Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love,
dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question?
You can write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
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Turning Down a
I had a friend that is very important to me ask
me out. I told him he was important, but just a
I didn't say "yes" to him because mostly I've
been thinking about a couple of other guys, one in
particular, that I want to go out with. They seemed
to have shown signs that they might like me. One
stares at me; smiles when I smile, always is asking
me questions, which he doesn't really do with other
people. The other I'm still looking into. (He held
my hand longer than he should have when shaking a
few times, for no reason, because he doesn't do
that with other people.)
I didn't want to ruin our friendship (I didn't
explain that however because he didn't seem too
And then there is this other good friend that
likes me, but I have no idea when he'll say
something. I don't think I like him, but more of
how he treats me and that he likes me. I don't know
how I can say no to him, because he likes me a lot
and it would hurt me hurting him.
I've never seemed to have this many guys
interested me at one time (and I may not be
mentioning them all). So I'm a little naive even
though I'm almost 21.
Anyways, was I right in saying no to my one
friend, possibly b/c of other guys?
Let's start with a little reality here: you
don't have any true male friends. What you have is
guy(s) that want to date you but that are totally
clueless on how to make anything happen with you.
So, they become your friend, treat you really well,
buy you dinners, give you gifts, listen to you when
you're down and mopy and hope that you'll just
somehow fall in love with them, do all their work
for them and they won't have to take any risks of
being rejected by you.
I'm sorry, that's the truth. It's better that
you get this straight in your head right now than
to continue along this path thinking that things
are otherwise, only to have to continue to hurt a
bunch of "friends" down the road. You and I
understand the difference, but, unfortunately,
these guys don't. I suggest you give them my email
address and website and have them contact me so
that we can get them straightened out on all of
As to whether it's "right" to turn down your
friend? Well, frankly, if you're not attracted to
him, what else are you going to do? Are you going
to just start throwing him "pity dates" which will
eventually lead to "pity sex" and maybe even a
"pity marriage"??? Of course not.
The best answer is to realize up front why these
guys want to be your friend rather than to assume
that they're so fascinated by your stunning
personality that they want to pal up; but in a case
like this, you have to nip that in the bud after
Just as you wouldn't cut a dog's tail off piece
by piece, you shouldn't do that to your friend(s)
either. Make it clear that you have no romantic
interest in him/them and that they need to look
elsewhere. Stringing them along is cruel and
prevents them from meeting someone that they might
have a chance with. If you're really a "friend"
however, you could become a "wing-woman" for these
guys, but that's an entirely different
How to Attract Women
How do I attract a woman for a relationship?
During high school I tried to ask out 5
different girls over 5 years. I thought I was in
love with each of them and told them this, but was
turned down each time with a corresponding blow to
my self-confidence. I finally just gave up on
finding a girl. For quite some time I didn't talk
to any new girls at all - only friends of mine.
I' m now 22 and still have next to no
confidence. I can't even go out to a bar with
friends or anywhere public to have a bit of fun.
I'm not particularly good looking, (I'm quite tall
and skinny looking, not muscular, and certainly not
your "James Bond" type either.)
I also lack a lot of confidence in sex.
Actually, I'm pretty freaked out it! Obviously, the
male side of me wants sex, but I'm scared shitless
about actually have it. I'm most worried about a
pregnancy and getting STDs. I also am afraid of
being able to do all the stuff I have read (I have
already made myself think I should be able to do a
lot of this stuff first time and I think I will
fail at that) and the last fear is finishing way to
As you can see I'm quite a confused and worried
22 year old that really just wants to find that
Thanks for any help.
[Note: this is a necessarily long letter,
but your question is broad. I hope you read it all
the way through with an open mind that seeks to
change and grow.]
You've obviously spent a great deal of time
freaking yourself out rather than doing what you
should be doing - studying. More on this in a
You have a large number of mistaken beliefs that
are helping to hold you back. Ultimately, you
expect to fail so you set everything up against
yourself so that you do. In effect, you've spent
your entire adult life stacking the entire deck
against yourself. Now you have nothing but a large,
up-hill battle. You've got to stop doing this to
yourself in order to begin getting it solved.
Let's look at each issue by itself:
1) You never get to "own" confidence, you only
get to borrow it. When I get a letter (daily!) from
a guy that lacks confidence, I explain to him that
it's not confidence that he lacks but education.
Consider this: if you really knew how this game was
played; if you knew which women to approach, what
to say, how to hold a conversation, how to build
rapport and connection and how to ask for a number,
do you really think that you'd lack confidence? Of
course not! You are "confident" in that which you
know well. It's that simple.
However, in your case, not only do you set
yourself up to fail by not having learned this
game, you also create an expectation of failure. In
other words, you expect to fail and therefore you
do. Worse yet, this expectation prevents you from
even trying. This comes from one source: an
undisciplined mind. You allow yourself the luxury
of imagining your own failure rather than to force
yourself to imagine only success.
This is where most people would tell you to get
over that and move on. I'm not going to waste
either of our valuable time with such nonsense.
Instead, I'm going to give you some tools you can
put into practice right now to start getting
healed. Yes, you have to get over this, but you'll
do it by retraining your mind to think how you want
First, why is this important? Here's why: you
know that you can make yourself sick by thinking
about it, right? Do you know that you can also make
yourself well? You can.
Think of your mind something like a balance
scale where you put weights on either side. The
side with the most weight will tilt down. Up until
now, you've been putting all of your "weight" on
the negative side by loading it up with not only
wrong, but dangerous beliefs! You've got to change
that around. The great thing is that all you need
is 1% more weight on the positive side to get
things going. Once you add that weight there,
you're going to see the balance start to tip. Don't
rush over to add more to the negative side however!
It's this very action that causes you to have the
beliefs you have, and it's the very thing you have
to force yourself to stop.
To stop this, I suggest you get a strong rubber
band. Carry it with you wherever you go and never
be without it. Any time you start in with the
negative beliefs such as saying to yourself that
you're "afraid of sex" or that you "fail with
women" or any such negative idea whatsoever, I want
you to take that rubber band, stretch it back
against the front of your thigh and give yourself a
good pop with it!
Let this sting for a moment, but before you rub
it, "correct" your thinking by imagining the exact
opposite of the negative thought. For instance, if
you said to yourself (even "accidentally"), "I'm a
failure with women." Then pop yourself with that
rubber band and then say, "I'm a success with
women." Add a mental image to it as well and really
feel that success. Finally rub that sting on your
thigh until it eases.
This is going to seem silly at first, but what
you're actually doing is retraining your mind with
both punishment for holding the wrong ideas (the
pain in your thigh) and reward for the right ideas
(relieving the pain). This is a powerful and direct
system that will quickly change a lifetime of
wrong-headed thinking into right-headed
You should do this with every problem you've
written to me about including the wrong ideas about
2) Sex isn't going to be a problem for you. in
fact, most people don't get someone pregnant and
don't get STD's. While the media would have you
believe otherwise, getting pregnant or contracting
an STD is extremely rare if you use protection;
i.e. a condom. The other benefit of condoms is that
they actually help you to last longer in bed! In
effect, you're solving 3 problems with one solution
- not bad, eh?
Trust me on this one (for now): the first time
you have sex, (and you WILL have sex), is going to
be far different than you imagine it will be. Thus,
you can't predict any outcomes accept one: you'll
no longer be a virgin. It's that simple. Allowing
yourself the luxury of imaging anything negative
about it is a total waste of your time because you
can't imagine its reality. If you really want to
imagine it, spend your time thinking positive
thoughts instead (use the rubber band trick as
before) and get educated about the realities of
Here are just a few of them: yes, sex can cause
babies, but if you're using protection, the
likelihood is so low as to be all but impossible.
Sex can transmit STD's, but while the fear-mongers
want you to believe that every 1 in 2 people has an
STD, it's just not the case. You don't need to
focus on these issues because they aren't going to
be a problem for you since you'll use protection
each and every time. Yes, there are risks, but your
fear of them is both irrational and unfounded.
3) You're not "failing" with women. In fact,
you're succeeding by actually learning what doesn't
work! You may have heard the story of Edison's
attempt to invent the light bulb: he tried 10,000
different materials before he finally hit on the
one that was successful. When a reporter asked him
how he could fail 10,000 times, he replied that he
hadn't "failed" at all. He "discovered" 10,000 ways
that didn't work.
It's the same with you. You've already found 5
ways of asking women out that don't work. What you
need is a short-cut so that you don't have to go
through another 9,995 things to discover the 1 way
that does work. This is where your education comes
4) Your looks have nothing to do with your
success. Most guys want to impose their own beliefs
on women. We guys often think that since we're
"look-focused" that women are too. That's not the
case. How you look isn't important. How you act IS
important. You're going to learn how to act.
Now that we've dealt with a number of your
issues, let's deal with moving forward. You need to
do the things I've told you in this letter but you
have to do the most important thing right along
with them: get educated.
We humans are very complicated creatures and our
courtship rituals are equally complicated. The good
news is that they are simply a game with
well-defined rules. You just don't know the rules!
Don't you think it's time you learned them? I sure
Go to my website and get started
(http://beingaman.com). There are a ton of
resources there that will help you with every
aspect of this game. You'll find books, CD's,
DVD's, articles and even a very active discussion
group - all dedicated to getting your mind focused
on your goal - and winning it.
Braden, this isn't going to be solved via one
email. You need some real work, but I can't think
of a better time to get started on this. If you do
these things for yourself, you're going to start
enjoying the success you deserve with women; and
trust me - you DO deserve it!
I met this girl online about 6 weeks ago and we
clicked right away. We talked via the phone and
internet for hours at a time almost every night. We
even had live video sessions with each other so
when she moved back into the area we met up face to
face and she seemed to be interested in me. She
even kissed me pretty heavily and told me to call
her. So everything was going good - or so I
I called her later and she asked me if she
scared me off and I said no so she asked me what I
was doing the next night and I said nothing so I
made plans to get together with her again and she
said it was all good. I called her after work the
next day to ask her when it would be a good time
and she said she didn't know and she would get back
to me later. I never heard from her again.
I tried calling her all weekend and kept getting
her voicemail and no returned calls until Sunday
night when she finally called and said she went
away for the weekend. I asked her why she just
didn't tell me she said "the battery on my phone
was broke." Then I asked why she didn't just use a
land line then? She said I didn't want to call
without knowing if I called first. I thought that
We got together a couple of days later and she
seemed she only wanted me around to do things for
her. She said she still really liked me, but ever
since I moved her stuff to her parent's house last
Sunday she's completely ignoring me. Now, she won't
answer the phone or my emails. I know because the
site tells me when they've been read.
So what's her problem?
Her problem is the Internet.
This sort of problem is becoming an epidemic! 20
years ago, you'd almost never heard of girls that
wouldn't return phone calls or answer their phones.
This was (and still is by the way) considered the
height of rudeness. However, having met on the
Internet, there's a totally different mindset that
many women have.
The Internet acts as a filter. You're not really
becoming interested in the person at all (although
it really seems like it.) Instead, you're falling
for the IMPRESSION that the person gives you!
Consider this: when you and she first starting
writing to each other, you had all the time in the
world to really craft your responses to each other.
You could consider every other message you received
to try to determine what responses would put you in
the best light with her. She did too.
Even the telephone works like this, but not to
the same degree. You become a "real person" when
you're right there with someone. However, if that
person's first impression of you is electronic, you
never really get this advantage.
Worse yet, without being face-to-face, you miss
tons of subtle cues that you'd otherwise pick up.
Even if you hear something that makes you question
what she's say, she can just say, "Oh, you
misunderstood me" and this is near-impossible to
argue. You can't really do that in person because
it's obvious when someone is lying.
By spending hours at a time on the phone, you
actually shot yourself in the foot by trying to
hold your dates there. That means that you've
missed all sorts of personal information you'd
otherwise have to work with. She is NOT the same
person you thought she was originally; even though
it really seems "real" it is not.
The Internet has caused her to feel
subconsciously that since she doesn't really "know"
you (as she would have if you'd met in person), she
doesn't owe you much courtesy, respect or
politeness. She instead, came to see you as someone
that could help her do a few things, she got what
she wanted and now she's trying to blow you off
because she's likely on to some other "Internet
Sorry to tell you this John, but you've been
had. It's time to move on and avoid these mistakes
in the future.
Is "Needing Someone"
I'm a 19 year-old girl and am pretty inexperienced
when it comes to relationships. I'm scared of
ending up in an unhealthy relationship like so many
of my friends claim to have been in. I don't really
know the difference between healthy and unhealthy
relationships which is what worries me.
Some of my friends have told me it's unhealthy
to be with someone who needs you too much but how
much is too much? Others have told me it's
unhealthy to need the person you're with at all in
a relationship. I don't know what to believe!
My boyfriend told me last night he loved and
needed me and it scared me. I didn't know how to
interpret it. I kept thinking does he mean he can't
live or function without me or that he simply can't
imagine his life without me?
What does it mean to need someone in a
relationship anyway? How can I tell a healthy
relationship from an unhealthy one? And is it ok to
need the person you're with? Why are break-ups so
painful? Is it because of your broken heart or
because you need that person in your life and
they're no longer there?
Thanks so much for taking the time to answer me,
I really appreciate it.
Let me set you straight here. It's not unhealthy
to be wanted - or to want someone in a
relationship. However, it's unhealthy to want
someone or to be wanted in an UNHEALTHY
Your girlfriends are simply spouting some stupid
thing they've heard on Dr. Phil or read in Cosmo.
Unfortunately, these women also don't know reality
from marketing hype.
There is a mis-belief that being independent in
a relationship is a good thing, but let me ask you
- how many of your girlfriends are in long-term,
healthy relationships themselves? None? I thought
We are a media-dominated society. Unfortunately,
people (especially young women) are picking up all
sorts of stupid, meaningless advice by those with a
greater agenda rather than learning what reality
Let me give you a dose of reality: in "healthy"
relationships, people are "interdependent" on each
other. They bring their own strengths to the table,
and willingly rely on the strengths of their
partner where they are weak. This isn't unhealthy
at all - it's the height of health!
