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Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love,
dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question?
You can write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
Why is Having Sex Too Early Bad? Dear Dennis: The girls that give sex up front are getting all the guys, but they don't seem to keep them for long. Guys view them as a fuck buddy type thing but not for a real relationship. The women who wait a bit to give out sex live most of their lives lonely, but end up marrying the guy at the very end, but are alone and depressed most of their lives. Is there any way to strike a balance here? Hello! Where did you get the idea that girls that go for sex early on don't keep guys? In my experience and according to my own research, it's the girls that try to hold out too long that lose guys. If you're find this is happening to you and your friends, it's because you're not getting investments back from your sex partners. You're doing dumb things like "hanging out" together rather than dating; and probably doing 1001 other bad-idea things along the way. The balance comes in first realizing that sex is its own benefit as well as a connection between you and a partner. It's based on that connection (and notice I didn't say "relationship") that this comes about. The relationship comes later on, but there has to be some foundation for having sex if you want more than just the sex itself. Best regards… Is it Just “Clingy” or Something Else? Dear Doc: I am 20 and the longest I have been in a relationship is 10 months, but I have noticed a pattern in all of the girls I have dated. When I first meet them, they seem to be head over heels for me, they seem to love my charm, since of humor and look and things go okay for about a month or two. I am what you would call a gentlemen type of boyfriend. I always pay on dates, open the door for the girl, see what movie they want to see, so on... and later in our relation ship I am very affectionate, telling them I love them when we get done talking on the phone, and holding there hand in public, etc. I start noticing a pattern: the more interest I show in the girl, the more they start to distance themselves. I always figured that to show a girl I am interested in her, I had to pay a lot of attention to her, but I think that it turns them off. I think maybe they think I am to "clingy". My friends say I need to start acting like a jerk to them. I just wanted a second opinion on the matter, a more professional one. Hello! "Clingy" is far too simplistic a concept to explain all of this. No, it's not that you're clingy, it's that you're not allowing - or expecting - these girls to invest in your relationship. You never give them that chance, so after 10 months (or so) of this, they begin to realize this fact and go off to find someone that knows better. Yes, IN A WAY girls like "jerks". The problem with this concept is that it's a very subtle thing and frankly, very few guys can pull it off properly. Trust me on this one: you don't have the experience nor example to do it. What you think is being diplomatic actually comes off as weak and disorganized to women. The best example I can give you is your own statement about being a "gentleman boyfriend". Specifically, "...pay on dates, open the door for the girl, see what movie they want to see..." This is the pattern that's killing you. You're making the girl the focus of the relationship. She doesn't want to be this - she wants YOU to be this. There's a difference between basic courtesy and over-giving. For instance, you should always open the door for a woman. Why? Simple: you're bigger than her (most likely) and many doors are just heavy to move. You walk out the outside of the curb - toward the street. Why? Because you're bigger and easier to see by on-coming traffic. These forms of courtesy not only let her feel more like a woman but they have practical reasons for being as well. This isn't your problem however. You need to assert yourself - your desires, your wants, your plans, etc. - into the relationship early-on and keep them going. You're not doing that, I can already tell. You're asking her what she wants, what she expects, etc., and then trying to jump through hoops to give them to her. That's your mistake. Instead, you need to first decide what you want (the hardest part for nice guys like you by the way) and then to not only tell her, but expect her to comply with it - which she will, happily - in HER language. Women are complicated, wonderful creatures. They are flexible in ways you and I can only hope to be, but trust me on this one: they don't want to be the one that has to decide everything. They'd far rather follow the plan - if only you can decide what that is and communicate it to her in her own language. Herein lies the problem! I know I've left you confused by this because you can't turn to some movie or TV show you've ever seen to extract an example of this behavior. Unfortunately, your education about women - what they want, who that are, etc. - is wrong. Totally wrong. You need to rebuild that education if you ever want more than 10-month relationships, because women just aren't here to teach you how to be a man. They expect you to already know. If you prove to them you're not one (which you do through your "program" of being the nice guy) they bolt looking form someone like me. [Man! Am I an arrogant jackass or what!???] I strongly recommend you seek out that education you so badly need. There's no reason why you can't learn to keep these things going properly and to even grow them, but YOU have to decide to seek it out. It doesn't come to you, and trust me, it's not just floating out there for you to absorb. In fact, it's rather hidden. Seek it out and change your life. It's that simple. Best regards… Being Too Smart for “Girl Games” Hey Dr. Neder! I've been reading through some of your answers and one common piece of advice you give women is to not play stupid games. Girls do it all the time and 9 times out of 10, it completely screws everything up for them and she ends up not getting what she wants out of the relationship. This all makes complete sense! After all who wants to be involved with someone that is unpredictable and rude? That being said, we still feel the need to do it all the time! Even though I know better, I still sometimes catch myself not picking up the phone when guys call, avoiding him, etc., etc. I realize from everything that you have written, that I'm just being stupid, but I'm wondering, why in the world do we do this in the first place? It doesn’t seem particularly logical when you stand back and think about it, but that doesn't seem to change the fact that girls do it all the time. Why do you think that is? Fear? Ignorance? Thanks for the insight! Hello! What an incredibly great question this is! Thank you for asking! More important, this is an incredibly smart question to ask - the answer will lead you right to where you want to go - happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships with high-quality people. Isn't that reward worth just about any effort? Let's start with this: by playing these "girl games", you're not being "stupid"; although these actions lead directly away from what you really want. In fact, it's like you said - you feel compelled to play them. I get it. It's very tough for women to NOT do these things because it's wired into you. I won't bore you with all the science behind this, but trust me, it's there. This is true of guys too - there are many things that we want to do naturally that work against us. Becoming the friend first and not being the strong masculine energy in our relationships are two of many examples that you know I deal with every day right here. We have to fight these natural tendencies in order to have something better - and to be better partners for the women we love. It's that realization that makes us want to seek out better ways - and many guys do. Likewise, women have to come to the realization that these games work entirely against your own goals. It's easy to play them because technology makes it so. Just because something is easy however doesn't make it a good choice. Often, the things that are harder offer greater rewards and this is certainly an example of that fact! In reality, both fear and ignorance play big rolls in why women do these things, but so does laziness. It's difficult to do all the right things in relationship. Trust me, my guys know this! You girls are far less tolerant of these mistakes we make than we are of yours. On the flip side however, playing these games puts you in with guys that will tolerate them because they usually have no other choice! That's a huge pool to draw from (a good thing for you women) but it's full of "also-rans". In other words, the guys that either don't understand these games or are simply willing to play them to get what they want aren't exactly the types of guys that will make your toes curl if you know what I mean. "Picky" or "selective" aren't words I'd use to describe them. "Desperate" and "pussy" are more like it. If you want a better type of guy, YOU have to become more worthy of him and the very best place to start is by demanding of yourself a higher plane of existence. Don't settle for "common" or "average" or "like everybody else". Demand of yourself to NOT play these games and you'll instantly rise above all your sisters that don't know the difference or simply don't care to learn. Best regards… Which Guys are “Marriage Material”? Dr. Dennis: What are some signs that a man is "marriage material" and that a woman should definitely consider pursuing him seriously? Hello! One of the best signs is to check the ring finger of his left hand (at least here in the States); if there's a wedding band there, he's "marriage material". Unfortunately, your question is based on a false belief: that there are guys that you can marry and guys you can't. While that may be true for individuals; for instance, you and some guy aren't a good match, in fact, any guy can be marriage material depending on the girl. Here's the reality: Marriage (along with being the wrong focus in the first place) is very different for men and women. For you as a woman; marriage means security, love, family, future, status and many other positive things. That's why you are (wrongly) focusing on it as your goal. (By the way: I say "wrongly" because marriage isn't what you should be focusing on anyway - marriage is a FORMAT of a relationship - not the relationship itself. What you really want is a happy, healthy relationship in whatever format it takes; but I digress...) To men however, marriage means loss of freedom, loss of choice, stress, responsibility, having a business partner to make all the decisions with, and many other negative things. So, here's your key: ANY MAN (and yes, I mean ANY MAN) is "marriage material" PROVIDED you discover exactly what he needs in order to give up his freedom, choice, take on stress and responsibility, etc.; and then BECOME THAT WOMAN TO HIM. Do you get this? If you become this woman to any guy, he'll have you standing before a minister so fast it'll make your head spin. So, why do so many men seem to avoid marriage? Obviously for the reasons I've already given you, but it goes deeper. The real reason is that women (especially today) are very much "me-focused". They think "What will *I* get out of this?" Since they want to be married, they focus exclusively on their own wants, wishes, dreams, desires, etc., and just assume that their guys want the same thing. When they realize this isn't the case, they get angry - at the guy! They claim they were "led on" or that the rules changed; when in fact, the guy simply opened the door for her to try to become this woman to him. She (selfishly) never bothered and then was surprised, hurt and angry when he never pulled the trigger! Frankly, this is just pure arrogance on the part of the woman! So, to get back to your question: EVERY GUY is "marriage material". It depends far, far more on the woman than the man. The real question becomes then, are YOU "marriage material" for the guy? Best regards... Maybe He’ll be Mine If I Get Pregnant? Hi Doc! Here is my situation: I am dating a guy who I am in love with. We started seeing each other in November 2008 but in February he told me we should break it off because he's not ready for anything serious as he is going through a divorce. He said he needs time to find himself. After that the discussion, things didn't change much. We still text each other and talked and hang out like before but there was no sex. I did not want to let it go, so I kept hanging out at his place and recently we have started sleeping together again. He has made is very clear that he is not committed to me or the relationship. In my mind I feel like he is the man I want to marry and thoughts of getting pregnant intentionally have crossed my mind. He always uses a condom during sex but last night he did not which surprised me. I found myself praying that I get pregnant. I am 35 years old and in dire need of a family or a child. I know I should cut off this relationship but I also think that if I hang around long enough he will change his mind and if I accidentally get pregnant that may turn him around and commit to a relationship. Am I being selfish and what advise do you have for me? I'm so confused as am so in love with him and it hurts because I know he is not in the same place with me. Hello! Wow! This situation is entirely toxic! Would you really get pregnant; knowing damn well that he's not interested in anything but sex with you in order to try to land this guy? That's called "fraudulent paternity" and frankly is pretty despicable; not the least of which is for your own unborn child. Is that all you think your children deserve? Seriously, snap out of this right now. Wake the hell up. This guy has told you that all you are to him is a sex partner (I debated on whether to make it bolder just to make the point, but decided against it - you know what I mean however!) Yes, you are being totally and completely selfish here! You're not thinking of him and you're sure as hell not thinking of your future child! Here's what would happen if you got pregnant: he'll bolt. You may be able to go after him for child support payments - and you'd get it - even thought he doesn't want you or your child; but the reality is that you'll never have him. This is true even if he agreed to stay around! He would be there physically, but not emotionally, spiritually or intellectually. Please, PLEASE don't do this. Your own kids deserve so much better than this - even if you don't think you do. Kick this guy to the curb, get yourself healed right away and go find someone you can love that loves you back. Then, become the woman of this new guy's dreams, get married and have that family you want. DO NOT try to entrap this guy by getting pregnant - it's going to backfire, trust me. I see it almost every single day! Best regards.. Hey Doc, I have a question: why are women attracted to men (and not to each other)? I know what attracts me to women, women are beautiful and soft but I wonder what’s in women's brains that make them see men as more attractive than women? I can’t imagine my self kissing another man but why do women see it as enjoyable? I asked this question to few girls before and they don't seem to know the answer. Can you explain this? Thanks! Hello! Some of the questions I get are more of the same and I answer them. Some of them (like yours) are excellent and I can hardly wait to get to them. Thanks! Yes, this is a great question. Let me see if I can shed some light on this. There are many things to admire about women: their looks, the softness of their skin and bodies, their smell, their hair and their nurturing, giving qualities. We both agree on all of these. Most women however see these