|
Menstuff® has compiled information
and books on the issue of Relationships.
This section is the 2000 Archive of
DocLove's weekly column featured daily on
our homepage. Doc Love is a talk show
host, entertainment speaker, and coaches
men in his seminars. For the past 30 years
he has asked thousands of women, "Why do
you stay with one man versus another?" He
is the author of the Master Series,
available at www.doclove.com
DocLove will answer all of your
romantic love questions from a man’s
perspective. So, set your ego aside, learn
to laugh at yourself, and e-mail him at
doclove@doclove.com
or call 800.404.2644 and he will give you
a snappy answer to your silly love
question – one loaded with truth. You
do what he says, and Miss Right will rob
banks for you. When he gets done with you,
you will need more security than Julio
Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty,
he promises not to use your real name, or
give it out. All questions will be
answered, but only the ones of general
interest printed. Please be specific and
don’t ramble. Can a Man Avoid Game
Players when Using the
Pesonals? I’m addicted to watching the show
“Blind Date.” Here in Los
Angeles it plays twice a day, once at six
and then again at eleven. Each show is
different and it is absolutely fascinating
to watch, even more so now that I have an
understanding of “The
System.” One of the things that has really
struck me since I’ve gotten hip to
your philosophy is seeing how many
different guys bring up the subject of sex
or make sexual innuendoes on the date. I
would say that eight out of ten guys do
it. And, just about every single time they
do, you can see the girl, their date,
either cringe or back away or look
disappointed or annoyed or even get
insulted, depending on the way that the
guy brings up the subject. I know that you say to never talk about
sex at all during the first sixty days of
dating. When I heard that, I knew you were
right but after watching many, many
episodes of “Blind Date I really see
how it backfires every time. I have never
seen it work to the guy’s advantage
in any way. It’s a stupid thing to do
isn’t it? So why do us guys talk about sex on a
first date so frequently? And why do we
continue to do it throughout the date even
when it’s blatantly obvious that the
woman is getting turned off? How have we
all become so programmed to think that we
have to be Mr. Sexy and that women like
that when they obviously don’t? Please, Doc, share your insights. Donovan - who just wants to know
why Hi Donovan, I’m glad that your awareness level
has gone up. You’ve done what most
guys are unable to do. You’ve set
your ego aside. When you’re able to
do that, you can see things as they really
are, not how you think they should be. Way
too many guys think that talking about
sex, nudity and private bodily functions
on a first date, is a positive, helpful
thing to do. But, as we observe
people’s behavior from an objective
perspective, the brutal truth is revealed:
talking about sex on a first date is
destructive. I’ll tell you Donovan; I’ve
watched numerous episodes of “Blind
Date” myself. It’s quite
entertaining and educational too. I’m
able to determine, as soon as the door
opens, whether the guy has a chance or
not, because I can read the subtleties of
body language. I can predict the outcome
of the date way before he torpedoes the
whole deal by making an erotic innuendo in
the first minute and a half. So I definitely encourage you to
continue watching the show. You can learn
a great deal from it. Keep fine tuning
your body language reading skills, and see
how early into the segment you can
‘call it’ as to whether or not
the guy is going to get a really nice kiss
at the end of the date. (The host almost
always comments on the type of kiss the
guy got from the girl, or the absence of a
kiss.) And, yes indeed, it is absolutely mind
boggling to see how many guys, time after
time after time, sabotage any chance they
have with the woman by talkin' trash. Here are some actual examples of the
types of things guys say, from episodes of
“Blind Date” that were
broadcast. They range from subtly uncool
to quite crass to downright
disgusting: “Where’s the strangest place
you’ve ever made love?” “Have you ever considered
working as a stripper?” "I can see that you sure do take
good care of your … body.” “Have you ever run naked on
the beach? So how many different guys have
you been with?” “My oh my you do have a fine
booty.” “You’re a teacher? Hmmm - I
guess every college freshman’s
fantasy is to have sex with his beautiful
teacher.” “So did you hear the one about the
frog who couldn’t stop
farting?” Yes, Donovan, the average guy seems to
have the idea that if he makes juvenile
comments about his date’s body, that
she will think that he is clever and
confident. He thinks that she will
experience him as being extra masculine
and gutsy if he tells a tasteless joke.
But Mr. Macho Boy is an idiot. His
behavior is having the opposite effect of
what he imagines, plus, he fails to read
her negative signals, facial expressions
and body language. How has the American male become
brainwashed into thinking that this kind
of behavior is productive? I lay much of
the blame on Hollywood and the Music
Industry. In fictional fantasy La La Land,
the Hero gets away with all kinds of
things that would never play in real life.
In Rap videos, the music star bumps and
grinds and talks trash, while hordes of
gorgeous women do nothing but worship him.
It doesn’t take much exposure to this
kind of craziness to warp your values. Hollywood brainwashing, along with a
lack of positive mentors and role models
for boys, no fathers in the home and an
overall lack of education about manners,
are the other contributing factors.
Donovan, tell all your buddies that they
do not gain anything by talking about sex
on a date. When they do, they do not
become more interesting or charming or
sexy. If a girl has super high Interest Level
in a guy, then she’ll overlook these
kinds of comments, but, THEY STILLL DO
NOTHING to RAISE HER INTEREST LEVEL IN
HIM! On the average first date, the guy
starts out with the girl having about 60
to 70 percent Interest Level in him at
best, so he cannot afford to go down that
risqué’ road. Talk of sex or nudity or intimate
bodily functions is high-risk activity.
About 95% of the time, nice girls, even
ones who read Cosmo, don’t want to
talk about something so personal and
intimate with someone they don’t
know. And think about this. How would you
like if some guy went out with your little
sister and stated talking about
“getting laid” on the first
date? You’d want to punch his lights
out wouldn’t you? So, never bring up the subjects of
race, religion, politics or sex on a date,
because we don’t want you to get into
an argument, and win, and then lower the
woman’s Interest Leve. Remember guys, you never want to tell
her what’s really on your mind. I've been watching this beautiful girl
on campus. I phoned her two weeks ago, not
using my real name. I told that I was from
another campus and that I happened to see
her when I visited her campus. The first
thing she wanted to know is how I had got
her phone number, so I told that one of my
friends took it off someone’s phone.
Anyway, she wanted to know what I wanted,
so I told her that I wanted to get to know
her. She asked me why would I want to get to
know her. I told her that I liked what I
saw on the outside and I wanted to see if
the inside does the outside justice. She
gave me a giggle. She then said that I
shouldn’t call her again. I told that
if she gave me a good reason why I
shouldn’t call, that I wouldn’t
call her again. Then she tells me that she doesn’t
know me. I told her I could change that.
Then she tells me that wouldn’t
change anything. She's just not
interested. Then I told her that she was
jumping to conclusions. All I want is to
get to know her, be her friend and see
what happens from there. Then she asks me where I was from and
what I was studying. I asked her where she
was from and what she was studying and it
was going pretty well. I asked whether I
could call her again, she tells me no. So
anyway I told her that I would call her in
two weeks time. She didn’t say yes or
no. I phoned her tonight and we started all
over again. I asked if she remembered who
I was. She said no, so I refreshed her
memory. She then tells me that I
shouldn’t call her again. She told me
that she has no interest in guys because
her studies were her first priority and
that I should save my phone bill for that
one special person. So I told her that special person might
be her. She told me it's not her. She then
started cross examining me again, trying
to get more information about me. Anyway
she told me that she had to go and has a
test on Tuesday to study for, and I
shouldn’t call her again. So Doc, what do I do now? Terry - who just wants to be loved Hi Ter, Did you know that you’re a
Feminsta’s fantasy come true? Guys
like you give the male bashers more ammo
to use to justify their “all men are
creeps” propaganda. Plus, you’re
part of the reason that there’s a
“War of the Sexes” in America
today. You’d better wake up Dude. What
you’re doing with this girl is
dangerous. And the saddest thing about
your question is that you don’t have
a clue that you’re doing anything
wrong. I teach men to be a Challenge and to be
positively mysterious, but not creepily
mysterious like you’re being in this
situation. Haven’t you ever seen a
film where the woman is being stalked by
an obsessive guy who doesn’t have the
self-confidence to approach her properly?
