Women Don't Lie
Men Don't Listen
Archive '00

Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the issue of Relationships. This section is the 2000 Archive of DocLove's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archive 2004, 2003a, 2003b, 2002a, 2002b, 2001.

DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions from a man’s perspective. So, set your ego aside, learn to laugh at yourself, and e-mail him at doclove@doclove.com or call 800.404.2644 and he will give you a snappy answer to your silly love question – one loaded with truth. You do what he says, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When he gets done with you, you will need more security than Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, he promises not to use your real name, or give it out. All questions will be answered, but only the ones of general interest printed. Please be specific and don’t ramble.

Can a Man Avoid Game Players when Using the Pesonals?
Can a Woman Love You Without Touching You?
Can Hard Times Affect a Woman's Interest Level?
Can You Turn Friendship into Romance?
Dealing with Mixed Messages in the Game of Love
Do Ernest and Julio Gallo Hold the Key to Women?
Does a Woman with High Interest Level Give You the Run-Around?
Do Not Talk about Sex!
Stop Chatting and Ask for the Home Phone Number!
What if Your Woman Wants to Dance with Someone Else?
Why Does She Always Bring Her Kid on the Date?
Why is he Terrorizing Her?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen

Other Relationship Issues, Books

Do Not Talk about Sex!


Dear Doc,

I’m addicted to watching the show “Blind Date.” Here in Los Angeles it plays twice a day, once at six and then again at eleven. Each show is different and it is absolutely fascinating to watch, even more so now that I have an understanding of “The System.” 

One of the things that has really struck me since I’ve gotten hip to your philosophy is seeing how many different guys bring up the subject of sex or make sexual innuendoes on the date. I would say that eight out of ten guys do it. And, just about every single time they do, you can see the girl, their date, either cringe or back away or look disappointed or annoyed or even get insulted, depending on the way that the guy brings up the subject.

I know that you say to never talk about sex at all during the first sixty days of dating. When I heard that, I knew you were right but after watching many, many episodes of “Blind Date I really see how it backfires every time. I have never seen it work to the guy’s advantage in any way. It’s a stupid thing to do isn’t it?

So why do us guys talk about sex on a first date so frequently? And why do we continue to do it throughout the date even when it’s blatantly obvious that the woman is getting turned off? How have we all become so programmed to think that we have to be Mr. Sexy and that women like that when they obviously don’t?

Please, Doc, share your insights.

Donovan - who just wants to know why

Hi Donovan,

I’m glad that your awareness level has gone up. You’ve done what most guys are unable to do. You’ve set your ego aside. When you’re able to do that, you can see things as they really are, not how you think they should be. Way too many guys think that talking about sex, nudity and private bodily functions on a first date, is a positive, helpful thing to do. But, as we observe people’s behavior from an objective perspective, the brutal truth is revealed: talking about sex on a first date is destructive.

I’ll tell you Donovan; I’ve watched numerous episodes of “Blind Date” myself. It’s quite entertaining and educational too. I’m able to determine, as soon as the door opens, whether the guy has a chance or not, because I can read the subtleties of body language. I can predict the outcome of the date way before he torpedoes the whole deal by making an erotic innuendo in the first minute and a half.

So I definitely encourage you to continue watching the show. You can learn a great deal from it. Keep fine tuning your body language reading skills, and see how early into the segment you can ‘call it’ as to whether or not the guy is going to get a really nice kiss at the end of the date. (The host almost always comments on the type of kiss the guy got from the girl, or the absence of a kiss.)

And, yes indeed, it is absolutely mind boggling to see how many guys, time after time after time, sabotage any chance they have with the woman by talkin' trash.

Here are some actual examples of the types of things guys say, from episodes of “Blind Date” that were broadcast. They range from subtly uncool to quite crass to downright disgusting:

“Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever made love?”

 “Have you ever considered working as a stripper?”

 "I can see that you sure do take good care of your … body.”

 “Have you ever run naked on the beach?

 So how many different guys have you been with?”

“My oh my you do have a fine booty.” 

“You’re a teacher? Hmmm - I guess every college freshman’s fantasy is to have sex with his beautiful teacher.” 

“So did you hear the one about the frog who couldn’t stop farting?”

Yes, Donovan, the average guy seems to have the idea that if he makes juvenile comments about his date’s body, that she will think that he is clever and confident. He thinks that she will experience him as being extra masculine and gutsy if he tells a tasteless joke. But Mr. Macho Boy is an idiot. His behavior is having the opposite effect of what he imagines, plus, he fails to read her negative signals, facial expressions and body language. 

How has the American male become brainwashed into thinking that this kind of behavior is productive? I lay much of the blame on Hollywood and the Music Industry. In fictional fantasy La La Land, the Hero gets away with all kinds of things that would never play in real life. In Rap videos, the music star bumps and grinds and talks trash, while hordes of gorgeous women do nothing but worship him. It doesn’t take much exposure to this kind of craziness to warp your values.

Hollywood brainwashing, along with a lack of positive mentors and role models for boys, no fathers in the home and an overall lack of education about manners, are the other contributing factors. Donovan, tell all your buddies that they do not gain anything by talking about sex on a date. When they do, they do not become more interesting or charming or sexy.

If a girl has super high Interest Level in a guy, then she’ll overlook these kinds of comments, but, THEY STILLL DO NOTHING to RAISE HER INTEREST LEVEL IN HIM! On the average first date, the guy starts out with the girl having about 60 to 70 percent Interest Level in him at best, so he cannot afford to go down that risqué’ road.

Talk of sex or nudity or intimate bodily functions is high-risk activity. About 95% of the time, nice girls, even ones who read Cosmo, don’t want to talk about something so personal and intimate with someone they don’t know.

And think about this. How would you like if some guy went out with your little sister and stated talking about “getting laid” on the first date? You’d want to punch his lights out wouldn’t you?  

So, never bring up the subjects of race, religion, politics or sex on a date, because we don’t want you to get into an argument, and win, and then lower the woman’s Interest Leve. 

Remember guys, you never want to tell her what’s really on your mind.

Why is he Terrorizing Her?


Hi Doc,

I've been watching this beautiful girl on campus. I phoned her two weeks ago, not using my real name. I told that I was from another campus and that I happened to see her when I visited her campus. The first thing she wanted to know is how I had got her phone number, so I told that one of my friends took it off someone’s phone. Anyway, she wanted to know what I wanted, so I told her that I wanted to get to know her. 

She asked me why would I want to get to know her. I told her that I liked what I saw on the outside and I wanted to see if the inside does the outside justice. She gave me a giggle. She then said that I shouldn’t call her again. I told that if she gave me a good reason why I shouldn’t call, that I wouldn’t call her again.

Then she tells me that she doesn’t know me. I told her I could change that. Then she tells me that wouldn’t change anything. She's just not interested. Then I told her that she was jumping to conclusions. All I want is to get to know her, be her friend and see what happens from there.

Then she asks me where I was from and what I was studying. I asked her where she was from and what she was studying and it was going pretty well. I asked whether I could call her again, she tells me no. So anyway I told her that I would call her in two weeks time. She didn’t say yes or no.

