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Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love,
dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question?
You can write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
Hey Doc: I had a friend that is very important to me ask me out. I told him he was important, but just a friend. I didn't say "yes" to him because mostly I've been thinking about a couple of other guys, one in particular, that I want to go out with. They seemed to have shown signs that they might like me. One stares at me; smiles when I smile, always is asking me questions, which he doesn't really do with other people. The other I'm still looking into. (He held my hand longer than he should have when shaking a few times, for no reason, because he doesn't do that with other people.) I didn't want to ruin our friendship (I didn't explain that however because he didn't seem too upset). And then there is this other good friend that likes me, but I have no idea when he'll say something. I don't think I like him, but more of how he treats me and that he likes me. I don't know how I can say no to him, because he likes me a lot and it would hurt me hurting him. I've never seemed to have this many guys interested me at one time (and I may not be mentioning them all). So I'm a little naive even though I'm almost 21. Anyways, was I right in saying no to my one friend, possibly b/c of other guys? Hello! Let's start with a little reality here: you don't have any true male friends. What you have is guy(s) that want to date you but that are totally clueless on how to make anything happen with you. So, they become your friend, treat you really well, buy you dinners, give you gifts, listen to you when you're down and mopy and hope that you'll just somehow fall in love with them, do all their work for them and they won't have to take any risks of being rejected by you. I'm sorry, that's the truth. It's better that you get this straight in your head right now than to continue along this path thinking that things are otherwise, only to have to continue to hurt a bunch of "friends" down the road. You and I understand the difference, but, unfortunately, these guys don't. I suggest you give them my email address and website and have them contact me so that we can get them straightened out on all of this too. As to whether it's "right" to turn down your friend? Well, frankly, if you're not attracted to him, what else are you going to do? Are you going to just start throwing him "pity dates" which will eventually lead to "pity sex" and maybe even a "pity marriage"??? Of course not. The best answer is to realize up front why these guys want to be your friend rather than to assume that they're so fascinated by your stunning personality that they want to pal up; but in a case like this, you have to nip that in the bud after the fact. Just as you wouldn't cut a dog's tail off piece by piece, you shouldn't do that to your friend(s) either. Make it clear that you have no romantic interest in him/them and that they need to look elsewhere. Stringing them along is cruel and prevents them from meeting someone that they might have a chance with. If you're really a "friend" however, you could become a "wing-woman" for these guys, but that's an entirely different discussion. Best regards... How do I attract a woman for a relationship? During high school I tried to ask out 5 different girls over 5 years. I thought I was in love with each of them and told them this, but was turned down each time with a corresponding blow to my self-confidence. I finally just gave up on finding a girl. For quite some time I didn't talk to any new girls at all - only friends of mine. I' m now 22 and still have next to no confidence. I can't even go out to a bar with friends or anywhere public to have a bit of fun. I'm not particularly good looking, (I'm quite tall and skinny looking, not muscular, and certainly not your "James Bond" type either.) I also lack a lot of confidence in sex. Actually, I'm pretty freaked out it! Obviously, the male side of me wants sex, but I'm scared shitless about actually have it. I'm most worried about a pregnancy and getting STDs. I also am afraid of being able to do all the stuff I have read (I have already made myself think I should be able to do a lot of this stuff first time and I think I will fail at that) and the last fear is finishing way to soon. As you can see I'm quite a confused and worried 22 year old that really just wants to find that special someone. Thanks for any help. Hello! [Note: this is a necessarily long letter, but your question is broad. I hope you read it all the way through with an open mind that seeks to change and grow.] You've obviously spent a great deal of time freaking yourself out rather than doing what you should be doing - studying. More on this in a moment. You have a large number of mistaken beliefs that are helping to hold you back. Ultimately, you expect to fail so you set everything up against yourself so that you do. In effect, you've spent your entire adult life stacking the entire deck against yourself. Now you have nothing but a large, up-hill battle. You've got to stop doing this to yourself in order to begin getting it solved. Let's look at each issue by itself: 1) You never get to "own" confidence, you only get to borrow it. When I get a letter (daily!) from a guy that lacks confidence, I explain to him that it's not confidence that he lacks but education. Consider this: if you really knew how this game was played; if you knew which women to approach, what to say, how to hold a conversation, how to build rapport and connection and how to ask for a number, do you really think that you'd lack confidence? Of course not! You are "confident" in that which you know well. It's that simple. However, in your case, not only do you set yourself up to fail by not having learned this game, you also create an expectation of failure. In other words, you expect to fail and therefore you do. Worse yet, this expectation prevents you from even trying. This comes from one source: an undisciplined mind. You allow yourself the luxury of imagining your own failure rather than to force yourself to imagine only success. This is where most people would tell you to get over that and move on. I'm not going to waste either of our valuable time with such nonsense. Instead, I'm going to give you some tools you can put into practice right now to start getting healed. Yes, you have to get over this, but you'll do it by retraining your mind to think how you want it to. First, why is this important? Here's why: you know that you can make yourself sick by thinking about it, right? Do you know that you can also make yourself well? You can. Think of your mind something like a balance scale where you put weights on either side. The side with the most weight will tilt down. Up until now, you've been putting all of your "weight" on the negative side by loading it up with not only wrong, but dangerous beliefs! You've got to change that around. The great thing is that all you need is 1% more weight on the positive side to get things going. Once you add that weight there, you're going to see the balance start to tip. Don't rush over to add more to the negative side however! It's this very action that causes you to have the beliefs you have, and it's the very thing you have to force yourself to stop. To stop this, I suggest you get a strong rubber band. Carry it with you wherever you go and never be without it. Any time you start in with the negative beliefs such as saying to yourself that you're "afraid of sex" or that you "fail with women" or any such negative idea whatsoever, I want you to take that rubber band, stretch it back against the front of your thigh and give yourself a good pop with it! Let this sting for a moment, but before you rub it, "correct" your thinking by imagining the exact opposite of the negative thought. For instance, if you said to yourself (even "accidentally"), "I'm a failure with women." Then pop yourself with that rubber band and then say, "I'm a success with women." Add a mental image to it as well and really feel that success. Finally rub that sting on your thigh until it eases. This is going to seem silly at first, but what you're actually doing is retraining your mind with both punishment for holding the wrong ideas (the pain in your thigh) and reward for the right ideas (relieving the pain). This is a powerful and direct system that will quickly change a lifetime of wrong-headed thinking into right-headed thinking. You should do this with every problem you've written to me about including the wrong ideas about sex. 2) Sex isn't going to be a problem for you. in fact, most people don't get someone pregnant and don't get STD's. While the media would have you believe otherwise, getting pregnant or contracting an STD is extremely rare if you use protection; i.e. a condom. The other benefit of condoms is that they actually help you to last longer in bed! In effect, you're solving 3 problems with one solution - not bad, eh? Trust me on this one (for now): the first time you have sex, (and you WILL have sex), is going to be far different than you imagine it will be. Thus, you can't predict any outcomes accept one: you'll no longer be a virgin. It's that simple. Allowing yourself the luxury of imaging anything negative about it is a total waste of your time because you can't imagine its reality. If you really want to imagine it, spend your time thinking positive thoughts instead (use the rubber band trick as before) and get educated about the realities of sex. Here are just a few of them: yes, sex can cause babies, but if you're using protection, the likelihood is so low as to be all but impossible. Sex can transmit STD's, but while the fear-mongers want you to believe that every 1 in 2 people has an STD, it's just not the case. You don't need to focus on these issues because they aren't going to be a problem for you since you'll use protection each and every time. Yes, there are risks, but your fear of them is both irrational and unfounded. 3) You're not "failing" with women. In fact, you're succeeding by actually learning what doesn't work! You may have heard the story of Edison's attempt to invent the light bulb: he tried 10,000 different materials before he finally hit on the one that was successful. When a reporter asked him how he could fail 10,000 times, he replied that he hadn't "failed" at all. He "discovered" 10,000 ways that didn't work. It's the same with you. You've already found 5 ways of asking women out that don't work. What you need is a short-cut so that you don't have to go through another 9,995 things to discover the 1 way that does work. This is where your education comes into play. 4) Your looks have nothing to do with your success. Most guys want to impose their own beliefs on women. We guys often think that since we're "look-focused" that women are too. That's not the case. How you look isn't important. How you act IS important. You're going to learn how to act. Now that we've dealt with a number of your issues, let's deal with moving forward. You need to do the things I've told you in this letter but you have to do the most important thing right along with them: get educated. We humans are very complicated creatures and our courtship rituals are equally complicated. The good news is that they are simply a game with well-defined rules. You just don't know the rules! Don't you think it's time you learned them? I sure do! Go to my website and get started (http://beingaman.com). There are a ton of resources there that will help you with every aspect of this game. You'll find books, CD's, DVD's, articles and even a very active discussion group - all dedicated to getting your mind focused on your goal - and winning it. Braden, this isn't going to be solved via one email. You need some real work, but I can't think of a better time to get started on this. If you do these things for yourself, you're going to start enjoying the success you deserve with women; and trust me - you DO deserve it! Best regards... I met this girl online about 6 weeks ago and we clicked right away. We talked via the phone and internet for hours at a time almost every night. We even had live video sessions with each other so when she moved back into the area we met up face to face and she seemed to be interested in me. She even kissed me pretty heavily and told me to call her. So everything was going good - or so I thought. I called her later and she asked me if she scared me off and I said no so she asked me what I was doing the next night and I said nothing so I made plans to get together with her again and she said it was all good. I called her after work the next day to ask her when it would be a good time and she said she didn't know and she would get back to me later. I never heard from her again. I tried calling her all weekend and kept getting her voicemail and no returned calls until Sunday night when she finally called and said she went away for the weekend. I asked her why she just didn't tell me she said "the battery on my phone was broke." Then I asked why she didn't just use a land line then? She said I didn't want to call without knowing if I called first. I thought that sounded logical. We got together a couple of days later and she seemed she only wanted me around to do things for her. She said she still really liked me, but ever since I moved her stuff to her parent's house last Sunday she's completely ignoring me. Now, she won't answer the phone or my emails. I know because the site tells me when they've been read. So what's her problem? Hello! Her problem is the Internet. This sort of problem is becoming an epidemic! 20 years ago, you'd almost never heard of girls that wouldn't return phone calls or answer their phones. This was (and still is by the way) considered the height of rudeness. However, having met on the Internet, there's a totally different mindset that many women have. The Internet acts as a filter. You're not really becoming interested in the person at all (although it really seems like it.) Instead, you're falling for the IMPRESSION that the person gives you! Consider this: when you and she first starting writing to each other, you had all the time in the world to really craft your responses to each other. You could consider every other message you received to try to determine what responses would put you in the best light with her. She did too. Even the telephone works like this, but not to the same degree. You become a "real person" when you're right there with someone. However, if that person's first impression of you is electronic, you never really get this advantage. Worse yet, without being face-to-face, you miss tons of subtle cues that you'd otherwise pick up. Even if you hear something that makes you question what she's say, she can just say, "Oh, you misunderstood me" and this is near-impossible to argue. You can't really do that in person because it's obvious when someone is lying. By spending hours at a time on the phone, you actually shot yourself in the foot by trying to hold your dates there. That means that you've missed all sorts of personal information you'd otherwise have to work with. She is NOT the same person you thought she was originally; even though it really seems "real" it is not. The Internet has caused her to feel subconsciously that since she doesn't really "know" you (as she would have if you'd met in person), she doesn't owe you much courtesy, respect or politeness. She instead, came to see you as someone that could help her do a few things, she got what she wanted and now she's trying to blow you off because she's likely on to some other "Internet fool". Sorry to tell you this John, but you've been had. It's time to move on and avoid these mistakes in the future. Best regards... Is "Needing Someone" Unhealthy? I'm a 19 year-old girl and am pretty inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I'm scared of ending up in an unhealthy relationship like so many of my friends claim to have been in. I don't really know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships which is what worries me. Some of my friends have told me it's unhealthy to be with someone who needs you too much but how much is too much? Others have told me it's unhealthy to need the person you're with at all in a relationship. I don't know what to believe! My boyfriend told me last night he loved and needed me and it scared me. I didn't know how to interpret it. I kept thinking does he mean he can't live or function without me or that he simply can't imagine his life without me? What does it mean to need someone in a relationship anyway? How can I tell a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one? And is it ok to need the person you're with? Why are break-ups so painful? Is it because of your broken heart or because you need that person in your life and they're no longer there? Thanks so much for taking the time to answer me, I really appreciate it. Hello! Let me set you straight here. It's not unhealthy to be wanted - or to want someone in a relationship. However, it's unhealthy to want someone or to be wanted in an UNHEALTHY relationship. Your girlfriends are simply spouting some stupid thing they've heard on Dr. Phil or read in Cosmo. Unfortunately, these women also don't know reality from marketing hype. There is a mis-belief that being independent in a relationship is a good thing, but let me ask you - how many of your girlfriends are in long-term, healthy relationships themselves? None? I thought so. We are a media-dominated society. Unfortunately, people (especially young women) are picking up all sorts of stupid, meaningless advice by those with a greater agenda rather than learning what reality is. Let me give you a dose of reality: in "healthy" relationships, people are "interdependent" on each other. They bring their own strengths to