Did Ashton Have to
Convince Demi to Forget Bruce?
Ive been seeing Jeanna for several months
now. I believe that she has high Interest Level in
me (she cooks for me and always tells me how much
she misses me). She also calls me at work everyday.
Pretty good, right?
Well, here are my problems. Jeannas
boyfriends before me were in our
mid-twenties were all significantly older,
some as old as 50. She thinks I dress too
young (jeans and tee shirts) and buys me
clothes to make me look older.
(Translation - I want him to resemble my much
Recently we had a major confrontation at her
birthday party, which was held at a bar. Jeanna got
really drunk and started complaining that I was
always uptight. Later on in the evening she broke
down in tears and started talking about her
ex-boyfriend of four years (they broke up a year
before she met me), and how heartbroken over the
old guy she still is. It was embarrassing for me
because everyone heard her.
Well, I decided that I would end it in two
weeks, which gave me time to collect my things from
Jeannas house. But the day after the
incident, I confronted her about what happened at
the bar. She said she was too drunk to remember
what she said and that she never meant a word of
She then said she loved me and begged me to
forgive her. I agreed, on the condition that she
will change a few things about herself
basically to stop thinking and talking about these
stupid ex-boyfriends. And for some reason her
fixation on guys old enough to be her father really
Doc, am I making a big mistake by taking her
back? Your advice is greatly appreciated.
Jo-Jo - who suddenly doesnt know what to
This sounds great! Dude, you got it made! You
have yourself a girl with high Interest Level who
cooks for you and who cant stop telling you
how much she misses you. Can you imagine how many
guys DONT have what you have now?
But youve got problems. Well, Im
SHOCKED! You mean this isnt a clean deal? I
thought you said this girl was perfect. What the
heck happened in the space of a couple sentences?
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, My son, this
is what happens when you havent known her
With her clothes fetish maybe Jeanna really
wants you to resemble her exes, but theres
another possibility. Maybe she just doesnt
want you to look like a bum anymore. This situation
exists with lots of couples. Youll see the
guy slouching around in flip-flops, tee-shirts and
torn jeans and looking like he never saw a shaver
razor or the inside of a barber shop, and his girl
is decked out in a nice dress with boots and
jewelry and looks like a clotheshorse that stepped
out of a shopping catalogue. Women always try and
overdress men. So if Jeannas doing this not
to make you look older but to prevent you from
getting arrested for vagrancy, I would take it as a
positive and use it for the purpose of
self-improvement. On the other hand, as my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, You gotta remember that
this girl does like old bananas.
Lets look at what happened at the infamous
birthday party. Is this the first time in a few
months Jeannas gotten inebriated? How many
drinks per date does she usually down? How come
youre not telling me that, pal?
After she called the bartender over for the
fifth time, thats when she told you
youre way too uptight for her. Like my cousin
Sal The Fish Love says, Is that
because she gets real loose when she has a few
pops? Or is she saying that just because she
doesnt want you picking out your own
Once Jeanna started bawling at the bar, you
should have changed the environment fast. You
couldnt tell all the guests to leave, but you
could have left. And, guy, you should have gotten
right out of there the minute the waterworks
started. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
Whats wrong with you, boy? You sat
there while she talked about an old flame and there
were 150 people in the room giggling.
But in reality youve got a worse problem.
When you confronted Jeanna about this embarrassing
incident afterward, you were talking to a girl
whose Interest Level was below 50%. And the Reality
Factor says that this means she could care less. So
you werent really confronting anything. If
this girls Interest Level was up at 85% or
95%, then youd be truly doing something. But
as it stands now, her interest is well below the
Mason-Dixon Line. You just think its on the
Now let me ask you this: if this girl said she
was too drunk to remember what she said at the
party, how does she know she didnt mean it?
Like Ive told you guys again and again, when
you interrogate girls you have to be like love
detectives on Love And Order and pick up on the
discrepancies in their stories. You let her off the
hook on that one, man.
Whats interesting though, is the topic she
did just happen to pick to blab about when she was
bombed. She could have talked about how much she
loved her parents, or even better, how much she
loved you. But what does she do? She goes back four
years to some guy whos living in a
convalescent home. And she cant stop going on
Even though Im not a shrink, if shes
that into grandfathers, its my guess that she
didnt have a solid father figure in her
house. If she wants to daydream about guys who are
about ready to go up to Boot Hill, thats her
prerogative. But shes with you. Why? You must
be strong in other areas because youre not an
old geezer. So she overlooked that in you, probably
because youre funny and confident and
good-looking. But now that youre falling
apart, its not working anymore. And all she
can think about is how lousy you look in your
Remember, guys: how old you are is part of the
physical attraction test.
Would Tyra Banks ever
Pick-up the Tab?
The System is great! Its
really helped me both in dealing with women and
with people in my field (research immunology), for
their true motives.
However, Im having a tough time figuring
out Lara, since her red flags arent clear. My
gut tells me to forget her. I met her on
catholicsingles.com. She contacted me first and is
five years older (33 to my 28). After several
humorous exchanges she asked me if Im as
funny in person and gave me her number. I called
her and we set a date.
She arrived 15 minutes early and we had a couple
of drinks. She never touched me once. We laughed a
lot and she seemed to be having a good time. After
two hours I let her know that I had to leave since
I had an early workday coming up. Not knowing her
Interest Level, I walked her to her car and gave
her a very brief kiss. She smiled and said
The next day I got an e-mail thanking me for a
great time. I waited four days and called her for
another weeknight date. She accepted. We bowled and
then went out to eat. I paid for the bowling part,
but she picked up the tab at the restaurant. But
still no touching. I kissed her more passionately
at the end of the night. She said it was nice
kissing me and I left. I got another e-mail the
Now heres the confusing part. We went out
the other night again, over a week after date
number two. We went ice-skating, but still no
touching. She suggested drinks afterwards. We went,
and she ordered food. I picked up the tab since she
didnt offer. She then wanted to go to a
microbrewery. I also picked up the tab there. I
kissed her at the end again. No e-mail this
My question is this. Is Lara a serial dater? Was
her one offer to pick up the tab a smokescreen?
Im a medical resident and she has an MBA and
has been working for 10-plus years, so obviously
were in different income brackets. I find it
rude that on our last date she wouldnt at
least offer to pay (red flag!), considering the
bill was around $70. Also, the lack of touching
What should I do, Doc? She does kiss and seem to
enjoy it, but then again Anna Nicole Smith married
an 87-year-old guy. Although she has talked about
the future and invited herself over to help me
paint my condo, her other behavior strikes me as
odd. Maybe this is why shes still single at
Kevin - whos straining to see the forest
through the trees
Lots of guys tell me that The System
carries over beautifully into their business lives.
And thats because I consciously injected the
principles of successful sales into dating and
love, which the people who teach Psychology 101
would never think of doing.
After scratching my head over your letter, I
just hope youre clear on what a red flag is,
pal. Lara went after you first, right? That happens
to be a GREEN flag. She asked if you were as funny
in person? Thats a personal question --
another GREEN flag. She gave you her telephone
number. A third GREEN flag. She didnt turn
you down when you called her for a date. I hate to
tell you this, Kevin, but thats yet another
GREEN flag. Are you sure you read my stuff?
Now Ill admit that its bad that Lara
never touched you once. But lets see what
else she brings to the plate. Like my cousin
General Love says, Thats only one
warning in a sea of green flags!
Im going to compliment you on a couple of
things here, Kevin. It was perfect that you were
the one who ended the first date. You got out of
there, man. Most guys would have hung around until
one in the morning, and waited until the girl
started yawning and brought up the fact that she
had to leave because she had a busy day at work the
And when you gave her a kiss at the end of the
date, you CLOSED. Fantastic! Now if shed
turned her head, which would most definitely have
been a red flag. But she didnt. So all
were seeing is green flags.
But you should have waited a little longer
before calling Lara for a second date. You phoned
her too soon. Whats the hurry, pal? Like my
cousin Rabbi Love, says, Dont go
rushing in and ruining everything. Therell be
time enough for that later!
The woman is not supposed to pay for any of the
first 10 dates, Kevin. But this girl popped for a
restaurant bill. Shes a GIVER. Shes
doing 99% of everything right; so dont get
hung up on the rule.
As far as the touching goes, youre kissing
her, shes kissing you back, and shes
not turning her head. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, Boy, Id rather get kissed than be
touched on the arm any ol day
wouldnt you? But youre telling
yourself, She complimented my kiss, but she
didnt touch my arm! Oh, hell, Id better
get rid of her! Makes sense to me!
The girls not even supposed to offer to
pay for your dates, Kevin. I dont know where
in the world you got that cockamamie idea. She
already sprang for one date. Do you expect her to
pay for everything? Would Cary Grant or Diddy
expect a girl to pay? Come on!
Kevin, youre completely misreading what a
red flag is. But youre ticked off anyway.
What did the microbrewery cost you? Thirteen bucks?
Did that break you? Know why she didnt e-mail
you after that date? Like my cousin Sal The
Fish Love says, Because you didnt
buy her enough beer!
Laras not a serial dater. Let me remind
you again -- shes kissing you. Shes
going out with you every time you ask her.
Shes sending you e-mails. (And when she
doesnt, youre supposed to wait a lot
longer than four days to call her for your next
date. When they back off, you back WAY off.)
This babe didnt send up a smokescreen.
Youre blowing everything out of proportion.
When she paid for a date, it was a good sign. To
you Psych majors, its not what the IRS says
that matters here. You pay because you asked Lara
out. If she asks you out, she pays for the date.
She hasnt done that yet.
I dont know where your mind is, Kevin, but
it was rude that you even thought about wanting
this girl to pay. Count her kisses forget
the arm-touches. And next time, take her out on a
cheaper date if money is an issue. But the point is
this: as soon as you get out of school youll
be making a lot of money. Heck, youll make
what Lara makes and more. You ought to be happy
that she brings down more jack than you -- but you
dont get any of it until you raise her
Interest Level over a long period of time. Just
wait a little longer to call her next time.
Its true that Anna Nicole Smith married a
geezer, but I bet youre not even as
good-looking as he was. Lara offered to paint your
condo for you, she kisses you goodnight, and you
want her to buy meals on top of it all?
Her behavior isnt odd at all. Its
your misinterpretation of my principles thats
the real problem here. Maybe Laras still
single at 33 because the only guys who ask her out
are guys like you.
Remember, guys: if she does 90 things right,
dont get rid of her because she does one
Did Howard Hughes Ever
Have Trouble Getting a Date?
I have two problems, and I hope you can help
Heres the first. While most people have
developed normally, it appears that other people
(like me) do not, and we lack social skills
compared to normal people. My problem
is purely mental, not physical. I am not crazy or
violent, just deficient in certain areas of brain
Doc, this makes it easy for me to commit social
faux pas. Sometimes when people address me, I might
not understand exactly what theyre saying. My
hearing is perfect, but sometimes I draw a blank.
Also, my lack of solid social skills means that
some people might think Im odd or weird.
Ive gotten better by learning and trying
harder, but these problems are likely to last a
So you can probably see where my second problem
-- with women -- comes in. It can be hard to keep
up in conversations, and I think they pick up on
how different I am. Im a
decent-looking fellow, and Ive had some
rather pretty girls flirt with me, but I dont
have the Confidence to use your techniques because
Im not sure they would work for someone like
How am I supposed to be Confident when I stumble
in conversations and make mistakes? My problems
also attract attention from the worst kind of
people those who enjoy cutting me down in
front of others, especially pretty women, as it
gives them a rush. There is nothing more
emasculating than being cut down in front of a
pretty woman. Its worse because I guess you
could say Im a nice guy and
dont fight back well.
Doc, what should I do? How can I be a winner
when people have always (and will likely continue)
to bring me down in front of Beautiful Women? I
dont know what to do, and at times I can feel
Roger - who cant feel like a winner when
he feels like a loser
You got two problems, pal? Youre real
lucky! Most people have at least 11!
Roger, sometimes normal people
commit blunders, too. Youre basically an okay
guy; you just make a lot more mistakes than other
guys, thats all. Whereas the so-called
typical person on the street makes 20 boo-boos, you
Like the great Doctor Freud once said, Of
course your problem is purely mental. Maybe
you had lousy parents. And if it wasnt them
who screwed you up, then maybe you werent
born with a full deck. In life, everyone has
shortcomings of some kind, even Jessica Simpson and
Colin Farrell. What a surprise! But were
going to give it a shot anyway.
