Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love,
dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question?
You can write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
for answers. Check out the discussion group at:
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Do You Think She Likes
I'm 18 years old and I can't seem to get any
friendly advice from anyone about this girl I like
so maybe you can help me out! I met a girl over at
the local community college this past week, and I
can already tell that I'm developing a major crush
on her! She is absolutely beautiful! I have an
algebra class with her on twice a week. So far
we've had only 2 classes together, but I think she
might like me a little bit too, but I don't know
So far she always sits across from me at my
table, and she's always been really nice and
friendly to me! She always talks to me a lot during
class, and she laughs and smiles at my jokes, so I
guess that's a good sign too. I know it might be a
little early to tell whether she likes me or not,
but based on what I told you so far do you think
she might have at least a slight interest in me?
What's some ways I can tell that she likes me?
Thanks so much for reading this. Have a wonderful
First of all, you need to really let this
concept sink into your head: it doesn't matter
whether or not she likes you. You can MAKE her like
to as much or as little as YOU want. This is the
rule of women.
Men make this mistake all the time - they want
to use their own beliefs about attraction (for
themselves) as the yardstick by which to measure
women. That's not reasonable as women are very
different creatures from you and me.
I'm sure you'd agree that women's hair, skin,
smell, voice, etc. are all different from us,
right? So too with the way they become attracted to
What her flirting is doing is to open the door
for you. She's in effect saying, "Ok, I'm willing
to let you make me interested in you." Now, it's
your job to build the attraction.
That's the way it is, so do you just want to
know that she's already attracted to you, or do you
want to know how to MAKE her attracted to you?
These are very different things and I hope you
never worry about the former question again.
So, how do you make her attracted to you? Not in
the same way she makes you attracted to her! She
has to be friendly, flirty, cute and engaging. You
don't have to be any of these things. Instead, you
have to simply be "masculine".
I like to use an example of what this means in
order to give you a better picture of it. Imagine
James Bond for a moment. Now, we'd agree that this
character is "suave" and "polished", but that's not
what I'm talking about here. Instead, imagine how
he'd handle this situation.
First, he wouldn't worry about whether or not
the woman is attracted to him simply because he
knows it doesn't matter. Instead, he'd do what
you're going to do: he'd just tell her to give him
her number and to be ready to go out on a date!
It's that simple!
Women react positively to our strength and
negatively to our weakness. I know you've heard
stories of the girls that "fall in love" with the
underdog, but that's not reality. It's something
made up by other underdogs to give them hope. In
the rare instance women do become involved with
these guys it usually doesn't last as they get
bored very quickly and go off to find someone more
Thus, that is where you want to be!
The very next time you see her, I want you to
look her right in the eye and say, "You know, I
like your laugh. Give me your phone number and I'll
call you so I can get to know the girl behind it a
little better." Then, hand her a piece of paper and
Trust me, it's really that easy!
Talk is Cheap - Learn to Do
Dear Dr. Neder,
I saw your articles on the Internet and was
hoping that you would give me some advice. My
ex-boyfriend broke up with me almost five months
ago. He and I were friends for a few years before
we dated, and we dated for about 11 months. What
bothered him most (as far as he would tell) was
that he felt that we didn't have "connections." He
wanted us to "see eye to eye" and "be on the same
page," and yet as much as we tried, we always ended
up misunderstanding each other. The communication
problems were really bothering the both of us, but
particularly to him. When we broke up, he claimed
that he had tried six months to connect with me,
but it wasn't successful. So then one day he came
to the conclusion that "we would never connect,"
and then every time he saw me after that, he would
think, "the connection will just happen," but it
never did. So finally he felt completely exhausted
and had to break up with me.
At first we agreed to stay friends, but over
time I guess I apologized too much and told him too
much that I still cared about him, that it ended up
pushing him further away. I feel really guilty for
not being able to create more connection with him.
I wish I had been more understanding and less
argumentative -- perhaps it could have made him
feel better and more understood that way. Another
thing is I was too needy -- at least in his eyes. I
know I should love myself more now and cling less
to him, and I want to be a better girlfriend to him
if we could get back together. But it's too late
now. I have been trying to improve myself over the
months, and I really wish for another shot. I have
given him some time and space. I didn't contact him
for over a month before calling him again.
But then he got scared and pulled away. And this
time, he emailed me and said that he had already
moved on and was interested in someone else. He
said he wanted me to move on and date other guys as
well. He also said we needed to "take a break" from
contacting one another because it was "proving
difficult for us to have a friendship." I don't
know what to do. I stopped emailing him, but I
still wish that some day, down the line, maybe we
could be friends again ... or even fall back in
Dr. Neder, could you please give me some
insights into what you see in this situation? I
know that perhaps right now there's not too much I
could do, and I'm willing to wait. How long do you
think I should wait before trying to contact him
again? Is it possible at all for anything to work
out in the future after people have "fallen out of
love"? I'd appreciate your time and response. Thank
you very much and I hope to hear from you!
Connection is so often (as in your case) a
problem with simple communication skills. I'm not
sure you can get what you want here, but at least
you can solve this problem for future.
The fact is, men and women communicate in
different ways, but that's not the end of the
story. People of both sexes even use different
communication "systems". In my books "Being a Man
in a Woman's World I & II" I talk about 4
different communication systems. This is all too
complicated to get into deeply via email, but let
me offer some things that will help.
Most men use a very direct form of communication
whereas women often use an indirect form. When a
man says "I'm tired" it means he needs to rest.
When a woman says "I'm tired" it can mean anything
from her need to rest to being "tired and done"
with the relationship! Men often see this lack of
specificity in communication as tedious and
confusing, just as women often see men's lack of
breadth in their communication as
Likewise, women often use language to explore
how they think about an issue. They'll speak about
every aspect of it in order get a better picture.
This drives many men crazy because they want to go
right to the major points of the issue and then
spend their time using logic to solve it like a
problem - which drives women crazy!
From these few examples, you can see how far
apart men's and women's communication systems can
be! This is why we often don't feel "connected"
between us. Our own communication systems keep us
The good news of this is that you CAN learn to
speak to men in our language and even teach men how
to speak to you in yours. Understanding these
differences help you break through to much better
connection. This is particularly critical when you
argue because we all tend to revert to the systems
that are most comfortable to us when we're hurt or
angry and ignore the systems our partner uses!
With this said, I'm not sure you can repair all
the damage that has gone on between you two. He's
obviously on to other things now and feels that
dealing with you is taking him backwards. I'd
normally recommend giving him a few months to see
if he changes his mind, but since it's been even
longer than that, I doubt he will.
Hopefully, armed with this new information, you
can turn your next relationship into a uniquely
Dealing With the Fear
As men, we know that it's our job to do the initial
approach, to get phone numbers and/or email
addresses, to set-up dates, to convert to sex, to
begin relationships, etc.
It's not that women can't do these things, (and
in fact, I recommend that women do and even teach
them how), but because of many psychological
pre-wiring issues, women often will not. Thus, it's
our job to not only learn how, but to actually do
Many men are so afraid of being rejected that
they never even bother to learn these skills. So,
in this article I'm going to show you exactly how
to get over your fear of rejection once and for
all. You might give this a different name: shyness,
social phobia or just plain terror, but in any case
- it no longer needs to be a burden for you.
At the end of this article, I'm going to give
you the ultimate trick to absolutely eliminate any
fear you have, but read the next items first - they
are the most important:
Step #1 - Education. Look, if you learn
how to approach women the "right way", you
instantly reduce anxiety because you know you're
maximizing your probability for success. It's that
simple - and yes, there are "right" and "wrong"
ways! By knowing what to say, how to act, and what
to do, you're not going to be stumbling over all of
this when you approach.
There are a ton of resources on my website to
help you here. In fact, there are over 500
articles, books, CD's, DVD's, podcasts and even
software all dedicated to helping you with every
aspect of your game. (http://beingaman.com) There's
no longer a reason for you to not know exactly what
to do, where to go or to lack any other
Step #2 - Practice. The very first time
you try a new thing, it's going to be difficult for
you. We already know this is true, so go get it
over with already! What are you waiting for? If you
know the second time will be easier than the first,
go get the first time out of the way! It really
doesn't even matter with whom you try it - just go
Then, the second time will be easier. The third
will be easier still, the forth will be even
easier, and so on.
You have to practice these skills but you can do
it in small, manageable steps. You might begin by
just making eye contact. This is very
non-threatening and easy to do anywhere other
people are found. Then, add a "hello" or "good
morning". You'll be surprised at how many people
will respond. Next, smile - it's easy to do. You
can continue practicing and building your skills
Step #3 - Refine. We are all different
people and what works for one guy won't necessarily
work the same way for others. You want to take your
skills and continue to refine them in order to get
the best possible results out of your efforts.
To refine them you want to try the things you
learn and make small adjustments. Then, try them
again. If these adjustments increase your success,
then continue along that path. If not, go back and
either stick with the previous method or try
another in some other way. It won't be long before
you have a set of tools that work for you almost
every single time! Just imagine how your fear will
fade when you have 5 phone numbers you're working
on with the possibility of get more any time you
And now, the most important element of this
Here's an incredible trick I know to absolutely
eliminate your fear of rejection - and this works
for both men and women.
It's this simple: raise your standards.
What exactly does this mean? Simple:
Right now, you probably have the "standard" that
you'll feel rejected whenever someone says "no" to
you. That's a pretty low, weak standard, indeed!
What if you changed this around and started to
accept the standard that you'll only feel rejected
when someone slaps you or throws a drink in your
In effect, by making this simple decision,
you're "raising the standard" of what it takes for
you to feel rejected from the simple "no" to being
assaulted. That's pretty cool!
Now, I can tell you that the likelihood of being
assaulted is pretty low. Thus, you'll never feel
rejected again if you adopt this simple, easy
It all comes down to the decision to raise your
10 Ways Women Can Be Lousy
Are you a good lover? Sure, you say you are, but if
I asked 3 of your ex's, what would they say? I'll
bet they may have a different opinion. I've had
many women tell me that they were really incredible
only to find out later that they were duds. If
you'd like to be just as good (bad) as these women,
here are your keys.
1) Taking ex-lover's opinions. Any guy
that wants to play sheet-hockey with you is going
to tell you how great you are. I'm sorry, but we
guys lie to you not to hurt you, but to prevent you
from being an even worse - or scarce - lover. We
have enough to worry about with just getting good
sex to add to it.
Here's a bottom line you should adopt: don't use
the salesman's opinion to judge the quality of the
product. Of course we're going to tell you that
you're awesome! We're just glad we got some sex!
Consider too that because so many women are
"sex-challenged", many men have never been with a
good lover in the first place.
2) Assuming you're good in bed. Every
woman I know thinks she's a great kisser and at
least decent in bed. In fact in my experience, less
than 10% are either. You don't have to take my word
for this however, according to my own research;
most other men put the number at around the same
Assuming that you're already skilled can
actually prevent you from gaining the skills you
really should have. Being "confident, but curious"
will take you to that glorious 10% very
3) Not knowing your own sexuality. Many,
many women don't focus on their own sexuality and
assume that a man will come along to teach them
everything they should know. Don't believe it. It
is YOUR job to learn about your own sexuality so
that you bring this to the table in a relationship.
After all, if you don't understand your own
sexuality - what works for you, what doesn't and
what else you want to explore - how are you ever
going to communicate this to your lover?
Some men may stay in a relationship with a lousy
lover, but we constantly think about how it'd be
with someone else. If you think that takes the
pressure off of you fine, but don't be surprised
when your lover decides he want to taste a little
of that other fruit.
So, you're probably asking exactly how to learn
about your own sexuality. The answer is simple:
masturbation. This is the time you get to safely
explore your own fantasies in private. Your mind is
a creative, healing spring of energy and taking a
little time for yourself is not only fun, it's the
key to really understanding your own needs - and
getting comfortable with them! This can be a
powerful source growth if you use it that way.
4) A lack of experience. If you're saving
yourself for marriage or for some knight in shining
armor, just consider what you're going to have to
give when it or he finally arrives. I can't tell
you how many women just assume that everything will
be incredible - and how many relationships break up
because it's not.
Not many western men these days want virgins.
