Susie & Otto Archive   Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the issue of Relationships. This section is an archive of Susie and Otto Collins's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. They are spiritual and life partners who are committed to helping others create outstanding relationships of all kinds. They regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and seminars on love, relationships and personal and spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA. They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit" which has helped people in over a dozen countries improve their relationships. It includes a video called Spiritual Partnerships plus two booklets Love and Relationship Success Secrets and 101 Relationship Quotes Worth a Million Dollars! You can also read more articles like these and subscribe to their weekly newsletter on love and relationships by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com Their new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go? has just been released and is now available www.stayorgo.com See Archives 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002 and 2001.  1 2 Affection: Why Is It a Challenge For Many People In Relationships? A Look at Your Past Year An Unhealthy Belief Many People Have About Relationships Are Friendships Like These Good or Bad? Asking for What you Want: Why is it so Difficult? Be Here Now.. The Flower and The Gardener How Can You Have The Kind of Love and Relationships That You Want? How Differences Can Challenge a Relationship How Differences Can Help Your Relationship How Hot Can You Stand It In Your Relationships? Instant Relationship Breakthroughs" pt.1 Instant Relationship Breakthroughs - pt.2 Is a Great Relationship Really Possible? Kindness, Openness, Embracing the Unfamiliar and Honoring Others Listening to Your Inner Voice The Miracle Moment that Builds Relationships One Secret To Putting More Life Into Your Relationships One Way To Honor and Build Trust in Your Relationship and Each Other Overwhelm Ahead--How Will Your Relationships Patience and Why It Isn't Always a Good Thing The Power of Speaking Your Truth Take Time to Connect 10 Primary Reasons Why Couples Argue, Fight and Even Break Up Around Valentine's Day 10 Primary Reasons Why Couples Argue, Fight and Even Break Up Around Valentine's Day, pt. 2 10 Primary Reasons Why Couples Argue, Fight and Even Break Up Around Valentine's Day, pt.3 A Unique Valentine's Day Gift Idea Using Laughter to keep Our Relationships Growing What can we ALL learn about relationships from Kate and Andy Spade 10 Ideas for Expanding into Love and Enjoyment Romantic Things to Do to Keep Your Relationship Vibrant, Alive and Exciting What Do You Tell Yourself? What is a 'Relationship Trap' and How Do You Know If You or Someone You Know is In One? When Do You Want Chocolate? When Is Flirting a Good Thing? Which is it-- Wants or Needs In Your Relationships and Life? Why do we seem to keep crashing into one another? Why Relationships Are So Important and How You Can Make Them Great You just don't listen to me Your Perfect Partner You just don't listen to me. Have you ever said, heard, or "thought" this complaint (or maybe it's been said to you) ? "You aren't listening to me" Here's what a woman recently wrote to us about this very issue... "All great advice, but you can't communicate with someone if that someone doesn't want to communicate with you---it's a one-way street! The person in my life believes that I never want to take advice from him and that I don't want to listen but what he forgets is that he is ALWAYS right and I can't speak my mind or he gets mad." While it sounds like this woman is truly upset about her situation, we have to agree with her about one thing--you can't communicate with someone who is closed, shut down and won't allow you in. You also can't communicate if you hold onto a lot of resentment that has built up over a long period of time--as there may have been in this case. As we thought further about this woman's comments, we completely understand that her relationship challenges are not unique. Very often, we don't listen to each other. Sometimes, even with the best of intentions and in the best of relationships, we say and do things that we might often regret later. Maybe we're not as clear in our language as we can be. Maybe we're not as open to hearing what the other person is feeling as we'd like to be. In any case, it isn't that unusual to not be "listened to" and here's one example from everyday life to illustrate this point and what can be done about it... Some time ago, Susie had to have a home exam by a nurse to qualify for a life insurance policy. The nurse was 30 minutes late and finally called for directions because she was lost and couldn't find our house. When Susie explained directions to our house, Susie could tell that the nurse wasn't listening to her because the nurse kept saying that our house was near apartments. It isn't--but the nurse just couldn't seem to get past her pre-conceived idea of where our house was located. Sure enough, she had to call again because she was unable to find our house so Susie explained again the same directions that she gave before. The nurse was surprised that she couldn't find our house because she knew our city "like the back of her hand." This seems to be exactly what happens in many relationships. We have a preconceived idea of how the other person is thinking or feeling so we don't listen when he or she speaks.  One problem is that we often listen from our own agenda and our own frame of reference. We find ourselves listening to tell our story rather than listening to connect with the other person. How many times has someone told you something and your response is not about them but about how the same or a similar situation has happened to you? How many times has someone told you something and you start thinking about how what they told you will impact you instead of just listening to the other person and how they are feeling? We struggle with this like everyone else but when we find that we are not listening to each other, we stop and acknowledge that it is happening. Then we do whatever is necessary to bring ourselves back into the present moment. That may mean giving each other space to discover feelings that have come up that prevent us from listening with an open heart and mind. When we do that, we always set a time when we will discuss the issue again. It may be that we need to simply turn and face the other person, stop what we are doing, and make eye contact to listen with the intention to understand. One of the deepest needs that we all have is the desire to be understood and to feel important. One way another person can truly feel understood is if you listen to them to connect rather than to react or respond. This week we invite you to consider making listening to connect with others a priority in your life. If you do, you'll see and feel a positive shift in your relationships. One Secret To Putting More Life Into Your Relationships ... How do you extend the life of a relationship or marriage? This is an interesting question and one that was still on Otto's mind after he got back from his chiropractor's office recently. What triggered this thought or question was a poster on the wall of the chiropractor's office. The poster had the words "proper maintenance extends life" superimposed over a large picture of a "Classic" Buick or Cadillac car from the 1950's or 60's. It was a great message that our chiropractor friend was trying to convey to his patients that was meant to suggest that with proper chiropractic maintenance you can extend your life. This is a message that also applies to not just extending your health and life but for creating a relationship that lasts as well. When it comes to relationships-- here's a startling fact that you may not have thought about up until now so brace yourself... ALL Relationships End. Notice that we didn't say that some relationships end and not others. We said that ALL relationships end and here's why this is important... Whether your relationship ends after just 2 weeks because your partner found someone else or your marriage of 60 years ends because of the death of your spouse, the reality is that all relationships do end. The only question that goes unanswered is WHEN will it end? We hope that you don't think we're being negative by bringing up this simple life and relationship truth because when we think about the question of "how long will we be together?" the truth is that we really don't know. No one does. Most people think that when they come together in a committed relationship that they are going to be together forever. One of the philosophies that we live by that has helped us to create the outstanding relationship that we have is the understanding that even though we want and intend to be together forever, this moment is all we have and we try to act from that place. One of our intentions in our relationship is to open our hearts as deeply and completely to each other while we are in relationship with each other. It has been our experience that if you do this, then the life of your relationship will not only be extended but filled with love, connection and passion as well. So, if we realize that every relationship will eventually end then that brings up the next question that most people would want the answer to... How can we make the time we do have together the best possible experience? Here are some suggestions for you to consider... 