You’re that guy, Terry. A surprise call from a complete
stranger is guaranteed to attack a
woman’s comfort level, make her feel
quite concerned and possibly frightened.
So, you should never, ever call any woman
for a date when she hasn’t directly
given you her phone number herself. Are
you getting the drift Terry? You said that you saw her on campus. So
why didn’t you just walk up to her
and say something like: “Hi. My
intuition tells me that you’re a
Psychology major. Am I right?”
Something positive and non-threatening,
like a normal guy might do. Then you might
have had a shot at getting her number and
actually getting her out on a date. But
your courtship technique is straight out
of the Troubled Loser’s Handbook. But the girl you’ve been harassing
is not without blame in this situation
either. She must be some kind of Bimbo
because any clinically sane gal would have
cut you off immediately. Instead, she
foolishly encouraged you by engaging you
in further conversation. I think that
she’s just too stupid to realize that
she was being terrorized by you. Lucky for
you she doesn’t have more brains or
else you might have wound up having a
little visit from the Sheriff. Terry, you need to build your social
skills so you feel comfortable and
confident meeting women face to face.
Perhaps a bit of counseling and a self
esteem seminar or two would get you going
in the right direction. In the meantime,
stay off the telephone. If you don’t,
you may soon find yourself being
handcuffed and taken to a confined space
with a new 300 pound roommate named
Bubba. Remember, guys, never attack a
woman’s comfort level. Stop Chatting
and Ask for the Home Phone Number! A waitress I like works at a restaurant
I go to a lot. I gave her my business card
and on a couple of occasions after that,
we spoke about going out sometime. She was
very open to the idea. Before leaving town for a holiday, she
gave me her cell phone number. I called
her and we had a nice chat. When she got
back, we talked a little about her
vacation while I was at the restaurant.
Later that evening, we had a long chat
over the phone. I eventually called her and asked her
out. She responded by asking, “Why
me?” I explained that I wanted to get
to know her better. When I mentioned that
we would go to the theatre, she seemed to
like the idea. She then asked me when I
needed to know for certain whether or not
she could go because she wasn’t sure
about the whole thing and wanted to think
it over very carefully. I said that the
earlier she told me the better because I
was getting the tickets and I wanted the
best seats. She called me the next night to say
that she had thought a lot about my offer,
and though she would love to go to the
theatre, she had to respectfully decline.
She was sorry for disappointing me, but
she didn’t think it was a good idea
to mix business and pleasure. I told her
that I understood and I respected her
wishes. She thanked me a lot for being so
understanding and that very few men were
as understanding as I was. We carried on a
while longer, having a whole other
chat. Though we didn’t go out, she was
very nice and decent about the whole
thing. All in all, I think things ended
nicely. What do you think, Doc? Frederick – who wants to know what
his next move is Hi Frederick, If you were only interested in a
chatting partner, then things went great,
but if you were looking for a girlfriend,
I’d say you failed miserably.
Chatting was all you ever did with this
girl, Frederick. Well, at least no one
could ever accuse you of coming on too
heavy! You remind me of certain salesmen from
my selling days who could put on a
beautiful presentation but never close the
deal. Chatting is fine when you lack
crucial details about a woman (like her
name) but after a while, the chatting has
to cease and you have to ask for the order
– the woman’s home phone
number. Notice that I said: ask for her home
phone number - not her work number or cell
phone number. Why? Because only the home
phone number demonstrates sufficient
female Interest Level; the other numbers
are meant to appease you and keep you at
arm’s length (not to mention that
they are prone to problems such as sudden
disconnections due to angry bosses or
freeway overpasses). So, as you can see, Frederick; you
asked what your second move was, when in
reality, you had not even made your first
move. But neglecting to ask for her home
phone number wasn’t your only error.
Giving this lady your business card and
repeatedly talking about going out (before
actually making a date) also hurt your
cause. Women love confidence. But when a man
tries to broach the subject of dating by
dropping hints, it makes him appear timid.
Rightly or wrongly, she perceives his
business cards and his nebulous
suggestions to “go out sometime”
as cowardly measures to avoid her
disapproval. As a man, you must have the
guts to brave rejection and ask the woman
out directly. You must act as if her
opinion doesn’t affect you. In fact,
it doesn’t. Why not? Because you only
care about finding that lucky woman who
has high Interest Level in you;
you’re not trying to get the approval
of every woman in town. Before you think I will only devote
space in my column to pick on you,
Frederick, let me say that your
girl’s record isn’t clean
either. First, she threw you a curve ball
when she asked, “Why me?”
It’s hard to find a better indicator
of low Interest Level than a girl playing
dumb after you ask her out. I’ll bet
she even fluttered her eyelashes for
dramatic effect! Then she said to you: “I need to
think it over very carefully.” You
only asked her out to the theatre, not to
move to Mongolia! This girl gets an
“A” in Women’s Stalling
Techniques 101. “Needing to
think” about going out on a date is
Woman Talk for: “I’ve already
forgotten about it!” Then she added, “Thank you for
your understanding,” Which was Woman
Talk for: “Thank you for not going
berserk on me like the last guys I
tricked.” First, she waits until the
absolute last minute to tell you she never
had high Interest Level in you - then she
thanks you for excusing her behavior
through your words. You made her work so
easy! This is a good example of, as the
column title states: “Women
Don’t Lie – Men Don’t
Listen.” By settling for this girl’s cell
phone number instead of her home phone
number, and for chats instead of a real
date, you swallowed this girl’s hooks
whole! And being the big fish that you
are, Frederick, you kept biting - hoping
that eventually, she would pull you into
her love boat. Instead, you ended up on a
tramp steamer. As my Uncle Jethro Love
would say, “She worked you over good,
boy!” It’s truly shocking how you were
so pleased over nothing, Frederick - but
that’s why I was put on earth: to
make sure that you good guys out there
never get confused or rejected again! As
for your next move, Frederick, flush that
number down the toilet where it belongs,
eat at another restaurant, and only chat
with the women who date you! Remember, guys – in sales or in
dealing with women, you’ve got to
“Close, close, close.” Can a Woman
Love You Without Touching You?
Is it normal for a couple to make love
once every four to five months? I could
easily make love everyday, but my wife of
twelve years has lost interest. She claims
it's a side effect of the medicine she
takes for panic attacks, but in reality,
her interest in sex went away a few years
before the medicine. At that time, her
excuse for her lack of interest was the
panic attacks themselves (Catch-22?). She
claims that she loves me, but I sometimes
wonder if that’s really the case.
What do you think, Doc? Terry – who wants to know if she
can ever get back in the mood Hey Ter, I bet you’re hearing these
lines: “Please, Terry, is that all you
think of?” “We just did it four
months ago!” “Have you been
looking at those movies again?”
