|
|
DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions
from a man’s perspective. So, set your ego aside, learn
to laugh at yourself, and e-mail him at doclove@doclove.com
or call 800.404.2644 and he will give you a snappy answer to
your silly love question – one loaded with truth. You
do what he says, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When
he gets done with you, you will need more security than
Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, he promises
not to use your real name, or give it out. All questions
will be answered, but only the ones of general interest
printed. Please be specific and don’t ramble.
Did Jude Flip Out when Siena Dumped
Him?
Did the Girls Dig Harrison
Ford when He was Broke and Unknown?
Does Bruce Willis make Dates by
E-mail?
Does Demi ever get Jealous of Ashton's
Female Buddies?
Does George Clooney ever tell His
Dates that he Sucked at Football?
Does Hef ever have to Protect his
Heart?
Does J-Lo ever Feel like the "Other
Woman?"
How did Sinatra Handle the Married
Ones?
How does Diddy Handle Her when She
Blows Hot and Cold?
Will Jennifer's Next Husband be
Jealous of Brad?
Would Hugh Grant ever Tell Her All
About His Past?
Would it have Helped Kenny Chesney
if he Flirted with Other Girls?
Would Mickey Rourke buy Mischa
Barton's Story?
Would You Dump Salma Hayek if She
Called to Say "Hi"?
Does J-Lo ever Feel like the "Other
Woman?"
Hey Doc,
I always read your articles and like the way you tell it. I have a unique problem and can’t find a similar situation among my friends or in your literature. I went through a very hard time with my marriage, and stuck out 10 years before realizing it was going to kill me if I stayed. I am a doctor, and have never considered having an affair. At the end of my marriage I became good friends with a nurse, Mona, who was also getting a divorce. We were supportive of each other, and agreed to keep it on a platonic level. But when I made the decision to proceed with my divorce, she confessed she loved me, and I also had to admit I had very strong feelings toward her, and we looked forward to the day when we could have a romantic relationship.
During the final stages of the divorce, we began dating and did some couple-type behavior -- hugging, kissing, and holding hands. Then, all of a sudden, she stopped returning calls. The few times I was able to talk to her she was vague and distant and finally said that she wanted space. She let me know that she felt like she was “the other woman” and that she didn’t want to feel that my divorce was because of her. I know that this was very distressing to her because her husband had cheated on her constantly, and for her to feel the stigma of being the other woman really affected her.
I did what most men mistakenly do -- gave presents, begged her to talk, sent her long love letters. I even fooled myself into thinking that she just wanted to keep a distance until the ink was dry on the divorce papers.
But then I found out that she started seeing someone else. She claimed she still loved me, though. Initially I reacted with anger, but after several days I cooled down enough to let her know that we had meant a lot to each other and if she wanted to try and salvage our friendship I would be willing to talk to her.
I didn’t hear from her for two months, and since I needed some sort of closure I e-mailed her to tell her to stay away from me and not contact me anymore. Well, she answered me, and we started talking again and then became friends again.
We talk on the phone for a couple hours every day now, and when we’re together we hold hands and cuddle. She will not kiss or have any intimacy beyond this and still says that she only wants friendship. I am getting very mixed signals, and have never heard of a woman doing these things but only wanting to be friends. She’s not interested in seeing anyone else, and I am the only “man” in her life right now.
Doc, I don’t know whether to hang in and hope that things will change or take the approach of acting disinterested to see if this will perk up her Interest Level and make her realize that I am a good catch.
I really love this woman, but don’t like what I have now and am very frustrated. I certainly don’t want to ruin any chance of a relationship with Mona if I can help it. I know that as of right now I do not have that relationship, but Mona is clearly showing interest and getting something from the coziness we have now. I am very confused and feel powerless. Your advice would be helpful.
Drew - who needs to break the impasse
Hi Drew,
First of all, I want to commend you for staying in your marriage for as long as you did. When it was all over you wanted to say, “I was going for ‘forever’ like I promised at the altar. I did my best to make the long haul, and I didn’t just say ‘I do’ to fool around with this girl for 10 years.” But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Some women can kill you without a knife.”
When you hooked up with Mona, you should have realized right off the bat that you were dealing with two people who were seriously on the rebound and not really available. It was like throwing Jennifer Aniston together with Kenny Chesney. In other words, you had all the ingredients for disaster. What the heck were you thinking, man?
Why were you getting all heavy with a woman who was still married? I tell you guys not to talk serious when they’re available. Mona’s still legally hitched and you’re blabbing about the future? You should have been putting on a clown show, not a “psychology today” seminar. You would been better off disappearing instead of yakking about how you’re going to get re-hitched the minute you’re free of your wife.
But you went ahead and engaged in “couple-type” behavior anyway. Like 90% of the men out there, you had to go rushing in like a bull in a china shop. The problem is that you, like everybody else, think only in the short term. Nobody thinks long term. And that’s what “The System” is all about.
Mona stopped returning your calls? Drew, I’m positively shocked! Women never do that! They’re not known for inconsistent behavior! We got one for the Guinness Book of Records here! Are you sure this really happened?
She was vague and distant and wanted her space? Boy, you got all the luck. You just got rid of one hellcat, and the second one’s beating up on you before you’re even out of the cage. One drove you nuts, and you already have another one trying to do the same thing. Any normal human being would throw in the towel.
So, Mona doesn’t want to feel like the other woman, huh? Like I’ve told you guys before, they always give you the SECOND reason why they’re cutting you loose. Remember when the born-again Christian Jane Fonda said, “I can’t live with an atheist” when she split with “Mister Moneybags” Ted Turner? I’ll bet you anything she wasn’t so religious when she had 99% Interest Level in old Ted.
Know what’s great about most women? They love to concoct a darned good back-up story instead of the real deal. They always come up with wonderful, inventive whoppers that don’t have anything to do with you.
Drew, if you knew that giving presents and sending mushy letters was wrong, why in the world did you do it? That was your fault. It was Mona’s fault that she didn’t tell you she was waiting for the ink to dry on your divorce papers. What does that say about her?
Now, can you believe Mona started seeing someone else? I can’t. Again, I’m totally shocked. But Drew, seriously, how much more of a beating do you have to take, how much more screwing around with your head do you have to endure, how many more lies do you have to hear before you get past your ego and see reality?
But, you insist -- despite all evidence to the contrary – that Mona still loves you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Dude, she’s lying through her teeth.” The sad part is that you want to believe her. And you’re a doctor? I hope I never find myself in your emergency room -- I’ll probably end up with a scalpel in my stomach when I come out of the anesthesia.
Why are you checking in with this woman? You’re married, she’s married, and she’s seeing another man. When you were talking to her on the phone, were you on your knees or were you just lying on your stomach?
You weren’t really after closure, Drew. Closure is when you walk away and never look back. But at least you grew a teeny bit of a backbone – until you and Mona became friends again. What you really mean is that you caved in, you weakling.
Now you two are chatting on the phone a couple of hours every day. Is that all? Gee, you should talk longer than that. You know why Mona doesn’t want more intimacy with you? Because she has to save it for her other boyfriend. Actually, you should ask her if she still kisses her husband. So there it is, buddy – after all your groveling and begging she’s kissing two other guys and not you. That’s just great.
Mona doesn’t want friendship either. You know what she really wants? She wants a divorce and she wants to be wrapped in her new boyfriend’s arms. This woman is a user and a drama queen. Gosh, Drew, did you actually believe her when she said she didn’t want to see anyone else? And that you’re the only man in her life? What about her boyfriend and her husband? That sure sounds like a couple of others to me. And like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “She just keeps you around because you don’t give her no trouble.”
What do I think you should do now? I think you should throw more gold on the sinking ship. As Bill O’Reilly says, “You been drinking too much Kool-Aid!”
Ruining a relationship between the two of you is not even a possibility because Mona’s Interest Level is south of 50%. The reason she returned your call after two months is because she probably had a little argument with her boyfriend or maybe she dropped him.
But it’s your own fault that you’re in this fix. Guys, until you have the paperwork in your hands, you shouldn’t go starting anything.
You call holding hands “coziness?” Not! Coziness is kissing, and you’re not doing that. I hold hands with my grandmother.
Remember, guys: if you don’t memorize my
“System,” you are doomed to repeat your
mistakes.
Did Jude Flip Out when Siena Dumped
Him?
Dear Doc,
I am writing in desperation. I bought your book quite a while back and with success landed the woman of my dreams. I met Antonia and at first I wasn’t that into her, but there were a few things that I loved. We went out for two and a half years, and she expressed many times that she wanted to marry me. I never had to chase her, and I kept blowing off the idea of marriage. I loved her but wasn’t in love with her. But I knew she would make a great wife.
Well, Antonia unexpectedly dumped me recently. For the first week after it happened, I was okay. But when I saw her on Match.com I lost it. It dawned on me then that it was real. I flipped out and called her at 2:30 a.m. She said that she went on there to prove to herself that she wasn’t ready for dating. (Yes.) And that she got an e-mail from someone and it made her sick to her stomach and she almost threw up, etc. I believe that she was speaking with true conviction.
Antonia asked me not to call her because she needed time. So the next day I called again, and she got irritated because she said she needed space. I e-mailed her then and she wrote back and said not to e-mail her anymore. Her exact words were, “What I need is TIME. How much time, I don’t know.”
This led me to believe there is hope for us getting back together. I wrote back again and told her how much I loved her and wanted to marry her.
A week went by and I noticed that she was still on Match.com but her picture had been changed. The new one made her look sexier. I lost it again and called her. She said she tried to take the picture off but couldn’t.
Doc, I know it’s a lie now. She said she is so angry with me that she can’t stand to be in the same room with me. She also said that when she got the e-mail message from me where I said I wanted to marry her that she cried all day.
