Would Derek Jeter care if
Jessica Biel Cheated?
Im new to your columns, but Ive
found that they are full of wonderful information
and advice. Congratulations on the great work.
Ill cut directly to the chase. I have been
with my girlfriend, Sydney, for about four years
now. Shes very attractive, so I must have
done something right to have her for so long. But
recently Sydney confessed to me that she made out
with a couple of other men while she was with me.
She told me she could hold it in no longer, and I
needed to know about this if our relationship was
going to last and be about honesty.
Needless to say I was a little less than
thrilled. I didn't talk to Sydney for a few days,
but after a conversation with her mother, in which
she told me that her daughter believes she made the
biggest mistake of her life by telling me this
garbage, I sat down and took a long, hard look at
all of my options.
I came to the conclusion that my one real option
is dumping Sydney and going after other women. That
was my brain talking. My gut said otherwise. My gut
has never let me down, and my gut tells me that
Sydney is the girl I want.
Doc, I forgave Sydney and we are working on
trying to build a stronger relationship out of
this. But heres the problem. The amount of
time we talk has diminished. I also feel that
Sydneys Interest Level has dropped,
I understand the concept of Challenge, but how
do you remain a Challenge without making the woman
feel as if you do not have an interest in her? I
feel that with Sydney backing off, I have to make
sure that she knows that I still love her, and the
only way to do that is to pursue her.
Id really appreciate any help you could
West - who feels like hes losing
First of all, thanks for the compliment.
Its my job to coach men to see Reality, and
thats what Im going to do for you.
Now, on to your problem with the beautiful
Sydney. Its a half-truth that you did
something right to keep her for so long. You might
have boosted this girls Interest Level to 95%
in the first three months or your relationship, and
then for the next three and a half years it
languished at 40% to 49% and she just hasnt
decided how to leave and shes been mentally
gone all that time. Or you could have been with her
for three and half years and her Interest Level was
95% all that time but for the last six months
youve been doing everything wrong.
But no matter how it went down, now youre
in trouble, and thats all that matters.
So, Sydneys been making out with other men
on the sly. Like my cousin Sal The Fish
Love says, Are you sure it was only two men
she was kissing?
Now think about this confession
logically -- and Im talking to all you women
out there as well. Does this kind of thing raise
Interest Level? Does this make the guy like you
more? Can he forgive you your sins? (And no,
hes not a Catholic priest, so he cant
Forget honesty. Sydney should have
kept her mouth shut, never cheated again and hoped
to God you never found out about it. That is, West,
if you didnt have her mixed up with someone
who cared. Because blabbing about her infidelities
actually indicates the opposite. But since you did
find out about it straight from the horses
mouth, Destiny is going to take a little turn
This isnt about honesty at all, West.
Its about openness. I want you to be honest,
but not open. The same goes for Sydney.
You didnt talk to Sydney for a few days?
How about not talking to her for a few years? And
what are you doing yakking to her mom about your
troubles? Or like my cousin General Love says,
Why are you going to the enemys
West, the reason Sydney made out with these
other guys is because she has low Interest Level --
in you. To you Psych majors, believe it or not,
girls with high Interest Level dont want to
make out with other guys. I know thats a hard
nut to swallow, but it happens to be the truth.
So after getting your head bashed in, you went
off and considered your options. You dont
have any options here, West. The only option you
have is Adios, baby! And its not
really an option, because an option implies two or
But you did arrive at that very conclusion on
your own you have to dump Sydney.
Congratulations! Perfect! You hit it right on the
head. But you have it backwards, pal about what led
you to that solution. Like the great Doctor Freud
once said, That wasnt your brain
talking -- that was your Intuition
Youre right your gut has never let
you down, but your gut is telling you right now
that this isnt a good deal, but due to your
sky-high Interest Level, youre want to
believe its one thing when its really
another. Your gut is telling you that Sydney should
have DANGER! tattooed on her forehead.
Then maybe the truth would sink in.
But what did you do? You went and forgave her
instead. Very disappointing, my friend. Worse, you
two want to work on a better
relationship. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, What is she doing, taking Loyalty and
The problem isnt that youre talking
to Sydney less, Westie. Youre the problem
here. Because you were too available and you put
this girl on a pedestal and she got bored. Women
with Interest Levels in the 90s are never bored for
some reason. Why is that? But when Interest Level
is 55% youre on very shaky ground. And here
youre talking about what a great writer I am
and all the wonderful stuff Ive given you and
its gone in one eyeball and out the
Finally, you tell me that Sydneys Interest
Level has dropped inexplicably. What is that,
Russian for two other guys?
You have no clue about the concept of Challenge,
dude. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. You never were a
Challenge, West. The whole idea is to make her
think you have no interest in her.
What youre trying to say here is that
Sydneys going to fall in love with your high
Interest Level. But what she really doesnt
like is that youre the opposite of a
Challenge. Are you sure you read my columns?
Guys, when youre out, you have to back
off. Otherwise youre nothing but a chump. Or
Remember, guys: when youre losing ground,
you have to disappear.
How does 50 Cent Deal with
Just recently I started reading your column and
have found it fascinating. I wonder if you could
give me some feedback on a problem Im
I was at a party a week ago at my buddys
apartment. It was a blast at first. The people
there, especially the girls, were really fun, and I
thought I got a few interested in me. Soon after
midnight, though, a lot of other guys showed up. I
was trying to get a few phone numbers since it was
late, but these latecomers swarmed over whatever
girl I chose to concentrate on. They were obviously
trying to grab and dominate their attention.
One girl, Deirdre, seemed like she wanted to
continue talking to me, but the new guys were so
annoying that she became hesitant and
uncomfortable. She was clearly trying to block
these guys out so that she could talk to me, but
that attempt was pretty much futile.
I looked at my options: A) I could be upfront
with these other dudes and tell them that I was
having a conversation and to stop interrupting. B)
I could give in to my frustration by starting a
fight or just leaving. C) I could forget the whole
thing and hang out with my friends until later that
night when the party thinned out a bit.
I knew that talking to these guys wouldnt
help because it rarely does in a drunken college
affair, and I wouldve appeared weak to this
girl if I demanded they back off in vain. I
didnt want to try and lead this girl away
because in that environment girls can be suspicious
of your motives. After being hounded by these guys,
Deirdre left with her friends.
Ultimately I did leave in frustration, and I
know that if I had stayed with Deirdre I
couldve gotten her number, but I have a
really hard time dealing with Blockers. And it
seems like they are everywhere, even among my own
friends. What am I supposed to say or do to get
pushy, attention-grabbing guys to give me some
Silva - who hates to give ground
You know why my column is so fascinating?
Because I dont sound like any of the other
love doctors out there. Have you guys ever noticed
Now, you mean to tell me you waited until after
midnight to go hunting for home phone numbers? Man,
you should have closed these girls when they were
still laughing. Or like my cousin Sal The
Fish Love says, You should have been
taking numbers when they were still
Pal, you spent way too much time with these
girls before thinking about going after their phone
numbers. Once you get anywhere from five to 15
minutes in with a girl and you have her giggling,
youre asking for her home phone number. You
cant be rapping to them and making them laugh
at 9 oclock and then waiting until dawn to
take action. To you Psych majors, when you spend
too much time with a girl before going for the
phone number, Murphys Law is going to kick in
THINGS WILL GO WRONG. Guaranteed.
And it was already too late when the football
team showed up bombed at the party. Thats why
you should have done it much earlier. Heck, if you
had just handed Dierdre your business card and a
pen and yelled HOME PHONE NUMBER! into
her face, I dont care how many guys were
swarming over her, she would have handed it right
over if she had any interest in you at all. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, Hey, they
werent pinning her arms behind her back, were
Guy, you have to pretend like your life depends
on getting those 10 digits. Or like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love says, If you dont ask for
the home phone number, why did you go to the
Now lets look at your three options.
Telling the boys from Animal House to stop
interrupting wasnt going to work they
were rowdy and hammered. Starting a fight or
storming out in a hissy fit would have made you
even more of a loser than you ended up. Likewise
for waiting around until the crowd thinned
by the time the party petered out, all the girls
would have gone home, exhausted or chased off by
the drunken frat rats.
But Silva, you wouldnt have appeared weak
if you told those jerks to back off. Like my cousin
Sal The Fish Love says, Hey, lots
of girls dig macho guys. Why do you think George
Clooney has to beat them off with a
Dude, girls arent going to be suspicious
of your motives if they have high Interest Level.
They wont care what your motives are. Like
the great Doctor Freud said, My son, look at
how many of them go off with Dennis
Silva, you should have grabbed Deirdre by the
hand, took her straight outside the apartment door
and said Whats your home phone
number? Or pulled her into the bathroom,
locked the door, and let the Blockers in their
drunken stupor try and beat the door down as
youre getting a number while sitting on the
But instead, Deirdre left with her friends and
you never CLOSED. The most important chapter in the
Dating Dictionary is Closing the Deal.
Looks like you didnt read that one,
So you count Blockers among even your own close
.Hear that, guys? Like my cousin
General Love says, When it comes to girls,
you cant even trust the man next to you in
In the end, the only guy who has your best
interests in mind is me.
What you have to do is this: CHANGE THE
ENVIRONMENT. If you want to get her phone number
and youre surrounded by the enemy, you grab
her hand and you pull. If she has high Interest
Level, shell follow you. If she doesnt,
shes going to slip out of your hands like she
Remember, guys: if youre not going to ask
for the home phone number, why are you talking to
Does David Lee Roth ever
tell a Babe He's Out of Work?
First of all, let me say that your writings have
been a great source of advice and inspiration for
Now on to my story. I am 32 years old and have
been living in my apartment for some time. Last
year, this incredibly hot girl, Farrah, moved in
four floors above me. We ran into one another a
couple of times on the stairs, but never really
said more than the occasional Hi, how are you
Just recently, we started running into each
other a little more frequently for some reason, and
whenever we did, I managed to start up a
conversation. One day Farrah even asked me to fix
her car when I told her that I love working on my
94 Chevy. I did, and it was a lot of fun just
being around her.
Farrah is in her early twenties and works as an
office clerk. I went to college, but as it stands,
Ive been unemployed for six months, and
theres little hope that Ill find a new
job anytime soon. And therein lies the problem. How
do I get an attractive young woman like Farrah to
go out with me? I havent told her my age yet
(like I said, Im 32, but all my friends tell
me I look 25 or even younger) or that Im out
of work, because I figure theres probably no
chance shell want to waste time with some
deadbeat whos 10 years her senior. Im
very good at not giving other people too much info
about myself too soon, but somehow I feel like a
I dont think Farrah is seeing anyone right
now -- at least she never talks about a boyfriend
and I never see her with a guy. Theres
definitely a great deal of chemistry between us,
and sometimes I just think, What the heck,
ask her out already!
What should I do? Id love to take Farrah
out on a date, but Im worried that
shell be put off by my age and lack of a
Slick - whos not had much luck with girls
My job is inspiring, because Im coaching
you to want to go out there and win the girls as
opposed to staying stuck in your rut as a
When you and Farrah originally started running
into each other, I just hope she was the one saying
hello to you first. Because youre not
supposed to be talking to her first. (And when she
was running up and down the stairs I hope you
didnt stand there gaping at her either!)
I want the girl starting the conversations. She
lives in your building. Youre going to be
running into her periodically. Let her come at you
with the chitchat. Let her ask how you are. Let her
linger when she sees you. To you Psych majors, I
want her adding to her buying signals. But when the
man jumps in with his big mouth and starts
blabbing, he doesnt give her the opportunity.
The result is that you dont know a thing
about her Interest Level. And YOUR 85% Interest
Level means nothing.
Slick, what did you get out of fixing
Farrahs car? As soon as she asked you to work
on it (for free, Im assuming, like
youre doing everything else in your life),
you should have said And whats for
dinner? If there were the slightest
hesitation on her part, youd know she was
just looking to date a mechanic (which is better
than no job at all!).
Im sure it was fun hanging around Farrah,
but what about her? Did she have a fun time? Or,
like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Was she
just impressed by the fact that she didnt get
a repair invoice for $78.56?
By the way, my friend, are you hitting the
streets with a suit and tie looking for a job eight
to 10 hours a day? Are you pounding on doors? If
youre doing all that, youre fine, guy.
But let me tell you something. Lets say you
do succeed in getting Farrah to go out with you,
and you do everything right for the first time in
your life. And six months go by, and then
youre out of work for a full calendar year,
youre not driving a Mercedes and youre
still stuck with that old classic.
Sooner or later Farrahs going to start
putting two and two together and saying to herself,
Wheres this guy going?
Slick, in your deprived circumstances you get a
hot young babe to go out with you by hitting the
lottery. By the way, have you ever noticed that
when someone asks, How old are you, and
you say 50, they never say, Gee,
you dont look a day under 65! Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, If everybody looks
younger, maybe we should lower everybodys
Being 10 years Farrahs senior is fine, as
long as youre a corporate lawyer making
$128,000 a year, drive a new Corvette and your
weekend car is a spanking new SUV. I think
its great that you dont spill too much
info about yourself, because usually when you like
a girl you feel the compulsion to tell her
everything about yourself in the first 10 minutes.
And in your case, it means youd have to tell
her youre at least 32 and youll
probably never have a job again.
You dont know who Farrah is seeing, dude.
Unless youre Donald Trump and have the money
to hire someone to follow her around 24/7, you
dont know anything about her. Mister Trump
can afford to check her out, but you cant.
Since youre on unemployment compensation, you
have to worry about making the monthly rent.
Farrah never talked about her boyfriend because
she wanted you to fix her car first. Like my cousin
Sal The Fish Love says,
Dont worry, once her vehicle passes
inspection, shell be talking about all kinds
Youve not told me one single thing that
Farrah does to verify that she has any kind of
chemistry with you. All youve talked about is
your high Interest Level, the fact that you live in
an old apartment, youre long in the tooth,
you cant get a job and nobody likes you.
Heres what you do. Dont talk about
your nonexistent job or that youre on
hellfare. If Farrah asks how old you
are, tell youre 73, and shell laugh,
then ask her how old she is before she can call you
a liar. And if she asks if youre working, you
answer Presently Ive got three
companies on the line and I just dont know
which one to choose. If shes really
dumb, tell her Honey, Im between
Remember, guys: its hard to work girls
when you dont have any moolah.
Does Orlando Bloom ever
see a Girl's Inner Beauty?
Im one of your old fans and I have found
your System to be very true. However, I
have a problem that I cant find a solution
to, and I hope you can help me with it.
Ive been struggling with this issue for
three months now and its still not resolved.
No one among my friends is wise enough to give me
what I consider to be solid advice.
I met Sandrine a year ago, and during this
period we got so close to each other that we
started talking about marriage. My problem resides
in me, and not her. I love the girl very much, and
she has every good point that youd want in a
wife except for one her looks. Its not
that shes unattractive, but shes not a
10. Unfortunately, looks are very
important to me. I know that if I resolve this
issue I can go forward in my life with confidence
in my decisions.