things not as sexual attractiveness, but as weakness. Therein lies your answer. There's a lot of evolutionary sociology behind all of this and I'll try not to bore you with much science, but consider this: you evolved to admire primarily sexual characteristics of women; things that make her look young, healthy and vibrant primarily because these are the types of characteristics that produce healthy offspring able to reproduce. Characteristics that produce unhealthy offspring died off with them because they weren't around to reproduce! Women did the same thing, but in a different way, with a different motivation. Women; being burdened with doing most of the child raising had to naturally look for others to protect them, help them gather food and help them raise their young. They too want offspring that will be healthy and to survive into sexual adulthood. In effect, this means strength and power. Those are the most attractive qualities that women see in men. You see, just as you want healthy offspring, so do women, but we go about creating them from different motivations. Now, just as some men prefer brunettes and some prefer blonds, women have physical and emotional choices too, but they define "attractiveness" differently than you do based on this programming. To a woman, the thought of being with a powerful man creates security and safety. Women need this security in order to feel love - and loved by the way. Part of this is sexual attraction too. Women are motivated by their own genes to find men who can produce strong healthy children as sexually attractive. Aspects like kissing, cuddling, having sex, etc., are all things that build positive physical and emotional sensations in us because we are pre-wired that way. Women get emotional, physical and sexual arousal from those things that they equate with basic sexual characteristics - just like we guys do. The difference is that we need different things. You run into some confusion here however. How come women simply don't go for the biggest, brutish types of men they can find? Simple: these guys also consume the most resources! (There are some other reasons behind this too but again, it gets pretty complicated pretty quickly!) Women view other things as "powerful" too: someone with attitude, someone with confidence, high-income earners, intelligence, men with social status, etc. These are guys that CREATE the greatest resources. Today, it's fundamentally within the home and the culture. With our ancestors, it was the guys that went out on the hunt to bring back protein for the family at great personal risk to themselves. By the way consider that a group of individuals - even if they are all women - are "strong" too. This is why women also developed much keener communication and social skills than men did. By creating a community, women were able to provide better for their own offspring. Of course they also competed together for limited resources - food, shelter, protection - and men. This explains why so many women can be catty towards each other too. It comes from a basis of competition with each other. Now, these things are highly over-simplified, but if you consider them, you'll get a very good idea not only of what women are looking for in men, but why they find someone you don't think is attractive, so appealing. Best regards... Hi Doc: I guess my situation is common but let me ask what you think any way. I am a 42 year old woman that has been dating a 50 year old man for 4 years now, we have been living together for 2 years now and we’re both divorced. When we met I was very clear what I wanted and he seemed to want the same which was to be married. Well again it has been 4 years and he has not asked me to marry him yet. When we talk about it he will say he isn’t sure that he wants to be married again but that he knows he loves me and wants to spend his life with me other times he will say to have patience. Well I think after 4 years of dating he should be able to ask me to marry him I don’t think I’m rushing things. He tells me all the time that we love each other and we get along great and have a very blessed life why do I want to get married. Just as everyone I have a type of life that I want I want to be married and live till death do we part with him. Some people want kids and some don’t and I guess it’s just the type of life I want. Do you think he will ever ask me to marry him or do you think that I should move on and maybe I will find someone else I want to spend my life with and get married and then maybe I wont. Please tell me what you think!!! Thank you Hello! Oh my god! You've wanted to be married for all of these 4 years and you still aren't? What the hell?? You seem like a nice woman! I'm sure you could go out this very weekend and find someone that would marry you TODAY! Then, you'd be happy and all of this wondering would be behind you, right? Of course not. Come on now. You've been focused on marriage all of this time and you're really missing the entire point. No, not "everyone" wants the same things. You're totally missing one important fact: marriage isn't the relationship itself; it's a FORMAT of a relationship. So is living together, dating exclusively, dating non-exclusively, LDR's, dating with kids, dating with gerbils, etc., etc., etc. There are thousands of formats and marriage is only one of them. Here's more reality: You view marriage as all sorts of good things: security, success, family, future, love, status, etc., etc. Men however view marriage as something very different. We see it as stress, responsibility, loss of freedom, loss of choice, taking on a business partner that we have to run every decision by and many other negative things. Add to this some other facts such as women often change dramatically after they get married. They often gain weight, stop or change their sexualities, stop focusing on their partners, etc. Divorces are usually far worse on men than they are on women as well. Our divorce courts (and in fact, society in general) view men in divorce situations as the only bad guy, despite the fact that wives file 72% (majority) of all divorces! It's almost amazing to me that men ever get married in the first place! What you have now seems like the perfect situation, but you're not satisfied with it because you want that big party and a contract that will nail him if he doesn't do things exactly the way you want him to. What you call "commitment" you're getting far, far more of right now than you'd ever have in a marriage! He CHOOSES to be with you now even though it wouldn't hurt him much to end things. If he were married to you, it wouldn't be a choice - it's be a court-ordered mandate! Ohhh!! How romantic!!! Let's bottom line this thing: if you honestly have to be married to be happy, then you need to go find someone - anyone - that will give that to you right now. Don't worry about whether your boyfriend will ever come to that point - just go do it. Then, you'll have the happiness you want. On the other hand, if you are looking for a solid, loving, committed relationship with someone you respect and love, the focus on the quality of the relationship itself - in whatever format it takes. Best regards... Hi I don't know if you or anyone knows how to answer this question. But I was wondering how does someone really know if they are in love or deeply attracted to another person? I've read that you would know if you fell in love with someone, and that you would never have to ask yourself if you truly loved someone. Is this the case? Are the 2 the same or different, and how do you differentiate between the 2? What about lust? What is your definition to this word? The reason I'm asking is that I’m feeling all kinds of emotions with a particular guy, (happiness, sadness, frustration, sometimes all at once) and I’m really confused, and frustrated. Our feelings are pretty in sync at times, I love being around him, even if we don’t have much to say; sometimes just putting my arms around him gives me such happiness. I think about him all the time, yet I'm not sure how I really feel about him. We're not seriously dating yet. Do I need to clearly understand my feelings about him first, before committing seriously to him, or does this all evolve over time? Is this one of life's mystery which is best left unsolved? Thanks Hello! Poets, authors, song writers and romantics in all of time have been trying to answer this very question. So, in my own arrogance, I'll give it a shot too. Part of the problem is that there are so many different types of love, yet only one word to describe it. The Romans had a number of different words for it: "eros" (erotic love"), "pathos" (romantic love) and "philos" (brotherly love) for example. You instantly see that this doesn't go far enough however. There are still other types of love, like the love of friends, or the love of a mother and child or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar, etc. Here's my definition of romantic love (the one I think you're asking me about): Love is when you find yourself compelled to worry or be concerned over someone else's happiness and well-being before your own. That may not seem like much of a definition, but if you're ever been in love, you'd know that feeling. A person in love dwells on the "love object's" happiness and well-being far, far before their own. It's natural to be concerned with our own well-being, but that turns outward (and to the same degree) when we are in love. Do you know this when you're in love? Yes, you do, but no discussion of love would be complete without knowing that this is a two-edged sword. Any person that has ever been in this sort of love and been hurt by it would never wish it to happen again! It's one of the single most painful experiences anyone can face. You may have heard the old saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"? Not to anyone that has done it! I'll bet you weren't expecting THAT commentary, were you? Deep attraction to someone is definitely different than love. Whereas attraction is a selfish pursuit (and I mean "selfish" not in a bad way at all!) whereas love feels like a purely altruistic thing; although it's not. Among other things, it's the feelings that are different between them. I personally don't believe in love at first sight for this reason. I DO believe in the answer to your next question however: LUST at first sight. Lust is that "eros" I mentioned before. It's a sexual longing/needing of another person. Sometimes it's combined with other types of love, and sometimes it exists on it's own. You can't wait to get into your lover's pants and everything they do makes you horny. Interesting, this is a type of experience that permeates the rest of your life! You'll always remember that person's perfume or cologne for instance. You'll always remember certain hair styles or body shapes, etc., and these can cause you to get aroused by people that share the single attribute! In many ways, lust is more powerful than love. (I can already hear the collective groans of the romantics reading this right now!) Think about this however: lust is so powerful that governments, parents, churches and many other organizations are all trying to get control over yours! They pass laws, set rules, establish doctrine, etc. all in an attempt to control people's lust. That should tell you something, because once you get hold of someone else's sex, you absolutely OWN that other person! Further, people will risk everything they have, everything they've built to satisfy their lust. Consider the cases where teachers are caught having sex with under-aged students. Do you think this is an act of love? Well, perhaps in some cases, but I can say with some confidence that it is always at least permeated with lust. To get to your last question, no you don't need to clearly understand your feelings towards him at all. In fact, trying to do so is all but futile! You're not ever going to understand these feelings. Instead, work to accept them. For many people, that is far more difficult! Best regards... Ok Dr., here is the background for this question:
I used your “blitzkrieg technique” and talked to her one day, waited a week, talked again, waited four days, talked again, a week off, etc. She replies and asks questions back every time, HOWEVER she NEVER makes first contact. When she was drunk she kept telling me via text (and don’t worry, we don’t text often at all) that she is "the most fun I could ever have, especially drunk." She never says she can’t wait to see me outright, but that she can’t wait to come home, which is understandable. She also gets very offended when I made the jest "are you a boringish girl?" It was almost as though she was out to prove herself as fun. She even went as far as saying "Didn’t you see my club pictures?!!” But, here’s the big issue: she is bringing her gay friend with her when she visits! They are visiting and I will be the one calling her to hang when she is here. But keep in mind they are not coming to see me specifically. It was more of a "Oh, your coming up for a few days to visit family? Well lets meet up!” sort of thing. They are driving and he is not from around here, so she might (and I stress MIGHT) not have a place to dump him off. I have made it clear that we will be meeting up alone on several occasions, but how can I make sure that he isn’t there doing the old block the cock thing? She has pictures of him online of them kissing and just being close, typical girl thinks gay guy is cute/adorable type thing. I think you will have much to say on this topic, can you ease my mind at all? Hello! Well, I'll say this: you've been paying attention in class! By the way - you've been using the challenges very well to move this forward. Good job! Here's one more that you might want to try, "I've never met a [insert some attribute of her's here - "Philly", "Irish", "teacher", "Catholic", whatever] girls that knew how to kiss very well." Then, leave it at that. Challenge thrown! Why would you be calling her to set things up only when she gets here? Why not have it all planned instead BEFORE she arrives? Get things set up so that you already have the date planned and organized. You need to ask yourself just how "gay" this guy is! I'm getting the impression that it's not exactly 100% here. That could work against you. Here's what you have to keep in mind: HE has her full attention - not you. Thus, you need to win HIM over far more than you need to win HER over. If he's really gay and only a friend of hers, he can do far more to build you up in her mind than you could ever do! Thus, plan on meeting him and becoming the close buddy! If you do that, he's going to help you out here. If not, he's going to block you. You should also have some place for him to go. Look around town and find a couple of gay clubs. This is a great place to take them both! He'll have lots of opportunities to meet some guys and you'll have the girl mostly to yourself. Best regards.. Hey Doc: A month ago I saw this girl at a dance party. We stared at each other for a very long time and the spark was obviously there, but I had to leave and she had friends next to her so I missed the chance to meet her. Few days ago, I came across her profile on Facebook and guess what, we are at the same university! I sent her a friend request, explaining our early acquaintance and I told her I would be happy to take the first step for meeting her on Facebook since the chances of coming across with her and meeting her in person are very low. She accepted my friend request without any response. Then I messaged her asking some questions about dance and her department, etc. She replied in a very friendly manner but surprisingly, she said she does not remember me! (Wow, how do you forget a person you have explicitly flirted with?) At the same time, she left a flirtatious and funny comment under one of my photos, relating to another photo of me, which obviously made me think that she has been scanning through my profile. After a few messages back and forth, I told her I would like to meet her in person and would like to know her better and I asked for her number. She replied "Of course, I would be glad to meet you, but you give me your number and I will message you." I gave her my number, respecting her privacy. However, she hasn't messaged me for 2 days. I started to wonder if she is not interested although she said she would be happy to meet me. The more surprising thing is, she keeps commenting on my status on Facebook in this 2 days period. Is she playing games? Could you please give me an insight on what to do? Thank you. Hello! So, you were waiting for the "perfect opportunity" to approach her and it never came. That figures - they never DO come! If you continue to wait for perfect opportunities, or even good ones without MAKING them for yourself, you're going to be one lonely guy! Next point: OF COURSE she didn't message you! Regardless of what she said, it's not her job to move this forward, it's YOURS. You tried to give that up and put it in her hands. She's not going to call you or text you (god forbid anyway!) You could call this a "game", but it's one you've lost for lack of knowing what to do. Honestly, I can hardly blame her since you've set yourself up for all of this! Here are some rules you'd better learn (and by the way, there are more of them than just this short list): 1) Perfect opportunities never come. Good ones rarely come. 2) You need to learn to MAKE opportunities with women because of this! 3) It's YOUR JOB to approach women - regardless of the eye contact or friends or whatever. 