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Would Charlie Sheen Move in on His Ex's Friend? Hey Doc, I was involved in a relationship for four years with my ex, Terri. Things ended on a sour note, but I guess they always do, don’t they? What happened was that Terri cheated on me, so I put an end to it. I later found out that she also cheated on me another time as well. At the end, I was trying so hard to make it work that it was extremely tiring. Who wants to be in a relationship when your partner cheated on you, right? About a month or so after our breakup I started to pick up some heavy vibes coming from one of our mutually close friends, Vanessa. Even when I was with my ex I always felt that Vanessa was interested in me, but I didn’t feel right doing anything about it since she and my ex were tight friends. Well, it’s been about two months now and I’ve been seeing Vanessa occasionally. She’s ready to move into a heavy relationship with me as soon as I say the word. Things couldn’t be better between us, but the problem is that my ex has been calling me, telling me that she is sorry about what happened, that she never meant to hurt me and that she wants to work on being friends again so that we can be back to where we once were. She wants me to end things with Vanessa. To make it even more interesting, Vanessa wants me to stop talking to or seeing my ex. Can it really work with someone who was a mutual friend of a guy and his ex-girlfriend? Or are there too many issues to ever make the transition smoothly? I have a lot of things in common with Vanessa, but my ex was a big part of me. On the other hand, why should I care about someone who nearly destroyed me? If I let Vanessa go now, there might never be a chance of rekindling it with her. At the same time I’m concerned that our connections to my ex might be too much and her memory will be hovering over both of us forever. Doc, what would you do if you were in my position? Pepper - who doesn’t know if he can overcome the past Hi Pepper, It’s interesting that you say things always end on a sour note because the goal of “The System” is to have a woman want to keep you for the rest of her life. And now that people are living into their seventies and eighties and nineties, that’s a very long time not to get bored to death with someone. To you Psych majors, you have to always be on top of your game if you expect to keep her in love with you forever and not end on a sour note at least once in your life. Nevertheless, it was you who ended the relationship with Terri. Great. Perfect. According to my cousin Rabbi Love, “You did the right thing, my son. And I hope you’re dating lots of other women.” So, your ex had more than one fling behind your back? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Is this girl a community project or what?” What were you trying to make work at the end? Your relationship with Terri is busted. There was nothing to make work. The contract between you and her is null and void. It’s finished. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Once the woman cheats, it’s finito, bro.” But most guys are weak and will give her another shot at screwing with his head. For your sake I hope you’re not a Wimpus Americanus, Pepper. Dude, I’m happy you picked up heavy vibes from Vanessa. You deserve something good after being betrayed by someone you trusted for years. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Isn’t revenge sweet?” And she and your ex were as tight as twins? That’s even more reason to go after Vanessa! Pepper, it’s not a problem at all that your ex is calling and begging to talk to you. Actually, it’s predictable. Just don’t pick the phone up and don’t call her back. End of problem. Remember, man, Terri is only telling you about two guys she fooled around with. Like my cousin General Love says, “Hopefully she wasn’t playing with the entire battalion when you weren’t looking.” Vanessa’s right. You shouldn’t be talking to or seeing Terri. She’s ancient history and she’s bad for your head. So make the break, Pepper. Tell your ex that Vanessa and you have something great going, that you don’t want it messed with, and that you and she had a good run but it’s over. Then it’s thank you and goodbye. But you have another problem here, buddy. You have to figure out how you turned your ex off. Because you don’t want it to happen again. You have to figure out why Terri came to hate and resent you so much she couldn’t wait to be with another man. Did you try to turn her into your mommy? How much of a Challenge were you, Pepper? Or were you smothering Terri like a blanket until she ran screaming into another man’s arms? Of course it can work out between you and Vanessa. Terri and she are squabbling over you because, as my book says, “Kitty Kats Kompete.” But there won’t be any problems with Vanessa as long as you keep her Interest Level up in the 90s like it is now. When she stops fawning over you, then you’re in trouble. Your ex might have been a big part of you, but, as you just said, she’s your EX. As in ADIOS. As in OVER. As in DONE. It goes without saying that you don’t want someone destroying you, but the better question is, why should you care about someone you can’t trust? So feel free to make a go of it with Vanessa, Pepper. Don’t worry about whose ghost is hovering over you. You’ve been reading too many psychology books -- that’s your problem. What would I do if I were in your position, pal? I’d fall in love with Vanessa. But make sure you know what you’re doing this time around. Because you only get one shot. Remember, guys: if she strays, don’t give her a second chance to do it again. © 2008, DocLove Dot Com Other Relationship Issues, Books I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi Pirandello
Doc Love is a talk
show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his
seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of
women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is
the author of the Master Series, available at
www.doclove.com
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