“Don’t touch me!” Even a
cold cat likes to be stroked – so
what’s her excuse? No offense, guy, but if you have to ask
the first question from your letter, then
you don’t know what normal is.
Don’t you think that some wives out
there still chase hubby around the dining
room table when the kids are away, even
after twelve years of cloying sameness?
I’m telling you that such women do
exist! On the other hand, I know there are
millions of miserably married men out
there who rationalize their loveless lives
because of their three brats and their
30-year house loan. You’re not alone
in your ignorance of healthy
relationships, Ter. Your wife blames her medication for her
deep freeze mode, but you said her problem
began years before. Can you see the
convenient consistency in her two excuses?
In both cases, she doesn’t have to
touch you. Yes Ter, she did put you into a
Catch-22 situation. The great thing about
her health excuse is that you become the
ogre if you try to be intimate with her.
She may even end up saying that you are
the cause of her panic attacks! In fact, I
would venture to say that panic attacks
aren’t your wife’s real problem
- attacks of Low Interest Level are! To be sure about her actual degree of
feelings for you, here’s a test you
can use. Ask yourself if she has ever done
any of the following for you: 1. Put her arms around you and/or
kissed you for no reason 2. Complimented you on your looks 3. Sat very close to you at a
restaurant or on the couch at home 4. Gave you a massage – in other words, has she ever
been all over you? If she hasn’t, you
may have married a Professional Dater
– a woman who marries in spite of her
low Interest Level. Why are the above gestures so
important? Because they show affection -
the natural result of high Interest Level
- which in a happy marriage, leads to
lovemaking. No matter what her physical condition
may be, a clinically sane woman with high
Interest Level in her husband (or in any
other guy), can always express affection.
But when her Interest Level is in the
dumps, this task becomes too uncomfortable
for her to accomplish. Because a woman with high Interest
Level would do anything to please you, she
would show you affection even if she were
lying in a hospital bed in a body cast!
Seriously, Ter – can’t you see
that a woman who really loved you would be
willing to come up with some kind of love
compromise? Unless you left some important
details out of your question, Ter,
I’d say your wife is unwilling to
work with you toward a solution –
which means that your marriage is in a
tailspin. Sorry, guy. Ter – You have a lot of
soul-searching to do. You must determine
whether or not your moral and religious
background says you must stay with a woman
who does not love you. If you do stay,
wear a happy face and be sweet to her
– especially in front of your kids,
if you have any. Remember guys, happily married women
with high Interest Level don’t nag,
get headaches, or ever refuse a kiss! Why Does She
Always Bring Her Kid on the Date?
I am smitten with a beautiful redhead
who has a three year-old daughter. She
told me from the beginning that she wasn't
looking for anyone because she didn’t
want anyone telling her how to raise her
little girl. Apparently, she had had a bad
relationship with her daughter’s
father, which ended with her kicking him
out of the house for becoming a drunk
right after her daughter was born. I know
I should have listened to her, but I
started spending a lot of time with her -
along with her daughter and mine, who were
always with us. We were just like a
family, except there was no intimacy. One day I finally asked her if we were
just friends or if there was a chance our
relationship could develop into something
more. She said there was a chance, but
that she was not ready yet and would like
us to be just friends right now. I know I should move on, but I’m
crazy about her. My question is, should I
believe that I have a chance with her and
hold on, or should I just move on? Is
there anything I can do to win her over or
was the relationship dead when she said
the word “friends”? Any advice
will be most appreciated. Oscar – who wants to know if he
should wait for her Oscar, Oscar, Oscar… When you - or any guy - ask, “Is
there a chance?” something should
tell you that you don’t. Why”
Because as my cousin, Father Love would
say, “If you have to ask, the answer
is no.” When a woman likes you, she lets you
know it. Unfortunately, most men only look
at their feelings and overrate hers. Your
quips about being “smitten” and
“crazy about her” demonstrate to
me that your high Interest Level has
smothered your objectivity. Besides having a low Interest Level
problem - she told you she wasn’t
looking for anyone, which in Woman Talk
means: “I’m not looking for
anyone fitting your description!” -
this woman also seems to have an attitude
problem. When she snarled, “No man is
going to tell me how to raise my
kid!” she was directing her message
at you! You had barely met her and already
she was laying down the law (a woman
usually waits a little longer to bare her
teeth at a guy – typically after he
starts panting after her like a dog in
heat!). Growling warnings at you
doesn’t sound loving to me; instead,
it shows that she has a chip on her
shoulder the size of Montana. Hey - she
may have had an ex who only braked for
liquor stores, but that’s no excuse
for her to browbeat the rest of men-kind.
After all, she only has herself to blame
for her previous poor choices in men.
Touché! Of course there’s never any
intimacy to your outings, Oscar – she
always has her kid around! The truth is:
she’s using her as a shield against
intimacy. I’m for family togetherness
and I think it is good that all four of
you get along, but you need to find out if
the two of you get along. You would find
this out if she ever gave you the
opportunity; the fact that she hasn’t
after all this time should tell you
something! She is obviously happy with the pattern
she has with you. In her mind, the four of
you can keep things just as they are
forever at arm’s length. You may feel
comfortable with this arrangement, Oscar,
but romantically, it’s a big waste of
time. Why? Because it will never raise her
Interest Level. You will never move from “just
friends” to loving soul mates because
The Reality Factor states that it takes
two with high Interest Level to tango.
I’m afraid your girl has left you
dancing by yourself, Oscar. You should take her words about you
having a chance with her about as
seriously as the suggestion that Yassir
Arafat might someday grace the cover of
People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man
Alive” issue. When a woman says
she’s “not ready” for a
romantic relationship, it means in Woman
Talk that the earth would blow asunder
before she would give you a real date. What are your actual chances? Well,
they would be a lot better if you got her
to leave her little darling at home - fat
chance! To know your chances for sure,
tell her you want to leave the kids with a
baby sitter - you’ll find out soon
enough where you stand! Of course, if she
doesn’t go along with this proposal,
then it’s adios, baby. Oscar, in spite of the way this girl
knowingly gives you false hope I must give
her credit for being somewhat up front
with you. Unfortunately, like most guys
out there with extreme Interest Level, you
didn't heed her admonition. That’s OK
– now that you have The
“System,” you won’t make
this mistake again. Remember, guys: you are looking for
someone to love you, not waste your time -
so choose accordingly. Don’t let
dreams of an ideal family life with Miss
Right make you overlook her flaws. As my
Uncle Jethro Love would say, “What
makes a women good is her
attitude.” Can Hard Times
Affect a Woman's Interest Level?