This is the way it works, Doc. Despite the fact
that I love Sandrine, when a Beautiful Woman
approaches me I feel that theres a hole
inside me which needs to be filled, a hole that my
partner, despite all of her good points, cannot
fill. Why? Because I feel like I have a need for a
I know it sounds crazy, but if I love Sandrine,
why cant I be satisfied with her? Another
thing that bothers me is that if I dump Sandrine,
what are the chances that Id find a Beautiful
Woman with all of her attributes? I know Id
have to be very, very lucky.
Doc, Im not a novice when it comes to
women. Sandrine is my ninth girlfriend, and
Ive seen beautiful things in both her mind
and heart that I never saw in any of my exes.
I am desperately in need of your coaching.
Sharp - who doesnt know if he should cut
Thanks for the compliment. Its too bad
that your friends cant help you, but my job
is to help you see the forest through the trees,
and thats what Im going to do.
I just hope it was Sandrine and not you who
brought up the subject of marriage, because
its the woman who should always bring up
marriage it proves her Interest Level beyond
the shadow of a doubt. But if Sandrines
less-than-spectacular looks are a problem, then you
dont love her very much, pal. So you just
contradicted yourself. Do you love her or
dont you? As the old cowboy saying goes,
You cant have it both ways.
So, youve got a fixation on hotties, and
you dont feel like man unless you have one
hanging off your arm. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, My son, if physical beauty is so
important to you, maybe you should run a modeling
But looking deeper into your impasse,
whats obvious is that were really
talking about two different issues here. The
compulsion to possess a Beautiful Woman is one side
of the coin. It says that youre a certain
kind of guy, the kind who values outer beauty as
more important than whats on the inside. Like
my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Naomi Campbell wouldnt scare you off,
even if you had to duck a cell phone or two and
sleep with one eye open for the rest of your
But then you turn around and talk about an
emptiness in yourself, and thats another
subject altogether. Now I dont have a
sheepskin on my wall, but I can tell you this: that
part of your problem has nothing to do with
romance. Like the great Doctor Freud once said,
This is a need thats not
Nevertheless, you just cant seem to feel
good about yourself because Sandrine is not a clone
of Angie Everhart. Which begs the following
question: why did you ask her out in the first
place? Why did you get involved with her at all?
Why did you waste this girls time? (See
ladies, Im not so bad!) Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says, What the heck were you
thinkin, boy? When you met her you could see
that she had a chin that belonged on a
So now youre going to get rid of this girl
and you havent even asked her to consider
seeing a plastic surgeon. What are the chances of
finding a Beauty with all of her inner attributes?
Zero. You never will, Sharp. And thats
whats sad about this letter. But youre
into looks. And let me assure you of something, my
friend -- you will pay dearly for them.
But before doing something drastic, you have to
ask yourself this: is Sandrine attractive? Not
gorgeous, but attractive. Are you attracted to her?
If youre attracted to her, then we have a GO.
The point is that with Sandrine youre not
going to have an A and you have to accept it.
Youll have to be satisfied with a B-minus.
But thats a choice you have to make for
Youve only had nine girlfriends, Sharpy?
Heck, thats nothing. Youre still wet
behind the ears. Let me ask you this: how many
dates have you had? Most importantly, how many of
those dates were with BEAUTIFUL WOMEN? Because you
better darned well know what youre in for if
youre going to deep-six Sandrine and chase
after the Pamela Andersons of the world.
And if youre lucky enough to snag a
10, are you ready for your life to be
ALL ABOUT HER 24/7? Because thats whats
going to happen with the majority of the Beauties,
whether or not you realize it. I suggest you go
back to the chapter BEAUTIFUL WOMEN in
the Dating Dictionary to refresh your memory of
what youre going to be dealing with. Like my
cousin General Love says, Soldier, you got no
clue what youre up against.
In the end, if you cut Sandrine loose, what
youre going to have to tell yourself is that
looks, which will fade, are more important than
this womans great personality, which will
last forever. This is what you have to convince
yourself of. And ultimately this is the price
youll have to pay. Think about it.
To you Psych majors, the girls that you thirst
for on the covers of Vogue and Mademoiselle are
fantasies. Theyre not real people when
theyre on the newsstand.
So, Sharp, whats your level of maturity?
Are you in touch or out of touch with reality?
Remember, guys: if her looks arent good
enough for you, dont waste her time.
Does Pam Tell Tommy She Still
I have a big problem. I became friends with
Shania, who I used to work with. We had the best
times of our lives together at least I did
-- and she also tells me she did too. After she
left her husband, we started to date. We then spent
two years together in a romantic relationship.
Then the unfortunate happened. I went to work
one day and came home that evening to discover that
Shania had moved all her stuff out. Keep in mind
that no fight happened prior to this, and she
couldnt wait for me to get home from work.
Later I learned that she had gone back to her
ex-husband. She called me from the day she left,
but I refused to speak to her.
After three months, I broke down and we talked.
Shania wanted to see me again. She was still living
with her ex. We hung out a few times and then
stopped talking again. Two months later she began
to call me all over again to tell me that she
missed me and loved me more than anything and that
she only hoped I could forgive her for leaving me.
I told her that there was no reason for her to
leave in the first place because I gave her
everything she wanted in a man. And I told her it
was easy to forgive but not forget.
Shania has continued to call me and
sometimes-even shows up at my place, but the weird
thing is that shes still living with her ex.
I still have strong feelings for her because we had
the best relationship I ever had with a woman when
we were together.
To this day Shania continues to tell me that she
doesnt love her ex and all she wants is me
back in her life. I explained that its hard
to accept that because shes living with
Doc, all I want is advice. I know the final
answer comes down to me alone, but with some moral
support my decision might be easier. Ive
tried dating other women but it never works out
because Shania is always on my mind. Can you help
Corey - who wants to know if love triumphs over
I just hope it was Shania trying to convince you
that you were having those best times of your
life, and not you convincing her.
Dude, you didnt give this girl enough time
to get over her ex. To you Psych majors, even if
the woman dumps the guy, theres an un-bonding
process that takes time. I dont want you
being the rebound guy.
The bad part of this process is that the woman
might be emotionally ready to get into a new
relationship after going through 10 guys, and
youre number 11. Then you missed the boat.
But the important thing is this: shell
eventually come to you if you stay away from her
long enough. Guys, you have to be at arms
length romantically when shes on the
Now, let me get this straight. You spent two
years with Shania and she never asked you to get
married? She didnt beg you for an engagement
ring? She didnt ask you, Wheres
this going? Dont you find that strange?
(Assuming her Interest Level was 96%, of
So -- she was gone before you knew what hit you.
Wonderful. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
Id hate to see how she would have
dumped you if she wasnt sensitive! Here
youre walking around with 89% Interest Level,
and you come home and Shania and Bekins got
together behind your back and hauled everything out
Corey, when you opened the door that night, did
it feel like a chainsaw slicing into your heart? I
feel for you, guy.
So what the heck happened? How did Shanias
Interest Level drop? Or was it not up there to
begin with? The Reality Factor says that if she was
on the rebound, it couldnt be.
A very small percentage of women dont
fight they just disappear. You happened to
find one, man. Its better that way, because
at least the beheading is quick -- I hope.
Shania didnt go back to her ex-husband.
She never left him. She left you, Corey, not him.
Sadly for you, you got it backwards.
But when she had the gall to come around after
ripping out your guts, you refused to speak to her.
Fantastic! You finally showed her you were a tough
guy. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, Why would you ever want to talk to
someone who slapped you down like she
But then you wore down and gave in like a real
Wimpus Americanus. You mean I have to take the
Congressional Medal of Honor away from you now? She
might still be living with her ex, but Im
sure it didnt stop you from jumping all over
But she wasnt through playing with your
head -- she cut you off again. Great! Inconsistent
behavior is a very strong character trait in a
Corey, you gave her everything she needed in a
man, all right, except the ability to keep her
Interest Level in the 90s.
Let me tell you something, my friend.
Forgiveness and forgetting are twin sisters and
they travel together. If you cant do both,
then you havent done one.
The only negative when Shania shows up at your
place time and again is that she doesnt have
all the furniture in the Bekins truck ready to move
back into your house. And, like my cousin Sal
The Fish Love says, We know
youd help her unpack, you weakling.
Sure you have strong feelings for Shania
but you have to fight them. This is where Patience
and Discipline come in. Theyre two key
factors in the Dating Dictionary, which you have to
get and memorize ASAP. Its easy to be tough
when the girl looks like Rosie
ODonnells older sister, but when you
have strong feelings for a clone of Mischa Barton,
thats the test of a real man.
Youre trying to extend these best
times of your life, Corey, but its
over. This girl was either imitating a basketball
or she had high Interest Level in the beginning and
you were too available, came on too heavy and
werent a Challenge, and so all of a sudden
the ex looked better. And remember, she originally
By the way, did Shania use Bekins too when she
dumped him? Heck, she must have a deal with that
company, with the way shes bouncing back and
forth among men. When you told her it was hard to
accept her protestations of eternal devotion,
Id love to know what she said to that
What you have to do now is disappear. I know
shes always on your mind, but like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, Why would you want to think
about the sins shes committing with another
man? When you ask whether love triumphs over
all, the fact that youd even use that phrase
shows me how much you dont understand about
Remember, guys: if they live with someone else,
they dont care for you.
Does Leonardo ever go
Out with a Bunch of Girls?
First off, I want to thank you for putting the
The System together. Ive totally
bought into your techniques, but Im having
trouble implementing some of them because Im
very much a beginner.
Heres my problem. I met the gorgeous
Lucinda at a club recently. I made sure to keep the
conversation light. When we were on the dance floor
some casual touching by her occurred. At this point
I thought her Interest Level was at least 51%. I
made an excuse to leave at the peak of our
interaction and asked for her number. She gave it
to me and I left. At this point I thought I was
doing pretty well.
I decided to text-message Lucinda a greeting the
next evening. I know you say to wait a week, but I
thought one text message would be okay since I
didnt actually phone her. A few days later
Lucinda called and invited me out with a bunch of
her friends. I accepted because the offer was
Doc, does being with Lucinda and three others
count as a date? I met them and it all went okay.
Lucinda and I talked, exchanged compliments, and
laughed. She mentioned that shed be clubbing
with some other people on Saturday and again
invited me. I went, but the night was definitely
not as good as the first one. The conversation
flattened out and Lucinda seemed to refrain from
initiating contact. Ive not heard from her
Im at loss as to what to do next. I
definitely feel like I was way too accessible to
Lucinda, providing no Challenge, but it was
difficult to refuse her invitations, especially
when she was the one initiating them.
Doc, what do you think Lucindas Interest
Level is now? Have I made a total mess of this? Is
the situation salvageable, or should I flush her
number? If Lucinda calls with another group
invitation, should I accept, or politely refuse and
counteroffer? If she doesnt call me, should I
call her? If so, how long should I wait?
I know this is a lot of questions, but Im
Wendell - who needs a ton of help
You should be having a lot of trouble right now
because youre in the difficult early stages
of changing a lot of old, bad habits, the kind that
made your earlier dating life like Custer at the
Little Bighorn. Its going to take you
anywhere from two to three months to a year to get
the basics of my techniques down. But Im here
to help men, and I GUARANTEE that youre going
to get better with women a lot better.
So right now what you have to do is two things.
First, dont take women personally, and
second, have fun with the process.
Lucindas Interest Level could have been
51%, but dont forget that Professional Daters
-- women with Interest Levels of only 40%-49% --
are very devious. Theyll touch you, but what
theyre really doing is feigning Interest
Level. This slick maneuver will keep you happy
while shes figuring out how long shes
going to keep you hanging around for her amusement
and free food.
Regarding your text message, its not the
vehicle thats at fault. I want you to
disappear. To be incognito. No communication. You
left the country thats what Id
like to see. I want Lucinda or any fox --
wondering about and pondering on this fascinating
guy she met, and when you text message or e-mail or
phone, you destroy all of that enticing mystery. To
you Psych majors, BEING IN HER FACE KILLS
When I tell you not to communicate with this
girl, you then fall into the pit of rationalizing.
Why? Easiest answer in the world -- because
shes gorgeous. And thats what 90% of
men do. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, If
shes worth looking at twice, you saps cave
right in. But this girls different, you
tell yourself. In real life youre only going
to be part of her history class.
Wendell, you accepted the date with Lucinda, but
you should have realized that you were also going
out with 19 of her girlfriends. How are you going
to raise her Interest Level when shes
preoccupied with 19 other people? It doesnt
make any sense, buddy. Okay, it turned out that
there were only three girlfriends, so you only had
to entertain four people.
Does all this really count as a date? Sadly,
yes, it counts as a date a really bad,
horrible date. And, Wendell, who cares that you got
along with all of Lucindas friends? All we
care about is Lucindas Interest Level. And
its easier to raise it if youre alone
with her versus trying to sell her and her three
girlfriends all together.
What do you mean you two exchanged
compliments? Its all right if she
compliments you 50 times in one evening, but what
the heck are you doing complimenting her? Like my
cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Dude, you got any idea how many times this
chick has been told she looks just like Jessica
Biel? By the way, did she yawn when you told
her how fantastic she looked?
When Lucinda invited you out a second time, it
was another great opportunity for you to turn her
down. Thats why Im totally shocked that
the second night wasnt as good as the first.
I cant imagine why! You dont think
Lucinda got bored watching you chase after her
every time she called your name, do you?
What you should do next is memorize my book.
And, Wendell, please learn not to rationalize when
your Interest Level is up in the heavens because
the girl youre dating belongs on the cover of
There is one thing you hit it right on the head,
though -- you provided no Challenge to Lucinda
whatsoever. Like my cousin Brother Love down in
Watts says, Theres hope in America yet!
I cant believe it!
Of course thats where things get really
tough for a guy. You have to refuse the babes
invitations. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
When you have a hottie on your hands, you
gotta grow some big cojones. It doesnt
make any difference that she was the initiator,
guy. I dont care if she was begging you to
marry her right that minute. Youre not doing
group dates. Because all that these group dates did
to you was turn you into a hanger-on -- a Lucinda
Wheres Lucindas Interest Level?
Somewhere between 0 and 2%. Im telling you,
Wendell, you couldnt have done any worse. The
odds of her coming back would be equivalent to you
going for a walk in the park and being attacked by
a cougar thats more likely to happen
than hearing from this girl again.
If by some miracle she does call, you politely
refuse and make a counteroffer. And no, you
dont call her -- which means you two will
never talk again. If you do decide to call her,
wait until two weeks before Armageddon.
To you Psych majors, when you meet a woman and
do everything right, dont immediately start
rationalizing and doing everything wrong.
