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Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the
issue of Relationships. This section is the 2002 Archive of
DocLove's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. Doc
Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches
men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked
thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus
another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available
at www.doclove.com
DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions
from a man’s perspective. So, set your ego aside, learn
to laugh at yourself, and e-mail him at doclove@doclove.com
or call 800.404.2644 and he will give you a snappy answer to
your silly love question – one loaded with truth. You
do what he says, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When
he gets done with you, you will need more security than
Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, he promises
not to use your real name, or give it out. All questions
will be answered, but only the ones of general interest
printed. Please be specific and don’t ramble. Are You a
"Drifter" Who Never Falls in Love? Clumsy Questions Guaranteed to Derail
Your Date Oh man!!! I can't thank you enough, Doc! You’re amazing! I was skeptical in the beginning when I first started reading your articles on askmen.com. But I'll tell you, now that I’ve got your “System” I have to say it’s the best investment I’ve ever made. I was dating a lot, but I was just never getting past more than one or two dates with ANY woman. I didn’t even know how lost and confused I was. Now, it all makes sense. Everything that I was doing to try to raise their Interest Level was exactly the opposite of what you teach. I was being pushy, insecure, pressuring women and making them uncomfortable. I was trying to be what my idea of a “jerk" was because that's what it seemed to me that women really want. Nope. I get it now. What they really want is a gentleman who is a Challenge! I got your materials approximately 48 hours ago. I've already read half of the manual and plan to read the whole thing at least 6 times. I went out and bought a whiteboard and markers last night. I'm diagramming and taking notes, just like school. This is work, but I love it. At least I’m not stumbling around in the dark anymore. I've started to sit back and be patient. I have ceased complimenting women constantly. The transformation in me is almost funny to watch. I can already see positive results in my interactions with women. I'm trying to go slowly and be the patient man, but I want to put all of these principles into effect immediately. Somewhere along the way I lost confidence, control and the ability to be a Challenge. I don't know where, how, when, or why, but who cares? By the time I had read the first 20 pages of your manual, I felt the confidence returning, almost as if it was injected into my veins. I knew that I was in possession of a great tool. I'll compare it to the fountain of youth, a secret that men should be willing to kill for. The thing that really hit home for me right off the bat was what you teach about the stupid ignorant things that we guys tend to habitually say to women. The lines that we think are going to get us somewhere, but actually lower their Interest Level before the first date is even over. Now I’m watching and listening with new eyes and ears. That was me. I was the guy who would say, “So, have you ever had a one night stand?” to a girl and then wonder why she didn’t want to go out with me again. As you can tell, I’m walking on air with my new-found-wisdom, AND, if you have any extra examples of common lines that us guys tend to say to women that we think are romantic but are really a turn off, that would be extra cool. I want to learn as much as I can! Please feel free to use me as a reference anytime. Thank you! Ted – who wants to spread the joy Hey, Brother Ted, Congratulations. After years of needless suffering you’ve found the truth, and the truth has set you free. God bless the Internet. Some guys have to be spoon-fed the truth about women and relationships. Their egos won’t permit them to take it all in at once. These types need to go through a de-programming process before they can allow themselves to accept all of the concepts of “The System.” They’ve spent too much time either listening to Feminista propaganda OR, trying to be Mr. Macho Boy. Fortunately, these guys ARE coachable. Then there’s another type of guy. The poor miserable bastard who’s just too pig-headed to EVER get it. His ego is slowly strangling him. He won’t even consider that he needs to learn ANYTHING about women even though he keeps getting burned. He’s one of what I call one of “the lost souls.” He’d rather be RIGHT than be happy. Or, as Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men” would say to this guy, “You can’t handle the truth!” But YOU, my brother Ted, are on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. You LOVE the truth. You’re hungry for the truth. You were ripe and ready for a revelation and now you can’t get enough. You’re having what the Eastern mystics would call - an awakening. So relax, enjoy it and continue to be patient as the awakening process unfolds. All right, so you’d like some more examples of counter-productive cliches that guys like to use on women. Stupid lines that are guaranteed to sink your ship of love before you can even get the sails up. Ok. But first, let’s examine the one that you already mentioned; “So, have you ever had a one night stand?” Now is that a classy thing to say to a woman? Is that going to make her feel comfortable? As they say in Argentina, “No.” When you ask a woman that question, all it does is instantly make her think, “Oh God, here’s another horny dog who just wants to get into my pants.” You might as well just say, “So, are you a slut?” I think that a guy asks a woman that question hoping that she’ll say something like, “A one night stand? I LOVE one night stands. I can’t wait to have another!” And how often do you get that kind of answer? Maybe like, never(?) When asked the ‘one night stand’ question, a woman usually either just says “No” or at best she says. “Oh, I used to do that kind of thing but not any more.” The Bottom Line Factor says that any way you look at it, asking this question is only going to lower a woman’s Interest Level. To you Psych majors, it’s a big turn-off. Another question that guys will often ask a girl on a first date is: “So what type of guy do you usually go out with?” Now that’s a pitifully weak way of trying to evaluate a woman’s Interest Level in you. When a guy asks a woman that question, what he’s really asking is, “Am I your type?” which is a wimpy thing to ask. It’s just as bad as asking, “Do you like me?” Would a woman ever have romantic fantasies about a guy who asks her, “Do you like me?” Only if she’s a Feminista-control-freak. If any of you guys have any doubts that these clumsy questions aren’t a common phenomena in the dating scene, just watch “Blind Date” and the other dating shows on TV. For more examples and explanations of destructive dating clichés, Ted, finish studying “The System.” You’ll find plenty more there. Remember, guys, you’re more attractive to women when
you don’t ask stupid questions. The Proper Execution of the 'First
Kiss' Hi Doc, I have a problem that I need some help with. I don’t know how many other guys have trouble with this. But even though it’s kind of embarrassing, I’ll just tell you what it is, in hopes that you can help me out. The thing is, I never know where, when and even exactly how to first kiss a girl, any girl who I’m out on a date with. Once I get past that first kiss and I know that she’s attracted to me, I’m fine. But it’s that first, potentially awkward kiss that I really have trouble with. I’m not good with timing at all and it seems like there are so many ways to get it wrong. I’ve had some bad experiences in the past where, when I went for the kiss, my date said something like, “What are you doing?!” and seemed offended. I’ve also had more than a few experiences where the girl would kiss me back but almost reluctantly or with a kind of feeling like she was just being polite and then she would like change the subject and start asking me questions about something un-related. At those times I’ve always felt like I just didn’t do it right, like if I had been more suave and sophisticated that I would have gotten a better response. So, do you have any tips on the proper execution of the first kiss? There are so many questions that come to mind on the topic. How long should you wait before you make your move? Should you always give her a nice compliment before you go for it? How do you know when the timing is right? Besides making sure that your breath is fresh (which I do) are there any other crucial do’s and don’t’s that you recommend? Please let me know what you know about this Doc. I respect your wisdom. Clint – who needs some pointers Hey Clint, No reason to be sheepish about your question. You might feel like you’re the only guy on the planet who has this dilemma, but you’re not, at all! Most guys are confused about these very same issues, at least at some time in their lives. Why? Because good mentors and role models for proper deportment with women are hard to come by. Some guys have a natural, effortless mastery with women, but they are a minority. And most of the guys who ARE highly skilled and confident with women aren’t usually motivated to take the time and caring to help other men become more successful with women. The way most of us learn how to ‘do it right’ is by trial and error – lots of error and always on trial. All right Clint. Here is some priceless information that will make a big difference for you. The number one rule of proper first kiss execution, is that you must be certain that you have built a strong sense of COMFORT for your date BEFORE you make your move. She doesn’t HAVE to be in an altered state of blissful romantic anticipation, but she MUST feel physically and emotionally comfortable with you in general and particularly at the moment of truth. Things that diminish a woman’s comfort level are: any talk of sex or comments about her body, staring at her breasts, complaints about ex-girlfriends, driving too fast, an environment that’s too hot or too cold or unsafe in any way, a lack of privacy, loud noises, obnoxious room mates, creepy insects, bothersome pets, and a dirty,dusty house, to name a few things. Talking about anything negative, whether it’s how much you hate your boss or the last horror flick you saw, is also going to make her uncomfortable. The way you build comfort is by keeping the conversation positive and light and by getting her to laugh as much as you can. Also keep in mind that as you’re about to go for it, YOU may not feel comfortable at all. But that’s normal. After all, YOU’RE the one who’s about to risk rejection, not her. But all that really matters is that SHE feels comfortable. SHE has to feel comfortable or forget it. The other crucial key to proper first kiss execution is: DON’T SAY ANYTHING. The easiest way to appear suave and sophisticated when you first make your move is to do it in silence. For instance, say that you and your date are sipping tea on her couch after the two of you have been