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How To Relax and Let Go Of
Constrictions and Restrictions That Keep Us From
Having The Love We Want
If you've been getting our articles for any length
of time at all, then you know by now that we can
find a love and relationship lesson in almost
anything and here's a perfect example of
that...
Otto's foot has been hurting him really badly
for the past week. He had no idea why and since
we've been packing and gearing up for our move this
coming weekend, he certainly wanted to resolve this
problem as quickly as possible. He knew that he
needed to do everything he could to make our move
"pain-free" for him.
Today, he realized the reason for his pain and
it was something so simple that he just had to
laugh at himself...
He had been tying his shoe strings very tightly
and when he relaxed this constriction, his feet
began to feel a lot better. The pain is gone and
now he's ready to start moving boxes and
furniture!
Think about this simple, embarrassing example of
Otto causing himself intense foot pain by tying his
shoes too tightly and ask yourself ...
How often do you do something similar to this in
your relationships?
How often do you create constriction and
restriction in your life and relationships by your
negative thoughts, assumptions, "stories" you tell
yourself about someone else's motivations,
criticism, judgments and any number of other
ways?
What if we rephrase the question to ask...
How often do you create constriction within
yourself that keeps the love, passion and
connection that we say we want at a distance?
The reality is that we create constriction and
restriction with ourselves and others much more
than we realize.
Imagine what our lives and relationships would
be like if we gave ourselves permission to relax
judgments of ourselves and others, as well as other
things that keep us separated from others.
If there's one idea that we've learned and
re-learned is that we and we alone are responsible
for our own happiness, pain, challenges and
creating restriction in our relationships.
If this is true (and we're sure that it is), we
can always make a different choice in every single
moment .
That different choice can mean relaxing our
strangle- hold on ourselves, a situation or another
person by using some or all of these ideas:
1. Look at "what is" instead of wishing
something, someone or some situation is different.
So often people try to "force" another person to
think like they think or act in a certain way. This
usually causes a great deal of restriction in the
relationship and one or both people can shut
themselves off emotionally because of it.
Looking at "what is" can help us to see the
situation or relationship as it really is and
soften or relax expectations.
2. Open to your emotional truth--your own as
well as to another person's truth. There might be
some feelings that you've been pushing down and not
willing to face. Although this can seem like an
oxymoron at the time, taking a look at what is real
for you and allowing the other person to tell what
is real for him or her can certainly lead to a
softening and more relaxation between the two of
you.
3. Choose to focus on what you want rather than
what is missing. This may sound contradictory to #1
but it really isn't. If you are feeling restriction
in a relationship and you just can't seem to
connect with that person, begin to notice
connections with other people in your life.
These connections can be a smile, making eye
contact, or even a kind word with someone you meet.
Notice what feels good about these connections with
others and then start making more connections so
that you begin to focus on what you want more of
rather than what you don't want.
So this week, we invite you to look at how and
with whom you feel constriction in your life. We
all do from time to time because unfortunately (or
fortunately) that constriction often spurs us to
grow into being better people, healing our pasts,
and creating more love in our lives.
We invite you to choose not stay stuck in
restriction but learn and grow from it.
When you relax into love your relationships and
life will be much more connected than when you
don't.
3 Relationship Ideas For
Keeping Your Relationship Alive, Connected and
Growing
This week we've got a great relationship question
for you...
"What approach or philosophy about relationships
or marriage would create the highest short- and
long-term payoff in your life?"
In other words, what would be the best thing you
could start doing or start doing more of to create
more love and connection (or anything else) in your
life?
With this in mind, we challenge you right now to
think of a relationship that you want to make
better...
It could be your relationship with a spouse, a
child, a co-worker, a friend, an acquaintance--you
get the idea.
Now, think about how you'd like this
relationship to be more of the time.
Maybe you want communication to be better
between the two of you. Maybe you want more honesty
or more openness. Maybe you want to be "you" more
of the time and for some reason you aren't able to
be "you" in this relationship.
To show you what we mean, we're going to talk
about 3 approaches or philosophies that we use in
our relationship that keep it alive, connected and
growing.
While these ideas are not in any particular
order and certainly aren't the only ones we use to
create the close, connected relationship we have,
they are applicable for any type of
relationship.
We offer them to you here as examples of how you
can make some simple shifts to create stronger,
more loving relationships.
Don't discount their simplicity, because their
simplicity is part of their power to create the
kind of relationships you probably want more
of...
Idea or Approach # 1 Honesty
You may think that honesty as a "philosophy" is
something that is a "given" in relationships and
pretty obvious. But in many relationships, it
isn't.
Even though there may be a lot of love in the
relationship, one person may not feel safe being
honest and may not trust that he/she will be fully
understood. So there's a lot that isn't said and a
lot that is assumed. When there are assumptions,
resentments usually follow.
Emotional honesty is sometimes the most
difficult kind of honesty to deal with. But what
we've discovered is that when we know what we are
feeling, we are better able to interact with others
and each other from a place of love and connection.
When we are not trying to hide our feelings from
ourselves or others, we are better able to move
through difficulties.
Committing to emotional honesty, first with
yourself, is a very positive step toward creating
your life and relationships the way you want.
Next...
#2 Willingness to Open to Each Other
The degree that you are able to open yourself to
another is the degree of safety and trust that the
two of you have between you. A man we know told us
that he had noticed that his teenage son was
starting to share with him his hopes, dreams,
conflicts and much more.
When we asked him what had changed between him
and his son, he said that he had quit trying to
"fix" it for his son and instead, he has learned to
simply listen to him. The two of them are much more
willing to open to one another because there is a
new-found trust between them. There's also much
more ease and flow in their relationship.
In every relationship, we can choose to open a
little deeper to one another to allow more trust,
love and connection.
How can you open more?
This is the third idea we'll share with
you...
#3 Always Have And Keep A Commitment to
Connection.
When you commit to connection, you have to
challenge your "stories," your defensiveness, being
right and anything else that separates the two of
you.
Committing to connection means paying attention
when you get triggered and telling yourself
something positive about your relationship or your
true feelings for the person. At these times, it's
also helpful to remind yourself that you have made
the commitment to connecting and keeping that
connection strong.
When the two of us become disconnected for some
reason or another, one of the best ways we use to
regain our connection as quickly as possible is to
simply remember that we've made a commitment to do
so.
Our commitment to connection is important to us
and we think that it's a great way make any
relationship better.
Would a commitment to connection be a positive
step that you could take in your relationship?
Probably so.
What we have discovered is that it takes no more
energy and effort to work through issues, upsets
and challenges than it does to stay upset and keep
yourself distant and disconnected.
So... with our way of looking at it-- if it
requires the same amount of effort to create a
connected relationship as a disconnected one, why
not go ahead and go for the best?
That's what we do and what we recommend you do
as well if you want connection instead of
disconnection more of the time.
Staying Connected
During Changes in Our Lives
If there's one thing that we know from first-hand
experience, it's how challenging it can be to stay
connected during major (or even minor) changes in
our lives.
As you may know from reading past newsletters,
we're in the process of moving from a small town
and house where we have lived for many years to a
larger city about an hour away.
If you've made a move like this yourself, you
know the amount of "stuff" that has accumulated
during those years--and you have to move it, sell
it or give it away.
For us, the challenge has been to find ways to
stay connected through the stress of selling our
house, buying a new one and preparing to move to
our new location.
We know that moving is not the change that can
create challenges for a couple or other members of
your family to stay connected. We'll list just a
few and we're sure you could add many more to
it...