For those of us with some experience, we realize
that this is just too much work! I don't want to
have to spend the next 5 years helping a woman just
get in touch with her own sexual side - she should
bring this to the relationship in the first
You've no doubt heard that sex ".isn't the most
important part of a relationship." and while that
may be true, it's in the top 3! Why would you spend
so much of your time working on becoming the woman
of your man's dreams, only to fail where it's most
important to him?
I'm not saying that you should go out and bang
every guy you meet, but you should see every sexual
relationship you are in as a chance to grow your
own skills for that guy that finally does sweep you
off your feet. Doesn't he deserve this from you?
(Answer: yes, he does!)
5) Reading books and articles written by
women about what men want in bed. If I want to
learn about car maintenance, I don't usually go to
a guy that sells camels and ask. I'll go right to
the mechanic. Women spend countless hours reading
articles and books written by other women about how
to satisfy men sexually. The trouble with this is
that many of these women are just as inexperienced!
Many men look at these articles too and most of us
just roll our eyes.
6) Not communicating. If I or any man
asks you what you like in bed, NEVER give the
answer, "Oh, I like just about everything!" It's a
cop-out and we know it. More important if you DO
give an answer like this, don't be surprised if you
come home one day and find your cousin, a horse, a
trampoline and a clown in your living room ready
Being with someone sexually is an opportunity to
get your needs met - and to explore new ones. You
can only do this by communicating honestly, openly
and without embarrassment.
7) Not asking. Wouldn't you love to hear
your partner ask you, "Honey, is there anything you
really want that you haven't told me?" Guys do too!
Very few of us are the insecure jackasses some make
us out to be. If we know you want something, we'll
almost always find a way to give it to you.
8) Complaining. When you ask for
something and get it - even if it's not exactly
right - don't complain. There are far better ways
to improve things! That especially means right in
the middle of sex.
Recommendations are taken far better than simply
complaining about something. If you tell us what
you want, we may still not exactly understand it
from your perspective. Women are rather more
complicated than men in this department. As I've
already said, if we know you want something, we'll
almost always try to give it to you. If it's not
exactly what or how you like it, help us to
understand it. You'll be the benefactor!
On the other hand, if you simply complain, get
used to the idea that you're not going to get what
you want - and it'll be your own fault.
9) Lack of enthusiasm. If you think
holding back is the way to get us to be more
interested in you, let me set you straight on this:
it won't work. We'll simply find someone that won't
hold back and leave you wondering what
Your sexual enthusiasm also communicates your
interest in us. That doesn't mean you have to
bounce off the walls, but at least be interested in
sex and want to grow with us. We'll return the
favor in ways you can't imagine.
10) Being self-conscious. I know, I know,
you're worried about the lighting, mood and every
other little issue:
"Does my hair look good?"
"Am I making enough noise?"
"Am I making too much noise?"
"Does this pillow make my ass look big?"
Honey, you look great - really. We aren't
concerned with all of this detail. We are focused
on the sex itself - with you; not whether or not
you have cellulite. In fact, we just don't give a
damn! Stay with us in the moment and let's have fun
together. This isn't an anatomy lesson and you're
not competing with the girls in the magazine under
our bed - really!
I hope that list has helped you sort out what
you can do to be a lousy lover. Now, simply turn
this around, and become a great one - both you AND
your partner deserve it!
Good afternoon Dr. Neder,
I have a girlfriend and she and I are in love.
Almost everything is perfect - almost. We would
really like to get married soon but there is a very
subtle and fragile thing that seems to hinder the
relationship and seeks to destroy it: Our religious
beliefs. My girlfriend and I are of different
faiths - I am Christian and she is not. I am not
very devout in my religion but I believe some
precious principles of it. I want to get married in
a religious context, and have unity of religion
with my partner. She wants to marry in a
non-religious ceremony. There is also a rule of my
faith that prevents me from getting married to her
because she is not Christian.
She gave me the strong reasons why she doesn't
want to become a Christian and told me that I
should accept her like she is. I have no problem
with that and I don't want to change her, but I
still worry about this rule.
I really want to save this relationship but I
don't know what to do. Can you help us?
In effect, you are a religion-racist - a
"religionist"! Take a look at your letter and
substitute "race" for "religion" and some ethnicity
for "Christian" and you'll see what I mean.
Just as I hope you'd see it would be wrong to
dislike someone because of their race, you need to
understand that it's also wrong to dislike or to
disagree with someone for their beliefs. You've
even stated that you're not that devout, yet you
still want to hold on to this belief that your
girlfriend has to participate in your beliefs in
order to marry you. That's not a very "mature"
position on this in my opinion - especially when
you consider that this is your wedding - and hers
too! What's next? Will you also insist that she
goes to church with you on Sundays, that she reads
the bible with you, that she believes in exactly
the same things you do in exactly the same way and
not believe in others just as you do, and that your
kids have to be raised exactly like that too - all
for some principal that you, yourself don't even
Obviously, a person's beliefs are important to
them, but the mistake you're making is that since
your beliefs are of value and meaning to you, they
should be of value and meaning to everyone
I'd suggest you do one of the following:
1) Decide that your beliefs are more important
to you than your girlfriend and if so, break up and
go find a girl that believes exactly as you do.
2) Try to find a compromise between what you
want and what she wants. You do this by first
deciding just what's important to you. Do you love
her enough to let go of things that are less
important than she is?
The bottom line is this: any God(s) in any
faiths that demand someone follow every piece of
doctrine blindly and with prejudice probably isn't
a God I'd want to follow. Remember: this is your
FAITH; it's not everyone else's FACT. There is a
difference. Many faiths demand that you ignore this
principle. All of the strife in the Middle East is
based on this ignorance as an example.
Just How Does A Guy Meet A
I've never really known much of anything about
dating. I'm 26 years old and I've never had a
serious relationship. I feel like I've missed out
on a lot of knowledge over the years and I feel
like I'm sunk.
Where can I go to meet people? How do I
introduce myself when I find someone?
Here's the reality: MOST men don't learn very
much about dating! Our fathers don't teach us, our
schools don't teach us, our friends are usually in
the same boat we are! On the other hand, women have
all sorts of resources! They get information about
dating and relationships from women's magazines,
books, movies, their friends, their families, etc.,
etc. Women spend their entire lives studying this
critical information and we guys get very little -
if any - of it.
What most guys do is to wait around until some
girl gets so frustrated that she approaches him -
and then he doesn't know what to do with her! So,
she gets bored very quickly and either stops taking
his calls or just comes out and dumps him.
That's exactly why I wrote my books, "Being a
Man in a Woman's World
I & II"
and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great
Women". These and my CD's, DVD's and articles have
come after much study on my own - over 20 years of
it! Interestingly, women complain about men's lack
of skills all the time.
Ok, let's get to your questions:
1) Where can you go to meet people? The
answer is simple: everywhere! Great women are
everywhere you go - except your own living room.
Thus, you need to get yourself out among
Have you ever been in a bookstore or coffee shop
or supermarket and seen a good-looking woman that
you'd have liked to approach? We run into women all
the time just out doing our daily business. The
problem is that most guys don't have the knowledge
to actually go over and meet the woman. They spend
their time thinking "Oh, she'd never be interested
in me!" or imagining that she'd just shoot them
down. In fact, this rarely happens, but if you know
the skills, it NEVER happens!
Hobbies are another important way to meet women.
In my first book, I talk about how important it is
to have hobbies. Hobbies not only make you better
well-rounded and more interesting, they give you
access to other people of like interest! You
instantly have something in common with someone
that enjoys the same hobbies you do. Even better,
there are clubs and organizations devoted to almost
every activity you can think of!
In my e-book, "1001 Places." I talk about a ton
of places to go and meet women and specifically how
to approach them there.
2) How to you go about meeting women?
This is a tougher question, but in fact, there
are specific rules that you want to know. Dating
and courtship are complicated rituals in humans
with rules that have been the same for millions of
years! Women learn these rules and expect men to
know them, but as I've already said, women have
many resources whereas men have very few.
Two of the resources you have are my books,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World
I & II".
These books take you through every aspect of dating
- how to find women, how to approach them, what to
say, how to "close", how to get phone numbers,
dates and even sex, how to create relationships,
how to grow those relationships into your dreams
and even how to handle relationship problems.
You can see this is a very extensive question to
answer! The good news is that it's not difficult
and ANY MAN can learn all the skills he needs to
not only meet women, but to be successful with
them! How cool is that?
One of my books will get you started, but
they'll do a lot more for you - they'll give you
life-long skills that you can begin using right now
to start finding, approaching, meeting and actually
winning with women! These skills aren't tough, but
they are specific. Go get this information - you've
already suffered without it for too long.
Learn to Kiss, Damn it!
Dear Dr Neder,
I have been reading your article on kissing.
My question is about kissing someone you've just
met. As a woman, I find that most guys love to
shove the tongue in immediately rather than
starting off a kiss slowly. Is it ok to tell them
not to use the tongue or will they take that as an
insult to their kissing ability and an indicator
that you don't want to kiss them anymore? I find I
have to try not to gag when they do this because I
don't really like things shoved down my throat. I
can't even go to the dentist without gagging! What
should I do? I want to enjoy the kiss but all I can
think about is how I might gag while I'm being
kissed. I really don't like tongue kissing.
Thanks for you help,
I'm always amazed at how many people - both men
AND women - just don't know how to kiss well. This
is what I consider a "dating 101" skill but many
people skipped class. Of course, this is likely
because they've never been with a good kisser
before and don't know that there are certain skills
and techniques involved.
It's not an insult to tell someone what you
don't want if you tell them properly. If you simple
recoil and say "Ewww..." that might be taken as an
insult. But if you pull back and say, "Wait a
minute, try it like this..." and show them you're
effectively saying, "This is what I like..." not
"This is what you're doing wrong..."
This same skill translates right into the
bedroom. If you don't know how to ask for what you
want, don't be surprised when you don't get it.
You might also refer this person to my article
so that they can learn this important skill for
themselves. By helping to teach this person how to
kiss properly, you'll be doing a great service to
anyone else they kiss later on. It's an important
skill that everyone needs to learn - if only they
can find a teacher.
Getting Past Your
I came across your articles on the Internet and
thought I'd write for some advice. The short story
is this: I was sexually abused throughout most of
my younger years. Now, as I start to cope with this
as a 32 year old man, I have found a 22 year old
woman with whom I share many things. She has had
questions in the past about many life issues, and
has said she has many emotional challenges growing
She is a genuine sweetheart, and I am interested
in her, but assuming I ever ask her out, how do we
get past the age thing? Also, what can I do to open
myself to someone after having been out of the
dating game for the last decade? I've had no
girlfriends, no real friends, no nothing....and now
this ray of sunshine; this gem comes into my life!
She has recently broken up with her boyfriend and
is now available again. How long is too long to
wait to ask her out, how soon is too soon?
You've covered a lot of ground with your
questions. Let's see if I can shed some light on
1) Age difference
The only age difference issue lies in those 6
inches between your ears. I'm older than you and
have recently dated women as young as 23. 10 years
is certainly not a big issue, and in fact, you're
actually much more attractive to a younger woman
because you have life experience. Are there
differences between someone at her age and yours?
You bet, but dating isn't about differences, it's
about similarities. Focus on what you have in
common - not what's different between you two.
Then, share your differences while expanding both
your worlds. Age is only a number.
2) Getting past your past
I'm sorry to hear about your past, but remember
- your past isn't who you are now. In fact, you
aren't really even defined by it unless you CHOOSE
to be. That's a very important concept and you
should go back and re-read it as many times as it
takes to really get it to sink in. Everyone has had
challenges in their past. Each of us deals with
them in different ways. Who you are today might be
molded by that past, but you ARE NOT YOUR PAST -
those are only experiences that influenced you
because you survived them, not because they
This is a very difficult concept for many to
grasp. You aren't "damaged", and in fact you are
probably much stronger than people that didn't
experience these things. You are the result of the
survival, not of the abuse. However, if you focus
on the abuse, you limit the ability of the
survivalist within you to take charge and to come
out. I hope that you've been through counseling
about all of this and have put it behind you. If
not, you need to do this right away. Consider that
counseling isn't really about healing you - it's
about making you the person you'll ultimately
become for the people you'll meet in your life -
like this woman! She deserves to have the best YOU
she can have, but she can't make you that person -
you have to do this on your own.