In fact, nobody "needs" another person unless
they are very mentally and emotionally ill. These
are rare people however and frankly, you'll
probably not meet very many of them in your
What's much more common is to realize that other
people help you make you feel "whole" and that's a
good thing! If you were entirely whole by yourself,
you'd never need or want to have anyone else in
your life ever - and THAT is unhealthy too!
The fact is that others make those good parts of
us even stronger. Trying to deny that fact leads to
all sorts of unhealthy beliefs and behaviors - just
like your girlfriends' beliefs and behaviors. Take
a look at how they view their past relationships as
Your boyfriend is simply saying that you
"complete him" which is actually very healthy. You
shouldn't be freaked out about hearing that, nor
should you be freaked out about feeling it
yourself. Regardless of what your friends say or
you may hear on Oprah or read in Cosmo or even see
on TV, needing and being needed is the foundation
of any good relationship.
As to why break-ups hurt so much, it's simple:
it's because you get used to feeling "complete"
through the other person. You invest your heart -
and head - in the relationship and get back far,
far more than you put in. It's like winning big in
When that ends, you feel the loss, but here's
another important fact: that feeling of loss
eventually fades away, and you're left with only
the good feelings and memories of that person! This
is like a little gift from nature, but more
important, you get to keep that strength you gained
from having been in the relationship itself, and
invest it in another relationship later on as a
better, stronger even happier you.
How cool is that?
The Problem with Dating Farm
In his bathroom the dust and dirt has just
accumulated over the year I've known him. He
doesn't empty his garbage; even when it gets full
he just keeps throwing stuff in the pile. I've even
watched him throw something on the floor by the
garbage can because that is where the rest have
started to fall anyway.
His office is the same way. He piles the garbage
and keeps it going in a corner or something. There
were spots all over the floors where his new puppy
had peed. His counters are filthy. If he wipes them
off there is still food stuck to the surface and
grime slid across the counter (you can see where
something was and that it was tried to be wiped up
but just got smeared and then left). He doesn't
sweep his floors or vacuum. That means the dog hair
balls up all over everything. He has mentioned that
she made another mess and I just can't imagine what
he possibly did to clean it up. It makes me
He doesn't have pillow cases on his pillows so
you can see all the stains from drooling or
whatever else on the pillows so I generally don't
use a pillow and force myself not to think about
the rest of the bed. A blanket he tries to give me
when I'm cold always stinks very, very badly so I
don't use it. I make sure to be wearing an extra
layer of clothing in efforts to avoid being near
His dog was recently in heat and there are blood
stains on the floor. The stains have not been
cleaned and it's now been a week since she stopped.
He used to have cats in the basement. They pooped
and peed all over the carpet down there. It was
EVERYWHERE! It was very gross and he only recently
cleaned that out because his son moved in.
His cloths aren't regularly washed and he often
wears the same shirt over and over again.There are
many times that his cloths smell like he left them
in the washer for days then just moved them to the
dryer so they have the mildew/moldy smell to
Then there's his bad breath.
Now that you kind of have the point, what should
I do about it? I've started to avoid going to his
house and if we have to stop there quickly I wait
outside. I haven't mentioned his breath but I don't
want to kiss him like that. I sometimes avoid
getting close or standing near him. I don't know
what to do. I won't be with him much longer if this
Do I leave him? Do I stay? Do I tell him?
Man! I've heard of people that were messy, but
this guy is just a pig! There's a big difference
between someone that is just "unkempt" and someone
that is endangering the ozone layer! I fear for all
of our safety! Perhaps this guy's place is the
portal directly to hell or something! If there's
anything good about all of this, at least it's far
too filthy for rats to nest!
Ok, sorry about all the jokes - I know this
isn't funny to you!
There are a wide range of conditions that people
are willing to live in, but this guy's choice seems
rather extreme and frankly, unhealthy. I don't
blame you a bit for not wanting to hang at his
I suggest you take an escalated approach with
him. First, by this point in your relationship, you
should be close enough to be able to have quality
discussions and this is a good one. Explain to him
that you originally thought you could deal with his
lack of sanitation, but that you've come to realize
that it's a far bigger issue for you than you
thought. Then, see what he says.
There's a very big difference between not
knowing how to "fix" his present situation and
actually liking it. If he stands firm on this, you
and he might not be a very good match! Perhaps he'd
be better off with farm animals than people. On the
other hand, perhaps this is just a very bad habit
in which case, you can help him establish new, more
healthy habits if he's willing to try it.
I suggest you start by offering to help him
clean things up over a weekend. I know you're not
his maid, but consider that this is actually
"relationship management" in order to avoid
embarrassing visits by the health department. Once
you get things cleaned, help him develop a schedule
for basic things such as taking out the trash,
washing his clothes, vacuuming, etc.
Now, be aware that you shouldn't do these things
yourself! This is his job as his investment in your
relationship. He needs to develop these good habits
and may never have learned them from his
You might also suggest that he hires a maid to
come in twice a month. You'd be surprised at how
much this can help. She'll at least do the basics
every two weeks which will change his environment
Consider that you're not trying to change him
here; you're just trying to save his life ;) More
important you're trying to save this relationship.
If he digs in his heels and refuses to make any
changes, he's not the right guy for you, but even
then, I can't imagine what woman would be
The Problem: Inertia
Dear Dr. Dennis:
I've read a number of your articles where you
talk about having "game" (the ability to meet
women, get numbers, etc.) Unfortunately, I don't
have any! I'm more of a home-type person who wants
to get out and do more with life but a lot of times
I find it difficult to do. It seems that I'm at war
with myself about going out! Half of me says to get
out and go do something and the other half just
doesn't want to do anything.
Can you help me to put this war with myself on a
I call this "the problem with inertia". Inertia
about is that part of Newton's first law that
"A body in motion tends to stay in motion and a
body at rest tends to stay at rest."
"Inertia" is that tendency for a body to be at
rest or in motion. Yes, I know you didn't write to
me for a physics lesson, but it applies pretty well
here. Read on, my brother...
Right now, your inertia is to be "at rest". In
other words, you're trying to stay right where you
are because that's what you've been doing all this
time. What you need is just a little push in the
right direction. Your own mind is the very push you
In my first book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World" I talk about the importance of having clear,
written relationship goals. Many people create
goals for their lives, but don't bother doing that
for their relationships! What a mistake! Where are
you going to spend most of your time? Hopefully in
a happy, healthy relationship!
Something magical happens when you create the
right type of goals and commit them to paper. I'm
not going to get into all the science behind this
(whew!) but trust me - it exists and it works.
In effect, having these "right goals" will
program your mind into action. Being clear on what
you want, when you want it and how you're going to
go about getting it is 90% of the battle!
Most people set goals like this: they say, "I
want to meet a nice person."
That, my friend, is not a goal - it's a dream.
When was the last time a dream made you go out and
do something positive for your life? Answer: never.
That's not what dreams do! Worse yet, it's so vague
and non-specific that the very first person that
walks by becomes the "right one" because everyone
is nice! Is that all you want? I hope not - you
deserve much, much better than this.
I suggest you create clear, compelling goals.
These goals are going to spur you on to action
because that's just how our minds work. You just
need to invest a little in getting these goals
committed to paper. If you're not sure exactly how
to create these goals, check out the book as it
goes into it in great depth along with all the
things you need to consider, creating a plan of
Use inertia to your advantage by taking small
actions first. Don't let it ".keep you at
The Girl at Work
I have liked a woman at my work for sometime now.
We were out with others from work one evening and I
admitted to her how I felt after getting a little
drunk. She was perfectly sober since she was the
designated driver. At the same time, she told me
that she was also attracted to me, but that she
didn't want a boyfriend at that moment. We wound up
making out and dancing all evening.
Since then I've felt very confused. I got her
number that night but I haven't called her as I
planned to give her space due to what she said
about not wanting a boyfriend.
What I don't understand is; why did she say she
didn't want a boyfriend and then let everything
else happen and was even enthusiastic about it?
One more question - she mentioned that she
doesn't really want to date anyone from work
because of a bad experience that she had in the
past. Is that reasonable? Do you think that's why
she doesn't want a boyfriend at the moment?
Whenever a girl tells you that she "...isn't
ready for a relationship..." or "...doesn't want a
boyfriend..." big, green flags should go off in
your mind. This is actually a very good thing!
You'll instantly have your path set and all you
need to do is follow it.
What is that path? I'll explain in a minute, but
first, you need some foundation.
Here's the most important rule I can give you
about women: watch their actions - don't listen to
their words. Words are women's way of "managing"
their situations. They use words to misdirect you
away from their real intentions. This is because
women don't want to seem like they're too
interested in you because then YOU have all the
Their actions however, DO NOT LIE.
This situation is what I call the "Mini-Test".
It's an attempt by this woman to see what would
happen if she got into a relationship with you.
Would she get to be the girl, or would she have to
be the man too - because you're not going to be
him. I'm afraid that sitting back and "respecting"
her not wanting a boyfriend is the WRONG MESSAGE to
Go back and re-read that paragraph until it
really sinks in before you continue.
In my books, I talk about "Pre-Tests",
"Mini-Tests" and "The Test". These are all tools
that women have in their relationship toolkits that
men lack. You need to understand how they work
however because you're going to be Tested -
constantly. As soon as you learn how to pass these
Tests, you're going to be the man women just have
to get to know. That's no exaggeration by the
This girl was all over you. She IMPLIED what she
wanted while trying to misdirect you with words.
Women believe deep down that real men should set
the pace. They'd rather be with someone that knows
what he wants and is willing to express it - even
if it doesn't match what they THINK they want!
Consider this too: women DEFINE themselves by
their relationships just as you and I do by our
careers. If women are in good, solid, loving
relationships, they feel "successful" just as you
do when you're on a career path. How would you feel
if you were unemployed? That's how women feel when
they're not dating anyone.
Thus, you KNOW that her not wanting a boyfriend
is garbage. Of course she wants one - but she wants
a GREAT one. Can you be him? I think so!
So, she had a bad relationship at work before,
eh? Big deal! Boo-hoo! Who hasn't had bad
relationships? You're not that guy, you didn't
cause the problem and you're not worried about
having bad relationships because you and she are
mature enough to handle it - right? All you need to
do now is to express this to her.
First, you need to set up a date with her. Don't
ask her for it however; TELL HER what's going to
happen! When you see her, just walk up and say,
"Clear Saturday night, I'll pick you up at 8." You
don't even have to say why! Just tell her what you
want, be absolutely clear about it - and make sure
SHE'S clear about it too. You don't want her to
say, "Oh, I thought you meant FRIDAY night." or
something (more misdirection - see how this
Then, when you see her on Saturday, use my
"opening kiss" technique where you walk right up
and give her a big, passionate kiss right on the
lips even before you say "hello". This is going to
knock her right off her stilettos.
Next, turn on the charm, touch her, challenge
her and make her laugh. If she brings up the
boyfriend thing again, just say, "Yeah, you're
absolutely right." and then ignore it! Treat it
like she didn't even say it - because she didn't!
Her actions speak louder than her words, right?
If she brings up the work thing again, just say,
"Yeah, I know many guys and girls aren't mature
enough to handle this. It's too bad that this guy
wasn't, but you and I won't have that problem
because we're cool." Then, drop it entirely. All
you need to do is simply address her fear, tell her
that it's a non-issue and go back to having a great
My brother, as the man, you have certain rights
and responsibilities. All women want to know is
that YOU know this and you're ready to deal with
it. Then, they let down their guards and feel
relieved because they know that they're with
someone that has things handled. YOU CAN DO
Which is Best - Same or
I have a question which might sound a bit unusual
but; do relationships work best between people who
are different or people who are similar?
Actually, as with so many things, it
Obviously, it's a good idea to have some things
in common such as hobbies, nationalities,
religious/spiritual beliefs, etc., or at least have
a respect for your partner's beliefs if they are
On the other hand, there are many aspects where
opposites are far better. For example, if you're
heterosexual, being the opposite sex from your mate
I teach a number of "communication models" that
both describe and predict behaviors. In most cases
it's best for certain models to be the same. This
helps to develop rapport and connection because we
feel most comfortable with our own systems. In
other cases, it's better for the models to be
In short, there isn't an easy answer to the
One interesting thing however is that when we
first meet someone, we tend to use many different
communication systems! We do this subconsciously in
order to create that rapport and connection I
talked about earlier. However as the relationship
progresses, we often revert to the system that is
most comfortable for us - particuarly when there is
How many times have you said (or heard), "You're
just not LISTENING TO ME!!"? Probably at least a
few times. So, we tend to get even heavier into our
own communication models and re-state it over and
over again, getting nowhere.
This is the time to break out of what is most
comfortable for you and to try to expand the
communication system in order to speak to your
partner in their own model.
Understanding these models isn't particularly
difficult but there are a lot of facets to it. For
much more check out my books and website.
Husband Kicked Out of
I have been separated from my wife for 8 months
now. We have three kids, and have been married for
6 years. Arguments became a daily occurrence a few
years ago but never went beyond giving the other
the silent treatment, on occasion voices were
raised but never in front of the children.
About a year ago I think I started to notice the
gap between us. She goes to bed early 8:30 - 9:00
with the kids falling asleep in the bed maybe twice
a week and I will sleep downstairs on the couch
which was fine the first 25-30 times. After a while
I got sick of just not being able to sleep in my
own bed and our sex life is non-existent. We have
tried professional help which worked for a couple
days then back into the same old rut until our next
My ex keeps the books at our house and I work. I
knew we had a few minor debts but one night she had
done the bills and I came home from being out with
a buddy and they were out in plain sight. I found
that one of the credit cards had a balance over
$13,000!!!! My heart just dropped and I got
The day after I had saw the statement I
confronted her about it and she completely turned
everything around on me because I was still working
55-65 hour weeks 7 days a week providing food and
shelter. Finally she accused me of having an
affair! I have not been unfaithful and I never
would. It got so bad that we were screaming and she
told me to leave the house.
