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Have you ever compared yourself to another
person?
If you're human--and honest--you probably answered
"yes."
The truth is that we all have compared ourselves
to others--in lesser or greater degrees at sometime
in our lives.
Comparing ourselves to another seems to be part
of the human experience--usually not the most
desirable part.
Our comparisons are usually to help us feel
superior to someone else or inferior--although much
is done on an unconscious level.
When there are relationship challenges like
jealousy and trust issues, comparisons to others
usually end up making us feel less than and not
enough--and even though we know they don't
help.
We can't seem to stop doing them.
Today, we received a message from a woman who
thanked us for our advice and told us that her
relationship is "stronger and they are more open
and honest with each other" because of it.
The problem is--Even though her partner is no
longer in contact with his ex's, she finds that she
compares herself to them anyway.
She makes herself miserable and she can't stop,
even though she knows that it's not healthy for her
relationship.
This "comparison disease" that she suffers from
is certainly not unique to her or to her
situation.
We're guessing that you can identify to a
certain extent (we all can) to what she's
feeling.
So, how can you stop?
We love Dr. Wayne Dyer's new book "Excuses
Begone!" where he talks about how to change
lifelong, self-defeating thinking habits.
We think that contracting the "comparison
disease" may fall into the category of an excuse
and here's why...
In saying this, we're certainly NOT belittling
this woman's problem or making her wrong.
We've certainly had some self-defeating thinking
habits and continue to do it from time to
time--that would fall under the category of
"excuses."
Here's our take on it...
When you are comparing yourself to others and
always come up short, you are focusing outside
yourself and what you are NOT instead of what you
can be.
We use phrases like these to keep us from what
we want:
- "I'm not as pretty (or good-looking)
as..."
- "I'm not as smart as..."
- "I'm not as young as..."
- "I'm not as thin as..."
- "I don't make as much money as..."
This type of thinking is an "excuse." It's a way
to stay small and not take risks.
Comparisons like these are also great ways to
end up being like or having the negative experience
that you fear or doubt.
Now of course, much of this mental gymnastics
that goes on when we're comparing ourselves to
others is unconscious and from habit.
For example:
When the two of us first got together, our age
difference caught us up in the "comparison
disease."
Since Susie is 16 years older than Otto, she
compared herself to women his age and of course,
came up short in her mind.
Otto started thinking about the future,
comparing the then present to 20 years down the
road--what our relationship (and bodies) might look
like when Susie is in her 70's and he, in his
50's.
We realized that we had to both stop making
these comparisons if we wanted to create the kind
of relationship that we wanted to create.
If we hadn't stopped, our relationship wouldn't
have had a chance to grow and go on to be as
incredible as it is now.
So...
How do you stop making these comparisons that so
often work to your disadvantage in creating the
relationships and life you want?
Here are a few ideas...
1. Become aware that you are doing it.
Awareness is the first step in making any change.
Believe it or not, your comparisons start losing
their power over you when you start noticing them
when they come up.
Notice them from an objective place.
You can even say something like this to
yourself--"Isn't that interesting? I'm comparing
myself to my partner's ex and he's not even in
contact with her."
It's like you're talking to yourself but instead
of agreeing with your fears, you're actually just
stating a fact.
2. Choose love not fear. Even though you
may not realize it and it may even sound silly, it
might be out of your comfort level to commit to
creating a close, connected loving
relationship--one without drama and pain.
In the beginning of our relationship, it was far
easier for Susie to believe that Otto would leave
her for someone younger than to go for what she
wanted--and create it with him.
In other words, fear got in her way.
But in our case, we chose to risk going for
it--going for love--and you can too.
3. Stay in the present moment--not the past
or the future. We've said this many times--the
present moment is all we have.
If you really stopped to think about it, most of
your pain (and ours as well) is the result of
living in the past or the future.
When your thoughts lapse into worrying about
what happened in the past--maybe about your
partner's ex's--or fear of what might happen in the
future, bring yourself gently back to the present
moment.
You can remind yourself by grounding yourself
and saying something like this...
"It's 3pm, Friday afternoon, I'm sitting in my
office and I have work in front of me."
or
"I'm sitting in front of my partner and we're
having a good time right now."
Getting over the "Comparison Disease" involves
focusing on you and your thoughts.
When you find that you are tempted to compare
yourself unfavorably to others, stop
yourself--focus instead on what's in front of you
in this present moment and on love, not fear.
To change any habitual thought, it takes one
moment at a time.
Be kind to yourself.
Our best,
©2009, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
 Their
new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go?
has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
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