4) When you don't, they instantly think you're a coward. 5) Unfortunately, they are almost always right! 6) When you do approach them, you need to get DIGITS at the very least. 7) Using Facebook or technology of any kind works against you in all of this 8) Because it makes you look weak and cowardly in women's eyes. 9) When you give a woman your number this confirms weakness and cowardliness. 10) ...and for that reason alone, you're not likely to hear from this girl. Now, your next question is: "how do I fix this?" My answer: "You can't." How are you ever going to prove to this girl what you've been screaming at her all this time (weakness/cowardliness). You have to work entirely from a point of powerlessness. If you contact her again via Facebook, the very best you can do is say, "Well, can we get together now? Pretty please?????" Begging is never a good way to come off as masculine and powerful. What you should have done was to approach her when you had the chance. All of this would have been solved if you'd have just done that first. If she tried to pull that pre-test about you giving her your digits, you should have said, "Ok, no thanks. I'm only interested in girls that don't need to play that game. Obviously, if you can't give someone your phone number, you're never going to be dating anyway and I'm only interested in women that are serious and mature about these things." If you had done that, she's have shoved her number in your hand so fast it'd make your head spin! Best regards... Is Dating Culture Creating Murderers? In the Pittsburg, PA suburb of Bridgeville; a man, frustrated by his own lack of dating and relationship success decided to take his frustration out on an all-female dance-aerobics class. “Women just don’t like me”, he wrote in a chilling on-line diary posting. To say that the gunman had a lot of hatred built up inside of him is an understatement. The interesting part of this however, is that I see this same frustration every single day from both the men and women that write to me. Within moments of walking into that class, 3 women and the gunman lay dead and 9 others sustained injury. What is it about our current dating culture that breeds this level of anger, frustration and hatred? Why does a man whom you’d otherwise never guess had any problems with women go on a rampage and murder the very people of his desire? I didn’t have to think very long on this to find the answer. We have an entire dating culture that is breeding this very reaction. I get to see this from the inside because of the more than 30,000 letters I’ve answered from my readers and viewers in just the past few years. The shift I see happening is both amazing and terrifying. I’m seeing an entire generation of men that are more confused and lacking in basic relationship skills in just the past 5 years than in any of the years before them. That’s not to say however that men are the only ones frustrated! In fact, I hear constant laments from lonely, frustrated women every day too: “Why can’t I meet any good men?” “All the good men are either gay or taken.” “Men don’t seem to know how to be men any longer.” And, worst of all – they’re right. There was a time when men had real roll models and examples of how to be men. They knew their place in relationships and specifically, their roll with women. It’s getting rarer to find these men today and how can anyone be surprised? If you look at just about any segment of popular culture, the examples of strong masculine figures are just as rare. This isn’t to blame media exclusively for this however. We consumers are helping to promote this. We on one hand, discount the value of male influence in society while on the other consume the constant barrage of negative stereotypes. We laugh at Justin Timberlake’s obvious pain of being thrown, crotch-first, into a street poll and grin at the bumbling fool that can’t help his daughter with her homework (while mother looks on with frustrated bemusement). We support every aspect of “women empowerment” and degrade the idea of “male empowerment” as sexist. When it comes to the dating world, I’m constantly amazed at the same mistaken beliefs and techniques being used by men in order to try to be successful. I stand equally confused by the ineffective games I see women playing in the dating world that simply damage their chances at finding this happiness too. Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of this however is that so-called “experts” are actually counseling these women on doing these things or men on “just playing the game”. We are complicated emotional creatures with equally-complicated mating rituals. In fact, those rituals change from community to community, but in fact there are rules and by following those rules, we can meet with the successes we all hope to achieve. But, what if we don’t know the rules? What if the rules change and there’s no source to learn them? This is exactly what happened to the gunman in this story. He spent the last 19 years of his 48-year life living with his own frustration and eventually snapped. The result was 4 dead and 9 injured people – all of whom shared the same desire in their lives to have happy, healthy relationships. I am seeing a flood of letters from frustrated men and women today (yes, some of them directed toward me) about this very issue. “Why does it have to be this complicated?” “What’s wrong with me?” and “I’m ready to give up” are common themes. These people aren’t bad people at all, they simply lack tools or have been misguided right into their frustrations by well-meaning but equally misguided “help”. By leveling the playing field; that is, getting dating, sex and relationship information into the hands of both men and women; by reducing the frustration and need for the games, giving people new, more healthy and successful opportunities to reach their own dating and relationship goals and by empowering people to seek out this knowledge – and find it, we might help to prevent this very event from reoccurring and save the life of your own girlfriend, boyfriend, child, parent, sibling or spouse. Best regards… In Love with a One-Night-Stand Man Dr. Neder: I met a man through the oddest of ways - a mis-sent text message! It went to the wrong phone number and somehow we started to text each other, exchanged photos of ourselves and started to flirt. He is an older man with a really sexy voice and is a successful business owner. We finally we decided to meet up. What happens next, is the craziest thing I have ever done in my life, it was my first time ever! He called me on a Thursday and asked if I wanted to meet him for coffee after his dinner with a client, if it was early enough. If not then we could just meet on that Saturday as originally planned. I agreed but I didn't hear anything from him until almost 11:00, so I thought he probably wouldn't call because it's too late. Just when I was about to go to bed, he called and apologized for calling so late. He asked me if I want to come over to his place and I agreed because I really wanted to see him in person. By the time I got to his house it was 12:30am. The door was unlocked so I just went upstairs to his bedroom. He was surprised that I actually showed up at his place this late by myself. We talked a little and I think you can guess what happened after that. He was really good in bed! I was lying in his arms and for the first time in my life I felt so safe and happy. Really I know it's not normal but I felt like he is the ONE that I've been looking for. The next morning we had to wake up early to go to work. On my way home I was sad because I knew I shouldn't have done this but I couldn't help it. That's when the insecurities started to take over. I became scared that I wouldn't hear from him again so I text him to say that I had a wonderful time and thanked him. I started to worry more and more. I got this weird feeling that since we met that first night that the Saturday plan wouldn't happen. I really wanted to see him and I started to like him more and more. He texted me saying "hey, we saw each other Thursday instead of Saturday so I made plans with my buddy and his girlfriend. I feel bad, I'm sorry :-(". I replied "I kinda got the feeling that you would plan something else. Anyway, have a good weekend. I just wanted to sleep with you. That's all." He replied "Whoa, I'm a piece of meat? :-( ". I responded "or were you expecting me to fall in love with you? I actually did for about 5 hrs - best 5hrs I've had in years. And I was kidding about the 'just wanted to sleep with you' part". I didn't hear from him again - I probably scared him away or he thought I was annoying and childish and stupid and crazy.... But that's so not me! I wanted to be calm and I wish I could be. It seems like I screwed everything up but now I want to fix it. I really like him. At this point, I really don't know what else to do. I don't want to keep sending him text messages or call him anymore, but if I don't I might never get a chance to see him again. I'm asking for help. I know most people would say "come on, wake up! He's just not interested in you. Get it over with and move on..." but I don't want to. Even if there's only a slice of hope I want to try to fix things until there's nothing else I can do. Please help me! Hello! Holy shit! Why in THE HELL would you actually try to create what you didn't want to have happen with him???? What in the hell were you thinking??? You wanted to have something more than a one-nighter with him so you actually cancel a date with him, tell him that all you wanted was sex and now you're wondering why he doesn't call you??? I don't know whether to be shocked or disgusted. I'm not talking about the sex at all here. I think that was a bold, incredible - and even smart move! You didn't do it for the smart reasons, but you got the net-effect benefit of them anyway - and then you threw it all away. Going over to have sex with him actually connected you and him very deeply. Because of your own fears you destroyed all of the benefit you created however! That's just really, really dumb. Please stop just reacting here and start being strategic, will you? You absolutely, positively have to call him! He's not going to contact you after that little act. The other choice is to just walk away feeling insecure and be sad that you did this. Either way I guess you'll have learned a valuable lesson; no, not about the first-date sex, but about killing off your own chances with someone you really liked. Sheesh! Here's what I want you to do: I want you to call him - do NOT text him! Texting is like passing notes when you were a kid in school. It's cowardly and worse, you miss a lot of important nuances in meaning. It's easy to misconstrue your (or someone else's) messages so please just stop doing this. When you call him just act normal and say, "Hey! I missed you and our date on Saturday. Sorry about canceling, but I want to make it up to you. Are you available next Saturday? I'm going to take you out." You're going to have to be direct and bold here. This is your chance to start to fix the damage you've created. Pick him up at his place, take him out to do something fun (your first date) and then take him home and bang him stupid. As well, sometime during the conversation or the date itself just mention that you're sorry for what you texted him about only wanting sex. Just brush it off as some "girl-brain-fart" or something. Don't make it a big deal, but let him know that wasn't your intention at all - you really want to see where this can go. Then, MAKE it go. Best regards... How Much Should You Share With Your Date? Hey Doc! I've been dating off and on since my divorce a few years ago. I generally am completely open with my dates, and willingly share information about my life history. I've just met a gal who is a Psychologist. She has challenged my practice, saying that there are some things that are better not to share with your dates. For example, she doesn't want to know about sexual relations I had with my last partner, and has been unwilling to disclose much about her own recent sexual history. Her stated concern is that I might judge her if I don't like something she's done in the past, or vice versa. I am curious, is there a general position that psychologists or psychiatrists take on sharing one's life history with people you are dating? Hello! I couldn't agree more - with her. This belief you have in being totally open and honest; while a lofty goal isn't healthy or practical; let alone possible. There is a general belief that being totally open and honest is somehow the cornerstone of a good relationship. That's just not the case. This is an attempt by those with great fear of being lied to and a lack of belief and trust in themselves to deal with other's lies, to off-load their own responsibilities onto someone else and to make that person responsible for their personal mental health. I'm not advocating the opposite here, but trying to be totally open and honest may feel good on the surface but is not otherwise healthy. Here's the reality: everybody, but everybody lies. That's just the way it is. Lying is such a part of the human experience it's built right into our communication systems. In fact, it's impossible not to lie! Likewise, it's impossible to be totally open and honest too. Trying to hold someone else to a standard of not lying isn't reasonable when we, ourselves can't even meet it. You're taking that mistaken belief to an extreme by "outing yourself" on things that your dates really don't need or even want to know! George, nobody buys a novel only to turn to the last page to find out who "did it", and then puts it on the shelf, satisfied. Another part of the human experience is the joy of discovering who our partners (and dates) are. This happens over time as we gather information and build a picture - and sometimes that picture gets changed in both subtle and some not-so-subtle ways. This unfolding of reality helps us to "discover" the other person and frankly, is more than half the fun. You're trying to unload every truth up front as though your dates will somehow benefit from the knowledge. They won't, and frankly, that just puts far too much pressure on them anyway. In fact, this psychologist is spot-on. Don't feel that you need to unload (more like "vomit") any part of your life all over someone as though that's "healthy" and will build a solid relationship - it's not, and it won't. Not even if lying was what caused your divorce. Best regards... Doc: I have been seeing this woman on and off for over 1 year, we have only been seeing each other seriously since the beginning of May. We have had difficulties with trust from both ends in the past, but things have improved dramatically over the past few months. 