Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love,
dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question?
You can write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
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Why is Having Sex Too
The girls that give sex up front are getting all
the guys, but they don't seem to keep them for
long. Guys view them as a fuck buddy type thing but
not for a real relationship. The women who wait a
bit to give out sex live most of their lives
lonely, but end up marrying the guy at the very
end, but are alone and depressed most of their
Is there any way to strike a balance here?
Where did you get the idea that girls that go
for sex early on don't keep guys? In my experience
and according to my own research, it's the girls
that try to hold out too long that lose guys.
If you're find this is happening to you and your
friends, it's because you're not getting
investments back from your sex partners. You're
doing dumb things like "hanging out" together
rather than dating; and probably doing 1001 other
bad-idea things along the way.
The balance comes in first realizing that sex is
its own benefit as well as a connection between you
and a partner. It's based on that connection (and
notice I didn't say "relationship") that this comes
about. The relationship comes later on, but there
has to be some foundation for having sex if you
want more than just the sex itself.
Is it Just
Clingy or Something Else?
I am 20 and the longest I have been in a
relationship is 10 months, but I have noticed a
pattern in all of the girls I have dated. When I
first meet them, they seem to be head over heels
for me, they seem to love my charm, since of humor
and look and things go okay for about a month or
two. I am what you would call a gentlemen type of
boyfriend. I always pay on dates, open the door for
the girl, see what movie they want to see, so on...
and later in our relation ship I am very
affectionate, telling them I love them when we get
done talking on the phone, and holding there hand
in public, etc.
I start noticing a pattern: the more interest I
show in the girl, the more they start to distance
themselves. I always figured that to show a girl I
am interested in her, I had to pay a lot of
attention to her, but I think that it turns them
off. I think maybe they think I am to "clingy".
My friends say I need to start acting like a
jerk to them.
I just wanted a second opinion on the matter, a
more professional one.
"Clingy" is far too simplistic a concept to
explain all of this. No, it's not that you're
clingy, it's that you're not allowing - or
expecting - these girls to invest in your
relationship. You never give them that chance, so
after 10 months (or so) of this, they begin to
realize this fact and go off to find someone that
Yes, IN A WAY girls like "jerks". The problem
with this concept is that it's a very subtle thing
and frankly, very few guys can pull it off
properly. Trust me on this one: you don't have the
experience nor example to do it.
What you think is being diplomatic actually
comes off as weak and disorganized to women. The
best example I can give you is your own statement
about being a "gentleman boyfriend". Specifically,
"...pay on dates, open the door for the girl, see
what movie they want to see..."
This is the pattern that's killing you. You're
making the girl the focus of the relationship. She
doesn't want to be this - she wants YOU to be
There's a difference between basic courtesy and
over-giving. For instance, you should always open
the door for a woman. Why? Simple: you're bigger
than her (most likely) and many doors are just
heavy to move. You walk out the outside of the curb
- toward the street. Why? Because you're bigger and
easier to see by on-coming traffic.
These forms of courtesy not only let her feel
more like a woman but they have practical reasons
for being as well. This isn't your problem
You need to assert yourself - your desires, your
wants, your plans, etc. - into the relationship
early-on and keep them going. You're not doing
that, I can already tell.
You're asking her what she wants, what she
expects, etc., and then trying to jump through
hoops to give them to her. That's your mistake.
Instead, you need to first decide what you want
(the hardest part for nice guys like you by the
way) and then to not only tell her, but expect her
to comply with it - which she will, happily - in
Women are complicated, wonderful creatures. They
are flexible in ways you and I can only hope to be,
but trust me on this one: they don't want to be the
one that has to decide everything. They'd far
rather follow the plan - if only you can decide
what that is and communicate it to her in her own
Herein lies the problem!
I know I've left you confused by this because
you can't turn to some movie or TV show you've ever
seen to extract an example of this behavior.
Unfortunately, your education about women - what
they want, who that are, etc. - is wrong. Totally
You need to rebuild that education if you ever
want more than 10-month relationships, because
women just aren't here to teach you how to be a
man. They expect you to already know. If you prove
to them you're not one (which you do through your
"program" of being the nice guy) they bolt looking
form someone like me.
[Man! Am I an arrogant jackass or
I strongly recommend you seek out that education
you so badly need. There's no reason why you can't
learn to keep these things going properly and to
even grow them, but YOU have to decide to seek it
out. It doesn't come to you, and trust me, it's not
just floating out there for you to absorb. In fact,
it's rather hidden.
Seek it out and change your life. It's that
Being Too Smart for
Hey Dr. Neder!
I've been reading through some of your answers
and one common piece of advice you give women is to
not play stupid games. Girls do it all the time and
9 times out of 10, it completely screws everything
up for them and she ends up not getting what she
wants out of the relationship. This all makes
complete sense! After all who wants to be involved
with someone that is unpredictable and rude?
That being said, we still feel the need to do it
all the time! Even though I know better, I still
sometimes catch myself not picking up the phone
when guys call, avoiding him, etc., etc. I realize
from everything that you have written, that I'm
just being stupid, but I'm wondering, why in the
world do we do this in the first place?
It doesnt seem particularly logical when
you stand back and think about it, but that doesn't
seem to change the fact that girls do it all the
time. Why do you think that is? Fear?
Thanks for the insight!
What an incredibly great question this is! Thank
you for asking! More important, this is an
incredibly smart question to ask - the answer will
lead you right to where you want to go - happy,
healthy, fulfilling relationships with high-quality
people. Isn't that reward worth just about any
Let's start with this: by playing these "girl
games", you're not being "stupid"; although these
actions lead directly away from what you really
want. In fact, it's like you said - you feel
compelled to play them. I get it. It's very tough
for women to NOT do these things because it's wired
into you. I won't bore you with all the science
behind this, but trust me, it's there.
This is true of guys too - there are many things
that we want to do naturally that work against us.
Becoming the friend first and not being the strong
masculine energy in our relationships are two of
many examples that you know I deal with every day
We have to fight these natural tendencies in
order to have something better - and to be better
partners for the women we love. It's that
realization that makes us want to seek out better
ways - and many guys do.
Likewise, women have to come to the realization
that these games work entirely against your own
goals. It's easy to play them because technology
makes it so. Just because something is easy however
doesn't make it a good choice. Often, the things
that are harder offer greater rewards and this is
certainly an example of that fact!
In reality, both fear and ignorance play big
rolls in why women do these things, but so does
laziness. It's difficult to do all the right things
in relationship. Trust me, my guys know this! You
girls are far less tolerant of these mistakes we
make than we are of yours.
On the flip side however, playing these games
puts you in with guys that will tolerate them
because they usually have no other choice! That's a
huge pool to draw from (a good thing for you women)
but it's full of "also-rans". In other words, the
guys that either don't understand these games or
are simply willing to play them to get what they
want aren't exactly the types of guys that will
make your toes curl if you know what I mean.
"Picky" or "selective" aren't words I'd use to
describe them. "Desperate" and "pussy" are more
If you want a better type of guy, YOU have to
become more worthy of him and the very best place
to start is by demanding of yourself a higher plane
of existence. Don't settle for "common" or
"average" or "like everybody else". Demand of
yourself to NOT play these games and you'll
instantly rise above all your sisters that don't
know the difference or simply don't care to
Which Guys are
What are some signs that a man is "marriage
material" and that a woman should definitely
consider pursuing him seriously?
One of the best signs is to check the ring
finger of his left hand (at least here in the
States); if there's a wedding band there, he's
Unfortunately, your question is based on a false
belief: that there are guys that you can marry and
guys you can't. While that may be true for
individuals; for instance, you and some guy aren't
a good match, in fact, any guy can be marriage
material depending on the girl.
Here's the reality: Marriage (along with being
the wrong focus in the first place) is very
different for men and women. For you as a woman;
marriage means security, love, family, future,
status and many other positive things. That's why
you are (wrongly) focusing on it as your goal.
(By the way: I say "wrongly" because marriage
isn't what you should be focusing on anyway -
marriage is a FORMAT of a relationship - not the
relationship itself. What you really want is a
happy, healthy relationship in whatever format it
takes; but I digress...)
To men however, marriage means loss of freedom,
loss of choice, stress, responsibility, having a
business partner to make all the decisions with,
and many other negative things.
So, here's your key: ANY MAN (and yes, I mean
ANY MAN) is "marriage material" PROVIDED you
discover exactly what he needs in order to give up
his freedom, choice, take on stress and
responsibility, etc.; and then BECOME THAT WOMAN TO
Do you get this? If you become this woman to any
guy, he'll have you standing before a minister so
fast it'll make your head spin.
So, why do so many men seem to avoid marriage?
Obviously for the reasons I've already given you,
but it goes deeper. The real reason is that women
(especially today) are very much "me-focused". They
think "What will *I* get out of this?" Since they
want to be married, they focus exclusively on their
own wants, wishes, dreams, desires, etc., and just
assume that their guys want the same thing.
When they realize this isn't the case, they get
angry - at the guy! They claim they were "led on"
or that the rules changed; when in fact, the guy
simply opened the door for her to try to become
this woman to him. She (selfishly) never bothered
and then was surprised, hurt and angry when he
never pulled the trigger! Frankly, this is just
pure arrogance on the part of the woman!
So, to get back to your question: EVERY GUY is
"marriage material". It depends far, far more on
the woman than the man. The real question becomes
then, are YOU "marriage material" for the guy?
Maybe Hell be Mine
If I Get Pregnant?
Here is my situation: I am dating a guy who I am
in love with. We started seeing each other in
November 2008 but in February he told me we should
break it off because he's not ready for anything
serious as he is going through a divorce. He said
he needs time to find himself.
After that the discussion, things didn't change
much. We still text each other and talked and hang
out like before but there was no sex. I did not
want to let it go, so I kept hanging out at his
place and recently we have started sleeping
He has made is very clear that he is not
committed to me or the relationship. In my mind I
feel like he is the man I want to marry and
thoughts of getting pregnant intentionally have
crossed my mind.
He always uses a condom during sex but last
night he did not which surprised me. I found myself
praying that I get pregnant.
I am 35 years old and in dire need of a family
or a child. I know I should cut off this
relationship but I also think that if I hang around
long enough he will change his mind and if I
accidentally get pregnant that may turn him around
and commit to a relationship.
Am I being selfish and what advise do you have
I'm so confused as am so in love with him and it
hurts because I know he is not in the same place
Wow! This situation is entirely toxic!
Would you really get pregnant; knowing damn well
that he's not interested in anything but sex with
you in order to try to land this guy? That's called
"fraudulent paternity" and frankly is pretty
despicable; not the least of which is for your own
unborn child. Is that all you think your children
Seriously, snap out of this right now. Wake the
hell up. This guy has told you that all you are to
him is a sex partner (I debated on whether to make
it bolder just to make the point, but decided
against it - you know what I mean however!)
Yes, you are being totally and completely
selfish here! You're not thinking of him and you're
sure as hell not thinking of your future child!
Here's what would happen if you got pregnant:
he'll bolt. You may be able to go after him for
child support payments - and you'd get it - even
thought he doesn't want you or your child; but the
reality is that you'll never have him. This is true
even if he agreed to stay around! He would be there
physically, but not emotionally, spiritually or
Please, PLEASE don't do this. Your own kids
deserve so much better than this - even if you
don't think you do. Kick this guy to the curb, get
yourself healed right away and go find someone you
can love that loves you back. Then, become the
woman of this new guy's dreams, get married and
have that family you want.
DO NOT try to entrap this guy by getting
pregnant - it's going to backfire, trust me. I see
it almost every single day!
Why Do Women Love
I have a question: why are women attracted to
men (and not to each other)?
I know what attracts me to women, women are
beautiful and soft but I wonder whats in
women's brains that make them see men as more
attractive than women? I cant imagine my self
kissing another man but why do women see it as
I asked this question to few girls before and
they don't seem to know the answer.
Can you explain this? Thanks!
Some of the questions I get are more of the same
and I answer them. Some of them (like yours) are
excellent and I can hardly wait to get to them.
Yes, this is a great question. Let me see if I
can shed some light on this.
There are many things to admire about women:
their looks, the softness of their skin and bodies,
their smell, their hair and their nurturing, giving
qualities. We both agree on all of these.
Most women however see these things not as
sexual attractiveness, but as weakness. Therein
lies your answer.
There's a lot of evolutionary sociology behind
all of this and I'll try not to bore you with much
science, but consider this: you evolved to admire
primarily sexual characteristics of women; things
that make her look young, healthy and vibrant
primarily because these are the types of
characteristics that produce healthy offspring able
to reproduce. Characteristics that produce
unhealthy offspring died off with them because they
weren't around to reproduce!