1. Be kind to each other. We're always amazed at how many people say they love one another and they aren't very kind to each other. 2. Never go to bed angry. Of all the couples we've talked to and interviewed who have been married 30, 40, and 50 years, this is the most consistent advice they have given us. 3. Be generous with compliments and thanks. Sincere compliments and thanks uplift people and can draw you closer. 4. Open your heart to the other person even if you are tired and it feels better to close down. 5. Continue to explore each other. There's always something new you can learn about your loved one even if you have been together for many years. Don't assume that you know everything about them. 6. Appreciate each other's gifts and don't make differences wrong. 7. Express your love and joy of being with your partner in whatever way that is genuine for you. 8. Be honest about what you are feeling and express it in a loving way. These are just a few of the things that bring us closer and help us to make each day special together. By writing this article, we are reminded to do them more and we invite you to do the same. Always remember that love is a choice that we open up to in every moment. You always have the choice of where you place your attention. We hope that you'll join us in choosing love most of the time. Overwhelm Ahead--How Will Your Relationships It's not often that this happens to us but the truth is that most of us experience feelings of overwhelm at one time or another and lately that's what we've felt. When it comes to feeling overwhelmed, one thing we know for sure is that it can play havoc with our relationships and often we don't even recognize what's going on. When we become overwhelmed with life--maybe we've over-committed, have way too much "on our plates," or maybe a project is more complicated than what we had originally thought, something pretty universal happens. Our thinking becomes muddled, we might get very "moody" or "touchy" and we start closing down . We may even get physically sick from the experience. All of us have unique "safety valves" and ways of coping with overwhelm when it happens but the one thing that most of us do but do not realize that we are doing during those times is to shut others out, especially those we love. The two of us have been experiencing overwhelm lately. Otto, among other things, has been redesigning and reorganizing our web site for personal growth www.PersonalGrowthPlanet.com and Susie's been trying to get a house renovation project underway, in the middle of attending a weekend workshop, taking part in an out-of-town family celebration, helping with her ailing mother, and having a tooth extracted. With all of this going on, we realized that we had begun to close our hearts to each other in certain ways. Nothing very dramatic, mind you--but we noticed that we weren't experiencing our usual close connection. When we realized what was happening, we stopped our busyness and took the time to reconnect. Last night, we just sat and looked in each other's eyes and held hands. Even though we had a lot to talk about because we really hadn't had much interaction for quite a few days, we just sat and reconnected. As we sat together with the intention of reconnecting, we waited for our hearts to open to each other. Waiting for our hearts to open to each other seems like it's a passive thing but it's really not passive at all. This is because reconnecting and opening our hearts requires us to make a conscious choice-- and the conscious choice is--are we going to stay closed or are we going to choose to open to our beloved and the other people in our lives? This choice, by the way, whether we realize it or not is not a one-time choice or a function of our circumstances. This decision about whether to open or close our hearts to the people in our lives is a moment-by-moment decision that we're all making thousands of times every day. This decision about whether to (and how wide) to open your heart to others just may be the single biggest factor that will determine how close and connected your relationships are. The feeling of being "overwhelmed" is one of many things in our lives that can cause us to lose track of what's really important in our lives and cause us to feel distance and separation with the people in our lives that matter most to us. Because we know that many of you experience overwhelm in your lives from time to time too, we wanted to give you a few ideas for helping you to regain your sense of balance, open your heart and reconnect with those you love. These ideas have helped us and may also help you. 1. When you realize that you are overwhelmed, stop, breathe and take a moment to slow life down. Do what you need to do to calm or center yourself. That may mean taking a walk in the woods, sitting by yourself for a few minutes, Bach flower remedies, aroma therapy, meditation, exercise, listen to calming music, sing, dance--whatever helps you to feel in balance and "like yourself" again. If you don't have a way to center yourself, experiment with some of our examples before you feel overwhelmed. When we are overwhelmed, we often feel like we don't have the time to do those things that will help us. But what the two of us have discovered is that if we don't take the time to "center" ourselves, we just tend to make things worse! 2. Back up and re-evaluate your priorities. Get clear about your goals and what you want. Susie had the grandiose idea of painting one of the rooms in their house this coming weekend but with all that has gone on in the last couple of weeks, we decided to scale down our expectations. We decided to get very clear about our goal for remodeling that room, to take a few steps back and to begin reorganizing instead. We'll paint it after a few other things are done to the room. If you have a big project staring you in the face, take the pressure off, evaluate what you want and break it up into bite-sized pieces that won't overwhelm you. You might even decide that you need to say "no" to something that will give you more space and time. Give yourself the permission to do that if it's needed. 3. If you are caught up in being overwhelmed, turn your attention to your relationships with the people you love. You may have been ignoring them and taking them for granted. Make a connection with your kids, your partner/spouse, your friends, other loved ones. Spend some time just being totally present with the ones you love and not thinking about what has been overwhelming you. Always remember that we always have other choices for new possibilities in every area of our lives. When it comes to our relationships, please know that we always have more possibilities than we realize to open more often and wider to the love that's available to us all the time. We just have to be conscious enough, willing enough and committed enough to do this even when life gets crazy and a bit overwhelming. Kindness, Openness, Embracing the Unfamiliar and Honoring Others Last weekend we attended an absolutely marvelous, unique celebration of the wedding of the son of a good friend of ours. This wedding celebration was both unusual and unique... It was unusual because it was one of the few (if not the only) wedding celebrations we've ever been to where there was a rich aura of kindness, openness, honoring and embracing the unfamiliar. The wedding and celebration was unique because the couple were married twice on the same afternoon--once in a traditional Hindu ceremony and once in a traditional Jewish ceremony. These ceremonies honored the different cultures and heritages of the bride and the groom and their families. The ceremonies were both reverend and celebratory. It was quite an afternoon that we really enjoyed because we were among the many groups of people from many different cultures that were gathered for several hours to honor this couple and what we observed was that there was an honoring on the part of everyone who was present. As guests, we were honored with wonderful food, good music, an absolutely breathtaking setting for the ceremonies, many people of different cultures to talk with, and new experiences. We all like to be honored for what we do for other people and for who we are. It's a way of showing and accepting love from other people--and it just feels good! So, the questions we had for ourselves and ones we'll offer for you as well are these... How are you honoring the people in your life? How open are you when it comes to embracing the unfamiliar, new possibilities and new ideas for living with and being with others? This includes your immediate family, your co-workers, friends, extended family and people you come in contact with on a daily basis. We've talked about the idea of honoring differences before in this newsletter but after what we saw at the wedding celebration, we wanted to mention it again. Very often the differences between us and the people we're closest to and those we come in contact with in our daily lives are not as clear and obvious. But in our experience the differences are there just the same. As we think about the diversity of all the people that attended and participated in the wedding ceremonies we mentioned, we are reminded of the line from the Band U2's song called "One" that says "we're all one but were not the same." You may have a different interpretation for that line but we think that it means that we all want