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Did Ashton Have to
Convince Demi to Forget Bruce?
Hey Doc,
I’ve been seeing Jeanna for several months
now. I believe that she has high Interest Level in
me (she cooks for me and always tells me how much
she misses me). She also calls me at work everyday.
Pretty good, right?
Well, here are my problems. Jeanna’s
boyfriends before me – we’re in our
mid-twenties – were all significantly older,
some as old as 50. She thinks I dress “too
young” (jeans and tee shirts) and buys me
clothes to make me look “older.”
(Translation - “I want him to resemble my much
older boyfriends!”)
Recently we had a major confrontation at her
birthday party, which was held at a bar. Jeanna got
really drunk and started complaining that I was
always uptight. Later on in the evening she broke
down in tears and started talking about her
ex-boyfriend of four years (they broke up a year
before she met me), and how heartbroken over the
old guy she still is. It was embarrassing for me
because everyone heard her.
Well, I decided that I would end it in two
weeks, which gave me time to collect my things from
Jeanna’s house. But the day after the
incident, I confronted her about what happened at
the bar. She said she was too drunk to remember
what she said and that she never meant a word of
it.
She then said she loved me and begged me to
forgive her. I agreed, on the condition that she
will change a few things about herself –
basically to stop thinking and talking about these
stupid ex-boyfriends. And for some reason her
fixation on guys old enough to be her father really
bothers me.
Doc, am I making a big mistake by taking her
back? Your advice is greatly appreciated.
Jo-Jo - who suddenly doesn’t know what to
do
Hi Jo-Jo,
This sounds great! Dude, you got it made! You
have yourself a girl with high Interest Level who
cooks for you and who can’t stop telling you
how much she misses you. Can you imagine how many
guys DON’T have what you have now?
But you’ve got problems. Well, I’m
SHOCKED! You mean this isn’t a clean deal? I
thought you said this girl was perfect. What the
heck happened in the space of a couple sentences?
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, this
is what happens when you haven’t known her
long enough.”
With her clothes fetish maybe Jeanna really
wants you to resemble her exes, but there’s
another possibility. Maybe she just doesn’t
want you to look like a bum anymore. This situation
exists with lots of couples. You’ll see the
guy slouching around in flip-flops, tee-shirts and
torn jeans and looking like he never saw a shaver
razor or the inside of a barber shop, and his girl
is decked out in a nice dress with boots and
jewelry and looks like a clotheshorse that stepped
out of a shopping catalogue. Women always try and
overdress men. So if Jeanna’s doing this not
to make you look older but to prevent you from
getting arrested for vagrancy, I would take it as a
positive and use it for the purpose of
self-improvement. On the other hand, as my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, “You gotta remember that
this girl does like old bananas.”
Let’s look at what happened at the infamous
birthday party. Is this the first time in a few
months Jeanna’s gotten inebriated? How many
drinks per date does she usually down? How come
you’re not telling me that, pal?
After she called the bartender over for the
fifth time, that’s when she told you
you’re way too uptight for her. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Is that
because she gets real loose when she has a few
pops?” Or is she saying that just because she
doesn’t want you picking out your own
clothes?
Once Jeanna started bawling at the bar, you
should have changed the environment fast. You
couldn’t tell all the guests to leave, but you
could have left. And, guy, you should have gotten
right out of there the minute the waterworks
started. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“What’s wrong with you, boy? You sat
there while she talked about an old flame and there
were 150 people in the room giggling.”
But in reality you’ve got a worse problem.
When you confronted Jeanna about this embarrassing
incident afterward, you were talking to a girl
whose Interest Level was below 50%. And the Reality
Factor says that this means she could care less. So
you weren’t really confronting anything. If
this girl’s Interest Level was up at 85% or
95%, then you’d be truly doing something. But
as it stands now, her interest is well below the
Mason-Dixon Line. You just think it’s on the
north side.
Now let me ask you this: if this girl said she
was too drunk to remember what she said at the
party, how does she know she didn’t mean it?
Like I’ve told you guys again and again, when
you interrogate girls you have to be like love
detectives on Love And Order and pick up on the
discrepancies in their stories. You let her off the
hook on that one, man.
What’s interesting though, is the topic she
did just happen to pick to blab about when she was
bombed. She could have talked about how much she
loved her parents, or even better, how much she
loved you. But what does she do? She goes back four
years to some guy who’s living in a
convalescent home. And she can’t stop going on
about him.
Even though I’m not a shrink, if she’s
that into grandfathers, it’s my guess that she
didn’t have a solid father figure in her
house. If she wants to daydream about guys who are
about ready to go up to Boot Hill, that’s her
prerogative. But she’s with you. Why? You must
be strong in other areas because you’re not an
old geezer. So she overlooked that in you, probably
because you’re funny and confident and
good-looking. But now that you’re falling
apart, it’s not working anymore. And all she
can think about is how lousy you look in your
grungy clothes.
Remember, guys: how old you are is part of the
physical attraction test.
Would Tyra Banks ever
Pick-up the Tab?
Hey Doc,
“The System” is great! It’s
really helped me both in dealing with women and
with people in my field (research immunology), for
figuring out
their true motives.
However, I’m having a tough time figuring
out Lara, since her red flags aren’t clear. My
gut tells me to forget her. I met her on
catholicsingles.com. She contacted me first and is
five years older (33 to my 28). After several
humorous exchanges she asked me if I’m as
funny in person and gave me her number. I called
her and we set a date.
She arrived 15 minutes early and we had a couple
of drinks. She never touched me once. We laughed a
lot and she seemed to be having a good time. After
two hours I let her know that I had to leave since
I had an early workday coming up. Not knowing her
Interest Level, I walked her to her car and gave
her a very brief kiss. She smiled and said
goodbye.
The next day I got an e-mail thanking me for a
great time. I waited four days and called her for
another weeknight date. She accepted. We bowled and
then went out to eat. I paid for the bowling part,
but she picked up the tab at the restaurant. But
still no touching. I kissed her more passionately
at the end of the night. She said it was nice
kissing me and I left. I got another e-mail the
next day.
Now here’s the confusing part. We went out
the other night again, over a week after date
number two. We went ice-skating, but still no
touching. She suggested drinks afterwards. We went,
and she ordered food. I picked up the tab since she
didn’t offer. She then wanted to go to a
microbrewery. I also picked up the tab there. I
kissed her at the end again. No e-mail this
time.
My question is this. Is Lara a serial dater? Was
her one offer to pick up the tab a smokescreen?
I’m a medical resident and she has an MBA and
has been working for 10-plus years, so obviously
we’re in different income brackets. I find it
rude that on our last date she wouldn’t at
least offer to pay (red flag!), considering the
bill was around $70. Also, the lack of touching
bothers me.
What should I do, Doc? She does kiss and seem to
enjoy it, but then again Anna Nicole Smith married
an 87-year-old guy. Although she has talked about
the future and invited herself over to help me
paint my condo, her other behavior strikes me as
odd. Maybe this is why she’s still single at
age 33.
Kevin - who’s straining to see the forest
through the trees
Hi Kevin,
Lots of guys tell me that “The System”
carries over beautifully into their business lives.
And that’s because I consciously injected the
principles of successful sales into dating and
love, which the people who teach Psychology 101
would never think of doing.
After scratching my head over your letter, I
just hope you’re clear on what a red flag is,
pal. Lara went after you first, right? That happens
to be a GREEN flag. She asked if you were as funny
in person? That’s a personal question --
another GREEN flag. She gave you her telephone
number. A third GREEN flag. She didn’t turn
you down when you called her for a date. I hate to
tell you this, Kevin, but that’s yet another
GREEN flag. Are you sure you read my stuff?
Now I’ll admit that it’s bad that Lara
never touched you once. But let’s see what
else she brings to the plate. Like my cousin
General Love says, “That’s only one
warning in a sea of green flags!”
I’m going to compliment you on a couple of
things here, Kevin. It was perfect that you were
the one who ended the first date. You got out of
there, man. Most guys would have hung around until
one in the morning, and waited until the girl
started yawning and brought up the fact that she
had to leave because she had a busy day at work the
next day.
And when you gave her a kiss at the end of the
date, you CLOSED. Fantastic! Now if she’d
turned her head, which would most definitely have
been a red flag. But she didn’t. So all
we’re seeing is green flags.