First you should go and see a counselor a
guy or gal with a sheepskin, one who specializes in
treating your type of problem. But like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, Dont spend your money
for more than three months if something good
When you dont understand what people are
talking about, heres what you say:
Excuse me. Could you repeat that a little
more slowly? Then smile. Write those words
down on a three-by-five card, okay? Whenever you
get lost in a conversation, pull the card out and
use it. Its your security blanket.
Lots of people draw blanks in conversations,
Roger, dont forget that. My book is full of
witty and brilliant things to say to women, so that
should be your first stop. You dont sound
that bad off to me. Its just that you
havent been exposed to the correct training
or experience. And, like my cousin Sal The
Fish Love says, I think youre
laying a heavy trip on yourself. Give yourself a
My friend, there are lots of loser guys out
there who say the wrong stuff all the time, so
dont feel like youre alone. Youre
being way too hard on yourself. And that can set
you back straight out of the gate, no matter who
But lets concede that you might have a
lack of social skills anyway. What are you going to
do about it? March down to Barnes and Noble and
pick up a book of etiquette. Youre going to
put it right next to the Dating Dictionary and
youre going to study it. Then youre
going to get a book on how to be a good speaker and
do the same. Youre going to make your index
cards and use them when you have to. And
youre going to practice, practice, practice,
until you know whats on those cards like you
know your first name.
Look at it this way: if someone asks you your
first name, you dont get stumped by that,
right? Its the same principle. The point is
that you can be coached. Like my cousin General
Love says, Youre not completely
hopeless, soldier. You should see what I have to
put out there on the dating battlefield!
But you say youve gotten better, Roger.
Fantastic! To you Psych majors, as long as you
improve, thats whats important. I
dont care if the trip to becoming the
reincarnation of Cary Grant is 50 million miles, as
long as youre on the right track and going
forward and Roger, you are. Just the fact
that you wrote a letter proves it. So you are doing
some things right. Thats what you have to
So when youre with women, you smile and
show your teeth like they do. When they stop
talking, you stop talking, until youre
comfortable with your rap and can guide the
conversation. And I hope that when these pretty
women flirted with you, you said Hey,
whats your home phone number?
Let me ask you something, Rog. If you want to
dig a hole, would you rather use a spoon or a
spade? Dude, The System is a power
shovel. Youd be a fool not to use it. I get
letters from guys all over the world. One of my
loyal students in India, whos turning into a
love doctor himself, called me recently. His buddy
was about to commit hari-kari over some babe who
dumped him. And my student talked him out of it by
using some of the materials from my book. Now
Im not going to tell you that my principles
prevent suicide. But in this case it sure helped
and if it could hold someone back from
smoking the tailpipe, it could sure as heck help
you to be more social!
So what youre going to do is use shorter
sentences, guy, so your tongue doesnt get
tied in a knot. Youre going to find a way to
get the woman to carry most of the conversation.
Youre also going to go to Toastmasters and
talk about The System. The first time
you get up on the podium youre going to make
88 mistakes. But the next time up youre only
going to make 87. The third time it will be 86. And
so on. Then youre headed in the right
Regarding the mean-spirited people you run into,
why dont you just walk away from them? Why do
you hang around for a beating? But if you have to
stay, get the upper hand, turn it to your
advantage. Say what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would
say to a hot babe who was putting him down: I
love it when you beat me! And then grin like
Christopher Walken. On second thought, smile like
But you dont have to fight back at all,
Roger. Just walk off. Or disarm that Beautiful
Woman who mocks you. Do you think its
loving and hospitable, to torture me just because I
cant get out three words in a row?
Thats what you say to her. You have to use
humor. If other guys cut you down in front of
pretty women, just split, simple as that. Change
your environment. If its too hot in the
kitchen, get out.
Why are you so convinced that your pattern of
failure will never change? How can you predict the
future? See your therapist, Roger. Then well
grow you a PERSONALITY. If you do what I tell you,
if youre patient and dont put yourself
down, and you realize that theres a light at
the end of the tunnel, the truth will change
But if youre convinced that youre a
lost cause, theres not much I can do. I may
be able to get any guy in the world a date, but
Im not a miracle worker.
Remember, guys: nobodys perfect.
Is Angelina too
"Touchy" for Brad?
Ive been with Shana -- a stewardess and a
9 -- for six months. She has a lot of
good qualities and values on top of her gorgeous
looks. Shes kind, giving, and caring. I have
done tests on her and she's definitely
not in love with my bank account (Im quite
well fixed through my various investments) and is
certainly with me for who I am.
Shana was the one who first said the
L word. I believe her Interest Level is
around 95%, as she always talks about our future,
how much she loves me, that she cant wait to
get married, and that she cant wait to have
kids with me. A few times she has also given me
hints like where's my ring, and on a
daily basis she says I love you over 20
times, while I keep my responses to a third of that
in order to stay a Challenge.
Heres the problem. Shana is very
touchy -- too touchy --
with random guys she meets while were out. I
have spoken to her about it and asked her how
shed feel if I was touchy and all over the
girls I meet. She says that while this is the
person she has always been, shell work on it
if it bothers me. I have seen some changes in her,
but shes still in contact with a bunch of her
ex-boyfriends. Her excuse is that she's close to
the families of these guys or she has mutual
friends with them.
I have a software setup that automatically
e-mails me all the communications done through
Shanas computer and I also have the password
to her e-mail accounts. Every day I track her
e-mails and responses. What Ive noticed in
her e-mails to her ex-boyfriends is nothing really
threatening. They just talk about their new lives,
but she never mentions the fact that she has a new
boyfriend me -- that she really loves. And
theres nothing about the guys new
Since Shana travels around the world, Im
concerned with what she does when she flies to
other countries. If shes too friendly and
touchy when Im around, what is she doing when
Im not there?
Should I be concerned, or am I being too hard on
Clem - who feels uncomfortable with how she
Shana is a gorgeous flight attendant with good
qualities? Who could ask for more? This is great,
man! You know what this means? It means shes
going to be on a plane most of the time, and
youll have the house all to yourself to do
whatever you want. Youre so fortunate!
Shana was the first one to say the L
word? Clem, what you should be saying is that she
was the ONLY one to say the L word! You
used the wrong word, my friend.
You mean to tell me that you think that
youre a Challenge by telling your girlfriend
only seven times a day how much you love her? Uh,
yeah, sure. You have to go back and read my book a
little more, pal. I think you missed a few
But you shouldnt have criticized Shana for
touching guys (though well get into her
touchiness more a little later). You
should have told her that you were concerned for
her security. When youre trying to sell
something to someone, dude, you dont tell
them that its a benefit to you you
pitch the benefit to them. Like my cousin Sal
The Fish Love says, How did you
get rich, man?
Heres what you should have said:
Honey, one day youre going to touch
somebody and the guys going to turn out to be
a loon. Youve seen American Justice.
Youve seen City Confidential. You know what
kinds of whackos are running around out there. And
thats what I worry about. Youre just a
little too friendly with strangers.
Notice that Shana didnt tell you that she
was wrong when you pointed out her touchy behavior?
It means shes structured, guy. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, Son, beware of the woman who
cant admit her errors.
Clem, we dont want Shana to
work on anything. We want her to say,
Im so glad youre concerned about
my welfare and safety. Think about it. When
shes walking your four-year-old daughter
around the mall and some goof is acting nuts, is
Shana going to be talking to strangers then? Is she
going to hug the guy because he tells her she looks
But youve seen changes in Shana since you
two talked. Thats good. At least shes
listening. As long as theres some improvement
in her behavior, youre moving in the right
direction. Remember her SECURITY.
So this girl has loads of ex-boyfriends. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Does that mean
Shana and I shot a few games of pool somewhere one
night? I want to say something to all you
girls out there. When you meet a guy, please
dont have any contact with anybody you ever
went out with in the past.
Im sure this stewardess is the
super-friendly type, but theres no reason for
her to stay close to the families of her exes,
because those boyfriends are gone. Or they should
I see that youre playing James Bond on
Shana by snooping on her e-mails. Beautiful! It
proves that youve read the Dating Dictionary
at least once. And like my cousin General Love says
Alls fair in love and war.
But the fact that she has a new boyfriend
shes allegedly madly in love with YOU
-- and doesnt mention him is a huge RED FLAG.
And lets face it buddy, these other guys
arent talking about their new girlfriends or
you because they still want Shana. To you Psych
majors, the ex-boyfriends are dying to get back
So youre concerned about her flying all
over the globe and touching all those foreigners?
Like the great Doctor Freud once said, I
could answer your question about what shes
doing when youre not there, but youd
probably commit suicide.
That said, I do think that youre being too
hard on Shana. The Reality Factor says that in
every deal theres going to be something you
dont like. You got a touchy-feely
girlfriend on your hands. In your case the fact
that she drapes herself all over every guy she
meets is the downside. But if shes got
everything else going for her, Id learn to
overlook it if I were you.
But in the end you have to figure out how
youre built, Clem. Is Shanas touchy
nature a deal-killer? Only you can answer that
question. If this habit of hers is going to
irritate the hell out of you, you better give it
lots of thought because shes going to be
touching guys for the next 40 years.
Remember, guys: its tough to love a girl
who cant keep her hands off other men.
Does Mick Jagger ever have
Trouble Finding Women?
I am a regular reader of your columns, which I
like very much.
To cut to the chase, heres my problem.
Unlike most of the men who write you for advice,
Im not young. No one out there offers advice
for guys 60 years of age and over, including
Before you tell me that Im probably a
walking disaster and thats why I cant
find women, let me tell you that Im very
successful, youthful and still like to rock. I have
a young persons mentality and am full of life
for my age.
But let me be honest about what us older guys
face out here. There are no women unless we go
chasing younger babes around, and that can get
dangerous. Most single women who are 45 and older
look like hell. (Theres no more gentle way to
put it.) Theyve let themselves go for so many
years that they flat-out look terrible. Im
not saying that all of them look bad, but I
dont have any idea where to find the ones who
Doc, Id like to date women closer to my
own age, frankly, because wed have more in
common than I would with a 20-year-old, but most of
these women are very fat. Im slim and
handsome. I dont want a pudgy, out-of-shape
woman hanging on my arm.
So how about some advice for guys over 60? Where
do we go to find attractive women? What should we
say and do? Are we dead because were members
of AARP or collecting pensions and/or Social
Security? Should we just stay at home and watch TV
instead of going out there and living to the
There are more of us out here looking for dates
than you might think. So any helpful hints would be
Luca - who doesnt think hes over the
You got one thing right, pal youre
not young anymore. But that has nothing to do with
anything. Because if youre 60 and you meet a
beautiful, svelte 54-year-old nurse, you still have
to say Caprice, whats your home phone
number? The same as if youre 19 and
youre drinking beer with a sorority girl --
you still have to say Caprice, whats
your home phone number? To you Psych majors,
THE PRINCIPLES ARE ALWAYS THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT
AGE YOU ARE.
Luca, I DO offer advice for guys over 60. Are
you sure you read my book? As I said up above,
its all the same thing. Why do you insist
that its not?
What should you do and say to a woman? The same
thing you should always do and say. Youre
going to keep the conversation light and funny.
Youre going to smile. Heres what
youre not going to do. Youre not going
to stare at her chest. And youre not going to
tell her how much you hate your ex-girlfriends and
Dude, you dont have to convince me that
youre youthful for your age. What you have to
do is find your counterpart in a female. Its
going to be a little tougher, though, because of
your age. But if youre patient youll
Look at the statistics, my friend. America is
52% women to 48% men. Women outlive men by seven
years. So theyre out there, all right. But
you say that lots of women look like hell. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, My son, youre
not practicing the falsehood of unconditional
love! And yes, its true that lots of
them also look terrible. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, Boy, you aint never gonna be no
guest on Oprahs show!
But there happens to be a large percentage of
women who do take care of themselves, and
thats what you need. Im going to show
you where to find the ones who look good. But
first, Luca, you have to open your mind and not be
Of course youre going to have more in
common with a woman your own age than you would
with Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Not to mention
that the Reality Factor says that theyll take
one look at you and say Hi, Grandpop!