the table, and willingly rely on the strengths of their partner where they are weak. This isn't unhealthy at all - it's the height of health! In fact, nobody "needs" another person unless they are very mentally and emotionally ill. These are rare people however and frankly, you'll probably not meet very many of them in your life. What's much more common is to realize that other people help you make you feel "whole" and that's a good thing! If you were entirely whole by yourself, you'd never need or want to have anyone else in your life ever - and THAT is unhealthy too! The fact is that others make those good parts of us even stronger. Trying to deny that fact leads to all sorts of unhealthy beliefs and behaviors - just like your girlfriends' beliefs and behaviors. Take a look at how they view their past relationships as an example. Your boyfriend is simply saying that you "complete him" which is actually very healthy. You shouldn't be freaked out about hearing that, nor should you be freaked out about feeling it yourself. Regardless of what your friends say or you may hear on Oprah or read in Cosmo or even see on TV, needing and being needed is the foundation of any good relationship. As to why break-ups hurt so much, it's simple: it's because you get used to feeling "complete" through the other person. You invest your heart - and head - in the relationship and get back far, far more than you put in. It's like winning big in Vegas! When that ends, you feel the loss, but here's another important fact: that feeling of loss eventually fades away, and you're left with only the good feelings and memories of that person! This is like a little gift from nature, but more important, you get to keep that strength you gained from having been in the relationship itself, and invest it in another relationship later on as a better, stronger even happier you. How cool is that? Best regards... The Problem with Dating Farm Animals In his bathroom the dust and dirt has just accumulated over the year I've known him. He doesn't empty his garbage; even when it gets full he just keeps throwing stuff in the pile. I've even watched him throw something on the floor by the garbage can because that is where the rest have started to fall anyway. His office is the same way. He piles the garbage and keeps it going in a corner or something. There were spots all over the floors where his new puppy had peed. His counters are filthy. If he wipes them off there is still food stuck to the surface and grime slid across the counter (you can see where something was and that it was tried to be wiped up but just got smeared and then left). He doesn't sweep his floors or vacuum. That means the dog hair balls up all over everything. He has mentioned that she made another mess and I just can't imagine what he possibly did to clean it up. It makes me sick! He doesn't have pillow cases on his pillows so you can see all the stains from drooling or whatever else on the pillows so I generally don't use a pillow and force myself not to think about the rest of the bed. A blanket he tries to give me when I'm cold always stinks very, very badly so I don't use it. I make sure to be wearing an extra layer of clothing in efforts to avoid being near the blanket. His dog was recently in heat and there are blood stains on the floor. The stains have not been cleaned and it's now been a week since she stopped. He used to have cats in the basement. They pooped and peed all over the carpet down there. It was EVERYWHERE! It was very gross and he only recently cleaned that out because his son moved in. His cloths aren't regularly washed and he often wears the same shirt over and over again.There are many times that his cloths smell like he left them in the washer for days then just moved them to the dryer so they have the mildew/moldy smell to them. Then there's his bad breath. Now that you kind of have the point, what should I do about it? I've started to avoid going to his house and if we have to stop there quickly I wait outside. I haven't mentioned his breath but I don't want to kiss him like that. I sometimes avoid getting close or standing near him. I don't know what to do. I won't be with him much longer if this continues. Do I leave him? Do I stay? Do I tell him? How? Hello! Man! I've heard of people that were messy, but this guy is just a pig! There's a big difference between someone that is just "unkempt" and someone that is endangering the ozone layer! I fear for all of our safety! Perhaps this guy's place is the portal directly to hell or something! If there's anything good about all of this, at least it's far too filthy for rats to nest! Ok, sorry about all the jokes - I know this isn't funny to you! There are a wide range of conditions that people are willing to live in, but this guy's choice seems rather extreme and frankly, unhealthy. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to hang at his place. I suggest you take an escalated approach with him. First, by this point in your relationship, you should be close enough to be able to have quality discussions and this is a good one. Explain to him that you originally thought you could deal with his lack of sanitation, but that you've come to realize that it's a far bigger issue for you than you thought. Then, see what he says. There's a very big difference between not knowing how to "fix" his present situation and actually liking it. If he stands firm on this, you and he might not be a very good match! Perhaps he'd be better off with farm animals than people. On the other hand, perhaps this is just a very bad habit in which case, you can help him establish new, more healthy habits if he's willing to try it. I suggest you start by offering to help him clean things up over a weekend. I know you're not his maid, but consider that this is actually "relationship management" in order to avoid embarrassing visits by the health department. Once you get things cleaned, help him develop a schedule for basic things such as taking out the trash, washing his clothes, vacuuming, etc. Now, be aware that you shouldn't do these things yourself! This is his job as his investment in your relationship. He needs to develop these good habits and may never have learned them from his mother. You might also suggest that he hires a maid to come in twice a month. You'd be surprised at how much this can help. She'll at least do the basics every two weeks which will change his environment dramatically. Consider that you're not trying to change him here; you're just trying to save his life ;) More important you're trying to save this relationship. If he digs in his heels and refuses to make any changes, he's not the right guy for you, but even then, I can't imagine what woman would be "right". Best regards... Dear Dr. Dennis: I've read a number of your articles where you talk about having "game" (the ability to meet women, get numbers, etc.) Unfortunately, I don't have any! I'm more of a home-type person who wants to get out and do more with life but a lot of times I find it difficult to do. It seems that I'm at war with myself about going out! Half of me says to get out and go do something and the other half just doesn't want to do anything. Can you help me to put this war with myself on a permanent truce? Hello! I call this "the problem with inertia". Inertia about is that part of Newton's first law that states: "A body in motion tends to stay in motion and a body at rest tends to stay at rest." "Inertia" is that tendency for a body to be at rest or in motion. Yes, I know you didn't write to me for a physics lesson, but it applies pretty well here. Read on, my brother... Right now, your inertia is to be "at rest". In other words, you're trying to stay right where you are because that's what you've been doing all this time. What you need is just a little push in the right direction. Your own mind is the very push you seek. In my first book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I talk about the importance of having clear, written relationship goals. Many people create goals for their lives, but don't bother doing that for their relationships! What a mistake! Where are you going to spend most of your time? Hopefully in a happy, healthy relationship! Something magical happens when you create the right type of goals and commit them to paper. I'm not going to get into all the science behind this (whew!) but trust me - it exists and it works. In effect, having these "right goals" will program your mind into action. Being clear on what you want, when you want it and how you're going to go about getting it is 90% of the battle! Most people set goals like this: they say, "I want to meet a nice person." That, my friend, is not a goal - it's a dream. When was the last time a dream made you go out and do something positive for your life? Answer: never. That's not what dreams do! Worse yet, it's so vague and non-specific that the very first person that walks by becomes the "right one" because everyone is nice! Is that all you want? I hope not - you deserve much, much better than this. I suggest you create clear, compelling goals. These goals are going to spur you on to action because that's just how our minds work. You just need to invest a little in getting these goals committed to paper. If you're not sure exactly how to create these goals, check out the book as it goes into it in great depth along with all the things you need to consider, creating a plan of action, etc. Use inertia to your advantage by taking small actions first. Don't let it ".keep you at rest!" Best regards... I have liked a woman at my work for sometime now. We were out with others from work one evening and I admitted to her how I felt after getting a little drunk. She was perfectly sober since she was the designated driver. At the same time, she told me that she was also attracted to me, but that she didn't want a boyfriend at that moment. We wound up making out and dancing all evening. Since then I've felt very confused. I got her number that night but I haven't called her as I planned to give her space due to what she said about not wanting a boyfriend. What I don't understand is; why did she say she didn't want a boyfriend and then let everything else happen and was even enthusiastic about it? One more question - she mentioned that she doesn't really want to date anyone from work because of a bad experience that she had in the past. Is that reasonable? Do you think that's why she doesn't want a boyfriend at the moment? Hello! Whenever a girl tells you that she "...isn't ready for a relationship..." or "...doesn't want a boyfriend..." big, green flags should go off in your mind. This is actually a very good thing! You'll instantly have your path set and all you need to do is follow it. What is that path? I'll explain in a minute, but first, you need some foundation. Here's the most important rule I can give you about women: watch their actions - don't listen to their words. Words are women's way of "managing" their situations. They use words to misdirect you away from their real intentions. This is because women don't want to seem like they're too interested in you because then YOU have all the power. Their actions however, DO NOT LIE. This situation is what I call the "Mini-Test". It's an attempt by this woman to see what would happen if she got into a relationship with you. Would she get to be the girl, or would she have to be the man too - because you're not going to be him. I'm afraid that sitting back and "respecting" her not wanting a boyfriend is the WRONG MESSAGE to send her. Go back and re-read that paragraph until it really sinks in before you continue. In my books, I talk about "Pre-Tests", "Mini-Tests" and "The Test". These are all tools that women have in their relationship toolkits that men lack. You need to understand how they work however because you're going to be Tested - constantly. As soon as you learn how to pass these Tests, you're going to be the man women just have to get to know. That's no exaggeration by the way! This girl was all over you. She IMPLIED what she wanted while trying to misdirect you with words. Women believe deep down that real men should set the pace. They'd rather be with someone that knows what he wants and is willing to express it - even if it doesn't match what they THINK they want! Consider this too: women DEFINE themselves by their relationships just as you and I do by our careers. If women are in good, solid, loving relationships, they feel "successful" just as you do when you're on a career path. How would you feel if you were unemployed? That's how women feel when they're not dating anyone. Thus, you KNOW that her not wanting a boyfriend is garbage. Of course she wants one - but she wants a GREAT one. Can you be him? I think so! So, she had a bad relationship at work before, eh? Big deal! Boo-hoo! Who hasn't had bad relationships? You're not that guy, you didn't cause the problem and you're not worried about having bad relationships because you and she are mature enough to handle it - right? All you need to do now is to express this to her. Here's how: First, you need to set up a date with her. Don't ask her for it however; TELL HER what's going to happen! When you see her, just walk up and say, "Clear Saturday night, I'll pick you up at 8." You don't even have to say why! Just tell her what you want, be absolutely clear about it - and make sure SHE'S clear about it too. You don't want her to say, "Oh, I thought you meant FRIDAY night." or something (more misdirection - see how this works?) Then, when you see her on Saturday, use my "opening kiss" technique where you walk right up and give her a big, passionate kiss right on the lips even before you say "hello". This is going to knock her right off her stilettos. Next, turn on the charm, touch her, challenge her and make her laugh. If she brings up the boyfriend thing again, just say, "Yeah, you're absolutely right." and then ignore it! Treat it like she didn't even say it - because she didn't! Her actions speak louder than her words, right? If she brings up the work thing again, just say, "Yeah, I know many guys and girls aren't mature enough to handle this. It's too bad that this guy wasn't, but you and I won't have that problem because we're cool." Then, drop it entirely. All you need to do is simply address her fear, tell her that it's a non-issue and go back to having a great time. My brother, as the man, you have certain rights and responsibilities. All women want to know is that YOU know this and you're ready to deal with it. Then, they let down their guards and feel relieved because they know that they're with someone that has things handled. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Best regards... Which is Best - Same or Different? I have a question which might sound a bit unusual but; do relationships work best between people who are different or people who are similar? Hello! Actually, as with so many things, it depends! Obviously, it's a good idea to have some things in common such as hobbies, nationalities, religious/spiritual beliefs, etc., or at least have a respect for your partner's beliefs if they are different. On the other hand, there are many aspects where opposites are far better. For example, if you're heterosexual, being the opposite sex from your mate is better. I teach a number of "communication models" that both describe and predict behaviors. In most cases it's best for certain models to be the same. This helps to develop rapport and connection because we feel most comfortable with our own systems. In other cases, it's better for the models to be opposite. In short, there isn't an easy answer to the question! One interesting thing however is that when we first meet someone, we tend to use many different communication systems! We do this subconsciously in order to create that rapport and connection I talked about earlier. However as the relationship progresses, we often revert to the system that is most comfortable for us - particuarly when there is conflict. How many times have you said (or heard), "You're just not LISTENING TO ME!!"