Men Don't Listen
Does John Stamos make Them Feel
Safe and Secure?
No offense, but your book does not offer good advice for
In particular, good-looking men who inadvertently
intimidate women with their appearance should not follow
your advice on getting women to chase you. In
your book, you allude to playing games with women to make
them believe that you are not very interested in them. In
turn, they are supposed to chase you to win you over, right?
Wrong! Its common knowledge that women are typically
not as confident as men. So why would they place themselves
in such a vulnerable position? Why would they want to be
hurt or feel even more insecure?
Then you offer more advice that makes women think that
you are a flat-out player, and that every woman in town
wants you! I hate to break it to you, Doc, but this only
creates stress on the females part, and stress does
not lead to more attraction. Stress leads to an increased
desire for stress reduction and removal. In other words,
forget this guy! Im surprised you dont know
this; Doc, but women want control. Women want security and
loyalty from a man, not a man who can have any woman he
wants. That, my friend, is not security!
I used your techniques on a great woman, Rain, and I blew
it because of your advice. She started with very high
Interest Level. I could give you a whole pile of evidence,
but I want to keep this short. The game you had
me playing left her confused and scared. All women have a
history of being hurt. Why would I want them to think they
are bound to get hurt again? It just makes no sense. You
should create another book for men who have no problem
attracting women, but do have a problem with intimidating
and scaring them away.
Ill leave you with this: Everyone would love
to own a Lamborghini, but not if it means driving it on the
edge of a cliff.
Roman - who blew it with your book
I hate to break this to you, but my book is great for ALL
guys. If a guy likes women, then The System is
Now let me tell you something: a good-looking guy might
intimidate a woman going in, but once he starts talking and
comes off like a buffoon, hes nowhere. He thinks the
ladys Interest Level is up in the sky while shes
laughing inside. So good looks will get you going, but they
dont keep you there.
I dont and never did -- advise playing any
games with women, pal. But heres the way the strategy
works. You have no idea what a womans motives are when
you meet and why shes with you. Youre going out
with a complete stranger. So what Im telling guys is
that they have to go in SLOWLY, keep their eyes open, and
look for red flags. If thats playing games, then sign
me up for the Olympics!
You completely missed my point if you think I want women
to know a guys not interested. What turns them on is
when they know you had a good time on the date. The truth is
that the woman knows on a gut level what your Interest Level
is. So what youre doing by hanging back and not
draping yourself all over a girl is being playful instead of
a game-player. Then youve got her thinking to herself,
Look at the Self-Control this guy has! Every other guy
in the world would have phoned me four hours after our first
date, said what a great time we had, and by the way, can we
get together next Saturday night? And you know what
that does, man? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
It absolutely blows up Challenge.
And you missed another important point, pal. Women are
supposed to chase you to win you over. Because when they
have to fight to get you, it lasts longer and they respect
But you think women cant take it because they
arent as confident as men. Hey, Roman, you should be
giving speeches to womens groups in colleges
theyd just love that statement! When it comes to men
and women, ALL WOMEN ARE CONFIDENT. They may not be so sure
of themselves flying an airplane or un-corking a champagne
bottle, but when it comes to men, they have us down cold.
Like my cousin General Love says, You guys have no
idea what youre going up against! And
whats worse, men talk down to women when theyre
clueless about what women want or need.
A clinically sane woman will look at a mans
teasing, flirtatious behavior as playfulness. If you have an
insecure woman -- who I dont want you with in the
first place that kind of confident behavior is going
to make her feel more insecure. To you Psych majors,
insecure women hate Challenge. But a self-reliant woman with
a good attitude loves Challenge. So The System
protects guys by weeding out the women who arent good
enough, the numbers with too many scars and baggage. Sorry
Buddy, if you use Challenge on a woman who has all her
marbles, she isnt worried that youre a player.
She wonders if youre a player. Theres a big
difference. And shes also wondering if she can catch
you and she can get you to want to give up all the other
girls, and that notion is attractive. So thats one
thing you hit right on the head, Roman you want her
to think that every other girl in town wants you. Because
when her Interest Level is way up in the 90s, she thinks
youre the best-looking guy out of 3 billion men. Ask
any woman if you dont believe me.
Your theories about stress are really amusing, guy.
Youre piling one lie on top of another. When you
shower a babe with attention and concern, all its
going to do is lower her Interest Level. Its got
nothing to do with stress. When you use Challenge, the girl
with low Self-Esteem, the girl whos been hurt a lot,
is going to react by bitching and moaning and her Interest
Level is going to waver. Then youre going to blame my
techniques for screwing you up. But as I tell you in my
book, you have to give me something to work with. Like the
great Doctor Freud once said, Dont bring me
Your theory on what stress breeds makes for a great
sentence, but it has nothing to do with this article. Sure,
I want her to forget this guy! I hope she gets rid of you!
Thats how my principles protect you. If a woman
cant take a little teasing and have patience with my
playful game plan in the beginning, then I dont want
to keep her anyway. I want someone whos got a sense of
humor and whos playful.
So, women want control? Youre kidding! You got me
on that one, Roman! Gee, I never would have known!
The point is not that a guy can have any woman he wants,
but that he picked her and now theyre happily married.
And she knows he would never mess around because the guy is
loyal. And hes secure in himself, and hes also a
Rain started with very high Interest Level because of
your looks. (And then you started talking!) But let me get
this straight. You met this girl, you waited seven days to
call her and that just really messed with her head, right?
Then you spent four and a half hours with her and because
you didnt call her right afterwards, she was confused
and scared, right? Then youre going to tell me that
you went out with her again, had a great time, waited
another seven days to call her and this created even more
confusion and shes practically out of her mind? Then I
say good riddance! Thats the whole point. I want it
that way. Because Challenge cleans the place up.
Next, you want me to believe that all women have a
history of being hurt. Then how is it that women do 90% of
the dumping? Its the guys who are getting beat up, my
friend. Roman, do you happen to belong to the National
Liberation of Women movement?
Dude, good for you that you look like George Clooney or
Pierce Brosnan or Brad Pitt. With your looks you should be
choosing from tons of women, especially if you understood my
philosophy. But youre missing it completely. Its
astonishing, because I can tell by your letter that
youre a very intelligent man. But when it comes to
women, you get a D.
This is the truth of the matter: The System
protects you. It doesnt hang you over a cliff. It
keeps you in the center of the road.
Remember, guys: some guys just dont get it.
Does Denzel ever Fall for Another
I need your advice on a problem.
Shannon has been my girlfriend now for almost a year and
a half and I never cheated on her. Well, about two months
ago I started going regularly to a bar in my neighborhood.
The bartender, Gina, was very attractive and I couldnt
help but look at her. One of my friends (a woman) knows her
and introduced us. One night we all went out after she got
through bartending and Gina and I got close. At the end of
the night I went for a kiss goodnight. For the next few
weeks Gina and I went out once or twice a week. I let her
know I had a girlfriend, and she said it didnt matter.
I asked if she had a boyfriend, and she said they just broke
Well, during the second week, Gina and I got very
romantic. That night she must have given me a hundred
compliments. She kept saying that I was the perfect man. One
of my friends from work told me that he thought Gina was
still seeing her boyfriend, and I confronted her. I let her
know that I didnt care if she was seeing someone, but
that I wanted her to be honest with me. She stuck with her
story that it was over between her and her ex. We then made
plans to get together again.
The night of our date I called her to confirm. Hours went
by and she didnt call back. I called again and told
her that I didnt want to play games, and she finally
sent me a text message that said Im at the
hospital with my dad. I wrote back and said And
you couldnt have called to let me know that? And
she responded Not to be mean, but that was the last
thing on my mind. She let me know she was angry with
me. I told her I wasnt trying to be ignorant, but when
I make plans with someone and she cant even let me
know about an emergency, then its disrespectful, and I
wont take disrespect from anyone.
Doc, I know that Im cheating, but Gina is a 9.5.
She gets hit on constantly. Shes used to getting what
she wants, and I didnt want to play that game. Do you
think shes lying about seeing her ex?
Finally, do you think I did the right thing with Gina or
did I make too many mistakes? Is there anything I can do
from this point on or should I just let her go?
North - who doesnt know what hes doing
Its amazing how guys will contact me when they have
a problem with a babe, but they wont contact me when
everything is going well. Very few guys that I sell
probably only about 5% -- say that they want to make sure
theyre doing all the right stuff, and thats why
they got the Dating Dictionary. Theyre not out to snag
the girl because they already have a great one, and
shes all over him but just to make sure they
keep her happy, just to have that slight edge going forward,
they buy my book. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
Which side of the fence are you on, boy?
As far as hanging around your neighborhood gin mill goes,
pal, youre allowed to do something like that once.
Just once. You spot a girl like Gina, she happens to look
like Angelina Jolies younger sister, and all of a
sudden youre in trouble. All youre going to do
is go back there and look at her some more when you already
have a great girlfriend. That was your first mistake. Let me
tell you something: if you go back to that joint a second
time when youre so physically attracted to the
bartender, youre cheating on Shannon. (See, girls?
Im not so bad after all!)
Mistake number two was actually going out with Gina.
First youre ogling her, next youre dating her.
Didnt it matter that you already had a girlfriend?
Apparently not. And apparently it didnt bother Gina at
all. Hey, I have to hand it to you, North -- shes a
classy broad. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, I see shes got high standards straight out
of the chute! And by the way, you should have found
out why she got rid of her boyfriend.
This red-hot bartender may have given you thousands of
compliments, but your girlfriends got 18 months in
with you. Gina doesnt even have 18 hours in with
Now why the heck are you talking to a friend at your job
about this total knockout? Dont you know what a
BLOCKER is, dude? You better go back to my book and look
under B. Know what? Your friend was just trying
to make a fool out of you. He was pushing you to go and get
into an argument with Gina over nothing. Which is exactly
what he succeeded in doing.
Of course you care if Ginas seeing someone else
you brought it up, didnt you? If you
didnt care, you wouldnt have made an issue of it
in the first place, so who the heck are you kidding?
Its like when a woman says I dont care if
a guy has money or not. Then whyd she mention
You want Gina to be honest with you? She
doesnt care if she steals a guy with a long-term
steady girlfriend and youre worried about honesty?
Thats like trying to turn a tiger into a housecat or
asking Hugh Hefner to stay away from 19-year-olds.
Youre a funny guy, North.
Now, when this hospital situation came up, you had to
take it for what it was. Gina wasnt exactly at the
post office trying to buy stamps to make sure her business
correspondence got out and she got held up because there
were 30 people in line that day. The point is this: she told
you that her dear old dad was in the hospital. Her story is
either true or its false, but were going to give
her the benefit of the doubt. So lets say its
true. If her father was in the hospital having an emergency
appendectomy, she didnt have to call you. So
youre completely off base on this. Gina should be
angry with you for being an insensitive boor.
Ah, but you wont take disrespect. Does there have
to be a riot in the city before youll let someone off
the hook? What does it take to convince you theres a
genuine problem? A tornado? An earthquake? Get real here,
North. And dude, LOVE IS A GAME. Get that straight right
I dont think Ginas lying about not seeing her
ex. Ill bet shes already got at least two new
ducks lined up for when she gets tired of you (which
shouldnt be long now). This girl doesnt fool
around. Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Hey, man -- you forget where this girl
But we should be crying in our beer over poor Shannon
not you and Gina. Because the poor girls
Interest Level is high, and youre going to dump her.
Or youre going to get caught fooling around.
You better tell your girlfriend Shannon to move on, guy.
Do her a favor. To you Psych majors, unless youre
going to be loyal to a girl, dont go steady with
Youre going to let Gina go? North, its not
your dear old daddy whos in the hospital! You got no
say in the matter. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
When she looks like Scarlett Johansson, you dont
stand a chance!
So heres what youre going to do. Youre
going to buy a card and write; I hope your dad feels
better on the right-hand side. And on the left-hand
side youre going to add, I was completely out of
line when I got on your case for not calling me. And I hope
your dad feels better. When you feel up to it, give me a
call and well get together. And youre
going to send it to Gina.
But youve got to get rid of Shannon before you
escalate this thing with your 10 bartender. And
you have to do a little studying. Lets face it, buddy,
youre making blunders all over the place. Youre
calling to verify dates. Youre blabbing to blockers. I
dont think so, guy. Youve got a long way to go
to hold onto either of these women.
Remember, guys: when you have a good one, dont mess
How does Hugh Hefner Handle All
Those Young Babes?
Im in my mid-thirties, newly divorced, and have my
own business. I recently purchased The System in
an attempt to understand what went wrong with my marriage
and not repeat the mistakes of the past.
After my divorce, but before I bought your book, I met an
18-year-old girl, Jami, through my business. She was and
still is a regular customer. Our first date was to a
concert. She invited me at the last minute and I foolishly
accepted. The second time was to see a movie, also a
last-minute invite. The third time was another concert,
planned in advance. All three times one or more of her
girlfriends came along. The fourth time was dinner with her
parents, and I insisted on treating.
From your book it seems I did everything wrong. I bought
Jami expensive presents. I complimented her too much. We
also e-mailed and text-messaged every day.
Then she asked me for a job at my company. I told her I
had concerns about that because I had feelings for her. She
responded that she didnt have feelings for me, but
wanted to be friends. I told her it would be too painful.
This was all via e-mail and instant message.
After this, we stopped communicating for the most part.
Occasionally she e-mails asking what Im up to, and
Ive always responded. In her most recent message she
asked for assistance with one of her college projects. (She
wants to be an actress, by the way.)
My gut tells me that Jami is an immature, inflexible
taker, and that shes not the one for me, but I find
her very attractive. Doc, what should I do? Should I respond
to her need for assistance? What do you think Cary Grant
would do in this situation?
I would appreciate it if you could give me some guidance
on this matter.
Frederic - who got your book a little too late
You didnt just purchase The System. You
invested in your life. You decided to protect your sanity.
You gave yourself a guarantee that youll never have to
lie on a shrinks couch bawling over some ditzy
Pal, the vast majority of guys repeat the mistakes of the
past. Know what Judy, Caprice, Lynn, and Amber all say?
This guys needy. But lets get on to
So, Jamis all of 18 years old? Come on, Frederic --
what are you going to do, adopt this girl? But you did the
right thing by going along when she asked you out. Take
note, because this is what I call an advanced
class. When a girl comes at you, when she invites you
out, you have to GO. I dont care if youre the
third or fourth dude on her list; if you go along for the
ride, you might end up number one or two. And thats
why you go for it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
When she tells you to start the dance, you say
Baby, turn up the music!
When Jami invited you to the movies that was the second
time she asked you out. Freddie, youre moving up! Like
my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Youre really swattin flies now,
baby! Then a concert planned in advance? Wow. You
started out as hamburger, next thing you know youre
Now, guy, you know Im against group dates, but you
had to go along with Jami when she asked you out with her
friends because shes just out of diapers and needs
chaperones. I know this sounds silly, but these 18- to
22-year-olds have to run you past their girlfriends for
approval first. Like the old Chinese proverb goes,
Thats ding-dong rule number one!
Youre a nice guy and she was bragging about you. You
worked this girl nicely, man.
And by the way, you better only get together with this
girl at night because I dont want her seeing your
sagging jowls and all those deep lines and saddlebags under
Its perfect that you insisted on treating for
dinner when you stepped out with Jamis parents.
Thats exactly what Cary Grant would have done, too.
And, hey -- youre meeting the folks!
So youre being too hard on yourself, Frederic. You
did lots of things right up to this point. But now
heres the downside.
You only buy expensive presents for your fiancé or
your wife. Big mistake, Frederic. You dont stick 10 or
15 grand on the credit card for this little girl. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Before you open up your
wallet, you gotta swing an alone date with her,
My book tells you to limit your compliments. You had the
book, but you didnt MEMORIZE it, and when you were
confronted with this stunning 18-year-old nymph (who belongs
on the cover of Elle magazine), its understandable
that you weakened. But you pulled another boner,
E-mailing and text-messaging this honey every single day
was a huge blunder. To you Psych majors, Challenge means
youre out in North Dakota because the United States
Federal Witness Protection Program put you there -- you
cant be found until your next date!
And to ice the cake, you just couldnt hold yourself
back and had to blabber about all the feelings you have for
.Frederic, what in the world are you doing baring
your soul to this child? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
You got kids older than this girl! Talk about
begging! Talk about weak!
Of course Jami doesnt have feelings for you -- but
she loved your Visa card. Thats one out of two. But if
I were you Id be friends with Jami but
youre going to be kissing her on her doorstep. You
told her it was too painful to be friends via e-mail?
Ill bet that raised Interest Level at least 10
You and Jami didnt stop communicating, buddy
she dropped you like a bad habit. When she contacts you from
now on, tell her youve got a heavy love problem.
Youre dating twin Playmates -- Miss January and Miss
July of 2007 -- and theyre fighting like cats over
you. And you really like Miss January because she has a
great sense of humor, but theres something about Miss
July you love too. The problem is that her legs are too
long. Whats a poor guy to do? Ask her for a
Wanting help with her college course and dreaming about
becoming an actress is a double whammy. Tell Jami that
youll help her with her project but first she has to
come over to your house and cook dinner.
I have no doubt whatsoever that you find Jami very
attractive, my friend. And that makes two of you you
and the U.S. Army. How should you handle it now? Disappear.
Its your only hope. What would Cary Grant do in your
position? Mostly the opposite of what youve been
Remember, guys: if shes beautiful and between 18
and 22, dont try to buy her.
Does Julia Roberts use "The
Im writing you from Scandinavia. Ive studied
your book and listened to your radio show, and I have to
tell you that in the beginning I was skeptical. But I have
to admit that more and more it makes sense. But how do you
manage a woman whos using The System on
Im 51 and have been seeing Lisa for more than two
months. We just had our eleventh date. She calls me often,
but she does all the things Im supposed to do. For
instance, she waits for me to touch her. She always guides
the conversation to topics she wants to discuss. She
spoon-feeds me the dates she wants us to have. In short, she
keeps me guessing and on my toes.
