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What To Do When A Strong Issue Becomes
Divisive?
This week's article is about a controversial
topic--so brace yourself.
It is a deeper answer to an email we received
recently from a woman who was struggling to make
the "right" decision about something her husband
wanted her to do that she didn't want to do.
Please know that we are not approving of what
her husband wanted her to do or making him right in
our answer. We are simply using this polarizing
issue to illustrate something very important in
creating closer and more loving relationships.
A few days ago we received a question from a
woman that reminded us of a big chance at "fame"
that we passed up a year or so ago when we were
asked to be on a TV show called "Wife Swap."
If you're not familiar with the show, "Wife
Swap" is an unscripted reality TV show that airs
weekly on the ABC Television Network where each
week from across the country, two families with
very different values are chosen to take part in a
two-week long challenge. The wives from these two
families exchange husbands, children and lives (but
not bedrooms) to discover just what it's like to
live another woman's life.
As you can imagine, it didn't take us long to
decline their offer because it simply isn't in
alignment with what we are all about or want for
our lives and our relationship.
Which brings us back to this woman's question...
She wrote that her husband says that he still
loves her but wants to do "wife swapping." She
doesn't want to and is feeling a great deal of
pressure from him to do it. He told her that she
has "issues" about the topic that he doesn't.
She said that she feels that she's not
enough.
Her question to us--which is one that we receive
every day from people about all sorts of topics--is
this...
"Am I right to feel the way I do?"
Whether the relationship challenge is about wife
swapping, jealousy over someone at work, helping
with child care, housework, or any other conflict,
the nagging question that many people have is the
one this woman had. It just manifests itself in
different forms for different people and with
different issues.
So with that in mind, we'll answer her question
"Am I right to feel the way I do?" in this
way...
In our opinion, one of the biggest relationship
questions we should all be asking ourselves (and
our partner) all the time is-- "Will this (whatever
the "this" is AND it could be anything) move us
closer together or move us further apart?
We've found that what everyone really wants in
relationship is connection. You can call it many
names and it can manifest in different ways but we
all crave connection.
That being said, in our relationship the two of
us are always looking at how we are together and
what requests we make of each other through the
filter of this question...
"Will this make our relationship stronger or
will it move us further apart."
Since our love and connection is the most
important thing in the world to us, then we only
want to do things that bring us closer
together.
In this woman's situation, it's not really about
her "issues" about wife swapping that keep her from
wanting to participate. In our opinion, it's really
about what's good for the growth of their
relationship. It's about whether he's feeling into
her and seeing whether what he's suggesting will
serve her and their relationship or not.
Just for the purpose of this moment... set aside
any personal, religious or social judgments you
might have about whether this situation is right or
wrong and consider this...
If the husband wants to do wife swapping and she
doesn't, it's pretty clear that it won't serve
their relationship.
If he still insists on doing it after talking
with her and finding out "she's not interested," it
is more for his own gratification, pleasure and
desire for the next big adventure than it is about
what will bring the two of them closer
together.
In situations like these where there's a big
emotional charge and one person is made to feel
"less than" because he or she won't go along with
the other one's desires or ideas, here are a few of
our suggestions...
1. Both people need to pay attention to and not
dismiss their feelings, attitudes, values and
desires. Does that mean that you can't expand or
change? Certainly not, but it does mean that if
something feels "right" or "wrong" to you, you need
to pay attention.
2. Listen to each other with an open heart. Find
out why you each feel the way you do. In this
woman's case, find out what it is about doing the
swapping that appeals to her husband. What is it
about this that appeals and excites him? Approach
this from a place of genuine curiosity and then see
what he shares with you.
Is this easy? Of course not. But if you want to
keep a relationship together or at least give it a
chance when challenges like this happen, this is a
crucial step.
3. If the answer is something like he's only
trying to add some new excitement because he's
bored (or some similar reason), you have an
opportunity to openly and honestly talk about how
you can bring more excitement into the relationship
without doing something that will weaken or destroy
the relationship, your connection and go against
your values.
4. If the he/she insists on doing whatever is
the challenge and it feels detrimental to the
health of the relationship, the other partner needs
to practice setting and keeping boundaries.
As for feeling that you are not enough...
If this is your challenge, make the decision to
act like you are enough.
Not feeling like you are enough is just one or
more of those old (or current) programs that you
continue replaying in your head. Make a different
program that says you are enough.
One thing you can count on is this-- when you
believe and act like you are enough, that's the way
other people will treat you.
These kinds of challenges can wake up a marriage
or relationship--or can separate the people in
them.
How you move through them and how open you are
to yourself and to each other determines the future
health and vitality of the relationship.
©2007, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
 Their
new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go?
has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
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