Women did the same thing, but in a different
way, with a different motivation.
Women; being burdened with doing most of the
child raising had to naturally look for others to
protect them, help them gather food and help them
raise their young. They too want offspring that
will be healthy and to survive into sexual
In effect, this means strength and power. Those
are the most attractive qualities that women see in
men. You see, just as you want healthy offspring,
so do women, but we go about creating them from
Now, just as some men prefer brunettes and some
prefer blonds, women have physical and emotional
choices too, but they define "attractiveness"
differently than you do based on this
To a woman, the thought of being with a powerful
man creates security and safety. Women need this
security in order to feel love - and loved by the
way. Part of this is sexual attraction too.
Women are motivated by their own genes to find
men who can produce strong healthy children as
sexually attractive. Aspects like kissing,
cuddling, having sex, etc., are all things that
build positive physical and emotional sensations in
us because we are pre-wired that way. Women get
emotional, physical and sexual arousal from those
things that they equate with basic sexual
characteristics - just like we guys do. The
difference is that we need different things.
You run into some confusion here however. How
come women simply don't go for the biggest, brutish
types of men they can find? Simple: these guys also
consume the most resources! (There are some other
reasons behind this too but again, it gets pretty
complicated pretty quickly!)
Women view other things as "powerful" too:
someone with attitude, someone with confidence,
high-income earners, intelligence, men with social
status, etc. These are guys that CREATE the
greatest resources. Today, it's fundamentally
within the home and the culture. With our
ancestors, it was the guys that went out on the
hunt to bring back protein for the family at great
personal risk to themselves. By the way consider
that a group of individuals - even if they are all
women - are "strong" too. This is why women also
developed much keener communication and social
skills than men did. By creating a community, women
were able to provide better for their own
offspring. Of course they also competed together
for limited resources - food, shelter, protection -
This explains why so many women can be catty
towards each other too. It comes from a basis of
competition with each other.
Now, these things are highly over-simplified,
but if you consider them, you'll get a very good
idea not only of what women are looking for in men,
but why they find someone you don't think is
attractive, so appealing.
Will He Marry Me?
I guess my situation is common but let me ask
what you think any way.
I am a 42 year old woman that has been dating a
50 year old man for 4 years now, we have been
living together for 2 years now and were both
When we met I was very clear what I wanted and
he seemed to want the same which was to be married.
Well again it has been 4 years and he has not asked
me to marry him yet.
When we talk about it he will say he isnt
sure that he wants to be married again but that he
knows he loves me and wants to spend his life with
me other times he will say to have patience. Well I
think after 4 years of dating he should be able to
ask me to marry him I dont think Im
He tells me all the time that we love each other
and we get along great and have a very blessed life
why do I want to get married. Just as everyone I
have a type of life that I want I want to be
married and live till death do we part with
Some people want kids and some dont and I
guess its just the type of life I want. Do
you think he will ever ask me to marry him or do
you think that I should move on and maybe I will
find someone else I want to spend my life with and
get married and then maybe I wont.
Please tell me what you think!!! Thank you
Oh my god! You've wanted to be married for all
of these 4 years and you still aren't? What the
hell?? You seem like a nice woman! I'm sure you
could go out this very weekend and find someone
that would marry you TODAY! Then, you'd be happy
and all of this wondering would be behind you,
Of course not.
Come on now. You've been focused on marriage all
of this time and you're really missing the entire
point. No, not "everyone" wants the same
You're totally missing one important fact:
marriage isn't the relationship itself; it's a
FORMAT of a relationship. So is living together,
dating exclusively, dating non-exclusively, LDR's,
dating with kids, dating with gerbils, etc., etc.,
etc. There are thousands of formats and marriage is
only one of them.
Here's more reality:
You view marriage as all sorts of good things:
security, success, family, future, love, status,
Men however view marriage as something very
different. We see it as stress, responsibility,
loss of freedom, loss of choice, taking on a
business partner that we have to run every decision
by and many other negative things. Add to this some
other facts such as women often change dramatically
after they get married. They often gain weight,
stop or change their sexualities, stop focusing on
their partners, etc. Divorces are usually far worse
on men than they are on women as well. Our divorce
courts (and in fact, society in general) view men
in divorce situations as the only bad guy, despite
the fact that wives file 72% (majority) of all
It's almost amazing to me that men ever get
married in the first place!
What you have now seems like the perfect
situation, but you're not satisfied with it because
you want that big party and a contract that will
nail him if he doesn't do things exactly the way
you want him to. What you call "commitment" you're
getting far, far more of right now than you'd ever
have in a marriage! He CHOOSES to be with you now
even though it wouldn't hurt him much to end
If he were married to you, it wouldn't be a
choice - it's be a court-ordered mandate! Ohhh!!
Let's bottom line this thing: if you honestly
have to be married to be happy, then you need to go
find someone - anyone - that will give that to you
right now. Don't worry about whether your boyfriend
will ever come to that point - just go do it. Then,
you'll have the happiness you want.
On the other hand, if you are looking for a
solid, loving, committed relationship with someone
you respect and love, the focus on the quality of
the relationship itself - in whatever format it
What is Love?
I don't know if you or anyone knows how to
answer this question. But I was wondering how does
someone really know if they are in love or deeply
attracted to another person?
I've read that you would know if you fell in
love with someone, and that you would never have to
ask yourself if you truly loved someone. Is this
Are the 2 the same or different, and how do you
differentiate between the 2?
What about lust? What is your definition to this
The reason I'm asking is that Im feeling
all kinds of emotions with a particular guy,
(happiness, sadness, frustration, sometimes all at
once) and Im really confused, and frustrated.
Our feelings are pretty in sync at times,
I love being around him, even if we dont
have much to say; sometimes just putting my arms
around him gives me such happiness. I think about
him all the time, yet I'm not sure how I really
feel about him. We're not seriously dating yet.
Do I need to clearly understand my feelings
about him first, before committing seriously to
him, or does this all evolve over time?
Is this one of life's mystery which is best left
Poets, authors, song writers and romantics in
all of time have been trying to answer this very
question. So, in my own arrogance, I'll give it a
Part of the problem is that there are so many
different types of love, yet only one word to
describe it. The Romans had a number of different
words for it: "eros" (erotic love"), "pathos"
(romantic love) and "philos" (brotherly love) for
example. You instantly see that this doesn't go far
enough however. There are still other types of
love, like the love of friends, or the love of a
mother and child or the love of a man for a fine
Cuban cigar, etc.
Here's my definition of romantic love (the one I
think you're asking me about):
Love is when you find yourself compelled to
worry or be concerned over someone else's happiness
and well-being before your own.
That may not seem like much of a definition, but
if you're ever been in love, you'd know that
feeling. A person in love dwells on the "love
object's" happiness and well-being far, far before
It's natural to be concerned with our own
well-being, but that turns outward (and to the same
degree) when we are in love.
Do you know this when you're in love? Yes, you
do, but no discussion of love would be complete
without knowing that this is a two-edged sword. Any
person that has ever been in this sort of love and
been hurt by it would never wish it to happen
again! It's one of the single most painful
experiences anyone can face.
You may have heard the old saying, "It's better
to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
all"? Not to anyone that has done it!
I'll bet you weren't expecting THAT commentary,
Deep attraction to someone is definitely
different than love. Whereas attraction is a
selfish pursuit (and I mean "selfish" not in a bad
way at all!) whereas love feels like a purely
altruistic thing; although it's not. Among other
things, it's the feelings that are different
between them. I personally don't believe in love at
first sight for this reason. I DO believe in the
answer to your next question however: LUST at first
Lust is that "eros" I mentioned before. It's a
sexual longing/needing of another person. Sometimes
it's combined with other types of love, and
sometimes it exists on it's own. You can't wait to
get into your lover's pants and everything they do
makes you horny. Interesting, this is a type of
experience that permeates the rest of your life!
You'll always remember that person's perfume or
cologne for instance. You'll always remember
certain hair styles or body shapes, etc., and these
can cause you to get aroused by people that share
the single attribute!
In many ways, lust is more powerful than love.
(I can already hear the collective groans of the
romantics reading this right now!)
Think about this however: lust is so powerful
that governments, parents, churches and many other
organizations are all trying to get control over
yours! They pass laws, set rules, establish
doctrine, etc. all in an attempt to control
people's lust. That should tell you something,
because once you get hold of someone else's sex,
you absolutely OWN that other person!
Further, people will risk everything they have,
everything they've built to satisfy their lust.
Consider the cases where teachers are caught having
sex with under-aged students. Do you think this is
an act of love? Well, perhaps in some cases, but I
can say with some confidence that it is always at
least permeated with lust.
To get to your last question, no you don't need
to clearly understand your feelings towards him at
all. In fact, trying to do so is all but futile!
You're not ever going to understand these feelings.
Instead, work to accept them. For many people, that
is far more difficult!
Her Gay Friend
Ok Dr., here is the background for this
- She and I are both in our early 20s.
- We went to high school together.
- We didnt know each other well in high
school, but were acquaintances with mutual
- I started talking to her about two months
ago on a whim.
- She lives far away now but makes frequent
trips back here.
- Keep in mind I have not seen her in person
for 3 years
- I am NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP, JUST a
- She came back once recently and we
didnt meet up, but she is coming back next
month. She said she couldnt wait to meet
up next time.
I used your blitzkrieg technique and
talked to her one day, waited a week, talked again,
waited four days, talked again, a week off, etc.
She replies and asks questions back every time,
HOWEVER she NEVER makes first contact.
When she was drunk she kept telling me via text
(and dont worry, we dont text often at
all) that she is "the most fun I could ever have,
especially drunk." She never says she cant
wait to see me outright, but that she cant
wait to come home, which is understandable. She
also gets very offended when I made the jest "are
you a boringish girl?" It was almost as though she
was out to prove herself as fun. She even went as
far as saying "Didnt you see my club
But, heres the big issue: she is bringing
her gay friend with her when she visits!
They are visiting and I will be the one calling
her to hang when she is here. But keep in mind they
are not coming to see me specifically. It was more
of a "Oh, your coming up for a few days to visit
family? Well lets meet up! sort of thing.
They are driving and he is not from around here, so
she might (and I stress MIGHT) not have a place to
dump him off. I have made it clear that we will be
meeting up alone on several occasions, but how can
I make sure that he isnt there doing the old
block the cock thing? She has pictures of him
online of them kissing and just being close,
typical girl thinks gay guy is cute/adorable type
thing. I think you will have much to say on this
topic, can you ease my mind at all?
Well, I'll say this: you've been paying
attention in class!
By the way - you've been using the challenges
very well to move this forward. Good job! Here's
one more that you might want to try, "I've never
met a [insert some attribute of her's here -
"Philly", "Irish", "teacher", "Catholic",
whatever] girls that knew how to kiss very
well." Then, leave it at that. Challenge
Why would you be calling her to set things up
only when she gets here? Why not have it all
planned instead BEFORE she arrives? Get things set
up so that you already have the date planned and
You need to ask yourself just how "gay" this guy
is! I'm getting the impression that it's not
exactly 100% here. That could work against you.
Here's what you have to keep in mind: HE has her
full attention - not you. Thus, you need to win HIM
over far more than you need to win HER over. If
he's really gay and only a friend of hers, he can
do far more to build you up in her mind than you
could ever do!
Thus, plan on meeting him and becoming the close
buddy! If you do that, he's going to help you out
here. If not, he's going to block you. You should
also have some place for him to go. Look around
town and find a couple of gay clubs. This is a
great place to take them both! He'll have lots of
opportunities to meet some guys and you'll have the
girl mostly to yourself.
Facebook Flirting Fails
A month ago I saw this girl at a dance party. We
stared at each other for a very long time and the
spark was obviously there, but I had to leave and
she had friends next to her so I missed the chance
to meet her.
Few days ago, I came across her profile on
Facebook and guess what, we are at the same
university! I sent her a friend request, explaining
our early acquaintance and I told her I would be
happy to take the first step for meeting her on
Facebook since the chances of coming across with
her and meeting her in person are very low.
She accepted my friend request without any
response. Then I messaged her asking some questions
about dance and her department, etc. She replied in
a very friendly manner but surprisingly, she said
she does not remember me! (Wow, how do you forget a
person you have explicitly flirted with?)
At the same time, she left a flirtatious and
funny comment under one of my photos, relating to
another photo of me, which obviously made me think
that she has been scanning through my profile.
After a few messages back and forth, I told her
I would like to meet her in person and would like
to know her better and I asked for her number. She
replied "Of course, I would be glad to meet you,
but you give me your number and I will message
I gave her my number, respecting her privacy.
However, she hasn't messaged me for 2 days. I
started to wonder if she is not interested although
she said she would be happy to meet me.