Remember, guys: the better-looking they are, the
tougher it is.
Does Ashton ever have
Trouble with Demi?
I read your articles off and on, and when I do,
I always see how right you are about men and women.
Ive even bought your book and read it a
couple of times, but cant quite memorize
Im 25 and have had two serous
relationships so far, both of which ended badly.
Recently I met Hillary at a bar when she was with a
group of friends. Shes 34, by the way,
mature, career-minded and attractive. To make a
long story short, we went dancing and Hillary was
all over me. She invited me over to her beach house
and we spent the next three days having what I
would call a romantic time (we were in separate
bedrooms, of course!). I happened to have some
vacation days from my job at the time, by the way,
so I was able to hang out with Hillary all that
After this wonderful interlude Hillary announced
that she had to go to work. Shes a sound
engineer for concerts and many times has to work
until three in the morning. We were supposed to
have dinner the next night, and suddenly she
called, told me that she got stuck at work and that
our date was off. I played it cool, and went out
with some other friends.
She was supposed to call me to make up our
missed date but she didnt. Later that week I
called her, but she seemed distant towards me. Doc,
it seems like Hillary is losing interest in me all
of a sudden, and I dont know what I did
wrong. She was up for a good time and so was I.
What the heck happened? (I did not detect the
presence of a boyfriend, by the way.)
Doc, was this just a three-day fling for
Hillary? I know that she thinks that a sense of
humor is important in a man shes with, and
that sometimes I wasnt quite in the mood to
be funny, but it doesnt seem that something
so trivial could be enough to wreck what started
out as so promising.
The other thought that occurred to me was that
since shes so much older than me, that she
might want someone who is more mature. Whats
your take? Do older women really prefer younger
guys or is that a myth propagated by the
womens magazines? Granted, Im not as
far along in my career as she is, but at 25 how
could I be?
Lavar - who thought he had it made
Im sure you read my articles off and
on, and when youre with a woman,
youll only be successful off and
on because thats the way you treat this
entire process off and on. Whats
holding you back from memorizing everything in my
book? By the way, when you tell me that your two
earlier relationships ended badly, like my cousin
Sal The Fish Love says, What you
really mean is that they dropped you.
When Hillary invited you over to her beach
house, you should have said you were busy. You
should have said you had somewhere else you had to
be. Dude, youre supposed to see a girl for
three or four hours and call her week later. So
what did you do? You ran three whole days together
in one shot! In other words, you took three or four
months of dating and crammed them into three days
with a complete stranger. Does this sound like a
recipe for romantic success? Like the old cowboy
saying goes, That stuff only works in
Then you went and made a date on a date.
Whats wrong with you, Lavar? Are you sure you
read any of my articles? You should have let a week
go by and at least let Hillary wonder and fantasize
about that great, fun time you and she had for
three days on the beach. But like most men, you
couldnt wait. You PRESSED. To you Psych
majors, when you PRESS, you lose with women.
So Hillary called and broke your date. Very nice
now youve got your first broken date.
Sounds like youre heading for your third bad
relationship in a row, pal. Face it, Lavar, the way
youre handling things, its history
already. Hillarys already looking for another
When Hillary dodged you, of course you played it
cool and went out with some other friends. What
else could you do? You had to suck it up,
didnt you? What choice did you have?
Then she was supposed to call you and
didnt. Now let me guess what you did
you showed Hillary how tough you were by not
calling her back, right? Wrong! You were on that
phone faster than it took for Michael
Jacksons latest album to bomb. What a
surprise! So now youre going to do a little
begging, right? Great! Hillary seemed distant
towards you? Wow, thats inconsistent!
What did you do wrong here, Lavar? You spent
three straight days with a stranger off the street,
thats what you did wrong. If you had six
months in with Hillary, and then spent three days
with her, everything would be different. But like
my cousin General Love says, Soldier, you
didnt have a base of operations. And
like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts adds,
You didnt need the presence of a
boyfriend to hurt you, because you did enough
damage all by yourself, bro!
What happened to you Lavar, was that Hillary
thought she enjoyed hanging out with you for three
days, but at the end of the three days she came to
realize that her Interest Level in you wasnt
all that high. In fact, it wasnt even 51%.
And so there was no reason for her to see you
again. Which is why she doesnt want to. Makes
sense, doesnt it? Its called the
You better get your head straight, Lavar. First
you tell me that a sense of humor is important, and
then you tell me its trivial. So which one is
it? And this brings us to the core of your problem.
You dont know which end is up here. This
whole thing with Hillary was never anything solid.
It seemed like it started out as a little
something, but in reality it never was
Guys, maturity is always second to Interest
Level. Youre off on a crazy tangent here with
this older woman/younger man thing. If you did
everything right, Hillary would still be seeing you
even though shes nine years older. You never
hear about Demi not returning Ashtons phone
calls, do you? You didnt do enough things
right during those three days you and Hillary spent
together, and thats your problem. Like the
great Doctor Freud once said, This whole age
issue is much to do about nothing.
One thing about your career trajectory.
Alexander the Great controlled half the world at
your age. Youre a little behind the eight
Remember, guys: to be successful with women, you
have to spoon-feed yourself.
How does Matt Dillon
Handle the Waitress?
Im a newcomer to The System
but its really turned things around for me.
Heres my situation. My buddies and I have
been eating at the same restaurant for a few years
now. One waitress who works there, Brigitte, is a
Beautiful Woman and a real sweetheart. About two
months ago, I noticed her making eyes at me. Before
letting my ego shoot through the roof, I tried to
undervalue her Interest Level and kept to my usual
routine, which was nothing more than
hello and goodbye. A few
weeks ago, some of her female coworkers began to
drop her name a lot to me. They even asked if I
missed her when she was off one
I took this as a good sign, so I had my birthday
party at the restaurant. Afterwards I ended up
being invited out by the whole restaurant crew.
When I asked Brigitte if she was going, she said,
Are you going to be there? We all went
out, chatted, shot pool, and had a great time.
The next weekend I was invited to another party
by the restaurant crew and Brigitte was there,
attached to my hip the entire night. But for some
reason she seemed fidgety and nervous. About
halfway through the evening we went off alone and
got to talking. She revealed that she had a
boyfriend she was going fishing with the next day.
I ended the conversation, but her earlier flirty
behavior continued. The boyfriend was not mentioned
again, nor did any of her coworkers ever mention
Since the party, Brigitte gets really excited
whenever I see her at the restaurant, is always
very attentive to me, and always gives me extended
eye contact. When I leave the restaurant she always
asks if shell see me the next time I come in.
I have not asked for her home number because of the
What do you think I should do, Doc? Any advice
would be greatly appreciated.
Addison - who wonders if he should eat somewhere
Exactly how do you know that Brigittes
heart is sweet? You dont really know anything
about this girl, do you? Dont forget, Paul
McCartney thought his soon-to-be-ex wife was the
kindest girl he ever met, too. And like my cousin
Sal The Fish Love says, Then he
got to know her.
Now when a girl gives you any kind of buying
signals, youre supposed to ask for the home
phone number. You might own my book, Addison, but
in order to make it work at maximum effectiveness,
youve got to MEMORIZE it. Youve got to
practice it until its second nature. My
techniques will show you that if the girl turns you
down, she was just flirting for bigger tips. And
thats why you have to go for it to
eliminate all doubts about where shes really
When Brigittes co-workers asked if you
missed her, you should have flashed your best
Christopher Walken grin and told them you were
suicidal. Remember, youre always keeping it
light and funny.
Having your birthday bash at Brigittes
restaurant was a huge MISTAKE. Why in the world
would you want to do something like that? Addison,
this is the definition of a GROUP DATE, and you
know if youve read my book that group dates
are always a no-no.
Dude, you dont own this girl. Instead of
being alone with Brigitte and selling her on the
idea that she should dump her boyfriend for you,
you end up sharing her with 20 other people. Like
my cousin General Love says, This is not what
you would call a solid battlefield strategy.
When Brigitte asked if you were going to be at the
party, you should have said, Well, its
only my birthday party, I dont why Id
But agreeing to go to the next party with the
entire restaurant workers union was an even more
HUMONGOUS blunder. After sharing your birthday
party with a crowd of strangers you should have
disappeared. You should have let all the others go
out by themselves. You wanted to see Brigitte
But this is actually where the entire situation
becomes very interesting the kind of scene a
forensic love detective would have a field day
with. Think it about it. Brigitte is leaning on
you. Shes dancing with you. Shes
bumping into you and seems to be having a fun
but at the same time shes fidgety
and nervous and looking over her shoulder. To you
Psych majors, somethings not right. Guys, you
know what this means: Brigitte is faking high
And of course thats when she reveals that
shes going fishing with her boyfriend the
next day. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
Only it really looks like shes baiting
you and that youre the big fish whos
about to get hooked.
Addison, you should have gotten out of there the
minute you saw Brigitte flashing her lure. Anytime
you see a red flag and her Interest Level is
dropping, its time to say
Sayanora. Pal, you hung around much too
And who cares if Brigittes coworkers
dont mention her boyfriend? All you should
care about is her Interest Level in you. But what
you have here is a girl with a boyfriend who likes
to play with other guys heads and egos.
Thats all there is to it.
Sure, Brigitte gets excited when she sees you.
But not excited enough to get rid of her boyfriend.
And shes very attentive to you as well
but only when her boyfriends not around.
Addison, when this cutie batted her eyes at you,
you should have gone straight for that home phone
number. Then, when she turned you down and said,
I cant -- I have a boyfriend, and
you wouldnt have had to order your meat loaf
and mashed potatoes at her restaurant every
What you could have done then was written your
number down and handed it to her and said,
Honey, as soon as your boyfriends
circling in the sink, give me a call.
Thats the only time you hand out your phone
number. The point is to get your number into her
hands as soon as possible because this
turkeys not going to last. Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, That
boys gonna be doin a lot of
fishin on his own.
Nevertheless, I do think you need a good dose of
reality, Addison. Because you actually did
overestimate Brigittes Interest Level,
despite what you think. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love says, Man, you must be leaving this girl
some monster gratuities!
Remember, guys: sometimes waitresses fake
Interest Level so they can pick up bigger
Should Nick ever take
Im 23 and I started reading The
System two years ago. My older brother,
who had just recently married, gave me his copy
of your book after his wedding and told me to read
it and learn from it. At the time I was involved
with Lisette and thought, Why the heck do I
need a dating book? But I read it and found
it really interesting. The principles worked and
things seemed to be going just fine between us. I
was a Challenge. We both had our own circle of
friends and kept things fresh.
I started dating Lisette when I was 21 and she
was 18. It was young love. She always talked about
marriage and she even wanted me to move in with her
when we were both attending university in the same
city. I thought we were too young, and told her it
was best to take things slow and put an emphasis on
About nine months ago, Lisette decided that she
wanted to try new things, and since she was moving
away for a university work-term, she decided we
needed some time apart and to see other people. I
was floored. Since then Ive been using
The System extensively and having real
success with it. I am enjoying the company of
plenty of nice women. The problem is that Lisette
is home and she wants back in. I know your rule is
to never go back with an ex.
When Lisette split, she still wanted to be
friends, but I declined, and eliminated her from my
life. It was tough, but we never spoke from the day
she broke up with me, until a few weeks ago when
she came back to town. She wanted to go out for
coffee and I said No! Then I got an
e-mail from her pouring her heart out, saying she
never dated anyone else when she was away and that
she made the biggest mistake of her life.
What should I do, Doc? I know that the rule is
to never go back with an
ex, and I also know that you warn us about young
girls. My life is good, and I dont have bad
memories from my relationship with Lisette, except
the sour taste from the break-up. Should I delete
her e-mail? Or should I go for coffee and see for
Dirk - who has to admit hes curious
Let me tell you something. My book is not just
about dating -- its also about keeping a
mans wife happy. Why your brother gave you
his copy of my book Ill never understand.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, I sure
hope your brother knows what the heck hes
It was perfect that you told Lisette that the
two of you were way too young to get involved. When
she informed her parents of this I
tried to get Dirk to move in with me and he
wouldnt do it because he said our education
is more important theyd have to
think more of you and youd have to pick up
all kinds of points with them.
The problem of course is that you werent
scoring points with their daughter. To you Psych
majors, whenever a girl wants to try new
things, its because the old
thing i.e., YOU has gotten
BORING. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, That
means youre predictable and a snore and you
aint no fun no more. Lisettes
telling you that all you want to do is hang out and
you never want to go out and have fun or that
youre all over her like a cheap suit. Is it
just a coincidence that she wants to see other
people? Darn, what a funny coincidence!
Guy, why were you floored by Lisettes
revelation that she wanted to be free? Im
floored that you actually believed her
Dude, Im sure youre enjoying success
with my book now with all new women. Because
as Ive told you guys a million times already,
once its over, its over.
You cant let Lisette back into your life.
She had her chance. She practically came right out
and told you to your face that she was suffering
from low Interest Level. Like my cousin Sal
The Fish Love says, When a girl
wants to go out with other guys, dance with them
and kiss them, it means she doesnt like you
-- anymore. Du-uh.
So how it is that all of a sudden Lisette saw
the light after she decided that she could do
without you forever? You know what my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, dont you?
When shes got nothing to do that night,
all of a sudden you dont look so bad.
But once her Interest Level hits 49%, its
over. Gone. Like the Reality Factor says, It
CANT come back.
When she came slinking around and trying to get
you to take her out, you should have told her,
Lisette, my dear, any time you want to talk,
give me a call. Ive love to hear from you and
Ill always consider you a friend. And
then you never call her. And when she leaves
messages on your service, you dont respond to
them. Youve got all those other new babes to
occupy your time, remember?
Its okay to turn down Lisettes
invitation for coffee, but its more effective
to do it with a bit of humor. Heres what you
should have said: Id like to, honey,
but theres a Playmate shoot going on in my
bathroom all next week and I cant possibly
break away. But thanks for asking.
When she admitted to making the biggest mistake
of her life, you should have said, Lisette, I
know you screwed up, but I forgive you, and the
next guy you meet whos really good to you,
youll really appreciate him, I guarantee it.
The point is that my two rules (1) being
as cunning as a shark with young women and (2) once
its over, its over -- are enough to
conduct yourself by.
your life is good except that you have a
sour taste in your mouth from your breakup with
Lisette? Doesnt sound like a contradiction to
When Lisette e-mails you, delete her letter, and
when you hear her voice on your answering machine,
just press the button and go on to the next
message. Like my cousin General Love says,
Soldier, you gotta be tough! Because
lets face it, Dirk shes tough on
you when she needs time apart, right? The fact that
she looks like Kate Mosss sister
shouldnt give her a pass.
So why would you go out and have coffee with a
girl who told you that her Interest Level was in
the nether regions i.e., below 50%? Why
would you want to spend any kind of any time or
effort on her not to mention the $7 for
lattes and cappuccinos -- when you could be dating
a new girl, one whose Interest Level in you is
Remember, guys: they only get one chance.