99% of the time I trust her completely and I know that despite the difficulties we have had, things are improving and continue to grow. However, a there are a small percentage of the times where I have doubt. This manifests itself in behaviors such as questioning whether or not she is telling me the truth. For example, today, I attempted to login to her cell phone account. I didn't login, but immediately felt like shit for doing this. I called her to tell her what I had done and apologize. What can I do to keep myself from carrying out these behaviors a small percentage of the time which put our relationship in serious jeopardy. Hello! First of all, if you're going to do something like this don't turn around and confess to it! All that will do is cause even MORE mistrust between you!! Sheesh!!! You're right for feeling like shit. Invasion of privacy is the worst crime that can be committed within a relationship - even worse than cheating! The reasons for this are because of the source of it which I'll get into in a minute. The very first thing I want both of you to do is to go change ALL your passwords - phones, email, everything - and then don't tell the other person. That's going to eliminate the temptation to invade each other's privacy. That will solve one big problem here. The second problem isn't going to be as easy. The issue isn't that you both have trust issues; it's that you have "I don't trust myself" issues. Let me explain: What you don't trust is: 1) Your ability to know or sense when something is really wrong; and, 2) Your ability to deal with the things you find out. Thus, you're both trying to get the OTHER person to make you trust them. That can NEVER happen. You can't give away your responsibilities here to someone else and expect them to live up to them. First of all, it's not their job. Second of all, what if they don't? Then you can blame them without taking any responsibility for it yourself! The reality is that relationships are far more about PERSONAL responsibility than anything else. If you don't have it, your relationship will continue to suffer because of it. Let me give you an example of how this works: When I get involved with someone I'm going to date for a long period of time I tell them this: "You know, I can't be around you 24/7 to watch what you do and frankly, I'd never want to be in that sort of relationship anyway. I'm with you because I believe in you and I hope that's why you're with me. I'm a quality person and I want to be around people that have champagne tastes. If you decide you want to go out for beer, I can't stop you, but instead, I'll have realized that you're not the person I am looking for and I'll go off to find someone else that wants champagne." Do you see the point of this little speech? I take PERSONAL responsibility for my actions - I don't try to lay them off on anyone else. Instead, I let her be responsible for herself too. I believe that I can deal with things even if I don't like them by finding someone else. In fact, I can and so can you! The bottom line is that you need to start working on building up your own trust for yourself and stop worrying about what anyone else does, says or thinks - even your girlfriend. Best regards... My Wife and I have been married for almost 8 years. We have 2 beautiful boys and a girl (7, 4 and 5 y/o.) Lately it has been totally impossible to get her to have "alone time" with me. I have tried talking to her, flirting with her and just doing special romantic things for her but every night ends with the same results: she either watches "women movies" until I am asleep, she is on the phone with her friends, or she just says she is to tired and turns her back to me and goes to sleep. I am starting to think there is someone else that is getting her affection!! Three years ago I caught her e-mailing and even talking to a man more than 20 years older than her, after confronting her about it and telling her if she isn't happy with our relationship I didn't want to hold her back. She convinced me it was just a cry for help and wanted more help with household duties and with the kids which I have done, to the point that she brags to her co-workers about how great of a husband she has! If I am so good then why can't she bring herself to spend some intimate time with me? If it wasn't for our son's I'm afraid I would have already given up, but I love her with all my heart and causes me so much pain not to be close with her! Hey! Some cry for help! First, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's extremely difficult when the rules change. Ultimately, your wife has no particular motivation to change things. It's something like the joke about the guy on his wedding day that is missing only to turn up an hour later with his friends asking what happened. He said, "I just got the best blowjob of my life from my fiancé! This marriage is going to be incredible!" Meanwhile, his fiancé is finally found by her friends and when asked where she was, she said, "It was incredible - I just gave the last blowjob of my life!" I know this isn't a laughing matter, but the point is the same. Frankly, I think there is a high likelihood that she's seeing someone else which is particularly tragic considering your children. If this is so, they are ultimately going to suffer right along with you, but without the emotional tools to deal with things. As you've said, you've been the "model husband" all in an attempt to not only make your wife happy, but to recreate the intimacy you need - all to no avail. I think these indirect innuendos should come to an end. You need to confront her about this, face to face, husband to wife. Here's the reality: she has responsibilities to you and your marriage. Just because she doesn't feel like it isn't good enough. She's also obviously secure in the fact that she doesn't have to give a shit! If she did, she'd never be taking this attitude. If there's an emotional issue, she needs to get it handled by speaking to a counselor. If there's another person in the mix, it needs to be dealt with by you both - if not for you and your marriage - for your children. Ultimately, this will likely break up your family. If there's a physical problem she needs to see a doctor. Here's what you should do: Sit her down when the kids aren't around and say, point-blank that she's not living up to the expectations you had when you married her. Don't mince words here. Consider this: if you were out getting sex from someone else, it would be "cheating" against your promises to her, wouldn't it? So, why are the implied promises of being a good sex partner for you not "cheating" even if she's not seeing someone else? Answer: they are the same. Consider this too: our form of marriage is hundreds of years old and the basis for it began when women were properly of westernized men. There was no ability to "have a headache" that lasted for years. The entire community would rally behind the husband because he'd have never entered into the marriage if sex wasn't part of the bargain. Why should that be any different now? Likewise, she needs to understand that you expect her to get this solved and you'll even help if need be, but if she doesn't, that becomes your ticket to see your sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Meeting your sexual needs is part of the marital agreement whether it's contained within the vows or not. If she can only do that by giving you the freedom to see it outside of the marriage, then you can accept that option if she demands it. Frankly, I hope you get what you want and need from this marriage. It's the requirement of the family's adults to work this out however it'll best suit the needs of the kids. After all, they didn't ask to be born into this. You and she made that decision for them. Best regards... Being Single or Together - At a Distance My boyfriend and I have been dating about a year. We have a good relationship and we're both sure we want to continue moving forward. We live about 700 miles apart and see each other 1-2 times a month. Here's the problem: my boyfriend has been single almost all of his adult life. He's enjoyed the typical bachelor life filled with women, travel, toys and being self centered. Now that we are a couple, he doesn't understand that his priorities need to change somewhat. He still enjoys hanging out with single women - often. He thinks I should be okay with this. I think he doesn't get the best of both worlds. He thinks that both of us should continue to socialize with singles of the other sex, as long as there is no sexual intimacy. I am of the belief that this is no longer appropriate. He needs to understand the guidelines of being in a couple versus being a single man. PLEASE HELP. Hello! Your boyfriend being single most of this life isn't the only problem. By far a worse problem is the distance. Melinda, these Long-Distance Relationships (LDR's) NEVER work out! This is a total and complete waste of your time! Consider this: let's say that he up and decides that he doesn't want to tell you what he's doing, or that he says "I'm not going to hang around single women any more." Are you going to believe him? I sincerely doubt it. Why not? Simple: you can't possibly check up on him! There's no way for you to verify that he's telling you the truth or not - he's 700 miles away! More importantly, he knows this too. Now, just what do you think that's going to do to your relationship? Ultimately, it's not going to end well. The bottom line is that there's really not much you can do about this. If you insist on staying in this dumb LDR (even when there are TONS and TONS of great guys right there in your backyard), then, you're going to have to get comfortable with him dating - and likely sleeping with - other girls. Of course, he's also eventually going to meet someone in his own backyard that he can have a REAL relationship with - including sex - and you'll be out anyway. Melinda, this is a really, really dumb idea from the git-go! If you want to know more about LDR's, go to my website: http://beingaman.tv and click on Videos. From there click on Self Help and watch the video on LDR's. Best regards... Hey Doc: I'm 20 years old and have dated 5 girls. The first left me because I did whatever she wanted for her and was a wuss. The second left me because I said she could only be my girlfriend if she had sex with me and I didn't respect her views. The third left because I made an issue of disrespect. The fourth left because she was a druggy and I seemed like I didn't party enough. The fifth now because we made it right to the point of sex, and then she had her period so we couldn't do it, and she was absolutely beautiful. Because my life is a nightmare, before I saw her the next time things went real wrong and it looks like she lost total interest, so I got stuck at the edge of sex. I'm a virgin who is seriously questioning the motivation of girls. They claim to care about me or be interested and I never get to have them fully. The most recent one is the hardest because she is so gorgeous. I don't know how to set my mind free, I mean it's like my life is designed such that I fuck up in a variety of ways before I have sex. This girl was saying things like "oh my god, I want it so bad", etc. the night she couldn't have sex with me. I mean how can a guy deal with being so close to being with a hot chick, to having it stripped away? Honestly I didn't do anything drastically wrong! She forgot my birthday anyway, so she doesn't really care about me I guess, but it just hurts me inside that I now feel like I'm good enough to date these girls, but when it comes to the final decision of sex its like I'm not good enough. Most recently I've heard the line "once you have sex there's no going back." There's no going back she said! This is life and she's saying that she will regret being with a person such as me despite being physically attracted! I mean I feel like dog shit. What can I do to ease my mind, because it seems like no matter how I act, I get screwed over. Maybe it's because I'm not acting as myself, I don't know. Please help! Hello! You've got a number of problems going on here. First of all, you're giving way too much up front without getting anything you need in return. You (mistakenly) believe that if you just give enough, these girls will feel obligated to you and will finally throw you some pity sex. No, it doesn't work that way. Sex has to be something that is PART of the equation - not the solution to the formula. You invest yourself along the way, but you also expect her to invest herself too. Now, keep in mind that girls want to bang your lights out - all of these girls did - until you didn't make it a priority. In effect, you gave them a "pass" until you felt you had given enough. Stop that crazy shit already!! I have a personal rule that I teach my students: have a "not to exceed" period. For instance, decide right up front how many dates you'll "invest" in a girl until you have sex. My personal rule is only 3 dates! No shit! If we're not getting down by date #3, I move on. (I can already hear the women readers of this board gasping!) Here's the reason: you can't know what her agenda is (and trust me all women have them) and thus, if I try to guess it, I'm left just trying to react to it. That's not good enough for me and it's not good enough for you! You have few enough rights in any relationship, but setting the tone, direction and timing are examples of them. YOU get to decide where your relationship is going and how fast it'll get there. As soon as you take that responsibility/right seriously, women will start reacting positively to it. You also need to understand that women will always throw "LMR" ("Last Minute Resistance") at you with sex. They have to. It's all about the "slut factor" that I won't get into here, but suffice it to say, you're always going to get this. You need to learn how to deal with it. When a woman tells you she wants you - she wants you already! Unless she says flat-out "no", it's not a "no" at all - it's a "yes". Also, you don't need to worry about having sex with a woman during her period. If she's adamant against it, that's one thing, but frankly, few women are. Just put a towel down in the bed and plan a shower afterward, but don't let that be an excuse to stop unless she's completely against it. You need to learn how to "convert". Conversion happens at every major step: you convert from the approach to digits. You convert from digits to dates. You convert from dates to sex and you convert from sex to relationships. There are other conversions even after this too! They key is that you convert when it's your time - not hers. You're waiting way too long! You WANT to get to sex early because (as I've already said) this is HER investment. If you're doing all the giving she never feels involved in the relationship. Don't make sex a big deal, but realize that it's important. Ultimately, you need to get a completely new education about women - and your place in their worlds. You've been using the wrong game plan for all the wrong reasons. No wonder you're not succeeding! I strongly encourage you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and change that education already. Stop being taken advantage of by the very women that want you to know what you should be doing instead! Best regards. Sexless Relationship, Missing Boyfriend Dear