I phoned her tonight and we started all over again. I asked if she remembered who I was. She said no, so I refreshed her memory. She then tells me that I shouldn’t call her again. She told me that she has no interest in guys because her studies were her first priority and that I should save my phone bill for that one special person.

So I told her that special person might be her. She told me it's not her. She then started cross examining me again, trying to get more information about me. Anyway she told me that she had to go and has a test on Tuesday to study for, and I shouldn’t call her again.

So Doc, what do I do now?

Terry - who just wants to be loved

Hi Ter,

Did you know that you’re a Feminsta’s fantasy come true? Guys like you give the male bashers more ammo to use to justify their “all men are creeps” propaganda. Plus, you’re part of the reason that there’s a “War of the Sexes” in America today.

You’d better wake up Dude. What you’re doing with this girl is dangerous. And the saddest thing about your question is that you don’t have a clue that you’re doing anything wrong.

I teach men to be a Challenge and to be positively mysterious, but not creepily mysterious like you’re being in this situation. Haven’t you ever seen a film where the woman is being stalked by an obsessive guy who doesn’t have the self-confidence to approach her properly? You’re that guy, Terry.

A surprise call from a complete stranger is guaranteed to attack a woman’s comfort level, make her feel quite concerned and possibly frightened. So, you should never, ever call any woman for a date when she hasn’t directly given you her phone number herself. Are you getting the drift Terry?

You said that you saw her on campus. So why didn’t you just walk up to her and say something like: “Hi. My intuition tells me that you’re a Psychology major. Am I right?” Something positive and non-threatening, like a normal guy might do. Then you might have had a shot at getting her number and actually getting her out on a date. But your courtship technique is straight out of the Troubled Loser’s Handbook.

But the girl you’ve been harassing is not without blame in this situation either. She must be some kind of Bimbo because any clinically sane gal would have cut you off immediately. Instead, she foolishly encouraged you by engaging you in further conversation. I think that she’s just too stupid to realize that she was being terrorized by you. Lucky for you she doesn’t have more brains or else you might have wound up having a little visit from the Sheriff.

Terry, you need to build your social skills so you feel comfortable and confident meeting women face to face. Perhaps a bit of counseling and a self esteem seminar or two would get you going in the right direction. In the meantime, stay off the telephone. If you don’t, you may soon find yourself being handcuffed and taken to a confined space with a new 300 pound roommate named Bubba.

Remember, guys, never attack a woman’s comfort level.

Stop Chatting and Ask for the Home Phone Number!


Hey Doc,

A waitress I like works at a restaurant I go to a lot. I gave her my business card and on a couple of occasions after that, we spoke about going out sometime. She was very open to the idea.

Before leaving town for a holiday, she gave me her cell phone number. I called her and we had a nice chat. When she got back, we talked a little about her vacation while I was at the restaurant. Later that evening, we had a long chat over the phone.

I eventually called her and asked her out. She responded by asking, “Why me?” I explained that I wanted to get to know her better. When I mentioned that we would go to the theatre, she seemed to like the idea. She then asked me when I needed to know for certain whether or not she could go because she wasn’t sure about the whole thing and wanted to think it over very carefully. I said that the earlier she told me the better because I was getting the tickets and I wanted the best seats.

She called me the next night to say that she had thought a lot about my offer, and though she would love to go to the theatre, she had to respectfully decline. She was sorry for disappointing me, but she didn’t think it was a good idea to mix business and pleasure. I told her that I understood and I respected her wishes. She thanked me a lot for being so understanding and that very few men were as understanding as I was. We carried on a while longer, having a whole other chat.

Though we didn’t go out, she was very nice and decent about the whole thing. All in all, I think things ended nicely. What do you think, Doc?

Frederick – who wants to know what his next move is

Hi Frederick,

If you were only interested in a chatting partner, then things went great, but if you were looking for a girlfriend, I’d say you failed miserably. Chatting was all you ever did with this girl, Frederick. Well, at least no one could ever accuse you of coming on too heavy!

You remind me of certain salesmen from my selling days who could put on a beautiful presentation but never close the deal. Chatting is fine when you lack crucial details about a woman (like her name) but after a while, the chatting has to cease and you have to ask for the order – the woman’s home phone number.

Notice that I said: ask for her home phone number - not her work number or cell phone number. Why? Because only the home phone number demonstrates sufficient female Interest Level; the other numbers are meant to appease you and keep you at arm’s length (not to mention that they are prone to problems such as sudden disconnections due to angry bosses or freeway overpasses).

So, as you can see, Frederick; you asked what your second move was, when in reality, you had not even made your first move.

But neglecting to ask for her home phone number wasn’t your only error. Giving this lady your business card and repeatedly talking about going out (before actually making a date) also hurt your cause.

Women love confidence. But when a man tries to broach the subject of dating by dropping hints, it makes him appear timid. Rightly or wrongly, she perceives his business cards and his nebulous suggestions to “go out sometime” as cowardly measures to avoid her disapproval. As a man, you must have the guts to brave rejection and ask the woman out directly. You must act as if her opinion doesn’t affect you. In fact, it doesn’t. Why not? Because you only care about finding that lucky woman who has high Interest Level in you; you’re not trying to get the approval of every woman in town.

Before you think I will only devote space in my column to pick on you, Frederick, let me say that your girl’s record isn’t clean either. First, she threw you a curve ball when she asked, “Why me?” It’s hard to find a better indicator of low Interest Level than a girl playing dumb after you ask her out. I’ll bet she even fluttered her eyelashes for dramatic effect!

Then she said to you: “I need to think it over very carefully.” You only asked her out to the theatre, not to move to Mongolia! This girl gets an “A” in Women’s Stalling Techniques 101. “Needing to think” about going out on a date is Woman Talk for: “I’ve already forgotten about it!”

Then she added, “Thank you for your understanding,” Which was Woman Talk for: “Thank you for not going berserk on me like the last guys I tricked.” First, she waits until the absolute last minute to tell you she never had high Interest Level in you - then she thanks you for excusing her behavior through your words. You made her work so easy! This is a good example of, as the column title states: “Women Don’t Lie – Men Don’t Listen.”

By settling for this girl’s cell phone number instead of her home phone number, and for chats instead of a real date, you swallowed this girl’s hooks whole! And being the big fish that you are, Frederick, you kept biting - hoping that eventually, she would pull you into her love boat. Instead, you ended up on a tramp steamer. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “She worked you over good, boy!”

It’s truly shocking how you were so pleased over nothing, Frederick - but that’s why I was put on earth: to make sure that you good guys out there never get confused or rejected again! As for your next move, Frederick, flush that number down the toilet where it belongs, eat at another restaurant, and only chat with the women who date you!

Remember, guys – in sales or in dealing with women, you’ve got to “Close, close, close.”

Can a Woman Love You Without Touching You?


Hey Doc,

Is it normal for a couple to make love once every four to five months? I could easily make love everyday, but my wife of twelve years has lost interest. She claims it's a side effect of the medicine she takes for panic attacks, but in reality, her interest in sex went away a few years before the medicine. At that time, her excuse for her lack of interest was the panic attacks themselves (Catch-22?). She claims that she loves me, but I sometimes wonder if that’s really the case. What do you think, Doc?

