Women
Don't Lie,
Men Don't Listen
Archive '01
|
Women
Don't Lie,
|
|
|
Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the
issue of Relationships. This section is the 2001 Archive of
DocLove's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. Doc
Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches
men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked
thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus
another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available
at www.doclove.com
DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions
from a man’s perspective. So, set your ego aside, learn
to laugh at yourself, and e-mail him at doclove@doclove.com
or call 800.404.2644 and he will give you a snappy answer to
your silly love question – one loaded with truth. You
do what he says, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When
he gets done with you, you will need more security than
Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, he promises
not to use your real name, or give it out. All questions
will be answered, but only the ones of general interest
printed. Please be specific and don’t ramble. Are Beautiful Women More Difficult to
Approach? Is Talking on the
Phone Anti-Challenge? Hey Doc, I met Miss Right about three months ago, and we hit it off quickly. She told me she didn’t want to play games and that she believed in being totally honest. So I told her the truth, that I hadn’t dated in quite awhile and that I was very available. Well, wouldn’t you know it, she lost interest in me after I told her that. She went from about 85% Interest Level in me to probably about 40%. So, I got your book a few weeks ago, and even though I thought it was probably a lost cause, I started to apply some of the principles of “The System” with her. Well, I have to tell you that your stuff works because the next time we went out she was all over me. It went so well that we made plans to go kayaking in two weeks. I called her a few days later just to talk. She said she was too busy to talk but she told me to call her on Thursday. I called her on Thursday and I asked her if she wanted to go out before our little trip. She said - yes - she had Monday off, so I said “Good, we’ll go out then.” Then I called her on Sunday just to confirm things for Monday and to chat for awhile, hoping that I could raise her Interest Level a little more before we went out the next day. We talked for about 45 minutes about all kinds of things, and I got her to laugh a few times too. So, we got together the next day and things seemed to be OK but she wasn’t all over me like the last time. I guess I must have done something to lower her Interest Level again, but I don’t know what that was. What did I do wrong Doc, and what would you say should be my next move? Carlos – who wants to know what to do now Hi Carlos, Let’s start at the beginning of your story and work our way through it. First of all, whenever a woman tells you that she doesn’t want to play games, you can bet your sweet bippy that the games have already begun. In fact, your odds of finding any woman who doesn’t play games are about as good as finding a ten-year-old who’s never heard of Harry Potter. Your initial mistake, Carlos, was that you fell for this girl’s rap, decided to be “honest” and let her know that you hadn’t had a date since Michael Jackson had a nose. You thought that this gesture of “honesty” would raise her Interest Level in you, but of course it didn’t. To you Psych majors, she got turned off when he did what she said she wanted. Fortunately, Carlos, you started studying “The System” and you changed course. Just remember, for the future; never buy into this “you can be honest with me” crap from a female. They’ll always penalize you for doing it. And they’ll always deny that they penalize you for doing it. It’s great that you’re gaining an understanding of the importance of doing things to raise a woman’s Interest Level, Carlos. But, you’re still going about it all wrong! You need to read and study ALL of the materials. The way that you raise a woman’s Interest Level is by being a Challenge. Now, Carlos, ask yourself, would a guy who is a Challenge be calling a girl every few days to chat with her like one of her girlfriends? Would a guy who is an unpredictable wildman be dutifully dialing up the woman he is wooing according to the schedule she has dictated to him? If Alexander Graham Bell knew what blunders men would make with his invention, he would have scrapped the whole idea. The telephone should be used only for making dates. That’s it. If she wants to talk more after you’ve made your plans with her, tell her to save the conversation for the date. Also, once you’ve made a date with a girl, do not call her for another date before you go out on the date that you last arranged with her, unless you want her to think of you as a needy Loser who hasn’t scored since the 90’s. The best thing to do now, Carlos, is wait a full two weeks to call her. When you do, commit to keeping the conversation down to less than five minutes. Then, when you’re out with her, keep her laughing and only do things that a guy who is a Challenge would do. Remember, guys, talking on the phone is
anti-Challenge If She's Seeing Someone Else, Why Is
She So Available? Hi Doc, I have a two-part question for you: 1) I recently developed a mad crush on a woman and to find out what my chances are, I sent her flowers at work. She genuinely seemed to appreciate the gesture, but she told me she had "just started" seeing someone else -- though she said she'd be willing to go out for coffee with me. Is she just being nice, or could she be leaving a door open? Might she even be lying about "seeing someone else" to distance herself a little while she decides whether she's interested in me or not? 2) I am a fairly good poet, and this woman has inspired me to write what I think is my best, most romantic love poem ever. On the one hand I'd like to share it with her, in the hopes it may melt her heart (it's that good); on the other hand I'm afraid it may creep her out by making her think I'm desperate and obsessed. Any thoughts? Max – who wants to know if he is on the right track Hi Max, Instead of flowers you should have sent her an engagement ring. Why waste time, Max, everyone knows that women hate Challenge. To you Psyche majors, I’m being facetious. I look at Elle Magazine, and I have crushes on all of the models with blonde hair and bee stung lips. But guess what? Women do the choosing. And, Max, the guy that a hot blonde chooses isn’t the guy who comes on heavy with flowers and love poems. And she certainly doesn’t choose the guy who comes on heavy with flowers and love poems before he’s even had a first date with her (unless he’s a rock star.) Yes, of course, she appreciated your floral gesture, Max. All women, even Feministas like flowers. But the question of life is: does she like YOU. If flowers created true Interest Level, guys would be handing out bunches of them in front of modeling agencies all day long. A stronger approach would have been to just ask this gal for her home number rather than sending her roses. When you ask a woman for her home phone number you reveal that you have interest in her. But by only asking for her phone number without coming on heavy with compliments or gifts, you maintain a sense of Challenge and mystery. Since you’re the man, Max, it’s your job to be the initiator. You have to come on first. But The System says, “You do it in a very minimal way.” Get it? Yes, Max, the odds are that she WAS just being nice when she said she was “willing” to have coffee with you. Might she even be lying about "seeing someone else" to distance herself a little while she decides whether she's interested in you? Girls with high Interest Level don’t deceive you, and they don’t need time to decide. Ok, so her Interest Level in you doesn’t seem to be very high at this point. But I’m going to give you some tactics that will raise her Interest Level in you IF it can be raised. Remember, if her Interest Level in you is below 50%, it won’t matter what we try. But if it’s above 50% we have a shot. So here are some cool moves you can make. Ask her out for coffee, but wait 2 weeks before you do, because by this time, odds are, the other guy will be lowering her Interest Level. This move will also throw her off because she will have been expecting you to jump on her offer like an eager beaver. We have to be unpredictable and gain some ground because of the flowers fiasco. Now the rule is that you never talk of other women, but in this case, because we have to bump off the competition, we’re going to make an exception. When she asks you about your love life, tell her that women stalk you after a few dates. When she asks you why, say: “I don’t know, it’s like a blessing and a curse,” and then wink at her like the cat that just ate the canary. And finally, Max, if you haven’t gotten the message about sappy poetry yet, allow me to reiterate: do not give her any love poems unless you want her to think of you as a little puppy dog looking for a home. As my cousin, Fast Eddy Love, would say, “if her heart needs melting, begging ain’t gonna to do it. But when you use Challenge instead, then you’ve got some heat workin for you.” Remember, guys, always do what is right. Finding Ms Right on the Internet Hi Doc! I’m 28 years old and without bragging or exaggerating, I can tell you that I am very pretty and I get hit on several times a week. But just for fun I decided that I would be adventurous and see what type of guy I might meet if I tried Internet dating. Let me tell you about my experience on matchmaker.com. In the first week of my membership I received 700+ letters. It would be just about impossible to respond to all of them, even if I wanted to. I am trying hard to be honest with those guys that I do not have a high Interest Level in, but they do not always make it easy! Some guys get really upset when I don't respond. One guy wouldn't stop sending letters to me, so I blocked his mail and he opened a new account to bypass it! Out of all the guys who have sent me mail I have gone on about four dates, and out of those, one seems promising. The guys that I have responded to have a certain kind of look that I’m into. (I only respond to profiles that include a photo.) They also demonstrate qualities of class and confidence in what they write about themselves. But the things that a lot of these guys do are unbelievable. I got an interesting reply today, a small novel that was way too intimate. I just can't fathom how these guys think they will succeed when their methods are so wacko! Maybe you can give men some guidance specifically on Internet dating and help them to stop doing things that turn women off. Reva – who wants to help you educate guys Hi Reva, Before we get to help the guys, I must first bust you on your Womanese. A woman who looks like you could walk into a Muslim mosque and get more propositions in ten minutes than the average guy gets in his entire lifetime. If you received 700+ responses in one