So you cant be too upset when the young babes
look at you like youre a telephone pole. Or
like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, You know
youre in trouble when they start calling you
So where do you find attractive women? You go to
the same places that the 22-year-old guy goes to.
Or the 32-year-old or the 42-year-old. You want to
think that the rules are different for us guys over
60. But theyre not. You came charging in with
your agenda, but you dont know what
youre talking about, buddy. Like I said
before, open your mind up.
Since you want a gal whos in great shape,
you have to do something PHYSICAL. Join a few
outdoor clubs. You have to hang around the ladies
who like to go hiking, or get yourself into some
dance events or classes. Try the Sierra Club or
join a tennis league if you play tennis. Then take
a look at the women who are involved in those
activities. Theyre all skinny! Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, Maybe Oprah
should dance! Eventually youll see a
54-year-old who looks like Christie Brinkley and
youre on your way.
What you do then is ask for the home phone
number. Then you meet her at Starbucks. Then
youre going to take her on your first big
date, just like the 20-year-olds. In other words,
its all the same whether youre wet
behind the ears or a geriatric case. And dont
forget that youre going to make her laugh,
and youre going to show her manners and
Luca, youre not dead because youre
just a few years away from assisted living. The
odds are just going to be a little rougher when she
sees your false teeth or your walker. But even some
of those really old guys do all right. Youll
get over it with my coaching.
And dont forget, you only need to find one
good one. You have to make sure, though, that
youre prepared and that you have all the
important information memorized when you do find
her, otherwise youre going to get some great
opportunities, and then make all the same boo-boos.
Then youll be lonely again and blame it on
the fact that youre over the hill, when in
fact you just turn the girls off in spite of your
great looks and success.
Remember, guys: when you meet her, youd
better be prepared to keep her.
How Does Nicholas Cage get
ride of Her Kid?
Ive been seeing Taylor for three months
now. She is a very attractive, educated 38-year-old
woman with a six-year-old son. She gives me some
good buying signals, and really seems to enjoy
being around me. Shes always asking me
personal questions and laughs at my dumb jokes.
I call Taylor at four- to six-day intervals (max
five minutes of talking) to schedule dates and we
go out once or twice a week, usually Tuesdays
and/or Sundays. She has never turned down a date
recommendation from me. She is always available and
ready to go out whenever I want to. She has offered
to pay for meals and other things several times, so
I dont think shes a Professional Dater.
I get along fine with her son, and she has even
discussed going on vacation with me somewhere. When
she does, I remain noncommittal and immediately
change the subject to something more humorous and
Here are my problems with Taylor. 1. We never go
anywhere without her son because she says she
cant get a decent babysitter. 2. She sits in
the back seat with her son whenever we drive
anywhere. 3. She has failed the kiss test twice in
the time we have been going out. 4. Ive
invited Taylor over to my house three times for
lunch or coffee and cake, but have not once been
invited to her place.
I am getting ready to ditch this girl even
though I really like her and admire her intellect.
Ive read your book three times from front to
back, and I think a lot of it is starting to click,
but this girl is sending some very mixed
Should I ditch Taylor and concentrate on my
other regular dates? Or am I missing something? I
dont mind a platonic relationship with
Taylor, but if I really wanted that I would be
hanging out with my buddies -- not some gorgeous,
Louie - who needs some coaching from the
All of this sounds fine, but you didnt
mention anything in your letter about Taylor
complimenting you or touching you. Is that because
you dont have my book memorized yet?
Dont be so quick to classify Taylor as
someone whos not a Professional Dater. What
you dont realize is that there is a type of
Professional Dater who offers to pay. Why? Because
you relieve her boredom, or she thinks youre
a nice guy, or shes just a drifter. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Dont get
all excited, pal. Shes just passing
Its nice that Taylor wants to travel to
Hawaii with you, but are you going with her alone
or will her kid be on the surfboard too? Did you
happen to ask Taylor about that? Its great,
though, that in general you stay off the heavy
subjects. Youre not doing everything
But you do have problems with Taylor, which
shows that shes got a bad side. Darn. Up
until now she sounded perfect.
Lets examine your problems one by one.
1. She cant find a babysitter. Let me ask
you a question. If I gave Taylor a million bucks to
find a decent babysitter, do you think she could do
it? Of course she could! Its not like
youre asking her to fly through the air with
a basketball like Michael Jordan, which is never
going to happen. But lets face it, man -- she
could find a babysitter if she really wanted to.
And it would mean she has high Interest Level in
you. What her actions say is that her interest in
you is not in the 90s.
2. She sits with her son in the back seat. This
is okay, since youre babysitting. Thats
the real deal here. Taylors getting you used
to her little kid in the event you want to marry
her. Because hes going to be with you all the
time, probably even when youre sleeping after
you and Taylor get hitched. Heres another way
to look at it. If this girl really digs you (though
we dont know for sure yet) and shes
thinking long-term, shes telling you up front
that this is going to be a package deal -- her AND
her son. So in that sense, what shes doing is
good. What I dont dig is introducing the kid
to all these different guys. Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, How many uncles can one child
have? I dont think its good for
3. She failed the kiss test. Are you telling me
youve been out with this girl 90 days and she
does everything right except that shes failed
the kiss test twice? I hope you understand what
failed really means. Youre in
trouble here, dude.
4. She doesnt invite you to her house.
This is an easy one. The Reality Factor says that
the reason Taylor doesnt want you in her
house is because she doesnt want you in her
Hey, I like Taylors intellect too. Like
the great Doctor Freud once said, I mean, you
have to love the fact that shes playing all
these games with you and you dont have a
You may have read my book three times, Louie,
but only a very small percentage of it is clicking.
Like my cousin General Love says, Youve
got three down and only 126 to go.
Taylors not sending you mixed signals.
Shes just working you like a master by
offering to pay. But remember that you have her to
your house but she doesnt have you to hers.
Why? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, Yo, dog -- maybe shes got another
boyfriend or two stashed there. And keep this
in mind: if this girl really dug you, wouldnt
she want to kiss you after three whole months?
I love your use of the word ditch.
Its like trying to get rid of someone
whos not there. Youre making it sound
like Taylors Interest Level is in the
stratosphere and youre going to break her
heart if you dont call her again. The truth
is that her Interest Level is only somewhere
between 40% to 49%. What youve got here is a
Professional Dater who offers to pay.
Youre not missing anything, dude. You just
have to study harder, thats all.
Remember, guys: if shes inconsistent, she
cant have high Interest Level.
Does Jack Nicholson
ever Dump One Babe for Another?
First off, let me say that The
System is brilliant, but I hope you can help
me fix my problem so I dont have to use
Ive known Tori over a year, since she
started working as a server at the restaurant where
Im a bartender. Right off we had a great
friendship. We hung out all the time and had fun
being together. A couple months later she told me
she had feelings for me and wanted to know if
Id be interested in dating her. At the time I
was in a long-distance relationship with Laurel, so
I told her I couldnt. Tori said it was cool,
but she kept pursuing me anyway. I have to say it
was a nice ego boost to have her pretty much
throwing herself at me. Before I go any further,
you should know that the whole time I had feelings
for Tori as well, but I dont cheat. One night
when Tori and I were at a party she pulled me aside
and told me she loved me. I told her that I had
feelings for her too, but that I was still with
Finally I broke off with Laurel so I could be
with Tori. I realized that I was in love with her
and had been for some time. I went over to
Toris house to tell her how I felt, only to
find out she was seeing a guy named Dustin! Their
relationship didnt last long, but I
questioned what I was doing. Anyway, shortly
afterwards Tori and I started holding hands and
acting the way couples do.
Then I had to travel out of the country. Tori
was upset about it and I didnt know how to
make her feel better. I got into an accident
overseas and ended up spending two weeks in the
hospital. I called Tori as often as I could. When I
got home I poured my heart out to her, telling her
I loved her and that I would give her the
Well, Doc, she told me she didnt feel the
same about me anymore! I was crushed and still am.
She still likes to cuddle with me and she calls me
sometimes, but she runs hot and cold. I am in love
with her but Im not sure what to do with this
back and forth stuff. I know she has a lot of
stress in her life, and I want to help her with it.
Please Doc, tell me whats going on in her
mind. Is there any way to fix this relationship?
Im even thinking I made a mistake in dumping
Donovan - who lost everything
All I had to do was read the first sentence of
your letter to know exactly where you are: you know
absolutely nothing about women.
When Tori asked if you were interested in dating
her, you should have said Can you give me a
little while to think about it, and then
smiled at her. Because you were rebuffing her, even
though her interest was incoming. This is what most
male egos cant grasp. But it takes patience
to deal with incoming interest properly, because
you have to withdraw rather than push the girl
Dude, Tori kept pursuing you because you were a
CHALLENGE. This is great! This is exactly what you
want to happen. This IS The System at
work. So it turns out that you are using the book
at least so far.
So its no surprise that this girl was
throwing herself at you. To you Psych majors, when
their Interest Level is in the 90s, theyre
little girls. And good for you that you dont
When Tori told you she loved you, you should
have said For how long? or Is
that the best you can do? Thats not much,
But you ended up talking about Laurel and the
fact that you loved Tori. So you made two enormous
blunders: you got all serious and talked about
other women and your feelings. Instead of that, you
should have impersonated Jim Carrey and had fun
Then you went even further. You deep-sixed
Laurel only to make the discovery that Tori was
seeing Dustin. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
And that was the good part. The bad part is
thats hes the only one you know
Oh, by the way. Was Dustins relationship
with Tori as brief as yours? Because youre
out with her, in case you dont know it.
Laurel isnt acting like part of a couple,
pal. She uses you in case of emergency, or
loneliness, or when theres nothing on TV that
night or if theres no food in the fridge. And
youre Mister Happy To Be
You mean to tell me that this girl -- who just
got rid of Dustin was upset that you were
out of the country? I bet she was doing back flips!
Or she was thinking, Gee, I hope hes in
Did it ever occur to you when you were in the
hospital to monitor how often Tori called you? Was
it every day? Every other day? Never? No, you
didnt. You called her 10 times a day.
Heres where youre not using The
System, buddy. This is the antithesis of
Challenge. Lying there in the hospital you had
nothing better to do than pressure this girl.
You didnt really tell Tori you were going
to give her the world, did you? Yech. Ill bet
that if she were on a plane, she would have had to
grab the barf bag.
Thats when you found out that she
didnt feel the same about you. Im
stunned! Like my cousin General Love says,
Maybe you and Dustin ought to get together
and swap war stories.
The back and forth stuff means you have huge,
huge problems. What you have to do and I
know this is going to be tough for you is
disappear and hope that Toris Interest Level
is still in the low 50s.
You want to help Tori with her stress? Why? Like
the great Doctor Freud once said, Youre
not here to be her therapist or her pastor.
Youre here to raise Interest Level.
Your job when a date is over is to leave a girl
with the same and hopefully, higher
Interest Level. And THATS ALL.
Ill tell you what Toris thinking:
doesnt this guy get the hint?
This relationship cant be fixed. Like my
cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
The best you can hope for now is to leave Sin
City with as much money as you came with.
You did make a mistake dumping Laurel. She was a
good girl and she liked you. And what did you do?
You snuck around with another girl. You knew you
had feelings for Tori and you should never have
tempted yourself. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
You say you dont cheat, but youre
not really loyal, my son.
In the future be honest with yourself and keep
your mouth shut. Because the first time you say,
I love you it usually means youre
history down the road.
Remember, guys: try to allow them to chase
Does Charlie Sheen Keep
Calling Denise Richards?
I started seeing Dana two months ago, which was
about six months after her ex, walked out on her
and their baby. When it first started we were just
friends, and eventually it turned into something
that I would like to see go somewhere. Dana is a
sweetheart and genuinely cares about me, and tells
me that she wants to be with me. Since she has a
young child I have accepted the fact that I will
always be number two in her life, but that
doesnt bother me at all.
Now heres the problem. Two weeks ago we
were out on a date and her ex, who Ill call
Johnny, started calling her on her cell phone and
telling her how much he missed her, how he
couldnt live without her, and how he needed
her back. This really upset me because our night
started off great, but then I could see that these
calls were wearing on her. Since then hes
been calling her 30 to 40 times per day, telling
her the same things, and acting like a selfish
jackass. Its gotten so bad at her job that
last week her boss told her she couldnt come
back to work until she got a restraining order on
him, which she did.
