Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the issue of Relationships. This section is the 2001 Archive of DocLove's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archive 2004, 2003a, 2003b, 2002a, 2002b, 2000.
DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions
from a mans perspective. So, set your ego aside, learn
to laugh at yourself, and e-mail him at email@example.com
or call 800.404.2644 and he will give you a snappy answer to
your silly love question one loaded with truth. You
do what he says, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When
he gets done with you, you will need more security than
Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, he promises
not to use your real name, or give it out. All questions
will be answered, but only the ones of general interest
printed. Please be specific and dont ramble.
Are Beautiful Women More Difficult to
I met Miss Right about three months ago, and we hit it off quickly. She told me she didnt want to play games and that she believed in being totally honest. So I told her the truth, that I hadnt dated in quite awhile and that I was very available. Well, wouldnt you know it, she lost interest in me after I told her that. She went from about 85% Interest Level in me to probably about 40%.
So, I got your book a few weeks ago, and even though I thought it was probably a lost cause, I started to apply some of the principles of The System with her. Well, I have to tell you that your stuff works because the next time we went out she was all over me. It went so well that we made plans to go kayaking in two weeks.
I called her a few days later just to talk. She said she was too busy to talk but she told me to call her on Thursday. I called her on Thursday and I asked her if she wanted to go out before our little trip. She said - yes - she had Monday off, so I said Good, well go out then.
Then I called her on Sunday just to confirm things for Monday and to chat for awhile, hoping that I could raise her Interest Level a little more before we went out the next day. We talked for about 45 minutes about all kinds of things, and I got her to laugh a few times too.
So, we got together the next day and things seemed to be OK but she wasnt all over me like the last time. I guess I must have done something to lower her Interest Level again, but I dont know what that was. What did I do wrong Doc, and what would you say should be my next move?
Carlos who wants to know what to do now
Lets start at the beginning of your story and work our way through it.
First of all, whenever a woman tells you that she doesnt want to play games, you can bet your sweet bippy that the games have already begun. In fact, your odds of finding any woman who doesnt play games are about as good as finding a ten-year-old whos never heard of Harry Potter. Your initial mistake, Carlos, was that you fell for this girls rap, decided to be honest and let her know that you hadnt had a date since Michael Jackson had a nose.
You thought that this gesture of honesty would raise her Interest Level in you, but of course it didnt. To you Psych majors, she got turned off when he did what she said she wanted. Fortunately, Carlos, you started studying The System and you changed course. Just remember, for the future; never buy into this you can be honest with me crap from a female. Theyll always penalize you for doing it. And theyll always deny that they penalize you for doing it.
Its great that youre gaining an understanding of the importance of doing things to raise a womans Interest Level, Carlos. But, youre still going about it all wrong! You need to read and study ALL of the materials. The way that you raise a womans Interest Level is by being a Challenge. Now, Carlos, ask yourself, would a guy who is a Challenge be calling a girl every few days to chat with her like one of her girlfriends? Would a guy who is an unpredictable wildman be dutifully dialing up the woman he is wooing according to the schedule she has dictated to him?
If Alexander Graham Bell knew what blunders men would make with his invention, he would have scrapped the whole idea. The telephone should be used only for making dates. Thats it. If she wants to talk more after youve made your plans with her, tell her to save the conversation for the date.
Also, once youve made a date with a girl, do not call her for another date before you go out on the date that you last arranged with her, unless you want her to think of you as a needy Loser who hasnt scored since the 90s.
The best thing to do now, Carlos, is wait a full two weeks to call her. When you do, commit to keeping the conversation down to less than five minutes. Then, when youre out with her, keep her laughing and only do things that a guy who is a Challenge would do.
Remember, guys, talking on the phone is
I have a two-part question for you:
1) I recently developed a mad crush on a woman and to find out what my chances are, I sent her flowers at work. She genuinely seemed to appreciate the gesture, but she told me she had "just started" seeing someone else -- though she said she'd be willing to go out for coffee with me. Is she just being nice, or could she be leaving a door open? Might she even be lying about "seeing someone else" to distance herself a little while she decides whether she's interested in me or not?
2) I am a fairly good poet, and this woman has inspired me to write what I think is my best, most romantic love poem ever. On the one hand I'd like to share it with her, in the hopes it may melt her heart (it's that good); on the other hand I'm afraid it may creep her out by making her think I'm desperate and obsessed. Any thoughts?
Max who wants to know if he is on the right track
Instead of flowers you should have sent her an engagement ring. Why waste time, Max, everyone knows that women hate Challenge. To you Psyche majors, Im being facetious.
I look at Elle Magazine, and I have crushes on all of the models with blonde hair and bee stung lips. But guess what? Women do the choosing. And, Max, the guy that a hot blonde chooses isnt the guy who comes on heavy with flowers and love poems. And she certainly doesnt choose the guy who comes on heavy with flowers and love poems before hes even had a first date with her (unless hes a rock star.)
Yes, of course, she appreciated your floral gesture, Max. All women, even Feministas like flowers. But the question of life is: does she like YOU. If flowers created true Interest Level, guys would be handing out bunches of them in front of modeling agencies all day long. A stronger approach would have been to just ask this gal for her home number rather than sending her roses. When you ask a woman for her home phone number you reveal that you have interest in her. But by only asking for her phone number without coming on heavy with compliments or gifts, you maintain a sense of Challenge and mystery. Since youre the man, Max, its your job to be the initiator. You have to come on first. But The System says, You do it in a very minimal way. Get it?
Yes, Max, the odds are that she WAS just being nice when she said she was willing to have coffee with you. Might she even be lying about "seeing someone else" to distance herself a little while she decides whether she's interested in you? Girls with high Interest Level dont deceive you, and they dont need time to decide.
Ok, so her Interest Level in you doesnt seem to be very high at this point. But Im going to give you some tactics that will raise her Interest Level in you IF it can be raised. Remember, if her Interest Level in you is below 50%, it wont matter what we try. But if its above 50% we have a shot. So here are some cool moves you can make.
Ask her out for coffee, but wait 2 weeks before you do, because by this time, odds are, the other guy will be lowering her Interest Level. This move will also throw her off because she will have been expecting you to jump on her offer like an eager beaver. We have to be unpredictable and gain some ground because of the flowers fiasco.
Now the rule is that you never talk of other women, but in this case, because we have to bump off the competition, were going to make an exception. When she asks you about your love life, tell her that women stalk you after a few dates. When she asks you why, say: I dont know, its like a blessing and a curse, and then wink at her like the cat that just ate the canary.
And finally, Max, if you havent gotten the message about sappy poetry yet, allow me to reiterate: do not give her any love poems unless you want her to think of you as a little puppy dog looking for a home. As my cousin, Fast Eddy Love, would say, if her heart needs melting, begging aint gonna to do it. But when you use Challenge instead, then youve got some heat workin for you.
Remember, guys, always do what is right.
Im 28 years old and without bragging or exaggerating, I can tell you that I am very pretty and I get hit on several times a week. But just for fun I decided that I would be adventurous and see what type of guy I might meet if I tried Internet dating. Let me tell you about my experience on matchmaker.com. In the first week of my membership I received 700+ letters. It would be just about impossible to respond to all of them, even if I wanted to.
I am trying hard to be honest with those guys that I do not have a high Interest Level in, but they do not always make it easy! Some guys get really upset when I don't respond. One guy wouldn't stop sending letters to me, so I blocked his mail and he opened a new account to bypass it!
Out of all the guys who have sent me mail I have gone on about four dates, and out of those, one seems promising. The guys that I have responded to have a certain kind of look that Im into. (I only respond to profiles that include a photo.) They also demonstrate qualities of class and confidence in what they write about themselves.
But the things that a lot of these guys do are unbelievable. I got an interesting reply today, a small novel that was way too intimate. I just can't fathom how these guys think they will succeed when their methods are so wacko!
Maybe you can give men some guidance specifically on Internet dating and help them to stop doing things that turn women off.
Reva who wants to help you educate guys
Before we get to help the guys, I must first bust you on your Womanese. A woman who looks like you could walk into a Muslim mosque and get more propositions in ten minutes than the average guy gets in his entire lifetime. If you received 700+ responses in one week, youre not pretty, youre BEAUTIFUL.
Also, when you say that you decided to try Internet dating just for fun, I dont think you were being totally honest. What you really meant (Im the first man in 6000 years to be able to decipher the secret vernacular of females) was that since you havent met the kind of guy whom youd like to connect with at work, clubs, parties or the gym, you were hoping that the Internet might be a more efficient resource for finding Mr. Right. So you didnt do it just for fun did you?
But thank you for sharing your story with us. You have given us an interesting insight into the foxy females Internet experience and we can definitely learn from it.
First of all, guys, realize that any beautiful woman who has posted a picture on an Internet dating site is indeed going to be deluged with responses. A total of 700+ e-mails in a gorgeous babes in-box during her first week of membership are not an uncommon occurrence. Since she cant possibly read all the bios, what does she do? She screens by checking the photos. She goes by physical appearance. (This is one way in which guys and gals are alike.)
Knowing that she first screens by appearance highlights the necessity for having a photo that shows you at your best. So, I highly recommend that you spend the time and money on a professional photo session. Its worth it if youre serious about Internet dating.
When you embark on the Internet dating adventure, guys, you need to have a realistic awareness of the odds that you face. Even on the dating sites with the highest ratio of women to men, were still talkin only about 45% kitty cats to 55% dogs. And any woman who is reasonably attractive will receive hundreds of responses. Whereas, the average guy will receive about one or two unsolicited responses from women every so often, unless, of course, he looks like George Clooney.
Now let me emphasize that when you initiate contact with a female member of an Internet dating service, you cannot be emotionally attached to whether or not you hear back from her. Say for instance, that you find a womans profile with a headline that says: CALL ME CRAZY, BUT IM LOOKING FOR A MAN WHO IS 66+, SPEAKS PORTUGUESE AND LOVES TO SURF ALASKA. LOOKS ARENT IMPORTANT! You are taller than Shaquille ONeil is; you have a Masters degree in Portuguese and every summer you shoot the curl on the coast of the 49th state.
You politely inform this gal that, amazingly, you fit her criteria perfectly. But, to your astonishment you never hear back from her. In such a case, do not send more e-mail saying: Hey, why didnt you write me back? Instead, simply remember this principle: Women will tell you what they want, but 99.999% of them are incapable of telling you what they will actually respond to. And besides, begging never raises Interest Level.
Its definitely a numbers game on the net. So dont waste her time or yours by sending a long letter when you first correspond. Certainly dont send her a small novel (which she experiences as pressure). And absolutely do not send her a small EROTIC novel. Mentioning sex in any way is guaranteed to get you instantly rejected, unless shes a biker broad.
Instead, just pop off a quick note that says something like: Hi Caprice, I enjoyed reading your profile, and I liked your picture. Check out mine and write me back if you think theres potential. Always apply the principles of The System whenever you are pitching a woman on the Net. Keep it short and sweet.
Since youll get somewhere between 1-2 responses for every 10 that you send out, and half of those will be rejections, send out messages to several gals. If you keep trolling and youre persistent, youll wind up with some quality leads.
Remember, guys, dating on the Net is a numbers game.
Dear Doc Love,
Ive checked out several of your articles and I must tell you that I am appalled at what Ive read.
You seem to think that any woman who isnt anorexic is not worth the time of day. Whats with you? You make fun of Oprah and Rosie ODonnell for being overweight, and then you praise skinny women with plastic breasts. Did you ever consider that perhaps Rosie and Oprah are the size they are because thats the way nature made them? Why should they starve themselves for mens approval?
Many loving sweet kind women are overlooked because they dont fit your of rigid standards of beauty. I encourage you to check out the following facts and figures:
There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only a handful who do.
And even though I know that youll laugh at this, Im including a little
poem for you Doc, as food for thought.
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes
Because that is the doorway to her heart
The place where love lies
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul
Lucinda who thinks that you are a total bigot Doc Love
The Bible says that gluttony is a sin. But when I watch overweight preachers on TV Sunday morning they speak only of the other six deadly sins. Why? Because in America, fat is sacred.
Yesterday I saw an obese woman using a cane to waddle her way through the supermarket because she couldnt carry her own weight. With her tree trunk calves and her tiny feet in her tiny shoes, she looked like a 747 sporting Volkswagen tires.
Now, Lucinda, I know what you would say about her. Youd say shes not responsible for her slovenly, self-destructive eating habits. She cant and need not control how much she eats. She should be able to look however she wants and not be judged on her appearance. And everyone knows that it wouldnt be politically correct to criticize her.
Well I dont care how much the various full figured gals may glorify their excess poundage. Fat is not beautiful and, more importantly, its not healthy. Overweight people are at risk for diabetes, heart attacks, high blood pressure and wearing out the living room carpet before its time. Food is meant to be used for fuel, not as a way to escape lifes problems.
When a man picks a potential long-term partner, he must first look at her Interest Level. Then through the process of dating, he should evaluate her habits and attitudes. Does she have integrity? Is she a giver or a taker? Is she structured or flexible? Is she self-reliant? Is she a functioning adult? Does she practice self-control or is she run by her emotions? And does she have any unhealthy habits or addictions like, drugs, tobacco or FOOD!
Most importantly, I want men to pick women who are not overweight for partners so they will raise the kids to be healthy and not have eating disorders. Statistics show that if the parents are overweight, 90% of the time the kids also turn out to have weight problems.
Lucinda, please allow me to clear up something. Ive never said that all women should be model thin. Nature has made both ectomorphs and endomorphs of both genders. And each body type has its corresponding healthy weight range (and unhealthy weight range.)
Additionally, different men have different tastes in women. Some men prefer medium sized gals and some get excited about gals who are on the hefty side. America is a free country and to each his own. But the Reality Factor says that the majority of men prefer women who are not overweight. Like it or not Lucinda, thats the way it is on the street, just as women prefer wealthy men to guys who are on welfare.
Lucinda, lets get real. Be honest. Imagine that you had a friend who was trying to set you up with a handsome, charming fellow who weighed 300 pounds and would crush a camel if he tried to ride one. When you told your friend (as you surely would) that hes just not my type, would you be any different from a guy who rejects a pretty girl because shes the same height and weight as Oprah?
By the way, the reason that models now weigh 23% less than the average woman instead of 8% less is because the average woman is now 15% heavier than she was 20 years ago. The models arent getting thinner. People are getting fatter! Government statistics report that over 40% of the population are clinically overweight. To you Psych majors theyre obese.
Now youve provided us with another interesting statistic Lucinda. Seven out of ten women get bummed out when they look at fashion magazines. But curiously, women dont seem to feel depressed, guilty and shameful enough when they look at those magazines to stop buying those magazines.
Now here is a poem for you, Lucinda:
Roses are red, violets are blue. If you want your girlfriend to look like Oprah, just have her eat like her too.
Remember, guys, if shes fat now, just wait until
after youve said I do.
Dear Doc Love:
I had to comment on the advice you gave to your guys about the woman who refuses to give out her phone number which, you say, shows her low Interest Level.
I don't agree that that means she must have a low level of interest. I would never give out my phone number without first getting to know the person. You never asked whether the woman had possibly been subjected to repeated phone calls and messages left on her answering machine. Why should anyone have to change their phone number?
You said that a woman is supposed to take chances for a guy she's dying to see but the guy isnt supposed to take chances. You say that if shes not flexible, she's out, period. What happened to a guy being flexible?
Youre telling men to size up women as if theyre purchasing a car. Why don't you start by teaching people to respect one another? This isn't a battle. Its a date.
Mary Angela - who thinks you, should be going for anger management, not giving out advice
Hi Mary Angela,
Speaking of car purchases, I just sold my Toyota truck to buy my PT Crusier. (The Toyota was in perfect condition and I had all the maintenance records.) I love statistics so I kept track of the potential buyers who called. The 17th caller bought the truck but the first 16 had a lot in common. They all asked a lot of questions.
Some said they would call back when they had time to come over to see it but never did. Some made appointments to come over to drive it and never showed up.
A few drove the truck but for some reason I dont have any money was the best did not buy it. One buyer called every other day to find out if I had sold it, but he somehow never had the time to come over and take a look at it.
The guy who bought it No. 17 did something the others didnt. He asked no questions over the phone except, Whats your address? Ill be there in 20 minutes. He came over, drove it for a couple of miles and handed me the cash (not a check.)
As you can see, I had to weed through sixteen lookyloos and strokers. Sixteen bored and lonely people who entertained themselves by wasting my time. The odds in dating should be so good.
The point is: only number seventeen had high Interest Level.
The System is an efficiency program. It filters out the Low Interest Looky-loos, the Feministas, the Psychos, the Controllers, the Golddiggers, and the Professional Daters. It shows men who the REAL women are. How? By teaching the fine art and science of observing and interpreting womens actions.
Now allow me to point out, Mary Angela, that you are seriously deluded when you say that I think that a man shouldnt take chances in dating. On the contrary, if a man endeavors to be successful in dating he must be prepared to take risks constantly. Its the man who has to put his ego on the line in every phase of the dating process.
Its the man who must approach the woman, strike up a conversation and make her laugh. Its the man who has to ask for her home phone number. Its the man who must call the woman and ask her out. Its the man who must make the move for the first kiss. He faces rejection constantly, at every turn. All that the woman must do is show up and look good. Without ever once risking rejection in her entire lifetime she can still have her choice of thousands of men to date.
Every day, tens of thousands of men dutifully face rejection from women and are given no credit for it by women. Women expect men to take all the risks of initiating and consider it mens job to do so.
Ask any woman if shed like to trade places with men and the ones who answer honestly will all tell you No thanks. Often theyll add something like; Oh I tried that. I took the initiative and asked a guy out once, and he didnt like it. I think that men are threatened when a woman is aggressive. Ill never try that again.
They get rejected ONCE and then give up forever. Besides that, they blame the guy. If guys chickened out so easily no one would ever have any dates!
If a guy asks two women at a club for their home phone numbers and one gives it to him, but the other says, Its better if I call you, which woman is he more likely to have a relationship with? If a guy asks two women at a party for their home phone numbers and one gives it to him and the other says, Give me your business card, which one is he more likely to go the distance with?
My students are taught to call twice and then if the woman does not accept and keep a date, to throw her number away. Apparently, Mary Angela, youve had some bad experiences, but not with my boys because you would have been history before they never called.
Remember, guys, dating is a numbers game.
My name is Tom and I have a problem with a girl that I have been seeing. My wife of 12 years had passed away ten months ago and I am now forcing myself to start dating again. I met Dana through a mutual friend, so she was aware that I am a widower, and she already knows about some of my past.
I went out with her a few times and we really hit it off. The problem is that after the second date she tells me that she has been seeing someone for two years. Before we even went on a date I specifically asked if she had a boyfriend and she said no.
She continued to tell me that she was unhappy with her boyfriend because he had previously cheated on her for a year. After that they broke up, but he eventually talked her into getting back together. She also said that hes always too busy for her and that she is tired of always being last on his list.
I have heard that her parents hate this boyfriend and a lot of her friends have stopped talking to her because of him. I told her that if her dating me was becoming a problem for her that I was willing to just be friends. Her reply was that she was confused and didnt know how long we could last as just friends. Besides that, she would always wonder what it would be like to be a couple with me.
The last time I saw her she came over to my house after being stood up by the boyfriend and was all over me, so I know that there is some type of attraction. But lately I feel that I am being treated as second fiddle to the boyfriend.
It seems that shes calling the shots and will only see me when the boyfriend isnt around, and it seems like I am the one who does all of the calling.
I do think that I screwed up on the first few times that I was with her, because I was trying to sell myself to her that I was the better choice, so I told her that I really liked her and I then sent her flowers. I know that those were mistakes from reading your materials but I want to see if I can do something right now to become a Challenge to her. I really like her and would like to win her over. I just bought your program but I need some advice right away before I do something else stupid.
Tom who is still learning
You can say that again, you are definitely still learning. Never tell a woman whom youre attracted to that youre willing to just be friends. Its a pathetically weak and wimpy thing to do.
But lets back up. This girl is easier to read than a stop sign. Right out of the chute she gave you a giant red flag. You asked her if she had a boyfriend and she told you that she didnt. Then when you saw her again she told you that she DID have a boyfriend! So, Tom before you even had your first date with her she lied to you. Shes a liar. That right there is enough to disqualify her as a potential partner.
And here you are now, getting all emotionally psyched up about her. Youd never go into business with a liar, why would you consider pursuing a romantic relationship with one? Use some common sense dude!
And Ill tell you something else, Tom; shes not confused. Youre the one whos confused. Shes got you completely bamboozled and you've signed up for all of it.
This gal Dana is obviously a phony and a stroker. She throws you a bone to get you hooked and gives you a glimmer of hope so she can keep you around as her butler and therapist. But the way things have played out so far, Id say thered be peace in the Middle East before youll ever be lovers with this chick.
Tom, shes not worth trying to win over. But if youd like to use her to practice at being strong with a woman instead of weak, Ill tell you what you can do. Just as an experiment, become a Negative Challenge to her like her boyfriend is. Stand her up, put her down and boss her around. Thatll get her hooked on you, but you wont want to keep what you wind up with.
Remember, guys, she cannot teach your kids to be honest
if she doesnt know how.
Dear Doc Love,
Generally I agree with a lot of the things you have to say about women and the advice you give to men. But your recent article on what guys should look for in women to understand what high Interest Level is, is completely ludicrous. Now I agree that you should only date someone who respects you. I agree that you must be confident, not take any of her crap, not revolve your life around her, and finally, not date her if she is playing you for a chump. But the list of examples that you gave of the kinds of things that a woman must do in order for her guy to be happy with her, I mean come on!
I don't know if you were joking or not, but its seems like you want men to look for slaves, not wives. There are plenty of women like that. You can buy them from a Russian mail order bride site. I just don't believe that you can truly be happy with someone who worships the ground you walk on.
Most guys I know hate that kind of worship as much as women do. Don't give guys unrealistic things like she compliments you frequently and her knees buckle when she kisses you to expect to find in a women. Just tell them to find someone who will love them enough to tolerate their B.S. to a point, correct them when they are wrong, and someone who has a common interest and finds them interesting. I just don't buy it this time Doc. Like I said, I love your tips, love your column, but I just don't believe that the women you describe exist unless you are looking for some pathetic loser with low self-esteem.
Noel who says that you dont really know what true love, is like
Whats your description of a woman with high Interest Level, a self-centered psycho mercenary who constantly nags? An abusive user who hates men and is afraid of intimacy? Or someone, who flops on the couch, eats bonbons and watches talk shows all day long?
Yes, I did say that you should look for a woman who is consistently loving and affectionate, fiercely loyal and thinks of you as her hero. Now where do you get the idea that a woman like that, is a slave? Dont you think its possible for a woman to exemplify those qualities and also have brains, class and a successful career? Would only a pathetic loser behave that way? Give me a break!
It sounds as if youve never been with a woman who has actually had high Interest Level in you. Youve probably been spending too much time with women whose interest in you have been in the 40-49% range and you think that thats the best any guy can expect. Women with that level of interest will merely tolerate your BS. I think youve become bitter and disillusioned and have given up on having an exciting, romantic, loving relationship.
And, Noel, the fact that a woman turns into a playful little girl when shes around you, as I described in the article, has nothing to do with her level of self-esteem. You should be with a woman who has high self-esteem and who has also maintained some of her youthful innocence. Someone who is light hearted and playful with you.
Granted, my list of the qualities of a woman with high Interest Level is very comprehensive. I dont expect a woman to exemplify all of those qualities all of the time. But she better cover most of them some of the time, or shes not worth being with.
You must understand Noel, that marriage at best, is extremely tough. But the more flexible, sweet and giving the woman is the better the odds that the relationship will go the distance. So why not stack the odds in your favor by being with a sweetheart rather than a high maintenance user? At least you do understand that its important for the woman to respect her man.
My advice to you, Noel, is to have a more optimistic, positive attitude. Youve got to get that its a good thing to have a woman who thinks that you are the cats meow. And the kind of women I described does exist. You just need to raise your own self esteem level high enough to believe that you deserve to be with a woman like that, and that you have the power to attract her.
Remember, guys, a little bit of worship from your woman
is a good thing.
Is it normal for a couple to make love once every four to five months? I could easily make love everyday, but my wife of twelve years has lost interest. She claims it's a side effect of the medicine she takes for panic attacks, but in reality, her interest in sex went away a few years before the medicine. At that time, her excuse for her lack of interest was the panic attacks themselves (Catch-22?). She claims that she loves me, but I sometimes wonder if thats really the case. What do you think, Doc?
Terry who wants to know if she can ever get back in the mood
I bet youre hearing these lines:
Please, Terry, is that all you think of? We just did it four months ago! Have you been looking at those movies again? Dont touch me! Even a cold cat likes to be stroked so whats her excuse?
No offense, guy, but if you have to ask the first question from your letter, then you dont know what normal is. Dont you think that some wives out there still chase hubby around the dining room table when the kids are away, even after twelve years of cloying sameness? Im telling you that such women do exist! On the other hand, I know there are millions of miserably married men out there who rationalize their loveless lives because of their three brats and their 30-year house loan. Youre not alone in your ignorance of healthy relationships, Ter.
Your wife blames her medication for her deep freeze mode, but you said her problem began years before. Can you see the convenient consistency in her two excuses? In both cases, she doesnt have to touch you.
Yes Ter, she did put you into a Catch-22 situation. The great thing about her health excuse is that you become the ogre if you try to be intimate with her. She may even end up saying that you are the cause of her panic attacks! In fact, I would venture to say that panic attacks arent your wifes real problem - attacks of Low Interest Level are!
To be sure about her actual degree of feelings for you, heres a test you can use. Ask yourself if she has ever done any of the following for you:
1. Put her arms around you and/or kissed you for no reason
2. Complimented you on your looks
3. Sat very close to you at a restaurant or on the couch at home
4. Gave you a massage
in other words, has she ever been all over you? If she hasnt, you may have married a Professional Dater a woman who marries in spite of her low Interest Level.