week, you’re not “pretty,” you’re BEAUTIFUL. Also, when you say that you decided to try Internet dating just for fun, I don’t think you were being totally honest. What you really meant (I’m the first man in 6000 years to be able to decipher the secret vernacular of females) was that since you haven’t met the kind of guy whom you’d like to connect with at work, clubs, parties or the gym, you were hoping that the Internet might be a more efficient resource for finding Mr. Right. So you didn’t do it just for fun did you? But thank you for sharing your story with us. You have given us an interesting insight into the foxy female’s Internet experience and we can definitely learn from it. First of all, guys, realize that any beautiful woman who has posted a picture on an Internet dating site is indeed going to be deluged with responses. A total of 700+ e-mails in a gorgeous babe’s in-box during her first week of membership are not an uncommon occurrence. Since she can’t possibly read all the bios, what does she do? She screens by checking the photos. She goes by physical appearance. (This is one way in which guys and gals are alike.) Knowing that she first screens by appearance highlights the necessity for having a photo that shows you at your best. So, I highly recommend that you spend the time and money on a professional photo session. It’s worth it if you’re serious about Internet dating. When you embark on the Internet dating adventure, guys, you need to have a realistic awareness of the odds that you face. Even on the dating sites with the highest ratio of women to men, we’re still talkin only about 45% kitty cats to 55% dogs. And any woman who is reasonably attractive will receive hundreds of responses. Whereas, the average guy will receive about one or two unsolicited responses from women every so often, unless, of course, he looks like George Clooney. Now let me emphasize that when you initiate contact with a female member of an Internet dating service, you cannot be emotionally attached to whether or not you hear back from her. Say for instance, that you find a woman’s profile with a headline that says: “CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I’M LOOKING FOR A MAN WHO IS 6’6’’+, SPEAKS PORTUGUESE AND LOVES TO SURF ALASKA. LOOKS AREN’T IMPORTANT!” You are taller than Shaquille O’Neil is; you have a Masters degree in Portuguese and every summer you shoot the curl on the coast of the 49th state. You politely inform this gal that, amazingly, you fit her criteria perfectly. But, to your astonishment you never hear back from her. In such a case, do not send more e-mail saying: “Hey, why didn’t you write me back?” Instead, simply remember this principle: Women will tell you what they want, but 99.999% of them are incapable of telling you what they will actually respond to. And besides, begging never raises Interest Level. It’s definitely a numbers game on the net. So don’t waste her time or yours by sending a long letter when you first correspond. Certainly don’t send her a small novel (which she experiences as pressure). And absolutely do not send her a small EROTIC novel. Mentioning sex in any way is guaranteed to get you instantly rejected, unless she’s a biker broad. Instead, just pop off a quick note that says something like: “Hi Caprice, I enjoyed reading your profile, and I liked your picture. Check out mine and write me back if you think there’s potential.” Always apply the principles of “The System” whenever you are pitching a woman on the Net. Keep it short and sweet. Since you’ll get somewhere between 1-2 responses for every 10 that you send out, and half of those will be rejections, send out messages to several gals. If you keep trolling and you’re persistent, you’ll wind up with some quality leads. Remember, guys, dating on the Net is a numbers game. Should You Marry an Overeight
Woman? Dear Doc Love, I’ve checked out several of your articles and I must tell you that I am appalled at what I’ve read. You seem to think that any woman who isn’t anorexic is not worth the time of day. What’s with you? You make fun of Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell for being overweight, and then you praise skinny women with plastic breasts. Did you ever consider that perhaps Rosie and Oprah are the size they are because that’s the way nature made them? Why should they starve themselves for men’s approval? Many loving sweet kind women are overlooked because they don’t fit your of rigid standards of beauty. I encourage you to check out the following facts and figures: There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only a handful who do.
And even though I know that you’ll laugh at this, I’m including a little poem for you Doc, as food for thought.
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes Because that is the doorway to her heart The place where love lies The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul
Lucinda – who thinks that you are a total bigot Doc Love Dear Lucinda, The Bible says that gluttony is a sin. But when I watch overweight preachers on TV Sunday morning they speak only of the other six deadly sins. Why? Because in America, fat is sacred. Yesterday I saw an obese woman using a cane to waddle her way through the supermarket because she couldn’t carry her own weight. With her tree trunk calves and her tiny feet in her tiny shoes, she looked like a 747 sporting Volkswagen tires. Now, Lucinda, I know what you would say about her. You’d say she’s not responsible for her slovenly, self-destructive eating habits. She can’t and need not control how much she eats. She should be able to look however she wants and not be judged on her appearance. And everyone knows that it wouldn’t be politically correct to criticize her. Well I don’t care how much the various “full figured” gals may glorify their excess poundage. Fat is not beautiful and, more importantly, it’s not healthy. Overweight people are at risk for diabetes, heart attacks, high blood pressure and wearing out the living room carpet before its time. Food is meant to be used for fuel, not as a way to escape life’s problems. When a man picks a potential long-term partner, he must first look at her Interest Level. Then through the process of dating, he should evaluate her habits and attitudes. Does she have integrity? Is she a giver or a taker? Is she structured or flexible? Is she self-reliant? Is she a functioning adult? Does she practice self-control or is she run by her emotions? And does she have any unhealthy habits or addictions like, drugs, tobacco or FOOD! Most importantly, I want men to pick women who are not overweight for partners so they will raise the kids to be healthy and not have eating disorders. Statistics show that if the parents are overweight, 90% of the time the kids also turn out to have weight problems. Lucinda, please allow me to clear up something. I’ve never said that all women should be model thin. Nature has made both ectomorphs and endomorphs of both genders. And each body type has its corresponding healthy weight range (and unhealthy weight range.) Additionally, different men have different tastes in women. Some men prefer medium sized gals and some get excited about gals who are on the hefty side. America is a free country and to each his own. But the Reality Factor says that the majority of men prefer women who are not overweight. Like it or not Lucinda, that’s the way it is on the street, just as women prefer wealthy men to guys who are on welfare. Lucinda, let’s get real. Be honest. Imagine that you had a friend who was trying to set you up with a handsome, charming fellow who weighed 300 pounds and would crush a camel if he tried to ride one. When you told your friend (as you surely would) that “he’s just not my type,” would you be any different from a guy who rejects a pretty girl because she’s the same height and weight as Oprah? By the way, the reason that models now weigh 23% less than the average woman instead of 8% less is because the average woman is now 15% heavier than she was 20 years ago. The models aren’t getting thinner. People are getting fatter! Government statistics report that over 40% of the population are clinically overweight. To you Psych majors – they’re obese. Now you’ve provided us with another interesting statistic Lucinda. Seven out of ten women get bummed out when they look at fashion magazines. But curiously, women don’t seem to feel depressed, guilty and shameful enough when they look at those magazines to stop buying those magazines. Now here is a poem for you, Lucinda: Roses are red, violets are blue. If you want your girlfriend to look like Oprah, just have her eat like her too. Remember, guys, if she’s fat now, just wait until
after you’ve said “I do.” Dear Doc Love: I had to comment on the advice you gave to your guys about the woman who refuses to give out her phone number which, you say, shows her low Interest Level. I don't agree that that means she must have a low level of interest. I would never give out my phone number without first getting to know the person. You never asked whether the woman had possibly been subjected to repeated phone calls and messages left on her answering machine. Why should anyone have to change their phone number? You said that a woman is supposed to take chances for a guy she's dying to see but the guy isn’t supposed to take chances. You say that if she’s not flexible, she's out, period. What happened to a guy being flexible? You’re telling men to size up women as if they’re purchasing a car. Why don't you start by teaching people to respect one another? This isn't a battle. It’s a date. Mary Angela - who thinks you, should be going for anger management, not giving out advice Hi Mary Angela, Speaking of car purchases, I just sold my Toyota truck to buy my PT Crusier. (The Toyota was in perfect condition and I had all the maintenance records.) I love statistics so I kept track of the potential buyers who called. The 17th caller bought the truck but the first 16 had a lot in common. They all asked a lot of questions. Some said they would call back when they had time to come over to see it but never did. Some made appointments to come over to drive it and never showed up. A few drove the truck but for some reason – “I don’t have any money” was the best – did not buy it. One buyer called every other day to find out if I had sold it, but he somehow never had the time to come over and take a look at it. The guy who bought it – No. 17 – did something the others didn’t. He asked no questions over the phone except, “What’s your address? I’ll be there in 20 minutes.” He came over, drove it for a couple of miles and handed me the cash (not a check.) As you can see, I had to weed through sixteen lookyloos and strokers. Sixteen bored and lonely people who entertained themselves by wasting my time. The odds in dating should be so good. The point is: only number seventeen had high Interest Level. “The System” is an efficiency program. It filters out the Low Interest Looky-loos, the Feministas, the Psychos, the Controllers, the Golddiggers, and the