out for a lovely meal. Try to get a couple of good one liners into the conversation if you can. Then make sure that she’s finished saying anything she might have been sharing with you, give her a big smirk of a smile, and then silently and sweetly, lay one on her. Don’t try to justify your actions with a compliment. Don’t try to excuse or explain what you’re about to do. Don’t try to motivate her by telling her much you like her. Don’t ask her permission to kiss her, which she will perceive as weak and begging (unless her Interest Level is off the chart from the get-go) Remember, the classic male archetype of women’s romantic fantasies is “The strong SILENT type.” As my Uncle Jethro Love used to say, “You can’t wind up saying something that lowers her Interest Level OR her comfort level if you simply don’t speak at all, now can you?” So be Mr. Nike, and without a word - just do it. Sometimes that first kiss happens magically and effortlessly, as if you and your date were actors in a romantic film with all the elements in perfect alignment. But more often, things don’t flow so perfectly. Many times, going for that first kiss is like trying to change the dust bag on an old Hoover, no matter how careful you are, things get a bit messy. That’s OK. If the Interest Level is there, she’ll be happy that you went for it, regardless of any lack of elegance in your approach. To you Psych majors, when they like you, they help you AND they give you the benefit of the doubt. Clint, If you had told me that all women whom you try to kiss, respond negatively to you, then I’d really have to grill you to find out what you were consistently doing to turn them all off. But since you are reporting that some women DO respond positively to your overtures, then I’d say that the only problem with those other women was that they simply had low Interest Level. I think you’ve been judging yourself too harshly. It’s normal to be rejected more often than you’re accepted by women. Dating is a numbers game and that’s just the way the game works. It’s not that unusual for a woman to respond in a non-enthusiastic manner when you give her the smooch test, but the next one just might suck your tongue out of your head. So after you’ve tried my suggestions, Clint, write me back. I’m certain you’ll have some better experiences to report. And the next time a woman whom you’ve just kissed for the first time acts offended and says to you, “What are you doing?” just tell her, “I’m trying to bring a little sunshine into your life.” Remember, guys, always make certain that she’s
comfortable before you make your move. Is Talking on the Phone
Anti-Challenge? Hey Doc, I met Miss Right about three months ago, and we hit it off quickly. She told me she didn’t want to play games and that she believed in being totally honest. So I told her the truth, that I hadn’t dated in quite awhile and that I was very available. Well, wouldn’t you know it, she lost interest in me after I told her that. She went from about 85% Interest Level in me to probably about 40%. So, I got your book a few weeks ago, and even though I thought it was probably a lost cause, I started to apply some of the principles of “The System” with her. Well, I have to tell you that your stuff works because the next time we went out she was all over me. It went so well that we made plans to go kayaking in two weeks. I called her a few days later just to talk. She said she was too busy to talk but she told me to call her on Thursday. I called her on Thursday and I asked her if she wanted to go out before our little trip. She said - yes - she had Monday off, so I said “Good, we’ll go out then.” Then I called her on Sunday just to confirm things for Monday and to chat for awhile, hoping that I could raise her Interest Level a little more before we went out the next day. We talked for about 45 minutes about all kinds of things, and I got her to laugh a few times too. So, we got together the next day and things seemed to be OK but she wasn’t all over me like the last time. I guess I must have done something to lower her Interest Level again, but I don’t know what that was. What did I do wrong Doc, and what would you say should be my next move? Carlos – who wants to know what to do now Hi Carlos, Let’s start at the beginning of your story and work our way through it. First of all, whenever a woman tells you that she doesn’t want to play games, you can bet your sweet bippy that the games have already begun. In fact, your odds of finding any woman who doesn’t play games are about as good as finding a ten-year-old who’s never heard of Harry Potter. Your initial mistake, Carlos, was that you fell for this girl’s rap, decided to be “honest” and let her know that you hadn’t had a date since Michael Jackson had a nose. You thought that this gesture of “honesty” would raise her Interest Level in you, but of course it didn’t. To you Psych majors, she got turned off when he did what she said she wanted. Fortunately, Carlos, you started studying “The System” and you changed course. Just remember, for the future; never buy into this “you can be honest with me” crap from a female. They’ll always penalize you for doing it. And they’ll always deny that they penalize you for doing it. It’s great that you’re gaining an understanding of the importance of doing things to raise a woman’s Interest Level, Carlos. But, you’re still going about it all wrong! You need to read and study ALL of the materials. The way that you raise a woman’s Interest Level is by being a Challenge. Now, Carlos, ask yourself, would a guy who is a Challenge be calling a girl every few days to chat with her like one of her girlfriends? Would a guy who is an unpredictable wildman be dutifully dialing up the woman he is wooing according to the schedule she has dictated to him? If Alexander Graham Bell knew what blunders men would make with his invention, he would have scrapped the whole idea. The telephone should be used only for making dates. That’s it. If she wants to talk more after you’ve made your plans with her, tell her to save the conversation for the date. Also, once you’ve made a date with a girl, do not call her for another date before you go out on the date that you last arranged with her, unless you want her to think of you as a needy Loser who hasn’t scored since the 90’s. The best thing to do now, Carlos, is wait a full two weeks to call her. When you do, commit to keeping the conversation down to less than five minutes. Then, when you’re out with her, keep her laughing and only do things that a guy who is a Challenge would do. Remember, guys, talking on the phone is
anti-Challenge If She's Seeing Someone Else, Why Is
She So Available? Hi Doc, I have a two-part question for you: 1) I recently developed a mad crush on a woman and to find out what my chances are, I sent her flowers at work. She genuinely seemed to appreciate the gesture, but she told me she had "just started" seeing someone else -- though she said she'd be willing to go out for coffee with me. Is she just being nice, or could she be leaving a door open? Might she even be lying about "seeing someone else" to distance herself a little while she decides whether she's interested in me or not? 2) I am a fairly good poet, and this woman has inspired me to write what I think is my best, most romantic love poem ever. On the one hand I'd like to share it with her, in the hopes it may melt her heart (it's that good); on the other hand I'm afraid it may creep her out by making her think I'm desperate and obsessed. Any thoughts? Max – who wants to know if he is on the right track Hi Max, Instead of flowers you should have sent her an engagement ring. Why waste time, Max, everyone knows that women hate Challenge. To you Psyche majors, I’m being facetious. I look at Elle Magazine, and I have crushes on all of the models with blonde hair and bee stung lips. But guess what? Women do the choosing. And, Max, the guy that a hot blonde chooses isn’t the guy who comes on heavy with flowers and love poems. And she certainly doesn’t choose the guy who comes on heavy with flowers and love poems before he’s even had a first date with her (unless he’s a rock star.) Yes, of course, she appreciated your floral gesture, Max. All women, even Feministas like flowers. But the question of life is: does she like YOU. If flowers created true Interest Level, guys would be handing out bunches of them in front of modeling agencies all day long. A stronger approach would have been to just ask this gal for her home number rather than sending her roses. When you ask a woman for her home phone number you reveal that you have interest in her. But by only asking for her phone number without coming on heavy with compliments or gifts, you maintain a sense of Challenge and mystery. Since you’re the man, Max, it’s your job to be the initiator. You have to come on first. But The System says, “You do it in a very minimal way.” Get it? Yes, Max, the odds are that she WAS just being nice when she said she was “willing” to have coffee with you. Might she even be lying about "seeing someone else" to distance herself a little while she decides whether she's interested in you? Girls with high Interest Level don’t deceive you, and they don’t need time to decide. Ok, so her Interest Level in you doesn’t seem to be very high at this point. But I’m going to give you some tactics that will raise her Interest Level in you IF it can be raised. Remember, if her Interest Level in you is below 50%, it won’t matter what we try. But if it’s above 50% we have a shot. So here are some cool moves you can make. Ask her out for coffee, but wait 2 weeks before you do, because by this time, odds are, the other guy will be lowering her Interest Level. This move will also throw her off because she will have been expecting you to jump on her offer like an eager beaver. We have to be unpredictable and gain some ground because of the flowers fiasco. Now the rule is that you never talk of other women, but in this case, because we have to bump off the competition, we’re going to make an exception. When she asks you about your love life, tell her that women stalk you after a few dates. When she asks you why, say: “I don’t know, it’s like a blessing and a curse,” and then wink at her like the cat that just ate the canary. And finally, Max, if you haven’t gotten the message about sappy poetry yet, allow me to reiterate: do not give her any love poems unless you want her to think of you as a little puppy dog looking for a home. As my cousin, Fast Eddy Love, would say, “if her heart needs melting, begging ain’t gonna to do it. But when you use Challenge instead, then you’ve got some heat workin for you.” Remember, guys, always do what is right. Finding Ms Right on the Internet Hi Doc! I’m 28 years old and without bragging or exaggerating, I can tell you that I am very pretty and I get hit on several times a week. But just for fun I decided that I would be adventurous and see what type of guy I might meet if I tried Internet dating. Let me tell you about my experience on matchmaker.com. In the first week of my membership I received 700+ letters. It would be just about impossible to respond to all of them, even if I wanted to. I am trying hard to be honest with those guys that I do not have a high Interest Level in, but they do not always make it easy! Some guys get really