But you should have waited a little longer
before calling Lara for a second date. You phoned
her too soon. What’s the hurry, pal? Like my
cousin Rabbi Love, says, “Don’t go
rushing in and ruining everything. There’ll be
time enough for that later!”
The woman is not supposed to pay for any of the
first 10 dates, Kevin. But this girl popped for a
restaurant bill. She’s a GIVER. She’s
doing 99% of everything right; so don’t get
hung up on the rule.
As far as the touching goes, you’re kissing
her, she’s kissing you back, and she’s
not turning her head. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, “Boy, I’d rather get kissed than be
touched on the arm any ol’ day –
wouldn’t you?” But you’re telling
yourself, “She complimented my kiss, but she
didn’t touch my arm! Oh, hell, I’d better
get rid of her!” Makes sense to me!
The girl’s not even supposed to offer to
pay for your dates, Kevin. I don’t know where
in the world you got that cockamamie idea. She
already sprang for one date. Do you expect her to
pay for everything? Would Cary Grant or Diddy
expect a girl to pay? Come on!
Kevin, you’re completely misreading what a
red flag is. But you’re ticked off anyway.
What did the microbrewery cost you? Thirteen bucks?
Did that break you? Know why she didn’t e-mail
you after that date? Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “Because you didn’t
buy her enough beer!”
Lara’s not a serial dater. Let me remind
you again -- she’s kissing you. She’s
going out with you every time you ask her.
She’s sending you e-mails. (And when she
doesn’t, you’re supposed to wait a lot
longer than four days to call her for your next
date. When they back off, you back WAY off.)
This babe didn’t send up a smokescreen.
You’re blowing everything out of proportion.
When she paid for a date, it was a good sign. To
you Psych majors, it’s not what the IRS says
that matters here. You pay because you asked Lara
out. If she asks you out, she pays for the date.
She hasn’t done that yet.
I don’t know where your mind is, Kevin, but
it was rude that you even thought about wanting
this girl to pay. Count her kisses – forget
the arm-touches. And next time, take her out on a
cheaper date if money is an issue. But the point is
this: as soon as you get out of school you’ll
be making a lot of money. Heck, you’ll make
what Lara makes and more. You ought to be happy
that she brings down more jack than you -- but you
don’t get any of it until you raise her
Interest Level over a long period of time. Just
wait a little longer to call her next time.
It’s true that Anna Nicole Smith married a
geezer, but I bet you’re not even as
good-looking as he was. Lara offered to paint your
condo for you, she kisses you goodnight, and you
want her to buy meals on top of it all?
Her behavior isn’t odd at all. It’s
your misinterpretation of my principles that’s
the real problem here. Maybe Lara’s still
single at 33 because the only guys who ask her out
are guys like you.
Remember, guys: if she does 90 things right,
don’t get rid of her because she does one
thing wrong.
Did Howard Hughes Ever
Have Trouble Getting a Date?
Hi Doc
I have two problems, and I hope you can help
me.
Here’s the first. While most people have
developed normally, it appears that other people
(like me) do not, and we lack social skills
compared to “normal” people. My problem
is purely mental, not physical. I am not crazy or
violent, just deficient in certain areas of brain
function.
Doc, this makes it easy for me to commit social
faux pas. Sometimes when people address me, I might
not understand exactly what they’re saying. My
hearing is perfect, but sometimes I draw a blank.
Also, my lack of solid social skills means that
some people might think I’m odd or weird.
I’ve gotten better by learning and trying
harder, but these problems are likely to last a
lifetime.
So you can probably see where my second problem
-- with women -- comes in. It can be hard to keep
up in conversations, and I think they pick up on
how “different” I am. I’m a
decent-looking fellow, and I’ve had some
rather pretty girls flirt with me, but I don’t
have the Confidence to use your techniques because
I’m not sure they would work for someone like
me.
How am I supposed to be Confident when I stumble
in conversations and make mistakes? My problems
also attract attention from the worst kind of
people – those who enjoy cutting me down in
front of others, especially pretty women, as it
gives them a rush. There is nothing more
emasculating than being cut down in front of a
pretty woman. It’s worse because I guess you
could say I’m a “nice guy” and
don’t fight back well.
Doc, what should I do? How can I be a winner
when people have always (and will likely continue)
to bring me down in front of Beautiful Women? I
don’t know what to do, and at times I can feel
very broken.
Please help.
Roger - who can’t feel like a winner when
he feels like a loser
Hi Roger,
You got two problems, pal? You’re real
lucky! Most people have at least 11!
Roger, sometimes “normal” people
commit blunders, too. You’re basically an okay
guy; you just make a lot more mistakes than other
guys, that’s all. Whereas the so-called
typical person on the street makes 20 boo-boos, you
make 80.
Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Of
course your problem is purely mental.” Maybe
you had lousy parents. And if it wasn’t them
who screwed you up, then maybe you weren’t
born with a full deck. In life, everyone has
shortcomings of some kind, even Jessica Simpson and
Colin Farrell. What a surprise! But we’re
going to give it a shot anyway.
First you should go and see a counselor – a
guy or gal with a sheepskin, one who specializes in
treating your type of problem. But like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “Don’t spend your money
for more than three months if something good
isn’t happening.”
When you don’t understand what people are
talking about, here’s what you say:
“Excuse me. Could you repeat that a little
more slowly?” Then smile. Write those words
down on a three-by-five card, okay? Whenever you
get lost in a conversation, pull the card out and
use it. It’s your security blanket.
Lots of people draw blanks in conversations,
Roger, don’t forget that. My book is full of
witty and brilliant things to say to women, so that
should be your first stop. You don’t sound
that bad off to me. It’s just that you
haven’t been exposed to the correct training
or experience. And, like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “I think you’re
laying a heavy trip on yourself. Give yourself a
break, paisan.”
My friend, there are lots of loser guys out
there who say the wrong stuff all the time, so
don’t feel like you’re alone. You’re
being way too hard on yourself. And that can set
you back straight out of the gate, no matter who
you are.
But let’s concede that you might have a
lack of social skills anyway. What are you going to
do about it? March down to Barnes and Noble and
pick up a book of etiquette. You’re going to
put it right next to the Dating Dictionary and
you’re going to study it. Then you’re
going to get a book on how to be a good speaker and
do the same. You’re going to make your index
cards and use them when you have to. And
you’re going to practice, practice, practice,
until you know what’s on those cards like you
know your first name.
Look at it this way: if someone asks you your
first name, you don’t get stumped by that,
right? It’s the same principle. The point is
that you can be coached. Like my cousin General
Love says, “You’re not completely
hopeless, soldier. You should see what I have to
put out there on the dating battlefield!”
But you say you’ve gotten better, Roger.
Fantastic! To you Psych majors, as long as you
improve, that’s what’s important. I
don’t care if the trip to becoming the
reincarnation of Cary Grant is 50 million miles, as
long as you’re on the right track and going
forward – and Roger, you are. Just the fact
that you wrote a letter proves it. So you are doing
some things right. That’s what you have to
build on.
So when you’re with women, you smile and
show your teeth like they do. When they stop
talking, you stop talking, until you’re
comfortable with your rap and can guide the
conversation. And I hope that when these pretty
women flirted with you, you said “Hey,
what’s your home phone number?”
Let me ask you something, Rog. If you want to
dig a hole, would you rather use a spoon or a
spade? Dude, “The System” is a power
shovel. You’d be a fool not to use it. I get
letters from guys all over the world. One of my
loyal students in India, who’s turning into a
love doctor himself, called me recently. His buddy
was about to commit hari-kari over some babe who
dumped him. And my student talked him out of it by
using some of the materials from my book. Now
I’m not going to tell you that my principles
prevent suicide. But in this case it sure helped
– and if it could hold someone back from
smoking the tailpipe, it could sure as heck help
you to be more social!
So what you’re going to do is use shorter
sentences, guy, so your tongue doesn’t get
tied in a knot. You’re going to find a way to
get the woman to carry most of the conversation.
You’re also going to go to Toastmasters and
talk about “The System.” The first time
you get up on the podium you’re going to make
88 mistakes. But the next time up you’re only
going to make 87. The third time it will be 86. And
so on. Then you’re headed in the right
direction.
Regarding the mean-spirited people you run into,
why don’t you just walk away from them? Why do
you hang around for a beating? But if you have to
stay, get the upper hand, turn it to your
advantage. Say what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would
say to a hot babe who was putting him down: “I
love it when you beat me!” And then grin like
Christopher Walken. On second thought, smile like
Tom Hanks.