Did Jennifer have
Nightmares about Brad?
I found your book nine months ago and it got me
my first girlfriend. Cara is an ex-model, has an IQ
of 155 and shes the cutest thing ever. Best
of all, she was attracted to me from the beginning.
A mutual friend introduced us and we hit it off
from there. For all her beauty, shes really
low maintenance. We usually either split things
fifty-fifty or take turns paying for dates. I like
it because its even and we dont bicker
about every penny. I didnt have to buy her.
(I hate girls who are feminists until the check
Heres my problem. Lately Caras been
making little effort to get together. It seems to
me that she doesnt care as much or maybe
shes just trying to sabotage our
relationship. Now that our relationship is starting
to get more serious, shes scared of being
hurt again. (Her ex cheated on her with one of her
friends.) This behavior began when she told me she
had a dream that I was with another girl. Cara is
very superstitious. She says her dreams are almost
always right, and even though she knows it
hasnt happened yet, it probably will in the
future. Well, since then its been all down
Doc, I plan to call Cara out on this. Im
going to tell her that her dreams and her ex are
not my fault and I shouldnt be held
accountable for them, and unless she gives up this
insanity, Ill leave her. But I REALLY, REALLY
dont want to. This girl is Beautiful,
intelligent, modest, and funny. Where will I find
someone else like her? I know shes a bit of a
loony -- she even admits to it. I asked her if she
wants to break up with me, and she said no.
I need your help, Doc. I dont want to lose
this girl, but I dont want to be judged by
Avery - who doesnt know how to defeat a
Cara may be the smartest thing ever and she may
be more generous than Angelina Jolie when the check
arrives, but dont overlook the fact that
shes also a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. That also makes
her the most dangerous thing ever. Guy, dont
EVER forget what youre dealing with here.
Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Steve Irwin stood a better chance against the
sting ray than you do.
Avery, your dating arrangement isnt
supposed to be even-steven. You should be paying
for four or five dates and then the girl should be
asking you over to her house for a nice dinner of
your favorite dish. I dont go for this
splitting-it-down-the-middle stuff. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, Are you taking a girl
out or having lunch with the bowling
You tell me that Caras making little
effort to get together. In other words, at
one time she was all over you, and now she
couldnt care less whether or not she ever
sees you. So what do we have here? Did Caras
Interest Level happen to drop for some mysterious
reason? Is that what the real problem is? You may
be right, Avery, that your girl either doesnt
care about you as much as she used to, or
shes trying to sabotage your relationship
or BOTH. Have you thought of that?
But you insist on believing that your
relationship is growing more serious.
Whoa, Avery can you pass any of that dope on
to me? Thats some good stuff youre
smoking there! Dude, Caras Interest Level is
dropping straight into the cellar and you call that
serious? How can she get hurt when her Interest
Level is 51% and yours is 89%? Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, The numbers dont make sense,
my son. With the way those percentages
compare, the only one whos going to get
burned is you.
So, this girl is very superstitious. I see....In
other words, shes a very rational person! How
can she know that youre going to leave her
when your Interest Level is up in the clouds and
hers is right next to the Mason-Dixon Line -- i.e.,
50%? It doesnt make any sense.
Now Ive got news for you, pal. This
relationship was going downhill long before you
knew it. Like most men, you dont pick up on
the signs and cues that tell you youre in
trouble. Are you sure you read my book?
What are you going to call Cara out over? Do you
actually believe that you can talk her Interest
Level up? Guess what, Avery? It doesnt work.
In all my years as a love coach and
Ive coached literally thousands of men --
Ive never seen it happen. Not once.
Caras dreams and ex-boyfriend are not the
point here. Your lecturing cant raise
Interest Level, thats the most important
issue. Of course youre not accountable for
her fantasies and her psychological baggage, but
shes trying to tell you something. The second
reason shes getting rid of you is because of
her dream. But the first and most important
reason is because she has low Interest Level
in you. Because if she had high Interest Level, her
dream would be the exception to her great
But whos whacky here anyway, Avery? Look
at your own thinking. You cant leave someone
who already left you! Cara may be all the things
you say, and one more her Interest Level is
in the toilet. Where will you find someone else
like her? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, Well, next time you might try with
someone who actually digs you!
Caras a bit of a loony? Thats the
understatement of the century! She even knows
shes a whack-job. To you Psych majors, when
shes having weird and crazy dreams about you,
stay away from her.
When this girl swore that she didnt want
to break up with you, do you really think she was
telling the truth? Like my cousin General Love
says, Would you bet your life on it,
In the end, Caras dream story is a big
cop-out, my friend. Shes serving up a heap of
Woman Talk. But remember what the great Doctor
Freud once said: Dreams are wish
Remember, guys: you are the only one who can
lower her Interest Level.
Does Snoop Dog ever Play
First off, Ive told friends about
The System and helped them improve
their Confidence by showing them the way. But I
cant seem to follow my own advice or yours in
my present situation. I hope you can coach me.
Ive known Katrina for four years. I met
her through a mutual friend. She was in a long-term
relationship at the time and we only hung out every
few months with this common friend. But there was
something in her looks, eyes and personality that
always intrigued me.
Fast forward to the present. Im living
several hours away from Katrina and chat online
with her once a week. Strangely, this has probably
been the best way weve advanced
our relationship, as we never really warmed up to
one another in person.
Recently, our mutual friend got married and I
invited Katrina to be my guest, since the wedding
was near her city and it presented the chance to
see if there might be more to this friendship. But
heres the tricky part. For about eight months
or so, shes been hanging out with a guy --
its never really been clear whether
shes dating him or using him for his
car/apartment/money. She barely mentions him when
we chat online and is rather sketchy when
discussing relationships. Finally I realized that
she moved to a new apartment with this guy
who also happens to be her long-term ex.
We had a great time at the wedding, my friends
drooled over her, we both looked elegant and acted
like a couple at times. During the drive, however,
she never touched me. At the reception she did hold
my hand, led me to the dance floor, and held my arm
as we walked. While dancing, she gave me
those eyes, even though it took several
dances before she stopped acting nervous about
I never closed the deal. I didnt kiss
Katrina because I dont know if Katrina is
truly available or whether shes taken by her
ex. Honestly, I dont know if
hes her driver, her date to parties, or if
shes serious about him. Like I said, Katrina
intrigues me tremendously and its always
seemed like weve had some unspoken
connection. Ive been trying to compare her
good points with the red flags and I cant
decide if shes worth my time.
Was playing the gentleman and not kissing her
the right thing to do? Or should I go for it by
asking her out, as Im moving to her city in a
Walt - who feels paralyzed by indecision.
Thank you very much for spreading the word about
my book. The reason youre confused right now
is because youre still studying my principles
and you dont have them down pat yet. Once you
do that, the answers will come to you
automatically. But Im here to coach you along
Its great that Katrina mesmerizes you. Who
wouldnt be mesmerized by someone who looks
like a cross between Denise Richards and Scarlett
Johansson? But my techniques NEVER look at the
mans Interest Level. To you Psych majors,
its only the girls Interest Level that
So lets see exactly what youve got
here. You have a long-distance relationship, which
is bad. But you want to keep it kind of warm, so
you chat with the girl once a week. But
realistically, youll only have a chance with
this babe when youre living in her city or
shes living in yours. In other words, this
relationship has to be built not on her words
coming out of a computer screen, but when
youre there looking right at her and watching
her body language. So Walt, this is the wrong way
to advance your relationship. You never warmed up
to each other because you never went out on a date
she was always involved with somebody
Heres something else you did wrong. NO
WEDDINGS on the first date. The first date with a
girl should always be a Starbucks date. A wedding
is a pretty heavy deal for a first date. I know
theyre a lot of fun and all, but when
youre getting to know somebody, you should
stay out of wedding receptions. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love says, You dont want her
thinking you want to marry her heck, you
dont even know her!
Now dude, the last thing you want to find out is
more about your developing friendship
with Katrina. You want to be this girls
BOYfriend. Youre using the wrong words.
You say Katrina doesnt mention her
boyfriend. Sure she does! It sounds to me like
shes been telling you about him all along.
But why is she mentioning him at all? This is a
HUGE RED FLAG, buddy. Like my cousin Sal The
Fish Love says, Shes so scared
youre going to leave her that she cant
stop talking about other men. Gee, Walt,
Id hate to hear what shed talk about if
she didnt like you! So let me get this
straight. Katrina moves in with a guy that she got
rid of -- a guy whos still in love with her
-- and you want to know if this girl likes you?
Sure, your friends drooled over Katrina. And
Im sure they wanted to do more than drool
over her. But the more important question is did
she drool over you? At times you two acted like a
couple. What does that mean? But it certainly was
classy that she accidentally bumped into you a few
times on the dance floor. Maybe theres hope
for you after all!
Katrina acted nervous because she had low
Interest Level in you, Walt. No doubt she
couldnt wait for the wedding to end so she
could get away from you and go back to her
The most important chapter in the Dating
Dictionary is Closing The Deal. You
knew you didnt do it, Walt. Whats wrong
with you? Are you a coward? Going in for the kiss
is the foolproof way of finding out exactly where a
girl stands. Walt, a gentleman would have kissed
this girl. You got it backwards again. When Katrina
turned her head when you tried to lay one on her,
you would have known for sure that she was
Let me repeat that we dont care that this
girl intrigues you. We want her to be intrigued BY
you. But you insist theres an unspoken
connection between the two of you. Man oh man. You
gotta lay off the pot. That stuff is doing bad
things to your head. Its making you imagine
And I dont care what this other guy does.
I dont care if hes her chauffeur, her
butler, or her plumber. They use the same bathroom!
Nah, shes not serious about this turkey
she only moved in with him! Duh!
Heres what you do. Dont tell Katrina
when you move into her city. Wait two or three
days, then ask her out and KISS her after the date.
Otherwise youll be waiting forever to figure
out whether this girl likes you or shes
playing with your head.
Remember, guys: when she lives with a man, I
hope you smell a rat.
How does Stedman tell
Oprah she's Packing on the Pounds?
I happened to stumble across your columns when I
was surfing for love advice and I thought you might
be able to help me.
Jeanna and I have been dating for several years.
Ive tried to get her to marry me on occasion,
but she seems content with the way things are. I
still nudge her about it from time to time, but
since it never works, Ive given up and now
just accept our relationship for what it is.
Im 50, by the way, and shes 46 and
weve both abandoned the idea of having kids,
so I guess its no big deal.
My problem is Jeannas weight. Shes a
detective on our police force here in New York
City, and her job is very stressful it
involves investigating homicides and other violent
crimes. When her duties become particularly
nerve-wracking, she has a tendency to overeat
donuts, pizza, pastrami sandwiches and the
like, and to do it on the run with no thought for
nutrition. Then she comes home and has a few drinks
to unwind. On top of it all, she might not work out
at the gym for weeks on end.
Lately Ive noticed that her weight is
spiraling out of control. Her belly and butt are
starting to get very flabby and she cant fit
into her clothes anymore. Ive tried to make
very subtle suggestions to Jeanna about this mess
but she doesnt pick up on them, doesnt
care, or cant help herself.
So my question is this: how can I deal with
this? I dont want a fatty hanging off my arm,
and I dont want the poor woman dropping dead
of a heart attack or a stroke. Like most females,
shes very sensitive about her appearance.
Furthermore, the last thing she needs is me nagging
her after a long day on the mean streets.
What do you think I should do? What can I say to
her that she wont interpret as an insult?
Thanks for your help, Doc.
Gene - whos starting to wonder if he
should look elsewhere
Whether or not you know it, your problem is
right there in the second paragraph of your letter.
It has nothing to do with what comes later.
Youve got an Interest Level problem here, pal
hers, not yours.
When a woman has 95% Interest Level, a guy
doesnt have to talk her into anything. You
asked this girl a bunch of times to marry you and
she rebuffed you. If shes not saying yes,
its because her Interest Level isnt in
the 90s. And thats where your basic problem
is with Jeanna.
That said, accepting your relationship with her
for what it is, is fine in itself. Hey, if you guys
get along and have a great time and she
doesnt want to get married, theres
nothing wrong with the arrangement. Just make sure
your Interest Level isnt any higher than 55%
or youre going to be continually frustrated
by an unbalanced relationship youre
into it, and shes only half into it. But like
my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Giving up on the idea of kids shows
theres something good about your
Look, its okay for Jeanna to gorge herself
as long as shes doing it with carrots or
broccoli, or shes taking 10 strawberries to
work in a plastic bag rather than a Hersheys
chocolate bar or salami and provolone submarine
sandwich. Her problem isnt overeating;
its the types of food shes eating. And
you have to understand her problem, because there
is an enormous amount of stress that goes along
with being a police officer. Its a rough,
tough job. And you have to have a lot of empathy
and sympathy for the sacrifices she makes every
So you dont want to make comments on her
weight, Gene. Thats insulting. When she gets
out of the shower and she looks in the mirror and
its not wide enough to contain all of her
body, she knows shes overweight and she knows
that shes overeating.
But like I said earlier, theres something
else going on here. And what she has to ask herself
is whether shes overeating because of her
lack of Interest Level in you. (Guys, youll
never see this analysis in a self-help manual or a
ladies magazine!) Maybe her Interest Level is
only 45% and shes too scared to go it alone,
while yours is 89% and youre hanging on for
dear life. Again -- there are other reasons why
Jeanna cant help herself, dude. But
youre going to handle this situation by being
supportive and keeping your mouth shut. And when
you guys go out, youre going to the gym.
Whatever you two do together, its going to
have the theme of getting and staying in shape (and
shedding pounds). Whatever you do, you two are
going to keep moving. Every time you see Jeanna,
youll head to the gym or go running or
bicycling together. You dont do anything else
with this lady. You dont go and sit in a
movie theater and polish off a bucket of buttered
popcorn with a side of nachos. You dont go
out and eat barbecued ribs. Gene, youre going
to be your girlfriends coach. And if she
wants to drop you because of that or she decides
not see you, then fine man up to it. But
thats what youre going to do.
Youre going to coach this woman to get on the
right track as long as she hangs around.
To you Psych majors, nagging doesnt work.
It doesnt work when women do it to men, and
vice-versa. (Guys, youll never see this
analysis in a self-help manual or ladies
magazine!) So dont even be tempted to pick at
her, man. Keep your trap closed no criticism
or snide remarks or subtle suggestions.
Keep it light and keep it funny. Your actions are
going to speak for you. Every time you see Jeanna,
this is how youre going to behave.
Guy, you may have years in with this woman, but
she still doesnt want to marry you. I have to
keep coming back to that harsh truth. Like the
Reality Factor says, when she turns down your
repeated offers to marry, its obvious that
her Interest Level is a lot lower than yours. You
want to get married, so your Interest Level is 89%.