Lisa has three jobs and three kids and her sports hobbies
take up the rest of her time. If it werent for her
inviting me out, I would assume that shes lost
interest. Jokingly I asked her what she expected of me at
the party she recently invited me to, and she said without
hesitation, Just dont flirt with my
So its a bit of a cold war, Doc. I try to play it
cool, too, by not talking about the future or my feelings. I
try to keep the conversation light and tease her often. But
she is a very attractive woman and I feel that her Interest
Level is lower than mine, and I think I should do something
radical or quit. Maybe Lisa is just a user -- but then
shes very sweet and Giving when we meet, shes
always on time and never plays games.
It is difficult to find times to meet since I have two
kids from my previous marriage as well. Maybe five kids
between us is the problem. What Im most worried about
with Lisa is too little touching and that she never speaks
about the future. But she always kisses me on the mouth when
we meet and she sometimes takes my hand to caress it.
What do you think, Doc? Should I try another tactic?
Ellis - who cant get out from under her thumb
You should be skeptical about what you hear and read.
Because there are 10,000 love doctors running around out
there giving advice and guys, you have to be discriminating.
But guess what? None of the others talk about CHALLENGE. Why
is it more of these so-called geniuses dont talk about
Challenge? Have the Feministas brainwashed us to the point
where its not even on the radar screen?
But lets get on to your problem. If Lisa waits for
you to touch her and youre bent out of shape about it,
the solution is simple: just dont touch her.
Youre the one who caves in first, Ellis. If
theres no physical contact between you and Lisa, fine
theres no contact. Live with it. But
youre not going to touch her. Let her give in first.
The reality is that youre not both using The
System. She is, but you arent!
Whats the problem with letting Lisa choose whatever
she wants to gab about? Let her go where she wants with the
conversation. And let her talk until the cows come home. As
Doctor Freud once said, Women reach a state of
euphoria when theyre blabbing about nothing.
But lets look at this thing more closely, pal. Lisa
keeps you on a long leash, but when she shows up for a date,
shes the best thing since cheap gasoline prices.
Theres nothing wrong with this girl. So I dont
know what youre moaning about.
You should be kept guessing and on your toes, Ellis
its part of the dating dance. And youll
dish out the same treatment to Lisa by not touching her
anymore. If her plate is filled with all kinds of duties and
activities, let her call you when shes ready.
Its that simple. Dont ask her out. And
dont worry -- shell ask you out.
Dont fret about her Interest Level, either.
Shes the one asking you out despite her overloaded
schedule, right? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
Shes helping you out, dodo!
But apparently thats not good enough for you. You
had to go and ask Lisa what she expected of you. In other
words, you were begging -- begging to know where you stand
in the relationship. Theres a chapter called
Begging in the Dating Dictionary. You should go
back over that one, dude, and stop yourself from wrecking it
with Lisa before it even gets off the ground.
When she ordered you not to flirt with her friends she
came off sounding like a very classy lady. I dont see
where the cold war is here, Ellis. You go out, you have a
great time, and Lisa kisses you good night. What else do you
want from this girl? You act like shes a 17-year-old
high school kid who has just a few classes and Phys Ed to
worry about. This ladys got three jobs, three kids,
and shes in training for the 2008 Olympics on top of
it all. Come on, man shes busy!
And you know what? Three jobs proves shes a good
catch. Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Shes not going to sit on her fat butt and wait
for you to hand her your money!
Forget the urge to talk about the future or your precious
feelings, Ellis. Just sit back and enjoy the trip. This
babes about as perfect as they come. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, You got any idea how many guys
in America would like to date this girl?
I dont think Lisas Interest Level is any
lower than yours. But itll make Dubyas approval
ratings look high if she senses your insecurity and you keep
shooting your mouth off about what she expects of you. You
want a radical tactic? Keep your trap shut. Thats the
way youll keep her.
Where are you getting the notion that Lisas a user?
Ellis, youre in la-la land. Try laying off the Jack
Daniels, my friend. Youre telling me shes sweet
and Giving, always on time and never plays games. Like I
said before, what else do you want from her? Remember, three
kids and three jobs? Hello? To you Psych majors,
theres only 24 hours in a day!
But if you cant come to grips with common sense and
logic, look at it this way. If Lisas so tied up with
her life, it means she cant be cheating on you with
somebody else. Shes got three kids, three jobs,
athletic training and a boyfriend! Wheres she going to
find time to squeeze another guy in on the side?
Dont worry about how you two are going to get
together. Youll work it out. Get yourself a babysitter
and a backup babysitter. Overpay them and theyll jump
whenever you call.
The problem isnt five kids between you and Lisa.
The problem is that you have my book and youre not
So relax about the future and the touching. You two have
only been on 11 dates. What do you want her to do, slobber
all over you? Shes a class act, not a desperado. And
wait a minute here. All of a sudden shes caressing
your hand? I thought you said she didnt touch you?
You have to memorize my book, Ellis. And P.S., try to
interpret it properly. Youve got a good woman here.
Relax and enjoy the ride. Lisas not a high school
cheerleader and youre not the star quarterback of the
football team. Those days are gone.
Remember, guys: when they have three kids and three jobs,
its okay for them to make the dates.
Are Charlie Sheen and Denise
Richards On or Off?
I used to go out with this girl, Megan. We spent three
and a half months together, and during those three and a
half months I broke up with her once due to her bitchiness,
difficult attitude and also because she used to meet her
ex-boyfriend and I couldnt take it. She cheated on her
boyfriend with me before we hooked up together, and then she
finally left him for me.
I left her for the second time just recently. I know that
shes met up with her ex many times (he asked her) and
that hes kissed her. She said she didnt want him
to, and then turned around and said its her fault and
that shes sorry she let him. However, we are still
very close, we love each other, and we also date on a
regular basis. She says that whenever I kiss her it feels
I see Megan often since we go to the same school. We both
talk to our friends about our relationship, and shes
told my best friend she doesnt want a commitment and
wishes to start fresh with someone else in the future.
Shes told me this too, then turns around and tells me
she doesnt know what she really wants. She says she
wants to be free but that shes certain about one thing
-- she never wants to lose me and she needs my hugs and
kisses, and she has to see me and talk to me. She says she
adores me and that Im a treasure. She swears
shell always be there for me.
Doc, Im so confused. I didnt leave Meg for no
reason. Her bitchiness and flirting got to me. But when I
see her act all sweet and loving, I start wondering whether
I made the right decision. I dont know if I want Megan
back, but I cant stand even thinking about her with
someone else. If she wants freedom, why does she NEED things
Please help me.
Andy - whos never been so confused in his life
So, you couldnt take the fact that your girl was
getting together with her ex? Then why did you go back for
more? As my cousin Doctor Freud once wrote, The boy
must be a glutton for punishment. She left her ex for
you? Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Hey, this girl sounds like the loyal type!
Lets face it, Andy, when Megan met up with her ex,
the guy didnt exactly have to put a bow and arrow to
her head, did he? He gets to kiss her, doesnt he? You
mean she didnt turn her head when he went for her
lips? She didnt push him away? She didnt take at
least one step backwards? Well, now it makes sense! Now I
see how the guy got away with it!
What you should be asking yourself, Andy, is how much of
the whole story of her extracurricular activities Megan is
really giving you. If shes telling you to your face
that her ex is smooching her and that its her fault,
can you imagine whats really going on? Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, If shes willing to cough
up this much, you sure shes not working you?
When she kisses you and says that it feels so right, you
should ask her like one former President of the U.S.
would to define right. Is it
right enough that shell stop seeing her
ex? Apparently not.
On my gosh, Andy -- you talk to WHO about Megan? What
have I told you guys again and again? Never talk to anybody
except for me -- about your relationship. Why
dont you just have I LOVE YOU, MEGAN!
printed on 10,000 fliers, rent a helicopter, then fly over
the college and throw them out the window?
You can believe or disbelieve what your best friend is
telling you about your girlfriend, pal, but with the way
things are going with her, Id have to say,
Its a lock youre going down!
But what the heck, Megan tells you the very same thing,
right? She practically broadcasts her desire for other men
to the world. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, And you
keep chasing this girl? Whatsa matter wif you,
I dont know why man was given an EGO. Its the
most dangerous thing in the world. The EGO clouds vision. It
puts blinders on you, until all you can see is your own
desire. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, When it
comes to women, men are STUPID enough to begin
So dont snow yourself, buddy. Megan knows what she
really wants. She wants to get rid of you and find a new
But you insist on believing that she adores you and
thinks youre a treasure. Those are two
really extreme words -- and shes confused about her
feelings towards you? Hel-lo! Welcome to the Wonderful World
But not to worry, Andy. Just like she promised, Megan
will always be there for you. Heck, shell even let you
be best man at her wedding!
Sure, Megans bitchiness and flirting got to you,
and thats understandable. But what about all the
mistakes you made, guy? What about all the things you did
wrong? Maybe thats what sank her Interest Level; did
you ever think of that? (This of course is in addition to
the fact that she has a bad attitude!)
But lets be real here, Andy. Megan could tell you
to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge and youd do it.
Shes got you right where she wants you. To you Psych
majors, She works the mans ego with the skill of
an acclaimed artist!
You might not want to think about your squeeze with
someone else, man, but thats not the important thing
here. The only thing thats relevant is how Megan feels
about you. Remember, HER Interest Level is the only thing
that matters -- after her attitude. All the other stuff
Want to know why Megan needs things from you? Because she
wants a pet dog.
Remember, guys: women who love you are consistent.
Do Women Always Call Colin Farrell
Thanks for all of your books. Ive read and re-read
them over and over. Ive tried The System
off and on for over a year -- and invariably Im happy
when I use it, and unhappy when I dont!
The main difficulty I have is with phone calls,
specifically, trying to catch the women at home. Ive
avoided calling their cell phones, but it does seem weird to
have their number and not use it.
The second problem I have is that I get most of my
numbers on Fridays. Waiting until the following week seems
too long (10 days if I call on Monday), and calling on
Sunday night seems awkward.
Heres my current dilemma. I met Heather recently
and on our first date she showed high Interest Level. She
laughed at my jokes, hugged me once, said she had a good
time, and twice told me she was glad I asked for her number.
I feel this woman has real potential. She is Flexible and
I called her twice several days later (a Monday) at 7
p.m. and 8 p.m. -- no answer. I tried twice Tuesday, also no
answer, and I left a short message saying that I called, but
did not leave a call-back number nor did I ask her out. I
know leaving any message is against your principles.
Doc, how do I proceed now? Have I blown it already? If I
cant catch them at home, do I just wait another week?
Heathers already asked about my marital status,
whether I have kids, etc. Even though I played it cool but
friendly on the date, she knows I am interested.
I have continued to try and use your techniques by asking
another girl out and have another number to call next week,
though its Heather I really like. Yet I do see the
value in having more than one number! Its really
killing me to apply The System to this Beautiful
Woman, though I have seen it work on women that I have ended
up not pursuing further.
Thanks for any insight.
Marat - who cant figure out how to take it from
If you know that The System works, why in the
world are you fighting it? If you go six months following my
rules and everything is right, why would you change the
order of things? What is it you dont trust about my
principles? Do you have to go out and test them, is that
your problem? Are you out to find your own way of doing
things? Do you want to prove me wrong? I may not be 100%
right, but NO ONE COMES CLOSER THAN I DO. I bat 98.7%.
Guy, one question you should be asking yourself is
exactly where Heather is when you call her at all different
times of night and day and she doesnt pick up. Now
think about this. You got Heathers home phone number
and every time you call her shes not there. Yet
shes carrying a phone around with her and you have
that number. Why arent you calling her cell phone? You
already played the other hand and it hasnt worked.
Youre lucky enough to have a cell phone as backup, so
what are you waiting for?
Marat, all you have to do is phone a girl on Wednesday or
Thursday, and set up a date for Monday or Tuesday night.
Thats all there is to it -- simple.
So, Heather gave you a squeeze. Wow. Im knocked
out. Seriously, I dont know why you guys get off on
hugging. Ive got an aunt whos 93. Shes a
great lady. When we get together we hug. Dig? So I
wouldnt place too much stock in it. But if a girl
pulls you in like that on a date, go for a kiss on the lips.
If you cant pull that off, go for a kiss on the cheek.
Lets press the issue here. (Unless of course the woman
owns the company you work for, then you dont try to
kiss her -- obviously.)
So, you feel Heather has real potential. Why? You know
nothing about this woman, dude. Youre going out with a
complete stranger. Youre dishing out all this praise
just because she did a couple of right things? Boy, Id
love to be student in your class! To you Psych majors;
shes got no time in. Tell me in six months that you
trust her then were talking about
And shes Flexible and Giving to boot. How do you
know that, Marat? Youre just dying to give this woman
accolades, arent you? Which means your Interest Level
is way up in the nineties. Unfortunately, thats not
what counts. As my cousin Sal The Fish Love
says, Its better not to adore them.
Why didnt you call Heather at 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.
and 9 p.m. instead of banging on your redial button right
after you called her the first time? The times you phoned
were way too close together. If she sees your number come up
on her caller ID shes going to think to herself,
Look at this guy he went berserk! What did he
do have 16 cups of espresso and hit the phone lines?
Or is he that desperate?
Then you go and break a cardinal rule by leaving a
message, but you dont leave a number to help Heather
to call you back. Really slick, man. Like my Uncle Jethro
Love would say, Id never want to go hunting with
you or Mister Cheney!
If you know that leaving a message is against my
principles, why on earth did you do it? In other words, pal,
you can teach my techniques, but you cant implement
them. Does that make any sense? You can get up on a podium
and teach telephone blunders to 200 guys in a
seminar, but you cant avoid making them yourself.
Intellectually, you know what to do, but you cant pull
if off yourself. Know why? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, Because youre whipped!
Have you already blown it with Heather? Well, as they say
at the racetrack, Its a lock!
Marat, Im curious to hear your answers to
Heathers questions. Did you get a big laugh out of her
like youre supposed to? When she asked, Have you
been married, you should have said, Im
married right now, and watched her jump out of her
seat. And then I hope you said, Tell you what,
were going to be one big happy family you, me
and my three wives up in Idaho!
If Heather could tell you were interested in her on your
date, then you werent cool at all. Go and watch Steve
McQueen in The Getaway and Bullitt. Thats what cool
really is. Its not who you like, man its
who the woman wants. So you got it all backwards. Are you
sure you got the right book?
The value of having lots of girls phone numbers is
explained in the Dating Dictionary. Its like playing
poker with a strong hand. You have to study my book and get
your act together. Then you have to be going through girls
like water through a rainspout. You want to be shuffling
three to five girls at any one time. As Doctor Freud once
said, The biology lab first, then field work.
You have to go back and forth from book to practice until
you get smarter and more aware.
Marat, Marat, Marat the whole idea is to apply
The System to this Beautiful Woman! This is
where DISCIPLINE comes in. Like my cousin General Love says,
You want to be a Marine on the dating battlefield? You
gotta toughen up, son!
What does seeing my techniques work on women you
havent pursued have to do with anything? Of course
they work! Why dont we talk about the color of your
grass? Is it green or gray?
You have to go to the library on Sundays, get jacked on
coffee, turn off the cell phone, and pull out your magic
marker and STUDY. Pretend youre taking the state bar
exam next week. You have to have my material MEMORIZED. Do
it for four straight Sundays. You have a long way to go, my
friend. Youre doing some things right, but youre
giving this girl way too much credit and she worked you.
Dont be so quick to give away the store.
Remember, guys: fools rush in where angels fear to
Would George Clooney ever Give
away His Love Strategies?
Hope all is well with you. Doc, I slipped up last
First, let me give you a little background. Yancy
approached me on the street and asked me for my home phone
number. I got hers as well. I was completely prepared to
wait a week to call her, but after just four days she called
and asked me out. It was an incoming offer, so I went.
When we went out, I kept everything light and funny, no
heavy subjects, no putdowns, no compliments, and no
touching. Yancy was doing all the touching and talking. I
didnt kiss her. The next day she left a text message
saying Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I had a
lot of fun last night and I really enjoyed your
Well, Yancy and I were out on our second date last night
when she found the Dating Dictionary under the seat of my
truck. (I forgot to take it out before I picked her up.) She
flipped through it, then asked me to explain Interest Level
and Womanese, which of course I did. She seemed to respond
positively to the explanation. Then she asked me what I
thought her Interest Level in me was, and I lied and told
her 60% to 70%.
I know that its actually higher. Did I hurt my
cause by breaking down Interest Level and Womanese to Yancy?
Afterwards she asked me to go to dinner and dancing with her
the next night. It was back-to-back dates (which I know from
your book are no-nos), but since it was an incoming
offer I said yes.
Doc, do you think I should disappear now to build up more
Challenge? What do you think about all this? Am I doing the
Thanks for your time. I love you, man. Youre the
Sonny - who doesnt want to give his plan away
First of all, I want to make sure I got this straight.
Youre telling me you were walking along a public
thoroughfare, Yancy saw you and said to herself, Know
what -- Im going to walk up to this dude and take him
out? For a guy like me who faithfully watches Forensic
Files and American Justice, its pretty darned scary.
Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
There are lots of loons lurking around out
there! If Yancy were my little sister, Id give
her a spanking for accosting a strange man.
But you two made a connection. Now think about this.
