DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions
from a mans perspective. So, set your ego aside, learn
to laugh at yourself, and e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org
or call 800.404.2644 and he will give you a snappy answer to
your silly love question one loaded with truth. You
do what he says, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When
he gets done with you, you will need more security than
Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, he promises
not to use your real name, or give it out. All questions
will be answered, but only the ones of general interest
printed. Please be specific and dont ramble.
Did Michael Douglas ever get Help
with Girls from His Old Man?
I have a situation I have no idea how to handle. I met Morgan about three years ago and weve been talking off and on. I discovered three things that I deem to be significant factors about her: 1) Shes considerably older than me (about 10 years; originally I thought she was only maybe three or four years older). 2) She has a kid. 3) Her last boyfriend beat her up very badly and she said she had trouble trusting people afterwards.
When we got to know each other a little, she said, Im really starting to trust you. So I asked her out and she said, Why dont we try being friends for now and see how that works first?
She got very busy with parenting and other things shortly thereafter and I forgot about her and pursued other women. For the next year or so Id run into Morgan occasionally. During one of our encounters I asked for her number again since Id lost it, and she gave it to me. I gave her a kiss on the cheek just to test her reaction. I saw her the next night at a dance club and she was all smiles when she saw me. However, before I could ask her to dance, I went to the bathroom and when I came out, she had left.
Recently I saw Morgan at another club (she was by herself) and I was dancing with some other girls. She came over, gave me a hug, and asked for a ride home since she had car trouble. I gave her a ride and we spent the evening together. I didnt try to kiss her because I had a cold and didnt want to seem like a jerk. When I was going home, she said Thanks, that was the most fun Ive had in a long time.
I called later in the week and asked her if she wanted to attend a social function with me. She said she was under her dads supervision
(she and her kid are living with him and hes got control issues), and it was his decision. She said shed call back but she didnt. Two weeks later (when Id given up on her) she left a message on my machine asking me to call her.
Doc, we get along really well, but Im not sure if Morgan likes me, or just wants to be friends. Any ideas what I should do?
Paul - who cant figure her out
Thank you very much for the compliment, and youre right about all the junk on the Internet. And I want to tell you something about those other love doctors. If you dont see or hear the word CHALLENGE discussed, that so-called expert is only giving you two-thirds of whats involved in dealing with women. Everybody knows about Confidence. Everybody knows you have to have a sparkling sense of humor and be clean-cut and shine your shoes to be a hit with the girls. But most guys dont know how to have a balanced relationship. With the man being forced into the position of being the aggressor, Challenge balances the relationship out so you dont go overboard.
Now, lets examine what youve got here with Morgan. Why are you two talking off and on? Like my cousin Brother Love says, In dating there shouldnt be any in-betweens that leave either one of you in a state of limbo. In other words, when a relationship flies, it flies. You ask her for the home phone number, you wait a week to call her, and you go out. Theres a real process involved. Theres no off and on. When theres off and on, youve got a problem right off the bat. Off and on is a big no-no when it comes to dating. Off and on means youve got nothing going.
Next, lets tackle your facts. Morgans age in itself doesnt mean a thing. What matters is how old you are, pal. If youre 11 or 12, youve got a problem -- unless of course shes Mary Kay Letorneau. What I dont like is the fact that Morgans 10 years older than you, because like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, When the bickering and arguments start, you dont stand a chance in hell of winning.
Since Morgan has a child, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and ask, Can I love this kid as much as my own? (Most guys cant, so you have to give fact number two serious thought before getting involved.)
Fact number three, her boyfriend beat her up. Odds are the jerk just didnt punch her out once and without a buildup. Usually abusive boyfriends and husbands swear at their women first, or they throw things, or they slap them around a little before graduating to the really ugly stuff. Morgan is what I call a woman, who, sorry to say, indirectly accepts being treated badly. And that is very, very sad. (Are you sure Morgan is clinically sane? Maybe instead of you she needs some professional treatment. Guys, you have to start with a woman whose head is screwed on straight to begin with.)
That said, being friends first with a female is okay as far as it goes, but you have to do what The System says if you want to win this gal. You cant pay attention to what the woman says. Her true intentions will come out in her actions. Guys, you have to follow the Dating Dictionary.
What I find extremely curious is that during one of your off periods you forgot all about Morgan. That tells me your Interest Level was low, low, low. We never talk about the mans Interest Level because generally it doesnt count, but if your Interest Level is below 50%, you dont really dig the girl. And you lost her number because you had moribund Interest Level.
Buddy, you didnt go according to my principles on this girl. You have to ask yourself some hard questions about why youve been off and on with this babe in the first place. Maybe youre not really all that into her, did you ever think of that? Maybe you two are just using each other because neither of you have anything better to do with yourselves.
Gee, you kissed Morgan on the cheek! Whoa! Slow down! Pretty bold of you, Paul. Like Sal The Fish Love says Thats like kissing your grandmother! We dont conduct the grandmother test, dude. We administer the date test. To you Psych majors, that means on the mouth.
The fact that Morgan split after she bumped into you at the dance club is a strong indication that she likes you, obviously. You go to the bathroom for five minutes and she cant wait to get the hell out of there? Gosh, this girl has really flipped over you! (Uh, right. And Ive got this bridge over in Brooklyn thats a steal .)
Guys, you never want to go out with a girl who has car trouble. Because when shes got car trouble, thats just the tip of the iceberg. Again, you Psych majors, there are other troubles lurking in the background, rest assured.
Paul, its decent of you that you didnt try and kiss Morgan when you had the sniffles you shouldnt run around giving people diseases. Gee, that was darned thoughtful of you. Regarding the function you invited her to, you dont ever ask a girl if she wants to do something -- you just ask her if she can make it. Forget talking about want.
Wow, its great that Morgans old man has control issues. She got rid of Psycho Boyfriend, now shes living with Psycho Dad. Very nice. Id say you two are on your way to a real healthy relationship! And its another good sign that she didnt call you back when she said she would. Paul, youve just got it popping on all cylinders, dont you? (And by the way, if her old man has such control issues, what is she doing slow dancing with every guy in sight at a nightclub?)
So, you and Morgan get along really well, huh? You call all this inconsistent behavior getting along really well? Heck, youd have better luck with J-Lo.
Remember, guys: when the girl is a mess, move on to a new
Im in an interesting predicament. Im part of group at my college that helps economically disadvantaged students from a nearby school district. About a month ago at a Saturday morning workshop, I really hit it off with one of the girls who also help out. Her name is Madison. She seemed really comfortable around me, laughed at my jokes, and touched my arm. At the end of the event I asked for her home phone number. My home phone number? she replied. Dont you want my cell phone number?
Feeling in a bit of a pinch, I said Sure, that will do. The following week I saw Madison with a guy at the library. She glanced at me as I walked by and didnt say anything. I then proceeded to throw her number away because I was under the assumption that she was too beautiful for me and was probably involved with someone anyway. Afterwards, every time I saw her she would always be talking with some guy.
Well, this past Tuesday my buddy and I went to get a bite to eat at the university dining hall. Alyssa (Madisons friend, and one of the girls whod come to the workshop where Id met her) spotted me and came over to my table.
The following was our conversation.
Alyssa: Can I ask you a guy question?
Alyssa: Why would a guy get a girls phone number and not call her? (Referring of course to what I did with Madisons number).
Me: I do things differently.
Alyssa: Well, do all guys do that?
Me: Some do, some dont.
Alyssa: Why didnt you call Madison?
Me: I dont pursue girls who have boyfriends.
Alyssa then walked back to her table. A few seconds later Madison sits at Alyssas table. Coincidence? I think not. A few minutes later lunch ends and students begin to leave for classes. As Alyssa is about to leave, she passes me and whispers in my ear, You should call Madison, she doesnt have anybody.
I was shocked. This incident has shown me how oblivious I am when it comes to reading women. I didnt have a clue that Madison was leaning this way.
I would appreciate your analysis of this incident. Should I try and call Madison now? Thank you and all the best.
Odom - whos still learning
Gosh, youve made so many blunders I hardly know which one to start with! But lets try Madisons offer of her cell phone number first. It was a huge mistake to accept it. Guys think that the cell phone number is the home phone number. To you Psych majors, ITS NOT -- unless you live in China.
So you should have told Madison, I want your home phone number. I dont want your cell phone number. Or, Ill take them both. But its always more important that you have the home digits. Guys, I dont want you calling a babe when shes on a date with another guy and there you are playing second fiddle and trying to ask her out. Odds are that when shes at home shes not with that other guy. And there are lots of other reasons for getting the home phone number, too. Theyre all explained in depth in the Dating Dictionary.
Now, why are you making any kinds of assumptions at all about Madison? You dont know what type of guy she likes, do you? And remember, no girl is too beautiful for you. So why are you putting yourself down? As my cousin Doctor Love would say, If you didnt think you were good enough for her, why did you ask her for her phone number in the first place? Hello? Are you there, Odom?