Terry – who wants to know if she can ever get back in the mood

Hey Ter,

I bet you’re hearing these lines:

“Please, Terry, is that all you think of?” “We just did it four months ago!” “Have you been looking at those movies again?” “Don’t touch me!” Even a cold cat likes to be stroked – so what’s her excuse?

No offense, guy, but if you have to ask the first question from your letter, then you don’t know what normal is. Don’t you think that some wives out there still chase hubby around the dining room table when the kids are away, even after twelve years of cloying sameness? I’m telling you that such women do exist! On the other hand, I know there are millions of miserably married men out there who rationalize their loveless lives because of their three brats and their 30-year house loan. You’re not alone in your ignorance of healthy relationships, Ter.

Your wife blames her medication for her deep freeze mode, but you said her problem began years before. Can you see the convenient consistency in her two excuses? In both cases, she doesn’t have to touch you.

Yes Ter, she did put you into a Catch-22 situation. The great thing about her health excuse is that you become the ogre if you try to be intimate with her. She may even end up saying that you are the cause of her panic attacks! In fact, I would venture to say that panic attacks aren’t your wife’s real problem - attacks of Low Interest Level are!

To be sure about her actual degree of feelings for you, here’s a test you can use. Ask yourself if she has ever done any of the following for you:

1. Put her arms around you and/or kissed you for no reason

2. Complimented you on your looks

3. Sat very close to you at a restaurant or on the couch at home

4. Gave you a massage

– in other words, has she ever been all over you? If she hasn’t, you may have married a Professional Dater – a woman who marries in spite of her low Interest Level.

Why are the above gestures so important? Because they show affection - the natural result of high Interest Level - which in a happy marriage, leads to lovemaking.

No matter what her physical condition may be, a clinically sane woman with high Interest Level in her husband (or in any other guy), can always express affection. But when her Interest Level is in the dumps, this task becomes too uncomfortable for her to accomplish.

Because a woman with high Interest Level would do anything to please you, she would show you affection even if she were lying in a hospital bed in a body cast! Seriously, Ter – can’t you see that a woman who really loved you would be willing to come up with some kind of love compromise? Unless you left some important details out of your question, Ter, I’d say your wife is unwilling to work with you toward a solution – which means that your marriage is in a tailspin. Sorry, guy.

Ter – You have a lot of soul-searching to do. You must determine whether or not your moral and religious background says you must stay with a woman who does not love you. If you do stay, wear a happy face and be sweet to her – especially in front of your kids, if you have any.

Remember guys, happily married women with high Interest Level don’t nag, get headaches, or ever refuse a kiss!

Why Does She Always Bring Her Kid on the Date?


Hey Doc,

I am smitten with a beautiful redhead who has a three year-old daughter. She told me from the beginning that she wasn't looking for anyone because she didn’t want anyone telling her how to raise her little girl. Apparently, she had had a bad relationship with her daughter’s father, which ended with her kicking him out of the house for becoming a drunk right after her daughter was born. I know I should have listened to her, but I started spending a lot of time with her - along with her daughter and mine, who were always with us. We were just like a family, except there was no intimacy.

One day I finally asked her if we were just friends or if there was a chance our relationship could develop into something more. She said there was a chance, but that she was not ready yet and would like us to be just friends right now.

I know I should move on, but I’m crazy about her. My question is, should I believe that I have a chance with her and hold on, or should I just move on? Is there anything I can do to win her over or was the relationship dead when she said the word “friends”? Any advice will be most appreciated.

Oscar – who wants to know if he should wait for her

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar…

When you - or any guy - ask, “Is there a chance?” something should tell you that you don’t. Why” Because as my cousin, Father Love would say, “If you have to ask, the answer is no.”

When a woman likes you, she lets you know it. Unfortunately, most men only look at their feelings and overrate hers. Your quips about being “smitten” and “crazy about her” demonstrate to me that your high Interest Level has smothered your objectivity.

Besides having a low Interest Level problem - she told you she wasn’t looking for anyone, which in Woman Talk means: “I’m not looking for anyone fitting your description!” - this woman also seems to have an attitude problem. When she snarled, “No man is going to tell me how to raise my kid!” she was directing her message at you! You had barely met her and already she was laying down the law (a woman usually waits a little longer to bare her teeth at a guy – typically after he starts panting after her like a dog in heat!). Growling warnings at you doesn’t sound loving to me; instead, it shows that she has a chip on her shoulder the size of Montana. Hey - she may have had an ex who only braked for liquor stores, but that’s no excuse for her to browbeat the rest of men-kind. After all, she only has herself to blame for her previous poor choices in men. Touché!

Of course there’s never any intimacy to your outings, Oscar – she always has her kid around! The truth is: she’s using her as a shield against intimacy. I’m for family togetherness and I think it is good that all four of you get along, but you need to find out if the two of you get along. You would find this out if she ever gave you the opportunity; the fact that she hasn’t after all this time should tell you something!

She is obviously happy with the pattern she has with you. In her mind, the four of you can keep things just as they are forever at arm’s length. You may feel comfortable with this arrangement, Oscar, but romantically, it’s a big waste of time. Why? Because it will never raise her Interest Level.

You will never move from “just friends” to loving soul mates because The Reality Factor states that it takes two with high Interest Level to tango. I’m afraid your girl has left you dancing by yourself, Oscar.

You should take her words about you having a chance with her about as seriously as the suggestion that Yassir Arafat might someday grace the cover of People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. When a woman says she’s “not ready” for a romantic relationship, it means in Woman Talk that the earth would blow asunder before she would give you a real date.

What are your actual chances? Well, they would be a lot better if you got her to leave her little darling at home - fat chance! To know your chances for sure, tell her you want to leave the kids with a baby sitter - you’ll find out soon enough where you stand! Of course, if she doesn’t go along with this proposal, then it’s adios, baby.

Oscar, in spite of the way this girl knowingly gives you false hope I must give her credit for being somewhat up front with you. Unfortunately, like most guys out there with extreme Interest Level, you didn't heed her admonition. That’s OK – now that you have The “System,” you won’t make this mistake again.

Remember, guys: you are looking for someone to love you, not waste your time - so choose accordingly. Don’t let dreams of an ideal family life with Miss Right make you overlook her flaws. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “What makes a women good is her attitude.”

Can Hard Times Affect a Woman's Interest Level?


Hi Doc,

I have been dating this woman seriously for the past three months. Recently she has gone through some stressful times - for example: she got into a fight with her mom, a friend informed her that he had cancer, and she’s had difficulty with some of her college classes. Another male friend of hers invited her to go to Las Vegas for the weekend, but she declined because she didn't want him to get the "wrong idea." I thought that was a great sign that our relationship meant something to her.

Her birthday is next week, so I invited her to go with me to Vegas over the weekend. She accepted my invitation at first, but then she said shedidn't want to go because I told her I would be attending a convention for three hours on Saturday night. She said that though it would be a great time for her to catch up on her schoolwork, she didn't want to spend that much time alone. I told her I have friends up there now who would hang out with her during those three hours, but she still doesn't want to go.