Ninety percent of the guys in America would have called
Yancy within the first two days of swapping numbers. The
other 10% are pretty sharp with the girls. And Im
talking here about guys who havent been schooled on my
techniques. I know you guys think Im beating up on you
all the time, but Im really only beating up the dumb
90%, not the slick 10%. But by utilizing The
System and a waiting period, you got this girl to
crack up. Another guy would have been on the horn to Yancy
within 48 hours of meeting her, and never allowed her the
possibility of calling him. To you Psych majors, you scored
an A in PATIENCE.
Your behavior on the first date was classy. I just hope
you made Yancy laugh. And its good you didnt
touch her. Remember, you picked this girl up on the street,
okay? Remember too that you can always kiss later. But in
this circumstance, which I call an Advanced Class, because
you just met this girl, and because of where you met her,
you didnt have to employ the usual Kiss
Test. To you Psych majors, were slowing things
down. And again, this is because you were complete strangers
on a street when you met which still bugs me.
But you flubbed it when Yancy text-messaged you with what
a great time she had and how much she enjoyed being with
you. You should have responded to this like Bobby De Niro
would: Tell me some more. Im very
intrigued. In other words, you should have played with
it. You could have gotten some humor out of that incoming
missive, but you didnt.
Know what you should have said to this babe when she
found my book under your seat? I trained that guy. I
taught Doc Love everything he knows about women. Then he
went and wrote that book. It should have been me. And
said it with a straight face. She would have been totally
impressed, and you would have been in the drivers
But you never should have had the book in your truck in
the first place. What is your cherished Dating Dictionary --
an almost sacred tome that is loaded with TRUTH -- doing
underneath a seat in a truck with the cobwebs and fast-food
wrappers? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, You got some
dried squirrel skins under there too?
Instead, for that second date you should have vacuumed
and washed your car and blackened your black walls. Your
vehicle would have been in perfect shape then, in case
Yancys a cootie freak. And that way you would have
noticed my book and taken it out of there and you would
never have gotten into the situation and had to answer
questions. But we can still clean this up.
Viewed from another angle, its good that Yancy
discovered it because it allows you to test her attitude. If
she concludes, I hate to admit it, but this Doc Love
is right on as far as dating goes, then you got
yourself a potential keeper. But if she doesnt get it,
shes going to be brutal to deal with.
Your answer to her question about her Interest Level
wasnt humorous. To boot, you didnt shoot a
question right back at her. Like my cousin General Love
says, Soldier, youre on the front line, and you
have to move forward!
Heres the rule when a woman hits you with a
tricky question, youre supposed to come right back and
be a clown. As the Chinese proverb goes, If
youre not a clown, Grasshopper, youre gonna be
the fool! When Yancy tried to pin you down on her
Interest Level, your snappy comeback should have been
I dont what it is now, but Ill tell you
this: at the end of three months -- if you make it that far
-- its going to be in the nineties!
But you didnt significantly hurt your cause.
Because women know that men hate any type of self-help when
it comes to relationships, and Sonny, you stepped out of
that box. So she has to be thinking: Look at this guy
hes got the guts to buy a self-improvement love
book. Hes not only got courage, hes got
Where you did screw up was when she asked you out for the
very next night. Its true that I tell you to accept
the date if its incoming, but you should never accept
a date when youre on a date. Lets say she asks
you to a wedding in two weeks. You answer, Can we talk
Wednesday? We want this girl coming at you
calling you in the early stages because it demonstrates high
Interest Level. And thats our main goal here --
gauging her Interest Level.
I know I tell you not to talk about the future, but in
this case we want the girl to call you. If she says, on the
spot, Lets set the date now, then
shes closing you, which indicates high Interest Level.
But what youre doing is testing her, studying her,
youre finding out exactly where shes coming from
in terms of her Interest Level.
So again, even though it was incoming, never take a date
on a date. Tell her youll talk later. Or even better,
hand her their favorite line out of the Encyclopedia of
Womanese: Let me check my schedule first. Its at
Heres the good part. Youve only been in this
girls presence twice. Everything looks great, and by
the third date she knows whether youre going to be
around for a while. And so far this girls doing
everything right. The only red flag is that there are so
many nuts walking the streets. I just hope you two
didnt hook up at four in the morning in Compton!
Sonny, youre lucky Yancys Interest Level was
in the nineties when she spotted you loitering on the
pavement. But you have to go six more dates. You have to
make it to nine or 10 dates. So let her contact you by text
message. If she doesnt, you know what to do. Give it
some time, then call her and ask her out for date number
The only thing you shouldnt have done was accepted
the third date.
Youve got to learn to pace yourself. The biggest
problem men have in relationships is RUSHING IN.
Remember, guys: you have to spoon-feed yourself;
otherwise, shell get bored.
Did Nick Notice Changes in Jessica
before She Dumped Him?
My wife of five years, Cassia, and I recently separated,
with plans for a divorce. We have had our ups and downs,
mainly due to financial problems with neither of us
budgeting well. We also have a two-year-old daughter.
About six months ago, I noticed something different about
Cassia. She changed her clothing (more sexy), eye color
(contacts), and hairstyle (again, more sexy). I thought
nothing of it at first, but there was more distance between
us. She wanted to go clubbing with her new female friend
from work every weekend instead of being at home. Then I
discovered text messages that I found out later were between
her and an ex-boyfriend. She said they were just friends,
but when I mentioned the messages she reacted very angrily.
She lied three different times about who this other
man was, and now says she made it all up to make me
Now she says that when we met she thought she was
marriage material, but she wasnt in reality. She
accused me of tricking her into marriage even though at the
time I felt that she (along with her mother) pressured me.
She says now that her true personality is one that only
wants to date different guys. She also says shes sorry
she had to get married and have a child to realize this.
Cassia moved out two weeks ago and Ive not called
her since. She has called me three or four times to
chat. One of those calls was at two in the
morning. She said she was upset I hadnt called to
check on her. I said I didnt think it was
necessary because we agreed it was over between us. I think
she gets frustrated because I act indifferent when she
calls. She also asks if Im seeing anyone and drills me
about my personal life. I think shes shocked because I
have not come pleading or begging for her to come back. It
may just be her ego making her call when she doesnt
hear from me. I have not once even asked about the other
man, if there is one.
Doc, am I being too indifferent to Cassia, even though we
have a daughter together? I know the fact that we have a
child changes things because we have to speak to each other
about her. Also, should I give the two of us another try in
Shel - whos tempted to give it another go
I hate to break this to you, but your impending divorce
isnt completely on account of financial ineptitude.
But you and Cassia are the typical Americans. Youre
the folks who dont save anything, youre deep
into credit card debt to the tune of 18 to 25 grand, and you
have to figure out a way to stay in love with each other.
But when theres no food on the table, Interest Level
goes down. To you Psych majors, you have to very careful
with your money.
At first, the vast majority of guys think nothing of the
changes their women make right under their noses. If they
pick up anything at all, most of them think: Oh, great
-- shes falling back in love with me! Here
shes undergoing a complete makeover from Plain Jane to
Jessica Alba, and it doesnt even make them blink. Like
my cousin Doctor Freud once said, You know whats
great about men? Theyre so observant!
Now just imagine
all kinds of guys are dancing slow
with Cassia, rubbing their bodies up against her, breathing
and sweating all over her -- and she wants to keep boogeying
with them! To boot, shes text-messaging with her ex.
In other words, shes out partying with the football
team, plus shes giving false hope to her last
boyfriend! Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love
says, Hey, this girl really loves you, I can
Shel, when Cassia said her ex was just a friend, notice
she didnt say male friend. She happened to
leave that word conveniently out. In other words, she told
you three lies, and then she tried to sell you on the
fairytale that it was all on purpose just to make you angry.
But why did she want to make you angry? You should have
asked her that question. But we already know why she wanted
to tick you off. Because then it would be easier for her to
leave but in this case it looks like she never loved
you in the first place.
When Cassia said she wasnt marriage material, do
you know what that meant? Like I say in the Dating
Dictionary, 25% of all women who get married do it with an
Interest Level of only 40%-49%. And now you two are blaming
each other for the fix youre in. Isnt it funny
when you go to court how you hear two sides of the same
story and one side sounds nothing like the other? This is
the same thing. What a mess, dude. I hope youre
reading my book every night.
When Cassia revealed her true personality to
you, you should have asked her how many dates with men she
needed per night. When she told you she was sorry about
having to have a child to arrive at her realization, it
wasnt even Womanese anymore. It was way beyond Woman
Talk. She was into a different territory altogether. She
must really dig you, Shel.
Let me ask you this question: why do you pick up the
phone at two in the morning when Cassia calls? Why
dont you let her babble to the answering machine?
Thats what theyre for, dont forget. Let
her chatter away there. Then erase the message the next
morning -- dont even listen to it. Havent you
heard enough from this prize already?
But then I can understand why Cassias upset, pal.
Why should you be miffed that shes seeing the ex
behind your back and doing full body rubs at the local disco
with all those lounge lizards? Heck, you should be calling
her up and pleading with her to see you. I cant
believe how selfish you are!
But seriously, you should tell your wife how consumed you
are with your wonderful, fantastic life when she tries to
get in touch. Im really tied up, honey. Im
having a little party over here. So get back to me later,
okay? Thats what you tell her.
What makes you beautiful, Shel, is that you are acting
indifferent to Cassia. Five years in, and you dont
call her. You know how many guys wouldnt have the
Self-Control to do that? Like my cousin General Love says,
Soldier, you deserve the Medal of Honor!
When Cassia demands details about your personal life,
tell her Theyre holding a Playmate shoot in the
bathroom right now. In fact, Hefs coming over to
You hit it right on the head, buddy -- women simply
cant believe that they can dump a man and hes
actually surviving. Here she blows the guy off, his heart is
broken, hes got this terrible emptiness engulfing his
stomach, he cant eat, hes losing weight, and
hes fighting with his boss, all over this 105-pound
girl. But not you. Good for you, Shel.
And its great that youre not talking about
the other guys. Yes, it is just Cassias ego
thats bruised by your refusal to cave in and turn into
a basket case when she tramples on you. When any other
womans Interest Level drops from 51% to 49%,
youre supposed to beg. And that abject whimpering and
whining will drive her Interest Level from 49% to 40%. Then,
when she hooks up with the latest new guy, it will drop
further, to 39%, and youre out. Thats the way it
works. In your case, Cassia moved out.
But Shel, youre different. Youre doing
everything right. Youre not giving Cassia the
satisfaction and youre keeping your dignity intact.
When youre around her with your daughter, be very,
very affectionate toward your wife. Then grab the kid and
head to Disneyland.
Youll have to remain cordial with Cassia because of
your child, but do it expeditiously. Talking about the kid
is okay, but other than that, youre getting off the
phone. When she says she wants to talk about something else,
tell her Babe, you got 30 seconds. Im a real
busy man. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
Let her walk around wondering what youre so busy
But after all the torture you suffered at the hands of
this wench, youre thinking of getting back together
with her. Shel, your wife never dug you from the beginning,
so theres nothing to go back to.
Remember, guys: make sure shes deeply in love with
you when you marry her.
How Does Hef keep Them from Coming on
First of all, thank you for all the great advice! I
recently purchased your Dating Dictionary. The
System has helped me more than I could even have
hoped. But I hope you can help me more now.
Ive been following your guidelines strictly with
the girls I date. Their Interest Levels are above 50% or
higher. But whenever Ive succeeded in getting past the
first three dates, something happens. After about two months
of dating them, they start saying I love you, or
I feel like Ive known you forever.
Which might sound great, but how can someone
love you after just two months of knowing you?
And the worst thing is that they expect me to say, I
love you in return, or to become further committed to
them. At this level, Ive already asked them not to
date anyone else (they all agreed). But to me, thats
entirely different from what they expect: they e-mail or
text- message me several times a day (expecting a response
for every single message, of course), expect me to call them
every single day, etc. I dont acquiesce to their
Ive told all these girls the same thing, which is
that a two-month love is still too fragile for
me to blindly dive into something deeper, and that Im
not comfortable with all this smothering from them, either.
By the way, I never let these discussions get heated up (I
keep it light and funny).
The result? They have accused of me of being
emotionally unavailable. They cry and try to
convince me to say the L word. They accuse of me
of being unfair. Finally, they start advising
me: with the next girl in my life I shouldnt come on
strong and heavy at first, only to take it away
from them after a few weeks. Finally, tired of all the
drama, I break up with them. Or they break up (angry and
hurt, naturally or so they claim) with me.
Doc, I dont think Im emotionally unavailable.
I try to see my girl once a week, show her through my
actions that I care and that Im having a great time
with her. So what am I doing wrong? Or am I under some curse
and just meeting emotionally unhealthy women? I dont
know if it matters, but Im a foreigner (I moved to the
U.S. three years ago) and each one of these girls has been
the all-American blonde. And theyve been single (which
to me should translate into very little
baggage). Theyve been all kinds of women, too,
from teachers to doctors. Their ages are 20s to early 30s
I would like to continue dating a girl longer than two to
three months, without her becoming too demanding or
smothering me. Is that possible?
Jiri - whos baffled by American girls
I want to thank you very much for investing in your
future. You arrived at the realization that when it comes to
love, its a jungle out there and you need all the
coaching you can get. And of course thats where I come
Pal, these girls are leaning heavy on you because
theyre falling in love with you. So youre
looking at a positive development as a negative. As
Ive told you guys so many times, my techniques make
you dangerous. Give me nine or 10 dates, two or three
months, and you see the results, the numbers are there.
Jiri, you got this strong response from women because you
did almost everything right.
You hit it right on the head that a woman cant
really love you after so short a time. Like my cousin Sal
The Fish Love says, Shes in the
heat stage. Give her a little more time.
And in the heat stage shes saying to you that as long
as you keep doing everything right from here on out,
shell stay with you for the rest of your life.
So when she starts hinting that the two of you were
husband and wife in a previous incarnation, tell her:
The reason I dropped my last three girlfriends is
because they pressured me, and I think that true love takes
a long time to develop. Im real happy that we both
like each other so much, but we only have two and a half
months in. We have at least another 10 months to go. And as
far as the I love yous go, lets go
down to the pet shop and well get you one of those
So, Jiri, why in the world are you asking these girls not
to date anyone else? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
My son, why are you wasting time selling her when
shes already sold? They should be telling you
that they dont want to date anyone else. So why are
you giving them orders? Why ask a babe with 95% Interest
Level to be faithful? Like Doctor Freud would say,
Its repetitive redundancy!
When she starts with the text messages and phone calls,
just tell her Honey, its nice to hear from you,
but save it for our next date. And dont cave in
to her desire to respond. You might not be acquiescing to
their demands, dude, but youre taking this way too
much to heart. To you Psych majors, never take women
And why are you talking heavy with these girls at all?
Debating with them over why you cant plunge into a
deep pool of love with them is way, way too much. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Just keep your mouth shut
and go out with as many of them as you can! Let them
blab their guts out. You dont have to come back with
anything. Just sit there and smile, and when theyre
done yakking, give them a kiss. It always works, I guarantee
But youre still not comfortable with all the
smothering. You know what my cousin Brother Love down in
Watts says, dont you? Yo, dog, you better get
used to it! Because youre using Challenge. THIS
IS WHAT CHALLENGE DOES TO WOMEN. This is the whole idea of
being a Challenge. Again, you Psych majors, we want these
girls blabbering on like this, telling you how much they
love you even though they hardly know you.
You might think youre keeping it light and funny,
man, but youre not. Youre contradicting
yourself. Entering into protracted debates about love and
binding commitments on any serious level is not light and
its not funny.
When these girls accuse you of being emotionally
unavailable, what youre really hearing is a
manifestation of low Self-Esteem on their part. To you
shrinks out there, excuse me for stealing your podium for a
moment, but a clinically sane, emotionally balanced woman
would just let the whole thing ride. Shed say to
herself, This guys a cool customer. Its
very attractive. Im totally impressed. But a
woman with low Self-Esteem? Uh-uh. Shell freak out.
She hates Challenge and loves Control of you.
When a girl tries to get you to say the L
word, ask her if you can say it just once a week. Tell her
you want to take care of next months quota right now.
What do you mean, shell ask, and you answer: I
love you I love you I love you I love you! There, Im
all caught up -- now lets have some fun!
Jiri, you didnt take anything away from these
ladies. You were just being a Challenge. You were
consistent. Their lectures and rants are just more
Dont get rattled, my friend. You should be having
fun with all this stuff, kidding and laughing about it with
your girlfriends. You should be talking to them like Owen
Wilson or Jim Carrey would in a non-stop comedy
routine. Parry their desperation like a master boxer. And if
you cant stop her from going completely nuts, tell
her: Honey, listen, youre going too fast for me
too soon. You gotta slow it down. But we had a good run.
Youre not doing anything wrong. Youre doing
everything right. Youre just going out with psychos,
Beautiful Women with a lot of little devils between their
ears. Welcome to the wonderful world of dating. The fact
that youre foreign has nothing to do with any of this.
Youre of the male gender, thats all that
Sure, you would think that the fact that theyre
single would mean they have little or no baggage. Except for
one little problem -- you know nothing about their
childhoods! Youre sane and theyre not. And as
far as their occupations go, like my cousin General Love
puts it, Just because a woman can sew a guys arm
back on his body, it doesnt mean shes good for
the long haul!
So dont sweat it, Jiri. Youll date a girl for
longer than two or three months. You just havent found
her yet. You have to learn to relax and enjoy the ones
youre with. The women youre dealing with now
will teach you a lot about which ones to avoid. If they get
too demanding, take a walk. Baby, youre
smothering me. Do me a favor call me in 60
days. Thats what you say.
Remember, guys: there are nut-cases in every country, not
How Does Ralph Fiennes Handle
Ive read your columns for some time now and would
like to thank you for your astute advice on handling women.
Even though I try to practice The System,
I acknowledge that I still need improvement. The following
scenario is a good example of this.
