Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the issue of Relationships. This section is the 2002 Archive of DocLove's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archive 2004, 2003a, 2002a, 2002b, 2001, 2000.
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Are Women Hypocrites when it Comes
About a year ago I met Carrie, who at first I thought was the shy, innocent type, but slightly interesting and very pretty. For four months or so we were friends, nothing more. Frankly, I wasnt all that interested in her. One time she asked about my love life, and I told her, truthfulIy, that I was going out with another girl. From that moment on she fell for me. I continued dating the other girl until things werent going well anymore with her. Then I stopped calling the other girl and that was the end of the relationship. Now I was officially free, and while Carrie had high Interest Level in me, my Interest Level in her had not risen. But some weeks passed and we started dating. At that point I began to realize that she was a really great person, and I began to slowly fall for her. I had never heard of The System, but I was instinctively acting the way I felt, and without knowing it had been quite a Challenge for her.
For the first month or so we went out four to five times a week, and we began a long-term committed relationship. Id never thought of settling down, but Carrie really got to me.
As in any relationship, the first three months or so were very sweet; there were no problems, and we were very much in love. Weve been together for six months now. The only problem I had was with my friends, who kept telling me Id changed, and didnt want to go out with them and act stupid like we usually did. About a month ago, I realized that what theyd been telling me was true. I wanted to change this pattern and regain my manly, careless, beer-drinking side.
At about the same time, I learned about The System through a friend. Suddenly I realized that I was doing lots of things wrong in my relationship with Carrie, starting with excessive I love yous, showing my jealousy, talking about my insecurities, and being completely open with her.
Immediately I began to change my behavior and reverted to my old self. Before I did, Carrie was apparently happy and her Interest Level had remained steadily high. Now that Im more of a Challenge again and have corrected what I was doing wrong, she is unhappy most of the time complaining that we dont see each other as much as before and that I dont seem to love her as much. She even told me recently that there have been more bad times than quality times lately, which is not true.
Paradoxically, since Ive regained myself, Ive been able to keep her Interest Level even higher than when I was whipped and controlled. I really dont know what Im doing wrong, because when I was whipped she seemed so happy, but it was really exhausting for me. Now Im happier than ever, but Carrie claims that I dont love her as much and she seems to be having trouble.
Doc, Im deeply in love with this girl and want to do whatever it takes to keep her, but I still have my own needs, and want to hold onto my Integrity and Confidence. Im somewhat desperate about this situation. I dont want to go back to being whipped, but at the same time I want to make this girl happy. I need your expert advice.
Douglas who wishes he could backtrack to the beginning
First of all, heres a tip for you. Anytime a girl asks you about your love life, tell her youre going out with a bunch of different girls; dont tell her youre going out with only one. Itll make you seem more desirable, and she wont have to feel like a homewrecker.
Pal, youre seeing this girl way too much. Its all right to see a girl two or three times a week, but only after shes already head over heels for you, and much later in the relationship -- not straight out of the starting gate. The key here is that at the beginning of a relationship, youve got to spoon-feed your time to her. Think about it: if you get married, youre going to be with this girl until youre 85 years old! Whats your hurry?
Now, lets cut to the core of what you did wrong with Carrie. Youre telling me you went from being a Challenge to her eunuch, and now youve gone back again? No wonder Carries unhappy youre tossing her emotions back and forth like a yo-yo! Like most men when their Interest Level goes through the roof, you got dopey and forgot all about being a Challenge, Douglas. Carrie then got used to your so-called whipped behavior, and now that youve retreated in the opposite direction, shes looking at nothing but a wimp who exhibits inconsistent behavior. When a guy is Confident, he is consistent. Carries looking for consistency in your actions, and your actions are anything but. You need to be steady, you need to be true, you need to be balanced, you need to be centered. You need to be the same on the last date as you were on the first date.
Remember John Wooden, the legendary basketball coach who won 10 NCAA championships? If you watched his players and didnt know the score of the game, youd notice they played exactly the same whether they were 20 points up or 20 points down. They never panicked when things threatened to get a little out of control on the court. Woodens teams were always balanced, centered, and unruffled all the qualities you failed to display to this girl. Wooden transmitted his rock-steady qualities to his players, and were the reason his teams were as incredibly successful as they were.
I hate to break this to you, guy, but Carries Interest Level may have appeared to be high, but it was really heading due south. When a womans Interest Level drops from, for example, 88% to 85%, the man doesnt sense it. When he finally wakes up to the fact that something is wrong, her Interest Level has already plummeted into the sixties or lower. So from the time he actually picks up on trouble, hes already 20% to 30% behind the rockslide.
The point is this, Douglas you spoiled Carrie, and now youre trying to reverse yourself. What you did was like handing candy to a child, taking it away, and then being upset when the kid cries! You had poor Carrie gorging on cheap Gallo wine like a thirsty drunk! What you needed to do was spread your love out over a long period of time. And another thing -- Carrie is not your mother and shes not your therapist -- shes your romantic lover, so why were you trying to turn her into those things? No wonder she was losing interest.
I want a guy to have high Interest Level in the girl he goes out with almost as high as hers. But if you find that youre tired, if youre feeling drained, then your body is talking to you, and your body never lies. Its telling you that youre doing something wrong. What you should have done, instead of pulling a quick 180 on Carrie, was slowly decreased the amount of time you spent with her, gradually cut down the I love yous, told her you were busy at work, and gone out with your beer-drinking buddies and had fun. But you cant suddenly pull a 180 on any person in any relationship, because it shows you to be no better than a fickle little girl. No wonder Carrie is asking herself: Is this a guy, or a light switch?
Remember, guys: you have to be consistent.
Heres my predicament. Currently my girlfriend of two years is attending college some two and half hours away. On the whole, this has turned out to be a good deal, as I get to see Liz at least every other weekend. The problem is that theres this guy at her college who she says she has feelings for, and theyre growing a little stronger, especially recently.
Doc, I know my girlfriend is in love with me because she tells me so all the time and acts like she does. In fact, she constantly compares me and this other guy, and when it comes down to it, Im better than he is in every category -- except for how I treat her. Liz really cant keep her hands off me, and constantly reminds me of how much more attractive I am, how much smarter I am, and how much more funny I am than this other guy. And the list goes on. Up until now I couldnt even be jealous because I felt so superior to the other guy and didnt even view him as a threat. But in the end, he does treat her a little better, and all she wants is to be happy.
Now dont misunderstand me, Doc. I treat Liz very well and she knows it. But I can honestly say that I probably dont treat her quite as well as this other guy. While he does have very little going for him, he treats Liz like a goddess, waiting on her hand and foot, doing whatever she wants to do, complimenting her, etc.
Liz is very religious and shes much more mature than most girls her age (shes 20). This is one of the reasons I fell in love with her in the first place. I actually thought that we were beyond the games of mystery, being a Challenge, etc. and other strategies you recommend. This girl is a classic example of marriage material and I would truly hate to let her go.
My question to you is this: should I just learn to treat her better (and Ill be the first to admit I could stand a little improvement in this area), or can you recommend another alternative? Should I be worried about losing her? Or should I just let her go?
Billy - who is just a wee bit confused
You have a girlfriend whos 150 minutes away from you, practically living on top of a guy who she has increasing Interest Level in, and you tell me that on the whole its turned out to be a good deal? I have to hand you one thing, pal youre really funny! In fact youre going to be the next Rodney Dangerfield! And what youve got in common with Rodney is that you dont get any respect either.
Billy, I hate to break this to you: your girl isnt in love with you. Because girls dont love two guys at the same time. Never. Thats a rule set in stone. Yet you believe her when she says that she does. If she told you that two and two equaled five, would that make it true? As Brother Love would say, These ladies work the mans ego with the skill of an acclaimed artist!
(By the way, when Liz compares you to her college admirer, you should turn around and compare her to your ex-girlfriend. Tell her that shes got it all over your ex, except that your ex had longer legs! See how she likes being on the receiving end of the same treatment!)
Billy, just maybe you underrated your competition thats not a real smart tactic in war! Remind me not to ask you to fetch the ammo while I drag the machine gun up the hill, cause I got a feeling youre not gonna be there! As my cousin Fast Eddie Love once put it, Be careful when you turn your back on the other guy!
Nevertheless, Im a just a little suspicious of all these claims that your girl is getting treated so royally when youre not around. Did you plant a video camera in her dorm room to spy on her and the other guy? Or are you just buying everything this girl shovels into your mouth? In other words, wheres the evidence? As Ive told you guys again and again, youve got to be a love cop on Love And Order! Give me a few specifics! Without the specifics, were like the Yankees trying to hit a Josh Beckett fastball were swatting at the wind! Did it ever occur to you that just maybe shes manipulating you for her own ends with this line of malarkey?
But lets grant that this guy really is doing everything, including washing her dog, for Liz and making you think you should be doing the same. I dont know about her being religious, and I dont know about her being mature. What I do know is that she sure as heck knows men shes got two idiots dangling on a string!
Now, as to your main question, which is whether or not to let Liz go. Heres my question: how can you let her go when shes already basically gotten rid of you? Lets face it, Billy shes come right out and told you that her Interest Level in the other guy is on the way up. What does that mean for her Interest Level in you? Duh! No mystery here. No mystery here at all.
What you should do is this, dude. Tell Liz to take a hike and go and memorize The Dating Dictionary. Its the only way to really get yourself on track.
Remember, guys: If you only read her actions, youll
never be confused.
Ive been earnestly reading your columns for the past few days, and now I wonder why I never ran into this expert advice earlier, when all my dating blunders couldve been avoided.
I met this incredibly beautiful woman, Sheila, a few months ago. We went out a few times, and I began to notice that she displayed high Interest Level in me, through gestures like pressing her leg against mine, or handing me a drawing of a rose, or telling me that she trusted me. She showered me with compliments and so forth, but I kept my distance by not calling her incessantly. We shared a lot of common interests, and our verbal interactions were lively and stimulating. I think that unconsciously I was being a Challenge, but I didnt understand the significance of it in the wider scheme of things.
Things seemed great until our last rendezvous, when I opened my big fat mouth and said something that obviously offended her. Nevertheless, we went back to my house anyway, and she lay on my couch, but complained of a headache the whole time while I worked on a business letter shed asked me to help her write. As soon as I finished writing the letter, she got up and left. To the end, I was very gentleman-like, and never forced the issue of intimacy.
A week and a half later I made another blunder by having a male friend dial her number -- as a prank, I suppose -- and he left a message on her voicemail. To my surprise, she called back within the minute, and left a message asking my friend in a very enthusiastic tone to call her back immediately. He didnt. I didnt phone her again until two days later, and when she answered she kept asking about my friend -- that she wanted to meet him -- to which I replied in a lighthearted manner that he was a busy guy and had no time. The next day I called her up, asked what her plans were, and she told me she was busy. I told her I wanted some things back that Id lent her. When I drove over to her house, we barely exchanged words. I picked up my things and told her that I had to go, but that wed see each other later.
Obviously, after reading your columns, Ive come to the realization that this is a losing battle, and Ive resigned myself to moving on to the next girl. Yet I feel guilty that towards the end I wasnt exactly a gentleman, and basically shut the door on Sheila. I try to reason that if she thought of using me as a springboard to her next love interest, then my response to the situation was justified and I should never call her to clear things up. Doc, my question is this: would it be a waste of time to try and clear things up with this girl? Should I try and ease my guilty conscience and seek proper closure?
Bob - who wants to know if he should clean up the mess
First of all, when you present a love case, youve got to be much more specific. For instance, exactly what did you say that offended Sheila? Did she thank you for the business letter you wrote for her? Guys, youve got to be love detectives on Love and Order! Real clues and solid evidence, please!
Nevertheless, lets take a look at your situation. First of all, having your friend dial Sheilas number was the dumbest thing youve ever done in your entire life. With all the weirdoes running around in America, youve got someone prank-calling your love interest? Youd be better off recruiting for Osama Bin Laden. This is something out of the sixth grade! Its so immature, I can hardly believe a grown man would resort to it!
But the fact is, it wasnt just a prank you had in mind, Bob. You sensed that Sheila was slipping away, and that crank call was a lame attempt to recapture her attention.
Next, you tell me that Sheila calls your friend back a complete stranger and wants to get to know him better? Maybe shes as wacky as you are. But whats really interesting here is that your pal hadnt even passed Sheilas Physical Attraction Test. Shed only heard his voice so what does that say about her Interest Level in you? You actually brought your own competition into the picture here when you were on a downhill slide! Could your moves have been any more pathetic? To you Psych majors, let me remind you -- dont bring in outsiders when youre trying to win her! (If you owned the girl if youd been going out with her for months and had a solid relationship under your feet you could have had a buddy call up as a joke. But not until you own the girl. And obviously you dont own this girl, Bob.)
Your next blunder was asking for your possessions back when you did. You should have said to Sheila, okay, well make it some other time, hung up the phone, and waited another week before calling back. If at that point she told you she was busy again, you throw her number away -- then ask for your stuff. As it was, you came off as uptight. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was busy. Maybe she was having a tough day and forgot to counter-offer a date.
But lets face reality here. If she had high Interest Level in you, she would have said I cant make it today, but I can make it tomorrow. She wouldnt have let your invitation drop.
Then came your next error. Why did you tell Sheila you were going to see her later when you went to pick up your things? You were on your way out, guy. It was over, the end, finito. Why make a gesture of finality and then expect to keep dating? You cant have it both ways.
But dont feel guilty, man. Because you didnt shut the door on Sheila she shut it on you. She got interested in your friend. And you made the springboard for her by setting up the call in the first place.