But you don’t have to fight back at all,
Roger. Just walk off. Or disarm that Beautiful
Woman who mocks you. “Do you think it’s
loving and hospitable, to torture me just because I
can’t get out three words in a row?”
That’s what you say to her. You have to use
humor. If other guys cut you down in front of
pretty women, just split, simple as that. Change
your environment. If it’s too hot in the
kitchen, get out.
Why are you so convinced that your pattern of
failure will never change? How can you predict the
future? See your therapist, Roger. Then we’ll
grow you a PERSONALITY. If you do what I tell you,
if you’re patient and don’t put yourself
down, and you realize that there’s a light at
the end of the tunnel, the truth will change
you.
But if you’re convinced that you’re a
lost cause, there’s not much I can do. I may
be able to get any guy in the world a date, but
I’m not a miracle worker.
Remember, guys: nobody’s perfect.
Is Angelina too
"Touchy" for Brad?
Hey Doc,
I’ve been with Shana -- a stewardess and a
“9” -- for six months. She has a lot of
good qualities and values on top of her gorgeous
looks. She’s kind, giving, and caring. I have
done “tests” on her and she's definitely
not in love with my bank account (I’m quite
well fixed through my various investments) and is
certainly with me for who I am.
Shana was the one who first said the
“L” word. I believe her Interest Level is
around 95%, as she always talks about our future,
how much she loves me, that she can’t wait to
get married, and that she can’t wait to have
kids with me. A few times she has also given me
hints like “where's my ring,” and on a
daily basis she says “I love you” over 20
times, while I keep my responses to a third of that
in order to stay a Challenge.
Here’s the problem. Shana is very
“touchy” -- too “touchy” --
with random guys she meets while we’re out. I
have spoken to her about it and asked her how
she’d feel if I was touchy and all over the
girls I meet. She says that while this is the
person she has always been, she’ll work on it
if it bothers me. I have seen some changes in her,
but she’s still in contact with a bunch of her
ex-boyfriends. Her excuse is that she's close to
the families of these guys or she has mutual
friends with them.
I have a software setup that automatically
e-mails me all the communications done through
Shana’s computer and I also have the password
to her e-mail accounts. Every day I track her
e-mails and responses. What I’ve noticed in
her e-mails to her ex-boyfriends is nothing really
threatening. They just talk about their new lives,
but she never mentions the fact that she has a new
boyfriend – me -- that she really loves. And
there’s nothing about the guys’ new
girlfriends either.
Since Shana travels around the world, I’m
concerned with what she does when she flies to
other countries. If she’s too friendly and
touchy when I’m around, what is she doing when
I’m not there?
Should I be concerned, or am I being too hard on
Shana?
Clem - who feels uncomfortable with how she
acts
Hi Clem,
Shana is a gorgeous flight attendant with good
qualities? Who could ask for more? This is great,
man! You know what this means? It means she’s
going to be on a plane most of the time, and
you’ll have the house all to yourself to do
whatever you want. You’re so fortunate!
Shana was the first one to say the “L”
word? Clem, what you should be saying is that she
was the ONLY one to say the “L” word! You
used the wrong word, my friend.
You mean to tell me that you think that
you’re a Challenge by telling your girlfriend
only seven times a day how much you love her? Uh,
yeah, sure. You have to go back and read my book a
little more, pal. I think you missed a few
pages.
But you shouldn’t have criticized Shana for
touching guys (though we’ll get into her
“touchiness” more a little later). You
should have told her that you were concerned for
her security. When you’re trying to sell
something to someone, dude, you don’t tell
them that it’s a benefit to you – you
pitch the benefit to them. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “How did you
get rich, man?”
Here’s what you should have said:
“Honey, one day you’re going to touch
somebody and the guy’s going to turn out to be
a loon. You’ve seen American Justice.
You’ve seen City Confidential. You know what
kinds of whackos are running around out there. And
that’s what I worry about. You’re just a
little too friendly with strangers.”
Notice that Shana didn’t tell you that she
was wrong when you pointed out her touchy behavior?
It means she’s structured, guy. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “Son, beware of the woman who
can’t admit her errors.”
Clem, we don’t want Shana to
“work” on anything. We want her to say,
“I’m so glad you’re concerned about
my welfare and safety.” Think about it. When
she’s walking your four-year-old daughter
around the mall and some goof is acting nuts, is
Shana going to be talking to strangers then? Is she
going to hug the guy because he tells her she looks
nice?
But you’ve seen changes in Shana since you
two talked. That’s good. At least she’s
listening. As long as there’s some improvement
in her behavior, you’re moving in the right
direction. Remember – her SECURITY.
So this girl has loads of ex-boyfriends. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Does that mean
Shana and I shot a few games of pool somewhere one
night?” I want to say something to all you
girls out there. When you meet a guy, please
don’t have any contact with anybody you ever
went out with in the past.
I’m sure this stewardess is the
super-friendly type, but there’s no reason for
her to stay close to the families of her exes,
because those boyfriends are gone. Or they should
be gone.
I see that you’re playing James Bond on
Shana by snooping on her e-mails. Beautiful! It
proves that you’ve read the Dating Dictionary
at least once. And like my cousin General Love says
“All’s fair in love and war.”
But the fact that she has a new boyfriend
she’s allegedly madly in love with – YOU
-- and doesn’t mention him is a huge RED FLAG.
And let’s face it buddy, these other guys
aren’t talking about their new girlfriends or
you because they still want Shana. To you Psych
majors, the ex-boyfriends are dying to get back
with her.
So you’re concerned about her flying all
over the globe and touching all those foreigners?
Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “I
could answer your question about what she’s
doing when you’re not there, but you’d
probably commit suicide.”
That said, I do think that you’re being too
hard on Shana. The Reality Factor says that in
every deal there’s going to be something you
don’t like. You got a “touchy-feely”
girlfriend on your hands. In your case the fact
that she drapes herself all over every guy she
meets is the downside. But if she’s got
everything else going for her, I’d learn to
overlook it if I were you.
But in the end you have to figure out how
you’re built, Clem. Is Shana’s touchy
nature a deal-killer? Only you can answer that
question. If this habit of hers is going to
irritate the hell out of you, you better give it
lots of thought because she’s going to be
touching guys for the next 40 years.
Remember, guys: it’s tough to love a girl
who can’t keep her hands off other men.
Does Mick Jagger ever have
Trouble Finding Women?
Hey Doc,
I am a regular reader of your columns, which I
like very much.
To cut to the chase, here’s my problem.
Unlike most of the men who write you for advice,
I’m not young. No one out there offers advice
for guys 60 years of age and over, including
you.
Before you tell me that I’m probably a
walking disaster and that’s why I can’t
find women, let me tell you that I’m very
successful, youthful and still like to rock. I have
a young person’s mentality and am full of life
for my age.
But let me be honest about what us older guys
face out here. There are no women unless we go
chasing younger babes around, and that can get
dangerous. Most single women who are 45 and older
look like hell. (There’s no more gentle way to
put it.) They’ve let themselves go for so many
years that they flat-out look terrible. I’m
not saying that all of them look bad, but I
don’t have any idea where to find the ones who
look good.
Doc, I’d like to date women closer to my
own age, frankly, because we’d have more in
common than I would with a 20-year-old, but most of
these women are very fat. I’m slim and
handsome. I don’t want a pudgy, out-of-shape
woman hanging on my arm.
So how about some advice for guys over 60? Where
do we go to find attractive women? What should we
say and do? Are we dead because we’re members
of AARP or collecting pensions and/or Social
Security? Should we just stay at home and watch TV
instead of going out there and living to the
full?
There are more of us out here looking for dates
than you might think. So any helpful hints would be
appreciated.
Luca - who doesn’t think he’s over the
hill
Hi Luca,
You got one thing right, pal – you’re
not young anymore. But that has nothing to do with
anything. Because if you’re 60 and you meet a
beautiful, svelte 54-year-old nurse, you still have
to say “Caprice, what’s your home phone
number?” The same as if you’re 19 and
you’re drinking beer with a sorority girl --
you still have to say “Caprice, what’s
your home phone number?” To you Psych majors,
THE PRINCIPLES ARE ALWAYS THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT
AGE YOU ARE.