Dennis, I met this incredible guy 6 months ago. He and I have much in common; we both work two jobs and I have two small children. Needless to say, our time is limited. We have not had sex yet because, (mostly by his request), we wanted to really get to know each other first instead of confusing our feelings by being sexual too early. While it is not sexual, it is very intimate. When we were able to spend time together, it was wonderful...a movie, a quiet dinner, a day of shopping. We talked every day and we agreed that this was indeed a committed relationship. I ran into a former colleague that used to be interested in me. He asked me for a business card. For a week, I talked to him on the phone but I did tell him that I was involved. He asked was there anyway we could try dating since we were never able to before -- I told him no. The next day, he sent a video saying how he felt. He blew kisses and said that he wanted a chance with me. He also referenced something that we discussed in a previous conversation. My boyfriend saw the video and now he is very angry. He feels that I lied to him because he said that I did not tell him about the brief conversations. He also asked me if the 'former colleague' asked if I was sleeping with my boyfriend. I was honest and told him that I did reveal that out relationship at this point was non-sexual. Now, my boyfriend has not said ten words to me in two weeks. He said that he was angry that I would converse with someone else extensively and also tell private details of our relationship. I asked him if we were over and he said, "just relax". I have called, crying and begging; I've emailed, and text-messaged him. He won't respond. He just says "relax" or "I'm busy" or "I'll talk to you when I am ready", etc. Help! Did I mess up? Am I losing him? Is he overreacting? Are my persistent efforts proving to him how much I love him or are they pushing him away? I want what we had (and the potential of what we were building) -- how can I get him back? Thanks for helping, Hello! You've got a number of problems here - not just with him not speaking to you! Let me start by talking about your non-sexual relationship. This always causes me GREAT concern. So, what do you really have here? A very close friendship - nothing more! Sex is an important part of any HEALTHY relationship. I have deep concerns with the real facts behind being together for 6 months and not being sexual beings. In other words, you and he have just put that part of yourselves aside. While you may hear (or even believe) that "...sex isn't the most important part of a relationship..." it's in the top three! This is a severe issue made even more severe by the fact that HE initiated it! Let me tell you how men think: unlike you (as a woman) who uses sex to create bonding, intimacy and closeness, men use sex initially to determine IF THEY WANT TO create bonding, intimacy and closeness! Do you see what's going on here? He's actually preventing himself from attaching to you by avoiding sex! To say this isn't healthy is just a small part of the reality. You have much bigger problems here than just being horny. Because of the fact that your relationship isn't stable, he has no right to demand (or even to expect) you to not be dating anyone else. He hasn't "given himself" to you emotionally. I don't care what you think is going on, I'm telling you the facts from a man's point of view - and trust me, I talk to men every single day about these things. This isn't just one man's opinion. If he'd written to me instead of you, I'd have given him this advice: "Stop being a pussy and take some friggin' responsibility for yourself and this "relationship"! If you want something with her, then make it happen. Otherwise, get the hell out of the way and let her go find what she wants." Since you've written to me, I suggest you tell him this: "I'm over being punished for this. You need to stand up and be a man and get this worked out. If you can't do that, fine. I'll take that as your blessing to start dating my friend from work - or any other man I choose." "You have every responsibility to be active and involved in this relationship and to get over your own hurt feelings. Nothing happened here except some conversation between old friends. I've brought this out in the open for you to deal with and you've dealt with it poorly. It's time to grow up." This comes down to a issue of respect. Did you treat your relationship with "respect" by turning down your friend? Yes, you did. Did you treat your boyfriend with "respect" by telling him what was going on? Yes, you did. Do you owe something to him beyond what he's willing to give you? No, you do not. As I mentioned before, he's withholding himself from you emotionally. Is he now treating you and your relationship with the "respect" you deserve? I don't think so. That should be the foundation of where you go from here. I also think this is a good time to start re-evaluating your non-sexual relationship. Is this really the relationship you've always dreamed of having? I can't imagine that if so! Either way, let me assure you that he doesn't think this is. No man would put himself into a non-sexual relationship unless he has a good reason. Wanting to "take is slow" with your relationship is NOT a "good reason". Best regards Falling for a (Somewhat)
Older Man A month ago I met an amazing man; handsome, in-shape, caring, respectful, educated, and with a thriving career. I love spending time with him, and get butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about him. My main problem is that he is 9 years older than me. I know this may not seem like much of an age gap, but there are some apparent difference between a 24 year old woman and a man in his 30's. I think he enjoys my youthful spirit, looks, and personality, however, I often get the feeling he views me as a little girl. I understand him. I am the youngest in my family and am used to being babied. However, I am an adult. I hold a Bachelor in Business; have a steady career, and an apartment. I really like this guy. I guess my main question is: "how can I show him that I am mature enough to embark on a steady relationship without sacrificing my age and all that surrounds it?" I have never been on of those crazy 20 year olds who go clubbing all night long and have multiple one night stands. However, I am young and enjoy going dancing and having fun with friends. I have tried to make this clear to him, and as a result have held off on most things sexual. I live in one of the most pretentious cities in the USA where most girls are 'party girls' and I don't want him to think I am "that type" of girl, but I do not want him to think I am a prude either. How can I make this distinction? And when is it acceptable for me to move things to the next level? I have seen him every weekend for the past 4 weeks. Since he is in his 30's, I think he is looking for something a bit more serious. He has mentioned that he wants a big family. I know he wants to settle down within the next couple of years. I would love for me to be the lucky girl. How do I get him to take me seriously? Any advice? Hello! Do you get the feeling that he views you as a little girl because he treats you like this or because of your own insecurities? Here's the reality: by holding off being sexual (in effect, artificially manipulating sex between you), you're proving to him that you're still a child. If you're sexually attracted to him, yet you're holding back because of some dumb belief that he'll see you as loose or promiscuous, you're proving to him the exact thing you don't want him to believe about you. Further, you're insuring that he's going to move on and find someone that knows better. I see this sort of nonsense all the time from women. You carry - and continue to perpetuate - some really dumb and even dangerous beliefs about men! This is a great example of one of them: "If I sleep with him too early, he'll think I'm a slut and won't respect me." I've met extremely few Western men in the last 20 years that actually feel this way. Go on and believe it if you want to, but don't be surprised when this guy goes and finds someone that knows better - not necessarily older, but more emotionally and sexually mature. In effect, you're insulting an entire gender with this ridiculous belief! The vast majority of men see women that are comfortable expressing their sexualities as "sophisticated" and "mature", not party girls or sluts. It's time to update your victorian education to a modern one - and to stop listening to any woman that tells you differently. I've even seen so called "experts" on this board recommend this stupid bullshit! Here's another thing you need to understand about how men are wired: early sex means something different to us than it does to you. Whereas you use sex to build closeness, intimacy and bonding, men use early sex to determine if we WANT TO get close, intimate and bond. We don't make that decision until AFTER we've have our physical selves addressed within the context of dating! Go back and re-read that until it really sinks in because the next thing I'm going to tell you is going to shock you if you really understand that first point. Here's the second, more shocking fact: we have a "shelf life" or a "window of opportunity" built right into us. Here's what that means: During the early part of dating, we're thinking all sorts of things about you (just as you are with us.) We're trying to build a picture of just how you fit in our lives and vice versa. The problem is that if we go too long without including the sexual piece of that puzzle, we'll just give up on you and put the puzzle away - and you along with it. Sure, we'll still sleep with you, but you'll no longer have access to our hearts and emotions. The problem with this is that every guy's "window" stays open for a different length of time - and you can't possibly know how long that is! After a month of dating, you may already be past your guy's window! If he only sees you as a potential bed partner now, you're never going to get what you want with him. In effect, by trying to artificially manipulate sex between you (assuming you want to have sex with him in the first place) you may have just shot yourself in the foot! We have to get past all of this stigma surrounding sex and start to see it as part of the integration process with any healthy relationship. Knowing if you're sexually compatible is a key element to the survival of the relationship and by holding off, you're simply telling him that you're scared, unsophisticated and manipulative - not strategic! Do you understand the difference? More important, here you are trying to build a strong emotional foundation for a future relationship and to create all these complicated emotions in him and then denying him the one thing that would help him to internalize those emotions - sex. Guess what will happen when he meets some other women that knows better and actually sleeps with him? Answer: he's going to take all those emotions and invest them in HER, NOT YOU! No man is going to opt for a sexless relationship, leading to a sexless marriage. All you're doing is proving to him that's what he can expect with you. For an obviously-smart girl, these are some pretty dumb choices in my opinion! Best regards... Dating in Different
Cultures I was wondering through your research if you found a significant difference in people from different cultures when it comes to relationships? As in their values and the way they see how relationships should be. I'm particularly interested in people who have been in North America for a long time and grew up with the culture that their parents/grandparents came here with and any other relevant info would be appreciated. Thanks for your time and expertise! Hello! Actually, what I've found is that people all over the world in different cultures actually have the SAME values, wants, desires, needs - and go about getting them in very similar ways. When I wrote my first book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I wasn't sure how it would translate in different parts of the world. What I discovered was that the principles apply regardless of where the reader lives or is from. We have readers in 72 different countries, and constantly get feedback from them about just how well the principles apply. Honestly, I was rather surprised when I discovered this! I will say however that while the foundations are the same and even the way people are wired are the same, we often use cultural bias as a way to reach our goals and this can differ. One of the best examples I’ve come across is in the letters I receive from India. I suspect this is due to the impact of “Bollywood” however. If you watch movies that come from the Indian entertainment industry, they are very flowery and symbolic. Likewise, many of the letters I’m getting from men and women in this culture take an equally flowery and symbolic approach to love and relationships. This is especially challenging since these people want an equally symbolic way to handle their issues. This, by the way is another important part of the puzzle. Our media have a lot to do with many of our biases; sometimes far more than we want to believe. Best regards... Should I Contact Her
Again? So a week ago I met this girl. She was an old high school friend of a new student in my department that I don't know well yet. Anyway, I had a great time chatting with this girl. We had lived in/traveled to similar places, had similar complaints about the local traffic, and so on. It seemed like we had a lot to talk about. At one point, she complained that she felt there weren't many people our age in the city and she was having trouble meeting them. I somewhat read this as an invitation to ask her out. Anyway, when it looked like the event was breaking, I realized if I didn't get her number fast I may never get a chance to. So I told her, "Hey, I had a lot of fun talking to you. Do you want to hang out sometime?" It was a bit awkward, but she did end up giving me her number. Afterward, I was a bit stunned with the situation. I'm usually much more subtle when I get a girl's number (i.e. we talk about a shared interest and decide we should do something together), so I wasn't used to so overtly asking a girl out. It also sank in that this girl was totally gorgeous and interesting, and I had basically lucked out big time in even getting her number. I called her the next day intending on setting up a date for sometime that week, but I came off really nervous and the conversation was pretty awkward. When I asked her if she wanted to get some coffee or dinner, she said maybe. When I tried to get her to tell me a time that was good for her, she said she was pretty busy because she was going out of town in a couple weeks. The conversation ended shortly after that, and I didn't really feel so great about the situation. The day later, I found her on the Facebook and tried to friend her, but she still hasn't accepted my request. Anyway, it's been about a week since I tried asking her out, and I haven't contacted her since. I thought this girl was really interesting, but maybe I liked her so much it's made me more nervous than I expect myself to be in these situations. Even if she isn't interested in dating me, I would still very much like to be this girl's friend. Should I try contacting her again, or has she given me enough "not interested vibes" that I should just move on and use my energy more productively? If I do contact her again, what would be the best medium (phone/text/e-mail) and how direct should I be about me intentions with her (i.e. still would like to be her friend if she isn't attracted to me)? Thanks! Hello! First off, I suggest you contact her one more time. I'll explain how in a minute, but first I want to talk about your approach and close. You did many things right here. That's important - you had a conversation