It doesnt take a degree in quantum physics to crack this one, Bob. Sheila has low Interest Level in you so theres nothing to clear up. Would it be a waste of time to try, you ask? Go into your backyard, dig a hole, and fill it up again that would be a better use of your time! The only thing you should feel guilty about is the stupid mistakes you made to lower this girls Interest Level, not the fact that she wrote you off.
One more thing. You werent living with this girl for 20 years, so theres no reason to seek closure. Arent you going a little heavy on the closure bit?
So pal, forget about the mess. What Id recommend is that you memorize The Dating Dictionary and start doing things right so the next girl doesnt want to meet your buddy, who shes never even seen!
Remember, guys: Theyre never too busy to see you
when they have high Interest Level.
Ive been following your advice for quite some time now, and I have to say that you really do know your stuff. Ive had more dates in the last three months than I did in the last three years prior to studying your relationship principles. I always had an abundance of opportunities with women but just had no clue that I was doing so many different inappropriate things that were turning all these women off before things even got off the ground.
Ill admit that I have a preference for very beautiful women. Just about every one of the twenty or so different women that Ive gone out with in the last few months have all been no less than an 8.5 or so on the 1-10 beauty- rating scale. Im not bragging. Most of them have been high 9s or 10s. (I guess my ability to pull in the beauties has a lot to do with the way I look. About once or twice a week, someone I see at the market or on the street, or wherever, mistakes me for Ben Afflek could probably get a job as his look-alike or stand-in if I wanted to.)
I know that, as you say, the more beautiful a woman is, the more troublesome and high maintenance she tends to be. Well Im here to attest to the truth of that. I guess my problem is that I get these obvious warning signs (or red flags as you call them) from so many of these women indicating that they are trouble and not long-term relationship material. Nevertheless, I hang in there rather than dump them at the first warning sign because Im so beguiled by their beauty.
My mind seems to tell me something like, Ok, so this is the third time in a row that shes shown up more than a half hour late but, well, so what? Look at her. Shes a knockout and shes with ME, right here, right now. And look at all the other women and men in this restaurant who are looking at me with such envy and respect. Getting all this admiration and approval kind of makes it all worth it.
But, naturally, after a few more times of the same rude B.S. from her, I do drop her because I get fed up. But then I move on to the next beauty on my list, and then of course have to deal with her particular attitude problem. Man, Ill tell ya, Doc. It is so hard to find a real looker who doesnt give you a hard time or try to bust your chops in one way or another.
I guess what Im asking for is a kick in the pants and a pep talk/lecture on the main signs to look for that spell trouble when dating a beautiful woman. Also some extra inspirational info explaining why its best to move on and move on immediately as soon as she reveals her unacceptable character flaws. I kind of feel like an addict who needs some coaching.
Any feedback you could give me would be awesome. Thanks Doc.
Randolph who just wants to be happy
There are a lot of guys out there who wouldnt mind having your problem. It certainly is an ego rush to be out and about town with one hot babe after another. And if variety is the spice of life, then Id say that youve got more condiments than Wolfgang Puck.
But as your experiences in the dating trenches have taught you, Randolph, when it comes to being in a long-term committed relationship, the attitude of your potential partner is everything. A couple weeks of consistent nagging and whining from a ten and, as my Uncle Jethro Love would say, Soon enough, sonny boy, she aint a ten no more. In fact, by the time it gets to that point, you dont even care what her rating is or was. All you want to do is get her out of your space.
Youve got so many opportunities and so much raw material to work with that I know I can upgrade your relationship satisfaction level with just a bit of fine tuning. But you are going to have to be committed to straighten up and fly right. No more knowingly doing the wrong thing just to have one extra temporary fleeting thrill.
The key for you, Randolph, is that you have to make your own integrity more important, rewarding and meaningful to you than your addiction to beautiful women. You need to make a real commitment to always do the right thing and to not even start down that path of dabbling with danger and delusion when you see it laid out before you. Turn around and walk on, my Brother. Tell yourself that never again will you compromise your integrity.
All right. Since you are a student of The System. You probably (and should) know all of this already, but Im giving you what you asked for: a kick in the pants, an inspirational pep talk to lead you to the truth rather than temptation. (As my cousin Brother Love would say, Lead us not into temptation, sayeth The Lord.) So take this to heart.
Here are The Top Five Reasons to Dump your Date:
One) Shes not a Giver: Shes not considerate or helpful. She doesnt help you carry the grocery bags upstairs. She doesnt bring a bottle of wine along to contribute to the picnic dinner. Shes all Me. Me. Me. One of the dead giveaways: shes overly concerned with material things. To you Psych majors, she loves overpriced jewelry.
Joyful giving of herself, her time and her energy, from the heart is just not part of her language. Theres NO good reason to have a second date with one of these Gals.
Two) She has no Integrity. She doesnt keep her word. You cant count on her. Shes consistently, chronically tardy. She fibs a lot and makes things up to satisfy her own little agenda, thinking that you wont get it or at least will let her slide. She even makes up whoppers when she doesnt need to. To you Psych majors, shes a pathological liar.
Yep, shes got some serious character problems. So its best to weed this woman out of your garden of lovelies as quickly as you can. And I dont care if she looks like an Elle magazine cover girl. Lose her.
Three) Shes inflexible. You want to take her to the beach, and she doesnt want to go because the wind might mess up her new hairdo. Doing anything that takes her out of her comfort-zone is threatening to her. She cant handle any kind of spontaneity. She wont change her agenda to fit in with yours. As far as shes concerned, youre the one whos supposed to rearrange your plans to fit her needs. To you Psyche majors, shes a control freak.
Four) Shes a Complainer and a Nagger. You cant seem to do anything right in her eyes. Why do you always ? Why cant you ever ? are two of her favorite questions to ask. She has no conception of the value of building up a mans ego. She couldnt do it if you paid her 50 grand just to fake it. Down deep shes not a happy person, and she wants to bring you down to her unhappy level.
Ironically, many of these Nagger-type girls think that they are being helpful and constructive when they do their number and have no clue that they are actually pushing men away. (Of course, the more beautiful a Nagger is, the easier it is to find guys who will tough it out, just to be around her. Now, you wouldnt want to be one of those kinds of chumps, would you, Randolph?). Who cares about how she got to be the way she is? Let her work it out with her therapist. Its not your job to try to fix her.
Five) You dont have good chemistry with her, and shes not fun to be with. The package looks perfect. Shes a knockout, and she knows how to dress to impress. Shes doesnt really seem to have any particular troublesome character traits either. But when youre out with her, you just dont seem to really have fun. You find yourself working too hard to keep the conversation going. She just doesnt get your jokes. This is another losing situation that can be quickly perceived, evaluated and terminated.
The last suggestion I would make to you Randolph, to help wean you from your addiction (and you must truly admit to yourself that you are an addict for this to work), is to put yourself on what I call a super-babe fast. For the next three months, go out only with women who are high sevens or less. Do it as a righteous discipline that is going to teach you things about yourself that you never knew. When you report back to me after this 90-day period, Im certain that youll have some very interesting things to share.
Remember, guys: Its ok to leave first, HONEST!
Hi, my name is Ryan and I have been studying and practicing your principles for the last year and a half, with the dedication of a law school student whos determined to graduate at the top of his class. I love the truth, and I recognize it when its staring me in the face. Doc, as far as the understanding women goes, I am convinced that you are The Master. Every single page of your Dating Dictionary is filled with profound wisdom, wisdom that should be part of the interpersonal-relationships curriculum for young men in every high school/and or college in America.
God bless you. The truth youve brought to my awareness has decidedly set me free. I will never go back to my old habits that only kept me in perpetual confusion and rejection. I cannot thank you enough for the contribution youve made to my life.
Because Ive been practicing and applying The System so diligently for over a year now, I have been able to successfully court, connect with and establish an amazingly positive, loving, and fun filled relationship with a wonderful woman, Cynthia. Weve been going out for over eight months now, and during that entire time she has never once done or said anything that you, Doc, would call a Red Flag. Shes a sweet, loving giver with high integrity and a low maintenance attitude.
Heres the little glitch I ran into with her last week. As I said, Cynthia has never given me any kind of a problem. Shes never nagged me, never pouted, never criticized me. Shes always kept her word. She always shows up on time. Shes a great cook. I mean I could go on and on and on about all her wonderful attributes.
But last Wednesday night, an hour and a half before I was supposed to pick her up for a dinner date at one of the nicest new restaurants in town (It took me three weeks to get the reservation), she called and canceled, or as youd say it, Doc, she BROKE THE DATE. This was something she has never ever done before. Her excuse? Her dog Fido (Yep, thats his real name.) had started to limp in a strange way, and she needed to take him to the Vet immediately to find out what was wrong.
The thing is, Cynthia didnt say she was sorry or suggest another night when we could have our dinner. She was just very abrupt and said she had to go and then hung up. This was very unusual behavior for her, and it left me a bit baffled.
So, Doc, What happened. Did I do something wrong? I know what a big deal you make out of broken dates. Did I miss a red flag back in the earlier stages of our relationship? Or, does it really just mean nothing because we have so much time in together? Please, help! I need some perspective.
Ryan who is absolutely baffled
Well, Im glad to hear that youve been so dedicated in your study of my principles. And its good that you have such a deep appreciation of the profound signifigance of a womans breaking a date. Heres the deal. If Cynthia had pulled this My doggies sick number on you at the last minute during your first couple of months of courtship, then you would have had to blow her off, rip up her phone number and flush it down the commode.
As you probably already know, Ryan, in the context of a new relationship where deep trust is yet to be built, such recklessly rude behavior on a womans part would have spelled nothing but disaster. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time when a woman throws you a curve ball like that in the early stages of dating, it is indeed a Big Blazing Red Flag, and its nothing to be taken lightly. After committing such a serious transgression, a woman can redeem herself and put herself back in the game only by doing something extra-extraordinary. To you psych majors, she has to suck up to you, big time.
She would have to, for instance, insist on driving over to your house, preparing you a five course gourmet dinner and then massaging you from head to toe for a couple of hours as an obsequious plea for forgivenessand understanding (Of course this type of thing happens only once out of a hundred cases, and that may still be too high a number.)
But because youve had eight solid months of love and trust and affection in with this gal, we must look at this particular situation in a different light. In this case youre not going to cut her off, Ryan. Yes, youre going to cut her some slack.
I think that Cynthia was in a highly emotional state when she called you and that she was sincerely worried about her little doggie. Her doggie to her is like her child. Thats the way most of us Americans relate to our canine companions, which is very different from the way that some folks in other parts of the world do where stir-fried puppies are regularly offered on the lunch menu of many fine restaurants.
You mentioned, Ryan, that Cynthia is a flexible gal. Well, now its your turn to be flexible. Lets not look at this episode as a red flag. She did nothing wrong, and you did nothing wrong. My advice is to just forget about it and move on. Youve got too much quality time in with this lady to make a big deal out of this. To do so just wouldnt make sense.
Now, if this kind of behavior on her part starts becoming a pattern so that every three or four weeks she slams you with another whammy, then weve got trouble in paradise. But for now, Ryan, stay cool and dont drive yourself crazy trying to analyze the meaning of the Fido Emergency Freakout. No, just enjoy your great relationship with Cynthia. If we get a red flag down the road, then well deal with it when and if it comes. But dont walk around anticipating something negative. Remain positive and enjoy the great relationship that you have.
Remember, guys: if you love her dog, she will love
Ive just gotten back into the dating scene after a two-year relationship that recently ended. A few nights ago I went out on a date with a girl that I met at a friends wedding.
Things seemed to go quite well on our date. We really clicked in a lot of ways, and I would be thrilled to go out with this woman again. The entire time we were together she smiled at me a lot and was very sweet. But I couldnt tell if she was really attracted to me or if she was just being friendly.
I guess what Id like to know is: how can you tell after youve only spent two or three hours with a girl if shes attracted to you or not. Even if a girl IS attracted to you, its rare that she would just come right out and tell you on a first date. So, Doc, how can I tell?
Bradford who wants to know the signs
Wouldnt it be great if there were a small monitoring device with a scale that went from zero to one hundred that gave you an instant reading of a womans romantic Interest Level in you? As you discreetly pointed it in her direction youd see the number right there: 82% or 65% or 0.3%.
No more wondering, no more waiting. No more confusion, no more second guessing. Think of what the human species might be able to accomplish with the time and energy saved. We could find a way to end starvation, maybe cure cancer or even figure out why Carmen made it to the top ten on American Idol.
Bradford, you are asking the perennial question that tens of thousands of guys painfully ponder every single day: Does she like me? I know that I like her She knows that I like her because I went through all that initiating and risking that it took to get her out on on a date. But does she REALLY like me?
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a Female Interest Level Readout Monitor. But, there is something that can give you the same information almost as quickly. That something, of course, is The System.
Obviously youre a new reader, Bradford and youre not yet able to have an understanding of the power and the elegance of my principles. So let me give you a few tips that will be extremely helpful to you and will also begin to give you an appreciation of the treasure trove of wisdom that you are now beginning to access.
Here are the top five signs that you can look for to tell if a woman is attracted to you when youre first spending time with her:
One) She touches you. This is one of the most telling signs. In many instances you will find that the woman that youre out on a first date with will not touch you at all. Why not? Because shes not attracted to you. But when youre out on a date with a woman who likes you, you will notice that in most cases, she will find an excuse to physically touch you in some way during the date.