The more surprising thing is, she keeps
commenting on my status on Facebook in this 2 days
Is she playing games? Could you please give me
an insight on what to do? Thank you.
So, you were waiting for the "perfect
opportunity" to approach her and it never came.
That figures - they never DO come! If you continue
to wait for perfect opportunities, or even good
ones without MAKING them for yourself, you're going
to be one lonely guy!
Next point: OF COURSE she didn't message you!
Regardless of what she said, it's not her job to
move this forward, it's YOURS. You tried to give
that up and put it in her hands. She's not going to
call you or text you (god forbid anyway!) You could
call this a "game", but it's one you've lost for
lack of knowing what to do. Honestly, I can hardly
blame her since you've set yourself up for all of
Here are some rules you'd better learn (and by
the way, there are more of them than just this
1) Perfect opportunities never come. Good ones
2) You need to learn to MAKE opportunities with
women because of this!
3) It's YOUR JOB to approach women - regardless
of the eye contact or friends or whatever.
4) When you don't, they instantly think you're a
5) Unfortunately, they are almost always
6) When you do approach them, you need to get
DIGITS at the very least.
7) Using Facebook or technology of any kind
works against you in all of this
8) Because it makes you look weak and cowardly
in women's eyes.
9) When you give a woman your number this
confirms weakness and cowardliness.
10) ...and for that reason alone, you're not
likely to hear from this girl.
Now, your next question is: "how do I fix
My answer: "You can't." How are you ever going
to prove to this girl what you've been screaming at
her all this time (weakness/cowardliness).
You have to work entirely from a point of
powerlessness. If you contact her again via
Facebook, the very best you can do is say, "Well,
can we get together now? Pretty please?????"
Begging is never a good way to come off as
masculine and powerful. What you should have done
was to approach her when you had the chance. All of
this would have been solved if you'd have just done
that first. If she tried to pull that pre-test
about you giving her your digits, you should have
said, "Ok, no thanks. I'm only interested in girls
that don't need to play that game. Obviously, if
you can't give someone your phone number, you're
never going to be dating anyway and I'm only
interested in women that are serious and mature
about these things."
If you had done that, she's have shoved her
number in your hand so fast it'd make your head
Is Dating Culture
In the Pittsburg, PA suburb of Bridgeville; a man,
frustrated by his own lack of dating and
relationship success decided to take his
frustration out on an all-female dance-aerobics
Women just dont like me, he
wrote in a chilling on-line diary posting. To say
that the gunman had a lot of hatred built up inside
of him is an understatement. The interesting part
of this however, is that I see this same
frustration every single day from both the men and
women that write to me.
Within moments of walking into that class, 3
women and the gunman lay dead and 9 others
What is it about our current dating culture that
breeds this level of anger, frustration and hatred?
Why does a man whom youd otherwise never
guess had any problems with women go on a rampage
and murder the very people of his desire?
I didnt have to think very long on this to
find the answer. We have an entire dating culture
that is breeding this very reaction.
I get to see this from the inside because of the
more than 30,000 letters Ive answered from my
readers and viewers in just the past few years. The
shift I see happening is both amazing and
terrifying. Im seeing an entire generation of
men that are more confused and lacking in basic
relationship skills in just the past 5 years than
in any of the years before them.
Thats not to say however that men are the
only ones frustrated! In fact, I hear constant
laments from lonely, frustrated women every day
Why cant I meet any good
All the good men are either gay or
Men dont seem to know how to be men
And, worst of all theyre right.
There was a time when men had real roll models
and examples of how to be men. They knew their
place in relationships and specifically, their roll
with women. Its getting rarer to find these
men today and how can anyone be surprised? If you
look at just about any segment of popular culture,
the examples of strong masculine figures are just
This isnt to blame media exclusively for
this however. We consumers are helping to promote
this. We on one hand, discount the value of male
influence in society while on the other consume the
constant barrage of negative stereotypes. We laugh
at Justin Timberlakes obvious pain of being
thrown, crotch-first, into a street poll and grin
at the bumbling fool that cant help his
daughter with her homework (while mother looks on
with frustrated bemusement). We support every
aspect of women empowerment and degrade
the idea of male empowerment as
When it comes to the dating world, Im
constantly amazed at the same mistaken beliefs and
techniques being used by men in order to try to be
successful. I stand equally confused by the
ineffective games I see women playing in the dating
world that simply damage their chances at finding
this happiness too.
Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of this
however is that so-called experts are
actually counseling these women on doing these
things or men on just playing the
We are complicated emotional creatures with
equally-complicated mating rituals. In fact, those
rituals change from community to community, but in
fact there are rules and by following those rules,
we can meet with the successes we all hope to
But, what if we dont know the rules? What
if the rules change and theres no source to
This is exactly what happened to the gunman in
this story. He spent the last 19 years of his
48-year life living with his own frustration and
eventually snapped. The result was 4 dead and 9
injured people all of whom shared the same
desire in their lives to have happy, healthy
I am seeing a flood of letters from frustrated
men and women today (yes, some of them directed
toward me) about this very issue. Why does it
have to be this complicated?
Whats wrong with me? and
Im ready to give up are common
themes. These people arent bad people at all,
they simply lack tools or have been misguided right
into their frustrations by well-meaning but equally
By leveling the playing field; that is, getting
dating, sex and relationship information into the
hands of both men and women; by reducing the
frustration and need for the games, giving people
new, more healthy and successful opportunities to
reach their own dating and relationship goals and
by empowering people to seek out this knowledge
and find it, we might help to prevent this
very event from reoccurring and save the life of
your own girlfriend, boyfriend, child, parent,
sibling or spouse.
In Love with a
I met a man through the oddest of ways - a
mis-sent text message! It went to the wrong phone
number and somehow we started to text each other,
exchanged photos of ourselves and started to flirt.
He is an older man with a really sexy voice and is
a successful business owner. We finally we decided
to meet up.
What happens next, is the craziest thing I have
ever done in my life, it was my first time
He called me on a Thursday and asked if I wanted
to meet him for coffee after his dinner with a
client, if it was early enough. If not then we
could just meet on that Saturday as originally
I agreed but I didn't hear anything from him
until almost 11:00, so I thought he probably
wouldn't call because it's too late.
Just when I was about to go to bed, he called
and apologized for calling so late. He asked me if
I want to come over to his place and I agreed
because I really wanted to see him in person.
By the time I got to his house it was 12:30am.
The door was unlocked so I just went upstairs to
his bedroom. He was surprised that I actually
showed up at his place this late by myself. We
talked a little and I think you can guess what
happened after that.
He was really good in bed! I was lying in his
arms and for the first time in my life I felt so
safe and happy. Really I know it's not normal but I
felt like he is the ONE that I've been looking
The next morning we had to wake up early to go
to work. On my way home I was sad because I knew I
shouldn't have done this but I couldn't help it.
That's when the insecurities started to take over.
I became scared that I wouldn't hear from him again
so I text him to say that I had a wonderful time
and thanked him.
I started to worry more and more. I got this
weird feeling that since we met that first night
that the Saturday plan wouldn't happen.
I really wanted to see him and I started to like
him more and more. He texted me saying "hey, we saw
each other Thursday instead of Saturday so I made
plans with my buddy and his girlfriend. I feel bad,
I'm sorry :-(". I replied "I kinda got the feeling
that you would plan something else. Anyway, have a
good weekend. I just wanted to sleep with you.
That's all." He replied "Whoa, I'm a piece of meat?
:-( ". I responded "or were you expecting me to
fall in love with you? I actually did for about 5
hrs - best 5hrs I've had in years. And I was
kidding about the 'just wanted to sleep with you'
I didn't hear from him again - I probably scared
him away or he thought I was annoying and childish
and stupid and crazy.... But that's so not me! I
wanted to be calm and I wish I could be. It seems
like I screwed everything up but now I want to fix
it. I really like him. At this point, I really
don't know what else to do. I don't want to keep
sending him text messages or call him anymore, but
if I don't I might never get a chance to see him
again. I'm asking for help.
I know most people would say "come on, wake up!
He's just not interested in you. Get it over with
and move on..." but I don't want to. Even if
there's only a slice of hope I want to try to fix
things until there's nothing else I can do. Please
Holy shit! Why in THE HELL would you actually
try to create what you didn't want to have happen
with him???? What in the hell were you thinking???
You wanted to have something more than a
one-nighter with him so you actually cancel a date
with him, tell him that all you wanted was sex and
now you're wondering why he doesn't call you??? I
don't know whether to be shocked or disgusted.
I'm not talking about the sex at all here. I
think that was a bold, incredible - and even smart
move! You didn't do it for the smart reasons, but
you got the net-effect benefit of them anyway - and
then you threw it all away.
Going over to have sex with him actually
connected you and him very deeply. Because of your
own fears you destroyed all of the benefit you
created however! That's just really, really dumb.
Please stop just reacting here and start being
strategic, will you?
You absolutely, positively have to call him!
He's not going to contact you after that little
act. The other choice is to just walk away feeling
insecure and be sad that you did this. Either way I
guess you'll have learned a valuable lesson; no,
not about the first-date sex, but about killing off
your own chances with someone you really liked.
Here's what I want you to do: I want you to call
him - do NOT text him! Texting is like passing
notes when you were a kid in school. It's cowardly
and worse, you miss a lot of important nuances in
meaning. It's easy to misconstrue your (or someone
else's) messages so please just stop doing
When you call him just act normal and say, "Hey!
I missed you and our date on Saturday. Sorry about
canceling, but I want to make it up to you. Are you
available next Saturday? I'm going to take you
You're going to have to be direct and bold here.
This is your chance to start to fix the damage
Pick him up at his place, take him out to do
something fun (your first date) and then take him
home and bang him stupid. As well, sometime during
the conversation or the date itself just mention
that you're sorry for what you texted him about
only wanting sex. Just brush it off as some
"girl-brain-fart" or something. Don't make it a big
deal, but let him know that wasn't your intention
at all - you really want to see where this can go.
Then, MAKE it go.
How Much Should You Share
With Your Date?
I've been dating off and on since my divorce a
few years ago. I generally am completely open with
my dates, and willingly share information about my
I've just met a gal who is a Psychologist. She
has challenged my practice, saying that there are
some things that are better not to share with your
dates. For example, she doesn't want to know about
sexual relations I had with my last partner, and
has been unwilling to disclose much about her own
recent sexual history. Her stated concern is that I
might judge her if I don't like something she's
done in the past, or vice versa.
I am curious, is there a general position that
psychologists or psychiatrists take on sharing
one's life history with people you are dating?
I couldn't agree more - with her.
This belief you have in being totally open and
honest; while a lofty goal isn't healthy or
practical; let alone possible.
There is a general belief that being totally
open and honest is somehow the cornerstone of a
good relationship. That's just not the case. This
is an attempt by those with great fear of being
lied to and a lack of belief and trust in
themselves to deal with other's lies, to off-load
their own responsibilities onto someone else and to
make that person responsible for their personal
I'm not advocating the opposite here, but trying
to be totally open and honest may feel good on the
surface but is not otherwise healthy.
Here's the reality: everybody, but everybody
lies. That's just the way it is. Lying is such a
part of the human experience it's built right into
our communication systems. In fact, it's impossible
not to lie! Likewise, it's impossible to be totally
open and honest too. Trying to hold someone else to
a standard of not lying isn't reasonable when we,
ourselves can't even meet it.
You're taking that mistaken belief to an extreme
by "outing yourself" on things that your dates
really don't need or even want to know!
George, nobody buys a novel only to turn to the
last page to find out who "did it", and then puts
it on the shelf, satisfied. Another part of the
human experience is the joy of discovering who our
partners (and dates) are. This happens over time as
we gather information and build a picture - and
sometimes that picture gets changed in both subtle
and some not-so-subtle ways. This unfolding of
reality helps us to "discover" the other person and
frankly, is more than half the fun.
You're trying to unload every truth up front as
though your dates will somehow benefit from the
knowledge. They won't, and frankly, that just puts
far too much pressure on them anyway.
In fact, this psychologist is spot-on. Don't
feel that you need to unload (more like "vomit")
any part of your life all over someone as though
that's "healthy" and will build a solid
relationship - it's not, and it won't. Not even if
lying was what caused your divorce.
A Matter of Trust
I have been seeing this woman on and off for
over 1 year, we have only been seeing each other
seriously since the beginning of May. We have had
difficulties with trust from both ends in the past,
but things have improved dramatically over the past
99% of the time I trust her completely and I
know that despite the difficulties we have had,
things are improving and continue to grow. However,
a there are a small percentage of the times where I
have doubt. This manifests itself in behaviors such
as questioning whether or not she is telling me the
truth. For example, today, I attempted to login to
her cell phone account. I didn't login, but
immediately felt like shit for doing this. I called
her to tell her what I had done and apologize. What
can I do to keep myself from carrying out these
behaviors a small percentage of the time which put
our relationship in serious jeopardy.