Professional Daters. It shows men who the REAL women are. How? By teaching the fine art and science of observing and interpreting women’s actions. Now allow me to point out, Mary Angela, that you are seriously deluded when you say that I think that a man shouldn’t take chances in dating. On the contrary, if a man endeavors to be successful in dating he must be prepared to take risks constantly. It’s the man who has to put his ego on the line in every phase of the dating process. It’s the man who must approach the woman, strike up a conversation and make her laugh. It’s the man who has to ask for her home phone number. It’s the man who must call the woman and ask her out. It’s the man who must make the move for the first kiss. He faces rejection constantly, at every turn. All that the woman must do is show up and look good. Without ever once risking rejection in her entire lifetime she can still have her choice of thousands of men to date. Every day, tens of thousands of men dutifully face rejection from women and are given no credit for it by women. Women expect men to take all the risks of initiating and consider it men’s job to do so. Ask any woman if she’d like to trade places with men and the ones who answer honestly will all tell you “No thanks.” Often they’ll add something like; “Oh I tried that. I took the initiative and asked a guy out once, and he didn’t like it. I think that men are threatened when a woman is aggressive. I’ll never try that again.” They get rejected ONCE and then give up forever. Besides that, they blame the guy. If guys chickened out so easily no one would ever have any dates! If a guy asks two women at a club for their home phone numbers and one gives it to him, but the other says, “It’s better if I call you,” which woman is he more likely to have a relationship with? If a guy asks two women at a party for their home phone numbers and one gives it to him and the other says, “Give me your business card,” which one is he more likely to go the distance with? My students are taught to call twice and then if the woman does not accept and keep a date, to throw her number away. Apparently, Mary Angela, you’ve had some bad experiences, but not with my boys because you would have been history before they never called. Remember, guys, dating is a numbers game. Hi Doc, My name is Tom and I have a problem with a girl that I have been seeing. My wife of 12 years had passed away ten months ago and I am now forcing myself to start dating again. I met Dana through a mutual friend, so she was aware that I am a widower, and she already knows about some of my past. I went out with her a few times and we really hit it off. The problem is that after the second date she tells me that she has been “seeing” someone for two years. Before we even went on a date I specifically asked if she had a boyfriend and she said “no.” She continued to tell me that she was unhappy with her boyfriend because he had previously cheated on her for a year. After that they broke up, but he eventually talked her into getting back together. She also said that he’s always too busy for her and that she is tired of always being last on his list. I have heard that her parents hate this boyfriend and a lot of her friends have stopped talking to her because of him. I told her that if her dating me was becoming a problem for her that I was willing to just be friends. Her reply was that she was confused and didn’t know how long we could last as just friends. Besides that, she would always wonder what it would be like to be a couple with me. The last time I saw her she came over to my house after being stood up by the boyfriend and was all over me, so I know that there is some type of attraction. But lately I feel that I am being treated as second fiddle to the boyfriend. It seems that she’s calling the shots and will only see me when the boyfriend isn’t around, and it seems like I am the one who does all of the calling. I do think that I screwed up on the first few times that I was with her, because I was trying to sell myself to her that I was the better choice, so I told her that I really liked her and I then sent her flowers. I know that those were mistakes from reading your materials but I want to see if I can do something right now to become a Challenge to her. I really like her and would like to win her over. I just bought your program but I need some advice right away before I do something else stupid. Thanks, Tom – who is still learning Hi Tom, You can say that again, you are definitely still learning. Never tell a woman whom you’re attracted to that you’re willing to just be friends. It’s a pathetically weak and wimpy thing to do. But let’s back up. This girl is easier to read than a stop sign. Right out of the chute she gave you a giant red flag. You asked her if she had a boyfriend and she told you that she didn’t. Then when you saw her again she told you that she DID have a boyfriend! So, Tom before you even had your first date with her she lied to you. She’s a liar. That right there is enough to disqualify her as a potential partner. And here you are now, getting all emotionally psyched up about her. You’d never go into business with a liar, why would you consider pursuing a romantic relationship with one? Use some common sense dude! And I’ll tell you something else, Tom; she’s not confused. You’re the one who’s confused. She’s got you completely bamboozled and you've signed up for all of it. This gal Dana is obviously a phony and a stroker. She throws you a bone to get you hooked and gives you a glimmer of hope so she can keep you around as her butler and therapist. But the way things have played out so far, I’d say there’d be peace in the Middle East before you’ll ever be lovers with this chick. Tom, she’s not worth trying to win over. But if you’d like to use her to practice at being strong with a woman instead of weak, I’ll tell you what you can do. Just as an experiment, become a Negative Challenge to her like her boyfriend is. Stand her up, put her down and boss her around. That’ll get her hooked on you, but you won’t want to keep what you wind up with. Remember, guys, she cannot teach your kids to be honest
if she doesn’t know how. A woman with high Interest Level Dear Doc Love, Generally I agree with a lot of the things you have to say about women and the advice you give to men. But your recent article on what guys should look for in women to understand what high Interest Level is, is completely ludicrous. Now I agree that you should only date someone who respects you. I agree that you must be confident, not take any of her crap, not revolve your life around her, and finally, not date her if she is playing you for a chump. But the list of examples that you gave of the kinds of things that a woman must do in order for her guy to be happy with her, I mean come on! I don't know if you were joking or not, but its seems like you want men to look for slaves, not wives. There are plenty of women like that. You can buy them from a Russian mail order bride site. I just don't believe that you can truly be happy with someone who worships the ground you walk on. Most guys I know hate that kind of worship as much as women do. Don't give guys unrealistic things like “she compliments you frequently” and “her knees buckle when she kisses you” to expect to find in a women. Just tell them to find someone who will love them enough to tolerate their B.S. to a point, correct them when they are wrong, and someone who has a common interest and finds them interesting. I just don't buy it this time Doc. Like I said, I love your tips, love your column, but I just don't believe that the women you describe exist unless you are looking for some pathetic loser with low self-esteem. Noel – who says that you don’t really know what true love, is like So, Noel, What’s your description of a woman with high Interest Level, a self-centered psycho mercenary who constantly nags? An abusive user who hates men and is afraid of intimacy? Or someone, who flops on the couch, eats bonbons and watches talk shows all day long? Yes, I did say that you should look for a woman who “is consistently loving and affectionate, fiercely loyal and thinks of you as her hero.” Now where do you get the idea that a woman like that, is a slave? Don’t you think it’s possible for a woman to exemplify those qualities and also have brains, class and a successful career? Would only a pathetic loser behave that way? Give me a break! It sounds as if you’ve never been with a woman who has actually had high Interest Level in you. You’ve probably been spending too much time with women whose interest in you have been in the 40-49% range and you think that that’s the best any guy can expect. Women with that level of interest will merely “tolerate your BS.” I think you’ve become bitter and disillusioned and have given up on having an exciting, romantic, loving relationship. And, Noel, the fact that a woman “turns into a playful little girl when she’s around you,” as I described in the article, has nothing to do with her level of self-esteem. You should be with a woman who has high self-esteem and who has also maintained some of her youthful innocence. Someone who is light hearted and playful with you. Granted, my list of the qualities of a woman with high Interest Level is very comprehensive. I don’t expect a woman to exemplify all of those qualities all of the time. But she better cover most of them some of the time, or she’s not worth being with. You must understand Noel, that marriage at best, is extremely tough. But the more flexible, sweet and giving the woman is the better the odds that the relationship will go the distance. So why not stack the odds in your favor by being with a sweetheart rather than a high maintenance user? At least you do understand that it’s important for the woman to respect her man. My advice to you, Noel, is to have a more optimistic, positive attitude. You’ve got to get that it’s a good thing to have a woman who thinks that you are the cat’s meow. And the kind of women I described does exist. You just need to raise your own self esteem level high enough to believe that you deserve to be with a woman like that, and that you have the power to attract her. Remember, guys, a little bit of worship from your woman