Doc, I want to bring a ring over to Antonia’s house, get down on one knee and propose to her. I love her to death and want to marry her.
I feel that Antonia has someone in her ear telling her to forget me. I can’t eat or sleep and have lost 10 pounds. I don’t know what to do and realize I ruined the best thing in the world. I need to prove to Antonia that I am changed but she won’t speak to me. But I think she still loves me.
I know this isn’t much to go on, but any advice would be appreciated. After two and a half years I am not sure if the principles of “The System” apply here.
Marty - who hopes he can turn it around
Hi Marty,
What do you mean you weren’t “that into” Antonia? Why was that? You’ve got problems right out of the gate here. You’re talking about marriage to the girl of your dreams, and you weren’t that interested in her? It’s a contradiction in terms. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re worse than those babes when they talk Womanese!”
If you weren’t in love with Antonia, why the heck were you wasting your time? It’s not that your Interest Level was low, man -- you actually didn’t have an Interest Level. Antonia wouldn’t make you a great wife. Because after a while she’d come to realize that the man she married wasn’t in love with her. But don’t worry about her. I’m sure she’ll make a great wife – for somebody else.
To you Psych majors, when you get dumped it’s ALWAYS unexpected. The guy never sees it coming. He doesn’t have a clue.
Well, then you went and “flipped out” and called the poor girl at 2:30 in the morning. Why didn’t you make it 4 a.m. and get her really riled up so she never spoke to you again? I see that you’re really practicing my premier virtues of Self-Control and Discipline here, guy.
Hm, Antonia went on Match.com to prove she wasn’t ready for dating…and you bought it. Now just listen to that impeccable line of logic she served up: the reason a person joins an online dating service is to prove she’s not ready for dating. Huh? Did I miss something here? The statement makes no sense whatsoever and contradicts itself. And you were so gullible, Marty, so desperate for love, that you bought it.
But, she goes on to explain; the experience was so nauseating it made her want to barf. Okay, so there are jerks on the Internet. And there are psycho women on the internet, too. This is what I call a “camouflage” tactic. Antonia’s talking about nothing that has anything whatsoever to do with you and her. And yet she’s trying to make it appear that way.
Of course she was speaking with true conviction – there are creeps on the Internet. But you’re trying to infer somehow that her bad experience makes your situation better. The bad news is that her meeting a sleazoid on the web doesn’t raise her Interest Level in you. It’s too late for that.
Antonia doesn’t need a little time away from you, Marty – she needs Eternity. The tells you to disappear, and what do you go and do? Like 90% of the guys out there you think with your EGO, you think with your high INTEREST LEVEL, and you think with your PRIDE. And guess what? You’re going to lower her Interest Level even more by your out-of-control actions.
Instead of protesting that she needs space, Antonia should have said she was going off to Australia to get married and live in the outback. Then maybe you’d get the drift. Like my cousin Doctor Freud says, “What’s this little girl have to say before you finally pick up the hint?” But as always, guys, if you don’t want to get hurt, lead with your chin!
Nevertheless, you insist there’s hope for the two of you getting back together. Sure, there is. And Saddam’s going to reclaim the presidency of Iraq, too. You’re the kind of guy who probably goes out to his backyard and tries to shoot the moon with a BB gun. I got news for you -- your odds of pulling that off would be better than getting Antonia back.
But you went ahead and told her you wanted to marry her. Great! You want to marry a girl who wants space and time. Makes perfectly good sense to me!
The incident of the second photo on Match.com is another side issue, a smokescreen. You’re getting sidetracked on nothing that counts, Marty. It’s got nothing to do with anything, except to drive you even crazier now that you don’t have Antonia anymore. You should have noticed how sexy she was about two and a half years ago.
Now she can’t stand to be in the same room with you. Hey, that’s exactly the kind of girl you want to marry! Know why she cried? It was from joy, because she was so ecstatic that she didn’t marry you! But like 90% of all men, you clutch at straws. If you think you hear one half-promising word in 10 minutes of being put down, you say “Ah-ha! I can tell she’s just hiding her Interest Level!”
Marty, you only want to marry Antonia now because she rejected you. Her rebuff doubled your low Interest Level. Rejection is the ultimate challenge. Now you can’t see straight. You went out with this girl for two and half years and you didn’t even like her. Now you’re ready to give her a ring? Are you sure you read my book?
Of course Antonia has someone in her ear telling her to forget you. She’s a good-looking girl -- there are probably 10 guys chasing after her. But so what? They can’t knock down her Interest Level in you. Only you can -- by calling her and crying in the middle of the night.
Yeah, it sounds to me like Antonia digs you a lot, Marty. She must, judging from the way she tells you to get lost. And don’t worry about what you gave me to go on – it’s more than enough.
The principles of “The System” apply here, dude, but you didn’t use them, and that’s your problem.
Remember, guys: once she uses the word “space,”
you’re dead in the water.
Would You Dump Salma Hayek if She
Called to Say "Hi"?
Hey Doc,
I have been a follower of your techniques for two and a half years now and “The System” has become a powerful part of my dating life. I have heard you say that on many occasions guys look to you for coaching when it’s already too late. They don’t recognize the red flags in their relationships, and by that time, the woman’s Interest Level has dropped below 50% and they are history.
I’m writing to get your opinion on my relationship with a woman by the name of Salma. She is a 23-year-old, good-looking, first-generation, American-born woman of Jordanian extraction. (I know that’s a mouthful, but I want you to have as many details as possible.) She recently graduated with an accounting degree and is working at a nearby corporation.
I met Salma at a volunteer workshop hosted at our college. The first two and a half months went smoothly. I would call her, set up a date and we would not see or talk to each other until the date. She was always energetic and bright and would constantly be touching and kissing me by the end of the date. Nine dates later, I gave her a rose in a gold box.
At seven months into this relationship, I’m continuing to keep my hands to myself and let Salma chase me. She pays for the occasional date. I have tried to steer clear of heavy subjects as much as I could during this time. I’m now trying to dissect what Salma’s Attitude is made of. Here are some of the things I’ve noticed:
1. Salma likes to talk about guys hitting on her and trying to pick her up. I’ve remained cool when she does this and have switched the subject on occasion but have stopped short of asking her not to talk about it.
2. There is no intimacy between us. Being of a Catholic and conservative background, she wishes to wait until she is married.
3. She is of a different culture, which sometimes makes for a very different way of seeing things.
4. When challenged, she becomes stubborn and inflexible.
5. She lives with her parents, and there is an unwritten rule as to what time she must be home at night and what activities she can and cannot do.
6. She broke a date two weeks ago because she had to help her sister-in-law set up for a birthday party the next day.
7. When I schedule dates up to five days beforehand, she will call before we see each other to say hi.
Doc, do you detect any red flags in her behavior that I should be truly concerned about? I’m stuck on Salma, but I don’t want to overlook anything that’s truly dangerous.
Samuel - who doesn’t want to wake up when it’s too late
Hi Samuel,
What you said about Interest Level was a mouthful. If a woman’s Interest Level dips from 95% to 85%, the guy should immediately back off. But of course he doesn’t see it that way. He finally gets the hint that something’s wrong when her interest drops to somewhere between 55% to 65%, but by then he’s already in more trouble than the Titanic when it met that infamous iceberg. To you Psych majors, he always reads the signs too late. But through memorization of my principles, this can be prevented.
It’s good that Salma is gainfully employed. It means you have a self-reliant woman on your hands, Samuel, and not one of the worst species of female on earth -- the Gold Digger. And she’s supposed to be energetic and bright and constantly touching you when you’re together, so that’s okay, too. If she springs for the occasional date, it means she’s a Giver. She’s not supposed to take care of half of the dates, but an occasional date is a very good sign. So far you’re doing great, kid.
Now let’s take a look at your list. You’re doing the right thing by switching the subject when Salma brings up how guys hit on her. But how often does she do it? Is it a constant theme, or was it broached only once or twice? When she lays this stuff on you, you should counter by telling her about the models who’ve been doing photo shoots outside your apartment, and can’t resist coming in and asking to use the bathroom, then hanging around and having a glass of water with you. Then check out how she reacts. In other words, rather than ask a woman not to do something -- which all mankind should know is nothing but a waste of time – just bring up how other women are always coming on to you and you don’t do a thing to encourage it.
The problem of intimacy has a really simple solution, buddy. As long as both you and Salma are okay without it for the time being, that’s all that matters. The rule is that the later you have sex, the better.
You’re not giving me enough specifics regarding where your girlfriend’s exotic culture is a problem. But she’s ultra-conservative, and that’s good. With all the wild ones running around, you’re better off with a girl who’s not partying as hard as Tara Reid.
Just how often does Salma become stubborn and inflexible? If she does it once every two or three months, you can live with it. But if she pulls that act every second or third date, like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you got a problem!” And here’s something else -- how are you challenging her? What is it you’re trying to change about her? Could it be that you’re prodding her into an attitude? Again, I need more information, and you need to examine what you’re doing.
It’s good that Salma’s folks restrict her activities and keep an eye on her. If you need uninhibited adventure, dude, go out with a topless dancer.
But point number 6 is a different kettle of fish. You know my feelings on broken dates. It’s not so much that Salma broke the date; it’s how you responded to it that’s the important thing.
What you should have done was not called her, and forced her to ask you out. Because when a girl breaks a date, she’s telling you she’s too comfortable with you. She’s saying she knows she owns you. If Salma knew in her heart that you were going to walk, she would have said to herself “To hell with my sister-in-law!” But she knew she could get away with brushing you off, right, Sammy? She knew that you’d be waiting for her no matter what, because you can’t resist the fact that she’s a Salma Hayek look-alike, and even if she told you to jump off a bridge, you’d probably do it. Just how much of a follower of “The System” are you, my man?