First of all, if you're going to do something
like this don't turn around and confess to it! All
that will do is cause even MORE mistrust between
You're right for feeling like shit. Invasion of
privacy is the worst crime that can be committed
within a relationship - even worse than cheating!
The reasons for this are because of the source of
it which I'll get into in a minute.
The very first thing I want both of you to do is
to go change ALL your passwords - phones, email,
everything - and then don't tell the other person.
That's going to eliminate the temptation to invade
each other's privacy. That will solve one big
The second problem isn't going to be as easy.
The issue isn't that you both have trust issues;
it's that you have "I don't trust myself" issues.
Let me explain:
What you don't trust is:
1) Your ability to know or sense when something
is really wrong; and,
2) Your ability to deal with the things you find
Thus, you're both trying to get the OTHER person
to make you trust them. That can NEVER happen. You
can't give away your responsibilities here to
someone else and expect them to live up to them.
First of all, it's not their job. Second of all,
what if they don't? Then you can blame them without
taking any responsibility for it yourself!
The reality is that relationships are far more
about PERSONAL responsibility than anything else.
If you don't have it, your relationship will
continue to suffer because of it.
Let me give you an example of how this
When I get involved with someone I'm going to
date for a long period of time I tell them this:
"You know, I can't be around you 24/7 to watch what
you do and frankly, I'd never want to be in that
sort of relationship anyway. I'm with you because I
believe in you and I hope that's why you're with
me. I'm a quality person and I want to be around
people that have champagne tastes. If you decide
you want to go out for beer, I can't stop you, but
instead, I'll have realized that you're not the
person I am looking for and I'll go off to find
someone else that wants champagne."
Do you see the point of this little speech? I
take PERSONAL responsibility for my actions - I
don't try to lay them off on anyone else. Instead,
I let her be responsible for herself too. I believe
that I can deal with things even if I don't like
them by finding someone else. In fact, I can and so
The bottom line is that you need to start
working on building up your own trust for yourself
and stop worrying about what anyone else does, says
or thinks - even your girlfriend.
When the Rules Change
My Wife and I have been married for almost 8 years.
We have 2 beautiful boys and a girl (7, 4 and 5
y/o.) Lately it has been totally impossible to get
her to have "alone time" with me. I have tried
talking to her, flirting with her and just doing
special romantic things for her but every night
ends with the same results: she either watches
"women movies" until I am asleep, she is on the
phone with her friends, or she just says she is to
tired and turns her back to me and goes to sleep. I
am starting to think there is someone else that is
getting her affection!!
Three years ago I caught her e-mailing and even
talking to a man more than 20 years older than her,
after confronting her about it and telling her if
she isn't happy with our relationship I didn't want
to hold her back. She convinced me it was just a
cry for help and wanted more help with household
duties and with the kids which I have done, to the
point that she brags to her co-workers about how
great of a husband she has! If I am so good then
why can't she bring herself to spend some intimate
time with me? If it wasn't for our son's I'm afraid
I would have already given up, but I love her with
all my heart and causes me so much pain not to be
close with her!
Some cry for help!
First, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's
extremely difficult when the rules change.
Ultimately, your wife has no particular motivation
to change things. It's something like the joke
about the guy on his wedding day that is missing
only to turn up an hour later with his friends
asking what happened. He said, "I just got the best
blowjob of my life from my fiancé! This
marriage is going to be incredible!" Meanwhile, his
fiancé is finally found by her friends and
when asked where she was, she said, "It was
incredible - I just gave the last blowjob of my
I know this isn't a laughing matter, but the
point is the same.
Frankly, I think there is a high likelihood that
she's seeing someone else which is particularly
tragic considering your children. If this is so,
they are ultimately going to suffer right along
with you, but without the emotional tools to deal
As you've said, you've been the "model husband"
all in an attempt to not only make your wife happy,
but to recreate the intimacy you need - all to no
avail. I think these indirect innuendos should come
to an end. You need to confront her about this,
face to face, husband to wife.
Here's the reality: she has responsibilities to
you and your marriage. Just because she doesn't
feel like it isn't good enough. She's also
obviously secure in the fact that she doesn't have
to give a shit! If she did, she'd never be taking
If there's an emotional issue, she needs to get
it handled by speaking to a counselor. If there's
another person in the mix, it needs to be dealt
with by you both - if not for you and your marriage
- for your children. Ultimately, this will likely
break up your family. If there's a physical problem
she needs to see a doctor.
Here's what you should do:
Sit her down when the kids aren't around and
say, point-blank that she's not living up to the
expectations you had when you married her. Don't
mince words here. Consider this: if you were out
getting sex from someone else, it would be
"cheating" against your promises to her, wouldn't
it? So, why are the implied promises of being a
good sex partner for you not "cheating" even if
she's not seeing someone else?
Answer: they are the same.
Consider this too: our form of marriage is
hundreds of years old and the basis for it began
when women were properly of westernized men. There
was no ability to "have a headache" that lasted for
years. The entire community would rally behind the
husband because he'd have never entered into the
marriage if sex wasn't part of the bargain. Why
should that be any different now?
Likewise, she needs to understand that you
expect her to get this solved and you'll even help
if need be, but if she doesn't, that becomes your
ticket to see your sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
Meeting your sexual needs is part of the marital
agreement whether it's contained within the vows or
not. If she can only do that by giving you the
freedom to see it outside of the marriage, then you
can accept that option if she demands it.
Frankly, I hope you get what you want and need
from this marriage. It's the requirement of the
family's adults to work this out however it'll best
suit the needs of the kids. After all, they didn't
ask to be born into this. You and she made that
decision for them.
Being Single or Together
- At a Distance
My boyfriend and I have been dating about a year.
We have a good relationship and we're both sure we
want to continue moving forward. We live about 700
miles apart and see each other 1-2 times a
Here's the problem: my boyfriend has been single
almost all of his adult life. He's enjoyed the
typical bachelor life filled with women, travel,
toys and being self centered. Now that we are a
couple, he doesn't understand that his priorities
need to change somewhat. He still enjoys hanging
out with single women - often. He thinks I should
be okay with this. I think he doesn't get the best
of both worlds. He thinks that both of us should
continue to socialize with singles of the other
sex, as long as there is no sexual intimacy. I am
of the belief that this is no longer appropriate.
He needs to understand the guidelines of being in a
couple versus being a single man. PLEASE HELP.
Your boyfriend being single most of this life
isn't the only problem. By far a worse problem is
the distance. Melinda, these Long-Distance
Relationships (LDR's) NEVER work out! This is a
total and complete waste of your time!
Consider this: let's say that he up and decides
that he doesn't want to tell you what he's doing,
or that he says "I'm not going to hang around
single women any more." Are you going to believe
him? I sincerely doubt it. Why not? Simple: you
can't possibly check up on him! There's no way for
you to verify that he's telling you the truth or
not - he's 700 miles away! More importantly, he
knows this too.
Now, just what do you think that's going to do
to your relationship? Ultimately, it's not going to
The bottom line is that there's really not much
you can do about this. If you insist on staying in
this dumb LDR (even when there are TONS and TONS of
great guys right there in your backyard), then,
you're going to have to get comfortable with him
dating - and likely sleeping with - other girls. Of
course, he's also eventually going to meet someone
in his own backyard that he can have a REAL
relationship with - including sex - and you'll be
Melinda, this is a really, really dumb idea from
the git-go! If you want to know more about LDR's,
go to my website: http://beingaman.tv and click on
Videos. From there click on Self Help and watch the
video on LDR's.
Dating Dilemma or
I'm 20 years old and have dated 5 girls. The
first left me because I did whatever she wanted for
her and was a wuss. The second left me because I
said she could only be my girlfriend if she had sex
with me and I didn't respect her views. The third
left because I made an issue of disrespect. The
fourth left because she was a druggy and I seemed
like I didn't party enough. The fifth now because
we made it right to the point of sex, and then she
had her period so we couldn't do it, and she was
Because my life is a nightmare, before I saw her
the next time things went real wrong and it looks
like she lost total interest, so I got stuck at the
edge of sex. I'm a virgin who is seriously
questioning the motivation of girls. They claim to
care about me or be interested and I never get to
have them fully.
The most recent one is the hardest because she
is so gorgeous. I don't know how to set my mind
free, I mean it's like my life is designed such
that I fuck up in a variety of ways before I have
sex. This girl was saying things like "oh my god, I
want it so bad", etc. the night she couldn't have
sex with me. I mean how can a guy deal with being
so close to being with a hot chick, to having it
stripped away? Honestly I didn't do anything
She forgot my birthday anyway, so she doesn't
really care about me I guess, but it just hurts me
inside that I now feel like I'm good enough to date
these girls, but when it comes to the final
decision of sex its like I'm not good enough. Most
recently I've heard the line "once you have sex
there's no going back." There's no going back she
said! This is life and she's saying that she will
regret being with a person such as me despite being
I mean I feel like dog shit. What can I do to
ease my mind, because it seems like no matter how I
act, I get screwed over. Maybe it's because I'm not
acting as myself, I don't know. Please help!
You've got a number of problems going on
First of all, you're giving way too much up
front without getting anything you need in return.
You (mistakenly) believe that if you just give
enough, these girls will feel obligated to you and
will finally throw you some pity sex. No, it
doesn't work that way.
Sex has to be something that is PART of the
equation - not the solution to the formula. You
invest yourself along the way, but you also expect
her to invest herself too. Now, keep in mind that
girls want to bang your lights out - all of these
girls did - until you didn't make it a priority. In
effect, you gave them a "pass" until you felt you
had given enough.
Stop that crazy shit already!!
I have a personal rule that I teach my students:
have a "not to exceed" period. For instance, decide
right up front how many dates you'll "invest" in a
girl until you have sex. My personal rule is only 3
dates! No shit! If we're not getting down by date
#3, I move on. (I can already hear the women
readers of this board gasping!)
Here's the reason: you can't know what her
agenda is (and trust me all women have them) and
thus, if I try to guess it, I'm left just trying to
react to it. That's not good enough for me and it's
not good enough for you!
You have few enough rights in any relationship,
but setting the tone, direction and timing are
examples of them. YOU get to decide where your
relationship is going and how fast it'll get there.
As soon as you take that responsibility/right
seriously, women will start reacting positively to
You also need to understand that women will
always throw "LMR" ("Last Minute Resistance") at
you with sex. They have to. It's all about the
"slut factor" that I won't get into here, but
suffice it to say, you're always going to get this.
You need to learn how to deal with it. When a woman
tells you she wants you - she wants you already!
Unless she says flat-out "no", it's not a "no" at
all - it's a "yes".
Also, you don't need to worry about having sex
with a woman during her period. If she's adamant
against it, that's one thing, but frankly, few
women are. Just put a towel down in the bed and
plan a shower afterward, but don't let that be an
excuse to stop unless she's completely against
You need to learn how to "convert". Conversion
happens at every major step: you convert from the
approach to digits. You convert from digits to
dates. You convert from dates to sex and you
convert from sex to relationships. There are other
conversions even after this too!
They key is that you convert when it's your time
- not hers. You're waiting way too long! You WANT
to get to sex early because (as I've already said)
this is HER investment. If you're doing all the
giving she never feels involved in the
relationship. Don't make sex a big deal, but
realize that it's important.
Ultimately, you need to get a completely new
education about women - and your place in their
worlds. You've been using the wrong game plan for
all the wrong reasons. No wonder you're not
succeeding! I strongly encourage you to read my
books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
and change that education already. Stop being taken
advantage of by the very women that want you to
know what you should be doing instead!
I met this incredible guy 6 months ago. He and I
have much in common; we both work two jobs and I
have two small children. Needless to say, our time
is limited. We have not had sex yet because,
(mostly by his request), we wanted to really get to
know each other first instead of confusing our
feelings by being sexual too early. While it is not
sexual, it is very intimate. When we were able to
spend time together, it was wonderful...a movie, a
quiet dinner, a day of shopping. We talked every
day and we agreed that this was indeed a committed
I ran into a former colleague that used to be
interested in me. He asked me for a business card.
For a week, I talked to him on the phone but I did
tell him that I was involved. He asked was there
anyway we could try dating since we were never able
to before -- I told him no. The next day, he sent a
video saying how he felt. He blew kisses and said
that he wanted a chance with me. He also referenced
something that we discussed in a previous
conversation. My boyfriend saw the video and now he
is very angry. He feels that I lied to him because
he said that I did not tell him about the brief
conversations. He also asked me if the 'former
colleague' asked if I was sleeping with my
boyfriend. I was honest and told him that I did
reveal that out relationship at this point was
Now, my boyfriend has not said ten words to me
in two weeks. He said that he was angry that I
would converse with someone else extensively and
also tell private details of our relationship. I
asked him if we were over and he said, "just
relax". I have called, crying and begging; I've
emailed, and text-messaged him. He won't respond.