I did for sanity's sake and I spent the night at
my friends and went back the next day to find that
locks had been changed and a note that read "I'll
be home at 7 so you can get your stuff."
I was floored. I had no where to stay and
nothing with me. I've been at my dad's house for
the past 6 months paying him rent paying and also
paying the mortgage on the house I don't live in,
all the bills, etc., and I'm fed up with it. She
wont let me back in but hasn't decided if she wants
a divorce. I couldn't afford to get a layer to
divorce her even if I wanted to!
I get to see my kids only on days when there is
no dance class or band practice or play dates
(which is rare) but I'm not able to tuck them in a
night or see them on a daily basis really put me in
My dad recommended that I check out some on-line
chat rooms for separated/divorced people see if I
could relate and get advice, which I did. I
stumbled into this chat room and a girl messaged me
asking if it wanted to talk. I said sure and we
started sharing stories and just getting
We've been talking for 2 months through email
and most recently on the phone for the past two
weeks. I enjoy the time we have together and we've
expressed our growing feeling for each other. We
have no plans to meet as she lives a distance away
in California so I haven't brought it up.
I'm so confused as to what to do. I am not even
out of a marriage, nor am I really in it either and
I think I'm falling for some girl over the internet
and phone. If you can decipher any of this rambling
and offer any advise it would be greatly
I'm not really sure what advice I can offer you.
It appears that your (ex-)wife is on the exit plan
and is holding your house, your bills, your kids -
and your balls - hostage!
That doesn't have anything to do however with
being interested in someone else! Right now, having
someone you're attracted to is probably the best
thing that could happen to you as long as nobody
finds out! This could be used against you if you
start a divorce.
Let me throw in these little tidbits:
First, you absolutely DO NOT want your marriage
to linger much longer! If you wait too long or she
can show you've been together, for 10 years, you'll
have to pay her FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!! Thus, as
tough as it is right now, you've got to do
something right away. If you're going to get a
divorce, go get it started. Turn off the phone in
the house if you have to (they're in your name,
right?) but retain an attorney right away.
Which leads to the second point: YOU want to be
the one to start the proceedings. If you don't, SHE
holds all the cards, and let me make this perfectly
clear: she ALREADY has an advantage because she a
woman. That's the way it is. Our courts believe
that you "rented" her during your marriage and
therefore, you will have to pay for it. If you
flie, you have control of where things go. If she
files, she has all the control.
You don't know what that $13,000 bill was, but
I'll bet it wasn't to buy you birthday presents.
Only she knows what it was for, but the bottom line
is that you have neither control of it nor
knowledge of what it was. Perhaps it was to buy
someone else birthday presents? I'd suggest you
cancel any credit cards she has while keeping your
own in order to protect your own finances.
Interestingly, I think you can actually sell the
house if you wanted to - and you don't need your
wife's permission to do so! It might be a problem
showing it, but you don't have to use a key to get
in. You have just as much right as the co-owner of
being there as she does!
Lastly, as one of my attorney friends says,
"cash can't be easily traced." You can bet your ass
that as soon as she gets wind of something
happening, she's going to drain any bank accounts
you have. I'd suggest you get there first.
My brother, I'm sorry to hear you're in this
situation, but don't let it linger. Get it handled
so that you can heal and move on. Maybe you and
NY-girl can put something together, but consider
that long-distance relationships are even tougher
than what you are in right now.
The Older Woman
I'm 21 years old and this girl that I've been
talking to is turning 28 pretty soon. This girl has
been really down on the dumps with personal
problems, losing family members, etc. and we've
been keeping each other "company" if you will.
I want more than that however. I have a feeling
that deep down, she does to. But the age thing
comes up every once in a while. So what steps
should I take to try to get her to see that we
First of all, the age issue isn't an issue at
all. It's all in how you handle it. I'd suggest
that you simply ignore it entirely unless she
brings it up. If she does just say, "You know, I
don't plan to make an issue of your being older
than I am because it means nothing." In effect,
you'll have turned this around into the
nothing-issue that it is in a single sentence.
What does trouble me however, is that you've
become her friend. That's relationship death! Women
don't date their "friends" and use the
friends-label as a way of keeping you at
arms-length. If you approach her for more, she can
say, "Oh, I don't see you like that, you're my
No man worthy of this girl would put up with
that. Many men are too scared to actually approach
these girls and be something more. They actually
think they can "work it from the inside" by being
the nice guy and that somehow the girl will fall in
love with them and do all their work for them. Let
me assure you of this: that is an absolute turn-off
to women. Women don't want guys that are too much
of a pussy to tell them what they really want; and
do you really think she doesn't know what you want
I wish guys would get this figured out already.
Being her friend may very well prevent you from
ever being anything else to her. For much more on
this please read my FAQ's at my website:
http://beingaman.com and click on "self help".
As to what to do with this I suggest you make a
decision for yourself. Are you really going to be
this girl's friend or not? If not, then I suggest
that you use the "Opening Kiss" technique from my
second book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II".
It goes like this:
The very next time you see this girl, don't
hesitate even a second. Walk right up to her and
kiss her squarely on the lips. Don't make it a
little peck like you'd kiss your grandmother, make
it a really kiss! Do this before you do anything
This is going to help you in many ways,
1) You're going to discover exactly what she
thinks of you - if you're in the "friend-zone"
you'll know it right away.
2) You're going to change any possible
friendship into what you really want with her.
3) There's going to be no ambiguity of where
4) You'll come off as the strong, powerful guy
you can be and trust me, she'll be impressed.
5) By putting things out on the table, you both
can deal with them - including the age issue - and
start building what you really want.
My brother, don't do the friend-thing to
yourself. You deserve much better.
Dealing with Differences
in Sex Drives
If you've ever been in a relationship, you've
likely encountered differences between your
partner's sex drive and your own. Most people
believe that men's sex drive is far greater than
women's, but in fact, I find about an equal number
of complaints from both men and women.
Often, one partner adjusts their own sex drive
to fit their partner's over time, but if the
difference is great, this might not be an option.
For instance, if you want sex every day but your
partner only wants sex once a month, you're going
to have problems unless one of you is a really good
Don't be a Hater - be a Masturbator!
Some people believe that as soon as they enter a
monogamous, committed relationship that their - or
their partner's - masturbation should end. Even in
committed relationships, you both should still be
taking time for yourself. Some couples add
masturbation into their regular sex and this is a
great alternative to regular intercourse, but it
doesn't allow for that special "Me Time" where you
get to grow your own sexuality.
Masturbation is an opportunity to safely explore
your own fantasies - and reactions to them. This is
where you learn about yourself and the more you
know about your own sexuality, the more you bring
to the bedroom for your partner. People should
never feel threatened by their partner's
masturbation unless it directly interferes with
Responsibilities verse Expectations
Both partners in a relationship have
responsibilities to the other. All of us get tired,
feel sick or just don't have the energy at times,
but that shouldn't be a regular problem. If it is
with your partner, it's likely not "reality" but an
excuse to beg off sex due to another problem.
When you're in a committed relationship, you
have sexual responsibilities to your partner just
as you have other responsibilities. Constantly
denying - or demanding - sex from them is a sure
way to end the benefit of the relationship itself.
In effect, you have to find a compromise that works
for you both. Often, that means one partner
"getting in the mood" and the other "getting in
touch with themselves" regularly.
Why Sex Drives Wane
As relationships grow, sexual frequency often
wanes. This is a normal evolutionary part of
relationships, but doesn't have to mean their end.
This waning can be due to many factors including
stress, exercise, diet, availability,
inter-relationship problems and many other factors.
Most often these factors solve themselves over
time, but some don't.
If the problem with sexual frequency is due to
problems within the relationship itself, many
couples simply try to increase the sex. This may
work as a temporary solution, but does nothing to
fix the foundational problems. Until these are
addressed, the sex will continue to suffer in
quality - if not in quantity.
Solving the Problem
Let's be honest here - some couples are just not
meant to be together. If your sex drive is vastly
different from your partner's and you can't seem to
find a good "fit" you have very few options.
One would be for the higher-libido partner to
find another sex partner and some couples actually
choose this option. The challenges with this option
are huge and very few relationships can survive it;
but in fact, some do. Some even thrive!
Here are some less-dramatic ways to help solve
this difference in drives:
I'm constantly amazed at how many people write
to me with sex problems only to find out that
they've never communicated the issues properly to
their partners! Women are particularly bad about
this and I get letters that state, "well, he should
just KNOW!" I'm not sure how he's supposed to just
know. I guess he reads minds or something.
Communicating the issue involves more than just
speaking it; it also involves listening - really
listening - with the intent of solving this problem
just like any other relationship problem. Being the
caring, concerned, giving partner that you were
when you first met will go along way toward solving
libido difference problems.
Sometimes you have to "take one for the team" in
order to find balance and bring harmony to your
relationship. Sometimes, you have to take things
into your own hands, so to speak. These shouldn't
be the primary way the problem gets solved however.
These are periodic solutions only.
For instance, if your partner is willing to have
sex twice a week, but you prefer it three times,
your once-a-week habit is going to go a long way to
making things healthy within your relationship.
Likewise, the less-interested partner can do many
things to help! Sometimes just being present when
one person masturbates keeps you together as a
couple, but also solves the need for sex.
Quality vs. Quantity
Many sexual issues have nothing to do with
quantity at all, although that seems up-front to be
the issue. When sexual quality isn't present, many
people try to substitute quantity instead.
By taking time and making sex a priority in the
relationship, you can really focus on what both
people get from it, thus, making it much more
satisfying and gratifying. Quality sex often
reduces the need for quantity sex!
As a final option, you should always consider
counseling if you can't work things out as a
couple. Professionals are non-judgmental and have
likely been through these things many times with
many other couples. In effect, you get to benefit
from the past experience!
The bottom line is this: you and your partner
deserve a satisfying sex life together. If you're
unable to find it, perhaps you're not with the
right person. On the other hand, don't throw away a
perfectly good relationship without first getting
your bedroom issues addressed.
How Long Does Sex Take?
Dr. Neder, I need your advice.
Hi, I have been dating this girl for about 11
months. She is 22-years-old, beautiful and I guess
many men would like to have a girl like that even
though she has a 4-year-old boy of four.
In the beginning she tried to take her son with
us everywhere we went out, but I told her I didn't
like to have the boy with us every single time. She
just came from a very difficult divorce with a
violent, alcoholic husband, and her family is a
My problem is that she won't have sex yet even
though we have been dating all this time! The only
physical contact we have been in has been
non-passionate kisses. She keeps saying things have
"we have to take things slow", but I see no
progress at all! I have never waited so long in any
relationship to start the sex part so I'm pretty
She seems entirely focuses on her "many life
problems", and as you say, she's a real drama
She says she feels underestimated or like "a
sexual object" when I talk about having sex and
starts to cry. She claims that I only want her for
sex but that is not the case since we have been
going out a lot. She doesn't work but lives from
charity from her family and friends.
She also has a lot of male "buddies" and tells
me "Many rich and handsome men want to be with me,
so you are fortunate I am with you." I get pissed
off with her attitude towards me. I know that sex
isn't the most important thing in a relationship
but is still very important.
What do you think I should do?
Ok, maybe sex isn't the MOST important thing in
a relationship but its right up there in the top 3.
Would your boss be as interested in keeping you if
you only had 2 of the 3 skills he needed? I doubt
My brother, I fear you're getting played here.
It's obvious that this woman is no virgin - her son
being the proof. So, why then is she denying you
any sex or even intimacy? In effect, she holds all
the cards here and you hold none. That is never
good for any healthy relationship.
All of this crying is nothing more than
manipulation in order to prevent her from having to
give you want you want - and deserve! She plays up
the guilt and you fall right into it over and over
again. Here you are, entertaining her and her son
and being the supportive, caring boyfriend all
while she absolutely denies you what a good
girlfriend should give. Further, I'm not saying
that she doesn't get as much back from sex either!
She benefits at least as much - and maybe even more
- than you do!
Something really smells fishy here. She appears
to be with you only for the entertainment and
support you give her. She's not emotionally or
physically invested in your "relationship" and it
looks like you're just being used.
Here's what I suggest you do: tell her that you
don't care if she cries any more. You've extended
yourself so far beyond what is reasonable, you've
never treated her like a "sex object" and have
always been overly considerate of her feelings.
She's tried to keep you on a short leash, getting
whatever she wants while pushing you away, but
you've wised up. From now on, you're going to be
dating other women so that you can get the sex you
need from someone that really cares about you. She
is NOT given the same rights however! If she wants
sex, you'd be happy to give it to her.
She's also going to have to understand that you
won't be around as much as usual since you need to
spend time with someone that is concerned about you
and your needs - not just her own. Thus, this will
take time and she's just going to have to
understand and accept it until she stops being a
selfish, self-centered little child.
Sex isn't a favor that one partner in a
relationship gives to another. It's something both
partners share equally. I strongly urge you to take
a hard-stand here. You're being used and your
kindness is being exploited. That's not right and
you deserve much, much better.
Are Women More Sexual
(I'm not sure where this study was done, but I
believe it was at Harvard Medical School. I could
be wrong, but I know it was at an Ivy League Med
school somewhere in the northeast.)
Recently, a study was done where they hooked
thousands of different types of people up to
sensors and studied brain activity. I believe it
was a couple thousand woman and a couple thousand
men from all different ages, races, religions,
nationalities, cultures, income levels, etc. Then
the volunteers were showed pornography.
Well we all know almost all guys love porn, and
girls generally don't like that stuff, right?
But the results were astonishing.
They found that women's brains responded more
positively to porn and that they were more sexually
aroused than the men were.
It also showed that women were aroused by ALL
types of pornography. Straight, girl on girl, guy
on guy, sex with animals, transvestites, midgets
Yet the guys were only turned on by straight or
girl on girl porn. The other types of porn didn't
really make a difference.