There’s no problem with Salma calling you just to say hi. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It shows that you cross her mind at least once in a while.”
No, the red flag I’d be most concerned with is that Salma digs her sister-in-law more than she digs you. And she doesn’t give a darn about the consequences because you’re not a Challenge, she knows she’s got you where she wants you, and so she can break a date without thinking twice.
So out of your seven items here, number 6 is the biggie. Did she break the date because she’s not organized? Did it just come up out of the blue? If you’d said, “If you go to that birthday party, then we’re not going out anymore,” what would have happened? Some “three-percenters” – true tough guys – would have done just that. They would have said to Salma, “If you break a date, babe, don’t ever call me again. We’re kaput, finito. No woman ever pulls that crap on me.” And they would stand by it. If you wanted to play hardball, you could have done that, too. And by the way, how come you weren’t invited to her sister-in-law’s party?
Remember, guys: you have to learn to read her actions
quicker, and more importantly; you can’t rationalize
what she does just because she’s hot.
Would it have Helped Kenny Chesney
if he Flirted with Other Girls?
Hey Doc,
I’m a regular reader of your column. I think you give great advice on all aspects of dating, much better than the other love doctors out there. Now I’ve become a regular listener of your radio show as well. Please keep up the good work. Lots of us guys need it.
But I have a question that I don’t think you’ve ever dealt with.
First, let me tell you my situation. I’ve been dating Sasha for about three months now. I was unbelievably attracted to her from the start (she’s 26 and a real hottie), and though I tried my best to stay a Challenge, I couldn’t help myself from slipping into the worshipful “Nice Guy” syndrome, after which, predictably, she began to lose some interest in me.
But here’s the good thing. It’s my assessment that Sasha’s Interest Level is still at least 51%, although I have sensed it fading lately. By this I mean that she still accepts dates once a week and we have a pretty good time when we’re out. Needless to say, I’d like her to be completely in love with me, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen.
Now since I’m a good-looking guy myself, I always catch women looking at me wherever I am, even when I’m out with Sasha. So here’s my question: is it okay to flirt with these other girls when I’m with Sasha? Since her Interest Level is declining anyway, will it have a positive effect on her? In other words, if other women find me attractive, doesn’t that increase my desirability to Sasha? Or will it only hurt my cause? I’m confused on how to handle this.
I recently heard a never-married movie star with a long track record of dating beauties say that women only like bad boys. I know flirting with other girls doesn’t make me Scott Peterson, but it shows I can’t be controlled.
So far I’ve kept my flirting to a minimum, smiling back when a girl smiles at me, but I can’t tell what effect if any it’s having on Sasha since I’ve stopped short of asking other women for their home phone numbers when I’m with her. But if I’m going to lose her anyway, I might as well have some fun in the process, right? Maybe I’ll even meet someone new.
I’d like you to weigh in with your thoughts on this. Thanks, Doc.
Andre - who’s trying to kill two birds with one stone
Hi Andre,
What you’re suffering through right now is the biggest romantic affliction in America, so you can take some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. Once a guy’s Interest Level hits 90% or above, he just loses it. He’s a goner. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Love is a drug.”
Here’s the problem when you’re all hung up on a knockout: your head’s not right and you’re not thinking straight. It’s like the woman is a cobra who got her fangs into a mouse – you – and you’re just paralyzed. And there you are saying to yourself, “I’m so in love with this girl! I’ve never been in love like this before! I can’t live without her!” And it’s only the fourth date!
It’s great that your Interest Level is soaring around the stratosphere, but guess what? At the end of the day you guys all give in and collapse – because the drug is too strong. And the drug is called BEAUTY.
Andre, your girl didn’t lose some interest in you. She lost a lot of interest in you. Jeez, you’re bragging about a 51% Interest Level? You’re hanging by a skimpy vine from the side of a mountain looking down 4,000 feet to the bottom of the ravine and you’re proud of it? I got news for you – you’ve already slid off the mountain to 40% Interest Level. It’s over and you don’t even know it. Now Sasha’s going to keep you around just to see how much pain she can inflict on you before she finds another poor dumb fish to sink her hooks into.
And you know why she keeps accepting dates? Because she’s just waiting for the next turkey to come along. She’s bored, but maybe she likes the flowers you bring over to her apartment. Like I told you guys before, when their Interest Level is 40% to 49% they’ll still go out with you.
And by the way, what do you mean when you say you two have a “pretty good time” on your dates? Can it be any weaker? How come you don’t have a great time? That’s what you’re supposed to be doing after only a couple of months, right? Are you putting on a show when you’re with Sasha? Are you taking her to great restaurants? Or are you moping because you can feel her slipping out of your grasp?
Hey, Andre, don’t get me wrong -- if I saw your Sasha, who’s no doubt a double of Keira Knightly, I’m sure I’d be completely in love with her too. But the point is this: you had your shot, and what did you do? You blew it because you weren’t prepared. The narcotic of love softened you right up. Now you’re sitting there as immobilized as a smack freak or an alcoholic after a binge. It’s just like the fate that befell Samson when he got the infamous haircut in the Bible. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts told me, “Dog, that’s what high Interest Level does to a man!”
Did you ever think that maybe these other women are looking at you because of Sasha? If she’s as hot as you say she is, it’s definitely a possibility. But no, it’s not okay to flirt with other babes when you’re with her. You’re going to do something else. Next time you’re in a bar together, you’re going to say, “Honey – see that girl over there in the red dress? She keeps staring at you. Do you know her or something?”
Now of course she’s been checking you out the whole time. But you’re going to try and get a conversation going between her and Sasha and see what happens. You’re trying to rustle the bushes here, shake things up. Flirting will have a positive effect on Sasha’s Interest Level, but in your fix you have to do a lot more.
If Sasha’s Interest Level is 51% like you say, the attention of other women will have a positive impact for the time being. But if her interest is just flickering at around 40% to 49%, these little back-and-forth skirmishes won’t amount to much of anything. When you’re in that south-of-the-50-yard-line range, she’s just wasting your time and playing with your head.
And if you’ve memorized my principles, you’ll know when it hits 49%. But even with the power of “The System” behind you, you’re still just a puny male going up against the most powerful creature on the face of the planet – the Beautiful Woman. In other words, like Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I hope you realize how much trouble you’re in, baby.”
But sure, Andre, keep taking Sasha to places where other women can stare at you. It’s worth the shot to see if you can raise your desirability. You’re asking yourself how to raise Interest Level, which is good. But the question you’re leaving out, the more important question that should have occurred to you earlier, was how did I make Sasha’s Interest Level take a powder in the first place? What did I do wrong? You should look at your errors and do the opposite. And then add Challenge to it. But it’s probably too late.
The statement that women only like bad boys is a half-truth. Because they also dig gentlemen like Cary Grant. What Cary Grant and the bad boys have in common is that they’re both Challenges. Where they differ is that the bad boy shows up for dates with a toothpick in his mouth and thinks it’s cute, while the gentleman knows it shows no class.
Pal, you’re only fooling yourself when you say that since you’re flirting with other girls Sasha knows she can’t control you. Her Interest Level did a swan dive because she knew she could control you.
You should never hustle or look at other women when you’re with Miss Right or any date, that’s the rule. You’re not being a Challenge when you shove it in her face, you’re being disrespectful. Andre, you’ve got the right idea -- that you have to go to war -- but you’ve got the wrong weapon.
Sure, maybe you’ll meet someone new when you’re flirting. And maybe there’ll be an earthquake and a brick will fall and hit you in the head, too. The problem is that unless you toughen up and get the monkey off your back, when Miss Beautiful Number 2 comes along you’re going to play the same old record. You’re going to make the same tired mistakes, and Number 2 is going to get rid of you, too. Except that now you’re four years older, you’ve got a network of little wrinkles around your eyes, and you’re not as cute.
So this is my thought on your situation: my friend, you’ve got a lot of work to do.
Remember, guys: most men give up all semblance of
Self-Control in the presence of a Beautiful Woman.
Would Mickey Rourke buy Mischa
Barton's Story?
Hey Doc,
I’ve been a student of your techniques for about a month now. I think I have to break up with Maria Luiza, but I just don’t have the heart to do it. This is my story.
I started dating this drop-dead gorgeous beauty (she’s a dead ringer for the actress Mischa Barton) about a year ago. After a few months of being together, she had to leave for Brazil (which is where she’s from) for three months. We decided that we would continue our relationship long-distance.
I thought everything was going okay, but now I’m not so sure. The night before she was to come back to the U.S., she went out dancing with her friends. She was offered a ride home afterwards by one of her male companions. En route to her house, he stopped by his place and invited her in for a few minutes. At this point the details get sketchy, but here’s what I’ve been able to wrestle out of her so far.
She had had two drinks at the bar and was feeling lightheaded. When they got inside the guy’s apartment, he sat on the couch next to her and started kissing her. She said what followed “just happened.” When I asked her how it happened, she said that maybe she wasn’t feeling so sure about our relationship. She said that they were kissing for just a second, but then things got a little more intimate. Then, she said, she pushed him away and ran out of the place and went and reported him to the police.
When Maria Luiza showed up in the States the next day, there were no bruises or scratches on her. I went to visit her at her place, but we ended up arguing all night over this incident. Whenever I asked her for more details, she started attacking me. She made me feel like the culprit, Doc, and maintained that what happened wasn’t her fault at all. By four in the morning I got tired of arguing and left.
Doc, is Maria Luiza’s story just Womanese? What do you see here? I see scum. But I just can’t gather enough courage to drop her. Like I said, she’s a legitimate “10.”
I really want to get over this ordeal. Any suggestions, Doc?