Why are the above gestures so important? Because they show affection - the natural result of high Interest Level - which in a happy marriage, leads to lovemaking.
No matter what her physical condition may be, a clinically sane woman with high Interest Level in her husband (or in any other guy), can always express affection. But when her Interest Level is in the dumps, this task becomes too uncomfortable for her to accomplish.
Because a woman with high Interest Level would do anything to please you, she would show you affection even if she were lying in a hospital bed in a body cast! Seriously, Ter cant you see that a woman who really loved you would be willing to come up with some kind of love compromise? Unless you left some important details out of your question, Ter, Id say your wife is unwilling to work with you toward a solution which means that your marriage is in a tailspin. Sorry, guy.
Ter You have a lot of soul-searching to do. You must determine whether or not your moral and religious background says you must stay with a woman who does not love you. If you do stay, wear a happy face and be sweet to her especially in front of your kids, if you have any.
Remember guys, happily married women with high Interest
Level dont nag, get headaches, or ever refuse a
A waitress I like works at a restaurant I go to a lot. I gave her my business card and on a couple of occasions after that, we spoke about going out sometime. She was very open to the idea.
Before leaving town for a holiday, she gave me her cell phone number. I called her and we had a nice chat. When she got back, we talked a little about her vacation while I was at the restaurant. Later that evening, we had a long chat over the phone.
I eventually called her and asked her out. She responded by asking, Why me? I explained that I wanted to get to know her better. When I mentioned that we would go to the theatre, she seemed to like the idea. She then asked me when I needed to know for certain whether or not she could go because she wasnt sure about the whole thing and wanted to think it over very carefully. I said that the earlier she told me the better because I was getting the tickets and I wanted the best seats.
She called me the next night to say that she had thought a lot about my offer, and though she would love to go to the theatre, she had to respectfully decline. She was sorry for disappointing me, but she didnt think it was a good idea to mix business and pleasure. I told her that I understood and I respected her wishes. She thanked me a lot for being so understanding and that very few men were as understanding as I was. We carried on a while longer, having a whole other chat.
Though we didnt go out, she was very nice and decent about the whole thing. All in all, I think things ended nicely. What do you think, Doc?
Frederick who wants to know what his next move is
If you were only interested in a chatting partner, then things went great, but if you were looking for a girlfriend, Id say you failed miserably. Chatting was all you ever did with this girl, Frederick. Well, at least no one could ever accuse you of coming on too heavy!
You remind me of certain salesmen from my selling days who could put on a beautiful presentation but never close the deal. Chatting is fine when you lack crucial details about a woman (like her name) but after a while, the chatting has to cease and you have to ask for the order the womans home phone number.
Notice that I said: ask for her home phone number - not her work number or cell phone number. Why? Because only the home phone number demonstrates sufficient female Interest Level; the other numbers are meant to appease you and keep you at arms length (not to mention that they are prone to problems such as sudden disconnections due to angry bosses or freeway overpasses).
So, as you can see, Frederick; you asked what your second move was, when in reality, you had not even made your first move.
But neglecting to ask for her home phone number wasnt your only error. Giving this lady your business card and repeatedly talking about going out (before actually making a date) also hurt your cause.
Women love confidence. But when a man tries to broach the subject of dating by dropping hints, it makes him appear timid. Rightly or wrongly, she perceives his business cards and his nebulous suggestions to go out sometime as cowardly measures to avoid her disapproval. As a man, you must have the guts to brave rejection and ask the woman out directly. You must act as if her opinion doesnt affect you. In fact, it doesnt. Why not? Because you only care about finding that lucky woman who has high Interest Level in you; youre not trying to get the approval of every woman in town.
Before you think I will only devote space in my column to pick on you, Frederick, let me say that your girls record isnt clean either. First, she threw you a curve ball when she asked, Why me? Its hard to find a better indicator of low Interest Level than a girl playing dumb after you ask her out. Ill bet she even fluttered her eyelashes for dramatic effect!
Then she said to you: I need to think it over very carefully. You only asked her out to the theatre, not to move to Mongolia! This girl gets an A in Womens Stalling Techniques 101. Needing to think about going out on a date is Womanese for: Ive already forgotten about it!
Then she added, Thank you for your understanding, Which was Womanese for: Thank you for not going berserk on me like the last guys I tricked. First, she waits until the absolute last minute to tell you she never had high Interest Level in you - then she thanks you for excusing her behavior through your words. You made her work so easy! This is a good example of, as the column title states: Women Dont Lie Men Dont Listen.
By settling for this girls cell phone number instead of her home phone number, and for chats instead of a real date, you swallowed this girls hooks whole! And being the big fish that you are, Frederick, you kept biting - hoping that eventually, she would pull you into her love boat. Instead, you ended up on a tramp steamer. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, She worked you over good, boy!
Its truly shocking how you were so pleased over nothing, Frederick - but thats why I was put on earth: to make sure that you good guys out there never get confused or rejected again! As for your next move, Frederick, flush that number down the toilet where it belongs, eat at another restaurant, and only chat with the women who date you!
Remember, guys in sales or in dealing with women,
youve got to Close, close, close.
Dear Doc Love,
I am a woman who has been around the block at least once, and I just have to tell you that I think your advice is very accurate and honest. I am 38, divorced, have children (with whom I have a very open rapport about everything from sex to politics), and I have the most incredible relationship with the most wonderful man on this earth! It is actually he who introduced me to your column, and he still reads it to me every week.
Doc, one of the most amazing things about my sweetheart is that all the things that you promote and teach men seem to come very naturally to him. He has been mysterious, a Challenge (it was definitely me that did all the pursuing), and I cannot think of a man that has been more intriguing to me. He is extremely romantic, loving and committed all at the same time.
You know the funny thing is that when Randy first read me your column, the modern, slightly defensive side of me said, "Horsefeathers!" But ironically, on closer examination of your response, when he and I discussed it and I actually put myself in that situation, I realized that you really have a very realistic understanding of male/female dynamics and behaviors.
I am quite happy and proud to say that I love being a woman and everything that that means to me. I love being able to create life and nurture it and experience the most incredible pleasure, all within the same body. I love being able to dress up and look good for my sweetheart, or just wear no makeup and be casual with him. I love sending him little cards and gifts just to tell him that I love him, or being there to offer him a glass of wine and a shoulder when he has had a rough day. I love shopping for beautiful outfits as much for my own pleasure as for his, and I love the feeling of his warmth next to me at night. And he appreciates it all and shows it in return.
So, to all the women out there who find my behavior and attitude offensive and weak (and I'm sure there are a few), all I have to say is that I just dont care. Maybe they need to open up their minds and hearts and stop denying their feminine sides, and then they will see just how much they receive in return when they give instead of holding back. Until that time I really believe that they are missing out on something truly wonderful.
In the meantime Doc, keep up the good work! Anyone who gives candid and honest advice on how to improve relationships (both single and married) is doing us all a HUGE service.
Karen - the non-politically correct "girly-girl"
Its refreshing to hear from a woman like you. You get an A plus in the attitude department and Randy is a very lucky guy.
To your credit, youve ignored the Feministas who have tried to convince women that they must compete with men and beat them at their own game. But many of your sisters have been brainwashed and have become Amazon warriors, striving to outdo men and show them whos the better man. Ironically, the further down that road they go, the more unhappy they become.
Men dont want to compete with women. They may be momentarily impressed with a gal who can ruthlessly kick butt and play hardball harder than the best of the boys, but shes not the type theyd be drawn to have as the mother of their children. The enlightened woman, like you, Karen, knows that her true source of power is her femininity.
You know that as a woman you have choices in the way that you get what you want and need from the man in your life. A woman can try to control her man with criticism and nagging, or she can use her feminine grace to motivate him.
A woman does not give up her power when she is sweet and supportive. Rather, she empowers both her man and herself. A good woman makes her man feel like hes a better man than he knows he really is. And, when hes receiving that level of support and appreciation, hes happy to do what makes her happy. Its a win/win kind of a situation.
Also, what helps to make it all work so well for you, Karen, is that you are with a man who is mature enough to appreciate your giving nature without trying to take advantage. And, you both have mutually high romantic interest in each other.
To you men out there, Karen is the kind of gal you want to be with, someone who is a real giver.
Remember, guys, always pick a girl who is sweet and
I just read your most recent article at www.menstuff.org
In my experience I have lost some great women because I didnt call them right away or enough. As the girl in your last article said, when a guy calls her after a week she does not feel special any more. Women have walked away from me because of that very reason. You cannot argue with real life experience.
Women do want a Challenge but not in the form of a lack of attention. They want it in the form of not being able to control the man and have their way with him. I believe the man still needs to be attentive right off the bat but his attention must be strictly on his terms and not on her terms. This means going where he wants to and doing what he wants and not giving into her requests and whims or trying to make her feel good so that she will like him.
By making the distinction that his attention, affection and complements are something that he gives on his own terms, the woman can see that she has not yet won him over and is not able to control him so, he remains a Challenge and raises her Interest Level.
Acting this way has resulted in me having the biggest successes with women. Plenty of attention right away, but on my terms, based on what I want without letting the woman control me. Waiting to call is a mistake.
Cary who thinks you are missing something
You say that I teach Challenge via lack of attention. Well you obviously havent studied The System thoroughly. I coach men to look at womens eyes whenever theyre talking and to be a great listener. And when they combine those qualities with patience and proper timing, they start to become winners in the dating game instead of losers.
But even though youre off the track on proper dating /telephone etiquette, your insights about the importance of not seeking approval from women are right on the money. Although, what youre talking about has more to do with respect than Challenge.
Now if you can set your ego aside and allow me to educate you further about the importance of my wait a week to call strategy, youll soon be on your way to even more success with women.
First of all, let me ask you, how exactly do you know for certain that these women who rejected you did so because you didnt call soon enough or often enough? Remember, when you ask a woman why she rejected a particular guy, 99 times out of 100, the first answer you get will not be the real reason.
I can hear you interviewing them now. Hi Caprice, I was calling you to find out the reasons or reasons that you dropped me? Sure, says Caprice. When you got my number you waited a week to call and then you didnt call me everyday to reassure me that you liked me, thats the reason.
The real answer is always the second (or third) answer that you pry out of a woman. The first answer is always the politically correct answer. And if the guy she rejected and the guy who is interviewing her are one in the same, its 100% guaranteed that she wont give a straight answer. I cross-examine women when I survey, just like the cops on Law and Order. I doubt that you did this.
And how many women did you interview, four? Ive interviewed thousands and I have never heard a woman say, I dropped him because he didnt give me enough phone calls. To you Psych majors, do you really want someone as a life-long partner who needs reassurance through Ma Bell every hour?
In actuality Cary, you should be happy that women with low self-esteem are dropping you. Having to constantly reassure your partner is like riding on a stationery bicycle with a metal seat, its a pain in the butt and it never really gets you anywhere.
Cary, theres something you must understand. A girl could give both you and another guy her number on the same day. And that other guy might call her the next day and take her out on a date while youre still waiting to first call her. But if she has higher interest in you, shell be thinking about you while shes out with him.
And when you finally call her after that other guy has already called her for a second date, you are raising her Interest Level even higher. (She cant figure out why you arent being predictable like all the other guys shes gotten rid of and she becomes more intrigued.)
So Cary, you dont have to worry about some other dude beating you out while youre biding your time using Challenge to your advantage. Women do the choosing, and if she chooses you, there aint nothin' your competition can do about it. And when you wait to call, any chance your competition might have had is seriously compromised.
Dont be concerned about making her feel special, make yourself special to her by being a Challenge.
Remember guys, patience is the key to women.
I've been a friend of a girl for about two years now. I never felt any attraction to her until this past summer. We started spending a lot of time together, going out and having fun. Now shes at college, living in a dorm, and I never get to see her anymore.
She doesn't know how I feel about her. I want to tell her, but I don't want to lose the friendship we have. Wouldnt she think it was strange for me to suddenly come out and confess how much I like her after being friends for so long? What do you think? Should I go for it?
So, love snuck up behind you and bit you on the fanny, huh? The bad news - as I have mentioned in other articles is that most women dont allow you to switch tracks from friendship to boyfriend. The good news is: if by some long shot, your sweetheart is the exception to the rule, I can arm you with the one thing that would make a romance happen: Challenge - also known as Superwomans Kryptonite.
Judging by the lack of Buying Signals (flirting) mentioned in your letter, I would assume that the object of your affection is comfortable with the relationship as it is and doesnt think of you as anything more than a friend - the most dreaded word a man can hear from a woman. But in the small chance that she harbors some romantic feelings for you and is playing it cool, Challenge will turn up the heat and make her Interest Level climb through the roof!
Challenge can even help you out when your female friend has only 49% Interest Level in you. How? It forces you to keep your trap shut around her and thus preserves your friendship. Blabbing your amorous feelings to a girl who doesnt feel the same way about you can make her feel uncomfortable - which can cause a friendship to die a slow death.
Heres our game plan, Bart. First: withdraw slowly from your friend and become less available to her. Dont call her at school; let her call you and wait a day to call her back if she leaves a message. Dont initiate any e-mails; instead give her only brief answers to her e-mails.
Once she returns from school and starts asking you out for the usual social events, only attend the outings where other single women will be present. Why? Because you will talk with these ladies and get their home phone numbers.
Now, you may be asking me: wouldnt I be disrespectful if I did this? My answer: Certainly not. It shouldnt bother her if you two are at a club and you step away from her side once every hour for only five minutes. Besides - you two are just friends, right? The great thing is if your conversations with other women do bother your friend, then it means that her Interest Level in you is over 50% which means you have a chance with her.
By using this simple act of Challenge, you rub any hidden Interest Level she has for you in her face. After about a month of this, a look of frustration should eventually come over her and she will say Im tired of you chasing other women in front of me! To which, you will reply, Are you suggesting that we take the chance of ruining a beautiful friendship by you asking me out on a date? She will then answer sheepishly, Well, sort of. This is when you know shes seeing you in a whole new light and that its now time to go out on your first date! Isnt Challenge great?
Remember guys, if you want to turn Miss Friend into Miss
Right, you have to let her think its her idea; you
must let her think shes in control (Only you and I
know better!). Be a Challenge around her and she will feel
inspired to make positive changes to your relationship. But
if she decides to keep the friendship, then get mileage out
of the arrangement - go to clubs with her and show her off
to other women. As my cousin Sal The Fish Love
would say: Whatever it takes!
Cant we just be friends?
I dont kiss on the first date.
I need someone who is more exciting.
Did I tell you about my present lover?
I think youre a nice person, but
If you have heard any of these lines, youre in luck because I have the medicine to cure your case of Confusion-itis. You are privileged to be reading the only romantic love column in America that comes from a male perspective.
In last weeks article, we covered two major concepts: The Reality Factor (Things are the way they are. If you go against reality, reality works against you, resulting in pain.) and The Bottom Line Factor (Only a womans actions truly reflect her feelings toward you.). These two facts of life form the foundation of my unique approach to relationships, which I call The System. This week, I will give you the framework of The System by naming the three factors that determine success or failure in romantic relationships. These factors are: female Interest Level, female attitude, and male attitude.
Interest Level is one of the most overlooked factors in successful relationships. Women call their Interest Level romantic feelings, or love. Interest Level is a degree of love. What is a degree of love? Let me give an example. Tom is at a party and he asks two women, Jill and Caprice, for their home phone numbers. Jill responds, Ill give you my work number instead - I just dont know you very well. Caprice, on the other hand, tears a bank deposit slip from her checkbook, circles the home phone number, and hands it to Tom with a smile saying Now, youd better call me!
Interest Level is a scale that ranges from 0 to 100 percent. In our example, I would place Jills Interest Level in Tom at 20% and Caprices at 80%. Now, think about this: If Jill and Caprice were thoroughbreds running in the seventh at the Del Mar racetrack, and Tom were a betting man, whom should he put his money on?
Why is female Interest Level so important? Because the closer the womans Interest Level gets to 100%, the more she likes you, and the more fun you will have - whether its on the first date or on your 20th anniversary. In sharp contrast, the further away her Interest Level is from 100%, the less she likes you, and the more she will eat, nag, and watch Ricki Lake. To you Psych majors: a man should only love a woman who loves him first and a lot.
Of the three factors that make or break romantic relationships, the woman's Interest Level - not the mans Interest level - is the single most important factor.
In addition to overlooking the womans Interest Level, males typically overlook the importance of female attitude - a womans morals and her temperament. Even though your Miss Right is beautiful, inside and out, dont you still have to ask yourself, "Is she going to be part of the crew or part of the cargo?" To you Psych majors, Is she high maintenance or low maintenance? If you are going to serve time with Miss Right, isnt it best for your comfort level and sanity to find a wife who rubs your back and complements you once in a while just for taking out the trash? Of course it is.
So, what comprises a good female attitude? Integrity, giving, and flexibility.
A womans integrity is made up of honesty, loyalty, and trust in other words: Would I go into business with this person?" is the question you should ask yourself before you give up your freedom.
To find out whether Miss Right is a giver or a taker, ask yourself, Is she on my side? Is she sweet, serene, and supportive at least some of the time? One sign of a giving wife is that she says, I like to do things to make my husband happy when she talks with her girlfriends.
As for the definition of flexibility - let me tell you what it isn't: hardheaded, structured, stubborn, intransigent, nor is it personified by nagging the most cruel and usual punishment in America today. Flexibility is being willing to try something new even if it is going fishing with you once, and baiting the hook with a creepy crawler.
If a woman is normal, you make her like you more or less by the way you treat her, but you cannot affect her attitude she comes to you wired that way. So, it is your job to do the things that raise her Interest Level toward 100%. How? By exhibiting the proper male attitude, made up of: confidence, control and Challenge.
Most men know what confidence is, and even know that women love confident men. The other relationship experts, who come from a female perspective, dont tell men specifically what to do to get this confidence. But if you read my column every week, you will learn how to automatically appear confident, even when youre a nervous wreck inside!
Control in my system stands for self-control (not controlling the woman). It means controlling your choices and actions in spite of what your emotions urge you to do. For example, if youre at a dance club, and a gentleman hustles your girlfriend, you know to take it as a compliment to your taste instead of putting a chair over his head. By practicing self-control and not making a fool of yourself, you raise her Interest Level to even loftier heights.
Challenge is nothing more than playing hard to get. You
do this because the woman is happiest when she does the
chasing, and when she thinks it is her idea to pursue a
romantic relationship rather than yours. If you do
what I say, youll have to beat em off with a
As Ive been reading your column over the last several weeks Ive learned a great deal. Especially about the many unacceptable ways that some women treat good men and how guys let them get away with all kinds of unloving and disrespectful behavior.
Now, when I look back at all my dating adventures over the last ten years, I can see that I was getting the short end of the stick so many times. I realize that I put up with all kinds of crap because I was just so happy that a cute girl was spending time with me.
Even if a girl broke a date with me Id keep calling her back for more abuse. In fact, I hate to admit it, but once I even drove for an hour and a half to pick up a girl who had already stood me up once before. She wasnt there the second time either, big surprise huh?
And now I can also see that more than once I wound up in a relationship with a girl who seemed to really like me but actually had what you call low, or at best mediocre, Interest Level
But whats even more depressing is that now I can see that I may not ever have had a girlfriend who had a truly high level of romantic interest in me. I dont think I even know what that looks like. Prett pathetic I guess. But I know Im going to be more successful in the future because of the new awareness that I have, thanks to you and The System.
Could you just clarify something for me? How can you tell when a girl has authentic high Interest Level? What kinds of behaviors would she be exhibiting? How could I tell that her interest Level was really high and that she wasnt just playing the part, using me, and biding her time until Mr. Jerk comes along? What kinds of things should I be checking for to know that shes for real?
Stanton - who wants to know what love, is supposed to really feel like
Thanks for your candor. It took guts to write that letter and I appreciate your compliment.
Its great that you understand that there is a difference between low and high interest. Many guys dont even know the difference between a woman with high Interest Level and a woman with low Interest Level. Why? Because they look only at their own feelings.
The primary prerequisite for a woman to qualify as a potential romantic partner is that she must have high Interest Level. This means that she has to have deep romantic feelings for you. She has to really, really dig you and think of you as her hero, her dream come true. If her Interest in you is not at a high level, then you are not going to be happy being with her. Youre going to have to work hard for little reward, and what good is that? Love should be light and easy. And only a woman whose Interest Level is in the 90s (on a consistent basis) is worth being with for the rest of your life.
More often than not, when a woman has strong feelings for a guy, her Interest Level is high from the get go. To you Psych majors, she kisses on the first date. Soon after she meets him, she knows that hes boyfriend material. A different woman might meet the same guy and think he was a total dud. But somehow, this one particular guy rings this gals bell, and since he does, she lets him know it, both verbally and physically. Why? Because she doesnt want to confuse him, or abuse him. She wants to make him happy.
Ok Stanton, so how does she let him know that she digs him? When a woman has found her knight in shining armor, how does she treat him? What are the signs of high interest?
Here is a partial list of the kinds of things that she must do on a consistent basis in order for her to have an authentic high Interest Level in you:
Ok men; lets be honest. How many of these traits
does your main squeeze have? Remember guys, if you want to
be happy for the rest of your life only choose a gal with
high interest for your wife.
Help me Doc,
Lately I have been having trouble with a girl I really care about. At first we were just friends and I was fine with it. As time passed though, I grew attached to her and started really feeling for her. When I finally got up the courage to tell her this, her only reply was that she cared for me but not in that way." I was hurt. I told her that I was still her friend but never really talked to her much after that, went off to college but could not completely let go.
Well, while off at UCLA I discovered your articles on askmen.com rather by accident and started learning about how to treat women and how you have to be a Challenge and seem less interested in her than she is in you.
When I moved back home we started talking again but I tried out my newly learned Challenge techniques on her. I did a lot of acting kind of aloof, slightly ignoring her and only calling her once a week instead of everyday like I used to.
As time passed by she started being genuinely nicer to me; she started calling me more. Then one day when we were swimming together and things seemed to change. She was more flirtatious than usual and we eventually walked to a demolished small house where we found a tree to have a cigarette in.
The branches were just high enough that she had to give me a boost up (she placed her hands directly on my rear to do this too). Then I lifted her up. The rest of that day we talked and her attitude changed, the body language she gave was positive and for brevitys sake Ill just say it went well.
She called me the next day, but I didnt answer the phone in an attempt to be a Challenge and called her a couple days later. After that she was even nicer to me, always asking how I was, wondering if I was OK. Then I went to Newport Beach on vacation for a week and when I came back I ran into her with friends, and she said she had missed me so much and gave me a big wet kiss in front of everyone.
The next day I went to her work to visit her and plan something for the following day because she was off. But that day she seemed distant and it felt odd, so I left quickly and waited till yesterday when she called me and we got together.
Lets say it didnt seem to go well. We didnt talk much. She avoided my occasional flirtation and avoided eye contact when we ate. When we got to her house she got out of the car quickly and barely said bye.
Whats going on with her? Was I too cold? Did I suddenly move too fast and scare her? Did I just read into everything too much and set myself up again for complete heartache? I dont plan on talking to her for a week or so. What do I do now? How should I make my move, or did I screw things up too badly?
Thanks for all help in advance
Geoff - who is confused
Great goin! Once you learned about the power of Challenge you immediately changed your sappy ways. Thats not an easy thing for a lot of guys to do but you did it.
In answer to your questions, I dont think that you were too cold. It sounds as if you did a good job of being just cool enough. It also appears that you didnt move too fast. You let her come at you and thats right on.
Now, if you had been able to apply the principles of The System to this situation when you and this girl had first met, we would now have an easier time deciphering what her true motivations are. But since you started being a Challenge only after she had initially rejected you, the situation is a bit more confusing than it might otherwise be.
But acting like detectives on Law and Order, we will examine the four possible explanations for her confusing behavior:
One, you used Challenge very effectively and turned her around. But when she showed real romantic interest in you, you got too excited and went back to your old non-Challenging ways. Once you did that you brought her Interest Level back down South where it started, and there will be no third chance for you. Accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 8%.
Two, youve been a Challenge all along (since your awakening) and now shes just testing you to see if you lose it and go back to your old ways and start coming on heavy again. (But if thats the case, youve got a gal whos so insecure that she has to keep having her partner jump through hoops, which disqualifies her as a potential girlfriend.) Accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 5%.
Three, after she rejected you in the beginning her Interest Level stayed in the basement and never moved up at all. But when you became a Challenge, you ruffled her ego. She didnt like that you had stopped groveling and didnt enjoy losing control over you. So she flirted with you and seduced you into thinking that she had grown romantic feelings for you.
Then when she knew that she had you back under her spell, she acted disinterested again so she could have the pleasure of confusing you and hurting you. Thus she was able to put you back in your place and demonstrate to you that you shouldnt try to beat her at her own game.
Although I may sound quite cynical here, the truth is that some women do this sort of thing and get away with it! Still, I really dont think that your girl fits this description. She seems to be more of an innocent type. But as a love detective I have to look at all the possibilities. So, accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 2%.
And four, she never really had any romantic feelings for you, but when you came back from college, you got her at a time when she was bored and lonely. She had nothing else going on, so she flirted with you and made out with you, but she kept her heart to herself. Remember, a woman with low Interest level (in the 40-49% range) can still do all kinds of things that will make you think that her Interest Level is high. Now shes got something else going on with someone she has real interest in, but shes reluctant to tell you to your face. This explanation is the one that I would bet on. Accuracy probability rating: 85%.
But Geoff, regardless of the reason why this girl is now acting, as she is, The Reality Factor says that shes skittish and inconsistent. And consistency is a crucial quality for any potential girlfriend to have.
So on a higher level of awareness; we dont look for an explanation for her behavior. We simply look at reality and note that at this point, this girl has become a hassle. Shes not available to be in relationship (at least not with you Geoff). Plus, shes making you work too hard. Remember, when women like you, they help you, and shes giving you about as much help as an IRS administrator.