upset when I don't respond. One guy wouldn't stop sending letters to me, so I blocked his mail and he opened a new account to bypass it! Out of all the guys who have sent me mail I have gone on about four dates, and out of those, one seems promising. The guys that I have responded to have a certain kind of look that I’m into. (I only respond to profiles that include a photo.) They also demonstrate qualities of class and confidence in what they write about themselves. But the things that a lot of these guys do are unbelievable. I got an interesting reply today, a small novel that was way too intimate. I just can't fathom how these guys think they will succeed when their methods are so wacko! Maybe you can give men some guidance specifically on Internet dating and help them to stop doing things that turn women off. Reva – who wants to help you educate guys Hi Reva, Before we get to help the guys, I must first bust you on your Womanese. A woman who looks like you could walk into a Muslim mosque and get more propositions in ten minutes than the average guy gets in his entire lifetime. If you received 700+ responses in one week, you’re not “pretty,” you’re BEAUTIFUL. Also, when you say that you decided to try Internet dating just for fun, I don’t think you were being totally honest. What you really meant (I’m the first man in 6000 years to be able to decipher the secret vernacular of females) was that since you haven’t met the kind of guy whom you’d like to connect with at work, clubs, parties or the gym, you were hoping that the Internet might be a more efficient resource for finding Mr. Right. So you didn’t do it just for fun did you? But thank you for sharing your story with us. You have given us an interesting insight into the foxy female’s Internet experience and we can definitely learn from it. First of all, guys, realize that any beautiful woman who has posted a picture on an Internet dating site is indeed going to be deluged with responses. A total of 700+ e-mails in a gorgeous babe’s in-box during her first week of membership are not an uncommon occurrence. Since she can’t possibly read all the bios, what does she do? She screens by checking the photos. She goes by physical appearance. (This is one way in which guys and gals are alike.) Knowing that she first screens by appearance highlights the necessity for having a photo that shows you at your best. So, I highly recommend that you spend the time and money on a professional photo session. It’s worth it if you’re serious about Internet dating. When you embark on the Internet dating adventure, guys, you need to have a realistic awareness of the odds that you face. Even on the dating sites with the highest ratio of women to men, we’re still talkin only about 45% kitty cats to 55% dogs. And any woman who is reasonably attractive will receive hundreds of responses. Whereas, the average guy will receive about one or two unsolicited responses from women every so often, unless, of course, he looks like George Clooney. Now let me emphasize that when you initiate contact with a female member of an Internet dating service, you cannot be emotionally attached to whether or not you hear back from her. Say for instance, that you find a woman’s profile with a headline that says: “CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I’M LOOKING FOR A MAN WHO IS 6’6’’+, SPEAKS PORTUGUESE AND LOVES TO SURF ALASKA. LOOKS AREN’T IMPORTANT!” You are taller than Shaquille O’Neil is; you have a Masters degree in Portuguese and every summer you shoot the curl on the coast of the 49th state. You politely inform this gal that, amazingly, you fit her criteria perfectly. But, to your astonishment you never hear back from her. In such a case, do not send more e-mail saying: “Hey, why didn’t you write me back?” Instead, simply remember this principle: Women will tell you what they want, but 99.999% of them are incapable of telling you what they will actually respond to. And besides, begging never raises Interest Level. It’s definitely a numbers game on the net. So don’t waste her time or yours by sending a long letter when you first correspond. Certainly don’t send her a small novel (which she experiences as pressure). And absolutely do not send her a small EROTIC novel. Mentioning sex in any way is guaranteed to get you instantly rejected, unless she’s a biker broad. Instead, just pop off a quick note that says something like: “Hi Caprice, I enjoyed reading your profile, and I liked your picture. Check out mine and write me back if you think there’s potential.” Always apply the principles of “The System” whenever you are pitching a woman on the Net. Keep it short and sweet. Since you’ll get somewhere between 1-2 responses for every 10 that you send out, and half of those will be rejections, send out messages to several gals. If you keep trolling and you’re persistent, you’ll wind up with some quality leads. Remember, guys, dating on the Net is a numbers game. Do Real Men say, "I love
you." Dear Doc, I have been a student of "The System" for about six months now, and my romantic life has improved immeasurably. It has also taught me a great deal about where I've gone wrong in the past. Looking back on past failures, and looking forward in the hope of avoiding future failures, I have a question about one of your key concepts -- CHALLENGE. I think I understand how to apply Challenge in the first sixty days and beyond that into the first four or five months of a relationship. (For the first sixty days, keep 'em guessing if you like them, then, keep them guessing about how much you like them). But what happens to CHALLENGE once the relationship has been acknowledged as serious and long-term by both the man and the woman? What happens after the "I love you's" have been said? What happens after you get married or just move in together? When I look back at failed relationships, using the principles of The System as my guide, I am amazed at how accurate The System is in explaining my initial successes and my subsequent failures. Time and again -- without even realizing it -- I've presented a "Challenge" to the woman for the first sixty days -- and sometimes for several months after that. But there always comes a point, after we've moved in together, where I've lost all concept of Challenge and where things have become predictable and stale, or where I've lost whatever sense of mystery I might have had. That's when her Interest Level has started to sink. My question to you, Doc, is: what are some examples of how Challenge can be applied over a long-term relationship? Once she knows you have high Interest Level, and that you're going to be around indefinitely, how do you apply Challenge? How do you remain mysterious or aloof when you're living under the same roof? How do you get her to continue chasing you, if you're waking up in the same bed together month after month? She knows you're going to be her date on Friday and Saturday night because you've been involved for eight months and you're living together -- or you’re married! So how do you remain a Challenge? Willis - who realizes the importance of Challenge and wants to keep it going over the long haul Hi Willis, Let me help you out here. Even though you and a woman may be living together, either as lovers or as husband and wife, you need not “lose all concept of Challenge.” It is certainly possible to maintain a sense of mystery and Challenge over the long haul. Let’s get right to the heart of the matter and address one of the stickiest, trickiest and most ‘challenging’ Challenge problems that arise in a long-term relationship. I’m talking about the confrontation that can make a 6’4’’ Navy Seal commando shiver with fear and trepidation. Yes, I mean the dreaded “I love you” problem. All serious students of The System know that you, the man, should never be the first to say, “I love you.” And it’s best that once your honey whispers those three lovely words to you, you do not immediately reciprocate. You can’t be a Pavlovian dog who automatically responds to stimulus. Anyway, it’s unnatural for a man to say such things. Would Clint Eastwood be caught dead saying something so syrupy? Would rapper Ice-T ever speak in such a sissified manner? Would the Terminator even talk at all except to strike terror into the hearts of his adversaries? The point I’m getting to is that one of the most powerful ways that you can maintain a sense of Challenge in your long-term relationship is to say “I love you” ONLY OCCASIONALLY. You can say it to your woman once on the day you get married to her and then again when she’s just had your baby. And of course, if something happens to her, like she gets hit by a truck and is recovering in the hospital, that’s also a time to tell her. Otherwise, the best way to let a woman know that you love her is through your actions, not your words. Your physical presence tells her that you are committed while your silence keeps up the Challenge factor. If you have a good woman who truly loves you, she will tell you that she loves you often. Let her do it. You can smile and grunt with delight and hug her and hold her when she does, but it’s best that you don’t say anything. Even though she may complain that you don’t say “I love you” back, in the grand scheme of things, she’ll be happier because her romantic Interest Level in you will stay much higher than if you were dutifully parroting those words back to her whenever she said them to you. Now I know what you’re thinking. Women don’t let up. What the hell do you do when your gal really puts on the pressure because she hasn’t heard the “L” word from you in months? Well, here’s a tip. Try this. Say, “All right, Sweetheart, I’m going to make a big deposit in your love bank right now that should last for months and months.” Then playfully say, “I love you I love you I love you I love you …….” a total of about thirty times or so. Or you can say, with a twinkle in your eye “Honey, didn’t you marry me because you knew I was the strong SILENT type? You wouldn’t want me to change myself now just to get your approval would you? How could you respect me if I did?” When the going gets tough, diffuse the situation with ambiguity and humor. You can do it! If you employ this romantic strategy while continuing to give your mate plenty of affection, her Interest Level will remain high and she’ll never leave you. Remember, guys, in a long-term relationship, keep your
heart open and your mouth shut. Should You Marry an Overeight
Woman? Dear Doc Love, I’ve checked out several of your articles and I must tell you that I am appalled at what I’ve read. You seem to think that any woman who isn’t anorexic is not worth the time of day. What’s with you? You make fun of Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell for being overweight, and then you praise skinny women with plastic breasts. Did you ever consider that perhaps Rosie and Oprah are the size they are because that’s the way nature made them? Why should they starve themselves for men’s approval? Many loving sweet kind women are overlooked because they don’t fit your of rigid standards of beauty. I encourage you to check out the following facts and figures: There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only a handful who do.
And even though I know that you’ll laugh at this, I’m including a little poem for you Doc, as food for thought.