Doc, this is what its come down to.
Danas ex has somehow gotten my phone number,
and he leaves me messages about how his family is
all he has left and he has nothing else in his
life. This guy uses drugs and has no job, to boot.
Frankly, I feel somewhat sorry for him. If he
wasnt bugging me so much, Id really
feel sorry for him.
So basically my question is, how I can go about
letting Dana know that she needs to make a decision
to choose me or him, without pushing her away?
Their child seems to be the glue that keeps this
absurd situation going. This is something that I
have thought about a lot, as our relationship has
progressed and I am at a loss for what I should
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
Blackie - whos afraid of pushing too
Danas kids got some daddy.
Heres a man who walks out of his house and
leaves his baby, who he allegedly loves, behind --
and Im not talking about the older one. Wow,
what a guy.
We know that you want to see this relationship
go somewhere, Blackie, but the problem is that we
dont care what you want. Like Ive told
you guys many, many times before, all we care about
is what the girl thinks. Whats her Interest
Level -- 95% or in the toilet? So merely by the
fact that you brought this up I realize that you
dont know anything.
You cant worry about being number two in
Danas life. Shes not in love with her
child. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, If
you want to be romantically involved with this
girl, you should leave her alone until her daughter
is 18, then come back.
Now lets get into whats happening.
Dana respects and loves you so much she cant
bring herself to turn off her cell phone. Does this
make any sense whatsoever? To you Psych majors,
most men rationalize slights and putdowns.
But youre selfless, Blackie. Youre
upset because Johnnys telephone calls were
wearing poor Dana down. Dude, why arent they
wearing you down? Not because of the fact that the
calls were incoming, but because of the fact that
shes taking them, and its blowing your
love life apart before it has the chance to get off
Now look at what Johnny is doing. Hes so
bad (and remember, this is the father of
Danas kid, the man she laid down with!) that
hes destroying her job. So heres what
you should be asking yourself: what was wrong with
Dana that she found this turkey so attractive going
in? Whyd she pick this loser in the first
place? Whats her problem? And thats
what most men dont ask. But Im here to
make you wake up and smell the jungle
Youre mystified by how Danas ex got
hold of your phone number. Blackie, how in the
world do you think he got your phone number?
Dont you think maybe your girlfriend helped
Johnny out? Like my cousin Sal The Fish
Love says, Maybe she got so sick of listening
to him that she told him to call you.
When Danas ex told you that he had nothing
left in the world without his wife and kid, you
know what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would have
said? Give me your address, man. Ill
mail you a knife so you can commit
So this boy is a dope head and has no job? Wow
-- now I can see why Dana digs him so much and
decided to carry his baby! That clears it all up!
Now I get it! Like my cousin Reverend Love would
say, Its a match made in
But on a more serious note, you feel sorry for
the poor chap. Blackie, you should feel sorry for
yourself that youre in love with someone, as
the establishment would put it, who has
issues. But no, youre heart is
bleeding for Johnny. Let me ask you a question:
what does this have to do with Christmas?
Despite it all, you want Dana to decide about
you one way or the other. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, Never go out with someone who has more
problems than you. This girl is supposed to
bring happy times and sanity into your existence
and shes bringing you nothing but TROUBLE.
Her ex is going to come over to your house with six
of his buddies and their aluminum bats and
theyre going to lay a beating on your car, or
worse you. Like my cousin Brother Love down
in Watts says, Dog, she gave out your phone
number to her ex. Id hate to see what
hell do when she gives him your
There are some men who cannot handle women.
Johnny-boy is one of them. When he makes calls to
his ex to the point where her boss wants to let
Dana go, theres only one conclusion you can
arrive at -- this guys a first-class
wingding. But like I said earlier, Danas not
without blame here, Blackie. Remember the old
saying, Water seeks its own level?
Danas child is not keeping this absurd
situation together. Its the babys
mothers high Interest Level in this nut-case
that keeps it alive.
Want my advice? Like the old cowboy saying goes,
Grab the fastest horse in town and say
Remember, guys: if her ex is stalking her,
its best not to get involved.
What does Kevin Spacey say
about His Exes?
Im still learning The System
and getting better at it with each girl. I just
want to thank you for writing your book; it has
helped me more than anything else Ive tried
with women and dating.
But heres my problem. As hard as this is
for me to admit, Im a 27-year-old guy
whos never had a girlfriend!!! I can approach
girls, get numbers, and even second dates thanks to
your techniques, but thats as far as it goes.
The thing that trips me up now is when Im
dating a girl and she asks me, So, how many
girlfriends have you had? And What
happened to your last relationship? Why did you
What am I supposed to say, Doc? I never had a
girlfriend! I tried saying I dont think
its proper for me to talk about other women
on such a personal basis with you, but they
keep insisting. Then I try deflecting the pressure
by saying Theres no point in talking
about the past.
By now the girl assumes Ive been dumped
again and again, but she keeps asking over and over
until she gives up. Unfortunately, I know the
subject will come up again. I could lie and make up
stories about past girlfriends, but it could come
back to haunt me.
In your book you say that if this situation
comes up I should just say my ex was an Inflexible
Taker. But Id be lying since there is no ex.
Should I just be honest and tell these women
Ive never had a girlfriend?
Im in a catch-22 situation because if you
dont have experience with girls then they
hold it against you (and probably leave), but you
cant get experience unless you get a girl in
the first place.
I hope you can help me with this situation, Doc,
I really need it.
Beck - whos trying to get on the
Im sorry to hear that you havent
snagged yourself a squeeze yet, but by your own
admission youre getting better with the
girls. This is important. Most people think that
the road to success with females is a trek across
the Mojave Desert. But the truth is that its
a journey across the Sahara. Its a long, long
distance you have to cross, guy.
And the more garbage I have to clean out of your
little head because youve been brainwashed or
hurt, the longer the trip is going to take. But
since youve started learning my techniques,
theres no need to despair. First youre
going to acquire the knowledge, and with time
youre going to get the action.
At this point youre only getting to the
second date with girls because thats as far
as youve gotten with my techniques. You have
a certain portion of my book down up to the
second date but as you memorize the Dating
Dictionary, your expertise will expand. But, again,
let me remind you of the upside -- at least
youre getting to the second date. Like my
cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Hey, lots of guys cant even get the
home phone number! Gee, Beck, youre a
regular Don Juan in the making and you dont
even know it!
Heres how you handle it when you get
peppered with questions about your past by your
dates. You respond like Owen Wilson or Jim Carrey
would with a funny line. I can just hear you
protesting, But Doc, theyre going to
get mad! And my response is this: what kinds
of girls will get mad? Well, Ill tell you
what kinds of girls -- structured girls and girls
with low Interest Level. See how The
System protects you?
So when a babe asks how many girlfriends
youve had, you just give her your best Al
Pacino look and say Are you referring to the
three stalkers who are bugging me, too?
And when she wants to know What happened
in your last relationship, tell her in your
best Humphrey Bogart voice, She didnt
know how good she had it!
And when she demands to know Why did you
break up, you come right back with I
wont hang with a girl who doesnt love
To you Psych majors, youre not supposed to
do or say anything unless it raises Interest Level.
Do you think that telling a girl everything that
did or didnt happen in the past 27 years
would raise Interest Level? Think about it for two
Youre being way too intense when you say
Its not proper for me to talk about the
women in my past. What have I told you guys
again and again? Keep it light, keep it funny, and
no serious talk. When youre out on the first
or second date, thats the time for fun and
banter, and here youre defending yourself.
Like my cousin General Love says, Youre
a defensive lineman and youre getting pushed
all over the field!
When she keeps insisting on getting information
out of you, Beck, just shut up. Sit there and smile
at her. Remember, you dont have to talk. Like
my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
She dont have no .45 to your head,
But I have to hand it to you, Beck,
Theres no point in talking about the
past is a very macho thing to say. Seriously
though, I dont think I ever heard John Wayne
say it to a girl when he was alive. Well, maybe he
said it once -- to his horse.
If a girl has to bug you until she gives up,
Beck, make her give up sooner. And when the subject
comes up yet again, like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
Youll sit there and do the same thing
until you get tough, boy!
You shouldnt be sitting there worrying
about how a lie can come back to haunt you. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, Dude, you
cant get past the second date! Arent
you getting a little ahead of yourself?
For lots of guys its the truth that their
exes were Inflexible Takers, but Im going to
give you something funnier to tell these babes.
When she wants to know what happened with your ex,
just say Honey, I cant take these
beautiful Victorias Secret models trying to
smother me all the time!
But if you insist, Beck, go right ahead and tell
your dates that youve never had a girlfriend
that will really help your cause. Its
raised the Interest Level of every girl whos
ever heard it. Uh, right.
Youre not in a catch 22, buddy. You
havent memorized my book yet
thats your real problem. But again, remember
that youre bettering yourself. Youre
getting to the second date. But to go further
to reach the finish line -- you have to
memorize the Word.
Remember, guys: as long as youre improving
yourself with The System, relax and
enjoy the trip.
Does Joaquin Phoenix ever
do Things Wrong?
I read your weekly columns religiously, and I
know from experience that everything you say is
DEAD ON. There is one thing, however, that has
thrown me for a loop, and it seems to be an
exception to the laws of attraction.
A friend of mine Ill call Bill has been
dating Cheryl for about five years now. Doc,
believe me when I say that Bill does practically
EVERYTHING against what you teach. He calls Cheryl
every day, he buys her lame gifts all the time, and
he gets instantly insecure and jealous anytime he
sees her talking to another guy.
Also, in terms of being exciting, unpredictable
and a Challenge, this guy has pretty much given up:
Bill and Cheryl have a monthly anniversary of sorts
where they always go to the same restaurant after a
movie and have the perfunctory exchange of
Doc, it may sound like I hate Bill, and truth be
told, I do resent him a little because this girl is
still totally into him. She buys him gifts too,
shes always cooking for him, and despite
their occasional breakup, she always ends up back
with him. The most amazing thing is that Cheryl is
actually quite attractive. Heck, I wouldnt
mind taking her out myself. Shes certainly
better-looking than the women Ive been going
What do you make of all this, Doc? It
couldnt be that shes just putting on a
show or an act, right? She couldnt fake it
all this time if she were, the way I see it.
Thanks in advance for your insights, Doc, and
thanks for all the amazing insights youve
given all us guys for so long.
Shlomo - who cant figure it out
youre thrown for a loop by this
so-called exception to the laws of
attraction. The reason you say this is
because of the education youve had up until
now (and Im not talking about whether or not
you went to Princeton!). But not to worry.
Youve come to me and Im going to
straighten you out. When Im through,
youll understand your situation thoroughly.
Guaranteed youll have a different perspective
Okay, your friend Bill has been dating Cheryl
for five years. Hold on a minute here -- why
arent they married? As the old Chinese
proverb goes, After two years of dating, one
of them should be bringing up marriage
already. (Hopefully, its the woman!) So
from the get-go somethings not right
With all of the things your buddy Bill is doing
wrong, you have to ask yourself a question: what
type of woman would want to be in that kind of
relationship? And the answer is, a woman whos
into CONTROL. Cheryl looks at love as a control
issue. Not control of herself of course (as in
Self-Control), but control of the relationship. And
if she has to be in strict control, she has to look
for a robot to have this relationship with
something she can control 100%. And that will be
enough for her. For certain types of women,
maintaining control is everything.
Now heres where I disagree with you: I
think its good that Bill and Cheryl do things
regularly, in their case on a monthly basis. But
they should be doing different things going
to new restaurants, theaters, amusements, and so
forth, so it doesnt get stale. Like my cousin
General Love says, The best way to kill your
relationship is by beating the same things to
On the other hand, I dont think gifts
should be given on a predictable basis. Gifts are
meant for when your heart is in the right place.
Gifts shouldnt be doled out on an artificial
timetable, even though it violates all of the
customs of the American holiday system.
Whats really interesting here is that you
resent Bill after all of his screw-ups. It means
that down deep youd like to have his woman.
Like the great Doctor Freud once said, Guy,
you got a big problem! If you had no feelings
for this woman, you wouldnt care what an
idiot this poor guy is. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, Heck, bro, youd
feel sorry for him!