And, even though the men got aroused, the men
didn't get as aroused as the women got.
WOW!!! So that's totally different than what
Oh yeah, and they are wondering if that's a
reason many gay women tend to be bisexual and gay
men tend to be only gay.
I'm rather suspect of the interpretation this
sort of "research", but I haven't seen this study
First of all, measuring the brain to establish
sexual response is highly counter-productive. The
brain responds to many stimuli in very different
ways and even differently in different people.
Measuring activity doesn't show "excitement" or
"titillation" or anything of the sort.
The traditional way to measure sexual response
isn't through brain waves at all as they are
extremely difficult to decipher - everyone's brain
is laid out in different ways! The more direct,
specific and more reliable way to measure sexual
response is by measuring blood flow to the
genitals. It's a very specific indicator of sexual
excitement. That tells me that this study wasn't
measuring sexual response at all; or if it was, it
was highly flawed.
Second, what's the point and who is making the
determination of the meaning of the results? Let me
give you an example:
A quite-famous, highly-controlled study was done
using the brain to determine what areas were
directly involved in speech: particularly, which
areas were used for vocalization and which were
used for interpretation.
The researchers found something rather
interesting - that women use about twice the brain
area for interpretation that men use.
The media quickly jumped on this with headlines
such as "Women are twice as good at interpreting
speech as men!" Seems fair doesn't it? It sure
seems to fit a desired belief - which sells
The researchers came out after this media storm
to say, "Actually, it probably doesn't mean that at
all - what it seems to indicate is that men only
NEED TO USE 1/2 the area that women need to do the
That's a pretty different result, don't you
think? You see, the lay interpretation of the
results were motivated by a particular agenda - not
science. That's why when I hear about these sorts
of studies to include interpretations that I have
to suspect the motivation behind them and the
methods used to "discover" them.
What's the assumption here? That women are more
sexual than men? Why is that important? The message
itself is totally irrelevant if that's the case!
What seems to be going on is that an agenda has
been formed (just as was yours in writing this to
me) to imply something that is extremely popular
today, but frankly, totally without merit: that
women are exactly like men; or even more masculine
than men, and that our understanding of ourselves
is wrong. This is a highly liberal social agenda
that has permeated the "woman's world" that is
western society today.
Here's what I believe about sexuality between
men and women: they are equal from the standpoint
that they affect us individually, but carry VERY
different motivations. Women aren't more "sexual"
than men, and men aren't more "emotional" than
women. We both have different traits that work for
and benefit us to thrive as a species.
Instead of trying to show study after study that
supposedly "proves" that women are "...just like
men..." or "...more sexual than men..." or
"...better than men..." (or whatever the agenda) we
should not only accept the fact that we're very,
very different, but embrace and even exploit those
differences to everyone's benefit.
The "Date Canceller"
and other Feminine Games
I've noticed a trend in my dating life that is
really starting to piss me off. It's rare for me to
make plans with a girl and to not have her try to
cancel on me or suddenly be "too busy" to keep our
date. I'm so tired of games like that. Are they
trying to see how much I want them or how much
bullshit I'll put up with?
Yes, I've been seeing more and more of this over
the last few years too. You're not alone, trust
Many women are doing this these days. It's a
weird combination of being flaky, inconsiderate and
trying to up their own value in your eyes. It comes
directly from insecurity, but regardless, it's
incredibly rude, and these girls actually think
that by doing this, you're going to have an
emotional reaction and will start to actually think
of them, thus creating greater value for them in
I know, I know, that's just fucking stupid, but
believe me, not only do I see this all over the
place, but in fact, I actually see so called
"experts" actually TELLING girls to do this! No
shit! They also tell girls not to answer the phone
when you call and to not return phone calls, etc.!
There are some great ways to counter this by the
way, but first off, remember that if some idiot
wants to play these games with you before you've
even kicked anything off, what is she going to be
like if and when you actually DO establish a
The fact is, if you fall for these games you'll
also lose value in HER eyes! No woman really wants
a guy that will put up with this crap. This is a
weak, no-skill guy and one of the reasons why these
women are pulling these games in the first place is
to weed-out the guys that will keep chasing them
(they only serve to give the girls a much-needed
ego boost) from the guys that won't put up with
this shit, (the guys she REALLY wants to be
So, you want to be the guy that won't put up
with it. The question then, is how do you do that
without coming off like a total loser?
There are a number of things you need to do:
First, be much better at setting the dates in
the first place. When you set a date be absolutely
clear on when, where, etc., and make sure she
writes it down - don't let her pull the old, "Oh,
I'll remember crap", only to have her claim she
forgot later on.
Many girls will say, "Oh, call me the day before
to confirm." Dumb guys say, "Ok" and then, when
they call, the girl doesn't answer. Instead say,
"Huh? No, we're setting the date right now. Write
it down. If you don't know how to use a calendar,
you're never going to figure out how to work me! I
don't have to time to confirm things twice."
Even if she does answer when a guy calls to
confirm, this just gives her a chance to pull some
stupid shit on you again and blow you off. "Oh! I
can't make it tomorrow, my girlfriend from New York
is in town unexpectedly and I have this emergency
with my cat and ..." Yeah, right. None of this is
true! Don't put up with it.
The second thing is when you set the date say,
"Now, let's get this out in the open. You're not
one of those dumb girls that tries to cancel a date
an hour beforehand are you? Because you need to
know that I'm busy and I need AT LEAST 24 hour's
cancellation notice of any 'emergencies'. Do you
expect some 'emergency' to come up? If so, tell me
now and we'll cancel right now."
This is going to prevent her from canceling on
you at the last minute.
Another game women play is to just not show up.
When you're waiting for them for 20 minutes and
she's not there without a call (and you need to
make sure she has and writes down your cell number
too!) she's not going to pick-up when you call
The best way to handle this is to call her and
leave the following message:
"Hello [dumb girl's name], this is
[your name]. You know we had a date today
at 8 [or whenever] and you've obviously
flaked on me without even bothering to call. That's
extremely rude and has just taken you off my list
as I know any normal [yes, use that word]
girl would have called if there was a problem. If
you're still planning on showing up late, please
don't. I'm calling another girl I want to get to
know instead. You can call me tomorrow to explain.
My number is..."
Wow! Talk about a kick in the chops! *IF* she
calls you the next day, be ready for all the
excuses in the world. Don't accept any of them. If
you do, you look like a chump and will have ended
your chances. If you don't put up with it, you'll
have just told her that you're someone of value. If
she apologizes and is genuinely remorseful, then
give her ONE MORE chance. This next time, tell her
that you're not going to go somewhere and wait
around to see if she shows. She's obviously not
trustworthy. The only way you'll go out with her
again is to pick her up at her house - and only
then, based on her telling you how she's going to
make this insult up to you.
Don't put up with this shit from women.
Getting a Girl to Date
I've been friends with this girl all through high
school but since December we have been best
friends. The past 2 months we have brought our
friendship to a new level - friends with benefits
you could say. She has been going out with another
guy for about 2 years but they were on a "break"
when this stuff happened and he is a real douche
bag to her and doesn't treat her good at all.
She always talks to me about it and we have
talked about going out but she always says that she
feels like she has to be with him because her
parents like him. The problem is that we get along
so good and have amazing times when we are
together. I just don't know what to do because she
is giving this guys another chance for the
hundredth time, when I'm sitting here waiting for
my first chance. I can't stop thinking bout
Shat should I do?
I'm going to answer your question, but I want
you to stop and think about this for a minute:
supposedly she's on a "break" and yet she's banging
it out with you? What kind of break is that? If you
ask me, it's a pretty damn disrespectful one to
everyone involved - her boyfriend AND you!
This technicality doesn't change her
relationship with this guy. In order to understand
this, go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and
click on BAM TV. Watch the video there on
The bottom line is that she's using both of you.
She goes running back to this guy that supposedly
mistreats her (and remember, you're only getting
one side of the story AND you're not exactly
uninvolved here to see both sides easily) but she
keeps you hanging on in the wings whenever she
wants something different. She knows damn well what
you're doing there by the way.
Bobby, the real problem here is you. You're in
control here if you'd just take it, but instead,
you let her take the lead out of fear of losing
her. She doesn't want that position and it's the
specific reason why she doesn't dump this guy for
Now, what would happen if you got scarce and
started dating other girls? What you fear is that
she would bond even tighter with her boyfriend. The
reality is that she would miss you and wonder why
you're not around.
Your answer to that is that you're tired of her
screwing up her life with such a loser when she has
someone like you around and since she doesn't seem
to know the difference, you're going to go find a
girl that does.
Do you think that attitude is going to get her
off the fence? Well, one thing we do know is that
the way things are now isn't working out very well
It's time to change your actions if you want to
change your situation. Even better, if you're
dating 2 or 3 other girls, you're not really going
to care very much about what she does anyway!
Help! I Lied to My
My girlfriend of two years sent me a nice email
while I was working. I saw it, read it, and then
did not respond as I wanted to get back to work and
didn't think anything of it. When I finished
working, she had texted me asking why I had not
responded. I told her that I had just read it, and
that it was nice. She had looked in my email (to
make sure it had sent) and saw that I had read it
many hours before. She confronted me on it and told
me that it is hard for her to trust people, and
that she doesn't know if she can trust me any
I feel terrible and apologized many times, but
am not sure what else I can do. Any ideas?
Wait a minute here. First of all, what in the
hell is she doing going through your email??? That
is your PRIVATE email and she has no business going
through it any more than you have going through
hers. Change your password right now!
Second, you lied to her? Big fucking deal!!! Do
you honestly think she hasn't lied to you? Come on
already! Here's the reality: EVERYONE, BUT EVERYONE
lies. It's an ingrained part of our communication
systems. EVERYONE does it! Anyone that claims they
don't is a damn liar!
For her to try to hold you to some unreasonable
standard as to have to make up for her feelings
being hurt by someone else is pure rubbish - made
only the worse by you accepting such a ridiculous
responsibility! You're not her therapist; you're
her boyfriend, (right?)
You've already apologized and that's that. Now,
you need to go to her and ask her what in the fuck
she's doing checking up on you and what you say.
You were busy - that's it! It's not a big deal and
you simply tried to find the most expedient way to
deal with the issue which was to lie. BIG FUCKING
DEAL!!! Nobody died. Nobody was sent to jail.
Nobody's Christmas was ruined. Sheesh!
Tell her to let it go already and that you're
not going to be responsible for making up for all
the hurts of her past. If that's what she's looking
for - total and complete honesty - she's going to
wind up being one very sad, very lonely lady.
And YOU stop being such a pussy and putting up
with all of this nonsense! It's time to man-up here
my brother. Stop feeling terrible and stop
apologizing or you're going to lose this girl. She
needs your strength, not your weakness and
A Woman's View of "The
I have been working on putting together a few
work shops for women on how to attract the kind of
man they desire so naturally I have been doing my
research on how the other side goes about this.
From a woman's perspective, you are 100% on target.
Just reading what suggestions you have given men
about passing the "tests" I suddenly realized THAT
was exactly what I was looking for, a man who could
pass these tests.
I can say truthfully, we women (most of us
anyway), do not specifically plan and execute these
tests as pre-planned events, they just sneak up on
us as a subconscious way of weeding through the
wimps to find that one real man who we all want to
believe still exists out there.
Ok to my question: so where do we women go to
find men who actually understand these
Nothing is less appealing to us than to have to
educate a man on how to be a man. I have actually
given a few men clues! I said several times "I will
test you and do not fail." When they ask what the
test will be I usually have said something along
the lines of "well it will be something that shows
me if you are a man in control or not. Do not allow
me to take control." This is of course after they
have given me an indication that perhaps they will
let the test go right over their heads.
At this point, I usually know it's too late for
them but always the optimist, I held out hope they
may surprise me and step up. So far they haven't
I believe there are many great men out here that
just need to learn what you are teaching them. To
bad this wasn't a required course in high school...
many people would be in happy lasting relationships
now if it had been.
Now I want to teach them this as they grow up
and I want to find a real man as I simply won't
settle or less.
Thank you Dennis for what you are doing for the
male population and for society in general, this is
what has been lacking since the 70's.
Thanks for your comments. It's particularly
heartening to hear that you accept "The Test" for
what it is. You'd be surprised at how many people I
explain this phenomenon to that simply don't want
to believe it. Of course, when we start getting
deeper into it, it becomes obvious that it's
happening - by the very women that claim it doesn't
The Test (and it's younger cousins the
"Pre-Test", the "Mini-Test" and the "Test by
Proxy") are all subconscious actions with the same
primary goal: to determine which men will actively
build the kind of relationships for themselves and
their girls that you girls ultimately need to feel
safe and secure. Let's face it; you'll never feel
love unless you first feel this security.
I go into these in great depth in my own
seminars, books and recordings as I believe they
are the most important lesson for guys to not only
hear, but to fully understand. You'd be surprised
(or then, maybe you wouldn't) to learn how many
guys reject the concept outright - or simply don't
want to believe it. It's so foreign to men's own
reactions that they don't want to see it in anyone
Interestingly, I have never met anyone that
actually told the men she dates that she gives
these tests however! I think that is a fascinating
study in and of itself! I'll bet you're either so
frustrated with men that can't pass these tests
(let alone recognize them) or you're just this
generous. In either case, you must be amazingly
I also agree with you - men today (even older
guys) just don't know about these Tests and choose
to sit back and do nothing about them. Trying to
reach these guys is a monumental task, but we're
trying every venue possible from my website
(http://beingaman.com) to my books, CD's, DVD's,
seminars, articles, these answers and our new show,
BAM! TV (http://beingaman.tv).
Interestingly, on the flip side, you girls do a
lot of damage to yourselves in order to find the
guys that organically understand Tests. A good
example is all the women that look for and actually
date jerks (all while claiming they don't! How
Indeed, SOME jerks understand the Test, but most
don't. They are simply assholes that don't know any
better. These guys are even tougher to educate
simply because they're arrogant; but arrogant
without a purpose.