- Birth of a child
- Loss of a job
- New Job
- New Boss
- Child leaving home for college or moving
out
- Financial challenges
- Health challenges
- Death of parent
- Becoming the care-giver for a parent
- Death of a child
And the list could go on and on...
The changes that can challenge your connection
can be major ones or even not-so-major ones.
Believe it or not, even planning and going on a
vacation or the kids starting back to school can
create disconnection!
So how do you keep your connection through
changes, whether big or small, that come up in your
life?
Here are some ways that we've used throughout
our moving process and have helped us...
1. Make your steps clear. Don't assume anything.
Talk with your partner or family member about plans
that you are mentally creating and about your
motivations and reasons for those plans.
We are constantly communicating, from the very
smallest decision like where to store boxes that
have been packed to larger decisions like what
furniture we want to sell, take with us to the new
home or give away.
If you're not constantly communicating your
mental plans and your motivations behind those
plans, it's easy for the two of you to create
situations where you are at odds and there's
disconnection.
2. Make sure that you truly listen to each other
During times of stress and change, it's very easy
to not focus your attention on listening to your
partner or the other person. You might be
distracted or in a hurry and listening simply isn't
a priority.
If you want to keep your connection strong, make
listening to each other a priority. Stop your
busy-ness, take a breath, sit down and talk and
listen. When you do, you'll discover that things
just seem to go more smoothly.
3. Make sure you keep your sense of humor
Keeping a sense of humor can be a challenge in
stressful situations and not usually possible when
going through something like the death of a
child.
What we've discovered is that if we can find
something to laugh at, especially during this move
when contracts have fallen through or closing dates
have been changed, we are better able to keep our
connection strong.
4. Keep Focused on What you Want It's so
tempting when your life gets stressful with lots of
changes to focus on what is being left behind or
what "used to be."
We've kept our connection and regained it when
we've lost it by changing our focus to what we are
going to rather than what we are leaving
behind.
No matter what the changes are in your life, if
you both focus on what you want, you'll be able to
move toward it rather than be holding on to the
past.
There's no doubt about it--the changes that you
go through in your life can play havoc to your
relationship and can create disconnection.
If you are going through any kind of change
right now, we invite you to be proactive in
creating and keeping a strong connection with your
partner or others. If you do, you'll find that you
are better able to see the light at the end of the
tunnel and you might even start enjoying the
process.
Memories, Inspiration
and Allowing Yourself To Shine
You may remember as a child singing the words "This
little light of mine, I'm going to let it
shine."
Recently, we bought Bruce Springsteen's
wonderful album and dvd "Live in Dublin" and one of
the selections in this unique and compelling
collection of folk songs is his version of "This
Little Light of Mine."
Bruce and the Sessions Band sing it this
way...
"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it
shine...everyday, everyday, everyday."
What a simple yet powerful lesson for all of us
to remember to help us create the life and
relationships that we want.
So what does it mean to let your light shine?
And what does it mean to let our light shine in our
relationships?
Does it mean that you have to constantly have a
smile on your face, no matter what's happening in
your life and no matter what's being done to you or
those you love?
We think the idea of letting your life shine is
very personal and unique to each person. It means
that we live our lives from inspiration without
hiding behind fear, mistrust, limitation and our
old negative stories about ourselves and
others.
Dr. Joe Vitale and Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len have
written a wonderful book called "Zero Limits" and
in it, Dr. Len says that in every single moment,
you are living your life from either memory or
inspiration.
In other words, your thoughts and actions
originate either from experiences and fears from
the past or from a place of possibility, openness,
and a knowing that wells up inside you.
The "light" is this inspiration, the place from
which you act from or "shine" as much of the time
as possible.
We'll give you a practical example...
As you may know, we've been in the process of
selling our house and buying another one in a
larger city about an hour from where we live
now.
During this process, we've had plenty of
opportunities to notice whether we were acting from
a place of memory or from inspiration and shining
our light to each other, as well as the rest of the
world.
When we've thought or acted from memory--events
from the past that need to be healed, we haven't
been open to each other and there's been a feeling
of disconnection.
When we've acted from pure inspiration and love,
our connection has felt strong--and we've felt sure
of the steps that we are taking are the right ones
for us at this time.
So how do you live from inspiration and let your
light shine more of the time?
That's certainly a big question. It's one that
we live with every day and here are some ideas
we'll share with you that have helped us to live
from inspiration more of the time.
We think they could help you as well...
1. If you feel an uneasiness come up inside you
or you are triggered by what someone else is doing
or saying, stop yourself before you react from
"memory" or the way you've always reacted
before.
Feel what's coming up inside you. You might know
where these feelings are coming from and you might
not be able to identify a memory or reason for your
feeling or reaction.
Does this mean that the other person is
"blameless"?
Of course not. But if you want to live your life
with more ease and have more love, you have to
start with you and what's going on inside you.
2. Find a way to love yourself and that memory.
If you have no clue about what memory is coming up,
just keep loving yourself with your thoughts and
even your words. We've discovered that when we do,
the situation becomes easier and there's a feeling
of letting go and relaxation.
3. Allow room for inspired action. Open to
listening to the other person and say what's true
for you so the other can hear. True inspired action
can come from this type of honest dialog. We know
because this is what we try to practice in every
moment.
This week, allow your light to shine as you live
your life more from inspiration than memory.
If you do, you'll discover how much joy and love
can come to you.
Using Something
'Non-Negotiable' To Create a Relationship that Is
More Fun, Exciting and Enjoyable
When there is something that is "non-negotiable" in
our relationships and lives, there's often a
negative, uncomfortable, closed feeling that goes
along with that thought or idea.
We've discovered that "non-negotiables" in our
relationships can actually make them dramatically
better and filled with much more love, passion and
connection.
Curious? Here's how...
Recently, we picked up Jack Canfield's book "The
Success Principles" and were fascinated by what he
said about commitment and how that relates to
creating great relationships.
In his book, he talked about making a "100%
commitment to the outcome" and that successful
people "adhere to the 'no exceptions rule' when it
comes to their daily disciplines."
He goes on to say that once you decide something
is non-negotiable, you don't have to think about it
anymore and life is easier.
Okay, so let's translate that idea to
relationships...
For us, our commitment to each other is that we
connect on a deep level every day. It's
"non-negotiable" and we don't have to decide if
we're doing it or not. We just do it!
Whether we connect in person during our hour of
connection in the morning or by phone on the rare
occasions that we are away from each other--we
express our gratitude, appreciation, love, angst
and anything else that's important to us in that
moment in all sorts of different ways with each
other.
We've discovered ways to make keeping our
commitment fun, exciting and enjoyable--instead of
something we "have" to do. That time is certainly a
high point in our day.
Another commitment we've made with our extended
family is to physically get together at least once
a month. Whether it's a picnic at a park in a city
that is central to all of us or it's an overnight
at Susie's sister's house to celebrate a birthday,
we are committed to connecting and having fun in
some way or another--with each other. This
commitment is "non-negotiable" for all of us.
So our questions to you are these...
What's non-negotiable, by choice, in your
relationships?
What commitment are you willing to make to
create your life and relationships the way you want
them to be?
What are you willing to say that you'll make a
100% commitment to doing that will improve your
life and your relationships?
In other words, what can you choose to commit to
right now ( or in the near future) that could
change and improve your relationships for the
better?