(Or maybe its even in the 90s where it
shouldnt be.) But hers is only what
65%? 75%? Can you live with a woman who has 75%
Interest Level? Now 75% Interest Level is decent,
but its not in the 90s, where it should be.
It doesnt have that magic intensity.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Her
Interest Level is the real problem here, dude
not her figure.
But youre not going to bring it up.
Instead, youre going to be her personal
Remember, guys: if she eats too much, you have
to take her to the gym or never see her
Does Alec Bladwin ever
Feel like being a Wimp?
Ive been inspired to write to you after
reading your columns, and Im going to
purchase The System right after I send
this letter. Everything you say makes absolute
sense to me. Not too long ago I came out of a
four-year relationship, dumped by my very first
true love. All of your concepts explain
EXACTLY why it happened! I had become besotted and
obsessed with my ex. My constant chasing had killed
her Interest Level, but I was too blind to see it.
In short, I was a complete wimp.
I met my current girlfriend, Sheena, four months
ago. I hadnt heard of your techniques then,
but my tentative actions increased her Interest
Level I was being a Challenge without
knowing it. On our first dates, I was light, funny
and confident. I told Sheena I wasnt sure
about getting involved. This didnt seem to
discourage her in fact, it made her want to
get involved with me. She even asked if I wanted to
go back to her place and I actually said, No,
Im not sure thats a good
After a few more dates, she was really into me.
She asked if I would phone her and I said,
Dont take it personally. I just
dont like the phone. From then on, she
phoned me and left message after message. When I
saw her, she was all over me! I teased her that she
loved me but was too embarrassed to admit it. Then
one evening she actually told me that she did love
me. I didnt say it back and she asked why. I
said, When I tell you, I want to be
Now, four months later, Ive fallen head
over heels. Im becoming a wimp again.
Ive bought Sheena gifts, written e-mails, and
started nagging and begging. Then I found your
articles. But Im finding it hard to use your
principles because Ive fallen hard for this
girl. Going back to being a Challenge is tougher
than I thought. It was so much easier when I
didnt love her! Most of all, I always want to
know what shes doing. I get insecure,
wondering whats going on.
How can I get through each day at work without
worrying constantly? Most of all, how can I manage
my insecurity and anxiety because I want to be in
touch with Sheena all the time?
Myles - whos desperate not to be a
Lots of guys, for one reason or another, will
hang back with a girl, and they dont know it
but theyre being a Challenge. What
theyre going to do -- hopefully -- is
continue this behavior throughout the entire
Telling Sheena you werent sure about
getting involved with her was good insofar as being
a Challenge went. But there was nothing funny about
the tactic. In fact, it was heavy-handed, and we
always want to keep it light and funny. What if
when she brought up the topic of long-term
relationships you said, Id love to get
married, but Im already married. Funny,
right? With this technique you dont answer
her question dead on -- you sidestep it, and then
you come right back with a dose of sarcasm.
And what you should have said when she asked you
to go back to her place was If I go home with
you, do you promise to keep your hands to
yourself? And then flashed her your best Jack
Same thing with the telephone deal. The point is
that when a woman hits you with a hard, tough
question, you have to go straight into Jim Carrey
mode. Or Robin Williamss mode. Or Vince
Vaughan mode. You should have said, Listen,
honey, Ill tell you what. When I talk to you,
I want to be able to look into those big, beautiful
eyes of yours. I cant see them over the
telephone line. Just go along with me on this one
thing, and Ill do everything else in the
relationship you want -- honest.
But Sheena started calling you incessantly even
if you dont have a sense of humor. Fantastic,
Myles! You got her going, man! And better yet, all
this attention and interest is INCOMING! She was
all over you? Even better! Sheenas Interest
Level is soaring around in the 90s. To you Psych
majors, this is the way its supposed to be.
But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, Now
heres the hard part lets see if
she acts like that 30 years from now.
You blew another opportunity to be a funny man
when she asked why you wouldnt say you loved
her. Dude, that was the perfect invitation to come
back with Because I dont believe in
The problem now of course is that youve
lost control of yourself, and your Interest Level
is flirting with 90% if its not already
there. The mans Interest Level should stay
between 80% and 89%. When it hits 90%, you poor
schmucks start falling apart. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love would say, Love is a
Now youve regressed all the way back to
where you were when you got dumped by your ex.
Youre nagging and begging and groveling.
After the beating you took at the hands of your
one true love, youve insisted on
going back to that self-destructive behavior. So
the obvious question is this: Why would you go
against the principles that got you there, you
dunce? No doubt Sheena is a double for Kate
Bosworth, and this makes your condition even worse.
Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
If she looked like Oprah in the morning, it
would be easy for you to be tough.
Guy, lets clear something up. It
wasnt easier for you to be a Challenge when
you werent gaga over Sheena. Thats a
half-truth. The reality is that it was so much
easier to be in control when you were
Hey, if you want to know what this girls
up to every minute, you should become a
womens prison guard. But needing to know
where Sheena is every second of the day shows that
youre already gone whether or not you know
it. Your Interest Level has gone wild. Its
well into the 90s. I dont think theres
any hope for you. Like my cousin General Love would
say, We ought to just lower the flag to
half-mast, get out the bugles and blow taps. This
soldier has bitten the dust.
How do you make it through the day without
constantly worrying? You have to just suck it up,
pal. Say to yourself I have to drag my
Interest Level back into the 80s and get realistic
here. Because Im not the guy Sheena fell in
love with. I cant completely throw my
Self-Control away over some 95-pound
How can you manage your insecurity and anxiety?
Have you thought about Quaaludes? (Im
Remember, guys: the principles that catch her,
What does Ted Turner do
when She Won't Talk?
Ive known Candace for about eight years.
Over all those years weve dated off and on.
Every time we get together, things are fantastic
for a month or two and then Candace shuts down
emotionally and becomes very closed. Our
conversations then tend to become very shallow and
dont go much beyond what happened at work
that day, and then they disappear altogether. As
you might imagine, this is enormously frustrating.
Eventually, this leads to our breaking up. I simply
cant communicate with the girl.
Before we got back together the last time,
Candace spent some time thinking things over to
avoid past mistakes that led to our breaking up.
However, after about four months we ended up
breaking up again. This time, I was the one who
initiated it. At this point I was beyond frustrated
and tired of pretending that we had a real
Doc, to put it bluntly, Im too old for
this. However, there has always been some sort of
deep emotional connection between Candace and me
that brings us back together, but it seems like she
gets afraid when things are good and then she shuts
down and things go bad. At least thats how I
see it from where I stand.
Now Im wondering if I did the right thing.
I waited three weeks to contact Candace, apologized
for my stupidity and tried to get her to talk to
me. So far she has not responded. At this point I
dont know if this is the same cycle playing
itself out and our deep connection is still there,
or if its really over this time and I should
just let her go and try to get on with my life once
and for all.
What do you think, Doc? Any insight whatsoever
would be greatly appreciated.
Riles - who wonders if his time has finally run
Candace doesnt really shut down
emotionally after shes been around you for a
while. Youre rationalizing her odd behavior,
which as youd know if youd studied my
material is a major no-no. The truth of the matter
is that this girl does a perfect imitation of a
clam because she just gets tired of faking high
Know why you cant talk to Candace? Because
it takes two people to have a conversation and you
have her mixed up with somebody who wants to
communicate. Its really a very simple matter,
pal. Like Woody Allen says, Ive got a
better relationship with my shrink, and she only
says two words per session.
Candaces true past mistake was that she
spent time with a guy who she had only 45% Interest
Level in. Remember what Ive told you guys
over and over again when her Interest Level
is in the 40s, shell hang around with you,
but dont make the mistake of believing that
you have any kind of legitimate hold on her,
because you dont. If youd pored over my
material and its my bet that after
spending eight years as a human yo-yo for this girl
youve definitely not memorized it!
youd know that a crucial mistake men make is
OVERESTIMATING the females Interest Level. Go
back to my book and check out the section called
Interest Level again. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, Those three pages alone
will save you years of torture.
Whats interesting is that you apparently
havent learned anything whatsoever from all
the previous times in those eight long years when
you and Candace rode your
break-up-and-get-together-again merry-go-round. How
many times are you two going to split 87?
And the question isnt why you get back
together again and again when your relationship is
so lousy. (And believe me, when youre not
talking to your partner, it cant be anything
but lousy.) The real question is why did she unload
you the first time?
Candace doesnt get back together with you
for any other reason than she feels a need to have
a little party with you for three to six weeks (or
take a break from the other turkeys shes
stringing along!) and then hit the bricks again.
After all, Riles, shes knows youll be
back. You came back all the other 86 times,
didnt you? I dont mean to bash your
head in here, guy (Candace does a good enough job
of that as it is), but youre being a
Its too bad you only waited three weeks to
contact Candace, dude. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says. The way things are going,
you should have waited 30 years! The type of
stupidity youre referring to is a different
one than Im referring to, which is not going
by the principles of The System.
Remember the chapter entitled Begging?
I suggest you take a look at that one again.
Why should Candace respond to you now, man?
Youre out. Dont you get that? She
doesnt like you. She never thinks about you.
Shes making out with somebody new right now.
Hel-lo? Didnt you ever hear of the Reality
Factor? It says, When she keeps running away
from you, she doesnt want to be with
And like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
Theres no eternal cycle playing itself
out here or any deep mystical connection at work.
Your Interest Level is 88% and hers is 45%. Those
numbers dont match, my son. And
thats your problem in a nutshell.
Up until now Candace liked to go back and forth
with you, Riles. But when shes back with you
for a while, she inevitably comes to the same
conclusion. Oh, what the heck was I thinking?
Hes still the same old shmuck, and then
she leaves again.
Of course, shes not too swift either for
endlessly going back to a guy that she already
dumped 86 times. Actually, now that I think about
it, you two should be together. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says, Its a match made in
Finally, you cant let Candace go, Riles
shes already gone! Thats what
you cant seem to get through your thick head.
Like the great Doctor Freud once said, If I
could somehow exterminate the male ego, we could
cut the divorce rate by 90%.
Remember, guys: when youre out, you were
really out a long time earlier.
Did Jamie Foxx ever get
Dumped from Overseas?
Let me be one of the thousands to commend you on
your articles. I have yet to purchase The
System but intend to do so in the near
future. I hope you can give me your expert opinion
on my situation.
I met Mora during college and we went out for
three years. I am an Australian citizen while
shes from Malaysia. Last year we both
finished our degrees in Australia. I stayed in
Australia and Mora headed back to Malaysia because
she told me her father needed help in the family
business. We agreed to make our relationship work
because we were so in love. We called faithfully
and exchanged romantic e-mails and handwritten
letters. But some weeks ago she unexpectedly told
me over the phone that while on vacation she had
time to herself away from the bustle of work and
concluded that our relationship wasnt going
to work out because she may never come back to
I didnt agree to this and spent the next
two weeks calling Mora and trying to change her
mind. I even asked her to marry me but she
Before we broke up she said the following:
We are made for each other
I cant live without
I want to be with you
When I recounted this to her, she said she only
meant it at the time. How can a person
mean those things one day and not the next?
I know youre asking why I dont go
and work in Malaysia. If I did, Id have to
take an 80% pay cut and, unlike Mora, my dad
doesnt own a business there. I have a better
chance of becoming successful in Australia.
Mora assured me that shes not breaking up
with me because she has another guy, and I have no
choice but to believe her. Whats frustrating
is that our relationship died not because of
incompatibility or infidelity but because of
Mora will be visiting soon because she has to
collect some things that I kept for her. Should I
hope that we would be reunited, or just move on? I
feel a lack of closure because its the first
time Ive been dumped over the phone and we
never shared our last moments together.
Geordie - whos about to go insane
I appreciate that youre thinking of
investing in yourself. But I look at the clock and
I think about the party youre going to
tonight and how without The System
youre not going to be as smooth as you could
be. And how next week youll be at a singles
club and theres going to be a girl you like
and youre not going to get her home phone
number. And I hear the tick-tick-tick of time and I
In other words, pal, you have to stamp a date on
this, as in On November 1 Im buying
this book even if theres a nuclear war!
Unless you make the commitment to help yourself,
youre never going to do it. Losers make vague
promises about the future. Winners make
The family business was the second reason Mora
left. The first was because she had low Interest
Level in you. It wasnt you two who were so in
love it was YOU alone. Mora fell out of
love. Thats why she crossed the ocean. If she
loved you, shed become an Australian citizen
and tell pops to work it out for himself.
But Mora knows shes never returning Down
Under. And whats all this BS about getting
away from the bustle of work to clear her mind?
Its got nothing to do with Interest Level.
(Youd know that if youd read my book.)
School, business, even when her moms really
sick -- none of that lowers Interest Level. The
Reality Factor says, Only YOU can lower her
You should have agreed to breaking up, Geordie.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Why
would you want to go to a party where youre
not invited? Instead, you tried to change
Moras mind. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
Once Interest Level drops from 51% to 49%,
only God can move it back into the 50s.
Look at it this way, pal. You did everything you
could. You asked Mora to marry you and she said no.
You have to say to yourself I had three great
years with this girl and its over. But
the love of your life walked out on you and
youre going to get my book
someday. What if you met a new girl
next week? Will you repeat your mistakes? So, get
my book one of these days but dont
rush into anything!
Im sure Mora said all kinds of wonderful
lines when you were together. (One of my favorite
chapters in the Dating Dictionary is
Actress. Youll love that one!)
She wasnt lying when she said she meant all
that stuff at that split second, she did.
But you lowered her Interest Level over a
three-year period and thats what you
didnt realize. Its not actually the
very next day that she didnt mean what she
said. It happens in increments. Thats how a
girl can say such lovely things and then 90 days
later youre out. Its because her
Interest Level dropped -- slowly. Like the dripping
of water -- eventually theres no water
Hey, Im not asking why you dont go
and work in Malaysia. Are you sure you read my
articles? Didnt you read the ones about
begging and chasing or my number two rule,
Never try and keep someone who doesnt
want to keep you? But theres no hurry
get my book later.
Theres one other reason you neglected to
mention about why you should stay put in Australia.
You have to find a new girl. Because the one in
Malaysia doesnt care for you. She moved to
another country to be with her father, she
doesnt know if shes ever coming back to
Australia, and you asked her to get married and she
said no -- hey, this girls definitely in love
Of course Mora wont come out and say she
dumped you for another guy. Whether or not she does
is a side issue here. But Ill tell you
something Ill bet shes got
Your relationship didnt end because of
circumstance. But like I say in my book, GEOGRAPHY
IS A KILLER. If youd had my book, maybe you
could have saved this deal before Moras
Interest Level traveled to Malaysia. Theoretically
you might have been out after two and a half years,
and she said to herself, Well, I cant
dump him now because I still live here. Ah!