You could ask her WHY she was warm and fuzzy one day and then cold and distant the next. And when you asked, you would get an answer which might range from something like What do you mean? I wasnt cold and distant. to I dont know, Im just not sure, to Well, Im depressed about environmental pollution, or some other form of Womanese.
The answer she gave might or might not have something to do with the truth (she might not even know herself well enough to give an accurate answer). But whatever her answer, youd still be dealing with a girl who you cant count on.
So at this point, Geoff, Id say its time to move on to greener pastures because this gal is going to continue to be more of a pain in the butt than six hours on a circus bench. Just look at this whole episode as a learning adventure so you dont waste so much time next time around.
Remember, guys, every girl is practice for the next.
Dear Doc Love:
As a single, attractive dating female, Ive been reading your articles, and I protest.
There are so many wonderful, beautiful and kind souled single women in San Diego County who would love to meet a great guy to date and have a real relationship with. But you are misleading men by telling them to play hard to get and youre only contributing to more animosity and misunderstanding between men and women. The last thing we need around here is more men who play games.
I took your article: "Wait-a-Week-to-Call to my women's support group and they all just laughed! "What is he trying to do, teach men to be conniving women?" "That's what our mothers told US to do!"
Teaching men to use a "strategy" takes all of the real excitement out of dating and meeting someone of real substance. If you told a man from back East to use manipulative strategies as you recommend, he'd laugh in your face. Real men go after what they want and don't have to play passive-aggressive games. Guys who take your advice must be real losers anyway!
If I met a man I was attracted to at a party and he took my number and didnt call me for a week, I'd think he was going through his list and I happened to be the booby prize because no one else wanted him.
A real man would call the next day and at least show he was interested as soon as possible. Then he could make the date for next week or whenever. But at least he was manly enough to be Tarzan to my Jane. If he wants to be Jane, then I wouldn't want him anyway!
If you guys just want to chase the same big boobed So. Cal. beauties, then of course, stand in line for a letdown no matter when you call. If you really want a kindred spirit to love and be with, then forget the contrived strategies and step up to the plate!
We need some REAL men around here.
LeeAnn - who says: Print this if you dare!
Is that the best you can come up with? I see by the way you communicate why you wind up at the bottom of the list.
I have to thank you, LeeAnn, because you have provided us with yet another great example of why you cant find out what women want by asking them. If you and your girlfriends were able to be truly objective about your inner needs and desires, you wouldnt be trying to make a mockery of my wait a week to call strategy.
LeeAnn, imagine that you had gone to a cocktail party where you had met a successful, handsome gentleman who was a dead ringer for Pierce Brosnan. The two of you made a nice connection and he asked you for your phone number.
Then you found yourself thinking about him, hoping that he would call to ask you out. Would you blow him off when he called you seven days later? Or would you be delighted that he finally called, and be eager to see him? Would you say to him: Im sorry guy, you waited more than 24 hr. to call me and that means that you arent a real man so no thank you. Give me a break!
The truth is that youd be saying, Yes, Id love to go out with you faster than Rosie ODonnell can gobble up a cream tart. And why would you be saying yes so readily and enthusiastically? Because you had, what I call, High Interest in your James Bond look alike. Your Interest Level in him was 79% or so from the get go. But when he waited a week to call you, your Interest Level moved even higher into the low 80s.
You see, LeeAnn, in my hypothetical scenario, you already liked him a lot, but when he took his time to call you, you perceived him as an even more intriguing guy who has a full life and isnt desperately hoping to find some woman to make him happy. Someone who is a REAL -- real man.
Yes LeeAnn, youd see him as a Challenge. And whether you know it or not, thats what you respond to on an emotional level - a guy who is a Challenge. Not some needy, eager to please, politically correct nincompoop who is seeking your approval by calling you the next day.
If I had an opportunity to use my interviewing techniques on you, Im certain that Id discover that the last guy you fell in love with was, in some fundamental way, a Challenge. Hopefully it wasnt a married man who saw you only twice a month.
You and your girlfriends say that Im teaching men to be conniving women. Well, I couldnt have said it better my self. If fathers would teach their sons to be a little more conniving, then the war of the sexes might be a bit more of a fair fight instead of manslaughter.
But your mothers were wasting their time teaching you to be conniving. As a woman, its already built into you. Women have an innate understanding of men, but men dont understand women at all. Or as Jack Nicholson once said: Women, theyre smarter than us, theyre stronger than us, and they dont play fair. But when my guys use The System, theyre finally able to out-game and out-gun you gals.
And you think that my strategies are manipulative? Ill tell you LeeAnn. If any of my guys has the self-sabotaging habit of calling a potential date 24 hrs. after getting her number, then I have to break him of that habit. He needs to learn to use a success strategy rather than a failure strategy, so I give him rules and principles to follow. Call it manipulative if you like, but you do yourself and all men a great disservice by disparaging my advice.
Ill agree with you on one thing. My philosophy is passive/aggressive but only in a positive sense. I show men that there is a time to be aggressive and there is a time to be passive. A man takes aggressive action by, for instance, being sure to always ask a woman whom hes interested in for her phone number. Then hes passive when he waits a week to call her, and then hes aggressive again when he calls her for the date. But he doesnt rush in like a dog in heat.
And LeeAnn, why are you so resentful towards your skinny sisters who have large breasts, long legs, thick lips and high cheekbones? Im sure that many of them are nice people who deserve love just as much as you do. Taking a kinder and gentler attitude towards all humankind might serve you well.
Remember, guys, women are dying to chase you, they just
dont realize it.
I've been watching this beautiful girl on campus. I phoned her two weeks ago, not using my real name. I told that I was from another campus and that I happened to see her when I visited her campus. The first thing she wanted to know is how I had got her phone number, so I told that one of my friends took it off someones phone. Anyway, she wanted to know what I wanted, so I told her that I wanted to get to know her.
She asked me why would I want to get to know her. I told her that I liked what I saw on the outside and I wanted to see if the inside does the outside justice. She gave me a giggle. She then said that I shouldnt call her again. I told that if she gave me a good reason why I shouldnt call, that I wouldnt call her again.
Then she tells me that she doesnt know me. I told her I could change that. Then she tells me that wouldnt change anything. She's just not interested. Then I told her that she was jumping to conclusions. All I want is to get to know her, be her friend and see what happens from there.
Then she asks me where I was from and what I was studying. I asked her where she was from and what she was studying and it was going pretty well. I asked whether I could call her again, she tells me no. So anyway I told her that I would call her in two weeks time. She didnt say yes or no.
I phoned her tonight and we started all over again. I asked if she remembered who I was. She said no, so I refreshed her memory. She then tells me that I shouldnt call her again. She told me that she has no interest in guys because her studies were her first priority and that I should save my phone bill for that one special person.
So I told her that special person might be her. She told me it's not her. She then started cross examining me again, trying to get more information about me. Anyway she told me that she had to go and has a test on Tuesday to study for, and I shouldnt call her again.
So Doc, what do I do now?
Terry - who just wants to be loved
Did you know that youre a Feminstas fantasy come true? Guys like you give the male bashers more ammo to use to justify their all men are creeps propaganda. Plus, youre part of the reason that theres a War of the Sexes in America today.
Youd better wake up Dude. What youre doing with this girl is dangerous. And the saddest thing about your question is that you dont have a clue that youre doing anything wrong.
I teach men to be a Challenge and to be positively mysterious, but not creepily mysterious like youre being in this situation. Havent you ever seen a film where the woman is being stalked by an obsessive guy who doesnt have the self-confidence to approach her properly? Youre that guy, Terry.
A surprise call from a complete stranger is guaranteed to attack a womans comfort level, make her feel quite concerned and possibly frightened. So, you should never, ever call any woman for a date when she hasnt directly given you her phone number herself. Are you getting the drift Terry?
You said that you saw her on campus. So why didnt you just walk up to her and say something like: Hi. My intuition tells me that youre a Psychology major. Am I right? Something positive and non-threatening, like a normal guy might do. Then you might have had a shot at getting her number and actually getting her out on a date. But your courtship technique is straight out of the Troubled Losers Handbook.
But the girl youve been harassing is not without blame in this situation either. She must be some kind of Bimbo because any clinically sane gal would have cut you off immediately. Instead, she foolishly encouraged you by engaging you in further conversation. I think that shes just too stupid to realize that she was being terrorized by you. Lucky for you she doesnt have more brains or else you might have wound up having a little visit from the Sheriff.
Terry, you need to build your social skills so you feel comfortable and confident meeting women face to face. Perhaps a bit of counseling and a self esteem seminar or two would get you going in the right direction. In the meantime, stay off the telephone. If you dont, you may soon find yourself being handcuffed and taken to a confined space with a new 300 pound roommate named Bubba.
Remember, guys, never attack a womans comfort
I have the greatest girl in the world. Caprice and I have been dating for over 18 months. Shes a giver, shes flexible and shes honest as a nun. We are constantly having fun, and the conversation never dries up. Our families are close, and everyone assumes that we will get married.
But as you say in your DATING DICTIONARY, There are no clean deals. And Im hoping that you can shed some light on my situation.
The problem is that Caprice keeps talking about her old boyfriends. I know you probably think that shes rubbing them in my face, but she actually isnt. She feels that honesty means openness about everything. She inadvertently brags about what great things these guys have done, and I could care less.
Ive tried ignoring it when she starts rhapsodising about these guys. Its mainly two different ones and ignoring it doesnt seem to discourage her. And to be real honest, its starting to get on my nerves.
Id like to tell her that it bothers me and ask her to stop. But Im afraid that if I tell her that it bothers me, then shell think Im insecure and she wont see me as a Challenge. I know how important you say it is to always be a Challenge. So how should I handle this Doc?
Tom who doesnt want to hear about her old boyfriends
Women often complain that their dates or boyfriends talk too much about their former girlfriends, but many women are equally guilty of the same indiscretion. (Women also hate it when men look at other women.) A considerable number of gals seem to think that being honest means being open about everything. But honesty and openness are two different things thats why theyre spelled differently.
You can be honest without being open, and its better not to be open about your former lovers. Whether youre a man or a woman sharing with your current partner all kinds of details about your past relationships is the opposite of romantic, and its also unloving. It serves no positive purpose. And most important, its disrespectful to the other person.
Tom, although your girlfriend is naïve and is not purposely being unkind to you, she has to get it that her behavior is starting to jeopardize your relationship. So heres what I recommend:
First, use humor to give her the big hint that what shes doing aint Kosher. For instance, when she starts going on and on about what a fantastic singer her ex, Jimmy, is, you say: Oh yeah? Thats interesting. My ex, Cassandra, used to be a backup singer for Sting until she couldnt deal with his ego anymore. But you should hear her voice, she makes Christina Aguilera sound like Phyliss Diller. I think Cassandra is such a great singer because she has an amazing lung capacity. And then wink at your girlfriend like Dennis Quaid would, and walk out of the room. Let her wonder whether you were for real or not.
Try the humor strategy up to five times (each time you would use a different silly story) and then if she still doesnt see the light, you can try simply telling her that her behavior bothers you and that youd like her to stop. By doing this, you are still being a Challenge because you are saying no, setting limits, and insisting that she be respectful. You can tell her twice to cool it if you have to, but dont do it a third time because that would make you a nag.
Hopefully shell get the drift by this point. If she still continues with her unloving behavior, we would then move to the hardball, ultimatum stage. (As a general rule, I do not recommend using ultimatums. However, sometimes they are necessary when all else fails and your partner is not responding to more gentle proddings. You have to know if shell get in line BEFORE you say I do.)
So heres what you can do as a last resort: As soon as she starts in again with the anecdotes about her former lovers, look at your watch and say oops, I just remembered I have an appointment (even if its ten at night) and then leave abruptly. Dont call her for a week. If she calls you, let her talk to your answering service.
If she doesnt wake up after all that, Tom, then her head is made of concrete.
Remember, guys, if she wants to keep you, shes
cant disrespect you and get away with it.
Ive really been enjoying your column. Before I found you I had been taking the advice of several other love doctors, almost all of them female. (It seems that most of the relationship experts in the general media, are women.) And Ive got to tell you that I was given a lot of bogus information. Now that I understand your System, I realize that many of these so-called experts were totally wrong about all kinds of things. Its actually painful to see how much time Ive wasted following their advice.
In the interest of helping my brothers out there who are trying to understand women, I am including some tips from one particular female love doctor who really had me off on the wrong track. (I guess its probably better to not mention her real name - maybe we can just call her Dr. Lu Lu) Maybe you would like to publish this and then point out the misconceptions that shes selling. I think I know whats wrong with her logic but I may have missed something. Check it out:
Things a Man Should Do to Get a Second Date By Dr. Lu Lu Ph.D.
1. If you are nervous, dont try to hide it. Women adore men who are aware of their own emotions and who are not afraid to share them. A simple, I have to admit that I feel a little nervous tonight is endearing. Also, once you acknowledge your own anxiety, it tends to lessen.
2. Give her a genuine compliment, but make sure that it cannot be interpreted in a sexual way. It is risky to tell a woman on a first date that she has sexy lips. Its far better to tell her that she has a pretty face. A man who cannot keep his sexual desires under wraps on a first date may turn off many women.
3. Touch her heart. Bring her a small gift if you can think of something cute, clever or profoundly simple (e.g., a toy for her dog or a few flowers).
So, go ahead and rip into her for me will ya Doc? Thanks.
Rufus - who wants to help spread your wisdom.
Thanks, guy. Youve given us a fantastic example of some of the horribly dangerous information thats out there.
Lets take apart these tips that you sent me, one at a time.
First of all, if you are out on a date and you find yourself feeling nervous, you should certainly acknowledge it (inwardly) and you should keep your mouth shut about it. Deal with it, but dont tell your date that you feel nervous. Just that one simple confession could put the kibosh on any potential romance.
The first date is like a job interview where you must come off as cool and confident. Many of us are nervous on a first date, women included. But why bring it up? Its a negative, and by disclosing it youre putting yourself down. It may lessen your anxiety to get it off your chest but doing so will lower her Interest Level in you. You can share your emotions AFTER shes fallen in love with you.
Next, lets look at compliments. One compliment per date is OK. Thats it. And it certainly should not have any sexual connotations whatsoever. But I absolutely do not recommend telling a hot looking woman that she has a pretty face. You gain nothing by it. It does not raise her romantic Interest Level in you. Shes hears that same compliment about fifteen times a day -every day - and when you tell her that shes pretty, you automatically get added to the list of salivating suitors who have said the same thing to her over and over again. Your job is to make her think you are different.
Who ever said it is the mans responsibility to be the one who gives the compliments. Do female love doctors ever encourage women to give a man a compliment on the first date???
Lets go to the last tip about gifts. Here Dr. Lu Lu isnt pedaling any half-truths. Her advice on this subject is totally, miserably deluded. As my Uncle Jethro Love says: If youre going to bring a girl a gift on the first date, you might as well just write the word CHUMP on your forehead.
When you show up with a gift on a first date, you come off as a lonely loser who is desperately trying to make a good impression. Gifts can come after sixty days once a relationship has been established. But gifts should never be used as a ploy to raise Interest Level. Besides, any gift coming from you has no meaning to her since you are basically a stranger.
Remember, guys, beware of false love doctors.
I just read that 47,000 women answered People Magazine's readers poll on the subject of what women want in men. They reported that the most important attribute for a man to have is a sense of humor, according to 43%. 31% value sensitivity first. 19% say intelligence. 6% rank good looks first, and just 2% say money is most important.
Once the guy gets her phone number, 47% of women expect him to call within 24 hours, and 47% will wait up to three days. Only about 5% are still willing to hear from him after a week.
Im curious on your take, Doc. What do you think? Which is the truth and which is the brainwashing?
Gordon who wants to know if women are capable of communicating what they actually want.
Brainwashing, yep, you can say that again. As usual, the politically correct Feminista-dominated media have come up with a bunch of half-truths when it comes to understanding women. Why? To confuse you guys even more that you are.
Remember that trying to find out what women want by asking them is like trying to get Gary Condit to tell you how he honestly feels about marriage and commitment. Youll get an answer, but it wont have much to do with reality.
I have interviewed thousands of women and not one ever said to me:
1. I want a man whom I cant control.
2. I want a man who, when I test him, does not give in.
3. I want a man who keeps me guessing.
But you will see many women in long term-committed relationships with guys who have these traits.
OK Gordon, now lets go over this list so I can un-brainwash you and the rest of mankind.
Yes, most women do prefer a guy with a sense of humor. When a guy is able to consistently make a woman laugh, it shows her that he is confident and also fun to be with. And as we all know, girls just want to have fun. But the idea that a sense of humor is the number one attribute that women look for in a man is a bunch of malarkey.
In order for a woman to even give a hoot whether you have a sense of humor she first has to find you physically attractive. If shes not physically attracted to you, you can be more hilarious than Robin Williams on speed and you still wont have a chance for romance with her. The Reality Factor says that you have to pass (her) Physical Attraction Test first in order to get to first base.
If a sense of humor were really the trait that women found most important in men, then all the funny guys who look like Danny De Vito would be as successful with women as all the handsome hunks.
Its fascinating to observe how reluctant women are to admit how important looks are to them - as evidenced by these poll results. You dont necessarily have be the hunk from heaven, but in order to click with a particular chick, you need to have a look that she likes or you aint gonna get the love boat out of the dock no matter how hard you paddle.
The poll results revealed that 31% of women say they value sensitivity foremost. Now theres a loaded word if I ever heard one. What do they mean by sensitivity? They dont explain it, do they? What a woman usually means when she says she wants a sensitive guy, is that she wants a guy who will share all of his emotional pain, will dutifully listen to her complaints about everything and will happily take orders from her. Of course this type of guy is always getting rejected or he is kept around as a dartboard for all of her zingers. You see, Gordon, more female propaganda.
So almost half of the women who responded to the poll expect a guy to call within 24 hours? Yeah, they EXPECT a guy to call within 24 hours because 90% of men can barely wait even that long before they call. Unfortunately, thousands of guys are going to read those poll results and will feel even more justified in jumping the gun as they always do.
And according to the poll, only 5% of women are willing to hear from a guy after a week. FALSE! It would have been much more helpful and revealing if the People pollsters had asked those women a question like: Have you ever had a relationship with a guy who waited a week or longer to call you? If so, why did you date him even though he waited that long? Then we would have gotten some valuable information.
19% (1 in 5) want intellegence. Does this mean that 4 out of 5 women are looking for stupid life long partners?
And now guys, for the biggest whopper of them all. According to the poll, only 2% (1 in 50) of women are gold diggers. How does that jive with your experience? How many women have asked you, What do you do?
Remember; dont get brainwashed by the poll-takers
questions and womens answers.
Im very impressed with your relationship course.
Before I got your information, I was doing all kinds of stupid things with women. Man, I mean I didnt have a clue. And even worse, I didnt know that I didnt have a clue. Youve really opened my eyes and Ive really got to thank you big time for that.
There is one point in your program that I just cant quite get a grasp on though, at least not yet. Its really a philosophical issue. OK this is it: If the man is the aggressor, the initiator, the risk taker in the dating dance, then how is it possible for the woman to see him as a mysterious - Challenge as you say to be?
If I ask a girl for her phone number, then that tells her that Im interested. If I try to kiss her, then she really knows Im interested. At this point she is no longer wondering if Im interested or not because Ive made it clear by my actions that I am.
I understand that when I dont tell a girl how much I like her then Im being a Challenge in that way. But If Im the one whos doing all the calling, driving to pick her up, planning the date, paying for everything and making all the moves for intimacy, doesnt all that spoil any sense of mystery/Challenge that Ive tried to build? How am I able to be a Challenge when Im the one (not her) who has to put myself on the line? I think you see what Im getting at.
So what do you say to all that Doc?
Derek - who needs to understand.
Yes, its true that its the guy who has to walk up to the girl, make her laugh and ask her out. Thats the way it is. What a wonderful world it would be if all any guy had to do was show up and look good and women would consistently risk rejection to approach him and ask him out. But despite all the clamoring for equality by the Feministas over the past decades, very little has changed as far women sharing some of the risk of rejection in the dating game. Why would women volunteer to be the ones to put their egos on the line when they dont have to?
But since it is our job as men to be the aggressors, we should be aware that we have choices when were out there in the trenches. When were approaching a woman, we can come on like a hungry Pitbull, or we can come on with class and confidence.
Yes, Derek, when you as the man take the risk to ask a woman out, you ARE making it clear that you want her. Theres no mystery in that. But you dont have to let her know that you havent had a date in six months while youre asking her out. And believe me, there are plenty of guys out there who have that kind of desperate air about them when theyre approaching women.
The key to success with women is to reveal the least amount of interest possible while youre taking action to close the deal. To you Psych majors, keep your mouths shut about your feelings and insecurities.
For instance, youre the one who has to walk up to the woman and strike up a conversation. But once you do, you can wait for her to ask YOU for your name first. You can also refrain from telling her how hot she looks even if she makes Cindy Crawford seem homely.
Youre the one who has to ask her for her phone number, but theres no law that says you have to call her within 48 hours like every other horn dog would.
Youre the one who has to call her up and ask her out. But when you call you dont have to say Hello Caprice, this is Derek, we met at Sally Smiths party last week and we had a nice conversation about environmental awareness. Instead you can simply say, Hey Caprice, its Derek and then shut up and see if she has a clue as to who you are.
And youre the one who goes for that first kiss, when you hope the timing is right, but you dont have to tell her how much you like her when she reciprocates.
So Derek, the fact is that you can make all the moves necessary to meet a girl, get her out on a date and connect with her and still be a Challenge.
Remember, guys, always play it cool even though you are
dying on the inside.
Dear Doc Love:
I am a tad troubled by what Ive been reading in your column. You talk a lot about what to do to find and keep a girl, but you don't seem to address the issue of whether or not girls enjoy being abused. Unfortunately, with many girls, this is becoming all too common.
I recently ended a relationship with a girl whom I treated very nicely the entire time I was with her. I treated her to meals, I talked to her with respect, and I was caring and tried to be comforting whenever she encountered difficulty or stress. All my friends attested that I treated her wonderfully.
She told me that before she dated me, she dated a guy who abused her regularly. He regularly threatened her with a knife (by placing the flat end of the blade on her neck), he slapped her constantly, and he always belittled her. How long was she with him? Two years. How long did she date a decent guy like me? Three months. There is something wrong with that picture.
I asked her why she was with him for so long since he was abusive. She responded with "I thought then that I deserved it." With me, she never thanked me for taking her anywhere, got mad if I tried to be helpful and comforting, and towards the end, before she left, she was very abusive to me.
This raises the question: Do girls prefer to be kicked around or treated with respect? Friends of mine have had this same problem with their girlfriends. And if my friends and I have had that problem, then bet on the fact that most other men (or at least a good number) have experienced the same problem as well. Given how common this is with females, this topic should be addressed, and it is my hope that you will the address the topic in your column ASAP.
Armando who is tired of not being appreciated
What did you expect from a girl like this, a picnic in the park? A woman who has a history of being involved with abusive men (who hasnt had therapy and recovery) is simply not good relationship material. You want to avoid this type of woman at all costs because you dont want her becoming the mother of your children. As soon as any woman whom youre dating starts telling you stories about how her ex boyfriend beat her or humiliated her or threatened her or stalked her, head for the nearest exit.
If a woman is addicted to being with bad men, that means she will not be able to tolerate being with someone who treats her well. She may think that what she wants is a good man, but a good man will never (and should never try to) provide her with that constant sense of dread and drama that her sick soul thrives on.
What almost always happens in this situation is that the new guy starts earnestly trying to prove that not all men are bastards by being extra nice to her. Then she winds up dumping him because he somehow just doesnt light her fire. Sound familiar Armando?
Only if a woman from an abusive background has done some serious therapeutic work to recover from her addiction, will she be able to sustain a healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy partner. There are tens of thousands of women out there (and plenty of men, too) who have grown up with abuse and feel comfortable only in destructively dysfunctional relationships.
Even people who have had a fair amount of therapy and counseling, often unconsciously slip back into old self-destructive patterns. It takes real commitment and determination to break free from this kind of unhealthy behavior.
So Armando, do women like to be kicked around or do they like to be treated with respect? Its not a black and white issue. Some women, like your (ex) girlfriend, do like to be kicked around. Fortunately there are plenty out there that dont.
But Armando, you need to look at the role you chose for yourself in this relationship. Youre complaining about how your ex is attracted to abusive men. Well wait a minute. She was disrespectful and abusive to you and you stuck it out with her until she dumped you. You need to ask YOURSELF: Why did I stay with someone who treated me so badly? And how can I judge her so harshly for staying with an abusive partner when I did the very same thing?
Now, Armando, allow me to clear up the rest of the picture for you. We know that women who come from an abusive home will re-enact that same scenario in their relationships as an adult. But how do we explain the behavior of thousands of women who would never be with an abusive man, but find themselves drawn to guys who dont always treat them so well, guys who have little or no respect for women?
In order to explain this phenomenon, Im going to divide the pool of non-abusive men that a clinically sane woman has to choose from into three distinct categories. Many men do not necessarily fit into only one of these categories, but Im rigidly dividing them for educational purposes.
First, there is a large percentage of men who are not a Challenge at all. We call this type of guy The Nice Guy or The Wimp or the Teddy Bear Guy. This chap wears his high Interest Level on his sleeve. Hell do anything to gain a womans approval. Hes needy and clingy and is always trying to please and impress. Hes too open and too vulnerable too soon. Hes overly considerate and places the womans needs before his own. Hes often so whipped and brainwashed with political correctness that he even does things - like asking a woman for her permission to kiss her.
You get the picture. This is not the type of man who fuels womens romantic fantasies. He is not a turn on. - in fact, quite the opposite.