? Probably at least a few times. So, we tend to get even heavier into our own communication models and re-state it over and over again, getting nowhere. This is the time to break out of what is most comfortable for you and to try to expand the communication system in order to speak to your partner in their own model. Understanding these models isn't particularly difficult but there are a lot of facets to it. For much more check out my books and website. Best regards... Husband Kicked Out of the House Dear Dennis: I have been separated from my wife for 8 months now. We have three kids, and have been married for 6 years. Arguments became a daily occurrence a few years ago but never went beyond giving the other the silent treatment, on occasion voices were raised but never in front of the children. About a year ago I think I started to notice the gap between us. She goes to bed early 8:30 - 9:00 with the kids falling asleep in the bed maybe twice a week and I will sleep downstairs on the couch which was fine the first 25-30 times. After a while I got sick of just not being able to sleep in my own bed and our sex life is non-existent. We have tried professional help which worked for a couple days then back into the same old rut until our next appointment. My ex keeps the books at our house and I work. I knew we had a few minor debts but one night she had done the bills and I came home from being out with a buddy and they were out in plain sight. I found that one of the credit cards had a balance over $13,000!!!! My heart just dropped and I got pissed. The day after I had saw the statement I confronted her about it and she completely turned everything around on me because I was still working 55-65 hour weeks 7 days a week providing food and shelter. Finally she accused me of having an affair! I have not been unfaithful and I never would. It got so bad that we were screaming and she told me to leave the house. I did for sanity's sake and I spent the night at my friends and went back the next day to find that locks had been changed and a note that read "I'll be home at 7 so you can get your stuff." I was floored. I had no where to stay and nothing with me. I've been at my dad's house for the past 6 months paying him rent paying and also paying the mortgage on the house I don't live in, all the bills, etc., and I'm fed up with it. She wont let me back in but hasn't decided if she wants a divorce. I couldn't afford to get a layer to divorce her even if I wanted to! I get to see my kids only on days when there is no dance class or band practice or play dates (which is rare) but I'm not able to tuck them in a night or see them on a daily basis really put me in a funk. My dad recommended that I check out some on-line chat rooms for separated/divorced people see if I could relate and get advice, which I did. I stumbled into this chat room and a girl messaged me asking if it wanted to talk. I said sure and we started sharing stories and just getting acquainted. We've been talking for 2 months through email and most recently on the phone for the past two weeks. I enjoy the time we have together and we've expressed our growing feeling for each other. We have no plans to meet as she lives a distance away in California so I haven't brought it up. I'm so confused as to what to do. I am not even out of a marriage, nor am I really in it either and I think I'm falling for some girl over the internet and phone. If you can decipher any of this rambling and offer any advise it would be greatly appreciated. Hello! I'm not really sure what advice I can offer you. It appears that your (ex-)wife is on the exit plan and is holding your house, your bills, your kids - and your balls - hostage! That doesn't have anything to do however with being interested in someone else! Right now, having someone you're attracted to is probably the best thing that could happen to you as long as nobody finds out! This could be used against you if you start a divorce. Let me throw in these little tidbits: First, you absolutely DO NOT want your marriage to linger much longer! If you wait too long or she can show you've been together, for 10 years, you'll have to pay her FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!! Thus, as tough as it is right now, you've got to do something right away. If you're going to get a divorce, go get it started. Turn off the phone in the house if you have to (they're in your name, right?) but retain an attorney right away. Which leads to the second point: YOU want to be the one to start the proceedings. If you don't, SHE holds all the cards, and let me make this perfectly clear: she ALREADY has an advantage because she a woman. That's the way it is. Our courts believe that you "rented" her during your marriage and therefore, you will have to pay for it. If you flie, you have control of where things go. If she files, she has all the control. You don't know what that $13,000 bill was, but I'll bet it wasn't to buy you birthday presents. Only she knows what it was for, but the bottom line is that you have neither control of it nor knowledge of what it was. Perhaps it was to buy someone else birthday presents? I'd suggest you cancel any credit cards she has while keeping your own in order to protect your own finances. Interestingly, I think you can actually sell the house if you wanted to - and you don't need your wife's permission to do so! It might be a problem showing it, but you don't have to use a key to get in. You have just as much right as the co-owner of being there as she does! Lastly, as one of my attorney friends says, "cash can't be easily traced." You can bet your ass that as soon as she gets wind of something happening, she's going to drain any bank accounts you have. I'd suggest you get there first. My brother, I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation, but don't let it linger. Get it handled so that you can heal and move on. Maybe you and NY-girl can put something together, but consider that long-distance relationships are even tougher than what you are in right now. Best regards.. Hey Doc: I'm 21 years old and this girl that I've been talking to is turning 28 pretty soon. This girl has been really down on the dumps with personal problems, losing family members, etc. and we've been keeping each other "company" if you will. I want more than that however. I have a feeling that deep down, she does to. But the age thing comes up every once in a while. So what steps should I take to try to get her to see that we belong together? Thanks!! Hello! First of all, the age issue isn't an issue at all. It's all in how you handle it. I'd suggest that you simply ignore it entirely unless she brings it up. If she does just say, "You know, I don't plan to make an issue of your being older than I am because it means nothing." In effect, you'll have turned this around into the nothing-issue that it is in a single sentence. What does trouble me however, is that you've become her friend. That's relationship death! Women don't date their "friends" and use the friends-label as a way of keeping you at arms-length. If you approach her for more, she can say, "Oh, I don't see you like that, you're my FRIEND!" No man worthy of this girl would put up with that. Many men are too scared to actually approach these girls and be something more. They actually think they can "work it from the inside" by being the nice guy and that somehow the girl will fall in love with them and do all their work for them. Let me assure you of this: that is an absolute turn-off to women. Women don't want guys that are too much of a pussy to tell them what they really want; and do you really think she doesn't know what you want anyway? I wish guys would get this figured out already. Being her friend may very well prevent you from ever being anything else to her. For much more on this please read my FAQ's at my website: http://beingaman.com and click on "self help". As to what to do with this I suggest you make a decision for yourself. Are you really going to be this girl's friend or not? If not, then I suggest that you use the "Opening Kiss" technique from my second book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II". It goes like this: The very next time you see this girl, don't hesitate even a second. Walk right up to her and kiss her squarely on the lips. Don't make it a little peck like you'd kiss your grandmother, make it a really kiss! Do this before you do anything else. This is going to help you in many ways, including: 1) You're going to discover exactly what she thinks of you - if you're in the "friend-zone" you'll know it right away. 2) You're going to change any possible friendship into what you really want with her. 3) There's going to be no ambiguity of where you're going. 4) You'll come off as the strong, powerful guy you can be and trust me, she'll be impressed. 5) By putting things out on the table, you both can deal with them - including the age issue - and start building what you really want. My brother, don't do the friend-thing to yourself. You deserve much better. Best regards... Dealing with Differences
in Sex Drives If you've ever been in a relationship, you've likely encountered differences between your partner's sex drive and your own. Most people believe that men's sex drive is far greater than women's, but in fact, I find about an equal number of complaints from both men and women. Often, one partner adjusts their own sex drive to fit their partner's over time, but if the difference is great, this might not be an option. For instance, if you want sex every day but your partner only wants sex once a month, you're going to have problems unless one of you is a really good masturbator. Don't be a Hater - be a Masturbator! Some people believe that as soon as they enter a monogamous, committed relationship that their - or their partner's - masturbation should end. Even in committed relationships, you both should still be taking time for yourself. Some couples add masturbation into their regular sex and this is a great alternative to regular intercourse, but it doesn't allow for that special "Me Time" where you get to grow your own sexuality. Masturbation is an opportunity to safely explore your own fantasies - and reactions to them. This is where you learn about yourself and the more you know about your own sexuality, the more you bring to the bedroom for your partner. People should never feel threatened by their partner's masturbation unless it directly interferes with sex. Responsibilities verse Expectations Both partners in a relationship have responsibilities to the other. All of us get tired, feel sick or just don't have the energy at times, but that shouldn't be a regular problem. If it is with your partner, it's likely not "reality" but an excuse to beg off sex due to another problem. When you're in a committed relationship, you have sexual responsibilities to your partner just as you have other responsibilities. Constantly denying - or demanding - sex from them is a sure way to end the benefit of the relationship itself. In effect, you have to find a compromise that works for you both. Often, that means one partner "getting in the mood" and the other "getting in touch with themselves" regularly. Why Sex Drives Wane As relationships grow, sexual frequency often wanes. This is a normal evolutionary part of relationships, but doesn't have to mean their end. This waning can be due to many factors including stress, exercise, diet, availability, inter-relationship problems and many other factors. Most often these factors solve themselves over time, but some don't. If the problem with sexual frequency is due to problems within the relationship itself, many couples simply try to increase the sex. This may work as a temporary solution, but does nothing to fix the foundational problems. Until these are addressed, the sex will continue to suffer in quality - if not in quantity. Solving the Problem Let's be honest here - some couples are just not meant to be together. If your sex drive is vastly different from your partner's and you can't seem to find a good "fit" you have very few options. One would be for the higher-libido partner to find another sex partner and some couples actually choose this option. The challenges with this option are huge and very few relationships can survive it; but in fact, some do. Some even thrive! Here are some less-dramatic ways to help solve this difference in drives: Communication I'm constantly amazed at how many people write to me with sex problems only to find out that they've never communicated the issues properly to their partners! Women are particularly bad about this and I get letters that state, "well, he should just KNOW!" I'm not sure how he's supposed to just know. I guess he reads minds or something. Communicating the issue involves more than just speaking it; it also involves listening - really listening - with the intent of solving this problem just like any other relationship problem. Being the caring, concerned, giving partner that you were when you first met will go along way toward solving libido difference problems. Compromise Sometimes you have to "take one for the team" in order to find balance and bring harmony to your relationship. Sometimes, you have to take things into your own hands, so to speak. These shouldn't be the primary way the problem gets solved however. These are periodic solutions only. For instance, if your partner is willing to have sex twice a week, but you prefer it three times, your once-a-week habit is going to go a long way to making things healthy within your relationship. Likewise, the less-interested partner can do many things to help! Sometimes just being present when one person masturbates keeps you together as a couple, but also solves the need for sex. Quality vs. Quantity Many sexual issues have nothing to do with quantity at all, although that seems up-front to be the issue. When sexual quality isn't present, many people try to substitute quantity instead. By taking time and making sex a priority in the relationship, you can really focus on what both people get from it, thus, making it much more satisfying and gratifying. Quality sex often reduces the need for quantity sex! Counseling As a final option, you should always consider counseling if you can't work things out as a couple. Professionals are non-judgmental and have likely been through these things many times with many other couples. In effect, you get to benefit from the past experience! The bottom line is this: you and your partner deserve a satisfying sex life together. If you're unable to find it, perhaps you're not with the right person. On the other hand, don't throw away a perfectly good relationship without first getting your bedroom issues addressed. Best regards... Dr. Neder, I need your advice. Hi, I have been dating this girl for about 11 months. She is 22-years-old, beautiful and I guess many men would like to have a girl like that even though she has a 4-year-old boy of four. In the beginning she tried to take her son with us everywhere we went out, but I told her I didn't like to have the boy with us every single time. She just came from a very difficult divorce with a violent, alcoholic husband, and her family is a mess. My problem is that she won't have sex yet even though we have been dating all this time! The only physical contact we have been in has been non-passionate kisses. She keeps saying things have "we have to take things slow", but I see no progress at all! I have never waited so long in any relationship to start the sex part so I'm pretty confused. She seems entirely focuses on her "many life problems", and as you say, she's a real drama queen. She says she feels underestimated or like "a sexual object" when I talk about having sex and starts to cry. She claims that I only want her for sex but that is not the case since we have been going out a lot. She doesn't work but lives from charity from her family and friends. She also has a lot of male "buddies" and tells me "Many rich and handsome men want to be with me, so you are fortunate I am with you." I get pissed off with her attitude towards me. I know that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship but is still very important. What do you think I should do? Hello! Ok, maybe sex isn't the MOST important thing in a relationship but its right up there in the top 3. Would your boss be as interested in keeping you if you only had 2 of the 3 skills he needed? I doubt it. My brother, I fear you're getting played here. It's obvious that this woman is no virgin - her son being the proof. So, why then is she denying you any sex or even intimacy? In effect, she holds all the cards here and you hold none. That is never good for any healthy relationship. All of this crying is nothing more than manipulation in order to prevent her from having to give you want you want - and deserve! She plays up the guilt and you fall right into it over and over again. Here you are, entertaining her and her son and being the supportive, caring boyfriend all while she absolutely denies you what a good girlfriend should give. Further, I'm not saying that she doesn't get as much back from sex either! She benefits at least as much - and maybe even more - than you do! Something really smells fishy here. She appears to be with you only for the entertainment and support you give her. She's not emotionally or physically invested in your "relationship" and it looks like you're just being used. Here's what I suggest you do: tell her that you don't care if she cries any more. You've extended yourself so far beyond what is reasonable, you've never treated her like a "sex object" and have always been overly considerate of her feelings. She's tried to keep you on a short leash, getting whatever she wants while pushing you away, but you've wised up. From now on, you're going to be dating other women so that you can get the sex you need from someone that really cares about you. She is NOT given the same rights however! If she wants sex, you'd be happy to give it to her. She's also going to have to understand that you won't be around as much as usual since you need to spend time with someone that is concerned about you and your needs - not just her own. Thus, this will take time and she's just going to have to understand and accept it until she stops being a selfish, self-centered little child. Sex isn't a favor that one partner in a relationship gives to another. It's something both partners share equally. I strongly urge you to take a hard-stand here. You're being used and your kindness is being exploited. That's not right and you deserve much, much better. Best regards... Are Women More Sexual Than Men? Hi Dennis, (I'm not sure where this study was done, but I believe it was at Harvard Medical School. I could be wrong, but I know it was at an Ivy League Med school somewhere in the northeast.) Recently, a study was done where they hooked thousands of different types of people up to sensors and studied brain activity. I believe it was a couple thousand woman and a couple thousand men from all different ages, races, religions, nationalities, cultures, income levels, etc. Then the volunteers were showed pornography. Well we all know almost all guys love porn, and girls generally don't like that stuff, right? But the results were astonishing. They found that women's brains responded more positively to porn and that they were more sexually aroused than the men were. It also showed that women were aroused by ALL types of pornography. Straight, girl on girl, guy on guy, sex with animals, transvestites, midgets etc. Yet the guys were only turned on by straight or girl on girl porn. The other types of porn didn't really make a difference. And, even though the men got