He just says "relax" or "I'm busy" or "I'll talk to
you when I am ready", etc.
Help! Did I mess up? Am I losing him? Is he
overreacting? Are my persistent efforts proving to
him how much I love him or are they pushing him
away? I want what we had (and the potential of what
we were building) -- how can I get him back?
Thanks for helping,
You've got a number of problems here - not just
with him not speaking to you!
Let me start by talking about your non-sexual
relationship. This always causes me GREAT concern.
So, what do you really have here? A very close
friendship - nothing more! Sex is an important part
of any HEALTHY relationship. I have deep concerns
with the real facts behind being together for 6
months and not being sexual beings. In other words,
you and he have just put that part of yourselves
aside. While you may hear (or even believe) that
"...sex isn't the most important part of a
relationship..." it's in the top three!
This is a severe issue made even more severe by
the fact that HE initiated it! Let me tell you how
men think: unlike you (as a woman) who uses sex to
create bonding, intimacy and closeness, men use sex
initially to determine IF THEY WANT TO create
bonding, intimacy and closeness! Do you see what's
going on here? He's actually preventing himself
from attaching to you by avoiding sex! To say this
isn't healthy is just a small part of the reality.
You have much bigger problems here than just being
Because of the fact that your relationship isn't
stable, he has no right to demand (or even to
expect) you to not be dating anyone else. He hasn't
"given himself" to you emotionally. I don't care
what you think is going on, I'm telling you the
facts from a man's point of view - and trust me, I
talk to men every single day about these things.
This isn't just one man's opinion.
If he'd written to me instead of you, I'd have
given him this advice:
"Stop being a pussy and take some friggin'
responsibility for yourself and this
"relationship"! If you want something with her,
then make it happen. Otherwise, get the hell out of
the way and let her go find what she wants."
Since you've written to me, I suggest you tell
"I'm over being punished for this. You need to
stand up and be a man and get this worked out. If
you can't do that, fine. I'll take that as your
blessing to start dating my friend from work - or
any other man I choose."
"You have every responsibility to be active and
involved in this relationship and to get over your
own hurt feelings. Nothing happened here except
some conversation between old friends. I've brought
this out in the open for you to deal with and
you've dealt with it poorly. It's time to grow
This comes down to a issue of respect. Did you
treat your relationship with "respect" by turning
down your friend? Yes, you did. Did you treat your
boyfriend with "respect" by telling him what was
going on? Yes, you did. Do you owe something to him
beyond what he's willing to give you? No, you do
not. As I mentioned before, he's withholding
himself from you emotionally.
Is he now treating you and your relationship
with the "respect" you deserve? I don't think so.
That should be the foundation of where you go from
I also think this is a good time to start
re-evaluating your non-sexual relationship. Is this
really the relationship you've always dreamed of
having? I can't imagine that if so! Either way, let
me assure you that he doesn't think this is. No man
would put himself into a non-sexual relationship
unless he has a good reason. Wanting to "take is
slow" with your relationship is NOT a "good
Falling for a (Somewhat)
A month ago I met an amazing man; handsome,
in-shape, caring, respectful, educated, and with a
thriving career. I love spending time with him, and
get butterflies in my stomach whenever I think
about him. My main problem is that he is 9 years
older than me. I know this may not seem like much
of an age gap, but there are some apparent
difference between a 24 year old woman and a man in
his 30's. I think he enjoys my youthful spirit,
looks, and personality, however, I often get the
feeling he views me as a little girl. I understand
him. I am the youngest in my family and am used to
being babied. However, I am an adult. I hold a
Bachelor in Business; have a steady career, and an
I really like this guy. I guess my main question
is: "how can I show him that I am mature enough to
embark on a steady relationship without sacrificing
my age and all that surrounds it?" I have never
been on of those crazy 20 year olds who go clubbing
all night long and have multiple one night stands.
However, I am young and enjoy going dancing and
having fun with friends. I have tried to make this
clear to him, and as a result have held off on most
things sexual. I live in one of the most
pretentious cities in the USA where most girls are
'party girls' and I don't want him to think I am
"that type" of girl, but I do not want him to think
I am a prude either. How can I make this
distinction? And when is it acceptable for me to
move things to the next level? I have seen him
every weekend for the past 4 weeks.
Since he is in his 30's, I think he is looking
for something a bit more serious. He has mentioned
that he wants a big family. I know he wants to
settle down within the next couple of years. I
would love for me to be the lucky girl. How do I
get him to take me seriously? Any advice?
Do you get the feeling that he views you as a
little girl because he treats you like this or
because of your own insecurities?
Here's the reality: by holding off being sexual
(in effect, artificially manipulating sex between
you), you're proving to him that you're still a
child. If you're sexually attracted to him, yet
you're holding back because of some dumb belief
that he'll see you as loose or promiscuous, you're
proving to him the exact thing you don't want him
to believe about you. Further, you're insuring that
he's going to move on and find someone that knows
I see this sort of nonsense all the time from
women. You carry - and continue to perpetuate -
some really dumb and even dangerous beliefs about
men! This is a great example of one of them: "If I
sleep with him too early, he'll think I'm a slut
and won't respect me."
I've met extremely few Western men in the last
20 years that actually feel this way. Go on and
believe it if you want to, but don't be surprised
when this guy goes and finds someone that knows
better - not necessarily older, but more
emotionally and sexually mature.
In effect, you're insulting an entire gender
with this ridiculous belief! The vast majority of
men see women that are comfortable expressing their
sexualities as "sophisticated" and "mature", not
party girls or sluts. It's time to update your
victorian education to a modern one - and to stop
listening to any woman that tells you differently.
I've even seen so called "experts" on this board
recommend this stupid bullshit!
Here's another thing you need to understand
about how men are wired: early sex means something
different to us than it does to you. Whereas you
use sex to build closeness, intimacy and bonding,
men use early sex to determine if we WANT TO get
close, intimate and bond. We don't make that
decision until AFTER we've have our physical selves
addressed within the context of dating! Go back and
re-read that until it really sinks in because the
next thing I'm going to tell you is going to shock
you if you really understand that first point.
Here's the second, more shocking fact: we have a
"shelf life" or a "window of opportunity" built
right into us. Here's what that means: During the
early part of dating, we're thinking all sorts of
things about you (just as you are with us.) We're
trying to build a picture of just how you fit in
our lives and vice versa. The problem is that if we
go too long without including the sexual piece of
that puzzle, we'll just give up on you and put the
puzzle away - and you along with it. Sure, we'll
still sleep with you, but you'll no longer have
access to our hearts and emotions.
The problem with this is that every guy's
"window" stays open for a different length of time
- and you can't possibly know how long that is!
After a month of dating, you may already be past
your guy's window! If he only sees you as a
potential bed partner now, you're never going to
get what you want with him. In effect, by trying to
artificially manipulate sex between you (assuming
you want to have sex with him in the first place)
you may have just shot yourself in the foot!
We have to get past all of this stigma
surrounding sex and start to see it as part of the
integration process with any healthy relationship.
Knowing if you're sexually compatible is a key
element to the survival of the relationship and by
holding off, you're simply telling him that you're
scared, unsophisticated and manipulative - not
strategic! Do you understand the difference?
More important, here you are trying to build a
strong emotional foundation for a future
relationship and to create all these complicated
emotions in him and then denying him the one thing
that would help him to internalize those emotions -
sex. Guess what will happen when he meets some
other women that knows better and actually sleeps
with him? Answer: he's going to take all those
emotions and invest them in HER, NOT YOU!
No man is going to opt for a sexless
relationship, leading to a sexless marriage. All
you're doing is proving to him that's what he can
expect with you.
For an obviously-smart girl, these are some
pretty dumb choices in my opinion!
Dating in Different
I was wondering through your research if you
found a significant difference in people from
different cultures when it comes to relationships?
As in their values and the way they see how
relationships should be. I'm particularly
interested in people who have been in North America
for a long time and grew up with the culture that
their parents/grandparents came here with and any
other relevant info would be appreciated.
Thanks for your time and expertise!
Actually, what I've found is that people all
over the world in different cultures actually have
the SAME values, wants, desires, needs - and go
about getting them in very similar ways.
When I wrote my first book, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World" I wasn't sure how it would translate
in different parts of the world. What I discovered
was that the principles apply regardless of where
the reader lives or is from. We have readers in 72
different countries, and constantly get feedback
from them about just how well the principles
Honestly, I was rather surprised when I
I will say however that while the foundations
are the same and even the way people are wired are
the same, we often use cultural bias as a way to
reach our goals and this can differ. One of the
best examples Ive come across is in the
letters I receive from India. I suspect this is due
to the impact of Bollywood however.
If you watch movies that come from the Indian
entertainment industry, they are very flowery and
symbolic. Likewise, many of the letters Im
getting from men and women in this culture take an
equally flowery and symbolic approach to love and
relationships. This is especially challenging since
these people want an equally symbolic way to handle
This, by the way is another important part of
the puzzle. Our media have a lot to do with many of
our biases; sometimes far more than we want to
Should I Contact Her
So a week ago I met this girl. She was an old
high school friend of a new student in my
department that I don't know well yet. Anyway, I
had a great time chatting with this girl. We had
lived in/traveled to similar places, had similar
complaints about the local traffic, and so on. It
seemed like we had a lot to talk about. At one
point, she complained that she felt there weren't
many people our age in the city and she was having
trouble meeting them. I somewhat read this as an
invitation to ask her out.
Anyway, when it looked like the event was
breaking, I realized if I didn't get her number
fast I may never get a chance to. So I told her,
"Hey, I had a lot of fun talking to you. Do you
want to hang out sometime?" It was a bit awkward,
but she did end up giving me her number. Afterward,
I was a bit stunned with the situation. I'm usually
much more subtle when I get a girl's number (i.e.
we talk about a shared interest and decide we
should do something together), so I wasn't used to
so overtly asking a girl out. It also sank in that
this girl was totally gorgeous and interesting, and
I had basically lucked out big time in even getting
I called her the next day intending on setting
up a date for sometime that week, but I came off
really nervous and the conversation was pretty
awkward. When I asked her if she wanted to get some
coffee or dinner, she said maybe. When I tried to
get her to tell me a time that was good for her,
she said she was pretty busy because she was going
out of town in a couple weeks. The conversation
ended shortly after that, and I didn't really feel
so great about the situation.
The day later, I found her on the Facebook and
tried to friend her, but she still hasn't accepted
Anyway, it's been about a week since I tried
asking her out, and I haven't contacted her since.
I thought this girl was really interesting, but
maybe I liked her so much it's made me more nervous
than I expect myself to be in these situations.
Even if she isn't interested in dating me, I would
still very much like to be this girl's friend.
Should I try contacting her again, or has she given
me enough "not interested vibes" that I should just
move on and use my energy more productively? If I
do contact her again, what would be the best medium
(phone/text/e-mail) and how direct should I be
about me intentions with her (i.e. still would like
to be her friend if she isn't attracted to me)?
First off, I suggest you contact her one more
time. I'll explain how in a minute, but first I
want to talk about your approach and close.
You did many things right here. That's important
- you had a conversation with her, you determined
commonality and even got her to open up about not
meeting guys her own age. These are all signs of
Now, what most guys do is they get this far and
they never bother to close. That is, ask for
digits, a date, sex, or whatever it is that they
want. One important note: closing someone you just
meet for digits, dates or sex requires different
types of approaches. My point was simply that many
guys will go through all of this never to pull the
The first mistake (at least that I can see) was
that you ASKED her rather than telling her for the
things you want. That is a mistake.
You said, "Do you want to hang out sometime?"
rather than saying "Let's get together sometime.
Here, write down your number on this paper..."
The difference is subtle, but oh-so important!
Always TELL a woman what you want her to do. Don't
The next mistake you made was trying to hold a
date on the phone rather than using simply to SET a
date. You want to use the same technique right
through the phone call. When you contacted her you
only want to to chit-chat for 2-3 minutes maximum.
You recount something you talked about during your
first meeting (approach) and then get right back to
the close - telling her what you want her to
The reason for this is psychological. Here's an
important rule I want you to memorize: women want
to date "up". That is, they want to date men that
they percieve have more power than they do. What
that power is isn't important, as long as they
sense it. When you ask someone to do something,
you're telling them that they are in control - and
giving away your power.