While on a flight a few weeks back, I sat next to an
attractive girl named Brianna. Before we parted ways, I
asked for her phone number and waited seven days to call
her. I called her on a Monday and told her that I wanted to
take her out for drinks that Thursday and she agreed.
On Wednesday she committed the cardinal sin of dating:
she broke the date using the excuse that her
friend was in town. She then counter-offered,
but weakly, by asking if I wanted to go out with her and her
friends. I didnt take the bait, but I
still blundered by asking her to take time away from her
friends on Sunday so I could take her out for lunch. She
said that she would call back.
Realizing the serious mistake I made, I called her soon
afterwards and explained that I forgot that Id made
plans for Sunday and was busy the entire weekend. Thursday
was my only available day. I could then hear her hesitating
for a moment, and then she said We should
reschedule, but she didnt give a specific day. I
didnt respond to her verbally but in my mind I was
thinking Yeah, right.
Over the next few days, I told myself I shouldnt
call this girl because she wasnt interested in me. The
words that kept haunting me, though, were We should
reschedule. A little less than two weeks later, I
decided to give it one last try. After calling two times and
getting her answering machine, I left a short message giving
the day and time I wanted to pick her up for dinner, my
phone number, and nothing else. After two days without a
reply, I promptly erased her number, expecting to never see
her again. To my surprise, she called back and apologized
for not calling sooner. She said shed been feeling ill
but was better now and would like to go out to dinner with
We went out and had a good time. I kept the conversation
light, my eyes on hers, and made her laugh. At the end of
the evening, I walked her to her place and stopped a few
feet from the entrance like a gentleman. I decided not to
kiss her that night, but now realize that I should have done
so to gauge her true Interest Level.
At this point Im unsure of what to do. Brianna is
pretty, with a very upbeat and warm personality. I am
interested in seeing her again, but I dont know if I
should pursue her. I think that her actions raise red flags
and green flags at the same time. What do you think, Doc? Do
you think shes given me mixed signals? If not, then
how should I pursue this girl?
Brandon - who doesnt know if hes coming or
Thank you for having the confidence to ask your question.
Most guys dont have the guts to ask a question like
yours, and it shows youre open to a new experience and
widening your horizons in the area of how womens minds
work when it comes to romantic relationships.
Its great that you waited seven days to call
Brianna. You were right on schedule. But let me ask you a
question: if this girl had high Interest Level in you, would
she ever have broken that first date? Then, Brandon, ask
yourself this question: is there one guy in the world she
wouldnt have done that to? George Clooney, maybe? Or
Orlando Bloom? The answer to that question is what the male
ego cant handle.
Now let me make sure I understand you right. Brianna
tells you shes breaking your date, and what do you do?
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, You hand her a new
whip so she can beat you some more! You know to never
do group dates, but you actually asked her out on top of a
broken date? Youre not supposed to ask her out EVER
AGAIN after a babe pulls that on you, and guy, you
That said, at least youre on the right path with
The System. Remember to place it by your bed,
and read it every night for 10 minutes for the rest of your
life. Any less than that, and youre going to be making
Then Brianna tells you, Ill call you
back. And you believed her. Oh, Lord, Brandon. There
isnt a woman on the planet who hasnt trotted out
that whopper at one time or another. Like my oddsmaker pal
in Vegas says, Ill give you million to one it
aint gonna happen!
After you insisted on humiliating yourself and calling
her again, she hesitated. Thats a very
telling word. Do women who would take a bullet for the
husbands theyre madly in love with ever hesitate? When
a female prison guard springs some bad-ass dude who
sweet-talked her, does she hesitate slipping him a
What you should have asked Brianna was So
whats a good day for you? To you Psych majors,
then shes got no wiggle room. You would have heard her
Because you staggered her, just like Floyd Mayweather with a
left hook. But youll get craftier the more you study
Brandon, you dont argue with yourself over whether
or not to call this girl. You throw her number away --
period. When she said, we should reschedule,
shes just working your weak, deprived ego. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, She does it to all the
guys she toys with.
We should reschedule is just a generality.
Girls with low Interest Level toss out generalities that
dont mean anything. Girls with high Interest Level get
specific: No, but I can make it Sunday at
So you wanted to give it one last try, huh? Let me ask
you another question: how many lottery tickets did you buy
last week? You called her again and left a message? What did
I tell you guys about phones? You fellas just dont get
it. You want to rush in and make it worse by begging. By
getting on your knees and crawling like a pathetic worm.
All this girl has to do is pick up the phone and
shes got you. But she cant do it. Why? Because
her Interest Level is below the Mason-Dixon Line. So stop
trying to think up excuses for her and quit trying to help
her, for Petes sake. Look at it this way. Lets
say the girls Interest Level is 55% before you dial
her digits. By actually calling her you just pushed it down
Brandon, have you noticed that every time you ask this
girl out, theres some kind of catastrophe? First
theres a friend coming in from the East. The next time
you called she couldnt go out because when she heard
your voice she wanted to throw up. (Thats how come she
was ill.) When are you going to take the hint?
When Brianna finally consented to go out with you, how
many times did she touch your arm? Big, big mistake, not
trying to kiss her. When you dont know a babes
Interest Level, you have to go for it. You have to push the
issue. Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
You want her to turn her head so you dont have
to waste your time on her anymore.
But with everything thats happened so far,
youre not talking about her Interest Level. What you
want to know is this: whats her Interest Level based
on her actions?
Heres what I think of your situation.
Briannas giving you mixed signals because she has low
Interest Level. Wait for her to call you and ask you out.
Meanwhile, hustle other women. Her Interest Level is around
40%. Youre just fill-in material, Brandon. Shes
thinking to herself, Oh! Thursdays
.Let me call that stooge I can break dates with
he doesnt mind!
Like my cousin General Love says, Thats the
way the enemy thinks and thats when shes
in a sweet, caring mood!
Remember, guys: when they screw around with your head,
dont rationalize, please.
Does Leonardo DiCaprio ever have
Trouble Knowing when to go for the Kiss?
Im 18 years old and completely in love with Jenna.
Shes gorgeous and in my senior high school class and
weve been talking for more than a month now. You might
find this hard to believe, but Ive had dates with lots
of girls before. Jennas only had one boyfriend before
me. I know him and hes a complete klutz.
A few days ago I invited Jenna to go to a movie that she
wanted to see. Since we had some schedule confusion, she
surprisingly called me to arrange the date and everything
After the movie was over, we ended up talking for a
half-hour until her mother called Jennas cell phone
and said she was waiting for her in the parking lot. At that
point, I gave her a gift of a CD of her favorite band that
she mentioned she wanted. She was ecstatic about my
thoughtfulness and gave me a huge hug.
Doc, at that moment I knew that I should kiss her, but I
didnt because everything happened so fast. I knew that
Id missed an opportunity, and Ive felt
frustrated about it ever since.
Jenna and I now have a date to go to a concert she wants
to attend. Im afraid the same thing is going to happen
again the moment to kiss her will come and go and
again I wont have done anything. The problem is that I
don't know when I should give her a first kiss. She is very
hard to catch, Doc. I believe that Jenna likes me, but
sometimes Im not really sure. Does that make
What do you think, Doc? I've never tried to kiss a
hard-to-catch girl before. The other girls I went out with
were easy to read, but not this one.
I hope you can help me because Im very interested
in this girl, and Im sure Im not the only guy in
a similar situation.
Ronde - whos a little mixed-up
Its just fabulous that youre completely in
love with Jenna. But never lose sight of the fact that
theres something much more important going on here.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, What are her
feelings towards you, Junior? Guys, its her
Interest Level that counts not yours.
Hey, I believe youve had dates with lots of girls,
Ronde. But when you looked at them, they sort of just
blended into the crowd. Jenna a double for Kate
Beckinsale -- looks like she materialized straight off the
cover of Elle magazine. And that means you have to be extra
careful and really know what youre doing or
youll get eaten alive. Remember, no matter how sweet
and innocent she appears, youre still dealing with the
MOST DANGEROUS CREATURE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. Leopards,
jaguars, cheetahs and tigers are beautiful to look at
Sure, Jennas only had one boyfriend in her life
and shes rejected 2,000 others whove been
coming on to her since she was 13! And by the way, Ronde,
why would you want someone who digs klutzes?
When Jenna called you to set up your date after all that
schedule conflict and confusion, she was doing you a big
favor. To you Psych majors, she cleaned up your mess. But
once her Mommy called her on her cell phone, you should have
taken Jenna straight home. Remember, you dont want to
tick off her folks since youre both still in high
Now let me get this straight. You presented Jenna with a
gift on your very first date? Jeez, pal, why didnt you
just the buy her the engagement ring while you were
shopping? I mean, why waste time?
Now lets get on to whats really bugging you.
Ronde, youre wrong thinking that you have to kiss
Jenna the minute you get within three feet of her. In fact,
you shouldnt have kissed her. Youre putting way
too heavy a trip on yourself.
Listen up: youre not going to kiss this girl at
all. This girls going to kiss you (assuming you stop
So dont feel frustrated, guy. Believe it or not,
you did the right thing by not going for it. See, everybody
tries to kiss this girl. Youll just be one of a whole
flock of turkeys if you force the issue. But youre
going to stand out because youre different from the
rest of her fans and worshippers.
So now you two are going to a concert. Hm
I detect a
pattern here. Jenna picks the concerts
she picks the
and she picks the times you get together. What
do you ever get to pick? As my cousin General Love once
said, Is she going to tell you when you can talk after
you get married? Or as Doctor Freud put it,
Sonny, are you trying to do a perfect impersonation of
Nevertheless, I still dont want you to do anything
when it comes to kissing. Youre doing just fine as you
are. Youll kiss this girl only after she begs you to
Jennas not hard to catch, dude. Shes coming
right at you, in case you havent noticed. She cleans
up your messes and youre going out on a second date.
So just keep smiling and showing her your teeth and your
shiny shoes. And dont forget to show her a little
Challenge while youre at it. You dont want to be
a doormat even before you say, I do.
My friend, youre not really sure Jenna digs you
only because shes so gorgeous and you dont have
any experience with a real woman. So of course it makes
sense that youre confused about whether or not she
likes you -- especially considering the source!
But seriously, its great that shes not so
easy to read. Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love
says, It means she hasnt been out with the rugby
Make no mistake, though -- every guy at school loves this
girl. Even the tenth-graders love her. Like the old cowboy
saying goes, They say shes old, but shes a
But always remember that guys do the picking, but women
do the choosing.
Remember, guys: you have to conserve yourself and not
rush in; otherwise youre going to lose her to another
Does Justin Timberlake ever have Trouble with
Ive read your columns for a while, and
just recently purchased your book.
Thanks to your techniques, I hooked Vanessa and
weve been together for over a year now. We
love each other, Doc, and for the most part the
relationship has been fine. Vanessa is Beautiful,
Self-Reliant, and has a good overall attitude. So
far, so good.
Our biggest sticking point is her best friend
and roommate. This girl is always whispering dirty
little things to Vanessa and tries to break us up
so that she can have my girl all to herself. My
problem is that Vanessa stays friends with her. For
instance, the roommate couldnt pay her share
of the rent once, so she moved in with her
boyfriend, and then, when they broke up, she moved
back, without ever paying for the month she missed.
THE WORST PART IS VANESSA LET IT HAPPEN!
This is the sort of thing that happens all the
time. Vanessa is just too soft a touch. Doc, I
would love to neutralize this situation somehow
without having to take out a contract. It seems
like this issue will eventually come between
Vanessa and me, and it keeps me feeling really
insecure about our whole relationship.
One other thing. Sometimes Vanessa is very
flakey with me. When shes around, she shows
90% Interest Level in me, but when shes not,
it can be like pulling teeth trying to get her to
hang out. Still, she calls me most of the time.
This has been the pattern throughout our entire
Doc, what do you make of it? Its possible
that I am too available because whenever Vanessa
calls I answer (but I keep the conversations
short). Should I cut back on my availability? Will
that set her straight? What do I have to do to get
rid of the leech whos sucking the blood out
of my girl and get more power in this
Tiki - who feels like hes fighting a
Theres really only one thing you can do
when you have to deal with Vanessas roommate
from hell. Go with the flow and defuse the
situation with humor. What have I always told you
guys? Keep it light, keep it funny. Like Doctor
Freud once said, Can you imagine Cary Grant
getting bent out of shape over some babes
So lets say the roommate hisses to
Vanessa, I dont know why you like this
guy. Hes not even that attractive. You
come back with this to your girl: Hey, baby,
when I look in the mirror I see the spitting image
of Quasimodo I dont know what
shes talking about!
Or if she whispers behind your back,
Vanessa, why do you even go out with Tiki?
Hes never going anywhere in life, you
shoot back: Are you kidding? Im
planning on collecting unemployment the rest of my
life and sleeping under the freeway. If thats
not going places, I dont know what
The point is to let the nasty stuff roll off you
like water off a ducks back. Make a joke of
it. If you give no resistance, the roommate has no
target to fire at. Its one of the oldest
tricks in the world.
And for now, at least, you dont have much
choice, Tiki. Vanessa likes this gal-pal of hers.
As the Reality Factor says, you have to come to
grips with it instead of fighting it. Shes
not going to get rid of her, no matter what you
say. To boot, they live together. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love puts it, You gotta be slick
to outwit them.
Now, I just cant believe that
Vanessas roommate would skip on the rent.
Impossible! I find it hard to accept that any woman
would pull such a sleazy ruse! Why, it must be the
first time in recorded history that a female used
But of course you know why that happened --
because your girlfriends an easy touch. The
good parts of Vanessa are that shes sweet and
naïve and a Giver. The bad part is that she
cant tell a good person from a user. But is
that the worst thing in the world, Tiki? Better to
have a woman with a good heart than
someone like her roommate.
So, a soft touch is what youre going to
marry. Everything else about this girl is awesome,
right? Can you learn to live with her one flaw if
the rest of her is perfect and shes
Beautiful? Thats what you have to ask
yourself. And thats what The
System is all about: finding out who the girl
really is and whether or not you can put up with
But remember this. When Vanessa marries you,
shes not going to be living with the dreaded
roommate anymore. If she wants to go out with her
girlfriends, fine. If she wants to have the
roommate over for a cup of tea and crumpets, go and
have a beer with your buddies. Get out of the house
for a couple of hours.
Youre going to have to work with this
situation, thats the point here, buddy. If
Vanessa wants to keep this thief as a personal
friend until she gets screwed over again, fine.
Just dont let the roommate take you out. Like
my cousin General Love says, Boys, never take
a bullet indirectly. And when Vanessa brings
it up, tell her, You know I really like this
roommate of yours, honey. You should have another
girlfriend like her. Then walk around the
block and bang your head against a brick wall. Just
dont do it in front of her, like Macho Boy
Tiki, if you wiped this infernal roommate off
the face of the planet, youd end up paying an
even heavier price than youre paying now.
Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Your girlfriend would visit you three or four
times in jail, then shed run off with the
prison guard. And if not him, then another jailbird
when he gets out on parole. Youre not
going to hold onto Vanessa by blowing her roommate
away, man. So taking out a contract is out of the
Your girl has been all over you for a year and
shes great. She just happens to have horrible
taste in girlfriends. Youre going to learn to
live with it or youre going to have to walk.
But like my cousin Rabbi Love once said, When
you find the next girl, youll have something
else to kvetch about.
If youre pulling teeth to get Vanessa to
hang out with you, then youre begging, my
friend. When she calls you up, let her ask you out.
If she doesnt ask you out within five
minutes, tell her youre busy and youll
talk to her later. Then wait until she begs you to
And if this babe calls you most of the time,
Tiki, youve already got the battle almost
won. Force her to call you ALL of the time by
staying off the phone and not phoning her. That way
her attention is always incoming, and her Interest
Level will go up via CHALLENGE.
The way it is now, of course, you hop to
whenever Vanessa calls. Youre like a
paramedic -- on duty 24 hours a day. The only
difference between you and them is that youre
on duty seven days a week, too. Paramedics get
three days off.
So yes, cutting back on your availability will
set Vanessa straight. And theres one surefire
way of claiming power in your relationship: by
building up the roommate to your girlfriend. To you
Psych majors, its called reverse
Remember, guys: theres no such thing as a
Does Colin Farrell ever
have to Get Rid of Her Guy "Friends"?
I think your stuff is foolproof and provides a
fascinating view into the constant chess game being
played between the sexes.
Heres my situation. Im 20 and I
think Ive found my soulmate. I dont
fall in love easy, but I can honestly say Im
in love with my girlfriend of six months, Shakira.
Shes also 20, is gorgeous, innocent,
super-affectionate, and acts like one of the guys.
Ive been with many women and Ive never
been happier than I am with her. I am her first
major beau. Shes confessed her love to me and
talks a lot about marriage.
Now, being one of the guys is great. I love it
that Shakira isnt a girly-girl. But the vast
majority of her friends are guys, and thats
the problem. I have major trust issues with women.
However, I do trust Shakira because Ive
tested her many times by showing up unexpectedly
when shes out with these guy friends. But
this group of guys drives me up the wall. I believe
they are shady characters and Ive told
Shakira that they arent to be trusted. I
remember hanging out with hot chicks who had
boyfriends just to try and woo them away, and I
know for a fact that at least two of these guy
friends have asked Shakira out in the past before
we started dating, another one tried to steal my
girlfriends sister away from her husband, and
the other friend is her ex, who Ive already
had words with because he made a very sorry attempt
to try and get Shakira back while I was away at
school. (She rebuffed him, by the way.)
Guys, unless theyre gay, dont keep
hot chicks around just to be friends. Since
theyre shady, who knows what, given the
opportunity, these guys might do?