aroused, the men didn't get as aroused as the women got. WOW!!! So that's totally different than what society thinks...huh? Oh yeah, and they are wondering if that's a reason many gay women tend to be bisexual and gay men tend to be only gay. Hello! I'm rather suspect of the interpretation this sort of "research", but I haven't seen this study yet First of all, measuring the brain to establish sexual response is highly counter-productive. The brain responds to many stimuli in very different ways and even differently in different people. Measuring activity doesn't show "excitement" or "titillation" or anything of the sort. The traditional way to measure sexual response isn't through brain waves at all as they are extremely difficult to decipher - everyone's brain is laid out in different ways! The more direct, specific and more reliable way to measure sexual response is by measuring blood flow to the genitals. It's a very specific indicator of sexual excitement. That tells me that this study wasn't measuring sexual response at all; or if it was, it was highly flawed. Second, what's the point and who is making the determination of the meaning of the results? Let me give you an example: A quite-famous, highly-controlled study was done using the brain to determine what areas were directly involved in speech: particularly, which areas were used for vocalization and which were used for interpretation. The researchers found something rather interesting - that women use about twice the brain area for interpretation that men use. The media quickly jumped on this with headlines such as "Women are twice as good at interpreting speech as men!" Seems fair doesn't it? It sure seems to fit a desired belief - which sells newspapers! The researchers came out after this media storm to say, "Actually, it probably doesn't mean that at all - what it seems to indicate is that men only NEED TO USE 1/2 the area that women need to do the same thing." That's a pretty different result, don't you think? You see, the lay interpretation of the results were motivated by a particular agenda - not science. That's why when I hear about these sorts of studies to include interpretations that I have to suspect the motivation behind them and the methods used to "discover" them. What's the assumption here? That women are more sexual than men? Why is that important? The message itself is totally irrelevant if that's the case! What seems to be going on is that an agenda has been formed (just as was yours in writing this to me) to imply something that is extremely popular today, but frankly, totally without merit: that women are exactly like men; or even more masculine than men, and that our understanding of ourselves is wrong. This is a highly liberal social agenda that has permeated the "woman's world" that is western society today. Here's what I believe about sexuality between men and women: they are equal from the standpoint that they affect us individually, but carry VERY different motivations. Women aren't more "sexual" than men, and men aren't more "emotional" than women. We both have different traits that work for and benefit us to thrive as a species. Instead of trying to show study after study that supposedly "proves" that women are "...just like men..." or "...more sexual than men..." or "...better than men..." (or whatever the agenda) we should not only accept the fact that we're very, very different, but embrace and even exploit those differences to everyone's benefit. Best regards... The "Date Canceller" and other Feminine Games Hey Doc! I've noticed a trend in my dating life that is really starting to piss me off. It's rare for me to make plans with a girl and to not have her try to cancel on me or suddenly be "too busy" to keep our date. I'm so tired of games like that. Are they trying to see how much I want them or how much bullshit I'll put up with? Hello! Yes, I've been seeing more and more of this over the last few years too. You're not alone, trust me. Many women are doing this these days. It's a weird combination of being flaky, inconsiderate and trying to up their own value in your eyes. It comes directly from insecurity, but regardless, it's incredibly rude, and these girls actually think that by doing this, you're going to have an emotional reaction and will start to actually think of them, thus creating greater value for them in your eyes. I know, I know, that's just fucking stupid, but believe me, not only do I see this all over the place, but in fact, I actually see so called "experts" actually TELLING girls to do this! No shit! They also tell girls not to answer the phone when you call and to not return phone calls, etc.! Un-fucking-believable! There are some great ways to counter this by the way, but first off, remember that if some idiot wants to play these games with you before you've even kicked anything off, what is she going to be like if and when you actually DO establish a relationship? The fact is, if you fall for these games you'll also lose value in HER eyes! No woman really wants a guy that will put up with this crap. This is a weak, no-skill guy and one of the reasons why these women are pulling these games in the first place is to weed-out the guys that will keep chasing them (they only serve to give the girls a much-needed ego boost) from the guys that won't put up with this shit, (the guys she REALLY wants to be with.) So, you want to be the guy that won't put up with it. The question then, is how do you do that without coming off like a total loser? There are a number of things you need to do: First, be much better at setting the dates in the first place. When you set a date be absolutely clear on when, where, etc., and make sure she writes it down - don't let her pull the old, "Oh, I'll remember crap", only to have her claim she forgot later on. Many girls will say, "Oh, call me the day before to confirm." Dumb guys say, "Ok" and then, when they call, the girl doesn't answer. Instead say, "Huh? No, we're setting the date right now. Write it down. If you don't know how to use a calendar, you're never going to figure out how to work me! I don't have to time to confirm things twice." Even if she does answer when a guy calls to confirm, this just gives her a chance to pull some stupid shit on you again and blow you off. "Oh! I can't make it tomorrow, my girlfriend from New York is in town unexpectedly and I have this emergency with my cat and ..." Yeah, right. None of this is true! Don't put up with it. The second thing is when you set the date say, "Now, let's get this out in the open. You're not one of those dumb girls that tries to cancel a date an hour beforehand are you? Because you need to know that I'm busy and I need AT LEAST 24 hour's cancellation notice of any 'emergencies'. Do you expect some 'emergency' to come up? If so, tell me now and we'll cancel right now." This is going to prevent her from canceling on you at the last minute. Another game women play is to just not show up. When you're waiting for them for 20 minutes and she's not there without a call (and you need to make sure she has and writes down your cell number too!) she's not going to pick-up when you call her. The best way to handle this is to call her and leave the following message: "Hello [dumb girl's name], this is [your name]. You know we had a date today at 8 [or whenever] and you've obviously flaked on me without even bothering to call. That's extremely rude and has just taken you off my list as I know any normal [yes, use that word] girl would have called if there was a problem. If you're still planning on showing up late, please don't. I'm calling another girl I want to get to know instead. You can call me tomorrow to explain. My number is..." Wow! Talk about a kick in the chops! *IF* she calls you the next day, be ready for all the excuses in the world. Don't accept any of them. If you do, you look like a chump and will have ended your chances. If you don't put up with it, you'll have just told her that you're someone of value. If she apologizes and is genuinely remorseful, then give her ONE MORE chance. This next time, tell her that you're not going to go somewhere and wait around to see if she shows. She's obviously not trustworthy. The only way you'll go out with her again is to pick her up at her house - and only then, based on her telling you how she's going to make this insult up to you. Don't put up with this shit from women. Best regards... I've been friends with this girl all through high school but since December we have been best friends. The past 2 months we have brought our friendship to a new level - friends with benefits you could say. She has been going out with another guy for about 2 years but they were on a "break" when this stuff happened and he is a real douche bag to her and doesn't treat her good at all. She always talks to me about it and we have talked about going out but she always says that she feels like she has to be with him because her parents like him. The problem is that we get along so good and have amazing times when we are together. I just don't know what to do because she is giving this guys another chance for the hundredth time, when I'm sitting here waiting for my first chance. I can't stop thinking bout her. Shat should I do? Hello! I'm going to answer your question, but I want you to stop and think about this for a minute: supposedly she's on a "break" and yet she's banging it out with you? What kind of break is that? If you ask me, it's a pretty damn disrespectful one to everyone involved - her boyfriend AND you! This technicality doesn't change her relationship with this guy. In order to understand this, go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and click on BAM TV. Watch the video there on breaks. The bottom line is that she's using both of you. She goes running back to this guy that supposedly mistreats her (and remember, you're only getting one side of the story AND you're not exactly uninvolved here to see both sides easily) but she keeps you hanging on in the wings whenever she wants something different. She knows damn well what you're doing there by the way. Bobby, the real problem here is you. You're in control here if you'd just take it, but instead, you let her take the lead out of fear of losing her. She doesn't want that position and it's the specific reason why she doesn't dump this guy for you. Now, what would happen if you got scarce and started dating other girls? What you fear is that she would bond even tighter with her boyfriend. The reality is that she would miss you and wonder why you're not around. Your answer to that is that you're tired of her screwing up her life with such a loser when she has someone like you around and since she doesn't seem to know the difference, you're going to go find a girl that does. Do you think that attitude is going to get her off the fence? Well, one thing we do know is that the way things are now isn't working out very well for you. It's time to change your actions if you want to change your situation. Even better, if you're dating 2 or 3 other girls, you're not really going to care very much about what she does anyway! Best regards... Help! I Lied to My Girlfriend! My girlfriend of two years sent me a nice email while I was working. I saw it, read it, and then did not respond as I wanted to get back to work and didn't think anything of it. When I finished working, she had texted me asking why I had not responded. I told her that I had just read it, and that it was nice. She had looked in my email (to make sure it had sent) and saw that I had read it many hours before. She confronted me on it and told me that it is hard for her to trust people, and that she doesn't know if she can trust me any more. I feel terrible and apologized many times, but am not sure what else I can do. Any ideas? Thanks! Hello! Wait a minute here. First of all, what in the hell is she doing going through your email??? That is your PRIVATE email and she has no business going through it any more than you have going through hers. Change your password right now! Second, you lied to her? Big fucking deal!!! Do you honestly think she hasn't lied to you? Come on already! Here's the reality: EVERYONE, BUT EVERYONE lies. It's an ingrained part of our communication systems. EVERYONE does it! Anyone that claims they don't is a damn liar! For her to try to hold you to some unreasonable standard as to have to make up for her feelings being hurt by someone else is pure rubbish - made only the worse by you accepting such a ridiculous responsibility! You're not her therapist; you're her boyfriend, (right?) You've already apologized and that's that. Now, you need to go to her and ask her what in the fuck she's doing checking up on you and what you say. You were busy - that's it! It's not a big deal and you simply tried to find the most expedient way to deal with the issue which was to lie. BIG FUCKING DEAL!!! Nobody died. Nobody was sent to jail. Nobody's Christmas was ruined. Sheesh! Tell her to let it go already and that you're not going to be responsible for making up for all the hurts of her past. If that's what she's looking for - total and complete honesty - she's going to wind up being one very sad, very lonely lady. And YOU stop being such a pussy and putting up with all of this nonsense! It's time to man-up here my brother. Stop feeling terrible and stop apologizing or you're going to lose this girl. She needs your strength, not your weakness and guilt. Best regards... Hi Dennis, I have been working on putting together a few work shops for women on how to attract the kind of man they desire so naturally I have been doing my research on how the other side goes about this. From a woman's perspective, you are 100% on target. Just reading what suggestions you have given men about passing the "tests" I suddenly realized THAT was exactly what I was looking for, a man who could pass these tests. I can say truthfully, we women (most of us anyway), do not specifically plan and execute these tests as pre-planned events, they just sneak up on us as a subconscious way of weeding through the wimps to find that one real man who we all want to believe still exists out there. Ok to my question: so where do we women go to find men who actually understand these concepts? Nothing is less appealing to us than to have to educate a man on how to be a man. I have actually given a few men clues! I said several times "I will test you and do not fail." When they ask what the test will be I usually have said something along the lines of "well it will be something that shows me if you are a man in control or not. Do not allow me to take control." This is of course after they have given me an indication that perhaps they will let the test go right over their heads. At this point, I usually know it's too late for them but always the optimist, I held out hope they may surprise me and step up. So far they haven't surprised me. I believe there are many great men out here that just need to learn what you are teaching them. To bad this wasn't a required course in high school... many people would be in happy lasting relationships now if it had been. Now I want to teach them this as they grow up and I want to find a real man as I simply won't settle or less. Thank you Dennis for what you are doing for the male population and for society in general, this is what has been lacking since the 70's. Hello! Thanks for your comments. It's particularly heartening to hear that you accept "The Test" for what it is. You'd be surprised at how many people I explain this phenomenon to that simply don't want to believe it. Of course, when we start getting deeper into it, it becomes obvious that it's happening - by the very women that claim it doesn't happen! The Test (and it's younger cousins the "Pre-Test", the "Mini-Test" and the "Test by Proxy") are all subconscious actions with the same primary goal: to determine which men will actively build the kind of relationships for themselves and their girls that you girls ultimately need to feel safe and secure. Let's face it; you'll never feel love unless you first feel this security. I go into these in great depth in my own seminars, books and recordings as I believe they are the most important lesson for guys to not only hear, but to fully understand. You'd be surprised (or then, maybe you wouldn't) to learn how many guys reject the concept outright - or simply don't want to believe it. It's so foreign to men's own reactions that they don't want to see it in anyone else. Interestingly, I have never met anyone that actually told the men she dates that she gives these tests however! I think that is a fascinating study in and of itself! I'll bet you're either so frustrated with men that can't pass these tests (let alone recognize them) or you're just this generous. In either case, you must be amazingly patient! I also agree with you - men today (even older guys) just don't know about these Tests and choose to sit back and do nothing about them. Trying to reach these guys is a monumental task, but we're trying every venue possible from my website (http://beingaman.com) to my books, CD's, DVD's, seminars, articles, these answers and our new show, BAM! TV (http://beingaman.tv). Interestingly, on the flip side, you girls do a lot of damage to yourselves in order to find the guys that organically understand Tests. A good example is all the women that look for and actually date jerks (all while claiming they don't! How cute!) Indeed, SOME jerks understand the Test, but most don't. They are simply assholes that don't know any better. These guys are even tougher to educate simply because they're arrogant; but arrogant without a purpose. Some male archetypes that are more likely to get this are:
...but this is still a crap-shoot as not all the men in these areas are clear either. It's just that there is a higher percentage. I wish I had a better answer for you, but the reality is, there are very few male roll models today that men can draw from to learn these skills. The worst news is that women are the ones that are suffering the most because of it. Best regards... Hello. My boyfriend wants me to visit him every evening. When I'm there, his idea about spending ideal time together is watching sports on TV. I don't like sports so I get very bored. How could I make our time together more interesting for both of us? Hello! I recommend that you two get a "couple's hobby". This is simply something that neither of you have ever done before, but that you're both interested in. Then, you get to start at the same place. This will give you something new that you both can get exited about and share and grow together through. You can even get involved with organizations that are built around that hobby and meet other friends that share the same interests. What you're effectively doing is building an entire community through just doing something fun. Your boyfriend needs to understand your lack of interest in sports and also needs to understand that your relationship needs to be built on more than his interests here if he wants to keep you. Really, how long could this possibly last? It sounds pretty boring to me. Best regards. Last year, I met a 36 year-old man (I am 45) and when we instantly connected. We met through a dating site. He picked me up at home and the rest is history. He knew I was falling for him and began to retreat. He travels a lot with his job but I wasn't used to how to handle a long distance relationship. I started feeling rejected when he didn't call or visit as frequently as I wanted, so I went to a bar and met someone (we ended up living together for about 6 weeks) and I used this relationship to try to open his eyes to bring us closer. It just tore us apart as it was more out of spite than real love for the guy I lived with. I broke it off with the live-in guy and came back to my home, but it was too late, the damage had already been done, and my guy was not happy with me at all. I have been trying to get him back ever since and we have been communicating and working on things, and have been seeing each other, on and off then, but if I see him once or twice a month I'm lucky. We usually just text message each other and talk on the phone once a week. He came to my house last month and we made love, but then I saw his profile back on the dating site and told him that he could not come to my house loving on me and wanting to date the whole world at the same time. He told me he was just not ready to settle down, so I cut him off from sex. I wasn't intending to be mean, but I needed to stand up for my own morals and values. It is too painful knowing while he is making love to me, that he might be carrying on with someone else too. I just can't deal with that. Now, it seems that since we are friends until he is ready to make up his mind and decide to become exclusive with me. He seems to respect me much more this way and responds to my text messages within minutes when before he wouldn't respond at all. We make each other laugh and smile and cut up a lot more now. I really believe we are helping each other to bridge a very painful gap. He knows I am not seeing anyone because he is the only one for me. We also give each other the space we need. I do not harass him by calling or texting all the time. I try to choose my call times very carefully so as not to overdo it, and it seems to be working. So, how can I get him to commit exclusively to me within the near future? I love him very much and he is truly the only one for me. I know there is no sure fire way to guarantee anything, but you're a man, so how do I do it? Please help! Hello! You have so many challenges here and so few opportunities, that I just don't see this working out well for you. I'll try to help and guide you, but you need to understand that the likelihood of getting what you want is very, very low. I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but I want you to have some reality in your life. I'm not in the "blowing smoke up your keester" business. First of all, let's get this clear: cutting him off from sex is as much to punish him as it is to deal with your after-sex insecurities. I want you to understand this because it will be poignant in a few moments. Second, by far your biggest problem is with the long-distance relationship thing. Here's the reality: LDR's NEVER work out. That's the fact. Before you go any further, please go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video on LDR's under BAM TV. Go ahead and do it now, I'll wait............................. Ok, did you watch it? Now you understand what you have working against you. This guy isn't emotionally tied to you. Further, every single emotional event in his life - or yours - continues to confound and frustrate you both as neither of you can be there for the other - to share or to offer support. What you're actually doing is building a "foundation of frustration" by trying to continue this! He's already replaced his emotional need for you with his need to NOT be frustrated by it all. Do you get that? Third, as intense as everything seemed in the beginning, I'll bet that was built artificially because of having met on the Internet. You've already discovered why that happens from the video. It's just that he's already come to that realization and you haven't. You're even holding off "fixing it" by not dating anyone else in hopes that he'll rise to the occasion. Really, how can that ever happen? Fourth, your plan to deny him sex only continues to work against your agenda - and in favor of his to not commit! Here's the reality: healthy, loving relationships have a healthy, loving sex life. In fact, even bad marriages will continue to stay together if the sex is incredible. On the flip side, I've seen few marriages survive terrible sex lives. Think about that. What you're doing is denying him the one thing that would keep him around; and you're doing it as much for punishment as for self-preservation! Of course things are less stressful now! There's no implication of anything further on his part! He's no longer beholden to you for your feelings, for your emotions, etc., because you've turned him away for in the primary means you have to keep him. That's not a very smart plan. With all of this taken together, your chances of actually building the relationship you want is pretty damn slim. I wish better for you, but I'm a realist. If you want some advice on how to get him to commit to you, here it is: First of all, if you can't sleep with him out of your own needs, then at the very least, blow him every single time you see him! Think about this for a minute: when you and he see each other, don't you think that you're generating all sorts of sexual energies together? Of course you are. It's that sexual energy that men use in order to become emotionally attached! Thus, what you're doing is sending him away - and into some other woman's arms - with all the sexual tension YOU'VE created! Now, how stupid is that?? Answer: it's WAY, WAY stupid! Don't ever let this guy leave you with his trigger cocked! Another reason why you don't want to do this is that your "relationship" (not a real one, I'm afraid) is all about frustration. Now, you want to add even MORE frustration to it? Please don't do this. You're far better off NOT seeing him than to see him and continue to build more and more frustration between you. Another thing you need to consider is exactly what he wants in his life. He's out of town a lot, but that doesn't mean he wants to be alone. Your "electronic romance" isn't much of a substitute - just more frustration. You need to find a way to build the closeness between you while at the same time discovering what it is that he needs in order to trade his freedom for a commitment with you. Go back and re-read that sentence until it really sinks in. Men's view of commitment is very different from women's. Whereas you see commitment as security, fidelity, future, success, love, etc., we see it as loss of choice, loss of freedom, stress, responsibility, etc. What you have to do is to discover exactly what he needs in order to take on these negative things. In other words, what things are so important to him that he'd willingly take on all of this to get it. Then, all you need to do is to become that woman to him. It's really that simple. I hope that gives you what you're looking for. Best regards... Learning to Climax During Intercourse Dear Dr Neder I have a sexual problem. I enjoy having sex, but it seems I never reach orgasm. It's really bothering me because I can reach orgasm only by stimulating the clitoris, but when I am having sex with my boyfriend it just doesn't happen. Could you tell me what can I do? Hello! First of all, this isn't exactly the problem it seems to be. I'll explain that in a minute. Do you know that 2/3's of women are just like you? They can't reach climax from intercourse alone either! This isn't odd at all. In fact, not only is your sexuality much more complicated than men's but your sexual anatomy is more complicated too. While having an orgasm during sex is a great thing, it shouldn't be your specific goal. Instead, your goal should be to have a great, satisfying sex life in whatever form it takes. Let's say that while you don't know how to climax (yet) from sex, but your man gives you some glorious orgasms orally or manually either before or after having sex with you, is that a bad thing? Absolutely not! Sex is about connection and communication as much as it is about the relief of sexual tension. All of the things combined together make it more than just the orgasm alone. That's not to say however that you absolutely can't climax during intercourse however, but you may need to go about it in a somewhat different way. Your own masturbation is they key. I hope you masturbate regularly and often. It's important for many reasons from improving your overall health to letting you explore your sexuality in a safe, private way. Just as important, it's a ton of fun! HOW you masturbate is just as important however. Some women use just their fingers; some use vibrators, some use the bathtub faucet or shower massager, some rub against pillows or blankets, etc. There are tons of ways for women to masturbate. Now, let's say that you introduced that masturbation into your sex. Obviously, you can masturbate to climax by yourself, but what if you were to masturbate while your lover is inside of you? For instance, let's say that you masturbate with your fingers or a vibrator. You can include this during sex! The best way is for you to position yourself with your shoulders on the bed (or floor or wherever) with your ass in the air. Your lover enters you from behind and you can either rub your clit or use your vibrator at the same time. This may take a little practice, but trust me; you'll start having climaxes while you're having sex. Even more important, you'll actually be training your own mind that intercourse equals orgasm. Some women are able to learn to cum simply through intercourse with this technique. This can even become a game where you and your partner go out and find the perfect toy to use. There are many different ones from straight dildo-like vibrators, to the "pocket rocket" (something I believe all women should carry in their purses!) to vibrating cock rings. You can explore all of these fun toys as part of your sexual experience. This is [pun intended] fucking-fun! Whether you do or not isn't really the point however. Having a fulfilling, healthy, happy, exciting sex life IS. Don't obsess on when or how you cum - just cum and love doing it!!! Best regards... Hello Doc, I'm sure you've been asked this question before. My girlfriend does not want to perform oral sex on me. Is there a way I can get her to change her mind? I mean, ever since the day she told me, I've been fine with it. I told her I had no problem with it. And she doesn't know that I feel this way. I much rather have her do it than not do it. So is there a way to get her to change her mind at all? Hello! You bet there is. First of all, you need to come clean about your desire for oral sex. Since you've told her otherwise (in effect, lying to her) she doesn't get the opportunity to deal with her own issues surrounding it. Explain to her that you knew (or sensed) that she wasn't into it and; rather than creating an issue around it, you chose to tell her a little white lie. Now that you're relationship is going well you want to start expanding up your sexual scope to include other fun sex like oral sex, etc. You should also explain to her that while it's not a deal breaker, you want more variety in your sex and that you'll help her learn to be really good at it. More important, it'll be fun! At the same time, get her to talk about what she'd like to see more of too. Just as you grow your relationship to be closer and better, you need to focus on doing the same thing with your sex life. As I constantly tell people, bad relationships that have great sex will continue to survive, but good relationships with bad sex almost always fail. It's important to have your needs met and to meet hers as well. Therefore, don't stop at telling her what you want, you also need to know what she wants too. This is a good time to start expanding your sexual horizons! One way to do this is to start talking about your fantasies. She may be uncomfortable at about at first, but as soon as she knows you're sincere and that you aren't going to judge her based on this, she'll start to open up to you. This gives you some new material to really ramp-up your sex life, but even more important, will help you to really bond and become closer. Best regards... Hi Doc: I am 30 years old and have never been on a date. I had very bad anxiety because of my obsessive compulsive disorder. It's not as bad now, but I don't have much experience talking to people. I talk to people at work and they want to help me, but I fear I am not experienced enough. I don't drink, dance, smoke or do drugs. I don't go to clubs or bars or anything. All the places I go seem pretty boring to others when I think about it and it's hard for me to want to go anywhere else. I have no idea what to do. Please advise. Hello! First of all, open the lid to the box you've created for yourself and get some air! More than half of your question was telling me about all the things you don't do. What about the things you DO do? What you're doing is creating all sorts of mental barriers to having what you want rather than seeing all the opportunities that you do have. This is where we need to begin - by changing you from a "move away" type of person to a "moving toward" type of person. In other words, by focusing in what you don't do; don't have; don't want, etc., you're pushing your own life away from you. Frankly, that's entirely the wrong focus here. What you want to do is to focus on specifically what you do what, what you do like, etc. You see, great women are all over the place. Every time you go out to grab a bite to eat, go to the bookstore, go fill your car with gas, go to the doctor or even go to work - you see great women there. These are your "opportunities". The only challenge you face is that you don't have enough experience or security in order to meet these women. This has been a pattern for 30 years of your life. How has that worked out for you? Is it getting you where you want to go? Are you happy with the results? Obviously, you are not. You know there is more out there for you and you want to have that. I want you to have that too. So, what separates you from having what you want? Answer: two things: attitude and education. That's it! Seems overly simple doesn't it? Well, it's not. We start by changing your attitude from "can't", "won't", "don't" to "can", "will" and "do". This is the beginning of everything, and is based on pure belief-science. In fact, it works for you just as it does everyone else. It's time to start seeing the possibilities here. You should also understand that you're not alone here. I get letters every week from guys (and girls too!) just like you that are in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and even 60's that have never been on a date or even kissed someone else! These people can change their lives and so can you. You simply have to believe it's true so that you start seeing opportunity all around you rather than limitations. The only limitations you face are within those 6 inches between your ears. Now, on to the next part, the education. Let's say that you knew exactly what to say to some woman you thought was cute. Then, when she responded (well by the way - people are generally interested in meeting and talking with other people they find interesting) you could respond equally well and with confidence. Do you think you'd have trouble talking to women - or anyone for that matter? Of course not. It'd almost be easy, even fun! That's the way this evolution happens. You begin your education by learning some simple facts about us humans. One of the most important is this: everyone is most interested in just one thing: themselves. Armed with that knowledge, all you need is to talk about your targets (the woman you want to approach) favorite subject: herself! I'm getting a little ahead of myself however because before you start talking to her about her, you first need to find and approach her, right? As I've already said, this is actually pretty easy too. Great women are everywhere! You just have to be outside your own home to meet them. Next comes the approach. How do you actually strike up a conversation with someone? I teach a thing called "context". It's very simple. All you have to do is to ask yourself, "what do her and I have in common at this very instant in time at this very place?" It could be the fact that she likes sub sandwiches (sandwich shop), or reads fiction (bookstore) or owns a car and needs to have new tires put on it (tire shop), etc. It could even be the weather or the fact that you both live in the same city. In fact, the context doesn't really even matter! It can be absolutely anything! Once you start the approach, you learn to ask open-ended questions in order to get her talking and by doing so, you begin to establish rapport and connection (using communication skills that you'll learn) which leads to attraction. Finally, you close for numbers or even impromptu dates. It all seems very simple, because it is! The trick however is to learn all of these skills just like you learn to do your job. Which is more important to you? Obviously you have to work to survive, but you have to love to really live! I suggest you get started right away on building this new knowledge base. Go get copies of my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and get started with your education. You've already spent 30 years not knowing all of these things. Why not spend the next year building that knowledge so that you can spend the next 30 years exploiting it? Best regards Interviewing For the