is a good thing. Can a Woman Love You Without Touching You? Hey Doc, Is it normal for a couple to make love once every four to five months? I could easily make love everyday, but my wife of twelve years has lost interest. She claims it's a side effect of the medicine she takes for panic attacks, but in reality, her interest in sex went away a few years before the medicine. At that time, her excuse for her lack of interest was the panic attacks themselves (Catch-22?). She claims that she loves me, but I sometimes wonder if that’s really the case. What do you think, Doc? Terry – who wants to know if she can ever get back in the mood Hey Ter, I bet you’re hearing these lines: “Please, Terry, is that all you think of?” “We just did it four months ago!” “Have you been looking at those movies again?” “Don’t touch me!” Even a cold cat likes to be stroked – so what’s her excuse? No offense, guy, but if you have to ask the first question from your letter, then you don’t know what normal is. Don’t you think that some wives out there still chase hubby around the dining room table when the kids are away, even after twelve years of cloying sameness? I’m telling you that such women do exist! On the other hand, I know there are millions of miserably married men out there who rationalize their loveless lives because of their three brats and their 30-year house loan. You’re not alone in your ignorance of healthy relationships, Ter. Your wife blames her medication for her deep freeze mode, but you said her problem began years before. Can you see the convenient consistency in her two excuses? In both cases, she doesn’t have to touch you. Yes Ter, she did put you into a Catch-22 situation. The great thing about her health excuse is that you become the ogre if you try to be intimate with her. She may even end up saying that you are the cause of her panic attacks! In fact, I would venture to say that panic attacks aren’t your wife’s real problem - attacks of Low Interest Level are! To be sure about her actual degree of feelings for you, here’s a test you can use. Ask yourself if she has ever done any of the following for you: 1. Put her arms around you and/or kissed you for no reason 2. Complimented you on your looks 3. Sat very close to you at a restaurant or on the couch at home 4. Gave you a massage – in other words, has she ever been all over you? If she hasn’t, you may have married a Professional Dater – a woman who marries in spite of her low Interest Level. Why are the above gestures so important? Because they show affection - the natural result of high Interest Level - which in a happy marriage, leads to lovemaking. No matter what her physical condition may be, a clinically sane woman with high Interest Level in her husband (or in any other guy), can always express affection. But when her Interest Level is in the dumps, this task becomes too uncomfortable for her to accomplish. Because a woman with high Interest Level would do anything to please you, she would show you affection even if she were lying in a hospital bed in a body cast! Seriously, Ter – can’t you see that a woman who really loved you would be willing to come up with some kind of love compromise? Unless you left some important details out of your question, Ter, I’d say your wife is unwilling to work with you toward a solution – which means that your marriage is in a tailspin. Sorry, guy. Ter – You have a lot of soul-searching to do. You must determine whether or not your moral and religious background says you must stay with a woman who does not love you. If you do stay, wear a happy face and be sweet to her – especially in front of your kids, if you have any. Remember guys, happily married women with high Interest
Level don’t nag, get headaches, or ever refuse a
kiss! Stop Chatting and Ask for the
Home Phone Number! Hey Doc, A waitress I like works at a restaurant I go to a lot. I gave her my business card and on a couple of occasions after that, we spoke about going out sometime. She was very open to the idea. Before leaving town for a holiday, she gave me her cell phone number. I called her and we had a nice chat. When she got back, we talked a little about her vacation while I was at the restaurant. Later that evening, we had a long chat over the phone. I eventually called her and asked her out. She responded by asking, “Why me?” I explained that I wanted to get to know her better. When I mentioned that we would go to the theatre, she seemed to like the idea. She then asked me when I needed to know for certain whether or not she could go because she wasn’t sure about the whole thing and wanted to think it over very carefully. I said that the earlier she told me the better because I was getting the tickets and I wanted the best seats. She called me the next night to say that she had thought a lot about my offer, and though she would love to go to the theatre, she had to respectfully decline. She was sorry for disappointing me, but she didn’t think it was a good idea to mix business and pleasure. I told her that I understood and I respected her wishes. She thanked me a lot for being so understanding and that very few men were as understanding as I was. We carried on a while longer, having a whole other chat. Though we didn’t go out, she was very nice and decent about the whole thing. All in all, I think things ended nicely. What do you think, Doc? Frederick – who wants to know what his next move is Hi Frederick, If you were only interested in a chatting partner, then things went great, but if you were looking for a girlfriend, I’d say you failed miserably. Chatting was all you ever did with this girl, Frederick. Well, at least no one could ever accuse you of coming on too heavy! You remind me of certain salesmen from my selling days who could put on a beautiful presentation but never close the deal. Chatting is fine when you lack crucial details about a woman (like her name) but after a while, the chatting has to cease and you have to ask for the order – the woman’s home phone number. Notice that I said: ask for her home phone number - not her work number or cell phone number. Why? Because only the home phone number demonstrates sufficient female Interest Level; the other numbers are meant to appease you and keep you at arm’s length (not to mention that they are prone to problems such as sudden disconnections due to angry bosses or freeway overpasses). So, as you can see, Frederick; you asked what your second move was, when in reality, you had not even made your first move. But neglecting to ask for her home phone number wasn’t your only error. Giving this lady your business card and repeatedly talking about going out (before actually making a date) also hurt your cause. Women love confidence. But when a man tries to broach the subject of dating by dropping hints, it makes him appear timid. Rightly or wrongly, she perceives his business cards and his nebulous suggestions to “go out sometime” as cowardly measures to avoid her disapproval. As a man, you must have the guts to brave rejection and ask the woman out directly. You must act as if her opinion doesn’t affect you. In fact, it doesn’t. Why not? Because you only care about finding that lucky woman who has high Interest Level in you; you’re not trying to get the approval of every woman in town. Before you think I will only devote space in my column to pick on you, Frederick, let me say that your girl’s record isn’t clean either. First, she threw you a curve ball when she asked, “Why me?” It’s hard to find a better indicator of low Interest Level than a girl playing dumb after you ask her out. I’ll bet she even fluttered her eyelashes for dramatic effect! Then she said to you: “I need to think it over very carefully.” You only asked her out to the theatre, not to move to Mongolia! This girl gets an “A” in Women’s Stalling Techniques 101. “Needing to think” about going out on a date is Womanese for: “I’ve already forgotten about it!” Then she added, “Thank you for your understanding,” Which was Womanese for: “Thank you for not going berserk on me like the last guys I tricked.” First, she waits until the absolute last minute to tell you she never had high Interest Level in you - then she thanks you for excusing her behavior through your words. You made her work so easy! This is a good example of, as the column title states: “Women Don’t Lie – Men Don’t Listen.” By settling for this girl’s cell phone number instead of her home phone number, and for chats instead of a real date, you swallowed this girl’s hooks whole! And being the big fish that you are, Frederick, you kept biting - hoping that eventually, she would pull you into her love boat. Instead, you ended up on a tramp steamer. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “She worked you over good, boy!” It’s truly shocking how you were so pleased over nothing, Frederick - but that’s why I was put on earth: to make sure that you good guys out there never get confused or rejected again! As for your next move, Frederick, flush that number down the toilet where it belongs, eat at another restaurant, and only chat with the women who date you! Remember, guys – in sales or in dealing with women,
you’ve got to “Close, close, close.” The Power of Feminine Grace Dear Doc Love, I am a woman who has been around the block at least once, and I just have to tell you that I think your advice is very accurate and honest. I am 38, divorced, have children (with whom I have a very open rapport about everything from sex to politics), and I have the most incredible relationship with the most wonderful man on this earth! It is actually he who introduced me to your column, and he still reads it to me every week. Doc, one of the most amazing things about my sweetheart is that all the things that you promote and teach men seem to come very naturally to him. He has been mysterious, a Challenge (it was definitely me that did all the pursuing), and I cannot think of a man that has been more intriguing to me. He is extremely romantic, loving and committed all at the same time. You know the funny thing is that when Randy first read me your column, the modern, slightly defensive side of me said, "Horsefeathers!" But ironically, on closer examination of your response, when he and I discussed it and I actually put myself in that situation, I realized that you really have a very realistic understanding of male/female dynamics and behaviors. I am quite happy and proud to say that I love being a woman and everything that that means to me. I love being able to create life and nurture it and experience the most incredible pleasure, all within the same body. I love being able to dress up and look good for my sweetheart, or just wear no makeup and be casual with him. I love sending him little cards and gifts just to tell him that I love him, or being there to offer him a glass of wine and a shoulder when he has had a rough day. I love shopping for beautiful outfits as much for my own pleasure as for his, and I love the feeling of his warmth next to me at night. And he appreciates it all and shows it in return. So, to all the women out there who find my behavior and attitude offensive and weak (and I'm sure there are a few), all I have to say is that I just don’t care. Maybe they need to open up their minds and hearts and stop denying their feminine sides, and then they will see just how much they receive in return when they give instead of holding back. Until that time I really believe that they are missing out on something truly wonderful. In the meantime Doc, keep up the good work! Anyone who gives candid and honest advice on how to improve relationships (both single and married) is doing us all a HUGE service. Sincerely, Karen - the non-politically correct "girly-girl" Hi Karen, It’s refreshing to hear from a woman like you. You get an A plus in the attitude department and Randy is a very lucky guy. To your credit, you’ve ignored the Feministas who have tried to convince women that they must compete with men and “beat them at their own game.” But many of your sisters have been brainwashed and have become Amazon warriors, striving to outdo men and show them who’s the better ”man.” Ironically, the further down that road they go, the more unhappy they become. Men don’t want to compete with women. They may be momentarily impressed with a gal who can ruthlessly kick butt and play ‘hardball’ harder than the best of the boys, but she’s not the type they’d be drawn to have as the mother of their children. The enlightened woman, like you, Karen, knows that her true source of power is her femininity. You know that as a woman you have choices in the way that you get what you want and need from the man in your life. A woman can try to control her man with criticism and nagging, or she can use her feminine grace to motivate him. A woman does not give up her power when she is sweet and supportive. Rather, she empowers both her man and herself. A good woman makes her man feel like he’s a better man than he knows he really is. And, when he’s receiving that level of support and appreciation, he’s happy to do what makes her happy. It’s a win/win kind of a situation. Also, what helps to make it all work so well for you, Karen, is that you are with a man who is mature enough to appreciate your giving nature without trying to take advantage. And, you both have mutually high romantic interest in each other. To you men out there, Karen is the kind of gal you want to be with, someone who is a real giver. Remember, guys, always pick a girl who is sweet and