What turns women on and gets their juices flowing is a guy who is self- assured and self-sufficient. A guy with a strong ego who goes for what he wants without asking permission. A guy with healthy boundaries who is capable of setting limits and saying no to a woman when its appropriate. Women want a guy who is also somewhat unpredictable, mysterious and full of surprises.
The man that women dream of combines all the qualities of this confident individual, along with a capacity to love a woman deeply with an open heart (after she proves shes trustworthy). I call this second type of man The Positive Challenge. All men should aspire to be a Positive Challenge in their relationships with women.
Then there is the third type, who, beyond having a healthy ego, is self-obsessed, self absorbed and just plain selfish. Hes a user, a taker, and not a giver. He only says yes to a woman when it suits him. His heart is closed off. He doesnt keep his word. You cant count on him. You cant trust him. Hes TOO unpredictable. But many women find him alluring because he cant be controlled and hes anything but boring. Hes known as the Jerk or the Rat or the Bad Boy. I call him
The Negative Challenge.
Unfortunately, because so few men are a Positive Challenge, women who would never be with an outright abusive man are frequently forced to choose between The Wimp and Mr. Negative Challenge. And when forced to choose between those two, women will take Mr. Negative Challenge over the Wimp most often. Why? Because they perceive Mr. Negative Challenge, however problematic he may be, as STRONG and The Wimp as weak. And women place an extremely high value on strength qualities in a man.
This is why you hear so many men complaining that women dont appreciate a nice guy and that they prefer to be with jerks. Women are dawn to strength qualities in men FIRST. Sensitivity and sweetness is appealing when added as dessert, but an entire meal of cake frosting is nauseating.
Just remember that women, particularly the beautiful ones, are sick to death of the endless number of men who are constantly catering to their whims. Theyre desperately weary of always getting their way with men and are hungry for a Challenge even if he doesnt come in the ideal form.
Now lets leave The Wimp out of the equation and give a woman the choice only between Mr. Positive Challenge and Mr. Negative Challenge. In this situation, the greater the womans self esteem, the more likely she would be to go for Mr. Positive Challenge. If her self-esteem was so-so, then she might go for the guy who was somewhere in between the two.
Now that youre single again my advice to you, Armando, is to no longer go out with abusive women whove been abused. Treat yourself with love and respect by finding a woman to date who is sweet and loving. And study The System to learn how to be a Positive Challenge.
Remember, guys, all women love a Challenge.
I've been reading your column for close to 3 months now. You're the best! I've found the advice in your articles to be extremely helpful (like a road map). Ive asked my friends what they think of my situation and they're stumped. So any advice of yours would be very much appreciated.
I've been dating a "10" for about 5 weeks now. She's recently divorced (about 1 year ago) and a single mother of a 3-year old. Physically, she's a knockout, head turner, supermodel, whatever - she's absolutely stunning from head to toe. I work at a gym and over the last few months I noticed she was quite receptive when talking to me and I had caught her "looking" a number of times.
Well by the signals I was getting, I knew I passed the physical attraction test, so I asked her to go for a run (light, friendly first outing). From then on we continued to see each other outside of the gym about once per week for a total of five dates. On each date, I made it a point to focus the attention on her with questions, keep my hands to myself, and make good eye contact.
Making sure not to call more than once per week, and only for a date, when I asked her for a 3rd date she said she had plans with a girlfriend. Then I offered the night after. She said she would get back to me the next day, as her plans for that night were "tentative." Anyway, she left a message on my machine the next day and said she couldn't go out with me because her tentative plans had become firm. Drawing from your advice, I stayed cool and didn't call her back.
On the 4th day after she left the message, she called me and said she hoped that I didn't think she didn't want to go out with me again. We then made plans for a couple days later.
She seemed really into me and each date thereafter went well, at least I thought. I didn't come on heavy in any way, shape or form. Light kissing, touching, nothing big. She seemed really interested throughout all of our dates.
The problem is Im not sure if I didn't come on heavy enough. Using your principles, I bit my tongue a lot, stayed very patient, and went against my old instincts of jumping the gun. But I hope that I haven't played too hard to get.
After our last date we didn't kiss or touch because her child was with us and I thought it might be better if I didn't attempt anything. Granted I don't have any experience with dating mothers or divorcees, so I really can't tell how well a date went when she brings her child along. She brought her kid with her on the 3rd and 5th dates.
It seems that during a date with the kid along, the attention goes onto the child. So, you cannot clearly tell what is going on between just the two of us. The dinner was good, conversation was friendly, and I felt the date went fairly well. I left her that night by saying good night to her kid and her, and offering to give her a call. She said yes and smiled.
She hasn't called me (it's been 6 days since our date and she has been the one doing the majority of the calling). Also, she hasn't been in the gym (only when I'm not there and she knows my schedule.) This seems odd as she was going at least 5 times per week when we first started dating.
Feeling like maybe I wasn't showing enough interest and maybe turning her off, I left a phone message on the 5th day to see how things were going as she is getting ready to move into a new apartment this weekend.
It's now the 6th day and I haven't heard back from her. Maybe I'm being paranoid but it seems like all of a sudden things have "shut off" like she's lost interest. Any help or strategy would be greatly valued Doc!
Leroy - who is really confused
Congratulations Leroy, youve obviously made improvements in your dating skills and youve had some good insights.
As you mentioned, you really cant tell how well a date is going when a woman brings her child along. During the first 60 days of dating, its vitally important that all your dates with a woman are with just the two of you, one on one. No double dates with other couples. And we dont want any children, pets or one of her girlfriends tagging along either.
All these other people and animals have a high potential for compromising the romantic atmosphere. Plus, as youve experienced, its difficult to get an accurate reading on a womans Interest Level in you when shes having to consider other peoples needs and expectations on the date. So Leroy, to have a new understanding about this issue is a big win for you.
But Leroy youve only been using part of The System and that is why youve only been partially successful. Id have to give you a C grade in the Challenge department. But a C is just not going to cut it with a heavy like this girl. Weve got to get your performance grade up to the A level.
So lets start by clearing some things up. You mentioned that you were concerned that you might have turned this girl off by not showing enough interest in her. Leroy, youre not supposed to show interest. She already knows that youre interested in her. Why? Because you keep asking her out! If a woman kept calling you every week and picked you up at your house and paid for everything, would you wonder whether she was interested in you? When you do those things for her, she knows more than enough about your level of interest.
So the problem is not that you didnt come on heavy enough. The problem is that SHE didnt come on heavy enough! You can not raise a womans interest level by coming on strong, either verbally or physically. When and if she decides that youre the one, SHE will start getting serious. Shell come on to you. You see Leroy, in a sense, you have nothing to do with whether that happens or not. The Reality Factor says that the man does the picking but the woman does the choosing. The way you motivate her to choose you is by you being a Challenge all the time.
Now lets get down to the more sticky issues. You need to go back and study more because youve made some serious telephone blunders. First of all, when you called for your third date with her and she turned you down, you jumped right in with a counter offer instead of waiting for her to come up with a counter offer. By doing that you made yourself look too eager, like a guy who just got out of prison.
Then you really dropped the ball by allowing her to get back to you. Plus you accepted a maybe date. Thats very weak. By doing that, you let her know that youre on call for her. You let her know that she has no competition. Youve got to learn to become more mysterious and less available Leroy. In love, you do not get what you deserve but what you negotiate.
Now lets deal with the situation as it is. Since it seems as if your girl has backed off, its time for you to back off more. Dont worry about whether she calls you or not. Dont worry about whether you see her at the gym or not. These are non-issues.
Wait another week and then get her on the phone in person (do not leave any more messages.) Then ask her out for another date on a weeknight, without the kid. If she enthusiastically accepts the date, take her out and be more of a Challenge. Keep studying The System to gain more insight into how to be a Challenge while youre in the trenches. And keep in mind, that if the relationship is going to move forward, only the woman makes it happen.
Remember, guys, you gotta keep em
Im addicted to watching the show Blind Date. Here in Los Angeles it plays twice a day, once at six and then again at eleven. Each show is different and it is absolutely fascinating to watch, even more so now that I have an understanding of The System.
One of the things that has really struck me since Ive gotten hip to your philosophy is seeing how many different guys bring up the subject of sex or make sexual innuendoes on the date. I would say that eight out of ten guys do it. And, just about every single time they do, you can see the girl, their date, either cringe or back away or look disappointed or annoyed or even get insulted, depending on the way that the guy brings up the subject.
I know that you say to never talk about sex at all during the first sixty days of dating. When I heard that, I knew you were right but after watching many, many episodes of Blind Date I really see how it backfires every time. I have never seen it work to the guys advantage in any way. Its a stupid thing to do isnt it?
So why do us guys talk about sex on a first date so frequently? And why do we continue to do it throughout the date even when its blatantly obvious that the woman is getting turned off? How have we all become so programmed to think that we have to be Mr. Sexy and that women like that when they obviously dont?
Please, Doc, share your insights.
Donovan - who just wants to know why
Im glad that your awareness level has gone up. Youve done what most guys are unable to do. Youve set your ego aside. When youre able to do that, you can see things as they really are, not how you think they should be. Way too many guys think that talking about sex, nudity and private bodily functions on a first date, is a positive, helpful thing to do. But, as we observe peoples behavior from an objective perspective, the brutal truth is revealed: talking about sex on a first date is destructive.
Ill tell you Donovan; Ive watched numerous episodes of Blind Date myself. Its quite entertaining and educational too. Im able to determine, as soon as the door opens, whether the guy has a chance or not, because I can read the subtleties of body language. I can predict the outcome of the date way before he torpedoes the whole deal by making an erotic innuendo in the first minute and a half.
So I definitely encourage you to continue watching the show. You can learn a great deal from it. Keep fine tuning your body language reading skills, and see how early into the segment you can call it as to whether or not the guy is going to get a really nice kiss at the end of the date. (The host almost always comments on the type of kiss the guy got from the girl, or the absence of a kiss.)
And, yes indeed, it is absolutely mind boggling to see how many guys, time after time after time, sabotage any chance they have with the woman by talkin' trash.
Here are some actual examples of the types of things guys say, from episodes of Blind Date that were broadcast. They range from subtly uncool to quite crass to downright disgusting:
Wheres the strangest place youve ever made love?
Have you ever considered working as a stripper?
"I can see that you sure do take good care of your body.
Have you ever run naked on the beach?
So how many different guys have you been with?
My oh my you do have a fine booty.
Youre a teacher? Hmmm - I guess every college freshmans fantasy is to have sex with his beautiful teacher.
So did you hear the one about the frog who couldnt stop farting?
Yes, Donovan, the average guy seems to have the idea that if he makes juvenile comments about his dates body, that she will think that he is clever and confident. He thinks that she will experience him as being extra masculine and gutsy if he tells a tasteless joke. But Mr. Macho Boy is an idiot. His behavior is having the opposite effect of what he imagines, plus, he fails to read her negative signals, facial expressions and body language.
How has the American male become brainwashed into thinking that this kind of behavior is productive? I lay much of the blame on Hollywood and the Music Industry. In fictional fantasy La La Land, the Hero gets away with all kinds of things that would never play in real life. In Rap videos, the music star bumps and grinds and talks trash, while hordes of gorgeous women do nothing but worship him. It doesnt take much exposure to this kind of craziness to warp your values.
Hollywood brainwashing, along with a lack of positive mentors and role models for boys, no fathers in the home and an overall lack of education about manners, are the other contributing factors. Donovan, tell all your buddies that they do not gain anything by talking about sex on a date. When they do, they do not become more interesting or charming or sexy.
If a girl has super high Interest Level in a guy, then shell overlook these kinds of comments, but, THEY STILLL DO NOTHING to RAISE HER INTEREST LEVEL IN HIM! On the average first date, the guy starts out with the girl having about 60 to 70 percent Interest Level in him at best, so he cannot afford to go down that risqué road.
Talk of sex or nudity or intimate bodily functions is high-risk activity. About 95% of the time, nice girls, even ones who read Cosmo, dont want to talk about something so personal and intimate with someone they dont know.
And think about this. How would you like if some guy went out with your little sister and stated talking about getting laid on the first date? Youd want to punch his lights out wouldnt you?
So, never bring up the subjects of race, religion, politics or sex on a date, because we dont want you to get into an argument, and win, and then lower the womans Interest Leve.
Remember guys, you never want to tell her whats
really on your mind.
Whats up Doc?
For the last three months Ive been trying what you recommend. Ive been asking every single attractive woman that I meet (that I have any interest in) for her phone number. Whats interesting is that Ive run into a lot of girls who wont give me their number but they ask me for mine.
The problem is that not one of the girls who has asked for MY number (and theres been about fifteen since April) have ever called me, not one. I dont get it. I mean I can understand why a girl might not want to give her number out to a guy she barely knows at all. But if theyre never going to call, then why do they even ask for my number in the first place? I know that one of womens biggest complaints is that guys ask for their number and then never call. Well Im here to tell you that women do the same thing!
So whats the deal Doc? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something I should be saying when I give them my number that would make them actually follow through and dial my digits? What do you think?
Lloyd who just doesnt get it
As they say in Australia good on ya for having the guts to close so many cuties for their phone number. All of you guys have to get how vitally important it is to become totally comfortable saying the 5 magic words: Whats your home phone number? Why? Because it is the first time you check her Interest Level.
Now, Lloyd, allow me to clear up your confusion. Below is a breakdown of the six types of women you will encounter when youre out in the field, closing for their home phone numbers. Youve probably run into most of them in your new adventures. But now you are going to have a full understanding of their behavior.
1) Women who give you their number despite the fact that they have no interest in you whatsoever and hope that you never will call. They give you the number to placate you and to get rid of you. Why do they do this? Because they cant say the N word (No) to your face. They want to look good. They still want your approval. They dont want you to think that they are unkind.
Theyve been taught that the male ego is fragile and that they have to always make nice. So theyd rather give you the number and then have you leave 27 messages and turn you down passively, by screening their calls and never returning yours. The Reality Factor says that the answering machine because it screens out the flies - is their favorite weapon.
2) Women who get sadistic pleasure out of giving men false hope. They give their number out to every guy who asks for it. Then they have wine and cheese parties for their girlfriends where they all sit around and laugh themselves silly as they play back the messages of the various chumps of the week. These poor guys naively believed in their heart that their potential date was sincere when she exuberantly said: Call me!
3) Women who will give you their number and will go out with you but still have no interest in you (Professional Daters). Theyll run your Visa bill up sky high even though you dont have a snowballs chance in hell of every having a relationship with them.
4) Women who wont give you their number but still like to waste your time and manipulate you with various excuses, explanations and confusing maneuvers, i.e.: I dont give out my number to guys I dont know, but give me yours and Ill call you. Women in this group are also incapable of saying no to your face.
5) Women who wont give you their number but are honest and say: Thanks for asking but Im not interested, so I wont waste your time by giving you my number. A rare breed. There are only about 6 or 7 women on the entire face of the planet who would be this forthright.
6) Women who give you their number because they are interested in you and they want to go out with you. For some strange reason, they give it to you along with positive body language and without hesitation.
Lloyd, to answer your question specifically, the only thing youre doing wrong is believing these women when they tell you that theyll call you. You want to be spending time and energy only on women who have high interest in you, and a woman with high interest in you will not ask you for your number without giving you hers.
So the next time a girl says, Give me your number and Ill call you, heres what to do. First, realize that youve already been disqualified. Youre going down in flames, even though shes trying to make it look as if youre not. But since you are, relax and have fun with it. Look her in the eye and say: Do guys still fall for that line? Or, You know, I dont feel comfortable giving my number out to someone I dont know either. Then give her a big smile, say Nice talking to you, and walk away.
Remember, guys, always ask for the HOME phone number.
Dear Doc Love,
Im kind of frustrated with my marriage situation. (My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years now.) It seems like we used to be very happy and loving and affectionate but not so much these days. I dont even know if I can give you an explanation as to why things have changed. Maybe its just what happens with time. I know that a lot of guys at work have the same complaint.
I still feel very loving towards my wife, but she seems to have lost a lot of her motivation to be romantic with me. Shes also become very critical of me, which she never used to be. The other day we were shopping together and she started arguing with me in front of a bunch of other people about how I should go on a diet. I was really embarrassed and ticked off too.
There still are times when we get in a groove and things are more like they were in the good old days. But it doesnt seem to last long. It doesnt take long for her to go right back to letting me know that Ive done something wrong. And telling her that I dont like the way she acts doesnt seem to have any impact. Then what happens is we hardly talk to each other for days at a time. I guess we both have a lot of resentment.
I dont know if Im being self-centered or not, but it seems like shes the one whos changed, not me. But I cant figure out why shes changed. Is it because of something that Ive been doing wrong or is this just the normal thing to expect after youve been married awhile? Could you please tell me if there is anything I can do to turn things around?
William - who longs for the good old days
As the actress Jacqueline Bisset once said: Marriage is great for children, but its hell on romance. In even the best of marriages, maintaining mutual respect and affection over the long haul takes real determination. Kudos to you William, for asking for advice as you find yourself in a not-so-great situation. Millions of guys just tough it out in unhappy relationships, year after year, without seeking any kind of help.
Now William, if your wifes romantic Interest Level in you is still 51% or higher, then, with time, we can turn things around. If her Interest Level is 49% or lower, then it wont matter what we do, were past the point of no return. The best thing you can do right now is to follow my recommendations and see what happens.
Our two basic goals here are to: 1) stop her nagging and regain her respect for you and 2) get her to start chasing you for affection and intimacy.
Nagging is the most under-reported crime in America. If the Catholics had used nagging instead of the rack during the Inquisition, wed all be Catholics today. Every guy in a relationship with a female, even a rich and powerful movie star like, say, Brad Pitt has to deal with some amount of pushing, prodding, testing and criticism from his wife. Even Jennifer Aniston is not always all sweetness and light. Women like to push, to check if theres anything solid there to push up against.
The best way to stop a nagger in her tracks is not to react. Remember that, as the man in the relationship, you can never win an argument with your woman - any woman. Why? Because they cheat. Even when you think that youve won, you really have lost. So just dont even get into it with her. Dont respond. Dont allow her to get into a confrontation or start a debate with you. The man who passes the test is the man who refuses to be tested.
When your wife starts her whining number, just smile and nod and then walk away. Walk out of the room. Get out of her space. As she begins to understand that shes not going to be able to intimidate you, that her nagging has no impact on you, there will be no motivation for her to continue. Shes only been doing this because youve been rewarding her by getting upset.
Now a happy wife who has high Interest Level in you is not going to be giving you constant zingers and criticism. Rather, shes going to be consistently sweet and affectionate. So a husband has to make sure that his wifes romantic Interest Level stays high. How did things deteriorate to the point where your wife would rather nag you than make love with you? Well, the fundamental thing you did wrong is that you stopped being a Challenge. You gave away your power.
Even in marriage, a man must continue to maintain a sense of Challenge in the relationship. That means that he should still be unpredictable, full of surprises, slightly mysterious, and not always available in every way every day. He must set limits and say no when appropriate. And he cant always just go along with his wifes agenda to get her approval. Additionally, he should let his wife initiate all touching much of the time. And, he shouldnt tell her about all his personal fears and insecurities.
Even leaking out little bits of information at a time, about ones personal doubts and frustrations, starts to take its toll. Too many men turn their wives into their therapists or Mamas. Once they do that, theyre asking for advice, and advice begins to switch over to criticism before you know it. The hero on the white charger doesnt need a psychotherapist.
Making your wife your shrink, is a sure-fire route to having her level of respect for you plummet. Even after 30 years of marriage, your wife shouldnt know everything about you. Oprah and Sally are telling men that they have to share everything with their spouses, but theres no law that says that you have to do what they say. One of the most destructive myths perpetrated in our popular culture is that the only way to really truly bond with your relationship partner is to share your deepest pain with them. NOT! Whenever possible, keep it light. Keep it positive.
Since things with you and your wife have deteriorated so badly, Im going to recommend, that at this point, you become a SUPER Challenge. Dont initiate ANY touching with her at all. Dont come on to her physically or verbally in any way.
Even if youre dying for sex and affection, wait. When she feels you backing off, shell slowly start coming to you. Once she does, dont automatically respond. Let her work for it. And when she begins to respond, dont just go back to your old pattern of being the supplicant. Keep working Challenge. Study The System to gain a deeper understanding of how to be a Challenge in the context of day -to - day life in a relationship. Let her chase you. Its for the highest good of all concerned.
While youre being a total Challenge, its also important make sure to be respectful, lighthearted and humorous. Those are things that you should always be doing. In addition, be sure to withhold all physical affection and compliments or gifts until she starts initiating the affection herself, on a consistent basis, AND until she also stops the nagging the most unloving act.
Assuming, William, that your wifes Interest Level is above 51%, you should be able to turn things around within 60 days. Once you do, then you can initiate the romantic behaviors, which should always be present along with Challenge in a long-term relationship. Those behaviors include things like making a date with your wife. Tell her to dress up, and take her somewhere exciting that shes never been before, maybe dancing at the nicest hotel in town on Big Band night. But dont tell her where youre going ahead of time. Just take her there. (See how were integrating Challenge with romance?)
Be thoughtful and considerate. Always treat her as someone very special. Open the car door for her and pull out her chair at the restaurant, even if youve been married for 20 years.
Surprise her with a flower or a card or take her on an impromptu walk in the moonlight. Never fall into the pattern of taking her for granted. Keep things fresh by not putting pressure on your partner to do everything together.
William, this is where you are hopefully headed in your marriage. Back to the place where you can enjoy being romantic. In order to get there, carefully follow my instructions above.
Remember guys, in all successful long-term relationships,
the man is consistently a Challenge.
Dear Doc Love,
Hi, my name is Branden, Im 28 and I manage a health food store near San Francisco. Ive just started dating a girl I really like, Esmeralda. Shes 24. Very pretty. Weve had three fun dates so far. But, Im kind of worried. My problem is that women keep flaking out on me by the fifth or sixth date and I do not know why. Im almost embarrassed to tell you that this has happened to me several times. But I would do anything to not lose this girl. Shes really special.
Im a good-looking guy, and attractive women are definitely attracted to me. They seem to like me a lot at first and then things usually just go downhill from there. I can sort of feel that the same thing might be starting to happen again with Esmeralda. God, I dont want to blow it this time!
One of the guys who works with me told me that I should start reading your weekly column and that it would help me a lot. So I am, but in the meantime, I thought Id go straight to the source and just get some advice from you directly.
Doc, what do you think I could be doing wrong? Im always real positive. Like on our last date, I held Esmeraldas hand and told her how beautiful I thought she was and how attracted to her I am. She seemed to like that, but Im not sure because she also seemed a little distracted at the end of the date. (A female friend of mine recommended that I say those things see how confused I am)?
So, any advice you can give me would be super appreciated.
Branden who doesnt want to go down in flames again
If you keep losing these girls, then you are indeed doing something wrong, probably several things wrong. But take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your confusion. Most guys simply never receive any accurate info on how to relate to women from a place of power and mastery. Their models for manhood come from a mishmash of sports heroes, rock or rap musicians and movie stars, most of whom are living in a fantasy world and have a twisted sense of values.
Finding a model of manhood whos not an idiotic egomaniac, a macho moron or a screw-up is a challenging task. And very, very few teenage boys have the good fortune to have fathers or big brothers in their lives that really understand women and know how to coach kids properly.
Consequently, most guys find themselves adrift in the dating world, shooting from the hip and flying by the seat of their pants, using the trial and error method. (Always on trial and frequently NOT learning from their errors.)
Branden, you need basic training, training that youve never been given. Youve gotta get street-smart, dude. But thats not going to happen if you keep taking advice from women. Women can tell you what they think they want from a man, but they are essentially incapable of telling you what they will actually respond to emotionally!
So allow me to be your mentor, and provide you with three simple but powerful principles that will transform your love life. Here they are.
During the first sixty days of dating:
Branden, if you begin practicing just these three
principles from The System, your love life will
improve immensely and you wont have to go down in
flames ever again. Remember, guys, start with the
Dear Doc Love,
Ive just finished reading a sampling of your articles and Ive noticed a common theme thats bothering me. You keep saying; Dont come on heavy. And I guess that means that you shouldnt tell a girl how beautiful you think she is or that you have loving feelings for her or that you want to spend more time with her. Well I dont get it. Isnt it the mans job to be the pursuer? Ive always found that the strongest way to win a woman over, to court her, is to make her feel adored.
Compliment her a lot. Shower her with gifts. Write her love poems. Treat her like a queen. Let her know that youre crazy about her. Although Im a very handsome guy, Ive always put this kind of effort into romantically seducing women, and it works!
I think that a woman needs to know that youre serious about her before she can fall in love with you. You seem to be saying that if you just keep her laughing, and hardly tell her anything about yourself or how you feel, then shell somehow magically start wanting you. I dont buy it. Your System is just too passive. A guy has to take charge and go for what he wants. Women dont want a guy who just keeps the conversation on a surface level. Women like it when youre passionate and romantic.
Every serious relationship that Ive had in my life has started by me taking action and being pro-active. The way I wooed my last girlfriend was to sweep her off her feet. Thats what women want. Youve got to come on strong or youll lose out to some other guy who has the nuts to be brave and lay it on the line.
Quentin who thinks that your approach is weak
Thanks for the compliment.
You mentioned your last girlfriend. Where is she now? What happened? Since women do the dumping ninety- percent of the time, Id say that theres a very high probability that you were the one who got burned. Quentin, ask yourself: Has my style of courtship led me to a long term relationship with an amazingly wonderful woman who has a great attitude? For you Psych majors this means that men make the same mistakes from relationship to relationship, unless they do all the dumping.
And Quentin, it doesnt surprise me at all to hear that women find you attractive. Generally speaking, the only guys who can (initially) get away with coming on like gangbusters out of the chute, are the ones who are devastatingly handsome. At first, the woman is delighted that such a catch is demonstrating unusually high interest in her. (A guy whos a skinny beanpole and is so-so looking wouldnt get anywhere with the same approach.)
