Women Don't Lie,
Men Don't Listen

How Does Eddie Murphy Deal with Her Demons?

Hey Doc,

I’ve got a problem. I’ve gone out with Maureen three times now. She is 40, beautiful and intelligent. I have consistently been a Challenge and a gentleman. She touches me 20-plus times every date and I get a very, very long -- and very, very nice -- goodnight kiss from her each time. She grabs my arm when we walk and initiates 80% of the phone calls between us. I call her only to ask her out.

Each time we go out I interview Maureen, and I try and delve deeper and further into her past. Here’s the red flag I see: her father was very controlling and her ex-husband and other previous boyfriends were abusive Macho Boys. She even dropped the comment (regarding her exes) that they were “men just like my father.”

Now this is the complete opposite of how I treat Maureen. She told me that she was planning on getting breast augmentation, and that her last boyfriend didn’t want her to do it because he said enough men look at her as it is and she didn’t need any more gawkers. Her response was that in the past she lived to please others, but that now she is living for herself. But then she added, “Enrique, you’ll have to keep me on track, because I could fall back pretty easily into my old patterns.”

So Doc, here are my concerns:

Being subservient and dominated is Maureen’s comfort zone.

She may not be used to the respect and space I give her.

I am not here to “raise” a woman -- I’m already a father. Maureen will have to straighten her life out on her own.

I’ll continue to go out with her and see what I can learn. But Doc, is Challenge strong enough to defeat the demons in Maureen’s past?

Enrique - who’s already on guard

Hi Enrique,

When you first interviewed Maureen, did you ask her whether any of her exes ever actually raised his hand to her? And when she dropped that curious comment about her father, you should have said, “And did your dad ever hit you?” If you had, you’d know a little more clearly exactly what you’re dealing with here.

When Maureen mentioned that she wanted to go for cosmetic surgery, her ex-boyfriend gave her the wrong reason for staying away from it. Everyone wants to look and feel better about themselves, and he should have been supportive. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That guy’s an idiot.”

I hope that you congratulated Maureen on her decision to make herself look better and finally live for herself, and that you were totally supportive of her. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Then you watch her like a hawk!”

When she told you that you have to keep her from falling back into her old emotional patterns, you should have said, “Honey -- PIECE OF CAKE!” Then you should have given her a kiss – and kept right on watching her like a hawk.

Let’s take a look at your specific concerns about this woman.

It’s a half-truth that Maureen’s comfort zone is doing the perfect imitation of a doormat. To you Psych majors, if this babe was really happy about being trampled on, she wouldn’t be complaining about her exes and she certainly wouldn’t be leaving the bozos. But that’s exactly what she does, isn’t it? So she really doesn’t like them, and she doesn’t like being abused.

Enrique, if Maureen’s not really comfortable with the respect and space you give her, you’re going to have to date her for a long, long time before you talk about stuff like marriage and kids. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “She must be proven clinically sane before you even think of taking her home to meet Mom.”

Of course Maureen is going to have to do things for herself. But here’s the point: if you like this woman – and again, you only have three dates in with her – you’re going to have to watch for whether any of these troublesome symptoms rear their heads when she’s with you.

It’s one thing if a boyfriend and girlfriend scream and yell at each other once in a while. And it’s okay for someone to scream and yell at her dad once in a while. But it’s an entirely different matter if the men in Maureen’s life actually struck her or worse. And if they did, you have to find out whether she hung around for a second beating – assuming she had a choice, that is. If you can coax that information out of her, then you’re going deep, my friend. That’s what you should have added to your interview. Like I always tell you guys, you have to be a love detective to compete in this arena.

Continuing to go out with Maureen and trying to learn everything you can about her is perfect – it’s all you can do with any woman. And in your case, pal, the good thing is that you’ve already gotten a good deal of information out of her. So you’re doing okay so far.

Challenge can work with Maureen, dude. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It depends on how deep and how messy her problems are.”

As you know I’m not a psychiatrist (thank God). So instead of analyzing Maureen, what I want you to do is date her 10 times and get her Interest Level solidly into the 90s. Up until now, with three dates under your belt, things look pretty great. But if you’ve read my book, you know that I don’t count anything until you’ve got 10 dates in.

If you make it that far, you’re going to date her for another 21 months. During that time you’re going to see her probably three times a week, and you’re going to take her into every possible social situation and you’re going to keep an eye on her. You have to be around her when she’s really tired and observe what she does, and how she acts when she runs out of patience. When people run out of patience with life, some of them snap, some swear, some get quiet. So you’re going to see how Maureen reacts to different stimuli in the environment. If she maintains an even keel through the good and the bad, she’s a keeper. Because like my cousin General Love says, “You can’t afford to have any nuts in the foxhole.”

Finally, guy, there is a certain group of women who don’t like Cary Grants. For some perverse reason these chicks like getting pushed around. And you can’t help them no matter what you do, and you certainly can’t force them to love you.

But so far Maureen sounds okay. If I were you, I’d continue to go out with her until she drops the ball. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she won’t.

Remember, guys: there are no clean deals.

© 2008, DocLove Dot Com 

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I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi Pirandello

Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archives for 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, and 2000.

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