It might be something that you stop doing--like
judging and criticizing your loved ones or a
co-worker--or stopping what you are doing to
actually look at them when they are talking to
you.
It might be something new that you begin
doing--whether the other person is in agreement or
not.
It might be a commitment that you make with your
partner-- something that would revitalize and
re-energize your relationship.
Whatever this idea may mean to you, we invite
you to look at how you can open to experiencing
more love and connection in your life.
Spend some time thinking about and creating some
new positive and fun "non-negotiable" commitments
and let us know what you come up with.
We know from personal experience that when you
make new commitments that are "non-negotiable" that
will help you create more love,passion and
connection, the payoff can be amazing.
Money Issues,
Finances & Differences In Relationships
There's no question about it...Differences over
money and finances are some of the biggest
issues that challenge couples and tear them
apart.
In relationships, the question always becomes
how to look at these challenges as unique
opportunities to heal and move toward
deeper connection rather than to disconnection and
separation.
So why does money drive a wedge between two
people who are committed to loving one another and
in many cases have an otherwise great
relationship?
Here are a few reasons why...
1. Different backgrounds, values and
beliefs. We all come from different backgrounds
and carry different values and belief systems from
our birth families and life experiences. Sometimes
we don't even know why we carry these values and
beliefs but they still have a very deep hold on us.
We just know that they are "right" and can react.
unconsciously when someone goes against these
values and beliefs.
2. "Spender and Saver" Combination. If
there's one scenario we've seen over and over, it's
the "spender/saver" love combo. One person likes to
spend money ("You can't take it with you" attitude)
while the other person feels more secure saving
money with a "Just in case..." approach to life.
There's usually great love and/or friendship
between them but this difference usually is
difficult to deal with.
3. Never taught about money. Most people
aren't taught how to deal with issues that arise
over money and finances with a partner who may look
at life differently. They try to use their parent's
model-and that model may not work with the person
they chose to share their life with.
4. Two people/different goals for their
financial lives. One person's concern may be
paying for a child's college education while the
other person may want to save for a vacation home
or spend whatever money is earned right now.
So, how do you deal with these differences and
even create a deeper connection with a partner when
you have them? Here are some tips...
1. Look at your history, beliefs, and values
about money and finances. Ask yourself who was
your role model for your beliefs about money and
then question if these beliefs still serve you.
Susie's parents lived during the depression and
saving money was an important part of their lives.
So Susie likes the security of having a financial
cushion to fall back on-and lots of money in the
bank. To Otto, saving money doesn't have the
importance that it does to Susie. We've discovered
that we were both out of balance and needed to come
to the center on this issue.
2. Decide in advance how you are going to
handle the finances. Early in our relationship,
we decided to share equally the household expenses
but not combine our personal finances. It has been
important to us to feel like equal partners and
this was one way that we could do it. This may not
work in your circumstance. All we are saying is to
consciously decide about how you are going to deal
with finances before you get married, move in
together or make any kind of long-term commitment
to each other.
3. Talk about what each of you values in the
area of finances. What are your short-term and
long-term goals? Talk about them with your partner.
It's only after you know what's important to you
and your partner that can you create and keep a
deep connection with each other.
4. When misunderstandings come up, listen to
your partner and try to understand the frame of
reference he/she is coming from. Be open to
taking a look underneath at what you both think is
the problem-because more than likely it goes much
deeper than what it appears. When you listen to
each other and share with an open heart, you might
uncover and clear up some misconceptions and
assumptions about intentions behind your actions or
words.
Years ago when we were discussing business
finances, Otto felt tight and restricted when Susie
used the word "budget." His frame of reference from
20 years in sales was that "budgets" were imposed
from some outside authority and meant
restriction.
Susie's frame of reference came from managing a
library and she dealt with budgets every day. She
didn't feel triggered by the word "budget"--it was
just a business tool--but she was triggered by
Otto's reaction.
It was only until after each of us understood
the other's frame of reference for this word that
we could make sense out of what was going on
between us and choose to connect with each other
instead of stay disconnected. We were also able to
discover some deeper fears that this "money" issue
uncovered.
In your relationships, whether you're talking
about money or anything else, It's important to
understand and respect your partner's needs,
desires, frame of reference and values, as well as
your own.
When you're trying to work through money issues
(or anything else) one of the big keys is "staying
open" personally and emotionally to your friend,
partner or beloved.
Another key is to chose to love the other person
anyway--even if they are different from you and
look at different issues in ways you don't.
Romantic Comedies and
Your Relationship
This week, someone asked Susie such an interesting
relationship question that we thought we'd share
our thoughts about the topic with you.
This question and our answer are important to
anyone who wants more love and connection in their
relationships and life.
So what is the question we're talking about?
Susie and her sister were having a "girls
getaway," visiting their two cousins who live in
Richmond, Virginia, which is about an 7 hour drive
from where we live in Ohio.
The four of them grew up together and have been
very close friends since. They always have such a
good time at these "reunions" and one of the fun
things the four of them did in the evenings during
this reunion was watch romantic comedy movies on
DVD and laugh together.
You know the way romantic comedies go... there
are always bizarre twists and turns on the way to
getting the guy or girl of your dreams and the
movies that the four of them watched were no
different.
In fact, in two of these movies, the couples met
and fell "in love" within a week.
As the four of them talked about the movies
later, Susie's sister asked if it was really
possible to fall in that kind of love in a
week.
Susie thought that was an interesting question
because that's exactly what happened to the two of
us.
We've been together for many years now, but we
were only acquaintances before going on our "first
date."
As strange as it sounds and just like in those
romantic comedies, our connection was so strong and
so intense on that "first date" that we were
together as a couple from then on.
Whether you're in a relationship now and want
more spark, connection and love or you're not in a
relationship and want to be...
Here's the relationship lesson we'd like to
share with you in all this...
While we love a good movie about love and
romance, the one thing that's never told is what
you should do next after this initial attraction to
keep the spark alive in your relationship.
These movies focus on the fun and excitement of
the meeting, the attraction and the initial
romance.
Yes, the feeling that you've found the true soul
mate that you've wanted in your life can be
incredible because we know from our own
experience.
But why did this "big love" happen to us?
Was it a fluke?
Was is our destiny?
A divine plan?
Were we just soul mates destined to find each
other?
Was it karma?
Can it happen to anyone?
These are all legitimate questions...
We believe that the reasons that we have this
"big love" and incredible connection are not just
answering "yes" to any of those questions.
As good as a new passionate, romantic
relationship feels, in our opinion, it's nothing
compared to what is yet to come if you just learn
how to keep your love alive with your partner.
We've discovered that anyone can have and keep
more love, more passion, more connection, more
trust, better communication and deeper
relationships.
As we look at our relationship and the lives of
our coaching clients that we've helped to create
close, connected relationships, one thing is
clear...
The real magic in relationships happens after
the initial attraction that creates lasting love
and an incredible connection over the long
term.
Whether you are currently in a committed
relationship or you are opening yourself to
attracting a new partner into your life, here are a
few things that we did and you can too...
1. Choose to look at your beloved with fresh
eyes and begin each day with gratitude. That means
letting go of old grievances after they've been
resolved and focusing on appreciating what you love
about each other instead of what's "wrong."
2. Do something every day to keep your
connection strong. It can just take a few minutes
of stopping your busy life to turn and look into
the eyes of your partner. Don't let a day go by
without renewing your connection.
3. Keep a sense of humor. You will make
"mistakes" and your partner will too. While it's
healthy to know what you want and don't want in a
relationship, be kind to yourself and your partner
when things don't go too well.