But as the weeks go by, the womans interest level begins to sink. She may stick it out for a couple of months because she thinks that she SHOULD be with this guy. Hes everything shes always wanted (at least on paper). Hes a hunk AND hes romantic and sensitive and expressive. But deep inside shes saying to herself, Gee Im confused, my Interest Level should be higher. The truth is that her Interest Level is sinking like a damaged submarine. Why? Because the game is over. Mr. Romance didnt give her anything to work for. How interested would you be in playing a poker game in which the players all had to show their hands up front? No intrigue. No mystery. No fun.
Also Quentin, if you have to ask a girl to spend more time with you, then that means that her Interest Level is lower than yours and that the relationship is not going to last. You probably dont see it when thats the case, PLUS she doesnt tell you that thats whats going on. But, The Reality Factor says that IS whats happening. Youve got to start becoming more objective Quentin.
Yes Quentin, your style of courtship is ultimately dooming you to disaster because showering women with gifts works only with mercenaries. Too many compliments and love poems work only with girls with low self-esteem. Treating her like a queen works only with women who want to dominate men. (Man, would I like to do a personality evaluation of all of your former girlfriends!)
Yes, its true; The System is passive. One of the basic principles of The System is that the woman does the choosing. The man needs to learn when hes being chosen. In the relationships that go the distance, youll find that the woman was checking the man out first, and it was the woman who fell in love first- at least in her mind.
Its really the woman who starts the relationship, and its the woman who, one way or another, ends the relationship. So Quentin, when you say that you like to be pro-active, I can tell that you think that youre doing the choosing. Youre not. Men do the picking, but women do the choosing.
The way that you CAN be pro-active is to make sure that your woman gets what she needs from you in order to fall in love and stay in love, which is; a sense of Challenge. Challenge is magical. Challenge is romantic. Challenge is the most powerful aphrodisiac on the planet.
And yes, the man should be the pursuer, but he should not grovel on his hands and knees - not coming on like a car salesman who hasnt made his quota for the month. Your job as the pursuer is to simply have class and manners. Be a gentleman and make sure that she has more fun than a barrel of monkeys every time shes with you. The biggest complaint I hear from women over and over and over again is that guys get too serious too fast. They arent lighthearted and playful enough. For you Psych majors, this means the man must take measured steps when he approaches a possible romantic relationship.
Quentin, your tricks may work in the short term, but I coach men for the long haul. So consider trying to keep it light AND being a Challenge for the next thirty days. Then observe what happens. If you can set your ego aside and give my method an honest try, I know that youll begin to experience the power of these principles in a big way.
Remember guys, as the old show biz adage says: Leave
em wantin more.
Dearest Doc Love,
I have been reading your articles and I am sorry to say that I find your replies contradictory, to say the least. As far as I can tell, you seem to think that the ideal woman is one who kisses a guy the moment she finds him attractive and then falls into bed with him instantaneously - girl who is obviously a bit of a slut (in your eyes).
And you also say that a girl who doesnt respond in this way isn't worth it because she is obviously not interested. Ever crossed your mind that she might be a bit shy? Maybe even a little hurt by the last 'great guy' who trapped her into a relationship using a 'strategy' (oh, and the tossed her aside because she didn't quite fit into the rules)? Or perhaps she hasn't been dating for a while, so she might be unsure of how to go about these things.
I firmly believe in women taking control of their relationships, and I always offer to pay half the check on the first date. When I offer to pay the whole check, that makes a guy realize that there is no chance whatsoever. So what if Mr. Guy doesn't feel like the great hunter/protector when I pay my half. I'm not selling out anything for a crummy mid-evening dinner at a mediocre restaurant. If I want to kiss the guy I will. I am not being paid to do it. Your comment on how 'unromantic' it seems for a woman to pay half of the check is way off. How romantic, exactly, do you expect things to be on a first date?
First dates are not when the 'fun' begins. First dates are about two tigers circling each other trying to work things out, one of the most nerve-wracking things you can do in your life! I actually think that The System that you teach is just encouraging exploitive ideas on how to treat the 'fairer' sex. I also think that people will find that your advice and these 'ideals' are rather antiquated.
Yours in anticipation, Christy who thinks you, are full of it
If you went on a first date for dinner, with a guy you were nuts about, youd be delighted to have the 99-cent special with him at Taco Bell. The quality of the restaurant would be a non-issue. Youd be jazzed to just be spending time with him. Youd find it cute and charming to be dining on inexpensive Mexican food. And I guarantee that you wouldnt be insisting on paying your fair share. Why not? Because you liked the guy! If all women on earth stopped going out with guys that they have no or so-so interest in, and instead only accepted dates with guys whom they really liked, half the restaurants in America would fold.
And Christy, you say that if youre not interested in a fellow, then you pay for the entire dinner check. I do not believe you. I think you are fibbing. No woman in modern history has ever paid for the entire dinner bill on a first date ever!
Now lets get something else straight. Any time a woman says that shes shy or that shes been hurt in the past as a reason for why she doesnt want to kiss a guy, 98% of the time shes running a con job, just like youre trying to do Christy. Its a bunch of hooey. When she says, Im shy, its Womanese for: I have no romantic interest in you!
The other 2% of women who use the Im shy - Ive been hurt in the past excuse, are incapable of giving a gentleman a nice kiss at the end of a first date because they are wounded and mistrustful. So when a guy goes for the kiss, hes weeding out the ones who are uninterested AND also the ones who are emotionally unavailable. In this way, The System acts like a filter to protect a good mans heart.
And whats all this about my saying that certain women are sluts. I have never used that word. I challenge you to show me one sentence in any of my columns in which I even mentioned that a woman should go to bed with a guy before marriage. Christy, all Ive been talking about is kissing. In fact, Im the only love doctor who never talks about sex.
You also say that men trap women into relationships. Men dont know how to trap. Its women who have been trained in the art of trapping since they were adolescents. And The System has nothing to do with trapping anyone. Im teaching men how to court a woman properly, for the highest good of all concerned.
A first date is like two tigers circling? Well, a guy and a gal who shouldnt be going out with each other to begin with would probably feel like adversaries on a first date. But I think that a LAMB and a tiger would be a more apt description, and the woman wouldnt be the lamb. There are just too many guys out there who get in over their heads, and they dont even know it.
And what do you mean a first date isnt meant to be fun? The fun had better begin on the first date. If it doesnt, why would a girl want go on a second date with a guy?
Christy, you believe in taking control in your relationships? What ever happened to the idea of sharing and caring, working things out, and balanced communication? Besides all of this, you think that my advice is outdated? Have manners, class, keep your hands to yourself and be a good listener. If you think that those principles are antiquated, well, call me a dinosaur.
Remember guys, dont listen to what women say,
instead, listen to me.
I had been in a "let's be friends" relationship with a divorced woman with two boys. She was also 9 years older than I was but had the body and looks of a female my age (28). Anyway, I made it known from the beginning of the relationship that I was attracted to her and she made it known that she was not attracted to me "in that way." So, like an idiot, untrained in The System, I told her I would become her friend and would try to hold back my attraction for her so that our friendship would grow into a wonderful platonic relationship. (Deep down, though, I was hoping it would really grow into a full-blown romance.)
Of course this type of thinking ended up messing with my mind for the next 10 months. I ended up doing all sort of "friend" activities with her like walking on the beach with her kids, teaching her tennis lessons, helping her around her house, and setting up a running schedule with her. Of course, this was all on her terms and her time schedule. I tried to date other women but ended up talking to them about my "friend" and I couldn't help but compare all women I was attracted to with my "friend." Of course, my "friend" would always win the comparison game so I would fall right back into my enslavement by her. I had even tried to ask her out on a romantic date at least five times but she always seemed to have something else to do.
Recently, she started talking about some other guy and how she was always interested in him from the time she first laid eyes on him. (This guy is one of her best friend's ex-boyfriends) Of course I was quite devastated to hear this, but in the name of "friendship" I decided to play along with her and be supportive. Then, all of a sudden, she would "forget" to return my calls because she was going out with this guy and she also started talking about going running with this guy instead of me (he happens to be a personal trainer). Frantically, I tried to search for some solution to this potentially devastating heartache and started reading those corny self-help books in the bookstore.
But, the fates smiled upon me and I came across an article you wrote about being friends first and I was so impressed with the accuracy and relevancy of everything you talked about, that I ended up reading all of your articles that I could find. Thats how I got the courage to end the "friendship" quickly and decisively before she ended it for me. I must have taken her by surprise because she invited me over to her house (again) to walk with her and her kids on the beach (one of her kids ALWAYS accompanied us on any type of activity). So when we got back to her house and the kids went to sleep, I told her that this "friendship" is ending tonight unless she could think of a solution for how I can remain a friend and lose my attraction to her. I even reminded her that I was attracted to her from the very beginning, and she said: "I thought you would grow out of it."
After that I said, "Have a nice life!" and walked out without even looking back. I went home, destroyed any memorabilia of her, blocked her e-mail account, erased her phone numbers off my cell phone, phone, and caller ID, and told any of my friends who knew her to not mentioned her name around me I felt quite nauseated for the next two days, but I also felt a sense of relief and freedom because I know I did the right thing and conformed with Reality. Now I'm ready to move on and not make the same mistake again. And this time, I am armed with The System.
I just have one question from all this: Is it even possible for a guy to decrease interest level in a female while at the same time trying to grow a friendship with her?0
Thanks Doc! Chance - whos grateful for your wisdom
Congratulations. As it says in the Bible the truth shall set you free. Chance youve seen the light and now theres no going back to confusion and rejection. To you Psych majors, the word friend is Womanese for: I have no romantic interest in you.
I cant tell you how many guys wrote in after the publication of my article When She Wants To Be Friends First, to share that they have had experiences similar to yours. Many a guy has foolishly wasted his time and money on someone who couldnt care less about him, just because he looked at only his own Interest Level and never looked at the womans level of interest. Its like building a skyscraper on sacred burial grounds. Therere gonna be problems.
When you get emotionally involved with a woman who LJBFs you (Lets just be friends), youre signing up for nothing but heartache. The Reality Factor says that it takes two people with MUTUAL high interest in each other to make a romantic relationship. To you Psych majors, it takes two to tango.
To her credit, Chance, she did tell you up front that you didnt have a chance. As the title of my weekly column says, Women Dont Lie Men Dont Listen. Either subtly or blatantly, directly or indirectly, women always let you know what their Interest Level in you is. You just have to learn to watch and listen, properly. Only The System teaches you how to interpret a womans signals accurately. In your case Chance, she was blatantly clear. You heard her, but you didnt listen to her.
Now, an ethical person might ask; wasnt it her moral responsibility as a human being not to continue to take advantage of you? The average guy would feel extremely guilty and uncomfortable having a girl come over every weekend to wash his car and cook him dinner, all the while knowing that she had high romantic Interest Level in him and that he had no romantic feelings for her.
Chance, youve woken up. Now you see that you were playing the part of Stooge. The Stooge says to himself: If I treat her really well, shell begin to appreciate what a great guy I am, and shell start to feel the same kind of romantic feelings for me, that I feel for her. Meanwhile he becomes her butler, baby sitter and shoulder to cry on.
Its also fascinating to observe how so many women will enable men in dis-empowering themselves in this way. The women in this situation will almost never say; Dude, dont you have any self respect? They enjoy getting all the perks that go along with having a boyfriend, without having to commit to being in a real relationship.
Men, please understand this: when you try to be the nice guy in the name of friendship, you will only lose. Way too many of you guys convince yourselves that you are somehow being noble and gentlemanly by taking the Stooge path. Well, theres nothing noble or gentlemanly about selling yourself down the river.
In fact, in order to stay on this type of doomed course of action, you have to be very dishonest. I mean, dishonest with yourself. And when you emerge from your denial, you see that youve been angry and hurt and resentful for being taken as a chump. Ayn Rand would call it: sanction of the victim.
So Chance, you had one question; Is it even possible for a guy to decrease interest level in a female while at the same time trying to grow a friendship with her? Answer: Dont even go there.
By the way, Chance, when you broke all ties to her; you did the right thing. Now youre ready to move on and find a woman who wants to spend time with you because she has a high level of romantic interest in you.
Remember guys, youre there to be the boyfriend, not
Dear Doc Love,
The other night my buddy took me to this New Age event at a hotel ballroom in Santa Monica. It was called An Evening With the Angels. The place was packed; there were about four hundred people there. But the interesting thing was that there were only about ten guys there, if that many. It was ninety eight percent women. Of course there were lots of older, not so attractive women there, but there were also many, many attractive young women there too. I was actually blown away at the abundance of babes at this place.
So my friend and I found a seat, and soon, the leader of the event, Dr. Dina, appeared. She started wandering through the audience, doing psychic Angel readings for various people. She would tell them things about their past and their future and about how their loved ones who had passed away were with the angels or had become angels. It was pretty far out stuff. I dont know if I believe any of it, but she was an interesting speaker, entertaining and funny.
After about an hour and a half, Dr. Dina announced a break. In the back of the ballroom were several tables piled with all of her books and tapes for sale. So all the women got up and swarmed around this makeshift bookstore. The point Im getting too, was that it was so unbelievably easy to talk to these women who were mingling around checking out the books and tapes. They were all chatty and friendly and open. Many of them actually seemed quite pleased and impressed that any men were there at all. Two different good-looking girls actually came up to me and asked me how I liked the presentation!
Now, I know, that The System says how important it is to get a girls home phone number if youre interested. But I felt very uncomfortable about asking either of these girls for their number, even though one of them was touching me a lot. I just felt like I would be seen as horny guy who was just trying to scam on chicks while every body was there to be angelic. It would have been so easy to hook up with those girls in that situation, like shooting fish in a barrel, but It also just seemed like it somehow wouldnt be right to take advantage.
So what do you think Doc? Did I wimp out or did I do the right thing? And what do you think about these New Age events in general as places to meet women?
Conrad whos no angel
Congratulations Conrad, youve stumbled upon one of the greatest pick-up secrets of the millennium. Almost all of those holistic, New Age hippy happenings are jam packed with kitty kats. Why go to a club or a bar where the male/female ratio is usually about 65/35, when you can be in an environment where the women way outnumber the men. In the love jungle its really a numbers game, and anytime or anyway you can put the numbers more in your favor, I say, go for it!
The other great thing about New Age/spiritual events is that peace and love and friendly good vibes are flowing there. And theres usually an atmosphere of sharing and mutual support that prevails. Its a much friendlier environment than the highly competitive dog eat dog atmosphere of so many nightclubs. And you will often find that many of the women in attendance are just pleased as punch that a few guys have shown up. Isnt that refreshing? To you Psych majors youll stand out.
Conrad, you were at the right place at the right time with closing on your mind. (For those of you, who dont know, closing is a sales term for asking for what you want, the order -- in this case, the home phone number.) Your only problem is that you were sabotaging yourself by seeking approval and caring too much about the opinion of other people. Whats the worst thing that could happen? Maybe one girl with low Interest Level might blow you off and think you were being inappropriate for being interested in dating while youre at a spiritual event. So what! Who cares what women with low Interest Level think?
Never be embarrassed about asking a girl for her home phone number. Never apologize for asking a girl for her home phone number. Never! Instead, use the ABC method: Always Be Closing. Any woman with a good attitude wouldnt fault you for asking for her phone number (except maybe if you met her at a funeral). And in fact, even if she were happily married, shed still take your request, as a compliment.
Just keep in mind that, not all, but some of these babes are going to be over the rainbow in woo woo land. So youll have to weed out the loonies. But youd be surprised how many attractive, intelligent and classy women are to be found in Deepak Chopra seminars, psychic faires and astrology classes.
Now, Conrad, in a situation like the one youve described, if youre concerned about appearing like a scammer, its best not to wander around during the break, searching for someone, like youre lost. Instead, plant yourself in one spot, preferably next to a pile of books on finding your soulmate. As various women whom you find appealing cruise by, say something to them like: So, do you believe in soulmates? If they have any interest, theyll keep the ball rolling. Then just us those five magic words: Whats your home phone number? to seal the deal.
Also, when youre at your next Angelic happening, make sure to participate and ask a question or make a clever comment if you have the opportunity. Youll be more visible and youll get more attention and interest coming your way, especially if you say something deep and meaningful. As every aspiring actress knows: If you want to sell yourself, youve got to get exposure.
Remember, guys, whatever it takes!
You have provided some tremendous information on the dating world. I can certainly attest to that. Learning how to interpret the signals that women send out (things that I just never noticed before) has made a dramatic difference in my love life. However, I think there is one gray area that you have yet to touch on. The transformation from dating to boyfriend to exclusive. Each stage has its relative attributes that sometimes don't apply to the others.
For example, when initially dating, you must maintain that mystique, that aura, that distance to make HER desire you. However, I think that this behavior becomes counter-productive around say, the two or at least three-month point. This is around the time where she should be feeling secure enough (assuming you'd like her to) to have that warm fuzzy girlfriend/boyfriend thing going on. But because youre continuing to be a Challenge, she still doesn't have that feeling. Shes not sure if she can trust you and shes not sure where she stands with you. So, at what point is being a Challenge to be stopped or slowed down or whatever?
Thanks Doc, keep em coming.
Nate who seeks deeper wisdom
Great question. Im glad that you do appreciate the power and importance of being a Challenge. Most men come on too heavy with women and push for too much too soon. They embarrass themselves. They use all kinds of ploys; they grovel and beg, seek approval, attempt to impress, brag and try to talk women into liking them. Or, they pour their guts out while trying to show the woman how sensitive and vulnerable they can be. Theyll do anything to get intimate with women as quickly as they possibly can, whatever they think will work.
What they fail to understand is that what women want more than anything, is the un-attainable guy, the guy who is slightly aloof and enigmatic. So you Psych majors, the guy whos not trying.
So Nate, you understand the value of Challenge. Fantastic! But you think that being a Challenge becomes counter-productive after a few months. Wrong! If you follow The System, and you are consistently a gentleman, with manners class and high integrity, and you continue being a Challenge, after about sixty days, she will indeed have that warm fuzz feeling. She will call you her boyfriend. She will be exclusive with you. She will love you and she will trust you as much as shes capable of with any man. (She wouldnt trust a man who was a non - Challenge any more than you wouldnt, after having spent the same amount of time with him.)
When Challenge works its magic, her romantic Interest Level gets very high. And when the woman has a high level of romantic interest in you, she feels safe and comfortable. Then she experiences all those wonderful romantic feelings that shes been longing to feel. She feels like shes been swept off her feet. You cant do any better than that, Nate.
I just dont want you feeling as warm and fuzzy as she does Nate, because if you do, you will start coming on too heavy verbally, and youll open up too much. Her Interest Level in you should be in the nineties and your Interest Level toward her should stay in the eighties. When your romantic Interest Level stays lower than hers does, you wont start getting too sweet and soft and syrupy, which would slowly erode her Interest Level in you.
Be aware, Nate, that as time goes go by, your girlfriend will get to know you and your habits, what bugs you and what makes you happy. You will become less mysterious and more predictable without doing anything. So theres no need to change your basic love strategy. Continue to not tell her about painful things in your past. Continue to surprise her in clever ways. Continue to let her wonder about where she stands with you. Not whether you like her or not. She wondered about that during the first sixty days. After that, you want her to wonder whether or not youre really gone over her the way shes gone over you, thats good!
Now, after you have been with a woman for a couple months, there are certain Challenge strategies/behaviors that you can lighten up on. Ill give you a few examples from the many in The System. 1) you can go ahead and leave a message on her answering service if you want to 2) You can also talk to her on the phone just to have a fun chat 3) you can take her out on a Friday or Saturday night. Things like that. But, always maintain a ratio of one I love you to every five she says to you. That will keep her on her toes AND, keep her Interest Level high.
Remember, guys, never go against the principles that made
you a success with women to begin with.
Hi Doc Love,
I am just writing to tell you that I disagree with your article about the guy who needs to give a kiss to a girl on the first date to find out if she is interested. A woman needs time to decide how she feels about someone. I usually dont kiss a guy on the first date. To a lot of women, a kiss is special. They just dont kiss a guy until they have romantic feelings for him.
Most of the time I pay my own way until I know I have romantic feelings with somebody and in that way, I know I didnt use the person. I wait until I know how I feel. If a guy does what you say to do all the time hell be scaring women off. Your article is just too simplistic.
Ginny - who thinks that you are definitely wrong
Let me ask you something, and be honest. Have you ever had the experience of meeting a man, and knowing instantaneously that you were attracted to him, that he was your type? Have you ever, in your entire life, kissed a guy on a first date? Of course you have. And why did you kiss him on the first date? Because you liked him! You wanted him. You desired him. When you know, you know. And, when you know that you like him, you want him to know that you like him. And what do you do when you know that you like him? You plant one on him when the moment is right. You see Ginny it is that simple.
But, when you need time to decide how you feel, that means that you are ambivalent, and I dont want my readers going out on second dates with women who are ambivalent. My boys deserve a lot better than that. When a womans romantic Interest Level toward a man is in that so so, wishy - washy, iffy, kinda, sorta category, that just doesnt cut it. We dont want mediocrity. We want romance and passion. To continue to go out with a guy whom you have no passion for, is not only unethical, but a waste of his time and yours.
If your romantic interest in a guy is low enough for you to insist on paying your half of the dinner check and is also low enough for you to turn your head when he wants to kiss you, are you saying, that by the next date, that theres a good chance that youre going to feel different? Yeah right, and Bill Clinton has decided to become a celibate monk.
When you insist that the check be split down the middle, even-steven, youre not allowing the guy to be the protector and provider, which is what you want him to be when you like him a lot. Its unromantic to insist on paying your half. Unfortunately, most guys dont realize that when a girl insists on paying her half of the dinner check on a first date, theres no chance for romance. Instead they come back for more punishment.
Ginny, two hours of dinner conversation is plenty of time for you to use all your feminine intuitive powers to determine whether or not youre attracted to a guy. If youre not, then sure, dont kiss him. But if you are, you will kiss him when he wants to kiss you. Youre high Interest Level wont allow you to not kiss him. Youll be afraid that he might not call you again if you dont! As The System says: When a girl likes you, she shows you that she likes you.
Yes Ginny, a kiss is special. And its to be given to a man whom you think is special. So if you dont think hes special, then dont kiss him. Just make sure that you dont go out with him again if you dont think hes special. Isnt that fair?
The only reason youre paying your own way is so you wont feel turning your head away when your date makes his move. But when youre romantically drawn to a man, the issue of feeling guilty about not paying for your fair share somehow just doesnt seem to come up. My advice to you, Ginny, is to stop going out with men to whom youre not attracted; because as you know, whenever you do, it never goes anywhere.
Remember, guys, a woman knows when shes attracted
to a man. And more importantly, she knows it when she first
meets him, period.
Im having a problem with my girlfriend, and I really need some advice. Recently, my girlfriend was over at my house when my ex called. (My ex and I had been together for 9 months, and I broke up with her about 6 months ago.)
I chatted with my ex for about 10 minutes and my girlfriend got very upset. I explained to her that this other girl means nothing to me an that I just consider her to be a friend now. Ive told my girlfriend about 12 times that I only want to be with her, but shes still mad. She insists that I stop talking to my ex.
I would like to keep my ex as a friend, but my girlfriend cant find a way to accept this. I think that shes jealous and insecure. What do you think and what should I do? Please give me some advice as soon as possible, because I want my relationship with my girlfriend to work.
Randell who wants to know why shes so mad
You know that Im one of the few love doctors who comes from a male perspective, and I always try to stand up for the guys. But on this one dude, shes got you. Your girlfriend is neither jealous nor possessive. She just wants to trust you and be respected. Thats right, Randell, youre being disrespectful. How would you like her to be chatting with old boyfriends while shes sitting on the couch with you? If youre honest with yourself, I think youd have to admit that you wouldnt enjoy it a bit. Why? Because as they say in Israel, It aint Kosher!
Your girlfriend is annoyed because she knows that your ex is trying to get you back with the ol friendship ploy. (To you Psych majors: The ex girlfriend is playing buddy, hoping he gets rid of his existing lover and takes her back.) If your ex had dumped you Randell and you had been the dumpee, I guarantee you wouldnt be getting any friendly, chatty phone calls from her. (When women leave first, they never want back in.) But in this case you were the dumper, and your ex obviously still has feelings for you. Your current girlfriend knows how her fellow kitty cats operate and she smells a rat. But your girlfriend isnt insecure; you are, because you enjoy getting strokes off someone whom you got rid of.
Randell, you should ask yourself some important questions, like: Why do you want to keep your ex as a friend anyway? Are you out of buddies? Do you get off playing with your exs heart? Are you a passive/ aggressive person who neurotically enjoys annoying your current partner?
Nagging is the most under-reported crime in America, only this time its somewhat justified. Your girlfriend needs to feel cherished and respected by you. She needs to feel safe and be able to trust you, and youre blowing it.
Randell, youve been a jerk. Now its time to do the right thing and heres one way to do it: When Miss Wrong calls again and your girlfriend is there, casually walk out of the room with the phone while youre talking to her. Meanwhile stay within earshot of your girlfriend and let her hear you say: Missy, dont call me again. Do this, and your girlfriends levels of trust, respect and romantic interest toward you will all go up.
Randell, both partners in a long-term romantic relationship must always have the utmost respect for each other (and themselves) because the foundation of a lasting relationship is respect. If the man doesnt give the woman respect, resentment will rear its hideous little head, the womans Interest Level will slowly sink, and the guy will eventually hear one of the two most dreaded sentences in the English language: either Honey, we have to talk or You know, I just need some space.
So remember, all you guys out there, When
youre going steady, dont talk to your
Ive just had my third date with a really sweet and pretty girl, Rachel. We initially met on the Internet. Were just getting to know each other but I already know that shes had some hurtful experiences with men in the past. She says that shes very attracted to me but that she doesnt want to jump into anything right away because whenever shes done that in the past, things just didnt work out. She says that this time she wants to go slow and get to be good friends first and then build a relationship in the future from that foundation of friendship.
