Are you Seeing Anyone Else?
Dear Ron and David,
A lot of women I meet want to be in long term,
committed relationships or marriage before they
will have sex with a guy. They want to be the "one
and only" you are seeing or not deal with you at
all. When a woman that I am pursuing asks me if I'm
seeing someone else, how do I explain myself
without destroying my chances of seducing her?
Great question! As you know, we believe there is
no point in misleading a woman. It makes you feel
bad about yourself as a man, and is difficult to do
well, anyway. Having said that, then, what should
We believe you should tell a woman the truth,
but the intensity of the truth you tell should
increase as you build a more intimate and trusting
relationship with her. For instance, it may be true
that you love pornography, or that your dream in
life is to sleep with two bisexual women at once,
but it would be wildly inappropriate to share these
facts about yourself until the relationship has
built up enough trust to handle the intensity of
such revelations. Some "truths" really don't belong
on a first date.
"Truths" about "looking for the one and only"
really don't belong on a first date. They are too
intense, and your relationship isn't strong enough
at that point to handle such conversations. It
would be like you asking her on the first date if
she likes to have sex every day, or if she would be
interested in dressing up in latex for you.
The questions aren't bad; just premature.
Usually, dating and talking about dating other
people works like this: You have no interest in a
monogamous relationship with any woman. It's her
JOB to convince you, to enroll you in the idea of a
relationship with her. One of the ways she does
this is through sex. Very often, this works for
her: you have sex with her a bunch, and start to
see her as potential relationship material, after
all. Then (if all goes well), after you've been
dating for a couple of months, she'll ask, "are you
seeing anyone else?" At THAT point you have a
decision to make...give up the woman, or give up
other women. She's just shooting herself in the
foot by asking the question anytime before she's
given you good reasons to like her.
So what should you do when she asks, "are you
dating anyone else?" on the first date. First,
don't make a big deal out of it. Tell her,
"Yea, I'm doing some dating now, but certainly
If she presses the topic, you can say things
"I'm looking for a relationship that can
develop, that we can both be really honest in,
where we can really see what's right between us,
you know what I mean?" or "I'm not really looking
for a relationship, but I'm definitely open to one
with the right woman. I feel like it's a little
early for me to have that conversation with you.
These things are _true,_ and that's what's
Second, you then need to be re-directing the
conversation to something else, because, as we
said, it's as inappropriate for her to ask you
about your commitment potential right away as it
would be for you to ask her about her sexual
potential right away. Ask her about something else.
Generate an experience for her. Get her thinking
about something else.
Some women are crazy on this subject, though.
Just like some guys go up to women and say "hey
baby, wanna fuck?", some women hammer men about
commitment during her first conversation with a
guy. If she won't get off it, you'll have to move
on. But if you understand why it is inappropriate
for her to be asking this, and understand how to
handle it without being a liar, you will probably
How can I manage to know if my girlfriend is
lying about her past sexual experiences? In fact I
don't trust in what she says about her past.
Comedian Chris Rock has the answer for this: You
take the number of guys your lady friend says she's
had sex with, and double it--at least. The reason
is that she's probably had all sorts of sexual
experiences that, to her, "don't count." So Chris
Rock's advice,which is pretty good, is to double
But the fact of the matter is that the problem
isn't how many sex partners your girlfriend has
had--the problem is how upset you seem to be about
It's never wise to put a woman on the defensive
about her sexuality. You've asked her how many guys
she'd slept with. She told you. She probably
revised the number downwards so as to not hurt your
feelings. Sensing that you would be upset about her
sexual past (as you seem to be), she revised the
number downward to avoid trouble with you.
Now you are either badgering her about how many
guys she's slept with--"Are you sure you've only
slept with five guys? How many have you gone down
on?" etc., etc...or you are thinking about
badgering her about it.
This insults her in two ways: you are calling
her a liar, for misleading you about how many guys
she's slept with, and a slut, for having slept with
so many guys she feels she needs to lie about it.
Even if she has lied to you, and even if she has
had a slutty past, you are only going to create
trouble insulting her in this way. You are going to
generate a fight with her. And for what?
This all goes back to the basic distinctions of
fighting with a woman: there is NO point in
fighting with a woman. No matter what happens in a
fight with a woman, you will lose. Either you lose
the conflict, and she won't have sex with you, or
you win the conflict, and she won't have sex with
you. Or--worse case--she cries, and you REALLY
Why is all this so important to you, anyway? Our
advice for you is to let all this go, and, every
time you want to get yourself upset by thinking
about her sexual past, think about the fact that
she is with you now, instead.
Let go of her past...it'll only create trouble
if you don't.
© 2009, Mastery
Other Relationship Issues,
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We must try to trust one another. Stay and
cooperate. - Jomo Kenyatta
Louis and David Copeland are the authors of
to Succeed with
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