Our relationship now seems to be teetering on
this one issue. I want Shakira to dump all of these
losers. She makes it an issue by saying, You
cant tell me who I can and cannot hang out
with. She thinks I was too rough on her ex
when I confronted him, so she tries to keep me and
the guy friends apart as much as possible because
she thinks Im going to bully them, too.
Doc, I dont know what to do. Im
frustrated because it looks like
this one issue could dissolve this otherwise
great relationship. How should I handle these shady
friends that probably secretly love Shakira?
Do I tell her to choose between them and me? Do
I tell them politely to lay off? It seems however I
try to work it out it causes a fight. Id
appreciate your expert insight.
Jermaine - whos all out of ideas
Youre dead right about the relations
between the sexes being a tricky chess game,
because it involves strategies and tactics and
maneuvering. And do you know why its like
that? Because the Reality Factor says that romantic
love is all about POWER -- or at least a big, big
part of it is.
Jermaine, right off the bat you and Shakira have
a problem. Both of you are only 20. And you know
what I always say about 18- to 22-year-olds
(especially the girls): youre not grown up
yet. But you will be. I just hope youre
staying a constant Challenge to this girl. Because
like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
A Beautiful Woman whos only 20 never
has to wear make-up. And like my other cousin
Fast Eddie Love puts it, A 10 is
always trouble. Youve got to be
completely schooled in my techniques to have even a
remote chance of survival.
That said, its great that Shakira
confessed her love to you and that she brings up
the subject of marriage -- as long as you keep in
mind that shes just a baby.
But wait a minute here, Jermaine. Youre
only 20 and youve already had tons of women?
Maybe youre the first guy ever who
doesnt need the Dating Dictionary.
But I dont believe that for a minute.
Because by your own admission you have major trust
issues with women, which means you werent all
that successful with the ones who came before
Now what do I always tell you guys? Keep it
light, keep it funny, no heavy subjects, no
negatives, no put-downs. Your girl has done
everything right. Shes never given you a red
flag. So what do you do? You get all uptight on
account of your hang-ups. You decide to show her
how shaky your confidence is. You demonstrate how
insecure you are. Like my cousin Brother Love down
in Watts says, My friend, you still have
When you sneak around and check on Shakira, do
you figure theres any chance shes
thinking how weak you are for spying on her? Any
chance her Interest Level drops a few points
because she knows youre not sure of yourself
or her, even though the guy friends she hangs out
with dont have a chance with her?
Dog, youre making a big, big mistake by
fretting over these guys. Instead, you should be
building them up! You should have told your girl,
Im glad youre hanging out with
these boys. Theres no reason for me to be
all-uptight about it. Honey, you wanna go out with
a hundred guys, you go on and play with them! Be my
guest! And have a good time!
But youre doing the exact opposite.
Youre trying to control this babe. Lets
face it youre not going to be able
keep her on a leash. As Doctor Freud once said,
Its a delusion for a guy to think
hes ever going to tell a woman what to
do. Thats why when youre dealing
with a female, youve always got to be shrewd
and take an oblique shot. Youve got to attack
from your flank position instead of the front line.
Like my cousin General Love warns, Never go
straight at her, soldier. Shell slaughter
Naturally all kinds of guys are pressuring
Shakira to go out look at her, for
Gods sake! Shes gorgeous! Why
wouldnt they ask her out? Your problem,
Jermaine is that youre so insecure. But since
Shakiras Interest Level is in the nineties,
theres no reason for you to be so
unconfident. So whats wrong with you? Are you
sure youve read my materials?
You have to realize that guys are bird dogs,
even your friends. To you Psych majors,
theyre always going to try to steal your
girl, especially when she looks like Beyonce. There
are very few guys wholl be loyal when it
comes to your squeeze -- very, very few.
Theyll always try and rip you off. But if
Shakira has already told her ex to get lost, why
are you telling him to get lost?
As I said earlier, your little girl is 20 and
hasnt completely grown up yet. So let these
other dudes show their true colors over the long
haul, and if they dont behave themselves and
she goes for it, then you have to realize she
prefers guys whove done a couple years in
Rikers Island over you. But not yet.
What should you do? Say, Shakira -- you
know, I was thinking about it, and I cant
tell you who to run around with. But if you want to
see your guy pals, its fine with me.
Theyre not my cup of tea, but theyre
good guys you go ahead and hang out with
And then keep your mouth shut and go talk to a
Shakiras 200% right that you cant
tell her who to hang out with. And you were too
rough on her ex; she was on target on that one too.
With every single thing youre doing, man,
youre lowering Interest Level. You should be
out having a beer with your rivals (without having
Shakira along) and being their pal. Remember what
Michael Corleone said in The Godfather: Keep
your friends close, but your enemies
Sadly, Jermaine, this one issue will end up
dissolving your beautiful relationship unless you
get a grip. And its all your fault.
Shakiras a Beautiful Woman, shes 20
years young, and I dont care if its one
guy or 50 guys, theyre always going to be
hustling her because of her looks. You love her,
right? Well, why wouldnt they love her? Heck,
I havent even met her and I love her!
But shes got 95% Interest Level in you,
and thats the one weapon you have in your
Dont make her choose between you and them.
Do nothing. Just put on a happy face and bite your
tongue. And dont order these characters to
lay off because theyre not going to do
it. Theyre not going to pay any attention to
you at all! Youre at the bottom of the totem
pole in this game.
Instead, go back to my book and learn to
practice SELF-CONTROL, PATIENCE, and
Remember, guys: unless it raises her Interest
Level, she doesnt want to hear it.
Does Jamie Foxx ever let
Them Pay for Dinner?
I bought your book, have diligently read your
columns and have completely digested your
philosophy. While The System does
expose many truths about relationships, I have
First, the one-week waiting policy. I tried that
method, as well as my own
method and I have found no difference between the
two. Recently I called a girl Id just met and
successfully set up a date with her for later that
night. We got very romantic and Im still
seeing her. I understand how waiting a week can be
playing hard to get, but its my
philosophy not to stoop to their level. I try to be
upfront about what I want without resorting to
playing games and thus far have had no
Second, I have to criticize your aversion to
anything sexual. How can you give relationship
advice while skirting the issue of sexuality?
Sexuality is a very large part of the reason why I
want a relationship and I dont believe
Im alone on that point.
My final complaint is on the topic of paying for
womens meals and dates. This, to me, is the
absolute worst thing a man can do! I dont pay
for a woman
EVER. I value my time spent with
her, and if she doesnt feel the same way,
then she can go home. I should never have to pay to
take a woman out. This is the age of equality, and
there are no excuses for a man paying for anything.
If a man pays for a womans time, it is
begging. I believe that a woman should be
interested in me and not a free dinner. I feel very
strongly about this point, and I have never had a
problem after explaining to a woman how I feel.
Believe it or not, most women are actually
impressed or turned on by my attitude.
I do not expect you to publish this letter, as
it would be disastrous to your
marketing/advertising efforts, but I would
appreciate a reply. I used to recommend your
philosophy to other frustrated guys, but I
dont anymore. If you can explain to me why
Im wrong, I assure you I will resume doing
Noah - who is beginning to see it
You say youve completely digested my
philosophy. But let me ask you a question: are you
sure youve completely memorized my book?
Because I if you had, you wouldnt have all
these questions! Once youve committed
The System to memory, youve got
all the answers youll ever need when it comes
to women. And theyre the right answers.
Now, pal, Ive interviewed thousands of
women over the years, and when I tell them the guy
should wait a week to call, why is it 90% of them
go ballistic? Because being faced with Challenge
for a change makes them sit up and take notice.
Challenge gets under their skin. Most guys
like you -- cant control themselves and are
all over a babe if she gives them the time of
And heres something else. Dont you
see that youre kowtowing to a girl by coming
on heavy and jumping right on the phone to her 10
minutes after you meet? Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, You got it backwards, cowboy!
Hey, dont get me wrong, Noah. Im
really happy youre not having any problems
with any of the babes youre dating. But
Im really curious to know what kind of women
they are. Like my cousin Sal The Fish
Love says, Hey, man, are you cruising
websites for females in the federal prison
Lets move on to the topic of sexuality.
Dude, I want to ask you another question. Does a
married man whose wifes Interest Level is
100% ever have to talk about or angst over the
subject of sex? Does this guy ever have any
problems in that area? Is sex an issue ever for him
in his relationship? The answer is NO. Again,
youve got the cart before the horse. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Worry about
whether she digs you, man. The other stuff will
take care of itself.
But something else is involved here. The Reality
Factor says that women have sex with you when their
Interest Level is 51% to 100%, but what most men
dont understand is that some women have sex
with you when their Interest Level is only 40% to
49%. And thats where the problems come
Its a half-truth that paying for a
womans dinner is the worst thing a man can
do. If you do four to six dates with her and she
doesnt want to spring for dessert, then you
can be sure you dont have a Giver on your
hands. So in that sense, I see your point. But not
paying for a woman ever? Youre going out with
women and youre never going to pop for even a
lousy cup of coffee? Youre seeing lots of
women, right, Noah? Well, the ones youre
going out with must weigh at least 350 to 400
pounds, or youre the spitting image of Brad
Pitt. To you Psych majors, This guy must be
the drummer in the band!
Saying that a woman can go home if she
isnt completely knocked out by merely basking
in your presence is another half-truth. Because you
have to be doing something on these dates besides
walking around the block. If you go bowling, you
have to rent the shoes, right? If you go to the
zoo, you have pay admission to get in, dont
Paying for a woman greases the relationship. In
the mating dance, the male, at the beginning, goes
for the bill. Thats the way it is. So
youre way off base here. I cant imagine
what the women youre dating have going on
between their ears. Maybe nothing?
Lets face it -- not ever having to pay to
take a woman out would be the ideal. But the
Reality Factor says that the man opens his wallet.
Whats more, buddy, its not begging to
treat a woman. ITS SHOWING MANNERS AND CLASS.
I mean, can you imagine Cary Grant ever sticking
her with the bill? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
Are you sure theyre not calling you
tightwad behind your back?
That said, its true that a lot of women
are only interested in free meals. Theyre
called Gold-Diggers and Professional Daters. But if
my techniques were completely burned into your
brain cells, youd be able to tell the
difference between a girl you could buy dinner for
and one you couldnt.
So let me get this straight. Youre
actually telling me you say Whats your
home phone number? And by the way, when we go out I
dont pay for anything -- but Im dying
to see you! Is that really your approach?
Smooth, my friend, smooth. No wonder youre so
popular! Can I ask you a question? Just how many
tattoos do these girls have on their arms?
Noah, dont you worry about my
marketing/advertising efforts. I just sold four
more books because of you.
Now you said something very interesting at the
end of your letter you referred to
other frustrated guys. Which means that
youre frustrated, right? You just got through
telling me that you get away with murder with all
these honeys, which means that their Interest Level
has to be 100%. So how is it youre
frustrated? As Doctor Freud once said,
Somethings not making sense here!
Youve even got me confused!
Remember, guys: you can lead an ass to water,
but you cant make him drink.
Does Lindsay Lohan ever
have to Ask Her Parents' Permission?
Im a dedicated follower of The
System but Ive seemed to encounter a
situation I just cant read yet.
Bridget and I are both 22. I asked for her phone
number and without hesitation she jotted both her
home and cell phone numbers. I waited a week to
call her and asked her out for a Wednesday.
Bridget admitted that her parents were a bit
strict and that shed have to run it by them
first. She called me the following day and told me
that her parents wouldnt allow her to go out
with me because they didnt know me just yet.
She counter-offered to hang out at her house
instead. It was a bit uncomfortable to meet her
parents on a first date, but I figured it was some
sort of test to see if I was truly interested in
her or not.
Things went well that night. Her parents and I
got along amazingly great. They offered me dinner,
and I accepted and was a gentleman throughout the
night. I figured that after I proved
myself, I would be able to take Bridget out on a
I called five days later and asked Bridget out
again, this time for a Thursday night. She
accepted, but she said that shed have to run
my offer by her parents again. She called me the
following day and said her parents still
didnt know me well enough and that they would
prefer we hang out at their house again or with her
friends. She then invited me to a concert on
Sunday, where her friends would be.
Doc, I havent been able to get this girl
out on a date alone yet, and so I cant
interview her. Im pretty sure she
has over 51% Interest Level in me, but its
difficult to gauge her actions and ask questions
when her mom and dad are hovering around or when
her friends are present.
Should I stick with Bridget and hope she
eventually gets permission to really go
out? Or do you think she just wants to be
Your wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Henri - whos never had to face anything
like this before
When a girl jots down every number short of her
Social Security for you, everything is just about
perfect. So Id say you were off to a darned
good start with Bridget. I only wish you two were a
little older. As it is, Bridget is on the outer age
range of the ditz category, but maybe
shes a mature 22-year-old. Well find
Now, this babe is running stuff by her folks for
one of two reasons. Because she has to, or because
she doesnt have to. And also because she has
high Interest Level or because she doesnt
have high Interest Level. What were hoping
for is that she comes from an ultra-conservative
family, because it means she hasnt dated most
of the football or hockey team. So, if youre
patient, this restriction can be a big positive in
Bridget returned your call the very next day?
Dude -- how many women actually do that? One in
eight? Awesome! Like my Brother Love down in Watts
says, We got Interest Level here, baby!
Hallelujah! When she told you her parents
didnt know you yet, you should have asked,
like my cousin Sal The Fish Love would,
Hey -- can I buy em off?
But when she came up with the counteroffer to
hang out at her house, she was helping you out.
What have I told you guys again and again? When a
girl likes you, she helps you out. So she does
appear to have high Interest Level. And it does
seem legitimate that her parents are
ultra-conservative. This is great -- maybe
youve got what we call a sleeper here.
Its uncomfortable anytime you meet
strangers, but dont let having to deal with
Bridgets folks rattle you. When you memorize
my book, nothing will ever bother you again when it
comes to women. Youll be super-confident
because youll know how to handle any
situation youre ever confronted with. So what
you do is shine your shoes and brush your teeth and
flash Bridgets folks a great, big smile.
Because like my cousin the Reverend Love says,
You gotta get the parents out of the way if
youre going to get to Angel!
Sure youre facing a test, pal, but
its not Bridgets -- its her
parents! So youve only got part of it
right. And guy, look at it this way -- they
didnt throw you out, so youve passed
the test so far. Whats more, they asked you
to break bread with them. Thats a big deal to
an ultra-conservative family.
But dont forget, hanging around her house
wasnt a date. A date is when you and Bridget
are alone and nobodys around trying to block
your relationship. So youve gotten way ahead
of yourself, like most guys do. As my Uncle Jethro
Love says, Until all the eggs are broken, you
cant tell how many chickies you
The second time around you should have known you
were going to have to pass the Parents
Test again. But as long as Bridget returns
your phone call, thats all that counts.
So now youre stuck with her friends.
Ideally, the rule is that we dont want any of
those around. But we still havent removed the
parents yet as blockers. But at least when you go
out with Bridgets friends youre out of
their sight. Youre out in a public place with
people who arent her immediate family. Maybe
after two or three of these friends
dates, youll get an alone date.
Look at it this way youre on the right
track and youre getting there.
Buddy, when you say you havent taken
Bridget out alone yet, you act like youve
been chasing her for a year and a half. Youre
just getting warmed up here, man! Youll
interview her down the road. The point is,
shes giving you time. Shes asking you
out. Shes making counter-offers. Hello,
Mister Interest Level!
So youll take care of getting to know
Bridget in depth when her mom and dad finally say
Okay, you can go out alone with Henri
now. It doesnt matter how long this
process takes. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, Youre going to be seeing girls on
the side anyway, right, amigo?
Of course you should stick with Bridget. And no,
she doesnt want to be just friends. This girl
has Interest Level. But your problem is this: like
most guys out there, you want to rush and pressure.
To you Psych majors, youve got to learn to
SLOW IT DOWN.
Remember, guys: until the blockers are blocked,
theres no moving forward.
Did Ben and Jen Argue before
They got Hitched?
Sofia and I have been engaged since this past
August and dated for almost two and a half years
before that. Im 32 and shes 31. She was
always a Flexible Giver, and I had more fun with
her than with any other woman. I also treated her
right, just like you said to in your books.
After about a year and a half, Sofia was ready
for marriage. I eventually proposed to her on a fun
trip to Cape Cod, and we were both excited by it.
We also decided we could move in together since we
were engaged. This is where things got tough.
Since I was living in an apartment and Sofia had
just bought a condo, it made sense for me to move
in with her. The problem is that I had to fight to
hang onto my own stuff and carve out some space for
myself. Sofia was very settled, and I pointed out
that it seemed more important for her to keep HER
stuff the way she wanted it rather than making me
feel welcome. From that point weve been in an
argumentative rut. Sofia has lived alone for six
years while Ive always had a roommate. To
boot, her stuff is thrown everywhere in the condo.
Im kind of an organizational freak, so this
arrangement stresses me.
Things finally came to a head a few weeks ago
when we went shopping at the mall. We were walking
along when all of a sudden my ex-girlfriends
sister walked up and said hi. I was kind of shocked
to see her because I cut off all communication off
with my ex (who does live nearby) four years
Afterwards, Sofia got really mad at me for not
introducing her as my fiancé. I tried to
explain that I was caught off guard and wasnt
thinking straight. I apologized, but I didnt
think it was that big a deal. Another big
The next morning Sofia said she felt foolish and
apologized profusely. But through all of this Doc,
my excitement to get married is greatly
diminishing. Is this part of living together that
Id have to deal with anyway? (Many friends
tell me it is.) Or do we have a real problem? I
know you say a few arguments a year is okay, but
were having too many. It really bothers me
that Im not all pumped up for marriage
I still love Sofia and am willing to work on our
problems. She can tell Im more and more
out of it lately and it makes her sad
because she thinks were on the rocks.