What she says makes good sense. And I dont want her to think that Im only interested in sex because Im not. I really like her, and I want her to trust me.
So Im going to give her what she wants and not try to get physical with her in any way. She already told me that she really appreciates how well I listen to her and how she feels like she can talk to me about anything. I just wanted your opinion. How long do you think is a reasonable time to be in the friendship mode? And at what point do you think we should start shifting to more of the boyfriend/girlfriend mode?
Garth who wants to know how to pace things
This love cop smells a rat. Any time a woman, whom youre dating, starts using the F word (friend), youd better stop, look and listen. It means that her romantic Interest Level is low and is going anywhere but up.
Garth, your girl Rachel is obviously a Professional Dater and shes got you bamboozled. Shes telling you that shes attracted to you, but as with all Professional Daters, shes saying that only to keep you coming back again and again. She knows that if she admits that shes not attracted to you, then youll bail. But buddy, the only thing shes serving you from her menu is a little bit of hope and that aint enough nutrition to keep a man alive and well.
The truth is that shes not physically attracted to you in any meaningful way, because if she were, she wouldnt have brought up the F word. Instead, shed be hugging you and kissing you and jumping your bones. Sorry Garth, Im not going to pull any punches here. Shes either running a con job on you or... shes brainwashed herself into believing that being friends first can actually work in the real world, which it never can.
She also mentioned that shes been hurt before. Well, who in the hell hasnt been hurt? Ready? Here comes another big dose of reality: Shes a woman. And since women do the dumping most of the time, shes been hurt considerably less in her life than the average guy has. Ask yourself this Garth: Is it hurtful to the man, for a woman to string him along with an ambiguous promise of intimacy and romance that will ostensibly happen at some unknown date in the future?
What about your feelings Garth? How are you going to feel as the weeks go by and you start falling in love with her, and she doesnt want to even kiss and cuddle with you because friends dont do that sort of thing? Brother, all I can say, is get ready to experience some serious frustration and resentment if you continue down this palsy walsy path.
Yep. Youre going along with her agenda, assuming that her agenda is right for both of you. Well whats young Garths agenda amidst all this smoke and mirrors? If you could have it your way Garth, how would you have it? You see I smell a small rodent here. The real question is: when, as a man, do YOU honor your own needs in this relationship?
If you do decide to go along with plan A (her agenda), just know that you are at high risk for winding up being dumped on with a cute little announcement that goes something like: Garth, Sweetie, guess what. Ive finally met the man of my dreams and I owe it all to you! If you hadnt been such a great friend giving me all that wonderful support and caring and understanding, I wouldnt have been able to get over my resentment toward men and I wouldnt have been ready to meet Felix. He just seemed to come along at the right time and he swept me off my feet. God bless you Garth. I want you to sit with us at the head table at our wedding reception in June!
Are you ready to puke yet?
Statistically speaking, one in a hundred of what we call male/female friendships turn into romance. Its as rare as a natural B cup in a Beverly Hills health spa. And I hesitate to even mention the one real percent that do make the transition because youll rationalize the information and wind up telling yourself that this one is the one in a hundred. It aint 'Gartho' and you can take that to the bank.
Would a woman with high Interest Level and a flexible attitude tell you that the only way you have a chance of becoming her boyfriend is to have a platonic relationship with her for an indefinite period of time? Sure! And Brittany Spears is having Jesse Jackson's love child.
When the man who gets her all hot and bothered comes along, I promise you that Rachel wont be hassling him with this lets be friends first crap. As for you Garth, youll get more lovin from an inflatable doll than youll ever get from this chick.
Keep it simple Garth. We dont have to spend a whole day trying to figure out the 88 reasons why she wants to be friends first. The Bottom Line Factor says that shes putting up a huge roadblock on Romance Road, and you aint getting past it, Dude. But some other guy who rings her bell will. And when that happens, if I were you, Id rather be getting a root canal than hearing how you and she will always be best friends.
And at what point should you shift to the boyfriend/girlfriend mode? Garth, my man, you should always be in the man/woman non-platonic mode. Always! Starting with date #1. Never buy into this lets be buddies first blubber. Its just a smokescreen for the woman to hide her low Interest Level while she uses you as a sounding board and as her on-call psychotherapist. Of course youre not a real psychotherapist. A real psychotherapist gets paid for his time!
Remember guys -- when you hear the word
friend, get the hell out of there as fast as you
Dear Doc Love,
Im Preston. Im 33 and Im a fitness trainer at an upscale gym in Manhattan. I dont seem to have any trouble meeting hot looking women at all. Sometimes I actually have more women coming onto me than I can deal with. I know it sounds like Im bragging but its true. The problem is that I seem to keep winding up with girls who give me a hard time.
For instance, Ive been spending time with this one girl named Becky. Shes about two inches taller than I am (Im 510) and shes drop dead gorgeous. Of course shes a model and an aspiring actress. Weve been out twice now, and Im really attracted to her.
So yesterday we were taking a nice walk through Central Park, enjoying the day, when she starts asking me all these intense questions about my past relationships and insists that I explain why Ive never been married. She was so intense. I felt like no matter what I said, it wouldnt be what she wanted to hear.
Then she goes on a rant about how all men are dishonest and cheat and use women in one way or another. And then she says: So Preston, do you use women? I mean she was acting like a cop from internal affairs who knew that I was guilty and was insisting that I admit it.
The rest of the time we were together yesterday, she was totally cool and we had fun. But I can tell shes going to come on heavy again. If theres a way to get her to lighten up Id like to know, because she has a lot of other nice qualities and shes exactly my type physically. Any suggestions Doc?
Preston who wants to know how to handle her
Shes not the problem. Youre the problem. Youve got all these hot women coming onto you. Great! But whats up with you that you onl choose ones who hassle you? Why dont you hang out with one who doesnt bust your chops? I mean, why be with a demanding, high maintenance chick when there are plenty of sweet ones out there? Since youve got so many to choose from, pick a winner instead of a whiner. As my cousin Sal The Fish Love says: Stay away from dogs that growl and people who growl.
Remember, the more beautiful the woman, the more spoiled and demanding she tends to be. I think you probably need to move down the beauty scale a notch or two, Preston, and practice using The System. Youre not prepared to handle this type of woman.
Shes says that all men are users and that youre guilty until proven innocent. Why would you want to be with someone who has a chip on her shoulder? Its a big Red Flag. If this is how she behaves on the second date, can you imagine the grillings youll be getting from her after shes put the ring through your nose and youve been married to her for a year?
And Ill tell you something else Preston. If you started ragging on women the way Becky has on men, shed be telling all her girlfriends what a creep you were. Somehow women feel that it is completely legitimate to label the male gender, as commitment phobic, terrified of true intimacy. But what you never hear about on Sally and Oprah, is that there are just as many women as men out there who have intimacy and commitment issues - its just politically correct to blame men for all our relationship problems. As every good Feminista tells us - All men want to do is use and abuse women.
If Becky were average looking and acted as she has, you would have already gotten rid of her, Preston. Her beauty mesmerizes you and you are not thinking clearly. One of the worst things you can do is get involved with a hot looking woman with a bad attitude. Unfortunately, too many guys will put up with all kinds of abuse, just because the girl is gorgeous. Its dis-empowering to do that. Guys, you have to learn to not be willing to do anything for you know what. Just keep in mind that a girl who rates a 10 will sink to a 1 after shes nagged and badgered you for two months.
Preston, this girl is not going to stop doing what she does. And youre not going to change her. So move on to a groovier scenario. Check out the girls in the 7 to 8 range. It will be much easier to find one whos lighthearted and sweet. And at the same time keep taking your shots at the 10s because there are some out there who arent high maintenance. But any hassle out of the chute, and its Adios Baby!
Remember guys - the intelligent woman with high interest
and a good attitude says to herself - Ill find
out all the things I want to know about this guys
character, over time. No need to be negative and demanding,
its un-feminine and ungraceful. So pick a
sweetheart instead of a Nazi interrogator.
Dear Doc Love,
I need your advice and I need it quick. Heres the story.
Last week I had my first great date with this really hot babe named Felice. Things went really well. We had Sushi at my favorite restaurant and then we went swing dancing. When I walked her to her door at the end of the evening, she invited me in, and we wound up making out on her couch like two high school kids.
I didnt push anything even though I feel like I probably could have. When I finally left, she walked me back out to my car and gave me another very nice kiss and said, call me just before I drove off. The problem Im facing now is that Ive left three messages on her answering machine, the last one was three days ago, and she still hasnt called me back. And I know that shes not out of town or anything.
But theres more to the story .
Yesterday I was talking to this other girl Cindy who knows Felice. Theyre not close friends but they know each other. So I was asking Cindy why she thought Felice hasnt called me back yet and Cindy told me that she was pretty sure that Felice was a rules girl.
Now I had no friggin idea what that meant, but Cindy quickly educated me. It seems that theres this book that many women have read called The Rules. And rules girls always follows the rules in this book. Well one of the rules in The Rules is that a woman should almost never return a mans phone calls because if she does, then he will know that she likes him and she will loose her advantage over him.
I couldnt believe it. I mean that sounded so rude and manipulative. So I went to the bookstore, and lo and behold, its totally for real. I kid you not. Rule number #5 in The Rules says, and I quote: Dont Call Him And Rarely Return His Calls And in that section it says; Dont worry about seeming rude, men always call again. Unbelievable!
After I got over the initial shock of my discovery, I started to get really angry. Isnt it women who are always accusing us men of playing games? What a bunch of hypocrites!
But now Ive got to deal with this. I know that if Felice isnt a rules girl then I should just forget her because if she were interested she would have called back by now. But if she is a rules girl then she still could be interested and is waiting for me to call back again, so Ill have to keep calling her until I get her in person because shes not going to call me back.
But, I keep getting her answering machine whatever time of day or night I call. (Ive hung up on the machine all the other times that Ive called and have only left 3 messages total, like I said) So it appears that shes screening her calls and if shes screening her calls, then Ill always have to talk to her machine to tell if shes home or not. But every time I talk to her machine and she doesnt pick up, Ill be leaving another message and pretty soon Im going to look like a stalker. What the hell do I do? How can I short-circuit this Rules craziness? All I want to do is get her out on another date.
Dan -who doesnt want to play by The Rules
I feel for you bro. This is a typical example of the mind games that some women play and youre taking a beating. Heres a girl who, youd bet the family farm, was dying to hear from you, but when you try to make the next connection, all you get is static. Of course any guy whos a dating veteran knows that this kind of behavior is all too common. I tell ya, women!
But dont worry Dan; lets get all our facts straight and then well use our counter intelligence to neutralize this feminine assault on your sanity.
The book, The Rules - Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right (note the word capture in the title) was published in 1995 and has always been controversial since the day it hit the streets. Essentially, The Rules tells women, that when they meet a man whom they are strongly attracted to, they should take no initiative to connect with him in any way and that they should act exactly the same way they would if they had no interest in him whatsoever. Makes a lot of sense, doesnt it?
Check it out, here are some more choice, verbatim quotes from The Rules: Its never necessary to make eye contact with a man . avoid staring romantically into a mans eyes . treat men you are interested in like you would any other client or patient or coworker .dont talk to men first. The Rules is only really useful for women who are very needy and clingy or very pushy and way too aggressive, but the average gal has generally found that if she sticks to The Rules, they backfire on her.
In the ensuing years since the publication of this book, The Rules has come to be looked upon with disdain by many relationship experts, but a great deal of damage has already been done and continues to be done by The Rules. I hesitate to even begin to estimate how many thousands of women wound up having great guys whom they were very interested in, pass them over because those women, while practicing The Rules, failed to give the man an encouraging look or smile. I cringe when I contemplate how many women were written off as rude and inconsiderate or just not interested because they never returned the guys call (even though they were dying to go out with him!)
Fortunately, many women have wised up and spread the word that The Rules is for losers. But guys, there still are plenty of rules girls running rampant in the land of love, so be aware.
Dan, I never recommend leaving messages on a womans answering service or her answering machine until youve made it past the first two months. But since youve already gone (way too far) down that road, well just deal with the situation as is.
When you mentioned that you thought that Felice would have called back by now if she were interested in you, that was a half-truth. If she was really interested in you (and she wasnt a die hard rules girl) she would have returned your call after the first message you left.
The only other plausible explanation for her not calling you back is that she is indeed a hard core rules girl. I have just three things to say about that: If shes so insecure that she needs to follow The Rules, you dont want to be with her anyway. If shes calculating and manipulative enough to be using The Rules, you dont want to be with her anyway. If shes a rules girl who likes to make a man jump through more hoops than a circus tiger, you dont want to be with her anyway.
Putting aside the issue of whether shes a rules girl, if youve called all those times and have always gotten her answering machine, then its pretty obvious that she is, unfortunately, a full-time call screener. That in itself is a bad sign. Why do most attractive young women who screen their calls on a full time basis do that? Well, its almost always because they are continually giving their phone numbers out to and flirting with guys whom they never want to talk to again, and in your case, Dan, it sounds as if youre getting screened out.
Even though she is a full-time screener, if she had high interest in you Dan, she would at least temporarily suspend her habit of screening all her calls because she was dying to hear from you. Shed be worried about what an awkward position her screening would be putting you in. The Reality Factor says that when women like you, they help you!
At this point Dan, rules girl or not, blow her off. Youve already gone way beyond the call of duty. And stop trying to figure out why shes given you mixed messages. Youre wasting your mind, and a mind is a terrible thing to waste. If this girl somehow resurfaces and calls you, apologizes profusely for her tardiness and begs to see you again, you can put her on probation and give her another shot. But whatever you do, do not call her again and leave another message.
Remember guys - If shes a rules girlor
simply a screener, its best to rule her out.
My name is Jack. I'm 42 years old and I own a large luxury car dealership. Even though Ive been quite successful in my career, Ive experienced a lot of confusion with women for many years.
But since I started using your System in January, Ive had three times as many dates so far this year than I had for the entire year before. Ive learned how and when to ask a woman for her home phone number and I know how to weed out the ones who give out their number but have no intention of actually going out with me.
The problem Im encountering now is that a lot of these women who do go out with me, but ultimately wont even kiss me, even though they keep accepting dates with me. Ive been following your rules about keeping things light and keeping them laughing. I let the woman do all the touching. I don't tell her how much I like her and all that. Im a total gentleman and I also maintain a sense of mystery and Challenge just as you say to do. Ive come a long way.
But I am completely baffled by these girls. They touch me, they compliment me, they tell me outright what a great time they have with me and they talk about doing things together on more dates in the future. But when I make my move for a simple nice kiss, and I usually wait until the third or fourth date to go for it, they turn their head away, or they give me a quick peck and then start talking or they just give me a hug instead. Even after they refuse to kiss me, they still accept more dates with me. But they never do let me kiss them, even when we spend more time together. (Ive been laboring under the assumption that a lot of them are probably shy and just need more time, but now Im starting to believe that thats not accurate at all.)
I will tell you that there is one new woman whom Ive just started dating who gave me a long, deep, wet kiss right off the bat on our first date. Boy was that delightful and refreshing!
So whats with all these other girls? Why are they spending so much time with me if they dont even want to kiss me? They know that Im romantically interested in them, or I wouldnt be asking them out. So then why do they keep accepting dates with me? Why do they let me pay for everything and do all the planning and all the driving and everything when they obviously have no interest in me? Is that right? Is that fair? Do other guys go through this too? And how can I screen out these phonies and strokers before I spend all this time and money on them?
Jack - who is ticked off
You are not alone. Every day I receive much e-mail complaining of the exact same thing that youve been experiencing. In fact, Id have to say that what we have in the current dating world is an epidemic of phony female flirt-itis.
Every night, across America, tens of thousands of women are out on dates with men whom they have absolutely no romantic interest in or physical attraction to. These women are already 100% clear that they have no intention of ever even exploring the possibility of a relationship with the poor sap theyve chosen as their target. Each one, all consumed with her own narcissistic agenda, has no concern whatsoever that she is misleading her victim, let alone possibly hurting his feelings. Toying with a mans emotions is a form of recreation for her.
If youre a long time reader, you know that I call this type of woman: The Professional Dater. And, yes Jack, the way she behaves isnt right. And it isnt fair either, but it is a reality that all single guys must learn to deal with, unless you are in a band.
So just what is The Professional Daters secret agenda? Let me to clarify this for everyone. Her agenda is: To enjoy as many social, recreational and culinary opportunities as she can, with no strings attached, while she bides her time, looking for the real Mr. Right. In her self-centered universe, her inner dialogue goes something like this: While Im attending that exclusive Grammy party with Mr. Chump, I just might meet a celebrity. Or, while Im dining at the nicest restaurant in town with Mr. Loser, at least Ill be able to enjoy another Lobster dinner this week instead of having to stay home and watch re-runs of Sex in the City while I eat reheated pasta with my cat. And besides, attention from an undesirable male is better than no male attention at all.
The more beautiful the Professional Dater is, the higher her standards will be. But there are thousands of women out there who would rate no more than a 5 or a 6 but who are still full-on predatory Professional Daters. They enjoy getting free dinners at Sizzler and a complimentary movie ticket, courtesy of Mr. Clueless.
Well versed in the subtleties of manipulation, the Professional Dater knows that her victim will not continue to lavish his attention and generosity upon her if she doesnt give him a sense of hope and possibility. So, shes a master at leading him on, without having to even approach the first stages of intimacy. (For her, the idea of actually even kissing her mark, ranges somewhere from between mildly distasteful to outright repulsive.) The Professional Dater has trained herself to exhibit all the buying signals of the woman with authentic high Interest level. She touches the guy a lot. She tells him how special he is. She thanks him profusely for the lovely evening she had. She even makes very subtle, ambiguous hints about the possibility of furthering the relationship in the future.
So how do you screen out this viscous siren? How do avoid being played like a Stradivarius? How do you call her bluff and flush out this emotional vampire? Are you ready guys? Listen up! Here it is. The antidote to this strokers spell:
In order to determine whether or not your potential relationship partner is a Professional Dater, you must make sure that you do not end your first date with her without going for a nice, sweet, long lingering kiss. And if you get anything less from her, go home, rip up her phone number and flush it down the toilet.
To some, this suggestion may sound too harsh, too inflexible. Let me tell you guys: Any girl who really likes you, who is romantically interested in you, will be more than pleased to lay a big wet one on you by the end of the first date. Why wouldnt she if she likes you? Even a very shy girl who has high Interest Level will respond enthusiastically. Only a woman with low Interest Level wouldnt lip lock with you after a three and a half-hour long first date. (And who would want to be with her?)
To others, this suggestion may sound simplistic. Like basic common sense. Well, thats what it is. Its a simple but profound way to quickly determine where you stand and avoid more dates with the same woman that will wind up going nowhere. Lets say it another way. Theres no such thing as a woman with high Interest Level who would penalize you for going for a nice kiss at the end of the first date.
Jack, the bad news is that the reason that these women arent responding, even though youre doing everything right, is that they never really liked you to begin with. But the good news is that you can stop them in their tracks if you dont wait until the third or fourth date to make your move. Go for that kiss and bottom-line the womans Interest Level by the end of the first date. And simply do not go out again with any woman who fails to respond enthusiastically to your overtures. Stick with the girl who gave you a great kiss on the first date, and look for more like her if you need to.
Just remember guys, you never know if a girl might be a
Professional Dater or not, until you go for that Big
Now that Ive read several of your advice columns, I am thoroughly convinced that you have the mind of a fourteen-year old boy.
Your column and your so-called System are an attempt to teach men how to play mind games and manipulate women. And any guy who is using some kind of rule book or strategy to try to win me over, may actually make it to a second date, but I can guarantee you that he wont make it to my bedroom.
The advice you should be giving men is to simply be honest and be themselves. Men dont need to act aloof or unavailable to get women to like them. The truth is that women like to know up front whether a guy is interested, and they certainly dont want a guy to wait a week before he calls, which is what you advocate. Have you actually talked to any of these thousands of women whom you claim to have interviewed? I doubt it.
What youre doing, Doc Love, is trying to convince guys to act like jerks because they've been rejected once or twice. Thats never going to help them find a woman who will truly make them happy.
Youre obviously trying to gain popularity by being politically incorrect, which is apparently the hip thing to do theses days. But youre only exacerbating the misunderstandings between men and women.
You shouldnt be giving love advice until you start asking us women what we want instead of telling men what you think we want. If you actually had been interviewing real women, and then youd know that all that women really want, is a nice guy who is sincere.
Reva who thinks that you are not helping anyone
Did I hit a nerve?
Allow me to tell you about a guy Ive recently met, named Barney. Barney is a Macho Boy. When he takes a woman out on a first date, he intermittently stares at her breasts throughout the evening. He also has a habit of complaining about his ex wife in the middle of the dinner conversation. And he cant seem to keep himself from touching his dates arm too much. Every girl, who goes out with Barney, winds up feeling extremely uncomfortable and never wants to hear from him again. Yet Barney is baffled as to why he never gets a second date.
Barneys buddy, Frank, is different from Barney. Frank is what I call a Teddy Bear Guy. He always brings a bouquet of flowers for the girl on their first date. He also thinks that if he shares all the disappointments that hes experienced in relationships and life, that his date will respect him for being honest and willing to share his feelings and that that will make her more attracted to him. At the end of the evening, he usually says to his date: I really like you. Do you like me? Frank doesnt get many second dates either.
So Reva, Ive got a few questions for you. Shall we simply encourage Barney and Frank to continue to be themselves? Could it be possible that they might benefit from some coaching? If I educate Barney and Frank about the error of their ways and they change their behaviour in order to become more successful with women, would I then be turning them into a manipulative phonies? And would you deny Barney and Frank the opportunity to improve themselves? Should all those guys, who are chronically making outrageous blunders with women, continue to just be themselves?
Curiously Reva, its often the same women who complain about men being manipulative when they try new things to be successful with women, who are rushing off to the newsstand to get the latest edition of Cosmopolitan or Self magazine, to learn: Five Sure Fire Ways To Get Him To Commit, or Seven Secret Psychic Strategies To Make Him Fall Helplessly In Love With You. Do you ever read womens magazines Reva?
Go to the relationship section of any bookstore. Wade through all the men are creeps and women are victims crap, and most of the rest - of what you will find -are books written by women for women with strategies to Get What You Want From The Man In Your Life. It seems that when a woman studies a book to enhance her relationships, its called self improvement. But when a man takes the initiative to get some coaching to improve his love life, hes condemned for being dishonest and manipulative. Hmm, and the Feministas fought so hard to get rid of all those double standards!
The way that I found out what women actually desire in a man, was not to ask them what they want. (If you ask women what they want they come up with misleading doublespeak just as you have Reva.) The truth is revealed when I quiz them about the character traits of the men with whom they actually wind up staying with in a relationship. In the vast majority of cases, what we discover, is that the man who makes the grade, is the man who made the woman, (either naturally or by design) feel as if she had to work somehow to win him over. She had to wait and wonder awhile about where she stood with him and so she found him mysterious and compelling and ultimately, worthy of her affections.
Im not saying that a guy needs to be a mysterious when hes been married for ten years. But in the first 60 days of courtship, its imperative.
Ill tell you, Reva, if you were to meet two different guys at an afternoon barbecue whom you both had 70% Interest Level in, and guy number one called you later that night and told you how much he cared for you, your Interest Level in him would very quickly sink to 60%. Why? Too much, too fast.
But if guy number two waited a week to call you and simply asked you out in a gentlemanly fashion, by the time he called, your Interest Level in him would have risen to 75%. You would find yourself involuntarily responding positively to guy number two in contrast to guy number one, because guy number two was less anxious, more mysterious and more of a Challenge.
The truth Reva, is that Macho Boy, the pushy, inconsiderate jerk, is not going to get anywhere with any woman, at least not any woman who is clinically sane. But Teddy Bear Guy (wimpus Americanus) is not going to get very far by being too available and too eager to please either.
Too many good men are losing out on having heath relationships with wonderful women, only because theyve never had proper coaching. They dont know that their job on a first date is to keep things light, keep their hands to themselves, be a good listener and make their date feel comfortable. And above all, control the interview.
Men also dont know that theyre blowing it when they give a woman fifteen different compliments on the first date or when they propose marriage on the fourth date. Theyre fundamentally good guys, but they just dont know any better. Thats where I come in, and I know Im helping a lot of guys because of the hundreds of grateful testimonial letters I receive each month.
Remember guys: The man who is a gentleman and a Challenge
keeps the woman.
Hi there Doc,
My girlfriend and me have been together for eight months now and have had a great relationship, but I feel as though she is becoming less interested in me. For example, I find her spending more and more time with her friends. I don't mind if she hangs out with her friends, but its since she started hanging out with them more than me that Ive become concerned. Shes also spending lots of time with a "friend" of hers named Tom. It seems as though every time I call her on her cell phone, shes at Toms apartment.
Another thing is that I feel that she hardly ever gives in return. Ive given her all sorts of cool things, but she hasnt given me a thing.
Im 32, and as I look back on my past girlfriends, it seems to me that it always starts out great and then someone mistreats and then dumps the other. I dont want to dump her, Doc, but I think that I probably have to. Do relationships ever last?
Smitty who wants to know why does it always have to end.
I hate to say it dude, but it sounds as if you have already become the dumpee and youre just not seeing it yet. What does this girl have to do to you - for you to get the drift - marry Tom? On the other hand, you do seem to understand that your relationship is going nowhere fast - except downhill. Let me explain.
Yes, Smitty, your girlfriend has already dumped you, but she just doesnt have the decency to tell you to your face. Shes simply doing more and more things that shes hoping you will soon no longer be able to tolerate. Then youll be forced to break up with her, thinking that it was your decision, while youre actually being manipulated into doing her dirty work for her. Using this passive method, she doesnt have to look like the bad guy.
Also, remember that if your girlfriend started out having high Interest Level in you, then you had to have done things to lower her Interest Level. Otherwise, she wouldnt be amenable to the charms of this rip-off artist named Tom. You see, The Reality Factor says: When women have 90% Interest Level or higher, theyre super-loyal.