Often it wont be a clearly obvious move like holding your hand or taking your arm as you both walk down the street together. That can happen, however, and its a great sign when it does. More often though, the kind of touching from her that Im talking about will be something as seemingly insignificant as a tap on the shoulder from her or her knee accidentally bumping yours and lingering for an extra second before she withdraws it.
If you end a first date with a woman, and she has never touched you once in any way whatsoever during the entire time you were together with her, then chances are youre dead in the water. But if she even just tapped your shoulder once that night while laughing at one of your jokes for instance, then youre in play.
If she tapped your shoulder three times during the evening and then grabbed your arm for a couple of seconds to guide you over to a book she wanted you to see while the two of you were browsing Borders then youre in the money! The more she touches you and the more often she touches you, the higher her Interest Level is in you.
Two) She compliments you. A woman who has high interest in you, even after only knowing you an hour or two, will often give you one or more sincere compliments. And if there is a sparkle in her eye when she delivers the compliment, then youve got a bona fide high Interest Level sign.
Three) She exhibits genuine curiosity about you. A woman who has no romantic interest in you whatsoever will still ask you polite questions about yourself. So where did you grow up? Where do your parents live? What kind of work do you do?
But a woman who really likes you will show a genuine, warm, curious interest in you. Shell want to know what makes you tick. Shell want to know whats important and meaningful to you in your life. As you look in her eyes youll be able to see the wheels turning as shes trying to figure you out. Thats high interest.
Four) She makes a reference or references to future activities together. You tell her that youre an avid roller blader in response she says, I love to roller blade. Maybe we could go roller blading together sometime. To you Psych majors, women with low Interest Level dont say things like this.
Five) She gives you a nice kiss at the end of the date. At the end of your first date with a woman you should always make a move for a lovely kiss. No big deal, just a kiss. The way that she responds to you as your lips move towards hers will give you crucial feedback.
If she turns her head and gives you The Cheek before your lips can touch hers, then its hasta la vista baby. But if she responds warmly and enthusiastically kisses you back, then, dude, youve got a live one.
Remember, guys: you gotta hit at least four out of
I'm a woman who has read your column several times on askmen.com, and I have to compliment you on your incredible insight! When I read your column, it's like being with a psychic who can tell me things about myself that are definitely true, but I'd never really thought about. As far as my romantic tendencies are concerned, you seem to know me better than I do!
In one of your columns you advised men not to compliment women too much. At first I didn't agree with this, but after my date last Friday I think you are dead-on. Here's what happened: I was getting ready for my third date with a man whom I had High Interest Level in.
To me, the third date is an important date, when men seem to decide if they want to go forward with a relationship or not. Since I really wanted a relationship with this guy because our first two dates went so well, I put a lot of effort into getting ready for our third date. You know how brides get transformed on their wedding day? I went to similar lengths.
My friend, a cosmetologist, spent 45 minutes blowing out my hair and another 45 minutes applying my make-up (it looked very natural and just made me look a lot better). I wore an outfit that really accentuated my curves without being overtly sexual. I probably went from a 7 to a 9 in two hours.
My efforts were definitely noticed. My date gave me at least ten compliments during the course of the evening, on all aspects of my appearance. He seemed enraptured by me. What's so ironic is that this was exactly what I was hoping for, and at the time I enjoyed the compliments. Yet the effect it eventually had on me was to lower my Interest Level in him, and I really don't know why. Is it low self-esteem on my part?
Logically, I want a man who compliments me, finds me beautiful, and is crazy about me. But honestly, I would have been much more turned on if he'd simply played it cool and maybe briefly commented on my appearance by mentioning that I looked nice. The next two times he called me, I was pretty distant and on the verge of being rude.
Anyhow, I just wanted to share that with you because I'm sure many people question your advice and I wanted to validate what you've known all along.
Is there any way that you could also write a column for women? You are extremely perceptive, and I'm sure you know a lot about what makes men respond to women, and what we do that lowers their Interest Level.There is a huge group of women who could use your advice.
Paula who cant stand boot-lickers.
So, I seem to know you better than you know yourself. Well, Paula, thats why they call me the first man in 6000 years to understand women. You didnt agree with me at first because you had a knee-jerk reaction to my politically incorrect take on the mating dance. But when your own experience validated what Ive been saying, you saw the light. Im glad.
You mentioned that the third date is when men decide whether they want to go forward with the relationship or not. Well, my love, thats an interesting thought, but you missed it again. The third date is one of the many junctures where the woman decides whether to go further with the relationship or not.
The man doesnt decide. He doesnt know where things are going until the woman informs him either subtly or not so subtlety. The man merely shows up, often in a clueless state, and waits for the woman to give him, however she conveys it, a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Get it?
And when you put all that preparatory time and effort into maximizing your strike power, it wasnt because it was your third date with the guy. Third date shmerd date. No, it was because your Interest Level in this guy was reaching critical mass. You were enthralled and you decided it was time to pull out all the stops. Ahh, the power and inspiration of High Interest Level. See, Paula, I got you again.
The other dead giveaway of your extra high level of romantic interest in this guy was that you likened your personal beautifying efforts to that of a bride on her wedding day. Women make matrimonial references like that only when the guy they like is setting off the lovely chime of wedding bells in their ears. To you Psych majors, this is what women do when they dont have low Interest Level.
Now we must move on to the sad part. Unfortunately, your guy allowed your stunning appearance to have too much of an impact on him, and so your romantic interest and level of respect for him irretrievably plummeted. You didnt know it, Paula, but you were testing him to see if he would lose it when you came on with the heavy artillery. You administered the test, and, sadly, he failed. Like most men, he couldnt control his mouth. You started to see him as a panting puppy who was too happy to be there.
And by the way, your reaction of being dismayed by the excessive number of compliments from your date had nothing to do with your having a lack of self-esteem. Your reaction was healthy and appropriate. Its the person with low self-esteem who can never get enough compliments.
Whether you know it or not, Paula, you did the right thing by cutting this guy loose. Your Interest Level will never rise to the same level that it was prior to his blunders, even if he were to do everything right from now on, which he wont. If he calls again, which he will, make sure to tell him to study The System so that he can properly and successfully court the next woman that he has a shot with.
Will I ever write a column for women? I never say never, but its not likely. Women understand men. Women have all the advantages in the dating and mating game. Its men who need help. A lot of help.
Remember, guys: before you open your mouth, ask yourself,
Is this going to help my cause?
Ive been using your theories for a few months now. I was able to land a Flexible Giver pretty much right away and shes great! So I have to give you thanks. I believe Loris Interest Level is around 80% to 85%, but Im new at your techniques, so I dont know exactly how to gauge it. (Any help here would be greatly appreciated.) Lori calls me every day and is flirty and affectionate when were together. She tries to get me to talk about how much I like her. (But I dont like to do that. She doesnt verbalize how much she likes me, either, incidentally.) She asks me to do something with her practically every day, and expresses disappointment when I tell her I already have plans.
The problem lies with trust. She asked if I trusted her, and I told her that I did because shes never given me any reason not to. But I wasnt exactly telling the truth, Doc. Maybe shes testing me, or maybe its just my imagination, but lately Ive picked up some inconsistencies in her behavior. I havent made an issue out of any of this, but let me give you a few examples of what Ive noticed:
1. She told me that she didnt want to attend a wedding she was invited to, but when I left town for a weekend fishing trip, she went to the wedding anyway.
2. One night she was three hours late coming over for a date we had. I called her house, got no answer, and the phone beeped and disconnected. She called later (at midnight), apologized, and said that she fell asleep. She said that she accidentally shut off the answering machine the night before. (I let her know that I was upset about her tardiness, but didnt make a huge deal out of it.)
3. A guy friend of hers called while I was at her house. She gestured to me that she didnt want to talk to him, but ended up staying on the phone with him for half an hour.
Doc, my question is this: am I reading too much into these incidents, or should I be concerned? Should I press for explanations? Thanks, Doc! You da man!
Wayne whos not sure what hes really seeing
Theres a simple reason why you cant see the forest through the trees. Its because somebodys blowing smoke at you, pal! And if you dont watch yourself, youre going to get burned. The bottom line is this: women with 80% to 85% Interest Level never confuse their men and never give them mixed signals.
But lets start at the top. You say that Lori wants you to talk about how much you like her. Whats wrong with this girl does she have a self-esteem deficiency? When a girl wants you to talk about how much you like her, tell her what my cousin, Fast Eddie Love, would tell her: Honey, I like you almost as much as you love me!
And Wayne, youre seeing the girl entirely too much. You shouldnt be talking to her every day. Show a little Self-Control. Be a Challenge instead of Mister OnCall (a synonym for the dreaded Wimpus Americanus). Try letting Loris phone calls back up for three or four days. Then well find out for sure whether its her self-esteem thats lacking, or her Interest Level.
By now it should be obvious that youve actually got more problems in your relationship with Lori than just trust, Wayne. But lets take a look at that issue anyway. Girls who are trustworthy never ask if you trust them. Only girls who are untrustworthy ask that question. To you Psych majors, Doctor Freud used to call it projection. Like the girl who says to you, Wayne, I dont care what kind of car a guy drives, shes talking Womanese! Why would she bring the subject up in the first place if she doesnt care about your car? Remember women dont lie, and men dont listen. Guys are idiots if they dont keep their eyes and ears open.
You ask whether shes testing you, Wayne. Sure, shes testing you shes testing you to see how much more BS she can sell you before you stop buying it! What will it take to get you to walk away from the manure counter, dude?
Now, lets take your incidents one by one. Regarding that wedding, all she had to tell you afterwards was Look, my sister wanted to go to the wedding. I didnt want to go, but I owed her a favor. Maybe it was an oversight on her part. This ones minor, Wayne, nothing to lose sleep over. You cant hang her out to dry on it. In the Catholic Church youd call it a venial sin.
But regarding the second episode, this girl of yours should be writing fiction! Her powers of invention are so strong; she could be the next King or Grisham! Think about it. She accidentally shut off the answering machine? Do you know the miniscule probability of something like that happening? A girl with 85% Interest Level falling asleep and missing a date? Come on, Wayne! Youre the one who better wake up!
As far as the third incident is concerned, why didnt you just get up and walk out after five minutes of this conversation with the guy she supposedly didnt want to talk to? Ill tell you why -- because she knows she owns you, Wayne, and by staying there and enduring this humiliation you proved it again.
Wayne, I have to say that yes, unfortunately you should be concerned about the state of things with Lori. And the explanation is, as I said at the beginning, low Interest Level. Thats your ultimate problem here.
Remember, guys: never rationalize her behavior.
About three weeks ago my girlfriend, Tina, who is amazingly beautiful, decided that she needed time away from me. When she told me, it came as a total shock.
Let me first tell you that I was able to get a girl of this magnitude because of your System and the tips on AskMen.com. But then something happened. I got cocky and tossed your book, The Dating Dictionary, into the corner. I stopped reading the articles, I stopped practicing the techniques, I stopped using the principles. In other words, I kind of got lazy and slapped the hand that fed me.
Two weeks ago Tina and I decided to actually break up. Well, I was devastated and I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered you, Doc, and I knew that you would always provide the right answers and the true direction.
Well, I got back to your book and the website last week, refreshed myself on your ideas, and its worked! Now Tina keeps calling me. She wants to hang out with me and do things with me again, while Im the one who doesnt really care now. Im ready to walk away, but on the other hand I want to stay with her -- it really doesnt matter to me.
What do you think I should do, Doc? I do love Tina, but do you think that the way I think about her should change because she asked for time apart? Thats the part that really bothers me. By the way, breaking up ultimately was my idea -- I learned it from you, Doc. I wont take that crap. Please advise. Thanks a million.
John - whos baffled about what he wants to do
First of all, I wouldnt exactly say that you slapped the hand that fed you. My friend, you had what I would call a case of Big-Shot-Itis. As my cousin, Brother Love, likes to put it: Pride cometh before a fall. What you actually did was become a sinner by falling into a state of PRIDE, which, as you know, is one of the seven deadlies. And you didnt even realize it. If you had stayed humble and aware of what you were doing, pal, you wouldnt have taken the dangerous chance of abandoning the methods that won you your success with Tina in the first place.
Every day when you open up the Wall Street Journal or Forbes magazize you can see a glittering example of some guy (or gal) whos lost it like you did, John. Ever hear the names Martha Stewart or Kobe Bryant? Their downfalls are the direct consequence of their over-inflated egos and lack of self-control. You can just hear them saying to themselves, I can get away with this! They puffed themselves up like balloons until someone came along with a pin.
And you, too, thought you could get away with jettisoning the solid, universal principles that made Tina go for you in the first place, didnt you, John?
There are three types of losers in the world as far as Im concerned. The first is the type who buys The Dating Dictionary and then returns it. Think of it -- all this essential, time-proven Truth in his hands, and he goes and drops the ball. The second type of loser is the guy who reads the book once or twice, then throws it into the corner and thinks he has it -- but he doesnt. To you Psych majors, it requires diligent application. And the third type of loser is you, John -- the guy who practices, who does everything I tell him to do, and then, when he lands the woman, goes back to being the shlump he was before he had any clue which end was up.
John, I want you to care for Tina. On the other hand, a girl has to know that you can leave her. When a girl knows she owns you, its the antithesis of Challenge. My gut tells me you werent a Challenge to Tina anymore.
But John, you shouldnt even be asking questions about Tina. You should be asking questions about yourself. Such as, why did you end up turning her off when you were off to such a promising start? Women with 95% Interest Level dont want any space. They want to be next to you. They want to be all over you. But Tinas Interest Level dropped somewhere along the line. So what you have to do now is go back to the values that got you there, if its not already too late to repair the damage done. And theres something more important -- you also have to pinpoint where you lost her. Which principles did you violate to get into trouble? Go back and study what you did wrong, then figure out how to get back to the values that won you your beautiful girl.