Ill tell him Dad needs help, then I can go
back home and that will be my big excuse, as
opposed to the real truth: Geordie lowered my
Interest Level due to his comportment.
Why dont you mail Moras things to
her? Why would you want to see her? Havent
you been battered enough already?
I think you should move on. While youre at
it, get in touch with reality. Like most men when
they like a girl, what you do is RATIONALIZE. To
you Psych majors, rationalizing is dangerous
because then youre out of control and
youre not facing reality.
You did share your last moments together, dude.
Its just that the end came sooner than you
Remember, guys: dont rationalize by
believing her excuses.
Does Kid Rock ever Listen to
Pam Anderson's Other Boyfriends?
Ive been an avid fan of yours since I
started seriously dating, but Ive only just
begun to apply your techniques after experiencing
Now heres my problem. Ive been
dating Donna for a year. Shes gorgeous
the kind of girl a guy cant take his eyes
off, so I guess I should have known what I was up
against. Well, the week of our anniversary I got a
call from a guy who says that he and Donna have
been dating for the past two months. I didnt
know what to think, as you might imagine. When I
confronted Donna about it, she admitted theyd
been communicating, and that she did it because I
seemed to have less time for her and she thought I
was seeing someone else. (I wasnt.) She
apologized and told me that she still wants to work
on our relationship.
The guy had the nerve to call me again and said
that Donna is still trying to play both sides of
the fence. She swore to me when I asked her about
it that she would stop talking to him. Then, at a
party she threw, I showed up and the guy was there.
I couldnt believe it. Donna danced with him
even though she knew I was there. I ended up
talking with her mother, who confided that Donna
likes both of us. According to her, her daughter
wants to be with me in the long term, but she
really likes hanging out with this other guy.
So right then and there I went ahead and
confronted Donna and this other guy. I asked her if
she is going to choose him over me and she said no.
Later she told me that she has not been intimate
with the guy, but the guy told me afterward that
hes gotten very romantic with her, if you
catch my drift. (I know that your column is
Doc, who should I believe and what should I do?
Im going absolutely crazy over this.
Vic - whos confused and heartbroken in
I feel for you, my friend, but when something
like this goes down, you have to figure one of two
things is happening: either this other guy is lying
through his teeth because hes a heavy-duty
blocker and wants your girl for himself, or
hes telling you the truth. Its one or
the other. Like I always tell you guys, you have to
become a forensic love cop in order to successfully
compete in this arena. Otherwise, like my cousin
General Love says, You dont know which
end is up, a distinct disadvantage when it comes to
dealing with women.
And if in fact you werent seeing some
other girl, Donna is OUT. Like the Reality Factor
says, She has to be banished forever when
your find out shes fooling around with
another guy on the side. So what you say the
minute she cops to being involved with him is
Donna, it was really nice knowing you,
and you walk. NOW. Shes finished. History.
Because this girl has no Loyalty. Shes got no
Integrity. Like my cousin Sal The Fish
Love says, How can you date the girl if you
cant turn your back on her?
But Donna still wants to work on your
relationship. Oh my gosh, Vic. I thought
Id heard it all, but those words are surely
going to win the Woman Talk Of The Year Award For
2006. And, uh, by the way, theres this bridge
Im looking to sell in Brooklyn
The other guy called you a second time? Wow.
Im truly impressed. This dudes got it
all figured out. Whats funny and
pathetic -- is that youve got my book and he
doesnt! But maybe you havent finished
reading it yet and thats your excuse.
When Donna promised shed stop talking to
her other squeeze, you should have said, No,
I want you to keep right on talking to him, honey.
Because I dont want you to be alone. So you
just keep going out with him. You two are going to
have a great, wonderful relationship. We had a nice
run, you and me, and I think youre a heck of
a girl, and I hope you make your new guy
happy. Thats what you should have said.
And then turned and walked right out of there --
Unfortunately, you didnt do that. And
things went downhill, naturally, because once the
moment of truth passes and you havent taken
the correct action, nothing but bad things are
bound to happen.
Vic, you dont show up at a party when your
girlfriend has no Integrity. Hel-lo? Then Donna
shimmied and danced close with this guy when you
were standing just a few feet away? Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, This is the epitome of
rubbing it in your face! What have I told you
guys over and over? For Gods sake, dont
hang around for a beating when youve already
taken it on the nose!
Donnas mom told you that her daughter
liked both of you fellows? Im shocked! But on
the other hand I do understand it. Donnas
just going to make out with this other guy until
you two have your wedding day. Hey, I can go along
with that! Makes perfect sense to me!
But you still didnt catch on, Vic, despite
being totally humiliated by your girl (who happens
to be very classy by pulling something like this on
you, by the way). Like a good Macho Boy you went
ahead and confronted her and her new beau. I hate
to break this to you, pal, but there was nothing to
confront. You and Donna already had your talk. Like
my Uncle Jethro Love says, Youre
beating a dead horse here, boy. She told you
a while ago shes seeing another guy. What
more do you need to get it through your head? Like
my cousin Rabbi Love says, Son, when she
prefers slow dancing with another man in your
presence, your bagel has been baked.
Regarding what the other guy told you about his
romantic relationship with Donna, we
dont know if what hes saying is true.
The point is that you had a relationship with her
for 10 months before he came into the picture. And
at some point her Interest Level dropped through
the floor and thats why she got a backup in
place for when she was through with you for good.
Vic, Id say youve hit the point of no
Who should you believe and what should you do
now? Guy, youve got to immerse yourself in
the Dating Dictionary. Its your only hope of
saving yourself from a life of sheer misery with
the opposite gender. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, You dont really
want your head bashed in again, do you, bro?
Once your girl told you that she was cuddling with
somebody else for two whole months, you were dead
in the water right there.
Remember, guys: if she lacks Integrity, drop
Does Anne Hathaway ever
Change Her Mind about a Guy?
Cherry is a designer I met through a mutual
business contact. I am a tile setter and did a few
jobs for her. She said she would like to get
together for a drink or dinner and we did. At the
end of the evening we hugged, and I said Id
like to take her out again.
I called her a week later and we made a date for
a lunch and a museum. I was so nervous that my
hands were shaking while we were eating. Im
not sure if Cherry noticed, but it seemed that she
changed soon after that. At the end of the date she
gave me a hug and I gave her three daisies. I
waited five days, then called her and got her
answering machine, so I left a message about
getting together on the weekend. I didnt hear
from her and let the weekend pass. On the following
Tuesday I called again, and again I got her
machine. I knew something was wrong, and thought
back to my shaking hands. I said that I
wouldnt be mad at her if she had a change of
heart but I did want her to understand that I
didnt want anything to happen to our growing
A few days later I got an e-mail from Cherry
saying that her heart was not in a relationship but
that she would like to continue the friendship. I
then wrote back saying that I was sorry and that I
was growing fond of her and felt bad that I made
her have to write the letter in the first
I didnt hear from her for a few weeks
until she called wanting me to do a small
tile-setting job for a client. Then she asked me to
come to her home to pick out a paint color for her
walls, and maybe we could go out together and pick
up the paint. Now Im getting really confused
about what she wants. I know enough not to jump
into anything too soon but how should I handle
this? Is it possible that this is a second chance
for me? I plan on just being myself and not looking
for anything that isnt there, but thanks for
any advice you can give me to help my cause.
Wesley - whos trying not to get his hopes
Why in the world are you telling this woman you
want to take her out again? Putting aside the
popular myth perpetuated by Feministas like
Oprah that women want guys who spill their
guts, lets suppose that Cherry wants a man
who plays it cool and would rather drag his
interest out of him. Well then, you blew it, pal.
To boot, the goal is to try and read her Interest
Level, and the way to do it is by not coming on
heavy. To you Psych majors, if you come on like
gangbusters youre going to LOWER her Interest
Its okay that your hands shook when you
were out with Cherry. I dont know if
youve memorized my material yet, but either
way were going to help you. Lets say
you knew your hands were going to shake that
its happened before. Well, then, you should
have done something else with this girl where she
couldnt see your hands shaking like
take her to an IMAX movie. Then do it for two or
three dates until you get comfortable with her and
your hands stop shaking.
But of course Cherry changed after she saw you
doing Saint Vituss Dance. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says, She looked over at you and
saw you juggling, but she didnt see no balls
in the air! So why would she want to go out
with you again?
But her lack of interest wasnt stopping
you, dude. You went ahead and presented her with a
bouquet. Why are you giving this stranger flowers?
We want her wondering how many women are chasing
you, versus how many women are rejecting you
because youre needy and you come on too
strong. How did you think this girl was going to
interpret your mushy gesture? Remember, guys,
unless it RAISES Interest Level, dont do
But you werent finished. You called Cherry
and left her a message. Why didnt you just
ask her to meet you at the jewelry store so you two
could pick out the ring?
You didnt really let the
weekend pass, buddy. You act like this girls
dying to see you. How can you say you
let it pass? What are you trying to do,
save face here? Come on, guy, dont try and
snow me -- Ive been in sales all my life!
You knew something was wrong, all right, except
that you thought it was Cherrys answering
machine that wasnt working. But you insist
that you two have a growing friendship. Guy, she
doesnt return phone calls! You call that a
growing friendship? Like my cousin General Love
says, I call that Death. Wesley,
please, you have to lay off the Gallo!
Now, dude, why would you tell someone who
doesnt want to have a romantic relationship
with you that you want to have a relationship with
her when she just told you she wasnt
interested? Like the great Doctor Freud once said,
Did you do it because youre a great
YOU apologized for making HER write a letter?
Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Im sticking the gun in my mouth right
now! I cant believe you, Wes.
Youre giving me wimp chills!
But at least youre going to get some money
out of the deal even though Cherry rejected you.
Its great that she wants you to help her pick
out her paint. If it were me, I would have asked
her By the way, when you make out the check,
its 40 bucks an hour!
But on the other hand, youre getting a
free dinner out of it. Look at it this way. Maybe
Cherry wrote you off, but she likes your work. And
as my cousin Rabbi Love says, Consider the
economics of it she keeps giving you
So stay on the business track, Wesley, and
forget the romance. And by the way, how do you set
tile when youre hands are shaking?
But youre still confused about what she
wants. Dude, she doesnt want to be with you.
Her Interest Level in you is 1%. CORRECT. I said
Youre not about to jump into anything? My
friend, youve been jumping around like a
Tasmanian kangaroo! You think youre getting a
second chance? Yeah, and youre going to win
the Powerball drawing next week, too!
Wesley youre out. What does this girl have
to do, hire a hit mean for you to get the drift?
Like the Reality Factor says, What are her
actions? Hey, she doesnt call you
But the good part is shes getting you
business and thats the main thing here.
Youre making dough off this woman. Usually
when they drop you they wont give you the
time of day, but this ones shooting you
leads. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
The only down side is that maybe shes
looking for someone to paint her walls for
Remember, guys: the key to women is not charging
How Long did Richie
Sambora Wait Before He Moved In?
I am a new student who wishes he had your book
15 or 20 years ago as its really opened my
eyes to the key to successful dating and it would
have prevented me from making the same old mistakes
again and again. I am now 35 and I hope its
not too late to change the way I go about things
because up until now my dating experiences have not
exactly been what you would call successful.
Now heres my problem. I was getting close
to Sabrina, who I work with. Then she asked for
some space while she sorted things out at home with
her boyfriend, who she lived with. I took this to
mean that her Interest Level in me dropped and that
she was saying this to prevent my feelings being
hurt. I backed off and was polite to her when I saw
her at work and made small talk when necessary, but
I tried not to let my very high Interest Level
Last week Sabrina moved out and has now gone
home to stay with her mother. Ive avoided her
at work, as I dont want to be in her face
while she is going through what must be a very
stressful time. Is this the right thing to do? The
last thing I want is to put any sort of pressure on
Sabrina or make her feel awkward in any way. I must
stress that she didnt move out because of our
relationship, because there isnt one. She
moved out because she was unhappy, simple as
I guess what Id like to know, Doc, is how
you would have played things and what should I do
in the days and weeks ahead? Should I just forget
about Sabrina even though I really like her or
should I keep giving her the space she wanted and
then ask for a date in the future? If so, how long
should I wait before I ask her?
One last thing. I bought Sabrina a book
shes interested in. Should I give it to her?
If so, when? I just wanted to do something nice for
her to cheer her up a bit.
Many thanks, Doc, for all your time and
Tyson - who hopes he hasnt already screwed
When you say you made mistakes over and over
again, you really said a mouthful. What a guy
doesnt realize is that when he goes out with
Sally, then Lynn and then Mary, and they all dump
him; they dump him for some variation of the same
reason. If hes a Macho Boy, they dump him
because he tries to dominate. And if hes a
Wimp, they get rid of him because they get tired of
giving the guy orders. But the common denominator
is waning Interest Level.
But rest assured, Tyson, as long as youre
breathing and you love women, The
System will help you tremendously.
You say you were getting close to Sabrina. Were
you trying to get close to her, or and this
is the vastly more important question -- was she
trying to get close to you? Because what we have to
be talking about here is not your Interest Level
its her Interest Level. Her Interest
Level is the only thing that matters not
On to the issue of space. Like my cousin Sal
The Fish Love says, Man, anytime
a babe uses the word space, youre
in deep trouble. Because when she pulls out
that dreaded word, it means her Interest Level in
you is drooping into the 40s or the 50s (most
likely the 40s).
Its possible that Sabrinas Interest
Level dropped, but more likely it was never there
in the first place. Like the great Doctor Freud
once said, Maybe you were just projecting
your Interest Level onto her like most males and
Gosh, Tyson, you couldnt really have read
my book and believe that this girls
protecting your feelings, could you?
Where in the world did you get that idea? Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, Bro,
you gotta lay off the Jack Daniels! Again --
women only care about their Interest Level. If they
dont have high Interest Level, they could
care less about you. Its the nature of the
beast. Like the Reality Factor says, low Interest
Level means she doesnt give a farthing for
Of course you cant put your very high
Interest Level on display at your job. In fact, you
should have been letting this girl come to you all
along, and not vice-versa.
You think Sabrinas going through a
stressful time? Dude, her ex-boyfriends the
one whos freaking out he just got
dumped! Heck, Sabrinas happy! Shes
ecstatic! Shes free to do whatever she wants.
Shes already looking for the next turkey,
dont you get it?
So dont back off from her. If I were you
Id just go ahead and ask her out right now.
Since shes living with her mom now, you can
just get it over with. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love says, When she turns you down, you can
throw the number away and forget the whole thing
once and for all.
Now let me explain something to you. You can
only put pressure on women with low Interest Level.
To you Psych majors, you cant put pressure on
a girl with high Interest Level, because she
already digs you a lot. The only reason Sabrina
will feel awkward is because she already told you
once that she needs her space and you want to bug
her. Until she knocks on your door, you should have
nothing to do with her. In the meantime, make all
the other girls at the office laugh like Jim Carrey
would, and leave it at that.