Okay, so she happens to be standing next to some bozo. Whats the big deal? Shes a Beautiful Woman, its been known to happen. And you dont know the nature of their relationship. Maybe hes going to be best man at Elton Johns upcoming wedding. Or he might be her cousin. You dont know if hes on his way in, on his way out, or if Madison has any interest in him whatsoever. Maybe they were discussing a school assignment, did you ever think of that?
So what do you do? You walk around throwing a hissy fit! You toss her number away just because you saw her in someone elses proximity. Dude, you dont have any relationship with this girl. She doesnt owe you anything. How can you say she was probably involved with someone else? We dont go by probably. We operate only by black and white -- in other words, by the hard facts. Were detectives on Love and Order, dont forget. We have to know exactly whats what before we jump to any conclusions. Whats more, Madison should be with a guy shes a knockout. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, All Beautiful Women have guys hanging around them, like flies on honey -- its the natural order of things. If you never saw Madison with a guy shed be a bowser, right? So what are you kvetching about? You cant have it both ways.
Lets move on to your conversation with Madisons go-between, Alyssa. What you should have told her was that you didnt call her friend because youre an idiot. Sure, you do things differently, pal you do things wrong. Let me explain something here. The guys who dont call are the guys who feel pressured by a girl to take the home phone number. They really dont care about the girl and thats why they dont pick up the phone and dial. But you asked Madison up front for her home phone number and then settled for the cell number.
Madison never told you she had a boyfriend, did she? She was just talking with someone and automatically youre assuming that theyve been as tight as Ben and Jen for the last six months. Let her bring up the fact that she has a squeeze when youre already out on a date with her, buddy. Its not for you to conclude that shes spoken for if you see her standing beside a statue. The last thing you should be doing is crying Why would she use me by giving me her number? Why would she insult me like that? Waaaaah! Youre being a Macho Boy here. A mini-Macho Boy who pouts!
I mean, look at yourself. Alyssas practically handing you her girlfriend on a platter, and whats your response? Like a baby youre whining, No, no, I dont want her! You shouldnt have been shocked that Madison was interested in you. Instead, you should have been waiting a week to call her. Get your head on straight here.
You, oblivious, Odom? Thats the understatement of the century! Youre so far in the dark you make Joe Millionaire look like hes got a clue! Sheesh, man, what more did you want from Madison? She gave you her number, didnt she? She even asked if she could give you her cell number! Women dont lie and men dont listen. Pay attention to the title of my column, will you?
But despite all your screw-ups, obviously all is not lost. So heres what you do: call Madison up without an attitude and like a gentleman, act like nothing happened, and ask her out on a date. Then go out and make her laugh.
Remember, guys: dont sulk because you see her with
someone else -- if you have her number, call her up and ask
First of all, thanks for all of your advice and wisdom. My best buddy Bobby turned me on to you, and I have to say that it seems to me your principles are right on the money.
But I have a question that Ive not seen addressed, and Im wondering if you can give me a little guidance here.
I happen to be mired in a dating slump right now. (Its only temporary, of course, because I have your techniques on my side!) Anyway, I cant seem to get the attention or numbers of any of the women Im interested in. What Id like to know is whether you think its okay to lower my standards temporarily to get some dating practice and such you know, work on my moves.
Doc, I have a good heart and would never hurt a girl on purpose, but there is an unattractive girl Ill call her Chrissie from my past that Im thinking about getting in touch with. We were friends about eight months ago, but nothing romantic ever happened between us. Frankly, the idea crossed my mind because Im so lonely and Chrissie had very high Interest Level in me way back when. Since I was basically indifferent to her, I was a total Challenge to her even before I studied your book. She always wanted me to go places and do things with her, and she always offered to pay. It would have been a sweet deal if only Id been interested in her.
So what do you think in general about dating a woman knowing she is only practice for the next one, if you know already she will never be Miss Right?
Doc, thanks in advance for your help.
Riley - who needs to do something instead of nothing
Guy, first let me assure you that not getting the attention and home phone numbers of the babes you really want is the way it is for every guy most of the time unless of course you play in the band. Like General Love says, Dating can be like guerilla warfare in the Sahara Desert, and you gotta be prepared for anything! The point is this: when you do meet the right one, you have to be armed with my material it should be so second nature, so internalized, that youll be able to conquer and keep this A-list lady when you find her. In other words, you have to be like a soldier going into battle.
To you Psych majors, 99% of the women you meet will be the wrong women. But what were doing with The System is getting you completely set up and ready to deal with the right one.
Working on your moves is an excellent idea, pal. You should always be doing that anyway. Your problem right now is that youre walking into the Mercedes-Benz dealership, but youve only got money for a broken-down 10-year-old Chevy. Because my gut feeling is that you havent really taken my principles completely to heart yet. You havent practiced enough or put in the time. Ive heard miracle stories from the guys who have, including incredible tales of marriages that have been saved. Thats the kind of power my techniques carry.
So, Chrissie offered to pay for you? Whoa, dude, this has to be the first time in the last 6,000 years that a woman ever offered to cover a guy! This is truly unbelievable! But she shouldnt be paying. You the man are the one who should be paying.
But we have a major problem here, Riley. You already know this girl. Chrissie is old news, yesterdays paper. Its clear you dont have any real interest in her. Like Sal The Fish Love says, Whats the point of beating on a dead donkey?
You say you need to do something. You complain that you have no action whatsoever, and that youre stuck in a rut. Its our job to shake you out of that rut. What you have to do, buddy, is figure out how you can meet the highest quantity of women. Then go and do it.
The very best way to do that is on the Internet. So what youre going to do is study my book until its completely committed to memory, until you can pretty much recite it from cover to cover. Then, log on and if a girl whod never make it in the pages of Cosmopolitan wants to meet you, youre going to go and meet her anyway. (Youre practicing on some fresh new honeys, get it?) Hey -- maybe its just a bad photograph, and anyway, we have to make you a little bit more handsome. We have to get you feeling better about yourself. How do we pull that off? Like this: meeting all these new women is going to propel you into motion instead of keeping you in a state of inertia. Its going to give you Confidence, and applying my rules will give you that swagger, that winners attitude you need so that more females will find you attractive.
So to answer your question, Riley, if youre not interested in her, DONT WASTE YOUR TIME, and dont torture Chrissie for your own selfish ends. But if youre with someone and its already a date, have as much fun with her as you can. Be Confident, and keep it light and funny. Do your very best imitation of Cary Grant. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Practice your moves, baby. Never stop practicing your moves.
Remember, guys: once you know you can learn nothing from
a woman, its time to move on.
Would Hef Care if Her IQ Didn't Break 100?
I absolutely love your stuff. I can't begin to tell you how my dating life has changed thanks to you. I used to be a loser, and now Im beating the women off with sticks. Its a miracle how much my life has been transformed since I started reading your books and columns.
But I have a question that desperately needs your attention because I can't find the answer to it anywhere.
After applying your principles, I am meeting and dating extremely beautiful women. (Yes, its absolutely true and when I think about it, Im astounded. Even my friends and family are amazed.) By the way, I live in Miami, where there are beautiful women everywhere you look. The more beautiful women I meet and date, the easier it seems to be to attract even more of them because they see me with Beautiful Women. They must ask themselves, I wonder what hes got? And you must be asking yourself: Okay, so whats this guys beef?
Well, heres the problem. What Im discovering is that the more physically attractive a woman is, the more boring and brainless she is. One is dumber than the next, Doc. I recently dated one who believed that New Jersey was a city. Another one thought Ernest Hemingway played for the Los Angeles Lakers. And thats just the tip of the iceberg.
This makes it extraordinarily difficult to carry on a conversation, go on a long trip, or even think of entering into a real partnership with them. I hate to say this, but unless we are being intimate I can't stand to be around them. I try everything I can think of to stimulate intelligent give and take, but since they are brainless, they cant talk about current events, goals, their jobs -- nothing.
I know you must still be thinking What the heck is this guy kvetching about, but believe me; its a real problem when youre in the market for someone to get serious with.
Doc, should I forget about the 10s and just date average-looking but intelligent girls? Or is it possible to find an Einstein on the catwalk?
Thanks for any ideas you might have.
Pat - whos sick of gorgeous idiots
We should all have your problems, pal! But Im glad that my techniques have gotten you dates with a succession of Christie Brinkleys and Charlize Theron's. Because you make a very interesting point -- that being seen in the presence of a Beautiful Woman is a really important tool in the dating game. (Some guys even pay for the privilege check the yellow pages under Wing Women. But if you can do it for free, more power to you.)
As my cousin Fast Eddie Love likes to say, As a chick magnet, being seen with a Beautiful Woman on your arm is the next best thing to owning a 145-foot yacht!
