Menstuff® has compiled the following information on dating.
|
IMPORTANT BOOKS |
||||
 |
|
|
|
|
|
COLUMNS |
||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Dating and mating
rituals...decoded
Wake
Up or Break Up: 8 crucial steps to strengthening your
relationship
10 dating statistics you
ought to know
43 Date-Night Ideas
Building Trust?
What it’s like dating a
babe
Why women should date around
Responsible Sex
Conversation
Date Rape Drugs
Newsbytes
Finally a fair way to
fight
Books: Communication,
Conflict
Resolution, Domestic
Violence, Marriage,
Relationship,
Sexism, Sex
Roles, Social
Theory, Men on
Women, and Women on
Men
Related Issues: Communication,
Domestic Violence, Marriage,
Relationships, Reproduction,
and the issue of Humor and books
on Humor which include
some of the biggest ways the "war of the sexes" is fueled. Please say
"That isn't funny!" not only to rape jokes, but to any joke that
shames or demeans another person - especially to the ones sent in
group e-mails. Just click on the "Reply All" button and let them all
know where you stand.
Weekly Columns
Women Don't Lie -
Men Don't Listen - Doc Love is a West Coast talk show
host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. He
provides us with a weekly column on relationships. www.doclove.com
Tom Blake - Is
the author of Middle
Aged and Dating Again and Finding
Love After 50: How to begin, where to go, what to do. Visit
him at www.findingloveafter50.com
Nancy Fagan
- is the best-selling author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to
Romance and Desirable Men: How to Find Them. Visit
www.ExpertDatingAdvice.com
The New
Intimacy - Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski,
Ph.D., a husband and wife psychology team from the East Coast discuss
weekly The
New Intimacy from their book by the same name. They can be
heard M-F 4-5 PM and Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com
Being a Man:
Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World.Got a love, relationship or man/woman
question? He'll answer all letters. Write dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
Susie and Otto
Collins are spiritual and life partners from the Midwest who
are committed to helping others create outstanding relationships of
all kinds. Visit their web site at www.collinspartners.com
R. Don Steele
- is the author of How
to Date Young Women: For men over 35, How
to Date Young Women: For men over 35, Volume II,
and most recently, Body
Language Secrets and in lives
in Southern California. Check out steelballsAUDIO.COM
Dating and mating rituals...decoded
Destination #1: The classic coffee bar for flirting how-to’s Our first stop: Starbucks. To me, the woman in the green shirt is sipping a cappuccino and catching up with friends. But in Dr. Fisher’s eyes, something much more primordial is happening: The woman in green is on the hunt, and has already staked out her quarry—a tall man in a blue-checkered button-down sitting next to her.
“See how her body’s twisted toward him in the ‘crouch’ position, with her hands near her face when she laughs?” Dr. Fisher whispers to me as she sips her chai latte. “It’s the ‘broken wing’ tactic. She’s sending a subtle signal his way that says, ‘protect me.’ Men love that.”
Indeed, Dr. Fisher says that secret signals of sexual attraction are at work whenever people mingle. The way you sit down with your cappuccino or Corona begins the courtship dance. “The first thing all animals do when attempting to find a mate is to set up their territory,” says Dr. Fisher. People who place laptops on their table or their coat and bags on a chair next to them, she explains, are attempting to carve out a perimeter so they can proceed to the next stage of courtship: Attracting attention.
“Notice how that guy’s stirring his drink with his entire arm?” Dr. Fisher points out. “He’d never bother to do that at home.” The man then casually stretches his arms back in a gesture Dr. Fisher calls the “chest thrust” to appear as large and formidable as possible. “Pretty much all courtship postures fall into two categories: Attempts to look big and attempts to look little,” she explains. Traditionally, men generally try to look big, or “loom,” while women try to look small, or “crouch.” The direction someone’s feet are pointing can also convey interest: Smitten women turn pigeon-toed; men pivot outward. “Feet can be a real giveaway,” says Dr. Fisher. “People are quite conscious of their body and hands, but forget to control their feet.”