3) Learning the dating game
You say you've spent the last decade without a
girlfriend or many friends. Unfortunately, that too
is a choice. People don't come to you on their own
- you go get them. In effect, you've spent the last
decade stunting your own growth by not doing this!
You have some real work to do now in order to catch
up. The up-side to this is that there's lots of
information and self-study available to you. I
suggest you start with my books, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World I & II" as they'll teach you the
game from the inside out. You also need to better
understand how women think, act, communicate, etc.
These are all things you'll learn from the
Most guys spend years on trial and error, never
really learning most of what they need to know.
Women don't do this anywhere near as much! They
have all sorts of relationship-study material
available including books, movies, magazines and
especially their own friends and family. Women
spend their entire lives perfecting the techniques
of relationships. While that's good for them, it's
bad for you! The trial and error method means
you're going to have to go through all sorts of
relationships and try to learn from each one. Will
you get the right lessons? Who knows? That's even
more reason why you should seek out this
information now rather than hope you'll just
stumble upon it.
4) How long should you wait to ask her
Answer: about 1 minute should do it! There's an
assumption that someone has to go through a
"healing period" after a break up. For some people
that might be true, but most people benefit from
getting right back up on the horse that bucked them
off. You don't really know the inside story of her
relationship! Maybe she's been on the "exit plan"
for over a year and actually broke up with him
emotionally quite some time ago. On the other hand,
maybe she got dumped right out of the blue. You
don't know, but then, it's not your job to know.
You're not committing any crimes here by asking her
out! You're offering her some time to get to know a
great guy. That sounds like a pretty good deal
regardless of her past!
I suggest you get to started changing your life
right now. Not everything will always work to your
favor, but nobody is so special as to fail every
single time. You can do this by merely deciding it.
Make the decision and get going!
The Guy That Wants to Get
Dear Dr. Dennis:
I'm a 28-year-old guy and I've been working on
my career for the past 5 years and have done pretty
well for myself. I've decided that the next step in
my life is to get married. Do you have any
suggestions as to how I should get started?
Yes, I do! Here it is: STOP!!!
First of all, I'm not against marriage. I think
that when you find the perfect partner for yourself
and that you've satisfied a number of other very
important life-requirements that getting married is
fine. On the other hand, setting that as a goal is
a mistake, and is something I see women doing all
the time. It becomes not so much about the perfect
person as it is the wedding as an event and just
Like I've said for years, there aren't too many
divorces, there are too many marriages!
So, when should you decide that getting married
is the next step? After you've satisfied all of the
1) You've done everything on your "top 100"
list. This is the list you create for yourself of
the "top 100 things you've always wanted to
2) You're financially and emotionally
3) You've met the woman of your dreams and
you're 100% convinced that you'll never meet anyone
else you'll feel the same way about.
4) You're ready to commit to making the marriage
work regardless of the investment, and,
5) You want to start a family.
Oh, and your partner satisfies these same 5
things too! That's a lot of things to consider, but
let me assure you every one of them is critically
Marriage rarely makes a relationship better.
Many people get married only to learn this lesson
too late. Then, they believe that having children
will somehow bring them back together. Nope - wrong
again! These are all things that add stress to the
The time to consider being married is when you
already have the perfect relationship! You've been
together for some time (I recommend no less than 2
years) and you've done all the other things in your
life-list. Focus on the quality of your
relationships - not their format. Being married has
nothing to do with quality, it's only a
How Women Can Approach
Aloha Dr. Neder:
I just read your article, "Men: Learn how to be
Approached" and found very it to be very enlighten.
I would appreciate your advice on this subject:
What should I do after I give all the right
signals to approach me and he still doesn't make a
move? If I was to approach him...what do I say? I'm
an outgoing and attractive woman but when I see a
stranger I'm attracted too, I become shy and always
end up walking away. I think I don't say hello
because I don't want to be rejected or feel silly.
Do you have any recommendations?
Thank you for your help.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks for your comment on my article.
It's unfortunate, but many men just don't get
these signals. Frankly, very few men even know how
to read them! Worse yet, the subtlety of it all is
missed by most guys. First, you have to be sure
that you're giving big enough signals! What may
seem large to you is likely still too subtle for
the average guy. If you feel like you're over-doing
it, then you're probably just about right.
Second, there's nothing wrong with women
approaching men and I strongly encourage you to do
it. There's no stigma involved in this any more and
many men actually appreciate it. I'm doing
everything I can to teach men how to approach, but
I'm just one guy and can't possibly reach everyone
Let's review what signals you want to give to
make sure you have the right ones:
1) Eye contact (if possible - many people avoid
eye contact these days!) This should last longer
than feels comfortable to you. The length of eye
contact is different in different parts of the US
and even the world. The area code in your signature
is Hawaii and eye contact norms for your island are
slightly longer than they would be here in
California where I live. You should be thinking
about 3-4 seconds. This doesn't seem like much, but
try it - it's tough! Further, when you make eye
contact, you want to be the one that looks away.
It's far better to look down and then to the side
rather than looking straight to the side. Likewise,
you may have to do this more than once - possibly
3, 4 or even 5 times for some guys! That's very
difficult to do with some people.
2) Smile. If you can make eye contact and then
add a sweet, pleasant, natural smile to it, you'll
be far ahead of the game.
3) Proximity. If you can get closer to someone -
into their own personal space - you'll also be much
more likely to send the right vibes. You'll also
get noticed that way.
4) Breaking the ice. It's perfectly ok to say
"hi" to people. I suggest you actually practice
this - say hello to everyone you meet. As you get
into the habit it quickly seems very natural. By
saying hello, you're opening the door for a guy to
begin the approach with you.
Ok, now let's talk about how women can approach
1) I teach men to use "context" in order to
approach women. In short, what does the guy have in
common with the woman at that instant in time.
Usually the location where they are is a good
choice. For instance, if you're at a bookstore,
check out what some guy is reading. You can comment
on the subject of the book, the author or even the
section. "Hey - I see you like photography
You're not limited to the location however. You
might like the shirt the guy is wearing or his
watch. You might come up with a question like,
"Excuse me - do you have the time?" or something
else in context, "Hi there. I see you like sushi
too - what items do you enjoy the most?" You can
even ask for help such as at the car mechanics: "I
always hate having my oil changed - do I really
need all those other services?"
Any context you can think of is a good reason to
break the ice.
2) Communicate! As with the previous example,
this is all about communication. You want to begin
to establish comfort, rapport and connection. Many
guys just won't get that you're trying to meet them
either because they're clueless about the game or
they just don't think about it. On the other hand,
those that do get it will take the ball and run
with it. You won't have to do much beyond simply
breaking the ice.
With the other guys, you want to learn to ask
"open-ended" questions. These are questions that
have more than a "yes" or "no" answer to them. For
instance, if you ask someone about the time without
a follow-up question, you'll get it and he'll just
move on. On the other hand, if you ask an
open-ended question you can get a conversation
started. "Why did you choose that color of shirt?
It really compliments your eyes." will get things
rolling pretty well. You can go from one open-ended
question to another and keep talking all night
3) Touching (or "kino" as we call it in the
game) is a very important signal to most guys.
Putting your hand on a man's arm signals not only
familiarity but closeness.
4) The Close. This is where you either give him
your phone number/email address or you move on to
an impromptu date. Unfortunately, many men don't
know how to close! That is, they don't know that
they should ask for your number! They assume that
you'll do the work for them if you're interested.
Some women do if the interest level is high enough,
but many won't and wait forever never to hear the
Thus, you should be moving things toward the
close at some point. You might even end things
sooner than you'd like by just saying, "You know,
it was nice to talk to you and I'd enjoy doing it
again some time. Let's exchange numbers." It's
really that easy.
Finally, don't be afraid of intimidating men.
Today, very few men are intimidated by strong,
direct women. Of those that are, do you really see
yourself with that sort of guy anyway? In effect,
by doing the approach yourself, you're actually
Dating Rights Verse
You have always been very helpful to me in the
past and I was wondering if you could help me out
with this situation I've encountered.
My girlfriend smoked cigarettes for over 10
years but stopped. When we started dating I made it
clear that I cannot date a smoker as I find the
habit simply repulsive. She assured me she stopped
and has no interest in smoking again.
She was babysitting for a friend of hers a few
days ago, and when she got back they stayed up all
night smoking weed. She talked about it with me and
I said to her I thought she told me she stopped
smoking. She said there's a difference between
tobacco and pot and it's not the same thing. I told
her I don't like smoking period and I don't see the
difference. She went on to say weed is harmless and
it's ok ,she only does it a few times a year, etc,
so I said fine, just don't talk about it in front
of me and under no circumstances smoke in front of
me. She then said that may not be possible because
"some opportunities present themselves" such as
this trip we've planned to take in a few weeks.
I feel very uncomfortable with people smoking in
front of me. I have been told time and time again
that I am wrong for wanting a non-drug lifestyle,
even the soft stuff like weed, and everyone does it
and I should just relax.
Do you think I'm being unreasonable with my
request for her to not smoke in front of me?
There are really two separate issues here: the
rights of smokers verse non-smokers, and the issues
between your girlfriend and you. Let's take them in
Do smokers have the "right" to smoke wherever
and whenever they want? The answer is actually very
easy: no. Here's why: Just as smokers claim to have
the "right" to smoke; (as in, "Don't tell me what
to do with my body"), I have the "right" to swing
my arms wildly about my head and shoulders. My
"right" extends right up to the point when I strike
you in the nose because then, I'm denying you your
right not to be hit in the nose!
Smokers are free to do whatever they want, but
that right ends when it negatively affects you -
beyond simply insulting your "sensibilities". If
you don't like the way it looks, that's one thing;
however, smokers can't control where their smoke
goes. Being forced to smoke someone else's
second-hand smoke is entirely another thing because
you have the right NOT to smoke if you choose. This
makes no difference whether it's tobacco or pot.
There's a word for when people both enjoy their
freedoms and also insure the freedoms of others:
With regards to your girlfriend you have a
different issue at play. You have the right to be
with a girlfriend that doesn't do something you
detest. Likewise, your girlfriend has the
responsibility to not inflict these bad habits on
you if you don't want them. If your girlfriend
wants to smoke pot and you're ok with that away
from you, fine. However, she has no right to force
you to be comfortable with smoking in front of you
if you're not. Would you also demand that she do
anal sex if she's not into it - and expect her to
just be ok with it simply because you want it?
Here's the bad news: beyond simply laying down
the law that she's not to smoke anything around you
(no gray areas here) your only remedy if she
refuses is to walk. If it's that important to you,
you can't get through it and she refuses to comply,
she's not the girl for you, plain and simple. You'd
have to move on and find a non-smoking girl.
Find What Makes You
I recently came across your article on
"sabotaging relationships" through an Internet
search and I really found it helpful. I'm writing
to you because of my current situation. I am 31
years old and have grown up in a very religious
community. Everything is judged superficially;
family, appearance, etc.
About a year and half ago I met this girl and
started a relationship, unfortunately, things went
sour. I was in love with this girl and she was in
many ways, my "dream girl". I tried my best to give
and be a good partner in the relationship but she
seemed to vacillate between hot and cold. Soon
after, she ended the relationship.
I was crushed and didn't see it coming. She even
told her parents a week earlier that she wanted to
be with me forever but I guess her influences were
to powerful for her and she choose that life over
being with me.
Now, I'm in a relationship with a girl who is
very giving and caring to me. She really shows that
she wants to be with me and I kind of like it. She
asked me if we are moving to the next level and
getting married and I guess I felt obligated to her
so I proposed. Now a month later, I'm starting to
have second thoughts and its almost like I'm
looking to sabotage this relationship. I find all
sorts of things wrong with her.
I think that I never really got over the break
up with my previous girlfriend. Why am I doing this
to myself and what can I do to make my current
relationship blossom and really build a life with
some one that cares about me?
Thanks for your comments on my article. It
almost sounds like you want your existing
relationship to be more like your last - with all
the good things your girlfriend now brings. It
appears that what your last girlfriend lacked, your
current girlfriend has, and vice versa. Your
question is about how to not ruin your existing
relationship and to be happy with what you have. I
first have to ask you a question: is what you have
really what you need?
Obviously, neither you nor I can answer that
question - yet!
You've probably sat down to create goals for
your career and have probably written them down on
paper. I strongly advise people to do this at least
yearly. Do you have written relationship goals too?