the same things in life whether we realize it or not. We all want love, kindness, openness and of course, we all want to be honored. Since last weekend's wedding we attended was deep in diversely different traditions, we came away with the feeling that if there was anything that went on that afternoon, it was honoring on many different levels. Of course there was honoring of the couple that got married and there was also honoring of and embracing of different cultures and experiences. When it comes to the people in your life-- whether it's your significant other, your spouse or anyone else-- one thing is for sure-- they want to be honored. How can you honor them and make them understand how much you care and how much you value their contribution to your life? Honoring the other people in your life is certainly worth doing not just for that other person's benefit for yours as well. Most of us are always interested in ways to build better relationships. Honoring each other is one of those ways to do it. With that in mind, here are a few ideas for honoring and being honored: (We're sure you'll have plenty of your own!) 1. Each morning the two of us honor each other by looking in each other's eyes and expressing how much love we are feeling. This only takes a few minutes to do and we can feel the effects throughout the day. 2. Instead of buying something for each other's birthday, we have a private celebration. This year for Susie's birthday, Otto is creating a special celebration to honor Susie. Find some special ways to honor your loved ones. 3. Something as simple as a "thank you" phone call, email or note after someone has entertained you, done something out of the ordinary for you or given you something is a way of honoring the gift and the other person. 4. You can honor someone with a smile, a loving thought and by being kind instead of impatient. How many times have we rushed around and been impatient with sales clerks and others when the lines haven't moved as quickly as we wanted? We suggest that this week you look at the people who cross your path with new eyes. Look with the eyes of one who is appreciating differences and honoring the other person. If you do, we're sure that your relationships will become as rich as the ones we witnessed at the wedding celebration. 10 Ideas for Expanding into Love and Enjoyment It's summertime where we live and the flowers are in full bloom. Since we've had quite a bit of rain, our yard is also lush with various shades of green. With all of this "lushness" around us, we think that it's a great reminder for all of us to relax and expand into loving and enjoying ourselves and each other a little more than what we normally do. We came up with 10 ideas for relaxing and expanding into more love and enjoyment this summer and we'd like to share them with you... 1. When driving your car, turn off your air conditioner and "roll" the windows down in your car. Feel the wind blowing through your hair and on your face as a way to feel more alive and open. 2. Eat "cooler" foods and drinks. It will reduce stress if you eat foods that are cooler and not as spicy. Sounds strange-- but true. 3. Show a little skin and wear some color. Be a little more daring and adventurous with your clothing choices. Even if you have a few extra pounds that you aren't happy with, experiment with wearing a piece of clothing or colors that you might not normally wear. 4. Let your fingers do the walking. Call or email your partner or a friend during the day and arrange something special to do together that evening. If you have a partner, It might be something very simple like sitting on the patio after dark and kissing instead of watching television. 5. Take more walks. Walking makes you feel healthier and is a great stress reducer. It can also bring you closer whether you are walking with a friend or your intimate partner. If you are walking with your partner, hold hands and create more closeness while you are enjoying the out-of-doors. 6. Play in the rain. Playing in the rain is something that many of us did as kids in the summer but not since we became grown-ups. The next time it rains (you might even use the lawn sprinkler), go out and run and dance in it. If your partner chooses to go with you, it's a great opportunity to laugh and have fun. If your partner doesn't choose to go with you or if you have no partner right now, just go out and have fun by yourself. 7. Take a picnic lunch or dinner to a beautiful location. Even if you are living and working in a city, there are usually parks that are beautiful this time of year. Take advantage of this beauty and ask your partner or a friend to go with you. 8. Drink in a sunset or sunrise. In our town, we have a bike path by the river and it's a perfect place to watch the gorgeous sunsets that are happening. The other evening, Susie just stopped and breathed in the beauty of the sky colors. There was even a rainbow! Enjoy this vision by yourself or with a loved one or friend. 9. Listen to music that helps you soar. Choose to listen to music that uplifts you. We are loving the music of Deva Premal and Miten right now. If you don't have music that uplifts you, go to a bookstore that has those music listening stations and experiment. Find what uplifts and expands you. 10. Do something kind for someone. Nothing feels better than to do something that's kind and loving for someone else. It might be something for your family, partner, friend, or a complete stranger. If you do it anonymously, it feels even better. You might be wondering right now what all of these ideas have to do with improving your relationships... Here's what we know and believe... When we are feeling good, open and expanded, we are loving ourselves and each other more deeply. We feel a deeper connection with each other, we are more understanding and not as judgmental, and we have more fun. Whether you resonate with any of our ideas or not, take this opportunity to open and expand and try some things that you might not normally do. If you do, we're sure that your life will be a richer experience and your relationships will improve. How Hot Can You Stand It In Your Relationships? During the past couple of weeks, most of the United States, has been experiencing hot, hot, hot temperatures that are far above normal. When it's this hot outside, we can't help being reminded of the heat. The ways we deal with this unusual heat wave and the high temperatures have a lot in common with the way many of us deal with our relationships. Sometimes these ways can keep us from having relationships that are as good as possible. How, you might ask? We ALL have a certain temperature at which our body is comfortable. Once we start getting above (or below) that temperature, we'll do whatever we can to make ourselves comfortable once again. For example, when the temperature gets hotter than we are comfortable with, we start doing things to get cooled off such as going to the pool, eating a popsicle, drinking lots of cold water, turning the air conditioners on full blast to make it cooler etc. Oddly enough, when it comes to love and our relationships, many of us do the same thing. Very often, when it starts getting really good or when the relationship "heats up," we start getting uncomfortable and start unconsciously doing things to "cool down" our relationship. We start doing things like not returning phone calls, looking for things you don't like about the other person so you can "pick a fight," taking each other for granted, consistently being late for dinner, not treating the other person like the special person they are to you and so on. In our relationship, there were times in the past when we experienced periods of deep intensity and connection but one or both of us would unconsciously do something to cause a disconnection. For the longest time, we just couldn't figure it out. But now we know what it is. It's human nature that when you are growing and expanding your limits, there's a tendency to fall back into patterns that feel comfortable and safe. Now you may think that intense connection may feel safe and comfortable but it just may not if it's an unfamiliar feeling to you. So our question to you is this... How hot can you stand it? This question can be about connection with your partner or another person, sex or any other way you are willing to open yourself to expanding into experiencing more joy and happiness in your life. If you are experiencing periods of opening and expansion and then shutting down or closing to the other person, know that this is pretty normal behavior when you are trying something new. We're reminded of Susie's sister's 15 month old grandson, Josiah. He's been learning to walk and has taken his time doing it. In the last couple of weeks, he's done a combination of crawling and taking a few steps by himself. We've noticed that in the last few days, he's decided to spend most of his time upright and walking carefully. The point is that he didn't walk overnight. Often he seemed to revert back to crawling just when we thought he had the idea of walking down pat. This is exactly how we expand consciousness in our relationships. We usually don't do it in one fell swoop. We take one step forward, take a step backward and then take two steps forward. So this week, ask yourself how hot or how connected you can stand it in your relationships. Begin noticing when you do things to "cool down" your relationship when things get going really good. When you start doing