But you shouldnt be too jealous, Shlomo.
Bill and Cheryls love affair doesnt
sound like the proverbial bed of roses. And the
evidence is their occasional breakup
and its twin sister she always ends up back
with him. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, Gee, I wonder how much the robot begs
whenever she tells him she never wants to see him
Of course you wouldnt mind taking Cheryl
out yourself. What did I just get through telling
you? As you know, this isnt a religious
column, Shlomo, but maybe its about time you
think about the Ten Commandments. Thou shalt
not commit adultery is one of them. Another
is Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors
wife. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
Didnt you go to Hebrew school, my
So this isnt right, dude. When it comes to
Cheryl, you have to come to grips with the fact
that you harbor ulterior motives. Youre not
really interested in The System --
youre interested in how to be a bird dog and
rip this friend of yours off.
Cheryls hotter than the girls youve
been going out with? Like my friend Sal
The Fish Love says, Whoa, you
really do dig this chicks looks!
Heres what I make of this, Shlomo: this
woman is off-limits.
Cheryl is a Giver. She does things for Bill. But
before you start feeling bad about that, remember
the other parts. One-third of the whole equation is
FLEXIBILITY. And this girls not flexible.
Shes what youd call 100% structured.
She tells Bill when to inhale. She tells Bill when
to exhale. Now if you want to live like that, with
the woman giving only her token Interest Level,
thats fine. Me, I dont want to live
like that. I cant live like that. But some
guys can, and thats okay if theyre able
to deal with it. But I call it the
arrangement. Its not really based on
Remember, guys: just because shes a Giver
doesnt mean shes not a control
Does Terrell Owens Ever
Have Trouble with a Girl's Parents?
First Id like to say thank you for the
help that you are giving to all of us guys who are
having problems with the opposite sex.
Kareena is an Indian girl I work with very
closely on my job. I make her laugh, and she
touched me several times, but I didnt know
how to close because we are from different
cultures. (Im African-American, by the way.)
I remember that you said to be careful when dating
people from different cultures because lots of
times the girls parents decide who they want
their daughter to end up with.
Well, today I finally did close. I asked for
Kareenas home phone number and without
hesitation she gave it to me. But as you say, just
because you get a womans phone number
doesnt mean that she has high Interest Level.
It could be that Kareena doesnt know how to
say no, and she was just trying to be
nice to me because she has to work with me every
Now I know that in your book you say to wait a
week before calling a girl for a date. But my
problem is that I see this young lady just about
every day, so how would I go about scheduling a
date with her? Also, how can I be a Challenge when
I see her so often? One more thing. Should I call
her beforehand to find out whether her father will
mind her dating someone from a different ethnic
Kareena is quiet, which is also a bit of a
problem. I know that you say that women help you
when they like you. When I talk to her, Kareena is
rather reserved, though she does help me some with
the conversation. Do you think this is good, or
should I be thankful that she isnt always
Anything you can tell me will help. Thanks.
Biff - who finds himself treading lightly
First of all, I appreciate your compliment.
Before we go on to your questions, let me say
something. Some guys out there are doing 90% of
everything right when it comes to women. Some guys
are doing 22% of everything right. And lets
just say that some other guys need LOTS of help.
Im helping guys at the high end and at the
low end, and everybody in between.
And thats the whole idea behind my
philosophy. Because unless youve got my
principles 100% down or youre in the top 10%
of guys, 90% of you fellows need my coaching.
Its that simple. Like the great Doctor Freud
once said, The divorce rate, the dating
habits of women, and the way they brutally reject
men back up those numbers.
Now lets move on to the lovely Kareena.
Like Ive told you guys so many times before,
it doesnt make any difference whether a girl
is from Mongolia or Montana because The
System cuts across all cultural lines. So all
you have to say is Kareena, whats your
home phone number? And thats called
CLOSING. I dont care if her best friend is
standing there, I dont care if her parents
are standing there, and I dont care if the
King of Bhutan himself is standing there
just do it.
What I said about different cultures still
stands. To you Psych majors, if a girl was raised
Catholic, her parents are going to want to have a
Catholic son-in-law. If shes Malaysian,
theyll want her to marry a Malaysian. If
shes Jewish, theyll want her to marry a
Jewish guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
Blood is thicker than anything
But you did close Kareena, pal. Good for you.
And the key phrase, when you went for the number,
is without hesitation. Thats even
better because it was an indication of
Kareenas Interest Level.
You might be right, that she doesnt know
how to say no or she was just trying to be nice to
you because you have to work together. But like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, It could also be
that shes a Professional Dater with 40% to
49% Interest Level who wants to waste your time and
run up your Visa card.
How do you go about scheduling a date with this
girl? You do the same thing you should always do.
Wait a week before you call her. When you see
Kareena during the day, act as if you never asked
her out and never went for her home phone
And heres how you can be a Challenge to
this girl even if you see her all the time: smile
when you see her, but let her talk to you first.
Hold yourself back. Think of it as an exercise in
You dont have to ask her about her father,
dude. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, She knows if her old man is a bigot or
So, getting Kareena to talk is like pulling
teeth. Like my cousin General Love says, This
one doesnt do anything above and beyond the
call of duty!
I dont know if its good or bad that
this babe is the silent type. But youve
gotten way ahead of yourself anyway. You have to
call her up, get past her dad, whos a
possible blocker, and make sure she shows up at
Starbucks. Theyre the essentials here, and
the only things you should be worrying about. Next,
you have to get nine big dates in with her where
you pick her up at her house. After that you worry
about the other stuff, like why shes not a
So like my cousin Sal The Fish Love
says, Just do what I tell you, Biff, and
youll be fine.
Remember, guys: the great thing about The
System is that you dont have to
Do They Call Bill Maher
I read your book and regularly read your columns
and you have really helped me understand the game
of relationships better. So thanks for
Last week I ran into Marla, who was married to a
coworker of mine from years ago. I remember her
being flirty with me back then, but she was married
(shes now divorced) and I had a girlfriend,
so it ended right there.
Anyway, I kept the conversation short and got
her cell phone number since she no longer has a
regular phone. I waited six days to call her. When
we talked, she told me she was really busy that
week since shes working two jobs, one as a
nurse and the other at a jewelry shop. It was the
holidays, so I bought her story about her busy
schedule and she told me she would see what her
schedule was like the next week and call me
back. I was disappointed, but I told her that
I understood and said goodbye.
Doc, what do you think Marlas Interest
Level is? She didnt mention a boyfriend, made
it clear to me that she was divorced, and was very
quick to give me her phone number when I asked. I
had high hopes for this one because she seems like
a real sweetheart, and I like that she works and is
I doubt shell call back. Im thinking
of waiting a few weeks to give it one more shot. If
she doesnt call me back or if I get another
excuse without a solid counteroffer, Ill just
cut my losses and move on.
What do you think, Doc?
Henny - who cant make out where shes
First of all, this little thing didnt end
all those years ago because you had a girlfriend.
And I have to point something out to you at
the time you met, the lovely Marla was a married
woman who was flirting with a guy who had a
If youve read my book closely, youll
remember that one-third of The System
is comprised of the principle of INTEGRITY. Was
Marla being faithful to her ex-husband when she was
making eyes at you? What was her level of Integrity
when she was still legally hitched? To you Psych
majors, CAN YOU TRUST THIS WOMAN? Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, Is it any wonder she got
When a woman uses the phrase real
busy, you have to pull out your dictionary.
Because shes using Womanese. And what it
means is that her Interest Level is probably
floating around between 40% and 49%. Think about
it, pal. You mean this babe cant find one
hour somewhere in her week to meet you (when
theres 24 hours in a day!) for the guy
shes going to fall in love and have triplets
with? Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love
says, Think shed be too
busy for Brad Pitt?
When Marla said shed check her schedule
and call you back, you should have come right back
with Since your schedule is heavy and
its the holidays, let me get back to you some
other time, okay? Itll be easier that
way. Then you hang up. Because once you said
that you sympathized with her and that you
understood her situation, you gave up your power
and you gave up control of the situation. Like the
great Doctor Freud once said, The reason you
feel powerless now is because you decided to wait
for her next move.
Actually, you only thought you understood this
girl, Henny. What you actually didnt
understand was that Marlas Interest Level is
anemic somewhere in the 40s. Thats
what you didnt get.
What is Marlas Interest Level now?
Its in the sink, swirling, dude. She
didnt mention a boyfriend, but why should
she? If she can keep a bunch of turkeys on the
line, why wouldnt she? I admit that some
girls the ones with some degree of Integrity
-- are upfront about their boyfriends and husbands,
but by no means all of them.
My friend, Im sorry to hear that you were
nursing high hopes for Marla. But you
shouldnt have had high hopes for anything,
especially a girl that you havent had 10
dates with. Are you sure you read my book?
But you insist that Marla seems like a
sweetheart. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, You been smoking anything?
Because this girl is a complete stranger that you
happened to spend a few minutes with! Like my
cousin General Love says Come on, soldier,
get your head out of the clouds its
dangerous when youre out there on the
We dont give a damn about the fact that
Marlas independent and she works. Naomi
Campbell happens to be independent and employed,
too, in case you havent noticed. Henny, all
we care about is the girls Interest Level.
All the other stuff like independence and money
comes in second and third in importance.
One thing youre right about though is that
you dont know whether or not Marlas
going to call you back, but the Reality Factor says
that most of the time they dont. And when
they say the word schedule, you guys
whove read my book know what that word means
Youre thinking about waiting a few weeks
to give it another shot? Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, Bro, I think you
should wait until about 10 minutes before
Armageddon before giving it another shot!
Its great that youre going to cut
your losses and move on, but the sad fact is that
theres nothing to cut and nothing to move on
What do I think you should do? I think you
should spend more time studying my book.
Remember, guys: when you go out with a stranger,
dont give her too much credit.
How Does Eddie Murphy Deal
with Her Demons?
Ive got a problem. Ive gone out with
Maureen three times now. She is 40, beautiful and
intelligent. I have consistently been a Challenge
and a gentleman. She touches me 20-plus times every
date and I get a very, very long -- and very, very
nice -- goodnight kiss from her each time. She
grabs my arm when we walk and initiates 80% of the
phone calls between us. I call her only to ask her
Each time we go out I interview Maureen, and I
try and delve deeper and further into her past.
Heres the red flag I see: her father was very
controlling and her ex-husband and other previous
boyfriends were abusive Macho Boys. She even
dropped the comment (regarding her exes) that they
were men just like my father.
Now this is the complete opposite of how I treat
Maureen. She told me that she was planning on
getting breast augmentation, and that her last
boyfriend didnt want her to do it because he
said enough men look at her as it is and she
didnt need any more gawkers. Her response was
that in the past she lived to please others, but
that now she is living for herself. But then she
added, Enrique, youll have to keep me
on track, because I could fall back pretty easily
into my old patterns.
So Doc, here are my concerns:
Being subservient and dominated is
Maureens comfort zone.
She may not be used to the respect and space I
I am not here to raise a woman --
Im already a father. Maureen will have to
straighten her life out on her own.
Ill continue to go out with her and see
what I can learn. But Doc, is Challenge strong
enough to defeat the demons in Maureens
Enrique - whos already on guard
When you first interviewed Maureen, did you ask
her whether any of her exes ever actually raised
his hand to her? And when she dropped that curious
comment about her father, you should have said,
And did your dad ever hit you? If you
had, youd know a little more clearly exactly
what youre dealing with here.
When Maureen mentioned that she wanted to go for
cosmetic surgery, her ex-boyfriend gave her the
wrong reason for staying away from it. Everyone
wants to look and feel better about themselves, and
he should have been supportive. Like my cousin Sal
The Fish Love says, That
guys an idiot.
I hope that you congratulated Maureen on her
decision to make herself look better and finally
live for herself, and that you were totally
supportive of her. And like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, Then you watch her like a
When she told you that you have to keep her from
falling back into her old emotional patterns, you
should have said, Honey -- PIECE OF
CAKE! Then you should have given her a kiss
and kept right on watching her like a
Lets take a look at your specific concerns
about this woman.
Its a half-truth that Maureens
comfort zone is doing the perfect imitation of a
doormat. To you Psych majors, if this babe was
really happy about being trampled on, she
wouldnt be complaining about her exes and she
certainly wouldnt be leaving the bozos. But
thats exactly what she does, isnt it?