John, you wouldnt have had to break up and take that crap about needing space from your girl if you were doing the right stuff throughout the relationship. Because when you do the right things throughout a relationship -- stay Confident, in Control, and a Challenge -- there is no crap to take. Theres just high Interest Level, and she cant keep her hands off you.
Remember guys, she doesnt want you as you are, she
wants you with The System.
Im a 23-year-old college student who started seeing Michelle, a co-ed, in April. The first time I went out with her was when she invited me out to a bar on a week night. She did lots of touching and wanted to take me home, but didnt. The second time we went out it was for dinner. Afterwards she wanted me to meet some of her friends at the bar and shoot some pool, which I did. (This date was during the week, too.)
All went well and her friends seemed to like me. I shot pool at the bar with her again, and we went back to her house and made out for an hour, and then she started calling more often and invited me over to watch a movie on a Monday night. After we finished the movie I was going to kiss her goodbye and leave, but she invited me to stay for another movie. (I ended up playing with her hair for half of it.)
She called me on Tuesday, and we went to the bar to shoot pool again. Walking in, we ran into one of her guy friends. He says to her, Hey, sexy, and they talk for a while and agree they should get together for a drink. I played it cool and didnt even ask what his name was.
I called her the next day but got her voice mail and left no message. That was at the end of May, and I didnt talk to her again until I called her in July. She said she would call me, but she never did. Her birthday was this past August 15th and I called her to wish her a happybirthday. She was surprised that I remembered, and I figured that won me some points.
Were both going back to school at the same time, and she said to me, Give me a call or something. So, should I call her like she said to or wait to see her on campus and strike up a conversation? Also Doc, what would you rate her Interest Level in me? Its hard to sort out her mixed messages.
Garrett - whos curious to know
You start off by telling me that Michelles friends like you. Now, think about it -- what does that really have to do with anything? All we care about here is how much Michelle likes you, right? So why did you go back to the bar just to bump into her friends again? Garrett, wake up! Im going to give you a solid piece of advice: you ought to stay away from Michelles friends. The only thing you need to do is sell yourself to a girl and you dont need other people to do that.
And heres another thing, Garrett. You shouldnt be going to the same place over and over again with your date. Who is this girl, anyway -- the granddaughter of Minnesota Fats? And where is it written that you have to go along with every suggestion she makes? What ever happened to being a little bit of a Challenge?
When you date a girl, you should be making sure that she has a great time. (The two of you shouldnt be just sitting around watching movies, either. What can you really learn about her when youre both staring at a screen?) Any activity where theres a high level of interplay does the trick. Try bowling or miniature golf or the zoo. A woman with high Interest Level will never object to inexpensive activities, because all she really cares about is being with you.
Now, when you ran into that guy friend of hers, you stood by passively while the two of them made a date right in front of your face. Garrett are you interested in being Michelles friend or her boyfriend? What you should have done instead with this guy friend was stick your hand out and introduce yourself, then ask him if he could bring a girl along for you when he and Michelle went out for that drink!
Garrett, youre a very, very nice, sweet fellow, but youre also very, very naïve. The reason Michelle didnt call you is because she wasnt interested enough to pick up the telephone. Give me a call or something, she told you. To you Psych majors, you had her mixed up with someone who cared! Could she be any more lukewarm?
But I wouldnt bother going out of my way for this one, buddy, because
shes not worth the effort. By giving out mixed messages, she proved that she has no Consistency, which makes her no good for you. And remember, The System tells us that Women with high Interest Level are consistent.
Sadly, Garrett, from her actions I would rate her Interest Level at only somewhere between 5% and 10%. And when its that low, youre not even a blip on her radar screen.
Remember, guys, that when a girl doesnt pick up the
phone and call you within two weeks, that means youre
out forever with that girl.
Ive heard a lot about your laws of relationships from a few of my single friends. They claim that it works even when a guy is married, but I have to tell you Ive got my doubts. Now heres my dilemma: Lisa and I have been married for over 10 years. At first our intimate relationship was great she was always ready to be affectionate, and so was I. Then, four years ago, my son Cameron was born. Immediately afterward there was a change in our relationship. Doc, it was like the difference between night and day. Lisa was no longer interested in spending romantic time together. I never had any affairs, always came straight home after work, and always provided for the kid. (By the way, my wife works too, at a quite demanding managerial job.) So I dont see how Lisa could have any complaints on any of those counts.
Well, I tried to be patient, figuring shed eventually come back to the way she used to be, but time went on and the situation never improved. Lisa is always tired (believable, but then I am, too, and we both split the child-minding duties when were not working at our jobs), has a headache, doesnt feel well, or just doesnt feel like it tonight. Etc. Ive come right out more than once and asked her point blank if shes no longer attracted to me. No, thats not it, she insists. Shes just overwhelmed by having to take care of the kid and her job. Again, fine and well, but why am I ready to get intimate all the time? (And incidentally, when we do actually have a romantic interlude once every few weeks, its very, very good, so I cant complain about the quality.)
Doc, what it boils down to is this. Ive been thinking about a divorce. And its not because I dont love my wife I do. I just cant stand being frozen out any longer. Ive actually turned into a slavering dog over the past few years, begging and whimpering for affection. This isnt right. Its diminishing whatever self-esteem I have left, and if I dont do something, therell be nothing left of me. What really keeps me here is my little boy I would hate for the three of us to become sociological statistics, the victims of one more pathetic marital breakup. But my fear is that once a negative pattern has been established me begging for attention and my wife refusing its impossible to change. What do you think?
Jack whos just about to file
First of all, let me assure you that my principals work for everyone who follows them. The foundations of my method are valid for all women, period, married or single, young and old, beauties and plain Janes. So dont worry Im going to help you out here.
Now heres what I want you to do, Jack. Youre not going to touch your wife at all. Youre going to back off. Youre going to transform yourself from that slavering dog into a self-respecting guy. Practice some self-control, Jack. Thats where it all starts.
Next, youre going to start setting time aside to date your wife. Date your wife? Thats exactly what I said. Every Saturday night youre going to hire a babysitter and make sure that the two of you have guaranteed time alone with each other. And theres more. Once a month you and your wife are going away for the weekend by yourselves, no kiddie in tow, got it? I want you to plan this out, write it on the calendar, and get organized here. Because right now youre not organized, and you dont know how to schedule your life.
But Jack, I dont want you to feel bad, because youve got a lot of company out there. Most American married guys are in your same predicament. Like a married friend of mine said to me once when I asked him what he was up to: Well, Im married, he smiled wryly, so I dont have sex. And with a 50%-plus divorce rate, you can just imagine how miserable all the women who cant get out of their bad marriages are, too.
But Im going to do my best to save your marriage, Jack. If your wife has at least 51% Interest Level left in you, we can turn things around with this program.
The part that bothers me the most, guy, is that she decided against being romantic after your son was born. Because its usually women with an Interest Level hovering between 40% and 49% who cut off intimacy after the kids arrive. And that dismal figure means that a man is in more trouble than he even realizes he might be on his way out and doesnt even know it. What it means is that hes flopped at showing his male strength qualities Confidence, Control, and Challenge. Women who stay with a man at that Interest Level are building up a well of resentment, until her Interest Level plummets all the way down to 39%. At 39%, shes gone history. Women with 40% to 49% Interest Level are usually Professional Daters not in love with a guy, but willing to fleece him for whatever she wants in the case of married women, usually kids and his every last cent. Lets hope that you havent hit that point in your wifes eyes, Jack.
Remember guys, the principles work even if youre
I wish I found out about your method before entering the relationship Im in now.
I met Christie back in January. She was just coming out of a five-year relationship with what you call a Macho Boy, except that he is also very needy and constantly needs her approval. When we met, she had moved out of his bedroom and into a separate room in his house, and was actively looking for a way out. Within four weeks after she and I got together, we both became very emotionally attached to each other. We both had 95%-plus Interest Level in each other. But by the third week of March, Christie began to lose interest, and told me she was putting our relationship on the back burner while she figures out what shes going to do and gets her act together. That just about drove me bonkers.
Since then, she and I have continued to get together. She tells me she loves me, and when were together she shows me the love she has for me by her actions. She has finally rented her own place and has begun looking for a job (part of the problem she has with getting out of the other guys life is due to several factors:
1) hes very wealthy and shes afraid of what
things will be like if shes away from that wealth;
I think my problem, now that Ive read your book, is that Ive been that teddy bear guy you refer to -- Wimpus Americanus. During the whole time she and I have been together Ive said no maybe three times. Also, when I call her I tend to leave messages (she bought a cell phone that Ive put on my cell plan that allows us to talk virtually limitlessly, and of course the guy whose house shes still in doesnt know about it, though he does know about me) and when we do talk she nearly always ends the conversation before I do. Also, I e-mail her copious amounts of messages, where in turn shell leave maybe one consisting of three lines. And of course, mine always seem to start and end with I love yous and various compliments.
But one thing that to me feels like a positive is that she typically calls me once a day to talk about her day and set up dates with me. These dates are usually things like going swimming in one of the lakes here or coming over and spending time together at my home, which sometimes leads to intimacy and sometimes doesnt. (Shes told me a few times that shes really happy about the fact that I dont require it every time we get together, and to be honest, I let her bring it up rather than doing so myself, which leads to it occurring about half the time.)
Doc, Ive already committed my heart to this lady. I know its a high-risk situation, and I really want to find a way to bring her back. Since your method speaks of using Challenge during the first 60 days or so, and Im well past that period of time now, does it still make sense to try and use it?
Thanks to you, Im determined to stop or severely curtail the e-mailing and compliments and such. But I am confused as to what I should use to work her back to me. I understand that Respect, Affection and Support-Romance are the keys to maintenance, but what does a guy do when the woman hes with has backed off? I would peg her Interest Level at around 65% to 70% now because when we do get together her behavior quickly reverts to what it was during those first four weeks.
What do you think, Doc?
Pat - a guy who is really confused as to his next steps
Im with you, pal. Had you known about The System before you got yourself embroiled with this woman, I could have saved you a lot of heartache. Check that you would have saved yourself a truckload of pain and anguish.
But lets see what we can learn about your situation and where you went wrong. Then well see what can be done to clean up your mess.
The first and most important factor here is that this girl is ivolved. Big mistake to get yourself mixed up with a girl whos already involved, Pat. Whats more, she cant take care of herself, and the guy shes living with controls the purse strings. It doesnt sound as if shes getting out of there anytime soon.
Now lets go a little further into her situation. How do you know what bedroom shes living in? Do you have a camera in there to verify what shes been trying to sell you? Arent you taking a lot for granted here? Any chance shes leaving something out? Are you sure its really over with this guy and shes not just spouting Womanese for Im hanging on to his guy until a richer turkey shows up?
Now Pat, Im going to shed light on another pattern in male-female relationships: When the woman withdraws, most men, on account of their over-inflated or over-sensitive egos, rush straight in. And what does that overaggressive behavior result in? Yup, more frustration. Being available constantly and at her whim achieves the exact opposite of what you guys truly want. Being a doormat Wimpus Americanus, as you so accurately put it does NOT increase Interest Level. Its human nature, Pat. She wants whats not easy to get. So what you have to do is withdraw. When she withdraws, you withdraw. (And by the way, guys, when I tell you not to telephone her, its NOT okay to send e-mail! E-mail is a phone call without a human voice.) The point is that I want her to wonder about you, without you having your face in her face 24/7.
Your question, Pat, was what do I think Sadly, I have to say that youre overrating your womans Interest Level. Its only between 40% to 49%, a far cry from where you think it is. When she tells you shes putting your relationship on the back burner, that means its not cooking at all and is colder than yesterdays sausage. Shes just playing with you, buddy, because theres nothing better to do for the time being. But if she finds another rich boy, look out -- shell be history.
Remember, guys, its better not to date them when
they live in sin with a rich guy.
Help! Ive heard a lot about the effectiveness of your method from a friend, but I dont know if even you can help me out on this one. I met Kelly when I started working at a large brokerage house here in New York. Shes everything Ive ever wanted blonde, blue-eyed, long-legged, athletic, and gorgeous. Throw in the fact that half the guys on my floor were after her (which got my competitive instincts up) and I was a goner not long after we went for a drink one night after the two of us had to work late on new marketing brochures. We got together that weekend for dinner and a movie, and the weekend after for salsa dancing at a downtown club. Then we started dating during the week as well. It was like Id found my true soulmate -- overnight. Shed broken up recently before with a guy she was dating for the past three years. She said and I quote Its definitely over. We want different things out of life. We never get together anymore. We never even talk on the phone.
A month and a half into our relationship, there was a phone message at home for me on Wednesday afternoon from Kelly canceling our date for the Knicks game later that evening. Her excuse was that she needed to go out to Jersey that night on an emergency her sister was moving into a new apartment and needed help since one of the friends who was supposed to help her bailed out at the last minute. Fair enough, I thought. Stuff happens, and Kelly had been reliable up until now. My buddy Dennis was available on short notice, and he loves the Knicks, so no money was lost, but I would much rather have spent the evening with Kelly after all, wed recently started getting quite intimate with each other. Now heres where the wrinkle comes in. The next day at work, I couldnt help but drift over to her cubicle (she works on the other end of the floor) and ask her how the move went. Bill, she said, I wasnt being completely honest about last night. I wasnt helping my sister. I got together with Tony (her ex) because we had to work some stuff out. Sorry about the game. Work some stuff out? What the hell was that supposed to mean? I didnt have the chance to ask, because just then my boss summoned me into his office. Doc, it was like taking a left to the solar plexus from Mike Tyson! I sat there hearing and seeing nothing while my boss ran a new assignment down to me.