Luca, I DO offer advice for guys over 60. Are
you sure you read my book? As I said up above,
it’s all the same thing. Why do you insist
that it’s not?
What should you do and say to a woman? The same
thing you should always do and say. You’re
going to keep the conversation light and funny.
You’re going to smile. Here’s what
you’re not going to do. You’re not going
to stare at her chest. And you’re not going to
tell her how much you hate your ex-girlfriends and
ex-wives.
Dude, you don’t have to convince me that
you’re youthful for your age. What you have to
do is find your counterpart in a female. It’s
going to be a little tougher, though, because of
your age. But if you’re patient you’ll
get there.
Look at the statistics, my friend. America is
52% women to 48% men. Women outlive men by seven
years. So they’re out there, all right. But
you say that lots of women look like hell. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you’re
not practicing the falsehood of unconditional
love!” And yes, it’s true that lots of
them also look terrible. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, “Boy, you ain’t never gonna be no
guest on Oprah’s show!”
But there happens to be a large percentage of
women who do take care of themselves, and
that’s what you need. I’m going to show
you where to find the ones who look good. But
first, Luca, you have to open your mind and not be
so judgmental.
Of course you’re going to have more in
common with a woman your own age than you would
with Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Not to mention
that the Reality Factor says that they’ll take
one look at you and say “Hi, Grandpop!”
So you can’t be too upset when the young babes
look at you like you’re a telephone pole. Or
like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You know
you’re in trouble when they start calling you
‘Sir.’”
So where do you find attractive women? You go to
the same places that the 22-year-old guy goes to.
Or the 32-year-old or the 42-year-old. You want to
think that the rules are different for us guys over
60. But they’re not. You came charging in with
your agenda, but you don’t know what
you’re talking about, buddy. Like I said
before, open your mind up.
Since you want a gal who’s in great shape,
you have to do something PHYSICAL. Join a few
outdoor clubs. You have to hang around the ladies
who like to go hiking, or get yourself into some
dance events or classes. Try the Sierra Club or
join a tennis league if you play tennis. Then take
a look at the women who are involved in those
activities. They’re all skinny! Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “Maybe Oprah
should dance!” Eventually you’ll see a
54-year-old who looks like Christie Brinkley and
you’re on your way.
What you do then is ask for the home phone
number. Then you meet her at Starbucks. Then
you’re going to take her on your first big
date, just like the 20-year-olds. In other words,
it’s all the same whether you’re wet
behind the ears or a geriatric case. And don’t
forget that you’re going to make her laugh,
and you’re going to show her manners and
class.
Luca, you’re not dead because you’re
just a few years away from assisted living. The
odds are just going to be a little rougher when she
sees your false teeth or your walker. But even some
of those really old guys do all right. You’ll
get over it with my coaching.
And don’t forget, you only need to find one
good one. You have to make sure, though, that
you’re prepared and that you have all the
important information memorized when you do find
her, otherwise you’re going to get some great
opportunities, and then make all the same boo-boos.
Then you’ll be lonely again and blame it on
the fact that you’re over the hill, when in
fact you just turn the girls off in spite of your
great looks and success.
Remember, guys: when you meet her, you’d
better be prepared to keep her.
How Does Nicholas Cage get
ride of Her Kid?
Hey Doc,
I’ve been seeing Taylor for three months
now. She is a very attractive, educated 38-year-old
woman with a six-year-old son. She gives me some
good buying signals, and really seems to enjoy
being around me. She’s always asking me
personal questions and laughs at my dumb jokes.
I call Taylor at four- to six-day intervals (max
five minutes of talking) to schedule dates and we
go out once or twice a week, usually Tuesdays
and/or Sundays. She has never turned down a date
recommendation from me. She is always available and
ready to go out whenever I want to. She has offered
to pay for meals and other things several times, so
I don’t think she’s a Professional Dater.
I get along fine with her son, and she has even
discussed going on vacation with me somewhere. When
she does, I remain noncommittal and immediately
change the subject to something more humorous and
light.
Here are my problems with Taylor. 1. We never go
anywhere without her son because she says she
can’t get a decent babysitter. 2. She sits in
the back seat with her son whenever we drive
anywhere. 3. She has failed the kiss test twice in
the time we have been going out. 4. I’ve
invited Taylor over to my house three times for
lunch or coffee and cake, but have not once been
invited to her place.
I am getting ready to ditch this girl even
though I really like her and admire her intellect.
I’ve read your book three times from front to
back, and I think a lot of it is starting to click,
but this girl is sending some very mixed
signals.
Should I ditch Taylor and concentrate on my
other regular dates? Or am I missing something? I
don’t mind a platonic relationship with
Taylor, but if I really wanted that I would be
hanging out with my buddies -- not some gorgeous,
educated woman.
Louie - who needs some coaching from the
master
Hi Louie,
All of this sounds fine, but you didn’t
mention anything in your letter about Taylor
complimenting you or touching you. Is that because
you don’t have my book memorized yet?
Don’t be so quick to classify Taylor as
someone who’s not a Professional Dater. What
you don’t realize is that there is a type of
Professional Dater who offers to pay. Why? Because
you relieve her boredom, or she thinks you’re
a nice guy, or she’s just a drifter. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Don’t get
all excited, pal. She’s just passing
through.”
It’s nice that Taylor wants to travel to
Hawaii with you, but are you going with her alone
or will her kid be on the surfboard too? Did you
happen to ask Taylor about that? It’s great,
though, that in general you stay off the heavy
subjects. You’re not doing everything
wrong.
But you do have problems with Taylor, which
shows that she’s got a bad side. Darn. Up
until now she sounded perfect.
Let’s examine your problems one by one.
1. She can’t find a babysitter. Let me ask
you a question. If I gave Taylor a million bucks to
find a decent babysitter, do you think she could do
it? Of course she could! It’s not like
you’re asking her to fly through the air with
a basketball like Michael Jordan, which is never
going to happen. But let’s face it, man -- she
could find a babysitter if she really wanted to.
And it would mean she has high Interest Level in
you. What her actions say is that her interest in
you is not in the 90s.
2. She sits with her son in the back seat. This
is okay, since you’re babysitting. That’s
the real deal here. Taylor’s getting you used
to her little kid in the event you want to marry
her. Because he’s going to be with you all the
time, probably even when you’re sleeping after
you and Taylor get hitched. Here’s another way
to look at it. If this girl really digs you (though
we don’t know for sure yet) and she’s
thinking long-term, she’s telling you up front
that this is going to be a package deal -- her AND
her son. So in that sense, what she’s doing is
good. What I don’t dig is introducing the kid
to all these different guys. Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, “How many uncles can one child
have?” I don’t think it’s good for
the boy.
3. She failed the kiss test. Are you telling me
you’ve been out with this girl 90 days and she
does everything right except that she’s failed
the kiss test twice? I hope you understand what
“failed” really means. You’re in
trouble here, dude.
4. She doesn’t invite you to her house.
This is an easy one. The Reality Factor says that
the reason Taylor doesn’t want you in her
house is because she doesn’t want you in her
house. Duh.
Hey, I like Taylor’s intellect too. Like
the great Doctor Freud once said, “I mean, you
have to love the fact that she’s playing all
these games with you and you don’t have a
clue.”
You may have read my book three times, Louie,
but only a very small percentage of it is clicking.
Like my cousin General Love says, “You’ve
got three down and only 126 to go.”
Taylor’s not sending you mixed signals.
She’s just working you like a master by
offering to pay. But remember that you have her to
your house but she doesn’t have you to hers.
Why? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “Yo, dog -- maybe she’s got another
boyfriend or two stashed there.” And keep this
in mind: if this girl really dug you, wouldn’t
she want to kiss you after three whole months?
I love your use of the word “ditch.”
It’s like trying to get rid of someone
who’s not there. You’re making it sound
like Taylor’s Interest Level is in the
stratosphere and you’re going to break her
heart if you don’t call her again. The truth
is that her Interest Level is only somewhere
between 40% to 49%. What you’ve got here is a
Professional Dater who offers to pay.
You’re not missing anything, dude. You just
have to study harder, that’s all.
Remember, guys: if she’s inconsistent, she
can’t have high Interest Level.
Does Jack Nicholson
ever Dump One Babe for Another?
Hey Doc,
First off, let me say that “The
System” is brilliant, but I hope you can help
me fix my problem so I don’t have to use
it.