4. Keep passion alive. So many couples allow the
passion that was once there between them to die.
Keep it alive and growing.
Whether you are currently with a partner or are
available for a new relationship, begin creating
your own romantic comedy--with the idea that there
is no "ending" but simply a continuation of
passion, love and connection between the two of
you.
Always be asking yourselves and each other ""how
can I / we open to more in this relationship and
with you?"
You can always open more and you can always love
more. Every moment is a new opportunity to create
and enjoy.
Very often we just have to let go of our
preconceived blocks and notions about what is or
isn't possible.
Other times it's a bit more complicated than
just letting go of preconceived notions and ideas
but if your intention is to open instead of close
and love instead withhold then you're certainly on
the right track.
Sticks, Balls, Jumping In
The River and Opening To Love
For the past two weeks, we've been dog-sitting for
our friends' fun-loving, gentle, yellow Labrador
retriever (Nutmeg) and we're having a ball with
her.
We've been taking Nutmeg on long walks on our
city's bike path and playing catch in the river
with balls and sticks. As we've gone on these
excursions, we've noticed a wide variety of
reactions to the dog from the people we meet.
A few days ago on the bike path, we walked past
two young children on bicycles and their
grandfather. They were all excited to pet Nutmeg
and she was equally excited to get their love and
attention. "Nut" has never met a stranger.
Several other people walked or ran by us without
a glance our way. One man skirted the other side of
the paved path as we passed and was obviously very
afraid of Nutmeg. He asked us in a low voice as he
quickly passed, "Does she bite?"
When we thought about his question, as well as
the various ways that people reacted to our adopted
dog--what a mirror for how we all look at
relationships and life so differently!
Some of us are open and friendly to strangers,
as well as to those we love. Some of us largely
ignore those we meet and those closest to us--and
stay in our own little world. Some of us are very
frightened of opening to others and keep ourselves
closed off.
We've observed that these differences seem to
come from our beliefs and our past experiences--and
not so much from what's happening in our
present.
So, this week, we invite you to notice how you
react to your loved ones and how you react to
strangers.
Do you keep yourself very busy doing "things" so
you don't have to interact with people--either
strangers or your loved ones?
Are you open to stopping, making eye contact and
listening to your loved ones or even people you
meet?
Are you fearful of opening to something new with
your partner or even with people you haven't
met?
Becoming aware of our reactions can show us
where and how we need to grow next. The important
thing is to notice what we do to keep ourselves
separate and then decide if we want the possibility
of more joy and love in our lives--and open to
it.
Opening to the possibility of love, whether you
are in a long-term relationship or not, can be a
scary proposition because of habits, beliefs and
past experiences.
It may take some courage to say "no" to these
habits and try something different--if you want
more love in your life.
We suggest that you choose some way that you'd
like to open to more joy in your life this
week.
Important Insights to
Understand When You Want Your Partner to Be
Different or Change
We saw the movie "Knocked Up" last weekend and
while some people may be offended by some of the
language and themes in it, we loved it.
We don't always agree with the reviews from
critics of a movie but we agreed with the reviewers
on this one--that it was funny and worth
seeing.
There were so many life and relationship themes
throughout the movie and so many observations that
we could make about relationships. If you've seen
it, we're sure that you have plenty of your
own.
But as we think about one of the major themes
for us from the movie, we remember what one of our
relationship teachers once said to us in a workshop
we attended....
He said-- "Men marry women hoping they don't
change; Women marry men hoping they do"--and that's
one of the big themes in "Knocked Up."
Just like in real life, in the movie, the
question goes something like this--
Can the guy who doesn't hold a job, smokes dope
and seems really irresponsible become responsible
enough to become a good partner and parent?
Can women change men and if men do change, are
they happy after they change?
Good questions, huh? And ones many of us have
pondered more than once.
So what about trying to change your
partner...
Can you do it and is it worth it if you do?
In "Knocked Up," we get to see a close up of not
only the couple who are strangers (Alison and Ben)
that just got "knocked up," but we also get to see
the "inner workings" of the life and relationship
of Alison's sister and her husband.
This couple "had" to get married because she was
pregnant and now after 10 or 11 years later, we see
that both of them are restless and not feeling
loved or valued by the other. There seem to be
secrets between them that are pulling them apart.
They just don't seem to be "in sync" anymore and
plainly aren't happy.
Alison doesn't want to end up like her sister,
in a not-so-good marriage--so throughout the film,
she questions whether Ben (her partner and father
to their unborn child) can change enough for the
two of them to make a go of it.
We won't tell you any more of the plot in case
you haven't seen it but this did trigger some
thoughts and observations we wanted to share here
about trying to change a partner...
1. You truly can't change someone who doesn't
want to change for their own sake. Changing for
another person--whether it's to stop smoking, lose
weight, being a more attentive father or
partner--will only cause resentments later on. Each
person has to want to make the changes, independent
of the other person.
2. Men can and do change--and so do women.
Expect change to happen. If it doesn't, it just
means that the person doesn't want to be or act
different from what they are currently being or
acting. Look at your situation with hope but
realistically.
3. Listen to each other and talk honestly about
what is going on inside you. In "Knocked Up," both
relationships could have been so much better if the
partners could have talked and listened to each
other without getting so triggered and
reactive--but then we wouldn't have had a story,
would we have?
4. Open your heart to understand your partner.
We are all very different and look at the world
very differently--even though we might now realize
it. Open to understanding what your partner's
hopes, dreams and desires are--and be willing to
share yours.
In our relationship, we've learned that trying
to change each other just doesn't work. Love and
understanding does.
We've also discovered that change does happen in
relationships but that change comes from openness
and from a place of curiosity about what embracing
new ideas and new ways of being might mean.
Some times opening to these kinds of changes can
be scarry. But, what we've discovered is that no
matter how scarry opening may be, it's no where
near as painful as living your life closed and
emotionally shut down.
The bottom line is to make the changes that you
want to make in yourself so that you can create
more of what you want.
Independence Day
Relationship Advice
As we're sure you know, this week (on July 4th) in
the United States we're celebrating the founding of
our nation, freedom and independence.
Just like a lot of you, we'll be spending time
with friends and family and attending Independence
day celebrations complete with fireworks.
One thing that's for sure is, the idea of
independence means a lot of different things to a
lot of different people.
In relationships of all kinds, the idea of
"independence" is also pretty important and that's
because freedom, independence and inter-dependence
can be one of the stickiest issues that people and
couples have to deal with.
Since we're all so different, each of us has a
greater or lesser desire for freedom and
independence--and that's where the "rub" comes
in.
If you're "too" independent in relationships,
there's little or no connection--no matter what
kind of relationship it is. There may be great love
but the other person can feel like something is
missing in the relationship and that he/she is
being held at arm's length.
If you're "too" dependent, the other person can
feel smothered and search for every opportunity to
have some freedom.
We see this dynamic a lot in couples who
struggle with jealousy but it can happen from time
to time in any relationship.
So how do you cope with varying desires for
freedom and inter-dependence--while still keeping a
close, connected, open, loving relationship?
How do you balance and honor a need for
independence as well as keep a strong
connection?
Here are some of our ideas...
1. Listen to yourself and know what you want. We
know that we sound like a broken record but in
order to connect with another person, you have to
learn to connect with yourself. Don't bury your
feelings, thinking that you are being "kind" in
acting in a certain way that you think the other
person wants or needs.