I know what the Feministas are thinking. Theyre just dying for me to agree with you right now, Pat, but Im not going to do that. (By the way, I cant win with the Feministas. If I agreed with you that all Beautiful Women were stupid, theyd attack me for bashing women. If I said that the only smart women were unattractive, theyd be all over me too for the same thing. So theyve got me coming and going.) But let me tell you something. There are some Beautiful Women out there who are brilliant you just havent met them yet, thats all.
Still, if you want to do Beautiful Women, buddy, this is what youre going to have to put up with. It stands to reason that most of them are going to spend more time on their looks than on their personalities or boning up on the relativity theories of Stephen Hawking. Why? Because they dont have to. Theyre attracting the attention of men without having to work for it.
Dating Beautiful Women is like walking through a romantic minefield. If theyre not getting hit on by every guy around, theyre emptying your wallet. Remember, as my cousin Rabbi Love says, Every beautiful item comes with a heavy price tag.
Nevertheless, Pat, I think its great that youve graduated to the league of Beautiful Women, but before you met me, maybe you wouldnt have realized how stupid they can be, so thats one more good thing thats come out of following my principles. With The System, youre always moving closer to REALITY and thats a good thing, especially when it comes to women.
The more important thing to remember here is that you only need one smart Beautiful Woman. Maybe youll have to go through 104 super-models to get to her, but youll have your fun along the way, right? When you hit number 105, guess what? Shes studying to be a lawyer! And then youve finally got somebody with some brains. (If you dont believe me about babes who happen to be lawyers, check out some of the prosecutors and defense attorneys-turned-commentators on Court TV!)
The point is that youve just had a run of the wrong ones here. Believe me, fellas, there are lots of smart Beautiful Women out there. Maybe youve had a dumb run because youre living in Miami, Pat. Too much sun can fry the brain. And its more conducive to breeding beach bunnies than nuclear physicists.
Remember, guys: finding beauty with brains just takes
Im a devoted student of the philosophy of your teachings. As a result of paying attention to your material, Im able to analyze most situations with women as fast as lightning.
But a certain situation that Ive run into lately has me a little perplexed: married women without wedding rings. For instance, Im at the cleaners the other day and the cashier is this beautiful Latina girl (a dead ringer for Jennifer Lopez, actually) giving me classic high interest buying signals (laughing at my dumb jokes, making solid eye contact, blushing, and asking questions about my job). By the way, Im not a regular patron at that business and had never seen her before. So after getting her name Eva -- I ask her for the home phone number and attempt to close the deal. All of a sudden a disappointed look appears on her face and she says, Oh, sorry, I cant -- Im married.
Well, she wasnt wearing a ring and there was no tan line on the designated finger. When I pointed this out with a laugh, she said that she lost her ring when it went down the kitchen drain.
Now Doc, had she been wearing a wedding ring I wouldve respected her union and chalked up the banter to nothing but friendly conversation. But due to the fact that she appeared otherwise unattached (i.e., no ring) and displayed buying signals, I made the move. Wouldnt anyone in my position have done the same thing?
Is this girl just a liar with low Interest Level? Or married with 40% to 49% Interest Level in her hubby? I cant quite figure it out. And Doc, its not the first time something like this has happened to me. Is this a phenomenon thats growing or something?
I look forward to your usual brilliant insights.
Smith - who feels taken for a ride
First of all, when youre dealing with a married woman who doesnt wear a wedding ring, you have to think in terms of her Interest Level. If a woman were married happily married wouldnt she want to keep all the wolves away from the door by wearing her wedding band? She wouldnt want to get into confrontations with undesirable guys, right? She wouldnt want to needlessly upset her husband by drawing all kinds of unwanted attention, would she?
Of course theres always the possibility that this one may have lost her ring, but why wasnt it replaced? Like I always tell you guys, you have to be like detectives on Love and Order to figure out what the hecks really going on.
So Eva looks exactly like J Lo, huh? Well, there was your first mistake, dude! A J Lo look-alike is the last thing you need if you dont want trouble ask Ojani, Cris, P Diddy, and Ben! But seriously, when you got Evas name, you forgot to mention something did she ask you for yours? And when she told you she was married, you should have asked, as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would have, By any chance, you got a sister?
There are only a few possibilities regarding what happened at the cleaners, pal:
1) Eva lied because she had low Interest Level -- in you. 2) She told the truth, but she had low Interest Level -- in you. (But when a woman gives you so many buying signals when they overdo it like Eva did somethings not right at home. When she told you her ring went swirling down the kitchen drain, you should have asked, How long ago? If she said Yesterday! it would have told you one thing. If she said Fourteen years ago! it would have told you something entirely different. And the answer would have said a lot about the state of her marriage. Which leads us to the next possibilities.) 3) Shes not getting any love and affection at home. 4) Her husband does give her lots of love and affection, but she just doesnt dig the guy anymore. 5) For some reason shes just trying to find out whether shes still got market value in other words, she needs to see if guys are still interested in her.
You can try until the cows come home to figure out all the reasons why Eva said what she did, but the bottom line is this: you did close the deal by going for the home phone number. Even though you didnt get it, you did great, buddy.
Because most guys would have chickened out and not have gone for the home phone number. But you had guts, and that was fantastic. Most wimps would have hemmed and hawed, asked Eva if she had a boyfriend or mumbled something like Can I take you out sometime between now and Armageddon?
That said, married women losing their wedding bands is a phenomenon only in your life. But this babe flirted, she wasnt wearing a ring, and you went ahead and asked for the home phone number thats all that counts. So you should congratulate yourself. Youre getting hung up on some other stuff here. Maybe this is all Evas problem. Maybe you dont even want to get involved with someone like her have you thought of that? As Sal The Fish Love would say, You already gotta figure shes doing some kind of heavy number on her hubby, right?
Because guys, theres another type of woman who still has high Interest Level in her husband but when she sees a man she likes, she will flirt with him. And these are the women who tend to dress like sex kittens even after theyre married, because they want other guys watching them. Not that they want to get intimate or romantic with another guy, but they need the strokes. Its enough to make you think, whats wrong with the guy shes got? Why isnt one enough?
So dont go getting all bent out of shape here, Smith. You werent taken for a ride. You went in there and you spent a measly two minutes on Eva. You really get taken for a ride when youve been going with a babe for a year and a half and she empties your wallet. But this was no big deal you were never even in that cleaners before. Next time you go in, forget about dating Eva. Say to her Hey, you got a girlfriend for me?
Remember, guys: dont go blowing things out of
Ive been wanting to write you and thank you for your techniques. My buddies think Im crazy for listening to your advice, but here we go.
Several weeks ago my coworker Angela left the company we worked for and got another job. After being settled in there for a few weeks she e-mailed me with her new work phone number and her home phone number and suggested we get together. I didnt set a date up for about two months and then called Angela on a Friday night for coffee. Bad move on my part, I now realize, but I was feeling desperate.
We went out to a nice coffee shop here in Ventura. After ordering we sat down and talked. An hour later I stood up and said, Lets go. She asked why, and I answered that we were going to a club. She was surprised, but took me up on the idea. We danced for a couple of hours and then I drove her home. On the way she said she had a good time and that she enjoyed herself.
At her place I jumped out of the car and opened her door. She said thanks, but before she got to her gate, I pulled her back for a kiss. At first she gave me her cheek, but when I went for her lips, she reciprocated.
I waited until the following Tuesday and asked her out for Thursday for a sandwich and pool after work. At the sandwich shop we had a good conversation going, but when we drove to the pool hall, it went awry. We started talking about some negative stuff why she left her job and this seemed to get her down.
We did shoot a little pool and stayed out until 9:30, but it was strained. I drove her home and kissed her. She said she had fun and all was well or so I thought.
I called Angela the next Tuesday and again invited her out, for Chinese food and drinks. She said no, that she was busy. She didnt make a counteroffer. I havent heard from her since, and that was a couple of weeks ago.
Doc, Im completely bummed. What did I do wrong? The relationship seemed to go south on the basis of that one lousy conversation. Is that possible? Do you think I should ask Angela out again? If so, how should I go about it?
Stevie - whos scratching his head over what he said wrong
If your buddies think youre crazy, this means youve been force-feeding them The System. Only when they come to you in pain can you give them advice. But youre like a guy who suddenly doesnt drink anymore, and now hes seen the light and decides hes going to save the world. Dude, nobody wants to hear it. And dont forget, they might not be ex-alcoholics like you. So what you have to do is spoon-feed this information to your friends. Until theyve internalized it, Doc Love comes off as a ding-dong because theyve all been brainwashed by the Feministas, and their fathers never taught them that when theyre cooking soup theyve got to stir it -- nice and slow.
Now, on to Angela. Why in the world are you waiting TWO MONTHS to call this babe? If shes any kind of honey, there are going to be swarms of men buzzing around her. Youve got to go by my guidelines, and the guidelines say you should move a little faster than George Clooney making a marriage proposal.