I’ve known Tori over a year, since she
started working as a server at the restaurant where
I’m a bartender. Right off we had a great
friendship. We hung out all the time and had fun
being together. A couple months later she told me
she had feelings for me and wanted to know if
I’d be interested in dating her. At the time I
was in a long-distance relationship with Laurel, so
I told her I couldn’t. Tori said it was cool,
but she kept pursuing me anyway. I have to say it
was a nice ego boost to have her pretty much
throwing herself at me. Before I go any further,
you should know that the whole time I had feelings
for Tori as well, but I don’t cheat. One night
when Tori and I were at a party she pulled me aside
and told me she loved me. I told her that I had
feelings for her too, but that I was still with
Laurel.
Finally I broke off with Laurel so I could be
with Tori. I realized that I was in love with her
and had been for some time. I went over to
Tori’s house to tell her how I felt, only to
find out she was seeing a guy named Dustin! Their
relationship didn’t last long, but I
questioned what I was doing. Anyway, shortly
afterwards Tori and I started holding hands and
acting the way couples do.
Then I had to travel out of the country. Tori
was upset about it and I didn’t know how to
make her feel better. I got into an accident
overseas and ended up spending two weeks in the
hospital. I called Tori as often as I could. When I
got home I poured my heart out to her, telling her
I loved her and that I would give her the
world.
Well, Doc, she told me she didn’t feel the
same about me anymore! I was crushed and still am.
She still likes to cuddle with me and she calls me
sometimes, but she runs hot and cold. I am in love
with her but I’m not sure what to do with this
back and forth stuff. I know she has a lot of
stress in her life, and I want to help her with it.
Please Doc, tell me what’s going on in her
mind. Is there any way to fix this relationship?
I’m even thinking I made a mistake in dumping
Laurel.
Donovan - who lost everything
Hi Donovan,
All I had to do was read the first sentence of
your letter to know exactly where you are: you know
absolutely nothing about women.
When Tori asked if you were interested in dating
her, you should have said “Can you give me a
little while to think about it,” and then
smiled at her. Because you were rebuffing her, even
though her interest was incoming. This is what most
male egos can’t grasp. But it takes patience
to deal with incoming interest properly, because
you have to withdraw rather than push the girl
away.
Dude, Tori kept pursuing you because you were a
CHALLENGE. This is great! This is exactly what you
want to happen. This IS “The System” at
work. So it turns out that you are using the book
– at least so far.
So it’s no surprise that this girl was
throwing herself at you. To you Psych majors, when
their Interest Level is in the 90s, they’re
little girls. And good for you that you don’t
cheat.
When Tori told you she loved you, you should
have said “For how long?” or “Is
that the best you can do? That’s not much,
honey!”
But you ended up talking about Laurel and the
fact that you loved Tori. So you made two enormous
blunders: you got all serious and talked about
other women and your feelings. Instead of that, you
should have impersonated Jim Carrey and had fun
with Tori.
Then you went even further. You deep-sixed
Laurel only to make the discovery that Tori was
seeing Dustin. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
“And that was the good part. The bad part is
that’s he’s the only one you know
about!”
Oh, by the way. Was Dustin’s relationship
with Tori as brief as yours? Because you’re
out with her, in case you don’t know it.
Laurel isn’t acting like part of a couple,
pal. She uses you in case of emergency, or
loneliness, or when there’s nothing on TV that
night or if there’s no food in the fridge. And
you’re “Mister Happy To Be
There.”
You mean to tell me that this girl -- who just
got rid of Dustin – was upset that you were
out of the country? I bet she was doing back flips!
Or she was thinking, “Gee, I hope he’s in
Mongolia!”
Did it ever occur to you when you were in the
hospital to monitor how often Tori called you? Was
it every day? Every other day? Never? No, you
didn’t. You called her 10 times a day.
Here’s where you’re not using “The
System,” buddy. This is the antithesis of
Challenge. Lying there in the hospital you had
nothing better to do than pressure this girl.
You didn’t really tell Tori you were going
to give her the world, did you? Yech. I’ll bet
that if she were on a plane, she would have had to
grab the barf bag.
That’s when you found out that she
didn’t feel the same about you. I’m
stunned! Like my cousin General Love says,
“Maybe you and Dustin ought to get together
and swap war stories.”
The back and forth stuff means you have huge,
huge problems. What you have to do – and I
know this is going to be tough for you – is
disappear and hope that Tori’s Interest Level
is still in the low 50s.
You want to help Tori with her stress? Why? Like
the great Doctor Freud once said, “You’re
not here to be her therapist or her pastor.
You’re here to raise Interest Level.”
Your job when a date is over is to leave a girl
with the same – and hopefully, higher –
Interest Level. And THAT’S ALL.
I’ll tell you what Tori’s thinking:
doesn’t this guy get the hint?
This relationship can’t be fixed. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“The best you can hope for now is to leave Sin
City with as much money as you came with.”
You did make a mistake dumping Laurel. She was a
good girl and she liked you. And what did you do?
You snuck around with another girl. You knew you
had feelings for Tori and you should never have
tempted yourself. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“You say you don’t cheat, but you’re
not really loyal, my son.”
In the future be honest with yourself and keep
your mouth shut. Because the first time you say,
“I love you” it usually means you’re
history down the road.
Remember, guys: try to allow them to chase
you.
Does Charlie Sheen Keep
Calling Denise Richards?
Hey Doc,
I started seeing Dana two months ago, which was
about six months after her ex, walked out on her
and their baby. When it first started we were just
friends, and eventually it turned into something
that I would like to see go somewhere. Dana is a
sweetheart and genuinely cares about me, and tells
me that she wants to be with me. Since she has a
young child I have accepted the fact that I will
always be number two in her life, but that
doesn’t bother me at all.
Now here’s the problem. Two weeks ago we
were out on a date and her ex, who I’ll call
Johnny, started calling her on her cell phone and
telling her how much he missed her, how he
couldn’t live without her, and how he needed
her back. This really upset me because our night
started off great, but then I could see that these
calls were wearing on her. Since then he’s
been calling her 30 to 40 times per day, telling
her the same things, and acting like a selfish
jackass. It’s gotten so bad at her job that
last week her boss told her she couldn’t come
back to work until she got a restraining order on
him, which she did.
Doc, this is what it’s come down to.
Dana’s ex has somehow gotten my phone number,
and he leaves me messages about how his family is
all he has left and he has nothing else in his
life. This guy uses drugs and has no job, to boot.
Frankly, I feel somewhat sorry for him. If he
wasn’t bugging me so much, I’d really
feel sorry for him.
So basically my question is, how I can go about
letting Dana know that she needs to make a decision
to choose me or him, without pushing her away?
Their child seems to be the glue that keeps this
absurd situation going. This is something that I
have thought about a lot, as our relationship has
progressed and I am at a loss for what I should
do.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
Blackie - who’s afraid of pushing too
hard
Hi Blackie,
Dana’s kid’s got some daddy.
Here’s a man who walks out of his house and
leaves his baby, who he allegedly loves, behind --
and I’m not talking about the older one. Wow,
what a guy.
We know that you want to see this relationship
go somewhere, Blackie, but the problem is that we
don’t care what you want. Like I’ve told
you guys many, many times before, all we care about
is what the girl thinks. What’s her Interest
Level -- 95% or in the toilet? So merely by the
fact that you brought this up I realize that you
don’t know anything.
You can’t worry about being number two in
Dana’s life. She’s not in love with her
child. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If
you want to be romantically involved with this
girl, you should leave her alone until her daughter
is 18, then come back.”
Now let’s get into what’s happening.
Dana respects and loves you so much she can’t
bring herself to turn off her cell phone. Does this
make any sense whatsoever? To you Psych majors,
most men rationalize slights and putdowns.
But you’re selfless, Blackie. You’re
upset because Johnny’s telephone calls were
wearing poor Dana down. Dude, why aren’t they
wearing you down? Not because of the fact that the
calls were incoming, but because of the fact that
she’s taking them, and it’s blowing your
love life apart before it has the chance to get off
the ground.
Now look at what Johnny is doing. He’s so
bad (and remember, this is the father of
Dana’s kid, the man she laid down with!) that
he’s destroying her job. So here’s what
you should be asking yourself: what was wrong with
Dana that she found this turkey so attractive going
in? Why’d she pick this loser in the first
place? What’s her problem? And that’s
what most men don’t ask. But I’m here to
make you wake up and smell the jungle
gardenias.