Buddy, you dont have a relationship going
with this girl. She had low Interest Level in this
other guy and she wanted her space. She got her
space by breaking up with him. And she told you she
wanted her space and thats why you think
youre going to be pressuring her. Psych
Once you found out Sabrina was living with a
guy, you should have backed off until she moved
out. But you were hustling her while she was
shacking up. Big mistake.
I wouldnt ask this babe for a date in the
distant future because you already asked her once
and she said no. If shes interested in you
shell come on to you. The death knell was her
use of that terrible word -- space.
How long should you wait before you ak her out?
Like my cousin General Love would say, Until
Now why would want to give a gift to a girl
youre not dating? Unless youre seeing
her, you dont give her anything. In the
second place, you dont spring for a gift
until shes in love with you. Youre so
far ahead of yourself its not even funny. Are
you sure you read my book?
Tyson, lets get real. You dont
really want to cheer Sabrina up. You want to
trumpet your Interest Level like most guys do. You
could care less about showing Sabrina sympathy. Why
dont you just give the book to someone else
in the office who doesnt care about you, or
somebody you dont care about? Think about
Remember, guys: when shes living in sin,
How does Julio Iglesias
Handle her When She Yells at Him?
I reference your book whenever I have
relationship problems, but Im having trouble
finding something that pertains to the one I have
with my current girlfriend.
Holly and I have been together for four years
and we have a good relationship despite some ups
and downs. We date three times a week and talk by
phone twice a day. Sometimes Hollys Interest
Level dips, and when that happens I try to make
myself more of a Challenge. It usually works, but
sometimes she responds with lots of anger.
Recently Holly has been more naggy, less
affectionate, and shes snapped at me, though
she still asks to be with me and calls a lot. I
respond by being indifferent to her bossy remarks
and Ive also stopped taking her orders when
she wants me to hang out with her instead of with
Last night the tension reached a climax. Holly
wanted to be with me, but I planned to go out with
my friends. As a compromise I told her that she and
her friends could come over and that Id make
them drinks and they could go out afterwards. But
she tried to convince me again to go out with her
and became very upset when I told her no. I gave
her valid excuses, but this sent her into an
uncontrollable rage. I was able to calm her down
and eventually told her I had to leave, but not
before she laid into me for 20 minutes.
I know that Holly will come around, but I
dont think its okay for her to yell and
treat me badly and for me to continue to act like
it never happened. I want to make her happy, but I
need to get my own emotions out too or I will end
up bitter. Any suggestions, Doc?
Leo - whos at the end of his rope
I occasionally get letters and e-mails from guys
who complain about the same thing youre
complaining about: Help! Ive read your
book three times and cant figure out which
end is up. Make no mistake about it, guys --
the answer to ANY question about women and dating
IS in the book. But lets go ahead, and if the
answer isnt there, Ill apologize.
You say have a good relationship with Holly.
Leo, this should be a GREAT relationship. A
SPECTACULAR relationship. There shouldnt be
ANY ups and downs. When you hook up with a babe,
why would settle for something thats not
incredible and exactly what you want? Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says, You got 50 years for
trouble once you get hitched!
You and Holly get together and talk on the phone
HOW often? Dude
one-third of The
System is Challenge! You two are so on top of
each other all the time that there isnt any
room whatsoever for Challenge. Excuse me a second
while I go drop a Quaalude!
Trying to make yourself a Challenge now is like
closing the barn door after the bull got out. You
should have stayed a Challenge from the get-go.
Right now youre more like a yo-yo. You play
hardball with Holly and get her to come at you,
then when she does you go straight back to being a
wimp because you think shes changed. You
dont see that its being a consistent
CHALLENGE thats affecting her, putting her
exactly where you want her.
But as it is, Holly is getting really ticked off
at you. A big part of being a Challenge is HUMOR. I
hope youre handling this situation with a
good dose of humor, pal. Because when a girls
Interest Level is down to 51% to 55%, and its
headed toward 49%, youre going to need all
the gentle humor you can muster. Remember
Jim Carrey, Vince Vaughn, Robin Williams, and Owen
Wilson theyre the guys you want to
channel when things get heavy.
When Holly displays all this contradictory
behavior, you have to disappear. Dont take
her phone calls. Dont return them. Once she
starts dissing you by screaming and yelling, you
have to CUT IT OFF. Youre not dropping her,
but youre going to disappear for a couple of
weeks and see if it shakes her up.
Let me get this straight. Youve got
heavy-duty relationship problems and youre
arranging a group date? After you own the girl,
when everything is perfect, you can have the U.S.
Navy over if you want. But when youre mired
in difficulties the last thing you want is an
audience complicating things. With the kinds of
stuff youre battling, you shouldnt have
invited Holly over at all. Or like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love says, Better yet, invite all her
friends and dont invite her.
Thats playing super-hardball!
But youre up against a woman displaying
uncontrollable rage. Let me ask you a question,
Leo. Is a woman in the grip of an uncontrollable
rage when shes stomping on your ego
out like a smoked-down cigarette loving? And
Holly doesnt show the least bit of restraint
when she attacks you. She lets you have it with
both barrels. Like my cousin Brother Love down in
Watts says, Id hate to see what
shed do if she didnt love
This behavior of Hollys has a lot to say
not just about how low her Interest Level is, but
also the way she does combat. Which means that
every time you have an argument with this banshee,
this is what youre going to have to deal
with. Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love
says, Good luck, man. By the way, have you
considered switching girlfriends?
By the time this debacle was over, youd
endured 20 whole minutes of a vicious
tongue-lashing. Worse, you hung around to take the
beating. I dont know what it is with you
guys. Like the Bottom Line Factor says, They
give you the tiniest morsel of hope, then they beat
on you nonstop. Amazing.
But you still think Holly will come around. Leo,
her Interest Level is nowhere near decent right now
because its down in the 40s. What can
you going to do with an Interest Level that low
except wait to get dumped? Her screaming and
carrying on is part of her bad attitude. And the
worst part for you is that its completely
separate from the fact that she despises you.
Youre on some la-la tangent here if you think
this situation is going to take a turn for the
better. What you need to do is get out of town. Let
Holly chase you, then youll see if
theres any real hope left.
Youre not here to make this girl happy,
buddy. Youre here to raise Interest Level.
While youre trying to make Holly happy, her
Interest Level is swirling around the toilet bowl.
Like the old Chinese proverb goes, So why are
you on this road, grasshopper? Its
obviously the wrong one. Are you sure you have my
Leo, right now your Interest Level is 100%. And
youre just grasping at straws. So forget
about your emotions and being bitter. Those are the
last things Holly cares about. Do your homework and
study my book.
Remember, guys: until she wants to apologize,
she doesnt know how to find you.
Does Nick Lachey ever
Criticize his Dates?
Im writing to you to try and figure out
where I went wrong. I purchased your book six
months ago. I read it once and every once in awhile
I look through it. So far so good.
I met Michelle at the store where I work. She
used to come in for years and we were always
cordial to each other. Finally she gave me her
phone number and I waited six days to call her.
Things went well and we hit it off. We went out on
a bunch of other dates over the next few months and
they were also successful.
Now heres where the problem comes in. This
past Saturday we went out on a date and we had a
little argument because she smoked pot with her
friends a few hours before she saw me. I told her
that I didnt like her smoking pot. She told
me not to tell her what to do. I said okay, you
have a right to live your own life. The evening
ended and I took Michelle home. She gave me a hug
and that was that.
A few days passed and we didnt speak to
each other. Finally we connected online, and to
make a long story short she said she doesnt
want to continue to date me. In the past she told
me that she really liked me and had a crush on me
for four years.
Now Im confused. I called her and asked
her what made her feel this way, and she told me
that things just got weird between us.
I felt needy then and asked if there was still a
chance for us. She didnt say anything.
Doc, I thought that Michelles Interest
Level was higher than 49%. It seemed that she
really liked me just a week ago. She put notes on
my car telling me she missed me. I was cool with
her and was never the Macho Boy or Wimpus
Americanus. Now its all shot to hell.
I would really appreciate it if you gave me some
feedback on this situation. What did I do to make
Chuck - whos still scratching his head
You didnt just buy my book, pal. You made
an investment in your future. You didnt know
it at the time, but you took precautions to protect
your long-term mental health.
And thats why its disappointing that
you read The Dating Dictionary only once. Dude
this material has to be memorized! I
dont know what it is with a lot of you guys.
You think that just because this powerful manual is
merely in your possession that its enough,
and now you have it made with the girls. But what
you dont get is that its a tool. If you
dont pick the tool up and use it, practice
with it, and get comfortable with it until it
brings out the manly strength qualities in your
personality, youre going to continue to make
mistakes. And thats why youre in the
boat you find yourself in right now.
And Chuck, its obvious you havent
memorized my book because I tell you in The Dating
Dictionary to keep it light and funny, no heavy
subjects, and no put-downs. Which of course is
exactly what you didnt do with Michelle. You
put her down for something she likes to do, which
violates my principles. Okay, so shes into
wacky weed, and youre not a pothead. Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
Nobodys perfect. You can withdraw
from the relationship gracefully and not ask her
out anymore if you dont like dopers. And by
the way, why are you getting into arguments with a
girl on a date when the reason for a date is to
increase Interest Level? As the Chinese proverb
goes, Dates arent for proving a point,
Of course Michelle doesnt want you telling
her what to do. Can you blame her? She hit it right
on the head when she told you to take a hike. Hey
Chuckie -- Im shocked that she doesnt
want to date you anymore!
Like I said, if you dont approve of her
lifestyle, the solution is simple. Forget her.
Dont take her out anymore. But you
didnt do anything of the sort. You let
Michelle dump you instead. Like my cousin General
Love says, You won the argument, but you lost
But heres whats weird about you,
Chuckles. You dont care for babes who do
reefer, but youre calling this one up and
begging to see her again. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, My son, you dont even go by your
own principles! To you Psych majors, you
cant have it both ways.
Even though Michelle told you that you were
history, you whimpered about whether there was
still a chance for you. She just told you that you
were out, didnt she? Does she have to explain
to you that her Interest Level is 10,000 feet under
water in the deepest part of the ocean before you
get the drift? (And yeah, Chuck, I totally believe
that you read my book only once -- your lousy
performance proves it!)
Youre absolutely right that
Michelles Interest Level was higher than 49%.
Hey, it was way up in the 80s and 90s for four long
years. The problem is, you went and opened your
And its also true that Michelle dug you as
recently as a week ago. But the operative words
here are a week ago -- she doesnt
dig you anymore. And she used to miss you, my
friend, but thats over too. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, Shes already
telling the new guy she misses him.
Chuck, Ive got news for you. You were BOTH
guys you thought you werent. You played Macho
Boy by trying to dominate Michelle with your
high-handed values, and then you turned Wimpus
Americanus by going down on your knees and begging.
Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
When youre that wishy-washy, its
no wonder everythings shot to hell.
Heres what you did to make Michelle leave:
you told her what to do. And if she told you what
to do, you wouldnt like it either. (See
girls, Im not so bad!)
Remember, guys: if you dont like what she
does, throw her number away -- but dont
harbor any illusions of changing her.
Is Kiefer Sutherland
ever Afraid to go in for the Kiss?
The girl of my affection is a secretary at the
company I work for, where Im one of the
senior employees. Caitlin is 25 and Im 32. We
talked for the first time at a party. I had bought
a new cell phone and she started playing around
with it, using it to take pictures of me and the
other guests. She said, I see my phone number
is missing from your address book. Ill add
it, and then she typed in her number.
To me this indicated high Interest Level. But a
couple days later I learned that Caitlin has a
boyfriend. This confused me a bit, but I still
proceeded to invite her on a date. While driving
home afterwards, I made the big mistake of talking
about one of my past relationships that ended in a
lets just be friends disaster. (I
did not own The System at the time.)
Im sure this is what made Caitlins
Interest Level drop very quickly. She then sent me
a small book called Friendship. The next day I told
her that I had to forget her. She said that
maybe we could become more than friends
in the future. I mostly ignored her from then
A couple months later Caitlin left her
boyfriend. We started seeing each other again.
Suddenly she was sending me all kinds of buying
signals (holding my hand, visiting me in my office
every day, looking for excuses to be with me more,
etc.). We went out on a couple of dates that always
ended nicely, but I did not go in for the kiss. I
had a gut feeling that something wasnt right,
and that feeling stopped me from going in.
Two weeks ago, I went on a vacation to Africa.
While I was away, Caitlin cared for my dog. She
drove me to the airport and also picked me up when
I returned (she had to take a day off to do that).
Two days later, my best friend at work told me that
Caitlin told him that she has a new boyfriend,
another guy from our office, but that my friend was
not to share this information with anyone. Of
course she knew hed tell me.
I know I wont be able to avoid seeing
Caitlin at the office. Im confused all over
again. Was it a mistake not to go in for the kiss?
Was she waiting for me to kiss her? Or was she just
playing with me, using me as a stopgap measure
until something better -- a new boyfriend -- came
Hank - whos back to collecting phone
When Caitlin typed her number into your phone,
you should have asked whether it was her home phone
number or her cell phone number. Then you would
have known right off the bat where you stood.
Hank, how can you say that one item just
one, single item indicates high Interest
Level? You need 60 items, guy! You cant use
just one buying signal, you need TONS of them. Like
my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Dude, youre a little too happy to jump
on any scrap of affection. Didnt your mommy
love you when you were a little kid?
That said, its good that you got Caitlin
out on a date despite the rumor of a boyfriend.
Because you want to hear about this other guy
directly from her lips. You dont want to hear
it from a stranger, or worse, from a blocker.
Ive told you guys over and over NOT TO
TALK ABOUT OTHER WOMEN OR PAST FAILED RELATIONSHIPS
IN THE EARLY STAGES OF DATING. But since you
didnt own The System at the time,
youre off the hook. But pal, keep it in mind
in the future itll save you lots of
The real issue though, is not that your blabbing
made Caitlins shaky Interest Level drop
quickly -- its HOW FAR you made it drop. So
this isnt a good thing to do, my friend. Like
my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
How many times do you have to get your heart
carved out before you stop spilling your
Another problem with this scenario is that
youre putting yourself down. Youre
telling this babe how you were such a loser that
another girl had no choice but to dump you. And
then she starts thinking, Gee, I wonder if
Im going to have to do the same thing? Am I
overrating this turkey? Maybe I should be dumping
See, what you guys dont realize is that
when you put a little bee in a girls bonnet,
shes going to look at it, play with it, and
attack it from 50,000 different angles. And like my
cousin General Love says, Before you know
what hit you, youre in trouble.