You should! Your relationship life is every bit as
important as your career, and if you get the right
one, you're going to find much additional happiness
and support from it. Being in the wrong
relationship can take away from everything else you
do whereas the right one can aid your life in ways
you can't even imagin.
When you create these goals don't consider the
women in your life at all - look only at yourself.
What do you want? What do you need? How will you
know when you've found these things? These are the
types of questions your relationship goals should
answer. Trust me, this isn't an exercise you spend
1/2 hour on and thing you're done. This is
something you may very well spend many evenings on!
You want to be as complete as possible. You should
answer everything from the qualities of the woman
you're looking for to how your life will change
when you find her. If you need additional help on
creating these goals, see my book, "Being a Man in
a Woman's World" as it goes into creating goals -
and a plan for reaching them - in great depth.
There was a time when marriage was more about
the communities we lived in. Today, that isn't the
case and we can consider being married much more
from our own needs than the needs of those
communities. If you want to be married, that's
fine, but do so for yourself and your own personal
benefit - not because your community wants you to
One last thing to consider: how do you know that
the woman you're engaged to is the right - or wrong
- one for you? First, compare her to your goals.
How does she fit? What areas does she lack? Of the
things she lacks, are they things where you can
help her grow? These can be difficult questions to
answer, but there's help! Check out my website for
the free download of my "Rating Instrument".
software tool will help you really see what areas
she's both strong and weak in and will give you an
idea of how she fits your goals.
I Don't Want to Look Like
I work with this girl I really like and I talk
to her every time we have a chance. She is the
reason why I still stay at my job. She is funny and
she makes me have a fun time whenever we work
together, but I don't know if she likes me.
First off, she has a boyfriend, but it seems she
still flirts A LOT. She calls me her "work
boyfriend". We laugh together, kid around a lot and
she always wants me to work longer hours so I can
talk to her. Also she would call me at my house
sometimes and ask if I want to go to a party she is
at or if she is board at work or her house and just
wanted to talk.
I think she is interested but the only thing is
she has a boyfriend and I would look like a total
idiot if she didn't like me. I NEED YOUR HELP!!! Is
she just playing games with me or can I get closer
and when she is single again I can have a
Please reply to me with your advice and help, it
will help me out a lot. Thanks.
This sounds like a pretty good deal - for her!
She gets to have you hang after work to entertain
her, calls you when she's bored, has you pretty
much at her beck and call anytime, anywhere. She
never has to be bored at all. Oh yeah, and she
doesn't have to give you anything at all in return.
Sounds like a great deal to me, just not for
Every woman has a "boyfriend". These guys are
just like you - they aren't the "ideal" guy but
they are close enough in order for her to claim
that she has a "boyfriend". This is the
empty-restaurant theory: if you are hungry and you
walk by two restaurants where one is completely
empty and the other is packed, which one are you
going to eat at? You'll choose the one with
customers because it's obviously a better choice,
right? Women work the same way - they all have
"boyfriends" because they don't want to be seen as
"empty". As soon as she finds a better "boyfriend"
she'll trade up.
Further, you've said it yourself - she flirts
with every other guy there too. This woman is a
classic AW ("Attention Whore"). What she's really
interested in is your (or for that matter - any
guy's) attention! She flatters and teases you, but
she knows damn well you're too much of a coward to
actually ask her out on a date. Thus, you're
"safe". She can use you for your attention until a
real guy comes along and sweeps her off her feet.
You've even structured your life around her! What's
her investment for all of this? For all intents:
I'm going to tell you what you need to do in
order to get through all of this, but frankly, I
doubt you'll do it. You're too afraid of "looking
like an idiot" (but then, what do you think you
look like right now?)
What you need to do is to tell her, "Ok, clear
your Saturday night. I'm taking you out." Then, go
out on a real date. Don't over-spend on her and
don't go nuts on anything elaborate. Just go out
and have a nice time. Most important, you've got to
kiss her! You're no longer the "friend"; you're now
someone she's dating. I suggest you use the
"opening kiss" technique from my website. Have fun,
turn on the charm and get to know her. Also give
her the chance to get to know you.
So, I hear you saying, "But what if she turns me
down?" Great! You can stop wasting your time and
then go find some woman that is worth your time and
Moving On and Knowing
That You've Moved On
I really am in need of some real help
I am a 19 year old man Last year I moved away
from my first love who I dated for a year. I don't
believe that I ever got over her. I went through a
great deal of pain and grieved so much but I'm
finding it tough to move on. I don't understand how
a person is supposed to love someone and then move
on to someone else.
Once I moved I found another girl who
objectively is a lot better suited for me than my
last girlfriend in many ways. For instance, she was
able to show that she cared for me much more
clearly, but I was never able to put my whole heart
into her and the relationship.
I think I was always subconsciously resisting
the change. It caused me to be unhappy a lot of the
time and to never fall for this girl in the same
way that I did for my previous girlfriend. I think
I focused on her flaws and wouldn't be able to help
her when she was sad because in my heart I didn't
have the love for her that I should have. Instead I
found her to be somewhat pessimistic and a nuisance
when she was upset. I finally broke up with
If I heal and move on I might be able to be
happy with this girl and even to get back together
with her. What would you suggest that I do? How can
I heal? Can you give me any insight that would
help? Do you think I should see a psychologist?
Thanks so much for your time...
I always encourage people to seek professional
help if they believe that it can help them. If you
really need to just talk to someone, a psychologist
is a very good choice. However, I'm not sure what
they can do to help you get over all of this. In
fact, you're going to need more time and believe
me, it really will get better.
Let me offer some perspective here:
Psychologists often use "personality models" in
order to help better understand people in many
different ways - the way they communicate, the way
they react to certain situations, the way they
understand things, etc. In fact, there are hundreds
of such models that different experts use for
different ways of interpreting and even predicting
Obviously, no one model (or two, or three or
even a hundred) can accurately predict every single
person's reaction to every single situation. We are
far too complicated for that! However, it's fully
possible to predict the likelihood of certain
outcomes. One such outcome would be attraction to
You might admire your current girlfriend for
many of her traits. Does that make her the "right
girl" for you? Not necessarily. There are many
factors involved and because of this I can't
possibly go into them all here. However, attraction
to someone is much more than simply having things
in common. There is everything from the way she
looks to the way she talks to the way she stands,
sits and moves, to her belief system to the sound
of her voice to the way she dresses to 1,001 other
things. All of these have to be there for you to
feel attraction - and in love - for her.
Did your other girlfriend have all of these?
Frankly, it's very difficult to say! She may have -
or maybe she didn't. It's entirely possible that
you simply interpreted things about her in a
specific way, and it's from your own interpretation
that you feel "in love" with her. As you can see,
this is very complicated.
Here's the up-side of this discussion: whether
you feel respect, admiration, friendship, caring,
attraction or love for someone else is a matter of
degree. As you blend all of the factors you
personally need in order to feel these various
things, you're going to find that there are many,
many women out there that you DO feel these things
for. In other words, it's a mistake to believe that
you have one "soul mate" in the world. In fact,
according to my own calculations, you likely have
thousands - possibly hundreds of thousands! That's
a very positive thing when you consider your future
from the perspective of right now.
You don't feel that spark for your current
girlfriend like you did with your last. There's
nothing wrong with that at all. It's just
different. However, it should also tell you that
you probably haven't found the right person for you
and that you should keep looking. I constantly urge
people to really address the things they want and
need in their relationship lives by setting goals.
Sitting down with a pen and paper over at least a
few nights - and maybe many of them - will give you
a perspective of yourself that's difficult to top.
More important, it will help you better evaluate
women as potential partners for both short- and
At the same time, it will also help you to
determine your own values to the women you're
attracted to. Are there things you need to work on
in yourself? Likely - yes. This little exercise
will not only help you identify these things and
get you on a path to earning them, it will also
help you move on past your last relationship and
right into your next.
This is the transition - and healing - you're
Messages and Setting Dates
Hi Dr. Neder,
I'm a 46 year old divorced man trying to find my
way in the dating world again. I never learned how
to play the game and now I've met a woman who I am
very interested in but she is playing hard to
I met her in a bar and she gave me her phone
number. I called her 3 or 4 days later and we had a
great 2-hour phone conversation. Turns out she has
a boyfriend in another state but I guess she is
looking for something closer to home. She said she
was going out of town for several days and would
call me when she got back. I didn't hear from her
so I called her and left, (in hindsight), a wimpy
sounding message that probably came across like "I
don't know if you remember me but...." I could kick
myself for that.
Anyway she did call me back and she came out and
met me again later. We had a fun time, some good
laughs. When it was closing time, I walked her to
her car and made a move and we started making out.
After a few minutes of passionate kissing I asked
her if she wanted to come back to my place, which
was very close by. She said no. So I kissed her
some more and told her I'd call her. I called her 2
days later and left a message for her. I waited all
week for her to call back.
By this time I was pissed that she had taken so
long in getting back to me. I missed the call and
she left message saying she was sorry she had taken
so long to get back to me but that she had had a
"week from hell". So I waited a few days to call
her and I got no answer and did not leave a
message. I called again the next day (3 days after
her message), and left a message saying "Hi it's
me. How am I going to get you in bed if I can't
even get you on the phone? Tag: you're it".
I didn't say it in an angry or sarcastic way,
maybe a hint of annoyance at not being able to
reach her. I should mention that our conversations
on the phone and in the bar were sexually oriented
at times. Anyway, that was a day ago and I'm a
nervous wreck waiting for this woman to get back to
me but I refuse to call her again until she calls
Did I screw up with my message? Do you think
she'll call me? What should I do next? Any advice
Yes, the dating world is not like it never was
(!) - It's full of rules, techniques, games and
general craziness that most guys hope to learn
before it kills them. Sadly, few ever really learn
it, let alone get really good at it! It doesn't
have to be that way however - there are
Yes, you screwed up by leaving that message -
and all of the messages you left for her. Here in
Los Angeles where I live, you'd never have gotten
even the first call back. The fact that you got a
couple of them is downright amazing. Unfortunately,
don't expect to get any more.
This whole courtship ritual is a game, pure and
simple. In fact, women don't want to call you back
because it makes them look too eager. If you know
that they're interested, it takes their power away.
So, rule #1 is to NEVER leave a message for any
woman that you're not already dating on a regular
basis. Unless you're a "couple" leaving messages
isn't just a waste of your time, it tells the girl
that you have absolutely no game! She knows that
calling to set-up dates is your job. She has
absolutely no motivation to make it easy for you -
Rule #2 is to STOP trying to hold the dates on
the phone. A 2-hour telephone call is 1 hour, 50
minutes too long! Phones are ONLY for setting dates
that you hold in person. Same with email, (with
only a few rare exceptions).
Here's what you do next:
If she actually calls you back be very surprised
(give her about 4-5 days or so). If she doesn't,
then call her. You might want to say something
like, "Hey, if you don't know how to use the
telephone to return a call, how are you ever going
to figure me out? I'm a lot more complicated than a
When you call her (or see her in person) say,
"Ok, clear up your Saturday night. I'm picking you
up at 8 [or whenever] and we're going out."
Be firm, calm and direct, but DO NOT ASK HER! The
point is to TELL her. Again, no messages. If she
doesn't pick up, call her at work or stop by if you
have to. Also, don't call her 6 times a day until
she answers. Once is enough.
Pick her up at the agreed time. This is the time
to turn on the charm and add in a lot of touching.
Use the "opening kiss" technique where you kiss her
immediately when you see her - don't give her time
to react, and don't wait until later in the date.
Get it over with at the beginning and set the
This is also the time you want to start your
"conversion" process to sex. You need something of
a plan - such as bringing her back to your place
for dinner, drinks, to hear your band's album,
As I said before, there are answers to all of
this. It's a very well-defined game and all you
need is to learn a few basic rules. I strongly urge
you to get "Being a Man in a Woman's World I &
II" and really study them! This can be easy or it
can be difficult - your choice.
It's the Choices You Make
Hi Dr. Neder!