Also important is the fact that when you ask,
you give her the option of saying "no". She didn't
tell you specifically "no", but misdirected you
instead with that crap about being "busy". Sure,
we're all busy, but she's already told you that her
problem wasn't being busy, it's meeting guys.
Ok, so here's what you do next:
Call her up (NEVER use text or email to set a
date!) either today or tomorrow (you don't want to
wait too long, or you'll have to wait until she
gets back from her trip.) *IF* she answers (which
frankly, is unlikely) say, "Hey, its me..."
and ask her how she's doing. Next say, "I only have
a minute. Let's have a drink on Wednesday at 8.
I'll pick you up so write it down." (or whenever,
wherever) Only plan to take a minute or so on the
phone. Not only will this help you get past your
nervousness but it'll have her off-balance.
Now, she may say no and give you some excuse or
try to beg off. You can try one more thing. Just
say, "You're the one complaining that you can't
meet anyone, and now I see why! Just clear your
calendar and let's meet." She may still give you an
excuse and if so, just say, "Nice to meet you",
hang up and move on. On the other hand, you might
actually be able to set up this date.
The bottom line is that you need to totally
ignore her not-interested vibes and just go for
what YOU want. If you're really committed to doing
this, it's like panty-grease to women. Trust
As to being her friend, don't you do it!!!
You're just going to shoot yourself in the foot and
crack your head against the wall at the same time.
Go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch
the short video on "friends" under BAM TV. This
will explain to you why this is such a bad
Approaching the Girl
Hi Dr. Neder,
I'm trying to approach and meet a girl I see
frequently on the way to work in the morning at the
train station. What is the best approach and what
do I say at first to get her trust and
Please let me know what you think.
The "best" approach is one that has context.
Context is simply what you and she have in common
at that very moment at the place you meet.
Obviously, you both take the train and something
about that mode of travel might be something you
can use for a context approach. Where she gets off,
or on the train might be something you can use. The
fact that you live in the same or near-by cities
can be context for an approach.
If all else fails you can even use some cocky
humor as an approach. For instance, you might walk
up to her and say, "Ok, I see you on this train
every day. Are you stalking me or something?" This
will get her laughing.
The point of the ice breaker isn't to make you
sound like a suave, clever guy. In fact, in any
approach, you want to take advantage of the fact
that women *love* to talk and the vast majority of
the (short) conversation should be from her! Trust
me on this one: the more she talks, the better a
conversationalist you'll come off as!
You don't even need context to approach someone.
It just helps to make it easier. I once approached
a girl I found in a park with this:
I walked up to her and said, "Hey, you know
what? You kinda remind me of the person that killed
my parents." Her eye got really big as she stared
and me and said, "Whaaaa???" I then said, "I'm only
kidding. Actually, I killed my parents." Then
without even blinking an eye I sat down next to her
and started a conversation, got her number and
started dating her.
Remember Al, you're not trying to build trust or
interest. In fact, these goals will work against
you. You need to believe that you are the greatest
guy she's going to meet this year and simply act
like it. The interest and trust will come of her
Now, go meet her already and get her
I am a college sophomore and diabetic and I'm in
a relationship with a freshman. I am a virgin but
my girlfriend is not. I've told her that I'm not
bothered by what happened in her past.
We've tried to have sex on two occasions. The
first time I was extremely drunk and we both pretty
much knew that nothing was going to happen. Our
second attempt things just went all to hell. I
don't know what the problem is, but I went soft
right before I tried to enter her. I'm fine up
until I start putting a condom on and
then...nothing. It's terribly frustrating because I
don't know how to explain it.
I masturbate often (not excessively though) and
I've never had any problems staying hard, so I have
no idea what the issue is. It's really bothering me
because my girlfriend feels like it is her fault;
that somehow I don't find her sexually attractive
and that's why I can't stay hard. That is as far
from the truth as possible, and I've told her this
but I don't think she truly believes it.
What could the problem be? Is it simply nerves
because I've never had sex before or might it be a
bigger issue like Erectile Dysfunction
(ED)? I know diabetics can sometimes be
prone to getting ED, but Im only 20 years old
so that wouldn't make much sense. I'm extremely
frustrated because I want to have sex with this
girl, i haven't rushed in making that decision but
now Im utterly unable to accomplish anything.
It's horribly embarrassing and this has only
happened twice. I don't know what to do. Should i
consult my doctor or should I just try harder next
time, even though I don't know what else I could
No, I don't think you need to talk to a doctor.
This isn't ED and it's not that odd or weird
Ben, here's the reality: this has nothing to do
with your sexual attraction for your girlfriend.
The real problem is that sex is very complicated.
You don't have a natural instinct toward sex like
animals do. Humans are complicated emotional
creatures and there are tons of things that go into
human sexual response whether you're a man or a
woman. In effect, you have to LEARN how to be
sexual with someone else.
You see, all this time you've been practicing
being sexual by yourself. Your mind has learned
that's how sex works; and by the way, this is also
perfectly natural. At the same time, you've spent
your entire life practicing being non-sexual around
others. This is because it's not socially
acceptable to go over and hump every chick that
strikes your interests. Your body is merely
responding to years upon years of conditioning.
Once you start practicing being sexual with your
girlfriend, your body will learn this and react
appropriately. Trust me, it WILL do this! Don't
fret about it - it's all completely normal and
you're going to be fine.
What I suggest is that you and she take an
entire afternoon and evening the next time you have
sex. You have to plan this however - sex isn't
spontaneous when you're first starting out. Let
things build up over time. Eat a meal in bed and
make it a game. Feed each other; eat food off of
each others bodies, etc. Have fun!
I'd also suggest you abstain from masturbating
for a week before this. Trust me; if you can stand
the tension of that afternoon and evening, you're
going to be ready without hesitation by the time
the condom goes on.
Once you relearn how to be a sexual person with
someone else, you'll find that sex becomes
spontaneous and that your reactions are natural -
and you'll stay hard without any trouble at
Those Hot Women!
I was really hoping to find a female in this
category to get their input, but it seems to me
that the more attractive women (ridiculously
gorgeous) will always treat the guy they are dating
like crap. My friend claims always to have that
problem and feels the need to dump them. What do
you think? It can't be as simple as that these
women can pretty much get what they want so they
always push their luck?
I know exactly what you're saying here. Yes, it
SEEMS like that to us guys because we're looking at
it from our own perspectives - our own needs.
Consider this: if you tried to pull some of this
crap with your buddies; what would happen? They'd
start by questioning your manhood and eventually
just dump you as a friend. That's because it's not
only unreasonable, it's rude.
However, we guys tend to put up with it from
beautiful women! That's a tragic mistake
Men and women bring different assets to the
table. It's not exactly "fair", but it is the
reality of life. Women bring their looks (and if
you're smart) their skills. Frankly, very few guys
worry about the latter and focus on the former. Men
on the other hand bring their power which
translates outwardly in many different ways - the
way our friends treat us, our earning power, our
"prestige" and many other ways.
What's particularly unfair about this is that as
you get older, your power-base continues to grow.
With women, their attributes fade over time. A "10"
in her 20's will drop to a "5" or a "6" in her
40's. She knows that and has to work quickly to
hook a guy that is a "10" in her eyes as early as
possible. That's not my rule by the way - it was
here when I arrived! It's also one of the main
reasons that younger women are fascinated with
Here's why beautiful women act this way: they're
giving you what I call the "Pre-Test". It's a
chance for them to see if your power-level is
above, at, or below theirs. Since beautiful women
have a much higher asset-value than their
less-attractive girlfriends, they want you to bring
a much higher power-base with you. All of these
challenges are about proving that's who you
Here's an interesting aside to this discussion:
many less-attractive women mistakenly think that by
challenging you in similar ways, they will appear
more attractive! Women even talk about how "men
want a challenge". They are totally wrong however.
If their looks don't match their challenges, we'll
just dump them entirely and move on as being too
much maintenance - which they are.
Thus, it's imperative that you establish that
power-base immediately from the moment you approach
a woman. There are many ways to do this from using
a cocky-funny type approach to neg-hits (like "Hey,
those are nice shoes, my grandmother has a pair
just like them!") to an aire of disinterest. You
also need to call on these tools as the
relationship matures because she's going to Test
you far more often - and for far longer than a
You know that women go for "jerks" right? This
is one of the most important reasons why they do
so! An apparent jerk seems to move in his own
direction at his own speed. This signals power.
Likewise, women (not men!) want a challenge, and
the challenge of taming the "bad boy" is just too
All women will give all men they are interested
THE Test. This is a big, emotional - and artificial
- situation created early-on in the relationship
(usually within a month, but no more than two) that
is designed to specifically and clearly establish
the power-base within the relationship. Most guys;
being the problem-solvers that we are, will try to
deal with the issue of The Test - not handle it as
a Test. This means we've failed - and lost our
power-base to boot.
The wise dude will always deal directly and
specifically with The Test as a Test instead; thus,
firmly establishing a greater power relationship
with the woman.
This is somewhat complicated at first to grasp,
and I've only scratched the scratch of this
important topic. I encourage you to read my books
"Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" for
complete understanding of The Test, the Mini-Test
and the Pre-Test.
The bottom line is this: don't fault beauties
for using these tools. Women have evolved over the
millennia to have these (and frankly, many more)
tools to establish their own places in
relationships. Instead, learn them and more
important; learn how to deal with them, and you'll
have some incredible, beautiful women that fall in
love with you all the time.
That's what these women really want. If you can
pass their Tests easily, they feel safe, secure and
will give you just as much love and respect as
women of lesser looks.
What is the best way to deal with rejection (in
all forms and scales) when interacting with women?
I think if anyone (male or female) can master this
one area they would be able to attract much more
meaningful relationships into their lives. I see
the reaction to rejection as the best window of
insight of a person's true self. If you could give
me some light in the area of dealing with rejection
from women I would be most enlightened :)
In any battle, I always recommend that you begin
with superior firepower. If she brings a slingshot,
bring a sword. If she brings a handgun, bring a
shotgun. If she brings an Uzi, have a Sherman tank
at the ready. Landmind? Cruise-missle.
First of all, what exactly do you mean by
"rejection". Here's the reality: women will rarely
out-right reject you! In fact, women are far, far
more likely to redirect you instead. Men too by the
"Let's just be friends" or "I don't see you that
way" or not answering the phone are examples of
this. Very few women are just going to say "No, I'm
not interested." In fact, I wish that weren't the
case. It'd be so much easier if women WOULD just
plain reject you!
On the flip side, there is so much you can to do
NOT get any form of rejection anyway. Consider that
your approach is everything. From getting digits to
setting the first date to converting to sex and
relationships, every aspect of this game has rules
and you can use to move things forward.
Interestingly, women respond very well to these
things too. I've seen guys that would otherwise
never get the time of day start long-term
relationships with girls you'd consider out of
their leagues and so have you.
I agee with you on this: if anyone could get
over their fear of rejection they'd never have to
worry about it and would start getting out there
and meeting great partners. Most guys (and even
girls!) actually fill their minds with this useless
belief and it stiffles them from actually meeting
With many people, this is where I have to start
- fixing their mistaken belief that people will
actually reject them. That's not always easy to do
for some people because they've built it up into
something that they actually believe they've
"earned". No shit! It's very difficult to get some
guys to understand that no, they didn't earn it,
they've simply manifested it through their own
minds, seeing and believing something that just
Here's a great little trick I teach my students
to get past this fear. It's call the "20 no's".
I give my fearful students the task of going out
over the next 2 weeks and actually meeting enough
women to get 20 no's from them. Some of them
actually laugh and say, "Well, that's not going to
take me 2 weeks!"
Then, they come back as changed men. Here's why:
as special as you are Jim - or any guy is - you're
not so special as to fail every single time! Thus,
even if you totally blow it, you're still going to
walk away with 5-7 phone numbers!
Now, what do you think is going to happen to
your self-image if you have 5 phone numbers you
need to call back next weekend for your first
Compromise to Get Him
Back or Bolt?
I've been dating a guy for 6 months. We were
inseparable we spend loads of time together. We get
along fantastic our families love each other. There
is one big problem. I had to move back to the town
I'm from which is where he lives. I noticed that he
didn't want me in his home when he isn't home.
He stated that he trusted me just not used to
being in a relationship seriously with someone.
Says I'm his first real relationship and he doesn't
want anyone snooping through his things. (an insult
at best) So when I stay over and he leaves 5 or 6
am sometimes on the weekends I have to get up and
I needed to stay with him for a week before my
apartment was ready and I had to wait for him to
come home from work before I got indoors. Some
nights I was in school so it was ok, but as you
should know it took a toll on me. I finally moved
into my own place.