I have been dating this woman seriously
for the past three months. Recently she
has gone through some stressful times -
for example: she got into a fight with her
mom, a friend informed her that he had
cancer, and she’s had difficulty with
some of her college classes. Another male
friend of hers invited her to go to Las
Vegas for the weekend, but she declined
because she didn't want him to get the
"wrong idea." I thought that was a great
sign that our relationship meant something
to her. Her birthday is next week, so I invited
her to go with me to Vegas over the
weekend. She accepted my invitation at
first, but then she said shedidn't want to
go because I told her I would be attending
a convention for three hours on Saturday
night. She said that though it would be a
great time for her to catch up on her
schoolwork, she didn't want to spend that
much time alone. I told her I have friends
up there now who would hang out with her
during those three hours, but she still
doesn't want to go. I've been trying to attribute her
behavior to it being "that time of the
month" for her, but it's becoming more and
more difficult to do so. Please help! Harold – who wants to know how to
cheer her up Hi Harold, Let’s get something straight: just
because your girlfriend turned down
another guy's advances, it doesn't mean
she did so for you. She may have chosen
not to elope to Sin City with him out of a
sense of integrity or because she feels
nothing for the both of you! To get a more
accurate reading of your beloved’s
Interest Level in you, you will need to
submit her to another set of trials. Speaking of trials, Harold –
though hard times may be influencing your
girlfriend’s moods, they
wouldn’t have had any effect on her
feelings towards you. In fact, nothing can
raise or lower that score; not family
arguments at home, not the health of her
friends, not her Art History class, and -
contrary to what you and many other guys
think – not her raging female
hormones. Nothing can cause a drop in a
woman’s Interest Level except for one
thing: the man’s actions. Harry, your girlfriend’s quibbling
over spending a measly three hours in a
hotel room by herself showed that she
wasn’t turned off by the trip to the
Nevada desert as much as she was turned
off by you. You need to stop making
excuses for her broken date (which is a
mortal sin according to The
“System”) and start asking
yourself: “Could any of my past
actions have possibly turned her
off?” The answer may surprise
you. To start with, I know you committed a
no-no when you tried to use this pleasure
trip to kill two birds with one stone. If
you are trying to be romantic with your
LadyLove, you cannot cut a date in two,
with a three-hour work break in between.
If it's her birthday, you should give her
100% of your attention (On the other hand,
if she were flexible and had high Interest
Level, she probably would have overlooked
your faux pas and allowed you to mix a
little business with her pleasure - more
on your girlfriend’s Interest Level
later.). Your choice of rendezvous destinations
caused another problem. By choosing Lost
Wages, you copied another guy's date idea
- which made you look like you put no
effort into coming up with a surprise of
your own, which diluted the power of your
gift. Couldn't you have thought of
something original? Gifts are a big deal to women. When men
do something they hate in order to
surprise a woman (like shopping), she
gives him points for being romantic - and
romance is one third of the male magic
formula that keeps a woman in love with a
guy, even if he is an uncouth, lumbering
Neanderthal! Most guys don't realize how
important the right gift at the right time
is - until they get the wrong gift and
Miss Right’s Interest Level takes a
dip. I’m sorry you had to find this
out the hard way, buddy. One other unfortunate aspect of your
gift mimicry, Harold, is that you
inadvertently played a losing game of
one-upmanship. In your sweetie’s
mind, you were trying to match another
man's moves, which gave you an air of
jealousy and possessiveness. It's as if
you were imitating a Macho Boy saying,
"It's my job to take you to Vegas, not
his!" She will deduct points from her
Interest Level due to your apparent lack
of confidence and self-control. In spite of your missteps, Harold, I
have to say that in the grand scheme of
things, your mistakes were minor -
that’s why I believe that your girl
was looking for an excuse to break her
date with you. If she really had high
Interest Level, she would have given you
smiles and hugs for the birthday present,
not stalling tactics. For now, Harold, I think you should
back off of your girlfriend for a while
and avoid getting too caught up with her
problems. Oh, you should definitely be
supportive - but don’t try to impress
her or try to get her out of her funk
through distractions. Give her a simple
gift, like a rose with a birthday card
– then step back. If her Interest
Level in you is above 50%, then her
emotional storm will blow over and she
will thank you for being stable like The
Rock of Gibraltar. At that point, she will
be ready to run away to The Bellagio Hotel
or The Luxor Hotel with you. But if her
rain clouds don’t clear up, then you
should take a rain check on getting more
involved with her. Guys - if you plan to keep a woman over
the long haul, then use adversity to learn
how she will react when the going gets
tough. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say:
“You marry her Interest Level but you
live with her attitude.” Can You Turn
Friendship into Romance?
I've known a girl named Charlotte since
I was in the sixth grade. We've always
been close friends, always talking to each
other about everything. We both started
our first year of University together two
years ago and at that time I didn't do so
well and flunked out. We didn't have much
contact last year while I was working and
she was still in school, but this past
summer things have changed. I called her
up and asked her out to a movie, same
routine we normally did. She said OK and
came and picked me up (I don’t have
my license anymore, another long story but
not really relevant). So after the movie
was over she invited me back to her place
for coffee and we started talking to each
other about our lives and what we wanted
to do, that sort of thing. The next thing
I knew we were kissing on her couch. It
just felt natural, like it was something
we were supposed to do. We will see each other again this
Christmas and I really want this to work
out. I think she does too, but what I
wanted to ask is: Am I setting myself up
here for a bad fall? Is it possible that
longtime friends can have a romantic
relationship with one another? I know
we're only 20, but I can say without a
shadow of a doubt that I would like to
spend the rest of my life with her. I know
she has strong feelings for me too because
she has told me she loves me and I can't
think of a time in my life when on some
level I haven't loved her as
well. Butch – who really would
appreciate your opinion on this matter Hi Butch, Wow! What a great woman you have –
not like most I talk about in my column.
You flunked out of school and lost your
license, and she still has feelings for
you. Most girls would have dropped you for
more petty transgressions, like not
spending more money on them - but she hung
in there. This is truly a success story.
Don’t get me wrong guys, I always
want you to put your best foot forward,
but this shows you what a woman with high
Interest Level will put up with. She is also loyal, and loyalty is the
most important virtue your future wife can
have. If you don’t believe me, just
imagine how devastating it would be to one
day find your true love smooching with
your best buddy. When a woman is loyal she
tends to be trustworthy, and all
successful long-term relationships are
also built on trust. Because you played it cool for 8 years,
Butch, you allowed Challenge to work on
her. That’s why when you kissed her,
you didn’t hear: “Not so fast,
Butch.” The “System” says:
“the woman lets the man know when it
is time”, and she let you know that
it was time when she invited you back to
her place for some necking. So in your
unique case, yes, it is possible for long
term friends to have a romantic
relationship. But guys, don’t be deluded by this
statistical fluke. Most of the time, once
a girl has decided that you’re her
friend, getting her to switch tracks and
start thinking of you romantically, is
like trying to get Jesse Jackson to vote
Republican. What you usually hear when you
try to make the shift from buddy to
boyfriend, are those five words that
strike terror in the hearts of good men:
“Can’t we just be friends?”
To avoid this discouraging scenario,
always let the woman you’re
interested in know up front that
you’re there to date her, not
befriend her. Butch, I think this girl is a good
candidate for the long haul because she
has high Interest Level in you and just as
important, she respects you, despite your
shortcomings. But before you two tie the
knot, you should ask yourself: If I’m
not capable of maintaining a valid
driver’s license, would I be capable
of maintaining a valid marriage license (a
long term committed relationship with a
woman)? Do you see what I’m getting
at, Butch? So you have some work to do on
your life skills before you ‘re ready
for Matrimony. But I’m very
optimistic that one day you will find
yourself driving your new bride off into
the sunset to your honeymoon hideaway.
Just be sure not to drive at 95 miles an
hour – unless your dad is Vice
President. Remember guys, what the Mafia and Fido
have in common; they know that loyalty is
Numero Uno. ” Dealing
with Mixed Messages in the Game of
Love
I love your articles and writing style.