Gordon - who can’t tell if he’s being snowed
Hi Gordon,
First of all, you say “we” – meaning you and Maria Luiza together -- decided to continue your relationship long distance. But just who brought the arrangement up first? Was it you? Or was it her? Did you have to beg? How was the subject left when Maria Luiza flew off to the Amazon? Were you whimpering like an abandoned pit bull?
Let’s move on to what happened. Now let me get this straight. Maria Luiza went out with the girls, but happened to get into a car that wasn’t owned by one of them. No, instead she ends up cruising around in the middle of the night with some guy she was dirty dancing with at the club. Hm….Then she gets out of the car and goes with him into his apartment. Fascinating. Uh, why didn’t she sit in the car and tell him, “Go do what you have to do in the apartment and I’ll wait here?” She must have been so lightheaded from those two drinks that she completely forgot what she was doing – and all about you, too.
And it’s at this sensitive point that the details of Maria Luiza’s story get sketchy. I wonder why that is? Gordon, this is about as comical as the upcoming trial of Phil Spector, old helmet-hair himself. The details of what happened in his mansion that night are very sketchy too. The cops have been trying to get them straightened out ever since they arrested him.
But let’s look a little closer at what allegedly went down with your girlfriend. Why didn’t she sit in a chair so this fellow couldn’t sit next to her? When she said that what followed “just happened,” does it mean she cooked him breakfast in the morning?
I gotta hand it to this girlfriend of yours, man. She’s slick, all right. You were interrogating her like an internal affairs officer and she decided to turn the tables on you. What exactly wasn’t she so sure of when it came to your relationship? Your high Interest Level? She knows you were in love with her, so what exactly was she saying? Did you ever think that when she was necking with her salsa partner from south of the border that maybe she wasn’t sure of her Interest Level in you?
This whole scene is just great. It reminds me of those classic arguments where the girl does something outrageously wrong and her poor boyfriend is so angry he can’t see straight, and then she cuddles up to him and coos “Are you mad?” Now the poor schmuck is suddenly on the defensive, and if he says he’s not mad, then he’s lying! Don’t think that my cousin General Love is kidding for a second when he says, “Go out there fully armed, because dating is war!”
To you Psych majors, she’s pulling a fast one on you. She’s scamming you. It’s called being so slippery that you lose your footing and get all confused. But when you see those bee-stung lips and legs that start up here and end down in Ipanema in a bikini, you don’t have a prayer.
Any chance Maria Luiza and her chauffeur could have been kissing for an hour rather than just a second? And I wonder exactly what “a little more intimate” means? Since this column is G-rated, we can’t go any deeper into it, but you get the idea. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “They weren’t playing checkers, baby!”
Now let me get something else straight. Your squeeze reported this guy to the authorities for the following reasons:
- She got into his car voluntarily.
- She went to his place voluntarily.
- She sat next to him on his couch voluntarily.
- She made out with him voluntarily.
5. He never held a gun to her head.
Well, gee, if I were cop, I’d put the guy away too! Her story makes perfect, logical sense to me!
You say you saw no bruises or scratches when you two got together the next morning? I’m shocked all over again! Boy, medicine works fast these days! But like Fast Eddie Love says, “I’ll bet he had scratches all over his body!”
But at the end of the day, nothing was Maria Luiza’s fault – she didn’t make any bad choices at all when she was partying down in Rio. Gordon, I have to give this girl’s story the Womanese Award of the Year for 2005.
You might see scum here, Gordo, but I see an anaconda in the grass.
Nevertheless, you can’t bring yourself to drop this babe because she’s too hot-looking. And that’s very sad. The point is this: she’s always gotten away with murder because of her looks. And she’ll go on getting away with murder until she hits the wall or somebody calls her on it.
And that’s the one thing you did right. You busted her, and that’s why she attacked you. I think it’s great, man. You were really, really sharp. Most guys wouldn’t have the guts to not let their little starlets wriggle immediately off the hook.
Here’s my suggestion: next time don’t fall in love so fast.
Remember, guys: when the girl attacks you, you know
she’s guilty.
Does Hef ever have to Protect his
Heart?
Hey Doc,
Recently I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life -- to break up with my girlfriend of nine months. I find myself second-guessing whether I did the right thing. I often feel sorry for the person I break up with. This leads me to try and make the relationship last longer than it should.
Here’s the story. I’m a traditional, confident, attractive (I’m a former model) med student in his mid-twenties. My parents have a model marriage, something I hope to emulate one day. I somehow got mixed up with a girl I thought was traditional too. Shannon was sweet, funny, delicate, and morally sound. She claimed to be very religious and went to church on a regular basis. I was amazed to find such a great-looking girl with a solid background. She chased me relentlessly and of course I was a Challenge and only responded to her pursuit on occasion. I made her laugh, and kept things light.
As she became more comfortable with me (around the four-month mark), she showed red flags that I made the mistake of ignoring or choosing to live with. For instance, I found out that she would go to wild parties and sometimes got intoxicated to the point where she almost passed out. Talk about classy -- a 120-pound girl taking shots like a sailor! I was shocked, but didn’t react. She cried, and said she made a mistake. She told me she wouldn’t do it again.
Then I found out that her ex-boyfriend still called her and professed his deep feelings for her. He did this even though she told him she felt nothing for him, and that she was deeply in love with me. I asked her why she still talked to him and she responded that they have common friends and that as a Christian she didn’t want to be “mean.”
It turned out that she’s the type of girl that loves attention. I know all women do, but Shannon seemed really in love with it. She would dress scandalously, brag about turning heads at social gatherings, or shocking her boss and customers at her job since she works in retail. I understand that this is part of life, but I didn’t like the fact that she seemed to enjoy it so much. To top it off, she claimed that when she has children, she’d never change a diaper or wake up if the baby’s crying at night. Some great catch, huh?
You’re probably asking why I stayed so long. Well, she promised she would change. However, with time her true colors always shone through. It was like I was dealing with a Jekyll and Hyde character. On one side of the coin was this very sweet church girl, and on the other a party girl who craved attention and getting her own way. Very confusing.
Anyhow, I got tired of being disappointed and realized the situation had no long-term potential. It got so bad that I didn’t trust her whenever she went out. I’m not possessive or jealous, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone to control herself. When I did end it, she kept calling me until finally I had to change my number. I’m not going back to that hell-hole.
I guess what I’m asking, Doc, is what I should do to make sure this never happens to me again. I was raised to expect the best in people and that given the right circumstances, people can change. But it seems to me that when people change, the changes are usually superficial, and they go back to whom they really are. I’m a good guy, and I know I deserve better. I just want a nice, sweet girl.
Ben - who wants to protect himself in the future
Hi Ben,
Breaking up with a girl shouldn’t ever be a tough decision. It should be a piece of cake. Your problem is that you didn’t leave sooner. This goes for most guys out there.
But you’re sitting around feeling sorry for these castaways. Why, Ben? Do you think they sit around feeling an ounce of sympathy for you when they cut your heart out with a razor? Guy, as my cousin General Love always says, “Dating is war!” If you let a bad relationship drag on, you’re just fighting reality. And my principles are all about facing reality – the sooner the better.
Guess what, man? Shannon might have looked clean and wholesome at the start, but down deep, she’s nothing like your dear old mom. She went to church all right, but apparently not enough. It only seemed like she had a solid background, but unfortunately for you, appearances was where it ended.
But it’s great that you responded to Shannon’s pursuit of you at first. Some guys would have held back and rubbed Challenge in her face, but that’s not the rule. You should give in once in a while. Setting an inconsistent pattern means she’s never going to be bored. This is great – so far.
Because Shannon’s true colors came out at the four-month mark. In other words, you stayed an extra five months for nothing. You threw away five months of your life and money and you probably lost some of your sanity in the process over a ding-dong. Was she worth it?
So, Shannon almost passed out at parties. And those two guys with her were helping her to recover, right?
But I can just hear her tearful explanation afterwards: “Oh, Benny, I slipped and made a boo-boo! This is the only time it’s ever happened! I never make an ass of myself at parties, honest! Somebody mixed those drinks really strong! When I came to, those two guys were just helping me over to the couch to sleep it off!”
I got news for you, Ben – Shannon didn’t just start drinking like a sailor. She’s been pounding it down like Popeye for a long time. And you’re a medical student? Man, am I ever going to feel comfortable the next time I have to go to the hospital for a diagnosis!
So, Shannon told you she wouldn’t ever do it again….You know what’s really sad, Ben? Not that she’s a liar, because that goes with the territory. What’s sad is that you believed her. You bought into the BIG LIE. Why? Because you wanted to. You thought you had a conventional, conservative girl and you were going to stick to your guns come Hell or high water. Your male ego and pride led you astray. And, pal, you lost five precious months of your life because of those two words – EGO and PRIDE.
Shannon and her ex don’t have friends in common. She’s got low Self-Esteem and she’s addicted to the strokes. One man isn’t enough for her. She has to have at least two turkeys eating out of her hand.
But okay, she’s a Christian and she didn’t want to be mean. Whatever happened to when it’s over, it’s over? There’s no reason for Shannon and her ex to be communicating. The reality is that Shannon is being mean. She’s being mean by being disrespectful to you, the one she loves so much (theoretically), and by stringing her ex along and giving him false hope. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “She’s some catch, all right!”
When you describe how Shannon gets off on her various states of undress, one thing becomes very obvious to me – she’s a flasher. This girl’s in the wrong place -- she should be working one of the Vegas strip clubs. She sure as heck doesn’t belong in church! To you Psych majors, when you fall for a knockout, you have to expect her to get away with murder.
Know why Shannon will never change the baby’s nappy? Because she knows you’re going to do it! Why should she lift a manicured finger when she can get some flunkey to do the dirty work for her?