Love of Your Life You probably had to interview in order to get your job. This interview process is an extremely important part of being hired because it tells the employer many things about you - how well you think on your feet, how well thought out your answer to questions are, how you present yourself, etc. Passing the interview is the key to getting the job. Have you ever considered interviewing (or being interviewed for) the next love of your life? It's an interesting question when you consider that the interview is really the first 4-5 dates! Most first dates last between 1 to several hours. That's very long interview in anyone's book! How well you do here can make or break the future relationship. Your entire perception of the other person is going to change dramatically during this time. Trust me on this one - they always do. Let's talk about how to conduct the first dates (interviews) to determine what you want to know about the other person - and how to interpret what you learn - as well as how to be interviewed. 1. You need goals! This is the most important - and the most often missed - aspect of the first dates; let alone, relationships. You need to know what it is that YOU want! If you don't know, (and by "know", I mean know specifically), then you're not going to have the information you need in order to make good decisions about this person. Yes, I know that if you've read many of my articles, you also know that I harp on having written relationship goals. This is the single most important thing you can do to get exactly what you want. As I constantly say, if you don't know what you want, then the very first person that walks by is the right one because they fit exactly what you've asked for. Don't make the mistake so many people make and just leave this up to impressions only. Sure you want to have a good impression of this person (and to leave one of yourself), however, many people go on dates thinking that if this person doesn't WOW them, they aren't the right one. That's foolish! Not everyone makes a great first impression. On the other hand, if you know what you're looking for, not only can you ask your date about these issues, you can also apply answers to them before you even ask! Many people will volunteer great information about themselves that you can use instead of specifically asking. You'll already know to be listening for these things and will recognize them when you hear them. 2. Determine what's important. One of the most difficult aspects of the first dates is to separate what is real information out from what is not. People on first dates want to present themselves in the best light. They want to seem confident, bright, funny (and fun), positive, interesting, etc. They are also usually nervous. This nervousness can cause many people to overstate their accomplishments, beliefs, goals, history, etc. I can't tell you how many times I've heard women say (or received letters from my readers stating) things that are totally contrary to what I already know she wants. For example, she might mention during one part of the date how "independent" she is (which I've written a large amount on my website; the "Independent Woman Syndrome": http://beingaman.com) only to find out later that she's never even been on her own! Another thing I often hear on a first date is something like, "I just love being single" as though that's her goal. How ridiculous is that? If a woman really wants to STAY single that's fine, but she isn't likely to make good relationship material. Likewise, going on dates isn't a very good way to remain single. The point of this is that many contrary things are said during dates and you have to learn - or glean - what is real information from what is misdirection. The simple way to do this is to just bring it up again later on in the conversation. If your date really feels this way, their answer will be the same every time you ask. 3. Work it into the conversation. You don't want a date to seem like an interview. If you just rapid-fire questions at your date, it's not going to be very much fun for either of you. The point of these first dates is to get to know someone and to establish rapport and connection. The best way to do this is simply to listen to everything said. When you touch on a subject that's important to you (again, based on your goals), you can ask more about that topic. I've included a short list of topics that you will want to ask about later in this article. At the same time, you can also let your date know more about you and your goals too. You shouldn't just unload on someone; and trust me, I've seen this happen often! The point of a date isn't to simply take one breath and see how many words you can spew with it. It's a give and take process. You get some information and you give some information as part of the exchange. 4. Review the answers. You probably didn't get every one of your questions answered, in fact, I hope you didn't! One or two dates probably aren't enough time for you to know everything you want about the other person. In order to save time, many people will extrapolate certain things said into other areas. Women are particularly notorious about this. For instance, if a man says that he's looking to settle down, she might interpret that as the fact that he's boring. Obviously that wasn't what was said, and women have to really watch themselves to not read too much beyond what a man says. Likewise if a man says that he wants an "exciting relationship", she might take that to mean he's looking to date lots of women and is a player. Experience information (such as past relationships) can really help you understand how someone views their own future. These become examples of what you can expect, but you should look beyond what is said into what they really mean by asking them specifically. If what was said doesn't make sense, why not ask them to clarify or even to give examples? 5. A basic interview template. Are there basic things you want to know about another person? You bet there are! If you combine these things with your goals, you'll have everything you need to make a decision about the person. Here a simple list of things to ask:
6. After the date. After you end the date, you should reflect on what things were said and how they apply to your goals. This lets you see how the person fits with what you want. If you didn't ask a question, that's fine - you now have a good reason for another date. Likewise, if you didn't understand the answer to something, you can always ask again later. Best regards. Have you ever seen a magician at a party walking around doing close-up magic? Everyone seems fascinated by it – even if the magician isn’t that good. There are probably just as many people hoping the performer will flop as those that are fascinated by it. This brings me to an interesting way to approach women – by using magic. Many guys will hang around an old haunt looking at all the great women come and go, but will never actually approach them. If they do approach someone, it’s usually after having watched her for quite a while, built up their courage (or drank enough of it) and then they approach. These guys also often fail simply because they don’t have a good ice-breaker – or any real game for that matter. The benefit of learning a few magic tricks is that it both gives you a reason to approach someone and acts as the ice-breaker, all at once. It doesn’t even matter if you’re good at it or not! Most people will feel badly for you if the trick doesn’t go well and let you off the hook saying, “Well, at least you tried!” In fact, you did. That’s the point of this approach. You put yourself out there and took a small risk. If you remember my article from last week, “The Three Keys to the Approach”, (http://beingaman.com/articles.asp?id=467) you’ll remember how important it is to stay positive, confident and upbeat all while putting yourself “out there”. What’s really great about this approach is that it’s the trick itself that is “out there” – not you. Further, you don’t have to risk much as most everyone is interested in watching. You can approach individual women or groups of people – it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to get into a bunch of magic tricks here as there are many good books on the subject. You can just learn a few fun ones and use them to approach anyone, anywhere. Of course the magic is only the ice-breaker. You then need to be able to carry it somewhere. You can’t just make a coin disappear and then ask for a phone number! That is a good way to make your target disappear! Instead, you have to establish some rapport once you’ve broken the ice, but at least the ice is now broken and the transition should be much easier. Keep in mind that you can also use a few magic tricks to build the rapport after the approach. Once you start talking to someone and get the ball rolling, throwing in a couple of magic tricks is a fun, safe way to draw in your target. Best regards The Three Keys to the Cold
Approach Do you find it difficult to approach women you don't know? Most guys do so don't feel alone. I'm going to give you the three keys that'll make the cold approach easy, fun and very, very profitable. Key #1 - Practice talking to everyone, everywhere If the only time you try to talk to strangers is when you want their phone numbers, it's going to be very difficult to be calm and confident. In the back of your mind, you're going to be thinking that you want something from them. Thus, you're going to be nervous. On the other hand, if you get used to talking to people everywhere you go, talking to a woman you'd like to get to know better will seem easy and even common. Just imagine how much confidence that will create in you! You'll instantly know that you can talk to any woman anywhere. Unless you spend your entire life behind a wall, you have to come in contact with people and every opportunity should be another chance to practice this valuable skill. You can begin by just saying "hello" and making eye contact if you feel uncomfortable with full sentences, but don't stop here. Learn to think in terms of "context". Specifically, what about the current situation gives you something in common with others around you? It might be some past experience, a humorous idea, an opinion or a situation. In fact, it doesn't even matter! Just say it! It also doesn't matter if you fall flat on your face! That might seem embarrassing, but let me give you an example. One time I was standing in the isle of a store and there was this cute girl standing about 30 feet down the same isle. I walked up to her and said something (I don't even remember what it was!) and she just looked at me in horror! After a shocked moment, I looked at her and said, "You know, that sounded much better in my head than it sounded when it left my lips!" She broke out laughing - both to ease the tension, and because it was funny. Get used to talking to people everywhere, every day, starting today. Key #2 - Be positive, upbeat and enthusiastic You can't be upbeat every single day of your life - or can you? Just like practice in talking to people, you can also practice being upbeat and enthusiastic. Listen to music that really gets you moving or think back to a time when you felt totally in control and powerful. Create these feelings in yourself by practicing them everyday. You want to be able to pull from this whenever it works for you. It's fun to be upbeat and it comes through in everything you do. When you talk to others and are enthusiastic and engaging, they will often respond to you in like kind. Let me give you an example. I was in a bank one time and finally walked up to the teller after being in line for over 30 minutes. When I walked up, the cute teller behind the window said in her "I've-Already-Said-This-One-Hundred-Times-Today" voice, "How are you today sir?" Her eyes were almost lifeless as the words left her lips. With a smile on my face and looking her square in the eye, I slapped the counter in front of her and said, "It's the best damn day of my whole life!" Her eyes widened and the color almost instantly returned to her cheeks along with one of the most beautiful smiles I'd seen all day. "Oh really? Why is that?" she asked. I said, "Just because it's a great day. I even met you today. How great is that?" Her smile grew even bigger and she even seemed to forget why I was there. "Wow, what a great attitude you have!" she said. We conducted our banking business, but she didn't want to seem to let the moment go. So I said, "Hey, I know - give me your phone number and let's have a drink sometime. Here, write it on my deposit receipt." She did, and I dated her for over 2 years! Enthusiasm is a powerful tool! Key #3 - If you do these things, women will often do your work for you! Dwell on these images of positive enthusiasm, confidence and power - they will quickly become part of you. When you feel this way, you also show it outwardly. This just seems to draw people to you. Women are especially tuned to this. When you stand out like this you tell everyone around you that you're not afraid or timid or lacking in self worth. After all, if you're willing to prove it by your outward nature, you must have a lot more behind it - right? So many women are tired of the "just-walks-through-life" kind of men they meet that when they see a guy like you that is actually happy, you just stand out. Like moths to a flame, these women will often seek you out just to find out why you're so upbeat. Of course, they also know that it's your job to close so you need some skills behind you as well, but don't be surprised if women seem strangely attracted to your new upbeat persona and will want to talk to you. Best regards... Hi I was wondering if you could give me some feedback on this situation I find myself in. I'm a 30 year old guy with 2 children, both under 10. I have been with my wife twelve years. She cheated on me when we first got together (I was 19) with an ex-boyfriend. We already had a 1-year-old child by that time, so I forgave her. She always wanted to go out and party with her friends as she was also only 19. I said no but she ignored me and would go out anyway. I finally left for two weeks but she wanted to talk and asked me to come back (actually, she threaten me with killing herself) so I agreed only to find out that she had slept with someone else while I was gone. This took a few years to finally calm down. After that she didn't go out again until about 2 years ago when I went to university and thought we had built up trust again. She would go out with her friends from work, while I would sit at home with the children worrying. She would often come home and blatantly state how men were dancing with her and how they had kissed her but it meant nothing and excused it away as her just being flirty. She said loved me and would never jeopardize the marriage. Over Christmas she went out with a friend to a local pub and told me the day after that she had slept with someone and that she didn't know why. All she could say was you were to busy with your work, but she wanted to sort it out. We have been arguing about it up until last week when she says that she wants a fresh start and asked me to leave. I saw my kids last Sunday and she was very cold. Monday I received a text message saying she was seeing a guy I knew from the local pub and moved him into our house. I went and tried to talk to her and was told to go away in no uncertain terms. This guy has moved in 3 days after me leaving! I was just wandering what's going on here? Any insight could help greatly. Hello! Here's what's going on: you're a pussy. You allow any damn thing your cheating, abusive wife wants and now she finally got totally fed up with it and has decided to move on with her life. Only NOW are you asking for advice? After 11 years of this what do you expect? You let her go out on her own, partying, dancing, cavorting and having any tryst she wants to have with any guy that is in the same 100 meters of her. She cheats and then throws it in your face because she knows you'll just take it. You constantly take her back and when she doesn't seem like she wants that, you beg. What kind of example do you think you're setting for your children? Yes, she is too, but she didn't write to me - you did. I know that you didn't expect me to have me pound on you, but frankly, nobody else has, and that's exactly what you need right now. Your wife has been asking (begging, really) for you to stand up and be the man in the house; to take control, tell her and the family how things are going to be and to stop just putting up with it. What have you done? You've given in to everything and anything she wants and now you're surprised that she has found some new guy (that she hopes will be the man you haven't been) and has replaced you both in your own house and in the eyes of your children. My brother, you're headed straight for a divorce. The UK isn't any kinder to fathers than the US is, and you'd better see this coming right now. What you do over the next few days is going to be the deciding factor here. I strongly urge you to seek a good divorce lawyer right now - don't be blindsided by this - be proactive instead. (Don't be surprised if empties the bank accounts next.) Then, talk to your attorney and plan to file. Right now, you have some clothes and she has EVERYTHING ELSE. The court isn't likely to make her give you any of it, nor are they going to insure you even get to see the kids, so you need to fight for what is yours. For once in your married life, please get some backbone and handle this! If you don't, she's going to handle it for you and you're not going to come out even - trust me on this! Best regards I Feel Like I've Been