I've been out on one date with this woman
and I wanted to do things right, so I
ordered the "System”. The problem is
that your stuff probably won't get to me
for a few days (maybe a week?) and I think
I need help! Here are the facts: We met, I asked for her number, waited
a week and we made plans to meet downtown
at an Orioles baseball game. Things went
pretty well, except she was asking me a
lot of questions and I couldn't seem to
turn the tables on her. I felt like I was
on the hot seat! I didn’t' tell her
anything revealing and I tried to keep it
light. I think I did okay because at one
point she complimented me on my shirt and
told me I reminded her of someone famous,
although she couldn't remember who
(hopefully, not Jack the Ripper!). Anyhow,
the only downside was that the date seemed
to end quickly due to the fact that we
realized when we were leaving, that we
were parked in totally opposite
directions. I did offer to walk her to her
car, but she said it was late and politely
declined. Does this mean anything? I definitely want to ask this woman out
again and I have a couple of questions.
Exactly how long should I wait to call
after the first date and is it too much
pressure to suggest that the next date be
a Saturday night dinner date? Also, should
I leave her a message if I get her
answering service and wait to see if she
calls me back or should I try to get her
in person? Isaiah – who appreciates any help
you can give Hi Isaiah, First of all Isaiah, congratulations
for having the patience and discipline to
wait a full seven days to call this girl.
The average guy with a hot phone number is
like an un-housebroken puppy in a newly
carpeted living room. It doesn't take long
for him to lose control and when he does,
he makes a big mess out of everything.
Unlike those panting pups, you Isaiah used
the most powerful dating strategy
available to mankind, if he has the guts
to use it - Challenge. When you give a
woman some time to wonder why you haven't
called, she's even more interested in you
when you finally do. Holding back makes
you more intriguing, mysterious and way
more desirable! I also commend you for working hard to
keep the conversation focused on your date
rather than yourself. Now here's a tip:
When she's peppering you with questions
and you find yourself getting
uncomfortable, just ask her the same or a
similar question to the one that she's
just asked you. It's often easier than
wracking your brain for new things to ask
and it keeps you both on the same
wavelength. Also remember that curiosity is often a
sign of high interest, so I'm glad your
date was asking you lots of questions.
Compare her behavior to all the women
you've met who hardly asked you one thing
about yourself. They make you wonder: "Gee
is this girl totally lacking a personality
or is it just me?" Next, let me recommend that from now on
you always pick your date up at her home.
There are many reasons for doing this: 1)
It's the chivalrous and gentlemanly thing
to do. 2) You get to spend more time
getting to know each other while driving
together. 3) A woman who won't allow you
to pick her up at her home is either
uptight or has low Interest Level. What you still should have done was to
simply start walking your date to her car
without asking her if it was OK. That way
you appear to be confident and classy, and
you can't be faulted for being protective
of her. If she insists on going it alone,
then it's even more clear that she's not
even close to starting to think of you as
her hero. You have to ask yourself: would
a woman who likes and respects me not want
me to walk her to her car late at night in
a ballpark parking lot full of beer
guzzling crazies? When she "politely
declined” your offer Isaiah, that was
a big red flag. Her excuse for not having
you escort her was "it’s late". Wait
a minute. It's late? All the more reason
for a lady to want a gentleman to escort
her to her car. So obviously, you've
gotten some mixed messages from this
gal. Your next step is to flush her out by
getting her on the phone (do not leave any
messages) and ask her out for a weeknight.
Let her wonder whom you're saving your
weekends for. That way you are seen as....
you guessed it...a Challenge. And make
sure to ask her for her home address so
you can pick her up. If she balks, as they
say in baseball, it's time for you to bunt
and tear up her phone number. Many women
would argue and say, "but she hardly knows
him". To those women I say: Have you ever
let a guy pick you up at your house on the
first date? Their honest answer would be:
"Well, only when my Interest Level in him
was high.” Remember guys, a woman with high
Interest Level is consistently positive
and never gives you mixed signals in the
game of love. Do Ernest and Julio
Gallo Hold the Key to Women?
I met a girl on a blind date. She's 21
and I'm 29. We went to a bookstore and
hung out at a bar. At first, she was shy,
so I bought her a few drinks. After three
wine coolers, she loosened up and made it
clear she was attracted to me. At three different times during the
date, I went to the bathroom only to see a
different guy sitting in my place by the
time I got back. Each time, the girl, the
guy, and I joked about it - but inside, I
was fuming. By the end of the night, things got
pretty hot and heavy between the girl and
me (although we only kissed) so I told her
I would call her. When I did call her Sunday night, she
said she was sick, so she would call me
back later. I sent her an email stating:
"I hope you are feeling better." She
replied with: "Thanks for your e-mail. I'm
feeling much, much better. I'll be out
until late tonight, but I'll try to give
you a call later." I haven't heard from
her since. Do you think I handled this girl right?
In reality, I think she is too young for
me, but I could always use the practice
for the real thing. What do you think? Angelo - who wants to know what
happened Hi Angelo, To paraphrase an old adage - "Candy is
dandy, but Night Train is quicker!" The
problem comes when your girl tries to pick
up the football team in the middle of your
date! Sure, a woman's Interest Level appears
to rise with each belt of Thunderbird you
give her - but you cannot keep a woman
tipsy all of the time! In a world filled
with females who often give false signals
of high Interest Level, you practically
need a polygraph to know whether or not
you've got the real thing on your hands.
But to add alcohol to this equation is to
make the truth damn near impossible to
find out! That's why a man must discover what a
woman's feelings are for him without the
three shots of Red Mountain. Angelo, instead of trying to get this
girl plastered, you should have asked
yourself how three different guys managed
to grab your chair when she was supposed
to be guarding it for you? Was it too hard
for her to utter the four little words:
"This seat is taken"? Perhaps she was
giving you a not-so-subtle hint that her
feelings for you were lower than a wino's
brain cell count. Maybe she was telling
the rip-off artists: "Please sit here, I'm
with a creep." And consider this other important
tidbit: this girl said she would "try" to
call you back. The Reality Factor says:
"Women with low Interest Level make vague
promises while women with high Interest
Level make commitments." If she were truly
interested in you, she would have given
you a definite time and date. Decisiveness is what separates Real
Women from the Strokers. Unfortunately, in
your rush to get this girl to the bar
counter, you missed this important
point. Angelo, it's not youth that's keeping
this girl from you, it's her low Interest
Level. You would have seen this right away if
you had chosen to intoxicate her with
charm rather than with old grapes. For
example, if you had gotten bored
expressions during displays of your
sparkling wit, you would have immediately
known that your girl was unavailable for
future dates. Conversely, any smiles and
touches during your rendezvous would have
showed you she cared. From now on, Angelo, let your dates
take a straight shot of your male strength
qualities of Self-control, Confidence, and
Challenge and if they don't respond, move
on to those who will. Unless a woman likes
you at least 51%, not even Ernest and
Julio can help. Guys, women who like you don't need to
get boiled in grape juice in order to show
it. Remember that it is not only cheaper
to minimize alcohol use during the date,
but there are no love hangovers in the
morning to worry about! What if Your Woman
Wants to Dance with Someone Else?
My girlfriend and I have been dating
each other for a little over a year. We
are very much in love and are committed to
each other. Recently, she has become more
interested in being "accepted" at school
and attending social functions. Since I
cannot usually attend these functions, I
am left out of that small portion of her
life. I have no problem with her being
with her friends; however, she recently
asked me something that has disturbed me
deeply. She has a formal prom-like dance coming
up in December and she wants to go to it
"very badly" so she can be with her
friends. I cannot attend it, or I would
take her in an instant (and she knows it).