The last straw was when I spent the night over
he didn't have to work but woke me up in the cold
and rain to take him to the Laundromat. He knows he
can drive my car to do something like that but he
wanted me to come because of his issues. I have let
this man use my car to visit his sick mom in the
hospital but had to stop because of his unfairness.
I feel bad but my car has nothing to do with him
seeing his mom.
Anyway once I took him to the Laundromat I got
so pissed at him (add the cold rain and me looking
a mess early in the morning) that I left. Then I
thought about it and went back to get him. He was
upset and said someone else was going to pick him
up. I met him at the house and asked for my things,
but he ignored me. The next week I told him I just
wanted my spare remote car key. He stated "I don't
understand you I've been working hard to give you a
good x-mas and you do this!" I know its true
because he always buys me gifts and already started
x-mas shopping for me.
I responded that I love the gifts but my dignity
and self respect means more to me. He said he'd
give it to me on 12/09 his next day off. On Monday
12/8 I got a text from him saying that he can't
give me the key on the 9th it has to be the 14
because he has to work, which is crap because we're
together all the time work or no work. I suggested
the mail once but I just let it go and told him
whenever he's ready is fine.
I feel so deeply for him but I feel undignified
when made to leave his house it is such a big
inconvenience for me. I don't need a key and full
access. I respect his privacy but I have to respect
myself. I'm prepared to break up but I don't want
I know exactly why he's doing this.
There are a few so-called "experts" that
recommend this very specific thing. He's been
listening to their "advice" and doesn't realize
that for them, it's about entertainment - NOT
practical life coaching. These entertainers (and
one in particular) use this shtick to address their
target markets and do so extremely well, I might
add. The problem is that it's just that: shtick.
Many guys don't get that and actually buy into it
I have to chuckle a little about this however.
No offense, but let's be absolutely realistic here:
over time, if you absolutely knew that you wouldn't
be caught and especially considering your current
insecurities (probably somewhat reasonable, I might
add), wouldn't you snoop a little?
Of course you would. Every woman would; so at
least on that front, he's right. My bigger concern
is with his need for absolutely privacy - and his
unreasonable demands to get it.
Here's what you need to do: Sit him down and
have a talk about this. Explain to him that in
order for your relationship to grow (rather than
decline) he's going to have to get over this fear.
Yes, you understand it and you're not going to
discuss whether it's reasonable or not; simply that
normal, healthy couples don't have these sorts of
issues between them. You want to have a normal,
healthy, mature relationship and none of these
expectations on his part are any of that. What that
ultimately translates to is that if you and he
can't come to an understanding about this, you're
going to have to find someone else that wants the
same things you do.
Remember: you're not his counselor, you're his
girlfriend. You're not here to make up for his past
insecurities or whether his mommy hugged him too
little or too much. He's an adult now and has to
deal with adult things if he wants an adult life.
You can't make him do this, but he needs to open
his eyes about it and realize what he loses - and
will continue to lose - if he doesn't get this
If he can't do that, you're going to need to
reconsider what you want and if you can get it
through this relationship.
If you might even show him this letter from an
unbiased (huh?) third party if you think it'll open
his eyes a little wider.
Many, Many Mixed
I first met this guy through mutual friends
about 2 months ago. The second time we all hung out
during 4th of July in which case, he instantly
showed me interest and invited me to another party.
We flirted heavily and had a good time until 4 am.
When we parted he invited me to hang out with him
the next night however I declined because I didn't
want to make myself too available and I didn't
offer my number.
After a week I couldn't stop thinking about him
so I got his number from a mutual friend and asked
him out. He didn't answer so I left a message and
he text me back the next morning saying he's busy
with work functions but maybe we can hang out this
weekend, that he would call me. He never called
I then ran into him a couple weeks later, he was
very friendly and invited me to hang out with him
and our friends who were having a brunch cocktail
party on a Sat. Again, I didn't want to make myself
too available so I left it at a maybe. I showed up,
we flirted, made eye contact and after a couple
drinks we were dancing and all over each other. We
then parted from our social circle and he took me
out to dinner. During dinner I made a false comment
that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship
and I just wanted to be casual and free. Afterwards
he invited me to come back to his place, which case
I did and we were intimate. The next morning, it
wasn't too awkward however when we parted I was
really nervous I just said a good bye with a hug
and he just said I'll talk to you later.
He never called me afterwards. I text him 4 days
later that I had a great time and it would be nice
to see him again soon and asked him what his plans
were that weekend. He text me right back and said
he had fun too, but he had a friend visiting from
out of town and he would call me soon for sure. I
ran into him that weekend and he did indeed have a
visitor and he acted pretty normal but neither of
us said anything about getting together. He still
hasn't called me now.
This whole time he has not called me on his own,
although he responds right away when I contact him
but doesn't set a date. Maybe he's not that into me
or he's not emotionally available? He told me he
has been single for 2 years from a serious 3 1/2
year relationship with a bad breakup. There's been
some miscommunication between us, but for the most
part if a guy is interested he would make the
effort to call and set a date with a girl right?
Should I just drop it and let it go?
Hey! Great job on becoming the booty-call! If
that was your goal, you played it just right. Good
Oh, wait. What's that you're saying? You didn't
want to be the booty-call, you wanted more? Oh,
sorry. That's too bad. Game over.
Where in the hell did you learn all this
ridiculous misdirection from? Do you honestly think
that lying about your interests, saying "no" when
you mean "yes", not being available when he wants
to meet you is anything other than stupidity?
Well, obviously not. You seem to think this is
good "relationship building". You, my dear are
sadly, sadly mistaken.
You're actually blaming HIM for not being
"emotionally available" and "not that into you"???
Are you seriously telling me that you don't know
that YOU are the sole and exclusive cause of his
behavior toward you???? I'm sitting here just
shaking my head in disbelief.
He DID make the efforts and you ignored them for
your game instead.
You got EXACTLY what you asked for. I just wish
you had asked instead for what you really
Going From Non-Sexual
Dear Dr. Neder:
I'm 33 years old and I was a virgin up until a
few weeks ago. I was waiting to meet the right
girl, and I finally did. But when I slept with her,
I couldn't cum. In fact, I had trouble getting a
full erection at all, and then I couldn't keep it
the one time I did.
My girlfriend is hot, and she even tried oral.
It felt great for a while, but then I started
getting a little bored when she stopped licking the
I was getting sick that weekend, but this has
happened to us before. My girlfriend says its okay,
but I know she's really disappointed, and I think
she might dump me.
Help, what do I do?!
Actually, I'm not surprised by this difficulty
at all. Here's the problem: you've spend the first
31 years of your life NOT being sexual with girls
until now, you finally have to perform.
I've seen this happen many times and I'm afraid
it's a terrible mistake! Waiting around for the
right girl simple programs your mind to not be the
otherwise sexual person you were born to be and now
you have to un-program your mind and you're going
to have to do it quickly! She's not going to wait
around for another 31 years while you reverse this
ridiculous education you've created for
I'm gong to help you here, but I'm not done
lecturing you yet... ;)
People have all sorts of crazy (frankly, stupid)
reasons for doing these things: religion,
emotionality, feminine bias, lack of opportunity
created, etc., etc. The problem is that they all
deny the foundational wiring built right into each
of us. Now, because of whatever reasoning you used,
your partner is suffering. That's a very poor
choice and as a first step to getting this solved,
you need to change your way of thinking about all
As another problem, you claim you found the
"right one". Of course, you've never been with
someone like her before and thus, you don't even
know if this is true! You can only hope - not
That puts one hell of a lot of pressure on you
to perform! You don't just flip a switch and become
a sexual person - you practice it your entire life.
What have you been practicing???
Yet another problem: your sexual experience has
been with the palm of your hand, not something so
soft as your lover's mouth or pussy. Yet MORE
practice of the wrong ilk!
So, you see, with all of this combined, you have
a lot to unlearn here.
Let's start with this: NO MORE masturbation for
awhile. You need to let that sexual tension build
up in you so that your partner has something to
work with. Once you get this solved, you can go
back to jerking off if you want to, but give it
Second, you're going to have to work on building
your own personal sexuality (something you've
avoided now for 31 years). You need to teach your
mind to sexualize women. (I can hear the gasps from
all the way over here!) Yes, that's exactly what I
mean - you need to start seeing your partner as a
sexual object - a sexual person. You subconscious
mind doesn't equate her with sex because you're
putting far too much onus on her as the "perfect
Unfortunately, she's really not and you've got
to see that. She's just a woman like any other. She
may have attributes you prefer but that's a very
different thing from being "perfect".
As you begin to make headway into this new path
for yourself, you're going to find that you also
start growing your sexuality and thus, your
response to your partner. Frankly, you have a lot
of work to do here but these difficulties are
entirely self-inflicted. It's time to
un-self-inflict them and come the healthy, sexual
person you were born to be. You deserve this, but
even more your partner deserves this.
This Guy is too Damn
Dear Dr. Neder:
I am 22 and the guy I am writing about is 35.
The age difference doesn't bother me at all but the
fact he treats me like a princess does. I have
always been attracted to the bad boy type so really
I am not sure why I was even attracted to this guy.
He is an amazing guy but there is something wrong
with me I think.
He takes me out anywhere I want, buys me what I
want, takes me to get my nails done, waits on my
hand and foot, will pretty much do whatever I say.
To be honest with you I don't treat him well at all
and I told him straight out I was not his
girlfriend but rather just a friend and I say no to
him when he tries to do things for me but he
doesn't take no for an answer.
He always wants to take me out and I say to him
that I do not want to lead him on and he says to me
he doesn't care he just wants to be with me. I told
him I wasn't the type to use someone but he just
doesn't care I guess. He says he likes the looks
other guys give him and the comments guys say to
him when we are together but it's starting to creep
me out. I don't kiss him nor have ever done
Is this guy a freak or what? What the heck
should I do?!?!? He is starting to annoy me!
Yes, I fully understand what you're going
through. Do you have any idea how many letters I
get A DAY from women in your exact same position?
Trust me, it's a ton.
The unfortunate reality is that so many men
never learned how to be men. They actually believe
that by catering to your ever whim, being sensitive
to your every wish and giving of themselves in
every way possible that you'll fall in love with
What he doesn't understand is that this will
never happen. Instead, you simply lose respect for
him, feel insecure around him and will never feel
love for him at all.
This is a problem I deal with every single week
on my show. It's a damn tragedy because if he
learned how to be a real man around you, he might
have had a chance.
I understand that chance is now gone. The thing
he doesn't get is for you to feel love, you first
have to feel safe and secure. You'll never feel
that with anyone that simply lies down and lets you
walk all over him. Maybe you need to give him a
copy of this letter, and send him to my website
for some re-education.
Ultimately, this is his own fault, but the
reality is that men have almost no roll models any
more. They don't know how to act, so they use old,
sappy, romantic movies, plays, books, etc., as
These come from a time when men HAD good roll
models and combining these emotional elements with
powerful masculine energies DID work. Those times
are gone however. Add to this that so many men are
growing up today without fathers (or father
figures) and you begin to see that the cause isn't
their fault. However, staying that way IS their
As to what you should do, you need to get rid of
this guy. He's not helping you or your self image
one bit. In fact, he's hurting you. He's not going
to be able to just flip a switch and turn on the
masculinity that you need - that's going to take a
long process of unlearning what he thinks he knows
now and relearning what he needs to know. End this.
Set him free so he can learn what he needs and you
can go find someone that already knows these things
for yourself. Best regards...
The Bureaucrat and the
Five years ago, I hired this bright, good
looking employee. She delivered her results well,
and soon moved to an assistant manager position
through department assessments.
All through, I heard of her 'negativity' and
'attitude', from female managers, and felt this may
be female rivalry over her quick ascent and no help
she's getting. I held a one-on-one session with her
to provide her the feedback and suggest corrective
action she could take. She assured me of actions,
and also thanked me for the constructive criticism
A few months later, I left that company and
moved. That's when it started - calls seeking
professional guidance and help, then courtesy calls
etc, since she claimed the managers in office were
after her job, and asked if I could hire her. Long
and short of it was, I hired her into my new
company, even though I was cautioned about her
attitude by the HR manager.
Regardless, she was soon moving up, though now
she started some controlling behavior with me - at
times contradicting me etc. I did not really care
much, because I'm as it is quite a dry, tough
manager and I found her ability to tell me honestly
why she doesn't agree with me helpful.
We work well together, however our relationship
is now much worse - she says she loves me, and
treats me in blow hot-blow cold ways. A few months
ago, at an office party, she asked me to drop her
home, and on the way, we had wonderful sex at her
After a few months of glorious adolescent sex,
we both mutually agreed to hold off on sex. Her
behavior towards me became even worse while she
continued to excel on all work requirements. She
became quite autocratic, even snapping at me a few
times in public.