So, how do hopeful singles transition from a “loom” or “crouch” to an actual pounce? For women, Dr. Fisher suggests trying the tried-and-true “five-part flirt.” “You catch someone’s eye, cock your head to the side, raise your eyebrows, look down, then away,” she explains, adding that women are usually more socially adept than men and thus better at initiating courtship. But at some point, she conditions, a transfer must happen: In other words, the man has to pick up the ball and make his move.
Destination #2: A quirkier coffee bar for connection lessons. Dr. Fisher and I decide to move along to a coffee bar with more of a lounge-around atmosphere. Here, we observed some more mating rituals: “See those two girls over there? I think they want to be picked up,” Dr. Fisher says, nodding toward two bubbly twenty-somethings in cool, dressed-down clothes and knit caps, who are sitting in the corner of Grey Dog’s Coffee. While hardly dressed to impress, the two young women are nonetheless employing a different courtship strategy called “handicapping.” “They’re saying, ‘I’m so cool I don’t have to show off,’” Dr. Fisher explains.
While four men seated nearby can’t help but notice the two giggly girls, no one works up the guts to break the ice, and their reluctance is understandable: After all, what can you say to a complete stranger that won’t come off as corny? Fisher suggests trying questions (“Excuse me, do you know a good place around here to grab dinner?”) and compliments (“That’s a great laptop case. Where’d you get it?”) since both require a response and get you engaged in the next stage of courtship: “grooming talk.” “It’s called ‘grooming talk’ because it really doesn’t matter what you say,” Dr. Fisher says simply. “If someone’s interested in you, they’ll keep talking.”
As the conversation heats up, a behavior called “mirroring” can kick in, says Dr. Fisher, furthering the connection. When mirroring, couples sip their coffee or cross their legs in unison, subtly mimicking each other’s movements. “It’s a very powerful way to develop rapport, since it actually helps your brain waves get in synch,” Dr. Fisher explains.
Singles should also keep an eye out for “intention gestures.” “Basically that means the other person wants to touch you, but since she’s not sure if you’re receptive, she’ll rub her own arm or leg,” says Dr. Fisher.
We notice a couple in the corner, plying each other with forkfuls of cake. This is more mating in action, says Dr. Fisher. To further forge a bond, couples may engage in “courtship feeding”—each offering the other a sip of tea or a bite of food. “Nuptial gifts of food are common among many animal species,” Dr. Fisher notes. “When a male chimpanzee offers a female a piece of sugar cane, she’ll copulate with him and then eat the sugar cane. Humans don’t move that quickly, but we all know there’s no such thing as a free lunch!”
While both men and women respond similarly to many courtship cues, one area where they’re wired very differently is eye contact. To prove her point, Dr. Fisher gestures towards a man who’s moved his chair so he can sit next to a woman rather than across from her. “That’s because while women gain intimacy from face-to-face interactions, men would rather avoid it—they find it uncomfortable, even invasive,” she explains. The reason for this dates back to the dawn of mankind, when males were forced to face their enemies, but sat side by side with their friends. It’s also why, these days, men love nothing more than sitting at a bar with their buddies watching the Rams vs. the Redskins, while women love nothing more than staring into their amour’s eyes over a candlelit dinner. “When couples fight over these types of differences, they’re also fighting millions of years of evolution,” Dr. Fisher explains. “Men and women are fundamentally different in many ways, and nothing’s going to change that overnight.”