Its been two days now and I havent spoken a word to Kelly. She hasnt called me either, whether out of guilt over what happened or because of something else. The thing I cant get out of my mind is that she LIED to me. Was that the only thing she lied about? All kinds of stuff is running through my head now. Like maybe she was seeing Tony all along. I could even accept the fact that she had to talk to him but why lie about it? Im in love with this girl, Doc, but I dont want to be a fool. What should I do?
Bill whos confused in the Big Apple
You mention that you dont think I can help you out with your problem. Guy, I can help out any man. Why? Because my laws of reality work on all women, from Montana to Mongolia to Manchuria! And since these principals cut across all geographical and social boundaries, have no fear I can help you out on this one.
Now Bill, the biggest boo-boo you made was -- to use your own words -- being a-goner over a Beautiful Woman. What you have to do with the most dangerous creature on the planet is learn how to maintain and raise her Interest Level not yours.
Secondly, guy, weekend dates are only for girlfriends youve been out with five or six times. When you started handing over your primo weekend time to this angel, she hadnt yet proved herself to be special. And she always has to pass that test, beauty or not.
Now, you say that Kelly was your true soulmate. But did she ever manifest the fact that you were HER true soulmate? Did she ever use those same words when it came to you? In other words, what was HER Interest Level? What you did, Bill, was run way ahead of yourself and her.
And think about this, Bill rather than spend the night with you, Kelly would rather have spent it with HER SISTER. Just because she was being intimate with you doesnt mean that she had high Interest Level. What I would rather have seen was Kelly have 51% or above Interest Level in you, and NOT be so physically cozy.
Work stuff out? Bill, didnt she swear to you that it was over with Tony? Now shes telling you the exact opposite! No woman gets together with a guy shes allegedly broken up with to work stuff out when its definitely over! Hello? To you Psych majors, this girl has no Integrity.
Now heres the really ugly part, Bill. You are a fool! The reason youre a fool is that like most men, you rushed headlong into REJECTION. Rather than being balanced and centered and moving slowly with Kelly, you placed entirely too much on the fact that you two were being intimate. What you were blind to was that she was being intimate with you and lying to you at the same time.
Remember guys, just because they fool around with you
doesnt mean they are in love with you.
A friend of mine introduced me to your material about a year ago, and I just wanted to thank you. I don't know if I will ever be a master of The System, but what it has done for me is to allow me to see what is happening more objectively and to do damage control when I screw up and start reverting to my old wimp-like tendencies.
For the last six months I have been dating a beautiful flight attendant who works for a Japanese airline. I live in Hawaii and she lives in Osaka, but she is here 4 or 5 times a month. Anyway, during the last 3 months, the relationship has been getting more serious.
To all you skeptical guys out there, listen to this man, Doc Love! He knows of what he speaks! Remember that she is a flight attendant for a major carrier on a major route, Hawaii to Japan. She gets hit on all the time by handsome airline pilots and vacationing first-class passengers who are doctors, lawyers and celebrities.
However, I, who was until recently a lowly customer service agent for the same airline and am now a poor student once again living with his parents, am the one she chooses to spend time with whenever she is in Hawaii.
When I started going out with Yuko, I would say her interest in me was tepid at best. Maybe 51%? However, by being a Challenge and by not doing what all the other guys were doing I would say I am in the mid to high 70s and still moving up.
For myself, the biggest thing I needed to do was to keep from contacting her too often. When we first started going out, there was a strong temptation for me to e-mail her every chance I could. However, I really restrained myself because Doc Love said that that would chase her away. I would only e-mail her to ask when she was coming and maybe ask about our mutual acquaintances. I keep the e-mails light and humorous.
After she leaves, I try to wait at least 2 to 3 days before I e-mail her again, but I never get mushy. The one thing I keep telling myself is tobe patient and let things play out.
These days I don't even bother asking when she is coming. She just lets me know. The date is already implied.
Im just wondering, at this point, whats your opinion about all this and are there any recommendations you would make?
Your Loyal Follower in Hawaii,
Danner who is grateful
Of all the women who constantly get hit on and have heard every line in the book a thousand times over, flight attendants would be right up there at the top of the list, along with cocktail waitresses. The number of dating opportunities that are presented to these women on a daily basis is extraordinary.
But you, Danner, you popped one. You cracked the code. You overcame overwhelming odds by playing it cool. There are tons of guys out there who are richer and better looking than you, but they know nothing about Challenge. You left them all in the dust and you did it working with an initial female Interest Level of only 51%. Great job!
Lets look at what the average guy would do were he to meet your exotic Asian co-worker. First of all, he would over compliment her and make several remarks about her body and her beauty, foolishly thinking that this would make her more interested in him.
Unfortunately, the belief that this tactic is productive seems to almost be neurologicaly wired into the brain of the male of the species. Most men never do and never will understand how this habit actually hurts their cause.
Additionally, the average guy would brag and anxiously try to impress her. And hed try to get her to go out with him immediately or as soon as possible. If she said no, he would continue to push and pressure her often to the point where she would have to rudely reject him or ignore him.
This is another counter-productive habit that men curiously hold on to like a pit bull with a T-bone. The idea that persistently pestering a woman will raise her Interest Level seems to be the modus operandi of a vast majority of the male populace. Guys will use this strategy, fail miserably with it several times and never rethink their approach.
So, Danner, you are obviously way ahead of the pack. You have The Knowledge, youre putting it into practice and youre getting fantastic results. Just dont get complacent and think that you can now switch to autopilot. Stay on course and hold steady. Keep studying my principles, remain a Challenge and enjoy the ride as Yukos Interest Level in you gains altitude.
Remember, guys: Challenge, not persistence, is the key to
I have been reading your column for the last year and I have found it both entertaining and enlightening, so a sincere thank you is in order. I can see how remaining a Challenge and having women pursue you is a better plan. You see, Doc, I am 31 years old, I have been married twice and after studying your articles, I see the mistakes I have made. Now my modus operandi has changed.
I write today because of my interest in a work mate. From the moment we met, there seemed to be a connection. The eye contact was playful, and every so often she gave a little flirtation that I never initiated. We are both teachers at a rather exclusive, private middle school and we work on a team, so we spend a good deal of time together. Over the past three months I have grown very fond of her. She is educated, caring, world-traveled. and we share the same interests. She has a great attitude that is giving and considerate, and she has a feminine grace about her that I find alluring.
In no way have I made a "move." I have not told her how beautiful she is or how I would like to give her after school tutoring and detention! One, she has a boyfriend, two it seems unprofessional and three, it could be detrimental to our work environment. Sure, she has caught me looking at her as the overhead projector shines in her face, but hey, I am human.
She has dropped clues that she is interested in me. For instance, she once told me that we would be great parents as we both have the same style with children. She tells me her plans for the future and asks my advice. On one occasion she said she wanted to get her masters and move to another location. I asked her what her boyfriend thought about that, and she said she wasnt sure.
She makes little reference to her boyfriend. Though when she does, she will make comments that make their relationship seem unimportant. She has gone out of her way to give me rides to work and offered me her phone number if anything should come up. I have remained professional, I have never called her and I keep my compliments secular, telling her how I think she is great teacher and how I admire her dedication and professionalism. In the beginning I was just struck by her beauty, but now that I know her better, I am falling for her.
So here is the conundrum. Do I make a move or not? I know the problems that can arise at work. She is already in a relationship. What do you think I should do? What do you think her degree of interest is? Right now it is intriguing and fun, and I sure look forward to going to work.
Kelly who wants your insight
Thanks for the compliment. Im glad that Ive been able to make a difference in your life. Stick with the Doc, and youll never find yourself in divorce court again.
All right, now, besides death and taxes, theres one other thing in life thats for certain: WOMEN LOVE TO FLIRT. Its one of the things that they do best. Its a kind of natural ability that theyre born with. Theyll flirt with you and think nothing of it. Theyll flirt with you just because youre there. Theyll flirt with you simply to keep in practice for when Mr. Right shows up. Theyll flirt with you so deliciously that after five minutes youll find yourself falling in love, while, theyre merely enjoying exercising their power.
Add to this, Kelly, the fact that your co-worker likes you, feels comfortable with you and spends a lot of time with you in a non-threatening environment (as opposed to a nightclub where everyones on the hunt). Thats all going to make her even more prone to giving you mixed messages.
It could easily be that she has no romantic interest in you whatsoever. But, because youre such a good guy, she gets off on being appreciated by you and acts extra sweet and flirty and feminine around you to keep getting more of what she enjoys getting from you; appreciation.
Perhaps she feels acknowledged by you for having certain wonderful personal qualities that her boyfriend never praises her for. Maybe she feels validated by you in ways that no other man in her life validates her. All the more reason for her to create a certain kind of intimacy with you even though she may have no intention of ever actually becoming intimate with you.
I do think its great that your teaching partner has all the qualities that youd look for in a woman, Kelly. Now, we need to determine if you have a shot here or not AND how to take your shot if you do have one. Unfortunately, youve omitted some crucial data that we need in order to check this gals Interest Level in you. Youre almost remembering what that is, from your studies of The System, arent you? Thats right. Number one on the Interest Level evaluation checklist is TOUCHING. Does she touch you, Kelly, and if so, how often?
Secondly, does she compliment you too much? Thats what girls with high Interest Level do. They compliment you, and they do it consistently over time. If your answers to these two crucial questions are yes, then it means that her Interest Level in her boyfriend is in the 40 to 49% range, and she just may be thinking of you as her quality backup man. She COULD be grooming you for the day when her Interest Level in Mr. Wonderful hits the basement. As my uncle Jethro Love used to say, Its the beautiful ones that never go it alone. Why? Because they never have to.
So, I hope that she HAS been touching and complimenting you, Kelly, at least a little. But even if she hasnt, heres a plan you can implement to find out whats what.
I want you to start avoiding this girl. Yep. We need to work in a greater degree of Challenge here. I want you to start being too busy to chitchat or check in with her or join her at the cafeteria for lunch. At your team meetings, give her only a third of the attention that you used to. At the same time, let her see you giving every other female co-worker (particularly any foxy ones) lots of attention. Let her see you making them giggle. This will up the ante.
After you do this for awhile, IF she has interest, shell want to find a way to spend more time with you and shell ask you out for a private one-on-one lunch off campus, or even better, dinner! But she has to suggest it, not you. She has to initiate it. If she never does, that means there never was anything meaningful going on. But if she DOES, that means Mr. Backup is movin on up!
Remember, guys, as Kelly said in the beginning of his
letter, Remaining a Challenge and having women pursue
you is a better plan.
Dear Doc Love,
Ive been reading your articles for almost a year now. I used to read them because I thought you were totally full of crap, and I enjoyed laughing at what a pompous jerk you were. Well, I have to admit that over time, Ive come to realize that you actually have figured out some important things about relationships that I almost never hear anyone else talk about.
I guess I started to get it right after my girlfriend dumped me. I was trying to figure out what the hell happened, and that same week you wrote an article that described my situation exactly. I had been doing things that were lowering her Interest Level without my knowing it.
Im seeing more and more now how so much of what I thought women wanted is totally wrong. Like you say, we get confused by listening to all those female love doctors who dont understand how even they themselves actually want a guy who is a Challenge, rather than a guy who kisses their butts all the time.
Im convinced that that the war of the sexes is real and that thousands of men are getting slaughtered every day. The only relationship expert that Ive ever heard talk about this is you, Doc. Youre right. Theres so much bad advice out there. We lose our way. We get disoriented. We wind up either barking up the wrong tree, or just flying by the seat of our pants without a compass. So I want to acknowledge you for being a real beacon of objectivity and a reliable source for accurate information when it comes to dating and relating to women properly.
I have to say that Im feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the rethinking and reorienting Im having to do, now that Ive become a believer in your System. I keep discovering more misconceptions that I was laboring under, So, Doc, what you would say are the most important ones to be aware of and to get free of. I need to make things simple right now.
Theo - who understands the power of simplicity
Thanks for the great compliment. Im glad to hear that youre getting un-brainwashed.
Ok. Ill make it REAL simple for you. Easy as 1, 2. 3. Here are three of the biggest misconceptions that men have about approaching women:
1) I can raise any womans Interest Level in me by complimenting her. Yes, this thinking has a certain (false) logic to it. Complimenting women sure seems to work in the movies and on TV. A handsome lawyer tells Ally McBeal how smart and beautiful she is, and she swoons and wants to make babies with him. And all the girls in the X rated videos sure seem to respond well to compliments. Extra well. The only problem is that these are not real life situations. In real-life, with real women, laying on the compliments only hurts your cause. Its anti-Challenge.
2) I can raise any womans Interest Level in me by boasting about myself. Same thing with boasting. Its certainly true that women respond quite favorably to wealthy, powerful, successful men. So it seems logical that it would be helpful to tell a woman things about yourself that would make her think of you as someone whos a major league player. But no matter how you play it, boasting only makes a woman feel as if youre trying to impress her. And the operative word here is trying. Trying is the opposite of Challenge. A REAL heavyweight kind of a guy doesnt have to try. He emanates confidence. Its far better to let her WORK a little to discover what an amazing guy you are. To you Psych majors, keep it to yourself.
