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What if you love each other but you don't
know how to
Question from a Reader: "How do you create
loving and open connection and communication
everyday, when both partners love each other very
much but don't know how to go about it and are
fearful to communicate and be loving?"
Our Comments:: Here are a couple of
things we know about creating loving and open
communication and connection...
- It doesn't happen in one fell-swoop or
overnight
- It requires that at least one of you makes
the decision to move past fear and break out of
old patterns
With that being said, here are a few tips:
1. Identify your complaints and what you want
to be different. Write down what your specific
complaints are about your situation and how you'd
like it to be. Until you're clear about where you
are and where you'd like to be going, you're not
going to be able to get there.
It's like telling your GPS that you'd like to go
"somewhere" without having a specific destination
in mind if you don't get specific.
What is it that separates you and tears you
further apart?
Be specific about the thoughts, actions, and
words, not only from your partner but also that you
say and do.
It's human nature to look outward toward someone
else as being THE fault but we challenge you to
also look at how you may have contributed.
Then ask what does being "loving" mean to you?
What does it mean to your partner?
Does it mean being kind to each other even when
it's difficult?
Does it mean more physical touch?
Ask yourself the same question about
communication and be specific how you'd like to be
able to communicate and be heard.
2. Recognize how you and your partner shut
down to one another and then learn how to open.
You mention the "f" word--fear.
It's been said that fear is just "false evidence
appearing real."
Write down all of your fears that are keeping
the two of you separated and put a checkmark beside
the ones that you know to be absolutely true and
happening at this moment.
Chances are you don't have very many checkmarks
because if you're like most people, when you're
fearful, you're either reliving the past or
worrying about a future that hasn't happened.
You're not living in this present moment and
what's happening right now.
So figure out what thoughts are shutting you
down from each other and whether there is any truth
to them or not.
Even if there's some truth to your fears, you
don't have to let them keep you from communicating
in a loving way with each other.
But you first have to learn how to open your
hearts to each other, even when it's difficult.
Opening your heart means feeling inside you and
knowing that you love this person.
Opening your heart means that you are choosing
to go toward what you want instead of away from
what you want.
Opening your heart means stopping your habitual
reactions, breathing and pulling your focus away
from your mind chatter to your heart area.
Opening your heart doesn't mean that you have no
boundaries but it does mean that you want to
understand.
Opening your heart is probably the most
important shift you'll need to make to create open
connection and communication.
And it only takes one person to open and to stop
the pattern that the two of you normally
follow.
3. Make a commitment to changing and make
agreements that support your commitment. Talk
together and see if you both are willing to make
the commitment to changing some things about how
you are with each other.
If you can make a commitment and some
agreements, that's great.
You might make the agreement to sit and be
together doing something that you used to
enjoy.
You might make the agreement to be kinder to
each other, spelling out exactly what that
means.
If you can't get a commitment or agreements from
your partner, go ahead and make them yourself.
Even one person changing can change the dynamic
in a relationship.
Will that relationship be everything the person
wants if he or she is the only one actively
changing?
Maybe or maybe not...
In any case, you have nothing to lose unless you
want to stay stuck in your relationship as you
are.
A loving connection and communication is created
one moment at a time--and that's no lie!
Take this moment right now to start yours!
Talk to you again soon...
Our best,
©2010, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
Their new E-book Should You Stay or Should You
Go? has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
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