Instead of the great hint Caitlin dropped when
she gave you the little book called Friendship, she
should have sent you the volume called Goodbye,
Hank! Because she was definitely trying to tell you
something, man. And then you go and tell her you
have to forget her or youll die? The girl has
a boyfriend, youve been out with her all of
once or twice, and now youre so tragically in
love with her since shes not available that
youre losing your grip. You can hardly stand
to look at her anymore or your heart will break.
Like the old cowboy saying goes, Man, I hope
you dont own any sawed-off
But not to worry. Caitlin is a gal with a heart.
She said you might become more than friends in the
future! Great! You know how I love definite maybes.
And you know how well they work out!
But good for you that you tried to ignore
Caitlin after she told you she only wanted to be
friends. Too bad you didnt keep ignoring her.
When she dropped her boyfriend, you took her back
too soon when she gave you a couple of buying
signals. The bad part is that girls with Interest
Level of 40% to 49% will do that. And remember, you
were going back to her. What have I always said
about going back to a girl? YOU CANT DO
Now, on to your main question whether or
not you should have laid a kiss on Caitlin. Buddy,
on the second date you go in for the kiss
all the time. No exceptions.
But your gut was right. It was telling you that
this girl didnt like you and that she was
just wasting your time. But that doesnt mean
you still cant kiss her. To you Psych majors,
no ones perfect.
It was very sweet of Caitlin to care for your
mutt. But did you kiss her when you left the
country? Did you kiss her when you got back?
Thats what I want to know. You know why she
was so generous to you, Hank? Because shes a
secretary and youre a muckety-muck at your
Yes, it was a boo-boo not to go in for the kiss.
On the other hand, Caitlin wasnt waiting
around for you to kiss her. She was just playing
with you because youre the boss. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, My son, she was
either waiting for a new boyfriend or a
Remember, guys: you cant go back
Do Girls ever Distance
Themselves from Usher?
Im a senior in high school and I love what
you do. You always have really good advice, whether
its in your column or on your radio show.
Keep up the great work.
Heres my problem. I started hanging out
with Natasha about a week ago. We hit it off from
the start. Shes drop-dead gorgeous, but
shes also well-rounded and has a great
personality, too. Doc, I really, really like her.
This past Saturday night her friend threw a party
and Natasha and I went together. We talked for a
while, and by the end of the night we were being
very romantic and she kissed me three times on the
lips without my making a move. Natasha said she
really liked me, so I figured this one was in the
bag. She doesnt go to parties and hook up
with guys all the time, so this was definitely
I told Natasha Id call her the next day.
So I left a message on her answering machine on
Sunday and she didnt call back. Later that
night she sent me a text message saying she was too
tired to talk, but that wed see each other
the next day at school.
Heres what I dont get: Natasha was
all over me Saturday night, but she wouldnt
even phone me back when I called her. Today when we
saw each other in school she was a little awkward
around me and she stayed close to her friends a lot
more than usual. We agreed to hang out this weekend
but she wasnt that enthusiastic about the
Doc, I really like this girl and Id love
to have a relationship with her. I dont want
this to be just a one-night hook-up and nothing
else. So how do I communicate this to her without
coming on too strong?
Thanks for any help you can give me.
Jose - who doesnt want to say the wrong
Thanks for the compliments. And let me suggest
that The Dating Dictionary should be required
reading for every senior in every high school. If
it were, thered be a lot less problems in the
Now Jose, with The System we
dont hang out. We go on dates. We
get dressed up. Sprinkle on a few drops of nice
cologne. Shine our shoes and brush our teeth. Then
we paste on a big smile, and when we get to the
door, we say Showtime! We want the girl
to know that were after her, but in a subtle
and nonverbal fashion. Were going to say it
with our actions because we dont believe in
talking about heavy stuff and giving our power
Im sure Natasha is all the things you say,
Jose. No doubt she can pass for Maria
Sharapovas younger sister. And shes one
more thing: shes 17 years young. Which means
shes not fully-grown, and we all know that a
young girl is nothing if not dangerous when it
comes to falling in love. She doesnt know
what she wants yet. Shes just a baby, and so
are you, but thats all right. We all have to
And I have no doubt that youre crazy about
her. Shes drop-dead gorgeous, so who
wouldnt like her? But the more important
point is this: whats HER Interest Level? Does
she touch your arm five times whenever she sees
you? Does she tail you around the halls at school
trying to get your attention? Thats what
youre not telling me. And its the only
thing that matters.
Your big date with Natasha was more like a big
mistake, buddy. And your first blunder was going on
a group date. What have I told you guys a zillion
times? No group dates. You should be taking this
girl to different types of places around town.
Unusual, unique places. Far-out restaurants. The
zoo if there is one. Doing things that other high
school guys dont do. Youll stand out in
the crowd, believe me.
Im sure too that Natasha said she liked
you but she didnt say it after 10
years of marriage. If she did, then you can do
somersaults and back flips. But she said it after
two hours. Two hours isnt enough. Two hours
Jose, I hate to break this to you, but Natasha
does like go to parties and hang out with guys
she kissed you, didnt she? Lets
get real here. How do you know what she does? Have
you had a camera on this filly for the last 17
years, watching her every move? And shes
drop-dead gorgeous to boot? This girls been
chased since she was 12, man. Shes heavy
duty. And youre putting her way up on a
pedestal. The truth is that you know nothing about
Natasha. Absolutely nothing.
And of course you ran and called her the very
next day. Hey, she looks like she should be on the
cover of Seventeen, right? Why dont you just
ask her to go steady already? Say, Natasha,
lets go steady because I cant wait
Im in a real hurry!
What you should have done was not answered
Natashas text message at all. Like my cousin
General Love says, Withdraw, soldier!
But like most boys with big egos and
Im talking about 45-year-old boys here too
you had to charge in and try and
fix things. Anytime you get a mixed
signal from a girl and you sense a drop in
intensity, you should be GONE. Out of there. Like
my cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Youre the newest member of the U.S.
Federal Witness Protection Program, living in
Natasha didnt call you back? Heck, I can
see it. Its really tough to make a phone
call. She had to pick up the receiver, which weighs
all of 14 ounces, then she had to punch in the
digits seven times and she had to say,
Listen, baby, I had a great time, and
Ill see you at school tomorrow. Im
dying to see you again, but Im just out of
gas. I dont mean to be rude, but I knew
youd understand, because I took the 30
seconds necessary to call you due to my high
Interest Level, and because Im a classy girl
and Im always up front.
But she didnt do that, did she? This
beauty was all over you for one night and
thats all. I want her all over you for 10
dates. One night is nothing. Remember: UNTIL YOU
GET TO 10 DATES, NOTHING COUNTS.
Know why Natasha didnt phone you back?
Because youre pressing her. Shes a
knockout. Shes dying inside for a Challenge,
and all she finds is little boys pressing,
pressing, and pressing. You smooched three times
and here you are falling in love forever. Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, Bro,
its time to grow up!
You should have phoned in sick to school the
next day. You should have made her wonder where you
were. Yet youre forcing Natasha to get
together on the weekend. Here a girl is pulling
back, and you keep pushing her. To you Psych
majors, pressure never works in a romantic
Jose, if Natasha isnt enthusiastic about
getting together again, call her up on Thursday and
break the date. I dare you.
You say you listen to my radio show and you read
my column and then you make the statement that you
want a long-term relationship. Apparently Natasha
wants just a one-night hookup and nothing else. But
no, youre thinking, youre the only one.
Youre the first one. No ones ever
rapped to this babe from the time she was 12 to the
time she turned 17. No other guys ever kissed
on a Saturday night. Dude, you keep thinking that.
And keep smoking whatever youre smoking.
Like I said, its time to move to Broken
Butt, North Dakota. Because pal, you want Natasha
pounding on your door, pleading with you to come
out, calling you, begging to know whats wrong
because you havent gotten back to her and
shes left you three phone messages, texted
you six times and youre not giving her the
time of day. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
When shes going nuts over you, then
maybe well give her another shot.
Remember, guys: when you sense a discrepancy in
Interest Levels, its time to load up the car
and buy a farm in North Dakota.
Does Jude Law ever Confess
when He Cheats?
Ive been in a relationship with Jill for
eight months now. In the fourth month of our
relationship I cheated on her with my
ex-girlfriend. I havent talked to my
ex-girlfriend since. I felt guilty about it the
minute I did it and told Jill that I was unfaithful
with a girl a week after we met when we
werent committed yet (obviously it was a
This has caused a lot of problems in our
relationship. I continued to feel guilty about what
I did, and just a couple of days ago I told Jill
that it was actually my ex-girlfriend I was
unfaithful with. She promptly asked me to get out
and said she doesnt want to be with me
I used to follow The System when I
was in college and it was a great help with women,
but I got overconfident and forgot the basics. When
I opened your book yesterday, I realized how much I
should have kept studying it. Doc, do you think
that my relationship with this gem Jill --
is over because of my mistake? Do you think that
even if it works out shes probably going to
want to get back at me to make sure things are
equal? What about the chances that
shell cheat on me?
I know that Jills Interest Level was off
the charts at the beginning. She begged me to move
in with her and talked about having my kids and
getting married. Can my blunder drive Jills
Interest Level from the 90s to 49%? Should I bother
trying to make it work? If so, how can I do it?
I know Ive hit you with a ton of
questions, but I would greatly appreciate any
responses that you can give me.
Josh - who messed up big-time
You cheated with your ex? What were you
thinking? Youve got a good, loving girl, and
what do you go and do? You allow your ego to lead
you into breaking your contract with this girl. And
even worse, you did it with an ex! A double
To you Psych majors, you have to ask yourself
this question: why am I playing with fire? Why am I
doing something dangerous like this when I have
such a good deal? Your situation reminds me of when
Hugh Grant cheated on the delicious Liz Hurley. A
year and a half after he committed his peccadillo,
it was over. It took a little longer for Liz to get
rid of Hugh than for Jill to dump you, but that
mistake finally killed it.
Now let me tell all you guys something. Im
against any kind of fooling around when youre
going with somebody. But if you do happen to cheat,
do you actually believe its going to up your
girlfriends Interest Level? And its not
just guys who tempt fate -- women can be prone to
the same thing. And then you blurt out,
Dont take this personally, honey, but I
got together with my ex behind your back. Please
forgive me and love me more! If you have to
tell somebody about what you did, tell everyone
else in the world, all 6 billion of them, but just
dont tell Jill, for Petes sake.
So, your little indiscretion caused problems for
you, Josh? Well, theres the understatement of
the year! Feeling guilty shows you have a
conscience, though and that youre not
completely numb. At least when you told Jill what
you did you left out the gory details. Im
glad you did something right.
Then she asked you to beat it. Well, what else
would you expect? Reverse the situation. How would
you feel if Jill confessed infidelity to you? What
would you tell her to do if the shoe was on the
It goes without saying that you should have
stayed with The System, man. Ive
told you guys again and again that you have to
study it every night for 10 minutes before you go
to sleep unless youre married. But Josh, you
got all full of yourself and decided to skip the
basics. Theres your ego running amok again.
Or like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
Its the ugly devil raising his
Again, you Psych majors, this stuff has to be
memorized, and you cant just walk away from
it when you feel like youre on top of things.
But in your favor, you realized that you should
have kept studying. Like my cousin General Love
says, Theres still hope in
Now, lets get on to the ultimate question.
The truth is that yes, your relationship with Jill
is probably kaput. But Ill do my best to save
Of course shes going to want to equal the
score between you. Its human nature, Josh.
Youre going to have to take a beating every
time theres an argument over anything.
Whenever theres a disagreement over something
as small as which restaurant to go to youre
going to hear about the terrible thing you did with
your ex. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
This girls going to give the term
nagging new significance!
And sure, shell probably be tempted to
cheat on you. Some girls will still hang around you
and then go into revenge mode, just to make sure
you really feel it. And when she does, like my
cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Youll have to sit there thinking about
all those lonely guys hanging around the bars and
clubs that she might run into.
Guys (this is not addressed only to you, Josh),
Interest Level is ALWAYS off the charts in the
beginning. The problem is, it ends up on the floor
when you deviate from my principles.
When Jill was in love with you she begged you to
move in and have her kids. That, dude, was 100%
Interest Level. This babe was crawling all over
you. But you tossed The System. You
walked away from the techniques that got this
A really, really good question is where your
blunder will drive Jills Interest Level. Half
the time when a guy screws up like this, it will go
straight into the 30s or 40s. But lets say
you lucked out and it hasnt dropped to 49%.
Lets say it stopped plummeting when it
touched 51%. And lets say youre hanging
by your fingertips from the side of a cliff, and
Jills interest is hovering somewhere between
51%-55%. What you have to do in that case is
disappear, and every time she calls you and dredges
it up, you have to say, I apologize, dear,
and it will never happen again. And buddy,
youre going to have to be ready to say it
100,000 times, all through your marriage to this
girl -- if she takes you back.
And heres what the other love doctors
dont tell you. They say that you can rebuild
the trust bond after its been ruptured, but I
say its a half-truth. Now are you ready for
this? Jills Interest Level is going to stay
out of the 80s and 90s. Maybe its even going
to stay out of the 70s. At best it will be 67%,
68%. Because since she was burned, she cant
give you that other 30% to get it back to where it
On the other hand, with time and good behavior
and your ability to endure the constant punishment
youll be subjected to, what could happen is
that Jill might even allow her Interest Level up to
80%-85%. But it will never, ever go into the 90s
again. And theres a good chance it will never
even hit the 80s. It depends on the individual
woman. Good luck, Josh. Youre going to need
I always try and help you guys, as you know. My
friend, you can try and make this thing work, but
youre facing real nasty odds. Youve got
to stay away from Jill. She has to call you up and
you have to ask her out. And then shell say,
No! I just called you to tell you again what
a jerk you are! And youll have to say
okay, honey, let me have it with both barrels. And
shes going to browbeat you for 20 minutes and
then hang up. And youll just have to keep
putting up with that until she gets some of the
pain out of her system. But she wont ever get
it all out.
Meanwhile, Josh, youd better hustle other
women, because your chances with Jill are so lousy.
And you have to ask yourself one more question: do
I want to live with a woman whose Interest Level
will never be in the 90s?
Remember, guys: if youre Catholic, save it
for the confessional.
©2006, DocLove Dot
Other Relationship Issues,
* * *
I present myself to you in a form suitable to the
relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi
Doc Love is
a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and
coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years
he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay
with one man versus another?" Archives for
DocLove will answer all of your
romantic love questions from a mans
perspective. So set your ego aside, learn to laugh
at yourself, and visit www.doclove.com
or e-mail me at email@example.com
or call me at 800.404.2644 and I will give you a
snappy answer to your silly love question
one loaded with truth. You do what I say, and Miss
Right will rob banks for you. When I get done with
you, you will need more security than Julio
Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, I promise
to not use your real name, or give it out. All
questions will be answered, but only the ones of
general interest printed. Please be specific and
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
©1996-2019, Gordon Clay