I've been trying to attribute her behavior to it being "that time of the month" for her, but it's becoming more and more difficult to do so. Please help!

Harold – who wants to know how to cheer her up

Hi Harold,

Let’s get something straight: just because your girlfriend turned down another guy's advances, it doesn't mean she did so for you. She may have chosen not to elope to Sin City with him out of a sense of integrity or because she feels nothing for the both of you! To get a more accurate reading of your beloved’s Interest Level in you, you will need to submit her to another set of trials.

Speaking of trials, Harold – though hard times may be influencing your girlfriend’s moods, they wouldn’t have had any effect on her feelings towards you. In fact, nothing can raise or lower that score; not family arguments at home, not the health of her friends, not her Art History class, and - contrary to what you and many other guys think – not her raging female hormones. Nothing can cause a drop in a woman’s Interest Level except for one thing: the man’s actions.

Harry, your girlfriend’s quibbling over spending a measly three hours in a hotel room by herself showed that she wasn’t turned off by the trip to the Nevada desert as much as she was turned off by you. You need to stop making excuses for her broken date (which is a mortal sin according to The “System”) and start asking yourself: “Could any of my past actions have possibly turned her off?” The answer may surprise you.

To start with, I know you committed a no-no when you tried to use this pleasure trip to kill two birds with one stone. If you are trying to be romantic with your LadyLove, you cannot cut a date in two, with a three-hour work break in between. If it's her birthday, you should give her 100% of your attention (On the other hand, if she were flexible and had high Interest Level, she probably would have overlooked your faux pas and allowed you to mix a little business with her pleasure - more on your girlfriend’s Interest Level later.).

Your choice of rendezvous destinations caused another problem. By choosing Lost Wages, you copied another guy's date idea - which made you look like you put no effort into coming up with a surprise of your own, which diluted the power of your gift. Couldn't you have thought of something original?

Gifts are a big deal to women. When men do something they hate in order to surprise a woman (like shopping), she gives him points for being romantic - and romance is one third of the male magic formula that keeps a woman in love with a guy, even if he is an uncouth, lumbering Neanderthal! Most guys don't realize how important the right gift at the right time is - until they get the wrong gift and Miss Right’s Interest Level takes a dip. I’m sorry you had to find this out the hard way, buddy.

One other unfortunate aspect of your gift mimicry, Harold, is that you inadvertently played a losing game of one-upmanship. In your sweetie’s mind, you were trying to match another man's moves, which gave you an air of jealousy and possessiveness. It's as if you were imitating a Macho Boy saying, "It's my job to take you to Vegas, not his!" She will deduct points from her Interest Level due to your apparent lack of confidence and self-control.

In spite of your missteps, Harold, I have to say that in the grand scheme of things, your mistakes were minor - that’s why I believe that your girl was looking for an excuse to break her date with you. If she really had high Interest Level, she would have given you smiles and hugs for the birthday present, not stalling tactics.

For now, Harold, I think you should back off of your girlfriend for a while and avoid getting too caught up with her problems. Oh, you should definitely be supportive - but don’t try to impress her or try to get her out of her funk through distractions. Give her a simple gift, like a rose with a birthday card – then step back. If her Interest Level in you is above 50%, then her emotional storm will blow over and she will thank you for being stable like The Rock of Gibraltar. At that point, she will be ready to run away to The Bellagio Hotel or The Luxor Hotel with you. But if her rain clouds don’t clear up, then you should take a rain check on getting more involved with her.

Guys - if you plan to keep a woman over the long haul, then use adversity to learn how she will react when the going gets tough. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say: “You marry her Interest Level but you live with her attitude.”

Can You Turn Friendship into Romance?


Hi Doc,

I've known a girl named Charlotte since I was in the sixth grade. We've always been close friends, always talking to each other about everything. We both started our first year of University together two years ago and at that time I didn't do so well and flunked out. We didn't have much contact last year while I was working and she was still in school, but this past summer things have changed. I called her up and asked her out to a movie, same routine we normally did. She said OK and came and picked me up (I don’t have my license anymore, another long story but not really relevant). So after the movie was over she invited me back to her place for coffee and we started talking to each other about our lives and what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. The next thing I knew we were kissing on her couch. It just felt natural, like it was something we were supposed to do.

We will see each other again this Christmas and I really want this to work out. I think she does too, but what I wanted to ask is: Am I setting myself up here for a bad fall? Is it possible that longtime friends can have a romantic relationship with one another? I know we're only 20, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. I know she has strong feelings for me too because she has told me she loves me and I can't think of a time in my life when on some level I haven't loved her as well. 

Butch – who really would appreciate your opinion on this matter

Hi Butch, 

Wow! What a great woman you have – not like most I talk about in my column. You flunked out of school and lost your license, and she still has feelings for you. Most girls would have dropped you for more petty transgressions, like not spending more money on them - but she hung in there. This is truly a success story. Don’t get me wrong guys, I always want you to put your best foot forward, but this shows you what a woman with high Interest Level will put up with. 

She is also loyal, and loyalty is the most important virtue your future wife can have. If you don’t believe me, just imagine how devastating it would be to one day find your true love smooching with your best buddy. When a woman is loyal she tends to be trustworthy, and all successful long-term relationships are also built on trust. 

Because you played it cool for 8 years, Butch, you allowed Challenge to work on her. That’s why when you kissed her, you didn’t hear: “Not so fast, Butch.” The “System” says: “the woman lets the man know when it is time”, and she let you know that it was time when she invited you back to her place for some necking. So in your unique case, yes, it is possible for long term friends to have a romantic relationship. 

But guys, don’t be deluded by this statistical fluke. Most of the time, once a girl has decided that you’re her friend, getting her to switch tracks and start thinking of you romantically, is like trying to get Jesse Jackson to vote Republican. What you usually hear when you try to make the shift from buddy to boyfriend, are those five words that strike terror in the hearts of good men: “Can’t we just be friends?” To avoid this discouraging scenario, always let the woman you’re interested in know up front that you’re there to date her, not befriend her. 

Butch, I think this girl is a good candidate for the long haul because she has high Interest Level in you and just as important, she respects you, despite your shortcomings. But before you two tie the knot, you should ask yourself: If I’m not capable of maintaining a valid driver’s license, would I be capable of maintaining a valid marriage license (a long term committed relationship with a woman)? Do you see what I’m getting at, Butch? So you have some work to do on your life skills before you ‘re ready for Matrimony. But I’m very optimistic that one day you will find yourself driving your new bride off into the sunset to your honeymoon hideaway. Just be sure not to drive at 95 miles an hour – unless your dad is Vice President. 