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes Because that is the doorway to her heart The place where love lies The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul
Lucinda – who thinks that you are a total bigot Doc Love Dear Lucinda, The Bible says that gluttony is a sin. But when I watch overweight preachers on TV Sunday morning they speak only of the other six deadly sins. Why? Because in America, fat is sacred. Yesterday I saw an obese woman using a cane to waddle her way through the supermarket because she couldn’t carry her own weight. With her tree trunk calves and her tiny feet in her tiny shoes, she looked like a 747 sporting Volkswagen tires. Now, Lucinda, I know what you would say about her. You’d say she’s not responsible for her slovenly, self-destructive eating habits. She can’t and need not control how much she eats. She should be able to look however she wants and not be judged on her appearance. And everyone knows that it wouldn’t be politically correct to criticize her. Well I don’t care how much the various “full figured” gals may glorify their excess poundage. Fat is not beautiful and, more importantly, it’s not healthy. Overweight people are at risk for diabetes, heart attacks, high blood pressure and wearing out the living room carpet before its time. Food is meant to be used for fuel, not as a way to escape life’s problems. When a man picks a potential long-term partner, he must first look at her Interest Level. Then through the process of dating, he should evaluate her habits and attitudes. Does she have integrity? Is she a giver or a taker? Is she structured or flexible? Is she self-reliant? Is she a functioning adult? Does she practice self-control or is she run by her emotions? And does she have any unhealthy habits or addictions like, drugs, tobacco or FOOD! Most importantly, I want men to pick women who are not overweight for partners so they will raise the kids to be healthy and not have eating disorders. Statistics show that if the parents are overweight, 90% of the time the kids also turn out to have weight problems. Lucinda, please allow me to clear up something. I’ve never said that all women should be model thin. Nature has made both ectomorphs and endomorphs of both genders. And each body type has its corresponding healthy weight range (and unhealthy weight range.) Additionally, different men have different tastes in women. Some men prefer medium sized gals and some get excited about gals who are on the hefty side. America is a free country and to each his own. But the Reality Factor says that the majority of men prefer women who are not overweight. Like it or not Lucinda, that’s the way it is on the street, just as women prefer wealthy men to guys who are on welfare. Lucinda, let’s get real. Be honest. Imagine that you had a friend who was trying to set you up with a handsome, charming fellow who weighed 300 pounds and would crush a camel if he tried to ride one. When you told your friend (as you surely would) that “he’s just not my type,” would you be any different from a guy who rejects a pretty girl because she’s the same height and weight as Oprah? By the way, the reason that models now weigh 23% less than the average woman instead of 8% less is because the average woman is now 15% heavier than she was 20 years ago. The models aren’t getting thinner. People are getting fatter! Government statistics report that over 40% of the population are clinically overweight. To you Psych majors – they’re obese. Now you’ve provided us with another interesting statistic Lucinda. Seven out of ten women get bummed out when they look at fashion magazines. But curiously, women don’t seem to feel depressed, guilty and shameful enough when they look at those magazines to stop buying those magazines. Now here is a poem for you, Lucinda: Roses are red, violets are blue. If you want your girlfriend to look like Oprah, just have her eat like her too. Remember, guys, if she’s fat now, just wait until
after you’ve said “I do.” Dear Doc Love: I had to comment on the advice you gave to your guys about the woman who refuses to give out her phone number which, you say, shows her low Interest Level. I don't agree that that means she must have a low level of interest. I would never give out my phone number without first getting to know the person. You never asked whether the woman had possibly been subjected to repeated phone calls and messages left on her answering machine. Why should anyone have to change their phone number? You said that a woman is supposed to take chances for a guy she's dying to see but the guy isn’t supposed to take chances. You say that if she’s not flexible, she's out, period. What happened to a guy being flexible? You’re telling men to size up women as if they’re purchasing a car. Why don't you start by teaching people to respect one another? This isn't a battle. It’s a date. Mary Angela - who thinks you, should be going for anger management, not giving out advice Hi Mary Angela, Speaking of car purchases, I just sold my Toyota truck to buy my PT Crusier. (The Toyota was in perfect condition and I had all the maintenance records.) I love statistics so I kept track of the potential buyers who called. The 17th caller bought the truck but the first 16 had a lot in common. They all asked a lot of questions. Some said they would call back when they had time to come over to see it but never did. Some made appointments to come over to drive it and never showed up. A few drove the truck but for some reason – “I don’t have any money” was the best – did not buy it. One buyer called every other day to find out if I had sold it, but he somehow never had the time to come over and take a look at it. The guy who bought it – No. 17 – did something the others didn’t. He asked no questions over the phone except, “What’s your address? I’ll be there in 20 minutes.” He came over, drove it for a couple of miles and handed me the cash (not a check.) As you can see, I had to weed through sixteen lookyloos and strokers. Sixteen bored and lonely people who entertained themselves by wasting my time. The odds in dating should be so good. The point is: only number seventeen had high Interest Level. “The System” is an efficiency program. It filters out the Low Interest Looky-loos, the Feministas, the Psychos, the Controllers, the Golddiggers, and the Professional Daters. It shows men who the REAL women are. How? By teaching the fine art and science of observing and interpreting women’s actions. Now allow me to point out, Mary Angela, that you are seriously deluded when you say that I think that a man shouldn’t take chances in dating. On the contrary, if a man endeavors to be successful in dating he must be prepared to take risks constantly. It’s the man who has to put his ego on the line in every phase of the dating process. It’s the man who must approach the woman, strike up a conversation and make her laugh. It’s the man who has to ask for her home phone number. It’s the man who must call the woman and ask her out. It’s the man who must make the move for the first kiss. He faces rejection constantly, at every turn. All that the woman must do is show up and look good. Without ever once risking rejection in her entire lifetime she can still have her choice of thousands of men to date. Every day, tens of thousands of men dutifully face rejection from women and are given no credit for it by women. Women expect men to take all the risks of initiating and consider it men’s job to do so. Ask any woman if she’d like to trade places with men and the ones who answer honestly will all tell you “No thanks.” Often they’ll add something like; “Oh I tried that. I took the initiative and asked a guy out once, and he didn’t like it. I think that men are threatened when a woman is aggressive. I’ll never try that again.” They get rejected ONCE and then give up forever. Besides that, they blame the guy. If guys chickened out so easily no one would ever have any dates! If a guy asks two women at a club for their home phone numbers and one gives it to him, but the other says, “It’s better if I call you,” which woman is he more likely to have a relationship with? If a guy asks two women at a party for their home phone numbers and one gives it to him and the other says, “Give me your business card,” which one is he more likely to go the distance with? My students are taught to call twice and then if the woman does not accept and keep a date, to throw her number away. Apparently, Mary Angela, you’ve had some bad experiences, but not with my boys because you would have been history before they never called. Remember, guys, dating is a numbers game. Hi Doc, My name is Tom and I have a problem with a girl that I have been seeing. My wife of 12 years had passed away ten months ago and I am now forcing myself to start dating again. I met Dana through a mutual friend, so she was aware that I am a widower, and she already knows about some of my past. I went out with her a few times and we really hit it off. The problem is that after the second date she tells me that she has been “seeing” someone for two years. Before we even went on a date I specifically asked if she had a boyfriend and she said “no.” She continued to tell me that she was unhappy with her boyfriend because he had previously cheated on her for a year. After that they broke up, but he eventually talked her into getting back together. She also said that he’s always too busy for her and that she is tired of always being last on his list. I have heard that her parents hate this boyfriend and a lot of her friends have stopped talking to her because of him. I told her that if her dating me was becoming a problem for her that I was willing to just be friends. Her reply was that she was confused and didn’t know how long we could last as just friends. Besides that, she would always wonder what it would be like to be a couple with me. The last time I saw her she came over to my house after being stood up by the boyfriend and was all over me, so I know that there is some type of attraction. But lately I feel that I am being treated as second fiddle to the boyfriend. It seems that she’s calling the shots and will only see me when the boyfriend isn’t around, and it seems like I am the one who does all of the calling. I do think that I screwed up on the first few times that I was with her, because I was trying to sell myself to her that I was the better choice, so I told her that I really liked her and I then sent her flowers. I know that those were mistakes from reading your materials but I want to see if I can do something right now to become a Challenge to her. I really like her and would like to win her over. I just bought your program but I need some advice right away before I do something else stupid. Thanks, Tom – who is still learning Hi Tom, You can say that again, you are definitely still learning. Never tell a woman whom you’re attracted to that you’re willing to just be friends. It’s a pathetically weak and wimpy thing to do. But let’s back up. This girl is easier to read than a stop sign. Right out of the chute she gave you a giant red flag. You asked her if she had a boyfriend and she told you that she didn’t. Then when you saw her again she told you that she DID have a boyfriend! So, Tom before you even had your first date with her she lied to you. She’s a liar. That right there is enough to disqualify her as a potential partner. And here you are now, getting all emotionally psyched up about her. You’d never go into business with a liar, why would you consider pursuing a romantic relationship with one? Use some common sense dude! And I’ll tell you something else, Tom; she’s not confused. You’re the one who’s confused. She’s got you completely bamboozled and you've signed up for all of it. This gal Dana is obviously a phony and a stroker. She throws you a bone to get you hooked and gives you a glimmer of hope so she can keep you around as her butler and therapist. But the way things have played out so far, I’d say there’d be peace in the Middle East before you’ll ever be lovers with this chick. Tom, she’s not worth trying to win over. But if you’d like to use her to practice at being strong with a woman instead of weak, I’ll tell you what you can do. Just as an experiment, become a Negative Challenge to her like her boyfriend is. Stand her up, put her down and boss her around. That’ll get her hooked on you, but you won’t want to keep what you wind up with. Remember, guys, she cannot teach your kids to be honest
