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Counter-intuitive Ways to Fix Jealousy, Trust
and Communication Issues
Here's a crazy little thought about
relationships...It's so true AND...
We've talked about this idea a lot to our
relationship breakthrough coaching clients and it's
made a big difference for them in their lives and
relationships once they really "got it."...
So, what's this crazy little relationship idea
that may not be so crazy after all?
it's this...
Almost everything you could (or would want to )
do to shift, change or improve your relationship,
or marriage--as well as all your other
relationships-- is... well...
"Counter-intuitive"
What this means to you is this...
What works best in relationships and what works
to truly create closer and more heart-centered
connections with our intimate partners and other
people in our lives doesn't always seem like it is
the "normal and natural" thing to do.
What we've found in working with our clients is
that once you start doing some of these things that
are "counter-intuitive" and "different" from what
you would normally do in situations--the results in
your relationships and life are usually so
positively profound and noticeable that there's
usually no going back.
Here's an example of one thing that usually
happens when challenges like jealousy, trust or
communication come up...
It's the act of "closing or shutting down"...
Whether you're jealous, have trust or
communication issues, this is a response that many
people choose (either consciously or unconsciously)
when these challenges come up.
You might do this because you fear that if you
don't "shut down," you'll feel or experience more
emotional pain or intense feelings than you can
deal with. ?
What happens is that you close down to the
other person--and it might mean a lot of
things.
Things like withdrawing love or attention,
holding back part of yourself from the other person
and even physically withdrawing.
Now closing down is certainly a normal reflex
that many of us do when we feel threatened,
misunderstood, or not loved.
It's just a way we learned, probably
unconsciously and early on, to protect ourselves
from pain--emotional or even physical pain. And
closing down probably even served us at various
times in our lives.
While closing down to another person may be the
best thing for our well-being in certain
situations, it doesn't serve us if we want to stay
in the relationship and make it better.
When you close down, you shut the door on
communicating and understanding one another.
If you want to get the solution to one way we
ruin communication and connection with each
other... you need to check this out:
So if closing down shuts the door and keeps you
separate...then opening sets the stage for greater
connection and a better relationship.
Easier said than done--right?
Here are a few of those tips and ideas we will
share with you...
- Openness or opening to another person
doesn't mean that you agree with or condone the
other person's behavior or even your own.
- It doesn't mean forgiveness--although
openness is often a by-product of going through
the forgiveness process and it's also easier to
be more open once you have forgiven.
- Openness doesn't mean that you've given in
or given up your power or respect in this
situation.
So if it isn't those things, what IS it?
- Being open means setting aside your emotions
(not allowing yourself to be ruled by them) and
just listening from an objective place.
- Being open means you are seeking information
and that you still have choice.
- Being open means allowing for the
possibility ofunderstanding one another.
What do you have to do to begin opening to your
partner--even in tough situations like jealousy,
mistrust or a communication stalemate?
You have to decide that holding back part of
yourselfisn't getting you what you want and start
making conscious choices about how you want to be
in your relationship.
That may include figuring out what you want and
setting boundaries if the other person is violating
agreements that the two of you have--and sticking
to them.
That's a big statement, isn't it?
You have to realize that it takes a tremendous
amount of energy to withdraw, separate and hold on
to pain. With the same amount of energy, you can
open your heart to at least listen to try to
understand the other person--and to try to find a
place that you both can agree.
You may feel hurt by the other person--or even
by someone you have been in relationship with in
the past and you are carrying that hurt around with
you every day like a ton of boulders around your
neck.
This isn't healthy for you and it isn't healthy
for your relationship.
Here are some ways to lighten your load by
opening instead of closing?
1. It starts with loving yourself and believing
in who you are. If your self esteem seems like it's
non-existent, start noticing things that you do
like about yourself.
2. Lighten up your thoughts about yourself. If
all you are doing is tearing yourself down in your
mind, it's no surprise that other people may not
value you the way you think they should. Change
your thoughts about yourself to better ones.
3. Lighten up your thoughts about the other
person. Remember why you love this person and don't
constantly repeat in yourmind what you don't love
about him or her.
4. Know that you have choice. It may not seem
that you have choice about your situation but you
actually do.
5. Shift your attention to your heart as you
listen to theother person and if your mind starts
churning, bring your attention south. Find a place
inside you where you know that you have choice and
you are just listening to try to understand.
6. If you need to set healthy boundaries with
this person, do so from a place of loving inside
yourself--and from a place of knowing what you will
and will not stand for.
One other way you can get yourself and your
partner to draw closer to each other and open more
is by asking each other the right kinds of
questions.
The kind of questions we're talking about here
are ones that start deep meaningful conversations
and help you get to know each other deeper and
enjoy a richer and more loving connection no matter
how long you've been together.
Michael Webb has a created 1000 of these
questions that are designed to open you and your
partner to each other more.
We know that it takes courage to open. One of
the best ways to find the courage to be open, even
when it's scary to do so is to consider the
alternative.
Consider what your relationship is like now and
that it could and probably will deteriorate if you
don't at least attempt to open.
You can certainly go through life defended and
closed or you can gather up your courage and
self-confidence and open to something really good
happening.
The choice is yours.
We wish you all the best.
©2009, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
 Their
new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go?
has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
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