Okay, so you were feeling desperate that Friday. But had you practiced Self-Control, which is an essential part of my methods, you would have said to yourself, No, Im not going to call Angela on a Friday night. I want her to think that Im with my two Playmates and not just gazing at their pictures in a magazine! So you werent paying close enough attention to my book. Remember, you have to memorize it.
Nevertheless, up to this point you were actually doing decently. But do yourself a favor -- STAY OUT OF THE CAR. There should have been a dance band right there at the restaurant! I want you guys to drive her to and from one place ONLY per date. Thats the rule here. To you Psych majors, unless youre making out with a girl, the car is a no-mans land where Interest Level goes to die.
So, Angela said she enjoyed herself. Know what Sal the Fish Love would had said to that? How much? You should have pressed the issue a little, pal. Any time a female hands you a compliment, you have to poke around a bit to see if theres anything real behind it, or shes just flirting and sending up a little smokescreen. Dont take what she says at face value. Learn to go beneath the surface like a love detective.
Sounds like you forced Angela into that first kiss, Stevie. Jeez, was that ever politically incorrect! A girl tells you no, and you plow ahead anyway? And a smooch, no less! Pretty heavy, man. If Angela were a doctoral candidate in womens studies or the history of feminism at some hoity-toity ladies college, you would have gotten 20 years in the slammer. Count yourself lucky, man!
But you made it to date number two anyway. That was the good part. The bad part is that youre driving around in your car with Angela again. Maybe you need to get a job as a chauffeur. You should have made the pool hall and sandwich shop a one-stop deal.
Now, as regards the so-called negative talk that sank your boat this is why God made girlfriends, Stevie. He made them so that THEY could listen to all this wah-wah, sob-sister stuff. Talking about losing jobs is not romantic, I got news for you. Crying over all the stuff that went wrong in her life does not raise Interest Level. So lets get off it and learn how to take control of the conversation and change the subject when it gets into the danger area.
Listen, all you geniuses: make sure you talk about something positive or funny. And Stevie, what you should have done was read Angelas body language earlier. If she starts to seem a little tired, or glances at her watch, or yawns, or looks around the room, its time to cut the date short. Your tryst with Angela should NEVER have fallen into the strained zone. You should have gotten out of there a lot sooner.
And you should have driven her home and not kissed her. If shes not all over you, dont try and force the issue. Why give her the satisfaction of turning you down? And if you want a little advanced advice pressuring a gal is a form of begging. You dont want to be a slavering dog, do you? As Brother Love would say, My man, where is your dignity? Where is your pride?
After that little disaster, you called her way too soon. I think Im going to dub you the King of the Telephone Blunders.
What did you do wrong, you ask? This might sound real strange, but you actually lowered Angelas Interest Level by your deportment. Its not possible to blow a relationship on one conversation, but thats what your ego wants you to believe.
Should you ask Angela out again? Tell you what -- youd have better luck buying a Powerball ticket.
Remember, guys: its a series of mistakes that takes
you out of the game.
I knew and dated Shakir for about three years. A few months ago she was being totally disrespectful toward me by criticizing, showing up late for dates, and even talking about other guys she might like to get to know. It got to be too much, so I decided not to take a beating and I walked out on her. It was hard because I still had feelings for her, but sometimes a guy has to do what a guy has to do.
Now Im confused about something. A few weeks later Shakir stopped by my job just to say Hi and see what was going on with me. This seemed kind of strange to me, since shed never done it before. I havent even tried to talk to her since she did this, which is now a couple of months ago.
Recently, out of the blue, she e-mailed me, wondering how Im doing and asking me to write her back. As I said earlier, this seems weird to me since in my experience girls just dont do this sort of thing. So I e-mailed her back about a week later. She wrote back again, saying she was glad I contacted her and how much she missed my stories, told me about her life some, and then asked for my input on what I think the name of her new band should be.
Again, Doc, this seems kind of unusual. I mean, we do have a LOT in common: the same TV shows, the same taste in music, and we both play guitar. Doesnt this seem like kind of high Interest Level on her part, and pretty much out of nowhere?
Am I mistaken about all this? Or did just letting Challenge build up work that well?
Another thing, Doc. Do you think I should make a move on Shakir and try and rekindle what we had? Ever since she initiated contact, I find myself drifting toward the past we had together.
Thanks for listening, Doc.
Davis - who wants to know if he has another shot
Youre asking me for advice, right? How can you expect me to give it to you when youre so vague about the particulars? You say youve been with Shakir for about three years. What does about mean? Is about 26 months or 38 months? I need to know exactly what were dealing with here. Does a prosecutor ever go to trial without all the evidence? No. Remember that. Having all the pieces of the puzzle makes a big difference.
Now let me ask you this. When your little Brittney Spears look-alike started dissing you, why didnt you leave sooner? As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, Whats the matter with you, boy you got rocks in your head? Why did you take all her abuse for so long? When you finally woke up and hit the bricks, it wasnt a matter of dignity on your part. You just got weary of the beating she was dishing out. Sure, you had feelings for her. But if she looked like Oprah, a blind man would have left! And yes, there does come a point when a guy has to do what a guy as to do next time, though, do it way, way sooner!
Now let me explain something to you, Davis. Shakir didnt just stop by to see what was going on with you. The reason she did it was because she wants you back -- so she can reject you. See, you beat her to the punch and got out first. It ticked her off. What you were supposed to do was stay and endure more of the beatings. Thats what guys are programmed to do, right? And remember, a guys got to do what a guys got to do!
Now, its good that you havent tried to talk to Shakir. Its admirable that youve stayed away, though no doubt you were tempted a hundred times to go chasing after her like a chump. This girl didnt treat you with respect, and so you did the right thing the only thing you could do. So what it means is that you did one thing right so far. Lets hope you can make it two.
Pal, take your head out of the sand. Of course girls do this sort of thing get in touch with guys -- all the time! Especially when you dont grovel like a worm. When you dont beg and plead with her to stay, get down and kiss her feet, and offer your house to live in and some cheap jewelry, then they have to come back because theyre wondering how you can live without their abuse. Unfortunately, this is just their bruised egos talking. And Challenge doesnt work on ego. Challenge works only on Interest Level.
So yes, Shakirs appearance on the scene seems out of nowhere, but its not indicative of high Interest Level. You just rubbed the poor babys ego wrong. To you Psych majors, Challenge works on Interest Level of 51% or higher. Shakirs Interest Level is somewhere between 1% and 49%.
The name of your exs new band should be You Cant Go Back. Of course you and she have a lot of stuff in common. Except for one thing: your Interest Levels arent both high. So what it boils down to in reality is that you have nothing in common. All this other stuff music, TV shows, etc. -- is superfluous. They dont mean a thing.
Buddy, let me try and save you some anguish here. Dont go making a move on Shakir. Its a waste of time. Youve got to realize that its definitely over with her. What youre going to do instead is play a little head game with her. Youll give her something back, throw out a little bait, just enough to lure her in. Then youll really realize what a psycho-case you were in love with. Plus youll learn a lot more about women in general.
So heres what you do. Ask Shakir to give you a call. When she does, tell her that your date is cooking a gourmet dinner in the kitchen for you and that you really cant talk now. Throw in that your little servant girl doesnt mean anything to you at all -- that she, Shakir, is the only one who counts. Give her a little smooch over the wire, then hang up.
Every time Shakir calls, youre going to have a date over doing something for you. Count how many times she calls you. After five or six, ask her to get together. When she accepts the date, youre going to call her back and break it. Youre going to be the first man in 6,000 years to ever break a date. Then youll wait for her to phone you back again.
But Davis, dont ever place yourself under the illusion that this Hillary Duff wannabe has high Interest Level in you. You two are just engaged in a battle of the egos. But with the head-trips youre going to use youll be playing with her for once, and youll be in control of what's going on. And, like I said before, youll be shocked what you learn about the opposite sex.
And as far as the past goes, youre only remembering the good parts -- not the bad ones. Remember all the criticizing? The showing up late? The talk about other guys? Like Sal The Fish Love would put it, Your relationship with Shakir should have been one date and fugget about it!
Remember, guys: once you break up, you dont get
Ive read all your material and followed your techniques with much success these last couple of years. In all my flings and relationships until now, the woman had a higher Interest Level in me than I did in her, so I never had any problems. I was also the one who ended every relationship.
My current girlfriend of six months, Amber, 24, moved in with me three months ago. (Im 31, by the way.) Shes the cousin of a good friend of mine, so when she needed a temporary place to stay, I offered my apartment. We were already romantically close, and since I know her family, there didnt seem much harm in my offer. As a live-in girlfriend she is supportive, she cooks and cleans, and she follows me everywhere I go. She is always romantic when I want to be romantic, and she has very much made my apartment her home. She also talks about our future together. To remain a Challenge as best as I can, I always allow Amber lots of freedom and stay out of her way, which is hard because she is a solid 9 and gets a lot of attention from guys everywhere we go.