things to "cool down" your relationships, you might want to take a moment to discover what it is that concerns you about more intensity, more passion or more whatever--than you are comfortable with. Also notice that this uncomfortable feeling may be just something that you need to pay attention to and then go ahead and take a step forward if that is your intention--or you just as easily might need to take a step backwards. Be gentle and loving with yourself as you expand and move forward into greater, happier and more joyful relationships. Why Relationships Are So Important and How You Can Make Them Great Our thoughts and prayers go out to the many people whose lives have been irreversibly changed forever because of Hurricane Katrina that hit Florida, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. Like many of you, we've been watching TV and getting updates about all the damage that has been done. While we've been emotionally impacted in a big way by what we've been seeing, we couldn't help but think that there is a big lesson about the importance of love and relationships as we've been watching the unfolding tragic events in the USA Gulf coast region. The big lesson is this: Love and relationships are the most important things in our lives. What we've seen in this tragedy is that while people are concerned about their homes, property, jobs and other possessions, what people most want to know is if their family, friends and loved ones are safe. While it must be extremely painful to lose all the possessions you've worked so hard for (as many have during the past few days), all things can be rebuilt or replaced somehow or someway. Although possessions are important and they do enrich our lives, It's our belief that when each of us gets to the end of our lives and looks back, what we will cherish most are the relationships we've had and the love we've shared with the people we've cared about the most. The questions we are always thinking about in our lives are: How can we love more, attract more love into our lives and how can we make our relationships even better? These are good questions and the best and simplest answer we could give you is to suggest to you that you simply make your relationships a priority. As you go about your life each day simply be a living, breathing example of love, gratitude and kindness in action. This is not always easy but this is how you both attract and keep the love you want in your life. Think about it... If you want more love in your life, then be more loving. If you want more kindness in your life, then be more kind. If you want to attract a more open partner into your life, then be more open. Brian Tracy calls this the "law of reciprocity" and it's very similar to the idea of "sowing and reaping" where you get out of something exactly what you put in. We're always amazed when we're coaching someone about their relationship challenges and they aren't willing to look at themselves openly and honestly about how they are contributing to whatever challenges are going on. Whether you're looking for a new partner or you have been with someone for 40 years, one of the best ways to attract and keep the love you want in your life is to become the kind of person that could attract and keep the kind of person you want in your life. Everything else is just the details. All you have to do next is determine what those details are, do those things and open to being that person and you'll have all the love you want in your life. That's it. It's not any more complicated than that. It's just that most of us let our fears and programming of our past get in the way of having the love we really want in our lives. Our advice: Let go of the fear and let go of your programming from your past that is no longer serving you and say YES to love. We're not always perfect, but that's what we continue to do every day to have the love we want and that's what you can do as well. Give up the struggle and say YES to love at every opportunity. Love and a great relationship awaits. Romantic Things to Do to Keep Your Relationship Vibrant, Alive and Exciting It's often been said that it's the little things in life that make all the difference. No where is this truer than when it comes to keeping your relationship alive, growing and vibrant. Romance can be one of those things that keeps a relationship fresh and exciting. We all have different ideas of what "romance" and "being romantic" means. There can be a lot of unmet expectations, frustrations and feelings of failure around this idea. We don't think it has to be this way. What being romantic means to us is that we are continuously discovering ways to laugh, love and connect with each other and deepen our intimacy all the time. To us, romance is what we do on a moment-by-moment and day-by-day basis to make our relationship stronger and more passionate. Being romantic is a way of showing our deep love for each other. Of all the romantic things to do, we've found that the small things make the biggest difference. Here's an example of what happened the other night... Susie went camping for one night with her extended family and since Otto doesn't like "roughing" it, he stayed home. As she snuggled down in her tent with her sister, Susie called Otto on her cell phone to say goodnight. She told him that she loved him and missed him. Although a phone call is a pretty normal thing to do between people who truly care about one another when they are apart, it can be a way to connect and rekindle love in a romantic way like we did. Romantic things to do for each other are romantic only when they create the desired effect within the other person and within the relationship. Romance will only create the desired effect when it is not done out of obligation or because it is expected. So what are the best romantic things to do to make your relationship more alive? That depends on you and your partner because everyone is different. Romance is certainly in the eye of the beholder! To some people, a "no-brainer" romantic thing to do is to send flowers. You can't go wrong with flowers, right? Wrong. You can go wrong with flowers if there is little or no "heart" in the gesture and if there's something else that the other person is wanting. Susie's ex-husband often brought her flowers during their 30-year marriage. Although it truly was a wonderful gesture, what she really wanted more was to connect on a deeper level with him. With that being said, here are some ideas around the notion of romance and being romantic... 1. Pay attention to what your partner likes. If he/she likes surprises, surprise him/her. If not, don't--even if you like surprises. Pay attention to your partner's favorite things that they seldom indulge themselves in and then do those things. It might be something your partner wouldn't buy or do for themselves like buy a cd of their favorite music. 2. A romantic gesture can be doing a very small thing. It might be after the kids are in bed, getting a bowl of ice cream and two spoons--then sharing it. It might be putting the kids to bed without being asked. It might be a hug or a foot rub. For Susie, a romantic gesture is when Otto lovingly puts his hand on the back of her neck. 3. Romance can be taking a trip down memory lane. Visit where you went on your first date or some other place that holds significance for the two of you. It's very romantic for the two of us to visit the natural setting where we went on our first date and where we got married. 4. We've heard people say that they are not romantic. If you've never considered yourself to be romantic and never really wanted to be but your partner would likemore "romance," you can begin by changing your thinking. Instead of thinking that romance is something artificial and outside yourself that you "do," you can begin thinking that romance is merely ways of expressing your love that your partner will receive and enjoy. 5. What if you want more romance and your partner doesn't seem to? Be more romantic and loving yourself in the way that your partner wants to be loved. Start with little ways and just see what happens. Romance and being romantic are the things you do that bring you closer together and keep the spark alive. Being romantic and finding romantic things to do is something that you or anyone can do. You just have to open to more possibilities, have the desire create special times with your partner or spouse and allow the ideas to flow from love. Patience and Why It Isn't Always a Good Thing Here's an important relationship question about patience for you to consider... Is it true that patience is one of the biggest ingredients that it takes to create a great, long-lasting relationship? Many people think so, including us. But that's not the whole story about relationships and patience. Webster's dictionary defines "patient" as "bearing pain or trials without complaint. Showing self-control, calm, steadfast, persevering." While we think that patience is a good virtue to have in relationships and can contribute to their longevity, patience alone will not make for a great relationship and here's why... Recently, while attending a conference, we met a couple who were business partners and had been married business partners for well over twenty years. When they found out that we were relationship coaches, of course the discussion gravitated to the subject of how to have a great relationship. The woman told us that she thought that the key to having a really good, long-lasting