Remember guys, what the Mafia and Fido have in common; they know that loyalty is Numero Uno. ”

Dealing with Mixed Messages in the Game of Love


Hi Doc,

I love your articles and writing style. I've been out on one date with this woman and I wanted to do things right, so I ordered the "System”. The problem is that your stuff probably won't get to me for a few days (maybe a week?) and I think I need help! Here are the facts:

We met, I asked for her number, waited a week and we made plans to meet downtown at an Orioles baseball game. Things went pretty well, except she was asking me a lot of questions and I couldn't seem to turn the tables on her. I felt like I was on the hot seat! I didn’t' tell her anything revealing and I tried to keep it light. I think I did okay because at one point she complimented me on my shirt and told me I reminded her of someone famous, although she couldn't remember who (hopefully, not Jack the Ripper!). Anyhow, the only downside was that the date seemed to end quickly due to the fact that we realized when we were leaving, that we were parked in totally opposite directions. I did offer to walk her to her car, but she said it was late and politely declined. Does this mean anything?

I definitely want to ask this woman out again and I have a couple of questions. Exactly how long should I wait to call after the first date and is it too much pressure to suggest that the next date be a Saturday night dinner date? Also, should I leave her a message if I get her answering service and wait to see if she calls me back or should I try to get her in person?

Isaiah – who appreciates any help you can give

Hi Isaiah,

First of all Isaiah, congratulations for having the patience and discipline to wait a full seven days to call this girl. The average guy with a hot phone number is like an un-housebroken puppy in a newly carpeted living room. It doesn't take long for him to lose control and when he does, he makes a big mess out of everything. Unlike those panting pups, you Isaiah used the most powerful dating strategy available to mankind, if he has the guts to use it - Challenge. When you give a woman some time to wonder why you haven't called, she's even more interested in you when you finally do. Holding back makes you more intriguing, mysterious and way more desirable!

I also commend you for working hard to keep the conversation focused on your date rather than yourself. Now here's a tip: When she's peppering you with questions and you find yourself getting uncomfortable, just ask her the same or a similar question to the one that she's just asked you. It's often easier than wracking your brain for new things to ask and it keeps you both on the same wavelength.

Also remember that curiosity is often a sign of high interest, so I'm glad your date was asking you lots of questions. Compare her behavior to all the women you've met who hardly asked you one thing about yourself. They make you wonder: "Gee is this girl totally lacking a personality or is it just me?"

Next, let me recommend that from now on you always pick your date up at her home. There are many reasons for doing this: 1) It's the chivalrous and gentlemanly thing to do. 2) You get to spend more time getting to know each other while driving together. 3) A woman who won't allow you to pick her up at her home is either uptight or has low Interest Level.

What you still should have done was to simply start walking your date to her car without asking her if it was OK. That way you appear to be confident and classy, and you can't be faulted for being protective of her. If she insists on going it alone, then it's even more clear that she's not even close to starting to think of you as her hero. You have to ask yourself: would a woman who likes and respects me not want me to walk her to her car late at night in a ballpark parking lot full of beer guzzling crazies? When she "politely declined” your offer Isaiah, that was a big red flag. Her excuse for not having you escort her was "it’s late". Wait a minute. It's late? All the more reason for a lady to want a gentleman to escort her to her car. So obviously, you've gotten some mixed messages from this gal.

Your next step is to flush her out by getting her on the phone (do not leave any messages) and ask her out for a weeknight. Let her wonder whom you're saving your weekends for. That way you are seen as.... you guessed it...a Challenge. And make sure to ask her for her home address so you can pick her up. If she balks, as they say in baseball, it's time for you to bunt and tear up her phone number. Many women would argue and say, "but she hardly knows him". To those women I say: Have you ever let a guy pick you up at your house on the first date? Their honest answer would be: "Well, only when my Interest Level in him was high.”

Remember guys, a woman with high Interest Level is consistently positive and never gives you mixed signals in the game of love.

Do Ernest and Julio Gallo Hold the Key to Women?


Hey Doc,

I met a girl on a blind date. She's 21 and I'm 29. We went to a bookstore and hung out at a bar. At first, she was shy, so I bought her a few drinks. After three wine coolers, she loosened up and made it clear she was attracted to me.

At three different times during the date, I went to the bathroom only to see a different guy sitting in my place by the time I got back. Each time, the girl, the guy, and I joked about it - but inside, I was fuming.

By the end of the night, things got pretty hot and heavy between the girl and me (although we only kissed) so I told her I would call her.

When I did call her Sunday night, she said she was sick, so she would call me back later. I sent her an email stating: "I hope you are feeling better." She replied with: "Thanks for your e-mail. I'm feeling much, much better. I'll be out until late tonight, but I'll try to give you a call later." I haven't heard from her since.

Do you think I handled this girl right? In reality, I think she is too young for me, but I could always use the practice for the real thing. What do you think?

Angelo - who wants to know what happened

Hi Angelo,

To paraphrase an old adage - "Candy is dandy, but Night Train is quicker!" The problem comes when your girl tries to pick up the football team in the middle of your date!

Sure, a woman's Interest Level appears to rise with each belt of Thunderbird you give her - but you cannot keep a woman tipsy all of the time! In a world filled with females who often give false signals of high Interest Level, you practically need a polygraph to know whether or not you've got the real thing on your hands. But to add alcohol to this equation is to make the truth damn near impossible to find out!

That's why a man must discover what a woman's feelings are for him without the three shots of Red Mountain.

Angelo, instead of trying to get this girl plastered, you should have asked yourself how three different guys managed to grab your chair when she was supposed to be guarding it for you? Was it too hard for her to utter the four little words: "This seat is taken"? Perhaps she was giving you a not-so-subtle hint that her feelings for you were lower than a wino's brain cell count. Maybe she was telling the rip-off artists: "Please sit here, I'm with a creep."

And consider this other important tidbit: this girl said she would "try" to call you back. The Reality Factor says: "Women with low Interest Level make vague promises while women with high Interest Level make commitments." If she were truly interested in you, she would have given you a definite time and date.

Decisiveness is what separates Real Women from the Strokers. Unfortunately, in your rush to get this girl to the bar counter, you missed this important point.

Angelo, it's not youth that's keeping this girl from you, it's her low Interest Level.

You would have seen this right away if you had chosen to intoxicate her with charm rather than with old grapes. For example, if you had gotten bored expressions during displays of your sparkling wit, you would have immediately known that your girl was unavailable for future dates. Conversely, any smiles and touches during your rendezvous would have showed you she cared.

From now on, Angelo, let your dates take a straight shot of your male strength qualities of Self-control, Confidence, and Challenge and if they don't respond, move on to those who will. Unless a woman likes you at least 51%, not even Ernest and Julio can help.

Guys, women who like you don't need to get boiled in grape juice in order to show it. Remember that it is not only cheaper to minimize alcohol use during the date, but there are no love hangovers in the morning to worry about!

What if Your Woman Wants to Dance with Someone Else?


Dear Doc Love,

My girlfriend and I have been dating each other for a little over a year. We are very much in love and are committed to each other. Recently, she has become more interested in being "accepted" at school and attending social functions. Since I cannot usually attend these functions, I am left out of that small portion of her life. I have no problem with her being with her friends; however, she recently asked me something that has disturbed me deeply.

She has a formal prom-like dance coming up in December and she wants to go to it "very badly" so she can be with her friends. I cannot attend it, or I would take her in an instant (and she knows it). She informed me (not asked, informed) that she is going to go with a male friend of hers. I immediately objected. 