People started talking, and so I left that
company too, and moved to another city. However,
the relationship (??) continued - she calls
constantly and says I'm the one she loves, though
she is sleeping with a guy who was her live-in
partner earlier, and is now back. She says she
doesn't want him, but me, and at times blows up at
me and soon after calls me with apologies and says
she is inordinately stressed out.
I looked inside myself, and realized I do love
her, but her dismissive treatment to me, made me
wonder if this is just a fantasy, and if it had any
chances of working out. To settle my discomfort,
and to help her with her career potential, I flew
down to meet and talk to her, and set the focus
However, she avoided meeting me on the 3 days I
was there, claiming she was caught up in work.
After I left, she called me late at night, to
apologize and restated that she loved me. Not only
that, she insists on 'helping' me by giving my
number to headhunters.
This is driving me nuts - I genuinely care about
her professional and personal development and for
the loyalty she's shown me. However, a mentoring
relationship has tuned sour, and I do not want
either of us to be harmed. We both are in a
negative and destructive pattern, and I need advice
and help with this.
Is it better for me to break off cruelly and
completely? Does she really love me - with all the
blow hot, blow cold talk and actions - as I do not
have anyone in my life? More importantly, how can I
help her in a constructive way, so that both of us
can move ahead? Thanks!
Something you probably don't know is that her
abusive reactions to you personally and
professionally were very likely due to you being a
bureaucrat instead of bringing strong, masculine
(sexual) energy to your relationship with her.
Frankly, this is a pretty common reaction. It
takes a number of forms such as the one you're
experiencing, nagging, constant challenges and a
thing I call "The Test", but whatever the result,
we can usually track it right back to the lack of
The one thing I don't see here is what you want.
You've told me all the facts in a rather cold,
specific, bureaucratic way, but I don't see you or
your wants in here at all.
This is also exactly what she's reacting to. You
seem willing to run away from the problems rather
than confronting them head-on and dealing with them
from the point of your own needs.
If you want to build something with her show
some emotion already! Give her something to work
with, but be comfortable directing whatever that
is. You don't have to run your relationship like a
department. You can craft it to fit exactly what
you want by giving her what she needs. That
masculine energy I spoke of early is exactly
First, you decide exactly what you want and then
you tell her so. This is your right - and position
- as the male in the relationship. Do you know the
difference between discipline and punishment? If
not, go look them up. The subtle difference is an
important key here. She wants you to structure
things and "correct" those that don't match your
clear, specific goals for your relationship with
her. The reason for this is simple: women want to
feel love, but in order to feel love they have to
first feel safe and secure.
Bureaucracy is cold, but leadership is warm and
sometimes even fuzzy. On the other hand, if you're
goal is simply to solve this problem and move on,
you need to lay that on the line instead. Tell her
that you're no longer available to her and to stop
calling or texting or emailing or whatever. In
either case, know specifically what you want and be
clear about communicating it.
Going Too Fast, Going Too
Dear Dr. Neder,
What's a good way to enter into a sexual
relationship so that you don't go too fast or too
slow? Sometimes if the guy goes too fast it can be
really threatening to the woman (unless she likes
it of course.)
This is an excellent question!
The key is to not try to manipulate the
relationship to either move too fast OR too slow.
You have to let it happen on it's own at its own
You also need to realize that for men; contrary
to the way most women work, we need to get past the
physical in order to get to the emotional elements.
Until that happens, we never get there! If that
doesn't happen within our "window of opportunity"
it'll close and you'll NEVER have access to our
Women want the emotional connection first
however, so we guys have evolved all sorts of
systems in order to make you think we're on the
same page with you when in fact, we're not.
The answer then is for women to evolve too. You
need to work on growing your sexuality so that you
are able to manage the balance between the physical
and emotional better. In fact, women control sex
whereas men control the relationship itself. It's
an interesting balance if you think about it: women
want the relationship controlled by men and men
want the sex controlled by women!
The biggest problem that I see is women assuming
that everyone works the same way you do. Men do
not. Thus, you'll often hold off the exact thing
you'd need in order to connect with the man you
want only to find that he bangs you and leaves!
If you work on your sexuality - embracing it and
seeing it for the benefit that it is - the timing
of it comes more quickly and easily for you. You
don't need to try to manipulate the relationship
artificially in order to get what you want. You can
get what you want and GIVE what you want at the
same time. In effect, both people benefit directly!
This isn't threatening at all in this case.
Seth Rogan - Male Roll
Maybe you'd be surprised at the number of letter I
get from women that begin, "I recently met this
really cute guy." and end with "How do I get him to
ask me out?"
And then again, maybe you wouldn't; particularly
if you're a woman.
It seems that today's man is all but devoid of
basic manly knowledge; how to approach women, how
to build rapport and connection, how to get digits,
dates and sex, how to build and manage
relationships, and in general, how to be a man.
Women are all too aware of this fact too! They
constantly ask me why men just become their friends
and while seeming to be interested in more, do
nothing to make something happen.
In fact, there's an easy answer to this: I call
it the "Seth Rogan factor". It's unfortunate, but
the only roll models modern men seem to have are
the man-children of the movies and TV. These guys
are bumblers, fools, jackasses, cheaters, stalkers,
dolts and children. Some roll models!
"But really, Dr. Neder, are you saying that has
any affect on men?"
You bet I am! I'm seeing it every single day
from the tons of letters I get from readers of my
books and articles and viewers of my show, BAM! TV.
What I'm seeing most are men that simply don't know
how to approach women, build or deal with
relationships, handle conflicts, etc. If they
approach they don't know how to ask for what they
want. If they ask, they don't know how to move
things forward. If the woman hangs around waiting,
the guy eventually just stops everything because he
doesn't know what the next step should be.
But, far, far more common is the guy that simply
does nothing waiting for the woman to do all his
work for him.
This takes many forms. Here are a few
This is a little trick where the guy that
doesn't understand how women think, tries to
befriend her rather than going for what he really
wants. He hopes that be cozying up to her, she'll
see what a great guy he is, will fall in love with
him, do all his work for him and he won't have to
take any risks.
"The Lost Call"
This is where the guy; out of fear, a lack of a
plan or simple ignorance, sits on an opportunity
until it's too late. He waits weeks and then
realizes that she probably forgot about him (and
she likely did) and thus, does nothing hoping for
another opportunity in the future.
This is similar to "The Friend" above. He's too
afraid of rejection to actually ask for what he
wants (a real date), so he invites her to "hang
out" instead. This is low-risk since it sounds like
some friends getting together. In fact, he winds up
paying for everything just like a real date, but
doesn't move things forward. He waits for her to
kiss him (which she doesn't, because she knows it's
his job if this is more than just "hanging out")
and they both go home frustrated.
Most of our fathers grew up with solid,
masculine roll models. From characters and
politicians to sports heroes, they had models of
male behavior to work from - and so did women by
the way. It's unfortunate, that the roll models
most guys have today look far more like Seth Rogan
than John Wayne, and women; even more than men, are
suffering because of it.
Take a look at so much in popular media today as
an example. When you see male characters you hear
them talk not as men, but as women! The dialog they
get and even the situations presented are feminine
in nature. When you sit around talking to guys, you
never hear them speak like they do on TV or in the
When you look at classic male archetypes like
James Bond or even superheroes and compare them
between today and 20 years ago, a staggering fact
seems to come out: today's male archetype is more
bumbler and child that seems to accidently and
reluctantly become the winner than the man that
decides his direction and goes directly to make it
reality. Even sports heroes tend to be the guys
that create the most drama - not the ones with the
greatest abilities and skills.
Are there exceptions to this? Of course, but the
exceptions are far outweighed by the status
The New Roll Model
Can a few movies or TV shows really have this
sort of impact on the masculinity of an entire
generation? Well, consider this: advertisers know
the truth. If repeated viewing of a 30-second
commercial can sell you a product, what can
repeated viewing of 30- or 60- or 90-minute
lifestyles sell you? It's scary when you think
If guys are trying to find a model to emulate,
where do they go? It's becoming more evident that
they have to leave the realm of traditional media
and seek these other forms of entertainment. The
Internet and wireless tools (like phones) are a few
places to do this and you're finding that TV,
newspapers, magazines and cinema are losing
committed followers because of this new media. That
doesn't mean that these are devoid of bad examples
however. As these media grow in importance in our
culture, more main-stream programming is making its
way to them - right along with the negative
That means that the entertainment consumer has
to be educated to look for these messages, realize
what they stand for and to vote with their eyeballs
- and dollars - by demanding better masculine roll
models. This has to come not just from men however,
but from women too!
This is a major theme of my own show, "Being a
Man" (http://BeingAMan.tv) and is something I harp
on in every episode. It's very difficult to fight
the flood of bad examples with a few good ones, but
it needs to start somewhere.
Don't Women Deserve Better?
Every single day I hear from women that are
frustrated by the types of men they meet. They
honestly believe that great guys are out there, but
can't seem to find them. It's not that women help
here either - they are consumers of this same
entertainment and have a lot to do with programming
choices - but the ultimate responsibility lies with
We have to make better choices of our own to be
better men. This can start in any of a number of
ways including being careful about the programming
we choose to absorb, but it doesn't stop there.
Finding real roll models and promoting their
ideals to other guys is the beginning. Learning
solid, responsible masculine behavior is a big part
of the mission and every action, every choice,
every belief that moves us in that direction makes
us better men - for women.
Getting the Ex Back
I read one of your replies to a question and
thought your response was excellent. Could you
please could you help with this one?
I was in a relationship with my ex for just over
a year, when we first started dating. I was finding
it very hard to get her out on dates. She is a very
attractive girl, but also has many friends so I may
have been only seeing her one night a week for the
first 1-2 months. I am a very successful young man
with good looks and many people like me, but I was
not used to this treatment, any way after about 2
months I ended the relationship, because I felt
that we needed to spend more time together.
After a couple of weeks we got back together,
and she moved into my place, things carried on
pretty much how they were but we did get to spend
more time together, we did come from totally
different situations I was used to long term loving
relationships and she was used to being single for
years just having fun with her girlfriends. I know
at times I probably came across as needy but surely
relationships are about spending time together,
The next six months went ok, but I always felt
second best and this just used to grate on me, she
was very immature and often played games with me
leaving me in no-win situations, I could play the
games back but I just didn't want too.
About two months ago she went out on a Friday
night with her friends, I called her the next
morning to see if we could meet up and she said she
was hung-over and just wanted to stay in (she was
back living at her parents.) I said, "Well it would
be nice for you to want to see me at some point
over the weekend; maybe I'll see you Monday then."
Her reply was, "There you go again - having a go at
me!" So I just said "Let's just forget it!"
We didn't talk for a week, then I tried to
contact her and she wouldn't talk to me on the
phone and proceeded to just insult me by text! I
held my own telling her how bad and selfish she can
be at times. This went on for about 2 weeks
I thought I would leave her alone after that and
have had no contact for over a month but I do miss
her and want her back.
What shall I do?
Thanks for your comments on a previous
Here's something she's not telling you: she has
lost interest, but just isn't mature enough to tell
you so. So she's just hiding and trying to insult
you trying to make you go away. In effect, she's
too much of a coward, and frankly, a self-centered
bitch (sorry, it's true) to tell you exactly what
First of all, let's consider one question: do
you REALLY want her back, or do you just feel that
you've lost and you want another chance at winning
again. It appears that this girl is manipulative,
non-communicative, self-centered and a
You on the other hand seem to be a good guy that
is just looking for a good girl. What inside of you
would make you want to chance this sort of pain?
Just because she's attractive to you means very
little. There are TONS of attractive girls out
there and in fact, many of them are also great
human beings. From your description, this is not
something I'd ever say about your ex. Don't you
deserve better than her? I think you do.
Here's a rule about women: they want to date
"up". In other words, they want to believe that
they are lucky to be with a particular guy. Your ex
obviously doesn't feel lucky at all. She didn't
even give you the courtesy of a goodbye as though
she didn't owe you anything, and is even blaming
you for her own bad behavior.
In order to make her want to change her mind
(which you already know I think is a mistake), she
has to feel some loss. What are the odds of that,
do you think? As long as you're chasing her, they
are absolutely zero. She knows she can have you
whenever she wants, and thus, your "stock" is
Thus, the answer is to get out there and start
dating every short skirt you can find. She has to
feel that she's lost you or she won't have anything
to win back.
There is an added benefit for you however: you
get to see how women really are by dating other
ones. You get to see how they treat someone that
they care about and that cares about them. Your ex
is not a good example of this at all.
What would happen then if you find some terrific
woman that fits you in every other category that
you adore? Do you think you'll forget about "Ms.
It's-all-about-me"??? You bet you will.
Who is the "winner" then?
© 2009, Dr. Dennis W.
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