Not necessarily true.
You can't assume that you know best for the
other person. You can only listen to what's inside
you and then let the other person know in a way
that keeps both of you open.
2. Listen to the other person with an open heart
and stay in the present moment
Listening with an open heart means not assuming
and jumping to conclusions. It also means staying
in the "here and now," without leaping to the
future or staying stuck in the past.
All kinds of fears can come up when you tackle
these independence/inter-dependence issues and your
best line of defense is to stay focused on the
present moment.
Don't play the "what if" game. It always brings
up fears that usually don't materialize.
3. Express what you want in a way that opens the
door between the two of you and isn't defensive,
controlling or demanding.
When you adopt a defensive manner when you are
expressing what you want, the other person usually
energetically "steps back" and can shut down any
connection or line of communication.
Be aware of your energy as you express yourself.
If you're unclear how you "come off" to others, ask
a trusted friend for some honest feedback.
Become aware of your tone of voice, your
non-verbal mannerisms and your words. You may be
surprised at the feedback that you get when you
ask.
Love is all about respecting and honoring each
other--and that includes honoring and understanding
each other's needs for independence and
inter-dependence.
What To Do When You or
Your Partner Is 'Caught Looking'
What should you do if you notice your partner
looking at an attractive man or woman?
This is an interesting question that pops up in
nearly every relationship at one time or another
and it's a much bigger deal for some people than it
is for others.
There are all kinds of possible answers to this
question of what to do when you "catch" your
partner, mate or friend looking at someone else and
here are just a few...
For example, you could say nothing, be silent
and pretend it never happened (again).
You could make a big deal out of it and create a
"scene."
You could sulk and withdraw.
Heck, you could even try to punish them or
withhold something from them that you think might
get their attention and try to get them to change
their ways.
If you really think about it, there are an
unlimited number of things you might do when you
"catch'" your partner, mate or friend noticing
someone else.
And the most important question that ever needs
to be answered about this issue is this -- Will
your response be one that moves you closer to or
further from what you want?
Painfully, we must say that if your response to
your partner is like most people's response when
this happens, then you're probably creating what
you don't want instead of what you do want.
Most of the time you're probably doing this
without even realizing what you're doing.
Here's what we've discovered about "noticing"
other people and "attraction" that may be helpful
to you or someone you know...
Attraction is a normal part of being human.
Each of us is attracted to certain jobs,
friends, partners and activities and that's why
they are in our lives.
As for noticing an attractive man or woman that
is not our partner or the one we're with...
Unless you're dead or lying, almost every one of
us would have to admit to "noticing" an attractive
person from time to time.
It's normal and natural.
While all of this attraction is normal, it can
certainly get you (and your partner) into hot water
in your relationship if you aren't paying
attention.
It's been our experience that it's what happens
next after someone "notices" an attractive (or even
average looking) person that isn't their partner
that makes the difference in your relationship and
your life.
Here's what we mean...
When this happens, one of the first things you
have to figure out is... "Is he or she just simply
'noticing' or appreciating another person's beauty,
attractiveness, presence, or other gifts or is
there something really harmful going on?
After all... in most cases when this happens,
what you're really concerned about is the fact that
this other person appears to be getting your
partner or friend's attention that you want. Isn't
it?
We think it's perfectly OK for you (or your
partner) to notice or look at someone else who is
attractive or interesting but in our opinion,
here's where the problems begin...
It's when whatever is going on--either real or
imagined-- gets in the way of your connection and
your relationship.
If your partner seems to be truly attracted to
someone else and it is interfering with your
relationship, here are some ideas for you to
consider...
1. Take some time alone and decide what you want
in your relationship. It's not good enough to
merely think--"I just want him/her to stop
flirting" or "I just want him/her to come home at a
decent hour." You have to decide what you want in
this relationship. Do you want more time together?
How do you want to connect with your partner? Do
you want more attention, kindness, or anything
else?
2. Chances are that if you have felt your
partner being attracted to other people or
activities to the detriment of your relationship,
you've told him or her about it--and there's
probably been denial. Take a different tactic and
instead of "pushing against," talk about what you'd
like in your relationship and tell them how much
you want to be with them.
Don't ignore what you think is happening if you
get a feeling about it but also shift your focus to
making your relationship better.
3. Open your heart to listening to what your
partner wants and ask that your partner listen to
what you want in your relationship. Is there an
opening for each of you to strengthen your
relationship?
4. Until your partner is honest about the
attraction--with himself or herself and with
you--it can linger there, even if you set a
boundary and it's honored.
Take a positive step toward what's happening and
remember it doesn't mean that you are lacking in
some way. It just means that you both need to be
honest about what's going on and decide what you
want for your relationship.
If you are attracted to someone and it is
interfering with your committed relationship, here
are some ideas for you to consider...
1. Take some time to feel inside yourself and
recognize what attracts you to this person or this
activity. What are you getting out of the
attraction that may be missing in other parts of
your life?
2. Be honest with yourself and don't dismiss
your partner's complaints, if there are any. Be
honest about your motivations and needs that are
being met by this attraction. It could be the
element of excitement or that you are getting the
kind of attention that you want. It could be that
you can be who you really are by being with this
other person--and you can't be that way in your
partnership.
3. While we're not saying that your intimate
relationship has to fulfill all of your needs, we
are saying that if there is a deep desire to be
with another person or experience an activity that
dominates your thoughts and time, it's a call for
you to turn and focus on your intimate
relationship--and to shift your attention away from
your attraction.
4. Instead of being defensive and denying your
attraction, talk with your partner about what you'd
like more of in your relationship with him or her.
Open to what might be possible but be honest.
In the course of relationships, attractions can
happen.
It's what you do with them that make the
difference between whether your relationship with
your partner is alive and growing or it loses its
passion and love.
Passion, Adventure,
Romance and Pirates
Can you believe it?
We just found out that the movie "Pirates of the
Caribbean: At World's End" broke the record for the
highest worldwide six-day opening, with $401
million.
As fascinated observers of our culture, we
couldn't help but wonder why?
Don't get us wrong... we really enjoyed the
movie but we wondered what it is that attracts
millions of people to choose to pay their money and
spend their time watching a movie like this.
Because we're also students of relationships and
are always on the lookout for insights into how to
create outstanding relationships, we couldn't help
but wonder if wasn't something we could learn about
creating successful, happy relationships.
Setting aside the vast media hype that's gone on
to promote this movie, we came to the conclusion
that the creators of "Pirates of the Caribbean"
give us what a lot of us find lacking from our
relationships and lives.
While we certainly don't want to spoil the plot
for you if you haven't seen the film, we do want to
give you a few take-away ideas to think about and
possibly apply to make your relationships more
alive.
Here are some of our thoughts...
1. The clever script had humor and wit. Most of
us enjoy humor and want more of it in our lives and
in our relationships. So the question becomes...How
can you look at situations in a more humorous,
lighter, more loving way? How can you expand to
include more humor or fun in your life?
2. The plot was filled with surprising and
unexpected twists and turns. How can you create
surprises that will bring you closer to the people
you love? It might be planning a special night of
romance or it might be doing something very
small--something out of the ordinary for your loved
one.
3. There was passion at every step of the
way--romantic passion, passion for the sea,
following a good captain, passion to right a wrong,
to complete a debt. What do you have a passion for
in your life? How can you rekindle that passion if
it has dimmed or even died? What step are you
willing to take to create more passion in your
life?