In my mind, attending a formal dance that has a romantic atmosphere, and implies “couplish” connotations is a date. And moreover, for a girl with a boyfriend, it is an invitation for disaster. I told her that I don’t care if she goes to the dance, just not with another guy. She insists that if she goes alone she will look foolish, and therefore she “must” go with someone. She told me that I need to trust her and that she loves me and that if I did trust her, I wouldn't be so upset. She says I should know she has no feelings for anyone else other than me, and that she merely wants a companion for that evening. She claimed she understood my discomfort with the situation, but insisted that she will go in spite of her knowing how I feel.

Am I wrong to be upset? I feel like this is a sign of disrespect to our relationship and to my feelings. I also think that it is wrong for my girlfriend to go on a date with another guy when we are supposedly committed to each other. Lastly, I think that by doing all this, she is also giving the wrong impression of us to her friends and family, and by doing so, undermining the strength of our relationship. 

Help ASAP. Please. 

Milton – who wants to know if he is being unreasonable

Hi Milton,

So, she wants to be accepted at school… what grade is she in - third? Kidding aside, the obvious question is: why is it so important for her to go to this dance? You should think like a cop on Law & Order and ask yourself: is it the ballroom decorations she’s looking forward to seeing or is it the company that will be there with her? (Answer: she’s looking forward to seeing a guy and he’s not you!).

Of course a guy should always try to attend social events like the ones at your girlfriend’s school for the sake of maintaining a loving relationship, but I doubt that romantic neglect is your problem, Milt. I believe the real problem is that your ladylove plans her social calendar around your schedule on purpose. No, you’re not wrong to be upset. 

How dare your girlfriend try to put you on the defensive with her talk about “trust” when she’s the one angling to be in the arms of another guy! Under the guise of trust, she’s the one being untrustworthy. You may think my hunch about her is far-fetched, but consider these two pieces of evidence:

First – she already had a date picked out when she told you about the dance. If her intentions were pure, she would have asked you to have one of your mutual friends chaperone her - in other words, she would have made the choice of dancing partners a joint decision. But she was way ahead of you in this game. 

The second clue can be found in the answer to this question: would a woman with high Interest Level really be able to enjoy herself at a romantic dance without the one she loves? Of course not - unless she’s meeting him there! 

If it turns out that your girl’s prom date has been at all her other social functions as well, then we know that Mr. X is more than just a casual stand-in. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say: “When it comes to love, there are no accidents.”

In my opinion, the real shot fired across your bow came when your tru love informed you, “I’m going anyway.” Do you hear the ultimatum in that statement? So much for being loving and considerate. The Bottom Line Factor says that a woman is declaring her free agency when she makes such a statement. She is telling you in Woman Talk “We are no longer a team.”

So, what should you do, Milt? Well, you might try calling her bluff by telling her you can now make it to the dance and so now she can unload Mr. X. But chances are nine out of ten that she will say, “Oh, it would be unfair to him to back out now.” After all, why would she choose you over someone she really likes? 

One thing you should not do, under any circumstances, is lose your cool and try to take out your girl’s prom date with a deer rifle! The Bottom Line Factor says that a woman’s lack of Interest Level and integrity are the real culprits in love rip-offs, not “the other guy.”

Instead of objecting further to your ladylove’s act of war, let her bring up the subject of the dance again, and then respond with a big smile, “Have a nice time” - and never again return her phone calls.

Guys, when a woman starts playing hardball, you can be sure the relationship is over. When this happens, don’t allow the woman to drop you slowly. Instead, end the relationship immediately without talking or explanation. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love would say about women who are about to break up with a guy: “Give them nothing.” 

Does a Woman with High Interest Level Give You the Run-Around?


Excuse the long story, Doc!

I met a girl on the bus who immediately showed great interest in me (she asked me a ton of questions and kept touching my arm) but the next day on the bus, she seemed to ignore me!

I asked her on a date, and she was very enthusiastic about the idea, almost jumping for joy; but when I asked her for her phone number, she told me that she usually didn't give it to strangers and that I should email her instead. I thought this was a little strange, but I sent her an email anyway - and got no response.

A couple of days later, I told her that I hadn’t received her e-mail and she replied that she had been having problems with her computer and didn't have a chance to read it yet. I kept waiting in vain for her message until I finally decided to forget all about her.

I saw her again on the bus and kinda ignored her. After a few minutes, she changed seats to sit next to me. She then asked me if I wanted to go to a bar with her and have a drink. I said yes, and while we were there, she was all over me, asking me when we were going on our date because she couldn't wait any more! At that moment, she offered me her phone number, asked for mine, and made me promise to call her.

I asked her out and she accepted. Then the day before our date, she told me that a few of her friends she hardly ever sees asked her out on the same day and that I was invited to join them. I told her no, because she had a date with me that night and that she had to make up her mind to either go out with me or with her friends. She chose me, and we went out. It was fun, but she wasn't as flirty as before. In fact, she seemed a little nervous.

I later called her house for another date and her brother said she wasn't home. I left my phone number and asked him to have her call me back. She never called. She later told me that her brother told her “someone” had called, but not who. Of course, I didn't know if she was telling the truth.

When I asked her out for another date she told me that she that she was very busy and stressed out with her final exams, and that she couldn’t go out until they were over. 

After her exams, I saw her again. She told me that she finally had time for our date and was looking forward to it. I told her I would call the next day with the details, but she said I couldn't because she moved out of her parents' house and that she now temporarily lives with a girlfriend; therefore, she would call me. She then asked me for my phone number again because she left it at her parents' house. 

Well, surprise – I never received a phone call. Apparently, she had gone on vacation and even though she is now back, I haven’t received her call. It has been about three weeks since I’ve seen or heard from her. I don't have her new phone number so I can't call her myself. 

Is this girl still interested in me? If not, then why would she flirt with me and tell me she wants to go out? Why would she ask for my phone number again and tell me she would call me if she had no intentions of doing so? She could have easily said that she didn't have time or she just could have not mentioned it at all.

Please tell me what you think of this. I would be very grateful!

Trevor – who wants to know if he’s getting the run-around

Hi Trevor,

Whew! This girl has more excuses than Johnnie Cochran has police conspiracy theories!

Seriously, the number of times she lost your number was evidence enough that her Interest Level for you was lower than whale fertilizer. If she had the number of a guy she actually liked, she would have tattooed the digits on her stomach to prevent her from losing it. 

And if attempting to break your date so she could see her friends was bad enough, asking you to tag along was - as my cousin Rabbi Love would say - “Pure Chutzpah!” In this way, she could play with her buddies and make a fool of you at the same time (I have to give you kudos though for showing a backbone and getting the “N” word {no} out. Obviously, she acted nervous afterward - she was pouting over the way you busted her on her brazen act of disrespect!). 

Even though your girl acted excited at times, it means nothing. She may be on drugs – or more likely: she’s campaigning for an Academy Award in the “Faking High Interest Level” category. 