Shannon’s behavior isn’t confusing at all, Ben. The girl’s a whack-job. And like I tell you guys up front: no Mercenaries, no Feministas, and no whack-jobs. You’re opening yourself up to a lifetime of misery if you don’t heed my warning on this.
Dude, the reason you were disappointed in Shannon is because you were expecting too much. This babe didn’t have what you thought she had. You were okay with her for four months, but then her real self came out. And you should have said to yourself, if I want to be in love with a flasher and I want to get up at 2 a.m. to feed the baby, then I’d stay with this girl. But you have to think of the cost.
Still, you wasted five whole months, like I said before. Five months you can never have back. But it could have been worse if you’d have refused to open your eyes.
But hey, why didn’t you trust Shannon? All she does is get bombed and pass out after 15 shots of Jack Daniels! Gee, what’s so bad about that? After all, she’s got a bunch of guys rubbing her arms and forehead when she goes unconscious, but they’re just trying to bring her around – at least I think that’s what they’re doing!
Nevertheless, I want to award you the Congressional Medal of Honor for not caving in to Shannon’s pursuit at the bitter end and having the guts to get your phone number changed. You know how many guys wouldn’t have done that? You know how many desperadoes would have turned right around and walked straight back into Shannon’s arms?
To make sure this never happens to you again, buddy, memorize my principles, and then get out after four months! Sure, people can change, but with this girl you’re not just talking about the way she applies her lipstick. She’s got major problems that need attention, starting with her binge drinking.
But one essential thing we never mentioned is that this girl has to want to change. If she ever gets to teach a course on the Bible or give a speech on modesty and decorum, she has to be able to do it with a straight face. Otherwise, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Fuh-get about it, baby!”
Remember, guys: the prettier they are, the easier it is
for them to hide their flaws.
How does Diddy Handle Her when She
Blows Hot and Cold?
Hi Doc,
I am a dedicated follower of your principles and truly feel you’ve got it all figured out. There is a situation I would like your advice on. Here are the details.
I began dating Leigh two and a half years ago. In the beginning I was unaware of how powerful Challenge really was. I was a Challenge without even knowing it. When we first started going out I even said to her, “I don’t have to call you every day, do I?”
For the first six months Leigh was a wildcat. She was a blast to hang out with and appeared to have a tremendously high level of interest in me. However, she is from a family very impressed with money and they’re always telling her to “marry up.” I come from a modest background but was able to provide her with lots of the things she wanted.
After a year I found out that her ex-boyfriend of 10 years (who by the way is filthy rich) started calling her. She said she wanted to be friends with him again, but being a guy, I knew better. I was concerned and jealous.
We ended up breaking up a few months later because Leigh said she felt like something was missing. She even said that I wasn’t being a Challenge, there was no chemistry, and that I didn’t stand up to her enough. The funny thing, though, is that she didn’t start dating her ex-boyfriend. That’s when I fell into your hands and started reading your articles.
I went back to being a Challenge, not calling and saying I love you all the time, and after a few months we got back together. Then I got a job and had to move to another state for nine months. We decided we could do the long-distance thing. During my eighth month away, Leigh bought me a birthday gift and gave it to me a week early when I was home visiting, but she forgot to call me on my birthday.
I got very upset with her and she apologized. We made up, and she invited me to spend the Fourth of July with her and her parents at the beach. The first night things were great. The next day, though, she was distant. She went to visit her girlfriend and didn’t return any of my phone calls for a week. When she got back she finally called and again said that she didn’t feel any chemistry.
Some time later I ran into her when she was with another guy. I made out like I was doing okay, but deep down I still had feelings for her. I waited a week, called her, and left a message that I thought she was looking good. She called back, and when I didn’t return any of her messages she begged me to call. A week went by and I asked her out. It was apparent she was still single. She called me the day after our date and told me how much fun she had and that she’d like to see me again.
I waited another week to call and asked her out again. This time things were different. She was distant again, but I continued to try to be light and funny. I haven’t spoken to her since.
How can a girl who says she doesn’t feel chemistry for you one day turn around and be intimate with you the next, then go cold again? It’s so confusing; Doc. Is there anything I can do to turn Leigh around at this point?
I would love to know what you think I should do now. I love Leigh, but I don’t understand her.
Loren - who can hardly take it anymore
Hi Loren:
First off, you’re not a dedicated follower of my principles. Know how I can tell? Because you’re asking me a mile-long question here. If you were really a Doc Love disciple, you’d have my principles memorized and be able to figure it all out. You’d already know the solution to your problems.
But that’s not the issue here. I’m here to help you and every other guy out there.
You were unaware of how powerful Challenge is? I’ve been telling you from day one that it’s NITRO! But you guys still don’t believe me. Think about it. You had Leigh eating out of your hand for six whole months with a throwaway line like “I don’t have to call you everyday, do I?” Heck, that’s something straight out of the mouth of Sal “The Fish” Love! Talk about a master of Challenge!
So, Leigh was a blast for six months. That means in the seventh month she wasn’t such a party anymore – because her Interest Level was taking a nosedive. Because, Loren, you were doing something different. You changed something. You started morphing into some form of Wimpus Americanus. What it boiled down to is that you stopped being a CHALLENGE. And Interest Level will decline from there on out.
Don’t fool yourself, man. Money was never an issue with Leigh. During those first hot six months, Interest Level cut through everything, right? Leigh knew you weren’t the second coming of J. Paul Getty when you pulled up for the first time in your secondhand Saturn. When her Interest Level was 95% she couldn’t care less whether you drove a Mercedes or were collecting unemployment insurance. (To you Psych majors, he was between careers!) For six months you owned this girl. Then you didn’t anymore.
When her rich ex came into the picture, you should have said to her, “Hey, baby, bring him over and we’ll have lunch. I’d really like to meet the man. In fact, I’d be honored.” On the inside you were thinking of taking a hit out on the guy, but on the outside don’t ever show that anything gets to you. Sure, you should have been concerned, but not jealous. Instead, you should have been asking yourself “Why is she talking about exes? Why is she talking to other men? Why isn’t she a blast anymore? What the heck am I doing wrong?”
You two didn’t break up, Loren. Leigh dropped you. We don’t break up with women – they drop us. Get it? Sure, something was missing for her – 51 points of Interest Level! It was 100% for around 180 days, but you managed to lower it to 49%. That’s the missing “chemistry” she was talking about. Chemistry is the twin sister of Challenge.
When Leigh accused you of not standing up to her, what she meant was that you have no backbone, you’re no fun, and you’re boring – but don’t take it personally. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “And you wonder why she’s talking to the exes?”
By the way, Loren, how do you know Leigh wasn’t dating her rich ex? Did you have someone tailing her with a camera? You don’t have enough money to hire someone like that. Her rich ex-boyfriend does, though.
It’s too bad you got to me after the damage was done, buddy. It’s nice that you tried to go back to being a Challenge, but 90% of you guys do it way, way too late. You don’t realize that what the girl saw in you at the beginning she wants to see after 40 years. As Doctor Love would say, “What she doesn’t want is someone who’s predictable and no fun.”
Moving out of state for your new job was the kiss of death. Now I know that somebody upstairs was looking out for this girl! You were forced to get out of town in your tenuous position with Leigh? Talk about things going wrong! Murphy’s Law loves you.
Do you know why your birthday slipped Leigh’s mind? Because babes only call when their Interest Level is somewhere between 51% and 100%. I know this is tough for you to swallow, but it’s the truth. But then you pouted. Great! Guess what pouting does to Interest Level? I’ll give you a hint – it’s like driving a stake through a vampire’s heart.
At that point you should have turned down Leigh’s invitation for the Fourth of July, told her you had other plans. The reason things were great on the first night was because she was putting on an act. But then she ran out of gas. She got tired of fighting her resentment for you and decided to let it out. Screw it, she figured – this guy’s such a drag I’m going to shoot him a dirty look every time I see him. Resentment isn’t pretty.
But you must really be addicted to pain and torture, Loren, because you still hadn’t had enough. You went and left phone messages! (You left phone messages and you’re a follower of mine? Like my cousin Brother Love says, “Blasphemy!”)
Then Leigh confesses to you a second time that she has no feelings for you and what do you do? Like every other male, you chase her! Makes sense, right? Really smart. What a great idea. Seeing the results you got, maybe I should change my philosophy on women!
And after all the punishment you absorbed, you still have feelings for her. That’s okay. You’re not a robot, and I’m sorry you’re in pain, my friend. But you forgot to memorize my stuff. You should have come to me about a month before you met this girl to get all my rules down, and if you had, right now Leigh would be your love slave. But instead she’s a love slave for some old, filthy rich boy.
Don’t be fooled because she begged you to call her. Know what was really begging? Her ego. Not her Interest Level. Because when it’s 40% to 49%, they give you false hope. You were getting scraps, dude. And then it just gets worse until it peters out altogether. That’s why when it’s over, it has to be “Adios, baby!”
So, it was apparent that Leigh was still single? Talk about grasping for straws! She wanted to see you again? Hey, maybe you two are meant for each other after all – this girl’s a real ding-dong!
At best, though, her Interest Level is bouncing all over the place like a ball in a pinball machine: 43% to 41% to 46%, etc. Here’s what the inside of her head sounds like: “I’ll call him back…I’ll break the date…Maybe I’ll see him…Nah, I won’t see him,” etc. And when she finally cuts you loose forever, you’ll sit there like a dope and look back at the massive amount of time and energy you wasted and how empty your wallet is. You could have wrapped this up a lot sooner, man. If you didn’t make so many mistakes, you wouldn’t need a bailout program.
Know why Leigh goes back and forth so much? Because women will make out with you when their Interest Level is ricocheting between 40% and 49%. And you guys think, well she’s kissing me, so she can’t really be on the way out. But the fact is you’re already out and don’t even know it.
