Women Don't Lie,
Men Don't Listen

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Hey Doc,

I read your book and regularly read your columns and you have really helped me understand the game of relationships better. So thanks for everything.

Last week I ran into Marla, who was married to a coworker of mine from years ago. I remember her being flirty with me back then, but she was married (she’s now divorced) and I had a girlfriend, so it ended right there.

Anyway, I kept the conversation short and got her cell phone number since she no longer has a regular phone. I waited six days to call her. When we talked, she told me she was really busy that week since she’s working two jobs, one as a nurse and the other at a jewelry shop. It was the holidays, so I bought her story about her busy schedule and she told me she would see what her schedule was like the next week and “call me back.” I was disappointed, but I told her that I understood and said goodbye.

Doc, what do you think Marla’s Interest Level is? She didn’t mention a boyfriend, made it clear to me that she was divorced, and was very quick to give me her phone number when I asked. I had high hopes for this one because she seems like a real sweetheart, and I like that she works and is independent.

I doubt she’ll call back. I’m thinking of waiting a few weeks to give it one more shot. If she doesn’t call me back or if I get another excuse without a solid counteroffer, I’ll just cut my losses and move on.

What do you think, Doc?

Henny - who can’t make out where she’s coming from

Hi Henny,

First of all, this little thing didn’t end all those years ago because you had a girlfriend. And I have to point something out to you – at the time you met, the lovely Marla was a married woman who was flirting with a guy who had a girlfriend.

If you’ve read my book closely, you’ll remember that one-third of “The System” is comprised of the principle of INTEGRITY. Was Marla being faithful to her ex-husband when she was making eyes at you? What was her level of Integrity when she was still legally hitched? To you Psych majors, CAN YOU TRUST THIS WOMAN? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Is it any wonder she got divorced?”

When a woman uses the phrase “real busy,” you have to pull out your dictionary. Because she’s using Womanese. And what it means is that her Interest Level is probably floating around between 40% and 49%. Think about it, pal. You mean this babe can’t find one hour somewhere in her week to meet you (when there’s 24 hours in a day!) for the guy she’s going to fall in love and have triplets with? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Think she’d be ‘too busy’ for Brad Pitt?”

When Marla said she’d check her schedule and call you back, you should have come right back with “Since your schedule is heavy and it’s the holidays, let me get back to you some other time, okay? It’ll be easier that way.” Then you hang up. Because once you said that you sympathized with her and that you understood her situation, you gave up your power and you gave up control of the situation. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The reason you feel powerless now is because you decided to wait for her next move.”

Actually, you only thought you understood this girl, Henny. What you actually didn’t understand was that Marla’s Interest Level is anemic – somewhere in the 40s. That’s what you didn’t get.

What is Marla’s Interest Level now? It’s in the sink, swirling, dude. She didn’t mention a boyfriend, but why should she? If she can keep a bunch of turkeys on the line, why wouldn’t she? I admit that some girls – the ones with some degree of Integrity -- are upfront about their boyfriends and husbands, but by no means all of them.

My friend, I’m sorry to hear that you were nursing high hopes for Marla. But you shouldn’t have had high hopes for anything, especially a girl that you haven’t had 10 dates with. Are you sure you read my book?

But you insist that Marla “seems like a sweetheart.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You been smoking anything?” Because this girl is a complete stranger that you happened to spend a few minutes with! Like my cousin General Love says “Come on, soldier, get your head out of the clouds – it’s dangerous when you’re out there on the battlefield!”

We don’t give a damn about the fact that Marla’s independent and she works. Naomi Campbell happens to be independent and employed, too, in case you haven’t noticed. Henny, all we care about is the girl’s Interest Level. All the other stuff like independence and money comes in second and third in importance.

One thing you’re right about though is that you don’t know whether or not Marla’s going to call you back, but the Reality Factor says that most of the time they don’t. And when they say the word “schedule,” you guys who’ve read my book know what that word means in Womanese.

You’re thinking about waiting a few weeks to give it another shot? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, I think you should wait until about 10 minutes before Armageddon before giving it another shot!”

It’s great that you’re going to cut your losses and move on, but the sad fact is that there’s nothing to cut and nothing to move on from.

What do I think you should do? I think you should spend more time studying my book.

Remember, guys: when you go out with a stranger, don’t give her too much credit.

© 2010, DocLove Dot Com 

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I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi Pirandello

Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archives for 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, and 2000.

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