loving. Eliminate Your Competition by Being a
Challenge Hello Doc, I just read your most recent article at www.menstuff.org In my experience I have lost some great women because I didn’t call them right away or enough. As the girl in your last article said, when a guy calls her after a week she does not feel special any more. Women have walked away from me because of that very reason. You cannot argue with real life experience. Women do want a Challenge but not in the form of a lack of attention. They want it in the form of not being able to control the man and have their way with him. I believe the man still needs to be attentive right off the bat but his attention must be strictly on his terms and not on her terms. This means going where he wants to and doing what he wants and not giving into her requests and whims or trying to make her feel good so that she will like him. By making the distinction that his attention, affection and complements are something that he gives on his own terms, the woman can see that she has not yet won him over and is not able to control him so, he remains a Challenge and raises her Interest Level. Acting this way has resulted in me having the biggest successes with women. Plenty of attention right away, but on my terms, based on what I want without letting the woman control me. Waiting to call is a mistake. Cary – who thinks you are missing something Hey Cary, You say that I teach Challenge via “lack of attention.” Well you obviously haven’t studied “The System” thoroughly. I coach men to look at women’s eyes whenever they’re talking and to be a great listener. And when they combine those qualities with patience and proper timing, they start to become winners in the dating game instead of losers. But even though you’re off the track on proper dating /telephone etiquette, your insights about the importance of not seeking approval from women are right on the money. Although, what you’re talking about has more to do with respect than Challenge. Now if you can set your ego aside and allow me to educate you further about the importance of my “wait a week to call” strategy, you’ll soon be on your way to even more success with women. First of all, let me ask you, how exactly do you know for certain that these women who rejected you did so because you didn’t call soon enough or often enough? Remember, when you ask a woman why she rejected a particular guy, 99 times out of 100, the first answer you get will not be the real reason. I can hear you interviewing them now. “Hi Caprice, I was calling you to find out the reasons or reasons that you dropped me?” “Sure,” says Caprice. “When you got my number you waited a week to call and then you didn’t call me everyday to reassure me that you liked me, that’s the reason.” The real answer is always the second (or third) answer that you pry out of a woman. The first answer is always the politically correct answer. And if the guy she rejected and the guy who is interviewing her are one in the same, it’s 100% guaranteed that she won’t give a straight answer. I cross-examine women when I survey, just like the cops on “Law and Order.” I doubt that you did this. And how many women did you interview, four? I’ve interviewed thousands and I have never heard a woman say, “I dropped him because he didn’t give me enough phone calls.” To you Psych majors, do you really want someone as a life-long partner who needs reassurance through Ma Bell every hour? In actuality Cary, you should be happy that women with low self-esteem are dropping you. Having to constantly reassure your partner is like riding on a stationery bicycle with a metal seat, it’s a pain in the butt and it never really gets you anywhere. Cary, there’s something you must understand. A girl could give both you and another guy her number on the same day. And that other guy might call her the next day and take her out on a date while you’re still waiting to first call her. But if she has higher interest in you, she’ll be thinking about you while she’s out with him. And when you finally call her after that other guy has already called her for a second date, you are raising her Interest Level even higher. (She can’t figure out why you aren’t being predictable like all the other guys she’s gotten rid of and she becomes more intrigued.) So Cary, you don’t have to worry about some other dude beating you out while you’re biding your time using Challenge to your advantage. Women do the choosing, and if she chooses you, there ain’t nothin' your competition can do about it. And when you wait to call, any chance your competition might have had is seriously compromised. Don’t be concerned about making her feel special, make yourself special to her by being a Challenge. Remember guys, patience is the key to women. What to do with a Case of "Sneak-Up
Love" Hey Doc, I've been a friend of a girl for about two years now. I never felt any attraction to her until this past summer. We started spending a lot of time together, going out and having fun. Now she’s at college, living in a dorm, and I never get to see her anymore. She doesn't know how I feel about her. I want to tell her, but I don't want to lose the friendship we have. Wouldn’t she think it was strange for me to suddenly come out and confess how much I like her after being friends for so long? What do you think? Should I go for it? Bart Hi Bart, So, love snuck up behind you and bit you on the fanny, huh? The bad news - as I have mentioned in other articles – is that most women don’t allow you to switch tracks from friendship to boyfriend. The good news is: if by some long shot, your sweetheart is the exception to the rule, I can arm you with the one thing that would make a romance happen: Challenge - also known as Superwoman’s Kryptonite. Judging by the lack of Buying Signals (flirting) mentioned in your letter, I would assume that the object of your affection is comfortable with the relationship as it is and doesn’t think of you as anything more than a friend - the most dreaded word a man can hear from a woman. But in the small chance that she harbors some romantic feelings for you and is playing it cool, Challenge will turn up the heat and make her Interest Level climb through the roof! Challenge can even help you out when your female friend has only 49% Interest Level in you. How? It forces you to keep your trap shut around her and thus preserves your friendship. Blabbing your amorous feelings to a girl who doesn’t feel the same way about you can make her feel uncomfortable - which can cause a friendship to die a slow death. Here’s our game plan, Bart. First: withdraw slowly from your friend and become less available to her. Don’t call her at school; let her call you and wait a day to call her back if she leaves a message. Don’t initiate any e-mails; instead give her only brief answers to her e-mails. Once she returns from school and starts asking you out for the usual social events, only attend the outings where other single women will be present. Why? Because you will talk with these ladies and get their home phone numbers. Now, you may be asking me: wouldn’t I be disrespectful if I did this? My answer: Certainly not. It shouldn’t bother her if you two are at a club and you step away from her side once every hour for only five minutes. Besides - you two are just friends, right? The great thing is if your conversations with other women do bother your friend, then it means that her Interest Level in you is over 50% – which means you have a chance with her. By using this simple act of Challenge, you rub any hidden Interest Level she has for you in her face. After about a month of this, a look of frustration should eventually come over her and she will say “I’m tired of you chasing other women in front of me!” To which, you will reply, “Are you suggesting that we take the chance of ruining a beautiful friendship by you asking me out on a date?” She will then answer sheepishly, “Well, sort of.” This is when you know she’s seeing you in a whole new light – and that it’s now time to go out on your first date! Isn’t Challenge great? Remember guys, if you want to turn Miss Friend into Miss
Right, you have to let her think it’s her idea; you
must let her think she’s in control (Only you and I
know better!). Be a Challenge around her and she will feel
inspired to make positive changes to your relationship. But
if she decides to keep the friendship, then get mileage out
of the arrangement - go to clubs with her and show her off
to other women. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