You’re mystified by how Dana’s ex got
hold of your phone number. Blackie, how in the
world do you think he got your phone number?
Don’t you think maybe your girlfriend helped
Johnny out? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “Maybe she got so sick of listening
to him that she told him to call you.”
When Dana’s ex told you that he had nothing
left in the world without his wife and kid, you
know what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would have
said? “Give me your address, man. I’ll
mail you a knife so you can commit
hari-kari.”
So this boy is a dope head and has no job? Wow
-- now I can see why Dana digs him so much and
decided to carry his baby! That clears it all up!
Now I get it! Like my cousin Reverend Love would
say, “It’s a match made in
Hell.”
But on a more serious note, you feel sorry for
the poor chap. Blackie, you should feel sorry for
yourself that you’re in love with someone, as
the establishment would put it, who has
“issues.” But no, you’re heart is
bleeding for Johnny. Let me ask you a question:
what does this have to do with Christmas?
Despite it all, you want Dana to decide about
you one way or the other. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, “Never go out with someone who has more
problems than you.” This girl is supposed to
bring happy times and sanity into your existence
and she’s bringing you nothing but TROUBLE.
Her ex is going to come over to your house with six
of his buddies and their aluminum bats and
they’re going to lay a beating on your car, or
worse – you. Like my cousin Brother Love down
in Watts says, “Dog, she gave out your phone
number to her ex. I’d hate to see what
he’ll do when she gives him your
address!”
There are some men who cannot handle women.
Johnny-boy is one of them. When he makes calls to
his ex to the point where her boss wants to let
Dana go, there’s only one conclusion you can
arrive at -- this guy’s a first-class
wingding. But like I said earlier, Dana’s not
without blame here, Blackie. Remember the old
saying, “Water seeks its own level?”
Dana’s child is not keeping this absurd
situation together. It’s the baby’s
mother’s high Interest Level in this nut-case
that keeps it alive.
Want my advice? Like the old cowboy saying goes,
“Grab the fastest horse in town and say
‘Adios!’”
Remember, guys: if her ex is stalking her,
it’s best not to get involved.
What does Kevin Spacey say
about His Exes?
Hey Doc,
I’m still learning “The System”
and getting better at it with each girl. I just
want to thank you for writing your book; it has
helped me more than anything else I’ve tried
with women and dating.
But here’s my problem. As hard as this is
for me to admit, I’m a 27-year-old guy
who’s never had a girlfriend!!! I can approach
girls, get numbers, and even second dates thanks to
your techniques, but that’s as far as it goes.
The thing that trips me up now is when I’m
dating a girl and she asks me, “So, how many
girlfriends have you had?” And “What
happened to your last relationship? Why did you
break up?”
What am I supposed to say, Doc? I never had a
girlfriend! I tried saying “I don’t think
it’s proper for me to talk about other women
on such a personal basis with you,” but they
keep insisting. Then I try deflecting the pressure
by saying “There’s no point in talking
about the past.”
By now the girl assumes I’ve been dumped
again and again, but she keeps asking over and over
until she gives up. Unfortunately, I know the
subject will come up again. I could lie and make up
stories about past girlfriends, but it could come
back to haunt me.
In your book you say that if this situation
comes up I should just say my ex was an Inflexible
Taker. But I’d be lying since there is no ex.
Should I just be honest and tell these women
I’ve never had a girlfriend?
I’m in a catch-22 situation because if you
don’t have experience with girls then they
hold it against you (and probably leave), but you
can’t get experience unless you get a girl in
the first place.
I hope you can help me with this situation, Doc,
I really need it.
Beck - who’s trying to get on the
scoreboard
Hi Beck,
I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t
snagged yourself a squeeze yet, but by your own
admission you’re getting better with the
girls. This is important. Most people think that
the road to success with females is a trek across
the Mojave Desert. But the truth is that it’s
a journey across the Sahara. It’s a long, long
distance you have to cross, guy.
And the more garbage I have to clean out of your
little head because you’ve been brainwashed or
hurt, the longer the trip is going to take. But
since you’ve started learning my techniques,
there’s no need to despair. First you’re
going to acquire the knowledge, and with time
you’re going to get the action.
At this point you’re only getting to the
second date with girls because that’s as far
as you’ve gotten with my techniques. You have
a certain portion of my book down – up to the
second date – but as you memorize the Dating
Dictionary, your expertise will expand. But, again,
let me remind you of the upside -- at least
you’re getting to the second date. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“Hey, lots of guys can’t even get the
home phone number!” Gee, Beck, you’re a
regular Don Juan in the making and you don’t
even know it!
Here’s how you handle it when you get
peppered with questions about your past by your
dates. You respond like Owen Wilson or Jim Carrey
would – with a funny line. I can just hear you
protesting, “But Doc, they’re going to
get mad!” And my response is this: what kinds
of girls will get mad? Well, I’ll tell you
what kinds of girls -- structured girls and girls
with low Interest Level. See how “The
System” protects you?
So when a babe asks how many girlfriends
you’ve had, you just give her your best Al
Pacino look and say “Are you referring to the
three stalkers who are bugging me, too?”
And when she wants to know “What happened
in your last relationship,” tell her in your
best Humphrey Bogart voice, “She didn’t
know how good she had it!”
And when she demands to know “Why did you
break up,” you come right back with “I
won’t hang with a girl who doesn’t love
me!”
To you Psych majors, you’re not supposed to
do or say anything unless it raises Interest Level.
Do you think that telling a girl everything that
did or didn’t happen in the past 27 years
would raise Interest Level? Think about it for two
seconds.
You’re being way too intense when you say
“It’s not proper for me to talk about the
women in my past.” What have I told you guys
again and again? Keep it light, keep it funny, and
no serious talk. When you’re out on the first
or second date, that’s the time for fun and
banter, and here you’re defending yourself.
Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re
a defensive lineman and you’re getting pushed
all over the field!”
When she keeps insisting on getting information
out of you, Beck, just shut up. Sit there and smile
at her. Remember, you don’t have to talk. Like
my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
“She don’t have no .45 to your head,
dog!”
But I have to hand it to you, Beck,
“There’s no point in talking about the
past” is a very macho thing to say. Seriously
though, I don’t think I ever heard John Wayne
say it to a girl when he was alive. Well, maybe he
said it once -- to his horse.
If a girl has to bug you until she gives up,
Beck, make her give up sooner. And when the subject
comes up yet again, like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“You’ll sit there and do the same thing
until you get tough, boy!”
You shouldn’t be sitting there worrying
about how a lie can come back to haunt you. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Dude, you
can’t get past the second date! Aren’t
you getting a little ahead of yourself?”
For lots of guys it’s the truth that their
exes were Inflexible Takers, but I’m going to
give you something funnier to tell these babes.
When she wants to know what happened with your ex,
just say “Honey, I can’t take these
beautiful Victoria’s Secret models trying to
smother me all the time!”
But if you insist, Beck, go right ahead and tell
your dates that you’ve never had a girlfriend
– that will really help your cause. It’s
raised the Interest Level of every girl who’s
ever heard it. Uh, right.
You’re not in a catch 22, buddy. You
haven’t memorized my book yet –
that’s your real problem. But again, remember
that you’re bettering yourself. You’re
getting to the second date. But to go further
– to reach the finish line -- you have to
memorize the Word.
Remember, guys: as long as you’re improving
yourself with “The System,” relax and
enjoy the trip.
Does Joaquin Phoenix ever
do Things Wrong?
Hey Doc,
I read your weekly columns religiously, and I
know from experience that everything you say is
DEAD ON. There is one thing, however, that has
thrown me for a loop, and it seems to be an
exception to the laws of attraction.
A friend of mine I’ll call Bill has been
dating Cheryl for about five years now. Doc,
believe me when I say that Bill does practically
EVERYTHING against what you teach. He calls Cheryl
every day, he buys her lame gifts all the time, and
he gets instantly insecure and jealous anytime he
sees her talking to another guy.
Also, in terms of being exciting, unpredictable
and a Challenge, this guy has pretty much given up:
Bill and Cheryl have a monthly anniversary of sorts
where they always go to the same restaurant after a
movie and have the perfunctory exchange of
gifts.