Im trying to be supportive of her, but
Im just numb from it all. Id love some
Val - whos not even married yet but
Your first big mistake was asking Sofia to marry
you. You may own my book, but its obvious you
havent actually read it. Because if you did,
youd know that in The System the
woman always asks the man to get married. You got
things all backwards, and thats why
youre in trouble. Youve got to be more
of a Challenge. Guys, Challenge matters even when
it comes to kissing.
Let me give you an example. The singer Pink met
motocross racer Carey Hart at the 2001 X Games in
Las Vegas and proposed to him last summer. This is
whats supposed to happen when her Interest
Level is through the roof. And when it does happen
that way, the guy and the girl are going to argue a
lot less down the road. (Pink and Carey Hart
recently tied the knot in Costa Rica, by the
Now this is what I dont get, Val. I always
tell you guys to look at a womans Attitude,
right? So you date Sofia for two and a half years,
and every time you go to her house it looks like a
pigsty. You notice it because youre like
Jerry Seinfeld a cootie freak.
Then all of a sudden you move in with her without
setting the ground rules first.
What were you thinking, pal? Didnt you sit
down with your squeeze and establish the boundaries
first? What you should have done was hashed out
with Sofia exactly how you were going to carve up
the territory. Whats going to be your area?
Whats going to be her area? Who can go where
and why? Which furniture are we going to keep? All
that stuff should have been worked out beforehand.
But like most men, instead of controlling yourself,
you rushed in like Dubya invading Bagdad.
If youd have memorized my material, buddy,
you would have had the Doc Love edge the
edge that comes from knowing the Dating Dictionary
inside out -- when you ran into your exs
sister. And when you have that edge, you never get
rattled, because youre ready for anything. In
other words youre like a paramedic
youre on duty 24 hours a day. And when that
call comes in, youre able to deal effectively
with whatever emergency awaits you. To you Psych
majors, when youre with your girl, there are
always going to be twists and turns in the road,
and something tricky is always going to come up.
And thats your chance to dance, show her how
cool you are under pressure.
Why didnt you think you might run into
your ex or her family, Val? Youre in the same
town, so you were probably going to bump into
someone eventually. As the Blackfoot proverb goes,
Its called the geography of the
If you knew my principles, you would have
realized right off what Sofias problem with
that scenario was: Kitty Kats Kompete. How else
would you expect her to react when faced with even
a whiff of a potential rival? And when your girl
ran into your exs sister, you were supposed
to be LOYAL. LOYALTY dictates that you have to
proudly announce that Sofia is your fiancé.
You had to make it perfectly clear where the
boundaries were. Going tongue-tied wasnt
exactly taking a strong stand, buddy. But then
again, you didnt memorize my materials, did
Nevertheless, Sofia apologized profusely anyway.
Whoa! This is a big, big deal! A woman said she was
sorry for throwing a hissy fit? Contact the
Guinness Book of Records right now!
But seriously, Val, your problems all stem from
the fact that you didnt handle this
relationship the right way from the beginning. Like
my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
When it comes to tying the knot, the babe
should always do the begging, otherwise you
aint nothin but a chump.
Second, you should have waited a lot longer to
live in sin. Hey, man, you didnt really know
the girl that well. Youre telling me in one
breath that shes a Flexible Giver, and in the
next that shes fighting over territorial
rights with the guy she wants to spend the rest of
her life with? She should be saying Honey,
with you, Id live in a tent! Or as my
other cousin Fast Eddie Love would put it,
Id hate to see how she acts if she
didnt like you!
But in Sofias defense, youre turning
her off. You see her exs sister and
youre dumbstruck. Your behavior couldnt
have gone over well in Sofias eyes. Heck,
when you run into your actual ex someday,
youll probably pass out. So if you turn a
woman off, how can she have high Interest Level in
What I would do if I were you is go and find an
apartment and continue to date Sofia. In other
words, you have to start all over again. When you
move out, shell make space for your stuff the
next time, I guarantee it. But you have to get out
from under her nose and boost her Interest Level.
Because right now its not anywhere near the
Remember, guys: the key to women is
Did Angelina Wait Until
Brad was Divorced?
I am in desperate need of advice, and I was
hoping you could help me.
I am 38 years old and a police captain. A little
over a year ago I started having an affair with the
city clerk, who is 37. We were both married at the
time. I know it was wrong, but it happened anyway.
I wasnt happy at all with my marriage. For a
long time there was nothing between my wife and me,
and she told me she wasnt happy either.
Things between the city clerk, who Ill call
Meg, and me, took off like a whirlwind. I fell in
love with her, and she tells me she loves me too.
She claims her husband has been unfaithful and
controlling since theyve been married and
that she has not been happy in years.
We promised one another that we would marry and
live happily ever after. It seemed like
we had things all worked out and started dreaming
and planning for the future. I divorced my wife and
have completely dedicated myself to Meg. I do
everything for this woman. I wait on her hand and
foot. I buy her what she needs. I go out of my way
for her mother and children. I can't think of any
other way to show her I love her and how dedicated
I am to our relationship.
I suppose you can already guess whats
coming next. Meg has not left her husband yet. She
tells me she doesn't know why she can't leave him.
Shes always waiting for the right moment, or
for him to cheat on her again, or just an easy way
out. This is really beginning to wear me down. I
have tried to explain to her how much it hurts to
know she is with him and that they do things
together. She seems sympathetic to my agony and
asks me not to give up on her, that she wants to be
my wife and for us to have a life together. Having
to sneak a kiss or a hug, ducking and dodging, and
having to meet somewhere secret to be together is
all new to me. Im beginning to feel like I
get the seconds only when her husband doesn't have
time for her.
Doc, have I been taken for a ride? Or should I
give her the extra time she says she needs? What
the hecks going on?
Freddie - who held up his end of the deal
What do mean, this sordid affair just
happened? Did this little girl put a
gun to your head and make you kiss her? The fact is
that each of you should have been off-limits to the
other. Lots of people would say you shouldnt
mess around at all until youre both divorced.
Until the two of you are legally free, nothing
If there was nothing between you and your wife,
maybe you should have started dating her again, did
you think of that? Maybe you should have given her
110% of your time and effort, taken her out every
Friday and Saturday night, and tried to fix what
went wrong. Pretend a little. Fake it, until you
two got it back on track. If your wifes
Interest Level was hovering in the 51% range, you
should have tried to fan the embers back to life.
Until you did that, Freddie, you had no business
getting divorced, and you shouldnt have been
chasing other women. In the words of Brother Love,
Like half the guys in the world, the vows you
took didnt mean a thing.
Of course things took off between you and Meg
like a hurricane. To you Psych majors, forbidden
fruit is always a temptation. As Rabbi Love puts
it, Its like when Eve coaxed Adam to
take a bite of that juicy-looking apple -- and he
did. Bad decision.
Now think about this for a minute. If Meg
hasnt been happy at home in years, then why
hasnt she left? But you two still promised
each other youd live happily ever after
together. Hold on a second here. Before you go any
further, you gotta tell me what kind of hooch you
been drinking. Freddie, this is unbelievable. And
you know what amazes me most? Youre one of
the sharpest guys on the police force, right? You
can smell a liar 10 miles away, you can expose a
fraud just by looking at him, and you can tell just
from the way a guy walks that hes a dope
dealer. But when it comes to the opposite sex, you
dont have a clue. When Meg rubs up against
you, youre as dumb as a wall and as helpless
as a baby. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
Man, this honey must have some set of wheels
Im sure you were dreaming and planning for
the future, dude. But you didnt realize that
Meg had her own secret agenda that you didnt
know squat about. Dedicating yourself to her
completely was a blunder the size of Iraq. What you
should have said to her was Call me when
youre ready! -- i.e., when you get the
divorce papers finalized. (Which is not to say that
I approve of this whole mess, but Im here to
help guys in spite of their bad choices.)
If you have to do everything for Meg, why
dont you just go out and get her a seeing-eye
dog? Let me get this straight: you spend all your
money buying the store for a woman whos not
yours and who still sleeps with her husband? Is
that what youre telling me here? Do you have
rocks in your head, Freddie?
Do Megs mother and children know that
youre sneaking around with a married woman?
What kind of family is this? Its pathetic;
actually, that you bend over backwards doing
whatever Meg wants except the most important
thing telling her NO.
But after all this effort and strain, she still
hasnt dumped her hubby and run straight into
your arms. Im shocked! I cant believe
it! Hand me theanHUa valium!
Know what, Freddie? Theres no need for Meg
to leave her husband. Heck, why should she?
Shes going to bed with two turkeys! And you
actually believe that as soon as her husband cheats
-- which will be the nineteenth time hes done
it it will give her the impetus to leave.
The other 18 werent quite enough, is that it?
Oh, thats rich. This girls a great
catch! You gotta love this Meg! And you do,
Freddie, you most certainly do.
Id be jealous too if Meg and her turkey
were doing things together. Hey, theyre only
husband and wife! When she promises you that she
wants to get married and have a life with you, does
she do it with a straight face? Or is she pinching
her leg really hard and making it bleed while
shes cooking your whopper?
Sneaking, ducking and dodging might be new
territory for you, but its old hat for her.
As General Love says, Remember, she committed
adultery with a whole platoon of other guys before
she did it with you. If you were only second
to her husband, Id feel lucky if I were
Have you been taken for a ride? Well, Freddie,
let me put it to you this way: youd be a
darned good choice for this years Amtrak
poster child. By all means, give her the extra time
she needs. Tell her to take a hundred, a hundred
and fifty years. Like I always tell you guys, you
dont want to pressure the girl!
Wanna know whats going on here, guy?
Megs playing you for a monkey. And pal, you
never held up your end of your deal because you
cheated on your wife and didnt give her
Remember, guys: until theyre divorced,
Does Tom Brady ever have
Trouble Getting Dates?
I have a major problem in my life that I just
cant seem to overcome. I think that you are
the only person who can give me direction.
Im 21 and havent had a single
girlfriend in my life. In fact, Ive had only
four dates. And believe me, I dont look bad.
Im 62 and athletic, and Im
intelligent (Im an economics major and have a
3.7 GPA). Doc, Ive tried with about a dozen
girls. I succeeded in going out with those four I
mentioned, but eventually all of them lost
The reason why two of them rejected me was
because I tried to kiss them a little
inappropriately. (Thats what they said.) The
last girl I went out with, Diana, was really
stunning. She also had an extremely nice
personality. She was the first girl who agreed to
go out with me a second time. Then I tried to kiss
her, but the only thing that I achieved was to
scare her. She did not agree to go out with me
My failure with Diana made me think deeply about
myself. I reached the following conclusions:
1. My looks arent whats killing me.
One of my dates rejected me for a guy about
64, 130 pounds. She looked even bigger
2. Im introverted and shy. When I approach
a girl I feel anxiety, high blood pressure, and
embarrassment. On one recent date, the girl even
saw and remarked on how my hand was trembling. I
only have this anxiety when Im with women I
have romantic feelings for.
3. Im a negative thinker. When I see a
girl I like, I dont dare ask her out. This is
simply because there is absolutely no reason that
would make me believe that shes going to
accept. If I do approach her, it would be with the
inner attitude that Im going to be rejected.
I realize that this is a wrong way of thinking but
I simply cant force myself to think in a
different way. The feedback that I get from girls
I would be very grateful if you gave your
opinion about my problem.
Dupree - who feels like killing himself
Sure, I can give you all the direction in the
world, but are you going to do what I tell you? Or
are you going to quit because its too hard to
get yourself together? Do you want to stay a loser,
or are you going to make the commitment to do what
it takes to turn yourself into a winner?
First of all, dude, I hate to tell you this, but
lots of guys are in the same boat as you but they
just wont admit it. The reason girls lose
interest in you is because theres something
physically wrong about you that youre leaving
out of your letter, and/or you dont know how
to talk to them.
Its funny that two separate girls used the
same word inappropriate -- about
the way you smooched them. What the heck could you
possibly be doing to them? Id like to go into
this in more detail with you, pal, but this column
Nevertheless, its a great sign that Diana
agreed to go out with you a second time. With
everyone else you only got to the first date and
then you were history. But with Diana you got a
little further. Perchance assuming
shes not a Professional Dater you did
some things right on that first date that got you
to the second. If I were invisible and could have
been beside you I would have seen what you did
right, or else figured out that Diana was a
Professional Dater. And thats where the
importance of memorizing my material comes in
its like having me with you all the
time. And you dont say in your letter whether
you have the Dating Dictionary or not.
You succeeded only in frightening Diana too,
like you did the others, so I have to ask you this
question: when you go to kiss a girl, do you go for
her neck with your fangs out? Do you have long,
stringy hair like Howard Stern after a shower? Guy,
since I cant see your face, what I would do
if I were you would be to find a close friend or
relative and find out whats wrong with your
mug, because first of all we have to get past the
issue of physical attractiveness. And if
theres a problem, then you should undergo
some cosmetic surgery or take other steps to
rectify it. Maybe you look like a male witch or
something like that. (Of course, even weird looks
hasnt hurt guys like Howard Stern when it
comes to women. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
You ever see some of Marilyn Mansons
girlfriends before he went and got married?
Now, lets take a look at the conclusions
you drew about yourself.
We dont know for sure that your looks
arent killing you. As my cousin Sal The
Fish Love says, Hey, maybe you got a
mole on the end of your nose the size of a
turnip. And maybe that guy who was built like
a string bean was a male model with a washboard
stomach and a great face. Dont forget the
immortal words of my cousin General Love:
Remember, when it comes to war, you can never
have enough weapons. Soldier, on the dating
battlefield you can never be good-looking
You should feel embarrassment, anxiety, high
blood pressure and all the rest of it when you hit
on a girl you dont know because youre
going up to a complete stranger. So thats not
abnormal in itself. But if youre introverted
and shy, the first thing you need to do is grow a
personality. You need to take speech classes and
then give talks on my principles. You also need to
go to improv class and learn how to be funny. And
you have to keep improving yourself until you calm
down when talking to people about my material and
making them laugh with my material.
Like I said before, pretty much every guy feels
some sort of anxious discomfort when hes with
a woman he likes. But if its so bad you
cant control your physical reactions and
symptoms, you have to go and see someone whos
got a sheepskin on his wall. If the whole process
is that painful for you, you should go and consult
some type of professional counselor who can help
you. On the other hand I do know this: if you
memorized my book and were able to get up and
lecture on it in front of a hundred people, one or
two women in the audience would think youre
cute and youd be on your way.
Your third point is the saddest of all. Because
do you know what youve done here? Youve
given up hope. To you Psych majors, as long as
youre breathing and you can get to the door
to ring the bell, theres hope. But you have
to change your Attitude. You have to look at the
fact that youre in good health and you live
in the greatest country that ever existed with a
standard of living higher than anywhere else in the
world. Thats what counts.
Finally, you have to stop taking women to heart.
Like Doctor Freud once said, Your entire
existence is wrapped up in whether or not they like
you. Thats nuts!
Thinking that all females are going to reject
you is a half-truth. Sure, the majority is going to
reject you, but the majority of women reject most
guys. But that doesnt mean you cant
try. The feedback from women is negative for most
guys. But the muddy water will clear as soon as you
have the right education, which means you follow my
My friend, Im a coach, not a shrink. In
your case there is the possibility that you have
some deep, deep problems no offense
intended. Some of the things you talk about are
borderline off the deep end. Those kinds of
problems are not my area of expertise. So its
up to you to do what you need to do get yourself
Dupree, unload the gun, put it back in the
drawer, and youll be okay when you get the
proper help and memorize my book.
Remember, guys: the key to women is to not take
Did Ashton Kutcher ever
Complain about Dating Older Women?
Im a 24-year-old man who works as a
personal trainer. I bought and read The
System and I thought all my troubles with
women were over. However, this is far from the
case. In fact, I think that I had more success with
women before I got your book.
Im a good-looking guy, which might be part
of the problem. Do good- looking guys have to do
anything different than the average guy when it
comes to dating? What exactly are the rules when
women make comments on your looks? Not too long ago
a friend was telling me that girls dont like
to have relationships with good-looking guys
because they think the guys are more likely to
cheat on them and that theyre mostly
interested in us for a one-night stand. And in fact
Ive had women approach me very aggressively
at parties and try to take me into a back room.
When I didnt give them what they were after,
they wanted nothing to do with me. Im not a
one-night stand type of guy.
To make matters worse, older women are always
trying to pick me up and I always seem to have
trouble with girls my own age. Another friend
a woman told me that girls my age
find me intimidating. Rarely a day goes
by when one of these desperate
housewives doesnt hint at going out
with me or even makes an overt sexual comment.
Perhaps you could help me with that one?
Heres a specific example of my problems. I
knew Shannon, whos around my age, from the
gym, though I never asked her out. Recently I went
up to her, made small talk, then asked for her
e-mail address. She wrote down her phone number as
well and said, Call me sometime next
I waited six days to call, and when I did she
said, Can you call me back later? Im
about to eat dinner with my family. I said,
This wont take long. Im going to
Dairy Queen on Sunday and would like you to join
me. She said, Im working all
weekend. There was no counteroffer. A few
days later I e-mailed her, saying that she seemed
like a very busy person and asked when a good time
to call her was. I never got a reply. That means
that her Interest Level dropped below 50%. Now
obviously it was above 50% when she gave me her
e-mail and number because she went out of her way
to write them down. What caused her Interest Level
to drop? I hardly said anything!
Doc, Ive followed your techniques as
closely as I know how. Am I doing something wrong
or is there something wrong with these girls?
Alex - whos sick and tired of being
I know youve got my book, but right
theres your problem you bought it and
only read it, and thats not enough. What have
I told you guys again and again? In order for the
principles to sink in, you have to commit it to
memory. You have to log more library time, my
Lets talk about this problem
you have with your looks, and lets think
about youre saying. You start out pretty good
with women, right? And you go out and get another
book that makes you even better with women, right?