You don’t have a chance with this girl, Loren. Forget her. Go back to your old ways of being a great Challenge.
If it helps any, I understand Leigh perfectly. For six months her Interest Level was 95%, then it went to hell and you were history. It’s that simple.
Remember, guys: she doesn’t want just you; she wants
you and Doc Love’s principles forever.
Does Bruce Willis make Dates by
E-mail?
Hey Doc,
I hope you can give me some advice.
Three weeks ago on a Saturday night I met Ashley at a state fair. After 10 minutes of good conversation, I asked for her phone number. She said that she had some problems in the past when giving out her number, and offered me her e-mail address instead. As your rules state, I took this as a “not interested.” I told her it was nice talking with her, and moved on. After another 15 minutes or so, I decided to leave. Noticing this, Ashley came up and asked, “Are you leaving?” I told her yes and she said “Maybe I’ll run into you sometime.”
Normally, I would have flushed her e-mail address and forgotten about her, but during our conversation she asked quite a few personal questions and we seemed to have a lot in common. I figured I had nothing to lose by sending an e-mail. I waited until Thursday, e-mailed her, and invited her out for drinks on Sunday night. She accepted.
We met at the designated place and talked for two and a half hours. She tapped the top of my leg quite a bit. I ended the date by saying I had to be in the office early. I walked her back to her car and closed with a kiss on the lips. On Wednesday I e-mailed her, inviting her to play miniature golf. She accepted, and this time gave me her address and home phone number.
This date went well. After golf, we went for ice cream. I took her home, walked her to the door, and kissed her goodnight. The following Monday I e-mailed her, inviting her to dinner and a movie for Tuesday. At the end of the date I walked her to her door and she gave me a nice long kiss.
The next morning, she sent me an e-mail and told me she had a really good time. That was one week ago, and I haven’t heard from her since. I have not initiated any contact with her since our last date.
Here’s what confuses me, Doc. Ashley was always on time, used every excuse to touch me, laughed at my dumb jokes, and seemed to have a very good attitude. But I’ve made all three of our dates over e-mail. (I called her only once, and there was no answer, so I didn’t leave a message.) The e-mail thing seems like a red flag to me. Plus, if she had high interest in me, wouldn’t she have made some attempt to contact me in the week since our last date? My inclination right now is to not initiate further contact with her, sit back, and see if she contacts me. What do you think?
Alvin - who wants to know how to play it
Hi Alvin,
If you had your ears open, you would have realized that Ashley was telling you a lot right up front when she dropped that remark about handing out her home phone number. If she were only giving her number to nice guys, she wouldn’t have any problems, would she? So why the heck was she handing out her number to all comers? Or was something else going on? Does she have a restraining order against her ex-boyfriend? Like I always tell you guys, you have to be like love detectives on Love And Order.
Taking Ashley’s offer of her e-mail address as a “not interested” was certainly a shrewd assessment on your part, at least at first. Ninety percent of the time you’d be safe coming to that conclusion. But with Ashley there was something else happening. Sure, it could have been that she wasn’t interested. But she could also be a control freak. Or maybe she has problems coming from the outside – that psycho-stalker ex I mentioned. So you have to go deeper here.
With that in mind, let’s look at what actually did happen. Ashley came up to you at the fair and asked if you were leaving? Phenomenal! That was a definite buying signal. You should have said, “Nah, I’m not leaving. I was just practicing my reverse moon walk!” When she said maybe she’d run into you sometime, you should have come back with “Remember what they say – when the stars are aligned, your dreams will come true,” and then smiled. Show some Confidence here, Alvin, a little guts.
So it was a good idea that you took her e-mail address. She did approach you, after all, and hinted that she wanted to bump into you again. She talked about the future, which is always a good sign. She toned it down with “maybe,” but still, she tossed out clues about what was going to happen. More buying signals! So don’t get all hung up on the e-mail issue. At least you had a way to communicate with this honey.
Even better, when it came to the actual date, she showed up! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You know how many babes don’t even make an appearance after you set the time and place?”
And when Ashley eventually gave you her street address and home phone number, you got even closer. The point here is that doing things by e-mail didn’t hurt you at all. If she likes e-mail, give her e-mail. True, The Dating Dictionary says that you have to go for the home phone number, but this is an advanced class. This girl’s doing everything else textbook-right.
So then you went and asked her out on Monday for Tuesday night. Guys, don’t ask them out for the very next night. That’s way too close for comfort. Make it Monday for Thursday, or Wednesday for Sunday -- but not Monday for Tuesday. Like Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What are you trying to do, man, suffocate her? Give her a little room to breathe!” Hey, Alvin, you’re lucky Ashley wasn’t busy Tuesday night. On the other hand, Interest Level cuts across everything.
Nevertheless, I want to congratulate you because you did everything else right up to this point. You went for the kiss on the lips. You closed the deal. Good for you. That’s what you’re supposed to do -- CLOSE.
But Alvin, you weren’t supposed to hear from Ashley after her last e-mail. She’s a classy lady. She’s not going to drape herself all over you like a cheap suit. You -- the man -- are supposed to do the asking until you own the girl. But you’re getting closer.
It’s a mistake that you haven’t initiated contact with her. It shows you have a BIG EGO. You want poor Ashley to come crawling and begging. She’s already kissing you good night, she can’t keep her hands off you, and she shows up when she says she will. You got any idea how many guys don’t have that?
You’re so blinded by this e-mail situation, buddy, that you’re not seeing the forest through the trees. Ashley gave you a way to communicate with her and everything else is going right. What more do you want?
Guy, you have to know when to fold ’em. Like I said before, you’re in the advanced class here. But you wouldn’t know that until you have my book memorized. If you did, you would have known you could have stopped forcing the e-mail issue. If it works, go with it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “If she likes to talk using two tin cans connected by a long string, get her a tin can, sonny boy!”
Don’t worry that you haven’t heard from Ashley for the past week. The only thing to be concerned about is that she’s there and on time for your dates, she giggles, she touches you, and that you kiss her on the lips. Other than that, nothing else in life matters.
Being a tough guy is no good here. You think you’re being a Challenge, but by doing that you’re actually breaking the rules. The male is supposed to be aggressive, not passive-aggressive. This is not the time to imitate Clint Eastwood and play hardball.
Remember, guys: if she likes e-mail and does everything
else right, send her e-mail to make the date.
Will Jennifer's Next Husband be
Jealous of Brad?
Hey Doc,
I’m a highly intelligent, handsome (so women tell me) guy in his forties. I’m a network engineer with an extremely high IQ and I command the income to match. I also work as a first-call consultant when insight is needed on a new invention or venture in a very complex area of high technology.
I also happen to be very insecure about my relationship with my wife, Kyra (not her real name), who is stunningly beautiful and cultured. We have a two-year-old child, and she’s the mother of two teenagers from her previous marriage.
Here’s my problem. Before me, Kyra was married to a celebrity. (I won’t mention his name because you’ll know who he is.) And in fact, Kyra herself is something of a celebrity, being a successful and well-known writer in the film industry. Anyway, I have to admit that I’m quite jealous towards her, especially the attention she gets from men. I don’t feel great about being jealous, but I guess it stems from some feeling of inferiority because of her status and that of her ex-husband.
Kyra sometimes needles me about missing out on social and interpersonal communication skills because from an early age I buried myself in computers. And I have to admit that maybe it’s true. Just yesterday I noticed some jerk giving her the eye at the mall and said to her, “That guy was looking at you. He’s probably wondering what you see in someone like me.”
She also complains that my behavior is controlling and emotionally abusive and that I’m jealous of her celebrity. I do try to keep up with her whereabouts and sometimes-even worry that she might be getting involved with someone else.
At the same time Kyra claims that she really loves me and doesn’t want to violate our marriage vows. Doc, what the heck can I do about this? Can your “System” help with a problem like mine? Most average people can’t really know what it’s like to be the husband of someone who was married to a famous person – it’s hell. Every time his mug shows up on TV you think to yourself that you’ll never measure up. It’s like having your face constantly rubbed in his celebrity.
Please help! This is turning into a major problem.
Stephon - who didn’t bargain for this when he married her
Hi Stephon,
Now let me get this straight. You’re a rich, no-name computer geek and you got to marry a B-list or semi-celebrity who was once married to a 100% real celebrity? Pal, you didn’t realize what you were taking on!
Stephon, you’re just like Mister Heidi Klum now. Think about it. Seal’s not going to have his own name anymore. But if he can roll with it, and laugh about it (and himself), and if he can wear a T-shirt that reads “MISTER YOU KNOW WHO,” you know what it shows? It shows women -- and the world -- that he’s not jealous of or threatened by his wife’s celebrity and success. It shows that being a big-time celebrity’s other half has no effect on him whatsoever. He can sit back and enjoy it; in fact, he can wear a T-shirt that trumpets the fact! And he’s probably not half as good-looking as you are, right?
I’m sorry to hear that you’re jealous of the admiration Kyra commands from men. But hold it a minute here. She’s a Beautiful Woman, especially all dolled up in her designer outfits, isn’t she? Other men are going to look at her, right? Gee, I wonder how that happened? Uh, didn’t you happen to pick up on that fact when you two were going steady? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “A little slow on the uptake there, aren’t you, dude?”
Your problem, Stephon, is that you don’t know how to properly view your situation. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “Boy, get yourself away from that god-danged computer terminal for a few minutes and listen up!” Here’s what you should have said to yourself: “Wow! I’m going to be in the celebrity world. What a ride this is going to be! Man, what a party! I can’t wait to tell all my buddies back at the beer hall!”