She informed me (not asked, informed) that
she is going to go with a male friend of
hers. I immediately objected. In my mind, attending a formal dance
that has a romantic atmosphere, and
implies “couplish” connotations
is a date. And moreover, for a girl with a
boyfriend, it is an invitation for
disaster. I told her that I don’t
care if she goes to the dance, just not
with another guy. She insists that if she
goes alone she will look foolish, and
therefore she “must” go with
someone. She told me that I need to trust
her and that she loves me and that if I
did trust her, I wouldn't be so upset. She
says I should know she has no feelings for
anyone else other than me, and that she
merely wants a companion for that evening.
She claimed she understood my discomfort
with the situation, but insisted that she
will go in spite of her knowing how I
feel. Am I wrong to be upset? I feel like
this is a sign of disrespect to our
relationship and to my feelings. I also
think that it is wrong for my girlfriend
to go on a date with another guy when we
are supposedly committed to each other.
Lastly, I think that by doing all this,
she is also giving the wrong impression of
us to her friends and family, and by doing
so, undermining the strength of our
relationship. Help ASAP. Please. Milton – who wants to know if he
is being unreasonable Hi Milton, So, she wants to be accepted at
school… what grade is she in - third?
Kidding aside, the obvious question is:
why is it so important for her to go to
this dance? You should think like a cop on
Law & Order and ask yourself: is it
the ballroom decorations she’s
looking forward to seeing or is it the
company that will be there with her?
(Answer: she’s looking forward to
seeing a guy and he’s not you!). Of course a guy should always try to
attend social events like the ones at your
girlfriend’s school for the sake of
maintaining a loving relationship, but I
doubt that romantic neglect is your
problem, Milt. I believe the real problem
is that your ladylove plans her social
calendar around your schedule on purpose.
No, you’re not wrong to be
upset. How dare your girlfriend try to put you
on the defensive with her talk about
“trust” when she’s the one
angling to be in the arms of another guy!
Under the guise of trust, she’s the
one being untrustworthy. You may think my
hunch about her is far-fetched, but
consider these two pieces of evidence: First – she already had a date
picked out when she told you about the
dance. If her intentions were pure, she
would have asked you to have one of your
mutual friends chaperone her - in other
words, she would have made the choice of
dancing partners a joint decision. But she
was way ahead of you in this
game. The second clue can be found in the
answer to this question: would a woman
with high Interest Level really be able to
enjoy herself at a romantic dance without
the one she loves? Of course not - unless
she’s meeting him there! If it turns out that your girl’s
prom date has been at all her other social
functions as well, then we know that Mr. X
is more than just a casual stand-in. As my
cousin Fast Eddie Love would say:
“When it comes to love, there are no
accidents.” In my opinion, the real shot fired
across your bow came when your tru love
informed you, “I’m going
anyway.” Do you hear the ultimatum in
that statement? So much for being loving
and considerate. The Bottom Line Factor
says that a woman is declaring her free
agency when she makes such a statement.
She is telling you in Woman Talk “We
are no longer a team.” So, what should you do, Milt? Well, you
might try calling her bluff by telling her
you can now make it to the dance and so
now she can unload Mr. X. But chances are
nine out of ten that she will say,
“Oh, it would be unfair to him to
back out now.” After all, why would
she choose you over someone she really
likes? One thing you should not do, under any
circumstances, is lose your cool and try
to take out your girl’s prom date
with a deer rifle! The Bottom Line Factor
says that a woman’s lack of Interest
Level and integrity are the real culprits
in love rip-offs, not “the other
guy.” Instead of objecting further to your
ladylove’s act of war, let her bring
up the subject of the dance again, and
then respond with a big smile, “Have
a nice time” - and never again return
her phone calls. Guys, when a woman starts playing
hardball, you can be sure the relationship
is over. When this happens, don’t
allow the woman to drop you slowly.
Instead, end the relationship immediately
without talking or explanation. As my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love would
say about women who are about to break up
with a guy: “Give them
nothing.” Does a Woman with
High Interest Level Give You the
Run-Around?
I met a girl on the bus who immediately
showed great interest in me (she asked me
a ton of questions and kept touching my
arm) but the next day on the bus, she
seemed to ignore me! I asked her on a date, and she was very
enthusiastic about the idea, almost
jumping for joy; but when I asked her for
her phone number, she told me that she
usually didn't give it to strangers and
that I should email her instead. I thought
this was a little strange, but I sent her
an email anyway - and got no response. A couple of days later, I told her that
I hadn’t received her e-mail and she
replied that she had been having problems
with her computer and didn't have a chance
to read it yet. I kept waiting in vain for
her message until I finally decided to
forget all about her. I saw her again on the bus and kinda
ignored her. After a few minutes, she
changed seats to sit next to me. She then
asked me if I wanted to go to a bar with
her and have a drink. I said yes, and
while we were there, she was all over me,
asking me when we were going on our date
because she couldn't wait any more! At
that moment, she offered me her phone
number, asked for mine, and made me
promise to call her. I asked her out and she accepted. Then
the day before our date, she told me that
a few of her friends she hardly ever sees
asked her out on the same day and that I
was invited to join them. I told her no,
because she had a date with me that night
and that she had to make up her mind to
either go out with me or with her friends.
She chose me, and we went out. It was fun,
but she wasn't as flirty as before. In
fact, she seemed a little nervous. I later called her house for another
date and her brother said she wasn't home.
I left my phone number and asked him to
have her call me back. She never called.
She later told me that her brother told
her “someone” had called, but
not who. Of course, I didn't know if she
was telling the truth. When I asked her out for another date
she told me that she that she was very
busy and stressed out with her final
exams, and that she couldn’t go out
until they were over. After her exams, I saw her again. She
told me that she finally had time for our
date and was looking forward to it. I told
her I would call the next day with the
details, but she said I couldn't because
she moved out of her parents' house and
that she now temporarily lives with a
girlfriend; therefore, she would call me.
She then asked me for my phone number
again because she left it at her parents'
house. Well, surprise – I never received
a phone call. Apparently, she had gone on
vacation and even though she is now back,
I haven’t received her call. It has
been about three weeks since I’ve
seen or heard from her. I don't have her
new phone number so I can't call her
myself. Is this girl still interested in me? If
not, then why would she flirt with me and
tell me she wants to go out? Why would she
ask for my phone number again and tell me
she would call me if she had no intentions
of doing so? She could have easily said
that she didn't have time or she just
could have not mentioned it at all. Please tell me what you think of this.
I would be very grateful! Trevor – who wants to know if
he’s getting the run-around Hi Trevor, Whew! This girl has more excuses than
Johnnie Cochran has police conspiracy
theories! Seriously, the number of times she lost
your number was evidence enough that her
Interest Level for you was lower than
whale fertilizer. If she had the number of
a guy she actually liked, she would have
tattooed the digits on her stomach to
prevent her from losing it. And if attempting to break your date so
she could see her friends was bad enough,
asking you to tag along was - as my cousin
Rabbi Love would say - “Pure
Chutzpah!” In this way, she could
play with her buddies and make a fool of
you at the same time (I have to give you
kudos though for showing a backbone and
getting the “N” word {no} out.
Obviously, she acted nervous afterward -
she was pouting over the way you busted
her on her brazen act of
disrespect!). Even though your girl acted excited at
times, it means nothing. She may be on
drugs – or more likely: she’s
campaigning for an Academy Award in the
“Faking High Interest Level”
category. Contrary to the way you and many other
men have been brainwashed, love is not
complicated. When a woman likes you, she
goes out with you – period. There are
no conditions, curve balls, no need for
her to call back, nor surprises.