3) If I persistently demonstrate to the woman whom Im courting, how high my Interest Level in her is, it will raise HER Interest Level in me. This ones the real killer. Once again, media brainwashing is a major factor in perpetuating this myth. How many love stories have you seen or read where the plot line goes like this: Handsome guy likes beautiful girl, but girl isnt interested in guy. Guy is determined to do whatever it takes to win girl over. After guy begs, jumps through a dozen hoops and sacrifices himself for her, girl finally realizes: Oh, gosh, I love him! As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, Puke!
Who do you think these plot lines are written for? It aint for anyone who can grow a beard. Women love to fantasize about guys who will do anything to win their hearts, even risk death. They like the idea of a guy who is so enchanted by their charms that he cant control himself and wont give up. But in real life, women want to do the pursuing. In real life, if you come on heavy, you lose. In real life, if you keep pursuing a woman after she said No five times, you get sued for sexual harassment or arrested for stalking.
That should be simple enough for you Theo. Good luck and keep studying!
Remember, guys, its always better to be a
I am a big fan of your column, and I have been doing my best to learn and use The System. I would like to ask for your advice on this situation I am going through with my girlfriend. We have been dating for about six weeks or so, and we seem to be hitting it off real well. Were pretty serious for a couple in their late twenties whove only been going out for that long.
My problem is that I am jealous of her e-mail relationship with her ex-fiance. After breaking up two years ago (she initiated the break up), they recently decided to reconnect and be friends. They e-mail each other regularly and chat on Instant Messenger. She has told me about this and assures me that they are just friends and that she has no romantic feelings for him. She says that they do not see each other or talk on the phone.
I told her that I was a little bothered by it and that I thought it was a little strange. I asked her, Dont you think that this could turn into more than just e-mailing after a while? However, I didn't want to make too much of a big deal about it for fear of appearing too insecure and jealous and hence less of a Challenge. She told me that she knows its a little strange but that she hasnt known me long enough to stop chatting with him because it bothers me. And I again said that it does bother me but that it is up to her to decide whether to stop e-mailing him or not.
What do you think Doc? Should I persist and insist that she stop the e-mail relationship, or should I trust her when she tells me that it is nothing to worry about? I really like this girl, and I don't want to appear to be too controlling and insecure. But I can't help thinking that there will be trouble down the line if she and her ex fiance continue to chat via e-mail. But then, again, if I appear too jealous and insist that she stop, she could simply tell me she stopped and continue e-mailing him. Know what I mean?
Please help me out. I really don't want to screw this up, and I could really use some expert advice.
Stan whos sick of all this chi-chat
Youre smart not to buy into what your girlfriend says when she tells you that her e-mail relationship with her ex is no big deal. This kind of situation is like a termite infestation, if you dont nip it in the bud, youre gonna have BIG trouble later on.
But before we get to outlining a strategy to deal with your problem, I want you to understand something very important that youre just not getting. Somethings rotten in Denmark. Or as my Uncle Jethro Love would say, Theres a dead cat in the closet, and all the air freshener in the world aint gonna make it go away.
What am I referring to? Take an objective look, Stan. Your girlfriend is giving considerable time and attention to a guy that she REJECTED! Why would she do that? The answer is that shes addicted to getting all the male attention she can. She doesnt care that shes stringing along this guy that she once dumped. She doesnt care that her continual e mailing with this guy bothers YOU. She doesnt care about ANYONE elses feelings.
She wants what SHE wants, and SCREW everyone else. Shes a woman who just cant tolerate the idea of possibly having to emotionally go it alone, so she keeps potential backups in her orbit, feeding them just enough to stay hooked. Talk about a lack of integrity!
Stan, what would happen if you tied the knot with this gal and then later wanted to go bear hunting in the backwoods of Montana for fourteen days with your buddies? How comfortable would you be leaving her alone? What would a woman like this be doing during that time while she was left unsupervised? Sitting at home alone reading Nancy Drew stories? Visiting girlfriends to exchange recipes? Or, going out to nightclubs, just to dance of course. Get my drift?
All right. But lets see what we can do. Despite missing a crucial element here, you did great when you didnt get uptight and throw a Macho Boy tantrum or give your girlfriend any ultimatums. You calmly and honestly told her that you were bothered by her behavior and what did she do? She dissed you. To you Psych majors, she did him wrong. Fine. Now were going to take a different tack. Or, as my cousin Sal The Fish Love would say, When they dont want to see your side of things, its time to play hard ball.
I dont want you to try to reason with her any further. No need to get into any more debates. Now your actions are going to speak louder than your words. You wont appear controlling or insecure if you make your point non-verbally. Heres the plan: I want you to stop taking your girlfriend out on the weekends. This will be a strategy of withdrawal. No more weekend dates with her, for now. That includes Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. Youre only going to see her on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
If your girlfriend has any brains at all, shell put two and two together and realize that her selfishness has caused you to withdraw. Then well find out how high a priority you really are on her list. If she doesnt change her behavior after this, then shes not really as serious about your relationship as you thought.
Remember, guys, if youre going to go the distance
with her, there cant be any boyfriends in the
Well, Ive been getting more phone numbers of attractive girls every day, thanks to your coaching. But Ive run into one that Im not 100% positive on what to do about.
I met this cute girl, Darla, at the campus bookstore. I heard from some of her acquaintances that she can get any guy to do whatever she wants. Well thats fine, but not me. Knowing in advance that she might be that type, I still went for it. I figured that if she really was a spoiled brat, then at least it would be interesting to see how well your theories would work on that kind of girl.
We went out on a first date, costing me only $15. (I got us a lunch at an Italian takeout place and we had a picnic on a great summer day.) We both had a fantastic time, and this girl couldnt stop telling me how much she wanted to go out again. She touched my arm and my leg at least a dozen times. Being fairly proficient in your System, I didnt respond, and I could see it was driving her crazy, in a good way.
I waited a week and called her and tried to set up a date for Thursday, but she told me she was working. But she said that we could do it tonight since she had nothing to do. I told her Okay, tonight works out fine and ended the conversation. Later, about an hour or so before I was to be at her house, she called and cancelled and gave me some story about why she couldnt do it and that she was so sorry.
She counter-offered for Saturday, but I politely told her that I was busy. She then gave me even more information that she was going to be out of town on Sunday. I said, OK and that I had to go but that Id talk to her later.
Doc, Im confused at this point. Ive seen some of the things that youve said telling me to wait two weeks to call a girl after she gets flakey on you. But I have also seen some articles saying that I should just wait it out, and see if she calls me or not and just judge our relationship off of that.
What should I do Doc? This chic is fine, but I dont want to waste my time.
Bailey - whos a bit confused
Although youve run into trouble with this cutie, overall youve handled things pretty darn well so far. Youve obviously got a respectable working knowledge of my principles. We just need to tweak your technique and tighten things up a bit. But before we get into that, lets look at what youve done right here.
First of all, you were wise to not react to what Darlas aquaintances were saying about her. Often, when youre first dating a girl, all sorts of people will come out of the woodwork who have some kind of agenda based on your NOT being successful with her.
But in this situation, Bailey, you remained neutral, and you took a wait and see approach. Thats the way to go. Whatever anybody else says about a girl that youre first getting to know, whether its negative OR positive, you should always take it all with a large grain of salt and check things out for yourself. To you Psych majors, the proof is in the pudding.
The other great thing you did, Bailey, was that you showed this gal a fun time while keeping the cost of the date to a minimum. The picnic idea was perfect. Too many guys spend too much money on a first date, thinking that doing so will raise the womans romantic Interest Level. Its like trying to beat the Market by following hot stock tips. Its supposed to work but it never does. Guys, you should wait until she totally gone over you before you take her out for the big ticket activities (if you must.)
Now, Bailey, you got some very strong buying signals from this babe on your first (and only) outing with her. Thats great and it makes you feel great when that happens. Theres nothing like being out with a cute girl who cant keep her hands off of you.
But before weve gotten past the two-month mark with any woman, things are just too new to rate. What we look for is CONSISTENCY, and this girl is about as consistent as Madonnas hair color. When she flip-flopped on you and broke her date with you at the last minute, she blew it as far as winning your heart goes.
Still, I also want you to be aware that you set yourself up for trouble when you accepted her counteroffer to go out that same night. You lost your posture and made yourself look too available, too eager. Dont do that again, with any woman.
What I need to pound into your head, Bailey, is that this girl, Darla violated the sacred commandment: Thou shalt not break any dates -- especially on short notice. This is not a misdemeanor. Its a felony!
If she had merely told you that she was too busy to go out with you that week but maybe next week, then Id say give it two weeks plus and try calling her one more time. But, Bailey, SHE BROKE THE DATE. Thats it, adios, hasta la vista and sayonara too.
Remember, guys: a broken date is a deal breaker.
I've used your philosophy and its worked wonders on my life. Theres one thing Im curious about, and maybe it's a more unusual dilemma than most.
I dated this unbelievably beautiful Colombian woman about a year and a half ago. From the gods, it seemed. She is quite literally a knockout in looks and body, drawing attention to herself wherever she goes. Unfortunately, this woman had a bad habit of not being faithful. So taking your advice I had the backbone to dump her and cut contact right away, once I knew. Several months passed, and life seemed to move on.
One day she called me out of the blue. I didn't want to talk to her. I told her at the time I had met someone, and I hung up. Ever since that time she's called my family, friends, left messages, showed up at work, my apartment, hoping to work things out. Challenge gone awry you could say. This has gone on in frequency every couple of weeks or so for many months on end. I have had no way to stop it.
She tells me she wants to be friends (her Womanese for a physical relationship). But I know her to be quite possessive, violent, and a chronic cheater.
Each time she initiates her campaign, I ignore her and walk away, but she persists. I have made it clear to her many times that my interest is zero and honestly feel nothing emotional towards her. My problem is that I've never had an extremely attractive woman chase me, and honestly she still turns me on quite a bit in the physical sense.
I am very tempted to try something simply physical, but my fear is that I am going to bury myself. I don't want a relationship with her at all. She is Miss Wrong. Doc, the temptation of a beautiful woman is overwhelming. What is the best way for me to handle this? I will clearly follow whatever you say as it has always worked in the past.
Kirby - who is tempted, but not stupid
Well, it sounds as if youve really gotten yourself into one mixed up mess of a dilemma with a triple threat:
Your Colombian Cutie is one deeply troubled, unstable, bona fide nut case. To you Psych majors, she aint clinically sane.
On top of that, shes a beautiful woman. (Can anyone doubt why I say that The Beautiful Woman is the most dangerous creature on the planet?) Her power to control, intimidate and seduce is awesome and you are dealing with the Latin version of the species, Kirby, which only adds more fuel to the fire.
She knows that right under the surface of your Im done with you façade, youre still hooked. All shed have to do is get you alone, get naked and rub up against you once or twice and youd be capitulating faster than Roger Clemens can toss a curve ball. (Actually, Im surprised that she hasnt already tried this tactic.)
The reason that shes comin after you, Kirby, like a jungle leopard relentlessly stalking its prey is because you are the first guy in her life who wouldnt kiss her butt and let her get away with her usual games and deceptions. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, Rejection is the ultimate Challenge.
Before we get to the solution here Kirby, I want to commend you on the tremendous strength of character that you have demonstrated so far. When it became clear that this girl was no good for you, you got rid of her. Most men dont have the guts to do what you did. Doing that took real courage and conviction. God bless you, my brother, for your commitment to your own integrity and for not giving in to addictive impulses.
That said, we need to extricate you from this mess, Kirby. Not only has this gal become a major stress in your life (which you do not need), but you could actually be in physical danger if you dont pull this poisonous weed out by the roots.
Im certain that youve wracked your brain and brainstormed with your brothers as to what the heck you can do, obviously to no avail. Heres the point. Youve got to do something different. Saying No to her in new and creative ways is not going to change anything. In fact, if you havent guessed already, the more you say No, the more determined she will become. So lets play it smart here and twist this whole thing around to your advantage.
What I want you to do is to go ahead and go out with her. Yep, thats right. The next time she contacts you, set up a date with her and take her out somewhere. Have a long heart to heart talk with her about how you see that youve really just been afraid of intimacy and that you now realize that she is indeed the love of your life. Our goal here is to come on heavy and turn her off.
The next day after the date, call her four or five different times and leave messages telling her how much you love her and how you cant stop thinking about her. Tell her that you have to see her again, right away. Send her flowers. Buy a stack of different mushy romantic cards and send her one every day for a week. As my cousin Sal The Fish Love would say, When Im done with her, shell be droppin me like a rotten mackeral.
However challenging this recommendation may seem to be to
carry out, just do it anyway, Kirby. You can pull it off.
Fake it till you make it. I guarantee you that after a week
or two of the new you shell be so turned
off, youll be wondering what ever happened to her.
Remember, guys: if you want to turn her off, come on
Dear Doc Love,
My girlfriend Lisa and I have been going together for almost ten months. Our relationship seems to be sailing along quite smoothly. Were very compatible. We always have a lot of fun together. She never nags me. Shes beautiful and classy and charming. (All my buddies rate her as a solid ten.) And all of my friends and family are quite impressed with her. They all think that Im one lucky guy to have found her.
All right, I know what youre thinking. So whats the problem? Well, there IS just one little fly in the ointment so to speak, or as you say Doc, Theres no such thing as a clean deal. I didnt really notice this when we were first dating, but now its becoming an issue for me. Ill explain.