Waiting Forever! Doc: My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have lived together for 2 years and we get along fine. We have our times but not many of them. I do everything for him: cook, clean, and everything else a wife would do. I love him very much but I want to start a family. I don't mean have kids right away, but for it to be just him and me for awhile. We share and do everything together. He just won't ask me to marry him and we have talked about it. He told me recently he has begun to think about it but I have been ready to get married for over a year. Is there anyway I can get him to ask me or at least rush him along with the process? The whole idea now just gets me stressed because I can't imagine a world without him but he is a stubborn man who will do things in his own way and on his own time. How can I persuade him to take the plunge without coming out and being pushy? Hello! Is there a way? Sure there is. But, before I go into all of that, let me ask you a question: do you really care whether or not you have a good marriage? Is being married all you care about? If so, then, go find someone this next weekend that'll marry you. You seem like a nice girl and shouldn't have any problem finding someone that will marry you. Then, you'll be happy, right? Of course not. You're making a classic mistake in thinking that being married = happiness. You've probably spent many years even planning your wedding, imagining all of its details, etc. (most women do!) However, what's really important here is having a partner that WANTS to be with you and is READY to be with you. Simply hastening all of this isn't in your best interest. Marriage is difficult enough - even more difficult than living together. But, if you're willing to risk having a shitty marriage, just so long as you ARE married, continue reading. Your choices come down to just a few things: 1) Threaten him. Tell him that you think it's been long enough and that you aren't going to spend any more time waiting for him to get ready. If he doesn't propose, you're going to leave him and go find someone else. 2) Pester him. Keep bringing it up and acting all sad and dejected when you go to someone else's wedding and tell him how miserable you are because you're not married. Remind him about all your friends that are either married, engaged or talking about marriage. Generally, make his life hell until he finally proposes to you. 3) Get pregnant - or at least claim to be. Maybe you can trick him into marrying you. However, if this backfires, you'll just be yet another single mother trying to make ends meet while someone else raises your kid. 4) Do nothing. Just mope and pout and when he asks you want's wrong, say "Oh - nothing!" and get angry. Mistreat him and when he has enough of it and demands to know what's wrong, just tell him that you had expected that he's "be a man" or something equally inciting and ask you to marry him. 5) Propose yourself. If you do this, don't be surprised if he turns you down. What's that I hear? You say that you don't like any of these options or have tried one or more of them and they didn't work? I'm not surprised. Actually, there's one more thing you can do and frankly, it's by far your best option. Talk to him; but don't do so in order to find out why he's not asking you to marry him. Instead, talk to him with some perspective behind you. Realize that he probably views marriage very differently than you do. He (like most men) likely sees marriage as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, etc. - not all the positive things you see in it. So, when you talk to him realize that you're trying to make discoveries. You're trying specifically to understand what he needs in order to take on this responsibility, stress and to lose his freedom. Really strive for understanding here. Don't assume anything. Learn exactly what he needs and wants in his life and what he'd trade to be married to someone. Then, just be that woman. Best regards... I was in a relationship for 5 and a half years. The relationship is breaking up. My partner is not satisfied with me, I believe. He has said he wants to see other people and wants to consider other options. But he says he still cares or me and he is confused. I just read a series of letters he wrote to some girl, and I am hurting like hell. He is my only friend and I feel like I am in complete darkness without him. I have decided to end the relationship. But I need your advice how I can get through this difficult situation and how we can remain friends and business partners. Thanks for everything, Hello! It appears that you invested 5 years into him and your relationship but forgot to invest in yourself. This is one of the most common reasons for people to break up! In a relationship where one partner grows faster than the other, there soon becomes no common-ground for the relationship to survive. Life is about growing and re-inventing one's self. Herein lies your opportunity for getting through all of this. Sit down and figure out what it is that you want in your life. Not "whom", but "what". Take some real time here and craft your ideal life. Sure - it's going to have a good, happy relationship in it, but that can't be all you're looking for. You have a clean slate now to decide exactly how you want your life to be. Try to be as specific as possible and take some real time here. As soon as you create this goal, next work on your plan. How are you going to achieve it? What changes have to be made in your life in order to get what you want? How will you go about effecting these changes? Create a real plan of action. The most important step is this: go from a "human being" to a "human doing". Take action! Get to work on your plan. Find something everyday that will get you closer to your goals and don't let a single day go by that you don't accomplish something positive. What you'll find is that when you focus on your own path and growth-plan great people seem to come to you. Some will help you reach your next goal and some will help you enjoy them. It doesn't matter which type a person is - they are all important as you move through your plan. The best part of this is that as you start to grow, you'll find that your pain starts to fade! You'll meet new guys, have new experiences, and become much more of the person you want to be. But, the trick is to get started. What can you do today to begin this process? I suggest you get started right now. Best regards... Dear Dennis: I wonder about this from time to time, but I figure that I need an answer from an insightful man in order to get a truthful answer on this: Do men respect women in general? Do men pity women in general, because of our vulnerabilities? Or do men have a certain "hard-to-explain" admiration for women at times and pity other times? What can a woman do to get and earn men's respect in most cases? A lot of men speak in a condescending way towards and about women. Can a woman have a lot of sex and still get a lot of respect? Can a woman talk about having a lot of sex and still get respect? Why do many women seem to never grow out of that adolescent unsure-of-themselves phase, while men tend to realize their strengths and utilize them to their benefit? Okay, it's a lot of questions - but they all really center around one general principle of respect. It seems to me that many women can't seem to get a grip on the power that they possess, and forever see themselves as being in a position whereby they have to compete and prove their worth - rather than being in a position where they already understand their worth and are just looking for a man who meets "their" standards. I see that women constantly compromise, when they don't need to - turn themselves into whores and fake bi-sexuals sometimes - just to compete with ambitious attention whores. What are your thoughts? Hello! Yes, that IS a lot of questions! However, there is one simple answer to them all: yes and no. Some men respect all women and some don't respect any women at all. Many women ("feminists" in particular) demand that all women (as a group) are given respect whereas many male chauvinists follow the policy of giving no woman respect whatsoever. In fact, in every case these are all stupid and ignorant philosophies! I've done many interviews wherein the interviewer (most often a feminist herself) accused me of not "respecting women"; usually because they read some small part of my book or an article that they don't like. My response is this: "You're right!" In fact, I don't respect "women". I also don't respect politicians or dog trainers or Christian fundamentalists or boy scouts or school teachers or those in the military or computer programmers or any other particular group of people. I only respect individuals; and then, only based on what they say and do. Indeed, there are many women that I have absolutely no respect for, and some of these have even earned my disdain. On the other hand, there are many women that have earned my highest respect. I would never presume to speak for every man out there, but according to my own research, and the huge number of letters I get everyday from readers, I believe that in general, most men feel very good about women. Is this "respect"? I can't say specifically, but I think there has to be at least some respect involved in order to have these kinds of positive feelings. If men are guilty of any respect-based crimes, I think it's giving away too much respect too soon, but in fact, this isn't a huge, rampant problem and most men learn to deal with this early on. On the other hand, men view women very *differently* than themselves. That difference in view doesn't mean that they don't respect women (or that they do either!), it's just "different". For example, I'm sure that you know many women that also view men differently than themselves. There's a reason why most women prefer a man that's taller - it's because they view these men as able to protect and even nurture them. This is a natural, inborn need for these women in order to feel love. On the other hand, they don't feel the same way about women that are taller than themselves however. Is that "respect"? Not really. It's just a different way of feeling about the opposite gender. Respect may be involved, but it's not the foundation of how they feel. In my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" I talk pretty heavily about these gender differences and specifically how they affect our relationships with each other. I want both men and women to learn to play into these differences for their own advantages. What you call "power" I simply call natural advantage, and I believe that each of us possesses different sets of these advantages in different measure. That's a good thing - especially when we learn to use them to improve our lives and even the lives of others around us. It's because of these differences however that I can't specifically answer your questions! For instance, "Can a woman that has lots of sex still be respected?" That's impossible to answer generally. For me, yes, she can earn my respect since the amount of sex she has had has no bearing on how I respect her. In fact, I think that someone that is highly sexually mature can be very respectable! What's more important to our very beings than our sexuality? I don't know of any particular attribute that is more foundational than our sexuality. Thus, someone that has worked hard to build theirs in a healthy way is someone that is likely to earn my respect. Likewise, someone that has avoided building and understanding their own sexuality is someone that is likely to NOT get my respect! Other men however see this either as a threat or view it negatively for some other belief. They might very well not give respect for this. Is that "wrong"? To me it is, but that's just one opinion. They feel it's perfectly right to believe as they do. What I advise people is to create their own yardsticks based on their own beliefs, desires, experiences and philosophies and to be clear about them. There's nothing wrong with adopting a particular belief system that someone else creates as long as they know WHY they believe as they do. Simply adopting something to fill in a gap isn't a respectable action. Knowing why someone believes in something and how it affects that individual - and adopting it because it fits well their own belief system - is. Then, when situations come along, they can simply apply that against their own yardsticks and see how they fit. If they fit well, then this person might (based on many other factors) be worthy of their respect. If not, they may choose to no respect that individual. Best regards... Do women even want a nice guy anymore? I've been a nice guy all my life. Upbringing taught me to be nice to everyone. I open doors for women, compliment them, laugh with them, do nice things for them such as favors and such. What do I get in return? "You're so sweet and thoughtful.." I HATE that phrase! I have been so unlucky with women because of this nice guy syndrome. I've even started reading books on how to be an Alpha male but you know what? The nice guy mindset still comes out. I'm tempted to just become a jerk and see where that will get me. I am confident so there is no problem in that area. Women just seem to want a man that can treat them badly it seems. What is with this? Help!! Hello! Actually, this is an excellent question! There's a dichotomy and huge misunderstandings about all of this. I'll try to explain it, but it's a little complicated, so stick with me. The short answer is yes, women want "nice guys", BUT (here's where things get complicated), they don't want them to start out as nice guys. They want them to become one later on. There's tons of science behind this that I'm not going to bore you with. Let me just tell you the facts. Women need to feel safe and secure with a guy in order to feel love. We offer some very important things that most women lack - I don't care what the feminists say! My own research bears this out time and time again. The problem is that women fight their own internal needs and drives in order to comform with images they get from a media that simply promotes agenda. It's difficult for many women to come to grips with these huge differences. An interesting aside however is that any guy that learns how this works and can bring it to her is an instant hero - and the woman benefits from being able to reconcile it all the rest of her life; but I digress. When you act like you're disinterested, are a challenge, seem like a basic jerk and any of the 1001 other concepts you've read in some books; you present an image of greater power to the women you meet. This power translates to the ability to provide, protect, etc. Nice guys come off as needy and wanting. They seem "sensitive" and are more in need of mothering than an Alpha or a jerk. Now, understand that this appeals to some women, but they are the minority. Most of the women you meet aren't like this, so the nice-guy image won't work in the vast majority of the cases simply because you won't appeal to her basic inner needs Now, some guys actually ARE jerks. They don't change from this image at all, and it's these guys that so many women are attracted to, get used by and get dumped by that they have become the major complaint of these women! You've heard all the stories, and unfortunately, many of them are true! The problem is that these girls are making the wrong choices - it's not the guys at all! Now, enter the guy that knows how to use these same attributes and meet, approach and close a woman, and continues them through the "sales process" and most women will be hooked. Then, slowly revert to the nice-guy thing again, but keep the jerk available when you need him again (and you WILL need him again - this is something I describe in my books as "The Test"), and you'll be the guy that almost any woman can fall in love with. Now, here's the good news. You can still be a nice guy IF (and frankly, ONLY IF) you build the right mindset in up front. This is what BAM ("Being a Man...") is all about. It's about expressing those things that women crave - and learning WHY they crave them while integrating all of this into your own personality. I believe that if you know WHY something is true, you'll automatically be able to answer all the "what's" about it. The problem that I see is that so many people teach technique and not foundations. Thus, unless you become the exact guy these books promote, you can't possibly be successful in their way. That's a waste in my humble. So, therein lies your challenge. You have to learn the RIGHT sort of jerk-attitudes, figure out when to apply them properly and when to pull back and you'll be that "chick magnet" you hear so much about. This is why you want to know WHY things are true - not WHAT is true. Finally, no, women don't want a man that treats them badly, (unless the girl is pretty fucked up; and there are plenty of those around too!) What they want is a guy that can be the powerful - but loving - partner they need. When a girl finds this guy, she throws everything she has into him. All that "independent woman" crap (a complete, manufactured fallacy by the way) goes right out the window. Best regards... My Parents Don't Like My