Consistency is the MO of a woman with a
good attitude and high Interest Level.
Sadly, Trevor, the only thing your woman
is consistent about is her excuses. So, why would a sane woman spend so
much time and energy just to waste your
time? Well, look at it this way: all women
are born flirts; but while most of them
only enjoy seeing trying to get a reaction
from guys they like, a small sociopathic
minority enjoys male strokes so much that
they flirt with all guys, even those that
mean absolutely nothing to them. To them,
toying with a man’s affections is
nothing but pure entertainment. The
problem is, when guys take this game
seriously, their hearts get beat up. Thankfully, The “System” is
there to help. It’s a screening
process that saves you time and protects
your heart from game players. If you had
followed it consistently, Trevor, you
would have thrown this girl out of your
life the first time she asked you to
e-mail her. That’s OK –
you’ll know for the next
time. Guys, when a woman acts like she likes
you half of the time and acts cold the
other half (before you are married!),
it’s a huge red flag. As my cousin
Fast Eddie Love would say:
“Next!” Can a Man Avoid
Game Players when Using the Pesonals?
I have a love challenge from Germany. I
am a good-looking 29 year-old physician. I
recently put an ad plus my photo on a
singles website and a beautiful
26-year-old teacher answered it. Without
asking her, she sent me her picture and
phone number with her second e-mail. We
later exchanged more photos and talked for
hours a couple of times on the phone. She
complimented my good looks, nice voice,
etc. and told me she was dying to meet
me. The problem is that we live about 800
kilometers apart. Fortunately, I planned
to be at a business conference near her
hometown a week later. Together, we
planned that I would visit her and we
would spend the weekend
together. We had not talked with each other for
two weeks (I had been very busy), but this
morning; I called her to see if everything
was set. In response, she asked me to call
her back a half an hour later because she
was having breakfast! I know I should have
asked her to call me back, but I’m a
gentleman so I called her. Unfortunately,
nobody answered! I left the following message on her
answering machine: "Listen, I don’t
like playing games. Call me today so I can
make plans for the upcoming weekend."
Well, she did not call me, but about eight
hours later, I received an e-mail telling
me that she was having the most stressful
period in her job right now and that she
was moving into and renovating a new
apartment and she could not make it for
the weekend. She offered to invite me in a
few weeks when everything was set in her
life and expressed her regrets if she
would lose me due to this incident.
Strange creature, isn’t she? How should I react to her, Doc? Heinz – who wants to know if he
should try again Hi Heinz, Strange creature is an understatement!
You asked her out well in advance of the
date and she neglected to mention that she
was changing homes that day. How
convenient. 99% of the time when someone
moves, they think about the momentous day
months before it arrives. Your girl
apparently forgot all about it until the
last minute. What a great opportunity to
tell you a whopper! So she told you she was smitten after
seeing a picture of you and hearing your
voice a few times on the telephone -
Heinz, that’s not the same thing as
falling in love with you (It amazes me how
guys fall for lines from people they
haven’t even met.). In order for true
love to occur, you have to pass the
Physical Attraction Test, which requires
an assessment of your body language and
physical appearance - in other words, she
has to meet you in person. Her willingness
to verbalize high Interest Level with a
virtual person should have given you a
clue that something was rotten in the
state of Germany. You didn’t take into account,
Heinz, that when it comes to the
personals, there are two types of women.
One – the woman who is sincerely
looking for a relationship and will thus
give you a fair shot. And two - the game
player, who leads poor schleps on through
e-mail messages and telephone
conversations (The Internet and Telephone
Time Waster). The trick is to find the
first type, while avoiding the second
type. Heinz, you got a few photos and some
expensive phone bills, but you never got a
date, so which camp do you think that puts
your girl in? As my cousin Rabbi Love
would ask: “Is this such a tough
question?” When a guy works the personals he must
get to the Short Date (meeting briefly for
coffee) ASAP. If, after exchanging photos
and a phone call, she drags her feet about
a face-to-face meeting, then you are
talking to a woman who only loves male
attention from afar. As The Reality Factor
says - when there is reluctance on a
woman’s part, there is low Interest
Level. Simple, huh? The best part of your letter was your
girl’s breakfast stunt. “Call
back in a half an hour” is Woman Talk
for, “Call back when I’m sure I
will have left the house!” Or worse:
“Call back when I’m sure my
boyfriend and I will have left the
house!” By falling for this ruse, you
gave up Self-control and proved that you
weren’t as much a gentleman as you
were a weak man. The truth is, if she
really had high Interest Level, she would
have tossed her breakfast into the garbage
disposal because love is more important to
women than food! She really worked you
over on this one, while simultaneously
giving you the kiss of death. She didn't “regret losing
you” - in fact, she was planning on
it! Apparently, someone else came into her
life and since she had gotten tired of
playing with you, it was time to move on.
Heinz, you don’t really think this
was the first time she has played this
game, do you? If you do, I got some
swampland on the Rhine to sell
you! This girl has neither the Interest
Level nor the consideration to make her
worth pursuing. Count yourself lucky to
have found this out sooner rather than
later. If this thought doesn’t
console you, then consider this, Heinz:
you two didn't even meet, so there is no
real reason to take her rejection
personally. As far as you’re
concerned, she rejected a
stranger. Your experience proves my point, Heinz
- spending hours conversing with a woman
in cyberspace or incessantly shooting the
bull with her over the phone is a waste of
time. You may think something is going on,
but in reality, it means absolutely
nothing. Why? Because until you meet
eyeball to eyeball, you are still
strangers. Guys - when using the personals follow
The “System” and don’t let
anyone waste your time. Remember that even
with love the clock is always
ticking. Can Hard Times
Affect a Woman's Interest Level?
I have been dating this woman seriously
for the past three months. Recently she
has gone through some stressful times -
for example: she got into a fight with her
mom, a friend informed her that he had
cancer, and she’s had difficulty with
some of her college classes. Another male
friend of hers invited her to go to Las
Vegas for the weekend, but she declined
because she didn't want him to get the
"wrong idea." I thought that was a great
sign that our relationship meant something
to her. Her birthday is next week, so I invited
her to go with me to Vegas over the
weekend. She accepted my invitation at
first, but then she said shedidn't want to
go because I told her I would be attending
a convention for three hours on Saturday
night. She said that though it would be a
great time for her to catch up on her
schoolwork, she didn't want to spend that
much time alone. I told her I have friends
up there now who would hang out with her
during those three hours, but she still
doesn't want to go. I've been trying to attribute her
behavior to it being "that time of the
month" for her, but it's becoming more and
more difficult to do so. Please help! Harold – who wants to know how to
cheer her up Hi Harold, Let’s get something straight: just
because your girlfriend turned down
another guy's advances, it doesn't mean
she did so for you. She may have chosen
not to elope to Sin City with him out of a
sense of integrity or because she feels
nothing for the both of you! To get a more
accurate reading of your beloved’s
Interest Level in you, you will need to
submit her to another set of trials. Speaking of trials, Harold –
though hard times may be influencing your
girlfriend’s moods, they
wouldn’t have had any effect on her
feelings towards you. In fact, nothing can
raise or lower that score; not family
arguments at home, not the health of her
friends, not her Art History class, and -
contrary to what you and many other guys
think – not her raging female
hormones. Nothing can cause a drop in a
woman’s Interest Level except for one
thing: the man’s actions. Harry, your girlfriend’s quibbling
over spending a measly three hours in a
hotel room by herself showed that she
wasn’t turned off by the trip to the
Nevada desert as much as she was turned
off by you. You need to stop making
excuses for her broken date (which is a
mortal sin according to The
“System”) and start asking
yourself: “Could any of my past
actions have possibly turned her
off?” The answer may surprise
you. To start with, I know you committed a
no-no when you tried to use this pleasure
trip to kill two birds with one stone. If
you are trying to be romantic with your
LadyLove, you cannot cut a date in two,
with a three-hour work break in between.