if she doesn’t know how. Can a Woman Love You Without Touching You? Hey Doc, Is it normal for a couple to make love once every four to five months? I could easily make love everyday, but my wife of twelve years has lost interest. She claims it's a side effect of the medicine she takes for panic attacks, but in reality, her interest in sex went away a few years before the medicine. At that time, her excuse for her lack of interest was the panic attacks themselves (Catch-22?). She claims that she loves me, but I sometimes wonder if that’s really the case. What do you think, Doc? Terry – who wants to know if she can ever get back in the mood Hey Ter, I bet you’re hearing these lines: “Please, Terry, is that all you think of?” “We just did it four months ago!” “Have you been looking at those movies again?” “Don’t touch me!” Even a cold cat likes to be stroked – so what’s her excuse? No offense, guy, but if you have to ask the first question from your letter, then you don’t know what normal is. Don’t you think that some wives out there still chase hubby around the dining room table when the kids are away, even after twelve years of cloying sameness? I’m telling you that such women do exist! On the other hand, I know there are millions of miserably married men out there who rationalize their loveless lives because of their three brats and their 30-year house loan. You’re not alone in your ignorance of healthy relationships, Ter. Your wife blames her medication for her deep freeze mode, but you said her problem began years before. Can you see the convenient consistency in her two excuses? In both cases, she doesn’t have to touch you. Yes Ter, she did put you into a Catch-22 situation. The great thing about her health excuse is that you become the ogre if you try to be intimate with her. She may even end up saying that you are the cause of her panic attacks! In fact, I would venture to say that panic attacks aren’t your wife’s real problem - attacks of Low Interest Level are! To be sure about her actual degree of feelings for you, here’s a test you can use. Ask yourself if she has ever done any of the following for you: 1. Put her arms around you and/or kissed you for no reason 2. Complimented you on your looks 3. Sat very close to you at a restaurant or on the couch at home 4. Gave you a massage – in other words, has she ever been all over you? If she hasn’t, you may have married a Professional Dater – a woman who marries in spite of her low Interest Level. Why are the above gestures so important? Because they show affection - the natural result of high Interest Level - which in a happy marriage, leads to lovemaking. No matter what her physical condition may be, a clinically sane woman with high Interest Level in her husband (or in any other guy), can always express affection. But when her Interest Level is in the dumps, this task becomes too uncomfortable for her to accomplish. Because a woman with high Interest Level would do anything to please you, she would show you affection even if she were lying in a hospital bed in a body cast! Seriously, Ter – can’t you see that a woman who really loved you would be willing to come up with some kind of love compromise? Unless you left some important details out of your question, Ter, I’d say your wife is unwilling to work with you toward a solution – which means that your marriage is in a tailspin. Sorry, guy. Ter – You have a lot of soul-searching to do. You must determine whether or not your moral and religious background says you must stay with a woman who does not love you. If you do stay, wear a happy face and be sweet to her – especially in front of your kids, if you have any. Remember guys, happily married women with high Interest
Level don’t nag, get headaches, or ever refuse a
kiss! Stop Chatting and Ask for the
Home Phone Number! Hey Doc, A waitress I like works at a restaurant I go to a lot. I gave her my business card and on a couple of occasions after that, we spoke about going out sometime. She was very open to the idea. Before leaving town for a holiday, she gave me her cell phone number. I called her and we had a nice chat. When she got back, we talked a little about her vacation while I was at the restaurant. Later that evening, we had a long chat over the phone. I eventually called her and asked her out. She responded by asking, “Why me?” I explained that I wanted to get to know her better. When I mentioned that we would go to the theatre, she seemed to like the idea. She then asked me when I needed to know for certain whether or not she could go because she wasn’t sure about the whole thing and wanted to think it over very carefully. I said that the earlier she told me the better because I was getting the tickets and I wanted the best seats. She called me the next night to say that she had thought a lot about my offer, and though she would love to go to the theatre, she had to respectfully decline. She was sorry for disappointing me, but she didn’t think it was a good idea to mix business and pleasure. I told her that I understood and I respected her wishes. She thanked me a lot for being so understanding and that very few men were as understanding as I was. We carried on a while longer, having a whole other chat. Though we didn’t go out, she was very nice and decent about the whole thing. All in all, I think things ended nicely. What do you think, Doc? Frederick – who wants to know what his next move is Hi Frederick, If you were only interested in a chatting partner, then things went great, but if you were looking for a girlfriend, I’d say you failed miserably. Chatting was all you ever did with this girl, Frederick. Well, at least no one could ever accuse you of coming on too heavy! You remind me of certain salesmen from my selling days who could put on a beautiful presentation but never close the deal. Chatting is fine when you lack crucial details about a woman (like her name) but after a while, the chatting has to cease and you have to ask for the order – the woman’s home phone number. Notice that I said: ask for her home phone number - not her work number or cell phone number. Why? Because only the home phone number demonstrates sufficient female Interest Level; the other numbers are meant to appease you and keep you at arm’s length (not to mention that they are prone to problems such as sudden disconnections due to angry bosses or freeway overpasses). So, as you can see, Frederick; you asked what your second move was, when in reality, you had not even made your first move. But neglecting to ask for her home phone number wasn’t your only error. Giving this lady your business card and repeatedly talking about going out (before actually making a date) also hurt your cause. Women love confidence. But when a man tries to broach the subject of dating by dropping hints, it makes him appear timid. Rightly or wrongly, she perceives his business cards and his nebulous suggestions to “go out sometime” as cowardly measures to avoid her disapproval. As a man, you must have the guts to brave rejection and ask the woman out directly. You must act as if her opinion doesn’t affect you. In fact, it doesn’t. Why not? Because you only care about finding that lucky woman who has high Interest Level in you; you’re not trying to get the approval of every woman in town. Before you think I will only devote space in my column to pick on you, Frederick, let me say that your girl’s record isn’t clean either. First, she threw you a curve ball when she asked, “Why me?” It’s hard to find a better indicator of low Interest Level than a girl playing dumb after you ask her out. I’ll bet she even fluttered her eyelashes for dramatic effect! Then she said to you: “I need to think it over very carefully.” You only asked her out to the theatre, not to move to Mongolia! This girl gets an “A” in Women’s Stalling Techniques 101. “Needing to think” about going out on a date is Womanese for: “I’ve already forgotten about it!” Then she added, “Thank you for your understanding,” Which was Womanese for: “Thank you for not going berserk on me like the last guys I tricked.” First, she waits until the absolute last minute to tell you she never had high Interest Level in you - then she thanks you for excusing her behavior through your words. You made her work so easy! This is a good example of, as the column title states: “Women Don’t Lie – Men Don’t Listen.” By settling for this girl’s cell phone number instead of her home phone number, and for chats instead of a real date, you swallowed this girl’s hooks whole! And being the big fish that you are, Frederick, you kept biting - hoping that eventually, she would pull you into her love boat. Instead, you ended up on a tramp steamer. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “She worked you over good, boy!” It’s truly shocking how you were so pleased over nothing, Frederick - but that’s why I was put on earth: to make sure that you good guys out there never get confused or rejected again! As for your next move, Frederick, flush that number down the toilet where it belongs, eat at another restaurant, and only chat with the women who date you! Remember, guys – in sales or in dealing with women,