Doc, it may sound like I hate Bill, and truth be
told, I do resent him a little because this girl is
still totally into him. She buys him gifts too,
she’s always cooking for him, and despite
their occasional breakup, she always ends up back
with him. The most amazing thing is that Cheryl is
actually quite attractive. Heck, I wouldn’t
mind taking her out myself. She’s certainly
better-looking than the women I’ve been going
out with.
What do you make of all this, Doc? It
couldn’t be that she’s just putting on a
show or an act, right? She couldn’t fake it
all this time if she were, the way I see it.
Thanks in advance for your insights, Doc, and
thanks for all the amazing insights you’ve
given all us guys for so long.
Shlomo - who can’t figure it out
Hi Shlomo,
So…you’re thrown for a loop by this
so-called “exception to the laws of
attraction.” The reason you say this is
because of the education you’ve had up until
now (and I’m not talking about whether or not
you went to Princeton!). But not to worry.
You’ve come to me and I’m going to
straighten you out. When I’m through,
you’ll understand your situation thoroughly.
Guaranteed you’ll have a different perspective
on it.
Okay, your friend Bill has been dating Cheryl
for five years. Hold on a minute here -- why
aren’t they married? As the old Chinese
proverb goes, “After two years of dating, one
of them should be bringing up marriage
already.” (Hopefully, it’s the woman!) So
from the get-go something’s not right
here.
With all of the things your buddy Bill is doing
wrong, you have to ask yourself a question: what
type of woman would want to be in that kind of
relationship? And the answer is, a woman who’s
into CONTROL. Cheryl looks at love as a control
issue. Not control of herself of course (as in
Self-Control), but control of the relationship. And
if she has to be in strict control, she has to look
for a robot to have this relationship with –
something she can control 100%. And that will be
enough for her. For certain types of women,
maintaining control is everything.
Now here’s where I disagree with you: I
think it’s good that Bill and Cheryl do things
regularly, in their case on a monthly basis. But
they should be doing different things – going
to new restaurants, theaters, amusements, and so
forth, so it doesn’t get stale. Like my cousin
General Love says, “The best way to kill your
relationship is by beating the same things to
death.”
On the other hand, I don’t think gifts
should be given on a predictable basis. Gifts are
meant for when your heart is in the right place.
Gifts shouldn’t be doled out on an artificial
timetable, even though it violates all of the
customs of the American holiday system.
What’s really interesting here is that you
resent Bill after all of his screw-ups. It means
that down deep you’d like to have his woman.
Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Guy,
you got a big problem!” If you had no feelings
for this woman, you wouldn’t care what an
idiot this poor guy is. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “Heck, bro, you’d
feel sorry for him!”
But you shouldn’t be too jealous, Shlomo.
Bill and Cheryl’s love affair doesn’t
sound like the proverbial bed of roses. And the
evidence is their “occasional breakup”
and its twin sister “she always ends up back
with him.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, “Gee, I wonder how much the robot begs
whenever she tells him she never wants to see him
again!”
Of course you wouldn’t mind taking Cheryl
out yourself. What did I just get through telling
you? As you know, this isn’t a religious
column, Shlomo, but maybe it’s about time you
think about the Ten Commandments. “Thou shalt
not commit adultery” is one of them. Another
is “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s
wife.” Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“Didn’t you go to Hebrew school, my
son?”
So this isn’t right, dude. When it comes to
Cheryl, you have to come to grips with the fact
that you harbor ulterior motives. You’re not
really interested in “The System” --
you’re interested in how to be a bird dog and
rip this friend of yours off.
Cheryl’s hotter than the girls you’ve
been going out with? “Like my friend Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “Whoa, you
really do dig this chick’s looks!”
Here’s what I make of this, Shlomo: this
woman is off-limits.
Cheryl is a Giver. She does things for Bill. But
before you start feeling bad about that, remember
the other parts. One-third of the whole equation is
FLEXIBILITY. And this girl’s not flexible.
She’s what you’d call 100% structured.
She tells Bill when to inhale. She tells Bill when
to exhale. Now if you want to live like that, with
the woman giving only her token Interest Level,
that’s fine. Me, I don’t want to live
like that. I can’t live like that. But some
guys can, and that’s okay if they’re able
to deal with it. But I call it “the
arrangement.” It’s not really based on
mutual love.
Remember, guys: just because she’s a Giver
doesn’t mean she’s not a control
freak
Does Terrell Owens Ever
Have Trouble with a Girl's Parents?
Hey Doc,
First I’d like to say thank you for the
help that you are giving to all of us guys who are
having problems with the opposite sex.
Kareena is an Indian girl I work with very
closely on my job. I make her laugh, and she
touched me several times, but I didn’t know
how to close because we are from different
cultures. (I’m African-American, by the way.)
I remember that you said to be careful when dating
people from different cultures because lots of
times the girl’s parents decide who they want
their daughter to end up with.
Well, today I finally did close. I asked for
Kareena’s home phone number and without
hesitation she gave it to me. But as you say, just
because you get a woman’s phone number
doesn’t mean that she has high Interest Level.
It could be that Kareena doesn’t know how to
say “no,” and she was just trying to be
nice to me because she has to work with me every
day.
Now I know that in your book you say to wait a
week before calling a girl for a date. But my
problem is that I see this young lady just about
every day, so how would I go about scheduling a
date with her? Also, how can I be a Challenge when
I see her so often? One more thing. Should I call
her beforehand to find out whether her father will
mind her dating someone from a different ethnic
background?
Kareena is quiet, which is also a bit of a
problem. I know that you say that women help you
when they like you. When I talk to her, Kareena is
rather reserved, though she does help me some with
the conversation. Do you think this is good, or
should I be thankful that she isn’t always
yakking?
Anything you can tell me will help. Thanks.
Biff - who finds himself treading lightly
Hi Biff,
First of all, I appreciate your compliment.
Before we go on to your questions, let me say
something. Some guys out there are doing 90% of
everything right when it comes to women. Some guys
are doing 22% of everything right. And let’s
just say that some other guys need LOTS of help.
I’m helping guys at the high end and at the
low end, and everybody in between.
And that’s the whole idea behind my
philosophy. Because unless you’ve got my
principles 100% down or you’re in the top 10%
of guys, 90% of you fellows need my coaching.
It’s that simple. Like the great Doctor Freud
once said, “The divorce rate, the dating
habits of women, and the way they brutally reject
men back up those numbers.”
Now let’s move on to the lovely Kareena.
Like I’ve told you guys so many times before,
it doesn’t make any difference whether a girl
is from Mongolia or Montana because “The
System” cuts across all cultural lines. So all
you have to say is “Kareena, what’s your
home phone number?” And that’s called
CLOSING. I don’t care if her best friend is
standing there, I don’t care if her parents
are standing there, and I don’t care if the
King of Bhutan himself is standing there –
just do it.
What I said about different cultures still
stands. To you Psych majors, if a girl was raised
Catholic, her parents are going to want to have a
Catholic son-in-law. If she’s Malaysian,
they’ll want her to marry a Malaysian. If
she’s Jewish, they’ll want her to marry a
Jewish guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“Blood is thicker than anything
else.”
But you did close Kareena, pal. Good for you.
And the key phrase, when you went for the number,
is “without hesitation.” That’s even
better – because it was an indication of
Kareena’s Interest Level.
You might be right, that she doesn’t know
how to say no or she was just trying to be nice to
you because you have to work together. But like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “It could also be
that she’s a Professional Dater with 40% to
49% Interest Level who wants to waste your time and
run up your Visa card.”
How do you go about scheduling a date with this
girl? You do the same thing you should always do.
Wait a week before you call her. When you see
Kareena during the day, act as if you never asked
her out and never went for her home phone
number.
And here’s how you can be a Challenge to
this girl even if you see her all the time: smile
when you see her, but let her talk to you first.
Hold yourself back. Think of it as an exercise in
Self-Control.
You don’t have to ask her about her father,
dude. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “She knows if her old man is a bigot or
not, right?”
So, getting Kareena to talk is like pulling
teeth. Like my cousin General Love says, “This
one doesn’t do anything above and beyond the
call of duty!”
I don’t know if it’s good or bad that
this babe is the silent type. But you’ve
gotten way ahead of yourself anyway. You have to
call her up, get past her dad, who’s a
possible blocker, and make sure she shows up at
Starbucks. They’re the essentials here, and
the only things you should be worrying about. Next,
you have to get nine big dates in with her where
you pick her up at her house. After that you worry
about the other stuff, like why she’s not a
chatterbox.