4. The characters passionately stood up for what
they believed in and "stepped up" for what they
wanted. What are you committed to having in your
relationships and are you willing to "step up" and
do the things that will bring you closer to having
it?
It sometimes just takes a small action to move
you toward what you want, like making a connection
with your eyes with your beloved or with a family
member or friend. It sometimes takes a very small
action to stir up passion in your life.
If you haven't seen the new "Pirates" movie, go
see it because it's a lot of fun.
If you're like most people, you want to feel a
little more passion and excitement in your life and
watching this movie lets you have it vicariously by
spending a couple of hours in the theater.
Our suggestion is to not just live vicariously
through the characters and events of a movie (or
anything else) but to really live with passion in
all aspects of your life, especially your
relationships.
When it comes to your relationships, we believe
that if you want more than you currently have right
now, you can have it.
You can create more passion, love, connection,
trust, intimacy and spark in your
relationships.
It all begins with you and it all begins right
now.
A Sure-Fire Way To Make
your Relationships Easier
If you've been following along with us lately, not
only did we "birth" our newest book "Red Hot Love
Relationships," but we put our house up for sale
during this month.
Getting the house ready to show to perspective
buyers has been no small task because we had
accumulated a lot of "stuff" over the many years
we've lived here.
So, the house and surrounding area looks
great--except for one thing...
Our neighbor's stuff!
Our neighbors, who are very nice people, have
accumulated lots of things that sit outside their
house and no amount of encouragement on our part
has led to their cleaning up that area.
As you can imagine, in our minds (and what we've
been told from perspective buyers), this is keeping
us from selling our house.
Now in this situation we have a couple of
choices about how to handle this. ..
We can keep blaming the neighbors for our house
not selling as quickly as we would like and
continue spending a lot of energy and holding on to
anger and frustration about the way our neighbors
are choosing to create their outside
environment.
Or we can make a choice to take a much healthier
approach and "relax into our frustrations."
What's all this have to do with you and your
relationships and how do you "relax into your
frustrations?"
More importantly-- why would you want to relax
into your frustrations in the first place?
We'll explain it this way...
We're guessing that you have at least one
relationship in your life that frustrates
you--someone who you know if they would just follow
your suggestions, everything would be okay.
Sometimes it doesn't work that way. Sometimes
the people in your life don't do what you think is
best or what you want them to do.
In one of the chapters of our new book, we talk
about how to not make relationships hard work. This
pushing against someone else to follow your path is
simply hard work.
So what do you do instead of pushing
against?
You relax into your frustration and be in
gratitude.
We'll explain what we mean by using our personal
situation...
When the thought comes up that we are never
going to sell our house because of these neighbors
and their "stuff," we need to recognize that that
thought is a faulty belief. We can ask ourselves
Byron Katie's question--"Is that true?"
In this case, the answer is "no." When we take
that new thought in, we can begin to relax our
bodies. Because the truth is that we don't know who
the "right" buyer is for this house.
We can also be grateful that they are nice
people who don't pollute the area with a lot of
noise.
Whenever frustration comes up again, we just
keep repeating the process.
Is this moving the sale of our house along?
We don't know. But what we do know is that we
feel better when we do this and it's a healthier
way to live.
So this week, if you find yourself becoming
frustrated because someone isn't doing something
that you think they should be doing--take a moment
and ask yourself our question and "relax" into your
answer.
We send you lots of love as you move toward what
you want in your life.
What You Can Learn From
This Magician's Bad Relationship Advice
We thought we'd heard just about everything until
we saw this...
It was an ad for guys about how to seduce the
"hottest" women by doing magic tricks.
Now, if you've been reading any of our
materials, you know that we are NOT about seduction
for the sake of manipulation.
We are about love, juiciness, aliveness, passion
and connection.
But after we mulled over this magician's idea,
we thought that there was something that we all
could learn from it to make our relationships come
alive.
If you're like most people, you're probably
wondering how could it be that there's something to
be learned from this guy?
After all... there's something kind of creepy
about what he's doing and...
Yes, he's using "tricks" to get the attention of
beautiful women and...
Yes, he's teaching guys (gullible ones) that
seduction and tricks are the way to a girl or
woman's heart....
Once you get past all this-- he's doing
something out of the ordinary that we can all learn
from that can have a truly positive impact on our
relationships.
Let us repeat this so we make sure you get
it.
He's doing something out of the ordinary.
That's right, that's what we're suggesting you
do in your relationships--
Do something out of the ordinary.
In the case of this magician-- he's teaching
guys that you can get the attention of another
person you might want to meet by doing something
you wouldn't ordinarily do.
Whether you are currently in a relationship or
not, choose to spice up your life by doing
something that is different from what you might
normally do.
If you are single and want to be in a close,
connecting, loving relationship, go somewhere to
meet people who are like-minded--somewhere you
haven't gone before. Even if you connect with
someone who can be a new friend, take a chance and
open yourself to a new friendship.
The two of us met at a spiritual study group in
our small town and had known each other as
acquaintances for a couple of years before we got
together as a couple. You just never know what will
happen when you open yourself to new
experiences!
If you are in a committed relationship or
marriage and want to get closer, take this
opportunity to spice things up with a new and
different experience. It doesn't have to be a huge,
planned or expensive event. It can be something
very small but whatever you choose, focus on
increasing connection, passion fun, and friendship
in your relationship.
This morning, during our connecting time, we
tried a new way of "melting" together.
Did it take much preparation?
No--it just took our desire to keep our
relationship alive and growing along with a little
experimentation and openness.
So our advice to you is to continually find new
ways to bring "magic" into your life and your
relationships.
Start small and do one thing that can possibly
bring you more of what you want.
Plugging Up The Holes in
Your Relationships
Are there any "holes" in your relationships?
If you're like us--the answer is yes.
In fact, in many relationships there are usually
quite a few "holes."
"Holes" are those things in your relationship
and life that you may know are there but it's
always a surprise when you fall into one.
Your relationship can be just fine one minute
and then before you know it, you've fallen into one
of those "hidden" holes again.
You can be thrown into a relationship hole by a
certain word or look from the other person. These
"holes" always create distance, disconnection and
even anger, sadness or a range of many other
emotions.
The house we live in is over 130 years old and
just like a lot of relationships, there are many
"holes" in the nooks and crannies in the exterior
of the house.
At its core, our home is solid and stable. But
the fact is that until the past few months when we
decided to sell our house and move to another city,
we really haven't paid a lot of attention to
maintaining it. Of course the neglect was really
beginning to show.
Since we've been focusing our attention on
revitalizing it, the home is in much better
shape.
The truth is that whether you're talking about a
house or a relationship, if there are any "holes"
in them, they didn't just show up overnight. They
are there because you didn't notice them and then
fix them right away before they grew bigger. You
didn't focus attention on the house or the
relationship.
We could move to another house but it wouldn't
be long before problems would start showing up in
our new house if we didn't do a better job of
maintaining it. So it is with relationships.
What does it mean to plug up the "holes" in a
relationship?
It means doing the things every day and even
moment-to-moment that lead to a great
relationship.
One of those things is giving the relationship
your attention. Many people get into a relationship
and then put it on auto-pilot. Then months or years
later, they wonder what happened.
If you haven't planned a date together in a
while, take some time right now and plan some type
of get-away even if it's just for an hour at your
favorite restaurant or a walk in a park alone
together. Make some time for the two of you to be
together and to enjoy each other.
No matter what kind of relationship--paying some
attention to it can help plug up the holes.