you’ve got to “Close, close, close.” The Power of Feminine Grace Dear Doc Love, I am a woman who has been around the block at least once, and I just have to tell you that I think your advice is very accurate and honest. I am 38, divorced, have children (with whom I have a very open rapport about everything from sex to politics), and I have the most incredible relationship with the most wonderful man on this earth! It is actually he who introduced me to your column, and he still reads it to me every week. Doc, one of the most amazing things about my sweetheart is that all the things that you promote and teach men seem to come very naturally to him. He has been mysterious, a Challenge (it was definitely me that did all the pursuing), and I cannot think of a man that has been more intriguing to me. He is extremely romantic, loving and committed all at the same time. You know the funny thing is that when Randy first read me your column, the modern, slightly defensive side of me said, "Horsefeathers!" But ironically, on closer examination of your response, when he and I discussed it and I actually put myself in that situation, I realized that you really have a very realistic understanding of male/female dynamics and behaviors. I am quite happy and proud to say that I love being a woman and everything that that means to me. I love being able to create life and nurture it and experience the most incredible pleasure, all within the same body. I love being able to dress up and look good for my sweetheart, or just wear no makeup and be casual with him. I love sending him little cards and gifts just to tell him that I love him, or being there to offer him a glass of wine and a shoulder when he has had a rough day. I love shopping for beautiful outfits as much for my own pleasure as for his, and I love the feeling of his warmth next to me at night. And he appreciates it all and shows it in return. So, to all the women out there who find my behavior and attitude offensive and weak (and I'm sure there are a few), all I have to say is that I just don’t care. Maybe they need to open up their minds and hearts and stop denying their feminine sides, and then they will see just how much they receive in return when they give instead of holding back. Until that time I really believe that they are missing out on something truly wonderful. In the meantime Doc, keep up the good work! Anyone who gives candid and honest advice on how to improve relationships (both single and married) is doing us all a HUGE service. Sincerely, Karen - the non-politically correct "girly-girl" Hi Karen, It’s refreshing to hear from a woman like you. You get an A plus in the attitude department and Randy is a very lucky guy. To your credit, you’ve ignored the Feministas who have tried to convince women that they must compete with men and “beat them at their own game.” But many of your sisters have been brainwashed and have become Amazon warriors, striving to outdo men and show them who’s the better ”man.” Ironically, the further down that road they go, the more unhappy they become. Men don’t want to compete with women. They may be momentarily impressed with a gal who can ruthlessly kick butt and play ‘hardball’ harder than the best of the boys, but she’s not the type they’d be drawn to have as the mother of their children. The enlightened woman, like you, Karen, knows that her true source of power is her femininity. You know that as a woman you have choices in the way that you get what you want and need from the man in your life. A woman can try to control her man with criticism and nagging, or she can use her feminine grace to motivate him. A woman does not give up her power when she is sweet and supportive. Rather, she empowers both her man and herself. A good woman makes her man feel like he’s a better man than he knows he really is. And, when he’s receiving that level of support and appreciation, he’s happy to do what makes her happy. It’s a win/win kind of a situation. Also, what helps to make it all work so well for you, Karen, is that you are with a man who is mature enough to appreciate your giving nature without trying to take advantage. And, you both have mutually high romantic interest in each other. To you men out there, Karen is the kind of gal you want to be with, someone who is a real giver. Remember, guys, always pick a girl who is sweet and
loving. Eliminate Your Competition by Being a
Challenge Hello Doc, I just read your most recent article at www.menstuff.org In my experience I have lost some great women because I didn’t call them right away or enough. As the girl in your last article said, when a guy calls her after a week she does not feel special any more. Women have walked away from me because of that very reason. You cannot argue with real life experience. Women do want a Challenge but not in the form of a lack of attention. They want it in the form of not being able to control the man and have their way with him. I believe the man still needs to be attentive right off the bat but his attention must be strictly on his terms and not on her terms. This means going where he wants to and doing what he wants and not giving into her requests and whims or trying to make her feel good so that she will like him. By making the distinction that his attention, affection and complements are something that he gives on his own terms, the woman can see that she has not yet won him over and is not able to control him so, he remains a Challenge and raises her Interest Level. Acting this way has resulted in me having the biggest successes with women. Plenty of attention right away, but on my terms, based on what I want without letting the woman control me. Waiting to call is a mistake. Cary – who thinks you are missing something Hey Cary, You say that I teach Challenge via “lack of attention.” Well you obviously haven’t studied “The System” thoroughly. I coach men to look at women’s eyes whenever they’re talking and to be a great listener. And when they combine those qualities with patience and proper timing, they start to become winners in the dating game instead of losers. But even though you’re off the track on proper dating /telephone etiquette, your insights about the importance of not seeking approval from women are right on the money. Although, what you’re talking about has more to do with respect than Challenge. Now if you can set your ego aside and allow me to educate you further about the importance of my “wait a week to call” strategy, you’ll soon be on your way to even more success with women. First of all, let me ask you, how exactly do you know for certain that these women who rejected you did so because you didn’t call soon enough or often enough? Remember, when you ask a woman why she rejected a particular guy, 99 times out of 100, the first answer you get will not be the real reason. I can hear you interviewing them now. “Hi Caprice, I was calling you to find out the reasons or reasons that you dropped me?” “Sure,” says Caprice. “When you got my number you waited a week to call and then you didn’t call me everyday to reassure me that you liked me, that’s the reason.” The real answer is always the second (or third) answer that you pry out of a woman. The first answer is always the politically correct answer. And if the guy she rejected and the guy who is interviewing her are one in the same, it’s 100% guaranteed that she won’t give a straight answer. I cross-examine women when I survey, just like the cops on “Law and Order.” I doubt that you did this. And how many women did you interview, four? I’ve interviewed thousands and I have never heard a woman say, “I dropped him because he didn’t give me enough phone calls.” To you Psych majors, do you really want someone as a life-long partner who needs reassurance through Ma Bell every hour? In actuality Cary, you should be happy that women with low self-esteem are dropping you. Having to constantly reassure your partner is like riding on a stationery bicycle with a metal seat, it’s a pain in the butt and it never really gets you anywhere. Cary, there’s something you must understand. A girl could give both you and another guy her number on the same day. And that other guy might call her the next day and take her out on a date while you’re still waiting to first call her. But if she has higher interest in you, she’ll be thinking about you while she’s out with him. And when you finally call her after that other guy has already called her for a second date, you are raising her Interest Level even higher. (She can’t figure out why you aren’t being predictable like all the other guys she’s gotten rid of and she becomes more intrigued.) So Cary, you don’t have to worry about some other dude beating you out while you’re biding your time using Challenge to your advantage. Women do the choosing, and if she chooses you, there ain’t nothin' your competition can do about it. And when you wait to call, any chance your competition might have had is seriously compromised. Don’t be concerned about making her feel special, make yourself special to her by being a Challenge. Remember guys, patience is the key to women. Is There Ever a Good Reason to Break
a Date? Dear Doc, I saw this ridiculously pretty girl, Sandy (not her real name), at my yoga class a few weeks ago. She kept smiling at me, so I followed your advice, Doc, and immediately after class, right in front of a bunch of other women (I couldn’t talk to her in private), I asked her for her phone number. When I asked her, this sort of ‘should I or shouldn’t I’ look came over her face for a few seconds. That’s when I felt like – “Oh man, I shouldn’t have been so direct so soon. Now I’m really going to look like a fool.” But then, almost like a miracle, she reached in her purse and took out a pen and paper and wrote down her number and handed it to me and then gave me another great smile. I was totally stoked when she handed me that piece of paper. I also have to say that I really felt good about myself for taking the risk. I asked for the home phone number, Doc, and I did it with an audience of people watching. I walked out of that yoga class feeling like a hero. So, Sandy and I have gone out twice since then, and both dates went really well. We seem to have good chemistry together. We were scheduled to go out a third time last Tuesday night, but on Tuesday afternoon she called me at work to say that she reluctantly had to cancel our date. She said that her dog, “Roscoe,” had been injured by a car that morning and that she needed to stay with him at the veterinary hospital. But she apologized profusely for having to cancel and wanted to re-schedule, right then and there, for the following Tuesday. I hesitated for a moment because I know you say that ANY broken date is bad news, but she was so insistent and so enthusiastic that I felt like I’d be kind of a jerk if I didn’t accept. Still, I’m not sure if I did the right thing. Did I blow it Doc? How should I handle this now? (Please respond as soon as you can, Tuesday will be here in a few days.) Tanner- who wants to know if he did the right thing Hey Tanner, First of all, let me commend you for summoning the courage to ‘close’ Sandy while an audience of other females looked on. I know from my early days as a junior Love Doctor how intimidating that can be. Most guys chicken out when they have an audience watching when it’s time to ask for the number, even though they’re dying to ask for it. But, Tanner, once you commit to taking action you have to stay committed and maintain a positive attitude. One moment of hesitation from this girl and you were ready to sell out “The System.” So what if she had said no. You did the right thing. You noticed she was flirting with you. Then you made your move because you were interested in her and you needed her number to be able to ask her out. You did exactly what you’re supposed to do. You should never feel insecure or be apologetic about asking a girl for her home phone number. Even if she tries to shame you after you ask (which they sometimes do) All right, now let’s examine this broken date situation as a detective from “Love and Order” would. The Reality Factor says, we don’t know if Sandy’s excuse is completely legitimate or if it’s total fiction. Usually, even the most compelling story a girl gives you for breaking a date turns out to be just that, a story. And she winds up canceling any subsequent date that you arrange with her as well. Once I had a girl call me as I was walking out the door to pick her up and tell me that she had to cancel our date because her pregnant sister was just going into labor and she had to meet her at the hospital. It turned out she didn’t have a sister. The main issue here, Tanner, is respect. When you accept a counter offer for another date from a girl who is calling to break a date with you, you’re, in effect, telling her that she has your permission to jerk you around. What you should have said was “Sandy, we don’t know how quickly little Roscoe is going to recover, and he is going to need your full attention and care for awhile. So let’s wait and see how he does before we re-schedule.” To say something like that would be taking charge of the situation and taking your power back. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “When that Lil’ Mustang gets ornery on you, you gotta pull back on the reigns.” At this point, the strongest thing you can do is call Sandy back on Monday and break the Tuesday date with her. Make up some convincing whopper of your own. Don’t suggest any day as an alternative. Instead, just say, “So hey, I’m in a rush right now, but let’s talk later on.” Do not tell her that YOU will call HER. Keep it ambiguous. Then, you have to out-wait her. If she never calls back, then you’ll know that her Interest Level in you was never high to begin with, and you will have saved yourself from more disappointment and another wasted $100 on dinner for two. In order for the two of you to go out again, SHE must call YOU. She must apologize again. And, SHE must ask YOU out. If she does all those things, then you can put her on probation and give her another chance. But one more red flag from this babe and it’s Adios Amiga! Remember, guys, to ask yourselves, “How many dates