So like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “Just do what I tell you, Biff, and
you’ll be fine.”
Remember, guys: the great thing about “The
System” is that you don’t have to
think.
Do They Call Bill Maher
Back?
Hey Doc,
I read your book and regularly read your columns
and you have really helped me understand the game
of relationships better. So thanks for
everything.
Last week I ran into Marla, who was married to a
coworker of mine from years ago. I remember her
being flirty with me back then, but she was married
(she’s now divorced) and I had a girlfriend,
so it ended right there.
Anyway, I kept the conversation short and got
her cell phone number since she no longer has a
regular phone. I waited six days to call her. When
we talked, she told me she was really busy that
week since she’s working two jobs, one as a
nurse and the other at a jewelry shop. It was the
holidays, so I bought her story about her busy
schedule and she told me she would see what her
schedule was like the next week and “call me
back.” I was disappointed, but I told her that
I understood and said goodbye.
Doc, what do you think Marla’s Interest
Level is? She didn’t mention a boyfriend, made
it clear to me that she was divorced, and was very
quick to give me her phone number when I asked. I
had high hopes for this one because she seems like
a real sweetheart, and I like that she works and is
independent.
I doubt she’ll call back. I’m thinking
of waiting a few weeks to give it one more shot. If
she doesn’t call me back or if I get another
excuse without a solid counteroffer, I’ll just
cut my losses and move on.
What do you think, Doc?
Henny - who can’t make out where she’s
coming from
Hi Henny,
First of all, this little thing didn’t end
all those years ago because you had a girlfriend.
And I have to point something out to you – at
the time you met, the lovely Marla was a married
woman who was flirting with a guy who had a
girlfriend.
If you’ve read my book closely, you’ll
remember that one-third of “The System”
is comprised of the principle of INTEGRITY. Was
Marla being faithful to her ex-husband when she was
making eyes at you? What was her level of Integrity
when she was still legally hitched? To you Psych
majors, CAN YOU TRUST THIS WOMAN? Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “Is it any wonder she got
divorced?”
When a woman uses the phrase “real
busy,” you have to pull out your dictionary.
Because she’s using Womanese. And what it
means is that her Interest Level is probably
floating around between 40% and 49%. Think about
it, pal. You mean this babe can’t find one
hour somewhere in her week to meet you (when
there’s 24 hours in a day!) for the guy
she’s going to fall in love and have triplets
with? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “Think she’d be ‘too
busy’ for Brad Pitt?”
When Marla said she’d check her schedule
and call you back, you should have come right back
with “Since your schedule is heavy and
it’s the holidays, let me get back to you some
other time, okay? It’ll be easier that
way.” Then you hang up. Because once you said
that you sympathized with her and that you
understood her situation, you gave up your power
and you gave up control of the situation. Like the
great Doctor Freud once said, “The reason you
feel powerless now is because you decided to wait
for her next move.”
Actually, you only thought you understood this
girl, Henny. What you actually didn’t
understand was that Marla’s Interest Level is
anemic – somewhere in the 40s. That’s
what you didn’t get.
What is Marla’s Interest Level now?
It’s in the sink, swirling, dude. She
didn’t mention a boyfriend, but why should
she? If she can keep a bunch of turkeys on the
line, why wouldn’t she? I admit that some
girls – the ones with some degree of Integrity
-- are upfront about their boyfriends and husbands,
but by no means all of them.
My friend, I’m sorry to hear that you were
nursing high hopes for Marla. But you
shouldn’t have had high hopes for anything,
especially a girl that you haven’t had 10
dates with. Are you sure you read my book?
But you insist that Marla “seems like a
sweetheart.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, “You been smoking anything?”
Because this girl is a complete stranger that you
happened to spend a few minutes with! Like my
cousin General Love says “Come on, soldier,
get your head out of the clouds – it’s
dangerous when you’re out there on the
battlefield!”
We don’t give a damn about the fact that
Marla’s independent and she works. Naomi
Campbell happens to be independent and employed,
too, in case you haven’t noticed. Henny, all
we care about is the girl’s Interest Level.
All the other stuff like independence and money
comes in second and third in importance.
One thing you’re right about though is that
you don’t know whether or not Marla’s
going to call you back, but the Reality Factor says
that most of the time they don’t. And when
they say the word “schedule,” you guys
who’ve read my book know what that word means
in Womanese.
You’re thinking about waiting a few weeks
to give it another shot? Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, “Bro, I think you
should wait until about 10 minutes before
Armageddon before giving it another shot!”
It’s great that you’re going to cut
your losses and move on, but the sad fact is that
there’s nothing to cut and nothing to move on
from.
What do I think you should do? I think you
should spend more time studying my book.
Remember, guys: when you go out with a stranger,
don’t give her too much credit.
How Does Eddie Murphy Deal
with Her Demons?
Hey Doc,
I’ve got a problem. I’ve gone out with
Maureen three times now. She is 40, beautiful and
intelligent. I have consistently been a Challenge
and a gentleman. She touches me 20-plus times every
date and I get a very, very long -- and very, very
nice -- goodnight kiss from her each time. She
grabs my arm when we walk and initiates 80% of the
phone calls between us. I call her only to ask her
out.
Each time we go out I interview Maureen, and I
try and delve deeper and further into her past.
Here’s the red flag I see: her father was very
controlling and her ex-husband and other previous
boyfriends were abusive Macho Boys. She even
dropped the comment (regarding her exes) that they
were “men just like my father.”
Now this is the complete opposite of how I treat
Maureen. She told me that she was planning on
getting breast augmentation, and that her last
boyfriend didn’t want her to do it because he
said enough men look at her as it is and she
didn’t need any more gawkers. Her response was
that in the past she lived to please others, but
that now she is living for herself. But then she
added, “Enrique, you’ll have to keep me
on track, because I could fall back pretty easily
into my old patterns.”
So Doc, here are my concerns:
Being subservient and dominated is
Maureen’s comfort zone.
She may not be used to the respect and space I
give her.
I am not here to “raise” a woman --
I’m already a father. Maureen will have to
straighten her life out on her own.
I’ll continue to go out with her and see
what I can learn. But Doc, is Challenge strong
enough to defeat the demons in Maureen’s
past?
Enrique - who’s already on guard
Hi Enrique,
When you first interviewed Maureen, did you ask
her whether any of her exes ever actually raised
his hand to her? And when she dropped that curious
comment about her father, you should have said,
“And did your dad ever hit you?” If you
had, you’d know a little more clearly exactly
what you’re dealing with here.
When Maureen mentioned that she wanted to go for
cosmetic surgery, her ex-boyfriend gave her the
wrong reason for staying away from it. Everyone
wants to look and feel better about themselves, and
he should have been supportive. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “That
guy’s an idiot.”
I hope that you congratulated Maureen on her
decision to make herself look better and finally
live for herself, and that you were totally
supportive of her. And like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, “Then you watch her like a
hawk!”
When she told you that you have to keep her from
falling back into her old emotional patterns, you
should have said, “Honey -- PIECE OF
CAKE!” Then you should have given her a kiss
– and kept right on watching her like a
hawk.
Let’s take a look at your specific concerns
about this woman.
It’s a half-truth that Maureen’s
comfort zone is doing the perfect imitation of a
doormat. To you Psych majors, if this babe was
really happy about being trampled on, she
wouldn’t be complaining about her exes and she
certainly wouldn’t be leaving the bozos. But
that’s exactly what she does, isn’t it?
So she really doesn’t like them, and she
doesn’t like being abused.
Enrique, if Maureen’s not really
comfortable with the respect and space you give
her, you’re going to have to date her for a
long, long time before you talk about stuff like
marriage and kids. Like the great Doctor Freud once
said, “She must be proven clinically sane
before you even think of taking her home to meet
Mom.”
Of course Maureen is going to have to do things
for herself. But here’s the point: if you like
this woman – and again, you only have three
dates in with her – you’re going to have
to watch for whether any of these troublesome
symptoms rear their heads when she’s with
you.
It’s one thing if a boyfriend and
girlfriend scream and yell at each other once in a
while. And it’s okay for someone to scream and
yell at her dad once in a while. But it’s an
entirely different matter if the men in
Maureen’s life actually struck her or worse.
And if they did, you have to find out whether she
hung around f | 