But after you read the book, whatever mojo you had
with the babes suddenly drops off. Maybe its
because what you were reading didnt sink in.
Did you ever think about that?
Now lets take a look at your next
statement: Ive got a problem --
Im a good-looking guy. Wow. Every other
guy on the planet would kill to look like George
Clooney or Brad Pitt (personally, Id like to
look like Cary Grant), so how the heck can that be
a problem? Like Doctor Freud says, Son,
youre living in an alternate
Alex, youre good-looking. Out of 100 guys
youre in the top eight. How could you
actually buy my book and maintain that being
good-looking is a drawback? Sure, things are
different for good-looking guys when it comes to
dating. Like the Reality Factor points out,
They talk a lot less because they dont
have to sell themselves as much. Want to know
what you say when women comment on your movie-star
looks? You say thank you very much. You smile.
Youre a gentleman, remember? Be gracious.
So, in your universe girls dont like to
date good-looking guys. Then how is it that
good-looking guys always have girls? Its a
half-truth that women only want you stud-muffins
for one-night stands. And what do I tell you in the
Dating Dictionary? Dont listen to
half-truths. Alex, what book did you buy? I
dont think it was mine.
Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love
says, When they want to take you into a back
room, pal, it proves you dont look like Danny
DeVito. But youre not a one-night-stand
type of guy. Hey, why would you want anyone using
and abusing that beautiful body of yours?
Its true that youre probably a
little intimidating to some girls because
youre so good-looking. It means they know
that other good-looking girls are after you.
Kitty Kats Kompete, remember? Now
Im sure you didnt memorize my book!
When you get a blatant come-on from an old lady,
just quote my cousin Fast Eddie Love: Thanks,
but Id prefer going out with your
Well, its good you didnt ask Shannon
out right off the bat. You were able to figure out
that you were going to see her all the time at the
gym, so you didnt lose your Self-Control,
move in like a battering ram and try to close. But
then your clear thinking crashed.
Alex, why in the world didnt you go for
Shannons home phone number when you finally
made your move? Why did you ask for the e-mail
address? In my book I only tell you 68 times to ask
for the home phone number, and you go and ask for
the e-mail. This is so basic, man. Its like
walking up to a house, expecting to get in, but not
pushing the doorbell! What were you thinking? Were
you thinking at all?
When Shannon ordered you to call her next week,
know what you should have done? Called her in two
weeks to show her you have a backbone. But you
dont, and thats why you didnt.
Thats okay. Ninety percent of your brothers
dont either. Blame it on Oprah.
But hey you waited six whole days to pick
up the phone. Im shocked you held out that
long! When she told you to call back after dinner,
that was Woman Talk for Why dont you
call me back in about 39 years?
But then you hit on the idea for Dairy Queen,
expecting to turn the tide. You were going to take
Shannon to Dairy Queen? Dude, you gotta stop
throwing your money around on these girls! If
youre springing for dates like Dairy Queen,
you better be the owner of the health club!
Guy, the second Shannon told you shed
rather eat than talk to you, you should have gotten
out of there. You made a double fool out of
What you dont get about Shannons
Interest Level was that it plummeted way back when.
Alex, I hate to break this to you, but 40% of the
women who give you their phone numbers have low
Interest Level. Maybe Shannon prefers doctors to
personal trainers. Or maybe that Dairy Queen offer
was just too overwhelming for her to deal with and
she couldnt think of what to wear.
What caused Shannons Interest Level to
drop? I cant believe that you own my book.
You might be able to bench-press 350 pounds, but
when it comes to common sense, you got problems.
Following my techniques the best you know
how is your biggest problem. Sixty-eight guys
ask for the home phone number like I tell them to
in my book, and here you are asking for an e-mail
address. Have you checked your reading
The younger girls arent doing anything
wrong. Theyre doing everything right by
rejecting you. Get into that library every Sunday
for four hours with your yellow marker and start
highlighting and MEMORIZING. The reason youre
having problems with females, dude -- and I
dont care if theyre 18 or 58 -- is
because you havent got my book down cold.
Remember, guys: even if youre as gorgeous
as the Gods can make you, youll still talk
yourself out of the deal if you dont
understand The System.
Would Dennis Rodman ask
Permission to Take Her Out?
Ive read your book and I agree with your
principles. I salute you and Im very grateful
for the knowledge you are imparting to us guys.
Heres my problem. Youve written that
your techniques apply across the globe, but
Im starting to think twice. Im a
college student and live in the Philippines. In
this country we practice traditional Christian
courting. This has been ingrained in us since 1600
A.D. We call this mating dance ligaw.
Women here are half-traditional and half-liberated.
Normally in ligaw the man befriends the
girl first. Its so useless. Worse, its
In this culture we become stooges for the woman,
Doc. We carry her bag and open doors for her. We
offer to escort her home, and as always, we pay for
the transportation. We mingle with her friends and
often eat lunch with them. (Yup, its like a
group date. I know that The System
tells us to isolate the girl from her group so that
we can go one on one, but its different
Then there are the mushy and romantic text
messages that we have to send her to make her feel
we love her. We guys meet their parents early in
this mating dance. Any dates we schedule have to go
through them first, and its their decision
whether we can even take the girl out or not. This
process may take two months and can stretch up to
five months. Tradition is nothing but a waste of
time! And all that time we cant be seen
courting other ladies since that would mean
infidelity. And Doc, news spreads faster here than
At the end of this ordeal, you have to ask her
if she wants to be your girlfriend. You see, Doc,
in our tradition the power of the guys in the
mating dance is given up early.
By contrast, America is an efficient country.
There you can ask the girl up front for her home
phone number and call her for a date. Here, if you
call her and ask for a date, shell decline.
Why? Because if she accepts the date on just a
call, shell be branded a slut. Women here are
expected to be shy and reserved. They dont go
out with men on their own. Thats why group
dates are one of the best shots we guys can take.
We cant even kiss them after a date. A kiss
is totally sacred and we guys are considered
disrespectful if we try to go for that smooch.
Doc, how can I short-circuit this morass of
tradition? I know I cant break it altogether,
but I have to find a way to apply your techniques.
Ive been wracking my brain for days searching
for applications of The System in my
situation. Love Soldier reporting for duty,
Carlos - who feels at a complete
Thanks very much for the compliment. And
dont worry. Were going to work this
thing out. Thats my job. And thats why
you guys contact me from all over the world. And I
really appreciate the time you took to write your
So, your Filipino mating dance goes back over
400 hundred years. Thats not so old, pal.
Look at it this way -- The System goes
all the way back to Adam and Eve. As far as
ligaw is concerned, theres a way
to attack it from within. What youre going to
do is work on the liberated side of these babes
Its okay to befriend the girls youre
interested in, Carlos. Doing that isnt at
cross-purposes to my principles. In a minute
Ill show you how youre going to
Of course tradition is anti-Challenge. But what
youre going to do is deploy Challenge in the
areas that are open to you. You wont be able
to work it quite as much, but youll work it
nevertheless, as much as youre able to. And
since its such a powerful, basic element in
the relations between men and women, giving her a
portion of Challenge still separates you from
everyone else around you, because they wont
be using any Challenge at all.
When you talk about being stooges for women, are
you referring to the guys in the Philippines or the
United States? Like my cousin Sal The
Fish Love says, We got the same
sickness over here, baby. But its all
right to carry bags and open doors for her. The
important thing is whether or not she says
Thank you. Does she gaze into your
eyes? Do they get real big when she sees you? Is
she happy to be near you when you do these little
things for her?
Because if she doesnt, this is the last
time youre carrying her bags or opening the
door or doing anything else for her. If she shows
no gratitude or interest, this girls a-goner
and youre quickly moving on to a new
adventure. What youre doing is testing her by
the standards of The System in your own
culture. In this case, youre measuring her
level of appreciation for you.
Carlos, you should see the girl home.
Youre a gentleman. Youve got to be
gallant. And you should pay her way, too. No matter
where in the world a guy is, he has to show class
at all times. Remember to keep watching those Cary
Grant flicks. And you can find his movies in the
Now, if she has to go out with her friends, you
have to go ahead and work with that. To you Psych
majors, my principles work everywhere, and in every
circumstance. Theyd work in a prison cell.
Theyd work on the moon. Heres how to
employ my techniques: when youre mingling
with her and her friends, you have to gauge how
much time she spends talking to you versus looking
at and talking to other people around the table.
Because if she pays more attention to the others
than she does to you, that means she has low
Interest Level. And thats how well work
around the fact that you cant isolate her at
Dude, you dont have to send any mushy,
romantic text messages. Get that out of your head
right now. After you see her and she shows you
strong buying signals, just send her an e-mail and
say Thank you for the very nice time. I hope
you had the same. Hopefully shell get
back to you with Of course I did! When are we
getting together again? And youll say,
Talk to your friends and well all do it
again. The point is that youre not
afraid of anything, and you can handle whatever
comes your way. The only thing that youre not
going to put up with is low Interest Level.
Youre going to have to deal with moms and
pops, Carlos. I want you to meet them because if
you dont, theyre potential blockers. So
if you have to go through them to get to her,
youll do just that. If you cant duck
them, youll have to meet them head on, and
the sooner the better. Because in your country, her
parents are just the first obstacles in the dating
Dont invest all those months waiting the
girl out, though. Youve got to move it along
faster, pal. And youre going to do that by
reading her Interest Level, like I said before. If
she doesnt show a significant amount of
interest, shes going to be history by the
second date. And like I said, check out the
attention she pays you when shes with her
Youre concerned about being seen with
other women? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
Youre not sneaky enough, man,
thats your problem. Youve got to
be a little bit of an operator so you dont
end up wasting your time with only one who might
turn out to be a dud. If I gave you a million bucks
to meet a honey on the other side of town, could
you do it?
On the other hand, maybe you live in a small
town, in which case your caution is understandable.
All the more reason for going through these girls
faster than water through a garden hose. If you
tell her you want to meet your parents and she says
you cant, its Nice talking to you
Buddy, youre NEVER going to ask her if she
wants to be your girl. Shes going to have to
bring it up to YOU. Youll only ask her that
question after she suggests it. Begging is counter
Youre not going to ask her out by phone.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, We
wouldnt want her getting a bad reputation,
would we? Like I said, ask instead if you can
meet mom and dad. And dont go for the smooch.
That will come later, once shes hooked.
Guys, when youre hamstrung by strict
tradition, youre going to have to be
extra-shrewd. Wherever theres any wiggle room
at all, use Challenge. But Carlos, you should have
figured this out early on. You havent got my
book memorized. Go back and read it 10 times.
Remember, guys: like Ive said so many
times before, The System cuts across
all cultural boundaries.
Would 50 Cent give Her a Second Change to
Im looking for some advice regarding
whether or not I should give a woman a second
chance to make a first impression after I was stood
up on our very first date.
I met Pamela on Match.com. When I told (not
asked) her that she should join me on Thursday
evening at a local brewery and then come along to
see a new exhibit at an art gallery, she said she
loved the idea and the direct approach I used with
her to set precise plans. (All of this was
accomplished via e-mail; I was waiting to meet
Pamela face to face before asking for her home
A couple of days later Pamela learned that
shed landed a prime apartment and would need
to begin packing for the move to her new place. She
asked if we could change our date to a week later,
and I agreed to her counteroffer.
To make a long story short, she was a no-show
for the make-up date. I e-mailed her the next
morning, told her how disappointed I was and that I
was looking for a woman who demonstrates Integrity
when it comes to keeping her commitments. A woman
who truly possesses class and consideration would
have either kept our commitment to meet, or let me
know she wasnt interested.
Heres what she wrote back: Oh my
god, I am so incredibly sorry! You know I just
moved and everything is scattered this week. I have
never stood up a human being in my entire life and
would never intentionally do so. I cannot apologize
enough, or stress enough how sincere my regrets
are. If you can forgive me, Id love to make
it up to you.
Doc, intuitively, Im done with this woman.
Here are some key reasons why: 1) There is no
specific reason given for her oversight, other than
to say, everything is scattered this
week. 2) Im assuming Pamela has an
electronic paper trail of our communiqués
sitting in her inbox that could easily act as a set
of reminders for our date. 3) Pamela says
shed love to make it up to me,
but makes no commitment towards specifics or how
she plans to do so. Wouldnt a woman of true
class and consideration put some effort into
helping me forgive her via a new set of date plans?
4) As you say, a woman with a high Interest Level
doesnt forget a date with a man shes
keenly interested in meeting, right?
Doc, do I give Pamela a second chance?
Anderson - who would rather not get burned
Let me ask you a question. Was the city working
on sewers the day you got stood up by Pamela? Maybe
they forgot to put up a MEN AT WORK sign and the
poor girl fell into an open manhole, thereby
rendering her unable to make your date. Right. But
the odds of that happening were better than a girl
with high Interest Level breaking a date.
When Pamela paid you a compliment on your
date-planning ability, it was a red flag if I ever
saw one. As the old saying goes, Beware of
Greeks bearing gifts. Some women will
compliment you when they have low Interest Level.
Its a purely off-the-cuff remark that has no
basis in reality. Like my cousin Sal The
Fish Love says, Shes softening
you up for what shes going to pull on you
Going for her phone number when you were face to
face with Pamela was certainly the right idea,
except that you missed one crucial step, my friend.
You were supposed to do Starbucks with her first
before dragging her out to paint the town.
Anderson, you had no time in with this girl. Not
even one second. You didnt meet her at a
business convention and talk to her for 45 minutes
over coffee, or go out to lunch with her before
asking for the home phone number. You had nothing.
Like my cousin General Love says, You
committed the fatal error of counting your chickens
before they hatched.
Now think about what happened next. Pamela would
rather pack dusty old books in boxes than be with a
man shes supposedly going to be in love with.
Shed rather wrap up her kitchen utensils than
spend time with the man she would want to be the
father of her kids.
So now this girl has stood you up a second time.
Lets set our egos aside if we can and ask
ourselves a question. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love
puts it, Would a nice girl with high Interest
Level screw me over twice?
After that humiliation you needed to lash out,
and so you jumped all over Pamela with your
disappointment over her lack of Integrity.
Anderson, if this girl had high Interest Level, it
would have been okay to do that because it would
have hurt her and she would then have had to think
about changing her behavior. But this girl had
already written you off. In fact, since you never
went out with her, you werent even in a
position to get written off! You were actually
written off the second she said Sure,
Ill meet you at the brewery!
Theres absolutely no evidence whatsoever that
Pamela ever once said to herself, You know
what, I cant wait to meet this guy!
Instead of telling her what you wanted in a woman,
youd have been better off taking a picture
down and talking to the wall.
Its true that a woman of class would have
kept her commitment to meet you, but youre
wrong about the second part. A woman is the
unlikeliest creature in the world to come right out
and tell you the truth: that she has no interest at
all in going out with you. Even if Pamela had a big
mess on her hands with this move, if she had one
iota of real interest in you she would have been
thinking to herself, Boy, I cant wait
until Thursday night to get together with
Then she wrote you that heartfelt e-mail
apologizing for her misdeeds. But sadly,
thats where the Womanese comes in. When she
protested that she never stood up a human
being in her entire life, what she really
meant was this week!
Heres what Pamela was supposed to have
said to end this debacle: Anderson, Ill
tell you what. Heres my address. Heres
my cell, business and home phone numbers. I want
you to come over to my apartment a week from
Wednesday. You tell me what kind of dinner you like
most and Ill cook it for you because I want
to prove to you that Im not the kind of girl
who breaks dates. But she didnt.
Now, on to your reasons for deleting her e-mail
address from your computer forever.
On number 1, youre dead on.
Everything is scattered is not a
specific enough excuse. Im impressed with
your reasoning here, Anderson.
Youre a little off-base on number 2, the
electronic paper trail. I get so much e-mail that I
have no choice but to get rid of it. Maybe
thats what Pamela did.
On number 3, you hit it right on the nose, baby.
Bingo. Pamela should have come back with a solid
plan to make up for dissing you not once, but
twice. Right there you get an A. But heres
the thing. A woman of class and consideration would
have kept the first date. You just found out a
little later rather than sooner that you got all
wound up over nothing.
On number 4, youre really way off base.
How could Pamela have high Interest Level in you?
You didnt pass the Physical Attraction Test,
Anderson. She only saw your photo on Match.com. And
we all know how pictures can lie.
Should you give Pamela a second chance? Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, Boy, do you know how
many guys she does this to? Theres your
answer. You figure it out.
Remember, guys: until you have a few dates under
your belt, youre not even in the game.
Does Steve Martin use a
Form Letter when Online Dating?
Thanks for your years of great service to men. I
am an adherent of your principles, which you so
humorously and effectively explain in your weekly
column. Now Ive become addicted to your radio
show, too. What are the chances that youll
become syndicated? Let me tell you, I think that we
can all do with a dose of your advice!
Ive been thinking about starting to use
Match.com to meet women. It seems that these days
the bar and club scene is dead, and instead
everybody is online getting dates. I dont
know if its an effective way of meeting
people, but it seems to be worth the shot since
thats where the game is, right?
So heres my question: do you have any
suggestions for what to say when contacting a woman
on Match.com? In fact, can you give us guys a
blueprint for how to do it? In other words, what do
you say in your intro, the next paragraph and the
next paragraph, how do you wrap it up, etc.
Im okay when I meet a woman face to face, but
frankly, Im not exactly sure how to deal with
her when you cant see her. It seems to put a
guy at a disadvantage.
Heres something else: the womens
screen names are usually not their real names. Is
it a good idea to go after their real names right
off or let that come later when a beachhead has
Also, are there any signs to look for when
exchanging e-mails with Match.com women? Now that I
think of it, the question I guess Im really
asking is how can you gauge a womans Interest
Level across the computer? Dont you really
have to be in a females presence to
accurately assess it?