Destination #3: A busy bar on Friday night for the laws of mating. We decide to see how the courtship dance looks when in a more “intense” pick-up environment—a bar called Peep. As we sit down, Dr. Fisher points out that clearly, the couple sitting next to us is in love. They’re mirroring each other’s movements, “courtship feeding” off each other’s cocktails, and displaying other tell-tale signs of a honeymoon period. Even so, their mating dance is far from over, says Dr. Fisher. At this point, keeping the person they’ve got, or “mate guarding,” becomes a priority, and this pair illustrates this principal perfectly. “Now, normally the man would offer the woman the seat against the wall to signal he’s protecting her,” says Dr. Fisher. “But in this case, he’s in the back seat and she’s sitting facing him with her back to the room. It could be due to what she’s wearing.”
The clothes in question? A camisole with a plunging neckline that, had the woman been seated facing the crowd, would have probably had every guy in the vicinity eyeing her. “By dressing that way, she’s asking to be mate guarded,” Dr. Fisher explains. “And maybe that’s why he took the back seat: So she attracts less attention.”
Such displays of possessiveness are hardly unnecessary or “Neanderthal,” as some people might put it. One recent study found that 60 percent of men and 53 percent of women admitted to “mate poaching,” a practice of stealing partners who are already taken. While it’s distressing to think that someone we love could be so easily ensnared by new prospects, Dr. Fisher points out that a little competition also pushes us to become more caring, attentive, and in short, better mates.
In fact, as we look across the bar, we see this principle in action: A woman in a slinky tank top, jeans, and stilettos who’s flirting with two men. “She’s giving them equal attention,” Dr. Fisher notes. “Since she obviously hasn’t made up her mind which one she likes, both of those men are working really hard.” We head home before finding out which man, if either, wins in the end. But it gets me wondering: Does courtship really boil down to winners and losers? Is the game of love really that cutthroat rather than warm and fuzzy? “The game of love is not nice,” Dr. Fisher says, “but then again, you’re playing for the biggest stakes in town. Nothing is so important.” And after listening to Dr. Fisher call the play-by-play on our night out on the town, I feel like my skills are definitely ready for the high-stakes game of romance.
Source: Judy Dutton is the executive editor of Happenmag.com. She
lives in Brooklyn, NY, and has contributed articles to Women’s
Health, Redbook, Cosmopolitan and other national magazines. Article
courtesy of Happen magazine, www.happenmag.com
.
msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=6211&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6>1=8535
You'd think by the time you're a couple, and possibly have a child or three under your belt, you'd be able to handle the intricacies of going out for the night with your man. After all, that was part of the allure of going from "me" to "we": You were finally able to leave the whole dating game and its so-called rules behind.
But dating for long-term couples comes with its own new his-and-her matching set of pressures, especially when kids are in the picture. You no longer have the time to make sure you have five minutes together without interruption, let alone set aside an entire evening to dote on each other. So when the stars are finally aligned — you've cleared your calendars, you've found someone not featured on America's Most Wanted to look after the kids — you want the evening to be perfect, which practically begs for a Murphy's law moment.
Don't sweat it. You can lay the foundation for lots of fun nights out (or in) by following these simple save-the-date guidelines. First, make sure that at least every other date gets you out of the house and away from your daily life. Second, be clear about who is doing what planning-wise, or you may end up doing nothing. Finally, take turns organizing your dates. So what if he has no clue which restaurant got the best review? This isn't about planning the perfect evening; it's about having time with the person you love so you can rediscover, talk, laugh, and enjoy each other.
Here, 43 ways to do just that: Dinner and a Movie, Done Better
Cheap Dates!
Romance Each Other. Reconnect with these so-sweet ideas:
Get cozy with these no-reservations-required dates:
Ready, Set, Speed-Date!
Pull Out the Stops Definitely not your everyday dates:
And Dates He'll Totally Love You For…You won't have to ask him twice to:
Turn Up the Heat
Gene, 32, picked up this tip ages ago, and he says it helps him and his wife ease into date mode: "We don't do it every time, but making love prior to going out lets us completely focus on the pleasure of being with each other, because it gets rid of the pressure and tension that builds up over whether the evening will or won't end with sex." The bonus: When you've already made the sex connection, you're more physically receptive to each other during your date. Take advantage of this heightened awareness with little touches — caressing each other's fingers, stealing unexpected kisses, and rubbing shoulders or linking arms as you walk together — to keep you bonded.