relationship with her husband was patience. The challenge with the belief that patience is the primary key to having a great, long-lasting relationship is that having patience alone is leaving it up to chance that her relationship and her husband will someday be the way she wants them to be. For the person who believes that patience is the major requirement for creating a great relationship, they may be essentially saying that they are waiting for the other person to continue to grow and come up to their level. Sometimes patience masks feelings of superiority and ridicule. The "patient" person might think to themselves--"I'll just wait until he/she finally gets it together." There might even be a bit of martyrdom in these thoughts! Sometimes patience hides what's really going on in the relationship and allows both people to not take responsibility for creating the type of relationship that they want. One person may need to set boundaries, say what's true for them, ask for what they want and start loving themselves in order for the relationship to grow and be great. Patience can also mean passivity, implying that you do nothing but sit back and allow whatever is going on with the other person or the relationship to run its course or right itself. Sometimes this is a good thing to do but many times it isn't. The other person may be in a crisis and may need some proactive help in getting out of it. One man we recently talked to told us that he had been patient for many months after his wife went into an emotional depression. In the process of reaching out to find the help that he needed to cope with their situation, his wife also got the help she needed to finally start to heal. He was proactive and it is making his life and relationship better. The ideas around patience that we would invite you to embrace involves honoring the other person for who they are and their path in life. In our relationship, the two of us make decisions very differently and at times we have allowed those differences to drive us crazy. Now, Instead of having our differences drive us crazy-- when we are faced with a big decision, we have learned to honor each other's processes and not force our way of doing things on the other person. When one of us is having challenges, the other person is very "present" and there to support but not fix it. We may offer suggestions if asked, but we simply hold each other in a field of love. With that being said, here are some of our thoughts around this idea of patience and it's role in creating a great relationship... 1. Recognize that patience is a virtue and is good but don't mistake the virtue of being patience with the idea of being passive to get what you want. 2. Commit to honoring what is inside you and sharing it with your partner or the people in your life. 3. Explore what you both want from life at your core and tell one another what you discover. 4. Understand that we are all always growing, expanding and evolving and constantly renew yourself and your relationship every day. 5. Listen, truly listen, without your agenda getting in the way. As you've found by reading this article, patience alone (or any other quality) is not the key ingredient of a great relationship map, all by itself. There are many keys to a great relationship and patience is just one of many. Instant Relationship Breakthroughs" pt.1 Some people believe that change takes a very long time to happen. These people believe that if you want to improve something or change something in your life that you peck away at it and eventually you'll have want you want. It's been our experience that change happens in two ways: 1. Yes, it can take a long time to happen or 2. You can do things to create what we call "Instant Breakthroughs." You can create these "instant breakthroughs" in any area of your life if you're open to them and since our focus in this newsletter is relationships-- the big question is... How do you create "instant breakthroughs" in your relationships? Before we give you some ideas on how to do this, let us first tell you what "instant relationship breakthroughs" are... An instant relationship breakthrough is one moment when one or both of you in the relationship make a shift to do, say or act differently and there's an opening, a sense of understanding or feeling of connection and communion in the relationship that wasn't there previously. If your intention is to create these breakthroughs, then you will create the type of relationships that you want and have more love, passion, intimacy and connection. To give you an idea of what we're talking about, here are a few "Instant Relationship Breakthroughs" that you can begin practicing right now to make your relationships even better... Instant Relationship Breakthrough Idea #1 ~Be proactive and responsible in creating your life the way you want If you don't have the love you want (or anything else), you're the one who is blocking it. Think about your garden hose. What happens when it gets a major kink in it? The water doesn't flow past the kink. It's shut off until you remove the kink. That's the way we believe that it is with us in our lives. When we block our natural radiance, we block what we want from coming to us. We can choose to allow our life force to flow or not allow it to flow. It's our choice. Some of you at this point might be arguing with us and saying "I'm not blocking it. It's because of __________ (you fill in the blank) that I don't have exactly what I want in my life." Any time that you don't accept that you are the one blocking the flow of love, then you are not allowing yourself to be responsible and to begin creating the life and relationships that you want. We all have places in our lives where we can step up to the plate, so to speak, and take responsibility for turning our lives around--for making small or big changes that will make our lives and the lives of those we come in contact with better. Today, ask yourself these questions- 1. "How have I put up walls and barriers to having the love and relationships that I think I want?" 2. "What mental shifts can I make to let go of the walls and barriers that I've created that prevent me from having what I want?" Instant Relationship Breakthrough Idea #2 ~The power of making completions that have kept you from moving forward in your life and relationships. Most of us have an awareness of things that have been left unsaid that needed to be said or things that needed to be done that weren't done. If you need to do a completion about anyone or anything in your life, it can be a breakthrough moment for you and the other person. Cathy took one of our courses and told us later that she had made two completions that by doing them, she was moving forward to having what she wanted in her life. She returned all of one man's things that were left at her house, including a computer, several months after they had broken their relationship and also she decided to break it off with a married man she'd been seeing every now and then for years. These things from a former lover and the relationship that wasn't going anywhere were holding her back from being with someone who could love her the way she wanted to be loved. Completions aren't always as dramatic as Cathy's but they always free up energy for something more wonderful and powerful in our lives. On television the other day, we saw an interview with a couple who had been married 40 years. When asked how they kept their spark, they said that they never go to bed mad at each other. That's a great example of a completion--of not allowing resentments to build--of saying unsaid words that may be getting in the way of a great connection with a partner. We all have ways we can make completions in our lives that will free up energy so that we can have what we want. Anything left unsaid is an incompletion. Challenges or problems in the bedroom or around sex are almost always about unspoken truths, withheld emotions and incompletions. Today, ask yourself these questions... 1. "What is one completion that I've needed to make with someone or something?" 2. "What's one small action that I can take to start this completion process?" #pt2 Instant Relationship Breakthroughs - pt.2 As we discussed in last week's newsletter... An instant relationship breakthrough is one moment when one or both of you make a shift to do, say or act differently and there's an opening, a sense of understanding or feeling of connection and communion in the relationship. If your intention is to create these breakthroughs, then you will create the type of relationships that you want and have more love, passion, intimacy and connection. To give you an idea of what we're talking about, here are a few more "Instant Relationship Breakthroughs" that you can begin practicing right now to make your relationships better... Instant Relationship Breakthrough Idea #3 ~-Make a definite "yes" or a "no" "Yes or no" is a way of discerning emotions--a measurement tool for gauging your emotions and making quicker decisions on how you want to run your life and for getting unstuck. We are constantly making choices, either consciously or unconsciously, about how we will use our time, who we will be with, and what we will do. All these decisions (or lack of decisiveness) positively or negatively affect our happiness. When we don't make a definite "yes" or "no," we get stuck in "maybe" land and others decide for us by default how we'll live our lives. When people get stuck in "maybe" land, they tend to become angry and resentful but the fact is they didn't make a choice. Here's an example of what we're talking about... Imagine you and your partner or you and a friend decide to go to the local movie theater this Friday night. There are several possible choices of movies at your theater and you begin talking about what you'd like to see with your partner or friend. Imagine that your partner or friend has a strong preference toward one movie and you'd really like to see another but you don't say anything. You give your partner or friend a weak, "maybe" or "I don't care" and end up seeing the movie they wanted to see. Later, you feel resentful and angry because this always seems to happen and you "never get to see the movie that you want to see." A breakthrough moment is when you empower yourself and express what you want, giving a clear "yes" or "no." A lot of people feel anger and resentment toward others but what they actually may be feeling is resentment towards themselves for not having the confidence to go for what they really want. So how do you know whether a decision you are faced with is a "yes" or a "no"? 