So she really doesnt like them, and she
doesnt like being abused.
Enrique, if Maureens not really
comfortable with the respect and space you give
her, youre going to have to date her for a
long, long time before you talk about stuff like
marriage and kids. Like the great Doctor Freud once
said, She must be proven clinically sane
before you even think of taking her home to meet
Of course Maureen is going to have to do things
for herself. But heres the point: if you like
this woman and again, you only have three
dates in with her youre going to have
to watch for whether any of these troublesome
symptoms rear their heads when shes with
Its one thing if a boyfriend and
girlfriend scream and yell at each other once in a
while. And its okay for someone to scream and
yell at her dad once in a while. But its an
entirely different matter if the men in
Maureens life actually struck her or worse.
And if they did, you have to find out whether she
hung around for a second beating assuming
she had a choice, that is. If you can coax that
information out of her, then youre going
deep, my friend. Thats what you should have
added to your interview. Like I always tell you
guys, you have to be a love detective to compete in
Continuing to go out with Maureen and trying to
learn everything you can about her is perfect
its all you can do with any woman. And
in your case, pal, the good thing is that
youve already gotten a good deal of
information out of her. So youre doing okay
Challenge can work with Maureen, dude. But like
my cousin Rabbi Love says, It depends on how
deep and how messy her problems are.
As you know Im not a psychiatrist (thank
God). So instead of analyzing Maureen, what I want
you to do is date her 10 times and get her Interest
Level solidly into the 90s. Up until now, with
three dates under your belt, things look pretty
great. But if youve read my book, you know
that I dont count anything until youve
got 10 dates in.
If you make it that far, youre going to
date her for another 21 months. During that time
youre going to see her probably three times a
week, and youre going to take her into every
possible social situation and youre going to
keep an eye on her. You have to be around her when
shes really tired and observe what she does,
and how she acts when she runs out of patience.
When people run out of patience with life, some of
them snap, some swear, some get quiet. So
youre going to see how Maureen reacts to
different stimuli in the environment. If she
maintains an even keel through the good and the
bad, shes a keeper. Because like my cousin
General Love says, You cant afford to
have any nuts in the foxhole.
Finally, guy, there is a certain group of women
who dont like Cary Grants. For some perverse
reason these chicks like getting pushed around. And
you cant help them no matter what you do, and
you certainly cant force them to love
But so far Maureen sounds okay. If I were you,
Id continue to go out with her until she
drops the ball. Maybe youll get lucky and she
Remember, guys: there are no clean deals.
Do Girls ever want to be
"Just Friends" with Daniel Craig?
I met Julianne at work and I always thought we
were just friends. Im an airline pilot, by
the way, and she works at one of the airports I fly
to on a regular basis. In the past she talked about
her boyfriend and, from my experience, whenever a
girl mentions her boyfriend its another way
of saying, Dont ask me out -- Im
Nevertheless, were both huge animal lovers
and always talk about our pets whenever we see each
other. In the past month the following things have
happened that make me wonder if Julianne wants to
be more than just friends.
1. I bumped into one of her coworkers and he
said that Julianne absolutely loves you. She
loves the way you love animals so much.
2. She has a pair of hedgehogs that are going to
have a litter. She offered to give me one and then,
without my asking, gave me her phone number
in case I had any questions.
3. One of my pilot friends who just flew in from
that airport said, Julianne really likes you.
She says youre her favorite pilot.
4. She wants to go to a bear sanctuary in Utah
and said, Maybe you could come with
5. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail in which she
said We should get married and build a big
house in the woods.
Keep in mind that we have never even been out
together. Im flattered by her attention, but
Im wondering why shes talking about
getting married when weve never even been on
a date. The problem is that Im really
attracted to her and Id like to get together
In the past Ive never used your book to
transition from being just friends to a
formal relationship with any girl. Doc, what do you
think I should do? Thanks in advance for your
Valdemar - who doesnt know how to read
You might be right about what a woman means when
she mentions her boyfriend. It might indeed be a
huge warning sign not to come near her, but
theres a second choice you havent
thought of. It could also mean Ask me out,
bring me gifts, worship me, but Im not
Now lets look at what happened that has
you so confused.
When Juliannes coworker relayed all of her
compliments to you, you should have asked him
So did you ask her out yet?
And she wants to give you a hedgehog at no
charge. What you have to realize is that this girl
is a veterinarian down deep, you just dont
know it. If you hooked up with her, youd be
competing with raccoons and Great Danes for her
attention for the rest of your life.
Then Julianne went and told your pilot friend
that she thinks that youre the greatest
aviator since Howard Hughes. She cant seem to
stop trumpeting how wonderful you are. According to
her, youre the best thing since sausage
pizza. Well, Valdemar, one thing we know for sure
about this girl is that she has a BIG mouth.
Next, Julianne wants you to play Grizzly Man to
her Grizzly Woman. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
Can you imagine what a grizzly bear could do
to your body if it got you alone?
And theres one last thing. Julianne wants
to get married and build a house with you in the
wilderness. Whoa. Heres your problem, pal.
This girls coming on way too slow. Her buying
signals arent strong enough.
Guys, you have to realize that there are lots of
people walking around who are good, upstanding
Americans. They vote and they pay their taxes. They
study very hard in school and they never break the
law. But theyre not long-term material.
Lets look at whats really happening
here. Julianne is going from just
friends straight to the altar. And you two
havent even had a first date? Did she even
take a breath between those two thoughts? Know
what, Valdemar? This broad is a L-O-O-N. As in
KOOK. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, Where
do you fellows find these girls?
The good part is that youre getting wads
of buying signals here, my friend. But
unfortunately theres a bad part. I know this
will be hard for you guys to take, but this is an
advanced class: you have TOO many buying
This girls got low self-esteem. Shes
needy. She cant keep her mouth shut. Like my
cousin Brother down in Watts says, Bro, you
cant live with this kind of girl.
Julianne can think about love, but I dont
want her acting on it. I want her to practice some
Self-Control instead of spilling all over the
What should you do, Valdemar? Youve got a
plane, right? You should fly it to Katmandu.
You may not see it clearly now, but this babe is
trouble. She has the right Interest Level, but when
it comes to the Baggage and Scar Division,
shes on the board of directors. My little
sister wouldnt give a guy this many buying
signals. She might tell one coworker she likes a
guy, but not two or three. And she certainly
wouldnt blab to everyone that she wants to go
up on a mountain and run around with grizzly bears.
And heres something else. Like my cousin Sal
The Fish Love says, You have to
wonder how many other turkeys she tells this
Juliannes not leading you on, buddy. But
shes a whack-job. To you Psych majors,
everything this girl is doing is overdone.
Its out of balance. Shes hitting you
with way too much too soon. And like the great
Doctor Freud once said, It means that between
her ears something isnt wired
On the other hand, maybe shes been in the
woods too long. Or as my cousin Fast Eddie Love
would say, You ran out of coke.
Remember, guys: if they come on too strong too
fast, youre going to pay for it later.
Does Kid Rock ever Deal with
Whats your opinion of damaged
goods? I guess the smartest move is to never
get involved in the first place, but what if you
dont know that going in?
I dated Samantha, a great girl with some heavy
baggage, for just over a year. Shes had some
terrible things happen to her, and some of them
involved me. (I wont go into specifics
because I know that your column is G-rated.)
Anyway, she kept waffling on our relationship,
wanting it but unable to fully commit to it. Each
time that happened I pulled back and told her to
give me a call when she figured herself out. After
a few days she would. This back- and-forth went on
for a while. She would get really into it, talk
about marriage, wanting to have kids, and all that
stuff. But I wanted the relationship to prove
stable before I moved into any of those areas.
Finally things unraveled and I walked. I cut
Samantha out of my life cold turkey. But she kept
calling. I was heartless -- I just completely
ignored her. After about five months we ran into
each other, went for coffee, and rekindled it. I
was still angry at her and wasnt as kind as I
shouldve been. She hung in, kept giving me
gifts, and telling me she loved me.
Two weeks later I ran into Samantha at a party
when she was with another guy. We talked a couple
days later and she said that despite what some of
her friends thought was best, she was choosing me.
Heres where I finally gave in. We spent a
week together talking about the future and having
kids and planning holidays, and then she called me,
said she was scared, and that she couldnt do
it. She said she needed to get professional help
for her head.
Doc, I dont get it. I thought I was over
Samantha and doing well, but I saw something in her
recently that was better than before, and I really
thought I could give it a shot. Is this just
because I saw her with some other guy? Am I being
an idiot? Whats my play here? I dont
want to open myself to getting punched in the gut,
but I think about Samantha a lot and wonder if we
should be together.
How can I keep things light and fun if
theres all this heavy baggage around? Should
I just let Samantha go?
Rupert - who doesnt know if he can go
through it again
When you said its the smartest move
to not get involved in the first place,
its ironic that in practically the first line
of your letter you have your answer for what to do.
Amazing, isnt it?
No one knows about all the baggage a woman is
carrying going into a relationship. But if
youve memorized my principles, you will
recognize problems RED FLAGS -- a lot sooner
so you can get out quicker. To you Psych majors,
make your mistakes quickly so you dont waste
your time down the line!
The point is this, pal. Were all human
beings, which means were not perfect.
Everybody has scars. Everybody has baggage. But
some people for some reason want to rub it in the
face of their partner. And thats the problem
with heavy baggage it keeps rearing its ugly
So youve got a waffler on your
hands with Samantha. Let me ask you a question, my
friend do women with 95% Interest Level in a
guy ever waffle? Talk about doublespeak!
When you told Samantha to call you when she
figured herself out, you finally did something
right. That was beautiful. Its exactly what
Humphrey Bogart would have done.
When she stopped calling you, though, it meant
that she just finally got tired of harassing you.
She didnt really change her mind about her
inconsistent feelings. This girls still nuts,
man. When she goes back and forth with you like a
yo-yo, why do you answer the phone? Even though she
talks about all the right stuff, shes a
wacko. Hey, it makes a lot of sense that you wanted
the relationship to be stable before you got into
marriage, kids, etc. with this nutcase. Duh.
It was fantastic that you completely ignored
Samantha after you cut her out of your life. But
when you happen to run into each other, you
cant be going for coffee like a couple of old
friends. Hanging out with a person who is poison
for you is like giving a beer to a reformed
alcoholic. And of course that was your blunder.
Im sure Samantha loves you, Rupert. But
her Interest Level only reaches 100% when you back
off. Only when youre a CHALLENGE does this
girl go bananas for you. Which means youre
pressuring her whenever you go back to her. So
youre leaving out a big part of whats
going on here. When Samantha dangles a carrot in
front of your nose, you dont go back in
slowly and cautiously, you BARGE back in like a
fullback for the St. Louis Rams.
When you spotted Samantha with that other guy,
you should have turned around and walked straight
out of that joint. As soon as you set eyes on them,
you should have left. And why in the world were you
talking to her a couple days later? No
communication, dude! Remember, youve moved to
North Dakota. The FBI is hiding you. Youre in
the Witness Protection Program. And this loony is
talking to her girlfriends about you, to boot. What
do they have to do with any of this?
You finally gave in at that point?
Like my cousin General Love says, If you were
a country, soldier, thered be no more ground
left to surrender.
Gee, Im shocked that Samantha said she was
scared and couldnt go through with your
mutual life plans. No, she protested, she needs a
shrink. Like the great Doctor Freud once said,
When a cuckoo tells you shes cuckoo,
you have to believe her!
But after all this torture and torment, you
insist you saw something better in Samantha this
time around. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
Boy, you gotta lay off the Wild Turkey!
You lost what little Self-Control you had left when
you saw her with another guy, so thats part
of whats drawing you back. As my cousin Sal
The Fish Love says, You were
fantasizing about what they were doing in his
Are you an idiot? I think that classification is
too high for where you are on the Common Sense
Scale. Whats your play here? Theres an
old saying in sales: When its too hot
in the kitchen, get out.
Dont try and be a tough guy and hang in
there, Rupert. Avoid this woman at all costs.
Let me tell you something. Youre going to
get punched in the gut if you two should happen to
get together. Right there you said it again
yourself. You cant keep it light and funny
when theres all this heavy baggage
And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
You cant let somebody go whos
Remember, guys: when you realize shes a
whack-job, take a hike.