In other words, you should have looked at marrying Kyra as an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for your personal growth and expansion. Maybe it would have helped you be more creative in your job, did you ever think of that? Or maybe you could have a picked up a few high-powered connections. The point is that you could and should have looked at acquiring your extraordinary wife as something positive, a valuable, new experience. But not you, Stephon. You wanted to pout. You didn’t want to play along.
To you Psych majors, always marry someone smarter than yourselves. Now here’s a woman, Kyra, who’s trying to drag you up in the world, and you’re kicking and screaming. Here’s a woman who actually knows Miss Manners and follows her, and she’s going to improve you and make you grow and you’re going to be a better and stronger man for it. When she “needles” you about your nerdy shortcomings, she isn’t nagging you -- she’s trying to help you. She’s trying to pull you up. But again, you don’t want to play. And that’s too bad for you.
When that fellow was ogling your wife at the mall, you should have walked up to him and said, “Hey, man, what do you think of her? Pretty hot, right?”
And of course he would have answered, “Hell, yes. I think she’s beautiful.” And then you could have told him, “Yeah, just think: she’s going home with me tonight.” Then you give him a wink and go back to your wife -- with a little bounce in your walk! Have fun with it, man. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You got any idea how many guys would kill to be in your position?” But noooo, not you – you’d rather pout.
Kyra’s right when she accuses you of being controlling, abusive and jealous of her celebrity. And let me warn you about something right now, Stephon. Your wife’s Interest Level is fluttering at around 51% to 55%, and you’re running out of time. But you’d only be hip to that if you read my book, and it’s obvious that you don’t even own it.
So, what can you do about your fix? GROW UP! “The System” can help 90% of all guys with your problem. But in your case, odds are only 50-50 that it will work.
Man, if you think it’s hell being married to a celebrity’s ex, it’s high time to loosen up and buy a dozen T-shirts. All you have to do is remember that Kyra dropped her celebrity husband. He’s yesterday’s news. He turned her off, just like you’re doing. And at the rate you’re going, you’ll be in the same boat unless you wake up on the double and memorize my principles.
When you complain about having your face rubbed in Kyra’s ex’s onscreen time, you remind me of those religious penitents who flagellate themselves on a holy day. So stop torturing yourself, my friend. Wake up and smell the coffee if there’s still time and you haven’t already made Kyra want to run for the hills.
Remember, guys: if you want to get on the celebrity
train, you better have fun with the ride.
Does George Clooney ever tell His Dates that he Sucked at Football?
Hey Doc,
I’ve been seeing Lianna for a few weeks now and I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. I know I like her, and I thought her Interest Level in me was high (mid-70s), but now I’m not so sure.
I used to work with Lianna, and she began contacting me via e-mail out of the blue. She asked lots of personal questions, so I took this as a buying signal and asked to meet her after work. She agreed. We met and had a few drinks. When the bill came she offered to pay, but I insisted. She gave me a playful bump with her hip. I had her laughing all night long and kept it light. Afterwards I asked for her home phone number but she gave me her cell number and asked for mine (ugh). She said she wanted to go out again and gave me a hug. I felt confused, like I should have tried to kiss her.
Our next date was an Anaheim Angels baseball game. Again we had a great time. About five minutes after I got home that night Lianna called. She said she just wanted to make sure I got home okay. Then she admitted she just used the call as an excuse to see when we could go out again. To me this was a sign of very high interest, but I played it cool and told her that I was busy for the next few days and that we would talk later.
On our third date, dinner at a nice restaurant, we were laughing and having a good time when Lianna began asking me some very personal questions. I tried to throw the questions back at her as much as I could. At one point she started telling me about some of her insecurities, and then said, “I’ve told you my insecurities, now what are yours?” I told her that when I was growing up I was insecure about my ability to play sports, but that I no longer felt that way.
She did the majority of the talking and I just asked questions that dug deeper into what she was saying, mostly about her insecurities and passions. At the end of the night I walked her up to her porch and gave her a kiss. It was a very good kiss, Doc. I said good night and went home. That’s the last time I talked to her.
I called twice a couple of days later and got her voicemail both times (I didn’t leave a message). I waited a few more days and called her again. Again I got her voicemail and didn’t leave a message. I called her last night and got her voicemail again. I decided that two weeks was enough to call and not get an answer, so I left a message. Was leaving a message a mistake? Did I somehow lower her Interest Level on the third date so that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, or am I missing something?
Aaron - who can’t figure out how he blew it
Hi Aaron,
When you say you thought Lianna’s Interest Level was high, but now you’re not sure, what does it really mean? It means you jumped the gun, that’s what. Like most overeager, love-starved guys, you overrated the woman’s Interest Level. Mistake number one. And boys, it’s a big one, because it leads to all kinds of errors later on.
Let’s examine the specifics of what happened. Lianna contacted you via e-mail? Beautiful. According to Rabbi Love, “Incoming interest from a babe is the meaning of Heaven!” And it’s to your credit, Aaron that you went straight for the date without fooling around. You closed. Guys, you always have to remember to close. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Man, it don’t mean a thing if you don’t seal the deal.” So good for you – at least up to this point.
And it was good that you insisted on paying for your first rendezvous. It shows that you’re all class, a regular Cary Grant in the making. And consider that playful hip-bump Lianna gave you a touch. Remember, though, despite all the good stuff that happened that first night, that it was just a little get-together, your short date, and your preliminary bout. Like any good fighter, you have to last nine more rounds (dates) and the performance has to be perfect. And of course that’s the tricky part.
Think of it this way: when they open the gate at the rodeo, there’s a guy sitting on top of the Brahma Bull, but most of them don’t make it to eight seconds.
You shouldn’t have given Lianna your cell phone number until you got her home phone number. When she told you she wanted to go out a second time, you should have said, “Are you sure? I think you’re a little too fast for me, baby. But I’ll tough it out and go with you anyway.” And by the way, fellas, you don’t kiss her right there in the bar. You wait and kiss her on her doorstep.
Guy, you shouldn’t have picked up the phone when Lianna called you after date number two. Another boner. Instead, you should have listened to the message she left on your machine. And played it over and over again and studied it to see exactly what it is you’re dealing with. You have to learn to not be so ready and willing.
Sure, Lianna’s ruse of using a call for finding out when you were going out again was a cute move, but you’re missing the point here. Her Interest Level might have been 95%, but again, you two have barely gotten through one date. You have to have that 95% Interest Level from her at the end of nine dates before you can say you’re in the ballgame at all. And as I said before, that’s what’s tough. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “Don’t go countin’ yer chickens before they hatch, boy!”
Nevertheless, it was cool that you told Lianna you’d be busy for the next few days when she was champing at the bit. You know how many guys wouldn’t have done that? On the other hand, the rule is that any time a female’s interest is incoming, grab the date. Still, it’s not a major error that you turned her down.
But what’s bothersome is that Lianna didn’t ask you out specifically, as in “Can you go out Thursday at 8 o’clock?” So you should have pressed her. “What night?” You should have “closed her” to see how real her offer was. In other words, let’s pin this thing down right here and now and find out if it’s just a “phoney flirt” or the real deal.
When Lianna started bingbingbing-ing those personal questions at you, she was subjecting you to the “hard interview.” To you Psych majors, this is usually a tactic of women who are structured. She was thinking that since she loves you so much (though it’s only been three dates!), it’s time for you to pour it all out and if you don’t, she’s going to get rid of you because you’re not playing her game.
Aaron, you should have listened very, very closely to Lianna’s litany of insecurities, because this is the whack-job you’re going to be living with for the next 30 years! In your response to her question about your fears and anxieties, you should have told her: “Honey, I’ve got the biggest problem in the world. I go out with a girl a few times -- and I swear to you I wish I didn’t have this problem -- and they fall head over heels in love with me! I got two right now under restraining orders for stalking me after only three dates. I’m telling you, sweetie, this being popular is for the birds! Every man wants women to fall in love with them, but I don’t like it. And I don’t dig having my body used all the time, either.” And you should have done it with a straight face, and then given her your best Christopher Walken look.
When you copped to your athletic insecurities that was cool, too. You had something light and safe to say, it was no big deal, then you shifted the attention immediately back to her. Since you couldn’t come up with all the funnies you were supposed to have prepared for every single one of her questions, what you did was okay. I’m not saying it was the right thing, but at least you didn’t lose lots of face. And you pulled it out at the last minute by saying you no longer felt like a sports fairy. Of course she’s probably going to think, “If he doesn’t feel insecure, then why’s he talking about it,” but on the whole you acquitted yourself adequately.
And it was brilliant that you dug deep into what Lianna was saying. Most guys would have tried to switch the subject to football.
But leaving her a message after all those hang-up calls was a mistake, my friend. Think about what’s really going on here. This girl had your number all this time and was supposedly gone over you, right? But she got turned off, and you lost your composure. Like Brother Love says, “You thought you were standing on solid ground, my son, but you weren’t.”
How you blew it, Aaron, was that you didn’t have enough insecurities to talk about. If you depressed Lianna, she probably would have stayed with you. Then you could have been miserable together forever.
Remember, guys: if you go in fast, you can go out just as
fast.
Does Demi ever get Jealous of Ashton's Female Buddies?
Hey Doc:
I need some of your great wisdom and advice. I am considering breaking up with my girlfriend of six months. I realize that no relationship is without its problems so I am hesitant to break it off with Dana, but at the same time I would rather feel a little sad than a lot sorry, not to mention the wasted time I’d save.
Everything was going so smoothly between us. Dana was even wondering if we were ever going to have a fight, things were going so well. Well, she got her first fight two weeks later. I attend a school in which 90% of my classmates are female. I told her that I wanted to have friends at school, but that they would be mostly women. She said that she had no problem with that.