I am 18 years old and just about to graduate
high school. My girlfriend and I have been together
for about 14 months now and I am not sure what to
do after high school. My parents are going to
provide us with an apartment but should I move in
I was reading your 10 ways to know when your
relationship is "right", (www.beingaman.com/articleviewer.asp?ID=205
and I have a number of issues with parts of it for
my relationship. For instance:
I'm a bit anxious about what I will do after
I don't really look forward to hanging out with
her anymore. The idea of breaking up has crossed my
mind a few times over the 14 months, am I just
afraid of commitment?
I am interested in what she thinks but she won't
really discuss things with me. She hates President
Bush for instance, but when I ask her to explain
she will just say "Because" and stop.
I'm starting to be annoyed by her little quirks.
They were cute for a while, but now they're just
While we don't have to be together we usually
are. I have mixed feelings about this. I want my
own time but feel bad about telling her.
Well I've written quite a lot, and I would
appreciate it very much if you could let me know
what you think, thank you!
This is an excellent question!
There's a general belief that a relationship has
to "go somewhere". For instance, you meet, you
start up a relationship, then you fall in love,
then you move in together and then you get married,
have kids, etc., etc., etc. Yes, that's ONE model -
there are thousands of others ones!
Moving in together is a very, very big step -
probably a lot bigger than you even realize. I know
you hate hearing this but I'm going to say it
anyway - you're very young. 18 doesn't seem "young"
to you because it's 100% of the experience and time
that you have. When you get to be 25 or 30 or 35,
you're going to feel very different about what 18
years means! Frankly, I think you'd be making a
mistake to move in together.
Let me try to explain a little of this
First of all, moving in together isn't just a
process; it has a meaning - especially to her as
the girl. She sees this as bringing together a goal
she's had since she was very, very young (probably
around 4-5 years old) - that of being married.
Whether she tells you this or not, she has
fantasies about her wedding and being married and
even equates it to her own success. Work and career
are far less important to her than this one event!
Trust me on this.
I'll bet she even mistakes "marriage" for "love"
- and every girl wants to be in love. Thus, she'd
be just as happy (she thinks) to be married - or at
least to act like it. See where I'm going with
You deserve to be in love if that is what you
want. From your description, it doesn't sound like
you are. You instead have a pretty good (not great)
friendship. That's fine, but in fact, it prevents
you from having what you really want!
Likewise, you're going to change very
dramatically over the next 5-10 years. Everyone
does, and you (and she) will too! You're not going
to be the same people. If you're already this far
apart, do you think that living together is going
to make you closer - other than in proximity - to
each other? Not likely.
If I were you, I'd move out on my own into that
apartment and start to explore the world. You have
a lot of time and experience ahead of you. You can
begin to meet new people - even people that can
rationally discuss their likes/dislikes in
politics, sex, movies, and much more. This is a
mentally-stimulating environment that will not only
challenge you, but change your own way of thinking.
The next 5 years can potentially have a very
dramatic and profound influence on the man you're
going to be. Whereas striking out on your own to
discover these things will help you get there,
setting up "house" and being with someone that
doesn't meet your goals will do the opposite.
So, where does this leave you and her? Do you
need to end your relationship in order to move on?
Perhaps. I can't answer that one for you. This is a
good time to begin to look ahead and see where you
want to go with your life. Many people allow
external events to set the course for their lives
while others take the reins and direct that course
themselves through well thought-out plans and
You have important decisions to make over the
next few months. Try to imagine how your life will
be in 10 or even 20 years from now. Everything you
do and every choice you make right now will affect
the outcome of the future. You get to craft that
outcome by the actions you take right now.
If you decide to move in together, try to see
how that's going to affect your future. If you
decide to "downsize" your relationship to something
less or even to break up, also try to see how that
decision will affect you both. Remember that if she
doesn't fit your future goals and you decide to
move on with your life you are also giving her the
freedom to find what she wants too. I'm not telling
you that this is what you should do. I'm telling
you that only you can make that decision and to
make it wisely based on what you want in your
Messing Up The Perfect
Good Morning! I was on your site today and read
several of your Q & A's and I have to say that
I am very impressed with your down to earth no b.
s. responses. With that said; I have a question for
you, I know you are surprised.
I am a 36 year old, single mother of 4. I know
what you are thinking. RUN.. really it isn't that
bad, I promise.
Anyway, I have been living with a man of the
same age for the past year. We are both financially
secure; we both own homes and pay our own bills.
His house sits vacant and we pick his mail up once
a week. I am sure you get the idea. The children
adore him and my seven-year-old refers to him as
his step-dad. We enjoy each other sexually and
enjoy training together for marathons, and in
general we have the perfect thing. We also have
started a company together which we still have our
We have many differences between us, but these
are not a problem at all and we've found ways to
work through them. For example, he's a
perfectionist and I am not. He likes things orderly
where I can handle just about anything. We resolve
differences in different ways, etc.
I've always had a goal, to be happily married
however. I have been married twice and have known
both times that it was not right however pregnancy
came with both decisions and wanting to do the
right thing. Now I know that I have met the right
person but he is afraid of marriage - not
commitment; marriage. His last relationship lasted
8 years with no kids or marriage.
I have always had a 2 ½ year rule that if I
guy I was involved with hadn't shown signs of
committing, i.e.; a ring, then I would end the
relationship. I have told him this and he has made
a couple of comments about how I am pressuring him.
With that said I have told him I am not pressuring
him but I want him to be aware of my timeline and
So the real question is should I push for
commitment because of the children or should I
"enjoy" the commitment the way it is? Also, when do
you think I should expect him to sell or rent his
Thank you for your time and I look forward to
hearing from you soon!
I may be thinking "RUN!!!" but I'd never admit
Let me ask YOU a question
[rhetorically]: would you really break up
this seemingly perfect relationship just because
you don't have a contract and a piece of jewelry?
If so, I think that's very sad and short-sighted.
Powerful, happy, satisfying relationships don't
come along that often and with all that you two
have in common, the business, the kids, the
finances, etc., I think you're making a mistake
Let's cover a few important facts:
First of all, marriage isn't a "relationship",
it's a FORMAT of a relationship. So is living
together, dating exclusively, dating
non-exclusively, triads, quadrads, those with kids,
those without kids, those with pets, etc., etc.,
etc. There are literally thousands of different
relationship formats out there. None is more
"valid" than any other.
Second of all, being married doesn't give you
any more security than not being married. He can
leave you just as well as he can now.
Third of all, men and women view marriage as
very different things. Women see marriage as
security (false, as I've already explained),
future, family, status, and many other things. Men
on the other hand see marriage as responsibility,
stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice, having a
business partner to share in all of their
decisions, and many other negative things. With
this understanding, it's a wonder that any man gets
married in the first place!
Fourth of all, if being married is so gosh-darn
important to you, what are you waiting for? I'd bet
you can find someone in the next 30 days that would
marry you if you just ask enough people. Then,
you'd finally be happy, right? Everything would be
just fine because you're married and you wouldn't
have to go through all of this, right? Of course
not. Marriage has little to do with happiness.
Trust me on this.
Fifth of all, consider that 1/2 of all marriages
end in divorce. Of the 1/2 that survive, how many
of them do you think that the people in them report
as being "happy"? Do you think it's 90%? Do you
think it's 75%? Nope: only 30% of married partners
claim that they're "happy" inside the marriage!
That means that 15% of all marriages are happy.
Those aren't very good odds!
I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture here of
marriage for you, but I'm trying to help you change
your focus. Marriage isn't the goal - having a
good, solid, happy relationship; where all people
involved (even your kids) should be the goal.
Whatever form that relationship takes to make it
this way is the one you really want, right?
Frankly, if you're that focused on the marriage and
are willing to give up all the other things that
are so important, as I've already said, you're
really missing the boat here.
Ok, now that I've given you the bad news, let me
give you some good news. There IS a way to help
ease your partner into a "marriage-state-of-mind".
Here it is:
Considering all that I've told you, in fact,
many men do get married. They each have their own
unique reason for doing so. What you need to do is
to find out what those reasons are for your
boyfriend. What is he looking for that would make
him consider being married, and taking on the
stress, loss of freedom, etc., in exchange for
giving you what you want? You need to discover this
clearly and specifically. When you do, all you need
is one more step: Just become this woman for him.
Grow into the person for whom he overcomes his
negative ideas of marriage and you'll be getting
your own goals met too.
Should I Call to Confirm
Hey Dr. Dennis!
I get this a lot - I get a phone number from a
girl, call, try and set a date and the chick says
something like, "Yeah Thursday sounds good. I may
have a girlfriend coming into town so let's play it
by ear. Give me a call Thursday."
Basically, it's her way of saying... "Maybe, I'm
not sure. I need time to decide. Most likely
Of course, the inevitable comes on Thursday. I
call and there's no answer and I leave a message. I
get no call back. Toast.
Is there anything to say to a girl when she
gives you that line without coming across as too
rigid? I feel stupid saying, "Nope, unless you can
make definite plans Thursday, sorry." Just seems
like you are being too anal about it, which is a
What's a good line in that instance?
The problem here is your belief that being too
ridged is a bad thing. Go back and re-read about
this in BAM2.
This isn't about being "ridged" - it's about
being busy. It's about creating a sense of value in
your time. If you let a woman control your time,
she believes it holds no value. It's really that
simple, and it's why you're seeing this problem in
the first place.
Further, why would you give her a chance to
flake in the first place? You should NEVER call to
confirm a date - EVER! If she doesn't know how to
work a calendar, how in the hell is she ever going
to know how to work a man????
Here's what I do:
If a woman asks me to "confirm" a date, I just
say, "No thanks. [Pause to let it sink in]
My time is far too limited and far too valuable to
leave it to your whim. Either you want to go out or
you don't. If you don't, that's fine, but I need to
know now." I even act a little indignant with her,
as though I'm insulted (I am!)
Then, I let her stammer about her schedule! If
she asks me about another time/date, I say, "Ok -
only if you're SURE you don't have any girlfriends
coming over, or your hair doesn't need washing or
your cat 'Fluffy' isn't going to cough up a fur
ball the size of Iowa. OK?"
Further, when I set the date I say:
"By the way, are you absolutely sure you're not
going to have some 'emergency' come up on that
date? If you think you will let me know now because
I need at least 24 hour notice on any
cancellations." In fact, true emergencies are
My brother, you've got to have respect for your
own time and hold it out as the preciously-limited
commodity that it is. If you don't do this, women
will constantly test you with it to see just who is
in control. By the way - it'd better be you.
Consider also that the instant you agree to such
a ridiculous idea, you're telling her in very clear
and specific female language that you're a pussy
and she's going to have to be the man in any
relationship she sets up with you. She's going to
have to decide everything from when it's time to
break up to what restaurant to go to. Women don't
want that in their men.
The sooner as you get ridged with your schedule,
the sooner you're going to stop this abuse.
I heard your interview with Playboy last week
and you briefly mentioned that there were several
products out there that would help make the penis
more sensitive. I seem to have an issue where the
head seem to have lost some of its sensitivity. It
seems to need a stronger touch to respond. What
options are there to help increase sensitivity?
Sorry I couldn't get through to speak to you
Yeah - it was a jam-packed 3-hour show! Sorry we
didn't get you on. Actually, I was talking about
how to increase a man's testosterone level, but I
think I can help you here too. Remember, I'm not a
medical doctor and you should always check with one
before you try anything that affects your little
One of the best ways to do this is to change the
way you masturbate. Most men use a very firm grip
and let's face it; the vagina just isn't as strong
as your hand. One technique is to masturbate
normally, but when you get to the end relax your
grip or just use the first finger and thumb around
the head of your cock. This change will cause you
to experience the sensitivity much more and you can
actually get used to a much lighter touch,
effectively increasing your sensitivity. Likewise,
you can also start off with a very soft "grip", or
using just the first finger and thumb. I'll take
longer, but you'll actually train yourself to
become more sensitive. Always be sure to use a
lubricant when you jerk off as direct skin-on-skin
contact will definitely decrease your
Another technique involves holding off both sex
and masturbation for a while. If you have only one
orgasm a week or every other week, you're going to
decrease your "staying power" substantially. This
is also a way to reprogram your apparatus to become
a quicker cummer!
Yet another thing to consider is whether you use
condoms or not. There are many different brands and
each feels slightly different than the others. You
might want to experiment with different ones to see
which one feels the best and increases the speed at
which you climax. Along with this, by putting a
drop or two of lube INSIDE the condom, you'll
actually find that the condom slips around the head
of your dick and increases the sensation!