1. When someone asks you to do something or a choice is before you, take a moment to quiet yourself and breathe. 2. Check in with how you are feeling inside. To practice this, think of a definite "yes" in your life, something you are absolutely certain about. It might be "I'm a great dancer" or "I'm a good cook" or even "I have green eyes." When you think of the "yes," what do you feel inside your body? Where do you feel it? When there's a "yes" for Otto, he feels a strength inside himself and a sense of expansion. Now think of a definite "no" in your life. What does it feel like in your body? When there's a "no" for both of us, there's a sinking and heaviness in our solar plexus and chest. This feeling may be somewhere else for you and it might not be a sinking feeling or heaviness. It might be a dull ache or feeling of being uncomfortable. Whenever we are faced with a decision, if we take the time to go within, we can feel whether something is a "yes" or a "no." By doing this, we bypass the wishy-washy place of being stuck in "maybe." This doesn't just apply to making decisions about which movie to see. We invite you to do this exercise of consciousness on a regular basis about all the things in your life. When you do, you will be clear about who you are and what you are feeling so there's no chance of assumptions being created that get in the way of connecting with others. Ask yourself these questions... 1. Where do you feel a "yes" in your body? 2. Where do you feel a "no" in your body? 3. In what areas of your life do you need to give a clear "yes" or "no"? 4. What are you willing to do to begin practicing this? Listening to Your Inner Voice If you never imagined that a goose could teach you about making your relationships better, think again. Here's a bazaar true story that Susie's daughter told her about a co-worker's experience. Ann was training for a marathon, running on a bike path in a major city where she lives. As she was running, a goose waddled onto the path and she ran around it. When Ann made her second loop around the path, she saw a man playing defense with the same goose she had seen before. By playing "defense", we mean that the goose was chasing after the man and not allowing him to pass on the path. The man decided to fool the goose and ran off into the woods. But as he did, the goose flew on the man's back and started flapping its wings. Ann tried to distract the goose and the goose started after her! Now, Ann told Susie's daughter that she isn't necessarily "spiritual," "religious," or into personal growth but she did listen to a voice within her that said, "Be one with the goose." She dropped into a squat and safely waddled around the angry goose. The point of this story is to indicate that when we listen to that small, still voice within--as Wayne Dyer called it--miraculous things happen in our lives. So often we find ourselves relying on the chatter that goes on constantly in our minds and fear blocks us from hearing what is truly inside of us. We've discovered that one of the keys to creating the kind of life and relationships that we want is to listen to that still, small voice within. Just as the voice from within can guide and direct us for getting help when our car has broken down or finding our way in a strange city, it can also help us to find our perfect mate, be a better partner or parent to the people in our lives and to learn to love ourselves. The key is that we must be open to hearing and acting on what we hear. You might be wondering if the voice and the information that you are hearing is your true inner voice and is really worth following or not. What we have experienced is in order to know whether to follow that still, small voice from within, you have to determine whether it's speaking from a place of fear or empowerment. We've also found that in order to hear that true voice, it's helpful to calm your mind's chatter by meditation, deep breathing, a walk in the woods or some other way that appeals to you. Ann listened to her voice within and in her words, became "one with the goose" and was able to get around it without being harmed. So, this week we invite you to remember Ann and her experience with the goose and begin to be more open to listening to your inner voice within. When you do, we think that your life and your relationships will begin to open to more possibilities and to the flow of good things that are available to all of us. What is a 'Relationship Trap' and How Do You Know If You or Someone You Know is In One? Here's a new idea we wanted to share with you that can completely transform the quality of your relationships and your life if you do just one thing. So, what's this NEW IDEA and what's the ONE THING? It's the idea of "traps" and how we don't have to let them keep us from having the best if we can only learn to recognize them when we're in them. Whether it's in our relationships, health, finances, or any other part of our lives, these "traps" can keep us from having the good things that are possible. What's interesting is that most of the time we don't even recognize when we've created a "trap" and that we are staying stuck in this trap of our own creation. Because we are bombarded by so much information all of the time, our minds have to have some way of organizing this information into a way that makes sense to us. Sometimes we organize this information into ways that help and support us and other times, we organize it in ways that disempower us. The challenge for all of us is to recognize when our thinking is pulling us into a "trap" that doesn't serve us. So how do these mind "traps" affect your relationships? We'll tell you a story to explain what we mean. This past week, Susie got her hair cut at a local salon. While she was there, she couldn't help noticing that a new hair stylist was waiting for her boyfriend to pick her up and that he was late. The entire time the hair stylist was waiting on him, she explained loudly enough so everyone in the salon could hear about her current challenges with him. She attributed his moodiness this time to his cousin visiting for the last 3 1/2 weeks. A few minutes later, Susie overheard a phone conversation in which this woman told someone that she had had it with her boyfriend. She said, "I've got nothing else to say to him." Susie commented to the woman who was cutting her hair that it seemed like she had plenty to say to him and if she didn't, they were both going to be entrenched in their positions and stay stuck. If we take out our crystal ball and look into this hair stylist's life, here's her possible and maybe probable future-- Their relationship will end. She'll find someone new who will eventually treat her the same way and she'll wonder what happened. Her old boyfriend will find someone new also and create the same kind of relationship he created with her. This is an example of one of the most familiar "Relationship Traps" we see people falling into--two people who are unable to recognize what they are feeling and unable to express it to each other in a way that can be heard. In our example, this woman's trap is her thought and learned belief that she has nothing to say to her boyfriend when she hasn't felt loved, appreciated and understood. She has told everyone else how she feels and not him. The truth is that this woman has created a mind trap for herself. If she wasn't telling herself this "story" that she didn't have anything to say to her boyfriend, she would realize that she had plenty to say to him and that they were at a crossroads where this next moment will either move closer together or further apart. What we are saying is that it's important to learn to recognize when your thoughts are empowering, when they are disempowering traps and have the awareness and wisdom to know the difference. How can you tell the difference between an empowering thought or disempowering trap? One way is to ask yourself this question: "Will thinking or acting this way give me more or less the results that I want in this situation?" Using the hair stylist example--Will her thought that she has nothing to say to her boyfriend bring her more love in her relationship with him or less? We invite you to use this question as a guide to help you determine whether any thought or action is in alignment with what you want. Why do we seem to keep