would say: “Whatever it takes!” Guys, Has a Woman Ever Bewildered You with Any of These Lines? “Can’t we just be friends?” “I don’t kiss on the first date.” “I need someone who is more exciting.” “Did I tell you about my present lover? “I think you’re a nice person, but…” If you have heard any of these lines, you’re in luck because I have the medicine to cure your case of Confusion-itis. You are privileged to be reading the only romantic love column in America that comes from a male perspective. In last week’s article, we covered two major concepts: The Reality Factor (“Things are the way they are. If you go against reality, reality works against you, resulting in pain.”) and The Bottom Line Factor (“Only a woman’s actions truly reflect her feelings toward you.”). These two facts of life form the foundation of my unique approach to relationships, which I call The “System.” This week, I will give you the framework of The “System” by naming the three factors that determine success or failure in romantic relationships. These factors are: female Interest Level, female attitude, and male attitude. Interest Level is one of the most overlooked factors in successful relationships. Women call their Interest Level “romantic feelings,” or “love.” Interest Level is a degree of love. What is a “degree” of love? Let me give an example. Tom is at a party and he asks two women, Jill and Caprice, for their home phone numbers. Jill responds, “I’ll give you my work number instead - I just don’t know you very well.” Caprice, on the other hand, tears a bank deposit slip from her checkbook, circles the home phone number, and hands it to Tom with a smile saying “ Now, you’d better call me!” Interest Level is a scale that ranges from 0 to 100 percent. In our example, I would place Jill’s Interest Level in Tom at 20% and Caprice’s at 80%. Now, think about this: If Jill and Caprice were thoroughbreds running in the seventh at the Del Mar racetrack, and Tom were a betting man, whom should he put his money on? Why is female Interest Level so important? Because the closer the woman’s Interest Level gets to 100%, the more she likes you, and the more fun you will have - whether it’s on the first date or on your 20th anniversary. In sharp contrast, the further away her Interest Level is from 100%, the less she likes you, and the more she will eat, nag, and watch Ricki Lake. To you Psych majors: a man should only love a woman who loves him first and a lot. Of the three factors that make or break romantic relationships, the woman's Interest Level - not the man’s Interest level - is the single most important factor. In addition to overlooking the woman’s Interest Level, males typically overlook the importance of female attitude - a woman’s morals and her temperament. Even though your Miss Right is beautiful, inside and out, don’t you still have to ask yourself, "Is she going to be part of the crew or part of the cargo?" To you Psych majors, “Is she high maintenance or low maintenance?” If you are going to serve time with Miss Right, isn’t it best for your comfort level and sanity to find a wife who rubs your back and complements you once in a while just for taking out the trash? Of course it is. So, what comprises a good female attitude? Integrity, giving, and flexibility. A woman’s integrity is made up of honesty, loyalty, and trust – in other words: “Would I go into business with this person?" is the question you should ask yourself before you give up your freedom. To find out whether Miss Right is a giver or a taker, ask yourself, “Is she on my side? Is she sweet, serene, and supportive – at least some of the time?” One sign of a giving wife is that she says, “I like to do things to make my husband happy” when she talks with her girlfriends. As for the definition of flexibility - let me tell you what it isn't: hardheaded, structured, stubborn, intransigent, nor is it personified by nagging – the most cruel and usual punishment in America today. Flexibility is being willing to try something new – even if it is going fishing with you once, and baiting the hook with a creepy crawler. If a woman is normal, you make her like you more or less by the way you treat her, but you cannot affect her attitude – she comes to you wired that way. So, it is your job to do the things that raise her Interest Level toward 100%. How? By exhibiting the proper male attitude, made up of: confidence, control and Challenge. Most men know what confidence is, and even know that women love confident men. The other relationship experts, who come from a female perspective, don’t tell men specifically what to do to get this confidence. But if you read my column every week, you will learn how to automatically appear confident, even when you’re a nervous wreck inside! “Control” in my system stands for self-control (not controlling the woman). It means controlling your choices and actions in spite of what your emotions urge you to do. For example, if you’re at a dance club, and a gentleman hustles your girlfriend, you know to take it as a compliment to your taste instead of putting a chair over his head. By practicing self-control and not making a fool of yourself, you raise her Interest Level to even loftier heights. Challenge is nothing more than playing hard to get. You
do this because the woman is happiest when she does the
chasing, and when she thinks it is her idea to pursue a
romantic relationship – rather than yours. If you do
what I say, you’ll have to beat ‘em off with a
stick! What does True Love Feel Like? Dear Doc, As I’ve been reading your column over the last several weeks I’ve learned a great deal. Especially about the many unacceptable ways that some women treat good men and how guys let them get away with all kinds of unloving and disrespectful behavior. Now, when I look back at all my dating adventures over the last ten years, I can see that I was getting the short end of the stick so many times. I realize that I put up with all kinds of crap because I was just so happy that a cute girl was spending time with me. Even if a girl broke a date with me I’d keep calling her back for more abuse. In fact, I hate to admit it, but once I even drove for an hour and a half to pick up a girl who had already stood me up once before. She wasn’t there the second time either, big surprise huh? And now I can also see that more than once I wound up in a relationship with a girl who seemed to really like me but actually had what you call low, or at best mediocre, Interest Level But what’s even more depressing is that now I can see that I may not ever have had a girlfriend who had a truly high level of romantic interest in me. I don’t think I even know what that looks like. Prett pathetic I guess. But I know I’m going to be more successful in the future because of the new awareness that I have, thanks to you and “The System.” Could you just clarify something for me? How can you tell when a girl has authentic high Interest Level? What kinds of behaviors would she be exhibiting? How could I tell that her interest Level was really high and that she wasn’t just playing the part, using me, and biding her time until Mr. Jerk comes along? What kinds of things should I be checking for to know that she’s for real? Stanton - who wants to know what love, is supposed to really feel like Hi Stanton, Thanks for your candor. It took guts to write that letter and I appreciate your compliment. It’s great that you understand that there is a difference between low and high interest. Many guys don’t even know the difference between a woman with high Interest Level and a woman with low Interest Level. Why? Because they look only at their own feelings. The primary prerequisite for a woman to qualify as a potential romantic partner is that she must have high Interest Level. This means that she has to have deep romantic feelings for you. She has to really, really dig you and think of you as her hero, her dream come true. If her Interest in you is not at a high level, then you are not going to be happy being with her. You’re going to have to work hard for little reward, and what good is that? Love should be light and easy. And only a woman whose Interest Level is in the 90’s (on a consistent basis) is worth being with for the rest of your life. More often than not, when a woman has strong feelings for a guy, her Interest Level is high from the get go. To you Psych majors, she kisses on the first date. Soon after she meets him, she ‘knows’ that he’s “boyfriend material.” A different woman might meet the same guy and think he was a total dud. But somehow, this one particular guy rings this gal’s bell, and since he does, she lets him know it, both verbally and physically. Why? Because she doesn’t want to confuse him, or abuse him. She wants to make him happy. Ok Stanton, so how does she let him know that she digs him? When a woman has found her knight in shining armor, how does she treat him? What are the signs of high interest? Here is a partial list of the kinds of things that she must do on a consistent basis in order for her to have an authentic high Interest Level in you:
Ok men; let’s be honest. How many of these traits
does your main squeeze have? Remember guys, if you want to
be happy for the rest of your life only choose a gal with
high interest for your wife. Why is She all Warm and Fuzzy and
then Cold as Ice? Help me Doc, Lately I have been having trouble with a girl I really care about. At first we were just friends and I was fine with it. As time passed though, I grew attached to her and started really feeling for her. When I finally got up the courage to tell her this, her only reply was that she cared for me but “not in that way." I was hurt. I told her that I was still her friend but never really talked to her much after that, went off to college but could not completely let go. Well, while off at UCLA I discovered your articles on askmen.com rather by accident and started learning about how to treat women and how you have to be a Challenge and seem less interested in her than she is in you. When I moved back home we started talking again but I tried out my newly learned Challenge techniques on her. I did a lot of acting kind of aloof, slightly ignoring her and only calling her once a week instead of everyday like I used to. As time passed by she started being genuinely nicer to me; she started calling me more. Then one day when we were swimming together and things seemed to change. She was more flirtatious than usual and we eventually walked to a demolished small house where we found a tree to have a cigarette in. The branches were just high enough that she had to give me a boost up (she placed her hands directly on my rear to do this too). Then I lifted her up. The rest of that day we talked and her attitude changed, the body language she gave was positive and for brevity’s sake I’ll just say it went well. She called me the next day, but I didn’t answer the phone in an attempt to be a Challenge and called her a couple days later. After that she was even nicer to me, always asking how I was, wondering if I was OK. Then I went to Newport Beach on vacation for a week and when I came back I ran into her with friends, and she said she had missed me so much and gave me a big wet kiss in front of everyone. The next day I went to her work to visit her and plan something for the following day because she was off. But that day she seemed distant and it felt odd, so I left quickly and waited till yesterday when she called me and we got together. Let’s say it didn’t seem to go well. We didn’t talk much. She avoided my occasional flirtation and avoided eye contact when we ate. When we got to her house she got out of the car quickly and barely said bye. What’s going on with her? Was I too cold? Did I suddenly move too fast and scare her? Did I just read into everything too much and set myself up again for complete heartache? I don’t plan on talking to her for a week or so. What do I do now? How should I make my move, or did I screw things up too badly? Thanks