Another thing that we find helpful is to be
honest about what you are feeling--with yourself
and with others.
This means whenever something comes up between
you and another person, don't let it linger and
become an even bigger issue. In other words, if you
tackle these issues when they're small, you can
certainly avoid falling into huge "pot holes" later
on.
Fixing a relationship with holes may not be an
overnight process but it can be done if both
partners in the relationship are committed to
making it better and stronger.
A Controversial
Kiss Offers Many Lessons For All Of Us
During the past few weeks, there has been a furor
over Actor Richard Gere kissing Shilpa Shetty on
the cheek during an AIDS awareness benefit in
India.
There's even been a lawsuit brought against Gere
over his actions and there's talk of arresting
Shetty as well.
While we're not avid followers of Hollywood
gossip, this story was intriguing to us because
this is much to be learned about relationships if
we really think about this incident for a moment.
.
This whole situation has been very polarizing
for different groups of people.
Some people are dismissing these allegations as
the actions of extremists and that they are
embarrassing to the Indian culture. Some people are
saying that Gere was out of line and that he should
have known better.
Needless to say, if this had happened in the US,
this would certainly not have been an issue. The
reality is it happened in India and because of this
it is a problem.
So what does all of this have to do with your
relationships?
Plenty and here's why...
All of our actions come from our beliefs,
experiences, and attitudes--and we are all
different.
Actions that are acceptable to one person,
another might find objectionable and even
offensive. Whether it's a relationship in the
workplace, a friend, family member or intimate
partner--we are all triggered from time to time
about what others say or do.
Their actions and words may bring up feelings
that we may not even know existed and may not be
aware of why we feel that way.
These differences in beliefs, experiences and
attitudes are how misunderstandings are created. We
disconnect from others when we make assumptions
based on our own view of the world.
A good example of this is when a woman asked us
a question about her relationship that had recently
ended. She told us that she was getting conflicting
signals from her "ex" and didn't know what to think
about her situation and how or whether to move on
or not.
Her "ex" had told her that he didn't trust her.
When we asked her if she knew what she had to do to
regain the trust of her "ex," she didn't know.
We told her that if she wanted to make that
relationship better--whether it remains intimate or
changes form--she had to find out what it would
take for her ex to trust her again. She had to
discover what his world view is when it comes to
trust and then decide is she wants to do what it
would take to regain that trust.
So, what do you do if you are caught in one of
these misunderstandings or are at odds with someone
who is important to you?
Here are some ideas for helping you to untangle
yourself if you find that you are stuck in one of
these situations...
1. Become aware of the assumptions that you may
be making in the situation and what assumptions the
other person may be making.
2. If you don't know what assumptions the other
person is making, ask for clarification. Several of
the reports on the Gere story intimated that the
majority of the Indian people didn't condemn Gere's
actions but were silent about it. Don't be silent
if this person is important to you. Ask for
clarification.
3. Question your beliefs. Decide if your beliefs
will allow you to move forward in this situation or
if you need to modify or change them in some
way.
You get to decide what you believe and how you
act on those beliefs in your relationships. We say
this often--be a conscious creator in your life and
decide how you want to live it.
While we don't know what will happen to Richard
Gere and Shilpa Shetty over this incident, we do
know that it's the human condition to have
different viewpoints over the same situation.
If we want to create great relationships, we
have to learn to understand each other and to open
to understanding ourselves at a deeper
level.
What are You
Resisting?
We'd like you to imagine for just a moment that
there is an unlimited amount of love, passion,
connection, abundance (and anything else that you
want) available to you in your relationships and
life.
If this is true (and we believe that it is),
then we'd like to ask you this question...
What resistance to experiencing more of what you
want are you feeling in your relationships and life
right now?
Resistance might be coming in a variety of
ways--but the truth is that if there is an
unlimited supply of love and abundance, then at
some level you are undoubtedly blocking or
resisting what you want from being a part of your
life experience.
Susie's feeling a lot of resistance right now
toward moving on to a larger city and leaving her
house of over 30 years and the small town where
she's lived since 1969. She "knows" deep inside
herself that this is a good move for her and for
us, but within that "knowing" is a resistance to
change.
Like Susie, you may be challenging something in
your life or relationships that you have a deep
"knowing" about. You might be saying to yourself
"Yes, but..." and "That won't work for me." If this
is the case, then these are small examples of
resistance.
There may also be other forms of resistance that
are present for you, such as resistance to "what
is," resistance to opening wider to your partner,
resistance to claiming something positive for your
life, resistance to letting go of limiting beliefs,
resistance to allowing the time, energy and focus
that this path might take.
To go back to our example of Susie's
resistance...
She has the most difficult time when she slips
into believing his negative, limiting thoughts that
in the new city, she'll never have what she has in
this house and beautiful natural setting.
The reality of the situation is that even though
this house is located in a private, wooded setting,
both the130 year old house and its surroundings are
more than we want to take care of right now.
There are also things like a garage and a
bathroom off the master bedroom that appeal to
Susie in a newer house. To top it off--her
grandsons live in the city where they are moving so
she will get to be with them more often.
So the truth of it is--although Susie is
resisting this move in some ways, there are some
wonderful, positive advantages for letting go of
the past.
In relationships, people hold onto old, limiting
beliefs that create resistance without taking a
good look at what is currently happening in the
present moment and the outcome that they want.
They hold on to grudges and things that have
been done to them in the past without looking at
what's going on right here and right now.
We've discovered that holding onto resistance is
hard work--like hauling a ball and chain around
with you all of the time.
While it may not be "easy" to let go of whatever
you are resisting, we've discovered that when we
do, we feel lighter and more love comes into our
lives.
The trick is to spend as much of your time,
effort and energy as possible focusing on the
positive outcome that you want to happen instead of
focusing on any short-term pain that you may feel
as you work through any personal or relationship
challenges that seem to keep you stuck in a place
you don't want.
Pay attention to any negative emotion that
arises. Ask if what you are telling yourself about
what you are resisting is true. Often, there's no
truth to your fears and even if there is some
validity to your resistance, make a choice to focus
on where you want to go.
In life and relationships, it's up to each
person to decide what he/she wants and not let
something we perceive as difficult get in the way
of having something amazing in any area of our
lives.
We suggest that you begin creating your life on
purpose, whatever that means to you, especially
when it comes to your relationships. Look
resistance right in the eye. Then, make the
decision that you are not willing to allow your
resistance to keep you from having what you
want.
The Pursuit of
Relationship Happiness
Recently, we watched the movie "The Pursuit of
Happyness" which gave us much food for thought
about overcoming challenges while holding the
vision for what you want.
The story was based on parts of Chris Gardner's
life story and although we don't want to spoil it
for you if you haven't seen it, the film is a great
example of someone who is successful because he
held his vision and he was willing to do what most
people aren't willing to do.
He was persistent in following his dream, even
when everything seemed stacked against him and his
vision was more powerful than the pain in the
moment.
Having this kind of vision, focus, persistence
and doing what few are willing to do is what it
takes to have a great relationship--of any
kind.
We'll give you a small, practical example of
what that means...
Last night, while Susie was at her pilates
class, Otto left to go exercise and to do a few
other things.
Because he hadn't left a note saying where he
was and he couldn't remember whether he had told
Susie he was going out or not, he called home when
he knew that Susie would be there. He let her know
where he was and what time he might be expected
back home.
Because of his vision for what he wants in an
intimate relationship, he did something that other
people may consider an act of a "hen-pecked"
husband.
