Women Don't Lie, Men Don't Listen Archive 2007   Did Ashton Have to Convince Demi to Forget Bruce? Hey Doc, I’ve been seeing Jeanna for several months now. I believe that she has high Interest Level in me (she cooks for me and always tells me how much she misses me). She also calls me at work everyday. Pretty good, right? Well, here are my problems. Jeanna’s boyfriends before me – we’re in our mid-twenties – were all significantly older, some as old as 50. She thinks I dress “too young” (jeans and tee shirts) and buys me clothes to make me look “older.” (Translation - “I want him to resemble my much older boyfriends!”) Recently we had a major confrontation at her birthday party, which was held at a bar. Jeanna got really drunk and started complaining that I was always uptight. Later on in the evening she broke down in tears and started talking about her ex-boyfriend of four years (they broke up a year before she met me), and how heartbroken over the old guy she still is. It was embarrassing for me because everyone heard her. Well, I decided that I would end it in two weeks, which gave me time to collect my things from Jeanna’s house. But the day after the incident, I confronted her about what happened at the bar. She said she was too drunk to remember what she said and that she never meant a word of it. She then said she loved me and begged me to forgive her. I agreed, on the condition that she will change a few things about herself – basically to stop thinking and talking about these stupid ex-boyfriends. And for some reason her fixation on guys old enough to be her father really bothers me. Doc, am I making a big mistake by taking her back? Your advice is greatly appreciated. Jo-Jo - who suddenly doesn’t know what to do Hi Jo-Jo, This sounds great! Dude, you got it made! You have yourself a girl with high Interest Level who cooks for you and who can’t stop telling you how much she misses you. Can you imagine how many guys DON’T have what you have now? But you’ve got problems. Well, I’m SHOCKED! You mean this isn’t a clean deal? I thought you said this girl was perfect. What the heck happened in the space of a couple sentences? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, this is what happens when you haven’t known her long enough.” With her clothes fetish maybe Jeanna really wants you to resemble her exes, but there’s another possibility. Maybe she just doesn’t want you to look like a bum anymore. This situation exists with lots of couples. You’ll see the guy slouching around in flip-flops, tee-shirts and torn jeans and looking like he never saw a shaver razor or the inside of a barber shop, and his girl is decked out in a nice dress with boots and jewelry and looks like a clotheshorse that stepped out of a shopping catalogue. Women always try and overdress men. So if Jeanna’s doing this not to make you look older but to prevent you from getting arrested for vagrancy, I would take it as a positive and use it for the purpose of self-improvement. On the other hand, as my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You gotta remember that this girl does like old bananas.” Let’s look at what happened at the infamous birthday party. Is this the first time in a few months Jeanna’s gotten inebriated? How many drinks per date does she usually down? How come you’re not telling me that, pal? After she called the bartender over for the fifth time, that’s when she told you you’re way too uptight for her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Is that because she gets real loose when she has a few pops?” Or is she saying that just because she doesn’t want you picking out your own clothes? Once Jeanna started bawling at the bar, you should have changed the environment fast. You couldn’t tell all the guests to leave, but you could have left. And, guy, you should have gotten right out of there the minute the waterworks started. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What’s wrong with you, boy? You sat there while she talked about an old flame and there were 150 people in the room giggling.” But in reality you’ve got a worse problem. When you confronted Jeanna about this embarrassing incident afterward, you were talking to a girl whose Interest Level was below 50%. And the Reality Factor says that this means she could care less. So you weren’t really confronting anything. If this girl’s Interest Level was up at 85% or 95%, then you’d be truly doing something. But as it stands now, her interest is well below the Mason-Dixon Line. You just think it’s on the north side. Now let me ask you this: if this girl said she was too drunk to remember what she said at the party, how does she know she didn’t mean it? Like I’ve told you guys again and again, when you interrogate girls you have to be like love detectives on Love And Order and pick up on the discrepancies in their stories. You let her off the hook on that one, man. What’s interesting though, is the topic she did just happen to pick to blab about when she was bombed. She could have talked about how much she loved her parents, or even better, how much she loved you. But what does she do? She goes back four years to some guy who’s living in a convalescent home. And she can’t stop going on about him. Even though I’m not a shrink, if she’s that into grandfathers, it’s my guess that she didn’t have a solid father figure in her house. If she wants to daydream about guys who are about ready to go up to Boot Hill, that’s her prerogative. But she’s with you. Why? You must be strong in other areas because you’re not an old geezer. So she overlooked that in you, probably because you’re funny and confident and good-looking. But now that you’re falling apart, it’s not working anymore. And all she can think about is how lousy you look in your grungy clothes. Remember, guys: how old you are is part of the physical attraction test. Would Tyra Banks ever Pick-up the Tab? Hey Doc, “The System” is great! It’s really helped me both in dealing with women and with people in my field (research immunology), for figuring out their true motives. However, I’m having a tough time figuring out Lara, since her red flags aren’t clear. My gut tells me to forget her. I met her on catholicsingles.com. She contacted me first and is five years older (33 to my 28). After several humorous exchanges she asked me if I’m as funny in person and gave me her number. I called her and we set a date. She arrived 15 minutes early and we had a couple of drinks. She never touched me once. We laughed a lot and she seemed to be having a good time. After two hours I let her know that I had to leave since I had an early workday coming up. Not knowing her Interest Level, I walked her to her car and gave her a very brief kiss. She smiled and said goodbye. The next day I got an e-mail thanking me for a great time. I waited four days and called her for another weeknight date. She accepted. We bowled and then went out to eat. I paid for the bowling part, but she picked up the tab at the restaurant. But still no touching. I kissed her more passionately at the end of the night. She said it was nice kissing me and I left. I got another e-mail the next day. Now here’s the confusing part. We went out the other night again, over a week after date number two. We went ice-skating, but still no touching. She suggested drinks afterwards. We went, and she ordered food. I picked up the tab since she didn’t offer. She then wanted to go to a microbrewery. I also picked up the tab there. I kissed her at the end again. No e-mail this time. My question is this. Is Lara a serial dater? Was her one offer to pick up the tab a smokescreen? I’m a medical resident and she has an MBA and has been working for 10-plus years, so obviously we’re in different income brackets. I find it rude that on our last date she wouldn’t at least offer to pay (red flag!), considering the bill was around $70. Also, the lack of touching bothers me. What should I do, Doc? She does kiss and seem to enjoy it, but then again Anna Nicole Smith married an 87-year-old guy. Although she has talked about the future and invited herself over to help me paint my condo, her other behavior strikes me as odd. Maybe this is why she’s still single at age 33. Kevin - who’s straining to see the forest through the trees Hi Kevin, Lots of guys tell me that “The System” carries over beautifully into their business lives. And that’s because I consciously injected the principles of successful sales into dating and love, which the people who teach Psychology 101 would never think of doing. After scratching my head over your letter, I just hope you’re clear on what a red flag is, pal. Lara went after you first, right? That happens to be a GREEN flag. She asked if you were as funny in person? That’s a personal question -- another GREEN flag. She gave you her telephone number. A third GREEN flag. She didn’t turn you down when you called her for a date. I hate to tell you this, Kevin, but that’s yet another GREEN flag. Are you sure you read my stuff? Now I’ll admit that it’s bad that Lara never touched you once. But let’s see what else she brings to the plate. Like my cousin General Love says, “That’s only one warning in a sea of green flags!” I’m going to compliment you on a couple of things here, Kevin. It was perfect that you were the one who ended the first date. You got out of there, man. Most guys would have hung around until one in the morning, and waited until the girl started yawning and brought up the fact that she had to leave because she had a busy day at work the next day. And when you gave her a kiss at the end of the date, you CLOSED. Fantastic! Now if she’d turned her head, which would most definitely have been a red flag. But she didn’t. So all we’re seeing is green flags. But you should have waited a little longer before calling Lara for a second date. You phoned her too soon. What’s the hurry, pal? Like my cousin Rabbi Love, says, “Don’t go rushing in and ruining everything. There’ll be time enough for that later!” The woman is not supposed to pay for any of the first 10 dates, Kevin. But this girl popped for a restaurant bill. She’s a GIVER. She’s doing 99% of everything right; so don’t get hung up on the rule. As far as the touching goes, you’re kissing her, she’s kissing you back, and she’s not turning her head. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, I’d rather get kissed than be touched on the arm any ol’ day – wouldn’t you?” But you’re telling yourself, “She complimented my kiss, but she didn’t touch my arm! Oh, hell, I’d better get rid of her!” Makes sense to me! The girl’s not even supposed to offer to pay for your dates, Kevin. I don’t know where in the world you got that cockamamie idea. She already sprang for one date. Do you expect her to pay for everything? Would Cary Grant or Diddy expect a girl to pay? Come on! Kevin, you’re completely misreading what a red flag is. But you’re ticked off anyway. What did the microbrewery cost you? Thirteen bucks? Did that break you? Know why she didn’t e-mail you after that date? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Because you didn’t buy her enough beer!” Lara’s not a serial dater. Let me remind you again -- she’s kissing you. She’s going out with you every time you ask her. She’s sending you e-mails. (And when she doesn’t, you’re supposed to wait a lot longer than four days to call her for your next date. When they back off, you back WAY off.) This babe didn’t send up a smokescreen. You’re blowing everything out of proportion. When she paid for a date, it was a good sign. To you Psych majors, it’s not what the IRS says that matters here. You pay because you asked Lara out. If she asks you out, she pays for the date. She hasn’t done that yet. I don’t know where your mind is, Kevin, but it was rude that you even thought about wanting this girl to pay. Count her kisses – forget the arm-touches. And next time, take her out on a cheaper date if money is an issue. But the point is this: as soon as you get out of school you’ll be making a lot of money. Heck, you’ll make what Lara makes and more. You ought to be happy that she brings down more jack than you -- but you don’t get any of it until you raise her Interest Level over a long period of time. Just wait a little longer to call her next time. It’s true that Anna Nicole Smith married a geezer, but I bet you’re not even as good-looking as he was. Lara offered to paint your condo for you, she kisses you goodnight, and you want her to buy meals on top of it all? Her behavior isn’t odd at all. It’s your misinterpretation of my principles that’s the real problem here. Maybe Lara’s still single at 33 because the only guys who ask her out are guys like you. Remember, guys: if she does 90 things right, don’t get rid of her because she does one thing wrong. Did Howard Hughes Ever Have Trouble Getting a Date? Hi Doc I have two problems, and I hope you can help me. Here’s the first. While most people have developed normally, it appears that other people (like me) do not, and we lack social skills compared to “normal” people. My problem is purely mental, not physical. I am not crazy or violent, just deficient in certain areas of brain function. Doc, this makes it easy for me to commit social faux pas. Sometimes when people address me, I might not understand exactly what they’re saying. My hearing is perfect, but sometimes I draw a blank. Also, my lack of solid social skills means that some people might think I’m odd or weird. I’ve gotten better by learning and trying harder, but these problems are likely to last a lifetime. So you can probably see where my second problem -- with women -- comes in. It can be hard to keep up in conversations, and I think they pick up on how “different” I am. I’m a decent-looking fellow, and I’ve had some rather pretty girls flirt with me, but I don’t have the Confidence to use your techniques because I’m not sure they would work for someone like me. How am I supposed to be Confident when I stumble in conversations and make mistakes? My problems also attract attention from the worst kind of people – those who enjoy cutting me down in front of others, especially pretty women, as it gives them a rush. There is nothing more emasculating than being cut down in front of a pretty woman. It’s worse because I guess you could say I’m a “nice guy” and don’t fight back well. Doc, what should I do? How can I be a winner when people have always (and will likely continue) to bring me down in front of Beautiful Women? I don’t know what to do, and at times I can feel very broken. Please help. Roger - who can’t feel like a winner when he feels like a loser Hi Roger, You got two problems, pal? You’re real lucky! Most people have at least 11! Roger, sometimes “normal” people commit blunders, too. You’re basically an okay guy; you just make a lot more mistakes than other guys, that’s all. Whereas the so-called typical person on the street makes 20 boo-boos, you make 80. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Of course your problem is purely mental.” Maybe you had lousy parents. And if it wasn’t them who screwed you up, then maybe you weren’t born with a full deck. In life, everyone has shortcomings of some kind, even Jessica Simpson and Colin Farrell. What a surprise! But we’re going to give it a shot anyway. First you should go and see a counselor – a guy or gal with a sheepskin, one who specializes in treating your type of problem. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Don’t spend your money for more than three months if something good isn’t happening.” When you don’t understand what people are talking about, here’s what you say: “Excuse me. Could you repeat that a little more slowly?” Then smile. Write those words down on a three-by-five card, okay? Whenever you get lost in a conversation, pull the card out and use it. It’s your security blanket. Lots of people draw blanks in conversations, Roger, don’t forget that. My book is full of witty and brilliant things to say to women, so that should be your first stop. You don’t sound that bad off to me. It’s just that you haven’t been exposed to the correct training or experience. And, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I think you’re laying a heavy trip on yourself. Give yourself a break, paisan.” My friend, there are lots of loser guys out there who say the wrong stuff all the time, so don’t feel like you’re alone. You’re being way too hard on yourself. And that can set you back straight out of the gate, no matter who you are. But let’s concede that you might have a lack of social skills anyway. What are you going to do about it? March down to Barnes and Noble and pick up a book of etiquette. You’re going to put it right next to the Dating Dictionary and you’re going to study it. Then you’re going to get a book on how to be a good speaker and do the same. You’re going to make your index cards and use them when you have to. And you’re going to practice, practice, practice, until you know what’s on those cards like you know your first name. Look at it this way: if someone asks you your first name, you don’t get stumped by that, right? It’s the same principle. The point is that you can be coached. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re not completely hopeless, soldier. You should see what I have to put out there on the dating battlefield!” But you say you’ve gotten better, Roger. Fantastic! To you Psych majors, as long as you improve, that’s what’s important. I don’t care if the trip to becoming the reincarnation of Cary Grant is 50 million miles, as long as you’re on the right track and going forward – and Roger, you are. Just the fact that you wrote a letter proves it. So you are doing some things right. That’s what you have to build on. So when you’re with women, you smile and show your teeth like they do. When they stop talking, you stop talking, until you’re comfortable with your rap and can guide the conversation. And I hope that when these pretty women flirted with you, you said “Hey, what’s your home phone number?” Let me ask you something, Rog. If you want to dig a hole, would you rather use a spoon or a spade? Dude, “The System” is a power shovel. You’d be a fool not to use it. I get letters from guys all over the world. One of my loyal students in India, who’s turning into a love doctor himself, called me recently. His buddy was about to commit hari-kari over some babe who dumped him. And my student talked him out of it by using some of the materials from my book. Now I’m not going to tell you that my principles prevent suicide. But in this case it sure helped – and if it could hold someone back from smoking the tailpipe, it could sure as heck help you to be more social! So what you’re going to do is use shorter sentences, guy, so your tongue doesn’t get tied in a knot. You’re going to find a way to get the woman to carry most of the conversation. You’re also going to go to Toastmasters and talk about “The System.” The first time you get up on the podium you’re going to make 88 mistakes. But the next time up you’re only going to make 87. The third time it will be 86. And so on. Then you’re headed in the right direction. Regarding the mean-spirited people you run into, why don’t you just walk away from them? Why do you hang around for a beating? But if you have to stay, get the upper hand, turn it to your advantage. Say what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say to a hot babe who was putting him down: “I love it when you beat me!” And then grin like Christopher Walken. On second thought, smile like Tom Hanks. But you don’t have to fight back at all, Roger. Just walk off. Or disarm that Beautiful Woman who mocks you. “Do you think it’s loving and hospitable, to torture me just because I can’t get out three words in a row?” That’s what you say to her. You have to use humor. If other guys cut you down in front of pretty women, just split, simple as that. Change your environment. If it’s too hot in the kitchen, get out. Why are you so convinced that your pattern of failure will never change? How can you predict the future? See your therapist, Roger. Then we’ll grow you a PERSONALITY. If you do what I tell you, if you’re patient and don’t put yourself down, and you realize that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, the truth will change you. But if you’re convinced that you’re a lost cause, there’s not much I can do. I may be able to get any guy in the world a date, but I’m not a miracle worker. Remember, guys: nobody’s perfect. Is Angelina too "Touchy" for Brad? Hey Doc, I’ve been with Shana -- a stewardess and a “9” -- for six months. She has a lot of good qualities and values on top of her gorgeous looks. She’s kind, giving, and caring. I have done “tests” on her and she's definitely not in love with my bank account (I’m quite well fixed through my various investments) and is certainly with me for who I am. Shana was the one who first said the “L” word. I believe her Interest Level is around 95%, as she always talks about our future, how much she loves me, that she can’t wait to get married, and that she can’t wait to have kids with me. A few times she has also given me hints like “where's my ring,” and on a daily basis she says “I love you” over 20 times, while I keep my responses to a third of that in order to stay a Challenge. Here’s the problem. Shana is very “touchy” -- too “touchy” -- with random guys she meets while we’re out. I have spoken to her about it and asked her how she’d feel if I was touchy and all over the girls I meet. She says that while this is the person she has always been, she’ll work on it if it bothers me. I have seen some changes in her, but she’s still in contact with a bunch of her ex-boyfriends. Her excuse is that she's close to the families of these guys or she has mutual friends with them. I have a software setup that automatically e-mails me all the communications done through Shana’s computer and I also have the password to her e-mail accounts. Every day I track her e-mails and responses. What I’ve noticed in her e-mails to her ex-boyfriends is nothing really threatening. They just talk about their new lives, but she never mentions the fact that she has a new boyfriend – me -- that she really loves. And there’s nothing about the guys’ new girlfriends either. Since Shana travels around the world, I’m concerned with what she does when she flies to other countries. If she’s too friendly and touchy when I’m around, what is she doing when I’m not there? Should I be concerned, or am I being too hard on Shana? Clem - who feels uncomfortable with how she acts Hi Clem, Shana is a gorgeous flight attendant with good qualities? Who could ask for more? This is great, man! You know what this means? It means she’s going to be on a plane most of the time, and you’ll have the house all to yourself to do whatever you want. You’re so fortunate! Shana was the first one to say the “L” word? Clem, what you should be saying is that she was the ONLY one to say the “L” word! You used the wrong word, my friend. You mean to tell me that you think that you’re a Challenge by telling your girlfriend only seven times a day how much you love her? Uh, yeah, sure. You have to go back and read my book a little more, pal. I think you missed a few pages. But you shouldn’t have criticized Shana for touching guys (though we’ll get into her “touchiness” more a little later). You should have told her that you were concerned for her security. When you’re trying to sell something to someone, dude, you don’t tell them that it’s a benefit to you – you pitch the benefit to them. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “How did you get rich, man?” Here’s what you should have said: “Honey, one day you’re going to touch somebody and the guy’s going to turn out to be a loon. You’ve seen American Justice. You’ve seen City Confidential. You know what kinds of whackos are running around out there. And that’s what I worry about. You’re just a little too friendly with strangers.” Notice that Shana didn’t tell you that she was wrong when you pointed out her touchy behavior? It means she’s structured, guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Son, beware of the woman who can’t admit her errors.” Clem, we don’t want Shana to “work” on anything. We want her to say, “I’m so glad you’re concerned about my welfare and safety.” Think about it. When she’s walking your four-year-old daughter around the mall and some goof is acting nuts, is Shana going to be talking to strangers then? Is she going to hug the guy because he tells her she looks nice? But you’ve seen changes in Shana since you two talked. That’s good. At least she’s listening. As long as there’s some improvement in her behavior, you’re moving in the right direction. Remember – her SECURITY. So this girl has loads of ex-boyfriends. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Does that mean Shana and I shot a few games of pool somewhere one night?” I want to say something to all you girls out there. When you meet a guy, please don’t have any contact with anybody you ever went out with in the past. I’m sure this stewardess is the super-friendly type, but there’s no reason for her to stay close to the families of her exes, because those boyfriends are gone. Or they should be gone. I see that you’re playing James Bond on Shana by snooping on her e-mails. Beautiful! It proves that you’ve read the Dating Dictionary at least once. And like my cousin General Love says “All’s fair in love and war.” But the fact that she has a new boyfriend she’s allegedly madly in love with – YOU -- and doesn’t mention him is a huge RED FLAG. And let’s face it buddy, these other guys aren’t talking about their new girlfriends or you because they still want Shana. To you Psych majors, the ex-boyfriends are dying to get back with her. So you’re concerned about her flying all over the globe and touching all those foreigners? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “I could answer your question about what she’s doing when you’re not there, but you’d probably commit suicide.” That said, I do think that you’re being too hard on Shana. The Reality Factor says that in every deal there’s going to be something you don’t like. You got a “touchy-feely” girlfriend on your hands. In your case the fact that she drapes herself all over every guy she meets is the downside. But if she’s got everything else going for her, I’d learn to overlook it if I were you. But in the end you have to figure out how you’re built, Clem. Is Shana’s touchy nature a deal-killer? Only you can answer that question. If this habit of hers is going to irritate the hell out of you, you better give it lots of thought because she’s going to be touching guys for the next 40 years. Remember, guys: it’s tough to love a girl who can’t keep her hands off other men. Does Mick Jagger ever have Trouble Finding Women? Hey Doc, I am a regular reader of your columns, which I like very much. To cut to the chase, here’s my problem. Unlike most of the men who write you for advice, I’m not young. No one out there offers advice for guys 60 years of age and over, including you. Before you tell me that I’m probably a walking disaster and that’s why I can’t find women, let me tell you that I’m very successful, youthful and still like to rock. I have a young person’s mentality and am full of life for my age. But let me be honest about what us older guys face out here. There are no women unless we go chasing younger babes around, and that can get dangerous. Most single women who are 45 and older look like hell. (There’s no more gentle way to put it.) They’ve let themselves go for so many years that they flat-out look terrible. I’m not saying that all of them look bad, but I don’t have any idea where to find the ones who look good. Doc, I’d like to date women closer to my own age, frankly, because we’d have more in common than I would with a 20-year-old, but most of these women are very fat. I’m slim and handsome. I don’t want a pudgy, out-of-shape woman hanging on my arm. So how about some advice for guys over 60? Where do we go to find attractive women? What should we say and do? Are we dead because we’re members of AARP or collecting pensions and/or Social Security? Should we just stay at home and watch TV instead of going out there and living to the full? There are more of us out here looking for dates than you might think. So any helpful hints would be appreciated. Luca - who doesn’t think he’s over the hill Hi Luca, You got one thing right, pal – you’re not young anymore. But that has nothing to do with anything. Because if you’re 60 and you meet a beautiful, svelte 54-year-old nurse, you still have to say “Caprice, what’s your home phone number?” The same as if you’re 19 and you’re drinking beer with a sorority girl -- you still have to say “Caprice, what’s your home phone number?” To you Psych majors, THE PRINCIPLES ARE ALWAYS THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT AGE YOU ARE. Luca, I DO offer advice for guys over 60. Are you sure you read my book? As I said up above, it’s all the same thing. Why do you insist that it’s not? What should you do and say to a woman? The same thing you should always do and say. You’re going to keep the conversation light and funny. You’re going to smile. Here’s what you’re not going to do. You’re not going to stare at her chest. And you’re not going to tell her how much you hate your ex-girlfriends and ex-wives. Dude, you don’t have to convince me that you’re youthful for your age. What you have to do is find your counterpart in a female. It’s going to be a little tougher, though, because of your age. But if you’re patient you’ll get there. Look at the statistics, my friend. America is 52% women to 48% men. Women outlive men by seven years. So they’re out there, all right. But you say that lots of women look like hell. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you’re not practicing the falsehood of unconditional love!” And yes, it’s true that lots of them also look terrible. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you ain’t never gonna be no guest on Oprah’s show!” But there happens to be a large percentage of women who do take care of themselves, and that’s what you need. I’m going to show you where to find the ones who look good. But first, Luca, you have to open your mind and not be so judgmental. Of course you’re going to have more in common with a woman your own age than you would with Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Not to mention that the Reality Factor says that they’ll take one look at you and say “Hi, Grandpop!” So you can’t be too upset when the young babes look at you like you’re a telephone pole. Or like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You know you’re in trouble when they start calling you ‘Sir.’” So where do you find attractive women? You go to the same places that the 22-year-old guy goes to. Or the 32-year-old or the 42-year-old. You want to think that the rules are different for us guys over 60. But they’re not. You came charging in with your agenda, but you don’t know what you’re talking about, buddy. Like I said before, open your mind up. Since you want a gal who’s in great shape, you have to do something PHYSICAL. Join a few outdoor clubs. You have to hang around the ladies who like to go hiking, or get yourself into some dance events or classes. Try the Sierra Club or join a tennis league if you play tennis. Then take a look at the women who are involved in those activities. They’re all skinny! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Maybe Oprah should dance!” Eventually you’ll see a 54-year-old who looks like Christie Brinkley and you’re on your way. What you do then is ask for the home phone number. Then you meet her at Starbucks. Then you’re going to take her on your first big date, just like the 20-year-olds. In other words, it’s all the same whether you’re wet behind the ears or a geriatric case. And don’t forget that you’re going to make her laugh, and you’re going to show her manners and class. Luca, you’re not dead because you’re just a few years away from assisted living. The odds are just going to be a little rougher when she sees your false teeth or your walker. But even some of those really old guys do all right. You’ll get over it with my coaching. And don’t forget, you only need to find one good one. You have to make sure, though, that you’re prepared and that you have all the important information memorized when you do find her, otherwise you’re going to get some great opportunities, and then make all the same boo-boos. Then you’ll be lonely again and blame it on the fact that you’re over the hill, when in fact you just turn the girls off in spite of your great looks and success. Remember, guys: when you meet her, you’d better be prepared to keep her. How Does Nicholas Cage get ride of Her Kid? Hey Doc, I’ve been seeing Taylor for three months now. She is a very attractive, educated 38-year-old woman with a six-year-old son. She gives me some good buying signals, and really seems to enjoy being around me. She’s always asking me personal questions and laughs at my dumb jokes. I call Taylor at four- to six-day intervals (max five minutes of talking) to schedule dates and we go out once or twice a week, usually Tuesdays and/or Sundays. She has never turned down a date recommendation from me. She is always available and ready to go out whenever I want to. She has offered to pay for meals and other things several times, so I don’t think she’s a Professional Dater. I get along fine with her son, and she has even discussed going on vacation with me somewhere. When she does, I remain noncommittal and immediately change the subject to something more humorous and light. Here are my problems with Taylor. 1. We never go anywhere without her son because she says she can’t get a decent babysitter. 2. She sits in the back seat with her son whenever we drive anywhere. 3. She has failed the kiss test twice in the time we have been going out. 4. I’ve invited Taylor over to my house three times for lunch or coffee and cake, but have not once been invited to her place. I am getting ready to ditch this girl even though I really like her and admire her intellect. I’ve read your book three times from front to back, and I think a lot of it is starting to click, but this girl is sending some very mixed signals. Should I ditch Taylor and concentrate on my other regular dates? Or am I missing something? I don’t mind a platonic relationship with Taylor, but if I really wanted that I would be hanging out with my buddies -- not some gorgeous, educated woman. Louie - who needs some coaching from the master Hi Louie, All of this sounds fine, but you didn’t mention anything in your letter about Taylor complimenting you or touching you. Is that because you don’t have my book memorized yet? Don’t be so quick to classify Taylor as someone who’s not a Professional Dater. What you don’t realize is that there is a type of Professional Dater who offers to pay. Why? Because you relieve her boredom, or she thinks you’re a nice guy, or she’s just a drifter. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Don’t get all excited, pal. She’s just passing through.” It’s nice that Taylor wants to travel to Hawaii with you, but are you going with her alone or will her kid be on the surfboard too? Did you happen to ask Taylor about that? It’s great, though, that in general you stay off the heavy subjects. You’re not doing everything wrong. But you do have problems with Taylor, which shows that she’s got a bad side. Darn. Up until now she sounded perfect. Let’s examine your problems one by one. 1. She can’t find a babysitter. Let me ask you a question. If I gave Taylor a million bucks to find a decent babysitter, do you think she could do it? Of course she could! It’s not like you’re asking her to fly through the air with a basketball like Michael Jordan, which is never going to happen. But let’s face it, man -- she could find a babysitter if she really wanted to. And it would mean she has high Interest Level in you. What her actions say is that her interest in you is not in the 90s. 2. She sits with her son in the back seat. This is okay, since you’re babysitting. That’s the real deal here. Taylor’s getting you used to her little kid in the event you want to marry her. Because he’s going to be with you all the time, probably even when you’re sleeping after you and Taylor get hitched. Here’s another way to look at it. If this girl really digs you (though we don’t know for sure yet) and she’s thinking long-term, she’s telling you up front that this is going to be a package deal -- her AND her son. So in that sense, what she’s doing is good. What I don’t dig is introducing the kid to all these different guys. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “How many uncles can one child have?” I don’t think it’s good for the boy. 3. She failed the kiss test. Are you telling me you’ve been out with this girl 90 days and she does everything right except that she’s failed the kiss test twice? I hope you understand what “failed” really means. You’re in trouble here, dude. 4. She doesn’t invite you to her house. This is an easy one. The Reality Factor says that the reason Taylor doesn’t want you in her house is because she doesn’t want you in her house. Duh. Hey, I like Taylor’s intellect too. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “I mean, you have to love the fact that she’s playing all these games with you and you don’t have a clue.” You may have read my book three times, Louie, but only a very small percentage of it is clicking. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’ve got three down and only 126 to go.” Taylor’s not sending you mixed signals. She’s just working you like a master by offering to pay. But remember that you have her to your house but she doesn’t have you to hers. Why? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dog -- maybe she’s got another boyfriend or two stashed there.” And keep this in mind: if this girl really dug you, wouldn’t she want to kiss you after three whole months? I love your use of the word “ditch.” It’s like trying to get rid of someone who’s not there. You’re making it sound like Taylor’s Interest Level is in the stratosphere and you’re going to break her heart if you don’t call her again. The truth is that her Interest Level is only somewhere between 40% to 49%. What you’ve got here is a Professional Dater who offers to pay. You’re not missing anything, dude. You just have to study harder, that’s all. Remember, guys: if she’s inconsistent, she can’t have high Interest Level. Does Jack Nicholson ever Dump One Babe for Another? Hey Doc, First off, let me say that “The System” is brilliant, but I hope you can help me fix my problem so I don’t have to use it. I’ve known Tori over a year, since she started working as a server at the restaurant where I’m a bartender. Right off we had a great friendship. We hung out all the time and had fun being together. A couple months later she told me she had feelings for me and wanted to know if I’d be interested in dating her. At the time I was in a long-distance relationship with Laurel, so I told her I couldn’t. Tori said it was cool, but she kept pursuing me anyway. I have to say it was a nice ego boost to have her pretty much throwing herself at me. Before I go any further, you should know that the whole time I had feelings for Tori as well, but I don’t cheat. One night when Tori and I were at a party she pulled me aside and told me she loved me. I told her that I had feelings for her too, but that I was still with Laurel. Finally I broke off with Laurel so I could be with Tori. I realized that I was in love with her and had been for some time. I went over to Tori’s house to tell her how I felt, only to find out she was seeing a guy named Dustin! Their relationship didn’t last long, but I questioned what I was doing. Anyway, shortly afterwards Tori and I started holding hands and acting the way couples do. Then I had to travel out of the country. Tori was upset about it and I didn’t know how to make her feel better. I got into an accident overseas and ended up spending two weeks in the hospital. I called Tori as often as I could. When I got home I poured my heart out to her, telling her I loved her and that I would give her the world. Well, Doc, she told me she didn’t feel the same about me anymore! I was crushed and still am. She still likes to cuddle with me and she calls me sometimes, but she runs hot and cold. I am in love with her but I’m not sure what to do with this back and forth stuff. I know she has a lot of stress in her life, and I want to help her with it. Please Doc, tell me what’s going on in her mind. Is there any way to fix this relationship? I’m even thinking I made a mistake in dumping Laurel. Donovan - who lost everything Hi Donovan, All I had to do was read the first sentence of your letter to know exactly where you are: you know absolutely nothing about women. When Tori asked if you were interested in dating her, you should have said “Can you give me a little while to think about it,” and then smiled at her. Because you were rebuffing her, even though her interest was incoming. This is what most male egos can’t grasp. But it takes patience to deal with incoming interest properly, because you have to withdraw rather than push the girl away. Dude, Tori kept pursuing you because you were a CHALLENGE. This is great! This is exactly what you want to happen. This IS “The System” at work. So it turns out that you are using the book – at least so far. So it’s no surprise that this girl was throwing herself at you. To you Psych majors, when their Interest Level is in the 90s, they’re little girls. And good for you that you don’t cheat. When Tori told you she loved you, you should have said “For how long?” or “Is that the best you can do? That’s not much, honey!” But you ended up talking about Laurel and the fact that you loved Tori. So you made two enormous blunders: you got all serious and talked about other women and your feelings. Instead of that, you should have impersonated Jim Carrey and had fun with Tori. Then you went even further. You deep-sixed Laurel only to make the discovery that Tori was seeing Dustin. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “And that was the good part. The bad part is that’s he’s the only one you know about!” Oh, by the way. Was Dustin’s relationship with Tori as brief as yours? Because you’re out with her, in case you don’t know it. Laurel isn’t acting like part of a couple, pal. She uses you in case of emergency, or loneliness, or when there’s nothing on TV that night or if there’s no food in the fridge. And you’re “Mister Happy To Be There.” You mean to tell me that this girl -- who just got rid of Dustin – was upset that you were out of the country? I bet she was doing back flips! Or she was thinking, “Gee, I hope he’s in Mongolia!” Did it ever occur to you when you were in the hospital to monitor how often Tori called you? Was it every day? Every other day? Never? No, you didn’t. You called her 10 times a day. Here’s where you’re not using “The System,” buddy. This is the antithesis of Challenge. Lying there in the hospital you had nothing better to do than pressure this girl. You didn’t really tell Tori you were going to give her the world, did you? Yech. I’ll bet that if she were on a plane, she would have had to grab the barf bag. That’s when you found out that she didn’t feel the same about you. I’m stunned! Like my cousin General Love says, “Maybe you and Dustin ought to get together and swap war stories.” The back and forth stuff means you have huge, huge problems. What you have to do – and I know this is going to be tough for you – is disappear and hope that Tori’s Interest Level is still in the low 50s. You want to help Tori with her stress? Why? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You’re not here to be her therapist or her pastor. You’re here to raise Interest Level.” Your job when a date is over is to leave a girl with the same – and hopefully, higher – Interest Level. And THAT’S ALL. I’ll tell you what Tori’s thinking: doesn’t this guy get the hint? This relationship can’t be fixed. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The best you can hope for now is to leave Sin City with as much money as you came with.” You did make a mistake dumping Laurel. She was a good girl and she liked you. And what did you do? You snuck around with another girl. You knew you had feelings for Tori and you should never have tempted yourself. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You say you don’t cheat, but you’re not really loyal, my son.” In the future be honest with yourself and keep your mouth shut. Because the first time you say, “I love you” it usually means you’re history down the road. Remember, guys: try to allow them to chase you. Does Charlie Sheen Keep Calling Denise Richards? Hey Doc, I started seeing Dana two months ago, which was about six months after her ex, walked out on her and their baby. When it first started we were just friends, and eventually it turned into something that I would like to see go somewhere. Dana is a sweetheart and genuinely cares about me, and tells me that she wants to be with me. Since she has a young child I have accepted the fact that I will always be number two in her life, but that doesn’t bother me at all. Now here’s the problem. Two weeks ago we were out on a date and her ex, who I’ll call Johnny, started calling her on her cell phone and telling her how much he missed her, how he couldn’t live without her, and how he needed her back. This really upset me because our night started off great, but then I could see that these calls were wearing on her. Since then he’s been calling her 30 to 40 times per day, telling her the same things, and acting like a selfish jackass. It’s gotten so bad at her job that last week her boss told her she couldn’t come back to work until she got a restraining order on him, which she did. Doc, this is what it’s come down to. Dana’s ex has somehow gotten my phone number, and he leaves me messages about how his family is all he has left and he has nothing else in his life. This guy uses drugs and has no job, to boot. Frankly, I feel somewhat sorry for him. If he wasn’t bugging me so much, I’d really feel sorry for him. So basically my question is, how I can go about letting Dana know that she needs to make a decision to choose me or him, without pushing her away? Their child seems to be the glue that keeps this absurd situation going. This is something that I have thought about a lot, as our relationship has progressed and I am at a loss for what I should do. Thanks in advance for your thoughts. Blackie - who’s afraid of pushing too hard Hi Blackie, Dana’s kid’s got some daddy. Here’s a man who walks out of his house and leaves his baby, who he allegedly loves, behind -- and I’m not talking about the older one. Wow, what a guy. We know that you want to see this relationship go somewhere, Blackie, but the problem is that we don’t care what you want. Like I’ve told you guys many, many times before, all we care about is what the girl thinks. What’s her Interest Level -- 95% or in the toilet? So merely by the fact that you brought this up I realize that you don’t know anything. You can’t worry about being number two in Dana’s life. She’s not in love with her child. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If you want to be romantically involved with this girl, you should leave her alone until her daughter is 18, then come back.” Now let’s get into what’s happening. Dana respects and loves you so much she can’t bring herself to turn off her cell phone. Does this make any sense whatsoever? To you Psych majors, most men rationalize slights and putdowns. But you’re selfless, Blackie. You’re upset because Johnny’s telephone calls were wearing poor Dana down. Dude, why aren’t they wearing you down? Not because of the fact that the calls were incoming, but because of the fact that she’s taking them, and it’s blowing your love life apart before it has the chance to get off the ground. Now look at what Johnny is doing. He’s so bad (and remember, this is the father of Dana’s kid, the man she laid down with!) that he’s destroying her job. So here’s what you should be asking yourself: what was wrong with Dana that she found this turkey so attractive going in? Why’d she pick this loser in the first place? What’s her problem? And that’s what most men don’t ask. But I’m here to make you wake up and smell the jungle gardenias. You’re mystified by how Dana’s ex got hold of your phone number. Blackie, how in the world do you think he got your phone number? Don’t you think maybe your girlfriend helped Johnny out? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Maybe she got so sick of listening to him that she told him to call you.” When Dana’s ex told you that he had nothing left in the world without his wife and kid, you know what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would have said? “Give me your address, man. I’ll mail you a knife so you can commit hari-kari.” So this boy is a dope head and has no job? Wow -- now I can see why Dana digs him so much and decided to carry his baby! That clears it all up! Now I get it! Like my cousin Reverend Love would say, “It’s a match made in Hell.” But on a more serious note, you feel sorry for the poor chap. Blackie, you should feel sorry for yourself that you’re in love with someone, as the establishment would put it, who has “issues.” But no, you’re heart is bleeding for Johnny. Let me ask you a question: what does this have to do with Christmas? Despite it all, you want Dana to decide about you one way or the other. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Never go out with someone who has more problems than you.” This girl is supposed to bring happy times and sanity into your existence and she’s bringing you nothing but TROUBLE. Her ex is going to come over to your house with six of his buddies and their aluminum bats and they’re going to lay a beating on your car, or worse – you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, she gave out your phone number to her ex. I’d hate to see what he’ll do when she gives him your address!” There are some men who cannot handle women. Johnny-boy is one of them. When he makes calls to his ex to the point where her boss wants to let Dana go, there’s only one conclusion you can arrive at -- this guy’s a first-class wingding. But like I said earlier, Dana’s not without blame here, Blackie. Remember the old saying, “Water seeks its own level?” Dana’s child is not keeping this absurd situation together. It’s the baby’s mother’s high Interest Level in this nut-case that keeps it alive. Want my advice? Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Grab the fastest horse in town and say ‘Adios!’” Remember, guys: if her ex is stalking her, it’s best not to get involved. What does Kevin Spacey say about His Exes? Hey Doc, I’m still learning “The System” and getting better at it with each girl. I just want to thank you for writing your book; it has helped me more than anything else I’ve tried with women and dating. But here’s my problem. As hard as this is for me to admit, I’m a 27-year-old guy who’s never had a girlfriend!!! I can approach girls, get numbers, and even second dates thanks to your techniques, but that’s as far as it goes. The thing that trips me up now is when I’m dating a girl and she asks me, “So, how many girlfriends have you had?” And “What happened to your last relationship? Why did you break up?” What am I supposed to say, Doc? I never had a girlfriend! I tried saying “I don’t think it’s proper for me to talk about other women on such a personal basis with you,” but they keep insisting. Then I try deflecting the pressure by saying “There’s no point in talking about the past.” By now the girl assumes I’ve been dumped again and again, but she keeps asking over and over until she gives up. Unfortunately, I know the subject will come up again. I could lie and make up stories about past girlfriends, but it could come back to haunt me. In your book you say that if this situation comes up I should just say my ex was an Inflexible Taker. But I’d be lying since there is no ex. Should I just be honest and tell these women I’ve never had a girlfriend? I’m in a catch-22 situation because if you don’t have experience with girls then they hold it against you (and probably leave), but you can’t get experience unless you get a girl in the first place. I hope you can help me with this situation, Doc, I really need it. Beck - who’s trying to get on the scoreboard Hi Beck, I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t snagged yourself a squeeze yet, but by your own admission you’re getting better with the girls. This is important. Most people think that the road to success with females is a trek across the Mojave Desert. But the truth is that it’s a journey across the Sahara. It’s a long, long distance you have to cross, guy. And the more garbage I have to clean out of your little head because you’ve been brainwashed or hurt, the longer the trip is going to take. But since you’ve started learning my techniques, there’s no need to despair. First you’re going to acquire the knowledge, and with time you’re going to get the action. At this point you’re only getting to the second date with girls because that’s as far as you’ve gotten with my techniques. You have a certain portion of my book down – up to the second date – but as you memorize the Dating Dictionary, your expertise will expand. But, again, let me remind you of the upside -- at least you’re getting to the second date. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, lots of guys can’t even get the home phone number!” Gee, Beck, you’re a regular Don Juan in the making and you don’t even know it! Here’s how you handle it when you get peppered with questions about your past by your dates. You respond like Owen Wilson or Jim Carrey would – with a funny line. I can just hear you protesting, “But Doc, they’re going to get mad!” And my response is this: what kinds of girls will get mad? Well, I’ll tell you what kinds of girls -- structured girls and girls with low Interest Level. See how “The System” protects you? So when a babe asks how many girlfriends you’ve had, you just give her your best Al Pacino look and say “Are you referring to the three stalkers who are bugging me, too?” And when she wants to know “What happened in your last relationship,” tell her in your best Humphrey Bogart voice, “She didn’t know how good she had it!” And when she demands to know “Why did you break up,” you come right back with “I won’t hang with a girl who doesn’t love me!” To you Psych majors, you’re not supposed to do or say anything unless it raises Interest Level. Do you think that telling a girl everything that did or didn’t happen in the past 27 years would raise Interest Level? Think about it for two seconds. You’re being way too intense when you say “It’s not proper for me to talk about the women in my past.” What have I told you guys again and again? Keep it light, keep it funny, and no serious talk. When you’re out on the first or second date, that’s the time for fun and banter, and here you’re defending yourself. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re a defensive lineman and you’re getting pushed all over the field!” When she keeps insisting on getting information out of you, Beck, just shut up. Sit there and smile at her. Remember, you don’t have to talk. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She don’t have no .45 to your head, dog!” But I have to hand it to you, Beck, “There’s no point in talking about the past” is a very macho thing to say. Seriously though, I don’t think I ever heard John Wayne say it to a girl when he was alive. Well, maybe he said it once -- to his horse. If a girl has to bug you until she gives up, Beck, make her give up sooner. And when the subject comes up yet again, like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’ll sit there and do the same thing until you get tough, boy!” You shouldn’t be sitting there worrying about how a lie can come back to haunt you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Dude, you can’t get past the second date! Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?” For lots of guys it’s the truth that their exes were Inflexible Takers, but I’m going to give you something funnier to tell these babes. When she wants to know what happened with your ex, just say “Honey, I can’t take these beautiful Victoria’s Secret models trying to smother me all the time!” But if you insist, Beck, go right ahead and tell your dates that you’ve never had a girlfriend – that will really help your cause. It’s raised the Interest Level of every girl who’s ever heard it. Uh, right. You’re not in a catch 22, buddy. You haven’t memorized my book yet – that’s your real problem. But again, remember that you’re bettering yourself. You’re getting to the second date. But to go further – to reach the finish line -- you have to memorize the Word. Remember, guys: as long as you’re improving yourself with “The System,” relax and enjoy the trip. Does Joaquin Phoenix ever do Things Wrong? Hey Doc, I read your weekly columns religiously, and I know from experience that everything you say is DEAD ON. There is one thing, however, that has thrown me for a loop, and it seems to be an exception to the laws of attraction. A friend of mine I’ll call Bill has been dating Cheryl for about five years now. Doc, believe me when I say that Bill does practically EVERYTHING against what you teach. He calls Cheryl every day, he buys her lame gifts all the time, and he gets instantly insecure and jealous anytime he sees her talking to another guy. Also, in terms of being exciting, unpredictable and a Challenge, this guy has pretty much given up: Bill and Cheryl have a monthly anniversary of sorts where they always go to the same restaurant after a movie and have the perfunctory exchange of gifts. Doc, it may sound like I hate Bill, and truth be told, I do resent him a little because this girl is still totally into him. She buys him gifts too, she’s always cooking for him, and despite their occasional breakup, she always ends up back with him. The most amazing thing is that Cheryl is actually quite attractive. Heck, I wouldn’t mind taking her out myself. She’s certainly better-looking than the women I’ve been going out with. What do you make of all this, Doc? It couldn’t be that she’s just putting on a show or an act, right? She couldn’t fake it all this time if she were, the way I see it. Thanks in advance for your insights, Doc, and thanks for all the amazing insights you’ve given all us guys for so long. Shlomo - who can’t figure it out Hi Shlomo, So…you’re thrown for a loop by this so-called “exception to the laws of attraction.” The reason you say this is because of the education you’ve had up until now (and I’m not talking about whether or not you went to Princeton!). But not to worry. You’ve come to me and I’m going to straighten you out. When I’m through, you’ll understand your situation thoroughly. Guaranteed you’ll have a different perspective on it. Okay, your friend Bill has been dating Cheryl for five years. Hold on a minute here -- why aren’t they married? As the old Chinese proverb goes, “After two years of dating, one of them should be bringing up marriage already.” (Hopefully, it’s the woman!) So from the get-go something’s not right here. With all of the things your buddy Bill is doing wrong, you have to ask yourself a question: what type of woman would want to be in that kind of relationship? And the answer is, a woman who’s into CONTROL. Cheryl looks at love as a control issue. Not control of herself of course (as in Self-Control), but control of the relationship. And if she has to be in strict control, she has to look for a robot to have this relationship with – something she can control 100%. And that will be enough for her. For certain types of women, maintaining control is everything. Now here’s where I disagree with you: I think it’s good that Bill and Cheryl do things regularly, in their case on a monthly basis. But they should be doing different things – going to new restaurants, theaters, amusements, and so forth, so it doesn’t get stale. Like my cousin General Love says, “The best way to kill your relationship is by beating the same things to death.” On the other hand, I don’t think gifts should be given on a predictable basis. Gifts are meant for when your heart is in the right place. Gifts shouldn’t be doled out on an artificial timetable, even though it violates all of the customs of the American holiday system. What’s really interesting here is that you resent Bill after all of his screw-ups. It means that down deep you’d like to have his woman. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Guy, you got a big problem!” If you had no feelings for this woman, you wouldn’t care what an idiot this poor guy is. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Heck, bro, you’d feel sorry for him!” But you shouldn’t be too jealous, Shlomo. Bill and Cheryl’s love affair doesn’t sound like the proverbial bed of roses. And the evidence is their “occasional breakup” and its twin sister “she always ends up back with him.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Gee, I wonder how much the robot begs whenever she tells him she never wants to see him again!” Of course you wouldn’t mind taking Cheryl out yourself. What did I just get through telling you? As you know, this isn’t a religious column, Shlomo, but maybe it’s about time you think about the Ten Commandments. “Thou shalt not commit adultery” is one of them. Another is “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Didn’t you go to Hebrew school, my son?” So this isn’t right, dude. When it comes to Cheryl, you have to come to grips with the fact that you harbor ulterior motives. You’re not really interested in “The System” -- you’re interested in how to be a bird dog and rip this friend of yours off. Cheryl’s hotter than the girls you’ve been going out with? “Like my friend Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Whoa, you really do dig this chick’s looks!” Here’s what I make of this, Shlomo: this woman is off-limits. Cheryl is a Giver. She does things for Bill. But before you start feeling bad about that, remember the other parts. One-third of the whole equation is FLEXIBILITY. And this girl’s not flexible. She’s what you’d call 100% structured. She tells Bill when to inhale. She tells Bill when to exhale. Now if you want to live like that, with the woman giving only her token Interest Level, that’s fine. Me, I don’t want to live like that. I can’t live like that. But some guys can, and that’s okay if they’re able to deal with it. But I call it “the arrangement.” It’s not really based on mutual love. Remember, guys: just because she’s a Giver doesn’t mean she’s not a control freak Does Terrell Owens Ever Have Trouble with a Girl's Parents? Hey Doc, First I’d like to say thank you for the help that you are giving to all of us guys who are having problems with the opposite sex. Kareena is an Indian girl I work with very closely on my job. I make her laugh, and she touched me several times, but I didn’t know how to close because we are from different cultures. (I’m African-American, by the way.) I remember that you said to be careful when dating people from different cultures because lots of times the girl’s parents decide who they want their daughter to end up with. Well, today I finally did close. I asked for Kareena’s home phone number and without hesitation she gave it to me. But as you say, just because you get a woman’s phone number doesn’t mean that she has high Interest Level. It could be that Kareena doesn’t know how to say “no,” and she was just trying to be nice to me because she has to work with me every day. Now I know that in your book you say to wait a week before calling a girl for a date. But my problem is that I see this young lady just about every day, so how would I go about scheduling a date with her? Also, how can I be a Challenge when I see her so often? One more thing. Should I call her beforehand to find out whether her father will mind her dating someone from a different ethnic background? Kareena is quiet, which is also a bit of a problem. I know that you say that women help you when they like you. When I talk to her, Kareena is rather reserved, though she does help me some with the conversation. Do you think this is good, or should I be thankful that she isn’t always yakking? Anything you can tell me will help. Thanks. Biff - who finds himself treading lightly Hi Biff, First of all, I appreciate your compliment. Before we go on to your questions, let me say something. Some guys out there are doing 90% of everything right when it comes to women. Some guys are doing 22% of everything right. And let’s just say that some other guys need LOTS of help. I’m helping guys at the high end and at the low end, and everybody in between. And that’s the whole idea behind my philosophy. Because unless you’ve got my principles 100% down or you’re in the top 10% of guys, 90% of you fellows need my coaching. It’s that simple. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The divorce rate, the dating habits of women, and the way they brutally reject men back up those numbers.” Now let’s move on to the lovely Kareena. Like I’ve told you guys so many times before, it doesn’t make any difference whether a girl is from Mongolia or Montana because “The System” cuts across all cultural lines. So all you have to say is “Kareena, what’s your home phone number?” And that’s called CLOSING. I don’t care if her best friend is standing there, I don’t care if her parents are standing there, and I don’t care if the King of Bhutan himself is standing there – just do it. What I said about different cultures still stands. To you Psych majors, if a girl was raised Catholic, her parents are going to want to have a Catholic son-in-law. If she’s Malaysian, they’ll want her to marry a Malaysian. If she’s Jewish, they’ll want her to marry a Jewish guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Blood is thicker than anything else.” But you did close Kareena, pal. Good for you. And the key phrase, when you went for the number, is “without hesitation.” That’s even better – because it was an indication of Kareena’s Interest Level. You might be right, that she doesn’t know how to say no or she was just trying to be nice to you because you have to work together. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “It could also be that she’s a Professional Dater with 40% to 49% Interest Level who wants to waste your time and run up your Visa card.” How do you go about scheduling a date with this girl? You do the same thing you should always do. Wait a week before you call her. When you see Kareena during the day, act as if you never asked her out and never went for her home phone number. And here’s how you can be a Challenge to this girl even if you see her all the time: smile when you see her, but let her talk to you first. Hold yourself back. Think of it as an exercise in Self-Control. You don’t have to ask her about her father, dude. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She knows if her old man is a bigot or not, right?” So, getting Kareena to talk is like pulling teeth. Like my cousin General Love says, “This one doesn’t do anything above and beyond the call of duty!” I don’t know if it’s good or bad that this babe is the silent type. But you’ve gotten way ahead of yourself anyway. You have to call her up, get past her dad, who’s a possible blocker, and make sure she shows up at Starbucks. They’re the essentials here, and the only things you should be worrying about. Next, you have to get nine big dates in with her where you pick her up at her house. After that you worry about the other stuff, like why she’s not a chatterbox. So like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Just do what I tell you, Biff, and you’ll be fine.” Remember, guys: the great thing about “The System” is that you don’t have to think. Do They Call Bill Maher Back? Hey Doc, I read your book and regularly read your columns and you have really helped me understand the game of relationships better. So thanks for everything. Last week I ran into Marla, who was married to a coworker of mine from years ago. I remember her being flirty with me back then, but she was married (she’s now divorced) and I had a girlfriend, so it ended right there. Anyway, I kept the conversation short and got her cell phone number since she no longer has a regular phone. I waited six days to call her. When we talked, she told me she was really busy that week since she’s working two jobs, one as a nurse and the other at a jewelry shop. It was the holidays, so I bought her story about her busy schedule and she told me she would see what her schedule was like the next week and “call me back.” I was disappointed, but I told her that I understood and said goodbye. Doc, what do you think Marla’s Interest Level is? She didn’t mention a boyfriend, made it clear to me that she was divorced, and was very quick to give me her phone number when I asked. I had high hopes for this one because she seems like a real sweetheart, and I like that she works and is independent. I doubt she’ll call back. I’m thinking of waiting a few weeks to give it one more shot. If she doesn’t call me back or if I get another excuse without a solid counteroffer, I’ll just cut my losses and move on. What do you think, Doc? Henny - who can’t make out where she’s coming from Hi Henny, First of all, this little thing didn’t end all those years ago because you had a girlfriend. And I have to point something out to you – at the time you met, the lovely Marla was a married woman who was flirting with a guy who had a girlfriend. If you’ve read my book closely, you’ll remember that one-third of “The System” is comprised of the principle of INTEGRITY. Was Marla being faithful to her ex-husband when she was making eyes at you? What was her level of Integrity when she was still legally hitched? To you Psych majors, CAN YOU TRUST THIS WOMAN? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Is it any wonder she got divorced?” When a woman uses the phrase “real busy,” you have to pull out your dictionary. Because she’s using Womanese. And what it means is that her Interest Level is probably floating around between 40% and 49%. Think about it, pal. You mean this babe can’t find one hour somewhere in her week to meet you (when there’s 24 hours in a day!) for the guy she’s going to fall in love and have triplets with? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Think she’d be ‘too busy’ for Brad Pitt?” When Marla said she’d check her schedule and call you back, you should have come right back with “Since your schedule is heavy and it’s the holidays, let me get back to you some other time, okay? It’ll be easier that way.” Then you hang up. Because once you said that you sympathized with her and that you understood her situation, you gave up your power and you gave up control of the situation. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The reason you feel powerless now is because you decided to wait for her next move.” Actually, you only thought you understood this girl, Henny. What you actually didn’t understand was that Marla’s Interest Level is anemic – somewhere in the 40s. That’s what you didn’t get. What is Marla’s Interest Level now? It’s in the sink, swirling, dude. She didn’t mention a boyfriend, but why should she? If she can keep a bunch of turkeys on the line, why wouldn’t she? I admit that some girls – the ones with some degree of Integrity -- are upfront about their boyfriends and husbands, but by no means all of them. My friend, I’m sorry to hear that you were nursing high hopes for Marla. But you shouldn’t have had high hopes for anything, especially a girl that you haven’t had 10 dates with. Are you sure you read my book? But you insist that Marla “seems like a sweetheart.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You been smoking anything?” Because this girl is a complete stranger that you happened to spend a few minutes with! Like my cousin General Love says “Come on, soldier, get your head out of the clouds – it’s dangerous when you’re out there on the battlefield!” We don’t give a damn about the fact that Marla’s independent and she works. Naomi Campbell happens to be independent and employed, too, in case you haven’t noticed. Henny, all we care about is the girl’s Interest Level. All the other stuff like independence and money comes in second and third in importance. One thing you’re right about though is that you don’t know whether or not Marla’s going to call you back, but the Reality Factor says that most of the time they don’t. And when they say the word “schedule,” you guys who’ve read my book know what that word means in Womanese. You’re thinking about waiting a few weeks to give it another shot? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, I think you should wait until about 10 minutes before Armageddon before giving it another shot!” It’s great that you’re going to cut your losses and move on, but the sad fact is that there’s nothing to cut and nothing to move on from. What do I think you should do? I think you should spend more time studying my book. Remember, guys: when you go out with a stranger, don’t give her too much credit. How Does Eddie Murphy Deal with Her Demons? Hey Doc, I’ve got a problem. I’ve gone out with Maureen three times now. She is 40, beautiful and intelligent. I have consistently been a Challenge and a gentleman. She touches me 20-plus times every date and I get a very, very long -- and very, very nice -- goodnight kiss from her each time. She grabs my arm when we walk and initiates 80% of the phone calls between us. I call her only to ask her out. Each time we go out I interview Maureen, and I try and delve deeper and further into her past. Here’s the red flag I see: her father was very controlling and her ex-husband and other previous boyfriends were abusive Macho Boys. She even dropped the comment (regarding her exes) that they were “men just like my father.” Now this is the complete opposite of how I treat Maureen. She told me that she was planning on getting breast augmentation, and that her last boyfriend didn’t want her to do it because he said enough men look at her as it is and she didn’t need any more gawkers. Her response was that in the past she lived to please others, but that now she is living for herself. But then she added, “Enrique, you’ll have to keep me on track, because I could fall back pretty easily into my old patterns.” So Doc, here are my concerns: Being subservient and dominated is Maureen’s comfort zone. She may not be used to the respect and space I give her. I am not here to “raise” a woman -- I’m already a father. Maureen will have to straighten her life out on her own. I’ll continue to go out with her and see what I can learn. But Doc, is Challenge strong enough to defeat the demons in Maureen’s past? Enrique - who’s already on guard Hi Enrique, When you first interviewed Maureen, did you ask her whether any of her exes ever actually raised his hand to her? And when she dropped that curious comment about her father, you should have said, “And did your dad ever hit you?” If you had, you’d know a little more clearly exactly what you’re dealing with here. When Maureen mentioned that she wanted to go for cosmetic surgery, her ex-boyfriend gave her the wrong reason for staying away from it. Everyone wants to look and feel better about themselves, and he should have been supportive. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That guy’s an idiot.” I hope that you congratulated Maureen on her decision to make herself look better and finally live for herself, and that you were totally supportive of her. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Then you watch her like a hawk!” When she told you that you have to keep her from falling back into her old emotional patterns, you should have said, “Honey -- PIECE OF CAKE!” Then you should have given her a kiss – and kept right on watching her like a hawk. Let’s take a look at your specific concerns about this woman. It’s a half-truth that Maureen’s comfort zone is doing the perfect imitation of a doormat. To you Psych majors, if this babe was really happy about being trampled on, she wouldn’t be complaining about her exes and she certainly wouldn’t be leaving the bozos. But that’s exactly what she does, isn’t it? So she really doesn’t like them, and she doesn’t like being abused. Enrique, if Maureen’s not really comfortable with the respect and space you give her, you’re going to have to date her for a long, long time before you talk about stuff like marriage and kids. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “She must be proven clinically sane before you even think of taking her home to meet Mom.” Of course Maureen is going to have to do things for herself. But here’s the point: if you like this woman – and again, you only have three dates in with her – you’re going to have to watch for whether any of these troublesome symptoms rear their heads when she’s with you. It’s one thing if a boyfriend and girlfriend scream and yell at each other once in a while. And it’s okay for someone to scream and yell at her dad once in a while. But it’s an entirely different matter if the men in Maureen’s life actually struck her or worse. And if they did, you have to find out whether she hung around for a second beating – assuming she had a choice, that is. If you can coax that information out of her, then you’re going deep, my friend. That’s what you should have added to your interview. Like I always tell you guys, you have to be a love detective to compete in this arena. Continuing to go out with Maureen and trying to learn everything you can about her is perfect – it’s all you can do with any woman. And in your case, pal, the good thing is that you’ve already gotten a good deal of information out of her. So you’re doing okay so far. Challenge can work with Maureen, dude. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It depends on how deep and how messy her problems are.” As you know I’m not a psychiatrist (thank God). So instead of analyzing Maureen, what I want you to do is date her 10 times and get her Interest Level solidly into the 90s. Up until now, with three dates under your belt, things look pretty great. But if you’ve read my book, you know that I don’t count anything until you’ve got 10 dates in. If you make it that far, you’re going to date her for another 21 months. During that time you’re going to see her probably three times a week, and you’re going to take her into every possible social situation and you’re going to keep an eye on her. You have to be around her when she’s really tired and observe what she does, and how she acts when she runs out of patience. When people run out of patience with life, some of them snap, some swear, some get quiet. So you’re going to see how Maureen reacts to different stimuli in the environment. If she maintains an even keel through the good and the bad, she’s a keeper. Because like my cousin General Love says, “You can’t afford to have any nuts in the foxhole.” Finally, guy, there is a certain group of women who don’t like Cary Grants. For some perverse reason these chicks like getting pushed around. And you can’t help them no matter what you do, and you certainly can’t force them to love you. But so far Maureen sounds okay. If I were you, I’d continue to go out with her until she drops the ball. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she won’t. Remember, guys: there are no clean deals. Do Girls ever want to be "Just Friends" with Daniel Craig? Hi Doc, I met Julianne at work and I always thought we were just friends. I’m an airline pilot, by the way, and she works at one of the airports I fly to on a regular basis. In the past she talked about her boyfriend and, from my experience, whenever a girl mentions her boyfriend it’s another way of saying, “Don’t ask me out -- I’m already taken.” Nevertheless, we’re both huge animal lovers and always talk about our pets whenever we see each other. In the past month the following things have happened that make me wonder if Julianne wants to be more than just friends. 1. I bumped into one of her coworkers and he said that “Julianne absolutely loves you. She loves the way you love animals so much.” 2. She has a pair of hedgehogs that are going to have a litter. She offered to give me one and then, without my asking, gave me her phone number “in case I had any questions.” 3. One of my pilot friends who just flew in from that airport said, “Julianne really likes you. She says you’re her favorite pilot.” 4. She wants to go to a bear sanctuary in Utah and said, “Maybe you could come with me.” 5. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail in which she said “We should get married and build a big house in the woods.” Keep in mind that we have never even been out together. I’m flattered by her attention, but I’m wondering why she’s talking about getting married when we’ve never even been on a date. The problem is that I’m really attracted to her and I’d like to get together with her. In the past I’ve never used your book to transition from being “just friends” to a formal relationship with any girl. Doc, what do you think I should do? Thanks in advance for your thoughts. Valdemar - who doesn’t know how to read her Hi Valdemar, You might be right about what a woman means when she mentions her boyfriend. It might indeed be a huge warning sign not to come near her, but there’s a second choice you haven’t thought of. It could also mean “Ask me out, bring me gifts, worship me, but I’m not leaving him!” Now let’s look at what happened that has you so confused. When Julianne’s coworker relayed all of her compliments to you, you should have asked him “So did you ask her out yet?” And she wants to give you a hedgehog at no charge. What you have to realize is that this girl is a veterinarian down deep, you just don’t know it. If you hooked up with her, you’d be competing with raccoons and Great Danes for her attention for the rest of your life. Then Julianne went and told your pilot friend that she thinks that you’re the greatest aviator since Howard Hughes. She can’t seem to stop trumpeting how wonderful you are. According to her, you’re the best thing since sausage pizza. Well, Valdemar, one thing we know for sure about this girl is that she has a BIG mouth. Next, Julianne wants you to play Grizzly Man to her Grizzly Woman. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Can you imagine what a grizzly bear could do to your body if it got you alone?” And there’s one last thing. Julianne wants to get married and build a house with you in the wilderness. Whoa. Here’s your problem, pal. This girl’s coming on way too slow. Her buying signals aren’t strong enough. Guys, you have to realize that there are lots of people walking around who are good, upstanding Americans. They vote and they pay their taxes. They study very hard in school and they never break the law. But they’re not long-term material. Let’s look at what’s really happening here. Julianne is going from “just friends” straight to the altar. And you two haven’t even had a first date? Did she even take a breath between those two thoughts? Know what, Valdemar? This broad is a L-O-O-N. As in KOOK. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Where do you fellows find these girls?” The good part is that you’re getting wads of buying signals here, my friend. But unfortunately there’s a bad part. I know this will be hard for you guys to take, but this is an advanced class: you have TOO many buying signals. This girl’s got low self-esteem. She’s needy. She can’t keep her mouth shut. Like my cousin Brother down in Watts says, “Bro, you can’t live with this kind of girl.” Julianne can think about love, but I don’t want her acting on it. I want her to practice some Self-Control instead of spilling all over the place. What should you do, Valdemar? You’ve got a plane, right? You should fly it to Katmandu. You may not see it clearly now, but this babe is trouble. She has the right Interest Level, but when it comes to the Baggage and Scar Division, she’s on the board of directors. My little sister wouldn’t give a guy this many buying signals. She might tell one coworker she likes a guy, but not two or three. And she certainly wouldn’t blab to everyone that she wants to go up on a mountain and run around with grizzly bears. And here’s something else. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You have to wonder how many other turkeys she tells this to.” Julianne’s not leading you on, buddy. But she’s a whack-job. To you Psych majors, everything this girl is doing is overdone. It’s out of balance. She’s hitting you with way too much too soon. And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “It means that between her ears something isn’t wired right.” On the other hand, maybe she’s been in the woods too long. Or as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “You ran out of coke.” Remember, guys: if they come on too strong too fast, you’re going to pay for it later. Does Kid Rock ever Deal with Baggage? Hey Doc, What’s your opinion of “damaged goods?” I guess the smartest move is to never get involved in the first place, but what if you don’t know that going in? I dated Samantha, a great girl with some heavy baggage, for just over a year. She’s had some terrible things happen to her, and some of them involved me. (I won’t go into specifics because I know that your column is G-rated.) Anyway, she kept waffling on our relationship, wanting it but unable to fully commit to it. Each time that happened I pulled back and told her to give me a call when she figured herself out. After a few days she would. This back- and-forth went on for a while. She would get really into it, talk about marriage, wanting to have kids, and all that stuff. But I wanted the relationship to prove stable before I moved into any of those areas. Finally things unraveled and I walked. I cut Samantha out of my life cold turkey. But she kept calling. I was heartless -- I just completely ignored her. After about five months we ran into each other, went for coffee, and rekindled it. I was still angry at her and wasn’t as kind as I should’ve been. She hung in, kept giving me gifts, and telling me she loved me. Two weeks later I ran into Samantha at a party when she was with another guy. We talked a couple days later and she said that despite what some of her friends thought was best, she was choosing me. Here’s where I finally gave in. We spent a week together talking about the future and having kids and planning holidays, and then she called me, said she was scared, and that she couldn’t do it. She said she needed to get professional help for her head. Doc, I don’t get it. I thought I was over Samantha and doing well, but I saw something in her recently that was better than before, and I really thought I could give it a shot. Is this just because I saw her with some other guy? Am I being an idiot? What’s my play here? I don’t want to open myself to getting punched in the gut, but I think about Samantha a lot and wonder if we should be together. How can I keep things light and fun if there’s all this heavy baggage around? Should I just let Samantha go? Rupert - who doesn’t know if he can go through it again Hi Rupert, When you said it’s the “smartest move to not get involved in the first place,” it’s ironic that in practically the first line of your letter you have your answer for what to do. Amazing, isn’t it? No one knows about all the baggage a woman is carrying going into a relationship. But if you’ve memorized my principles, you will recognize problems – RED FLAGS -- a lot sooner so you can get out quicker. To you Psych majors, make your mistakes quickly so you don’t waste your time down the line! The point is this, pal. We’re all human beings, which means we’re not perfect. Everybody has scars. Everybody has baggage. But some people for some reason want to rub it in the face of their partner. And that’s the problem with heavy baggage – it keeps rearing its ugly head. So you’ve got a “waffler” on your hands with Samantha. Let me ask you a question, my friend – do women with 95% Interest Level in a guy ever waffle? Talk about doublespeak! When you told Samantha to call you when she figured herself out, you finally did something right. That was beautiful. It’s exactly what Humphrey Bogart would have done. When she stopped calling you, though, it meant that she just finally got tired of harassing you. She didn’t really change her mind about her inconsistent feelings. This girl’s still nuts, man. When she goes back and forth with you like a yo-yo, why do you answer the phone? Even though she talks about all the right stuff, she’s a wacko. Hey, it makes a lot of sense that you wanted the relationship to be stable before you got into marriage, kids, etc. with this nutcase. Duh. It was fantastic that you completely ignored Samantha after you cut her out of your life. But when you happen to run into each other, you can’t be going for coffee like a couple of old friends. Hanging out with a person who is poison for you is like giving a beer to a reformed alcoholic. And of course that was your blunder. I’m sure Samantha loves you, Rupert. But her Interest Level only reaches 100% when you back off. Only when you’re a CHALLENGE does this girl go bananas for you. Which means you’re pressuring her whenever you go back to her. So you’re leaving out a big part of what’s going on here. When Samantha dangles a carrot in front of your nose, you don’t go back in slowly and cautiously, you BARGE back in like a fullback for the St. Louis Rams. When you spotted Samantha with that other guy, you should have turned around and walked straight out of that joint. As soon as you set eyes on them, you should have left. And why in the world were you talking to her a couple days later? No communication, dude! Remember, you’ve moved to North Dakota. The FBI is hiding you. You’re in the Witness Protection Program. And this loony is talking to her girlfriends about you, to boot. What do they have to do with any of this? You “finally” gave in at that point? Like my cousin General Love says, “If you were a country, soldier, there’d be no more ground left to surrender.” Gee, I’m shocked that Samantha said she was scared and couldn’t go through with your mutual life plans. No, she protested, she needs a shrink. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “When a cuckoo tells you she’s cuckoo, you have to believe her!” But after all this torture and torment, you insist you saw something better in Samantha this time around. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you gotta lay off the Wild Turkey!” You lost what little Self-Control you had left when you saw her with another guy, so that’s part of what’s drawing you back. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You were fantasizing about what they were doing in his car.” Are you an idiot? I think that classification is too high for where you are on the Common Sense Scale. What’s your play here? There’s an old saying in sales: “When it’s too hot in the kitchen, get out.” Don’t try and be a tough guy and hang in there, Rupert. Avoid this woman at all costs. Let me tell you something. You’re going to get punched in the gut if you two should happen to get together. Right there you said it again yourself. You can’t keep it light and funny when there’s all this heavy baggage around. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You can’t let somebody go who’s already gone.” Remember, guys: when you realize she’s a whack-job, take a hike. Do Girls Always Touch Eninem on a Date? Hey Doc, I’ve had your book for a few months now and I have to say that it’s helping me see the light as far as women and dating go. I’m interested in Valerie, a very attractive young woman in my psychology class. I noticed her checking me out from the beginning, but I tried to remain a Challenge and waited until one day when after class she initiated a conversation with me. I kept it light and easy and teased her. The conversation kept going – I know, this was probably a mistake – and instead of asking for her home phone number, I said “Valerie, would you like to grab a cup of coffee with me?” She said “Right now?” and I answered yes, let’s go to the Starbucks right down the street. So we went and drank coffee for 35 minutes. (I paid for the date, by the way.) During these 35 minutes she asked lots of personal questions, like what do you do, what are you studying in college, tell me about your family, etc. I saw all of these questions as buying signals. However, Valerie did not touch me once during this impromptu coffee date. My question to you is this: should she have touched me during this date or does that only apply to the first FULL date (restaurant and dancing and the like)? One more thing. I made the mistake – due to anxiety and newness to your principles -- of not asking for the home phone number again. The next time I saw her I did ask for it, however. Her answer was that she didn’t have a home phone. She then told me “I have a cell phone, though.” I then said “I don’t want the cell phone, I want the HOME phone number, the hardwired phone.” She asked for my cell phone number, but I refused to give it to her. Was this the wrong thing to do? Your coaching is going to save my life, Doc. Jay - who hopes he hasn’t ruined everything Hi Jay, Helping you to see the light is the whole idea behind my philosophy. In other words, when it comes to women, we want to take you from being a C minus student to a solid straight A student. It’s great that Valerie initiated a conversation with you, because when a girl does that it signifies incoming interest. To you Psych majors, when interest is incoming, you’re not being rejected. And it’s beautiful, too, that you kept it light and funny and teased her – that’s what you’re supposed to do. What we’re trying to do is feel the girl out psychologically. We want to see if she wants to play. If she doesn’t want to play, she’ll turn you down. With my techniques you’re going to discover in no uncertain terms when she wants to play and when she doesn’t. Let’s move on to what I’ll call the fiasco of the phone number. I’ve been doing this – helping men -- for 35 years, Jay. ASKING FOR THE HOME PHONE NUMBER IS MY ROCK-BOTTOM, NUMBER-ONE PRINCIPLE. And here you’re trying to change it. If you’ve read my book even once you can’t not see that it instructs you again and again to ASK FOR THE HOME PHONE NUMBER. But you insisted on deviating from the path. You told yourself “I’ll do this and this and this instead, because Doc doesn’t know what the heck he’s doing and I do.” Now here you are in trouble when you didn’t have to be. Let’s look at what you did. Guy, you should be waiting five to nine days to get the girl to Starbucks. But because you’re not patient, you’re rushing things, like most men do. Big mistake. Like my cousin General Love says, “Attacking before the time is right only invites disaster.” So, you think Valerie was sending you buying signals. Well, you got it half right, pal. The other half of it is that she has weak Interest Level – somewhere between 51% to 60% -- and she wanted to flush you out right up front. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Lots of girls will ask you questions – it doesn’t mean they like you.” And by the way, when she interrogated you I hope you came back at her like Robin Williams and hit her with a stream of one-liners. You’re the one that should be asking her the majority of questions, dude. And what you tell me in your letter is that you didn’t dominate the questioning. YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING THE INTERVIEW. And because of her mediocre Interest Level, she’s not going to want to waste time with you so she’s going to put you through the wringer. It’s called the hard interview. And what verifies that she was doing the hard interview was that she didn’t touch you. What it boils down to is this: you can’t sit with a girl that likes you and not have her tap your arm. Valerie should have touched you. And if she didn’t bump you at Starbucks, she should have said “I had a very nice time -- please give me a call” when you walked her to the car. And you would call her one more time because she asked you to. And you’d play it out from there. But what actually did happen – she didn’t touch you and she didn’t tell her to call you -- was a red flag. So this doesn’t look strong, Jay. And again you didn’t ask for the home phone number. Pal, if I said to ask for the home phone number just once in the Dating Dictionary, I could understand that you forgot to do it. But you have no excuse because I said it on every page. When Valerie said she didn’t have a home phone number, you should have taken the cell number. And then when you go to her house to pick her up, you check to see if there’s a hardwired phone. If you see one hanging on the kitchen wall, you know she’s a liar and has no Integrity, and you drop her. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “We’re going to collect evidence on this girl, because we don’t want you getting a loon.” Jay, you’re blowing this situation by arguing about which phone number to take. If they don’t have a hard-wired phone, you’re allowed to drop down. Let me tell you something, pal: there are 200 million cell phones in America. For some people they are the only telephone. So what do we have here? You didn’t take Valerie’s cell phone number, and you refused to give her yours. And you’ve had my book 60 days? I don’t know what you read, man. Maybe you don’t really know how to read. What you did was a horrible blunder. I don’t know if my coaching is going to save your life, Jay. This one’s going to be real close. Remember, guys: if you do all the wrong things, you’re going to lower her Interest Level. Does Julio Iglesias ever get Turned Down for Lunch? Hey Doc, In the first place let me commend you on the exceptional contribution you are making to men’s lives. Luckily I came into contact with your knowledge and wisdom six years ago, and I’ve watched myself evolve from the typical pathetic Wimpus Americanus to a man who is successful with women. Still, after almost seven years I know there is much more work ahead because your techniques require constant refinement to face the daily war we have to wage when it comes to women. Currently I’m one semester away from completing my law degree, and I’m practicing at the legal aid clinic of my school. Almost all cases at the clinic must be worked on by the students. One of the students is Monique, who is extremely reserved, mysterious, and always by herself. She also happens to be the most beautiful girl in school. She has a long line of guys without backbones acting like pet monkeys trying to “score” with her, trying to get her attention, drooling over her, killing each other for her, etc. Count me out of that pack. For several months I have limited myself to being well-mannered and respectful to her, but nothing more. I haven’t made the slightest effort to get her attention. Lately Monique has been sending me very subtle signals of interest. All of a sudden she’s calling me to discuss strategies for cases or asking me to walk her somewhere. Above all, her body language is very positive. Occasionally she touches my arm and calls me at home to talk about school. Since she was sending these subtle signs I decided to ask her out for lunch. She declined the invitation because she said she was too busy with school, but we could go after the semester ends. Of course that was woman-speak for a big NO. Ten minutes later, as we were about to hang up, she said, “Don’t forget.” Meaning don’t forget about my invitation for lunch. My first thought was that I was being played for a fool. What do you think, Doc? Should I play along with Monique, or should I flush her number? Lester - who’s completely clueless on this one Hi Lester, In that one powerful phrase -- “the daily war we have to wage with women” – you’ve said it all right there, my friend. Because until the woman decides that you’re the greatest thing since hamburger, you’re going to be running the gauntlet against a tribe of angry Mohawks. And remember what my cousin General Love always says: “Soldier, don’t ever forget that dating is a battlefield where the bloody carcasses of many good men have been left for dead.” It’s nothing short of admirable that you didn’t join the pack of monkeys losing their marbles over this dead ringer for Brooke Burke. By not lifting a finger to get Monique’s attention, you did everything right – so far. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, this a Beautiful Woman -- it’s just a matter of time before you get yourself into hot water.” Because you’re really no match for this creature, buddy, you have to be on top of your game at all times. I hope you memorized my book like you’re supposed to. Otherwise you may as well forget about it and stay with your law books. And it was wonderful that Monique asked you to be her bodyguard around the school corridors. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “At least she doesn’t have you doing her homework for her.” If she didn’t want you to walk with her, then she’d be just using you as a tutor. But so far it looks good. It’s fabulous that Monique called to talk to you about school. This is exactly the way you want to keep it, too. To you Psych majors, you want her coming on to you at all times. Don’t ask her out -- just keep her coming at you and coming at you and coming at you. You have all the time in the world, Lester. You’re not in any hurry. You’re not like all those other chimpanzees who can’t control themselves and throw themselves at Monique. In fact, the reason she gravitated toward you in the first place is because you were the only law student who showed a scintilla of Self-Control in her presence. I hope you realize that, Lester. And I hope you don’t forget it. So everything was perfect up to a certain point. But then you unraveled. You lost it. Instead of waiting Monique out like a real Challenge, you went and asked her out to lunch. Mistake. MASSIVE MISTAKE. She should have asked you out to lunch. Like my cousin Doctor Freud once said, “When you’re dealing with a ‘10,’ you have be as crafty as she is gorgeous.” Well, dude, she turned you down. And you know what that means. If there’s a good part here, it’s that Monique asked you two times to call her back. Ideally, a date should have been set right on the spot. If Monique said “Let’s make it Wednesday at seven,” that would have been the best thing. But essentially she told you to back off. Since she told you twice to call her back, though, she gets credit for a counter-offer. And here’s something else, Les. You’re going to be hustling other phone numbers from all kinds of other women. You’re not going to wait for this one girl to fall in love with you. If somebody else grabs you first, Monique is out. Are you being played for a fool? It’s possible. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “When you’re foolin’ with a Beautiful Woman, you don’t know where the punch is comin’ from.” But on the other hand, what’s the risk here? You’ll make a one-minute phone call when the semester ends and find out whether the girl is sincere or she’s toying with you like she toyed with all the others. But at least you got further along with Monique than those apes did. You should play along with this girl because hopefully she’s playing along with you. And if she’s playing straight with you, then you’ll move forward together. Remember, guys: it’s always better when she chases you. Would Charlie Sheen Move in on His Ex's Friend? Hey Doc, I was involved in a relationship for four years with my ex, Terri. Things ended on a sour note, but I guess they always do, don’t they? What happened was that Terri cheated on me, so I put an end to it. I later found out that she also cheated on me another time as well. At the end, I was trying so hard to make it work that it was extremely tiring. Who wants to be in a relationship when your partner cheated on you, right? About a month or so after our breakup I started to pick up some heavy vibes coming from one of our mutually close friends, Vanessa. Even when I was with my ex I always felt that Vanessa was interested in me, but I didn’t feel right doing anything about it since she and my ex were tight friends. Well, it’s been about two months now and I’ve been seeing Vanessa occasionally. She’s ready to move into a heavy relationship with me as soon as I say the word. Things couldn’t be better between us, but the problem is that my ex has been calling me, telling me that she is sorry about what happened, that she never meant to hurt me and that she wants to work on being friends again so that we can be back to where we once were. She wants me to end things with Vanessa. To make it even more interesting, Vanessa wants me to stop talking to or seeing my ex. Can it really work with someone who was a mutual friend of a guy and his ex-girlfriend? Or are there too many issues to ever make the transition smoothly? I have a lot of things in common with Vanessa, but my ex was a big part of me. On the other hand, why should I care about someone who nearly destroyed me? If I let Vanessa go now, there might never be a chance of rekindling it with her. At the same time I’m concerned that our connections to my ex might be too much and her memory will be hovering over both of us forever. Doc, what would you do if you were in my position? Pepper - who doesn’t know if he can overcome the past Hi Pepper, It’s interesting that you say things always end on a sour note because the goal of “The System” is to have a woman want to keep you for the rest of her life. And now that people are living into their seventies and eighties and nineties, that’s a very long time not to get bored to death with someone. To you Psych majors, you have to always be on top of your game if you expect to keep her in love with you forever and not end on a sour note at least once in your life. Nevertheless, it was you who ended the relationship with Terri. Great. Perfect. According to my cousin Rabbi Love, “You did the right thing, my son. And I hope you’re dating lots of other women.” So, your ex had more than one fling behind your back? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Is this girl a community project or what?” What were you trying to make work at the end? Your relationship with Terri is busted. There was nothing to make work. The contract between you and her is null and void. It’s finished. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Once the woman cheats, it’s finito, bro.” But most guys are weak and will give her another shot at screwing with his head. For your sake I hope you’re not a Wimpus Americanus, Pepper. Dude, I’m happy you picked up heavy vibes from Vanessa. You deserve something good after being betrayed by someone you trusted for years. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Isn’t revenge sweet?” And she and your ex were as tight as twins? That’s even more reason to go after Vanessa! Pepper, it’s not a problem at all that your ex is calling and begging to talk to you. Actually, it’s predictable. Just don’t pick the phone up and don’t call her back. End of problem. Remember, man, Terri is only telling you about two guys she fooled around with. Like my cousin General Love says, “Hopefully she wasn’t playing with the entire battalion when you weren’t looking.” Vanessa’s right. You shouldn’t be talking to or seeing Terri. She’s ancient history and she’s bad for your head. So make the break, Pepper. Tell your ex that Vanessa and you have something great going, that you don’t want it messed with, and that you and she had a good run but it’s over. Then it’s thank you and goodbye. But you have another problem here, buddy. You have to figure out how you turned your ex off. Because you don’t want it to happen again. You have to figure out why Terri came to hate and resent you so much she couldn’t wait to be with another man. Did you try to turn her into your mommy? How much of a Challenge were you, Pepper? Or were you smothering Terri like a blanket until she ran screaming into another man’s arms? Of course it can work out between you and Vanessa. Terri and she are squabbling over you because, as my book says, “Kitty Kats Kompete.” But there won’t be any problems with Vanessa as long as you keep her Interest Level up in the 90s like it is now. When she stops fawning over you, then you’re in trouble. Your ex might have been a big part of you, but, as you just said, she’s your EX. As in ADIOS. As in OVER. As in DONE. It goes without saying that you don’t want someone destroying you, but the better question is, why should you care about someone you can’t trust? So feel free to make a go of it with Vanessa, Pepper. Don’t worry about whose ghost is hovering over you. You’ve been reading too many psychology books -- that’s your problem. What would I do if I were in your position, pal? I’d fall in love with Vanessa. But make sure you know what you’re doing this time around. Because you only get one shot. Remember, guys: if she strays, don’t give her a second chance to do it again. How do Lindsay Lohan's Boyfriends Handle Her Moon Swings? Hey Doc, For starters I think that your advice is nothing short of pure genius. It’s always a pleasure to read anything you’ve written. I’ve been dating Kimberly for about 20 months now, we’ve been relatively happy with each other, and we seem to have a lot of good chemistry. But there are some pervasive problems in our relationship. Kimberly has a jealous streak that is unbearable – there was an incident recently that resulted in her almost slitting my throat over a close female friend getting “too close” to me. Afterwards she chalked it up to her “woman’s intuition,” which is her excuse to get nasty with me. Other problem areas include her family. They fight with each other venomously all the time and her mom goes as far as to use me as a weapon against Kimberly. Now, her brother, whom I haven’t met yet, is living at home with them again and I am worried that he is going to become another person that I get to fight with for Kimberly’s attention. Worst of all, every time a fight starts between us over something trivial, it follows a fight with her family (even if a few days have gone by). Kimberly is always telling me that she’s a burden to me, that I deserve better, and that there are better girls out there for me. Being a Psych major I know that she is looking for me to come out and say that I want to be with her and no one else, but it seems that this is never good enough to keep her happy. Not too long ago she told me that if I found someone I like better, it would be okay to leave her. But recently as a joke I mentioned breaking up and she was really freaked out by that. I have been spending a lot of time brooding over the things that frustrate me in this relationship, so I have become kind of sour towards Kimberly. Despite the fact that we have been pretty happy together, I am wondering if I should stay with this girl who can be sweet sometimes, bitter at others, and then pull a complete 180 and tell me how I should leave her and that she is unworthy of me. I just want to know if it’s time to jump ship, or should I try and weather the storm. Any thoughts? Bruton - who’s lost in Chicago Hi Bruton, Thanks for the compliments on my work. I just hope that you’re memorizing what I write and then doing it. There are always going to be problems in relationships; the question is, how deep they are and how often do they come up? Think about it: if she flips out every time you leave the toilet seat up, do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life? I disagree that Kimberly’s jealous streak is unbearable. You’re still with her, aren’t you? If it were truly unbearable, you would have left by now. Here’s what a normal woman would have said to herself when she saw another girl hitting on you: “Gee, look at that girl trying to rip me off. But guess what? Bruton is taking me home tonight in his car. And she won’t be there. This girl can try anything she wants, because I know that Bruton really digs me.” But that’s not what Kimberly did. No, she was ready to behead you for glancing in this other babe’s direction. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You got a real wild thang there, pal. I just hope you’re man enough to handle her.” The sad part of this situation is that the only thing Kimberly looked at was her “woman’s intuition,” because she’s twisting the meaning of those words. If she were really attuned to her female intuition, she would have said to herself, “Don’t be jealous, Kim – Bruton’s with me.” Dude, if Kimberly’s home is a boxing ring, stay out of there. You don’t have to fight for her attention. All you have to do is call her up and make a date to have her meet you -- someplace else. Every time you go to the house you have a problem with psycho dad and psycho mom, so why hang around there? To you Psych majors, if the place is a rattlesnake pit, don’t jump into it. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “With all this battling, it sounds to me like you and Kimberly have a real healthy relationship, man.” But Kimberly is giving you an out. Heck, even she knows she’s a burden to you, and she’s practically begging you to leave. She’s telling you she’s screwed up, and as this column says, WOMEN DON’T LIE and MEN DON’T LISTEN, THEY DON’T SEE and THEY DON’T PAY ATTENTION. What more do you need, pal? Are you going to wait around until things get really dangerous? And she claims you deserve better. Wrong. You don’t deserve better, Bruton. You deserve pain. That’s why you’re still with Kimberly. But you actually think your girl is so generous that she wants you to find someone new. Is that your intuition talking too? She’s not really telling you that you deserve to be with someone better, though. The girl’s looking for a Challenge, not someone who’s pressuring her. And you say you read my articles? Are you sure about that? When I hear from a girl that if I find someone better I can leave her, it really makes me feel great! And of course something like that speaks volumes about her Interest Level in you. Do women with high Interest Level really want you in the arms of another woman? What you’re not seeing is that Kimberly’s not freaked out by the two of you breaking up – she wants you out. You’re sour all right, Bruton, but not sour enough to drop Kimberly. Actually, you insist that you’ve been pretty happy together. Come again? What am I missing here? Going out with this girl is like tiptoeing through a minefield, her family is the psycho family from hell, and you’re on cloud nine? You must like skydiving without a backup chute, too. The best part of all this is that you’re a Psych major! Like the great Doctor Freud said, “I won’t be referring anyone to you for treatment.” So don’t do anything drastic like break up with Kimberly, Bruton. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you take enough drugs whenever you’re with this girl, you’ll be fine.” My friend, are you sure you majored in psychology? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Remind me not to send my children to your school!” Remember, guys: never go out with someone who’s got more problems than you do. Would Al Pacino ever put up with an "Arguer?" Hey Doc, Jade and I have been living together for four months now but tend to fight over the slightest things. She’s very argumentative and never wants to “lose” in anything, even board games! Over time, I’ve found myself giving into her every time we have a confrontation just to avoid the inevitable explosions. Recently I realized that in doing so I had subconsciously given her power over me and now I want to take it back. In the past few weeks I’ve tried talking to her less and doing more of my own thing just to show her that I’m not dependent on her. I’ve also started to engage more (not physically, of course) in the arguments we have to show her I’m not afraid of her -- which I’m not! She seems to have mellowed a little, but I find (or it could just be me) that we’re playing more mind games with each other now. Perhaps she found me to be a Challenge, I don’t know. Here’s an example of what I perceive as a mind game. Jade used to jokingly put me down by saying things like “You’re skinny” or “You look horrible in sunglasses,” but just yesterday I gave her a taste of her own medicine by calling her “lazy” for not making the bed. She definitely didn’t like it and we had a fight over it. She asks for a goodnight kiss every night, but last night, after the fight, I didn’t do it and she didn’t ask for it either. I’m not sure if I’m playing this the right way, and if I’m not, how do I go about it and beat her at her own game (to get her to realize she needs to change)? I like Jade, but I’m at the point where I wouldn’t mind ending the relationship if she suggested it first. On the other hand, I want things to work out between us, but am trying to get her to respect me the way I used to respect her, stop taking me for granted and start showing me her love instead of picking on me. And if it doesn’t work, we’d probably have to go our own separate ways. Thanks for any help you might be able to give me. Norris - who doesn’t want to spend his life fighting Hi Norris, Straight out of the chute you said a mouthful. I can understand some women wanting to get into arguments, but your little hellcat never wants to lose at anything, and that includes the love game. And in her mind, if she’s going to be the winner, somebody’s got to be the loser. Unfortunately, that’s you. Jade – or any clinically sane woman -- should be thinking about the two of you as a team, and you as a teammate, not somebody to compete with. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “If you want to throw punches, get yourself over to Gleason’s Gym and put on the gloves!” Gee, I can just feel the good vibes flying around your house, pal. It sounds like a real love fest over there. I wonder whose idea it was to move in together? Who asked whom to move in first? I’m betting the house that you were on your knees begging this little hottie to cohabit with you. Why? Because her Interest Level is flimsy. To you Psych majors, the higher her Interest Level, the less she wants to argue. The only exception to this rule is the highly structured woman. Jade will always remember that you gave into her, dude. She’ll never forget that you were born without a spine. Maybe instead of allowing her to take your cojones, you CONSCIOUSLY gave her power over you because your Interest Level is 90% and hers is significantly lower and you’re scared of losing her. This is what most lily-livered guys do. Rather than take a stand, they think short-term and give in, like Chamberlain tried to appease Hitler when the Fuhrer started gobbling up everything around him. I don’t think Challenge is an issue here at all, my friend. Jeez – I’d love to turn invisible and sit in the corner and watch the interaction between you two lovebirds. I’d be able to tell you in two or three minutes exactly what’s going on. But as it is, I can only go by your version of events. If I were to take Jade out and get a couple glasses of wine into her, then I’d get her side of the story. Maybe she would say that you don’t hang the towels at the right angle or you leave dishes in the sink or she has to ask you 10 times to take out the trash. Nevertheless, by your own admission Jade seems to be putting you down with a smile. And when you jump on her for being lazy, you’re not doing it with a smile. I hope you’re not making accusations out of the blue just to get her goat. When you get on her case you’d better have some basis in fact for doing it. And then do it gently. As my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Remember, this is supposed to be love, not war.” But one thing’s for sure -- if you’re calling Jade names for not making the bed and she wants to scrap with you over it, you guys are done. Finissimo. Wow. You two aren’t even married and you’re going at it like cats and dogs over something so trivial? Thank God you don’t have any kids! Like my cousin Brother Love says, “If you’re battling this much in the first four months of living in sin, it’s time to move out of Sin City!” Instead of dreaming up new head games to play with Jade, you should be playing the Yellow Pages game and booking a date for the Bekins moving company. You gave away your soul, Norris. And once a woman has you, you can’t do a 180 and turn over a new leaf, and that’s what you’re trying to do here. What you have to do instead is find yourself a new girl, and next time learn to say NO. The fact that you’re waiting for Jade to end this fiasco shows that you’re a coward. Why don’t you suggest it, tough guy? Why not show her that you’re a real man? As far as “respect” is concerned, what’s obvious to me is that this thing is totally one-sided. You respect her, and not vice-versa. And you’re afraid of her, too, despite your protests to the contrary. Once a woman loses respect for you, it’s over. From that point on, all she’s going to do is practice beating on you like she was trying out to be the drummer for the marching band. You’re in a dream world, Norris. It’s not going to work between you and Jade. It isn’t working and it hasn’t worked. You better wake up, but fast, before you get KO’d. Remember, guys: if she doesn’t think you have a backbone, you will be the punching bag in the relationship. ©2007, DocLove Dot Com Other Relationship Issues, Books *     *     * I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi Pirandello Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archives for 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, and 2000. Contact Us | Disclaimer | Privacy Statement Menstuff® Directory Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon Clay ©1996-2023, Gordon Clay