Partner! Hello! I have a fairly serious issue regarding my parents and my relationship with my boyfriend. I am 22 years old and I live completely on my own, however, my parents still give me problems about my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. I love him very much and he loves me very much. Unfortunately, my parents don't like him at all! He is 29 years old and he didn't go to college (which is their biggest problem with him). He is a carpenter and they have issues with that. He had some trouble getting his life on track but he is doing pretty well now. Basically, every time I am with him I feel guilty because I know my parents are angry. I am going away with him this weekend for his birthday and I got the typical attitude from my parents when I mentioned it. My mom stopped speaking to me for a week one time after I mentioned I was going over to my boyfriend's house for the night. Now I can't tell her where I am when I am with him and it is absolutely ridiculous in my mind, especially since I do live on my own and pay everything on my own. I have a great job and a great apartment and I don't really need my parents for anything. They just can't seem to let go, though. On top of all of that my boyfriend is starting to feel like I'm hiding him, which makes me feel awful. I feel like I'm always lying and hiding things and I just don't want to do it anymore. How do I handle my parents? Please help! Hello! You handle it by realizing that it's their problem - not yours. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean that they're "wise". In fact, this is down-right stupid! (Feel free to tell them I said so if you wish.) They feel that punishing you by withholding their love is going to motivate you to do the things they want you to do. Frankly, that's pretty screwed up, but not as screwed up as you letting them do it to you! You're an adult with your own direction now and you are free to make whatever decisions about your life you wish to make. Your parents on the other hand are free to give you the respect and coutesy you deserve in those decisions. If they don't like them and they've told you (obviously) then they're free to shut the hell up and treat you as an adult! You have to help them here however. I'm not recommending that you astrange yourself from your folks, but frankly, if they insist on this childish game, then they don't deserve to have access to your life. In fact, look at what's happening: you're not changing your relationship, you're just driving it underground. Is that really the kind of relationship your parents want with you? If so, then you haven't lost very much in my humble. Tell them to back the hell off already. They don't have to love your boyfriend if they don't want to, but they'd better damn well respect your decisions as the adult you are - and treat you AND your decisions with respect. After all, they spent the first part of your life giving you the tools to make these decisions. To come back now and be unhappy about the way you're using them doesn't reflect poorly on you, it reflects poorly on them. Best regards... Hey Doc - I'm confused?! I met a nice girl, she is funny, smart and all that I'm looking for in a relationship. When I started talking to her, she told me that she was looking for new friends because the other friends she had would smother her and just try to get in her pants. I invited her over my house for a football party. All of my friends knew that I liked her and I thought she knew also. I told myself that I'm not going to smother her just to let her do what she feels is right. Three days passed and I found out that one of my close friends was going behind my back, telling her all kinds of lies just to get in her pants. I saw them talking a lot and he was drunk but I let them talk because I said to myself, "That's my friend and he's drunk and he already has a girl and, she can handle herself." The next weekend and we were all supposed to go out 4-wheeling and I couldn't make it. Since I wasn't there he tried to get with her some more. She soon found out what he was trying to do to her and she told him to leave her alone and then found out from everyone else that he was making up lies about me. We both sat down and talked about everything and it was all better but she feels like she caused all this to happen. Now, when she hangs out with me everything is ok but when everyone is over she gets quiet, depressed and upset all the time because she likes me and I like her but she doesn't want everyone to think less of her and talk about her as if she did something. I don't want to loose her and I've talked to all of my friends and everyone but her knows that she didn't do anything wrong and they aren't going to think less of her. All of my friends like her and their girlfriends like her too. I just don't know how to make her understand that it's not her fault so she could be back to herself. Hello! You know, this sounds like a classic attention grab by this girl! I know you don't see it this way, but trust me, it's absolutely textbook! First, let's talk about this "friend". If you really consider this guy a friend, you're making a huge mistake. I don't care how drunk this guy was. There's a rule: "Bro's before ho's" and it applies here. If he had any knowledge that you were interested in this girl, he had no business hitting on her and if he were part of my crew, we'd all kick his ass to the curb and that would be the end of it. This guy is no friend of yours, trust me. He's out just for himself, not his bro's. With this girl however, she just set everything up nicely. She's trying to control things to the degree that you're no longer even able to make a play for her. She's given you all this crap about guys trying to get into her panties - well d'uh!!! So what? Are you telling me that if she met Brad Pitt she wouldn't be trying to get into his jeans? So, here you sit with her having set all the rules. She comes over and you can't do anything to move things forward because SHE'S given you all these rules - and even proven it by turning down your friend and creating all this drama between you all. She must be some kind of master at all of this. Really dude, what the hell do you want here? Are you looking for a female friend or something more? Letting her hang around your friends just enforces that friendship between you and she. She's not going to just see what a great guy you are and fall head over heals for you. She totally set you up here and you just fell for it, proving to her that you're not "boyfriend material". As far as making her understanding this crap about not being her fault - in fact, it was ENTIRELY her fault!! Why are you giving her such a pass? Because she has a vagina? If she had wanted to shut him down, she could have done it in 2 seconds. Women are masters at this too. Come on - you'd never do that for any of your buddies (or maybe you would considering this loser "friend" of yours!) Stop this madness already. Let her grow up and be an adult. You're not helping her by trying to ease all the tension. That's something she has to do herself. What you ARE doing in all of this is just proving to her why she shouldn't be interested in you. Best regards... Who Can Have a Support
Network? My boyfriend and I are in our late 30's and have been dating for over 3 years. Today, in a casual conversation we were talking about our future and he made the comment, "I was talking to someone about our situation and..." The gist was that he was talking to this person about saving money to buy a house this year, etc. My very innocent question to him was "Who were you talking to about this?" I know most of his friends so it was odd to me that he didn't say "I was talking to John and...." Now what makes this even worse is that he flat out told me that he was NOT going to tell me who he was talking to and that it was irrelevant. I was trying to get him to see that it is relevant to me because: 1) I wanted to know who he was talking with about our future when this was something WE ourselves had not discussed and 2) I was really just innocently asking but his insistence on not telling me makes me wonder why he can't tell me. I do not think he is cheating. He is a hard worker and we spend most of our non-working time together. It just makes me wonder why he can't tell me this very small piece of information if it is innocent. Am I overreacting? I have packed my things that I leave at his house (we do not live together) and told him that I need space to figure out if this is the relationship that I want to be in. Am I wrong for feeling left out of his life? Hello! I agree with your boyfriend. Who the hell cares whom he said this too? How could that possibly have any bearing whatsoever on the issue at hand? Oh, wait - I know! You want to know who it is so that you can disparage the person's suggestions; thus holding on to control here. Women are notorious about this! You talk to your girlfriends (and sometimes male friends too), family, co-workers, etc., about every aspect of your relationship lives. You gather perspective and ideas and suggestions and mull them over until they congeal into an amophous goo. Then, you come back and simply want to react based on this. So what if your boyfriend wants to have a support network? So what if he's running ideas by someone else! You're pretty arrogant (and dare I say, insecure) to think that you're the only one he should be discussing his life with! There is a very mistaken belief that couples need to be totally and completely honest with each other. Bullshit! That's not only unhealthy, it's impossible. Think back on every relationship you've ever had and just try to tell me that you've been "totally and completely open and honest" with your partner. Of course you haven't! You can't possibly! You're WAY overreacting here! Go put your stuff back and go apologize to him this very instant. If you want him to have to guard everything he says to you because there's the remote chance that he might hurt your tender little feelings then you're not going to have much of a relationship. Then, take that "space" to figure out why; in your late 30's, you're acting so immaturely! Best regards... Hey Dennis, I need some help on communication. I have trouble with communication. For some reason I am just not effective at communicating; especially with women. I really just don't know how to communicate effectively. I've heard that the key to communication is to listen, ask questions about the other person when communicating, and to make eye contact. Is this the key? How do I become a professional at communication? Hello! There are two separate issues with communications. The first is simply to connect with someone else on a basic level. You're more or less on the right path, but I'll give you some better ideas how to make that work in a minute. The second aspect is to directly and specifically create rapport and connection which leads to attraction. Let's look at the differences. When you meet someone new that you're not interested in romantically, (maybe a friend or coworker for example), using the first type of communication is fine. You find out about that person and share aspects of yourself. This is what most people do with communication. Many people think that communication of this type is talking. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, it is listening, but listening with intelligence behind it. You can learn to ask "open-ended questions" (see my FAQ's at my website: http://beingaman.com, then click on "self help") that give the other person a chance to talk about their favorite subject - themselves. Eventually they walk away thinking what a great communicator YOU are because they just couldn't stop talking - about themselves! See how this works? The problem with this is that you're not building rapport or real connection or (especially) attraction. Thus, it's not enough when you're talking to women. This is where the second type of communication comes into play. This is a thing I call "power communication". It's about using communication in very specific ways with very specific goals. In my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" I go into 4 different communication "models" or "CM's". CMs are used to build quick attraction in someone you've either just met or have known for a while. Here are the four CM's I teach: 1) Male vrs. Female Model When you either match or counter a person's specific CM, (or 2, 3 or all 4 of them) you build incredible connection with that person. They begin to see you just as they see themselves. You become a "kindred spirit" which brings you close to them. They feel trust, comfort and deep connection. As you get closer, they also begin to feel affection for you; just as they do for themselves! I can't tell you how often I'll meet a new girl, determine and match her CM's and have her say, "You know, I feel like I've known you all my life!" Interestingly, she has! She's looking in a mirror! You can see how powerful this sort of communication skill can be! You can use it with anyone by the way - not just with a girl you've just met. We are all pre-wired with facilities that make it possible for us to interact within our societies. Much of that interaction is about connecting with others and especially building bonds with others - particularly those of the opposite sex. That's how humans have stayed around on this planet! We've evolved these systems specifically for this purpose. I strongly encourage you to learn these systems really well and to use them to your advantage. They are extremely powerful things! Best regards... Doc: Ever since I started living with my boyfriend I've caught him masturbating. At the beginning he would watch porno and masturbate, I told him this really upset me and he said that he wouldn't do it again. He also eventually got rid of all the porno. Well everything was good - or at least I think it was, until recently I have caught him masturbating. He doesn't do it to porn, he does it when he goes it bed. (We don't go to bed at the same time; I go to bed much later) Anyways I confronted him about this and told him that it hurts me that he would rather masturbate than be with me. Than a week later, I caught him again. I explained to him again, that I feel that I can't trust him (not that he would cheat, just that he is going to masturbate again) and I told him that it really hurts me and upsets me that he chooses to do this, than be with me. I feel like it's my fault. Maybe he doesn't find me attractive. He says that he does, but I am unsure. I doubt our relationship now. Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing man and I love him more than anything. Really the only thing wrong is this. I just don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Please help. Thank You. Hello! Ok, reality time: you're NEVER going to get him to stop masturbating - NEVER. All you'll ever do is to drive him underground with it. Is that really the type of relationship you want to have? One where your guy is hiding himself from you? I'd sure as hell hope not, but that's exactly where you're going trying to get him to stop it. Eventually, he's going to start hiding all sorts of things from you - and he's going to get so good at it you'll never even know. Trust me on this one - I see it all the time! His masturbating isn't hurting you at all and he's not doing it to avoid you at all. Stop being such a self-centered, insecure little child and wake up! You're going to tear your relationship apart over absolutely nothing! Here's more reality: masturbating isn't about love or caring or anything like that. It's about tension relief, pure and simple. It has nothing to do with you - other than the fact that you've made it an issue by being so insecure (and immature) about it! That doesn't bode very well for you, now does it? In fact, you should be HAPPY about him jerking off! You should even encourage him to do this! Let's face it, making love is incredible, but it's also a lot of hard work. Sometimes, we just need some time alone to explore our own fantasies. This is how we safely grow our own sexualities, and frankly, if YOU aren't masturbating regularly, you're cheating HIM because you can't explore your deepest, most personal sexuality when you're with him either. Here's even MORE reality: by preventing him from being sexually relieved and living in a comfortable sexual environment, you're actually helping him to cheat on you! (No shit!) Trying to get him to not masturbate means he's walking around with a loaded weapon! He's not going to live with that sort of tension for very long and if he gets the chance to unload that weapon - even if it's not with you - he's going to take it. After all, if he hides a little from you, it's not hard to hide a lot. GET OVER IT ALREADY! More important: go to him and apologize for all of this! Tell him right away that you realize what's going on and that you never want him to hide anything from you ever again. You made a mistake by demanding he stop masturbating because you were thinking only of yourself and relationships aren't about "ourselves" at all. They're about the people we're with - and their comfort and happiness too. You might even add this to your sex lives as an adjunct. You can masturbate together and get off on watching each other if you haven't already done so much damage here that he can't. I just hope for your sake (and the sake of your relationship) that's not the case. Relationships are fragile things Vanessa! They can easily be destroyed with such ridiculous things. Best regards... © 2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder Archives 2007,
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