At another time in his life and with another
partner, he might have felt that making a phone
call of that sort was restricting his freedom and
he wouldn't have done it.
Now, he knows that that phone call was an action
of courtesy, respect and love--and in keeping with
the vision that we both have for our
relationship.
Many people write to us about their relationship
challenges and if one thing is clear from what they
write, it's this...
They don't have the relationships that they
really want because they are focusing so hard on
what they don't want instead of holding onto their
vision for what they do want.
Unlike Chris Gardner (the main character in the
movie "The Pursuit of Happyness"), many people are
choosing to allow the challenges they are faced
with to stop them cold in their tracks.
Simply put-- many people (who don't have what
they want) aren't willing to do the things that
other people are willing to do to create what they
want.
Now, we all get stuck in our challenges from
time to time, but what can move us out of them is
making a shift in thinking to where we want to
be.
Is that positive thinking mumbo-jumbo?
No, it's simply focusing our attention in a
different way to move through challenges that
present themselves in our paths.
Alan Cohen, in his book "Relax into Wealth,"
tells a great story about selling his car. As he
was driving to meet a potential buyer, the car
stalled and quit. The buyer of course didn't buy
the car at that time.
As the car was being towed, Alan held his vision
that the car would sell and that he would do what
it took to repair it.
The repairs turned out to be minor and after the
car was fixed, he called the potential buyer and
she bought it.
Are relationships that simple to "fix"?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no--but what we know is
that if you hold your vision for what you want and
do things to move toward that vision, it may not
look like you originally thought, but your life
will change in positive ways.
Here are some questions to help you create the
relationships that you want...
1. Create your vision. Many people don't have a
vision for what they want in their relationships
and creating one is the first place to start. What
do you want your relationship to look like? To feel
like?
2. What types of things do you need to be doing
to move toward making your vision a reality? Do you
need to change some thoughts or actions?
3. What can you do to create what you want that
few people are doing? This week, we invite you to
look at the vision you want for your relationships
and life. Renew your resolve to move forward toward
your dreams.
Using Agreements to
Resolve your Communication Issues
We all have different ways of looking at life and
those differences can certainly cause communication
breakdowns and disconnection in our
relationships.
The story we're about to tell you will
illustrate how to communicate with another person
and create an agreement that not only works but
also helps facilitate a closer and more connected
relationship between two people, or even more.
When you read this story, don't make the mistake
of thinking that "this doesn't apply to me."
While this actual situation we describe may or
may not apply to you, what's important and what
will be helpful to you is to see how we took a
challenging situation early in our relationship and
created an agreement (actually several of them)
that helped us to draw closer and at the same time
work through this challenging situation.
When we first got together, Susie was used to a
neat, clean home because she had lived by herself
for awhile before getting together with Otto.
Otto has a now 16 year old son from a previous
marriage who visits twice a week and is with us
every other weekend.
When a rowdy, young boy entered the picture,
Susie spent a lot of time, effort and energy trying
to get him to pick up after himself.
Back then, the problem was that Otto's son never
seemed to get the idea and it seemed that he always
had to be reminded of what was expected of him.
As a result, Susie would become frustrated, Otto
would become angry and his son would retreat into a
video game or a television show to avoid the
situation.
We (Susie and Otto) decided to practice what we
preach and create some agreements between the two
of us about what our expectations would be
concerning Otto's son and how we would deal with
various situations when he was with us.
One of our agreements was that Otto would be the
one to remind his son to pick up his clothes and
dirty dishes if there was a need to. And Otto would
do this with humor and love before his son's
bedtime each evening. Susie agreed to not worry
about whether all this would happen or not and to
trust that Otto would take care of it.
Fast forward several years--Because of our
agreement, Otto's son now takes more responsibility
for picking up after himself. There also seems to
be more ease and flow with all of us during the
times he's with us.
The point is that we came to an agreement about
how we were going to handle that situation and then
each of us followed through.
Since it was his son, Otto felt that he (and not
Susie) needed to be the one to "parent" and Susie
agreed to lighten up about her expectations around
this issue.
We figured out that what Otto's son really
wanted from him was love and attention. With this
agreement, his son gets both in a much healthier
way and we also get what we want.
We are telling you this story as a reminder that
you can create your relationships and life the way
you want them to be. You can also unravel those
sticky communication issues.
Opening up and telling each other how you feel
is a beginning step to making agreements. You do
this by not blaming but by simply saying what it is
that you want and looking at possibilities.
We could not have made the agreement that we
made if we had hung onto blaming each other and the
idea that we were each "right" in this
situation.
In any of your relationships, you have to be
willing to make the commitment to communicate with
each other no matter how painful it becomes. You
have to speak your truth and you have to listen
without judgment to what the other person has to
say.
If you aren't in the habit of creating
agreements with the people you live with or work
with, start now. When you do, your relationships
will go from where they are to where you have
always hoped they would be!
We'll have quite a bit to say about this and
many other communication challenges in tomorrow
night's teleseminar that we described in the "News
and Notes" section of this newsletter. We hope you
can join us.
Dealing With Virginia
Tech, Chaos and Tragedy
We've All have had to deal with tragedy at some
level at
different times in our lives.
This week, just like you, we've watched as the
story from Blacksburg, Virginia and Virginia Tech
has unfolded about a very troubled student and how
his rage ended in tragedy for many families.
Whether we know anyone at Virginia Tech or not,
we all have been affected on some level by the
massacre that happened there this week.
We've watched as the students and people from
all over the world have come together for comfort
and support, calling themselves a family.
We've also watched as commentators have blamed
the officials in one way or another. We all have
different meanings and interpretations about what
it all means to us.
So the question is--How do we deal with this
tragedy or with any tragedy in our lives?
How do we still find love in our hearts and how
do we still open to one another in spite of the
chaos and senseless tragedies that frequently
happen in every corner of the earth and in our
lives?
When 9/11 happened, the two of us were attending
a spiritual retreat and one of our wise teachers
told us something that we'll never forget.
She counseled us to keep in touch with what was
going on in the world but to remain centered.
According to our teacher, you "remain centered" by
finding the silence within yourself where you feel
only love. You can find this silence in prayer or
meditation. Meditation can take many forms--seated
meditation, dance meditation, fishing, running,
hiking, in the shower or even sitting on a crowded
bus.
At that retreat, we also had the feeling of
being supported by our "family" during this time of
fear and uncertainty, in much the same way that
we've seen the students at Virginia Tech drawing
together in love this week.
In the face of any tragedy, whether it's one
that touches many people or just you and your
family, we suggest that you draw together for love,
comfort and support but also allow yourself to move
into the silence within yourself.
Take a moment when you start to feel
overwhelmed, quiet your mind and feel yourself go
within, feeling only divine love.
If the chatter and fear in your mind starts
getting loud, bring yourself into the present
moment instead of dwelling on the past or worrying
about potential future events that may never
happen.
Make a choice to focus on love instead of the
pain.
You don't need to sit for long periods of time
to feel the changes that will happen if you do this
periodically during the day. It often just takes a
change of focus and the silence can support that
change.
We recently listened to one of Wayne Dyer's tape
sets where he quoted Herman Melville who said
"God's one and only voice is silence."
That's what happens in meditation--you find
"God's one and only voice."
No matter what has happened in your life, these
short periods of replenishing silence will help you
to mourn when you need to mourn, help you to feel
what you need to feel and to help you let go of
what you need to let go of in order to move forwa | 