Contrary to the way you and many other men have been brainwashed, love is not complicated. When a woman likes you, she goes out with you – period. There are no conditions, curve balls, no need for her to call back, nor surprises. Consistency is the MO of a woman with a good attitude and high Interest Level. Sadly, Trevor, the only thing your woman is consistent about is her excuses.

So, why would a sane woman spend so much time and energy just to waste your time? Well, look at it this way: all women are born flirts; but while most of them only enjoy seeing trying to get a reaction from guys they like, a small sociopathic minority enjoys male strokes so much that they flirt with all guys, even those that mean absolutely nothing to them. To them, toying with a man’s affections is nothing but pure entertainment. The problem is, when guys take this game seriously, their hearts get beat up.

Thankfully, The “System” is there to help. It’s a screening process that saves you time and protects your heart from game players. If you had followed it consistently, Trevor, you would have thrown this girl out of your life the first time she asked you to e-mail her. That’s OK – you’ll know for the next time. 

Guys, when a woman acts like she likes you half of the time and acts cold the other half (before you are married!), it’s a huge red flag. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say: “Next!” 

Can a Man Avoid Game Players when Using the Pesonals?


Dear Doc Love,

I have a love challenge from Germany. I am a good-looking 29 year-old physician. I recently put an ad plus my photo on a singles website and a beautiful 26-year-old teacher answered it. Without asking her, she sent me her picture and phone number with her second e-mail. We later exchanged more photos and talked for hours a couple of times on the phone. She complimented my good looks, nice voice, etc. and told me she was dying to meet me.

The problem is that we live about 800 kilometers apart. Fortunately, I planned to be at a business conference near her hometown a week later. Together, we planned that I would visit her and we would spend the weekend together. 

We had not talked with each other for two weeks (I had been very busy), but this morning; I called her to see if everything was set. In response, she asked me to call her back a half an hour later because she was having breakfast! I know I should have asked her to call me back, but I’m a gentleman so I called her. Unfortunately, nobody answered!

I left the following message on her answering machine: "Listen, I don’t like playing games. Call me today so I can make plans for the upcoming weekend." Well, she did not call me, but about eight hours later, I received an e-mail telling me that she was having the most stressful period in her job right now and that she was moving into and renovating a new apartment and she could not make it for the weekend. She offered to invite me in a few weeks when everything was set in her life and expressed her regrets if she would lose me due to this incident. Strange creature, isn’t she?

How should I react to her, Doc?

Heinz – who wants to know if he should try again

Hi Heinz,

Strange creature is an understatement! You asked her out well in advance of the date and she neglected to mention that she was changing homes that day. How convenient. 99% of the time when someone moves, they think about the momentous day months before it arrives. Your girl apparently forgot all about it until the last minute. What a great opportunity to tell you a whopper! 

So she told you she was smitten after seeing a picture of you and hearing your voice a few times on the telephone - Heinz, that’s not the same thing as falling in love with you (It amazes me how guys fall for lines from people they haven’t even met.). In order for true love to occur, you have to pass the Physical Attraction Test, which requires an assessment of your body language and physical appearance - in other words, she has to meet you in person. Her willingness to verbalize high Interest Level with a virtual person should have given you a clue that something was rotten in the state of Germany. 

You didn’t take into account, Heinz, that when it comes to the personals, there are two types of women. One – the woman who is sincerely looking for a relationship and will thus give you a fair shot. And two - the game player, who leads poor schleps on through e-mail messages and telephone conversations (The Internet and Telephone Time Waster). The trick is to find the first type, while avoiding the second type.

Heinz, you got a few photos and some expensive phone bills, but you never got a date, so which camp do you think that puts your girl in? As my cousin Rabbi Love would ask: “Is this such a tough question?”

When a guy works the personals he must get to the Short Date (meeting briefly for coffee) ASAP. If, after exchanging photos and a phone call, she drags her feet about a face-to-face meeting, then you are talking to a woman who only loves male attention from afar. As The Reality Factor says - when there is reluctance on a woman’s part, there is low Interest Level. Simple, huh?

The best part of your letter was your girl’s breakfast stunt. “Call back in a half an hour” is Woman Talk for, “Call back when I’m sure I will have left the house!” Or worse: “Call back when I’m sure my boyfriend and I will have left the house!” By falling for this ruse, you gave up Self-control and proved that you weren’t as much a gentleman as you were a weak man. The truth is, if she really had high Interest Level, she would have tossed her breakfast into the garbage disposal because love is more important to women than food! She really worked you over on this one, while simultaneously giving you the kiss of death. 

She didn't “regret losing you” - in fact, she was planning on it! Apparently, someone else came into her life and since she had gotten tired of playing with you, it was time to move on. Heinz, you don’t really think this was the first time she has played this game, do you? If you do, I got some swampland on the Rhine to sell you! 

This girl has neither the Interest Level nor the consideration to make her worth pursuing. Count yourself lucky to have found this out sooner rather than later. If this thought doesn’t console you, then consider this, Heinz: you two didn't even meet, so there is no real reason to take her rejection personally. As far as you’re concerned, she rejected a stranger. 

Your experience proves my point, Heinz - spending hours conversing with a woman in cyberspace or incessantly shooting the bull with her over the phone is a waste of time. You may think something is going on, but in reality, it means absolutely nothing. Why? Because until you meet eyeball to eyeball, you are still strangers.

Guys - when using the personals follow The “System” and don’t let anyone waste your time. Remember that even with love the clock is always ticking. 

Can Hard Times Affect a Woman's Interest Level?


Hi Doc,

I have been dating this woman seriously for the past three months. Recently she has gone through some stressful times - for example: she got into a fight with her mom, a friend informed her that he had cancer, and she’s had difficulty with some of her college classes. Another male friend of hers invited her to go to Las Vegas for the weekend, but she declined because she didn't want him to get the "wrong idea." I thought that was a great sign that our relationship meant something to her.

Her birthday is next week, so I invited her to go with me to Vegas over the weekend. She accepted my invitation at first, but then she said shedidn't want to go because I told her I would be attending a convention for three hours on Saturday night. She said that though it would be a great time for her to catch up on her schoolwork, she didn't want to spend that much time alone. I told her I have friends up there now who would hang out with her during those three hours, but she still doesn't want to go.

I've been trying to attribute her behavior to it being "that time of the month" for her, but it's becoming more and more difficult to do so. Please help!

Harold – who wants to know how to cheer her up

Hi Harold,

Let’s get something straight: just because your girlfriend turned down another guy's advances, it doesn't mean she did so for you. She may have chosen not to elope to Sin City with him out of a sense of integrity or because she feels nothing for the both of you! To get a more accurate reading of your beloved’s Interest Level in you, you will need to submit her to another set of trials.

Speaking of trials, Harold – though hard times may be influencing your girlfriend’s moods, they wouldn’t have had any effect on her feelings towards you. In fact, nothing can raise or lower that score; not family arguments at home, not the health of her friends, not her Art History class, and - contrary to what you and many other guys think – not her raging female hormones. Nothing can cause a drop in a woman’s Interest Level except for one thing: the man’s actions.