for all help in advance Geoff - who is confused Hi Geoff, Great goin’! Once you learned about the power of Challenge you immediately changed your sappy ways. That’s not an easy thing for a lot of guys to do but you did it. In answer to your questions, I don’t think that you were “too cold.” It sounds as if you did a good job of being just cool enough. It also appears that you didn’t move too fast. You let her come at you and that’s right on. Now, if you had been able to apply the principles of “The System” to this situation when you and this girl had first met, we would now have an easier time deciphering what her true motivations are. But since you started being a Challenge only after she had initially rejected you, the situation is a bit more confusing than it might otherwise be. But acting like detectives on “Law and Order”, we will examine the four possible explanations for her confusing behavior: One, you used Challenge very effectively and turned her around. But when she showed real romantic interest in you, you got too excited and went back to your old non-Challenging ways. Once you did that you brought her Interest Level back down South where it started, and there will be no third chance for you. Accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 8%. Two, you’ve been a Challenge all along (since your awakening) and now she’s just testing you to see if you lose it and go back to your old ways and start coming on heavy again. (But if that’s the case, you’ve got a gal who’s so insecure that she has to keep having her partner jump through hoops, which disqualifies her as a potential girlfriend.) Accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 5%. Three, after she rejected you in the beginning her Interest Level stayed in the basement and never moved up at all. But when you became a Challenge, you ruffled her ego. She didn’t like that you had stopped groveling and didn’t enjoy losing control over you. So she flirted with you and seduced you into thinking that she had grown romantic feelings for you. Then when she knew that she had you back under her spell, she acted disinterested again so she could have the pleasure of confusing you and hurting you. Thus she was able to put you back in your place and demonstrate to you that you shouldn’t try to beat her at her own game. Although I may sound quite cynical here, the truth is that some women do this sort of thing and get away with it! Still, I really don’t think that your girl fits this description. She seems to be more of an innocent type. But as a love detective I have to look at all the possibilities. So, accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 2%. And four, she never really had any romantic feelings for you, but when you came back from college, you got her at a time when she was bored and lonely. She had nothing else going on, so she flirted with you and made out with you, but she kept her heart to herself. Remember, a woman with low Interest level (in the 40-49% range) can still do all kinds of things that will make you think that her Interest Level is high. Now she’s got something else going on with someone she has real interest in, but she’s reluctant to tell you to your face. This explanation is the one that I would bet on. Accuracy probability rating: 85%. But Geoff, regardless of the reason why this girl is now acting, as she is, The Reality Factor says that she’s skittish and inconsistent. And consistency is a crucial quality for any potential girlfriend to have. So on a higher level of awareness; we don’t look for an explanation for her behavior. We simply look at reality and note that at this point, this girl has become a hassle. She’s not available to be in relationship (at least not with you Geoff). Plus, she’s making you work too hard. Remember, when women like you, they help you, and she’s giving you about as much help as an IRS administrator. You could ask her WHY she was warm and fuzzy one day and then cold and distant the next. And when you asked, you would get an answer which might range from something like “What do you mean? I wasn’t cold and distant.” to “I don’t know, I’m just not sure,” to “Well, I’m depressed about environmental pollution,” or some other form of Womanese. The answer she gave might or might not have something to do with the truth (she might not even know herself well enough to give an accurate answer). But whatever her answer, you’d still be dealing with a girl who you can’t count on. So at this point, Geoff, I’d say it’s time to move on to greener pastures because this gal is going to continue to be more of a pain in the butt than six hours on a circus bench. Just look at this whole episode as a learning adventure so you don’t waste so much time next time around. Remember, guys, every girl is practice for the next. Women Understand Men and Men Don't
Understand Women Dear Doc Love: As a single, attractive dating female, I’ve been reading your articles, and I protest. There are so many wonderful, beautiful and kind souled single women in San Diego County who would love to meet a great guy to date and have a real relationship with. But you are misleading men by telling them to play ‘hard to get’ and you’re only contributing to more animosity and misunderstanding between men and women. The last thing we need around here is more men who play games. I took your article: "Wait-a-Week-to-Call” to my women's support group and they all just laughed! "What is he trying to do, teach men to be conniving women?" "That's what our mothers told US to do!" Teaching men to use a "strategy" takes all of the real excitement out of dating and meeting someone of real substance. If you told a man from back East to use manipulative strategies as you recommend, he'd laugh in your face. Real men go after what they want and don't have to play passive-aggressive games. Guys who take your advice must be real losers anyway! If I met a man I was attracted to at a party and he took my number and didn’t call me for a week, I'd think he was going through his list and I happened to be the booby prize because no one else wanted him. A real man would call the next day and at least show he was interested as soon as possible. Then he could make the date for next week or whenever. But at least he was manly enough to be Tarzan to my Jane. If he wants to be Jane, then I wouldn't want him anyway! If you guys just want to chase the same big boobed So. Cal. beauties, then of course, stand in line for a letdown no matter when you call. If you really want a kindred spirit to love and be with, then forget the contrived strategies and step up to the plate! We need some REAL men around here. LeeAnn - who says: “Print this if you dare!” Dear LeeAnn, Is that the best you can come up with? I see by the way you communicate why you wind up at the bottom of the list. I have to thank you, LeeAnn, because you have provided us with yet another great example of why you can’t find out what women want by asking them. If you and your girlfriends were able to be truly objective about your inner needs and desires, you wouldn’t be trying to make a mockery of my “wait a week to call” strategy. LeeAnn, imagine that you had gone to a cocktail party where you had met a successful, handsome gentleman who was a dead ringer for Pierce Brosnan. The two of you made a nice connection and he asked you for your phone number. Then you found yourself thinking about him, hoping that he would call to ask you out. Would you blow him off when he called you seven days later? Or would you be delighted that he finally called, and be eager to see him? Would you say to him: “I’m sorry guy, you waited more than 24 hr. to call me and that means that you aren’t a real man so no thank you.” Give me a break! The truth is that you’d be saying, “Yes, I’d love to go out with you” faster than Rosie O’Donnell can gobble up a cream tart. And why would you be saying yes so readily and enthusiastically? Because you had, what I call, High Interest in your James Bond look alike. Your Interest Level in him was 79% or so from the get go. But when he waited a week to call you, your Interest Level moved even higher into the low 80’s. You see, LeeAnn, in my hypothetical scenario, you already liked him a lot, but when he took his time to call you, you perceived him as an even more intriguing guy who has a full life and isn’t desperately hoping to find some woman to make him happy. Someone who is a REAL -- “real man.” Yes LeeAnn, you’d see him as a Challenge. And whether you know it or not, that’s what you respond to on an emotional level - a guy who is a Challenge. Not some needy, eager to please, politically correct nincompoop who is seeking your approval by calling you the next day. If I had an opportunity to use my interviewing techniques on you, I’m certain that I’d discover that the last guy you fell in love with was, in some fundamental way, a Challenge. Hopefully it wasn’t a married man who saw you only twice a month. You and your girlfriends say that I’m teaching men to be conniving women. Well, I couldn’t have said it better my self. If fathers would teach their sons to be a little more conniving, then the war of the sexes might be a bit more of a fair fight instead of manslaughter. But your mothers were wasting their time teaching you to be conniving. As a woman, it’s already built into you. Women have an innate understanding of men, but men don’t understand women at all. Or as Jack Nicholson once said: “ Women, they’re smarter than us, they’re stronger than us, and they don’t play fair.” But when my guys use “The System”, they’re finally able to out-game and out-gun you gals. And you think that my strategies are manipulative? I’ll tell you LeeAnn. If any of my guys has the self-sabotaging habit of calling a potential date 24 hrs. after getting her number, then I have to break him of that habit. He needs to learn to use a success strategy rather than a failure strategy, so I give him rules and principles to follow. Call it manipulative if you like, but you do yourself and all men a great disservice by disparaging my advice. I’ll agree with you on one thing. My philosophy is passive/aggressive but only in a positive sense. I show men that there is a time to be aggressive and there is a time to be passive. A man takes aggressive action by, for instance, being sure to always ask a woman whom he’s interested in for her phone number. Then he’s passive when he waits a week to call her, and then he’s aggressive again when he calls her for the date. But he doesn’t rush in like a dog in heat. And LeeAnn, why are you so resentful towards your skinny sisters who have large breasts, long legs, thick lips and high cheekbones? I’m sure that many of them are nice people who deserve love just as much as you do. Taking a kinder and gentler attitude towards all humankind might serve you well. Remember, guys, women are dying to chase you, they just