Im asking you this now before I actually
take the plunge. Like you always say, its
better to be completely prepared before going out
on the battlefield.
Thanks, Doc. Looking forward to your
Jared - who feels awkward at the computer
I really appreciate what you said about me, and
thank you for being so supportive. But I want you
to do me an enormous favor. Its extremely
important that you set my book by your bed and read
it every night. And remember to do it for the rest
of your life, even after 35 years of marriage.
Its the most airtight safeguard you can give
yourself when it comes to dealing with women, and
its principles are eternal.
But lets get back to meeting her.
Heres the truth about the bar and club
scene: its not the greatest place to meet
women. Its too dark, theres too much
smoke, too much booze flowing, and thats when
people have a tendency to tell lies. If you go out
to a club, you want to be there with your buddies,
having fun talking about the old days, boxing,
business, and, of course, women. But if you happen
to see somebody you dig in a bar or club, you have
to ask her to dance. But dont go there hoping
to pick up Miss Right. The odds arent
Jared, online IS where the dating game is these
days, make no mistake about it, and in front of the
terminal screen is where you have to be. Even my
Uncle Jethro Love says Boy, yous dead
in the water with the girls without your
Macintosh! But before you log on, you have to
be prepared and you have to have a very strict game
And the aim of plan is to get the girl through
the door of Starbucks. There you are at home, pal,
with just your laptop and no girlfriend, and your
goal is to eventually say: Caprice, very nice
to meet you! Have a seat.
When she arrives, you buy her a mocha valencia
and you talk for 45 minutes. Afterwards you walk
her out to her car and she says, Wow, Jared,
I had a nice time! Please give me a call and
well get together again. Then she hugs
you, gets into her car and drives away. Guys, if
were going to sell ourselves, we have to get
the buyer in front of us for 45 minutes at
So heres what you say when youre at
the keyboard. Since the ladies always ask what
youre looking for, youre going to tell
them, Im looking for a Self-Reliant,
Flexible Giver who will laugh at my corny jokes.
Lets meet at Starbucks and see if I can make
you giggle. Theres your icebreaker.
You want a blueprint? A piece of cake. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, The point is to
make em laugh and tell em
nothin. If you get a positive response
on Match.com a wink toss into your
e-mail that youre a busy guy and that you
have tons of fun on the weekends. In your second
paragraph, keep on keeping it light. Does she like
to dance? Does she like to travel to Vegas or New
York? What babe doesnt like to dance or go
places? Then ask her about Match.com to remind her
that you dont want to just be her e-mail
Jared, youre afraid of the wrong things.
The fact is that its a lot easier to deal
with a woman when you cant see her.
Youre most definitely not at a disadvantage,
because on the Internet you can check out up to 200
pictures within a half-hour. Then you pare it down
to 45 or so, and out of that 45 you give the best
ones a wink. Youre going to dance back and
forth with a few e-mails, then you go for the home
And shes going to say (hopefully)
Here it is, or Ill give it
to you when we meet. Then you have to get her
to show up for her coffee. Make sure you give her
the Starbucks telephone number and detailed
directions and that the place has plenty of parking
because a lot of these girls wont show if
they have the slightest excuse.
As far as her onscreen name goes, if she wants
to call herself Anita The Hun,
thats her right. Youll get her real
name if shes really interested.
So to sum it up, break the ice, exchange your
e-mails, then ask for the home phone number and a
45-minute date at Starbucks. Of course you
cant completely gauge a womans Interest
Level across the computer, but to you Psych majors,
the more detailed her responses are to your
e-mails, the easier she makes it for you to contact
her in person, and the more questions she asks you,
you can bet her Interest Level is clinically
Remember, some women will meet a guy for coffee.
When she walks in the door, youll witness her
female presence in the flesh. Then youll sit
down with her for a chat, and itll be easy to
assess whether she likes you or thinks youre
the worst thing since Osama Bin Laden.
When it comes to being completely prepared
before going onto the battlefield, like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, Amen,
Remember, guys: if you dont go packing,
you cant go off to war.
How did Joe Piscopo
Maneuver around his Wife's Parents?
Ive been reading you for quite a while now
(two to three years), but only lately started to
realize that The System contains no
false or optional statements. It really has helped
me not only understand relationships, but also
develop a backbone for business.
On with my situation. I met Allegra over the
internet. It was a quick chat (no photos), she left
me her number, and I called after seven days and
asked for a date. She accepted, and the first date
went really well. I stood by your principles,
looked her in the eyes at all times (the fact that
shes Beautiful helped) and guided her into
talking about herself. I watched her Interest Level
slowly rise. She started touching me, looked back
into my eyes and asked me questions. I walked her
home and didnt kiss her.
After five days, I called and ask her for
another date, during the week, of course. She
accepted, but showed up with a girlfriend. After 10
minutes, a boyfriend joined the date.
After another 10 minutes I excused myself and left.
The strange thing was that while I was there,
Allegra gave me a lot of signals, including
mentioning to her girlfriend that shes single
and wants to change that.
Two days later I got a phone message from
Allegra in which she said she felt sorry that the
date didnt go as planned. After three days I
called and asked for a date, not mentioning what
happened. She refused the suggested date but
quickly counter-offered with a date for a stage
Halfway through the date I leaned over and
kissed her. She kissed me back. I gauged her
Interest Level to be over 80%, just how you taught
me to. So I feel that I righted the ship after that
disastrous second date.
The problem, Doc, is that her parents have some
strict rules. Shes 19 and a student. Im
22, also a student and working. She has to be home
before seven oclock and I barely get out of
work by nine oclock. This makes dating during
weekdays impossible. I actually had to skip a
conference call to meet her today, but she
doesnt know this.
Doc, Allegra has Integrity (she never seems to
have lied to me), Flexibility (we get along fine
and she has a nice Attitude), and Giving. For
instance, she smokes and I dont. She asked me
if kissing a girl who just smoked is unpleasant for
me. I said yes and she immediately put the
cigarette back in the pack.
This girl really has potential, but Im
just not able to cope with the weekdays-only dating
rule. Perhaps meeting her parents would help. Any
Ira - who feels hampered by the techniques that
For eight years I taught seminars in Los
Angeles. Lots of guys who own their own businesses
have called me back over the years to tell me how
well the principles of The System carry
over into their business and professional lives.
But I dont think its just a matter of
carrying over. I believe that a
universal truth is involved in my techniques, and
thats why they work.
Now let me just get this straight. You and
Allegra didnt even see photos of each other
and you got together for a date? She didnt
even know what you looked like and here she was
giving you her number? Wasnt that all a
little too fast? Wasnt that a little
dangerous, with all the wackos running around out
there? Didnt Allegra ever hear of Ted
That aside, I have to say that you acted
perfectly on your first date. So far you get an A.
And if Allegras as much of a knockout as you
say she is, it doesnt surprise me in the
least that she warmed to the task of talking about
herself. When it comes to the Beautiful Woman,
its always all about her, isnt it? And
thats your problem in a nutshell, but
well get into that in a second.
Then she showed up on your second date with a
girlfriend. Uh-oh. Huge problem. Massive problem.
The first thing that occurs to me is that this
girls a control freak. But hey, maybe she
just wanted to have her girlfriend along for the
ride. So what the heck you dont mind,
right, Ira? Allegras 19, shes got long,
gorgeous legs like Elle MacPherson, bee-stung lips
like Angelina Jolie, and a butt like J-Lo and she
doesnt need makeup. In other words,
shes a total fox. So whats the problem
with bringing her friend along? Why doesnt
she have a perfect right to change the rules of the
date? Why not throw you a wicked curveball?
Youll be back, right, Ira? Every other guy
has been, ever since she was 12.
But, you protest, she sent you some vague
signals on that wonderful date. Let me
ask you something: why are you and most of the
other men out there just dying to kiss and make up
with these hotties -- and after she slights you,
puts you down, changes the rules of the date? Like
Doctor Freud once said, When it comes to
Beauty, oh, how men love to be tortured!
To you Psych majors, when she acts like this,
its a MAJOR red flag not a tiny red
flag. This girl was inconsiderate. She has no
manners. She has no breeding. But like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, Other than that,
Ira, you cant really mean you actually
called this little hussy three days after she
dissed you. With the way she insulted you, it
should have been two weeks -- if ever! (But
youre not strong enough for that.) And when
you talked to her, you should have mentioned what
happened on your second date. Know what you should
have asked Allegra? By the way, how many more
people are going to show up on our next date? Are
you bringing your grandma along too this
But apparently that wasnt enough wimping
around for you. You leaned over and kissed her in
the middle of the show. Mistake! This girls
on serious probation and here youre fawning
and slobbering over her in a theater?
But her Interest Level according to you
-- is over 80%. Sure it is, pal. So why is she
hauling all of her friends along on your dates? You
guys kill me. To you Psych majors (again), when a
girl pulls a stunt like that, her Interest Level is
more like 51%. Are you sure you read my book?
Why are you talking about setting things right
with Allegra? Your second date was a disaster
because SHE threw YOU a slider. You didnt do
anything wrong she did!
Guy, Allegras parents have nothing to do
with any of this. Theyre eighteenth on the
list of whats wrong. Youre giving
Allegra a pass on the first 17. Shes your
problem, Ira, not ma and pa.
Heres what you do. If you insistent on
letting Allegra toy with your head, take her out in
the afternoon on your days off. Ask her out for
noon and have her home by 5:30. Better yet, try the
morning. If you do that, maybe all her friends will
be in class and wont be able to join you.
How can you say Allegra has even an ounce of
Integrity? She broke the rules of the dating
contract! When a girl accepts a date with a guy,
unless she clears it with him first, she
doesnt bring anybody else along. Its a
hard and fast rule. Flexible? Hell, no. Shes
as structured as a brick wall. Giving? I dont
think so. Shes so selfish, she brings all her
buddies on your dates. Shes a real Giver, all
right. Maybe by giving, you mean
shes giving you a hard time.
Oh, but then theres her incredible
consideration in not lighting up once when you were
with her. But she didnt give smoking up, did
she? Sure shes got potential
shes got the potential for developing lung
cancer when shes 59 from smoking two packs a
day for 40 years. What does this girl have to do,
Ira, burn your house down before you get the
It never ceases to amaze me how you guys will
rationalize for a hot babe. When you like a woman,
especially when shes 19 and a looker,
its incredible what youll overlook,
what she can get away with. It stupefies me. Like
my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
It aint no wonder you got troubles with
Finally, what have I told you guys again and
again about dating 18 to 22-year-olds? Look at the
stuff this ones pulling. At that age
theyre ditzy. They fall in and out of love
every five minutes.
Remember, guys: if you employ my techniques
correctly, youll never feel hampered.
Does J-Lo ever Feel like the
I always read your articles and like the way you
tell it. I have a unique problem and cant
find a similar situation among my friends or in
your literature. I went through a very hard time
with my marriage, and stuck out 10 years before
realizing it was going to kill me if I stayed. I am
a doctor, and have never considered having an
affair. At the end of my marriage I became good
friends with a nurse, Mona, who was also getting a
divorce. We were supportive of each other, and
agreed to keep it on a platonic level. But when I
made the decision to proceed with my divorce, she
confessed she loved me, and I also had to admit I
had very strong feelings toward her, and we looked
forward to the day when we could have a romantic
During the final stages of the divorce, we began
dating and did some couple-type behavior --
hugging, kissing, and holding hands. Then, all of a
sudden, she stopped returning calls. The few times
I was able to talk to her she was vague and distant
and finally said that she wanted space. She let me
know that she felt like she was the other
woman and that she didnt want to feel
that my divorce was because of her. I know that
this was very distressing to her because her
husband had cheated on her constantly, and for her
to feel the stigma of being the other woman really
I did what most men mistakenly do -- gave
presents, begged her to talk, sent her long love
letters. I even fooled myself into thinking that
she just wanted to keep a distance until the ink
was dry on the divorce papers.
But then I found out that she started seeing
someone else. She claimed she still loved me,
though. Initially I reacted with anger, but after
several days I cooled down enough to let her know
that we had meant a lot to each other and if she
wanted to try and salvage our friendship I would be
willing to talk to her.
I didnt hear from her for two months, and
since I needed some sort of closure I e-mailed her
to tell her to stay away from me and not contact me
anymore. Well, she answered me, and we started
talking again and then became friends again.
We talk on the phone for a couple hours every
day now, and when were together we hold hands
and cuddle. She will not kiss or have any intimacy
beyond this and still says that she only wants
friendship. I am getting very mixed signals, and
have never heard of a woman doing these things but
only wanting to be friends. Shes not
interested in seeing anyone else, and I am the only
man in her life right now.
Doc, I dont know whether to hang in and
hope that things will change or take the approach
of acting disinterested to see if this will perk up
her Interest Level and make her realize that I am a
I really love this woman, but dont like
what I have now and am very frustrated. I certainly
dont want to ruin any chance of a
relationship with Mona if I can help it. I know
that as of right now I do not have that
relationship, but Mona is clearly showing interest
and getting something from the coziness we have
now. I am very confused and feel powerless. Your
advice would be helpful.
Drew - who needs to break the impasse
First of all, I want to commend you for staying
in your marriage for as long as you did. When it
was all over you wanted to say, I was going
for forever like I promised at the
altar. I did my best to make the long haul, and I
didnt just say I do to fool
around with this girl for 10 years. But like
my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Some women can kill you without a
When you hooked up with Mona, you should have
realized right off the bat that you were dealing
with two people who were seriously on the rebound
and not really available. It was like throwing
Jennifer Aniston together with Kenny Chesney. In
other words, you had all the ingredients for
disaster. What the heck were you thinking, man?
Why were you getting all heavy with a woman who
was still married? I tell you guys not to talk
serious when theyre available. Monas
still legally hitched and youre blabbing
about the future? You should have been putting on a
clown show, not a psychology today
seminar. You would been better off disappearing
instead of yakking about how youre going to
get re-hitched the minute youre free of your
But you went ahead and engaged in
couple-type behavior anyway. Like 90%
of the men out there, you had to go rushing in like
a bull in a china shop. The problem is that you,
like everybody else, think only in the short term.
Nobody thinks long term. And thats what
The System is all about.
Mona stopped returning your calls? Drew,
Im positively shocked! Women never do that!
Theyre not known for inconsistent behavior!
We got one for the Guinness Book of Records here!
Are you sure this really happened?
She was vague and distant and wanted her space?
Boy, you got all the luck. You just got rid of one
hellcat, and the second ones beating up on
you before youre even out of the cage. One
drove you nuts, and you already have another one
trying to do the same thing. Any normal human being
would throw in the towel.
So, Mona doesnt want to feel like the
other woman, huh? Like Ive told you guys
before, they always give you the SECOND reason why
theyre cutting you loose. Remember when the
born-again Christian Jane Fonda said, I
cant live with an atheist when she
split with Mister Moneybags Ted Turner?
Ill bet you anything she wasnt so
religious when she had 99% Interest Level in old
Know whats great about most women? They
love to concoct a darned good back-up story instead
of the real deal. They always come up with
wonderful, inventive whoppers that dont have
anything to do with you.
Drew, if you knew that giving presents and
sending mushy letters was wrong, why in the world
did you do it? That was your fault. It was
Monas fault that she didnt tell you she
was waiting for the ink to dry on your divorce
papers. What does that say about her?
Now, can you believe Mona started seeing someone
else? I cant. Again, Im totally
shocked. But Drew, seriously, how much more of a
beating do you have to take, how much more screwing
around with your head do you have to endure, how
many more lies do you have to hear before you get
past your ego and see reality?
But, you insist -- despite all evidence to the
contrary that Mona still loves you. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, Dude,
shes lying through her teeth. The sad
part is that you want to believe her. And
youre a doctor? I hope I never find myself in
your emergency room -- Ill probably end up
with a scalpel in my stomach when I come out of the
Why are you checking in with this woman?
Youre married, shes married, and
shes seeing another man. When you were
talking to her on the phone, were you on your knees
or were you just lying on your stomach?
You werent really after closure, Drew.
Closure is when you walk away and never look back.
But at least you grew a teeny bit of a backbone
until you and Mona became friends again.
What you really mean is that you caved in, you
Now you two are chatting on the phone a couple
of hours every day. Is that all? Gee, you should
talk longer than that. You know why Mona
doesnt want more intimacy with you? Because
she has to save it for her other boyfriend.
Actually, you should ask her if she still kisses
her husband. So there it is, buddy after all
your groveling and begging shes kissing two
other guys and not you. Thats just great.
Mona doesnt want friendship either. You
know what she really wants? She wants a divorce and
she wants to be wrapped in her new boyfriends
arms. This woman is a user and a drama queen. Gosh,
Drew, did you actually believe her when she said
she didnt want to see anyone else? And that
youre the only man in her life? What about
her boyfriend and her husband? That sure sounds
like a couple of others to me. And like my Uncle
Jethro Love would say, She just keeps you
around because you dont give her no
What do I think you should do now? I think you
should throw more gold on the sinking ship. As Bill
OReilly says, You been drinking too
Ruining a relationship between the two of you is
not even a possibility because Monas Interest
Level is south of 50%. The reason she returned your
call after two months is because she probably had a
little argument with her boyfriend or maybe she
But its your own fault that youre in
this fix. Guys, until you have the paperwork in
your hands, you shouldnt go starting
You call holding hands coziness?
Not! Coziness is kissing, and youre not doing
that. I hold hands with my grandmother.
Remember, guys: if you dont memorize my
System, you are doomed to repeat your
©2006, DocLove Dot
Other Relationship Issues,
* * *
I present myself to you in a form suitable to the
relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi
Doc Love is
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