with her, you determined commonality and even got her to open up about not meeting guys her own age. These are all signs of rapport building. Now, what most guys do is they get this far and they never bother to close. That is, ask for digits, a date, sex, or whatever it is that they want. One important note: closing someone you just meet for digits, dates or sex requires different types of approaches. My point was simply that many guys will go through all of this never to pull the trigger. The first mistake (at least that I can see) was that you ASKED her rather than telling her for the things you want. That is a mistake. You said, "Do you want to hang out sometime?" rather than saying "Let's get together sometime. Here, write down your number on this paper..." The difference is subtle, but oh-so important! Always TELL a woman what you want her to do. Don't ask her. The next mistake you made was trying to hold a date on the phone rather than using simply to SET a date. You want to use the same technique right through the phone call. When you contacted her you only want to to chit-chat for 2-3 minutes maximum. You recount something you talked about during your first meeting (approach) and then get right back to the close - telling her what you want her to do. The reason for this is psychological. Here's an important rule I want you to memorize: women want to date "up". That is, they want to date men that they percieve have more power than they do. What that power is isn't important, as long as they sense it. When you ask someone to do something, you're telling them that they are in control - and giving away your power. Also important is the fact that when you ask, you give her the option of saying "no". She didn't tell you specifically "no", but misdirected you instead with that crap about being "busy". Sure, we're all busy, but she's already told you that her problem wasn't being busy, it's meeting guys. Ok, so here's what you do next: Call her up (NEVER use text or email to set a date!) either today or tomorrow (you don't want to wait too long, or you'll have to wait until she gets back from her trip.) *IF* she answers (which frankly, is unlikely) say, "Hey, it’s me..." and ask her how she's doing. Next say, "I only have a minute. Let's have a drink on Wednesday at 8. I'll pick you up so write it down." (or whenever, wherever) Only plan to take a minute or so on the phone. Not only will this help you get past your nervousness but it'll have her off-balance. Now, she may say no and give you some excuse or try to beg off. You can try one more thing. Just say, "You're the one complaining that you can't meet anyone, and now I see why! Just clear your calendar and let's meet." She may still give you an excuse and if so, just say, "Nice to meet you", hang up and move on. On the other hand, you might actually be able to set up this date. The bottom line is that you need to totally ignore her not-interested vibes and just go for what YOU want. If you're really committed to doing this, it's like panty-grease to women. Trust me. As to being her friend, don't you do it!!! You're just going to shoot yourself in the foot and crack your head against the wall at the same time. Go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video on "friends" under BAM TV. This will explain to you why this is such a bad idea. Best regards... Approaching the Girl I'm trying to approach and meet a girl I see frequently on the way to work in the morning at the train station. What is the best approach and what do I say at first to get her trust and interest? Please let me know what you think. Hello! The "best" approach is one that has context. Context is simply what you and she have in common at that very moment at the place you meet. Obviously, you both take the train and something about that mode of travel might be something you can use for a context approach. Where she gets off, or on the train might be something you can use. The fact that you live in the same or near-by cities can be context for an approach. If all else fails you can even use some cocky humor as an approach. For instance, you might walk up to her and say, "Ok, I see you on this train every day. Are you stalking me or something?" This will get her laughing. The point of the ice breaker isn't to make you sound like a suave, clever guy. In fact, in any approach, you want to take advantage of the fact that women *love* to talk and the vast majority of the (short) conversation should be from her! Trust me on this one: the more she talks, the better a conversationalist you'll come off as! You don't even need context to approach someone. It just helps to make it easier. I once approached a girl I found in a park with this: I walked up to her and said, "Hey, you know what? You kinda remind me of the person that killed my parents." Her eye got really big as she stared and me and said, "Whaaaa???" I then said, "I'm only kidding. Actually, I killed my parents." Then without even blinking an eye I sat down next to her and started a conversation, got her number and started dating her. Remember Al, you're not trying to build trust or interest. In fact, these goals will work against you. You need to believe that you are the greatest guy she's going to meet this year and simply act like it. The interest and trust will come of her own volition. Now, go meet her already and get her digits!!! Best regards... Sexually
Frustrated I am a college sophomore and diabetic and I'm in a relationship with a freshman. I am a virgin but my girlfriend is not. I've told her that I'm not bothered by what happened in her past. We've tried to have sex on two occasions. The first time I was extremely drunk and we both pretty much knew that nothing was going to happen. Our second attempt things just went all to hell. I don't know what the problem is, but I went soft right before I tried to enter her. I'm fine up until I start putting a condom on and then...nothing. It's terribly frustrating because I don't know how to explain it. I masturbate often (not excessively though) and I've never had any problems staying hard, so I have no idea what the issue is. It's really bothering me because my girlfriend feels like it is her fault; that somehow I don't find her sexually attractive and that's why I can't stay hard. That is as far from the truth as possible, and I've told her this but I don't think she truly believes it. What could the problem be? Is it simply nerves because I've never had sex before or might it be a bigger issue like Erectile Dysfunction (“ED”)? I know diabetics can sometimes be prone to getting ED, but I’m only 20 years old so that wouldn't make much sense. I'm extremely frustrated because I want to have sex with this girl, i haven't rushed in making that decision but now I’m utterly unable to accomplish anything. It's horribly embarrassing and this has only happened twice. I don't know what to do. Should i consult my doctor or should I just try harder next time, even though I don't know what else I could possibly do. Hello! No, I don't think you need to talk to a doctor. This isn't ED and it's not that odd or weird either. Ben, here's the reality: this has nothing to do with your sexual attraction for your girlfriend. The real problem is that sex is very complicated. You don't have a natural instinct toward sex like animals do. Humans are complicated emotional creatures and there are tons of things that go into human sexual response whether you're a man or a woman. In effect, you have to LEARN how to be sexual with someone else. You see, all this time you've been practicing being sexual by yourself. Your mind has learned that's how sex works; and by the way, this is also perfectly natural. At the same time, you've spent your entire life practicing being non-sexual around others. This is because it's not socially acceptable to go over and hump every chick that strikes your interests. Your body is merely responding to years upon years of conditioning. Once you start practicing being sexual with your girlfriend, your body will learn this and react appropriately. Trust me, it WILL do this! Don't fret about it - it's all completely normal and you're going to be fine. What I suggest is that you and she take an entire afternoon and evening the next time you have sex. You have to plan this however - sex isn't spontaneous when you're first starting out. Let things build up over time. Eat a meal in bed and make it a game. Feed each other; eat food off of each other’s bodies, etc. Have fun! I'd also suggest you abstain from masturbating for a week before this. Trust me; if you can stand the tension of that afternoon and evening, you're going to be ready without hesitation by the time the condom goes on. Once you relearn how to be a sexual person with someone else, you'll find that sex becomes spontaneous and that your reactions are natural - and you'll stay hard without any trouble at all. Best regards... I was really hoping to find a female in this category to get their input, but it seems to me that the more attractive women (ridiculously gorgeous) will always treat the guy they are dating like crap. My friend claims always to have that problem and feels the need to dump them. What do you think? It can't be as simple as that these women can pretty much get what they want so they always push their luck? Hello! I know exactly what you're saying here. Yes, it SEEMS like that to us guys because we're looking at it from our own perspectives - our own needs. Consider this: if you tried to pull some of this crap with your buddies; what would happen? They'd start by questioning your manhood and eventually just dump you as a friend. That's because it's not only unreasonable, it's rude. However, we guys tend to put up with it from beautiful women! That's a tragic mistake however. Men and women bring different assets to the table. It's not exactly "fair", but it is the reality of life. Women bring their looks (and if you're smart) their skills. Frankly, very few guys worry about the latter and focus on the former. Men on the other hand bring their power which translates outwardly in many different ways - the way our friends treat us, our earning power, our "prestige" and many other ways. What's particularly unfair about this is that as you get older, your power-base continues to grow. With women, their attributes fade over time. A "10" in her 20's will drop to a "5" or a "6" in her 40's. She knows that and has to work quickly to hook a guy that is a "10" in her eyes as early as possible. That's not my rule by the way - it was here when I arrived! It's also one of the main reasons that younger women are fascinated with older men! Here's why beautiful women act this way: they're giving you what I call the "Pre-Test". It's a chance for them to see if your power-level is above, at, or below theirs. Since beautiful women have a much higher asset-value than their less-attractive girlfriends, they want you to bring a much higher power-base with you. All of these challenges are about proving that's who you are. Here's an interesting aside to this discussion: many less-attractive women mistakenly think that by challenging you in similar ways, they will appear more attractive! Women even talk about how "men want a challenge". They are totally wrong however. If their looks don't match their challenges, we'll just dump them entirely and move on as being too much maintenance - which they are. Thus, it's imperative that you establish that power-base immediately from the moment you approach a woman. There are many ways to do this from using a cocky-funny type approach to neg-hits (like "Hey, those are nice shoes, my grandmother has a pair just like them!") to an aire of disinterest. You also need to call on these tools as the relationship matures because she's going to Test you far more often - and for far longer than a less-attractive woman. You know that women go for "jerks" right? This is one of the most important reasons why they do so! An apparent jerk seems to move in his own direction at his own speed. This signals power. Likewise, women (not men!) want a challenge, and the challenge of taming the "bad boy" is just too irresistable! All women will give all men they are interested THE Test. This is a big, emotional - and artificial - situation created early-on in the relationship (usually within a month, but no more than two) that is designed to specifically and clearly establish the power-base within the relationship. Most guys; being the problem-solvers that we are, will try to deal with the issue of The Test - not handle it as a Test. This means we've failed - and lost our power-base to boot. The wise dude will always deal directly and specifically with The Test as a Test instead; thus, firmly establishing a greater power relationship with the woman. This is somewhat complicated at first to grasp, and I've only scratched the scratch of this important topic. I encourage you to read my books "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" for complete understanding of The Test, the Mini-Test and the Pre-Test. The bottom line is this: don't fault beauties for using these tools. Women have evolved over the millennia to have these (and frankly, many more) tools to establish their own places in relationships. Instead, learn them and more important; learn how to deal with them, and you'll have some incredible, beautiful women that fall in love with you all the time. That's what these women really want. If you can pass their Tests easily, they feel safe, secure and will give you just as much love and respect as women of lesser looks. Best regards... Dealing with
Rejection What is the best way to deal with rejection (in all forms and scales) when interacting with women? I think if anyone (male or female) can master this one area they would be able to attract much more meaningful relationships into their lives. I see the reaction to rejection as the best window of insight of a person's true self. If you could give me some light in the area of dealing with rejection from women I would be most enlightened :) Hello! In any battle, I always recommend that you begin with superior firepower. If she brings a slingshot, bring a sword. If she brings a handgun, bring a shotgun. If she brings an Uzi, have a Sherman tank at the ready. Landmind? Cruise-missle. First of all, what exactly do you mean by "rejection". Here's the reality: women will rarely out-right reject you! In fact, women are far, far more likely to redirect you instead. Men too by the way. "Let's just be friends" or "I don't see you that way" or not answering the phone are examples of this. Very few women are just going to say "No, I'm not interested." In fact, I wish that weren't the case. It'd be so much easier if women WOULD just plain reject you! On the flip side, there is so much you can to do NOT get any form of rejection anyway. Consider that your approach is everything. From getting digits to setting the first date to converting to sex and relationships, every aspect of this game has rules and you can use to move things forward. Interestingly, women respond very well to these things too. I've seen guys that would otherwise never get the time of day start long-term relationships with girls you'd consider out of their leagues and so have you. I agee with you on this: if anyone could get over their fear of rejection they'd never have to worry about it and would start getting out there and meeting great partners. Most guys (and even girls!) actually fill their minds with this useless belief and it stiffles them from actually meeting someone. With many people, this is where I have to start - fixing their mistaken belief that people will actually reject them. That's not always easy to do for some people because they've built it up into something that they actually believe they've "earned". No shit! It's very difficult to get some guys to understand that no, they didn't earn it, they've simply manifested it through their own minds, seeing and believing something that just wasn't true. Here's a great little trick I teach my students to get past this fear. It's call the "20 no's". I give my fearful students the task of going out over the next 2 weeks and actually meeting enough women to get 20 no's from them. Some of them actually laugh and say, "Well, that's not going to take me 2 weeks!" Then, they come back as changed men. Here's why: as special as you are Jim - or any guy is - you're not so special as to fail every single time! Thus, even if you totally blow it, you're still going to walk away with 5-7 phone numbers! Now, what do you think is going to happen to your self-image if you have 5 phone numbers you need to call back next weekend for your first date? Best regards... Compromise to Get Him