My other concern is that this girl is a taker and not a giver, so she isnt good relationship material anyway. You should ask yourself Smitty, why did you continue giving so much to her if she wasnt giving back. She obviously wasnt showing you any appreciation, either. All you guys need to learn to stop giving when youre efforts arent being appreciated.
Do all relationships have to end?
Some couples actually do stay together forever because they both had high romantic Interest Level in each other to begin with. And theyve been able to keep the Interest Level mutually high over the years. Couples like these comprise a very small percentage of the total, but they are out there.
The other category of couples who dont break up: Those who stay together indefinitely, not because they are happy with each other, but because they have to for one reason or another i.e.: they dont want to damage their kids emotionally, or the breakup would be financially devastating in some way etc. etc.
In the worst version of this type of relationship, the couple is miserable and practically hate each other. At best they just live like roommates with no passion or affection for each other.
Remember that about one out of four guys, who are married, are with women who never really loved them to begin with. Another large percentage of married men is with women who once had high Interest Level in them, but who are now just toughing it out.
(Just ask yourself: How many - seven year married or longer - men out of a hundred have a loving, romantic relationship with their wives? Get a few beers into your buddy and ask him what he hates about being married.)
So, that leaves a large majority of couples who are inevitably going to break up, sooner or later. It may only take six or seven dates before one person or the other looses interest. Or, the breakup can come after one partner finally gets the guts to end an unhappy marriage of several years. In any case, the person who does the dumping is the one with the lower Interest Level. And the one who gets hurt is the partner with the higher level of interest. (When the airplane of love is going down, theres only one parachute - and its not for the dumpee!)
Smitty, I would never tell any guy to get rid of a woman. My job is to coach you so you dont get in a predicament like this to begin with. But if your girlfriend is spending more time with Tom than with you, then theres trouble in paradise.
But dont take the initiative to officially break up with her. If you do that, then shell get the satisfaction of knowing that she was able to manipulate you. Instead, beat her at her own game. Just stop calling her, let her only talk to your answering machine, and move on.
Smitty, if you want to have a relationship that goes the distance, youve got to get with a chick who digs you as much as you dig her. Then check to make sure that she is a flexible giver with high integrity. Also make sure to always maintain a sense of romance, mystery and Challenge. In that way, youll be sure to keep her Interest Level high as the months and years go by. And when her Interest Level is high, shell continue to do things to make sure that your Interest Level in her stays high, also.
Remember guys: The easy part is getting them. The hard
part is keeping them.
I read your answer to Tex, about whether he should take his ex-girlfriend back after she cheated on him. Last year I made a terrible mistake of falling for another mans flattery, and cheated on my boyfriend whom I loved very much.
Some might wonder how I could cheat on somebody I love. I am not going to make excuses for my wrongdoing. But at the time I was feeling a little insecure about my relationship with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend was talking like he wanted to commit to marriage or moving in together and buying a home. Talk like that scared me a lot and I wasn't sure I was ready for that big of a step in the relationship.
I made the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life when I decided to cheat on him. I did get caught the very first time I cheated. In a way I think I wanted him to catch us, so I wouldn't have to deal with the fears of committing to the relationship. Like I said, I was scared and didn't know what to do. I know now that cheating was one of the worse things I could have done. Of course the man I was cheating with meant nothing to me.
My boyfriend was willing to forgive me and wanted us to stay together. I didn't feel he could ever forgive the terrible thing that I had done and old him to go away and find somebody else. All my life I have disliked cheaters and I could not at the time forgive myself for what I had done.
For 5 months I went into depression for the wrong I had done. I shut myself off from my close family and friends. A lot of times I wouldn't answer the phone. I didn't go anywhere but to work. At work just I did my job. I didn't socialize with anyone and just kept to myself.
I am happy now, because the boyfriend I had cheated on helped pull me out of my depression and took me back. We are living together now and plan to marry. We do still have a few trust issues that we are dealing with. I have found a voice tape recorder hidden in our house by him. My boyfriend works nights and I work days. Several times he has left work to check and see if I was at home alone, but it is getting less frequent. I have told him I will never cheat on him again, and know for a fact, now that I have him back, that I never will cheat on him again.
So you can tell Tex, that it is possible to get back with somebody who did you wrong, if the person is truly sincere and wants to be forgiven. Remember Doc Love, we are all humans and no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and we are all capable of learning from them. I hope you will forward this letter to Tex so that he can see that people can change.
Caprice who is a wiser woman
Youre quite an interesting woman. Your boyfriend tells you that he wants to marry you, and that makes you feel insecure about your relationship with him. If hed been becoming more distant or less affectionate I could certainly understand your reaction, but he was letting you know that he truly cares for you - poor guy. Isnt a good man who wants commitment what all you gals clamor for? No wonder most men are bewildered by women!
And then to deal with your insecurities, you go to bed with another guy makes sense to me! What did he say to you, Hi good looking, lets go to my house?
You mentioned of course the man I was cheating with meant nothing. Sounds to me like you have real high standards. One compliment from someone you dont think much of, and you do the worst thing you can do to your true love. And Ricky Lake calls men dogs!
Maybe your self-esteem is just so low that youll do anything to sabotage a good relationship because you dont believe that you deserve to have a good man in your life.
Let me ask you a question that the others love doctors never would ask. How are you able to respect a man who would take you back after youve done him dirty like you did? If youre really honest with yourself, I think youll have to admit that your level of respect for him has been irretrievably compromised and this fact doesnt bode well for the longevity of your relationship. Why? Because The Reality Factor says that the womans Interest Level is built on respect.
Youre either going to start becoming interested in guys who you see as more masculine (who would never put up with such crap), or your guy is gonna' drop you like a Mad Cow burger, if and when he grows some brains and realizes what a number youve run on him.
Heres something else no one talks about. Your guys romantic Interest Level in you can never go back to where it was in the high 90s. Knowing that you are capable of cheating again he will instinctively keep his Interest Level lower to protect himself from future pain. (It hurts less when youre not totally in love with the person who cheats on you - again.)
Even as things stand now it doesnt sound so great. How much trust can you possibly have in your relationship if hes hiding tape recorders in the house to check on you? How did it make you feel when you discovered the tape recorder? And how do you feel about being with a guy who is so insecure about your loyalty that he runs around spying on you? I see nothing but trouble ahead.
Caprice, you also say that things are just getting better
and better now that youve repented. Talk to me in a
year and tell how great things are then. Remember, guys,
once they stray, stay away.
I dont have a problem getting a woman to love me, but I cant seem to get her to keep loving me. I seem to be able to make it as far as about six months in a relationship, but by the seventh or eighth month every woman leaves me.
Im a cool guy and I make very good money. Nevertheless Im always getting dumped and I cant figure out why. The freaky thing is that I never see it coming. When they leave its always ends with a big argument that comes out of nowhere.
Can you tell me the signs to look for to tell that a woman is getting turned off so that I dont get ambushed again? And could you also give me some tips about what I might be doing wrong that keeps making these women want to bail on me?
Craig who is tired of losing
When a woman decides to leave a man with whom shes been in a committed relationship, her romantic Interest Level towards him, in most cases, does not suddenly drop from say 95% to 39%. Rather, her feelings of affection and romance toward her partner have been eroded slowly by the mans behavior and have finally sunk so low that shed prefer to throw up than spend another day with him.
While this process is taking place, sadly, the man is usually cluesless that the womans romantic feelings towards him are diminishing. Only when her Interest Level has sunk below the point of no return is the hapless chap informed that he is history.
How and why does this happen?
Lets take as an example, a typical guy who is clinically sane and not abusive or an alcoholic or drug addict. Furthermore lets assume hes basically a good guy with a job, whos responsible and has integrity.
When he gets dumped, its usually because hes either being too nice, too available, too vulnerable and sweet, too predictable or too malleable and easily controlled so that she looses respect for him and her sexual attraction towards him dies a slow death. He is then no longer her romantic hero and she no longer sees him as mysterious or a Challenge in any way, although she once did.
Craig, what you probably do as time goes by, is get too comfortable with your girlfriend and you start to share too much about your personal insecurities. Or you dont take a stand and say the word no when its appropriate, or you let her think that you cant live without her.
So instead Craig, when you start out with a woman, dont change your behavior as the months go by. You must be doing a lot of things right because youre getting past sixty days with all these gals. So keep doing all the things that made these women fall in love with you initially, and dont adopt any of these bad habits that Ive described.
Now let me share some of the warning signs that you can use as feedback to let you know that youre getting off track and need to correct your course with your next girlfriend. When a good relationship starts to go south, 90% of the time it goes down something like this:
First, there is the Getting That Strange Feeling Stage. This is when a womans feelings toward her boyfriend or husband, subtly begin to shift. She herself may not even be aware of such a change, although she does find it curious that she isnt laughing as hard at her mans jokes any longer. Nor does she touch him in public anymore the way she did in the good old days.
An objective observer would notice that her enthusiasm towards her partner has become muted. Still, she has warm feelings for him, although she admits to herself she cant quite understand why she stared so long at the handsome new office manager at work. She even had a tingling sensation in her stomach.
These changes are occurring because all the things that her guy has been doing to lower her interest level are finally starting to take their toll. At this point her romantic Interest Level towards him is hovering somewhere between 51% and 60%.
Second, there is the Constant Arguing and Making up Stage. This is when her waning feelings cause her to start arguments. She will do things that she knows will upset her partner, hoping that he will do her dirty work for her break up the relationship. But like most men he doesnt have any idea that this is happening.
She is usually guilt-wracked at this stage and seldom departs for good because pity is the final vestige of emotion she has left for him. At this point, her romantic interest level has sunk to somewhere between 40% and 49%. Her body is there with him but not her heart.
Finally, there is the Armaggedon Blowup Stage. This is when she gets into a bitter, climactic argument with her man during which she will usually climb up on her soapbox (she probably instigated the quarrel herself) and act outraged that her man would dare lose his temper at such a trivial thing (she conveniently forgot they had a date for his fathers surprise birthday party and instead went out clubbing with her girlfriends).
With self-righteous indignation, she will inform the unfortunate guy that their relationship is irrevocably terminated. The guy of course is stunned by such a sudden breakup. In reality it wasnt sudden al all. Her Interest level started at 95% and sank to below 40% over time - and thats when she leaves.
So, remember guys, always be a Challenge and youll
never get set up to take a fall.
I am going through a nasty divorce, and you wouldnt believe how betrayed and discouraged Ive felt for the past six months. But Ive started to feel a bit more confident and optimistic lately, and I think Im about ready to get out there and start dating again. Perhaps it would be good for me at this point. Who knows? I might even meet a real sweetheart.
But since Ive been married for 13 years, and have been completely faithful the entire time, I have absolutely no clue as to how to date.
My single buddies tell me all kinds of horror stories about the singles scene, which are unbelievably discouraging. Are they exaggerating or is it really a jungle out there?
I am 33 years old and make serious money. Where do I start?
Francesco who is out of practice
Sorry that youve had to go through what youve been going through with your divorce. In the last 30 years, all the psychotherapists and relationship experts havent been able to make a dent in the divorce statistics. (50% of all marriages end in divorce, and two thirds of the time, its the woman who files first.)
Regardless of the statistics, keep in mind Francesco, that divorce is hard on the woman too. I think we all need to have compassion for poor Nicole Kidman. Remember, she will miss getting half of Tom Cruises $250 million. Luckily he filed 3 days before the tenth year of their marriage (California recognizes 10 years as a long-term marriage - if each is to get half of the joint property.)
Francesco, the truth is: It is a jungle out there. And that jungle is inhabited by an infinite number of feminine creatures who will think nothing of misleading you, leading you on, stroking you and using you. Your buddies dont have to exaggerate to frighten you; the truth is disturbing enough. But fear not Francesco, because The System that Ill coach you about will be your guiding beacon through the darkness and deception.
Lets start with the basics. First of all, take the time to get into good physical shape. If you dont belong to a gym, join one. Ideally an upscale athletic club that has a high percentage of women in their twenties and thirties as members. Start working out regularly, even if youd rather not. Youll look more attractive and youll feel more confident. (When youre radiating vitality and fitness, youll magnetize more babes.)
Once youre there, pumping up, dont stare at the girls in their tight leotards and dont come onto them with a lot of questions or comments. Just smile and say hi to the ones who smile at you, and every so often, casually ask one a question about her workout if it feels easy to do, (dont push). If she has any interest, shell make you feel comfortable and will ask you questions.
Check your personal hygiene. Make sure that you always smell good andn that your fingernails are always clean and trimmed. Get a good buddy to give you feedback about the overall state of your breath, because halitosis is an immediate turn-off to women, and you can easily have it and have no clue that you do.
Also be sure to dress well and appropriately for the situation, whatever it is, casual or dressy. And always wear nice shinny shoes. Even your gym shoes should be sharp and new. Women have a thing about shoes and they often make snap judgments about you according to the state of your footwear.
One of the very best places to meet women is at private parties wheremost of the guests know the host or hostess. People are much more open and friendly in this type of situation than they would be at a public celebration where anyone can just show up. Take advantage of your connection with the person giving the party, and ask him or her to introduce you to anyone whom youd like to meet, but may not be totally comfortable approaching by yourself.
Other great places to connect with females are classes and seminars where women usually outnumber men: yoga classes, dance classes, cooking classes, psychic awareness classes, and astrology classes.
Any seminar or workshop that has to do with New Age consciousness, relationships or personal development often has about two to three times as many women as men in attendance.
And, if you really want to be gutsy, try going to an adult education class similar to the one a friend of mine once went to: How to Organize Your Purse. He brought his backpack with him, and he was the only guy there. He connected with three different women.
Even more conventional organizations like Toastmasters are great. Church or Temple is also a fantastic place to meet women. And never miss an opportunity to attend my all time favorite event for meeting women: Weddings. Why? Because at weddings, everyone is up, happy, supportive, super friendly and love is in the air.
When attending any party or dance that is designed for singles, be aware that the Bow Wow Factor at these places is often quite high, and that the desirable girls who do attend, frequently have their defenses way up. Thats because its usually overstocked with guys who look and act like they havent had a date since the Civil War. So if youre going to go to singles events, try to get two or three of them lined up in one night. Get in and get out if its not happening at one, and move onto the next. With all the disadvantages to singles events, people still do hook up at these places. So go ahead and check them out for yourself.
If youre the kind of guy who feels comfortable scouting for dates at nightclubs, be sure to always go with a buddy, preferably someone who is very upbeat and animated. Youll look a lot more appealing if youre rapping and laughing with your pal than you would if you were standing there by yourself with an anxious look on your face.
Then, if any woman at the club looks right at you and smiles more than once, walk on over to her and playfully strike up a conversation. If she was smiling at you, to begin with, youll probably find that shell make it easy for you once you do approach. (Dont bother talking to any women who dont smile at you at all.)
Once you find yourself having a conversation with a woman whom youre interested in, wherever you are, make sure to keep the conversation light and positive. Keep your hands to yourself and check to see if she touches you at all. Its an encouraging sign if she does.
And remember guys; always, always make sure to ask her
for her home phone number.
I met this beautiful girl over a year ago and we ended up going out. I fell in love with her. We got to where we saw each other every day and basically did everything together. No girl had ever shown as much interest in me as she did. After we went out for 5 months, I went out of town for 2 weeks. When I got back, a guy friend of hers, who used to go out with her years ago, told me that he kissed her when I was out of town and that he was sorry.
I confronted my girlfriend about it and she told me that it was true, and that she was sorry. She said that it was wrong to even have had him over in the first place. I was hurt, and I broke up with her. After a couple of weeks I decided I over- reacted and went back to her.
Things were great after we got back together, and we communicated more than ever. We had a great relationship for about 6 more months, when one night we had a really long talk. She confessed that she had had sex with a guy (someone different from the one she kissed) about 2 months after we started going out. She said she didnt feel emotionally close to me yet at that time and felt that I was just going to break up with her soon anyway because thats what every other guy has done to her. She also said that she didnt really like this other guy either.
She said that having sex with him was her way of hurting me before I had a chance to hurt her. She said that after a while when she saw I wasn't like the other guys, she felt bad about what she had done, but didn't want to lose me by telling me. She said she was telling me now because she has changed and felt she needed to be completely honest and open with me.
Despite what she said, I couldn't get over the fact that she had cheated on me twice. I broke up with her a few days later, and now we have been broken up for about a month. She calls me all the time, telling me to come back, saying she has truly changed and has integrity now. I have also noticed that she doesn't lie to her friends like she used to. I love her and I want to go back to her, but I dont want be cheated on again. Should I trust her and go back to her, or should I move on?
Hunter who wants to know if she has really changed
You go out of town for two weeks and the kitty cat strays. Just imagine if you were out to sea with the Navy for 6 months. How loyal would this Desdemona be under those circumstances? Judging by her track record, Id say, maybe about as loyal as Liz Taylor would be in a mens room.
And as usual, you, the man, are supposed to overlook her transgressions and pretend nothing happened. Many women expect men to do this, but somehow dont seem to be able to do the same when the situation is reversed. Yes, hypocrisy is alive and well in womens lib land!
Hunter, I think you made the right decision when you decided to call it quits with this traitor. I do believe that she has strong feelings for you, but shes just not long-term-committed-relationship material. Why not? Well, she not only went to bed with another guy, while she was dating you, but she did it with a guy whom she didnt even like. To have done that, her self -esteem has to be pretty low. And if you get emotionally involved with someone with low self-esteem, youre in for one big train wreck down the line.
Id like to give her credit for confessing to you, but any woman with an ounce of common sense would know that even a man with tons of self confidence would be demolished by such a revelation. Her compulsion to reveal what she did only verifies that she doesnt know how to manage a relationship properly.
You also mentioned that she has a reputation for distorting the truth. How can you ever tell when a fibber has changed her ways? Its tough to know for sure. Id venture to guess that all her exes got rid of her quickly because her infidelity vibes are so strong.
The System says that in order to have a successful relationship, not only does the womans romantic Interest Level in you have to be extremely high, but she also has to have integrity. Now this gal passes the Interest Level test, but she gets an F on her Integrity examination.
Look Hunter, the mistake that a lot of men make, is that they fall for the party girl, marry the party girl, and then have to divorce the party girl. And who comes out the loser? The man of course.
The other love doctors, like Joyce Brothers and her ilk, would tell you to take her back and be more understanding. You need counseling" is their mantra.
Now if all you want is a party girl, you can take her back. But I can tell that youre the kind of guy who is looking for long-term love, and youre not going to find it with this hussy.
Remember, guys, once the kitty cat strays, it is over
unless you want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of
your life and wind up being the one emptying the litter
Im a personable guy with good social skills. When I meet a woman who I couldnt care less about, the conversation just flows. But why is it that the more attractive the woman is, the more my mind goes blank, my personality disappears and my lips just freeze?
Am I alone Doc, or do all guys go through this? And what about all those beautiful women? They have to go out with someone. I see a lot of them with guys who are not very handsome. What can I do to become more relaxed and confident with beautiful women and maybe win one for myself?
Clifford who wants to know why beautiful women are so intimidating
Youve asked some great questions. I think that most guys would agree that any woman who would merit a looks rating of 8.5 (out of 10) or higher, would certainly be considered beautiful. But for the sake of clarity, Im going to be discussing the most seductive creature on the face of the earth: The perfect 10. The A plus. The woman youd sell your soul for, no questions asked. Her natural habitat: urban centers of high finance, fashion, politics and the entertainment industry.
Clifford, youre not alone. Beautiful women intimidate most guys. In fact, plenty of guys get intimidated by average-looking women. But when you find yourself in the presence of a genetic celebrity of the female gender, the sense of longing and confusion can be overwhelming.
So why is this creature so intimidating? Well, first of all, since she can literally have just about any guy she wants, her standards are very very high. In almost all cases, to have any chance with her, you have to be rich and powerful, or extremely handsome, or a celebrity (even being a criminal celebrity will do) or, all of the above. Yes, the heavies go out with the heavies. (How often do you meet a beautiful woman whos dating an average looking, unemployed house painter?)
Secondly, youve got about the same chance of finding a beautiful woman, who is actually available, as you do at keeping Al Sharpton away from a TV news camera. Whenever she breaks up with anyone (and believe me, shes always the one doing the breaking), it takes about a millisecond for her to hook up with another one of the numerous suitors she keeps on a string. Shell never go it alone, because she doesnt have to.
Thirdly, wherever she goes, shes deluged with every form of male attention imaginable. From the most subtle, to the outrageously blatant. From the creepy come-ons of the bumbling morons, to the slick propositions of the street-smart media moguls. Besides these, there are the guys who just get in her space, too timid to speak to her, but who are hoping for one glorious moment of eye contact. A brief smile from her would send most of these guys into orbit.
Yes, shes heard it all, and, she sees it all and she feels it all. All the vibes of lust and longing perpetually projected at her. So, shes usually more than a little bit jaded. And the power she wields is mind-boggling. Shes also well aware of the immense power she wields, but shell never cop to it.
Not only is she constantly bombarded with male attention, but also shes also extremely spoiled. Men fall all over themselves to try to please her in any way they can. Endless compliments, outrageous gifts, free shopping sprees on Rodeo Drive, all expenses paid trips to the finest resorts in the world, invitations to parties with the rich, famous and powerful; all these things and more comprise the cornucopia of delights offered to her on a regular basis. (You dont see average -looking women at Hefs house, do you?)
To make matters worse, men just dont say no to her. Shes used to always getting her way. Shes never had anyone break a date with her. (Although shes apt to break a date at the last minute without a thought, if a bigger, better deal comes along.) And, shes never been rejected in her entire life. Compare her experience to yours Clifford.
Because of all these factors, it is extremely difficult to find a solid 10 who is a flexible, sweet, giving person. Most of them are quite demanding and also incredibly self absorbed. (You would be, too, if you were being worshipped as a virtual deity everyday, like, Claudia Schiffer for instance.) But also be aware, that as we move down the beauty scale into the 8 range or below, the Spoiledness Factor goes down, and giving and flexibility go up.
Now Clifford, if all these brutal facts havent dissuaded you from your quest, let us move forward, boldly and bravely, keeping in mind that there are some devastatingly gorgeous women out there who do have heart and soul and are not total mercenaries or users.
The key to getting comfortable with approaching beautiful women is to practice practice practice, on the not so beautiful women. Practice on the 6s and 7s, the Cs, C pluses and the B minuses. Find where your threshold is. If you find that youre pretty confident with 7s but not with 8s, then push the envelope just a taste, and try the same kind of approach on the low 8s. Dont bite off more than you can chew.
Picture yourself as an athlete in training who is slowly but surely, improving his game. Think of each encounter as practice for the next one. Expect to be rejected over and over and dont take it personally. Youll begin to notice that once in a while, you will get a positive response. The more you practice without being attached to the outcome, the more success you will have. Clifford, think of yourself as a soldier of love on training mission, honing his skills.
And heres a technique to use that will improve your success with beautiful women even more quickly, if you have the cajones to try it: Simply say Hi to every single woman youre interested in, and dont end the conversation without uttering these words: Whats your home phone number. Say those words every single time you talk to a woman youre interested in no matter how aloof she seems. If the only thing you find yourself able to say is Hi. and then: Whats your home phone number? and nothing in-between, thats fine. Youre charming patter will come with practice. Do that for ninety days and youll really be building some courage and competence.
As you keep pitching the beauties, youre going to wind up with some phone numbers. The more attractive the woman is, the more likely it will be that she will cancel any date that you make with her once you call. But some of the beautiful ones will actually keep the date. Then, once youre out with youre A plus, use The System and be a Challenge. By doing that, youll be able to win her over and, more importantly keep her.
Remember guys, beautiful women respond to looks, money, power and celebrity. But theres one other thing they respond to above all and thats a guy who is a Challenge. A guy who isnt seeking her approval. A guy who can say no to her once in awhile without flinching. A guy who is unpredictable and doesnt let her know if he really likes her or not.
By the way Clifford, all those unattractive guys who you
see with the stunningly beautiful babes. Theyre either
rich and powerful or
theyre a Challenge.
I need your advice on a girl I'm interested in. She is in my Latin dance class. I have known this girl for about three weeks now. I thought she was cute the first time I saw her, but she seemed sort of shy. So I figured that I'd just talk to her a little and see if she was personable enough to even consider pursuing romantically.
Well, the first time I talked to her I found out she had a boyfriend. She didn't mention him to scare me away; the topic just came up. At that point I decided not to even consider pursuing her at all. But then every time I saw her, she would flirt with me. She even pinched me on the rear end once. So I figured maybe I had a chance. This girl was really starting to grow on me, even though I had already said to myself to forget about it. Anyway, I ended up getting her phone number.
I called her up one night and we talked for about 20 minutes. I asked her if I could come over and see her. She said she was busy working on her taxes and that her boyfriend had just borrowed her car to go see a movie. He was due back in an hour, so she didn't think coming over would be okay.
At our next dance class, she was giving me a major attitude. She just seemed much less interested in me. So I used a strategy that I thought would turn her attitude around. I started really ignoring her. Now her attitude is gone. My question to you is this: what should I do now?
Should I ask this girl on a "date"? Or should I just try to be friends with her. You might be wondering why I think this girl is even worth the time of day. Well, mainly it's because she seems nervous around me. It's like she doesnt know what to say. I take this as a positive sign. So Doc, what do you think?
Emmett - who seeks your expert advice
I understand why youre confused by this girls behavior. She tells you up front that she has a boyfriend and simultaneously she flirts with you. And women say that men are inconsistent! A girl like that is so skilled at putting out mixed messages, she could make a lie detector blow a fuse.
Having a boyfriend doesnt stop a lot of women from flirting like a lap dancer who still hasnt made her rent for the month. Guys, have you ever had a girl at a party do everything but lick your face on the dance floor, only to have her reveal that she has a boyfriend when you ask her for her phone number? Ah, life would be so simple if women never gave men ambiguous signals. Yet, perhaps, not as interesting.