Do Girls Always Touch
Eninem on a Date?
Ive had your book for a few months now and
I have to say that its helping me see the
light as far as women and dating go.
Im interested in Valerie, a very
attractive young woman in my psychology class. I
noticed her checking me out from the beginning, but
I tried to remain a Challenge and waited until one
day when after class she initiated a conversation
with me. I kept it light and easy and teased her.
The conversation kept going I know, this was
probably a mistake and instead of asking for
her home phone number, I said Valerie, would
you like to grab a cup of coffee with me? She
said Right now? and I answered yes,
lets go to the Starbucks right down the
So we went and drank coffee for 35 minutes. (I
paid for the date, by the way.) During these 35
minutes she asked lots of personal questions, like
what do you do, what are you studying in college,
tell me about your family, etc. I saw all of these
questions as buying signals. However, Valerie did
not touch me once during this impromptu coffee
My question to you is this: should she have
touched me during this date or does that only apply
to the first FULL date (restaurant and dancing and
One more thing. I made the mistake due to
anxiety and newness to your principles -- of not
asking for the home phone number again. The next
time I saw her I did ask for it, however. Her
answer was that she didnt have a home phone.
She then told me I have a cell phone,
though. I then said I dont want
the cell phone, I want the HOME phone number, the
hardwired phone. She asked for my cell phone
number, but I refused to give it to her.
Was this the wrong thing to do? Your coaching is
going to save my life, Doc.
Jay - who hopes he hasnt ruined
Helping you to see the light is the whole idea
behind my philosophy. In other words, when it comes
to women, we want to take you from being a C minus
student to a solid straight A student.
Its great that Valerie initiated a
conversation with you, because when a girl does
that it signifies incoming interest. To you Psych
majors, when interest is incoming, youre not
being rejected. And its beautiful, too, that
you kept it light and funny and teased her
thats what youre supposed to do.
What were trying to do is feel the girl
out psychologically. We want to see if she wants to
play. If she doesnt want to play, shell
turn you down. With my techniques youre going
to discover in no uncertain terms when she wants to
play and when she doesnt.
Lets move on to what Ill call the
fiasco of the phone number. Ive been doing
this helping men -- for 35 years, Jay.
ASKING FOR THE HOME PHONE NUMBER IS MY ROCK-BOTTOM,
NUMBER-ONE PRINCIPLE. And here youre trying
to change it. If youve read my book even once
you cant not see that it instructs you again
and again to ASK FOR THE HOME PHONE NUMBER.
But you insisted on deviating from the path. You
told yourself Ill do this and this and
this instead, because Doc doesnt know what
the heck hes doing and I do. Now here
you are in trouble when you didnt have to
Lets look at what you did. Guy, you should
be waiting five to nine days to get the girl to
Starbucks. But because youre not patient,
youre rushing things, like most men do. Big
mistake. Like my cousin General Love says,
Attacking before the time is right only
So, you think Valerie was sending you buying
signals. Well, you got it half right, pal. The
other half of it is that she has weak Interest
Level somewhere between 51% to 60% -- and
she wanted to flush you out right up front. Like my
cousin Sal The Fish Love says,
Lots of girls will ask you questions
it doesnt mean they like you. And by
the way, when she interrogated you I hope you came
back at her like Robin Williams and hit her with a
stream of one-liners.
Youre the one that should be asking her
the majority of questions, dude. And what you tell
me in your letter is that you didnt dominate
the questioning. YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING THE
INTERVIEW. And because of her mediocre Interest
Level, shes not going to want to waste time
with you so shes going to put you through the
wringer. Its called the hard interview. And
what verifies that she was doing the hard interview
was that she didnt touch you.
What it boils down to is this: you cant
sit with a girl that likes you and not have her tap
your arm. Valerie should have touched you. And if
she didnt bump you at Starbucks, she should
have said I had a very nice time -- please
give me a call when you walked her to the
car. And you would call her one more time because
she asked you to. And youd play it out from
But what actually did happen she
didnt touch you and she didnt tell her
to call you -- was a red flag. So this doesnt
look strong, Jay.
And again you didnt ask for the home phone
number. Pal, if I said to ask for the home phone
number just once in the Dating Dictionary, I could
understand that you forgot to do it. But you have
no excuse because I said it on every page.
When Valerie said she didnt have a home
phone number, you should have taken the cell
number. And then when you go to her house to pick
her up, you check to see if theres a
hardwired phone. If you see one hanging on the
kitchen wall, you know shes a liar and has no
Integrity, and you drop her. Like the great Doctor
Freud once said, Were going to collect
evidence on this girl, because we dont want
you getting a loon.
Jay, youre blowing this situation by
arguing about which phone number to take. If they
dont have a hard-wired phone, youre
allowed to drop down. Let me tell you something,
pal: there are 200 million cell phones in America.
For some people they are the only telephone.
So what do we have here? You didnt take
Valeries cell phone number, and you refused
to give her yours. And youve had my book 60
days? I dont know what you read, man. Maybe
you dont really know how to read.
What you did was a horrible blunder. I
dont know if my coaching is going to save
your life, Jay. This ones going to be real
Remember, guys: if you do all the wrong things,
youre going to lower her Interest
Does Julio Iglesias ever
get Turned Down for Lunch?
In the first place let me commend you on the
exceptional contribution you are making to
mens lives. Luckily I came into contact with
your knowledge and wisdom six years ago, and
Ive watched myself evolve from the typical
pathetic Wimpus Americanus to a man who is
successful with women. Still, after almost seven
years I know there is much more work ahead because
your techniques require constant refinement to face
the daily war we have to wage when it comes to
Currently Im one semester away from
completing my law degree, and Im practicing
at the legal aid clinic of my school. Almost all
cases at the clinic must be worked on by the
students. One of the students is Monique, who is
extremely reserved, mysterious, and always by
herself. She also happens to be the most beautiful
girl in school. She has a long line of guys without
backbones acting like pet monkeys trying to
score with her, trying to get her
attention, drooling over her, killing each other
for her, etc. Count me out of that pack. For
several months I have limited myself to being
well-mannered and respectful to her, but nothing
more. I havent made the slightest effort to
get her attention.
Lately Monique has been sending me very subtle
signals of interest. All of a sudden shes
calling me to discuss strategies for cases or
asking me to walk her somewhere. Above all, her
body language is very positive. Occasionally she
touches my arm and calls me at home to talk about
Since she was sending these subtle signs I
decided to ask her out for lunch. She declined the
invitation because she said she was too busy with
school, but we could go after the semester ends. Of
course that was woman-speak for a big NO. Ten
minutes later, as we were about to hang up, she
said, Dont forget. Meaning
dont forget about my invitation for
My first thought was that I was being played for
a fool. What do you think, Doc? Should I play along
with Monique, or should I flush her number?
Lester - whos completely clueless on this
In that one powerful phrase -- the daily
war we have to wage with women
youve said it all right there, my friend.
Because until the woman decides that youre
the greatest thing since hamburger, youre
going to be running the gauntlet against a tribe of
angry Mohawks. And remember what my cousin General
Love always says: Soldier, dont ever
forget that dating is a battlefield where the
bloody carcasses of many good men have been left
Its nothing short of admirable that you
didnt join the pack of monkeys losing their
marbles over this dead ringer for Brooke Burke. By
not lifting a finger to get Moniques
attention, you did everything right so far.
But like my cousin Sal The Fish Love
says, Hey, this a Beautiful Woman --
its just a matter of time before you get
yourself into hot water.
Because youre really no match for this
creature, buddy, you have to be on top of your game
at all times. I hope you memorized my book like
youre supposed to. Otherwise you may as well
forget about it and stay with your law books.
And it was wonderful that Monique asked you to
be her bodyguard around the school corridors. Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, At least she
doesnt have you doing her homework for
her. If she didnt want you to walk with
her, then shed be just using you as a tutor.
But so far it looks good.
Its fabulous that Monique called to talk
to you about school. This is exactly the way you
want to keep it, too. To you Psych majors, you want
her coming on to you at all times. Dont ask
her out -- just keep her coming at you and coming
at you and coming at you. You have all the time in
the world, Lester. Youre not in any hurry.
Youre not like all those other chimpanzees
who cant control themselves and throw
themselves at Monique. In fact, the reason she
gravitated toward you in the first place is because
you were the only law student who showed a
scintilla of Self-Control in her presence. I hope
you realize that, Lester. And I hope you dont
So everything was perfect up to a certain point.
But then you unraveled. You lost it. Instead of
waiting Monique out like a real Challenge, you went
and asked her out to lunch. Mistake. MASSIVE
MISTAKE. She should have asked you out to lunch.
Like my cousin Doctor Freud once said, When
youre dealing with a 10, you have
be as crafty as she is gorgeous.
Well, dude, she turned you down. And you know
what that means.
If theres a good part here, its that
Monique asked you two times to call her back.
Ideally, a date should have been set right on the
spot. If Monique said Lets make it
Wednesday at seven, that would have been the
best thing. But essentially she told you to back
off. Since she told you twice to call her back,
though, she gets credit for a counter-offer.
And heres something else, Les. Youre
going to be hustling other phone numbers from all
kinds of other women. Youre not going to wait
for this one girl to fall in love with you. If
somebody else grabs you first, Monique is out.
Are you being played for a fool? Its
possible. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, When youre foolin with a
Beautiful Woman, you dont know where the
punch is comin from.
But on the other hand, whats the risk
here? Youll make a one-minute phone call when
the semester ends and find out whether the girl is
sincere or shes toying with you like she
toyed with all the others. But at least you got
further along with Monique than those apes did.
You should play along with this girl because
hopefully shes playing along with you. And if
shes playing straight with you, then
youll move forward together.
Remember, guys: its always better when she
Would Charlie Sheen Move in
on His Ex's Friend?
I was involved in a relationship for four years
with my ex, Terri. Things ended on a sour note, but
I guess they always do, dont they?
What happened was that Terri cheated on me, so I
put an end to it. I later found out that she also
cheated on me another time as well. At the end, I
was trying so hard to make it work that it was
extremely tiring. Who wants to be in a relationship
when your partner cheated on you, right?
About a month or so after our breakup I started
to pick up some heavy vibes coming from one of our
mutually close friends, Vanessa. Even when I was
with my ex I always felt that Vanessa was
interested in me, but I didnt feel right
doing anything about it since she and my ex were
Well, its been about two months now and
Ive been seeing Vanessa occasionally.
Shes ready to move into a heavy relationship
with me as soon as I say the word. Things
couldnt be better between us, but the problem
is that my ex has been calling me, telling me that
she is sorry about what happened, that she never
meant to hurt me and that she wants to work on
being friends again so that we can be back to where
we once were. She wants me to end things with
Vanessa. To make it even more interesting, Vanessa
wants me to stop talking to or seeing my ex.
Can it really work with someone who was a mutual
friend of a guy and his ex-girlfriend? Or are there
too many issues to ever make the transition
smoothly? I have a lot of things in common with
Vanessa, but my ex was a big part of me. On the
other hand, why should I care about someone who
nearly destroyed me?
If I let Vanessa go now, there might never be a
chance of rekindling it with her. At the same time
Im concerned that our connections to my ex
might be too much and her memory will be hovering
over both of us forever.
Doc, what would you do if you were in my
Pepper - who doesnt know if he can
overcome the past
Its interesting that you say things always
end on a sour note because the goal of The
System is to have a woman want to keep you
for the rest of her life. And now that people are
living into their seventies and eighties and
nineties, thats a very long time not to get
bored to death with someone. To you Psych majors,
you have to always be on top of your game if you
expect to keep her in love with you forever and not
end on a sour note at least once in your life.
Nevertheless, it was you who ended the
relationship with Terri. Great. Perfect. According
to my cousin Rabbi Love, You did the right
thing, my son. And I hope youre dating lots
of other women.
So, your ex had more than one fling behind your
back? Like my cousin Sal The Fish Love
says, Is this girl a community project or
What were you trying to make work at the end?
Your relationship with Terri is busted. There was
nothing to make work. The contract between you and
her is null and void. Its finished. Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, Once
the woman cheats, its finito, bro. But
most guys are weak and will give her another shot
at screwing with his head. For your sake I hope
youre not a Wimpus Americanus, Pepper.