If it's her birthday, you should give her
100% of your attention (On the other hand,
if she were flexible and had high Interest
Level, she probably would have overlooked
your faux pas and allowed you to mix a
little business with her pleasure - more
on your girlfriend’s Interest Level
later.). Your choice of rendezvous destinations
caused another problem. By choosing Lost
Wages, you copied another guy's date idea
- which made you look like you put no
effort into coming up with a surprise of
your own, which diluted the power of your
gift. Couldn't you have thought of
something original? Gifts are a big deal to women. When men
do something they hate in order to
surprise a woman (like shopping), she
gives him points for being romantic - and
romance is one third of the male magic
formula that keeps a woman in love with a
guy, even if he is an uncouth, lumbering
Neanderthal! Most guys don't realize how
important the right gift at the right time
is - until they get the wrong gift and
Miss Right’s Interest Level takes a
dip. I’m sorry you had to find this
out the hard way, buddy. One other unfortunate aspect of your
gift mimicry, Harold, is that you
inadvertently played a losing game of
one-upmanship. In your sweetie’s
mind, you were trying to match another
man's moves, which gave you an air of
jealousy and possessiveness. It's as if
you were imitating a Macho Boy saying,
"It's my job to take you to Vegas, not
his!" She will deduct points from her
Interest Level due to your apparent lack
of confidence and self-control. In spite of your missteps, Harold, I
have to say that in the grand scheme of
things, your mistakes were minor -
that’s why I believe that your girl
was looking for an excuse to break her
date with you. If she really had high
Interest Level, she would have given you
smiles and hugs for the birthday present,
not stalling tactics. For now, Harold, I think you should
back off of your girlfriend for a while
and avoid getting too caught up with her
problems. Oh, you should definitely be
supportive - but don’t try to impress
her or try to get her out of her funk
through distractions. Give her a simple
gift, like a rose with a birthday card
– then step back. If her Interest
Level in you is above 50%, then her
emotional storm will blow over and she
will thank you for being stable like The
Rock of Gibraltar. At that point, she will
be ready to run away to The Bellagio Hotel
or The Luxor Hotel with you. But if her
rain clouds don’t clear up, then you
should take a rain check on getting more
involved with her. Guys - if you plan to keep a woman over
the long haul, then use adversity to learn
how she will react when the going gets
tough. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say:
“You marry her Interest Level but you
live with her attitude.” Women Don't Lie -
Men Don't Listen And to you Moms: Do you have a good son
or nephew with a big heart and a big job
but he is an idiot with women? Is your
overgrown baby on his third divorce and
hasn’t a clue? Do half of your
grandkids live in another state with
bikers, drinking Coors instead of
milk? If these apply to you, you’re in
luck, because there is a new sheriff in
town. Do you know what men do that women
don’t? They fight reality in two
areas of their lives. One, they don’t
ask for directions when lost; and two,
more importantly, they think that all
women are illogical and inconsistent. But
these men never ask themselves: “Why
is it that certain guys never seem to get
rejected by women or face Divorce
Court?” or: "Could I be repeating
mistakes from woman to woman that I am not
aware of?” or the best: “Is it
possible that women’s choices in men
are consistent?” Successful men know that happiness in
romantic relationships is not due to luck
- it’s due to using reliable
principles and having a plan. Bill Gates
doesn’t “wing it” when
deciding which software market to enter -
he has a business plan. If you want to be
successful in your long-term romantic
relationship, you can’t leave them up
to chance, or to astrology, or to the
other love doctors who all come from a
female perspective – you need a plan
to help you keep Miss Right mesmerized.
The principles that you will get from my
column will guide you the way a Thomas
Bros. Map guides a U.P.S. driver to his
destination. Guys, if what you’ve
tried with women is only driving your
emotions around in circles and bringing
you pain instead of ecstasy, allow my
principles be your roadmap instead. The first concept that I will define is
what I call The Reality Factor. It says:
“Things are the way they are. If you
go against reality, reality works against
you, resulting in pain.” For example,
let’s say that you decided one day
that there is no Gravity, so you jump off
the Empire State Building. While in the
air, you can believe what you want, but
when you hit the pavement, you will
realize that you went against reality,
resulting in extreme bodily pain. Or
another example: You speed down the 5
Freeway at 120 mph at 2 a.m. with the
lights off, the Reality Factor says you
will experience the pain of having to
defend yourself in court. Or another
example: your female dates ask you to call
back before the date to
“verify,” and for some strange
reason, these “call back to
verify” dates only end with the dual
pains of frustration and
disappointment. Men in successful relationships move
with reality, they don’t fight it.
Men, who constantly experience the pangs
of rejection, propose marriage on the
first date – over and over and over
again. Rejection, man’s most despised
emotion, is the woman’s way of
telling you, “You turn me off.”
Read this column every week and you will
never go through this painful experience
again, because from now on, the Reality
Factor will be your friend, not your
nemesis. The kissing cousin of the Reality
Factor is the Bottom Line Factor, which
states that: “Only a woman’s
actions truly reflect her feelings toward
you.” Men who are ignorant of this
powerful concept rationalize a
woman’s slights and put-downs. For
example, let’s say Caprice breaks a
date with Tom. That week, Tom thinks up
144 possible rosy scenarios of why she
broke her word. He didn’t think of
Reason 145, the only one that counts,
which states that Caprice has zero
interest in him (Dating Rule No. 1: Women
with high Interest always keep
dates.). The Bottom Line Factor also says that
if Tom were reflective and had thought
about it, he would have asked himself how
many dates he has broken in his life.
Answer? (Hint: less than one.) If, after
some psychological detective work, Tom had
discovered that Caprice broke the date
because her father did not give her a
bicycle on her tenth birthday like he had
promised; it still wouldn’t have made
a difference. The Bottom Line Factor says
that if she breaks the date, she is not
interested in Tom. Sadly, most men call
back for another beating rather than
utilize The Bottom Line Factor. If you never want to be a guest on the
Jerry Springer show, then allow me protect
your heart. If you are a guy who wants to
keep Miss Right forever, and not share her
with her good-looking boss or lose her in
divorce court - then please allow me to be
your relationship coach. Starting in two weeks, I will answer
all of your romantic love questions from a
man’s perspective. So set your ego
aside, learn to laugh at yourself, and
e-mail me at doclove@doclove.com
and I will give you a snappy answer to
your silly love question – one loaded
with truth. You do what I say, and Miss
Right will rob banks for you. When I get
done with you, you will need more security
than Julio Iglesias. However, to protect
the guilty, I promise to not use your real
name, or give it out. All questions will
be answered, but only the ones of general
interest printed. Please be specific and
don’t ramble. Visit me at www.doclove.com
or 800-404-2644. In this article, we covered my
definitions of the Reality Factor and The
Bottom Line Factor, which support my
approach to successful relationships. In
next week’s article, I will cover the
three factors that make or break a
successful long-term romantic
relationship. © 2000,
DocLove DotCom |
Archive 