One more option might be the herbal (over the
counter) products that help to increase your
testosterone level. Many men report heightened
sensitivity with increased testosterone production.
There are a number of products that claim to do
this, but I can't advise you on any particular one
since I have no experience with them. The Internet
might be a good source of information or you can
check with your doctor. He/she can also prescribe
products that increase testosterone levels, but I'd
only consider that as a last-ditch effort as these
have many side effects.
You can also ask your doctor about ViaPal-hGH
which will help to increase sensitivity. Of course,
you also want to know more about the side effects
and any drug interactions on which your doctor can
I hope this helps!
Grow Yourself, Grow Your
Hi, I am very interested in your help on
I met my girlfriend freshman year in high school
for the first time. We are currently in our junior
year of high school and we have been going out for
almost four months. We talk about how we will
always be together and how we are going to go to
college together. I am starting to trust her more
now and I know that I am in love with her, and she
has said the same to me. We spend almost all of our
time together and I really want the best for both
I want to marry her someday. I think about her
all the time and I always want her to be happy and
safe no matter what. I would do anything for her. I
want to know how I can add more to this
relationship and keep it going forever until I die.
I truly love her with all my heart and would give
my life for her for anything.
I know it is not possible to know what will
happen in the future, but I want to know what I can
do to beat the odds and be with her for the rest of
my life and ensure that I can be with her and
always have her. That is what I want more than
anything. She has changed my life so much where I
have put her first before all of my goals and
aspirations in life, to where it has transformed
all of them into her.
You want to insure this relationship lasts the
rest of your life? You can do either one of the
1) Don't grow, change or leave high school,
2) Die young. Ok, I'm somewhat kidding here, but
you've asked for advice, so I'm going to give it to
You are very young, but this isn't just about
your age. People at every age go through all of
this too! You have a lot of experiences ahead of
you and you're right about not being able to
predict the future. Here's one thing you CAN
predict: you're going to change a bunch over the
next 5 years, 10 years and beyond. You're going to
change so much that you won't even be the same
person! Trust me, I went through it, your parents
went through it and everyone else on the planet has
gone through it. So will you.
That's not an overly-simplistic thing to say
either. It's important to understand because it
directly affects your future relationship. You
can't avoid change, so you might as well look
forward to it and make the best of it. I've talked
with many people that tried to do exactly what
you're trying to do now. So, they stunt their own
growth out of fear of changing their relationships.
They put their goals and aspirations aside or even
change them. You know what happens? Their partners
change and eventually they break up anyway because
the two people no longer have anything in common!
Then, they have to work really hard to try to catch
up when all of their friends are also moving
Here are some facts:
1) Relationships are very difficult even when
you are experienced and have lots of maturity
2) They're even more difficult when you have
neither of these.
3) Everyone grows and changes with time.
4) Relationships grow and change with time
5) Very few relationships last a lifetime.
6) Of those that do, very few of them are said
to be "truly happy" by the partners in them.
I'm not trying to paint a bleak future for you
here at all. What I'm saying is that you can beat
the odds, but not by trying to never change or grow
or by putting everything of yourself into the
relationship. You see, relationships are about the
people within them - they are not an entity of, and
by themselves. As you both change so will your
Your best option is to refocus yourself on your
goals and aspirations and move toward them in
conjunction with your relationship. Take time away
from your girlfriend to work on these things - and
to give her time to work on herself too. If you
don't do this, you're simply going to suffocate the
relationship, your girlfriend and yourself. Putting
too much emphasis on any particular area of your
life isn't healthy and that causes the disease to
spread throughout every other area of your life -
including (especially?) your relationship!
So, if you want to help your relationship to
survive, do the following:
1) Get refocused on your goals as your primary
2) Let your girlfriend do the same thing.
3) Grow as individuals first,
4) Grow as a couple second,
5) .and watch your relationship grow along with
My friend, change is going to happen whether you
want it or not. You can't prevent it, so instead,
us it to your advantage.
I'm 28 years old and I've been with my husband
for 10 years. We were very young when we got
married and my husband had very little dating
experience before we met. He is a great guy, but he
has a hard time reading body language and sometimes
misses the point even when I'm being blunt with
him. He can also be very sensitive, so I don't want
to offend him or hurt his feelings.
My main complaint is when we are intimate (aside
from the fact that he can't tell what I enjoy or
don't enjoy even if I tell him) is that he's a
terrible kisser. I would love to improve his
kissing technique, but don't know how to approach
it without hurting him or making him feel guilty
for 10 years of unsatisfying kisses. I know I
should have dealt with this long ago.
Improving our kissing would vastly improve our
physical relationship. Is there some way to teach
him without emasculating him? What would you
I'd like a male point of view on this.
I'm not surprised to hear that you're having
communication issues. This is extremely common as
people tend to choose their partners at least
partially for this opposite style. In fact,
opposites really do attract.
The most common communication scenario is where
you have a "direct-speaking" man and an
"implication-speaking" woman. Thus, I'll assume
that's your case. What may seem like specific
language to you would be totally lost on your
husband. Let me give you an example:
When you were young, I'll bet your mother would
say to you, "I wish your room were clean" meaning
to you that you'd better go clean your room. She
was much less likely to say "Go clean your room"
unless she was angry with you and wanted to
emphasize it by being so specific.
Your husband probably never heard his mother use
this "communication style" and in fact, if he did,
he'd interpret it more like, a strong wish on the
part of his mother! His response would likely be,
"Then, by all means, please - go clean it!"
So much in male/female communications hovers
around these sorts of misunderstandings. However,
by simply realizing this fact, you can go very far
to correcting them. I recommend that you visit my
website and read an article about this very
subject: "How to Get A Man to Answer Relationship
for a better idea on how all this works.
With regards to kissing and sexual issues, I
agree that after 10 years, you really should have
all this worked out! What aspect of your
relationship is more important than this? For the
simple lack of communication skills, you've
effectively wasted 10 years. Where do you think
you'd be now if you'd have handled this
What I suggest is this: one day or evening in
the near future when you're both feeling calm,
quiet and close, (don't do this for instance while
he's watching TV or doing something in the yard),
just ask him if he's getting everything he could
imagine from his relationship with you. Then, ask a
few probing questions, (see the above-referenced
article). Get into this and view it as a
After you've talked to him for awhile and made a
few discoveries of your own, you can then get into
your own issues. But, do this with the attitude of
continuing to build your relationship - not with
what he's doing wrong. This is a process, not a
single event. You can say, "Can I show you how I'd
like you to kiss me?" Then, show him. You can even
make a game out of it. Play-reward him when he does
it right, and show him what is wrong.
This isn't going to fix everything overnight,
but you may find that with a little practice things
get much better very quickly.
Why Can't I Meet
Someone That's Available?
Hello Dr. Neder:
Oh yes, a word you probably see all the time.
But surely there is no plain and simple way to
understand men or even women for that matter.
Here's my dilemma: I am a single, pretty, tall,
24-year-old woman. I have had a couple of
boyfriends here and there, but just one serious
one. This past Christmas, I met someone special
that had come home from college for 2 weeks. He was
a guy I went to high school with, but never really
talked to before.
After we met up again, we talked everyday and
saw each other every other day. We were romantic;
kissing, hugging, looking deep into each other's
eyes, etc. He said he really liked me and that he'd
miss me when he left to return to college, but last
night he told me that he didn't want a
relationship, but wanted to keep in touch and still
see each other now and then.
What does that mean??? No relationship, but he
still wants the things relationships are all about?
Frankly, this isn't as weird as it might seem.
This guy is away at college. There, he knows he's
going to meet a lot of women and he wants to keep
his options open. On the other hand, it's a good
deal to know that he has someone waiting at home
for him too - a good deal that is, for him!
You say that your "...pretty, tall..." etc., and
that may or may not be true, but either way, that's
not the real issue here. The distance is the issue.
Trust me on this one - long-distance relationships
NEVER work out! That's just the way it is. There
are so many reasons for this that I can't even
begin to describe them all here, but suffice it to
say that I know what I'm talking about. Perhaps
after he finishes his education he might be someone
you'd consider dating when he returns home, but I
wouldn't hold out hope. He'll be a different person
So, let's talk about now instead.
You are obviously interested in finding a
relationship, but let me ask you: do you really
know exactly what it is you're looking for? Have
you ever sat down to really figure this out? As I
say in many interviews, most people spend more time
planning their vacations than they spend planning
their relationships. Isn't that ridiculous? But by
"planning" I'm not talking about looking around
until you stumble over some guy. I'm talking about
really sitting down and crafting your perfect
relationship on paper.
We often set goals for our lives, but this
usually involves our work lives and sometimes a few
other aspects. I think it's critical to set goals
for your emotional life too. But you have to be
very clear and specific on what (*NOT* whom) you
want! This should describe not only the type of guy
you're looking for in every way possible, but what
your life will be like when you find it. This last
part is critical as I've seen many people do just
the first part and then keep searching even though
they've found exactly what they really wanted. They
did this simply because they didn't realize they
had what they wanted in the first place.
Likewise, you need to recognize that you need
some relationship skills behind you. This involves
actually learning how men think and act. Most of
women's information about men come from other
women! This is a fatal mistake as I've seen so much
misinformation given from otherwise well-meaning
women. If you really want to learn about men, I
suggest that you get it right from the source. If
you don't have a ready source of this information,
I suggest that you get involved in my discussion
group, "BeingAMan" here:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman. It's free
and filled with men discussing men's relationship,
dating and sex issues. There are also many women in
there too in order to learn much more about
Another skill you have to build is both how to
approach men, and how to be approached. It would
seem that the latter is easy - just hang around
until some great guy walks up and sweeps you off
your feet. Not so! In fact, most men don't really
even know how to approach a woman, or what women to
approach. You have to learn to make it easy for men
to do this by learning how to flirt - make eye
contact, establish connection and rapport learn
communication tools, etc.
These will get you far along the way, but
there's much more! What about learning to approach
great men yourself? Why should you have to wait
around until some guy you think you'd like
approaches you? There's nothing wrong with taking
that responsibility yourself and making things
happy - for yourself. Besides, wouldn't you like to
meet a guy that is so comfortable with his own
masculinity that he's perfectly comfortable both
approaching - and being approached - by women?
Finally, you have to actually be somewhere that
you can meet other people. Men aren't going to just
find you in the phone book! I constantly urge
people to find activities and hobbies that they
enjoy. Invariably, you'll find that there are
clubs, organizations and events all centered around
these activities and hobbies. What's cool about
this is that you'll not only have a lot of fun,
you'll meet other fun people too.
This isn't an exhaustive list of things to do to
kick-start your love life, but it'll take you a
long way along the path. For much more I suggest
you also visit my website as there's very large
amount of information and ideas right there at your
Why "Working it From
the Inside" Doesn't Work
One of the most common questions I get comes
from guys starts off with
"I have this woman friend. We've been close
friends for over a year now, but she has a
This is something I call trying to "work it from
the inside". In effect, these guys figure that if
they can just hang in there long enough, eventually
the girl will see what a great guy he is, will fall
in love with him, do all his work for him and then
he won't have to take the risk of rejection or
This never works!
Oh sure, you're a great guy with most of your
own teeth, but let me assure you; this flies right
in the face of exactly what women want from us
guys. Once you become the "friend" you'll never be
anything else; and women are happy to let you make
that choice! Let me explain why this is so and more
important, why you want to avoid it at all costs.
Well end the discussion with how to prevent it.
First off, women recognize and understand this
behavior. They see it as weak and cowardly
(although, they'd never tell you this - after all,
you're her "friend"!) Women want to be with men
that will take at least small risks - and win. If
you won't do this even for the chance to be with a
great girl, you're not the kind of guy they
Women want men that can stand up and be men!
They want guys that can say, "You need to dump your
boyfriend and start dating me." Of course, then you
need a reason why. If you're hanging in there
waiting for her to dump him, it's not going to be
for you. Worse yet, if you're hanging in there
waiting for the boyfriend to dump her, she may come
and cry on your shoulder, but she's never going to
warm your bed.
A woman looks at male friends very differently
from potential boyfriends. Have you ever heard a
woman say, "I just don't see you like that", or "I
don't feel that way about you" or "You are more
like my brother"? These are all "womanese" for "You
don't make me feel feminine."