have I broken in my entire life?” Dear Doc, I have this friend, I’ll call her Karen. She not a total knockout, but she’s definitely pretty. She’s also a great dresser and she has a very “classy” air about her. Even though I’m not dating anyone right now, I’mnot romantically interested in her any way. She’s just not my type physically. But we really do get along well. She’s like my one good female friend right now. We both love to play pool and we go out to this trendy pool hall in Hollywood together usually, on Tuesday nights. There’s really quite a scene going on there, even on Tuesday nights, and the place is just teaming with babes every time we go. There’s a situation that keeps coming up when we’re out together that I’m not sure how to handle. It happened again just last night when we were at the pool hall. Karen had gone to the bar to get us a couple o beers. During the five minutes that she was gone, this exotic looking girl who had been playing pool with her girlfriend at the table next to us, walked right over to me and asked me for advice on how to properly hold the cue stick. She said her name was “Randa.” Now I know from reading your articles that that was a sign of her having some Interest Level in me. She didn’t have to come over and ask for my advice. It was pretty obvious that it was an excuse that she had created to make contact with me. We joked around for a couple minutes, and I made her laugh. But she had already seen me with Karen. (Karen touches me a lot so in this girl’s mind, Karen and I were probably boyfriend and girlfriend, or at least out on a date.) Then Karen came back with the beers. I wanted to ask Randa for her home phone number but I didn’t because, first of all, I didn’t feel comfortable doing that right in front of Karen. Even though we’re just friends, I felt like it wouldn’t be a classy thing to do. And secondly, I was afraid that I would look like a sneaky cheat or a jerk in Randa’s eyes if I asked her for her phone number while I was with a girl who she most likely thought was my date. Still, I’m not sure whether Randa would have cared about that or not. She did come on to me even though she had already seen me with Karen. Or maybe she came on to me BECAUSE she saw me with Karen. Anyway you see my problem here? And this situation has come up more than once. So, Doc, what does your “System” say about dealing with this kind of situation? Frankie – who wants to do the right thing Hey Frankie, Is this the way you live your whole life, always sacrificing your needs for the approval of others? Do you usually play it so safe? While you’re busy doing only what you think you should do and not doing what you think you shouldn’t, your love life is going nowhere fast. There you are, out with your female FRIEND who you have no romantic interest in, and you’re afraid of offending her by making a play for another woman? Look, dude, if she’s your friend, then she’s your friend. That means she has the same status as a GUY who is your friend. As my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “Friends support and encourage each other when it comes to makin’ out. If you had asked Randa for her phone number right then and there, and Karen wound up being bothered by that, it would have meant one of two things. Either she’s not really your friend, or she likes you romantically and you’re oblivious to it. But, I’d bet that if you had made your move with Randa, that Karen would have been just as pleased as punch for you. You were afraid to risk Karen’s disapproval when there was no risk. (And the Feministas say that all men are a bunch of inconsiderate louts!) As far as Randa goes, she knew nothing about the nature of your relationship with Karen. No one said anything to her about Karen being your girlfriend. For all she knew, Karen could have been your big sister. Anyway, Randa was obviously giving you plenty of buying-signals. She didn’t seem to be so concerned about what Karen might think, so why should you have? I’m sure Randa wondered why the hell you didn’t ask her for her number. “Maybe he’s gay,” she probably said to her girlfriend as they drove home together. Frankie, you’re lucky to have a hot looking woman like Karen who likes to pal around with you. I’d suggest that you take her out with you every chance you get and use her to help you meet women. You can help her meet guys, too. It’s called ‘The Buddy System’. Karen obviously has a lot of ‘strike power’ and that only makes you look more alluring to the other kitty cats when they see you with her, as you’ve already experienced. You can tell women you meet that she’s your sister as you flash them a ‘cat who ate the canary’ grin. As my cousin, Sal, “The Fish,” Love would say, “Always keep ‘em guessin’.” Remember, guys, if you have a beautiful female buddy, be
sure to take her with you when you go out hunting. Special Classroom Dating Strategies Hello, I just wanted to say thank you for what “The System” has done for me. I've only had the program for a couple of months and I'm still learning, but I'm already noticing some definite changes, not only in the way women are reacting to me, but more importantly in the way I'm acting towards women. I say this as a recovering "nice guy," at least with the girls I really liked. After learning about your principles, I discovered that I behaved differently with girls that I didn't feel as strongly for and that that’s why they were so much more into me. Common sense, yes, but it's amazing what you can overlook in your own behavior. Anyway, I have a quick question. I'm a college student; and while your dating strategies are readily applicable to girls I meet in most circumstances, I can't quite get my head around how to apply it to girls I meet in class. How do I go about approaching a girl in that situation? The standard rules of meeting, talking, getting the digits, and leaving first don't really apply, nor does waiting a week to call. If I get her number in class, even if it's the last day of class that week, I will probably see her again a couple of days later. And I don't think it would be effective to avoid/ignore her in class, then call her up and act like I hadn't seen her. Could you please throw me a bone Doc? Thanks again. Rocky – who needs specialized coaching for guys in college Hi, Rocky As you know, I always instruct you guys to ask for the home phone number of any girl you’ve just met and are interested in. No hesitation. No apologies. This is done as a test of the woman’s Interest Level in you. It’s done to demonstrate to her that you are a confident guy who means business. It’s done to impress her with your directness. And…it’s also done because, in most cases, you will never see her again if you don’t get her number before you part company with her. But, the classroom environment does present a specialized situation where we can creatively modify the ‘closing’ process. A particular woman whom you meet in your history class, for instance, might possibly drop the class or drop out of school entirely before you get her number if you fail to act quickly. But odds are that that won’t happen. Let’s assume, for educational purposes, that 99% of the attendees of a particular class will make it through the entire semester. That means that for all intents and purposes, you have what a Marine Drill Instructor has in his group of recruits: a captive audience. And when you have a captive audience, you should use the situation to your advantage, or as they say on the hip-hop dance floor, “You got to work it, Baby!” So, Rocky, let’s say that there are a couple of different babes in your philosophy class that you have the hots for. Don’t hit on them. Don’t come on to them. Don’t even talk to them. Instead, do all you can to be highly visible in the class. Ask really intelligent and interesting questions and, if you have a knack for it, make clever, humorous comments that make the whole class crack up. Soon, every girl in the class will be impressed by you and also curious about you. To you Psych majors, you gotta stand out. As the power of your persona gains momentum and magnetism, everyone will want to know you better. Then, using your popularity, take every opportunity you have, before and after class, to make sure that the two girls that you like see how much the other girls in the class love to talk and laugh with you. All the while, continue to ignore the two that you’re hot for. This will really make you Mr. Interesting in their eyes. If you follow this plan of action to the best of your abilities, one or both of the girls that you’re interested in should approach you and initiate interaction with you within a few weeks or less. Once one of them demonstrates some authentic interest in you and gives you some obvious Buying Signals, then close her for her home phone number. Also make sure to end the conversation first and move on. Either go and talk with some other girl or take a seat or leave the room if class is over. Yes, Rocky, you still leave first, whatever form of ‘leaving’ you can create in that environment. You will then, as always, wait a week, Rocky, before you call your love interest and ask her out. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love would say, “All the idiots call within 48 hours.” Now here’s a powerful concept to shatter all your fear and confusion about seeing her again before you call her. It is simply this: when you run into her again, before you’ve called her, don’t put ANY pressure on yourself to excuse your lack of communication. Relax. Chill out. Be cool. Don’t get all antsy and embarrassed. Realize that any discomfort you feel is self-inflicted. It’s totally ok if she sees you again before you call her. Let her see you four or five times before you call. No big deal. Don’t be afraid that she’s going to think that you’ve rejected her. Why not? Because if she does think that, then it’s only going to raise her Interest Level and make her extra co-operative when you do call her and ask her out. And once again, when you finally do call, make no excuses or explanations. Just make a date and then get off the phone. Badda bing badda boom. And here’s another thought to help you appreciate why waiting a week to call is the right thing to do, even though you may run into her more than once in the interim. You can be certain that no other fellow has ever played it so cool with her and this will work to your advantage. She’ll be thinking, “Gee, every other guy from my classes that I’ve given my number to has called me the next day. What’s this Rocky guy’s story? Hmm, I’m intrigued. I think I’ll have to raise my Interest Level in him.” As for the other gal that you’re working on, if the weeks keep going by and she just doesn’t make a move to connect with you, then go on ahead and take the initiative. The idea, Rocky, is that in this specialized situation, you bide your time and give her an abundance of opportunities to close you, but you most ultimately do the closing if she doesn’t. Remember, guys: always ask for the home phone number and