Well, I made a number of friends and I hung out with one of them on a few occasions. Terri knew I had a girlfriend and nothing inappropriate ever happened between us. I never told Dana that I was hanging out with Terri, just because I still wasn’t sure if she would have a problem with it. Finally I grew some confidence and told her about Terri, figuring it couldn’t hurt. In fact, I even introduced Terri to Dana. That’s when everything went haywire. We had been drinking at a restaurant, and Terri didn’t want to drive afterwards. She lives 45 minutes away, so I kindly offered her one of the extra beds at my condo.
At this point Dana freaked out. She was shaking and upset, and told me that I had to tell Terri that she couldn’t stay over. It turned out to be quite a nasty scene and left me shaking my head afterwards.
In my eventual career I’m going to work very closely with women and I feel that if Dana can’t handle my female friends now, I don’t know how easily she’ll be able to handle my working with women.
Doc, Dana has many of the qualities that you discuss in your book. She’s a Flexible Giver, is considerate and kind, is very sexy and can speak three languages. She’s upbeat, dresses well, is thoughtful and finding someone like her has been difficult. She’s in shape and has fewer problems than I do. For the most part we work well together, but I feel that her jealousy could be a future problem. At this point in the relationship we have hit somewhat of a plateau. There’s only one logical next step, marriage, which I am not ready for. (Dana’s in her late twenties, and I’m 21, by the way.)
Should I move on and start dating other people since I’m so young? Doc, I really need your help here.
Charlie - who doesn’t want to make any hasty decisions
Hi Charlie,
Before you decide on getting rid of Dana, you have to ask yourself whether you had any input into this situation. Because if Dana had 95% Interest Level in you and a good Attitude, and you were in turn respectful of her, you wouldn’t be having this problem, right? Chew on that for a few minutes, guy.
Any chance it’s not a coincidence that you two had your first battle just two weeks after Dana mentioned that you’d never fought? Six months of peace and love and kisses and then a few days later, BOOM! -- all hell breaks loose. Kind of weird, don’t you think? Even if the odds are one in 10 of something like that happening, you’ve got to consider what’s really going on here.
Now, Dana knew your classmates were largely of the female species from day one and it wasn’t a problem, right? So why did you go and blab to her that you had to have a huge harem of girlfriends at school? Why did you have to tell her anything, for that matter? And most important of all, what in the world are doing you talking about other women? A charming man never throws potential competition up in his girlfriend’s face unless he absolutely has to.
So right there you made a pair of humongous mistakes. Dana should be dropping you instead of vice-versa, Charlie. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy you got it all back-asswards!” To you Psych majors, KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTHS SHUT!
So, you hung out with Terri – just the two of you -- a few times? Another big boo-boo. It showed disloyalty to Dana. When you insist on spending time with your girl buddies, you have to do it in a crowd. Spending time with another girl in private only invites trouble. Could you expect Dana to see it as anything but a threat? Come on, Charlie, use your head.
You should have been asking yourself whether telling Dana about Terri could possibly help your relationship. Why would talking about another girl make Dana like you more and raise Interest Level, that’s the issue here. And the answer is that it can’t. Charlie, are you sure you want to drop this girl?
The next thing that makes no rational sense is why you would possibly want to introduce Terri to Dana. I assume that you and Dana just happened to bump into Terri somewhere. I hope to God you didn’t actually set up a meeting among the three of you. Why would you want to throw two kitty-kats together, especially when things were going perfectly between you and Dana? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Were you looking for trouble here, bro? Or were you out to stroke your own ego?”
Instead of offering Terri an extra bed at your place, you should have driven her to a hotel room, made sure she got safely into bed, said good night, threw the keys on the bed, then slammed the door like a cool guy would, and just written off the 60 bucks for the Motel 6.
But most of you guys usually do all the wrong things. You’ve got to learn how to be innovative. You’ve got to learn how to think on the spot. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “If you wanna survive, man, you gotta learn how to dance!”
You should never have brought Dana into this whole thing in the first place.
It’s not your female friends Dana has trouble with, Charlie – it’s YOU. It’s the way you’re presenting these women to her. You’re doing it all wrong, dude.
Don’t go worrying about how Dana will handle your future career working with women. You’re getting way ahead of yourself here. Heck, odds are she won’t even be around by the time that happens.
I would certainly hope Dana has fewer problems than you. And that’s why I know she won’t be hanging around all that much longer. This whole mess has nothing to do with her jealousy. It has to do with RESPECT – your lack of it. It’s the way you’re explaining your relationships with other women that’s turning Dana off. And you’re doing it all incorrectly because you haven’t memorized my philosophies. As a matter of fact, I can hear Dana’s Interest Level doing a painful nosedive even as we speak.
You’re definitely not ready for marriage, Chuck. And by the way, what do you call Dana – Mom? What’s this 29-year-old gorgeous lady doing with a baby? Aren’t there laws against that sort of thing? Don’t forget, Mary Kay Letourneau did hard time for robbing the cradle.
You absolutely should go out and date other women, but not because you’re so young. You have to get out there because you have so much to learn!
Remember, guys: if you want to protect your heart, you’d better internalize my rules.
How did Sinatra Handle the Married
Ones?
Hey Doc,
First of all, let me say that I’ve been reading your columns for a couple of months now and find your perspective unique and very interesting. I don’t know if it will work with every problem a guy has with women, but your writing is certainly lively and funny. It’s nice to find a love doctor who actually has a sense of humor!
Anyway, I have a peculiar problem I was hoping you might be able to help me with. I was recently widowed (six months ago) after decades of marriage. I knew my wife’s death was coming, but it was still a shock. I think I might still be in a state of shock, frankly, and because of that I’m reluctant to even approach a woman.
What’s complicating this situation is that I seem to keep running into unhappily married women who show an interest in me. These are women who I’ve met through my work. (I own a small manufacturing business.) I’ll give you examples.
First there’s Dominique, a stunning Frenchwoman who is married to an American man. He’s a successful financial analyst; a very nice man (I’ve met him a couple of times) and they have two young children. The problem, says Dominique, is that she’s not in love with her husband anymore. He doesn’t pay attention to her and is always working. They are well off and have all the trappings, it goes without saying. She claims that she is physically attracted to me, but so far when we’ve been alone, she has made no move to touch me.
Another example is Ava, a gorgeous redhead in the process of getting separated from her wealthy stockbroker husband. They have five kids, and her complaints about her soon-to-be-ex are the same as Dominique’s, with the addition that Ava’s husband is also mentally and physically abusive. Ava and her kids are also well provided for, but she’s not happy. She also says she’s attracted to me, but when we went for a walk in the park the other day, she said that she “wasn’t ready” to go any further at this point because her head’s “not right.” But what threw me for a loop is that she revealed to me right afterward that she’s already dating a musician.
Do you see a pattern here, Doc? Both women seem to have the same problems with husbands who don’t give them positive attention but have provided for them financially. Do THEY have a problem? Should I push the issue with them as far as romance is concerned? Like I said, I admit that I’m not sure what I’m doing because of my fragile state of mind. Please help me figure out what to do, as I’m very attracted to both of these lovely women.
Quentin - who doesn’t have his act together yet
Hi Quentin,
First of all, let me remove any doubts you have about my method. It’s simple: “The System” works with every problem with every woman because it’s THE TRUTH.
Now that you mention it, the other love doctors out there aren’t very funny, are they? It’s amazing how unfunny they can be and still have any kind of following. Especially that buffoon Carolyn Hax, whose answers I can’t even understand, let alone get a chuckle out of.
And thanks for the compliment, Quentin. If you can still manage a laugh despite your tribulations, you’re going to make it.
That said, I’m very, very sorry to hear of your wife’s passing, and it’s going to take you a long time to get over it. But you must remember that life does go on. As Woody Allen said in one of his films, “Life is for the living.”
Now let’s take a look at your situation. First you tell me you keep “running into” unhappily married women. But you only give me two examples, and these gals are coming to you for business reasons. You haven’t talked about trying to meet females by working the Internet, or going to a dance club, or attending a cooking class or an awareness seminar. The point is that you’re really not going out and consciously “meeting” this type of woman. You’re at a vulnerable point in your life right now, but when we think about the next 10 years -- assuming you go on trying to hustle women -- you’re going to be meeting all kinds from all over the map, so don’t think Dominique and Ava are it. They just appear to be it for the time being.
Did you ask Dominique if when she married her poor sap of a husband she was in love with him? That’s what you should have fired back at her at the beginning, and then you’d have found out what the deal really was. Sure the guy’s always busting his hump – how do you think he procures all the trappings to keep his queen happy? Don’t you see that, Quentin? And don’t for a minute jump to the conclusion that the mess she’s in is definitely the fault of her husband. What she’s handing you is just Womanese for “I’m bored, and I need to play with someone else’s head for a while!”
Here’s another question you should have asked her: how does she think her kids are going to be provided for after she dumps hubby? I hate to have to break this to you, pal, but Dominique’s selfish, and all she’s thinking about is herself, not her kids. And they deserve to be thought about. After all, like my cousin Brother Love says, “The little ones didn’t ask for your misery, did they?”
At first glance, your second honey, Ava, is a slightly better bet – at least she’s in the process of getting out. But let me get this straight. Ava makes love to a man who physically and mentally abuses her, has five kids with him, and then figures out that he’s bad news? As Fast Eddie Love would say, “A little late, baby, a little late!”
But I must admit, Quentin, that at least you’re meeting the rich ones. And guess what? To you guys who are always complaining about all the Beautiful Women marrying rich dudes, just because they’re married to them doesn’t mean they’re happy!
When Ava told you her head wasn’t right, you should have looked at her with the sweetest expression and said, “That’s the nicest thing anyone could ever say to me.” And then given her a big Christopher Walken or Dennis Quai