We spend a lot of time together at my place, but I also take Lisa out about three nights a week. We like going to nice restaurants. We also go out to a lot of plays and concerts and I always get front row seats for us whenever possible. Ive also just recently treated her to a ten-day vacation in Paris where we stayed at one of the nicest hotels in the city. (She speaks fluent French, but had never been to France. So you can imagine how thrilled she was when I first told her that I had the tickets.)
Now I was happy to pay for the entire trip to France. I enjoy being in the role of provider and it feels really good to be able to take my sweetheart anywhere we want to go without any consideration of how much it might cost. I guess Ill just mention that Im a real-estate broker, and in the last few years Ive been making some very serious money. So having a limited amount of cash is not one of my problems.
The thing is Lisa has never offered to pay for ANYTHING, not once. Not a dinner, not a movie ticket, not even an ice cream cone. And Im noticing that Im starting to feel resentful about it. I dont need her to spring for some big gift or anything like that, but some small gesture of giving and generosity on her part every so often when we go out would make a big difference for me.
She thanks me for the things that I do for her maybe one out of four times, but thats as far as it goes. I guess if she cooked for me or gave me a massage once in awhile, that that would make a difference, but she doesnt cook and shes just never offered to rub my back.
Im considering the idea of asking her why she never offers to pay for anything, but I wanted to check with you first, Doc. Do you think that she never offers to pay for anything because its just proper female behavior to her? She IS pretty traditional and conservative in a lot ofways. Or, do you think that shes really just selfish and kind of using me in some way, like shes not a giver as you would say.
The confusing thing is that shes very affectionate otherwise. What do you think Doc? And should I try to discuss the situation with her?
Winston who wants to know what to do
To start, lets go over some basics. One of the ways that you evaluate a womans Interest Level in you when youre FIRST dating her is to observe what she does when the two of you have finished eating at a restaurant and the check arrives. The odds of her having high interest in you aremuch better if she allows you to pay without bringing up the idea of sharing the cost.
When she lets YOU be the sole provider in this context, it means, on a deeper level that shes SURRENDERING to you. (This is all true, unless of course, shes a mercenary which is a whole other can of worms.)
Now if she OFFERS to help out with the bill, thats usually not a flag, although you should decline her offer. But if she INSISTS that she pay for her share, that means that youre basically dead in the water. She wants to stay in control and NOT surrender. To you Psych majors, shes a control freak with low interest level.
So in the beginning, were looking for her to not be pressing to pitch in. But as we start moving into the second month of dating these rules begin to shift and we DO want her to be making a sincere effort, every so often, to contribute to the cost of the date in some meaningful way. If shes a giver, she will automatically do that. If shes a taker, it will never enter her mind.
Now considering all of this, Winston, your girlfriend Lisa obviously does not qualify as a giver, although she appears to have a high level of interest in you. Now we need to determine if shes just being lazy and inconsiderate, or if deep down shes a narcissistic gold digger who thinks shes entitled to be spoiled. Since shes an A she can have just about any guy she wants, but shes chosen YOU. Why? Is the essence of her deep love and caring for you high interest, or is it based on mere physical attraction and what you can buy for her?
But I want you to realize, Winston, that YOU are also part of the problem. If she has been thanking you for things only a quarter of the time instead of most of the time, then you should have busted her on that months ago. Ten months of this and you havent said anything to her about it! Whats up with that? Has her beauty intimidated you? As Denzel Washington said to Ethan Hawke when he wanted him to grow some cojones, you need to Man up! You failed to call her on her on her lack of consideration and now shes programmed to think that her behavior is acceptable. So now were going to have to try doing what I call cleanup.
Lets apply some indirect pressure and see if she becomes more demonstrative in the gratitude department. Maybe she can be re-trained. So, when she calls, ask her, Did you forget to do something? When she says, Whats that? say, Thank me for the nice dinner last Thursday. Do this kind of thing two or three times and see if she gets the hint. You could also ASK her to massage your shoulders and then observe whether she whines and does it with reluctance or with enthusiasm.
Additionally, I want you to suspend taking her out on any more expensive dates or trips until she starts appreciating you on a consistent basis. But be prepared. When you cut down on the high priced activities, you may see a side of her that you dont like. You may discover that she has a higher interest in your wallet than she does in your heart. But lets see.
If and when she starts to respond to the new training program, she may, hopefully, also begin to reciprocate with more than just verbal acknowledgements. That would be optimal. But the odds that she WILL arent good because giving doesnt SEEM to be part of her nature. And no, I dont think her lack of giving has ANYTHING to do with her being traditional. But it DOES have a lot to do with the fact that shes a ten.
If she doesnt respond well to the new program, Winston, then you have to make a choice. If you have tons of money and can overlook her take, take, taking, then marry her. But I think that would be a tough row to hoe. Theres a high potential for resentment to build and kill all the romance. So lets hope we get some results from our new game plan.
Remember, guys, givers are more fun than takers.
Dear Doc Love,
I can't begin to thank you for your advice. Before learning your philosophy, I never realized how much girls walked all over me. I'm an average-looking guy but I'm now going out with above-average-looking girls, thanks to your coaching.
I'm currently in a graduate school in Boston, which is filled with young, beautiful women. My graduate program is 80% female, which definitely works to my favor. For a couple of months, I set myself up to be a Challenge. I would throw in a funny comment during class discussions every once in a while.
When the girls were in the hallways during breaks, I would stop, say something funny and walk away. I could hear them saying how funny I was when I was almost earshot away. After class, I would always be the first to leave. After a while, one of my male classmates told me that a good portion of the girls in my program often talked about me in a positive way.
Eventually, I did go in for the kill and asked for home numbers and went out with a couple of girls in the program. No big romances, but I had a lot of fun and saw how your relationship rules were reinforced.
It's summer now, and without class to bring us together, there is less opportunity to meet face-to-face to ask for home numbers. Because we are in a college setting, e-mail is the popular method of communication. I recently e-mailed a girl in the department, said that we should go out sometime and asked for her home number. She e-mailed me back with her home number, work number, her address, her work schedule and best times to call her. Like you always say, Doc, when they're interested, they make it easy.
I'm still going to wait a week before calling her, but what should I do as far as how often I e-mail her? Do telephone rules apply to e-mail? I am interested in knowing what you think about the use of e-mail.
Dylan, who is beginning to understand women
First let me commend you. You did a fantastic job of playing it cool and building up your personal mystery quotient in your classroom environment before you made any moves. You knew that you had a captive audience, so you took your time and let the kitty kats become intrigued and curious about you, which ultimately made your job much easier and effective when it came time to close.
When classes resume, dont get lazy or complacent and abandon this strategy. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, When it aint broke, dont fix it. Although you didnt find the love of your life last semester, that doesnt mean that you wont wind up hooking up with your soul mate next semester simply by employing the exact same strategy that you used before. To you Psych majors, dont go against the principles that made you successful.
All right, so lets get clear about this e-mail thing and the frequency of the phone usage versus the frequency of e-mailing. Dylan, when I tell all you guys to stay off the phone and not to spend time chit chatting and sharing with a girl that youre interested in, what Im really saying is to keep communication (while you are not in her actual physical presence) to an absolute minimum.
Your love interest, Dylan, whoever she may be, is dying for Mystery from her potential mate. Although shes not aware of it, she wants to be wondering about you. Wondering where you are, who it is that you are doing it with and whether you really like her or not. But, most importantly, we want her to be wondering how many other women youre going out with.
So, the more time you spend communicating with her between dates, the more info youre giving her about yourself and your activities, which actually inhibits the rise of her Interest Level.
Dylan, as far as e-mailing goes, the same rules apply. If youre doing the Internet-dating-service thing, then you can e-mail back and forth three or four times to get aquatinted and then setup a meet-for-coffee date, but once the date is set thats it; all communication ceases. And before you end that coffee date you should ask her for her home phone number.
And if, as in your case, Dylan, you already know the girl but you still dont have her home phone number, then ONE e-mail to ask her out is all that is needed. No e-mails before the date to tell her how much youre looking forward to seeing her. No e-mails after the date to tell her what a great time you had or to let her know that you found a copy of that book that she was looking for, or whatever! Let everyone else on the planet e-mail each other back and forth ten thousand times. That doesnt need to affect your behavior in any way whatsoever.
Actually, as far as dating goes, e-mailing is much less preferable to the telephone as a means of communication. Plenty of e-mails get lost in Internet limbo land for hours or even days. You e-mail her and then you have to wait for a response, which can take hours or even days.
And when youre e-mailing back and forth, not only can you not get any reading on her body language while communicating with her, just as on the phone, but you cant even hear her voice. You have no sense of the auditory tonality of her communication. E-mailing to get a date with a woman is filled with pitfalls and several disadvantages.
Lets put it this way, Dylan. E-mailing should be used only when you dont yet have a womans home phone number. Once you get her home phone number then stick with the phone instead of the Internet. Call her. Make your date and then, remain cool, lie low and give her time and space to wonder whats going on with you as her anticipation for her next rendezvous with you builds.
Remember, guys: e-mailing is anti-Challenge.
You say that in order for a woman to be interested in a guy at all, that he first must pass what you call The Physical Attraction Test. You say that if shes not physically attracted to him, then the guy is pretty much powerless to raise her Interest Level above the critical 50% threshold. I mean you really make a big deal out of how you might as well give up any hope of getting anywhere with a girl if shes not physically attracted to you, which makes sense.
But, in other articles of yours I notice that you encourage guys to always go for the 9s and 10s if they feel confident enough to take the risk. You seem to be telling guys who might rate only say a 5 on the looks scale, who dont have a chance of passing a 10s looks standards, to try anyway. Im confused. If passing the physical is the number one prerequisite that must be fulfilled before anything can go anywhere, then why should a guy ever pitch a girl whos way out of his league?
Clarence who just doesnt get it.
I like your question.
Lets start at square one. Ok, so youre a single guy, and you want to get yourself a girlfriend. The first thing you have to do is put yourself in an environment where you can meet single, available women.
Once you find a place to meet women where you feel comfortable, whether its a ballroom dancing class or a biker bar, you should approach and strike up a conversation with as many different women as you can. Some of them may be 6s, some of them may be 10s but you should talk to all of them. Why? Because you never know who youre going to click with. To you Psych majors, chemistry is everything.
I dont recommend that you fixate on only the most beautiful women. You may meet a 6 1/2 who has a 10+ personality, and wind up having an incredibly wonderful committed relationship with her. Remember, the Reality Factor says that the lower a girls rating on the beauty scale, the higher her level of giving, sweetness and flexibility tends to be.
Now, on the other hand, I encourage you not to be intimidated in any way by the 10s. Its bad policy to look at a drop-dead-gorgeous woman and tell yourself that shes out of your league. Why? Because you never can tell what kind of guy she may find attractive. You may think of yourself as a 6 but she might see you as a 9 because theres some quirky thing about you that just rings her bell. Good looks are subjective. How many times, Clarence, have you seen a strikingly gorgeous woman with a guy who aint no big deal in the looks department?
Theres another reason to always pitch whatever woman youre interested in, including the 10s. It could turn out that you just barely pass the physical, but you do squeak by. Once you do, you can then use The System to slowly but surely raise her Interest Level. The System gives you a huge advantage over the hunky pretty boy who comes on too heavy too quickly and cant keep his hands off a woman.
The point Im making is that you never know whether youre going to pass the physical with any chick, a 5 or a 10, until you check it out. Every woman is different; every single one is unique. Cindy likes tall, thin blonde guys, but her twin sister, Sandra, will date only stocky Latin men. Go figure.
Also, remember that the only reason youre pitching so many different women is so you can find the one for you. All you need is one. You only need to keep greeting and meeting new babes until you find Miss Right (and get past two months with point with her.)
Remember, guys, you never know whos gong to like
you until you check it out.
For several months I have enjoyed reading your weekly columns. I would also like to say thank you to all the contributors to your column who continue to practice and prove to other readers that your philosophy really works.
I would like to make a small contribution to all the Doc Love readers if I can. I know that there are a lot of new students to The System that may get discouraged when they try Internet Dating. I like to call Internet Dating The Rat Race. Why? Because Ive discovered that on the Internet, in the 26 to 40 age group, there are usually about seven men for every one woman. This means that the woman has more men to "choose" from than she can ever go out with.
An important key for the man who is new to your principles, is to only be going to places where the odds are at least even, otherwise he will get discouraged.
One new dating phenomenon I discovered that actually seems to be working in mens favor is "Speed Dating. Its something that appears to be growing all around the country. Its kind of cross between musical chairs and a Chamber of Commerce mixer as a way of having a quick few minutes to meet potential new romantic partners. I was skeptical at first thinking, "Oh Great! I have to get to know if I like a woman in less than three minutes and there are going to be more men than women there, as usual."
Well, the reality was FAR different from my preconceptions. The four different Speed Dating events that I participated in were more like 65% women and 35% men. Yes, men, 65% of the participants were women. Not bad huh?
Its tough to get a good read on another person in less than three minutes, but if one applies your principles in the Speed Dating situation, Doc, it can be a favorable and enjoyable experience. Some of the guys I've seen at these Speed Dating events are very nervous, wondering how theyre going to make a good impression on that cute girl. Some are worried about saying the wrong thing to the girl to the point of having the jitters which of course is going to work against them. Again, they just need to study and master your materials.
But anyway, Doc, I think that Speed dating, overall, is a fun and easy way to meet and check out a lot of different women without having to do much work at all. You certainly dont need to do much driving. I guess what Im saying is that as far as time and money goes, its very cost effective. So what do you think Doc?
Chad who wants to spread the word
Thanks for sharing your experience and your insights.
Here are some things to keep in mind when participating in a Speed Dating event,
Remember, guys: winners dont quit.