crashing into one another? Because we're fascinated by relationships and our desire to understand why we are the way are and why we do what we do, we're always talking about and exploring how relationships work, both with our coaching clents and in our personal lives. Recently, we saw the film "Crash" and although we certainly don't want to spoil it for you, we felt that the message about relationships we got from it was too important to not pass onto you--along with our thoughts. The film is set in Los Angeles and the first words spoken as we watch several cars crashing into one another on the freeway are these--"Sometimes I think that people in this town crash into each other so they can feel one another." The rest of the film depicts how people "crash" into one another in various ways for various reasons. This "crashing" is not just the crashing into one another with our vehicles but how we crash into one another in a million other ways either consciously or unconsciously. At the bottom of all of this "crashing" is the idea that we are all connected to each other and that we are all doing the best we can to feel it. The message that we got from this film rang very true for us because we've watched as other people "crash" into one another and we "crash" into each other for attention, for love, for connection, to relieve pain, for revenge or to just simply "feel" another human being. How many of us choose unhealthy ways of "crashing" into other people hoping for a different outcome or maybe just a small spark of connection, love or attention? We keep trying to get the attention, love or whatever we want from others, even if it's done in a negative way and we keep getting negative results. One vivid memory Susie has is when she "crashed" into her previous husband to try to get him to express emotion when her grandfather died. She badgered him until he broke down and cried. They both had loved him very much but Susie's previous husband hadn't been able to show any emotion when her grandfather passed. Susie needed that connection with her previous husband and she needed him to show emotion--so she emotionally "crashed" into him to get through the walls he had created. But in our relationship, the two of us have found out that it doesn't have to be that way. We have discovered that we can love each other and the other people in our lives and connect without "crashing" into each other in negative and unhealthy ways that cause pain. Just like you, we have our own lessons to learn and we know that we're not perfect. Occasionally we do have challenges that have to be worked through. With this in mind, here are some ideas and suggestions we can offer to help you connect in more healthy and loving ways in your life... 1. Learn to first connect with yourself. While we all need to connect with others, we need to start learning to connect with ourselves. That means learning to feel your emotions and what you are feeling, acknowledge them and let them flow. 2. Allow others to be where they are and don't expect them to follow your path or feel what you are feeling. 3. Center or calm yourself before you tell someone what you are feeling or what you want from them. There are many ways to do this, one good way is using your breath. Get yourself into a space of feeling love for the other person--even if it's a person at work that you need to connect with. 4. Express what you need to express in a way that the other person can hear without judgment and blame. Don't let yourself get defensive and make sure of your intentions before you express yourself. 5. Make heartfelt requests when you need to from a calm, centered space. When you do, the other person will be better able to take in your request without getting defensive themselves and angry. You don't need to "crash" into each other to get what you want and need . There are always other ways to get what you want or need. We recommend that you try some of these ideas this week and see how your life and relationships change for the better. Affection: Why Is It a Challenge For Many People In Relationships? What do you do when one person in a relationship wants more affection than the other person is able to give? Not only is this an interesting question-- but it's also a challenge that many couples have, not just about affection, but about how to deal with the differences between the wants and needs of each person in many parts of the relationship. Recently, we received a question from one of our newsletter subscribers about affection that intrigued us and we thought we'd share our answer with all of you. The question she asked was--"I would like to know how I can be a bit more affectionate. There is this guy I just started seeing and he is very affectionate, but I am not and it's a problem. So how can I start to be more open with my feelings?" What we would recommend to her and anyone who wants to be more affectionate (and isn't) is to take some time and examine the reasons why you aren't more affectionate. We'll talk about some of these possible reasons in a moment, but before we do, it's important to point out that if you are feeling that you are not as affectionate as you (or your partner) would like you to be, then this suggests that you have some barriers to intimacy that are present in this relationship. If this is the case, even though there may be much love and appreciation, caring and good feelings between the two of you, there is something within you that is causing you to keep yourself from giving more of yourself physically or emotionally to that person. Take some time, feel what you are feeling when you think about your situation and then see what comes up for you. In our way of thinking, if you're not as affectionate as you or your partner would like you to be, there could be many things going on. Here are just a few of the possibilities... 1. You didn't see affection when you were growing up and it feels foreign to you. 2. You don't feel that you deserve to be loved in this way. 3. You have fear of intimacy that keeps you somewhat at a distance from your partner. 4. You have "bought into" some programming that has told you that it's not okay to be affectionate and you've never questioned this for yourself to examine what feels right to you. If you haven't questioned this idea and have embraced it as you own, it may have just become "the way you are" without you realizing you could choose to be different. 5. You're not really wanting to be closer to your partner and you don't love him/her as much as you think. 6. It's possible that there has been abuse in your past that holds you back from responding and giving affection. While we're not sure which of these (if any) applies in this person's case or yours, those are some possibilities and potential "causes" for lack of affection for you to consider. So, once you have discovered what's underneath your feelings, what do you do with this information? While we're not suggesting that you dwell on the past, it is helpful to discover whether you need to work with a therapist or coach to help you heal some of your issues. Or it might be that just by realizing where some of your behavior comes from, you can switch your thinking to more of what you want on your own. In any case, the first thing you can do is to decide if you really do want to be more affectionate with this person or not and how you'd like to be in this relationship. If you honestly do want to be more affectionate, you have a choice to make. You can choose to hold onto the idea that you "aren't an affectionate person" or you can choose to change and be more affectionate with your partner and with the people in your life. The two of us are very affectionate with each other and with other people, especially our family and friends. What we have discovered is that when we are not affectionate with each other or with the people in our lives, it's because of a feeling of disconnection. So what do we do to create connection with each other and become affectionate once again? Here are a few things that work for us... 1. We have it as our intention to regain our connection and have the courage to open to each other. 2. We create a safe atmosphere to listen and talk with one another. We talk about the feelings that are creating the disconnection and come to some kind of resolution. 3. We become playful again with one another. This doesn't have to involve sex (but can). It can involve touching each other, sitting close, holding hands or any number of ways to show our love again. 