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Is It Brains, Beauty (or Something
Else...?
Here's what we want you to do...
Imagine just for a moment that you are the
contestant in a new TV game show about
relationships and we'll be the hosts...
Since you've decided to play along, here's our
question for you...
What do you think is the single most important
feature desired in a s*e*x*u*a*l or Intimate
partner by BOTH men and women?
Is it...
- Beauty?
- Intelligence?
- Status?
Or Something else?
Beauty is a good answer because after all, we
ALL want an attractive or good-looking partner,
don't we?
Intelligence is a good answer because who
doesn't want a partner who is smart, can figure
things out and have the intelligence to work with
you to create the best life possible for the two of
you (and your family, if you have kids.)
Some people might also think status is the most
important feature in attracting a relationship
partner or in the one you have.
After all, isn't the success you have in life
and the future you create for yourself and your
family affected greatly by status?
Of course it is...
But when it comes to the #1 single most
important feature in a relationship, there is one
thing that trumps, beauty, brains, social status
and everything else in the desirability area of
relationships and attraction.
So, what is it that trumps all the things we
just mentioned?
The answer may surprise you...
It certainly surprised us when we first read
about this study about what people (and couples)
want in relationships...
And it just might have a huge impact on your
relationship or your future relationship!
The answer is...(Drum Roll Please) ...
Kindness.
That's right.
In researcher David Buss's study of global
s*e*x*u*a*l preferences he found that "kindness"
was the single most important feature desired by
both men and women in every one of the 37 cultures
he studied.
Kindness ranked above intelligence, above
beauty, and above status.
When we think about kindness, we don't mean just
being nice--or what Susie's long-time friend's
mother always used to tell her daughter--"Be
pleasant, Melissa."
There are pitfalls in "being nice" and "being
pleasant" when there are strong emotions that are
being pushed down and not expressed.
You can wear a veneer of "niceness" and
"pleasantness" that usually doesn't fool
anyone--and usually catches up with you.
If you're pushing down feelings of anger to not
"rock the boat" and keep your relationship on an
even keel, it's inevitable that they come out in
other ways...
Maybe impatience with your kids or your
co-workers or maybe distance and separation from
your partner.
So when we talk about kindness, it's not
that.
If both men and women from all around the world
rank kindness as the most desired attribute in an
intimate partner, what does it mean?
While we can't speak for those people in the
study, we can speak from the experience of our own
partnership and the experiences of the people we
encounter in our Breakthrough Coaching
practice.
Here are a few examples of what we mean by
"kindness"--to yourself and to others...
1. Learning how to speak your truth in a way
that your partner can hear--without blame but
rather from a place inside you that is the core of
who you are.
If you learn this skill, you bypass the
incessant stories that are make up and assumptions
that are created that lead to misunderstandings and
distance.
When you withhold your truth, you are really
withdrawing and shutting down who you really are
from your partner.
When you express your truth from a place inside
you that is real, it doesn't have to be done in
anger--as it usually is if you think you can't get
your way otherwise.
When you learn how to speak from the certainty
of that core place inside you, it can be from
kindness even though it might be a subject that
used to cause contention.
2. Looking at your patterns to see where you
might be kinder to your partner.
When you are with your partner for many years,
the tendency is to take him or her for granted.
And the first thing that goes when that happens
is simple kindness.
Ask yourself how you greet your partner when he
or she comes home in the evening--or you come
home.
Do you not even make eye contact but immediately
launch into what has to be done that
evening--dinner, cart the kids to practices,
grocery shop, problems at work?
If you have fallen into this trap, climb out now
and start looking up from what you are doing when
your partner enters the room or comes in the
door--or you come in the door.
Feel inside yourself for the feeling of gladness
to see him or her--no matter what happened in your
day--and express it in your way.
This is kindness.
When the two of us were together for awhile,
Susie started falling into the habit of treating
Otto like she had treated her ex-husband.
As she talked to him, she would continue
whatever she was doing--not giving him her full
attention.
When he pointed out what she was doing, we made
some agreements that we've kept since that
time.
We greet each other--verbally and
physically--when one of us returns home-- and when
we talk to one another, we give the conversation
our full attention.
Sometimes we're better at it than others but
that piece of kindness and respect does a lot to
keep our love and connection alive and growing.
3. Remembering why you love your partner, even
when it's tough.
So often we hear from people who live in
relationships that are anything but kind.
These people describe unjust treatment but also
say they love each other.
This isn't love.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is
not put up with mistreatment.
Sometimes love is remembering why the two of you
love each other and then acting from that
place.
Kindness to us is a starting place and an
important ingredient in building and rebuilding
trust and connection.
It doesn't mean giving over your power.
In fact, it means just the opposite.
Our wish for you is that you experience and give
kindness in a new way to strengthen your trust and
love for each other.
Talk to you again soon...
Our best,
©2009, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
 Their
new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go?
has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
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