don’t realize it. Hi Doc, I've been watching this beautiful girl on campus. I phoned her two weeks ago, not using my real name. I told that I was from another campus and that I happened to see her when I visited her campus. The first thing she wanted to know is how I had got her phone number, so I told that one of my friends took it off someone’s phone. Anyway, she wanted to know what I wanted, so I told her that I wanted to get to know her. She asked me why would I want to get to know her. I told her that I liked what I saw on the outside and I wanted to see if the inside does the outside justice. She gave me a giggle. She then said that I shouldn’t call her again. I told that if she gave me a good reason why I shouldn’t call, that I wouldn’t call her again. Then she tells me that she doesn’t know me. I told her I could change that. Then she tells me that wouldn’t change anything. She's just not interested. Then I told her that she was jumping to conclusions. All I want is to get to know her, be her friend and see what happens from there. Then she asks me where I was from and what I was studying. I asked her where she was from and what she was studying and it was going pretty well. I asked whether I could call her again, she tells me no. So anyway I told her that I would call her in two weeks time. She didn’t say yes or no. I phoned her tonight and we started all over again. I asked if she remembered who I was. She said no, so I refreshed her memory. She then tells me that I shouldn’t call her again. She told me that she has no interest in guys because her studies were her first priority and that I should save my phone bill for that one special person. So I told her that special person might be her. She told me it's not her. She then started cross examining me again, trying to get more information about me. Anyway she told me that she had to go and has a test on Tuesday to study for, and I shouldn’t call her again. So Doc, what do I do now? Terry - who just wants to be loved Hi Ter, Did you know that you’re a Feminsta’s fantasy come true? Guys like you give the male bashers more ammo to use to justify their “all men are creeps” propaganda. Plus, you’re part of the reason that there’s a “War of the Sexes” in America today. You’d better wake up Dude. What you’re doing with this girl is dangerous. And the saddest thing about your question is that you don’t have a clue that you’re doing anything wrong. I teach men to be a Challenge and to be positively mysterious, but not creepily mysterious like you’re being in this situation. Haven’t you ever seen a film where the woman is being stalked by an obsessive guy who doesn’t have the self-confidence to approach her properly? You’re that guy, Terry. A surprise call from a complete stranger is guaranteed to attack a woman’s comfort level, make her feel quite concerned and possibly frightened. So, you should never, ever call any woman for a date when she hasn’t directly given you her phone number herself. Are you getting the drift Terry? You said that you saw her on campus. So why didn’t you just walk up to her and say something like: “Hi. My intuition tells me that you’re a Psychology major. Am I right?” Something positive and non-threatening, like a normal guy might do. Then you might have had a shot at getting her number and actually getting her out on a date. But your courtship technique is straight out of the Troubled Loser’s Handbook. But the girl you’ve been harassing is not without blame in this situation either. She must be some kind of Bimbo because any clinically sane gal would have cut you off immediately. Instead, she foolishly encouraged you by engaging you in further conversation. I think that she’s just too stupid to realize that she was being terrorized by you. Lucky for you she doesn’t have more brains or else you might have wound up having a little visit from the Sheriff. Terry, you need to build your social skills so you feel comfortable and confident meeting women face to face. Perhaps a bit of counseling and a self esteem seminar or two would get you going in the right direction. In the meantime, stay off the telephone. If you don’t, you may soon find yourself being handcuffed and taken to a confined space with a new 300 pound roommate named Bubba. Remember, guys, never attack a woman’s comfort
level. Can't She Stop Talking about Her
Ex-Boyfriends? Hi Doc I have the greatest girl in the world. Caprice and I have been dating for over 18 months. She’s a giver, she’s flexible and she’s honest as a nun. We are constantly having fun, and the conversation never dries up. Our families are close, and everyone assumes that we will get married. But as you say in your DATING DICTIONARY, “There are no clean deals.” And I’m hoping that you can shed some light on my situation. The problem is that Caprice keeps talking about her old boyfriends. I know you probably think that she’s rubbing them in my face, but she actually isn’t. She feels that honesty means openness about everything. She inadvertently brags about what great things these guys have done, and I could care less. I’ve tried ignoring it when she starts rhapsodising about these guys. It’s mainly two different ones and ignoring it doesn’t seem to discourage her. And to be real honest, it’s starting to get on my nerves. I’d like to tell her that it bothers me and ask her to stop. But I’m afraid that if I tell her that it bothers me, then she’ll think I’m insecure and she won’t see me as a Challenge. I know how important you say it is to always be a Challenge. So how should I handle this Doc? Tom – who doesn’t want to hear about her old boyfriends Hi Tom, Women often complain that their dates or boyfriends talk too much about their former girlfriends, but many women are equally guilty of the same indiscretion. (Women also hate it when men look at other women.) A considerable number of gals seem to think that being honest means being open about everything. But honesty and openness are two different things – that’s why they’re spelled differently. You can be honest without being open, and it’s better not to be “open” about your former lovers. Whether you’re a man or a woman sharing with your current partner all kinds of details about your past relationships is the opposite of romantic, and it’s also unloving. It serves no positive purpose. And most important, it’s disrespectful to the other person. Tom, although your girlfriend is naïve and is not purposely being unkind to you, she has to “get it” that her behavior is starting to jeopardize your relationship. So here’s what I recommend: First, use humor to give her the big hint that what she’s doing ain’t Kosher. For instance, when she starts going on and on about what a fantastic singer her ex, Jimmy, is, you say: “Oh yeah? That’s interesting. My ex, Cassandra, used to be a backup singer for Sting until she couldn’t deal with his ego anymore. But you should hear her voice, she makes Christina Aguilera sound like Phyliss Diller. I think Cassandra is such a great singer because she has an amazing lung capacity.” And then wink at your girlfriend like Dennis Quaid would, and walk out of the room. Let her wonder whether you were for real or not. Try the humor strategy up to five times (each time you would use a different silly story) and then if she still doesn’t see the light, you can try simply telling her that her behavior bothers you and that you’d like her to stop. By doing this, you are still being a Challenge because you are saying “no,” setting limits, and insisting that she be respectful. You can tell her twice to cool it if you have to, but don’t do it a third time because that would make you a nag. Hopefully she’ll get the drift by this point. If she still continues with her unloving behavior, we would then move to the hardball, ultimatum stage. (As a general rule, I do not recommend using ultimatums. However, sometimes they are necessary when all else fails and your partner is not responding to more gentle proddings. You have to know if she’ll get in line BEFORE you say “I do”.) So here’s what you can do as a last resort: As soon as she starts in again with the anecdotes about her former lovers, look at your watch and say “oops, I just remembered I have an appointment” (even if it’s ten at night) and then leave abruptly. Don’t call her for a week. If she calls you, let her talk to your answering service. If she doesn’t wake up after all that, Tom, then her head is made of concrete. Remember, guys, if she wants to keep you, she’s
can’t disrespect you – and get away with it. Dear Doc, I’ve really been enjoying your column. Before I found you I had been taking the advice of several other love doctors, almost all of them female. (It seems that most of the relationship “experts” in the general media, are women.) And I’ve got to tell you that I was given a lot of bogus information. Now that I understand your “System,” I realize that many of these so-called “experts” were totally wrong about all kinds of things. It’s actually painful to see how much time I’ve wasted following their advice. In the interest of helping my brothers out there who are trying to understand women, I am including some “tips” from one particular female love doctor who really had me off on the wrong track. (I guess it’s probably better to not mention her real name - maybe we can just call her Dr. Lu Lu) Maybe you would like to publish this and then point out the misconceptions that she’s selling. I think I know what’s wrong with her logic but I may have missed something. Check it out: Things a Man Should Do to Get a Second Date By Dr. Lu Lu Ph.D. 1. If you are nervous, don’t try to hide it. Women adore men who are aware of their own emotions and who are not afraid to share them. A simple, “I have to admit that I feel a little nervous tonight” is endearing. Also, once you acknowledge your own anxiety, it tends to lessen. 2. Give her a genuine compliment, but make sure that it cannot be interpreted in a sexual way. It is risky to tell a woman on a first date that she has sexy lips. It’s far better to tell her that she has a pretty face. A man who cannot keep his sexual desires under wraps on a first date may turn off many women. 3. Touch her heart. Bring her a small gift if you can think of something cute, clever or profoundly simple (e.g., a toy for her dog or a few flowers). So, go ahead and rip into her for me will ya Doc? Thanks. Rufus - who wants to help spread your wisdom. Hi Rufus, Thanks, guy. You’ve given us a fantastic example of some of the horribly dangerous information that’s out there. Let’s take apart these “tips” that you sent me, one at a time. First of all, if you are out on a date and you find yourself feeling nervous, you should certainly acknowledge it (inwardly) and you should keep your mouth shut about it. Deal with it, but don’t tell your date that you feel nervous. Just that one simple confession could put the kibosh on any potential romance. The first date is like a job interview where you must come off as cool and confident. Many of us are nervous on a first date, women included. But why bring it up? It’s a negative, and by disclosing it you’re putting yourself down. It may lessen your anxiety to get it off your chest but doing so will lower her Interest Level in you. You can “share your emo |
Archive