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4 Ways To Fall In Love Again ... (Without
Getting a New Partner)
Most of us remember that incredibly blissful
feeling of being "in love" at least once in our
lives.
You couldn't breathe, you couldn't concentrate
and all you wanted to do was to be with your
beloved, basking in that delicious magnetic pull
toward each other.
You couldn't get enough of one another.
You felt like it was "right" and you were
"home."
Now we know that it's not realistic (or even
desirable) to go through life like this--feeling so
ungrounded, scattered and unfocused all the time
that you can't get much done.
What happens for most couples is...
For some mysterious reason in the process of
"settling down", we lose all or most of this
excitement and powerful feelings of love and
attraction we felt for one another.
We settle into comfort and routine and those
intense feelings get so watered down that we have
trouble finding them.
...And that's where somewhere along the line
they lost the passion, spark and desire that they
once had.
It all sort of fades away and they ended up
wondering "what just happened?"
We've discovered that it doesn't have to be this
way...
While you probably don't want those exact
feelings you had when you were first in love (we
don't), but what you may want is a more seasoned
hybrid of it.
In other words, you may want a little more spark
than what you have now without all the drama and
intensity that's over the edge.
The good news is that you don't have to get
divorced or go find a new partner to find it.
Here are 4 ways that we and other couples use to
fall in love over and over again with each
other..
1. Go on a no-criticism diet. If there's
one thing people tell us that kills love and
passion, it's constant criticism, even in your
mind.
Criticism is one of those habits that we learn
from our early care-givers and others--and we keep
on doing it sometimes in the guise of "helping" our
loved one become a "better" person.
Criticizing another person also might help us
feel superior or better than someone else--for a
moment at least--even though we may not be aware
that that's why we're doing it.
The only thing criticism actually does is let
that other person know that you don't think they're
okay the way they are.
And that pushes the two of you away from one
another and certainly kills passion.
If you can recognize that criticism is an
unhealthy pattern in your relationship, put an end
to it.
If one person is doing it, both of you are
probably guilty of it.
So start with you and pay attention to where you
are automatically thinking or saying that your
partner is wrong.
And then stop--and suggest that maybe the two of
you could take the no- criticism challenge
together.
Substitute something you like about him or her
in place of the criticism you have.
For example--
Your thought--"Why doesn't he/she ever close the
cabinet door?"
Your substitution--"I like the way he/she sat
next to me on the couch last night when we were
watching one of my favorite shows on TV."
Of course there are times when you do need to
talk about things that are bothering you and give
healthy feedback.
We're not saying that that never happens...
What we're saying is to monitor your thoughts
and what you say for even one day to see where you
are focusing on what you don't want rather than
what you do want.
2. Get curious about your partner. In
order to fall in love again, you have to look with
new eyes at your partner and at your
relationship.
This might take some doing if you've been hurt
in the past but if both of you want to recapture
what you had, you'll need to wipe out your
preconceived ideas about him or her.
We all change in every moment and we might think
we know what our partner's thinking and feeling but
we really don't.
Instead of making up stories about what we think
is going on with our partner, be open to listening
from a very different perspective.
It's a perspective that says we really don't
know what our partner is thinking or feeling and
that we're open to finding out--without getting
defensive..
One of the "magic words" that we use a lot to
open both of us to listening more deeply and
lovingly to each other is this phrase...
"Tell me more about that..."
Instead of jumping in and taking over the
conversation with something that was our
experience, when we use this phrase, we're saying
to the other person that "You are important and I
want to know more about what you're thinking and
feeling."
3. Fall in love with yourself. The old
adage is true--you can't love another until you
love yourself.
If you're constantly thinking you're not worth
loving, then these thoughts put up walls between
you and others.
We're just not open to fully loving others when
we're overly self-critical.
So instead of thinking that it's a lost cause
because you have so many faults and shortcomings
(we all feel a little of this)...
Start finding ways to love yourself.
Remember what we said about going on a
no-criticism diet?
Well that goes for criticizing yourself too.
Most of us feel like we are our own worst
critic.
While it's certainly healthy to see what you may
be doing that hurts another person or yourself and
then make changes that would make your life
better...
It's not healthy to have a string of constant
criticism that says "You're stupid," "You'll never
succeed," "You can do anything right," or whatever
it is that you tell yourself.
Start monitoring your mind to find out what you
say to yourself about you.
If you're constantly putting yourself down, tell
yourself something that is true about yourself and
will take you in the direction you want to go.
Do something nice for yourself every
day--something pleasurable-- and really bask in the
pleasure of it.
That's loving yourself.
And it's true...
When you can love yourself more, you open the
door for others to love you more.
4. Open yourself to finding a common passion
together and do things that take you beyond what
may be comfortable for you. We can get in a rut
and when we do, all passion withers and
dies--whether it's in the bedroom, our work or in
other areas of our lives.
If you want more passion, you have to prime the
pump.
You have to find some new ways to
connect--possibly the way you used to when you were
first together.
It might also be some new ways that possibly
could stretch your comfort level.
The other day the two of us explored a new area
of the bike path that's near our house.
Now we love to bike together so that wasn't new
but that day we rode further than we had
before--spending the afternoon enjoying each other
and the day.
The ride turned out to be really fun for the two
of us but we may not have done it if we had planned
to ride for 14 miles that day.
It was a little out of our comfort level and a
little different from our regular rides.
The point is to find some things that you like
to do together and be open to some surprises.
You can fall in love again.
It may not happen overnight but it can happen.
We've seen it happen.
But it won't unless you take that first step
toward it.
©2010, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
Their new E-book Should You Stay or Should You
Go? has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
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