If the Bottom Line Factor states that Only a womans actions truly reflect her feelings toward you, then I have no worries. But theres a problem.
Amber is super-friendly with everybody and cant seem to say no to anyone. For instance, she is in regular communication with her ex-boyfriend of five years (she ended it about a year ago). She never talks to him or e-mails him while I am around, but I have tracking software on my home computer that registers all inbound and outbound communication. The guy loves her and wants her back, and although she doesnt suggest they get back together, she is very affectionate with him and seems almost nostalgic. My guess is she still has feelings for him but knows that he is not right for her. By the way, they dont see each other because he lives in another city.
Whats more, Amber also communicates with several other guys shes met and dated over the years, some from as far back as college, and is flirty with all of them. Considering that she lives with me, I feel that this shows a deep lack of Integrity. What do you think, Doc? Is she using me while keeping her options open, or is this just how 24-year-old girls act nowadays? Or does Amber have a serious character flaw that would warrant me ending this relationship?
Martin - who is seriously confused by her facade and starting to feel used
First of all, let me point out that coming into this thing with Amber you were definitely on the right track. And this is what I try and teach you guys: as long as her Interest Level is higher than yours, youre not going to have any problems. But guess what? Most of the time it isnt higher. Most of the time its the other way around, and you poor schmucks are facing mind games, head trips and that ugliest of all emotions, rejection. (And, Martin, the fact that you ended every relationship before Amber was a very good sign. That, or you dated a lot of Cocker Spaniels and Labrador Retrievers!)
Now, lets examine where you went off the track. The first time was letting Amber move in with you after only three months. Dude, where the hecks the fire? Its too soon to be fitting a noose around your neck. Thats the problem here you definitely rushed it. You just dont go out with someone for three months and move in with her or marry her. PERIOD. Thats the rule. The same goes for offering your apartment as a crash pad. BIG mistake. Way too heavy. It shows youre available too available. It shows youre gaga over this babe, and the only thing that can do in the long run is erode Interest Level.
Remind me to keep you away from my daughters, Martin. And if her family has any class, theyre not going to like the fact that their little princess is living in sin. Some upstanding son-in-law youre going to be! As Brother Love likes to say, Remember, if you want to preserve it over the long haul, you have to be conservative.
Nevertheless, sounds like youre made in the shade, pal. Youve got a real sweet deal going. Amber cooks, cleans and follows you around. Does she wag her tail, too? Well, so far everything is fabulous so far.
But shes communicating with her ex. Before she moved in and she told you about all the old boyfriends, it was an indication right then and there that something was off. It was a HUGE RED FLAG. Why would you want to get closer to a broad who still has her exes on her mind? Think about it. Amber told you she ended this thing a year ago? No, she didnt. Thats just the WomannTalk talking. Thats the BIG LIE. The truth is, its still going on. Shes still playing with this suckers head!
So you caught on to Amber a little too late. But when it comes to your computer tracking equipment, I have to say youre the greatest! Fantastic! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, Now youre cooking with gas! Youre thinking like a real love detective on Love And Order! Thats what I want from you guys the hard evidence. With hard evidence we can crack a case.
But youve got to learn to correctly interpret that evidence. You tell me Ambers nostalgic with ex number one. You say shes very affectionate. What do you mean by that? Does she tell him I miss you? Youve got to define your terms more specifically. What exactly is she doing? Does she say shes ready and willing to come back and cook and clean for him, too? Whatever -- shes gabbing with the guy anyway. I dont care if theyre talking about the price of tea in Mexico, theyre still talking. It doesnt make any difference. To you Psych majors, there are no clean deals.
Thank God the ex lives in another city, Martin. But how about all the other guys shes talking to in town that you dont know about? What about the guys who dont have computers and dont believe in cybersex?
What I think is that youve got a moneymaking machine here in Amber. You ought to list this girl in the back pages of the Village Voice and the girly magazines and put her to work! But seriously, your girlfriend has a problem. It may be lack of Self-Esteem, it may be lack of Integrity, but since I dont own a sheepskin in abnormal psychology, its not my place to say. But the point here is that you knew going into this thing that she was in contact with the exes. So whatd you go and do? You tried to knock them out of the saddle by coming on heavy i.e., moving fast -- which is anti-Challenge.
From what your evidence tells us, youre probably not dealing here so much with a matter of low Interest Level from Amber as you are something else. We can call it a character deficiency, or something like that.
Still and all, like Sal The Fish Love says, I dont care if she loves 50 guys shes not in their apartment. Shes in yours. So it all depends on how youre built. It depends on what youre capable of putting up with. If it were me, I wouldnt want her talking to other guys. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has to do with RESPECT.
Remember, guys: when they have low Self-Esteem, one guy
Ive got a little situation here. Ive been dating Parker for three months now and things having been going fine except for this one phone conversation the other night that threw me for a loop. It revolved around her ex- boyfriend, who she still sees on a regular basis. (They run a business together.) Anyway, she wanted to know if I felt comfortable with that situation. The conversation then somehow shifted to the topic of cheating. She asked me how I felt about it, and if I would ever take a girlfriend back if she cheated on me.
Well, I told her that I wouldnt think twice about ditching that person since I wouldnt want to be with someone who was a backstabber. Parker was very upset with this response. She then said that if I happened to cheat on her, she would take me back since shes a forgiving person and that I should see the good in people like she does. I sensed some anger in her tone when she asked if I believe that people could change. I told her that I wouldnt want to take on the task of changing anyone and that Im not a therapist. This angered her further. She also said that things sometimes happen and that people make mistakes, especially under the influence of alcohol. Then I asked if she had done anything with her ex since we started dating, and her response was Tonight? (Meaning as opposed to all the other nights!) I thought this was very strange. Then I asked if she still has feelings for this guy and she said that there are no sparks between them, but that she still finds him very attractive.
Then Parker confessed that her ex had asked her to stay over at his place about a week ago but that he told her to take the bed and hed sleep on the couch. To make the story a little more interesting, she added that he said he respects what she has with me and wouldnt put her in a position where she would have to say no to him. And oh, that hes a very physical person.
Then she told me that she didnt sleep over at his house that night after all. I had a gut feeling that something happened between them and told her so. I requested some time to myself to think about all this and she began to cry, but she really didnt put up much of a fight after I basically accused her of being a cheater. But she told me that I took everything the wrong way because she just wanted to know how I felt about cheating. She then told me to take as much time as I needed.
Doc, do you think I overreacted? Should I call Parker back? And the most important question of all do you think she cheated?
Kenyon - who cant figure out what she was trying to say
Jeez, pal, you screwed up so many times I hardly know where to start! But well wade through your mess step by step anyway to see where you went wrong.
First of all, WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TALKING TO THIS BABE ON THE PHONE? You should only talk to a woman face to face. This demonstrates to me that youre way too loose with her and that youre not abiding by my rules. So odds are you wont keep Parker. And I also tell you in the Dating Dictionary to never talk about other guys with a woman. And Parker seems to be yakking about this ex of hers all the time! Instead of getting enmeshed when she brings up his name, your response should be Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And then you change the subject.
But Parker and the other guy run a business together. So now here you are getting involved with someone who still sees her ex on a regular basis! Why is she maintaining a tie to him? Why didnt she cut the business in half if it was truly over between them? Why didnt she buy him out or vice-versa? These are the questions you have to ask, dude. You have to be like a forensic scientist at a crime scene. You have to be the equivalent of Sam Waterston on Law And Order (except that youll be a love cop on Love And Order). And you have to be very, very specific, and think about and dissect the evidence.
When Parker asked if you felt comfortable with her situation, she was trying to put you on the defensive. To you Psych majors, women are master intimidators. It was a no-win situation for you. If you say youre comfortable with it, youre lying straight through your teeth. If you say youre not, then youre also doing something wrong because now youre being insecure. So its a very intimidating, aggressive question. (Nice girl, this Parker, right? She sure knows how to calm a guys fears about the competition! What a prize!) So what you should have said to her was Why wouldnt I be? and knocked the ball right back into Serenas teeth! Then you should have added, Why do you ask? What did you have in mind?
You tell her you dont like backstabbers. You, Kenyon, and 99% of all the women in the world who dont dig cheaters. So what do you have here, with Parker? Shes the 1% that thinks its perfectly okay to betray a guy! Then she has the gall to tell you to see the good in people and that you should take a cheater back!
That was the perfect opening for you. You should have come right back with Hey -- you got a hot girlfriend I can start cheating with right now? (And you should have asked the question face to face!) She wanted to know if you think people can change. Rightfully, you dont want to be a crutch to this bird with a broken wing. But look, SHES TELLING YOU HER VALUE STRUCTURE. SHES TELLING YOU HOW SHE REALLY LOOKS AT THINGS. This is so important, man! Like the great genius Doctor Freud once said, Youre really seeing the kind of cuckoo youd be living with in the same cage for the rest of your life if you said those terrible words: I do.