Some male archetypes that are more likely to get
- Political and community leaders
- Sports figures
- "Old money" types
- Think-Tank Intellectuals
...but this is still a crap-shoot as not all the
men in these areas are clear either. It's just that
there is a higher percentage.
I wish I had a better answer for you, but the
reality is, there are very few male roll models
today that men can draw from to learn these skills.
The worst news is that women are the ones that are
suffering the most because of it.
Hello. My boyfriend wants me to visit him every
evening. When I'm there, his idea about spending
ideal time together is watching sports on TV. I
don't like sports so I get very bored. How could I
make our time together more interesting for both of
I recommend that you two get a "couple's hobby".
This is simply something that neither of you have
ever done before, but that you're both interested
in. Then, you get to start at the same place.
This will give you something new that you both
can get exited about and share and grow together
through. You can even get involved with
organizations that are built around that hobby and
meet other friends that share the same interests.
What you're effectively doing is building an entire
community through just doing something fun.
Your boyfriend needs to understand your lack of
interest in sports and also needs to understand
that your relationship needs to be built on more
than his interests here if he wants to keep you.
Really, how long could this possibly last? It
sounds pretty boring to me.
Getting My Man to
Last year, I met a 36 year-old man (I am 45) and
when we instantly connected. We met through a
dating site. He picked me up at home and the rest
is history. He knew I was falling for him and began
He travels a lot with his job but I wasn't used
to how to handle a long distance relationship. I
started feeling rejected when he didn't call or
visit as frequently as I wanted, so I went to a bar
and met someone (we ended up living together for
about 6 weeks) and I used this relationship to try
to open his eyes to bring us closer. It just tore
us apart as it was more out of spite than real love
for the guy I lived with.
I broke it off with the live-in guy and came
back to my home, but it was too late, the damage
had already been done, and my guy was not happy
with me at all. I have been trying to get him back
ever since and we have been communicating and
working on things, and have been seeing each other,
on and off then, but if I see him once or twice a
month I'm lucky. We usually just text message each
other and talk on the phone once a week.
He came to my house last month and we made love,
but then I saw his profile back on the dating site
and told him that he could not come to my house
loving on me and wanting to date the whole world at
the same time. He told me he was just not ready to
settle down, so I cut him off from sex. I wasn't
intending to be mean, but I needed to stand up for
my own morals and values. It is too painful knowing
while he is making love to me, that he might be
carrying on with someone else too. I just can't
deal with that.
Now, it seems that since we are friends until he
is ready to make up his mind and decide to become
exclusive with me. He seems to respect me much more
this way and responds to my text messages within
minutes when before he wouldn't respond at all. We
make each other laugh and smile and cut up a lot
more now. I really believe we are helping each
other to bridge a very painful gap. He knows I am
not seeing anyone because he is the only one for
me. We also give each other the space we need. I do
not harass him by calling or texting all the time.
I try to choose my call times very carefully so as
not to overdo it, and it seems to be working.
So, how can I get him to commit exclusively to
me within the near future? I love him very much and
he is truly the only one for me. I know there is no
sure fire way to guarantee anything, but you're a
man, so how do I do it? Please help!
You have so many challenges here and so few
opportunities, that I just don't see this working
out well for you. I'll try to help and guide you,
but you need to understand that the likelihood of
getting what you want is very, very low. I'm not
trying to burst your bubble, but I want you to have
some reality in your life. I'm not in the "blowing
smoke up your keester" business.
First of all, let's get this clear: cutting him
off from sex is as much to punish him as it is to
deal with your after-sex insecurities. I want you
to understand this because it will be poignant in a
Second, by far your biggest problem is with the
long-distance relationship thing. Here's the
reality: LDR's NEVER work out. That's the fact.
Before you go any further, please go to my website
(http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video on
LDR's under BAM TV. Go ahead and do it now, I'll
Ok, did you watch it? Now you understand what
you have working against you. This guy isn't
emotionally tied to you. Further, every single
emotional event in his life - or yours - continues
to confound and frustrate you both as neither of
you can be there for the other - to share or to
offer support. What you're actually doing is
building a "foundation of frustration" by trying to
continue this! He's already replaced his emotional
need for you with his need to NOT be frustrated by
it all. Do you get that?
Third, as intense as everything seemed in the
beginning, I'll bet that was built artificially
because of having met on the Internet. You've
already discovered why that happens from the video.
It's just that he's already come to that
realization and you haven't. You're even holding
off "fixing it" by not dating anyone else in hopes
that he'll rise to the occasion. Really, how can
that ever happen?
Fourth, your plan to deny him sex only continues
to work against your agenda - and in favor of his
to not commit! Here's the reality: healthy, loving
relationships have a healthy, loving sex life. In
fact, even bad marriages will continue to stay
together if the sex is incredible. On the flip
side, I've seen few marriages survive terrible sex
lives. Think about that. What you're doing is
denying him the one thing that would keep him
around; and you're doing it as much for punishment
as for self-preservation! Of course things are less
stressful now! There's no implication of anything
further on his part! He's no longer beholden to you
for your feelings, for your emotions, etc., because
you've turned him away for in the primary means you
have to keep him. That's not a very smart plan.
With all of this taken together, your chances of
actually building the relationship you want is
pretty damn slim. I wish better for you, but I'm a
If you want some advice on how to get him to
commit to you, here it is:
First of all, if you can't sleep with him out of
your own needs, then at the very least, blow him
every single time you see him! Think about this for
a minute: when you and he see each other, don't you
think that you're generating all sorts of sexual
energies together? Of course you are. It's that
sexual energy that men use in order to become
emotionally attached! Thus, what you're doing is
sending him away - and into some other woman's arms
- with all the sexual tension YOU'VE created! Now,
how stupid is that?? Answer: it's WAY, WAY stupid!
Don't ever let this guy leave you with his trigger
Another reason why you don't want to do this is
that your "relationship" (not a real one, I'm
afraid) is all about frustration. Now, you want to
add even MORE frustration to it? Please don't do
this. You're far better off NOT seeing him than to
see him and continue to build more and more
frustration between you.
Another thing you need to consider is exactly
what he wants in his life. He's out of town a lot,
but that doesn't mean he wants to be alone. Your
"electronic romance" isn't much of a substitute -
just more frustration. You need to find a way to
build the closeness between you while at the same
time discovering what it is that he needs in order
to trade his freedom for a commitment with you. Go
back and re-read that sentence until it really
sinks in. Men's view of commitment is very
different from women's. Whereas you see commitment
as security, fidelity, future, success, love, etc.,
we see it as loss of choice, loss of freedom,
stress, responsibility, etc.
What you have to do is to discover exactly what
he needs in order to take on these negative things.
In other words, what things are so important to him
that he'd willingly take on all of this to get it.
Then, all you need to do is to become that woman to
him. It's really that simple.
I hope that gives you what you're looking
Learning to Climax During Intercourse
Dear Dr Neder
I have a sexual problem. I enjoy having sex, but
it seems I never reach orgasm. It's really
bothering me because I can reach orgasm only by
stimulating the clitoris, but when I am having sex
with my boyfriend it just doesn't happen. Could you
tell me what can I do?
First of all, this isn't exactly the problem it
seems to be. I'll explain that in a minute.
Do you know that 2/3's of women are just like
you? They can't reach climax from intercourse alone
either! This isn't odd at all. In fact, not only is
your sexuality much more complicated than men's but
your sexual anatomy is more complicated too.
While having an orgasm during sex is a great
thing, it shouldn't be your specific goal. Instead,
your goal should be to have a great, satisfying sex
life in whatever form it takes. Let's say that
while you don't know how to climax (yet) from sex,
but your man gives you some glorious orgasms orally
or manually either before or after having sex with
you, is that a bad thing? Absolutely not!
Sex is about connection and communication as
much as it is about the relief of sexual tension.
All of the things combined together make it more
than just the orgasm alone.
That's not to say however that you absolutely
can't climax during intercourse however, but you
may need to go about it in a somewhat different
way. Your own masturbation is they key.
I hope you masturbate regularly and often. It's
important for many reasons from improving your
overall health to letting you explore your
sexuality in a safe, private way. Just as
important, it's a ton of fun!
HOW you masturbate is just as important however.
Some women use just their fingers; some use
vibrators, some use the bathtub faucet or shower
massager, some rub against pillows or blankets,
etc. There are tons of ways for women to
Now, let's say that you introduced that
masturbation into your sex. Obviously, you can
masturbate to climax by yourself, but what if you
were to masturbate while your lover is inside of
you? For instance, let's say that you masturbate
with your fingers or a vibrator. You can include
this during sex! The best way is for you to
position yourself with your shoulders on the bed
(or floor or wherever) with your ass in the air.
Your lover enters you from behind and you can
either rub your clit or use your vibrator at the
This may take a little practice, but trust me;
you'll start having climaxes while you're having
sex. Even more important, you'll actually be
training your own mind that intercourse equals
orgasm. Some women are able to learn to cum simply
through intercourse with this technique.
This can even become a game where you and your
partner go out and find the perfect toy to use.
There are many different ones from straight
dildo-like vibrators, to the "pocket rocket"
(something I believe all women should carry in
their purses!) to vibrating cock rings. You can
explore all of these fun toys as part of your
sexual experience. This is [pun intended]
Whether you do or not isn't really the point
however. Having a fulfilling, healthy, happy,
exciting sex life IS. Don't obsess on when or how
you cum - just cum and love doing it!!!
Getting Oral Sex
I'm sure you've been asked this question before.
My girlfriend does not want to perform oral sex on
me. Is there a way I can get her to change her
mind? I mean, ever since the day she told me, I've
been fine with it. I told her I had no problem with
it. And she doesn't know that I feel this way. I
much rather have her do it than not do it. So is
there a way to get her to change her mind at
You bet there is.
First of all, you need to come clean about your
desire for oral sex. Since you've told her
otherwise (in effect, lying to her) she doesn't get
the opportunity to deal with her own issues
Explain to her that you knew (or sensed) that
she wasn't into it and; rather than creating an
issue around it, you chose to tell her a little
white lie. Now that you're relationship is going
well you want to start expanding up your sexual
scope to include other fun sex like oral sex,
You should also explain to her that while it's
not a deal breaker, you want more variety in your
sex and that you'll help her learn to be really
good at it. More important, it'll be fun!
At the same time, get her to talk about what
she'd like to see more of too. Just as you grow
your relationship to be closer and better, you need
to focus on doing the same thing with your sex
As I constantly tell people, bad relationships
that have great sex will continue to survive, but
good relationships with bad sex almost always
It's important to have your needs met and to
meet hers as well. Therefore, don't stop at telling
her what you want, you also need to know what she
wants too. This is a good time to start expanding
your sexual horizons!
One way to do this is to start talking about
your fantasies. She may be uncomfortable at about
at first, but as soon as she knows you're sincere
and that you aren't going to judge her based on
this, she'll start to open up to you. This gives
you some new material to really ramp-up your sex
life, but even more important, will help you to
really bond and become closer.
A Dearth of Dates
I am 30 years old and have never been on a date.
I had very bad anxiety because of my obsessive
compulsive disorder. It's not as bad now, but I
don't have much experience talking to people. I
talk to people at work and they want to help me,
but I fear I am not experienced enough. I don't
drink, dance, smoke or do drugs. I don't go to
clubs or bars or anything. All the places I go seem
pretty boring to others when I think about it and
it's hard for me to want to go anywhere else. I
have no idea what to do.
First of all, open the lid to the box you've
created for yourself and get some air!
More than half of your question was telling me
about all the things you don't do. What about the
things you DO do? What you're doing is creating all
sorts of mental barriers to having what you want
rather than seeing all the opportunities that you
This is where we need to begin - by changing you
from a "move away" type of person to a "moving
toward" type of person. In other words, by focusing
in what you don't do; don't have; don't want, etc.,
you're pushing your own life away from you.
Frankly, that's entirely the wrong focus here. What
you want to do is to focus on specifically what you
do what, what you do like, etc.
You see, great women are all over the place.
Every time you go out to grab a bite to eat, go to
the bookstore, go fill your car with gas, go to the
doctor or even go to work - you see great women
there. These are your "opportunities". The only
challenge you face is that you don't have enough
experience or security in order to meet these
This has been a pattern for 30 years of your
life. How has that worked out for you? Is it
getting you where you want to go? Are you happy
with the results? Obviously, you are not. You know
there is more out there for you and you want to
have that. I want you to have that too. So, what
separates you from having what you want? Answer:
two things: attitude and education. That's it!
Seems overly simple doesn't it? Well, it's not.
We start by changing your attitude from "can't",
"won't", "don't" to "can", "will" and "do". This is
the beginning of everything, and is based on pure
belief-science. In fact, it works for you just as
it does everyone else. It's time to start seeing
the possibilities here.
You should also understand that you're not alone
here. I get letters every week from guys (and girls
too!) just like you that are in their 20's, 30's,
40's, 50's and even 60's that have never been on a
date or even kissed someone else! These people can
change their lives and so can you. You simply have
to believe it's true so that you start seeing
opportunity all around you rather than limitations.
The only limitations you face are within those 6
inches between your ears.
Now, on to the next part, the education.
Let's say that you knew exactly what to say to
some woman you thought was cute. Then, when she
responded (well by the way - people are generally
interested in meeting and talking with other people
they find interesting) you could respond equally
well and with confidence. Do you think you'd have
trouble talking to women - or anyone for that
matter? Of course not. It'd almost be easy, even
That's the way this evolution happens. You begin
your education by learning some simple facts about
us humans. One of the most important is this:
everyone is most interested in just one thing:
themselves. Armed with that knowledge, all you need
is to talk about your targets (the woman you want
to approach) favorite subject: herself!
I'm getting a little ahead of myself however
because before you start talking to her about her,
you first need to find and approach her, right? As
I've already said, this is actually pretty easy
too. Great women are everywhere! You just have to
be outside your own home to meet them. Next comes
the approach. How do you actually strike up a
conversation with someone? I teach a thing called
"context". It's very simple. All you have to do is
to ask yourself, "what do her and I have in common
at this very instant in time at this very place?"