I am sure you get tons of questions like this but I need some good pointers.
Ive known this girl for a year, ran into her every so often on campus and we would talk casually. Then one day my buddy hands me her phone number. She gave it to him and asked him to have me call her, so I did. It took awhile but we finally got in touch.
We talked on the phone quite a bit for a few weeks and then I ran into her at a local pub. While there, after a few bottles of liquid courage, I asked her "So do you think we could ever date?" She said Yeah, I think thats possible. She also said, I really like you for your mind" which surprised me. Ive never had a girl tell me that before.
Since then, which was 6 weeks ago, weve talked a lot more on the phone and have been hanging out together quite a bit. Weve had in depth conversations about family, growing up, our backgrounds, our life goals and dreams. We get along fantastically and laugh a lot whenever were together. Anyway, to the meat of the question.
We were talking about a rather serious issue the other night and I told her that Im there for her and that even if its at 4 am in the morning she can call me for support. So she stops, turns to me and says: " I really enjoy talking to you and I am having fun getting to know you more, and I want to continue to get to know you more, but I want to take it slow and take my time. Do you understand what I am telling you?" I told her that I understood and that that was cool.
So what I want to know is, is there good potential here and how do I go about keeping her interested in me and make sure that its going to develop into a relationship all at the same time? I really, really think she is special and I want this to go in the right direction. I dont what to put in a lot of time to have it only develop into another pretty female friend relationship because I have plenty of those.
Give me what you got doc.
Donovan who needs to know if hes on the right track
Your girl friend wants to take it slow? Donovan, if you took it any slower youd be in a state of rigor mortis. I mean, dude, If you laid back any further you wouldnt be breathing. But lets start at the top.
You knew this girl for a year and you never asked for her phone number. What were you waiting for, a sign from the heavenly hosts? Luckily for you, she had such high Interest Level (at least initially) that she did your job for you and got the ball rolling. If she hadnt, the two of you would still only be chit chatting during accidental encounters on campus.
Then, once you had her number you talked with her on the phone for a few weeks and never asked her out? Donovan, youve got about as much gumption as a slug. But, unfortunately, this story gets even worse.
Even after the alcohol cut down the fear factor for you, you came up with one of the weakest, most wimp-assed, wussified ways of asking a girl out that Ive ever heard of: So do you think we could ever date? No wonder she responded so half-heartedly and then gave you that I really like you for your mind line. I really like you for your mind is Womanese for, Not if you were the last man on the island.
After that, you were back to your favorite addiction, the phone. I think, Donovan, that Im going to have to rename you Mr. AT&T. Listen, youve got to wean yourself from this telephonic crutch, guy. Of course, considering your state of ignorance, what I just said may not make much sense to you. Please allow me to explain.
The telephone is a technological device that is, in the context of wooing women, only to be used to set up your next date. You should only spend five minutes max on that sucker and then get the hell off the line. Yes, guys, beware. Talking on the phone is dangerous. Its like juggling with nitro. One slip and the next thing you know, things are blowing up in your face.
Never have an extended chat-fest on the phone with a girl you are courting. Or as my Cousin, Sal, The Fish would say, The less she knows about you, the more shell want you.
Donovan, I regretfully must inform you that, as far as romance goes, your relationship with your girl-friend is DOA. If you just take your head out of you the sand and take an objective look at the facts, youll understand what Im talking about.
Look, there you were, offering her unconditional love and support in her time of emotional stress and at that very moment she drops a whammy on you! A girl with high Interest Level would have hugged you warmly and thanked your for your commitment and support. But what does this girl do? She tells you, in Womanese, that she wants to distance herself from you. As Shakespeare would say, Somethings rotten in Denmark.
Donovan, you say that you dont want to put in a lot of time into this relationship, only to have it develop into another pretty female friend relationship because you have plenty of those. Well, Donovan, as far as I can see you dont seem to have any problem putting unlimited time into it. You took a year to go out with her. Youve talked on the phone with her for weeks and weeks and have spent hours and hours with her and as far as I can tell, you havent even tried to kiss her. But at this point, to try would be an exercise in futility.
And the last bit of bad news, Donovan, is that what youve got here IS another pretty female friend relationship. This is your life. This is your pattern with women. You stay as passive as you can, terrified of risking any kind of rejection and you dont let women see the real man that you are. Weve got to start building your confidence and raise your testosterone level.
Please, for the love of Pete, start studying and practicing The Sytem. If you do, soon youll no longer be playing the role of butler, therapist and Mr. Shoulder to CryOn in your relationships with women. Instead youll be getting some real action.
Remember, guys: dont volunteer to be the
I subscribed to one of those Internet dating services and posted my photo along with a fairly comprehensive personality profile of myself. After getting no real action for some time, I decided to run a test. Yes, Doc, I did the morally reprehensible thing and substituted a photo of a much better looking man for my own.
The results were alarming. A number of women immediately responded with some of the real lookers proclaiming their love, even after the exchange of only a few lines of text. Never in my regular life as a decent, honest, and hardworking man had I ever received such attention. It shook me to the core of my being like nothing else.
Such love freely offered to the better-looking man. Funny that he had the same personality as me. I guess that doesn't matter though. Anyway, Id be very interested in any thoughts you might have about all this, Doc.
Kenneth who thinks its all pretty unfair
Your experience reminds me of that of another one of my students. Lets call him Bill. Bill is an average looking guy. On a scale of one to ten, most women would probably give him a seven, at best. But as far as personality goes, Bill is a ten. Hes very intelligent, funny as hell and a genuinely good-hearted guy.
Every Sunday, Bill goes to a non-denominational Science of Mind type church in L.A. This particular church has a very charismatic minister and a kick-ass choir that is always accompanied by a rhythm section of world class studio musicians. Its a very hip, happening kind of scene with a certain edge of glamour to it. Most Sundays you will find two or three celebrities in attendance amongst a congregation of several hundred people.
As you might expect with such a scenario, the place is stocked with an abundance of babes. But even though these girls are spiritually oriented, theyve still got a bit of that L.A. attitude thing going on. They tend to be somewhat guarded and standoffish when guys try to connect with them. Many of the most attractive women there leave as soon as the service is over rather than stay for coffee, muffins and socializing during which they might have to deal with grabby guys who want a friendly post service hug from them.
Now Bill attends these services, primarily for the inspirational and spiritual benefits that he derives. But, naturally, hes not been oblivious to the potential there for meeting women. The thing is, even though hes been a member of the congregation for over a year and a half, hes never gone out on a date with one girl that hes met at his church. Hes had nice conversations with several women there that hes gotten to know over time, but hes never gotten any romantic buying signals from any of them.
One day, not too long ago, Bill brought his friend Lance to church with him. Lance, who had never been there before is about 62 with long thick hair down to his shoulders. He looks like a Viking king who now earns his living doing Calvin Klein underwear advertisements.
After the service that day, Bill asked Lance if he enjoyed his experience there. Lance said to Bill, Yeah, the minister is great and I loved the music. But whats with the women here? Theyre so aggressive! Ive been hit on three times since I got here. One girl wouldnt let me go until I wrote down her phone number!. Yes, Lance was complaining. Moments later, one of the real beauties of the congregation who had never even smiled at Bill once since hed been going there, walked right up to Lance and said, Hi! Are you new here? As you might imagine, Bills mouth dropped open in disbelief.
So, both you and Bill, Kenneth, had similar experiences, and both of you had similar responses to it: utter shock. Why? Because the behavior of these women was completely contrary to the values that the sisterhood of womenfolk espouses. When asked about what qualities are most important in a potential mate, most women will tell you that a sense of humor and intelligence are at the top of the list. And according to the majority of women, its men who care most about how a woman looks and least about her personality.
But as every good student of The System knows, in order to get to the truth, we look at peoples actions primarily, rather than their words. And in this case, heres is the obvious conclusion that we must arrive at: Women are motivated by looks just as much as men are, regardless of what they say. They overlook personality in favor of physical appearance, exactly as men do. Womens shaming of men for being looks obsessed is a bunch of hypocritical hogwash.
All right, Kenneth, so how does an average looking guy deal with all this? Yes, its easy to feel bitter and frustrated. Its easy to feel resentful, but none of that is helpful. If you, Kenneth, had the face and body of Bills friend Lance, then youd have legions of beautiful women coming after you. But you dont look like Lance and you will never have the kind of attention from women that Lance does. Thats reality, so dont fight it. You are who, you are and you have to work with the cards that God dealt you.
If youre going to continue using the Internet dating services as a resource for meeting women, then you should, of course put your own real photo back with your profile. But Id have some of your friends and family give you some objective feedback about the picture of yourself that you were using. Does it represent you at your best or is it of poor quality? Its always best to have a pro shoot your photo for you. With a better photo of yourself, you may start getting a measurably improved response rate.
If changing your photo doesnt help, then the Internet just aint your niche. You have to find your niche. It may be Sierra Club hikes, dance classes or psychic faires where the women outnumber men five to one. Just keep swinging, Kenneth, till you get a hit.
Remember, guys: you have do the best you can with what
I have a question about how to end a date thats going in the dumper. Lets say that youre out with a girl that youve already spent some time with and you totally follow The System all the time that youre with her. (You keep the conversation fun and light. You keep your hands to yourself. Youre a total gentleman while still being slightly mysterious, etc., etc.)
Then at the end of the evening, you go to kiss your date, and she turns away. That, of course, tells you that she doesnt and never did have any interest in you. And if this happens, Doc, you advise remaining cool and not getting uptight. You say its best to just go home, throw her number away, move on to the next adventure and not bother trying to get her to see how dishonest shes been.
Heres my question: Why not just say, "Why did you waste my time and jerk me around like this? Go rot in hell." Or, "I think its best that I tear up your damn phone number now! (With optional "you stupid bitch".) I mean, why beat around the bush? Why not just tell her off? Let her know that you're not buying into her little shell game. You might add in something more like, "Do you do this with all your dates? No wonder you're not married!
Now, I know you're over there saying, Youve got to be a gentleman. Well, yeah, sure. But if you're never going to see her again, why not just let her have it?
What do you say Doc?
Nate who wants to just tell it like it is
Listen, I understand the impulse to want to verbally strike back at a woman who has knowingly misled you. You think, Man, she should have to burn a little bit here. She needs to know that there are consequences for such offensive behavior. Maybe she just doesnt get it. Ive gotta make her understand how shes dissed me. She needs a dose of her own medicine, damn it! Etc. etc. etc. But as youve already surmised, Nate, I do not recommend going down this path, and Ill tell you why.
But before we go on, lets get clear about who and what were dealing with here. Who is this woman who engenders such rage and frustration? As you longtime readers know, I call her The Professional Dater. The Professional Dater is a woman who accepts and goes out on dates with men in whom she has no romantic interest whatsoever.
She enjoys the all expenses-paid-night out on the town with door-to-door car service. She enjoys being wined and dined. She enjoys getting attention and compliments from yet another male suitor. She delights in the feeling of being wanted by various guys who will do anything to get close to her (like a stripper who really likes her work.)
And . shes a self-centered, self-serving user whos only showing up for her own pleasure and entertainment. She has no regard for the feelings of any of the men she exploits. Shes morally and ethically corrupt.
But because the Professional Dater has such finely honed flirting skills, its darn near impossible to tell that youve got one of these deceitful divas on your hands until youve spent three or four hours with her. Fortunately, by using my principles you CAN weed her out by the end of one date. Normally it might take you three or four dates, or even more before you finally discovered that you had a P.D. on your hands.
Now, on your quest to find the woman of your dreams, Nate, youre going to have to do a lot of dating; and if you do a lot of dating, you will have numerous encounters with Professional Daters. They are NOT a rare breed. The dating jungle is filled with them. Heres the point: whether you run into one or a hundred different P. D.s its not your job to be their daddy and to try to teach them the error of their ways.
If their own fathers didnt teach them to be respectful towards men, why should you try to take on the task? It requires too much energy expenditure, and a Professional Dater simply does not deserve any more of your time and energy. What you need to do is keep your own Karma clear and clean, bow out gracefully and maintain a positive attitude and a positive energy flow. To you Psych majors, just because shes a low-life doesnt mean you should be one too.
Heres another point. When you start getting invested in having her understand how terribly WRONG she is you and how righteously RIGHT you are, then youre just getting yourself emotionally hooked into her. Needing her to get it is still needing something from her, and why would you want to put yourself in that position? One other thing to keep in mind is that if you start bad-mouthing her and putting her down, it not only makes YOU look bad but it also gives her ammo to use against you. For instance, you might say, Youre nothing but a lying skank who hates men! That then gives her the opportunity to say something like, I knew you werent a nice guy. Do you see now why I didnt want to kiss you?
In an instant you can find yourself on the defensive before you even know what happened. So dont put yourself at risk. Take the highroad. Stay cool and centered. Besides, you might see her again in a social context in which you wouldnt want her to be saying anything bad about you to others. Dont give her any motivation to want to be whispering negative things in the ear of another woman you meet, say, at party that shes attending.
If youre having trouble with this concept of staying cool, Nate, think of it this way. If you were to run across a rattlesnake on a mountain path that was coiled and ready to strike, you wouldnt get in its face and tell it that it shouldnt be so hostile. No, you would calmly and cooly disengage from contact with it and get out of its way.
And if you need to vent about what a two-faced-no-good scumstress your ex-date is, then do it with your buddies. Rail and rant and rave to them all you want about how she did you wrong. Get all the resentment out of your system, release it and move on.
Remember, guys: you always want to show class.
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