That remark about booze was particularly revealing. If I were you, pal, Id want to make sure I counted Parkers drinks on every date from now on in! And when she came back with that snotty question about whether she cheated tonight, you should have pinned her down on the facts. Since youve broken up with your ex, has he tried to kiss you? Did you try and push him away? You should have made the whole thing black and white you cant ever give a woman wiggle room. Because like my Uncle Jethro Love says, When you give a wench room to wiggle, shell dive right into Womanese, my boy!
Ah, what a fine gentleman Parkers ex is, not wanting to put her in the terribly uncomfortable position of having to say no to him. Of course not he just wants her in his bed, thats all! This guy really beats around the bush! You know what hes a physical person means, dont you? It means hes all hands! When she said she didnt sleep over that night after all, that translates as she left at 4 a.m.!
As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, My man, youre drowning in a sea of Womanese!
That said, I dont think you overreacted to what she told you. I think you handled the situation decently, but next time you should be more specific in your accusations and questioning.
Should you call Parker back? What for? Are you two going to go and live on the psycho farm together and have little baby psychos? I dont think so. This broad is off in la-la land! You wont make it 40 years with this girl in a cabin in the snow up in Anchorage. Like Sal The Fish Love says, It aint gonna fly!
Do I think Parker cheated, Kenyon? Let me ask you this: Does Donald Trump have pretty hair?
Remember, guys: when youve got a nutcase on your
hands, please move on.
I know Im not the typical person who contacts you, but Im hoping you can give me some advice here.
Im actually writing for my son, Robbie. Hes young 14 a freshman in high school, and has really discovered girls just lately. (Im sure he noticed them before, but now hes getting serious.) The problem is that he doesnt know his butt from his elbow about what to do with them. I guess all of us guys have been there, but since I love the kid, I was hoping that maybe I could save him some of the agony and torture that I went through until I figured out which end was up. But Doc, it doesnt seem to be working. In the first place, he doesnt want to listen to his old man, and in the second, hes already acting like a complete fool when hes around the opposite sex.
For example, he doesnt know how to talk to girls whatsoever. Hes got a crush on Julie, a girl in his class. He cant seem to bring himself to have a conversation with her in person, so he calls her on the phone at her home, says hello to her, then, when she doesnt respond, theres just dead air until she says she has to go and hangs up. I know about this because he has admitted as much to me. When I try and make a suggestion, he wants no part of it. Frankly, Doc, he thinks Im totally un-hip. Hey, maybe I am.
Its very frustrating for me to watch this because Robbie is a good-looking kid, and despite his ineptitude is very intelligent. I hate to see him suffer for nothing.
I was referred to you by a friend who swears by your columns and books. He even calls himself a disciple of yours. That got me reading your column on Askmen.com and I found myself intrigued. But I do have to wonder if your material is appropriate for younger people. Do you think they have the capacity to understand it? Do they have the self-control to practice it? Do you think it would be a good idea for me to buy The System for my son? Is the book good for people of all ages?
While youre at it, Doc, would you have a simple tip that might get Robbie started with Julie? Thanks for anything you might be able to give me.
Carter - whod do anything to help his kid
Youre right -- youre not exactly the typical desperado who writes to me, but a considerable minority of my sales are to people who would like to see their grandchildren. What does that tell you, pal?
What most people dont realize is that with the divorce rate as high as it is, and with women filing two-thirds of the time, the odds are not good that theyre going to be seeing their own grandchildren. And so for parents who have sons, whether theyre 14 or 18 or 22, the sooner they get The System the better -- it dramatically increases the chances that their parents are going to be able see their own grandkids.
Because what happens after a divorce is that the grandparents are forgotten. Ive read quite a few articles in various publications about these poor people fighting for their rights in this area. When the wife takes the kids after a bloody courtroom battle, its all over but the weeping.
Now come on, Carter, your kid shouldnt know what to do with girls hes only 14! Hes not 24, so lighten up on him! Like Sal The Fish Love says, Even Warren Beatty wasnt Warren Beatty when he was a kid! And although your heart is in the right place, and as much as you dont want to see him make the mistakes that have to be made and that you no doubt made yourself, you cant save him from the inevitable agony and torture that results from the battlefield of dating. Until the boy is ready, you have to keep your mouth shut until he asks you a question -- then you slip him The Dating Dictionary. But before you do that, YOU need to study it in order to properly feed him the correct information. (And theres a bonus in it for you -- it will help you with Mom!)
If Robbies not ready to listen to his old man, it means hes just not ready. The sad truth, Carter, is that hell have to come to you when hes in enough pain. So youre going to have let him go out there and get brutalized. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Dont worry the American female will take good care of him. When she hands him his head enough times, then maybe youll be able to do something for him!
Dont sweat it if he acts like a complete fool around the opposite sex, pal. I see otherwise successful 38-year-old guys who act like bumbling idiots around women and would never even dream of opening my book if you gave it to them gift-wrapped. So dont feel alone, or like youre the oddball on the block because your kid isnt Jack Nicholson. Not knowing what to do when it comes to women is a widespread condition. Why do you think theres so much misery in the world?
But sure, when you make a suggestion, Robbie wants no part of it he needs to come to you for help first. So let him keep getting the cold shoulder. Let him keep getting the phone slammed down in his ear. What you might suggest to him is something like, When girls like you, they help you out! (Although its basic, this is a brilliant observation, Carter. Youd be surprised how many men never figure it out for themselves!) And then dont say any more to him. See what he does with it.
Rest assured that your son is not suffering for nothing theres a light at the end of the tunnel. When he finally does get around to my principles, hell be able to relate to them because hes been there: hes been stuck in that lousy, powerless position where his Heidi Klum look-alike is playing with his heart like it was a 50-cent yo-yo. So the bitter truth is that hes got to get knocked around some first.
To move on to your next question, my techniques are appropriate for any guy who likes women and hates rejection the most despised emotion. Do the younger ones have the capacity to understand it? Well, youve got to spoon-feed it to them when they ask for advice dole it out a little bit at a time. Do they have the self-control to practice it? Depends on the individual and how much pain hes in.
As long as youre breathing and have $99, my book is good for you, and thats the beauty of it. Buy it for yourself, dude, and read it, so youre ready for anything Robbie throws at you. When he turns 18, present it to him. But until then youll just have to play the part of Doc Love.
Robbie doesnt need any tips on Julie. You have to wait for him to come to you.
Remember, guys: youve got to be ready to handle the
Since learning your principles, I find myself being a little too picky and looking too hard at a womans flaws when Im in the initial dating period. I know you tell us to pretend shes ugly when were on a first date, and the more we withdraw the more shell chase. But I think this theory has clouded my judgment. Ive come to the conclusion that maybe no woman is good enough to have my children! Whats even worse is that now I find myself not even bothering to call some of the girls who give me their numbers because Im thinking about how bad it will be before I even get to know them!
It seems to me that this celebrity, beauty and wealth age were living in have changed women a lot. Almost every girl out there has low self-esteem, even the beautiful ones, thanks to the magazines and entertainment shows. And they show you how insecure they are right off the bat. I use The System in my favor to get these women to chase me, and thats the beauty of it. But do I want some insecure girl as my potential wife? So heres my question, Doc: is there a way to date a woman and help her feel good about herself WITHOUT having to kiss her butt and constantly reinforce her with positive feedback?
Also, is it all right if she has some problems that arent so bad? For instance, say that she gets a little shy at a wedding where she doesnt know anybody, and so she just sits there quietly. Its not the worst thing, right? (Still, for myself, Id like to have a woman whos very outgoing at social gatherings.) At the same time, I dont want to have to always be telling her, Youre a strong, powerful woman. People would love to get to know you. You should be happy to make new acquaintances and blah, blah, blah.
One more thing. You tell us to be more like Cary Grant and to study the master. Ive rented and watched a ton of his movies. One thing Ive noticed is that in a lot of his movies Cary is divorced. It seems that even Cary Grant couldnt keep the girls from walking out! In The Awful Truth he divorced his wife in a matter of seconds when he found out she might be lying to him. But he was still Cary Grant! There was ALWAYS another woman waiting for him. I dont look like Cary and Im not the rich socialite he played in a lot of his films, so it would appear that I may have to cut women a little more slack. Somehow I dont think Grace Kelly is out there just waiting to fall head over heels for me.
Vince - whos afraid of ending up with nothing
Gee, pal, youre going to be a real picnic for some poor female to live with! How do you think Alec Baldwin managed to drive the beautiful Kim Basinger and their daughter clear across the country? Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick!
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, Boy, you aint gonna get a gal by attacking her with a bow and arrow and slingshot, so you best put em away! In other words, forget about being so critical and faultfinding before you even get started with a potential date. What you should be doing is looking only at the girls Interest Level. We will study her Attitude and baggage later, guys!