Anyway, dont worry Emmett, I will help you to find out what your dancing darlings true intentions are. First, be aware, that the fact that she has a boyfriend, didnt just come up accidentally in your initial conversation with her. Any time a girl brings up her boyfriend, it s on purpose. Sometimes to let you know that shes popular, or more often to say Dont make any moves, Buddy.
The question we need to answer is: If shes happy with her boyfriend, why is she behaving in a way which could be interpreted that shes romantically interested in you? (To you Psych majors: if shes already in love, why is she honking your horn and giving you her home phone number?) Is she just mischievously enjoying making you think that theres hope for you, or is she trolling for a backup guy to move in once she dumps her current beau? (Perhaps someone who has it together enough to have his own car?) Remember that many women are like a chimp in a tree; they wont let go of one branch until theyve gotten hold of another one.
What tells us that shes possibly ready for a different man in her life, is the fact that shes nervous around you. Theyre never nervous when they have low Interest Level. So allow let me tell you how it might be:
Shes with her old boyfriend out of habit. Her Interest Level in him has sunk to somewhere between 40 and 49%, but no one interesting enough has come along to warrant her going through the hassle of getting rid of him. You are a potential candidate, but she needs to check you out further. (And you need to be more of a Challenge to raise her Interest Level in you.)
To determine if this really is the case, I recommend that you do more of the kind of things you did when you turned her attitude around. Keep ignoring her. Talk to all the other female dance students and get them laughing in front of her. When she sees you having a good time with them, it will help your cause.
Then, in a week or two, ask her to have lunch with you. If she gives you any static about being out with you one on one, then youll know that shes just kicking tires, and that its time for you to move on to a new adventure. Why? The Reality Factor says a man should never try to date someone who doesnt want to date him.
If she accepts the lunch date and she shows up, keep her laughing as much as you can while youre out together. Do not touch her or try to kiss her or tell her how pretty she is. And, when you end the lunch date, dont mention getting together again. By doing those things, shell see you as intriguing and mysterious. After that, let her approach you for the next rendezvous, and then maintain the same strategy. Dont come on to her.
If she had authentic romantic Interest Level in you to begin with, at this point, it will have risen considerably. Soon enough, shell come on to you in a way that will leave you without any doubts.
So Emmett, just kick back and be a Challenge, and dont be attached to the outcome. (Dont make her the center of your life.) Meanwhile, keep getting the home phone numbers of other girls!
Remember guys; women dont say: I have low
Interest Level in you. If they did, Id be out of
Dear Doc Love:
I'm interested in purchasing your SYSTEM, but I would like to know if it works for everyone. I've noticed that most women will not go with a man if he isn't taller than she is, and I'm only 5'-6" tall. Also, I'm balding and I know that a lot of women prefer men with a full head of hair. So I'd like to know if your SYSTEM would still work for a guy like me, because I've had a lot of trouble in dating in the past. Thank you.
Dallas who wants to know if he has a chance
When the average female is questioned as to what she primarily looks for when choosing a potential partner, the first thing out of her mouth is usually: "A great sense of humor." Dallas, I think you know all too well that that is not a complete answer. Laughter is near the top of the list, but most women place a greater importance on physical appearance than they'll ever admit.
If you want to enlist in the Army, you have to pass the Physical. If you want to get a date with a woman, you also have to pass the Physical, that is; the Physical Attraction Test. The woman gives this test. It takes place in a split second and the more attractive she is, the fewer the number of guys there will be who pass the test. Most women will screen a guy in or out instantaneously at first sight, before he even opens his mouth.
Adding to this challenge, is the fact that women in general are a lot choosier than men are. Why? Because men aren't so picky, so women can afford to be. Any woman will always have a greater number of potential partners interested in dating her than she herself will be interested in dating. The greater her beauty, the greater number of suitors she will encounter, but even a woman of diminished beauty will have considerably more dating options than a male who is equally compromised in the looks department. So even a girl who looks like Janet Reno gets to pick and choose, albeit from a less desirable pool of men.
When you have the luxury of choosing, you choose what you prefer, and any gal who tells you that she doesnt have a particular physical type of man whom she prefers, is about as honest as a snake oil salesperson. All you have to do is compare photos of her last five boyfriends and youre guaranteed to find some interesting similarities.
Herein lies the problem in dating. For example, some women do not like blond guys. No matter how handsome "Blondie" is to various women on the street, this particular woman does not like blond guys. So "Blondie" asks her for her phone number and she says: "Give me your business card" which is Womanese for, "You dont turn me on and I hope I never see you again."
Regardless of the physical type a particular woman usually goes for, its the tall, handsome, hunky guys who get picked most often. And note that the first word in the classic, womens holy trinity; "tall dark and handsome" is "tall". Guys, if you happen to be tall, you have an advantage over men of average or less than average height. Thats just the way it is. And finding a woman who prefers a man who is shorter than she is, is about as easy as finding an uneaten donut in the dressing room at a full figured fashion show. Whereas a woman can be 4-11 and still have lots of guys after her. Now any guy whos that short had better go looking for dates at a midgets convention.
The baldness issue is less problematic. These days you can have a shaved head and be thought of as sexy. Half the groups on MTV have at least one baldy in the band. And there are plenty of women who either dont care about a guys lack of hair, or are actually turned on by a chrome dome. Remember that baldness is considered to be a masculine trait. So in one sense, a man is more masculine if hes bald, whereas a bald woman would be considered less feminine.
Dallas, because you are of less than average height, your pool of available women is smaller and your odds are less, but by no means are you out of the race. To begin to attract the kind of woman you desire, first ask yourself: "How am I going to play the cards Ive been dealt?" Am I fun to be with? Is my apartment clean and well decorated? Can a Pussycat drink out of my toilet? Does my car look like wharf rats live inside it? Do I know the crucial dos and don'ts to follow on a first date? The System will teach you.
Remember that a great personality and high self-esteem will take you far. One day a guy called me and said he would like to have a private seminar, just for himself and his buddy. I met them at the local coffee shop and we talked for 2 hours. The man who called was a salesman, tall and looked like Brad Pitt. His friend was a carpenter, short and losing his mop. They had been best buddies since 5th grade. As I talked with these two, something strange occurred. The short guy became tall and better looking and the pretty boy became average looking.
Why? Because what Moms say is true: Its whats on the inside that counts. But God in his wisdom made some women look like Caprice, the super model, and others look like Rosie ODonnell. He made Mel Gibson and he made Danny DeVito. You as a man should ask: Does Danny have confidence? Is he a strong person, attitude wise? Is he personable and likable?
Dallas, more women are going to find Antonio Banderas better looking than you. But there are plenty of gorgeous women out there who will find you attractive. Remember you need only one good woman who has high Interest Level in you. You dont need fifty. The important questions are: When you meet Miss Right, are you going to have the guts to close and say: I would be honored to have your home phone number. And once you start dating her, how will you win her heart? And once you do, how will you keep her? Using the System will spare you from years of costly trial and error that no man can afford.
Remember, guys, if you dont have the looks of
Pierce Brosnan, you better have a System.
Say Doc Love,
OK, here is my problem. I'm a freshman in college, and I recently met this girl whom I immediately was crazy about. There was just something about her that was different from other girls Id met and dated before. So we talked, got to know each other, the usual, and then started the whole dating type relationship.
My roommate was out of town for the weekend, so one of those nights after we'd done the dinner and a movie thing, she spent the night on the couch. We'd only been together for about a week at this point, so nothing real big happened, but it went really well in every other way. It was pretty clear we were both into each other a lot.
At one point during breakfast, she said she wanted to tell me something, and it turned out to be that back home (San Diego for her), she had dated this guy for about 2 years, then broke up with him the summer before she came to college. Then, right before she moved, they apparently got back together somewhat. She assured me that she told him that she wanted to see other people, and that I shouldnt worry, because she wanted to only see me now.
Then, the next day, her dad came to visit her, and so I didnt talk to her until that night. When I did, she seemed very distant, and depressed, which she attributed to being homesick after her dad left. So we hung out a little while, then, I made a crucial mistake. I figured that since it was pretty obvious we both liked each other a lot, I'd try to cheer her up by telling her my feelings. Big mistake.
I told her how I felt about her, how I hadn't really felt that way about anyone before, how she meant a lot to me, etc. She said that she didnt really know what she felt about it at the time, but just not to expect her to be at that point right away. So, I said I understood, and that I wasnt trying to push her. The rest of that night, she continued to be fairly distant. But then, the "distance" grew each day, and after a couple days, I went to talk to her, and told her that I had gotten overly emotional and that even though I meant all that I had said, Id said it too soon. So I apologized for that. I told her I didnt want it to make things weird, which I could sense it had. So I asked if we could just kinda put that behind us and start over. She said, "I don't really know what to say to that, so I'm not going to say anything."
Ever since then, I've only talked to her once, and she acted very distant. I really like her, and feel totally different about her than I have about anyone. I don't want things to be completely ruined because of my one mistake. Is there some way I can communicate this to her, or is there anything at all I can do to patch this up?
Dershawn who really needs to be helped out
Dershawn, my man, I feel for you. Its tough when you really connect with someone and then they suddenly emotionally withdraw. Most of us men have had similar experiences, but its obvious that this gal was a lot more hung up on her ex than she revealed to you.
I dont think she gave you the straight story about why and how they sort of broke up. Still, it doesnt matter what the story was. The Bottom Line Factor says that she was pretty much emotionally unavailable to begin with. Although, if her Interest Level in you had been above 50% and you had been a Challenge, you still might have been able to wean her off her old boyfriend and have owned her heart in time.
Challenge is so powerful it wipes out your competition - even ex-boyfriends who are barely hanging on - but only if the woman has at least 51% Interest Level going in. We dont really know where her Interest Level in you started, but we do know that now its lower than the Titanic. The bad news is that if you make mistakes with a women she remembers - therefore after it is over you cannot go back.
The good news is that this is a tremendous opportunity for you to learn from your mistakes. So with a spirit of optimism, lets take a look at how you blew it, knowing that if you follow The System from now on, youll never have to experience this kind of pain again.
First of all, you were talking to her and seeing her too often, hence, she saw you as too available (a non-Challenge). She may be the only girl youve dated in five years, but you still want her to wonder how many other girls youre going out with. Remember, kitty kats kompeat.
You also mentioned that she became homesick after her Dad left. This was a big red flag. I know she was really missing her ex, not her Dad. Thats when you should have disappeared rather than trying to console her by bleeding your guts out and telling her you were gaga over her. When she said, I dont know what to say, she was saying in Womanese, My Interest level in you is half as much as yours is in me. Yours was 80% and hers was 40%.
At this point Dershawn, if you do any more apologizing, youre just going to get more of the same from her, and youll just feel worse. So as they say in the Hollywood casting agents office, "Next!"
Guys, in a situation like this, cleanup is just not
possible. And why not? Because women are like elephants,
they never forget. Once a womans Interest Level goes
below 50%, she may stay, but her heart is gone forever. So
remember, always allow the woman to come on heavy first.
I went out with a few friends from college and I hit it off very well with this gal who was part of the group. We were having fun laughing the whole evening. We had tons in common. She was also quite tactile and touchy, but I didnt touch her.
More than a week later, I asked her friend for her number and her friend told me she'd match us up. Well, the gal called me within a day. We had a good chat and she gave me her home phone number.
I asked her out for a date for a week or so later on a weeknight. This date was with the same friends we went out with the first time, so it was four of us. We had a good time, although I'll say the first time was much better, but still we had fun and I noticed that once again she "unintentionally" touched me here and there.
She sort off made a point to ask me if I wanted some school papers, something relevant to what I'm doing in one of my classes, but it looked like it was a way for her to further the contacts between us. We didn't kiss at the end of the date at all; she just thanked me and left, but mentioned we should be in contact. So Doc, do you think she wants to be in contact as a friend or that shes interested in more than just friendship?
Parker - who wants to know what his next move should be
You did the right thing when you let her do all the touching. When most guys meet a woman theyre interested in, theyre immediately all over her like cheese on pizza, mistakenly thinking that they will raise the womans interest level by being Mister Touchy Feely. Actually the opposite is true.
When you hold back and refrain from touching her at all, you are seen as more alluring and more of a Challenge. If you keep putting your hands on her, you inhibit her desire to touch you. When you dont touch her, she gives you points for being distinctly different from the rest of her salivating suitors who invade her space.
But lets back up a little bit. The fundamentally positive point here Parker is that this gal was touching you. You could have had the cooties, but she didn't care! Listen guys; when you first meet a woman and you begin to spend a little time with her, one of the most important signs of her high Interest Level that you must look for, is some form of touching on her part. It might just be a tap on the shoulder or a bump of the elbow, but any small amount of touching is often a big deal. Most of the time, women who are not interested in you will not touch you at all, and women who are interested in you, will touch you, at least in some way.
Let me break it down further for you for more clarity. The System says that there are basically three types of Touchers:
1) Women who touch everyone: Universal Touchers (10%) 2) Women who touch and mislead because thats all you are going to get: Strokers (10%) 3) Women who touch because they have high Interest Level (80%).
Also Parker, its good that you two laughed a lot on your first date. That means you stayed off the heavy subjects. The average guy wants to reveal the entire story of his frustrated life before his date has finished her appetizer. He acts as if hes having a session with a $150 an hour therapist where hed better spill his guts out as fast as he can to be sure he gets his money's worth. Unwittingly he is lowering his dates Interest Level by destroying any sense of mystery, which is extremely crucial in the first 60 days of the relationship.
Now let me tell you Parker, that you did make two crucial mistakes. First of all, you should have asked her for her home phone number when you first met her, so you could have judged her Interest Level. The idea is to watch and see if she hems and haws or not when you ask her for the number. So you missed a valuable opportunity because you didnt take control from the get go.
It amazes me how many men have about as much confidence as a wounded snail when it comes to being direct and simply saying: "Whats your home phone number?" When you say those five magic words to her, you not only receive immediate valuable feedback, but its also the stronger, more masculine thing to do.
Instead, Parker, you took a weaker approach and went through her girlfriend. Fortunately, in this rare instance, your girlfriends girlfriend actually helped you. But more often than not, friends are undependable, or misconstrue what really is going on.
Your other mistake was going out with her friends again. Its tough enough to rate Interest Level in the beginning stages when you are alone with a girl, but with a crowd, it s darn near impossible. She could have been putting on a show for them or she might have been inhibited by them and would have been even more demonstrative if you were alone together. We dont know, but we should. The good part is that she continued touching you.
This girl is too new to rate but it appears that if you call and get a third rendezvous youll be in the running. But this time make it a one on one date. No more double dating for now. Just make sure that by the end of the next date, you kiss her or at least try to. If she responds affectionately, youll know that her Interest Level in you is on the high side rather than the low side. If she turns her head and gives you "the cheek", you should write her off and move on, my brother.
Remember guys, first and foremost, be bold and direct.
Ask for the home phone number with no apologies, which shows
her you have confidence.
My name is Brett. Im a sophomore in college. I met
this wonderful girl
But then, right after our one-month anniversary, she said
that she wants
My problem is that I am not sure if I should wait for us to get serious again. She said that she wants to date for a while because she thinks that we got serious too early. I really don't know what I should do. Should I wait or keep my options open? I really like her a lot, but I don't want to wait if shes just going to just leave me.
Brett who is not sure what he should do next
You dont know what you should do, ugh? Well, the first thing you should do is see a tailor so you can keep your lip zipped. It sounds to me as if you two started exchanging I love yous by about the middle of your second date, and Ill bet you a new Brittany Spears calendar that you were the one to say it first. Always let the woman bring up the L word first, and dont echo it back until youve had some extended time in with her. The Reality Factor says that you can never come on too slow with a girl, only too fast.
During the first 60 days of dating, she doesnt lose points by saying I love you but you do! Yes, thats right. Its politically incorrect and its called a double standard. So Brett, when she says it again, you should answer humorously with a DeNiro impression; What, you talkin to me? If this seems harsh, remember that this girl is telling you in one breath that she loves you and in another that she wants to slow things down. So much for language and logic!
Brett, I want to tell you something important that you wont hear from the other relationship experts: In the early stages of courtship, in order to feel romantically stimulated, men and women have differing needs. Men primarily need to have the experience of being accepted by a woman, while women primarily need to have the experience of having to wonder if the guy whom they are interested in, really likes them or not, and to what degree. Sounds pretty wild, huh? But its true.
So how are you going to create that sense of mystery that she requires in order to fall in love, if you tell her how much you love her right away? You cant. So dont tell her you love her too soon and shell love you more and sooner. And by the way, dont attempt to verify this fact with women, because more often than not they will deny it and will only confuse you even more.
Brett, youve got to understand that a sure fire way to sabotage a potentially great relationship is to come on heavy verbally; reveal too much about yourself too soon; and let her know that your Interest Level in her is higher than Bill Gatess net worth. When you do that, youre being the opposite of a Challenge and women above all want a guy who is a mystery, even though they will never admit it.
For the first 60 days, self-disclosure about your feelings toward the girl whom youre dating should be strictly rationed. Besides, it takes at least two months to begin to know someone well enough to have any real sense as to whether they are lifetime partner material, or just someone to party with.
Before those critical 60 days have passed, keep it light and keep her laughing. As one of our great modern philosophers, Cindy Lauper once said, Girls just want to have fun, and theres more practical wisdom in that than you know. Youve got to save the whole, Wow, you really are my soulmate, conversation for way down the line, and let her be the one to bring it up because it is always better for both of you if she thinks that it is her idea to begin with.
Brett, your problem is that you allowed yourself to get too comfortable way too soon. And worse, you let her know that were overjoyed to be with her. But, if her Interest Level is still above 50%, we can save this relationship by backing off slightly. So: no more I love yous for now on, cut down your dates with her to once a week, and dont talk to her on the phone except to make a date. Start thinking like a guy, not a gal, and stop worrying about where the relationship is going. Instead, relax and allow Challenge to work its magic. You job is to always keep it light and fun and lay off the heavy subjects.
Listen, Brett, two things happen in a relationship; you either break up, or worse, you get married. The Reality Factor says that all breakups are never mutual. One person always dumps the other and 90% of the time the woman dumps the man or drives him nuts so he dumps her (she gets him to do her dirty work for her). Then we hear the excuse, It didnt work out, which means in Womanese: He turned me off, lowered my Interest Level, and then I dropped him like the bad habit that he was.
Remember, guys, until she will rob banks for you, do not
come on heavy. If you cannot learn to control your mouth,
forget women and join the monastery.
Im a little confused about what to do. My ex-girlfriend is trying to come back into my life. We had been dating for almost two years. We never fought, always got along, were totally in love. Shes a beautiful girl and I myself have never had problems meeting women. We both worked at Hooters where she always had guys pursuing her, and I had dated most of the girls that worked there. So we were both I guess somewhat confident and always a Challenge to each other. I just knew from the day I met her that she was the one I would marry.
Well Doc, the problem is, about ten months ago, she left me for a Med student who will soon be a doctor. He has money, and bought her everything she wanted, so she didn't have to work anymore. They were moving overseas to finish his schooling, and she was going to marry him and live on a tropical island. I couldnt believe it when she left but I told her I was happy for her, and what could I do but move on with my life.
Before long, I was dating new girls, and having a blast being single. Then she called me a couple of weeks ago; to tell me that she thought the money would make her happy, but that shes miserable with her new guy. They do nothing but fight. Hes not a Challenge. Hes jealous and possessive and she realizes hes tried to buy her love and that she doesnt respect him. Now she says that she really only wants me and would give up everything and move back if I would please give her a second chance.
Tex - who wants to know what he should do
You showed a lot of class when you wished her the best after she stabbed you in the heart and broke off the handle. You could have done what most guys do and either acted like a whining wimp and begged her to stay or screamed and yelled like a Macho Boy and called her abusive names. But you took the higher ground, the road less traveled. So you get an A in self-control and now shes getting her just deserts.
To get clear about what to do next, Tex, let's take an objective look at what was really going on with the two of you. The truth is that you may have had her body, but you didnt have her heart, because when Mister Med School flashed the cash, she jumped ship. So now you know that as far as her relationship with you was concerned, she really didnt give a hoot. Yes, she was interested in you, but her interest was higher in Fort Knox. What a phony. By the way she acted, you couldnt help but believe that she was in love with you, and then out of nowhere, she takes off to marry someone else! Trusting her to do the right thing is like trusting a klepto-maniac to count up the church donations. Think about it.
And now that she realizes that she made a big mistake, she expects you to roll over and take her back like its no big deal? Yikes! Shes got cajones the size of papayas. Tex, if you were to take her back, youd start feeling like a real chump and shed lose all the respect she had left for you. She might not be completely aware of it, but deep down, shed be thinking of you as a pliable, spineless wuss. Also realize that if you were to let her back into your life, youd never be able to relax, knowing that if another guy with lots of money came along, you could easily get burned again. So as far as youre concerned, shes permanently branded with a big M, for Mercenary, and youre not hiring.
Sometimes its difficult to really understand your own situation when youre in the middle of it. For some perspective, Tex, imagine that Meg Ryan was to become disenchanted with her new beau, Russell Crowe, and then expected Dennis Quaid to take her back. If Dennis were to cave in and tell her that all is forgiven, hed look like a real loser with no self-respect, dont you think?
Tex, taking her back is a no win for you. Shed feel better and youd feel worse. So forgive her, but you must tell her to take a hike and go fly a kite. Why? Because she broke the bond of trust, which is one third of Integrity.
The System says that when someone is
trustworthy, his or her behavior is predictable, and this
girl threw you for a loop. So remember guys, once a woman
strays, you cannot afford to have her in your life, because
trust is non-negotiable and she knows you are weak because
you let her get away with it. Once respect is gone, there
can be no Interest Level.
Dear Doc Love,
I was hoping that you could interpret some of my girlfriend's actions (We're both about to turn 21). We've been seeing each other for almost 9 months now and things are going great. I would say her Interest Level towards me is hovering above 90 percent. Here's the story: She told me that she went out with a few of her friends last night and that she had gotten another piercing in her ear. Then she started talking about tattoos. What it came down to was that she had gone to a downtown tattoo parlor and got one etched on her back, and I'm pretty conservative on stuff like that. Anyway, it's fairly tasteful and I guess I don't really have a big problem with it. She was really worried that I would be angry because she knows how I feel about tattoos. I wasn't angry, so it wasn't a big deal, but I think she might be disappointed in herself.
Also, while they were shopping she apparently saw this beautiful ring in a jewelry store that she just loves. She's not very big on jewelry so this surprised me. She seemed to make it clear that she wants the ring even though she said, "I don't really want it, I just thought it was beautiful."
Then, as we were driving back to my office, we passed a really cool looking Jeep and I commented on it. Then she came right out and said, "If you had a Jeep like that, I would get so turned on every time I saw you in it, I wouldnt be able to control myself." What the hell? OK, she's told me she likes Jeeps, but what was that all about. All that did was make me feel like my Mercury Sable makes me inadequate.
Do you think if I bought a Jeep her Interest Level would hit 100 percent or do you think she was trying to tell me something else? Why did she go out and get a tattoo? She's never wanted one before now. Why is she talking about buying rings, but doesn't want to get "too serious" because we're so young? Damned Womanese.
Keith who is dazed and confused on a Friday afternoon
Dude, you are definitely confused in more ways than one. You think that a girl can behave like this and still have 90% Interest Level in you! Shes got you more mixed up than a fruit smoothie. Unfortunately you are doing what too many other men also do. They over rate the womans Interest Level towards themselves and they project their own high Interest Level onto her. Just because you like her a lot and she lets you call her "girlfriend" that doesnt mean that shes gone over you. It is an unfortunate fact of life that many women will spend a lot a time with a guy without having any true romantic interest in him (40-49%). So how do we know that she doesnt truly care for you? The Bottom Line Factor says that her behavior is confusing and inconsistent; tell tale signs of low Interest Level. Women with high Interest Level dont keep doing things that baffle you. In fact, women who like you help you.
Lets talk about the tattoo. You say it wasnt a big deal. But Keith, it was a big deal. She was worried that you would be angry about it, but not worried enough to not get it! A girl with high Interest Level and a good attitude that knows you dont like tattoos would either never have gotten it, or at least would have somehow included you in her decision to get it. Furthermore, she would have found a way for you both to feel OK about it (like getting a press on instead of a permanent one). If we translate your girlfriends Womanese into English, what she was really saying was: Im doing this cuz I want to, and screw you. She needs to rebel, so shes made you into an authority figure that she can rebel against, and she proved that she has no respect for you when she sacrificed her tender flesh to the burly biker Tattoo Master. Now she has a permanent symbol of her disrespect for you emblazoned on her body - forever.
Next she plays with your head about the ring and then she puts down your car. Why are you with her? Together your ages are forty, but while you act twenty-five, she acts like shes fifteen. You sound like an opened-minded guy, but she should be dating someone in a band, not you. You two are like oil and water.
Keith, you are in denial, and I am not talking about the river in Egypt. Wake up and look at the huge red warning flags waving in front of your face. If you want to have a successful, mutually rewarding, long-term relationship with a woman, she must have a good attitude and this dudette gets an F on her attitude report card. Shes a walking contradiction. She wants to hang out with the punky tattoo piercing freaks and also have you drive her around in a $40,000 jeep, plus buy her expensive jewelry. Assuming she means what she says, it sounds as if she sees you more as a bank than as a boyfriend.
Keith, I know I may sound a bit harsh but its my job to keep you from becoming a divorce statistic. In the future, when she asks you how you feel about some other stupid thing, just say: If it makes you happy Honey, Im happy. Meanwhile you should be thinking about dating other women.
Listen, guys, I would never tell you to get rid of someone, because thats only your choice, but I will tell you what your odds of having a good relationship are with a particular woman. Remember, you have to be with a gal with a good attitude and high Interest Level. If either one of those is missing, the Love Boat aint gonna' float.
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