There's another reason why women are motivated
to let you stay as a friend. I call this the "empty
Imagine you're walking around town and find that
you're hungry. You see two restaurants in front of
you. One is full of customers and the other it
totally empty. Which one do you choose for dinner?
Easy: the full restaurant. After all, these people
must know something to choose that restaurant over
the other one.
Women believe this is true too! How many women
have you met that have "boyfriends"? Most of them,
right? Trust me, that doesn't mean that they're
seeing only one guy that they are in love with an
plan to marry. In fact, many of these "boyfriends"
are simply clueless guys that are hanging in there
for their chance to hook up with her! This way, she
can claim that there are ".guys all over that want
to be with her." Women believe this makes them more
desirable! She's hoping that a strong, confident
guy will come along, tell her to dump you
(believing that you're her boyfriend) and "win" her
by sweeping her off her feet. Do you see how this
Once you make it to the "friend zone" you'll
never get out of it. I'm not going to get into this
point too deeply, but if you doubt this, please see
my FAQ's for much more on what you have to do if
you find yourself there already.
So, how do you avoid being this poor, clueless
jerk? Simple: have a plan, go after what you want
and don't settle for less. If she tells you she's
not ready for a relationship, continues to cancel
dates, starts talking about seeing her ex-boyfriend
again, etc., get scarce. Better yet, go start
dating someone else for now. When she gets the idea
that you're not going to play this game with her,
she'll be much more open to letting you take things
You can also avoid this by telling a woman
specifically that you're not her "friend" and you
never will be. "But Doc, won't this push her away?"
Nope - not if she's really interested in you! In
fact, it will do just the opposite - it will
attract her because you're proving that you have
other plans for her and you. She's either down with
your plans or she out. It's that simple.
This doesn't even mean that you can't have
female friends. You can, just be sure that they are
really women you just want as friends. Don't become
the friend in hopes that a woman will do your work
for you and you'll have a girlfriend. She never
will - nor will you.
Hi Dr. Neder,
I read some of your articles and your advice is
great. I just recently hooked up with a girl that
actually picked me up at club. She really liked me
a lot and for the first few weeks, I played hard to
get with her. She wanted to get me settled down and
kind of coerced me into a relationship. Obviously,
being someone that doesn't like relationships I
refused, but she tried and tried again, I finally
submitted and became her boyfriend.
I truly believe, that once you're involved in a
relationship the mind games stop and so I've been
true to this girl and I treat her with respect and
have even opened up to her. Things were good for
sometime. Obviously, I began really liking her,
became very nice to her and I expressed my true
feelings to her, I showed her lots of affection,
and I even told her I loved her. That was a BIG
MISTAKE! Now, the tables have turned on me and she
controls the relationship, she only calls me after
I've called her, and is playing hard to get, she
doesn't express herself to me, she cancels on dates
and prefers staying at home.
Obviously, I care for her and I miss her, and I
thought by expressing those feelings she would be
friendlier, and because she is a good girl, she
does become nicer the next day a few days later,
it's back to her neglectful self. I think she's
taken me for granted. How do I turn the table on
her and assume control of the relationship. Mind
you, I like her a lot now.
Thanks, any help would be appreciated.
I'm afraid you believe wrong. When the
relationship begins, that's also when the
Early relationships are all about posturing and
trying to determine exactly where each person fits.
We guys aren't as strong or adamant about this, but
trust me, women are!
What you're experiencing are classic symptoms of
having failed "The Test". This is something that I
talk about in my books, but every relationship goes
through it - usually early on. As you're
experiencing now, you'd better pass The Test or
you've got some problems.
Obviously, I can't say what The Test was in your
particular case, but if you step back and really
think about this there was one pivital point at
which things changed - or began to change. That was
The Test. Further, it was likely not due to
anything in particular and probably was "out of the
blue". This is how The Test works.
What's critical now is that you do some damage
control. If you don't, she's going to get very
bored with you and the relationship and move on. In
fact, these symptoms are signs of that already
You need to pull WAY back! Stop "chasing" her.
She was most happy when she was chasing you -
remember? That's where she wants to be again. Now
that she has you and you're gushing your feelings
all over her, she feels like she's made a mistake.
Women gush their feelings - not men. She probably
wants to date a man again.
I suggest you stop contacting her entirely - no
phone calls, stop by's, IM's, email - nothing. Get
scarce for a while. When she calls you (finally!)
don't pick up the phone. Give her a few days before
you return the call. In short, she needs to get the
feeling that she's losing you - not the other way
Then, when she wants to get together, be
reluctant! Make HER the focus of the problem. Don't
take it on yourself or apologize that things
haven't been what you wanted them to be, etc. Say
something like, "Well, I'm not sure you're the girl
I thought you were" (she's not - right?)
By changing the focus, you're going to change
the power. You're also going to change her image of
you and the relationship.
Let's face it - the person that wants the
relationship least (or SEEMS to want it least) is
in control. That needs to be you in order to save
I suggest you go to my website and learn about
"The Test". Once you get this situation handled,
you need to know that you're going to be Tested
again - and this one, you're going to have to
You Better Know How to
Handle "The Test"!
I met this girl a couple of months ago and we
started to hang out. At first she said she only
wanted to be friends when I made a move so I just
blew it off but she continued to call me all the
time wanting to see me.
One night we went out, and she kept on flirting
with me and getting mad when I would check out
other girls, by the way this whole time I would go
from being a nice guy to being something of a jerk,
and before the night was over, we were making out.
I never really asked her out or anything, but she
made it seem as if we were together. She would
always call me and tell me that I better be "only
I left for two and a half weeks on vacation and
when I got back I called her and she said that
things had happened since I left and that she had
gone back to her ex-boyfriend. I said, "Well, ok,
but what about us?" She tried to make some lame
excuse that I never talked to her about starting a
serious relationship with her so she didn't think I
wanted one. I just said "whatever" and ended the
This seems to happen to me a lot. The girl seems
really into me and then in about 2-3 weeks she
wants to break up! At first, I was being too needy
by always calling them and bugging them, but the
last couple of times I've completely changed my
approach by acting like I didn't really care if
they called or not.
To make matters worse, my last few girlfriends
call me to check up and tell me they still think
about me and miss me every three-four months. They
call and say they were just thinking of me and
wanted to hear my voice. Why is it that they don't
want to be with me but then don't really want to
let me go either?
Welcome to a little thing I call "The Test".
Many years ago when I first began my research
into all of this, I began noticing a pattern. This
pattern happened in every relationship I ever had
(and still have!) and with every guy, in every
relationship they had too! It was a very odd
situation (always different of course) where the
woman they were seeing would pull something totally
unexplainable and out of the blue, just like your
I began to realize what this was, and why women
First, women aren't going to get you to be the
guy they want in the relationship through brute
force. Thus, they've had to "evolve" a series of
tools to make this happen. The most important one
is what I call, "The Test".
The Test happens in EVERY SINGLE relationship,
usually early-on within the first month or two.
It's ultimately a way for women to determine who is
going to be the person steering the ship; so to
speak. By the way - it'd had better be you!
You see, women understand that someone has to be
the man in the relationship. If you're not going to
be him, then she has to be. That means that she
doesn't get the chance to be the woman. By being
the leader of the relationship, you actually make a
woman feel "safe" and "feminine".
By not being him, she'll either do one of two
1) Continue to Test you; or,
2) Reluctantly become the relationship leader
Most women will eventually move on after a while
of either of these things. Here's an interesting
thing however: this behavior is so ingrained in
women, most of them don't even know that they do
So, what exactly is The Test? It can take any
number of forms and you've seen some of them
already. In general, you'll know The Test by the
1) It's totally out of the blue and
2) It can happen at any time - like just getting
back from vacation, getting ready to walk into a
movie or when you come home from work or
3) It always has an emergency component to it - the
relationship will seem to live or die based on your
4) How you deal with The Test will be the deciding
The Test is never about the particular issue she
brings up however! It's always about control. For
instance, some women will wait until you're about
to fall asleep or watch some favorite program and
will then ask, "Honey, where is our relationship
going?" Other times, she will be very close,
loving, caring and happy and then will turn
instantly (like your vacation example).
The way you handle The Test is always the same.
You first recognize it for what it is - just a Test
- nothing more. Then, you see that this is about
control, so you put aside the supposed "issue" and
deal with the relationship itself. The point
however is to be active and involved - not
nonchalant about it.
By being nonchallant about things, you are
actually inciting The Test. If you just pull back
and say "whatever", she has to Test you in order to
see if you're serious! On the other hand, if you
deal with it head-on, she'll know you're serious
and won't Test you again unless she thinks
otherwise. This is actually a response to feeling
insecure about the relationship!
In your example, you didn't bother to "define"
things when they got started and actually left that
to her. That's why you got Tested. With your
ex-girlfriends, they would like you to be the guy
that can pass their Tests too and that's why they
With this last situation, you should just say,
"You know, I'm not interested in being your friend
- I already have enough friends. If you want
something more then just say so or stop calling
me." Notice how this sets the tone for a
relationship? Doing nothing or being too casual
creates nothing and gives her nowhere to go.
You can't avoid Tests - even relationship has
them. You can become an expert at passing them
however. Just learn to recognize The Test; set your
path through it and run that path by being active
and involved. If you do this every time, you'll
find that soon, you get no more Tests - and very
Date Like a Model, Even if
You're Not One of Them
I was just dropping by to ask a serious question
about how to attract a very beautiful woman. I live
in San Diego and there are a lot of beautiful women
here, but I am very shy and there are times where I
see women that are out of my league and wonder if
I was just wondering if there is something I
could do to make them notice me and find me
attractive even though I may not have model
Abso-freakin'-lutely!!!! Your looks have almost
nothing whatsoever to do with the women that you
You're starting off with a mistake. You believe
that in order to attract very beautiful women, you
have to be equally good looking. Not so. Let me
give you a short list of examples from music:
- Carmen Electra & Dave Navarro
- Heather Locklear & Tommy Lee &
- Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee & Kid
- Kate Hudson & Chris Robinson
- Shanna Moakler & Travis Barker
- Christie Brinkley & Billy Joel
- Dita Von Teese & Marilyn Manson
- Avril Lavigne & Deryck Whibley
- Paulina Porizkova & Ric Ocasek
- Heidi Klum & Seal
- Shannon Tweed & Gene Simmons
- Liv Tyler & Royston Langdon
- Jerry Hall & Mick Jagger
- Rachel Hunter & Rod Stewart
- Donna D'errico & Nikki Sixx
- Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin
In general, these guys aren't "beautiful" by any
stretch, but their wives are all considered "10's".
Now, you may be trying to excuse this away by
saying "Well, their famous! I'm not!" No, you're
not, but that's not the point. I'm using these
examples simply because you'll know them. They're
famous not because of who they married, or being
rock stars (there are TONS of musicians that aren't
famous!) It's because of their "power". Read
Just because looks are important to YOU means
nothing. Women have different motivations than men
and trying to impose your wants on women will get
So, the question then is: what do I have to
do/know/be/say in order to attract beautiful
While there are many sub-categories of things
that women want in men, I'd boil it down to one
thing that is the most important: power. Power
expresses itself in a number of ways; confidence,
sense of humor, money and many others. The more of
these you can express outwardly, the more you'll
attract the women you seek.
Women report that the very first thing they
notice about men (besides their height and then
their eyes) is their shoes. If your shoes are in
good shape, it says that you must be "in good
shape" too. The second thing they notice is your
watch. Beyond these things, your confidence starts
to come through.
Note that women often report sense of humor as
the most important aspect, but sense of humor and
confidence are really one in the same! You have to
have confidence in order to be comfortable putting
yourself out there to tell jokes or cut-up without
fear of failure. Thus, focusing on confidence is
the better choice.
In my second book, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World II"; I talk about the
"seduction tree". This is the key to meeting and
winning the most desirable women. It works like
Power <-----> Confidence
Humor <-----> Cockiness
What does all this mean? Simple: you gain power
via a number of ways including the ones I've
already mentioned. Through this you create
confidence. You also show power via confidence.
Next, you learn humor - that is, how to be funny
(and yes, you CAN learn this!) Then, express it via
cockiness which increases your "sense of humor"
factor. In other words, these things all work
together to build each other - and thus, your
"desirability" in the eyes of women!