It could be the fact that she likes sub sandwiches
(sandwich shop), or reads fiction (bookstore) or
owns a car and needs to have new tires put on it
(tire shop), etc. It could even be the weather or
the fact that you both live in the same city. In
fact, the context doesn't really even matter! It
can be absolutely anything!
Once you start the approach, you learn to ask
open-ended questions in order to get her talking
and by doing so, you begin to establish rapport and
connection (using communication skills that you'll
learn) which leads to attraction. Finally, you
close for numbers or even impromptu dates. It all
seems very simple, because it is!
The trick however is to learn all of these
skills just like you learn to do your job. Which is
more important to you? Obviously you have to work
to survive, but you have to love to really live! I
suggest you get started right away on building this
new knowledge base. Go get copies of my books,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and get
started with your education. You've already spent
30 years not knowing all of these things. Why not
spend the next year building that knowledge so that
you can spend the next 30 years exploiting it?
Interviewing For the
Love of Your Life
You probably had to interview in order to get your
job. This interview process is an extremely
important part of being hired because it tells the
employer many things about you - how well you think
on your feet, how well thought out your answer to
questions are, how you present yourself, etc.
Passing the interview is the key to getting the
Have you ever considered interviewing (or being
interviewed for) the next love of your life? It's
an interesting question when you consider that the
interview is really the first 4-5 dates!
Most first dates last between 1 to several
hours. That's very long interview in anyone's book!
How well you do here can make or break the future
relationship. Your entire perception of the other
person is going to change dramatically during this
time. Trust me on this one - they always do.
Let's talk about how to conduct the first dates
(interviews) to determine what you want to know
about the other person - and how to interpret what
you learn - as well as how to be interviewed.
1. You need goals! This is the most important -
and the most often missed - aspect of the first
dates; let alone, relationships. You need to know
what it is that YOU want! If you don't know, (and
by "know", I mean know specifically), then you're
not going to have the information you need in order
to make good decisions about this person.
Yes, I know that if you've read many of my
articles, you also know that I harp on having
written relationship goals. This is the single most
important thing you can do to get exactly what you
want. As I constantly say, if you don't know what
you want, then the very first person that walks by
is the right one because they fit exactly what
you've asked for.
Don't make the mistake so many people make and
just leave this up to impressions only. Sure you
want to have a good impression of this person (and
to leave one of yourself), however, many people go
on dates thinking that if this person doesn't WOW
them, they aren't the right one. That's foolish!
Not everyone makes a great first impression.
On the other hand, if you know what you're
looking for, not only can you ask your date about
these issues, you can also apply answers to them
before you even ask! Many people will volunteer
great information about themselves that you can use
instead of specifically asking. You'll already know
to be listening for these things and will recognize
them when you hear them.
2. Determine what's important. One of the most
difficult aspects of the first dates is to separate
what is real information out from what is not.
People on first dates want to present themselves
in the best light. They want to seem confident,
bright, funny (and fun), positive, interesting,
etc. They are also usually nervous. This
nervousness can cause many people to overstate
their accomplishments, beliefs, goals, history,
I can't tell you how many times I've heard women
say (or received letters from my readers stating)
things that are totally contrary to what I already
know she wants. For example, she might mention
during one part of the date how "independent" she
is (which I've written a large amount on my
website; the "Independent Woman Syndrome":
http://beingaman.com) only to find out later that
she's never even been on her own!
Another thing I often hear on a first date is
something like, "I just love being single" as
though that's her goal. How ridiculous is that? If
a woman really wants to STAY single that's fine,
but she isn't likely to make good relationship
material. Likewise, going on dates isn't a very
good way to remain single.
The point of this is that many contrary things
are said during dates and you have to learn - or
glean - what is real information from what is
misdirection. The simple way to do this is to just
bring it up again later on in the conversation. If
your date really feels this way, their answer will
be the same every time you ask.
3. Work it into the conversation. You don't want
a date to seem like an interview. If you just
rapid-fire questions at your date, it's not going
to be very much fun for either of you. The point of
these first dates is to get to know someone and to
establish rapport and connection.
The best way to do this is simply to listen to
everything said. When you touch on a subject that's
important to you (again, based on your goals), you
can ask more about that topic. I've included a
short list of topics that you will want to ask
about later in this article.
At the same time, you can also let your date
know more about you and your goals too. You
shouldn't just unload on someone; and trust me,
I've seen this happen often! The point of a date
isn't to simply take one breath and see how many
words you can spew with it. It's a give and take
process. You get some information and you give some
information as part of the exchange.
4. Review the answers. You probably didn't get
every one of your questions answered, in fact, I
hope you didn't! One or two dates probably aren't
enough time for you to know everything you want
about the other person.
In order to save time, many people will
extrapolate certain things said into other areas.
Women are particularly notorious about this. For
instance, if a man says that he's looking to settle
down, she might interpret that as the fact that
he's boring. Obviously that wasn't what was said,
and women have to really watch themselves to not
read too much beyond what a man says. Likewise if a
man says that he wants an "exciting relationship",
she might take that to mean he's looking to date
lots of women and is a player.
Experience information (such as past
relationships) can really help you understand how
someone views their own future. These become
examples of what you can expect, but you should
look beyond what is said into what they really mean
by asking them specifically. If what was said
doesn't make sense, why not ask them to clarify or
even to give examples?
5. A basic interview template. Are there basic
things you want to know about another person? You
bet there are! If you combine these things with
your goals, you'll have everything you need to make
a decision about the person. Here a simple list of
things to ask:
- What are you looking for in the near future?
(a relationship, fun, casual dating, etc.)
- Tell me about your last
- Why did it end?
- What would you do differently next
- How about your long-term future?
- What things do you look for in a
- .and my personal favorite: What do you think
that YOU bring to the table that makes you a
6. After the date. After you end the date, you
should reflect on what things were said and how
they apply to your goals. This lets you see how the
person fits with what you want. If you didn't ask a
question, that's fine - you now have a good reason
for another date. Likewise, if you didn't
understand the answer to something, you can always
ask again later.
The Magic of the
Have you ever seen a magician at a party walking
around doing close-up magic? Everyone seems
fascinated by it even if the magician
isnt that good. There are probably just as
many people hoping the performer will flop as those
that are fascinated by it.
This brings me to an interesting way to approach
women by using magic.
Many guys will hang around an old haunt looking
at all the great women come and go, but will never
actually approach them. If they do approach
someone, its usually after having watched her
for quite a while, built up their courage (or drank
enough of it) and then they approach. These guys
also often fail simply because they dont have
a good ice-breaker or any real game for that
The benefit of learning a few magic tricks is
that it both gives you a reason to approach someone
and acts as the ice-breaker, all at once. It
doesnt even matter if youre good at it
or not! Most people will feel badly for you if the
trick doesnt go well and let you off the hook
saying, Well, at least you tried!
In fact, you did. Thats the point of this
approach. You put yourself out there and took a
small risk. If you remember my article from last
week, The Three Keys to the Approach,
youll remember how important it is to stay
positive, confident and upbeat all while putting
yourself out there.
Whats really great about this approach is
that its the trick itself that is out
there not you. Further, you dont
have to risk much as most everyone is interested in
watching. You can approach individual women or
groups of people it doesnt matter.
Im not going to get into a bunch of magic
tricks here as there are many good books on the
subject. You can just learn a few fun ones and use
them to approach anyone, anywhere.
Of course the magic is only the ice-breaker. You
then need to be able to carry it somewhere. You
cant just make a coin disappear and then ask
for a phone number! That is a good way to make your
Instead, you have to establish some rapport once
youve broken the ice, but at least the ice is
now broken and the transition should be much
easier. Keep in mind that you can also use a few
magic tricks to build the rapport after the
approach. Once you start talking to someone and get
the ball rolling, throwing in a couple of magic
tricks is a fun, safe way to draw in your
The Three Keys to the Cold
Do you find it difficult to approach women you
don't know? Most guys do so don't feel alone. I'm
going to give you the three keys that'll make the
cold approach easy, fun and very, very
Key #1 - Practice talking to everyone,
If the only time you try to talk to strangers is
when you want their phone numbers, it's going to be
very difficult to be calm and confident. In the
back of your mind, you're going to be thinking that
you want something from them. Thus, you're going to
On the other hand, if you get used to talking to
people everywhere you go, talking to a woman you'd
like to get to know better will seem easy and even
common. Just imagine how much confidence that will
create in you! You'll instantly know that you can
talk to any woman anywhere.
Unless you spend your entire life behind a wall,
you have to come in contact with people and every
opportunity should be another chance to practice
this valuable skill. You can begin by just saying
"hello" and making eye contact if you feel
uncomfortable with full sentences, but don't stop
Learn to think in terms of "context".
Specifically, what about the current situation
gives you something in common with others around
you? It might be some past experience, a humorous
idea, an opinion or a situation. In fact, it
doesn't even matter! Just say it!
It also doesn't matter if you fall flat on your
face! That might seem embarrassing, but let me give
you an example. One time I was standing in the isle
of a store and there was this cute girl standing
about 30 feet down the same isle. I walked up to
her and said something (I don't even remember what
it was!) and she just looked at me in horror!
After a shocked moment, I looked at her and
said, "You know, that sounded much better in my
head than it sounded when it left my lips!" She
broke out laughing - both to ease the tension, and
because it was funny.
Get used to talking to people everywhere, every
day, starting today.
Key #2 - Be positive, upbeat and
You can't be upbeat every single day of your
life - or can you? Just like practice in talking to
people, you can also practice being upbeat and
enthusiastic. Listen to music that really gets you
moving or think back to a time when you felt
totally in control and powerful. Create these
feelings in yourself by practicing them everyday.
You want to be able to pull from this whenever it
works for you.
It's fun to be upbeat and it comes through in
everything you do. When you talk to others and are
enthusiastic and engaging, they will often respond
to you in like kind. Let me give you an
I was in a bank one time and finally walked up
to the teller after being in line for over 30
minutes. When I walked up, the cute teller behind
the window said in her
voice, "How are you today sir?" Her eyes were
almost lifeless as the words left her lips.
With a smile on my face and looking her square
in the eye, I slapped the counter in front of her
and said, "It's the best damn day of my whole
life!" Her eyes widened and the color almost
instantly returned to her cheeks along with one of
the most beautiful smiles I'd seen all day.
"Oh really? Why is that?" she asked. I said,
"Just because it's a great day. I even met you
today. How great is that?" Her smile grew even
bigger and she even seemed to forget why I was
there. "Wow, what a great attitude you have!" she
We conducted our banking business, but she
didn't want to seem to let the moment go. So I
said, "Hey, I know - give me your phone number and
let's have a drink sometime. Here, write it on my
deposit receipt." She did, and I dated her for over
Enthusiasm is a powerful tool!
Key #3 - If you do these things, women will
often do your work for you!
Dwell on these images of positive enthusiasm,
confidence and power - they will quickly become
part of you. When you feel this way, you also show
it outwardly. This just seems to draw people to
Women are especially tuned to this. When you
stand out like this you tell everyone around you
that you're not afraid or timid or lacking in self
worth. After all, if you're willing to prove it by
your outward nature, you must have a lot more
behind it - right?
So many women are tired of the
"just-walks-through-life" kind of men they meet
that when they see a guy like you that is actually
happy, you just stand out. Like moths to a flame,
these women will often seek you out just to find
out why you're so upbeat.
Of course, they also know that it's your job to
close so you need some skills behind you as well,
but don't be surprised if women seem strangely
attracted to your new upbeat persona and will want
to talk to you.
Have I Been
I was wondering if you could give me some
feedback on this situation I find myself in. I'm a
30 year old guy with 2 children, both under 10. I
have been with my wife twelve years. She cheated on
me when we first got together (I was 19) with an
ex-boyfriend. We already had a 1-year-old child by
that time, so I forgave her.
She always wanted to go out and party with her
friends as she was also only 19. I said no but she
ignored me and would go out anyway. I finally left
for two weeks but she wanted to talk and asked me
to come back (actually, she threaten me with
killing herself) so I agreed only to find out that
she had slept with someone else while I was gone.
This took a few years to finally calm down.
After that she didn't go out again until about 2
years ago when I went to university and thought we
had built up trust again. She would go out with her
friends from work, while I would sit at home with
the children worrying. She would often come home
and blatantly state how men were dancing with her
and how they had kissed her but it meant nothing
and excused it away as her just being flirty. She
said loved me and would never jeopardize the
Over Christmas she went out with a friend to a
local pub and told me the day after that she had
slept with someone and that she didn't know why.
All she could say was you were to busy with your
work, but she wanted to sort it out. We have been
arguing about it up until last week when she says
that she wants a fresh start and asked me to
I saw my kids last Sunday and she was very cold.
Monday I received a text message saying she was
seeing a guy I knew from the local pub and moved
him into our house. I went and tried to talk to her
and was told to go away in no uncertain terms. This
guy has moved in 3 days after me leaving!
I was just wandering what's going on here? Any
insight could help greatly.
Here's what's going on: you're a pussy. You
allow any damn thing your cheating, abusive wife
wants and now she finally got totally fed up with
it and has decided to move on with her life. Only
NOW are you asking for advice?
After 11 years of this what do you expect? You
let her go out on her own, partying, dancing,
cavorting and having any tryst she wants to have
with any guy that is in the same 100 meters of her.
She cheats and then throws it in your face because
she knows you'll just take it. You constantly take
her back and when she doesn't seem like she wants
that, you beg.
What kind of example do you think you're setting
for your children? Yes, she is too, but she didn't
write to me - you did.
I know that you didn't expect me to have me
pound on you, but frankly, nobody else has, and
that's exactly what you need right now. Your wife
has been asking (begging, really) for you to stand
up and be the man in the house; to take control,
tell her and the family how things are going to be
and to stop just putting up with it. What have you
done? You've given in to everything and anything
she wants and now you're surprised that she has
found some new guy (that she hopes will be the man
you haven't been) and has replaced you both in your
own house and in the eyes of your children.