Source: Redbook's new book, 500 Great
Dates, has tons of fun plans for you — no matter how much (or
how little) time, money, or babysitter access you have! Available
wherever books are sold, or call 866.338.3778 to order.
lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/loveandromance/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=4959923
In some ways, it’s a noble thing to be a one-man woman. It might indicate that you have goals (i.e., a successful relationship) and that you are capable of commitment. But one-man women sometimes find themselves sitting home alone waiting for a man to call or going out with the wrong guy, wishing they had more carefully evaluated their dating options. So let me share some advice that should help your love life along.
Heed some wisdom from the gambling world
Here’s what you need to understand (it’s something any gambler could tell you): Dating is a numbers game. You have to play to win. As New Yorker Jamie Levine, 35, told me, “I don’t sit around anymore waiting for dates to happen. I am learning to get out there more, whether it’s meeting guys online or through activities.” Indeed, getting out there means you’ll meet more men and increase your odds of finding Mr. Right. While men are notorious for this — being romantic multi-taskers — the truth is, it can reap tremendous rewards.
Embrace the herd mentality
I advise single women to have a herd. A herd consists of several, simultaneous dating prospects. As a one-man woman, you’re inclined to put all your eggs in one man’s basket, so to speak. But when you are dating and single with no committed relationship on the immediate horizon, think of your herd as your emotional insurance policy. A herd helps keep you calm as you emotionally toggle between different guys, but the real benefit is that you don’t place all your hopes on one man. One might be a prospect, one might be a hot fling, another might be relationship material, others might be “long shots,” “newbies,” or “undetermined status.” You might have your opinions on who's likely to break away and win your heart, but a man has to earn that special placement in your herd. He doesn’t get that status just because you have “a feeling” or because of social conditioning that taught you to wait to be picked.
Learn what’s positive about no pressure
Even if there’s a man you want badly, having a herd takes the pressure off. When you don’t feel as if this is your one and only shot at love, you have a chance to be yourself with your date. That’s the ideal way to find out if you have enough shared feelings, interests and values to form a stronger relationship.
Dating guru Myreah Moore’s book Date like a Man: What Men Know about Dating and Are Afraid You'll Find Out states that women need a “pair and a spare,” which is basically a slightly smaller version of the herd, and a more relaxed attitude. “Once you accept that dating can and should be fun, the days of worrying and searching will be over,” Moore suggests. “You will feel better about yourself and the men you date.”
Banish “bad-girl” thoughts
Recognize that this dating style goes against how many women are raised—and get over it! “I envy guys,” says Rachel Kahan, 27, a native of Virginia. “They are more upfront about having a good time and they date around without shame. I’ve learned from that. I can do what a guy does, but in my own way. That means quieting that little voice women sometimes hear that says, ‘Why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?’ Many women have an agenda for dating and we treat this agenda as if we are headed for an IPO. I think it comes from the old belief that sex is a power struggle; the woman wins if she gets the ring and the relationship. The man wins by getting sex. We have to change this perception.”
Don’t invest too early
Stockbrokers and Wall Street analysts are always trying to judge the right time in the market to invest. Follow their finance rules when you’re dating a new man: Don’t invest too soon. Get more information before you make a commitment or get emotionally involved. You’ve got to think of men as a portfolio full of possibilities that you consider until you choose to focus on a clear winner. The key phrase is, “you choose.”
Source: Dave Singleton, author of Behind Every
Great Woman is a Fabulous Gay Man (Advice from a Guy Who Gives it to
You Straight). Currently partnered, he’s a firm believer in
having a herd, dating around and evaluating your options when
you’re single. msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=4728&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6
 |
|
 |