always wait a week to call. Do Men Like Women Who Take the
Initiative? Dear Doc Love, I don't know whom else to ask, but I'd rather ask for a man's advice than a woman's. If I asked a woman I'd only be setting myself up for the "you made yourself look cheap, conniving, and deceitful.” So here it goes. I just graduated from college and finished my finals. There was this guy in my class who I believed was very handsome in every way. He was confident, attractive and funny. I had never spoken to him before, but I realized it when I saw him speak in class. He sat all the way in the back, and I like to sit in the front. So, knowing that we would have never gotten a chance to speak, I went up to him during the 9th week of class (we have class once a week) and asked him out. I had never done that before, but I thought it would be an admirable gesture. I know that guys almost never get asked out directly, especially if a gorgeous woman initiates it. (I model bathing suits part-time – not to brag.) I had been drooling over him for over 6 weeks. When I asked him out he responded with a happy, "Yeah, sure!" And then the nail biter, "Oh you know I have a girlfriend, but we can still hang out! Do you care that I have one?" I said no because I don't care. I just wanted to get to know him over a beer, not kidnap him. We tried to get to know each other with the ten minutes we had. Everything was left open-ended. I thought he'd call but he didn't. It's been two months. Why, dear god, why? I can't stop obsessing over him. I know I'm very pretty and intelligent. I have a great body and beautiful face, and I came across as very sweet. He seemed enthused. What the hell happened? I wouldn't care if he called me next month or the month after that. That's fine with me. It was left so open-ended. I left him a message on his voicemail four days after we talked, and he didn't return my call. What do you think? Did I blow it by coming on too strong? Jennifer – who wants to know what is going on Hi Jennifer, Wow. Your Interest level in this guy is so high that you’ll still be delighted to go out with him if he calls two months from now. So much for the protests I get from women who say that if a guy waits more than a few days to call, then a woman loses interest in him. Guys, I want you to read Jennifer’s letter more than once. This is a stunning example of what lengths a beautiful woman, any woman, will go to and how flexible she can be when her Interest Level is off the chart. She hadn’t even ever talked to the guy, and she broke a lifelong pattern of passivity. Beautiful women can afford to be as passive as they want. She walked right up to her dreamboat and closed him on the spot. It’s that kind of fearless, balls to the wall attitude that a lot of YOU GUYS still need to adopt. Jennifer, when you were direct, moving like a heat-seeking missile honing in on its target, you did great. Any one of your sisters who would have called your behavior cheap and conniving is way, way out of touch. You knew what you wanted, and you went for it. “Good on ya “ as they say in Australia. It’s certainly possible for a woman to take the initiative to ask a guy out and still maintain her feminine grace. YOU did it. But Jennifer, he told you that he already had a girlfriend. You liked him so much you were willing to lie and tell him that you didn’t care that he had a girlfriend. But you did care. He was being nice and going with the flow, but the Bottom Line Factor says: He didn’t call. He’s not available for relationship, of any kind. You’ve got to stop with the obsessing and let it go. That’s what smart guys learn to do. They learn that they will be rejected more often than they’ll be accepted, so they learn not to focus all their hopes on one potential partner. You, Jennifer, just can’t believe that any man would turn you down because no man ever has, up until now. But you gotta wake up sister. He did turn you down. Accept it and move on. If you keep obsessing about this guy, you’ll be in a chronic state of distraction and likely to overlook your soul mate when he crosses your path. I do want to encourage you to not be discouraged from ever taking the initiative again. Don’t wind up like one of those girls who get rejected once and then say, “Oh, I asked a guy out once but I’ll never do that again. Men don’t like it when women take the initiative.” Your classmate didn’t turn you down because men don’t like it when women are direct. The reason he didn’t call you wasn’t because you came on too strong. He didn’t call you because his interests lie elsewhere, period. Remember, guys, even beautiful women sometimes get
rejected. What to do with a Case of "Sneak-Up
Love" Hey Doc, I've been a friend of a girl for about two years now. I never felt any attraction to her until this past summer. We started spending a lot of time together, going out and having fun. Now she’s at college, living in a dorm, and I never get to see her anymore. She doesn't know how I feel about her. I want to tell her, but I don't want to lose the friendship we have. Wouldn’t she think it was strange for me to suddenly come out and confess how much I like her after being friends for so long? What do you think? Should I go for it? Bart Hi Bart, So, love snuck up behind you and bit you on the fanny, huh? The bad news - as I have mentioned in other articles – is that most women don’t allow you to switch tracks from friendship to boyfriend. The good news is: if by some long shot, your sweetheart is the exception to the rule, I can arm you with the one thing that would make a romance happen: Challenge - also known as Superwoman’s Kryptonite. Judging by the lack of Buying Signals (flirting) mentioned in your letter, I would assume that the object of your affection is comfortable with the relationship as it is and doesn’t think of you as anything more than a friend - the most dreaded word a man can hear from a woman. But in the small chance that she harbors some romantic feelings for you and is playing it cool, Challenge will turn up the heat and make her Interest Level climb through the roof! Challenge can even help you out when your female friend has only 49% Interest Level in you. How? It forces you to keep your trap shut around her and thus preserves your friendship. Blabbing your amorous feelings to a girl who doesn’t feel the same way about you can make her feel uncomfortable - which can cause a friendship to die a slow death. Here’s our game plan, Bart. First: withdraw slowly from your friend and become less available to her. Don’t call her at school; let her call you and wait a day to call her back if she leaves a message. Don’t initiate any e-mails; instead give her only brief answers to her e-mails. Once she returns from school and starts asking you out for the usual social events, only attend the outings where other single women will be present. Why? Because you will talk with these ladies and get their home phone numbers. Now, you may be asking me: wouldn’t I be disrespectful if I did this? My answer: Certainly not. It shouldn’t bother her if you two are at a club and you step away from her side once every hour for only five minutes. Besides - you two are just friends, right? The great thing is if your conversations with other women do bother your friend, then it means that her Interest Level in you is over 50% – which means you have a chance with her. By using this simple act of Challenge, you rub any hidden Interest Level she has for you in her face. After about a month of this, a look of frustration should eventually come over her and she will say “I’m tired of you chasing other women in front of me!” To which, you will reply, “Are you suggesting that we take the chance of ruining a beautiful friendship by you asking me out on a date?” She will then answer sheepishly, “Well, sort of.” This is when you know she’s seeing you in a whole new light – and that it’s now time to go out on your first date! Isn’t Challenge great? Remember guys, if you want to turn Miss Friend into Miss
Right, you have to let her think it’s her idea; you
must let her think she’s in control (Only you and I
know better!). Be a Challenge around her and she will feel
inspired to make positive changes to your relationship. But
if she decides to keep the friendship, then get mileage out
of the arrangement - go to clubs with her and show her off
to other women. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
would say: “Whatever it takes!” Guys, Has a Woman Ever Bewildered You with Any of These Lines? “Can’t we just be friends?” “I don’t kiss on the first date.” “I need someone who is more exciting.” “Did I tell you about my present lover? “I think you’re a nice person, but…” If you have heard any of these lines, you’re in luck because I have the medicine to cure your case of Confusion-itis. You are privileged to be reading the only romantic love column in America that comes from a male perspective. In last week’s article, we covered two major concepts: The Reality Factor (“Things are the way they are. If you go against reality, reality works against you, resulting in pain.”) and The Bottom Line Factor (“Only a woman’s actions truly reflect her feelings toward you.”). These two facts of life form the foundation of my unique approach to relationships, which I call The “System.” This week, I will give you the framework of The “System” by naming the three factors that determine success or failure in romantic relationships. These factors are: female Interest Level, female attitude, and male attitude. Interest Level is one of the most overlooked factors in successful relationships. Women call their Interest Level “romantic feelings,” or “love.” Interest Level is a degree of love. What is a “degree” of love? Let me give an example. Tom is at a party and he asks two women, Jill and Caprice, for their home phone numbers. Jill responds, “I’ll give you my work number instead - I just don’t know you very well.” Caprice, on the other hand, tears a bank deposit slip from her checkbook, circles the home phone number, and hands it to Tom with a smile saying “ Now, you’d better call me!” Interest Level is a scale that ranges from 0 to 100 percent. In our example, I would place Jill’s Interest Level in Tom at 20% and Caprice’s at 80%. Now, think about this: If Jill and Caprice were thoroughbreds running in the seventh at the Del Mar racetrack, and Tom were a betting man, whom should he put his money on? Why is female Interest Level so important? Because the closer the woman’s Interest Level gets to 100%, the more she likes you, and the more fun you will have - whether it’s on the first date or on your 20th anniversary. In sharp contrast, the further a |
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