My brother, you're headed straight for a
divorce. The UK isn't any kinder to fathers than
the US is, and you'd better see this coming right
now. What you do over the next few days is going to
be the deciding factor here. I strongly urge you to
seek a good divorce lawyer right now - don't be
blindsided by this - be proactive instead. (Don't
be surprised if empties the bank accounts next.)
Then, talk to your attorney and plan to file. Right
now, you have some clothes and she has EVERYTHING
ELSE. The court isn't likely to make her give you
any of it, nor are they going to insure you even
get to see the kids, so you need to fight for what
For once in your married life, please get some
backbone and handle this! If you don't, she's going
to handle it for you and you're not going to come
out even - trust me on this!
I Feel Like I've Been
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4
years. We have lived together for 2 years and we
get along fine. We have our times but not many of
them. I do everything for him: cook, clean, and
everything else a wife would do.
I love him very much but I want to start a
family. I don't mean have kids right away, but for
it to be just him and me for awhile. We share and
do everything together. He just won't ask me to
marry him and we have talked about it. He told me
recently he has begun to think about it but I have
been ready to get married for over a year.
Is there anyway I can get him to ask me or at
least rush him along with the process? The whole
idea now just gets me stressed because I can't
imagine a world without him but he is a stubborn
man who will do things in his own way and on his
own time. How can I persuade him to take the plunge
without coming out and being pushy?
Is there a way? Sure there is. But, before I go
into all of that, let me ask you a question: do you
really care whether or not you have a good
marriage? Is being married all you care about? If
so, then, go find someone this next weekend that'll
marry you. You seem like a nice girl and shouldn't
have any problem finding someone that will marry
you. Then, you'll be happy, right?
Of course not.
You're making a classic mistake in thinking that
being married = happiness. You've probably spent
many years even planning your wedding, imagining
all of its details, etc. (most women do!) However,
what's really important here is having a partner
that WANTS to be with you and is READY to be with
you. Simply hastening all of this isn't in your
best interest. Marriage is difficult enough - even
more difficult than living together. But, if you're
willing to risk having a shitty marriage, just so
long as you ARE married, continue reading.
Your choices come down to just a few things:
1) Threaten him. Tell him that you think it's
been long enough and that you aren't going to spend
any more time waiting for him to get ready. If he
doesn't propose, you're going to leave him and go
find someone else.
2) Pester him. Keep bringing it up and acting
all sad and dejected when you go to someone else's
wedding and tell him how miserable you are because
you're not married. Remind him about all your
friends that are either married, engaged or talking
about marriage. Generally, make his life hell until
he finally proposes to you.
3) Get pregnant - or at least claim to be. Maybe
you can trick him into marrying you. However, if
this backfires, you'll just be yet another single
mother trying to make ends meet while someone else
raises your kid.
4) Do nothing. Just mope and pout and when he
asks you want's wrong, say "Oh - nothing!" and get
angry. Mistreat him and when he has enough of it
and demands to know what's wrong, just tell him
that you had expected that he's "be a man" or
something equally inciting and ask you to marry
5) Propose yourself. If you do this, don't be
surprised if he turns you down.
What's that I hear? You say that you don't like
any of these options or have tried one or more of
them and they didn't work? I'm not surprised.
Actually, there's one more thing you can do and
frankly, it's by far your best option. Talk to him;
but don't do so in order to find out why he's not
asking you to marry him. Instead, talk to him with
some perspective behind you. Realize that he
probably views marriage very differently than you
do. He (like most men) likely sees marriage as
responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, etc. - not
all the positive things you see in it.
So, when you talk to him realize that you're
trying to make discoveries. You're trying
specifically to understand what he needs in order
to take on this responsibility, stress and to lose
his freedom. Really strive for understanding here.
Don't assume anything. Learn exactly what he needs
and wants in his life and what he'd trade to be
married to someone.
Then, just be that woman.
How Do I Make It
I was in a relationship for 5 and a half years. The
relationship is breaking up. My partner is not
satisfied with me, I believe. He has said he wants
to see other people and wants to consider other
options. But he says he still cares or me and he is
confused. I just read a series of letters he wrote
to some girl, and I am hurting like hell. He is my
only friend and I feel like I am in complete
darkness without him.
I have decided to end the relationship. But I
need your advice how I can get through this
difficult situation and how we can remain friends
and business partners.
Thanks for everything,
It appears that you invested 5 years into him
and your relationship but forgot to invest in
yourself. This is one of the most common reasons
for people to break up! In a relationship where one
partner grows faster than the other, there soon
becomes no common-ground for the relationship to
survive. Life is about growing and re-inventing
one's self. Herein lies your opportunity for
getting through all of this.
Sit down and figure out what it is that you want
in your life. Not "whom", but "what". Take some
real time here and craft your ideal life. Sure -
it's going to have a good, happy relationship in
it, but that can't be all you're looking for. You
have a clean slate now to decide exactly how you
want your life to be. Try to be as specific as
possible and take some real time here.
As soon as you create this goal, next work on
your plan. How are you going to achieve it? What
changes have to be made in your life in order to
get what you want? How will you go about effecting
these changes? Create a real plan of action.
The most important step is this: go from a
"human being" to a "human doing". Take action! Get
to work on your plan. Find something everyday that
will get you closer to your goals and don't let a
single day go by that you don't accomplish
something positive. What you'll find is that when
you focus on your own path and growth-plan great
people seem to come to you. Some will help you
reach your next goal and some will help you enjoy
them. It doesn't matter which type a person is -
they are all important as you move through your
The best part of this is that as you start to
grow, you'll find that your pain starts to fade!
You'll meet new guys, have new experiences, and
become much more of the person you want to be. But,
the trick is to get started. What can you do today
to begin this process? I suggest you get started
Do Men Respect Women?
I wonder about this from time to time, but I
figure that I need an answer from an insightful man
in order to get a truthful answer on this:
Do men respect women in general? Do men pity
women in general, because of our vulnerabilities?
Or do men have a certain "hard-to-explain"
admiration for women at times and pity other times?
What can a woman do to get and earn men's respect
in most cases? A lot of men speak in a
condescending way towards and about women. Can a
woman have a lot of sex and still get a lot of
respect? Can a woman talk about having a lot of sex
and still get respect? Why do many women seem to
never grow out of that adolescent
unsure-of-themselves phase, while men tend to
realize their strengths and utilize them to their
Okay, it's a lot of questions - but they all
really center around one general principle of
respect. It seems to me that many women can't seem
to get a grip on the power that they possess, and
forever see themselves as being in a position
whereby they have to compete and prove their worth
- rather than being in a position where they
already understand their worth and are just looking
for a man who meets "their" standards. I see that
women constantly compromise, when they don't need
to - turn themselves into whores and fake
bi-sexuals sometimes - just to compete with
ambitious attention whores.
What are your thoughts?
Yes, that IS a lot of questions! However, there
is one simple answer to them all: yes and no.
Some men respect all women and some don't
respect any women at all. Many women ("feminists"
in particular) demand that all women (as a group)
are given respect whereas many male chauvinists
follow the policy of giving no woman respect
whatsoever. In fact, in every case these are all
stupid and ignorant philosophies!
I've done many interviews wherein the
interviewer (most often a feminist herself) accused
me of not "respecting women"; usually because they
read some small part of my book or an article that
they don't like. My response is this: "You're
right!" In fact, I don't respect "women". I also
don't respect politicians or dog trainers or
Christian fundamentalists or boy scouts or school
teachers or those in the military or computer
programmers or any other particular group of
people. I only respect individuals; and then, only
based on what they say and do. Indeed, there are
many women that I have absolutely no respect for,
and some of these have even earned my disdain. On
the other hand, there are many women that have
earned my highest respect.
I would never presume to speak for every man out
there, but according to my own research, and the
huge number of letters I get everyday from readers,
I believe that in general, most men feel very good
about women. Is this "respect"? I can't say
specifically, but I think there has to be at least
some respect involved in order to have these kinds
of positive feelings. If men are guilty of any
respect-based crimes, I think it's giving away too
much respect too soon, but in fact, this isn't a
huge, rampant problem and most men learn to deal
with this early on.
On the other hand, men view women very
*differently* than themselves. That difference in
view doesn't mean that they don't respect women (or
that they do either!), it's just "different". For
example, I'm sure that you know many women that
also view men differently than themselves. There's
a reason why most women prefer a man that's taller
- it's because they view these men as able to
protect and even nurture them. This is a natural,
inborn need for these women in order to feel love.
On the other hand, they don't feel the same way
about women that are taller than themselves
Is that "respect"? Not really. It's just a
different way of feeling about the opposite gender.
Respect may be involved, but it's not the
foundation of how they feel.
In my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I
& II" I talk pretty heavily about these gender
differences and specifically how they affect our
relationships with each other. I want both men and
women to learn to play into these differences for
their own advantages. What you call "power" I
simply call natural advantage, and I believe that
each of us possesses different sets of these
advantages in different measure. That's a good
thing - especially when we learn to use them to
improve our lives and even the lives of others
It's because of these differences however that I
can't specifically answer your questions! For
instance, "Can a woman that has lots of sex still
be respected?" That's impossible to answer
generally. For me, yes, she can earn my respect
since the amount of sex she has had has no bearing
on how I respect her. In fact, I think that someone
that is highly sexually mature can be very
respectable! What's more important to our very
beings than our sexuality? I don't know of any
particular attribute that is more foundational than
our sexuality. Thus, someone that has worked hard
to build theirs in a healthy way is someone that is
likely to earn my respect. Likewise, someone that
has avoided building and understanding their own
sexuality is someone that is likely to NOT get my
Other men however see this either as a threat or
view it negatively for some other belief. They
might very well not give respect for this. Is that
"wrong"? To me it is, but that's just one opinion.
They feel it's perfectly right to believe as they
What I advise people is to create their own
yardsticks based on their own beliefs, desires,
experiences and philosophies and to be clear about
them. There's nothing wrong with adopting a
particular belief system that someone else creates
as long as they know WHY they believe as they do.
Simply adopting something to fill in a gap isn't a
respectable action. Knowing why someone believes in
something and how it affects that individual - and
adopting it because it fits well their own belief
system - is.
Then, when situations come along, they can
simply apply that against their own yardsticks and
see how they fit. If they fit well, then this
person might (based on many other factors) be
worthy of their respect. If not, they may choose to
no respect that individual.
Are Nice Guys a Dying
Do women even want a nice guy anymore?
I've been a nice guy all my life. Upbringing
taught me to be nice to everyone. I open doors for
women, compliment them, laugh with them, do nice
things for them such as favors and such. What do I
get in return? "You're so sweet and thoughtful.." I
HATE that phrase!
I have been so unlucky with women because of
this nice guy syndrome. I've even started reading
books on how to be an Alpha male but you know what?
The nice guy mindset still comes out. I'm tempted
to just become a jerk and see where that will get
me. I am confident so there is no problem in that
area. Women just seem to want a man that can treat
them badly it seems.
What is with this? Help!!
Actually, this is an excellent question! There's
a dichotomy and huge misunderstandings about all of
this. I'll try to explain it, but it's a little
complicated, so stick with me.
The short answer is yes, women want "nice guys",
BUT (here's where things get complicated), they
don't want them to start out as nice guys. They
want them to become one later on.
There's tons of science behind this that I'm not
going to bore you with. Let me just tell you the
Women need to feel safe and secure with a guy in
order to feel love. We offer some very important
things that most women lack - I don't care what the
feminists say! My own research bears this out time
and time again. The problem is that women fight
their own internal needs and drives in order to
comform with images they get from a media that
simply promotes agenda. It's difficult for many
women to come to grips with these huge differences.
An interesting aside however is that any guy that
learns how this works and can bring it to her is an
instant hero - and the woman benefits from being
able to reconcile it all the rest of her life; but
When you act like you're disinterested, are a
challenge, seem like a basic jerk and any of the
1001 other concepts you've read in some books; you
present an image of greater power to the women you
meet. This power translates to the ability to
provide, protect, etc.
Nice guys come off as needy and wanting. They
seem "sensitive" and are more in need of mothering
than an Alpha or a jerk. Now, understand that this
appeals to some women, but they are the minority.
Most of the women you meet aren't like this, so the
nice-guy image won't work in the vast majority of
the cases simply because you won't appeal to her
basic inner needs
Now, some guys actually ARE jerks. They don't
change from this image at all, and it's these guys
that so many women are attracted to, get used by
and get dumped by that they have become the major
complaint of these women! You've heard all the
stories, and unfortunately, many of them are true!
The problem is that these girls are making the
wrong choices - it's not the guys at all!
Now, enter the guy that knows how to use these
same attributes and meet, approach and close a
woman, and continues them through the "sales
process" and most women will be hooked. Then,
slowly revert to the nice-guy thing again, but keep
the jerk available when you need him again (and you
WILL need him again - this is something I describe
in my books as "The Test"), and you'll be the guy
that almost any woman can fall in love with.
Now, here's the good news. You can still be a
nice guy IF (and frankly, ONLY IF) you build the
right mindset in up front. This is what BAM ("Being
a Man...") is all about. It's about expressing
those things that women crave - and learning WHY
they crave them while integrating all of this into
your own personality.
I believe that if you know WHY something is
true, you'll automatically be able to answer all
the "what's" about it. The problem that I see is
that so many people teach technique and not
foundations. Thus, unless you become the exact guy
these books promote, you can't possibly be
successful in their way. That's a waste in my
So, therein lies your challenge. You have to
learn the RIGHT sort of jerk-attitudes, figure out
when to apply them properly and when to pull back
and you'll be that "chick magnet" you hear so much
about. This is why you want to know WHY things are
true - not WHAT is true.
