Does Joaquin Phoenix ever do Things Wrong?
I read your weekly columns religiously, and I know from experience that everything you say is DEAD ON. There is one thing, however, that has thrown me for a loop, and it seems to be an exception to the laws of attraction.
A friend of mine Ill call Bill has been dating Cheryl for about five years now. Doc, believe me when I say that Bill does practically EVERYTHING against what you teach. He calls Cheryl every day, he buys her lame gifts all the time, and he gets instantly insecure and jealous anytime he sees her talking to another guy.
Also, in terms of being exciting, unpredictable and a Challenge, this guy has pretty much given up: Bill and Cheryl have a monthly anniversary of sorts where they always go to the same restaurant after a movie and have the perfunctory exchange of gifts.
Doc, it may sound like I hate Bill, and truth be told, I do resent him a little because this girl is still totally into him. She buys him gifts too, shes always cooking for him, and despite their occasional breakup, she always ends up back with him. The most amazing thing is that Cheryl is actually quite attractive. Heck, I wouldnt mind taking her out myself. Shes certainly better-looking than the women Ive been going out with.
What do you make of all this, Doc? It couldnt be that shes just putting on a show or an act, right? She couldnt fake it all this time if she were, the way I see it.
Thanks in advance for your insights, Doc, and thanks for all the amazing insights youve given all us guys for so long.
Shlomo - who cant figure it out
So youre thrown for a loop by this so-called exception to the laws of attraction. The reason you say this is because of the education youve had up until now (and Im not talking about whether or not you went to Princeton!). But not to worry. Youve come to me and Im going to straighten you out. When Im through, youll understand your situation thoroughly. Guaranteed youll have a different perspective on it.
Okay, your friend Bill has been dating Cheryl for five years. Hold on a minute here -- why arent they married? As the old Chinese proverb goes, After two years of dating, one of them should be bringing up marriage already. (Hopefully, its the woman!) So from the get-go somethings not right here.
With all of the things your buddy Bill is doing wrong, you have to ask yourself a question: what type of woman would want to be in that kind of relationship? And the answer is, a woman whos into CONTROL. Cheryl looks at love as a control issue. Not control of herself of course (as in Self-Control), but control of the relationship. And if she has to be in strict control, she has to look for a robot to have this relationship with something she can control 100%. And that will be enough for her. For certain types of women, maintaining control is everything.
Now heres where I disagree with you: I think its good that Bill and Cheryl do things regularly, in their case on a monthly basis. But they should be doing different things going to new restaurants, theaters, amusements, and so forth, so it doesnt get stale. Like my cousin General Love says, The best way to kill your relationship is by beating the same things to death.
On the other hand, I dont think gifts should be given on a predictable basis. Gifts are meant for when your heart is in the right place. Gifts shouldnt be doled out on an artificial timetable, even though it violates all of the customs of the American holiday system.
Whats really interesting here is that you resent Bill after all of his screw-ups. It means that down deep youd like to have his woman. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, Guy, you got a big problem! If you had no feelings for this woman, you wouldnt care what an idiot this poor guy is. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, Heck, bro, youd feel sorry for him!
But you shouldnt be too jealous, Shlomo. Bill and Cheryls love affair doesnt sound like the proverbial bed of roses. And the evidence is their occasional breakup and its twin sister she always ends up back with him. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Gee, I wonder how much the robot begs whenever she tells him she never wants to see him again!
Of course you wouldnt mind taking Cheryl out yourself. What did I just get through telling you? As you know, this isnt a religious column, Shlomo, but maybe its about time you think about the Ten Commandments. Thou shalt not commit adultery is one of them. Another is Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, Didnt you go to Hebrew school, my son?
So this isnt right, dude. When it comes to Cheryl, you have to come to grips with the fact that you harbor ulterior motives. Youre not really interested in The System -- youre interested in how to be a bird dog and rip this friend of yours off.
Cheryls hotter than the girls youve been going out with? Like my friend Sal The Fish Love says, Whoa, you really do dig this chicks looks!
Heres what I make of this, Shlomo: this woman is off-limits.
Cheryl is a Giver. She does things for Bill. But before you start feeling bad about that, remember the other parts. One-third of the whole equation is FLEXIBILITY. And this girls not flexible. Shes what youd call 100% structured. She tells Bill when to inhale. She tells Bill when to exhale. Now if you want to live like that, with the woman giving only her token Interest Level, thats fine. Me, I dont want to live like that. I cant live like that. But some guys can, and thats okay if theyre able to deal with it. But I call it the arrangement. Its not really based on mutual love.
Remember, guys: just because shes a Giver doesnt mean shes not a control freak
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Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archives for 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, and 2000.
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