Dude, Im happy you picked up heavy vibes
from Vanessa. You deserve something good after
being betrayed by someone you trusted for years. As
my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say,
Isnt revenge sweet? And she and
your ex were as tight as twins? Thats even
more reason to go after Vanessa!
Pepper, its not a problem at all that your
ex is calling and begging to talk to you. Actually,
its predictable. Just dont pick the
phone up and dont call her back. End of
Remember, man, Terri is only telling you about
two guys she fooled around with. Like my cousin
General Love says, Hopefully she wasnt
playing with the entire battalion when you
Vanessas right. You shouldnt be
talking to or seeing Terri. Shes ancient
history and shes bad for your head. So make
the break, Pepper. Tell your ex that Vanessa and
you have something great going, that you dont
want it messed with, and that you and she had a
good run but its over. Then its thank
you and goodbye.
But you have another problem here, buddy. You
have to figure out how you turned your ex off.
Because you dont want it to happen again. You
have to figure out why Terri came to hate and
resent you so much she couldnt wait to be
with another man. Did you try to turn her into your
mommy? How much of a Challenge were you, Pepper? Or
were you smothering Terri like a blanket until she
ran screaming into another mans arms?
Of course it can work out between you and
Vanessa. Terri and she are squabbling over you
because, as my book says, Kitty Kats
Kompete. But there wont be any problems
with Vanessa as long as you keep her Interest Level
up in the 90s like it is now. When she stops
fawning over you, then youre in trouble.
Your ex might have been a big part of you, but,
as you just said, shes your EX. As in ADIOS.
As in OVER. As in DONE. It goes without saying that
you dont want someone destroying you, but the
better question is, why should you care about
someone you cant trust?
So feel free to make a go of it with Vanessa,
Pepper. Dont worry about whose ghost is
hovering over you. Youve been reading too
many psychology books -- thats your
What would I do if I were in your position, pal?
Id fall in love with Vanessa. But make sure
you know what youre doing this time around.
Because you only get one shot.
Remember, guys: if she strays, dont give
her a second chance to do it again.
How do Lindsay Lohan's
Boyfriends Handle Her Moon Swings?
For starters I think that your advice is nothing
short of pure genius. Its always a pleasure
to read anything youve written.
Ive been dating Kimberly for about 20
months now, weve been relatively happy with
each other, and we seem to have a lot of good
chemistry. But there are some pervasive problems in
our relationship. Kimberly has a jealous streak
that is unbearable there was an incident
recently that resulted in her almost slitting my
throat over a close female friend getting too
close to me. Afterwards she chalked it up to
her womans intuition, which is
her excuse to get nasty with me.
Other problem areas include her family. They
fight with each other venomously all the time and
her mom goes as far as to use me as a weapon
against Kimberly. Now, her brother, whom I
havent met yet, is living at home with them
again and I am worried that he is going to become
another person that I get to fight with for
Kimberlys attention. Worst of all, every time
a fight starts between us over something trivial,
it follows a fight with her family (even if a few
days have gone by).
Kimberly is always telling me that shes a
burden to me, that I deserve better, and that there
are better girls out there for me. Being a Psych
major I know that she is looking for me to come out
and say that I want to be with her and no one else,
but it seems that this is never good enough to keep
her happy. Not too long ago she told me that if I
found someone I like better, it would be okay to
leave her. But recently as a joke I mentioned
breaking up and she was really freaked out by
I have been spending a lot of time brooding over
the things that frustrate me in this relationship,
so I have become kind of sour towards Kimberly.
Despite the fact that we have been pretty happy
together, I am wondering if I should stay with this
girl who can be sweet sometimes, bitter at others,
and then pull a complete 180 and tell me how I
should leave her and that she is unworthy of me. I
just want to know if its time to jump ship,
or should I try and weather the storm. Any
Bruton - whos lost in Chicago
Thanks for the compliments on my work. I just
hope that youre memorizing what I write and
then doing it.
There are always going to be problems in
relationships; the question is, how deep they are
and how often do they come up? Think about it: if
she flips out every time you leave the toilet seat
up, do you really want to live with that for the
rest of your life?
I disagree that Kimberlys jealous streak
is unbearable. Youre still with her,
arent you? If it were truly unbearable, you
would have left by now.
Heres what a normal woman would have said
to herself when she saw another girl hitting on
you: Gee, look at that girl trying to rip me
off. But guess what? Bruton is taking me home
tonight in his car. And she wont be there.
This girl can try anything she wants, because I
know that Bruton really digs me.
But thats not what Kimberly did. No, she
was ready to behead you for glancing in this other
babes direction. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, You got a real wild thang there, pal. I
just hope youre man enough to handle
The sad part of this situation is that the only
thing Kimberly looked at was her womans
intuition, because shes twisting the
meaning of those words. If she were really attuned
to her female intuition, she would have said to
herself, Dont be jealous, Kim
Brutons with me.
Dude, if Kimberlys home is a boxing ring,
stay out of there. You dont have to fight for
her attention. All you have to do is call her up
and make a date to have her meet you -- someplace
else. Every time you go to the house you have a
problem with psycho dad and psycho mom, so why hang
around there? To you Psych majors, if the place is
a rattlesnake pit, dont jump into it. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, With all this
battling, it sounds to me like you and Kimberly
have a real healthy relationship, man.
But Kimberly is giving you an out. Heck, even
she knows shes a burden to you, and
shes practically begging you to leave.
Shes telling you shes screwed up, and
as this column says, WOMEN DONT LIE and MEN
DONT LISTEN, THEY DONT SEE and THEY
DONT PAY ATTENTION. What more do you need,
pal? Are you going to wait around until things get
And she claims you deserve better. Wrong. You
dont deserve better, Bruton. You deserve
pain. Thats why youre still with
But you actually think your girl is so generous
that she wants you to find someone new. Is that
your intuition talking too? Shes not really
telling you that you deserve to be with someone
better, though. The girls looking for a
Challenge, not someone whos pressuring her.
And you say you read my articles? Are you sure
When I hear from a girl that if I find someone
better I can leave her, it really makes me feel
great! And of course something like that speaks
volumes about her Interest Level in you. Do women
with high Interest Level really want you in the
arms of another woman? What youre not seeing
is that Kimberlys not freaked out by the two
of you breaking up she wants you out.
Youre sour all right, Bruton, but not sour
enough to drop Kimberly. Actually, you insist that
youve been pretty happy together. Come again?
What am I missing here? Going out with this girl is
like tiptoeing through a minefield, her family is
the psycho family from hell, and youre on
cloud nine? You must like skydiving without a
backup chute, too. The best part of all this is
that youre a Psych major! Like the great
Doctor Freud said, I wont be referring
anyone to you for treatment.
So dont do anything drastic like break up
with Kimberly, Bruton. Like my cousin Sal The
Fish Love says, If you take enough
drugs whenever youre with this girl,
youll be fine. My friend, are you sure
you majored in psychology? Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, Remind me not to send my children
to your school!
Remember, guys: never go out with someone
whos got more problems than you do.
Would Al Pacino ever put
up with an "Arguer?"
Jade and I have been living together for four
months now but tend to fight over the slightest
things. Shes very argumentative and never
wants to lose in anything, even board
games! Over time, Ive found myself giving
into her every time we have a confrontation just to
avoid the inevitable explosions. Recently I
realized that in doing so I had subconsciously
given her power over me and now I want to take it
In the past few weeks Ive tried talking to
her less and doing more of my own thing just to
show her that Im not dependent on her.
Ive also started to engage more (not
physically, of course) in the arguments we have to
show her Im not afraid of her -- which
Im not! She seems to have mellowed a little,
but I find (or it could just be me) that were
playing more mind games with each other now.
Perhaps she found me to be a Challenge, I
Heres an example of what I perceive as a
mind game. Jade used to jokingly put me down by
saying things like Youre skinny
or You look horrible in sunglasses, but
just yesterday I gave her a taste of her own
medicine by calling her lazy for not
making the bed. She definitely didnt like it
and we had a fight over it. She asks for a
goodnight kiss every night, but last night, after
the fight, I didnt do it and she didnt
ask for it either.
Im not sure if Im playing this the
right way, and if Im not, how do I go about
it and beat her at her own game (to get her to
realize she needs to change)? I like Jade, but
Im at the point where I wouldnt mind
ending the relationship if she suggested it
On the other hand, I want things to work out
between us, but am trying to get her to respect me
the way I used to respect her, stop taking me for
granted and start showing me her love instead of
picking on me. And if it doesnt work,
wed probably have to go our own separate
Thanks for any help you might be able to give
Norris - who doesnt want to spend his life
Straight out of the chute you said a mouthful. I
can understand some women wanting to get into
arguments, but your little hellcat never wants to
lose at anything, and that includes the love game.
And in her mind, if shes going to be the
winner, somebodys got to be the loser.
Unfortunately, thats you.
Jade or any clinically sane woman --
should be thinking about the two of you as a team,
and you as a teammate, not somebody to compete
with. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, If
you want to throw punches, get yourself over to
Gleasons Gym and put on the gloves!
Gee, I can just feel the good vibes flying around
your house, pal. It sounds like a real love fest
I wonder whose idea it was to move in together?
Who asked whom to move in first? Im betting
the house that you were on your knees begging this
little hottie to cohabit with you. Why? Because her
Interest Level is flimsy. To you Psych majors, the
higher her Interest Level, the less she wants to
argue. The only exception to this rule is the
highly structured woman.
Jade will always remember that you gave into
her, dude. Shell never forget that you were
born without a spine. Maybe instead of allowing her
to take your cojones, you CONSCIOUSLY gave her
power over you because your Interest Level is 90%
and hers is significantly lower and youre
scared of losing her. This is what most
lily-livered guys do. Rather than take a stand,
they think short-term and give in, like Chamberlain
tried to appease Hitler when the Fuhrer started
gobbling up everything around him.
I dont think Challenge is an issue here at
all, my friend. Jeez Id love to turn
invisible and sit in the corner and watch the
interaction between you two lovebirds. Id be
able to tell you in two or three minutes exactly
whats going on. But as it is, I can only go
by your version of events. If I were to take Jade
out and get a couple glasses of wine into her, then
Id get her side of the story. Maybe she would
say that you dont hang the towels at the
right angle or you leave dishes in the sink or she
has to ask you 10 times to take out the trash.
Nevertheless, by your own admission Jade seems
to be putting you down with a smile. And when you
jump on her for being lazy, youre not doing
it with a smile. I hope youre not making
accusations out of the blue just to get her goat.
When you get on her case youd better have
some basis in fact for doing it. And then do it
gently. As my cousin Rabbi Love says,
Remember, this is supposed to be love, not
But one things for sure -- if youre
calling Jade names for not making the bed and she
wants to scrap with you over it, you guys are done.
Finissimo. Wow. You two arent even married
and youre going at it like cats and dogs over
something so trivial? Thank God you dont have
any kids! Like my cousin Brother Love says,
If youre battling this much in the
first four months of living in sin, its time
to move out of Sin City!
Instead of dreaming up new head games to play
with Jade, you should be playing the Yellow Pages
game and booking a date for the Bekins moving
company. You gave away your soul, Norris. And once
a woman has you, you cant do a 180 and turn
over a new leaf, and thats what youre
trying to do here. What you have to do instead is
find yourself a new girl, and next time learn to
The fact that youre waiting for Jade to
end this fiasco shows that youre a coward.
Why dont you suggest it, tough guy? Why not
show her that youre a real man?
As far as respect is concerned,
whats obvious to me is that this thing is
totally one-sided. You respect her, and not
vice-versa. And youre afraid of her, too,
despite your protests to the contrary. Once a woman
loses respect for you, its over. From that
point on, all shes going to do is practice
beating on you like she was trying out to be the
drummer for the marching band.
Youre in a dream world, Norris. Its
not going to work between you and Jade. It
isnt working and it hasnt worked. You
better wake up, but fast, before you get
Remember, guys: if she doesnt think you
have a backbone, you will be the punching bag in
©2007, DocLove Dot
Other Relationship Issues,
* * *
I present myself to you in a form suitable to the
relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi
Doc Love is
a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and
coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years
he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay
with one man versus another?" He is the author of
the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com
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