Jade and I have been living together for four months now but tend to fight over the slightest things. Shes very argumentative and never wants to lose in anything, even board games! Over time, Ive found myself giving into her every time we have a confrontation just to avoid the inevitable explosions. Recently I realized that in doing so I had subconsciously given her power over me and now I want to take it back.
In the past few weeks Ive tried talking to her less and doing more of my own thing just to show her that Im not dependent on her. Ive also started to engage more (not physically, of course) in the arguments we have to show her Im not afraid of her -- which Im not! She seems to have mellowed a little, but I find (or it could just be me) that were playing more mind games with each other now. Perhaps she found me to be a Challenge, I dont know.
Heres an example of what I perceive as a mind game. Jade used to jokingly put me down by saying things like Youre skinny or You look horrible in sunglasses, but just yesterday I gave her a taste of her own medicine by calling her lazy for not making the bed. She definitely didnt like it and we had a fight over it. She asks for a goodnight kiss every night, but last night, after the fight, I didnt do it and she didnt ask for it either.
Im not sure if Im playing this the right way, and if Im not, how do I go about it and beat her at her own game (to get her to realize she needs to change)? I like Jade, but Im at the point where I wouldnt mind ending the relationship if she suggested it first.
On the other hand, I want things to work out between us, but am trying to get her to respect me the way I used to respect her, stop taking me for granted and start showing me her love instead of picking on me. And if it doesnt work, wed probably have to go our own separate ways.
Thanks for any help you might be able to give me.
Norris - who doesnt want to spend his life fighting
Straight out of the chute you said a mouthful. I can understand some women wanting to get into arguments, but your little hellcat never wants to lose at anything, and that includes the love game. And in her mind, if shes going to be the winner, somebodys got to be the loser. Unfortunately, thats you.
Jade or any clinically sane woman -- should be thinking about the two of you as a team, and you as a teammate, not somebody to compete with. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, If you want to throw punches, get yourself over to Gleasons Gym and put on the gloves! Gee, I can just feel the good vibes flying around your house, pal. It sounds like a real love fest over there.
I wonder whose idea it was to move in together? Who asked whom to move in first? Im betting the house that you were on your knees begging this little hottie to cohabit with you. Why? Because her Interest Level is flimsy. To you Psych majors, the higher her Interest Level, the less she wants to argue. The only exception to this rule is the highly structured woman.
Jade will always remember that you gave into her, dude. Shell never forget that you were born without a spine. Maybe instead of allowing her to take your cojones, you CONSCIOUSLY gave her power over you because your Interest Level is 90% and hers is significantly lower and youre scared of losing her. This is what most lily-livered guys do. Rather than take a stand, they think short-term and give in, like Chamberlain tried to appease Hitler when the Fuhrer started gobbling up everything around him.
I dont think Challenge is an issue here at all, my friend. Jeez Id love to turn invisible and sit in the corner and watch the interaction between you two lovebirds. Id be able to tell you in two or three minutes exactly whats going on. But as it is, I can only go by your version of events. If I were to take Jade out and get a couple glasses of wine into her, then Id get her side of the story. Maybe she would say that you dont hang the towels at the right angle or you leave dishes in the sink or she has to ask you 10 times to take out the trash.
Nevertheless, by your own admission Jade seems to be putting you down with a smile. And when you jump on her for being lazy, youre not doing it with a smile. I hope youre not making accusations out of the blue just to get her goat. When you get on her case youd better have some basis in fact for doing it. And then do it gently. As my cousin Rabbi Love says, Remember, this is supposed to be love, not war.
But one things for sure -- if youre calling Jade names for not making the bed and she wants to scrap with you over it, you guys are done. Finissimo. Wow. You two arent even married and youre going at it like cats and dogs over something so trivial? Thank God you dont have any kids! Like my cousin Brother Love says, If youre battling this much in the first four months of living in sin, its time to move out of Sin City!
Instead of dreaming up new head games to play with Jade, you should be playing the Yellow Pages game and booking a date for the Bekins moving company. You gave away your soul, Norris. And once a woman has you, you cant do a 180 and turn over a new leaf, and thats what youre trying to do here. What you have to do instead is find yourself a new girl, and next time learn to say NO.
The fact that youre waiting for Jade to end this fiasco shows that youre a coward. Why dont you suggest it, tough guy? Why not show her that youre a real man?
As far as respect is concerned, whats obvious to me is that this thing is totally one-sided. You respect her, and not vice-versa. And youre afraid of her, too, despite your protests to the contrary. Once a woman loses respect for you, its over. From that point on, all shes going to do is practice beating on you like she was trying out to be the drummer for the marching band.
Youre in a dream world, Norris. Its not going to work between you and Jade. It isnt working and it hasnt worked. You better wake up, but fast, before you get KOd.
Remember, guys: if she doesnt think you have a backbone, you will be the punching bag in the relationship.
© 2007, DocLove Dot Com
I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi Pirandello
Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Archives for 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, and 2000.
DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions from a mans perspective. So set your ego aside, learn to laugh at yourself, and visit www.doclove.com or E-Mail or call me at 800.404.2644 and I will give you a snappy answer to your silly love question one loaded with truth. You do what I say, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When I get done with you, you will need more security than Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, I promise to not use your real name, or give it out. All questions will be answered, but only the ones of general interest printed. Please be specific and dont ramble.
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon Clay
©1996-2019, Gordon Clay