Harry, your girlfriend’s quibbling over spending a measly three hours in a hotel room by herself showed that she wasn’t turned off by the trip to the Nevada desert as much as she was turned off by you. You need to stop making excuses for her broken date (which is a mortal sin according to The “System”) and start asking yourself: “Could any of my past actions have possibly turned her off?” The answer may surprise you.

To start with, I know you committed a no-no when you tried to use this pleasure trip to kill two birds with one stone. If you are trying to be romantic with your LadyLove, you cannot cut a date in two, with a three-hour work break in between. If it's her birthday, you should give her 100% of your attention (On the other hand, if she were flexible and had high Interest Level, she probably would have overlooked your faux pas and allowed you to mix a little business with her pleasure - more on your girlfriend’s Interest Level later.).

Your choice of rendezvous destinations caused another problem. By choosing Lost Wages, you copied another guy's date idea - which made you look like you put no effort into coming up with a surprise of your own, which diluted the power of your gift. Couldn't you have thought of something original?

Gifts are a big deal to women. When men do something they hate in order to surprise a woman (like shopping), she gives him points for being romantic - and romance is one third of the male magic formula that keeps a woman in love with a guy, even if he is an uncouth, lumbering Neanderthal! Most guys don't realize how important the right gift at the right time is - until they get the wrong gift and Miss Right’s Interest Level takes a dip. I’m sorry you had to find this out the hard way, buddy.

One other unfortunate aspect of your gift mimicry, Harold, is that you inadvertently played a losing game of one-upmanship. In your sweetie’s mind, you were trying to match another man's moves, which gave you an air of jealousy and possessiveness. It's as if you were imitating a Macho Boy saying, "It's my job to take you to Vegas, not his!" She will deduct points from her Interest Level due to your apparent lack of confidence and self-control.

In spite of your missteps, Harold, I have to say that in the grand scheme of things, your mistakes were minor - that’s why I believe that your girl was looking for an excuse to break her date with you. If she really had high Interest Level, she would have given you smiles and hugs for the birthday present, not stalling tactics.

For now, Harold, I think you should back off of your girlfriend for a while and avoid getting too caught up with her problems. Oh, you should definitely be supportive - but don’t try to impress her or try to get her out of her funk through distractions. Give her a simple gift, like a rose with a birthday card – then step back. If her Interest Level in you is above 50%, then her emotional storm will blow over and she will thank you for being stable like The Rock of Gibraltar. At that point, she will be ready to run away to The Bellagio Hotel or The Luxor Hotel with you. But if her rain clouds don’t clear up, then you should take a rain check on getting more involved with her.

Guys - if you plan to keep a woman over the long haul, then use adversity to learn how she will react when the going gets tough. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say: “You marry her Interest Level but you live with her attitude.”

Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen


Guys, are you dating someone special and you don’t want to lose her like all the others? Are you getting bad vibes because your girlfriend of six months only gets migraines when you try to kiss her goodnight at her doorstep? Does it bother you that your wife is meeting too many perverts in chat rooms on the Internet?

And to you Moms: Do you have a good son or nephew with a big heart and a big job but he is an idiot with women? Is your overgrown baby on his third divorce and hasn’t a clue? Do half of your grandkids live in another state with bikers, drinking Coors instead of milk?

If these apply to you, you’re in luck, because there is a new sheriff in town. Do you know what men do that women don’t? They fight reality in two areas of their lives. One, they don’t ask for directions when lost; and two, more importantly, they think that all women are illogical and inconsistent. But these men never ask themselves: “Why is it that certain guys never seem to get rejected by women or face Divorce Court?” or: "Could I be repeating mistakes from woman to woman that I am not aware of?” or the best: “Is it possible that women’s choices in men are consistent?”

Successful men know that happiness in romantic relationships is not due to luck - it’s due to using reliable principles and having a plan. Bill Gates doesn’t “wing it” when deciding which software market to enter - he has a business plan. If you want to be successful in your long-term romantic relationship, you can’t leave them up to chance, or to astrology, or to the other love doctors who all come from a female perspective – you need a plan to help you keep Miss Right mesmerized. The principles that you will get from my column will guide you the way a Thomas Bros. Map guides a U.P.S. driver to his destination. Guys, if what you’ve tried with women is only driving your emotions around in circles and bringing you pain instead of ecstasy, allow my principles be your roadmap instead.

The first concept that I will define is what I call The Reality Factor. It says: “Things are the way they are. If you go against reality, reality works against you, resulting in pain.” For example, let’s say that you decided one day that there is no Gravity, so you jump off the Empire State Building. While in the air, you can believe what you want, but when you hit the pavement, you will realize that you went against reality, resulting in extreme bodily pain. Or another example: You speed down the 5 Freeway at 120 mph at 2 a.m. with the lights off, the Reality Factor says you will experience the pain of having to defend yourself in court. Or another example: your female dates ask you to call back before the date to “verify,” and for some strange reason, these “call back to verify” dates only end with the dual pains of frustration and disappointment.

Men in successful relationships move with reality, they don’t fight it. Men, who constantly experience the pangs of rejection, propose marriage on the first date – over and over and over again.

Rejection, man’s most despised emotion, is the woman’s way of telling you, “You turn me off.” Read this column every week and you will never go through this painful experience again, because from now on, the Reality Factor will be your friend, not your nemesis.

The kissing cousin of the Reality Factor is the Bottom Line Factor, which states that: “Only a woman’s actions truly reflect her feelings toward you.” Men who are ignorant of this powerful concept rationalize a woman’s slights and put-downs. For example, let’s say Caprice breaks a date with Tom. That week, Tom thinks up 144 possible rosy scenarios of why she broke her word. He didn’t think of Reason 145, the only one that counts, which states that Caprice has zero interest in him (Dating Rule No. 1: Women with high Interest always keep dates.).

The Bottom Line Factor also says that if Tom were reflective and had thought about it, he would have asked himself how many dates he has broken in his life. Answer? (Hint: less than one.) If, after some psychological detective work, Tom had discovered that Caprice broke the date because her father did not give her a bicycle on her tenth birthday like he had promised; it still wouldn’t have made a difference. The Bottom Line Factor says that if she breaks the date, she is not interested in Tom. Sadly, most men call back for another beating rather than utilize The Bottom Line Factor.

If you never want to be a guest on the Jerry Springer show, then allow me protect your heart. If you are a guy who wants to keep Miss Right forever, and not share her with her good-looking boss or lose her in divorce court - then please allow me to be your relationship coach.

Starting in two weeks, I will answer all of your romantic love questions from a man’s perspective. So set your ego aside, learn to laugh at yourself, and e-mail me at doclove@doclove.com and I will give you a snappy answer to your silly love question – one loaded with truth. You do what I say, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When I get done with you, you will need more security than Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, I promise to not use your real name, or give it out. All questions will be answered, but only the ones of general interest printed. Please be specific and don’t ramble. Visit me at www.doclove.com or 800-404-2644.

In this article, we covered my definitions of the Reality Factor and The Bottom Line Factor, which support my approach to successful relationships. In next week’s article, I will cover the three factors that make or break a successful long-term romantic relationship.

© 2000, DocLove DotCom

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I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi Pirandello



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