Initially, all I want you to do is raise her Interest Level. Get the woman to like you more. If you meet someone and come away with her home phone number, you can safely assume that her Interest Level is 51%. After you get back from Starbucks or your first major date, I want it to be at least 52% or higher. And thats all you should be concentrating on right now.
You shouldnt be knocking a woman out of the box before you even know her name because of her hang-ups. I think its great that you see them, Vince, but remember -- youre not perfect either. Duh! So -- you want me to believe that no woman is good enough for you. That has to be one of the dumbest statements Ive ever heard, pal! There are millions of great women out there. You simply cant make a stupid blanket statement like that.
You have to make sure that youre thinking straight, and thats what The System helps you to do. It makes you face REALITY. You yourself said that almost every woman feels lousy about herself. What you mean then, is that there are some together ones left, right? You contradicted what you said in the first paragraph of your letter.
I mean, think about it. Out of 3 billion women on the face of the planet, theres not one good one? Of course there is! Youre over-generalizing. Like Brother Love says, Youre bitter about something and youre throwing in the towel! Dont let my principles hurt you. If nothing else, you should be happy that your awareness level is a lot higher as a result of studying my rules.
Now, let me straighten you out about something else here. Just because youre going out with a girl doesnt mean that youre going to marry her. Slow down, cowboy! Dont go worrying about a potential wife before you get the horse out of the starting gate. Nevertheless, you need to practice on these girls, which will reinforce the axioms of The System.
Vince, I dont ever tell you to kiss a girls butt. You show me where in my teachings Ive ever asked you to do anything remotely like that and Ill kiss Roseannes big, fat butt! What I tell you is to be a gentleman, and show manners and class, and to keep it light and funny. Please dont misinterpret my words.
Is it all right if the girl has some problems? Of course it is! If you find one whos 100% perfect, tell me who she is! Ive got a hundred bucks that says its not going to happen. Of course her problems are a matter of degree and quantity. If her only hang-up is that shes shy at a wedding, but other than that shes a great person, Ill put up with the shyness. (Hey, if shes a little bashful, just ask her to dance!)
What you guys have to do is determine the part that you can live with. To you Psych majors, you have to figure out what you want in a woman. If being outgoing at a social gathering is your number-one priority, you have to factor that in, obviously. But dont forget, lots of people are shy until they get to know someone, so Id cut her a break there. But again, it depends completely on what you value.
And by the way, Vince, it wont kill you to tell her once that shes strong and powerful. Why? Because its the loving thing to do.
Now, lets tackle the subject of the master, Cary Grant. Sure, Cary got divorced here and there. My advice to you is to not study that part! And youve got it completely backwards, dude Cary got rid of them, not vice-versa!
One last thing: dont shortchange yourself. Maybe the reincarnation of Grace Kelly is waiting out there for you. And if not her, then maybe Cameron Diaz is. Dont forget Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett, then the cameraman. And guess what, fellas? Shes not perfect either. But the point is that you never know, and thats the beauty of life and dating.
Remember, guys: the purpose of the The System
is to make you more aware, not to make you bitter.
I havent seen you talk a whole lot about this online dating thing, and Im just wondering what you feel is the best way to handle it if you decide to use the online personals.
For instance, when you scroll through the candidates and see something that you like, do you think its best to send her an e-mail with a subject line like Hi and nothing else? And then in the body of the message write, Hi, how are you? -- and nothing else? In other words, dont put your name or ANYTHING else. Your principles suggest that women love mystery, and so maybe that sort of thing would work what do you think?
Doc, do you think I should ask her to send me her most recent picture? Can I really tell how she looks from whats on the website? Also, how do you feel about a personal ad that contains a lot of bedroom material? In other words when a female is using Womanese for Im fast and easy?
Another question I have is, how long should you wait for her to get back to you? I ask this because the girl in question may only check the website youre using once every two months or something like that.
Which leads me to my next question. If she responds, what should you do then? Should it be something simple like asking her to meet you at Starbucks or something more elaborate like dinner or a movie? (I figure if you get her to meet you at Starbucks, you can tell right off the bat whether you have any interest in seeing her again, right?)
Well, Doc, I know this is a lot of questions, but I hope you can give me some good guidance here. Im sort of afraid to contact any one of the girls Im interested in for fear of making a mistake. Ive made enough of those with the opposite sex to be wary, believe me.
Thanks in advance for any tips.
Anthony - whos clueless at the terminal
Well, pal, youre on to some half-good ideas, but you need a little more training before you take the playing field. By the time Im through with you, youll be ready to handle anything you come up against in the world of cyber dating and youll be hitting home runs.
To begin with, Hi is just a little too anemic, Anthony. Theres no selling of yourself involved. So youre going to do something much craftier instead. When you spot a babe you like online, youre going to drop her an e-mail with a Hi, and add a nice little note that says I found your profile interesting. Dont forget when Arthur Miller snagged Marilyn Monroe, it was because he told her he loved her for what was on the inside!
Of course, youve already seen her lovely face with its Angelina-Jolie bee-stung lips and Nicole-Kidman come-hither eyes, but youre entirely too slick to fall for what every other dolt falls for. Instead, youre going to pounce on her incredibly fascinating brains and personality, and the fact that shes a chemist or corporate attorney or reference librarian. (Dont laugh you should see some reference librarians!)
And the best thing is, youre not coming on too heavy when you tell her shes interesting. To you Psych majors, you always have to tell a woman you love her for her mind not because you cant wait to ravish those fat, luscious lips. And shes going to believe it -- for at least a little while.
So thats all you need to do at first: Hi. I find you interesting. Anthony. (Okay, you can even go one step further: I find your expertise in the latest computer technology captivating.)
Another problem you have when you dont say anything else but Hi is that you come dangerously close to being in what we call stalker territory. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, Youre giving the poor girl the creeps, dude! You aint getting any dates that way!
So with that terse salutation youve gone a little too far. You have to move it back over to the center. To get anywhere, you have to at least come across as normal. Women hate two things: guys who beg and stalkers. We dont want you being either one. Sure, women love mystery, but with the one-word approach youll end up on City Confidential or Americas Most Wanted.
Now lets get something straight, Anthony. YOU ARE GOING TO SEE HER PICTURE. Youre not doing ANYTHING without first setting eyes on some likeness of her. Otherwise, youre not dropping her one single, solitary line. Youre not going to contact anybody who doesnt have a photo up on the website period. Because its a waste of time, and youre not going to waste time. The girls who dont put up their picture are either psychos or FBI agents or Rosie ODonnells ugly sister. And as long as it isnt her high school cheerleading snapshot, youll be able to get some idea of what she really looks like.
Now, lets move on to those females who post bedroom profiles. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, This honeys odometer has more miles on it than a cross-country Mack truck! Youre better off staying away from a number like that, even if shes a dead ringer for Vanessa Williams. If you mess with one of those, Anthony, youre in for nothing but TROUBLE.
Guy, if a girl only checks the website every couple of months, it shows shes not serious about dating and youre looking for somebody who is -- so she automatically disqualifies herself. On the other hand, we dont care if she gets back to you in an hour or a year. As long as she does and she passes the physical, and she saw your picture and you guys are now conversing by keyboard, well then, youre on way.
Thats when you ask for the home phone number. And its okay for her not to give it to you. I hope she doesnt want to give it to you. I hope she doesnt give it to you because then theres a chance shes a classy broad. If she gives her number out to every guy who sends her an e-mail, shes desperate. And desperate means low self-esteem, and I want you to have a self-sufficient woman with healthy self-respect. So again The System protects you by eliminating the losers and whack-jobs. (Gee I dont know why Oprah wont have me on her show!)
Fella, we dont do dinners and movies. Youre going to suggest that you meet at Starbucks. Were going to do 30 or 40 minutes there with our cafe lattes. Then, at the end of our little date, were going to ask her for the home phone number. And what were interested in at that point is HER Interest Level -- not yours.
Remember, guys: when youre with her at Starbucks,
keep it light and funny.
Ive been dating Brittany for 16 months now. Everything has been going very well and she has demonstrated Flexibility, caring, and is not structured. But Im curious about an issue that came up this week. Im now studying your Dating Dictionary and one thing that sticks out to me is that when you do something nice for her, she should come back with a high level of appreciation and return the gesture in some way.
Well, about three months ago, Brittanys cell phone broke and she was issued a new one through her insurance program. From the beginning, she hated everything about the phone, from the way it looked to the way it worked. She actually talked about how much she hated it every day. Now I know that a cell phone isnt the most romantic gift, but for her thirtieth birthday, I thought Id surprise her with a new one. It was quite expensive ($200) and I was really looking forward to having her pick it up. I was giving her hints to drive her crazy through the week, which was fun. I also put together a little surprise dinner for her with some friends and her parents. Pretty good, right?