Back or Bolt? I've been dating a guy for 6 months. We were inseparable we spend loads of time together. We get along fantastic our families love each other. There is one big problem. I had to move back to the town I'm from which is where he lives. I noticed that he didn't want me in his home when he isn't home. He stated that he trusted me just not used to being in a relationship seriously with someone. Says I'm his first real relationship and he doesn't want anyone snooping through his things. (an insult at best) So when I stay over and he leaves 5 or 6 am sometimes on the weekends I have to get up and leave. I needed to stay with him for a week before my apartment was ready and I had to wait for him to come home from work before I got indoors. Some nights I was in school so it was ok, but as you should know it took a toll on me. I finally moved into my own place. The last straw was when I spent the night over he didn't have to work but woke me up in the cold and rain to take him to the Laundromat. He knows he can drive my car to do something like that but he wanted me to come because of his issues. I have let this man use my car to visit his sick mom in the hospital but had to stop because of his unfairness. I feel bad but my car has nothing to do with him seeing his mom. Anyway once I took him to the Laundromat I got so pissed at him (add the cold rain and me looking a mess early in the morning) that I left. Then I thought about it and went back to get him. He was upset and said someone else was going to pick him up. I met him at the house and asked for my things, but he ignored me. The next week I told him I just wanted my spare remote car key. He stated "I don't understand you I've been working hard to give you a good x-mas and you do this!" I know its true because he always buys me gifts and already started x-mas shopping for me. I responded that I love the gifts but my dignity and self respect means more to me. He said he'd give it to me on 12/09 his next day off. On Monday 12/8 I got a text from him saying that he can't give me the key on the 9th it has to be the 14 because he has to work, which is crap because we're together all the time work or no work. I suggested the mail once but I just let it go and told him whenever he's ready is fine. I feel so deeply for him but I feel undignified when made to leave his house it is such a big inconvenience for me. I don't need a key and full access. I respect his privacy but I have to respect myself. I'm prepared to break up but I don't want to. Hello! I know exactly why he's doing this. There are a few so-called "experts" that recommend this very specific thing. He's been listening to their "advice" and doesn't realize that for them, it's about entertainment - NOT practical life coaching. These entertainers (and one in particular) use this shtick to address their target markets and do so extremely well, I might add. The problem is that it's just that: shtick. Many guys don't get that and actually buy into it 110%. I have to chuckle a little about this however. No offense, but let's be absolutely realistic here: over time, if you absolutely knew that you wouldn't be caught and especially considering your current insecurities (probably somewhat reasonable, I might add), wouldn't you snoop a little? Of course you would. Every woman would; so at least on that front, he's right. My bigger concern is with his need for absolutely privacy - and his unreasonable demands to get it. Here's what you need to do: Sit him down and have a talk about this. Explain to him that in order for your relationship to grow (rather than decline) he's going to have to get over this fear. Yes, you understand it and you're not going to discuss whether it's reasonable or not; simply that normal, healthy couples don't have these sorts of issues between them. You want to have a normal, healthy, mature relationship and none of these expectations on his part are any of that. What that ultimately translates to is that if you and he can't come to an understanding about this, you're going to have to find someone else that wants the same things you do. Remember: you're not his counselor, you're his girlfriend. You're not here to make up for his past insecurities or whether his mommy hugged him too little or too much. He's an adult now and has to deal with adult things if he wants an adult life. You can't make him do this, but he needs to open his eyes about it and realize what he loses - and will continue to lose - if he doesn't get this problem handled. If he can't do that, you're going to need to reconsider what you want and if you can get it through this relationship. If you might even show him this letter from an unbiased (huh?) third party if you think it'll open his eyes a little wider. Best regards… Hi, I first met this guy through mutual friends about 2 months ago. The second time we all hung out during 4th of July in which case, he instantly showed me interest and invited me to another party. We flirted heavily and had a good time until 4 am. When we parted he invited me to hang out with him the next night however I declined because I didn't want to make myself too available and I didn't offer my number. After a week I couldn't stop thinking about him so I got his number from a mutual friend and asked him out. He didn't answer so I left a message and he text me back the next morning saying he's busy with work functions but maybe we can hang out this weekend, that he would call me. He never called me. I then ran into him a couple weeks later, he was very friendly and invited me to hang out with him and our friends who were having a brunch cocktail party on a Sat. Again, I didn't want to make myself too available so I left it at a maybe. I showed up, we flirted, made eye contact and after a couple drinks we were dancing and all over each other. We then parted from our social circle and he took me out to dinner. During dinner I made a false comment that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship and I just wanted to be casual and free. Afterwards he invited me to come back to his place, which case I did and we were intimate. The next morning, it wasn't too awkward however when we parted I was really nervous I just said a good bye with a hug and he just said I'll talk to you later. He never called me afterwards. I text him 4 days later that I had a great time and it would be nice to see him again soon and asked him what his plans were that weekend. He text me right back and said he had fun too, but he had a friend visiting from out of town and he would call me soon for sure. I ran into him that weekend and he did indeed have a visitor and he acted pretty normal but neither of us said anything about getting together. He still hasn't called me now. This whole time he has not called me on his own, although he responds right away when I contact him but doesn't set a date. Maybe he's not that into me or he's not emotionally available? He told me he has been single for 2 years from a serious 3 1/2 year relationship with a bad breakup. There's been some miscommunication between us, but for the most part if a guy is interested he would make the effort to call and set a date with a girl right? Should I just drop it and let it go? Hello! Hey! Great job on becoming the booty-call! If that was your goal, you played it just right. Good going! Oh, wait. What's that you're saying? You didn't want to be the booty-call, you wanted more? Oh, sorry. That's too bad. Game over. Where in the hell did you learn all this ridiculous misdirection from? Do you honestly think that lying about your interests, saying "no" when you mean "yes", not being available when he wants to meet you is anything other than stupidity? Well, obviously not. You seem to think this is good "relationship building". You, my dear are sadly, sadly mistaken. You're actually blaming HIM for not being "emotionally available" and "not that into you"??? Are you seriously telling me that you don't know that YOU are the sole and exclusive cause of his behavior toward you???? I'm sitting here just shaking my head in disbelief. He DID make the efforts and you ignored them for your game instead. You got EXACTLY what you asked for. I just wish you had asked instead for what you really wanted. Best regards... Going From Non-Sexual
to Sexual Dear Dr. Neder: I'm 33 years old and I was a virgin up until a few weeks ago. I was waiting to meet the right girl, and I finally did. But when I slept with her, I couldn't cum. In fact, I had trouble getting a full erection at all, and then I couldn't keep it the one time I did. My girlfriend is hot, and she even tried oral. It felt great for a while, but then I started getting a little bored when she stopped licking the tip. I was getting sick that weekend, but this has happened to us before. My girlfriend says its okay, but I know she's really disappointed, and I think she might dump me. Help, what do I do?! Hello! Actually, I'm not surprised by this difficulty at all. Here's the problem: you've spend the first 31 years of your life NOT being sexual with girls until now, you finally have to perform. I've seen this happen many times and I'm afraid it's a terrible mistake! Waiting around for the right girl simple programs your mind to not be the otherwise sexual person you were born to be and now you have to un-program your mind and you're going to have to do it quickly! She's not going to wait around for another 31 years while you reverse this ridiculous education you've created for yourself. I'm gong to help you here, but I'm not done lecturing you yet... ;) People have all sorts of crazy (frankly, stupid) reasons for doing these things: religion, emotionality, feminine bias, lack of opportunity created, etc., etc. The problem is that they all deny the foundational wiring built right into each of us. Now, because of whatever reasoning you used, your partner is suffering. That's a very poor choice and as a first step to getting this solved, you need to change your way of thinking about all of this. As another problem, you claim you found the "right one". Of course, you've never been with someone like her before and thus, you don't even know if this is true! You can only hope - not know. That puts one hell of a lot of pressure on you to perform! You don't just flip a switch and become a sexual person - you practice it your entire life. What have you been practicing??? Yet another problem: your sexual experience has been with the palm of your hand, not something so soft as your lover's mouth or pussy. Yet MORE practice of the wrong ilk! So, you see, with all of this combined, you have a lot to unlearn here. Let's start with this: NO MORE masturbation for awhile. You need to let that sexual tension build up in you so that your partner has something to work with. Once you get this solved, you can go back to jerking off if you want to, but give it some time. Second, you're going to have to work on building your own personal sexuality (something you've avoided now for 31 years). You need to teach your mind to sexualize women. (I can hear the gasps from all the way over here!) Yes, that's exactly what I mean - you need to start seeing your partner as a sexual object - a sexual person. You subconscious mind doesn't equate her with sex because you're putting far too much onus on her as the "perfect woman". Unfortunately, she's really not and you've got to see that. She's just a woman like any other. She may have attributes you prefer but that's a very different thing from being "perfect". As you begin to make headway into this new path for yourself, you're going to find that you also start growing your sexuality and thus, your response to your partner. Frankly, you have a lot of work to do here but these difficulties are entirely self-inflicted. It's time to un-self-inflict them and come the healthy, sexual person you were born to be. You deserve this, but even more your partner deserves this. Best regards... Dear Dr. Neder: I am 22 and the guy I am writing about is 35. The age difference doesn't bother me at all but the fact he treats me like a princess does. I have always been attracted to the bad boy type so really I am not sure why I was even attracted to this guy. He is an amazing guy but there is something wrong with me I think. He takes me out anywhere I want, buys me what I want, takes me to get my nails done, waits on my hand and foot, will pretty much do whatever I say. To be honest with you I don't treat him well at all and I told him straight out I was not his girlfriend but rather just a friend and I say no to him when he tries to do things for me but he doesn't take no for an answer. He always wants to take me out and I say to him that I do not want to lead him on and he says to me he doesn't care he just wants to be with me. I told him I wasn't the type to use someone but he just doesn't care I guess. He says he likes the looks other guys give him and the comments guys say to him when we are together but it's starting to creep me out. I don't kiss him nor have ever done anything! Is this guy a freak or what? What the heck should I do?!?!? He is starting to annoy me! Hello! Yes, I fully understand what you're going through. Do you have any idea how many letters I get A DAY from women in your exact same position? Trust me, it's a ton. The unfortunate reality is that so many men never learned how to be men. They actually believe that by catering to your ever whim, being sensitive to your every wish and giving of themselves in every way possible that you'll fall in love with them. What he doesn't understand is that this will never happen. Instead, you simply lose respect for him, feel insecure around him and will never feel love for him at all. This is a problem I deal with every single week on my show. It's a damn tragedy because if he learned how to be a real man around you, he might have had a chance. I understand that chance is now gone. The thing he doesn't get is for you to feel love, you first have to feel safe and secure. You'll never feel that with anyone that simply lies down and lets you walk all over him. Maybe you need to give him a copy of this letter, and send him to my website (beingaman.com) for some re-education. Ultimately, this is his own fault, but the reality is that men have almost no roll models any more. They don't know how to act, so they use old, sappy, romantic movies, plays, books, etc., as their guide. These come from a time when men HAD good roll models and combining these emotional elements with powerful masculine energies DID work. Those times are gone however. Add to this that so many men are growing up today without fathers (or father figures) and you begin to see that the cause isn't their fault. However, staying that way IS their fault. As to what you should do, you need to get rid of
this guy. He's not helping you or your self image
one bit. In fact, he's hurting you. He's not going
to be able to just flip a switch and turn on the
masculinity that you need - that's going to take a
long process of unlearning what he thinks he knows
now and relearning what he needs to know. End this.