Stop limiting yourself by thinking your looks
have anything to do with which women you date. It's
your power that makes that determination. Learn
power and you can look like Ric Ocasek (Google him
if you need) and hang with the most beautiful
Trouble in Break-Up
My fiancé decided it was best to end our
two year relationship about a month and a half ago.
In this time I have realized why she did it and
that she meant more to me than I ever knew. I made
a lot of mistakes that I didn't see until now.
I talked to her about a month ago and she
desperately wanted to be friends but I told her I
couldn't do it. In this phone call she said she
still loved me and wanted to keep the option for us
to get back together open but didn't want to yet.
She also seemed concerned about something I said a
while back. I said that if she ever dated another
man after we broke up that we would never get back
together. I told her that this rule didn't
necessarily apply anymore. The very next day she
started dating another man. The information that I
have is all from a reliable friend.
I did not talk to her or see her for a month.
Yesterday I called her and left a message saying
that we could be friends now and if she ever wanted
to talk she should call me. She hasn't called yet.
This woman is perfect for me and now that I know
the mistakes I made I can fix it all and we could
have a perfect, everlasting relationship. I just
need her to give me the chance.
I will do anything to get her back. She is the
woman that I am meant to be with. How can I win her
back even though she has a boyfriend? I will do
anything and I'm not just saying that.
Well, you SAY that you'll do anything, but we'll
see! Most guys claim this and few actually will do
it. Here's what you have to do: start dating other
women right away.
Will you do that? If not, then you don't need to
read any further as nothing else I'm going to tell
you will help. You'll just have to wait around and
try to convince her that she should come back to
you and that you'll change.
In fact, this won't work anyway. You didn't say
what it was that you've done that is so heinous,
but in fact, she fell in love with that guy you
used to be. If you change him, she might come back
(after you've been "punished" sufficiently) but
she'll never stay around.
I'm always concerned when a couple breaks up
this way. When you have problems, you work through
them as a team. You don't leave in order to punish
someone and you especially don't start dating
someone else to hurt them. She's obviously put her
message across to you, but this isn't exactly a
healthy, relationship-building way to do it. Thus,
I have to question the foundation of the
I hope you're still reading as you really need
to hear all of this. I'm assuming that you want her
back and that you want to get married. Frankly, I
would urge you to rethink the marriage part of this
in the strongest terms.
This isn't just about you not doing something
(or doing something wrong) and she wants it fixed.
As I've said twice now, this is about punishment.
Otherwise, she'd have tried to work all of this out
with you. If you go ahead and get married, it'll be
more out of fear of losing her again than because
getting married is the right move for your
Getting married will never give you "possession"
of her. You can never own another person even by
marrying them - people are just as likely to leave
or cheat or disassociate from their partners as
when single. All marriage will do is to give her
more tools in order to punish you next time! With a
poor foundation to begin with, this would have all
the making of a disaster!
So, what about my original advice that you start
dating other women? Here's the reality:
Right now, she knows she has you hanging by the
front door. She has no real motivation to forgive
you and thus, likely doesn't plan too unless things
go sour with the new guy, and even then, it's not
because she's committing to something - it's
because she doesn't have a better deal waiting!
Even worse, I'll bet she's scared that you'll no
longer be the guy she used to love!
Is that really how you want a relationship (let
alone a marriage) to work? I seriously, hope
By starting to date other women, you're giving
yourself (and frankly, your relationship) some
options. You'll get your head clear about all of
this and you'll start to remember how you should be
treated by women. In effect, you'll start taking
back that power you no longer have.
Once that is done, you can start negotiations
with her *IF* you want to! This will no longer be
about being sorry; it'll be about what's best for
the relationship between you two. What you have now
is definitely NOT that right now!
So, my original question still stands. Will
really you do what you have to in order to have her
back? We'll see.
The Reality of "Being
I am getting to know a Christian girl. We have
been going out for almost two months and I told her
that I like her. In the beginning she told me that
she was not interested in a relationship right now
but was ok with being friends and she continues to
go out with me. She answers my calls most of the
time but when she doesn't I become anxious and I
start thinking too much.
Please how can I deal with it?
Of course she likes going out with you - you're
free entertainment! She gets to have free meals,
movies and is generally entertained when she goes
out with you. Even better she gets to tell her
friends that she has guys "...hanging all over
That doesn't mean she's ever going to give you
anything more just because you buy her food and
It also sounds like you're trying to dominate
her time. You didn't mention this specifically but
it's a common pattern in this sort of situation. By
doing so, she never gets the chance to miss you or
to use her feminine mind to build you up.
Let me give you some secrets you need to
understand about women:
1) Women don't want to be chased - they want to
DO the chasing. This is an important lesson for any
man to learn. If you chase a woman (like this one),
she sees herself as "above you" in your
relationship. That's very bad because women want to
date "up". That is, they want to date (and win)
someone that is above them instead. You're proving
with every date that you're not this guy.
2) She already knows that she "owns you"; thus,
you're worth nothing to her. Thus, if she gets you,
what does she really get? Nothing.
3) All women "define" themselves by their
relationships just as we guys "define" ourselves
via our careers. Any time a woman says that she
doesn't want a relationship "right now" it means
that she doesn't want a relationship "with
4) You've already played your hand so you have
nothing to bargain with. You've told her that you
"like her". She doesn't have to chase you because
you've already given yourself away to her - for
In effect, what you did was tell her that you
liked her in the hopes that she would just somehow
fall in love with you and then, do all your work
for you. Since she didn't, now you continue trying
to dominate her time and get anxious when she
doesn't pick up the phone because you're afraid
that she's out with someone else.
If you really want this girl, you're going to
now have to work 10 times harder - and smarter -
than you'd otherwise have had to. Your chances of
having her now are extremely remote and my best
advice to you is to move on and find someone else
that you DON'T make these mistakes with.
Of course, you're not going to take that because
as a guy you actually believe that you can win
someone if you just work hard enough. Ok, that's
fine. Let me tell you what you need to do now:
1) Get very scarce. Don't call her, don't
contact her, don't run into her - nothing. If she
contacts you, that's fine, but take 3-4 days to get
back with her. Don't do it immediately.
2) If she contacts you, tell her that you don't
want to be her "friend" - you already have enough
of these - and if she isn't into a "relationship
right now" (bullshit as we've already discussed)
that you're not interested in her either.
3) (Most important step): start dating other
women RIGHT AWAY! It doesn't really even matter if
you're interested in them or not! You just have to
get out there in order to clear you mind of this
girl. When you don't need her, you'll be able to
make better decisions about how to win her.
Sorry my brother, that's the reality.
My Neighbor's Hot - And
She Knows It!
I've had a few girlfriends in the past and have
no problems with experience. I don't think I'm
God's gift to women, but I'm not particularly ugly
I've fallen for a neighbor girl. I'm not shy to
talk to her, but she's just perfect. She's a very
nice person, but thinks quite a lot of herself
(which makes me all the more attracted to her!)
Do you have some kind of technique or form of
body language I could use or a conversation that I
could bring up? I'm not shy so ill try
Thanks in anticipation.
I've got the perfect technique for the perfect
situation here. As you said, she "...thinks quite a
lot of herself..." That's really a ripe, ideal
ground for taking that away a little!
Here's how this works: by "busting" and
"challenging" her, you instantly change the
relative position between you and she. In effect,
you "raise your stock" in her eyes.
In order to do this, you need to treat her like
your bratty little sister rather than someone that
you're interested in. By giving her attention, you
simply play into that belief about herself. Worse,
you become just like every other guy that's
interested in her.
When you bust her on the other hand, you in
effect tell her that she has to work for your
attention - that you're not going to just give it
to her for free - and you instantly become someone
she has to know, because, well, you're not like
every other guy!
Do you see how this works?
By acting cocky and treating her like she's not
really that interesting to you you're going to
become irresistible to her.
In order to do this, just imagine how you'd
treat your little sister that always wants to hang
around you. You'd be teasing her - and you'd mean
it. Of course, you wouldn't be down-right mean to
her, but you wouldn't be very warm and cuddly
either! This is the balance you want to strike.
For example, if you see her next door, you can
say to her, "Are you spying on me or something?" or
"You're not going to become one of those nutty
busy-body neighbors like you hear about on the
news, are you?"
The trick here is to NOT laugh or make it a
joke! Act like you really mean it, but leave the
question open. Do you or don't you?
If you pull this off just right, you're going to
have her eating out of your hands.
One last point: You can't do this without giving
her an "in". That is, she has to be able to win
your attention at some point. She'll slowly start
ramping up her attempts to get you to be more than
just her neighbor. Resist the temptation to just
jump right in however. Give in just a little - and
then take it away again.
You can say something like, "Ok, you're
obviously looking for attention, but I'm busy right
now. Let's go out on Saturday, but I'll call you if
I can't." Don't call to confirm however - just
assume that she's waiting for you on Saturday, but
it's good to keep her guessing until the last
Getting the Ex Back
I read one of your replies to a question and
thought your response was excellent. Could you
please could you help with this one?
I was in a relationship with my ex for just over
a year, when we first started dating. I was finding
it very hard to get her out on dates. She is a very
attractive girl, but also has many friends so I may
have been only seeing her one night a week for the
first 1-2 months. I am a very successful young man
with good looks and many people like me, but I was
not used to this treatment, any way after about 2
months I ended the relationship, because I felt
that we needed to spend more time together.
After a couple of weeks we got back together,
and she moved into my place, things carried on
pretty much how they were but we did get to spend
more time together, we did come from totally
different situations I was used to long term loving
relationships and she was used to being single for
years just having fun with her girlfriends. I know
at times I probably came across as needy but surely
relationships are about spending time together,
The next six months went ok, but I always felt
second best and this just used to grate on me, she
was very immature and often played games with me
leaving me in no-win situations, I could play the
games back but I just didn't want too.
About two months ago she went out on a Friday
night with her friends, I called her the next
morning to see if we could meet up and she said she
was hung-over and just wanted to stay in (she was
back living at her parents.) I said, "Well it would
be nice for you to want to see me at some point
over the weekend; maybe I'll see you Monday then."
Her reply was, "There you go again - having a go at
me!" So I just said "Let's just forget it!"
We didn't talk for a week, then I tried to
contact her and she wouldn't talk to me on the
phone and proceeded to just insult me by text! I
held my own telling her how bad and selfish she can
be at times. This went on for about 2 weeks
I thought I would leave her alone after that and
have had no contact for over a month but I do miss
her and want her back.
What shall I do?
Thanks for your comments on a previous
Here's something she's not telling you: she has
lost interest, but just isn't mature enough to tell
you so. So she's just hiding and trying to insult
you trying to make you go away. In effect, she's
too much of a coward, and frankly, a self-centered
bitch (sorry, it's true) to tell you exactly what
First of all, let's consider one question: do
you REALLY want her back, or do you just feel that
you've lost and you want another chance at winning
again. It appears that this girl is manipulative,
non-communicative, self-centered and a
You on the other hand seem to be a good guy that
is just looking for a good girl. What inside of you
would make you want to chance this sort of pain?
Just because she's attractive to you means very
little. There are TONS of attractive girls out
there and in fact, many of them are also great
human beings. From your description, this is not
something I'd ever say about your ex. Don't you
deserve better than her? I think you do.
Here's a rule about women: they want to date
"up". In other words, they want to believe that
they are lucky to be with a particular guy. Your ex
obviously doesn't feel lucky at all. She didn't
even give you the courtesy of a goodbye as though
she didn't owe you anything, and is even blaming
you for her own bad behavior.
In order to make her want to change her mind
(which you already know I think is a mistake), she
has to feel some loss. What are the odds of that,
do you think? As long as you're chasing her, they
are absolutely zero. She knows she can have you
whenever she wants, and thus, your "stock" is
Thus, the answer is to get out there and start
dating every short skirt you can find. She has to
feel that she's lost you or she won't have anything
to win back.
There is an added benefit for you however: you
get to see how women really are by dating other
ones. You get to see how they treat someone that
they care about and that cares about them. Your ex
is not a good example of this at all.
What would happen then if you find some terrific
woman that fits you in every other category that
you adore? Do you think you'll forget about "Ms.
It's-all-about-me"??? You bet you will.
Who is the "winner" then?
© 2007, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,