4. We come to once again appreciate each other and what we each bring to enrich the other's life. If you are wanting to be more affectionate, discover what's holding you back and then take steps to move toward what you want. Remember, affection is really an outpouring of the love and appreciation that a person has for another person and this comes from the inside. Affection can be a simple thing to bring you closer to another person. It's one of the ways we keep our relationship passionate, alive and vibrant. We think affection, if heartfelt, can be a powerful way to make your relationships better too. Asking for What you Want: Why is it so Difficult? Yesterday, Susie took her mother who has Alzhemier's disease to the hospital for an out-patient procedure to be done. They had to wait for 3 hours and to pass the time, they watched the nurses go about their duties and the other patients coming and going. As they laughed and made up stories about the people, Susie noticed an elderly woman being seated in one of the cubicles, waiting her turn to get treated. The woman appeared to be shivering because she only had a short-sleeved shirt on and the temperature in the room was a bit chilly. When a very kind nurse asked the woman if she wanted a blanket, the woman shook her head with a "no" and said that she had left her jacket with her daughter in the waiting area. As we watched this woman, she continued to sit with her arms wrapped around herself, and it appeared that she was very uncomfortable. Susie couldn't help thinking that if the woman had only accepted the warm blanket as her mother had done or if she had gone back out to the waiting area to get her jacket, she would have been so much more comfortable as she waited for her turn to have her procedure done. Although we don't really know why the woman didn't choose to either get her jacket or accept the blanket even though she appeared to be very uncomfortable, we do know that it appeared that she was unwilling to ask for what she wanted and even accept help when it was offered to her. What a relationship lesson this is! Many people fall into the relationship trap of not asking for help, thinking that they can do it all themselves and not allowing themselves to receive. They may have the belief that by not asking others for help, they are creating great relationships. We think the opposite is true! Asking for help when you need it and accepting the help of others actually opens the door to connection and intimacy. Sound strange? Here's why we say this... Nothing quite feels as good as helping other people and being appreciated for the help you give. If you are going through life with the attitude that you can help others but you won't let down your defenses to allow others to help you, you are denying them the opportunity to feel competent and be of service to you. Our relationship works so much better when both of us are willing to ask for help when we need it and ask for what we want--when neither one of us either tries to "fix" the other when they haven't asked or have the attitude that we can do it all by ourselves with no help from the other person. Here are some suggestions that have worked for us in asking for what we want: 1. First, find out what you want and need and believe that it is possible to ask and receive it. So many people don't know what they want and even if they do, they don't believe that anyone will give it to them. You have to believe that it's possible to receive the help or whatever you want. 2. Ask in such a way that the other person can hear the request. Tell the other person what you are feeling and why this is important to you. Choose a time when the person will listen to you without distractions or ask for that time. Make your request about what you need and why you need it. 3. Give a clear request. Often, people take a round about way to ask for what they want. At our son's band banquet the other day, we sat across from a couple who were talking about their high school aged son. We heard the boy's mother tell his father that when their son was talking about a fund-raising event that was going to take place the next week, the boy was really hinting that the father participate with him. She said that the boy seemed to be afraid to ask his father outright. Asking for what you want is the ONLY way you'll ever have what you want in any area of your life. We're suggesting that asking very clearly for what you want will create better relationships and as the saying goes-- you'll never know until you ask. When you ask for what you want--who knows? You might even get it! An Unhealthy Belief Many People Have About Relationships Here's an interesting question... In order to create the best relationships possible for you--when are the best times to learn more about how to have a great relationship? We hate to admit it but when we first started our relationship coaching practice and started working with individuals and couples to help them create better relationships, we thought everyone knew the answer to this question. There are basically only two times that you would want to start learning more about relationships if you want an outstanding relationship. The answer to when these two times are may surprise you when we tell you all about them in just a moment. Recently, we received an email message from a person that was really interesting. She told us that she no longer needed the information we were sending her because she was now divorced. In other words, she was no longer interested in learning more about how to have a great relationship...because she believed that she wasn't in one. Notice that her reason she didn't want any more articles from us wasn't because she didn't like the content in our newsletter, she didn't like our opinion about certain topics or anything like that. She didn't want information about relationship because she was getting a divorce and felt that because she was no longer "in a relationship." This is at best a cop-out because unless we are hermits and never come in contact with another human being, we are ALL in relationship all the time. We don't believe that you have to (or would want to) wait until you are "in a relationship" to start learning about how to start improving your relationships. The time to learn about how to have great relationships is right now. This is because even if we are not in an intimate relationship with anyone at the moment, we are all in relationships all the time--with co-workers--friends--family members and even the clerk at your local convenience store. In our opinion, there is no separation between all the parts of your life. We believe that the "rules" for how to have great relationships don't change no matter what kind of relationship you are talking about. For example, one of the real keys to a great relationship is emotional awareness. That means that you are aware of how you are feeling. That means that when you are tired and irritated, you don't take your day's frustrations out on the people you come in contact with. Instead, you take the time to go within to discover the source of your irritation. One of the keys to making any change or improvement in your life is awareness. Most of us don't take the time to go within and discover how we feel about most situations. It's only when you go within that you can get to the source of your irritation or uneasiness. Sometimes, one of us will say to the other, "I'm feeling irritated right now but I don't know where it's coming from." When this happens, if we want to stay connected in our relationship, we have to go within by simply sitting in a quiet space and breathing or taking a walk by ourselves to determine what the source of this upset is. It will most likely have nothing to do with what the other person has said or done. But if our feelings go unspoken, distance will be created. If the feelings go unspoken, then we may start making assumptions about the possible reasons for the irritation that have nothing to do with reality. In order for a relationship to work at its best, both people have to be emotionally aware of their feelings and be willing to communicate openly and honestly. What we've found is that we can take this principle and carry it to all of our relationships including the ones at work and our relationships with the people in our extended families. So, the point is, you can use the principles of creating outstanding relationships in all relationships. One of the reasons we have such a great relationship is that we are constantly learning about how to improve ours. And this learning carries over into all our relationships. We suggest that if you want a great relationship, that you make the decision to never stop learning about them. It's no different than anything else that you want to succeed at. You have to continually keep learning and growing. So, what about the two best times to learn about how to create a great relationship? These two times are... when you're not in a relationship and also when you are in one. There's no mystery to it. If you want to have a great relationship, continuously study and learn how to do it differently and this includes both when you're in an intimate relationship and when you're not. The only way you can get better at anything (including relationships) is to change your beliefs about what is possible and to change your strategies to what will bring you the best results. When it comes to relationships, what we are continuing to discover every day is that no matter what your relationship is like now, it can always be better. We think we have a great relationship. We're also doing things every day to make it even better. We're guessing that there are new things and new ways you could make some shifts in your relationships and life as well. Are Friendships Like These Good or Bad? Here's an interesting question that one of the subscribers to this newsletter asked us recently... This is one of the biggest challenges that many couples face and can the lines get fuzzy really quick on this one! Are friendships with people of the opposite sex appropriate if you are in a committed relationship? Here are a few of our thoughts about this question... Whether it's a friendship with a co-worker, an ex-spouse, ex-lover, or even the woman or man at the gym or club--jealousy can rear its ugly head and threaten to destroy an otherwise "good" relationship when a friendship is felt to be inappropriate by one of the partners.