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A Smart Way To Deal With Disrespect In a
Relationship
Have you ever felt frustrated when your partner (or
anyone else for that matter) didn't make some
changes that you wanted them to make and because of
this, you felt like you weren't being
respected?
Most of us have felt that way at one time or
another. We just wanted the other person to
"respect" us in a certain way and didn't know how
to go about getting it.
One thing we've noticed is...
One of the reasons people who are considering
leaving a relationship buy our book and audio
program "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" is
that they don't feel respected, appreciated and
important.
Yes, feeling respected is that important!
It's important to feel respected and be "heard"
in a relationship--but what if the other person
doesn't seem to want to make changes that you want
him or her to make?
Question from a Reader:
"I have been dating a guy about 1 year. We both
feel that there are a lot of good things/times in
our relationship. A very big concern that I have is
I feel that there is a lack of respect in our
relationship. He does not feel the 'need' to shower
at night. This is a person who is very busy through
the day.
"I feel that when there is someone with you,
& you have that intimate relationship, that it
is good practice to shower, & have a fresh
clean body, to be with another person. I do not
feel that it is being obsessive, to 'wash' off the
days wear & tear.
"He feels that he is being told what to do. I
have tried to explain to him that it is simple
consideration for another person. I know that I
will not be happy in this relationship, without
this simple consideration, & have tried to
explain that to him.
"I have tried to let this 'be', but it hurts me,
feeling that he does not have this simple respect
and consideration for me.
"I am wondering how we can work on this issue?
There have been times that he has showered & it
is very pleasant. I have tried to encourage him
& told him that I appreciated these times. I
have been trying to 'give it time'.
"He knows how I feel, & I keep hoping that
he will realize that I am worth that little bit of
effort. I feel that we are doing somewhat better
about discussing things, & not shutting down.
He acknowledged the unfairness to me because he is
busy. I feel that this is a first step. But also am
wondering if things will change to a point that I
will be comfortable. I am very supportive and
understanding of him & I want the same in
return."
Our Comments:
It certainly sounds like the two of you are
doing a lot of things "right" by learning how to
stay open to each other and not shuting down as you
discuss hard topics.
And as you said, that's certainly a first
step!
It also sounds like you are listening to each
other but don't know how to move forward to break
out of the stuck place that you're currently
in.
Here's what we suggest...
Keep on working on your communication.
Also...
Try doing a re-frame.
Re-frame the idea that your boyfriend doesn't
respect you.
Now before you tell us that he IS being
disrespectful in his actions (or non-actions), try
this idea on...
What you have is not a "respect" problem but
rather a difference in "rules" for living.
You have a "rule" that says that you bathe
before bed and it's a sign of respect for the other
person when you do so.
Your boyfriend seems to have the "rule" that
when you're tired from a day's work, you go
straight to bed--and it has nothing to do with not
respecting the other person you sleep with.
When you asked him to adopt your "rules," he
rebelled, dug his feet in the ground and won't
change. To him, not showering before bed is not
about respecting you.
To you, it is.
While it certainly says a lot that he
acknowledges the unfairness to you, but as you
said, you don't know if he will change--and you
don't know if you can stand it if he doesn't.
So here are some ideas to help you...
1. Try the re-frame idea on and see if you can
switch your thinking from the highly emotionally
charged criticism that "he doesn't respect me" to
"we just have different rules."
When you do this--even in your thoughts--you are
making a shift to "neutral" and not criticizing
him.
2. Talk with him from a heart-centered,
non-critical place. Even though it sounds like
you've talked about this situation with him, he may
have felt put-down and criticized--even though that
may not have been your intention.
Tell him you've appreciated how the two of you
are listening to one another.
You can tell him from your heart how you want to
be close to him--and that it's so much better for
you when he takes a shower before coming to
bed.
Talk about your different set of rules that you
each have and try a "team" approach to solve your
problem.
Open your heart to him as you talk and ask him
if he's open to figuring out how you both can get
your needs met.
3. Decide if this a deal-breaker for you. In
other words, is this issue so important that you
are willing to walk away from the relationship if
he doesn't change?
So, before you decide to walk away if he doesn't
change, give some time and attention to making some
shifts and see what happens.
One final thing about this topic before we go...
We realize that infidelity, abuse or other
major ways that agreements have been broken can be
a very different ball game from our example in this
email and can require immediate action on your
part--especially if there's been a repeat pattern.
Talk to you again soon...
©2009, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
 Their
new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go?
has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
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and 2001.
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