Well, after work on her birthday we met and I walked Brittany to the Sprint store, told her to pick out a phone and said Happy Birthday! Her reaction was not what I expected. She said, Oh, you didnt have to do this. I was just complaining. And I dont want you to spend money for a phone because these companies all annoy me.
I was crushed and in a funk for the rest of the night. I kept thinking that she should have just sucked it up and pretended to like the phone. But part of me wanted her to have a gift she likes too and I could appreciate her honesty. We never did buy the phone and now shes kind of backtracked and says we should get it because it was my idea and that makes it special. But I know she doesnt really want it and now I dont want to buy it.
Now up to this point, Brittanys always been affectionate and still has her hands all over me. I dont know if she used the phone incident as a distancing technique or what. Im also an emotional guy (Ive learned a lot from you about Self-Control) so I dont quite know how to react. Its several days later and Im still bummed and acting a little cold toward her and I know I shouldnt do that. Do I need to loosen up? What would you suggest as a next move?
Thanks a lot, Doc. Youre always a tremendous help.
Carmelo - who feels like he got slapped in the face
Sure, buddy. Brittany (and every woman for that matter) should come right back with an appreciative gesture assuming shes a Flexible Giver. But are you sure thats what you have here? You say that you heard about how much Brittany hated her phone every day. Every single day. Then you tell me shes Flexible. As Sal The Fish Love says, Hey, baby -- aint that a contradiction in terms? Because it sounds to me like shes as structured as the U.S. tax system! Beating you over the head again and again and again with the same thing -- isnt that the very definition of nagging? Jeez, pal; maybe you better clean the potatoes out of your ears!
So my question to you is this: are you really reading the Dating Dictionary? I think youve got the wrong book!
But lets give Brittany the benefit of the doubt anyway and move on. Okay. She tells you about 90 times how volatile she is in the area of cell phones. She badgers you every single day with how much she hates the one shes got. (By the way, maybe your girl hates the gadgets because her boss can always get to her no matter where she is did you think of that?) So what do you do? You go and set her up with a CELL PHONE!
Why would cell phones even enter your mind? As my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Didnt you see that you were walking a dangerous, dangerous line here? Sure it was fun dropping hints to Brittany but it wasnt fun for long once she saw what her birthday gift was!
Now I will give you this the little surprise soiree you planned was a phenomenal gesture on your part. This shows you have a lot of class. (But the other part, the part about the cell phone well, Carmelo, I dont want you to mail my book back so I wont tell you how I really feel on that one!)
As soon as Brittany said Oh, you didnt have to do this, you should have said Come on, honey, I know how you feel about cell phones I was just pulling your leg! Then you should have taken her by the arm, escorted her out of the phone store and walked her straight into Tiffanys! Shes telling you constantly how all cell phone companies drive her insane, and you try and play kissy by treading in an area where you dont know how shes going to react. The phone has been driving her nuts for months, and youre going to get her another one? Hello? Better wake up and smell the jungle gardenias!
Of course Brittany should have sucked it up but shes been telling you all along how much she hates cell phones! If she told you she hated rat poison, would you go out and buy her a bottle of the stuff to drink? Now if shed told you once that she hated her cell phone, you would have done the right thing by buying her a new one. And then she could have sucked it up, even if she was under-whelmed by being on the receiving end of an un-romantic gift. But, jeez, man, she clobbered you over the head every day with it. What else could you expect?
But you painted yourself into a nifty corner, like most idiots. So go buy her the cell phone, Carmelo, and you suck it up. Brittany wasnt distancing herself from you, not at all. The problem was that you presumed to know her taste in the area of mobile telecommunications. She told you incessantly that she loathed what he had and youre going to take the chance finding one thats better? Am I getting through to you now?
So youre emotional, huh, and youve learned a lot from me about Self-Control. Is that why youre acting cold towards Brittany? Isnt that called pouting? No offense, guy, but you get an F+ in that subject.
Wanna know how to react? Put on a happy face. Keep it light, keep it funny, and go buy her the phone. A week later youre going to buy her a dozen roses, and when she asks you why you did it, youre going to say Because youre you, thats why! And next time, before you do anything stupid, use what God put between your ears.
Your next move? I know a nice igloo in Alaska where you can go and just sit and read the Dating Dictionary over and over for the next six months! And in case you didnt notice, you slapped Brittany in the face, Carmelo by giving her the wrong gift on her birthday.
Remember, guys: before you take any action, think it
Ive got a problem I bet youve never seen or heard of before. But first a little background.
I met Melinda six months ago at a local airport where Im a weekend flight instructor. She took several lessons from me before the relationship turned from teacher-student to something more romantic. We started to date and for a couple of months everything was great. We have lots of things in common aside from flying planes were of the same religion, have similar political points of view, and share many of the same desires for what we want to do in the long run with our lives.
Melinda is extremely attractive and very intelligent. Since she is fun-loving and adventurous, I mistook those things for some of the character traits you list as the most important in your writings, and this is where I ran into trouble and where the problem comes in.
It seems that Melinda is something of a daddys girl, and I think this has the potential to drive me crazy and ruin the entire relationship. For instance, we were having dinner at her apartment a few weeks ago when the phone rang. She got up to answer it, which annoyed me since we were smack in the middle of what I thought was a romantic evening. Well, her father (who bought Melinda her own small plane, incidentally) wanted to talk about some problem he was having at his business and she sat there rapping with him for about 45 minutes until the food went stone cold. I was furious, but said nothing. When she finally hung up the romantic spell was broken. She told me, I hope you didnt mind that, but my dad and I are really close and we always consult each other when theres a problem.
Since then Ive begun to notice that instead of being Flexible and Giving, Melinda is quite rigid when it comes to her father. They definitely seem to be each others favorite person in life. Whats worse is that he doesnt think all that much of me. Even though I know how to fly a plane and make a decent living working as a manager for a medical advertising agency, I get the distinct feeling that he thinks Im not quite good enough for his little princess.
Most disturbing of all is that we recently had an argument and instead of working it out with me, she called her father to talk about it. It makes me think that in the event of a serious problem, shell run off to him rather than stick it out with me.
Doc, whats your take on this? Is this typical female behavior? What do you think I should do?
James - whos not a mammas boy
Its a real shame youre having problems with Melinda, because your relationship started off on the best foot possible. As a teacher youre in a sweet position. Its kind of like being a celebrity, but on a smaller scale. In the teacher-student situation the woman is looking up to you, plus she wants to learn something and youre supposedly the best at it because youre the expert. So you have what I call Position or Posture coming into the relationship. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Heck, man, youre looking good even before she meets you! (All of this presupposes that youre not taking advantage of the situation, of course!)
And you got a bonus, pal, in that you two have pretty much everything in common. You are so, so lucky because just look at how many people in this world get married with nothing in common, and they dont spend any time finding the things that theyd like to do together.
So you really have it beat here -- youre coming in from a strong place, and to boot your values and hobbies are the same. You and Melinda are fortunate to have something good but like most things in life, it wont last.
Because youre right, James, like most clueless guys you mistook what you and Melinda had in common for the really important things which I call Integrity, Giving and Flexibility. You just accepted her at face value without checking to see whether she really had those key personality traits. The truth is that your eyes were closed -- because you were sharing too many laughs with this beauty.
But now youre not laughing anymore. Your romantic evening with Melinda was a big deal, the real litmus test. What she did by ignoring you was either totally disrespectful, or she has higher Interest Level in somebody else.
Now I want you Psych majors to take note of this. If this babe talks to her daddy for 45 minutes two or three times a year, you should marry her. Because it says something good about her character. But if she does it two or three times a month, itll drive you nuts. Then you have to get rid of her. Lets face it: if Melinda consults her father whenever she has a problem, in Womanese it means hes closer to her than youll ever be.
I have to correct you on something here, Jimbo. Actually, Melinda is not a rigid girl. Shes actually quite Flexible and Giving -- to her father. Shes just inflexible with you who happens to be her second choice.
Let me tell you something about her old man. When you met this guy, maybe you were dead in the water before you even started with his daughter, but you should have done everything possible to get him to like you, including sucking up to him its real important to have him in your corner. On the other hand, it might not be your salary, or the way you look, or the car you drive that he objects to. It might just be that he likes his daughter more than he digs his old lady.
In the event of a serious problem, you ask, what if she runs off to papa? As Brother Love would say, Hallelujah, bro, you said a mouthful there! Unfortunately for you, you got it dead on. When the bad stuff comes down and it always does sooner or later Melinda will be out on the golf course with her dad.
Now how long will you put up with this crap? Thats the point here think about having to deal with Melindas daddy lurking in the background day after day, week after week, month after month. Like Sal The Fish Love says, If you decide you want to keep her, move to Australia!
Whats my take on this thing, James? My take is that I think youre going to get burned down the road. And of course, this is not typical female behavior. Not by a long shot.
Remember, guys: until she can make the break from her pops, forget about her.
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