Set him free so he can learn what he needs and you
can go find someone that already knows these things
for yourself. Best regards... Dear Dennis, Five years ago, I hired this bright, good looking employee. She delivered her results well, and soon moved to an assistant manager position through department assessments. All through, I heard of her 'negativity' and 'attitude', from female managers, and felt this may be female rivalry over her quick ascent and no help she's getting. I held a one-on-one session with her to provide her the feedback and suggest corrective action she could take. She assured me of actions, and also thanked me for the constructive criticism and support. A few months later, I left that company and moved. That's when it started - calls seeking professional guidance and help, then courtesy calls etc, since she claimed the managers in office were after her job, and asked if I could hire her. Long and short of it was, I hired her into my new company, even though I was cautioned about her attitude by the HR manager. Regardless, she was soon moving up, though now she started some controlling behavior with me - at times contradicting me etc. I did not really care much, because I'm as it is quite a dry, tough manager and I found her ability to tell me honestly why she doesn't agree with me helpful. We work well together, however our relationship is now much worse - she says she loves me, and treats me in blow hot-blow cold ways. A few months ago, at an office party, she asked me to drop her home, and on the way, we had wonderful sex at her initiative. After a few months of glorious adolescent sex, we both mutually agreed to hold off on sex. Her behavior towards me became even worse while she continued to excel on all work requirements. She became quite autocratic, even snapping at me a few times in public. People started talking, and so I left that company too, and moved to another city. However, the relationship (??) continued - she calls constantly and says I'm the one she loves, though she is sleeping with a guy who was her live-in partner earlier, and is now back. She says she doesn't want him, but me, and at times blows up at me and soon after calls me with apologies and says she is inordinately stressed out. I looked inside myself, and realized I do love her, but her dismissive treatment to me, made me wonder if this is just a fantasy, and if it had any chances of working out. To settle my discomfort, and to help her with her career potential, I flew down to meet and talk to her, and set the focus right. However, she avoided meeting me on the 3 days I was there, claiming she was caught up in work. After I left, she called me late at night, to apologize and restated that she loved me. Not only that, she insists on 'helping' me by giving my number to headhunters. This is driving me nuts - I genuinely care about her professional and personal development and for the loyalty she's shown me. However, a mentoring relationship has tuned sour, and I do not want either of us to be harmed. We both are in a negative and destructive pattern, and I need advice and help with this. Is it better for me to break off cruelly and completely? Does she really love me - with all the blow hot, blow cold talk and actions - as I do not have anyone in my life? More importantly, how can I help her in a constructive way, so that both of us can move ahead? Thanks! Hello! Something you probably don't know is that her abusive reactions to you personally and professionally were very likely due to you being a bureaucrat instead of bringing strong, masculine (sexual) energy to your relationship with her. Frankly, this is a pretty common reaction. It takes a number of forms such as the one you're experiencing, nagging, constant challenges and a thing I call "The Test", but whatever the result, we can usually track it right back to the lack of masculine energy. The one thing I don't see here is what you want. You've told me all the facts in a rather cold, specific, bureaucratic way, but I don't see you or your wants in here at all. This is also exactly what she's reacting to. You seem willing to run away from the problems rather than confronting them head-on and dealing with them from the point of your own needs. If you want to build something with her show some emotion already! Give her something to work with, but be comfortable directing whatever that is. You don't have to run your relationship like a department. You can craft it to fit exactly what you want by giving her what she needs. That masculine energy I spoke of early is exactly this! First, you decide exactly what you want and then you tell her so. This is your right - and position - as the male in the relationship. Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment? If not, go look them up. The subtle difference is an important key here. She wants you to structure things and "correct" those that don't match your clear, specific goals for your relationship with her. The reason for this is simple: women want to feel love, but in order to feel love they have to first feel safe and secure. Bureaucracy is cold, but leadership is warm and sometimes even fuzzy. On the other hand, if you're goal is simply to solve this problem and move on, you need to lay that on the line instead. Tell her that you're no longer available to her and to stop calling or texting or emailing or whatever. In either case, know specifically what you want and be clear about communicating it. Best regards... Going Too Fast, Going Too
Slow Dear Dr. Neder, What's a good way to enter into a sexual relationship so that you don't go too fast or too slow? Sometimes if the guy goes too fast it can be really threatening to the woman (unless she likes it of course.) Hello! This is an excellent question! The key is to not try to manipulate the relationship to either move too fast OR too slow. You have to let it happen on it's own at its own speed...HOWEVER... You also need to realize that for men; contrary to the way most women work, we need to get past the physical in order to get to the emotional elements. Until that happens, we never get there! If that doesn't happen within our "window of opportunity" it'll close and you'll NEVER have access to our emotional sides. Women want the emotional connection first however, so we guys have evolved all sorts of systems in order to make you think we're on the same page with you when in fact, we're not. The answer then is for women to evolve too. You need to work on growing your sexuality so that you are able to manage the balance between the physical and emotional better. In fact, women control sex whereas men control the relationship itself. It's an interesting balance if you think about it: women want the relationship controlled by men and men want the sex controlled by women! The biggest problem that I see is women assuming that everyone works the same way you do. Men do not. Thus, you'll often hold off the exact thing you'd need in order to connect with the man you want only to find that he bangs you and leaves! If you work on your sexuality - embracing it and seeing it for the benefit that it is - the timing of it comes more quickly and easily for you. You don't need to try to manipulate the relationship artificially in order to get what you want. You can get what you want and GIVE what you want at the same time. In effect, both people benefit directly! This isn't threatening at all in this case. Best regards… Maybe you'd be surprised at the number of letter I get from women that begin, "I recently met this really cute guy." and end with "How do I get him to ask me out?" And then again, maybe you wouldn't; particularly if you're a woman. It seems that today's man is all but devoid of basic manly knowledge; how to approach women, how to build rapport and connection, how to get digits, dates and sex, how to build and manage relationships, and in general, how to be a man. Women are all too aware of this fact too! They constantly ask me why men just become their friends and while seeming to be interested in more, do nothing to make something happen. In fact, there's an easy answer to this: I call it the "Seth Rogan factor". It's unfortunate, but the only roll models modern men seem to have are the man-children of the movies and TV. These guys are bumblers, fools, jackasses, cheaters, stalkers, dolts and children. Some roll models! "But really, Dr. Neder, are you saying that has any affect on men?" You bet I am! I'm seeing it every single day from the tons of letters I get from readers of my books and articles and viewers of my show, BAM! TV. What I'm seeing most are men that simply don't know how to approach women, build or deal with relationships, handle conflicts, etc. If they approach they don't know how to ask for what they want. If they ask, they don't know how to move things forward. If the woman hangs around waiting, the guy eventually just stops everything because he doesn't know what the next step should be. But, far, far more common is the guy that simply does nothing waiting for the woman to do all his work for him. This takes many forms. Here are a few examples: "The Friend" This is a little trick where the guy that doesn't understand how women think, tries to befriend her rather than going for what he really wants. He hopes that be cozying up to her, she'll see what a great guy he is, will fall in love with him, do all his work for him and he won't have to take any risks. "The Lost Call" This is where the guy; out of fear, a lack of a plan or simple ignorance, sits on an opportunity until it's too late. He waits weeks and then realizes that she probably forgot about him (and she likely did) and thus, does nothing hoping for another opportunity in the future. "The Hang-Out" This is similar to "The Friend" above. He's too afraid of rejection to actually ask for what he wants (a real date), so he invites her to "hang out" instead. This is low-risk since it sounds like some friends getting together. In fact, he winds up paying for everything just like a real date, but doesn't move things forward. He waits for her to kiss him (which she doesn't, because she knows it's his job if this is more than just "hanging out") and they both go home frustrated. Most of our fathers grew up with solid, masculine roll models. From characters and politicians to sports heroes, they had models of male behavior to work from - and so did women by the way. It's unfortunate, that the roll models most guys have today look far more like Seth Rogan than John Wayne, and women; even more than men, are suffering because of it. Take a look at so much in popular media today as an example. When you see male characters you hear them talk not as men, but as women! The dialog they get and even the situations presented are feminine in nature. When you sit around talking to guys, you never hear them speak like they do on TV or in the movies! When you look at classic male archetypes like James Bond or even superheroes and compare them between today and 20 years ago, a staggering fact seems to come out: today's male archetype is more bumbler and child that seems to accidently and reluctantly become the winner than the man that decides his direction and goes directly to make it reality. Even sports heroes tend to be the guys that create the most drama - not the ones with the greatest abilities and skills. Are there exceptions to this? Of course, but the exceptions are far outweighed by the status quo. The New Roll Model Can a few movies or TV shows really have this sort of impact on the masculinity of an entire generation? Well, consider this: advertisers know the truth. If repeated viewing of a 30-second commercial can sell you a product, what can repeated viewing of 30- or 60- or 90-minute lifestyles sell you? It's scary when you think about it! If guys are trying to find a model to emulate, where do they go? It's becoming more evident that they have to leave the realm of traditional media and seek these other forms of entertainment. The Internet and wireless tools (like phones) are a few places to do this and you're finding that TV, newspapers, magazines and cinema are losing committed followers because of this new media. That doesn't mean that these are devoid of bad examples however. As these media grow in importance in our culture, more main-stream programming is making its way to them - right along with the negative messages. That means that the entertainment consumer has to be educated to look for these messages, realize what they stand for and to vote with their eyeballs - and dollars - by demanding better masculine roll models. This has to come not just from men however, but from women too! This is a major theme of my own show, "Being a Man" (http://BeingAMan.tv) and is something I harp on in every episode. It's very difficult to fight the flood of bad examples with a few good ones, but it needs to start somewhere. Why? Simple. Don't Women Deserve Better? Every single day I hear from women that are frustrated by the types of men they meet. They honestly believe that great guys are out there, but can't seem to find them. It's not that women help here either - they are consumers of this same entertainment and have a lot to do with programming choices - but the ultimate responsibility lies with us guys. We have to make better choices of our own to be better men. This can start in any of a number of ways including being careful about the programming we choose to absorb, but it doesn't stop there. Finding real roll models and promoting their ideals to other guys is the beginning. Learning solid, responsible masculine behavior is a big part of the mission and every action, every choice, every belief that moves us in that direction makes us better men - for women. Best regards... Hey Dennis! I read one of your replies to a question and thought your response was excellent. Could you please could you help with this one? I was in a relationship with my ex for just over a year, when we first started dating. I was finding it very hard to get her out on dates. She is a very attractive girl, but also has many friends so I may have been only seeing her one night a week for the first 1-2 months. I am a very successful young man with good looks and many people like me, but I was not used to this treatment, any way after about 2 months I ended the relationship, because I felt that we needed to spend more time together. After a couple of weeks we got back together, and she moved into my place, things carried on pretty much how they were but we did get to spend more time together, we did come from totally different situations I was used to long term loving relationships and she was used to being single for years just having fun with her girlfriends. I know at times I probably came across as needy but surely relationships are about spending time together, right? The next six months went ok, but I always felt second best and this just used to grate on me, she was very immature and often played games with me leaving me in no-win situations, I could play the games back but I just didn't want too. About two months ago she went out on a Friday night with her friends, I called her the next morning to see if we could meet up and she said she was hung-over and just wanted to stay in (she was back living at her parents.) I said, "Well it would be nice for you to want to see me at some point over the weekend; maybe I'll see you Monday then." Her reply was, "There you go again - having a go at me!" So I just said "Let's just forget it!" We didn't talk for a week, then I tried to contact her and she wouldn't talk to me on the phone and proceeded to just insult me by text! I held my own telling her how bad and selfish she can be at times. This went on for about 2 weeks I thought I would leave her alone after that and have had no contact for over a month but I do miss her and want her back. What shall I do? Hello! Thanks for your comments on a previous reply! Here's something she's not telling you: she has lost interest, but just isn't mature enough to tell you so. So she's just hiding and trying to insult you trying to make you go away. In effect, she's too much of a coward, and frankly, a self-centered bitch (sorry, it's true) to tell you exactly what she's thinking. First of all, let's consider one question: do you REALLY want her back, or do you just feel that you've lost and you want another chance at winning again. It appears that this girl is manipulative, non-communicative, self-centered and a game-player. You on the other hand seem to be a good guy that is just looking for a good girl. What inside of you would make you want to chance this sort of pain? Just because she's attractive to you means very little. There are TONS of attractive girls out there and in fact, many of them are also great human beings. From your description, this is not something I'd ever say about your ex. Don't you deserve better than her? I think you do. Here's a rule about women: they want to date "up". In other words, they want to believe that they are lucky to be with a particular guy. Your ex obviously doesn't feel lucky at all. She didn't even give you the courtesy of a goodbye as though she didn't owe you anything, and is even blaming you for her own bad behavior. In order to make her want to change her mind (which you already know I think is a mistake), she has to feel some loss. What are the odds of that, do you think? As long as you're chasing her, they are absolutely zero. She knows she can have you whenever she wants, and thus, your "stock" is nothing. Thus, the answer is to get out there and start dating every short skirt you can find. She has to feel that she's lost you or she won't have anything to win back. There is an added benefit for you however: you get to see how women really are by dating other ones. You get to see how they treat someone that they care about and that cares about them. Your ex is not a good example of this at all. What would happen then if you find some terrific woman that fits you in every other category that you adore? Do you think you'll forget about "Ms. It's-all-about-me"??? You bet you will. Who is the "winner" then? Best regards... © 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder Archives 2008,
2007, 2006,
2005, 2004,
2003, 2002,
2001 |
for answers. Check out the discussion group at:
Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty
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