Finally, no, women don't want a man that treats
them badly, (unless the girl is pretty fucked up;
and there are plenty of those around too!) What
they want is a guy that can be the powerful - but
loving - partner they need. When a girl finds this
guy, she throws everything she has into him. All
that "independent woman" crap (a complete,
manufactured fallacy by the way) goes right out the
My Parents Don't Like My
I have a fairly serious issue regarding my
parents and my relationship with my boyfriend. I am
22 years old and I live completely on my own,
however, my parents still give me problems about my
boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been dating for
over 3 years. I love him very much and he loves me
very much. Unfortunately, my parents don't like him
He is 29 years old and he didn't go to college
(which is their biggest problem with him). He is a
carpenter and they have issues with that. He had
some trouble getting his life on track but he is
doing pretty well now. Basically, every time I am
with him I feel guilty because I know my parents
are angry. I am going away with him this weekend
for his birthday and I got the typical attitude
from my parents when I mentioned it.
My mom stopped speaking to me for a week one
time after I mentioned I was going over to my
boyfriend's house for the night. Now I can't tell
her where I am when I am with him and it is
absolutely ridiculous in my mind, especially since
I do live on my own and pay everything on my own. I
have a great job and a great apartment and I don't
really need my parents for anything.
They just can't seem to let go, though. On top
of all of that my boyfriend is starting to feel
like I'm hiding him, which makes me feel awful. I
feel like I'm always lying and hiding things and I
just don't want to do it anymore. How do I handle
You handle it by realizing that it's their
problem - not yours.
Just because they're your parents doesn't mean
that they're "wise". In fact, this is down-right
stupid! (Feel free to tell them I said so if you
wish.) They feel that punishing you by withholding
their love is going to motivate you to do the
things they want you to do. Frankly, that's pretty
screwed up, but not as screwed up as you letting
them do it to you!
You're an adult with your own direction now and
you are free to make whatever decisions about your
life you wish to make. Your parents on the other
hand are free to give you the respect and coutesy
you deserve in those decisions. If they don't like
them and they've told you (obviously) then they're
free to shut the hell up and treat you as an
You have to help them here however. I'm not
recommending that you astrange yourself from your
folks, but frankly, if they insist on this childish
game, then they don't deserve to have access to
In fact, look at what's happening: you're not
changing your relationship, you're just driving it
underground. Is that really the kind of
relationship your parents want with you? If so,
then you haven't lost very much in my humble.
Tell them to back the hell off already. They
don't have to love your boyfriend if they don't
want to, but they'd better damn well respect your
decisions as the adult you are - and treat you AND
your decisions with respect. After all, they spent
the first part of your life giving you the tools to
make these decisions. To come back now and be
unhappy about the way you're using them doesn't
reflect poorly on you, it reflects poorly on
Hey Doc - I'm confused?!
I met a nice girl, she is funny, smart and all
that I'm looking for in a relationship. When I
started talking to her, she told me that she was
looking for new friends because the other friends
she had would smother her and just try to get in
her pants. I invited her over my house for a
football party. All of my friends knew that I liked
her and I thought she knew also. I told myself that
I'm not going to smother her just to let her do
what she feels is right.
Three days passed and I found out that one of my
close friends was going behind my back, telling her
all kinds of lies just to get in her pants. I saw
them talking a lot and he was drunk but I let them
talk because I said to myself, "That's my friend
and he's drunk and he already has a girl and, she
can handle herself."
The next weekend and we were all supposed to go
out 4-wheeling and I couldn't make it. Since I
wasn't there he tried to get with her some more.
She soon found out what he was trying to do to her
and she told him to leave her alone and then found
out from everyone else that he was making up lies
We both sat down and talked about everything and
it was all better but she feels like she caused all
this to happen. Now, when she hangs out with me
everything is ok but when everyone is over she gets
quiet, depressed and upset all the time because she
likes me and I like her but she doesn't want
everyone to think less of her and talk about her as
if she did something.
I don't want to loose her and I've talked to all
of my friends and everyone but her knows that she
didn't do anything wrong and they aren't going to
think less of her. All of my friends like her and
their girlfriends like her too. I just don't know
how to make her understand that it's not her fault
so she could be back to herself.
You know, this sounds like a classic attention
grab by this girl! I know you don't see it this
way, but trust me, it's absolutely textbook!
First, let's talk about this "friend". If you
really consider this guy a friend, you're making a
huge mistake. I don't care how drunk this guy was.
There's a rule: "Bro's before ho's" and it applies
here. If he had any knowledge that you were
interested in this girl, he had no business hitting
on her and if he were part of my crew, we'd all
kick his ass to the curb and that would be the end
of it. This guy is no friend of yours, trust me.
He's out just for himself, not his bro's.
With this girl however, she just set everything
up nicely. She's trying to control things to the
degree that you're no longer even able to make a
play for her. She's given you all this crap about
guys trying to get into her panties - well d'uh!!!
So what? Are you telling me that if she met Brad
Pitt she wouldn't be trying to get into his
So, here you sit with her having set all the
rules. She comes over and you can't do anything to
move things forward because SHE'S given you all
these rules - and even proven it by turning down
your friend and creating all this drama between you
all. She must be some kind of master at all of
Really dude, what the hell do you want here? Are
you looking for a female friend or something more?
Letting her hang around your friends just enforces
that friendship between you and she. She's not
going to just see what a great guy you are and fall
head over heals for you. She totally set you up
here and you just fell for it, proving to her that
you're not "boyfriend material".
As far as making her understanding this crap
about not being her fault - in fact, it was
ENTIRELY her fault!! Why are you giving her such a
pass? Because she has a vagina? If she had wanted
to shut him down, she could have done it in 2
seconds. Women are masters at this too. Come on -
you'd never do that for any of your buddies (or
maybe you would considering this loser "friend" of
Stop this madness already. Let her grow up and
be an adult. You're not helping her by trying to
ease all the tension. That's something she has to
do herself. What you ARE doing in all of this is
just proving to her why she shouldn't be interested
Who Can Have a Support
My boyfriend and I are in our late 30's and have
been dating for over 3 years. Today, in a casual
conversation we were talking about our future and
he made the comment, "I was talking to someone
about our situation and..." The gist was that he
was talking to this person about saving money to
buy a house this year, etc.
My very innocent question to him was "Who were
you talking to about this?" I know most of his
friends so it was odd to me that he didn't say "I
was talking to John and...." Now what makes this
even worse is that he flat out told me that he was
NOT going to tell me who he was talking to and that
it was irrelevant. I was trying to get him to see
that it is relevant to me because: 1) I wanted to
know who he was talking with about our future when
this was something WE ourselves had not discussed
and 2) I was really just innocently asking but his
insistence on not telling me makes me wonder why he
can't tell me.
I do not think he is cheating. He is a hard
worker and we spend most of our non-working time
together. It just makes me wonder why he can't tell
me this very small piece of information if it is
Am I overreacting? I have packed my things that
I leave at his house (we do not live together) and
told him that I need space to figure out if this is
the relationship that I want to be in. Am I wrong
for feeling left out of his life?
I agree with your boyfriend. Who the hell cares
whom he said this too? How could that possibly have
any bearing whatsoever on the issue at hand? Oh,
wait - I know! You want to know who it is so that
you can disparage the person's suggestions; thus
holding on to control here.
Women are notorious about this! You talk to your
girlfriends (and sometimes male friends too),
family, co-workers, etc., about every aspect of
your relationship lives. You gather perspective and
ideas and suggestions and mull them over until they
congeal into an amophous goo. Then, you come back
and simply want to react based on this.
So what if your boyfriend wants to have a
support network? So what if he's running ideas by
someone else! You're pretty arrogant (and dare I
say, insecure) to think that you're the only one he
should be discussing his life with!
There is a very mistaken belief that couples
need to be totally and completely honest with each
other. Bullshit! That's not only unhealthy, it's
impossible. Think back on every relationship you've
ever had and just try to tell me that you've been
"totally and completely open and honest" with your
partner. Of course you haven't! You can't
You're WAY overreacting here! Go put your stuff
back and go apologize to him this very instant. If
you want him to have to guard everything he says to
you because there's the remote chance that he might
hurt your tender little feelings then you're not
going to have much of a relationship. Then, take
that "space" to figure out why; in your late 30's,
you're acting so immaturely!
I need some help on communication. I have
trouble with communication. For some reason I am
just not effective at communicating; especially
with women. I really just don't know how to
communicate effectively. I've heard that the key to
communication is to listen, ask questions about the
other person when communicating, and to make eye
contact. Is this the key? How do I become a
professional at communication?
There are two separate issues with
communications. The first is simply to connect with
someone else on a basic level. You're more or less
on the right path, but I'll give you some better
ideas how to make that work in a minute.
The second aspect is to directly and
specifically create rapport and connection which
leads to attraction. Let's look at the
When you meet someone new that you're not
interested in romantically, (maybe a friend or
coworker for example), using the first type of
communication is fine. You find out about that
person and share aspects of yourself. This is what
most people do with communication.
Many people think that communication of this
type is talking. Nothing could be further from the
truth! In fact, it is listening, but listening with
intelligence behind it. You can learn to ask
"open-ended questions" (see my FAQ's at my website:
http://beingaman.com, then click on "self help")
that give the other person a chance to talk about
their favorite subject - themselves. Eventually
they walk away thinking what a great communicator
YOU are because they just couldn't stop talking -
about themselves! See how this works?
The problem with this is that you're not
building rapport or real connection or (especially)
attraction. Thus, it's not enough when you're
talking to women.
This is where the second type of communication
comes into play. This is a thing I call "power
communication". It's about using communication in
very specific ways with very specific goals.
In my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I
& II" I go into 4 different communication
"models" or "CM's". CMs are used to build quick
attraction in someone you've either just met or
have known for a while. Here are the four CM's I
1) Male vrs. Female Model
2) Motivation Model
3) Neuro-Linguistic Programming Model (NLP)
4) Sexuality/Suggestibility Model
When you either match or counter a person's
specific CM, (or 2, 3 or all 4 of them) you build
incredible connection with that person. They begin
to see you just as they see themselves. You become
a "kindred spirit" which brings you close to them.
They feel trust, comfort and deep connection.
As you get closer, they also begin to feel
affection for you; just as they do for themselves!
I can't tell you how often I'll meet a new girl,
determine and match her CM's and have her say, "You
know, I feel like I've known you all my life!"
Interestingly, she has! She's looking in a
You can see how powerful this sort of
communication skill can be! You can use it with
anyone by the way - not just with a girl you've
just met. We are all pre-wired with facilities that
make it possible for us to interact within our
societies. Much of that interaction is about
connecting with others and especially building
bonds with others - particularly those of the
opposite sex. That's how humans have stayed around
on this planet!
We've evolved these systems specifically for
this purpose. I strongly encourage you to learn
these systems really well and to use them to your
advantage. They are extremely powerful things!
The "Loaded Weapon"
Ever since I started living with my boyfriend
I've caught him masturbating. At the beginning he
would watch porno and masturbate, I told him this
really upset me and he said that he wouldn't do it
again. He also eventually got rid of all the
Well everything was good - or at least I think
it was, until recently I have caught him
masturbating. He doesn't do it to porn, he does it
when he goes it bed. (We don't go to bed at the
same time; I go to bed much later) Anyways I
confronted him about this and told him that it
hurts me that he would rather masturbate than be
with me. Than a week later, I caught him again. I
explained to him again, that I feel that I can't
trust him (not that he would cheat, just that he is
going to masturbate again) and I told him that it
really hurts me and upsets me that he chooses to do
this, than be with me. I feel like it's my fault.
Maybe he doesn't find me attractive. He says that
he does, but I am unsure. I doubt our relationship
now. Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing man and I
love him more than anything. Really the only thing
wrong is this. I just don't know what to do. I
don't really have anyone to talk to about this.
Please help. Thank You.
Ok, reality time: you're NEVER going to get him
to stop masturbating - NEVER. All you'll ever do is
to drive him underground with it. Is that really
the type of relationship you want to have? One
where your guy is hiding himself from you? I'd sure
as hell hope not, but that's exactly where you're
going trying to get him to stop it. Eventually,
he's going to start hiding all sorts of things from
you - and he's going to get so good at it you'll
never even know. Trust me on this one - I see it
all the time!
His masturbating isn't hurting you at all and
he's not doing it to avoid you at all. Stop being
such a self-centered, insecure little child and
wake up! You're going to tear your relationship
apart over absolutely nothing!
Here's more reality: masturbating isn't about
love or caring or anything like that. It's about
tension relief, pure and simple. It has nothing to
do with you - other than the fact that you've made
it an issue by being so insecure (and immature)
about it! That doesn't bode very well for you, now
In fact, you should be HAPPY about him jerking
off! You should even encourage him to do this!
Let's face it, making love is incredible, but it's
also a lot of hard work. Sometimes, we just need
some time alone to explore our own fantasies. This
is how we safely grow our own sexualities, and
frankly, if YOU aren't masturbating regularly,
you're cheating HIM because you can't explore your
deepest, most personal sexuality when you're with
Here's even MORE reality: by preventing him from
being sexually relieved and living in a comfortable
sexual environment, you're actually helping him to
cheat on you! (No shit!) Trying to get him to not
masturbate means he's walking around with a loaded
weapon! He's not going to live with that sort of
tension for very long and if he gets the chance to
unload that weapon - even if it's not with you -
he's going to take it. After all, if he hides a
little from you, it's not hard to hide a lot.
GET OVER IT ALREADY! More important: go to him
and apologize for all of this! Tell him right away
that you realize what's going on and that you never
want him to hide anything from you ever again. You
made a mistake by demanding he stop masturbating
because you were thinking only of yourself and
relationships aren't about "ourselves" at all.
They're about the people we're with - and their
comfort and happiness too.
You might even add this to your sex lives as an
adjunct. You can masturbate together and get off on
watching each other if you haven't already done so
much damage here that he can't. I just hope for
your sake (and the sake of your relationship)
that's not the case.
Relationships are fragile things Vanessa! They
can easily be destroyed with such ridiculous
© 2008, Dr. Dennis W.
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